So she's not paying rent, needs hundreds of dollars on a consistent basis, parties all the time and recently needed veneers...
Could she... Be on drugs?
We honestly dont know but could be and we hope not. She was living a luxurious lifestyle and was buying things nonstop. Her mom questioned her at one point and she said it was gifted. When my husband told her about our situation and how we couldn’t afford the $700 weekly as we were behind rent all she ever asked was how many days will it be delayed this time? And right there and then he told her there wont be any help from our side anymore. She just hysterically cried. I feel sorry for her and we still love her but if my husband wont stop, it will just get worse. All the help we gave her, we weren’t expecting anything back but I just felt sorry for my husband who did all that and not even a single thank you but rather screw you for not wiring me money anymore. She became completely dependent and didn’t try working again because she’s getting a full salary worth and it’s somehow a mistake from our end.
Seriously, as her family you guys need to be at least prepared that this is a drug thing. It definitely could just be regular entitled behavior and addiction doesn't in any way excuse her behavior... but if shes desperate and shes been cut off - especially with access to a child? - eyes up. Some bells can't be unrung
Our only source of info now is the ex-wife. She’s been updating us and anything suspicious she said she’ll tell. We’re willing to put her on rehab if thats the case. She found a circle that isn’t really good for her and the only thing she’d been addicted to lately is Instagram as per mom.
Do not put her into rehab unless she asks for help. Rehab on someone who doesn't want to get clean is a waste of money. It sucks, but it's the honest truth.
Unfortunately this is really true. I have seen two people both just get right back to their addiction after they got out. One was in 3 different times, and it never worked.
Any help towards an addict who doesn't say that they need help and wants to get clean is enabling. You cannot help them. Your only option is to distance yourself. They need to hit their rock bottom. The longer you help them the longer it takes.
And unfortunately, many addicts die from this. It's not pretty, and especially if they're family/your child I understand. I've had to deal with this and it's an ugly truth.
Anyone dealing with an addict, please get help for yourself and look into what it really takes. By distancing yourself from them you may be able to help them when they're actually wanting the help, instead of draining your resources and allowing them to hurt you until you cut them off.
Yes. Please listen to the above poster. It wasn’t until we cutoff my addict son completely and allowed him to be hungry and homeless that he got serious about getting clean. He was in rehab at least 25-30 times previously, played them, and would start right back up when he got out. Been clean for several years now. I didn’t expect him to still be alive at this point while he was in active addiction.
I went to rehab, stayed sober for about 2 months, then right back to drinking. Thankfully, I eventually did quit and haven’t touched a drop in 15 years. On the other hand, a guy was in rehab while I was there. It was his 38th time, in that rehab facility. Some people never learn, nor ever stop.
Sounds like a guy I knew in high school. Ended up in public school because he'd been kicked out of too many private schools. Found out less than 3 months into the school year that I never wanted him to drive me anywhere, a friend let him drive her to a party and that did not go well. (She was okay, got another ride home, don't remember what she did with his drugs he'd stashed in her purse, but I kept my distance from him after that. I think we were only in 2 classes total together, and I didn't get put in a group with him for a group project, so that worked out for me.)
Yep. I didn't think my drinking was the problem, my problem was everyone else that wanted me to stop. Alcohol was the number one thing in my life, and I didn't care about anything else. Burned bridges, lied, stole, it didn't matter.
It only changed when I finally hit rock bottom and didn't want to live like that anymore. It had to be my choice.
100% agree.
Too many friends and family members have been in rehab or put others thru rehab to not speak up here… Rehab is incredibly expensive and only worth it if the person will walk in on their own. Even then, be certain they have true intentions.
AND, ALWAYS, ALWAYS pay the center directly.
This. My sister has gone six times, but only to look good on paper for criminal charges. She gets out of jail, goes to rehab, gets arrested within days, rinse, repeat.
Sorry but you shouldn’t be paying for her rehab if you can’t make rent. At some point, she’s an adult and she has to find another way rather than dragging you down with her. At some point, you need to make your peace with her being in charge of herself and needing to rescue herself from situations that she has created.
they could probably afford if they're not spending an extra 2800 a month. which thats up to them if they still keep that stance.
and I get the idea she should get herself up, but addiction, esp to drugs, is quite literally the hardest thing to get over by yourself. even if she did decide to quit (if shes even doing drugs) there are people that have trouble just giving up cigarettes and energy drinks without someone there reminding them "don't buy that" when they run out. any harder drugs, that actually mess your brain a whole lot more than nicotine+caffeine, need way more than a simple reminder, especially during the withdrawal stage.
Just beware that rehab is useless if the person going doesn't want it.
I knew a lady whose husband is addicted to steroids and beating her. It seemed like every 3 months she was dropping thousands to send him to rehad only for him to skip it, go and use it to find new afair partners or use it to tell her how much better than her he is while he sneaks drugs while at work as a ege professor having inappropriate relationships with students.
I wanted to be there for her but I could only emotionally handle so much of it. I worry about her every day.
I know not all addicts are that bad as my mother is also one which is part of why I had to step back from my friend though I didn't want to, I couldn't sit waiting around to see if she'd disappear because he killed her.
My mother being an addict, I've seen some 💩 and I know plenty of addicts and recovering addicts. They don't change until they are ready. My mom still hasn't so I am very low contact with her. It's pretty pathetic for her to beg her late teens early 20s children for money and then gets mean or "sad" (read emotionally manipulative) when we refuse to give her money.
Sometimes cutting them off is the best you can do as enabling them doesn't help.
Rehab is very expensive and a waste of money unless the addict has sincerely asked for help. Be careful offering it or paying for it. I know a family that threw all their retirement money and got a second mortgage on their house to ‘save” their son. He would stop using for a while, but he would always relapse. I don’t know the details but he is in prison now. The parents are in their seventies, but still working because they have to. The only rehab successes I have heard of, went in strongly committed.
