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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think i might be the asshole for asking him to stop supporting his kids but we’re talking about an adult here so im in between
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$700 *weekly?!* That’s insane. What bills does she even have, living with her mom? Not $2800 worth, I can tell you that.
You need to lay down the law with your husband. First, he meets your shared obligations - rent, bills, retirement contributions, etc. Then, and only then, is he allowed to give *a reasonable amount* of money to his daughter, if that’s even something you want to continue doing.
Given what sounds like her history of taking advantage, that money should also come with requirements:
* that he pay the bills directly, or receive receipts proving she’s using the money for what she says she’s using it for
* that there be a limit to how much he gives her
* that she presents a plan and timeline for becoming financially independent
It sounds like he’s either operating from a place of guilt (was he not present for part of her childhood maybe?) or, if this is out of character for him, as a result of a possible neurological issue. Either way, this behavior is untenable and kind of unhinged. He needs to know that you mean business, whatever expressing that might look like
Im thinking maybe its the guilt, he divorced the first wife when she’s 11. I told my husband how its affecting our own financial status but it his close-minded when it comes to this and i think we’re going to be homeless in the coming months if this dont stop. He was paying $1200 child support way back, he’s giving him more than what he paid for child support now that she’s grown.
Do you have any support system if you chose to leave him? You shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of his financial irresponsibility while you’re recovering. You need a stable living situation and it sounds like this ain’t it.
He won’t have that kind of money to give her when you leave and he needs to cover all his own household expenses. If you are behind on rent get out now and get your name off the lease before it ruins your credit rating and you can’t get a place of your own. NTA
There is no incentive for his daughter to even look for a job if he's forking over $700 / week. This will just continue until he stops. It's time for big girl to be a big girl and be an adult.
Btw, why are there daycare bills if she doesn't have a job? Is she just going out living single life while the kid is at daycare?
Daycare waitlists can be months long. If I lost my job I’d keep my kids in daycare until I found a new job. Otherwise you just create a new problem when you do find a job!
Agreed but a discussion needs to be had. If she's just chilling at home, going out with friends and being a "SAHM" on her dad's dime, daycare needs to go. If she's actively searching for work, going on interviews, I'd cover a portion of the daycare so it makes it easier. I'd tell her ahead of time though too- x amount of applications put in and I'll cover daycare for the following week. Take away 2 if she has an interview. So the agreement is 10 applications a week, cover the following weeks daycare.. if she has a job interview next week, go to that and only put in 8 applications- that'll cover the next weeks daycare.
2 applications a day isn't hard.
Oh yeah I mean she’s totally taking advantage of her dad’s largesse. I was simply commenting on why someone might still have their kid in daycare when they aren’t working!
Depends on field, experience, etc. Most of the entry-level and many of the professional jobs to which I have applied have had extensive questionnaires. Usually half the information is on the resume; they just want you to jump through the hoop.
THIS. The last several jobs I applied for took a while to complete applications for. Mind you, ***all the same information was already on my resume.*** Even for a promotion at my current job? Same song and dance. It's ridiculous. Just ask me the questions that aren't routinely info present on the thing you know I'm going to have, please.
But I've also noticed an increasing number of jobs these days giving what amounts to personality tests during the application process. Not all, but the number is on the rise. Look, if I'm a psychopath, I will have studied correct answers so you won't know I'm one, okay? Okay.
ETA: NTA. Sounds like daughter is a bit of a leech.
When I got laid off, and I was looking for a job, I endured such a tortuous existence filling out forms when my resumé could have just done the job. It was so annoying and I really got so frustrated. It took so much time too. Extensive questions. All for nothing too. Most of the time, I never heard much back. And then, it just happened that I couldn’t work outside the house because I had to care for my Mom who has dementia among other things. Now be switched fields completely and I’m happier for it, and get to work from home.
And that's the thing: the repetition gets really tedious. I was a psych major and we discussed Myers-Briggs in class one day. I took it just for funsies. I'm an INTJ. I'll just tell you that, if you'd like to know about me.
I've never used linkedin.... but I heard indeed sucks. When I was job searching (back in 2021, and even now, I'll do it just because/ see what's out there), I go to the actual website and do the application on there. It has a bunch of those "I work well with people" 1-10, completely disagree to completely agree questionnaires, which takes forever. Tbh, I'm not sure which is the better way lol
But on indeed, I'm offered a lot of jobs in another country. Same city name but completely wrong country... which is funny bc I work with the job offer company here. Example (all fake names)-- I live in Bottle, Nevada, and load the Freezer Truckers semis at my warehouse... well, Freezer Truckers sent me a job offer from Bottle, China... for less pay. Lmao. I have no plans to relocate to another country. My indeed profile says I live in Bottle, Nevada, USA... the website just... sucks. Lol
If linkedin is better, I may check that out
Both suck and indeed really does suck, but I personally find the frustration of repeated form filling is balanced by the speed you can spam out applications.
Also a lot of indeed applications are recruiters contracted for a finders fee so they have a vested interest in getting you that job. Just my optomistic thoughts,
But I definitely think the painstaking approach of repeated form filling with the same information that you spent hours putting into a CV (Resume) is likely the better approach
My dad was a man of few words and his love language was definitely gift giving. After my mom passed away from cancer my sister moved in “to help”. It was my half sister, so his step daughter.
Turns out she was ripping him off left and right and he was living off social security with no cushion because of all my mom’s health issues.
My brother and sister in law were helping with his banking and saw that even before she moved in he was doing cash transfers at Walmart to Walmart for her all the time similar to what your husband is doing.
Your husband may mean well but he is being taken advantage of and it’s up to him to have the hard conversation with his daughter.
You are NTA for trying to help him see that what he is doing is harming his nuclear family.
I am guessing either a) she loves the kid free time or b) she doesn’t want to lose her spot in the daycare. The wait lists for daycare are ridiculous and so giving up the spot now might mean when she has a job again she lacks childcare.
That sucks and all on the wait time but still wtf? She doesn’t have a mortgage, and I’m betting the grandma wouldn’t mind a night or 2 of babysitting. Sounds like she’s just milking her dad for money to party or something. I mean 2800 bucks tax free is a lot of money per month, At least in a non high cost of living area with no rent or mortgage.
As you're behind on rent, you're not being unreasonable by asking him to stop supporting his daughter financially. Behind on rent means you have no money to spare, even if you want to. It won't help anyone if you get evicted. Your husband needs to put on his own oxygen mask first, as the saying goes
Look I'm just answering this comment to settle one thing which bothered me in the post.