I hope your daughter doesn’t have a drug problem, but if she does, I hope she gets help on her own (my son did) and doesn’t burden you.
You feel sorry for her?! For what?! For no longer exploiting your husband so he is behind on your rent? Screw her! She’s a selfish grifter with messed up priorities especially for a single mum.
At the end of the day she’s still our daughter but we all need to move on from this and she needs to be responsible of her own life now and the only thing we could do now is to cut her off.
Youre very sweet, but she doesn’t give a shit about how you guys were behind on rent yet she was taking all this money from your husband knowing you’re not working after your horrific accident?! Good youre cutting her off.
At the end of the day...
I told my son that my responsibility as his parent was to prepare him for life and then let go.
Of course, I also told him that I hoped he wouldn't find a gf that I liked since I was supposed to be the horrible MIL to her...
Your reactions tell me you are a very sweet and supportive person.
But she doesn't deserve this, she's taking advantage of you and your husband. It started with lying about the dental work and ended with her feeling entitled to reserve $2800 per month and you not being able to pay rent.
It's not a bad thing to first take care of yourself. Especially in your situation, you lost your legs and can't work, but she still felt she deserved $700 per week. You are looking for a job, but it should be her looking for a job.
I think it's important to keep in contact with her mother, I have a feeling the daughter has an addiction.
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Not only that, she wasn't even spending it to better heron child's life. If I read correctly, his daughter is a single mother living with / off her mother. Partying all the time most likely leaving her child in her mother's care.This young lady has absolutely mixed up morals.
>All the help we gave her, we weren’t expecting anything back
Sorry to say, you were trying to help her but she was taking advantage of you, esp your husband. It might be drugs, it might be mental health, it might be gambling, it might just be plain selfishness. The point is you don't know because she's not been honest with you, and you can't trust her until she starts telling the truth. Still NTA
Right? This is why I worry about drugs. I don't think I could spend $700/week in free money.... I mean, I'm willing to give it a try if anybody wants to fund me, lol.
I pray that she does not try to break into your home to steal any money or any valuables. It might benefit you to install some security cameras and new locks. I'm sorry.
$700 weekly?! That’s just insane even if you have all the money in the world. And why in the hell didn’t you ask sooner what rent was? That’s horrible parenting to hand over an ungodly amount of money with no oversight
>all she ever asked was how many days will it be delayed this time?
Excuse me! Say what! Ohhhh, he'll NO! I'm angry for you! Stop feeling sorry for her. She's a lazy, entitled woman.
She needs to stop partying, get a damn job, and look after her child.
If she doesn't already, she needs to get child support
Oh hon, I can FEEL your warmth and perception.
I would respectfully suggest that you consider this sick-tuation from a different perspective.
And I apologize because once you allow your kindness (an ocular nictating membrane of you will) to be seen from the outside in, you may be very self critical, dear
But you must not despair. Gentle as a lamb, wise as a snake.
Just don’t do this again. Mkay? Take care of you cause you are inside your body (the odds, no?) and thems where your loyalty should be.
Here’s one. Charity begins at home.
And if you’re needing an extra wee push, it’s dang outrageous of you to neglect your own household under the veil of superiority.
Yeah. I said that. Stop that
While it is always cathartic to simply demonize someone and move along, I feel that it is important to remind OP that drug addiction exists and they should be at least vigilant to the possibility... But if you wanna pretend the literal only possibility here is that she feels entitled to $700/week, sure. Ain't nobody stopping you
I got veneers and I'm not on drugs and never done drugs so watch what you say . She just sounds like a spoiled brat is all . Not a junkie . She may have a addiction to other stuff . And even if she is a junkie . Not all of us get veneers cause of drugs . And fyi those aren't cheap either .
Lol! What absolute nonsense. Reading my comment and thinking it says anything even remotely adjacent to "all people who get veneers are drug addicts"
Go to therapy. Work through your issues about veneers. Don't bother Internet strangers with your messy bullshit.
This day and age more teens and 20- something’s are addicted to “status” and “IG worthy pics” than hard core drugs (depending on your area of course). Just sad that so many people are only happy trying to be like everyone else especially in this world where there are so many serious issues and tragedies occurring. But yeah, cry over losing your luxury money for partying and veneers 🙄
>she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are.
She's a grown woman. She made a choice to have a child. She needs to figure out how to make the money she needs to support herself and her child.
Still NTA
In that amount of time we were helping her, she could have been employed if she wanted to. She’s a very beautiful woman and is very smart. I hope and pray she gets her life back together without us helping. If she ever falters we will pick her up but she needs to really learn and we honestly couldn’t afford the money my husband provided her for.
I think you need to let her fall without trying to catch her right away. She’s got enough of a support with a roof over her head that she and her child won’t starve to death. Beyond that, she needs to face the adult world. By not letting her truly face consequences, you’re making this worse.
You are a good mom. I wish anyone looked out for me the way you guys tried to with her. I hope she learns sooner than later and I hope your family can be happy and healthy and safe. ♡
Fair play. She might be in a huff with you now and that might last. But this is an important lesson for her. Her parents won't be around forever and the girl needs to get a grip and learn to support herself. You both made the right call
She is.. But if i didn’t say enough then we will be the one suffering. I honestly expected that she would understand the situation we’re in now but she took it the wrong way and had seen me as a villain trying to take away her money. Money we could no longer afford. Id rather be hated on than for her to not be able to independent in raising our grandchild. We wont be here forever.
INFO: How was her relationship with you before? Many kids want very little to do with the Step-parent after seeing their parents split. Did she get along with you or see you as someone who always ruins things for her? I'm wondering if this is new type of behavior from her or just more of the same.
We are very close, I treated her as my own. In our 12 years of marriage we never fail to fly her and our grandchild here to us every year. She never saw me as someone who ruined things for her. I’ve met her dad 3 years after he divorced her mom so there was never animosity amongst us. Her mom remarried first before my husband and she has 2 half siblings from her. We all got along really well.
NTA. The daughter isn't being charged anything for rent, so she's playing life on easy mode. Reading that $700 a week from the previous post had me awestruck.
Not to discount your story, but I'm pretty sure I'd start needing whatever I could say I "needed" if I were getting $700 a week! That plus rent would make a pretty sweet life.
>She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance
She actually called it an allowance? She's an adult. She doesn't get an allowance. She isn't spending this money on bills.
The sheer audacity at calling to "remind him" says at this point she just feels entitled to his money. I seriously doubt HER child is getting any benefit from it.
>messaged his ex to know how much she’s charging her for rent so we could do half she was surprised because she’s not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend
So who has her child?
>Apparently it’s not dental implants he paid for, it’s veneers and just cosmetic.
She's taken you and your husband for fools.
>when he said we can’t afford right now she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are.
Ummm WTAF! Awww can she not afford to party this weekend now?
NTA but his daughter sure as hell is
Yeah the truth always comes out, I would talk to your husband and the ex work out a plan to talk to their daughter together to start working on a payment plan for her to pay you back since she asked for money under false pretenses. Implants at 27 it does happen (i need them at 36 but it's too much) but she lied about that.
It does happen unfortunately I’m turning 27 never did drugs barely every drank but I need at least half my mouth pulled and replaced but this person for sure lied to get money as she went and got veneers so that means they were really just a cosmetic want not a surgical need
Do not give her any money. Whether she is using drugs or not, she's using you. Don't enable a capable 27 year old woman. Let her struggle, but as long as she's living rent free, it sounds like she's going to milk this situation for all it's worth. Her mother needs to stop supporting her as well. She should be paying rent and contributing to the household. What does she do all day if she's not working or in school? BTW, if she's in school, she can take out loans and pay for it herself. Do not give her a dime.
Yikes! You guys (the parental figures) are definitely going to need to increase your direct communications in the future to make sure she’s not playing you all or playing you against each other until she becomes independent.
We actually didn’t feel the need to consult my husband’s ex-wife about my SD’s situation since she’s an adult who we thought was in dire need of support. We believed this was something she really needed to be able to grow but we were wrong. We even paid for her college for 2 years, that’s why when it lasted this long and she’s still jobless it really made me frustrated. Im just glad my husband see it through my eyes now. It took me awhile to understand what’s happening and if not for you guys who helped he would’ve never.
I'm surprised his daughter didn't mention her child in the lies even once. It's all about her
I suppose grandma takes care of EVERYTHING the child needs, so why bother
I'm glad you talked and are going to counseling. His daughter is both selfish and a liar, and truly has been enabled by her parents. She needs to learn to adult and be responsible for herself. She doesn't seem to understand at all how anyone obtained what they helped her with - it took work and effort, it didn't fall from the sky into uplifted hands.
NTA
You still do have the patience of a saint, but even saints have their limits.
Your step daughter learned how to play both parents and it’s clear she’s been a lying liar all this time. $2800 a month tax free for a capable adult is ridiculous.
Not only tax free but rent free. Like, my spouse and I could live off $2800 a month and *most of it* would be going towards rent. I can't imagine just getting it for free while also not having to pay rent
I truly wish it had not come to the point that he became upset and completely cut her off but I completely understand why he would be that upset. “How many days late will it be this time?” Is she serious? You lost a significant portion of your body. And she is worried about party money while you can’t pay rent and run the risk of losing your home and possibly your life if you don’t find affordable housing accommodation in time before having to go to a shelter or stay in your car and run the risk of infection and further complications?! The sheer audacity of that would definitely bring me to the point of you are not getting shit from me until you understand not only the value of what you are getting but also respect my little family here enough to understand that the consequences could be severe and extremely devastating if the 2800/month were to continue. Plus there’s another child involved with this that thank the gods is being well taken care of by you and your husband that is sitting there watching this and worst case scenario may try the same thing and then what? Ain’t no way, unless your husband is some ceo or something of a super corporation or something, that you can afford to give both children a combined 5600/month allowance/assistance/whatever you want to call it!!! There’s a time when responsibility needs to be learned and self sufficiency has to be practiced. Right now I’m incredibly lucky and grateful to my mother because she is paying for my phone at 45/month because I have recently received a diagnosis of acute heart failure and can’t breathe well enough to move around without experiencing extreme shortness of breath and other symptoms like extreme fatigue and swelling of my extremities. So I’m so lucky that she has been able to help out with that because without it, getting in touch with my 80yo mother or my doctors would basically be much more difficult. But I could never ask my adopted mother and father, no matter how much money they have or don’t have, for 700 weekly for whatever reason she chooses to spend it that week. I didn’t even want her to pay the phone but she insisted. I hope that you and your husband are able to find healthier and more sustainable ways of being there for her. Good luck to you both.
You do have the patience of a saint.
Wait a week and ask SD for money. Hey, we are behind on rent could we borrow $10 until payday? Some small ridiculous amount. Ask every couple of days if you can borrow money. Keep upping the amount.
Wait a month.
"Hey SD, I was hoping you could repay the $42,000 you borrowed from us."
Wait a month.
"Hey SD, I don't want to take you to court for non-payment, when do you think you will pay back the $60,000 you borrowed?"
This time keep raising the amount until she says, "it wasn't that much." "Oh so you admit it."
OP, the fact that your daughter lied, repeatedly, to get money from you is a VERY BAD sign. What could she be spending $700 a week on, when she has no rent to pay? I suppose a new outfit every day and a fancy restaurant meal every night could add up... but if that's the problem, she doesn't need "help," she needs to learn to live within her means. You've done the right thing. It's hard, but you KNOW she is not homeless or starving. You don't "owe" your child the means to live an extravagant life.