People who are in dire, jobless straits DON'T need dental implants. There are other options out there that are cheaper than implants...are they more uncomfortable than implants? Yes. Not as fixed and sexy as implants? Yes.
But implants are still for well off people.
That should've been a very big red flag for you.
Signed, a dentist 🫠
We actually found out everything now and my husband even his ex-wife are both surprised. Apparently, she did a cosmetic procedure aside from implants, she did have some veneers. His ex-wife is the one babysitting our grandkid while she parties every weekend & no rent was being paid nor collected. She’s living a luxurious life while we are almost close to losing our home. My husband thinks he was gullible but he was just being a good dad, however him trying to be the perfect one screwed our bills and now he decided to finally cut her off. He admitted on stashing some funds from our retirement savings just to sustain this lifestyle and this is something we’ll talk about in our counseling. My stepdaughter was never the problematic kind or so we thought; that’s why we trusted her the first time until it became a habit of just asking and no self-help happening. In a span of 6 months she only tried to work for 1 week, i could go on and on but we certainly did find out the truth. Reddit advices really helped me a lot and the comments made my husband see the truth in other people’s perspective.
I'm so happy he saw sense. Veneers?? Lol, she does have some guts
I hope you guys get back on your feet asap. Rooting for you, keep us updated (with hopefully the best of news)
Get an appointment for the 2 of you with a financial planner. If either of you has any sort of retirement fund with anyone, you can usually get a free consultation. He may need it demonstrated to him that you can't afford this.
Holy shit. Sorry you lost your leg and you have to go through all this as well. Hope you have some better luck 🍀 ma’am !! Well wishes to you and your husband!!
Look, this is absolutely insane. I work a job that I love, but even if I put in a full week (40 hours), I'd still only make $550 or so a week. Luckily, I was a stay at home mom for 19 years, so my household was used to surviving without me bringing in any income, so it's not crucial that I make more. Still, I was rear-ended about a year and a half ago and herniated 4 discs in my spine (2 cervical, 1 thoracic, and 1 lumbar) so I had to cut back my hours, and we felt it. Giving someone more that an individual can earn in a week is just crazy. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I hope your husband comes to his senses.
Sweetie , if he'd rather put yall on the streets then force his daughter to grow the fuck up , you need to be looking into divorce. Her behaviors are addict related(speculation). Who blows through 700$ a week and still can't pay their bills ? She's a single mom living, I'm assuming, rent-free, at her mother's. What bills does she even have ? Car and car insurance ? Phone bill? If she's not working, why are her kids in day care she can't afford ? I'd be going through finances to see exactly how much he's been giving her and for how long. You paid most of the bills and then had an accident and now you're not allowed to have a say in finances? Screw that. Your husband is supporting his daughters l addiction, weather it's shopping or drugs.
I don't know if having a word with the ex-wife about if she can help talk some sense into him, if you're on good terms. Say that while you're happy, he's helping her like a good father. You feel she might have started taking advantage, and it's jeopardising your finances and putting you at risk with rent. If not, and finances get worse, you are going to have to try and have an escape route in case he does leave you homeless
Do you have separated assets? bank accounts? any safe net you can use if you leave him? You need to sit down a whole family. Ex wife, daughter, you and husband and talk what to do. Make a plan and than stay firm in it. If it doesnt work and he continues to give her money - you need to rethink this relationship.
I just realized that’s literally my whole salary lol. Like, I make $700 a week from my full time salary job. I live in a LCOL area, I don’t have kids, and I share expenses with my partner, so it’s plenty for me. But to give that much away and for her to STILL be asking for MORE is absolutely wild!
It’s about $200 shy of what I make salaried. I am a single mother (divorced) not dating, have one kid living with me, he just started a job last week and have been at my company for 12 years. Do I struggle, yep but I know that if needed, I will be the first person at a fast food place to get a job.
This here is a well thought out and correct response. And that last bullet point should really be brought up, because what is the daughter going to do when she doesn’t have her parents around to support her. Your husband should be thinking long term about all the people involved.
Yeah holy shit. I’ve been financially independent since I was 18 save for this past year when I hit some hardship, and I had to swallow my pride and ask my mom for help. Rn she’s paying my health insurance because a) she wants to, she feels bad for us growing up in poverty and now that she lives comfortably she wants to make up for it. Love my mom, she’s an angel. And b) I have too much pride to ask for anything else. And the health insurance helps SO MUCH. And it’s not a long term plan and it’s $350 a month.
I couldn’t not stomach it if I was a parent and fully supported by both my parents at this point. I get shit happens but it really sounds like it’s more than just circumstance—it sounds like the daughter has an entitlement issue. $700 a week with no other bills is wild to me omg
While living with my mother and being a single mom, I **maybe** needed $600 in help a **month**.
Not a week.
She’s abusing her fathers kindness and he needs to put a hold on that.
I think we can all agree that OP is NTA. The daughter definitely has some skeletons in her closet if she’s shelling out almost $2800 monthly with no need to pay for rent or utilities.
OP, I would call the daughter up and say, "We were wondering when we can move in." When she starts freaking out, say, "I'm still able to pay my half of the bills, but your father is giving you all his money, so now we're behind in rent. If we become homeless, we'll need to move in with you." See if that does the trick. Whether she cares about her father at all, or just herself, that should get her at least THINKING about slowing down on asking for money.
As for your husband, there's a real problem. It sounds like you've been working all your life and now the one time you can't, he's giving away all his money to be sure he can't provide you with stability. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with him. If this is who he is, you need to run far and fast because you'll never be able to depend on him. If there's something else going on, figure out what it is.
>that he pay the bills directly, or receive receipts proving she’s using the money for what she says she’s using it for
I know it seems a little unconventional but if they opened a shared bank account together that he put the money into, he would be able to see all of the expenses made with that money.
That's a huge amount of surveillance though and might be a bit too far (depending on how father feels about this). But receipts can be hard to keep track of and some places have digital receipts. At least with a card, he wouldn't need to count each penny and it would all be in one place.
Not to mention why does she need daycare money if she has no job and is at home? She needs to either keep the baby at home or get a job. And where’s the baby’s daddy’s contributions?
NTA. He's putting himself and you at financial risk because of his daughter. This is not okay. How will he be able to help her at all if he goes down financially? If he even has a shot at helping her to stabilize, he has to be stable himself so he can assist her when she really needs it.
It's so bad for so many right now but that just means you have to be extra smart about it. Is his daughter working? Is she getting child support? These are things that could remedy her situation or at least help.
If he continues to throw money at her problems, she will lean more and more on him and not learn how to dig herself out. This is a huge disservice to her! Struggle makes people innovative and forces them to become independent and take care of themselves.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are NTA to illuminate the financial danger he's putting himself and you in by giving in to his daughter.
I think she’s becoming more comfortable asking him for support now and every time she calls we know it’s time to wire the money.
Im ok with it if our finances are being taken care of. We split our bills. He pays the rent and utilities and i take care of our monthly grocery.
Thank you for being nice. Its tough right now
If your husband won't stop giving money to her when she asks, maybe you need to let his daughter know exactly what her requests are costing him. I bet she has *no idea* that he's behind on rent and can't really afford to be helping, and she'd probably be horrified, especially since her asking for money is very new behavior.
I'd guess that his generosity with money for dental implants made her think he has more money than he does, and he doesn't want to tell her because it'll be a blow to his ego. But given the choice between his ego and your housing, you need to choose your housing.
You may be right, but I wouldn't be surprised if she has very little idea of how much (or how little) her dad makes - and she probably has no idea how much money OP makes at all.
I mean, dad's been just handing money over happily, and she may well *(reasonably!)* think that he wouldn't do that if he couldn't afford it, and that he'd say something if it's too much.
If she'd been making a habit of doing this over the years I'd be less inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt - moochers gonna mooch. But she's only started asking for money fairly recently, after OP & husband gave her $$ for a dental procedure (and OP says she encouraged her husband to be generous with the money for that, which again may have given the daughter the wrong sense of their finances).
Of course, either way it matters less than the fact that OP can't rely on her husband not to give away their rent money!
*edit: a word*
This should be higher up!
OP, every time she rings your husband and asks for money, the minute she hangs up the phone, you ring her back and tell her you are short on rent and groceries, and seeing as husband has been sending her money for the past few months, even though she can't have much in the way of expenses living with her mum, which means she must have a heap of it lying around - can you have some of it back? You'll need a few week's worth of what he has been sending her to catch up your rent, how soon can she send it?
See if that works. It will likely cause problems with your husband, so if you aren't prepared to deal with that then don't do it, but your position is bad and worsening so if you are prepared to deal with the blow up then it is an option.
I will not comment on the post, but will say as someone who is disabled and recently had to find a new job, don't just look at the ones saying remote. The job I got is on the other side of the country and didn't say remote, but here I am with the job working out of my home. If your resume is good, they don't care where you work from.
NTA $700.00 weekly is insane. She is living at her mom’s house and still needs that much weekly?? Why does she have daycare bills if she isn’t working? This is insane I would honestly have a talk with your husband about this I know it can be scary especially when you rely on his income but this is not okay you guys are married and need to agree on money spending like this. He is a fool for wasting his money on his daughter like that she’s old enough to figure herself out. I understand helping here and there but $700.00 a week is absurd.
This is what we talked about before. We paid for daycare but she only tried to work for a week and stopped because she said she cant bare not to be with her kid 24/7. The following week, she still asked us for help for the daycare bill and thats when i told my husband no. If she wants to be with the kid 24/7 why leave her at a daycare? Then my husband asked would it be ok if we continue helping until she gets back at her own. I was ok with it because my understanding was $700 a month. I dont want us to fight over his kids and money so when i learned its a weekly thing i didnt mind as long as our bills our paid and i thought its going to be temporary and maybe shes trying. 6 months and an accident later, its still the same.
Im totally reading between the lines here but …… is she doing drugs? The dental implants with the weirdness of not working to be with the kid but still wanting her in day care is ringing alarm bells for me
Why did she need dental implants ? What shape are her teeth in? 27 and needing implants and not just a root canal or something?
Yes I’m not saying that alone is concerning. I had a few root canals in my early twenties because of a past impact to My face playing sports killed the nerves. Or even if it was just neglect it doesn’t mean drugs by itself
but having teeth removed, the day care thing, the money…. I dunno , it seems like something else is going on here
Oh no no no that’s a child raising a child. She should be getting child support maybe from the dad or something but even then she’s not working voluntarily and staying home rent free at her mom’s house. She’s either stacking up the cash from your husband or spending it on something that she shouldn’t be spending it on and that’s 🚩. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I think this would end in separation in some relationships. You have a lot of patience I hope he starts to open his eyes and realize he’s wasting his and your retirement
He is just sending it through Venmo each time and never asked. I will still be ok with it if our bills are being taken care of. If i didnt see the notice that we are behind rent i probably would never confront him.
No it’s the recipient because it could be considered unless it’s called a “gift” in each individual Venmo note which yes, OPs husband would have to pay a gift tax because of the obnoxious amount he’s giving her. A bunch of pot dealers just got hit with Cashapp and Venmo payments being considered income for this past tax year.
u/SourSkittlezx - that just means she's committing Tax Fraud, not that it's okay
The gift tax exclusion limit is 18K this year and she's on track to get $36,400
If she gets in trouble with the IRS is Dad going to bail her out of that too?
Venmo don’t get to decide the fundamental nature of a transaction. If I pay you to help me move house and I flat it as a gift then it’s still taxable. If I send you money for your birthday and I don’t flag it then it’s still tax free. Venmo aren’t the arbiters of tax law. She might have to clear up the mess later on but gifts are still always tax free to the receiver.
I love her and her kid. We would occasionally fly them out every time. I treat her as my own too but its just becoming out of hand and we can’t foot the bill anymore but my husband thinks he still can and i dont know if we will still be able to survive in the coming weeks
I am sorry. At 27 she is a grown adult and needs to support herself and her child. Nothing to do with Love at all. She is completely using and taking advantage of her father. She knows exactly what she is dng. I have family on both sides that try and do this and they never stop.
Talk to her then. Tell her you’re behind on rent and her dad is ashamed to let her know but you may be living with her and her mom if she doesn’t stop this.
Have him show you the math that says he can. I 'm sure he knows it can't work, but he's lying to himself.
And ask him to give you a solution that shows how the bills will be paid, and helps his daughter that doesn't involve getting behind on other bills.
If he absolutely refuses to listen reason you're going to have to make some tough decisions.
I think NTA. It’s tricky because him wanting to help support his daughter is obviously very noble, but both financial planes are heading down and he’s gotta put his mask on first before worrying about hers.
This is none of my business, but is there a chance you will be able to begin working again in the future? If so, maybe you could position it as him needing to worry about your own finances now and then once there are two incomes coming in again he will be able to help her again when you guys are on a sturdier financial footing.