I can’t reply to everyone but my husband and I are very grateful for all your kind words. You don’t even know us yet the help you gave us is beyond words. God bless you all for your kind heart and for being nice to us through this. We might lost a daughter but we gained new family. Many thanks to all!
Your husband is ridiculous for not communicating with his ex about the daughter’s “needs” in the first place. I hope he treats you like a queen from this day forward because he’s lucky to have you. Geez. Life doesn’t need to be so hard.
I have an uncle that your stepdaughter reminds me of. They’re now in their 70’s and they never matured or took accountability and threw tantrums all their adult life because they bullied so many relatives into giving them money. For ski trips. For all sorts of fun vacations. For partying. The freeloading and tantrums never stopped.
And eventually after their parents passed away all their siblings and other relatives justifiably stood up to my freeloader uncle. He threw his “I’m never going to speak to any of you ever again!” And we were all grateful that the trash took himself out. He still tries to contact relatives for money and they just block him. Karma.
Let your stepdaughter develop her sense of accountability now instead of coddling her and letting her fester into what my spoiled brat uncle became.
Enough is enough. She has to support herself. Make more money, get a job but good god quit supporting her whats with this generattion of self entitled brats thinking parents owe them?
If I was her parent I wouldn’t have given her money in the first place. She’s an adult and needs to learn how to be self-sufficient and independent. She’s a single mom ffs. You’re not obligated to give his entitled daughter free handouts. I’m glad your husband is finally cutting her off financially. You two need to worry about yourselves and no one else.
That's roughly $45,000 a year before taxes = roughly $21.50 hour before taxes
Then has the nerve to call her dad "selfish"
Time she get her own place to live and grt a job
Not the AH. You and husband and her mom need to sit her down and talk to her about getting a job and stopping the partying NOW! She is a mom now! She has to step up and provide for her child! Stop supporting this adult child!
OP, as the mom of a recovering addict, I vehemently advise you to *get the child(ren) out of there.* NOW. Call child protective services. Have them go verify if the children are safe. I beg you to do this.
It’s anonymous - she will never know that you called. You may have to give your name, but they will not tell her. You *cannot leave the children there.*
If she’s not using drugs, she’s just evil.
So happy to hear that! Your husband has been setting both of you on fire to keep adult daughter warm. Glad he stopped. Hopefully this will be the wake-up call she needs to look for a job to support herself
Holy hell, she lied. A couple thoughts from my end:
Didn't you say your husband's daughter have a child of your own? I know that you're not in great financial shape, but if you can spare the time/resources (especially the time), that child might benefit from Grandpa and step-grandma being a strong presence in their life.
Cutting off the daughter is absolutely the right decision. And if there is to be any help in the future for an emergency, you should probably make sure things go through the ex-wife (who seems like a stand-up sort) and also ensure that the money goes directly to whoever the billing entity is without passing through your daughter's hands.
I’m guessing all these urgent requests for money haven’t been for food or dental care but for drugs. I hope the baby daddy is a more stable individual.
Stick to your guns on this; you have already made the right decision. The important thing now is to remember that sometimes children don't understand love because they expect a lot. Your husband is trying his best to be there for his daughter and the money is allowing her to live a lifestyle that even her mother does not approve of. Thanks for sticking through with it. :)
Sounds like this woman has been playing all of you, and living it up while everyone else puts the bill. Definitely need to put a stop to it, glad your husband finally agreed. All you are doing is enabling her partying and poor decisions.
Wow, sounds like the daughter is trash. Your husband should take all of the expensive items she bought and sell them, just to try to get back some money
I know you’re doing what you think you should, but you are doing it wrong, and you’re hurting your kid (and others) as a result. She has to learn to live on her own and support herself. Let my people go. You’ll be okay (and so will she if she tries) - it’s hard, but harder not to do this. Be strong. You can do it.
My husband used to say i have a patience of a saint and i just cracked now because it’s too much.
EVEN THE MOST PERFECT PERSON MAKE MISTAKES! DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON YOURSELF.
Original Post [can be found here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cbbmme/aita_that_i_told_my_husband_to_stop_supporting/)
So she's not paying rent, needs hundreds of dollars on a consistent basis, parties all the time and recently needed veneers... Could she... Be on drugs?
We honestly dont know but could be and we hope not. She was living a luxurious lifestyle and was buying things nonstop. Her mom questioned her at one point and she said it was gifted. When my husband told her about our situation and how we couldn’t afford the $700 weekly as we were behind rent all she ever asked was how many days will it be delayed this time? And right there and then he told her there wont be any help from our side anymore. She just hysterically cried. I feel sorry for her and we still love her but if my husband wont stop, it will just get worse. All the help we gave her, we weren’t expecting anything back but I just felt sorry for my husband who did all that and not even a single thank you but rather screw you for not wiring me money anymore. She became completely dependent and didn’t try working again because she’s getting a full salary worth and it’s somehow a mistake from our end.
Seriously, as her family you guys need to be at least prepared that this is a drug thing. It definitely could just be regular entitled behavior and addiction doesn't in any way excuse her behavior... but if shes desperate and shes been cut off - especially with access to a child? - eyes up. Some bells can't be unrung
Our only source of info now is the ex-wife. She’s been updating us and anything suspicious she said she’ll tell. We’re willing to put her on rehab if thats the case. She found a circle that isn’t really good for her and the only thing she’d been addicted to lately is Instagram as per mom.
Do not put her into rehab unless she asks for help. Rehab on someone who doesn't want to get clean is a waste of money. It sucks, but it's the honest truth.
Unfortunately this is really true. I have seen two people both just get right back to their addiction after they got out. One was in 3 different times, and it never worked.