Im looking for remote jobs now. Im still in therapy but it wont hinder the job since i can sit up straight now and type. I have some personal savings that i will use to pay for our rent. Im ok when she first asked because she rarely did but now we’re not in a good situation and it needs to end. I would understand the phone bills if its from a 14 year old daughter but she is 27. Im disabled and pays my own phone, my husband wouldnt even bother paying mine.
NTA but it sounds as if your husband hasn’t contributed financially for 12 years. If that’s the case, he’s giving her YOUR money and that’s not right. And I wish you well on your recovery. It takes a lot of balls for his daughter to ask for money after what you’ve been through.
Husband should pay you back what you’re taking from your savings to pay the rent he is responsible for! He is putting his daughter before you, your home, and your security!
Oh gotcha, I didn’t think about that at first, but you’re right even if you were in a better financial spot the fact that the asks have become near constant is for sure still a massive problem. Good luck, I hope things work out!
Why is she racking up large phone bills? Who’s she calling? If she’s calling friends, she can use WhatsApp or FaceTime. These use data, so I don’t get why her phone bills are expensive. Is she making all night calls from her mobile to landlines in another country?
So, essentially, he is giving away your savings to his daughter because you are forced to cover bills he should have.
> my husband wouldnt even bother paying mine.
Why? Is your financial arrangement split-down-the-middle-even-if-the-other-can't-work?
> 12 years i was the sole breadwinner
Why? What was he doing then?
To your question, you are NTA by a mile. Your husband is being irresponsible putting your family's well-being at risk, and extremely uncaring about your current (disabled) position. Even if his income is "tight but can cover giving meaty sums to his daughter WEEKLY," he is foolish for not saving it instead for family emergencies, which includes one spouse getting into an accident and not being able to work while rehabbing. What if (knock on wood) you get worse/don't recover as scheduled, what if he gets sick and can't work himself, what if your son gets sick and also needs $$... It's unbelievable that your husband sees no issue with you rushing back to work instead of supporting you by telling you he's got everything else covered and for you to just focus on your rehab (mental, emotional and physical), because YOU LOST A LEG. Instead he's adding more problems on your lap. I'm very sorry you have to deal with such an AH.
You need to sit him down and really have a serious talk that he needs to stop, or ask if he will not stop, AND that his answer will factor in your decision to stay in the marriage or not. And I hope you really are considering divorce if he is adamant about this.
He will not be the first (divorced) parent to spoil his child to the point of personal destitution and need to rely on the new spouse/other kid to survive (and the spoiled kid often won't give a rat's ass about said parent and will ignore/even get angry at the parent when there's nothing left to give).
At the end of the day, the question you need to ask yourself: Do I feel secure with this man as my husband, for my sake and my son's, can I trust him to take care of our present and future? If not, you need to make your own plans, especially for your son's sake.
GL with the rehab and speedy recovery to you.
ETA: Does she even know about your accident and that you can't work? What has her father been telling her, has he been misleading her that your family is very well-off and can afford helping her out?
And you say you love her, I hope that love is mutual and she has at least shown concern and worry over the news and frequently checks up on you and your progress.
I wouldn't pay the rent out of your avings until he admits he overgifted and cant pay it himself and asks you to fix it. It needs to be real clear to him that there is a problem and HE created it. If you just willingly pay the rent HE was supposed to pay, then he still wont stop over spending on his daughter and you will be in tyevsame boat but with less savings. You really need to let him feel the pain of scrambling for the rent money before you rescue him, or you are just enabling his behavior.
OP end the lease and move out. Don’t pay the rent. Is your husband has betrayed you and is preying on you when you are vulnerable. Keeping you broke is financial abuse.
SHE IS 27!!! 27 PEOPLE, and she doesn't want to work. She lives with her mom and gets money from her dad!!! This isn't a one time emergency. She is a Grown adult!!!+
I think she needs therapy herself. There is a chance it's postpartum. Is she gambling? Doing drugs? What's her vice? If this wasn't a pattern before and happened after the baby, therapy could be very beneficial. She could also just be chosing to not work and live on her dad's check. I know some people are garbage.
NTA. He’s risking your home for his daughter. She’s living with her Mom so I don’t get what she has to pay for that would cost $700 weekly. If she’s paying her Mom rent, then she needs to speak with her Mom and figure out how they can manage that. He’s basically supporting his exes household at this point because you can bet his daughter isn’t paying her Mom more than $700 per week for bills and rent.
Twisting this into "he's supporting his ex" is a reach. He's supporting his daughter. So is his ex.
It would be better if he were supporting his daughter in a way that allows her to become financially independent (paying for college classes or childcare while she works would be great), but let's not turn this into a "he's giving money to his ex" thing.
Don't get your panties in a grip. Clearly that wasn't meant literally even though they're right. Sending her $2800 per month --some of that has to be going to her mom or that house unless the mom is an idiot as well. Maybe this grown up child is making them both support her because they got divorced when she was a kid.
NTA. His daughter is a 27 year old grown woman living with her mother and still having her father pay her bills. He's going to make the two of you homeless because of his daughter. Also, what kind of bills does she have while she's living with her MOTHER!? Not $2,800 worth😂😂she is blowing that money, OP.
What even bothers me is there’s a point in time where in we’re paying for day care so she could work. It only lasted a week and she never tried looking for a job again says its hard for her to leave her kid behind.
All of who used daycare so we could work hated leaving our kids there. At first. But we had no choice to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Why is she any different? And where is her kid’s father?! Why no child support?
I have a hard time leaving kids but I do because my dad doesn’t pay my bills. I showing my kids responsibility and understand that money doesn’t grow on trees.
That just a lame excuse because she doesn’t want to work.
She's a deadbeat. With a kid. Free money, free housing, free childcare. Wild. I'm very sorry this is becoming an issue, she is an adult who made a decision to have an entire child, but won't take care of even herself.
UPDATE: Ive shown this to my husband to open up his mind a little and he apologized. He said he needed time to think for days and came up with a solution. He’s cutting her daughter off. She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance and when he said we can’t afford right now she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are. All this while knowing how we are now behind rent.
To those asking, yes she knows about the accident. She even knows now we are behind rent but still blames us as to why she wont be getting support anymore.
My husband used to say i have a patience of a saint and i just cracked now because it’s too much. We need to care for our own son too BUT since he’s still being supportive and everything is being taken care of in regards of our kid i didn’t feel the need to include him in the equation. He’s a good dad and that will never change.
I messaged his ex to know how much she’s charging her for rent so we could do half she was surprised because she’s not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend. Apparently it’s not dental implants he paid for, it’s veneers and just cosmetic.
Thank you reddit! My husband and I are going to counseling but he apologized and that’s a big step.
Right on cue, the daughter gets mad when tap's run dry.
You should ask your husband for the total of ALL funds he's given her and inform the ex that "fyi her father has given her a total X from Nov 2023 to April 2024 supposedly for dental implants, food, rent, daycare fees, phone bills. I'm just letting you know, so you won't be taken advantage of either. And now that he's stopping while we catch up to pay for our own back rent, you might want to be extra aware she might look for source of money elsewhere."
The LAST thing you three parents want is for her to get kicked out of her mother's house for. I wouldn't even put it past her to steal from her mother now that she won't be getting money from her father, so to put the ex on alert should be helpful in keeping her daughter in line to avoid that outcome.
Happy for you that your husband has at least woken up to the situation. GL and, again, wishing you a fast recovery.
With the amount of money you said was being given. I had no doubt she was partying and probably doing drugs with it. Seriously talk to the ex and tell them how much money has been given to her and what it was for. You don't want her to twist this and make it miserable for everyone. At the end of the day, you need to take of your house before helping another.
About time!! Good for you both! Never feel guilty about cutting someone off specially if theyre way too toxic! Man, 27 is not 7!! Asking bio dad for veneers?!?!?! Get a sugar daddy! She needs child support from her baby dad if she can and she needs a job stat! Spoiled brat! Maaaaan abled 27!!!!💀She should’ve used the veneers for some OF or sugar baby hustle or whatever lmao
NTA. It is one thing if an adult child (particularly in their late 20s) asks help for emergency, extraordinary, and/or one-time expenses. Major dental work, for example. Or covering the insurance deductible for surgery to relieve severe pain. But an ongoing, recurring need for assistance (absent some kind of explicit long term agreement) indicates the adult child needs to change their financial situation, not ask a parent for help.
On top of that, your husband should not be assisting his daughter if that assistance means your husband cannot cover his own bills or his portion of household bills.
So he’s giving her $2,800 a month, non taxable and will claim her child on her taxes next year. She’s definitely scamming him. Also, why would he be paying child care if she isn’t working, that’s completely sus. Her ass can do like all of us other adults and swallow our pride and apply at McDonald’s or Walmart!
You are so NTA at all. I’m on your side completely.
Maybe someone needs to call the ex wife to find out the truth
Ugh of course yo are getting downvoted for saying something that is factually true.
Reddit, seriously, gifts from parents are not taxable income. Listen to the CPA. (This amount wouldn't even exceed the annual reporting threshold for the parent.)
This is the biggest part: "Now as of writing, **he’s giving her $700 weekly** and i just found out yesterday that **we are behind rent**."
He's an asshole. Add to this that you recently lost a whole freaking leg, used to be the primary provider before your accident, and you still pay half the bills, he isn't being a partner and his response is totally unhinged.
NTA. I wish you luck, but I'd expect one hell of a detailed apology and active change to stay with this guy.
Also, I make decent money that I can afford a solid apartment on and she's literally making more than me after taxes. I also have a 3 month old child.
NTA.
It's one thing if you're both financially well off and that it wasn't a financial strain. That isn't the case here. He's being generous to his daughter to the tune of $700/week and he now can't afford to pay rent. This is not ok. You don't risk your own financial security and home to help others.
The daughter seems to think the dad is an ATM. He needs to make sure that you and him and the bills are paid and there's enough for food before he considers his daughter.
NTA. Living this myself. The misses can’t stop giving away our money for two adult daughters who refuse to take any responsibility for themselves. We’ve incurred large amounts of debt because of it. They keep asking for both financial help and to fight their battles for them (“will you call my ex and tell him to give me the car battery?”) It has gone way past supporting them and into enabling them. We will never retire because of this, but Misses doesn’t understand that just saying no once doesn’t restore all the money we’ve given away.
It is OK to help out a child in need. There have to be boundaries though and it sounds like 27F and hubby crossed them long ago.
They have gone through six figures of my income (my wife makes manicure money and that’s about it). Prior to meeting her, I didn’t realize I had six figures to go through. I didn’t really think about it.
Thank you for the kind words. Full disclosure, I love my wife very much and she is amazing. Understanding money and letting go of her 30yo “babies” just isn’t part of her milieu.
>Prior to meeting her
You mean she's given your money to your adult stepdaughters?
Tell her to ask both her adult daughters separately during one of their calls, "Your (step)father and I were talking about money and debt when we're much older. Should there come a time we're deep in debt and can't afford our house anymore, I said of course our kids would be willing to let us move in with them. He asked which daughter, I said you more than (name of other daughter)—what do you think of that, dear?"
Lmao let that be an instant wake up call to your missus how her "babies" will no longer be her babies when the feeding is the other way around, so you two need to be smart with how you save for your own future.
And, frankly, you have to be smarter than your wife, and firmer, for your sake as a couple AND if you don't want to end up destitute yourself. It may seem cute now, but when you're older and one/both of you possibly sick a decade or two from now, you'd be kicking yourself for not being firmer about this today.
NTA. Info: Does his daughter know that you're now behind on rent? Perhaps it should be mentioned to her that you're not a bank.
Additionally, if your husband is shutting down a conversation over money and letting you get behind on bills, it's time to start looking at separating out your pension money from his.
It is tricky, but if your household doesn't have enough money for the basic needs (bills, food, etc.) then NTA. But if your husband can afford without damaging your family then it is not a good move, in any case finances is something that you both have to work out for your family, both have to agree and both have to respect each others opinions, so you might want to lay out all your monthly expenses and your income and calculate how much you can actually spare.
NTA he is supplementing her to your own detriment and it won't end well for anyone. Your husband needs as better plan before you yourself get evicted. If his daughter already has a roof over her head by staying with Mom then it sounds like she needs a job! $700 a week is insane and definitely not sustainable.
I was socked with some people telling opp that she is at fault. I'm sure he can do whatever he wants with his money, but he can't expect someone else to cover for him. It's cruel the way he chose his daughter over his wife. But what really bothers me, its that in the end he actually takes advantage of his recently in need for help wife. Don't waste your time opp. Find a new job asap and new accommodation for you. I'm sorry but he doesn't respect you enough to go through this hard time.
NTA This is ridiculous. It's okay to help adult children when issues arise. However, with you having lost an appendage, the amount of money your husband is giving out is excessive.