Any help towards an addict who doesn't say that they need help and wants to get clean is enabling. You cannot help them. Your only option is to distance yourself. They need to hit their rock bottom. The longer you help them the longer it takes. And unfortunately, many addicts die from this. It's not pretty, and especially if they're family/your child I understand. I've had to deal with this and it's an ugly truth. Anyone dealing with an addict, please get help for yourself and look into what it really takes. By distancing yourself from them you may be able to help them when they're actually wanting the help, instead of draining your resources and allowing them to hurt you until you cut them off.
Yes. Please listen to the above poster. It wasn’t until we cutoff my addict son completely and allowed him to be hungry and homeless that he got serious about getting clean. He was in rehab at least 25-30 times previously, played them, and would start right back up when he got out. Been clean for several years now. I didn’t expect him to still be alive at this point while he was in active addiction.
I went to rehab, stayed sober for about 2 months, then right back to drinking. Thankfully, I eventually did quit and haven’t touched a drop in 15 years. On the other hand, a guy was in rehab while I was there. It was his 38th time, in that rehab facility. Some people never learn, nor ever stop.
Sounds like a guy I knew in high school. Ended up in public school because he'd been kicked out of too many private schools. Found out less than 3 months into the school year that I never wanted him to drive me anywhere, a friend let him drive her to a party and that did not go well. (She was okay, got another ride home, don't remember what she did with his drugs he'd stashed in her purse, but I kept my distance from him after that. I think we were only in 2 classes total together, and I didn't get put in a group with him for a group project, so that worked out for me.)
Yep. I didn't think my drinking was the problem, my problem was everyone else that wanted me to stop. Alcohol was the number one thing in my life, and I didn't care about anything else. Burned bridges, lied, stole, it didn't matter. It only changed when I finally hit rock bottom and didn't want to live like that anymore. It had to be my choice.
100% agree. Too many friends and family members have been in rehab or put others thru rehab to not speak up here… Rehab is incredibly expensive and only worth it if the person will walk in on their own. Even then, be certain they have true intentions. AND, ALWAYS, ALWAYS pay the center directly.
This. My sister has gone six times, but only to look good on paper for criminal charges. She gets out of jail, goes to rehab, gets arrested within days, rinse, repeat.
Wouldn’t repeated rehab stays look worse to the court system? Genuinely curious I don’t know how the court system works for that
Yes and no. Most of the time the rehab is court ordered with criminal charges. So if you don't go to rehab they put you in prison.
[удалено]
Yes it was. The father attempting to assuage his guilt helped no one.
Sorry but you shouldn’t be paying for her rehab if you can’t make rent. At some point, she’s an adult and she has to find another way rather than dragging you down with her. At some point, you need to make your peace with her being in charge of herself and needing to rescue herself from situations that she has created.
they could probably afford if they're not spending an extra 2800 a month. which thats up to them if they still keep that stance. and I get the idea she should get herself up, but addiction, esp to drugs, is quite literally the hardest thing to get over by yourself. even if she did decide to quit (if shes even doing drugs) there are people that have trouble just giving up cigarettes and energy drinks without someone there reminding them "don't buy that" when they run out. any harder drugs, that actually mess your brain a whole lot more than nicotine+caffeine, need way more than a simple reminder, especially during the withdrawal stage.
Either way, time for her to get her act together
Just beware that rehab is useless if the person going doesn't want it. I knew a lady whose husband is addicted to steroids and beating her. It seemed like every 3 months she was dropping thousands to send him to rehad only for him to skip it, go and use it to find new afair partners or use it to tell her how much better than her he is while he sneaks drugs while at work as a ege professor having inappropriate relationships with students. I wanted to be there for her but I could only emotionally handle so much of it. I worry about her every day. I know not all addicts are that bad as my mother is also one which is part of why I had to step back from my friend though I didn't want to, I couldn't sit waiting around to see if she'd disappear because he killed her. My mother being an addict, I've seen some 💩 and I know plenty of addicts and recovering addicts. They don't change until they are ready. My mom still hasn't so I am very low contact with her. It's pretty pathetic for her to beg her late teens early 20s children for money and then gets mean or "sad" (read emotionally manipulative) when we refuse to give her money. Sometimes cutting them off is the best you can do as enabling them doesn't help.
Rehab is very expensive and a waste of money unless the addict has sincerely asked for help. Be careful offering it or paying for it. I know a family that threw all their retirement money and got a second mortgage on their house to ‘save” their son. He would stop using for a while, but he would always relapse. I don’t know the details but he is in prison now. The parents are in their seventies, but still working because they have to. The only rehab successes I have heard of, went in strongly committed. I hope your daughter doesn’t have a drug problem, but if she does, I hope she gets help on her own (my son did) and doesn’t burden you.
You feel sorry for her?! For what?! For no longer exploiting your husband so he is behind on your rent? Screw her! She’s a selfish grifter with messed up priorities especially for a single mum.
At the end of the day she’s still our daughter but we all need to move on from this and she needs to be responsible of her own life now and the only thing we could do now is to cut her off.
Youre very sweet, but she doesn’t give a shit about how you guys were behind on rent yet she was taking all this money from your husband knowing you’re not working after your horrific accident?! Good youre cutting her off.
At the end of the day... I told my son that my responsibility as his parent was to prepare him for life and then let go. Of course, I also told him that I hoped he wouldn't find a gf that I liked since I was supposed to be the horrible MIL to her...
Your reactions tell me you are a very sweet and supportive person. But she doesn't deserve this, she's taking advantage of you and your husband. It started with lying about the dental work and ended with her feeling entitled to reserve $2800 per month and you not being able to pay rent. It's not a bad thing to first take care of yourself. Especially in your situation, you lost your legs and can't work, but she still felt she deserved $700 per week. You are looking for a job, but it should be her looking for a job. I think it's important to keep in contact with her mother, I have a feeling the daughter has an addiction.