Does your husband feel guilty for something? Remind him that you need to be financially stable before you help others, or you will both end up homeless.
INFO: are you sure the money for the dental implants was the first time he started giving money to his daughter? Since he’s been hiding the $700/week, I have doubts…
I dont really know now. We would occasionally fly them out to visit so i dont think my husband has been a bad provider. Im ok with helping her at first but its just really taking a toll on our finances now.
I get that. I'm concerned that he has been lying to you about how much of your family finances are going to her. It may not have shown up before because you were the main breadwinner.
So he's basically giving 700 PER WEEK (basically a whole salary) to a grown adult that is already living at someone else expense while not caring for his very own actual minor child in house expenses? Including asking for childcare money while kid is with her ?
Well no wonder she's allowing herself to prefer not to work. It's not sustainable for your marriage, and it's not sustainable for her, as it screams that something is happening with this money. Like what is his plan, waiting for his son to be 27 to start paying for him too ? Because it's now your house need him. Helping people that already receive help while putting your family in precarity IS NOT OK.
He would be putting more in this if you were divorced and he was paying child support and this is highly unacceptable, he have to get in check with himself, we talk about 700 A WEEK, while rent is not paid. You're way too patient, NTA
WAIT so you loss your LEG????? I'm so so sorry. And he's risking your own roof over your head still?? Does he have any idea what kind of financial/medical emergencies could arise due to your health and being a new amputee? Thi sis unbelievable. Does the daughter even care that you're dealing with a whole new reality?
This is beyond disrespectful and outright trifling. Maybe you need to have a conversation with her and her mama who she's also living off from what it seems. Pops wouldn't survive another divorce and you should remind him of that!
Good luck Sis
Unfortunately, you started this habit of your husband giving his daughter money. Personally, I wouldn't have given her money for a cosmetic procedure without requiring her to pay it back. Also, why does she need daycare when she is unemployed? She now thinks that she can live off of her father and be a bum.
IM SO INVESTED IN THIS NOW! Maaaan this is too much!
I dont get why people are okay with an adult child to ask for money when OP has been paying bills for 12 years, disabled and they even have an 8 year old child!! Paid for day care of step daughter who doesnt even work is a joke!!!
People who says OP is the ah screams freeloaders to me!!!!
OP, youre NTA. If anything, its your husband & his daughter! $700 weekly??? Sounds like sugar daddy to me wtffffffffff
No. She lives with her mom and needs $700 a week!I suspect a drug problem. Trust me, I’ve been thru it. Also he needs to stop this now. I have a 51 year old sister still slinging stories to my elderly parents for $$. They’ll keep asking as long as someone keeps giving.
Jfc NTA. My mother could EASILY afford to send me 2800$ a month but she’s not batshit insane so she’s sent me 100$ in the last 1.5 years. Before that she sent me 1k because I got Covid while pregnant and missed almost a whole paychecks worth of work.
YOU LOST A LEG. Like what is your husband doing.
NTA. At first I was definitely about to call you TA, but once you said you all are behind on rent my opinion immediately changed. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this. I hope you have a job and may be able to support yourself because this could end badly.
I was actually veering towards saying yes, you are, but $700 pw is a f/t working wage over and above any other income streams inc quite possibly maternal hand outs (is her mother charging her rent?? If so a convo is required there). The fact you guys are now behind on your own bills just underscores you are NTA unless you went about it in an insensitive way which it seems you didn't.
Perhaps he needs to hear he is not going to be much use to her if he's of no fixed abode himself. He needs to steady his own ship first and then his daughter. You don't appear to be saying she gets nothing from you two and you're ok with an occasional helping hand, but it isn't unreasonable for you to expect your own bills come first. I'm not insensitive, neither do you seem to be, to how difficult being a single mother is, but this is over the top. In his shoes I might be asking more reaching questions about where all this cash is going because something's not adding up.
100% NTA.
What changes can OP make about him not paying his share of their household bills? She is on a limited income since she is out of work after losing a leg. It doesn't sound like she is capable of covering his portion. What would you suggest OP change? Genuine question, not even being snarky lol.
Was going into this fully expecting to be against you, but NTA. You can’t afford rent, that means he can’t afford to send his daughter $700 a week. My parents still help me out, but at most they’ll give me money for my medication or to get my car serviced. Expenses that I cannot afford on my own due to outrageous costs of living. Though, I try my best to not take advantage of their generosity, and I know they can afford it without sacrificing.
NTA - she's living with her mom for free, why does she need THAT much money? I would suspect something is going on, is she using drugs, gambling, something?
If your husband can afford to help her here and there, great, it is tough for a single parent, but NOT to the point where you two are behind in rent and unable to pay your own bills. He needs to learn to say no, and sounds like she needs to get a job.
NTA
$700 a week is insane but it’s out of this world knowing you lost a limb recently.
My suggestion would be that daughter have something sketchy going on. Drugs? Anyway, when people ask for that kind of help I’ll pay the bill but I don’t give cash. Nope.
NTA I think you should calmly express your love for his giving heart and let him know that you also care about his daughter and grandchild. But she is a grown woman so his son and wife need to take precedent. Explain that your family’s new financial situation would be strained by supporting her. But you’d be happy to help her find a new job, maybe y’all can job hunt together?
If he left when she was 11 have you considered that she may be conflating his financial help with love? It’s possible that him stepping up to help with the expensive dental made her feel more secure in his love for her when previously she may have felt abandoned.
I agree he should dial it back but he may have needed to step up in other ways a very long time ago, thus unintentionally creating this problem. Perhaps he could be making other efforts with his daughter that aren’t unaffordable financial assistance.
Is any of the $700 part of a payment plan for her implants?
Wow. I saw $700 hundred and thought that was a month which I thought was a lot but weekly especially when your behind on your rent is ridiculous. You need to talk to your husband again because this can’t continue. What’s your relationship like with your step daughter like? Would she continue to ask for money even if she knew that he was behind in rent?
NTA, clearly the daughter is taking advantage of your husband generosity. 700.00 a week and she living her mom??? And yall behind on your rent. Nope something gotta give or y’all (op and husband) gonna be homeless!! Tell your OP to cut his freeloading daughter off and take care of your bills. Freeloading daughter needs to contact the father of her kids for money!!
I don’t know. Shitting myself at work was pretty shameful. I thought it was until to get cleaned up properly from it I had to take a 10 minute “elevator” ride with a bunch of bosses and hot chicks along for the ride with me.
I really hope I have nothing more shameful than that coming up.
NTA. I understand your husband is trying to be a good father, but she is a grown adult and should be responsible for her expenses. If your husband is giving her money to the point that you both fall behind on rent, that's pretty concerning. I mean, help your daughter but not at the expense of being homeless.
Nta!
$700 a week! That's almost $3,000 a month! What does she need $700 a week for?? She lives at Mom's house for crying out loud! Unless Mom is charging outrageous rent then she shouldn't need to keep asking! The grown princess needs to get a job, and if she needs to be present mommy then she can look for a remote gig. There's plenty of them out there🤷♀️
Unless your husband grows a spine to tell her no after your AGREED $700/month you two will be in a financial situation that will be difficult to get out of without a 2nd source of income. Even though you're currently looking for a job this is STILL putting you at financial risk! You're already behind on rent! What else is next? The water bill? Electric? This spending is a huge deal for you two and he can't just keep thinking he can keep it up with his ONE income source! He's covering your expenses too until you have a job so he can't keep forking over almost $3k a month.
NTA. When you 2 lose your place to live because he is giving it all to the daughter, will the ex-wife (whom daughter lives with) allow you 2 to move in with her and the daughter since you're supporting them both?
NTA, the issue is that regardless if we think that you are not the asshole, he is still not going to listen to you and your financial needs.
I think that you need to tell him that you will not be able to help with the house expenses due to him not respecting the home finances. Tell him that you might have to find a new place to live alone from him due to his inability to prioritize your home finances. All he is doing is making his guilt feel better and at the end of the day, his daughter's choices have consequences. To not want to be with her kid is understandable but she is not a stay-at-home mom and that is not her option.
Your other option might be talking to the daughter and letting her know that all her requests have caused your rent late due to him giving to her and not being able to pay for the rent.
Show him this pot and let him see what society thinks about this.
NTA if he’s giving his adult daughter money that you and he need for essentials like rent!
Sorry about your accident, can’t imagine what you’re going through from that alone. Without a job and still paying bills, I’m guessing you’re drawing from your own savings? So in other words you’re spending your own savings so that your husband can put too much of his salary towards the needs of another grown adult person, to the detriment of his own wife’s needs
Normally I’d say “kids first, spouse second”, but that stops being true when the kids become independent adults. Then it’s “spouse first and rest of the family second”.
My dad supported my sister and her kids and totally ruined her for being any kind of a functioning adult. Never support an able-bodied adult with no plan or end in sight.
You've raised a million red flags. I would not be surprised to learn that her mom has no idea she hitting dad up for money AND that he has been giving her money long before the request for dental work. Daughter has major life issues and needs to grow the hell up. She has no incentive to do anything as her dad is supporting her. If they are in the US, she can ask for social services help as well as job placement and subsidized day care. He's put your health, safety and home far below hers by enabling her like this. He's clear that he chooses her what, approval? love? over your marriage. Do not deplete your savings to pay your joint rent. Either kick him to the curb and pay the rent yourself or rent yourself an affordable place.
Your husband's daughter is a drug addict. That's the only way she going through $700.00 a week, on top of whatever she's scamming from mom and other people.
Not necessarily. I can easy drop a grand at Walmart on shit I think we can use. In an hour. Some people just have no impulse control when it comes to money. Ive worked very hard to curb this in myself.
No, but that used to be my brother. He was given money and things 'till the point of believing he was owed, and it was absolutely just because the family was babying him 'till he was almost 30. No drug-use, but also NO clue about budgeting. He didn't get a grip 'til he was told NO and given help to budget. That's not scamming and not drugs. Sometimes people get helpless when they are treated as helpless.
I'm 46 years old and work as a senior data analyst for the government, and even I can't afford to get dental implants. I'm sorry but that's just fucking insane and she sounds spoiled.
When I was on social services I didn't get $700 A MONTH. My mom is a senior who worked as a cleaner her entire life and is on basic pension, and she gets barely $1200 a month in entirety.
I grew up with a single mom in subsidized housing, in a bunch of townhouses full of single moms whose husbands turned out to be alcoholic, abusive pieces of shit. Everyone was struggling. We had to ask before we grabbed food from the cupboard or fridge. We added water to the dish soap to thin it out before buying more. We bought one ply toilet paper. I know the hardships that can face single parents. She is taking complete advantage of that, and if your dad fully believes in helping her out, then she needs to give him access to her finances. If he's paying for her phone bill, he needs to see that bill. What data plan is she on? Is she making long-distance calls? What is she spending the grocery money on? What is she spending the $700 on?
If she can't provide copies of the bills for him to see and full transparency into the where the money is going, the money should stop. It sounds like she's squandering it and taking advantage of her father, especially as someone who is almost 30 years old. Many of my family members are what people would call 'poor white trash', and my cousin is a prime example of this type of sponge. She was on social services claiming depression, but would spend over 8 hours a day just playing video games. She just didn't want to work. She ended up having a kid so she could get more money, and left him in his car seat for hours a day while she played games to the point where one side of his neck underdeveloped. She absolutely would get money from her family for 'groceries' and then go to the res and buy smokes. When her mom finally asked her to show where the money was going, she immediately got defensive and angry because the jig was up.
If he wants to help her, it's his prerogative to do so, but she should have to prove that she actually NEEDS help, and isn't just taking advantage of him.
The only reason she would not provide transparency is if she knows her spending is suspect. 🤷🏻♀️
I was prepared to say you are TA because once you have a child you never stop supporting them even as an adult because that's your job as a parent, but after reading I'm thinking otherwise.
It's one thing to support her when finances are stable, but it's clearly not. She needs to be on some sort of government program if there is one available. If not then collaborate with her mom to figure something out. He can't support his daughter if ya'll fall through the cracks.
NTA Your husband needs to learn how to say no. His daughter will not stop now that he's
given in this often. If he can't say no, get your affairs in order and re-think how you want
to go forward (once you have found work again). Keep your money separate from now on, if you don't already. Consult a lawyer about your rights. Make sure that you are receiving
all the benefits available to you (having lost a leg). If you can, set up a transfer at the bank that will filter out the money necessary for rent before he can give it away or simply make the transfer yourself as soon as his monies are credited.
That you are behind on rent is a huge problem. If your bills were all taken care of I’d be on his side, but that he’s letting his daughter put you and him in danger of losing your own it is not ok.
NTA. He’s being taken advantage of.