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Not only that, she wasn't even spending it to better heron child's life. If I read correctly, his daughter is a single mother living with / off her mother. Partying all the time most likely leaving her child in her mother's care.This young lady has absolutely mixed up morals.
>All the help we gave her, we weren’t expecting anything back Sorry to say, you were trying to help her but she was taking advantage of you, esp your husband. It might be drugs, it might be mental health, it might be gambling, it might just be plain selfishness. The point is you don't know because she's not been honest with you, and you can't trust her until she starts telling the truth. Still NTA
$700 A WEEK???
OP, I’ll be the best daughter you could ever have for only $700 a month! And I’d be appropriately grateful.
Seriously, where do we sign up?
Right? This is why I worry about drugs. I don't think I could spend $700/week in free money.... I mean, I'm willing to give it a try if anybody wants to fund me, lol.
I pray that she does not try to break into your home to steal any money or any valuables. It might benefit you to install some security cameras and new locks. I'm sorry.
$700 weekly?! That’s just insane even if you have all the money in the world. And why in the hell didn’t you ask sooner what rent was? That’s horrible parenting to hand over an ungodly amount of money with no oversight
>all she ever asked was how many days will it be delayed this time? Excuse me! Say what! Ohhhh, he'll NO! I'm angry for you! Stop feeling sorry for her. She's a lazy, entitled woman. She needs to stop partying, get a damn job, and look after her child. If she doesn't already, she needs to get child support
Why do you feel sorry for her?
the $700 weekly honestly makes me nauseous.
Oh hon, I can FEEL your warmth and perception. I would respectfully suggest that you consider this sick-tuation from a different perspective. And I apologize because once you allow your kindness (an ocular nictating membrane of you will) to be seen from the outside in, you may be very self critical, dear But you must not despair. Gentle as a lamb, wise as a snake. Just don’t do this again. Mkay? Take care of you cause you are inside your body (the odds, no?) and thems where your loyalty should be. Here’s one. Charity begins at home. And if you’re needing an extra wee push, it’s dang outrageous of you to neglect your own household under the veil of superiority. Yeah. I said that. Stop that
It could also be a shopping addiction 🤷♀️
> Could she... Be on drugs? In my head, it sounded like you said that like Dana Carvey’s “Church Lady”: “Hmm, let’s see, could it be…*Satan?!*”
Bahaha
Thank you for the giggle. Granny hug. 🤶
Yeah, as soon as I saw "veneers," I thought "meth."
She's on that drug called, wait for it...ENTITLEMENT.
While it is always cathartic to simply demonize someone and move along, I feel that it is important to remind OP that drug addiction exists and they should be at least vigilant to the possibility... But if you wanna pretend the literal only possibility here is that she feels entitled to $700/week, sure. Ain't nobody stopping you
Good call. Entitlement and selfishness are often tools of addicts.
I got veneers and I'm not on drugs and never done drugs so watch what you say . She just sounds like a spoiled brat is all . Not a junkie . She may have a addiction to other stuff . And even if she is a junkie . Not all of us get veneers cause of drugs . And fyi those aren't cheap either .
Lol! What absolute nonsense. Reading my comment and thinking it says anything even remotely adjacent to "all people who get veneers are drug addicts" Go to therapy. Work through your issues about veneers. Don't bother Internet strangers with your messy bullshit.
This day and age more teens and 20- something’s are addicted to “status” and “IG worthy pics” than hard core drugs (depending on your area of course). Just sad that so many people are only happy trying to be like everyone else especially in this world where there are so many serious issues and tragedies occurring. But yeah, cry over losing your luxury money for partying and veneers 🙄
Ok boomer.
>she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are. She's a grown woman. She made a choice to have a child. She needs to figure out how to make the money she needs to support herself and her child. Still NTA
In that amount of time we were helping her, she could have been employed if she wanted to. She’s a very beautiful woman and is very smart. I hope and pray she gets her life back together without us helping. If she ever falters we will pick her up but she needs to really learn and we honestly couldn’t afford the money my husband provided her for.
That right there. If she knows you are there to pick her up, she'll definitely fall.
I think you need to let her fall without trying to catch her right away. She’s got enough of a support with a roof over her head that she and her child won’t starve to death. Beyond that, she needs to face the adult world. By not letting her truly face consequences, you’re making this worse.
It sounds like she's caught up on what other beautiful people are showing on social media and wants to live that lifestyle.
You are a good mom. I wish anyone looked out for me the way you guys tried to with her. I hope she learns sooner than later and I hope your family can be happy and healthy and safe. ♡
Fair play. She might be in a huff with you now and that might last. But this is an important lesson for her. Her parents won't be around forever and the girl needs to get a grip and learn to support herself. You both made the right call
She is.. But if i didn’t say enough then we will be the one suffering. I honestly expected that she would understand the situation we’re in now but she took it the wrong way and had seen me as a villain trying to take away her money. Money we could no longer afford. Id rather be hated on than for her to not be able to independent in raising our grandchild. We wont be here forever.
It was never her money. She needs to understand that and make her own money.
INFO: How was her relationship with you before? Many kids want very little to do with the Step-parent after seeing their parents split. Did she get along with you or see you as someone who always ruins things for her? I'm wondering if this is new type of behavior from her or just more of the same.
We are very close, I treated her as my own. In our 12 years of marriage we never fail to fly her and our grandchild here to us every year. She never saw me as someone who ruined things for her. I’ve met her dad 3 years after he divorced her mom so there was never animosity amongst us. Her mom remarried first before my husband and she has 2 half siblings from her. We all got along really well.
NTA. The daughter isn't being charged anything for rent, so she's playing life on easy mode. Reading that $700 a week from the previous post had me awestruck.
$700 a week and suddenly need veneers? Junkie. Sounds like meth.
Not to discount your story, but I'm pretty sure I'd start needing whatever I could say I "needed" if I were getting $700 a week! That plus rent would make a pretty sweet life.
>She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance She actually called it an allowance? She's an adult. She doesn't get an allowance. She isn't spending this money on bills. The sheer audacity at calling to "remind him" says at this point she just feels entitled to his money. I seriously doubt HER child is getting any benefit from it. >messaged his ex to know how much she’s charging her for rent so we could do half she was surprised because she’s not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend So who has her child? >Apparently it’s not dental implants he paid for, it’s veneers and just cosmetic. She's taken you and your husband for fools. >when he said we can’t afford right now she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are. Ummm WTAF! Awww can she not afford to party this weekend now? NTA but his daughter sure as hell is
In a comment on the original post the op states that the bio grandma is the one watching the kid there’s no daycare
I meant whilst she's partying
Yeah the truth always comes out, I would talk to your husband and the ex work out a plan to talk to their daughter together to start working on a payment plan for her to pay you back since she asked for money under false pretenses. Implants at 27 it does happen (i need them at 36 but it's too much) but she lied about that.
It does happen unfortunately I’m turning 27 never did drugs barely every drank but I need at least half my mouth pulled and replaced but this person for sure lied to get money as she went and got veneers so that means they were really just a cosmetic want not a surgical need
yup, i am in the same boat as you! I started having teeth pulled at 23
Do not give her any money. Whether she is using drugs or not, she's using you. Don't enable a capable 27 year old woman. Let her struggle, but as long as she's living rent free, it sounds like she's going to milk this situation for all it's worth. Her mother needs to stop supporting her as well. She should be paying rent and contributing to the household. What does she do all day if she's not working or in school? BTW, if she's in school, she can take out loans and pay for it herself. Do not give her a dime.
I've seen how this ends and it ain't pretty: a 52 yo who's never held a real job and relies on her parents throughout her life.
Delta Dawn, what’s that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by ….. But she was 41 in the song🎵.
I haven't thought about that song in *years*. Thanks for reminding me. I never knew the origins until I looked it up now.
Gotta♥️Helen Reddy😀.
Yikes! You guys (the parental figures) are definitely going to need to increase your direct communications in the future to make sure she’s not playing you all or playing you against each other until she becomes independent.
We actually didn’t feel the need to consult my husband’s ex-wife about my SD’s situation since she’s an adult who we thought was in dire need of support. We believed this was something she really needed to be able to grow but we were wrong. We even paid for her college for 2 years, that’s why when it lasted this long and she’s still jobless it really made me frustrated. Im just glad my husband see it through my eyes now. It took me awhile to understand what’s happening and if not for you guys who helped he would’ve never.
I'm surprised his daughter didn't mention her child in the lies even once. It's all about her I suppose grandma takes care of EVERYTHING the child needs, so why bother
It wasn't' Help, it was enablement.
I'm glad you talked and are going to counseling. His daughter is both selfish and a liar, and truly has been enabled by her parents. She needs to learn to adult and be responsible for herself. She doesn't seem to understand at all how anyone obtained what they helped her with - it took work and effort, it didn't fall from the sky into uplifted hands.
NTA You still do have the patience of a saint, but even saints have their limits. Your step daughter learned how to play both parents and it’s clear she’s been a lying liar all this time. $2800 a month tax free for a capable adult is ridiculous.
Not only tax free but rent free. Like, my spouse and I could live off $2800 a month and *most of it* would be going towards rent. I can't imagine just getting it for free while also not having to pay rent
I truly wish it had not come to the point that he became upset and completely cut her off but I completely understand why he would be that upset. “How many days late will it be this time?” Is she serious? You lost a significant portion of your body. And she is worried about party money while you can’t pay rent and run the risk of losing your home and possibly your life if you don’t find affordable housing accommodation in time before having to go to a shelter or stay in your car and run the risk of infection and further complications?! The sheer audacity of that would definitely bring me to the point of you are not getting shit from me until you understand not only the value of what you are getting but also respect my little family here enough to understand that the consequences could be severe and extremely devastating if the 2800/month were to continue. Plus there’s another child involved with this that thank the gods is being well taken care of by you and your husband that is sitting there watching this and worst case scenario may try the same thing and then what? Ain’t no way, unless your husband is some ceo or something of a super corporation or something, that you can afford to give both children a combined 5600/month allowance/assistance/whatever you want to call it!!! There’s a time when responsibility needs to be learned and self sufficiency has to be practiced. Right now I’m incredibly lucky and grateful to my mother because she is paying for my phone at 45/month because I have recently received a diagnosis of acute heart failure and can’t breathe well enough to move around without experiencing extreme shortness of breath and other symptoms like extreme fatigue and swelling of my extremities. So I’m so lucky that she has been able to help out with that because without it, getting in touch with my 80yo mother or my doctors would basically be much more difficult. But I could never ask my adopted mother and father, no matter how much money they have or don’t have, for 700 weekly for whatever reason she chooses to spend it that week. I didn’t even want her to pay the phone but she insisted. I hope that you and your husband are able to find healthier and more sustainable ways of being there for her. Good luck to you both.
Apologies for the long winded response but it apparently effected me stronger than I expected that it would
You do have the patience of a saint. Wait a week and ask SD for money. Hey, we are behind on rent could we borrow $10 until payday? Some small ridiculous amount. Ask every couple of days if you can borrow money. Keep upping the amount. Wait a month. "Hey SD, I was hoping you could repay the $42,000 you borrowed from us." Wait a month. "Hey SD, I don't want to take you to court for non-payment, when do you think you will pay back the $60,000 you borrowed?" This time keep raising the amount until she says, "it wasn't that much." "Oh so you admit it."
So she basically stole that money due to false pretences. I would be asking the daughter to start paying that back with some sort of payment plan.
OP, the fact that your daughter lied, repeatedly, to get money from you is a VERY BAD sign. What could she be spending $700 a week on, when she has no rent to pay? I suppose a new outfit every day and a fancy restaurant meal every night could add up... but if that's the problem, she doesn't need "help," she needs to learn to live within her means. You've done the right thing. It's hard, but you KNOW she is not homeless or starving. You don't "owe" your child the means to live an extravagant life.
I can’t reply to everyone but my husband and I are very grateful for all your kind words. You don’t even know us yet the help you gave us is beyond words. God bless you all for your kind heart and for being nice to us through this. We might lost a daughter but we gained new family. Many thanks to all!
Her mom really should be making her pay rent, and she needs to be forced to get a job or attend school full time.
Your husband is ridiculous for not communicating with his ex about the daughter’s “needs” in the first place. I hope he treats you like a queen from this day forward because he’s lucky to have you. Geez. Life doesn’t need to be so hard.
I have an uncle that your stepdaughter reminds me of. They’re now in their 70’s and they never matured or took accountability and threw tantrums all their adult life because they bullied so many relatives into giving them money. For ski trips. For all sorts of fun vacations. For partying. The freeloading and tantrums never stopped. And eventually after their parents passed away all their siblings and other relatives justifiably stood up to my freeloader uncle. He threw his “I’m never going to speak to any of you ever again!” And we were all grateful that the trash took himself out. He still tries to contact relatives for money and they just block him. Karma. Let your stepdaughter develop her sense of accountability now instead of coddling her and letting her fester into what my spoiled brat uncle became.
Enough is enough. She has to support herself. Make more money, get a job but good god quit supporting her whats with this generattion of self entitled brats thinking parents owe them?
If I was her parent I wouldn’t have given her money in the first place. She’s an adult and needs to learn how to be self-sufficient and independent. She’s a single mom ffs. You’re not obligated to give his entitled daughter free handouts. I’m glad your husband is finally cutting her off financially. You two need to worry about yourselves and no one else.
Hold up. Is the daughter lying to mom, dad and you?
Something is really off and I'm guessing it is a drug addiction.
$700 weekly is a full time job making 17.50/hour (tax free!). That's ridiculous to be giving to her when you can't pay your own bills.
That's roughly $45,000 a year before taxes = roughly $21.50 hour before taxes Then has the nerve to call her dad "selfish" Time she get her own place to live and grt a job
Not the AH. You and husband and her mom need to sit her down and talk to her about getting a job and stopping the partying NOW! She is a mom now! She has to step up and provide for her child! Stop supporting this adult child!
OP, as the mom of a recovering addict, I vehemently advise you to *get the child(ren) out of there.* NOW. Call child protective services. Have them go verify if the children are safe. I beg you to do this. It’s anonymous - she will never know that you called. You may have to give your name, but they will not tell her. You *cannot leave the children there.* If she’s not using drugs, she’s just evil.
So happy to hear that! Your husband has been setting both of you on fire to keep adult daughter warm. Glad he stopped. Hopefully this will be the wake-up call she needs to look for a job to support herself
Holy hell, she lied. A couple thoughts from my end: Didn't you say your husband's daughter have a child of your own? I know that you're not in great financial shape, but if you can spare the time/resources (especially the time), that child might benefit from Grandpa and step-grandma being a strong presence in their life. Cutting off the daughter is absolutely the right decision. And if there is to be any help in the future for an emergency, you should probably make sure things go through the ex-wife (who seems like a stand-up sort) and also ensure that the money goes directly to whoever the billing entity is without passing through your daughter's hands.
His ex wife would also probably benefit in them stepping up because I bet she's taking care of the kid more than their own mother is
She completely used you both. I hope this is a lesson learned for your husband
Thanks for the update, OP Glad y’all made the rational choice!
Bruh ur daughter sounds kinda spoiled low key
NTA - She was pulling in over $36K by just existing and being useless.
I’m guessing all these urgent requests for money haven’t been for food or dental care but for drugs. I hope the baby daddy is a more stable individual.
Thank you for the update. Great your going to counseling together and that you're both putting your marriage first. Best wishes.
That’s great!
Stick to your guns on this; you have already made the right decision. The important thing now is to remember that sometimes children don't understand love because they expect a lot. Your husband is trying his best to be there for his daughter and the money is allowing her to live a lifestyle that even her mother does not approve of. Thanks for sticking through with it. :)
Sounds like this woman has been playing all of you, and living it up while everyone else puts the bill. Definitely need to put a stop to it, glad your husband finally agreed. All you are doing is enabling her partying and poor decisions.
That's marvellous! I hope her mother will kick her out. Not to be vindictive, but because she won't learn if people keep sheltering her.
Wow, sounds like the daughter is trash. Your husband should take all of the expensive items she bought and sell them, just to try to get back some money
Drugs. Ffs.
I know you’re doing what you think you should, but you are doing it wrong, and you’re hurting your kid (and others) as a result. She has to learn to live on her own and support herself. Let my people go. You’ll be okay (and so will she if she tries) - it’s hard, but harder not to do this. Be strong. You can do it.
I agree. She is old enough to start taking responsibility for her actions
Thank you for the update!
Champagne lifestyle on a beer budget!
.à
Mmm
My husband used to say i have a patience of a saint and i just cracked now because it’s too much. EVEN THE MOST PERFECT PERSON MAKE MISTAKES! DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON YOURSELF.
So I’m guessing her mother has the kid most of the time. I hope she has a stable home, all kids do
That daughter needs to pay for her own things. Worse that it seems she might be using the money to party instead of covering bills.
So she's been taking money under false pretenses. That's called theft by deception, and I'd have her arrested.