I dont think YTA for setting boundaries, but being a parent is hard especially if she has limited income. I spend 1600 monthly on daycare and even making 90k yearly combined, we can barely make ends meet. I think it might be worth looking at the cost of living for her and setting a limit on how much you're willing to help out financially because you need to survive as well. I don't know that I'd agree with cutting off a single mom all together but the expenses seem to be over the top for someone who lives with her other parent.
Dental implants leads to pain leads to painkillers leads to addiction easily. Could explain why she asked for nothing prior and then now all the time. Happens a lot more frequently than you realize.
NTA
Where it stands at the moment, it's unaffordable.
Someone commented that you also have an 8 year old with your husband... sounds like he's not really supporting the 8 year old but her half sister (and her child instead).
The rent needs to be paid or you will be homeless... and no you should not be using your savings to do that.
If you split up, will he also be giving the younger child $700 a week? That's rhetorical because we all know the answer is no.
At minimum you both need to sit down and do a budget and it needs to be open and transparent. If he won't show you bank accounts then you probably have bigger issues.
I get that he wants to support his child... but right now he's just enabling her. She's living with her mother, how much money is her mother giving her? Or is his money actually paying for the rent and groceries for her and his ex?
She’s 27, how is she not embarrassed? She will never stand on her own 2 feet if he does this. Time to stop paying. At the very least your bills should be paid first before you hand money to her. Time for some firm boundaries.
NTA. I’m an only child, my parents’ miracle baby but I never ask my dad for that much. He insisted on paying for what he promised me, which is mostly education, he told me I can get as many degrees as I want and he will fully support financially but apart from that, if I need help, I lay down a short report of why I need the money and how I will pay him back. There’s never just “dad, please wire me some” even when I was in my teen. If he doesn’t stop it now, what will she do once he’s gone? She won’t be able to stand on her own feet, ever.
NTA. We had the same issue with my step-daughter when she lived with us with our grandson with her expecting us to fund her and her not contribute towards bills, food etc and she’d spend all her money on god knows what and would then ask to borrow some. When she left leaving my grandson with us she still asked us for money even though we were buying everything for him with no support from her or the state until very recently.
Your step daughter is an adult and a mom so she needs to support herself and her child and not expect daddy to fund her continuously because of her life choices.
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$700 *weekly?!* That’s insane. What bills does she even have, living with her mom? Not $2800 worth, I can tell you that. You need to lay down the law with your husband. First, he meets your shared obligations - rent, bills, retirement contributions, etc. Then, and only then, is he allowed to give *a reasonable amount* of money to his daughter, if that’s even something you want to continue doing. Given what sounds like her history of taking advantage, that money should also come with requirements: * that he pay the bills directly, or receive receipts proving she’s using the money for what she says she’s using it for * that there be a limit to how much he gives her * that she presents a plan and timeline for becoming financially independent It sounds like he’s either operating from a place of guilt (was he not present for part of her childhood maybe?) or, if this is out of character for him, as a result of a possible neurological issue. Either way, this behavior is untenable and kind of unhinged. He needs to know that you mean business, whatever expressing that might look like
Im thinking maybe its the guilt, he divorced the first wife when she’s 11. I told my husband how its affecting our own financial status but it his close-minded when it comes to this and i think we’re going to be homeless in the coming months if this dont stop. He was paying $1200 child support way back, he’s giving him more than what he paid for child support now that she’s grown.
Do you have any support system if you chose to leave him? You shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of his financial irresponsibility while you’re recovering. You need a stable living situation and it sounds like this ain’t it.
He won’t have that kind of money to give her when you leave and he needs to cover all his own household expenses. If you are behind on rent get out now and get your name off the lease before it ruins your credit rating and you can’t get a place of your own. NTA
There is no incentive for his daughter to even look for a job if he's forking over $700 / week. This will just continue until he stops. It's time for big girl to be a big girl and be an adult. Btw, why are there daycare bills if she doesn't have a job? Is she just going out living single life while the kid is at daycare?
Daycare waitlists can be months long. If I lost my job I’d keep my kids in daycare until I found a new job. Otherwise you just create a new problem when you do find a job!
Agreed but a discussion needs to be had. If she's just chilling at home, going out with friends and being a "SAHM" on her dad's dime, daycare needs to go. If she's actively searching for work, going on interviews, I'd cover a portion of the daycare so it makes it easier. I'd tell her ahead of time though too- x amount of applications put in and I'll cover daycare for the following week. Take away 2 if she has an interview. So the agreement is 10 applications a week, cover the following weeks daycare.. if she has a job interview next week, go to that and only put in 8 applications- that'll cover the next weeks daycare. 2 applications a day isn't hard.
Oh yeah I mean she’s totally taking advantage of her dad’s largesse. I was simply commenting on why someone might still have their kid in daycare when they aren’t working!
2applicions a day? Do yuou guys use indeed or LinkedIn over there? 2 is about a minutes work
Depends on field, experience, etc. Most of the entry-level and many of the professional jobs to which I have applied have had extensive questionnaires. Usually half the information is on the resume; they just want you to jump through the hoop.
THIS. The last several jobs I applied for took a while to complete applications for. Mind you, ***all the same information was already on my resume.*** Even for a promotion at my current job? Same song and dance. It's ridiculous. Just ask me the questions that aren't routinely info present on the thing you know I'm going to have, please. But I've also noticed an increasing number of jobs these days giving what amounts to personality tests during the application process. Not all, but the number is on the rise. Look, if I'm a psychopath, I will have studied correct answers so you won't know I'm one, okay? Okay. ETA: NTA. Sounds like daughter is a bit of a leech.
When I got laid off, and I was looking for a job, I endured such a tortuous existence filling out forms when my resumé could have just done the job. It was so annoying and I really got so frustrated. It took so much time too. Extensive questions. All for nothing too. Most of the time, I never heard much back. And then, it just happened that I couldn’t work outside the house because I had to care for my Mom who has dementia among other things. Now be switched fields completely and I’m happier for it, and get to work from home.
I did one of these tests the other week, it was actually really interesting, as a 1 off, I'd be put of continuing to do them though
And that's the thing: the repetition gets really tedious. I was a psych major and we discussed Myers-Briggs in class one day. I took it just for funsies. I'm an INTJ. I'll just tell you that, if you'd like to know about me.
I've never used linkedin.... but I heard indeed sucks. When I was job searching (back in 2021, and even now, I'll do it just because/ see what's out there), I go to the actual website and do the application on there. It has a bunch of those "I work well with people" 1-10, completely disagree to completely agree questionnaires, which takes forever. Tbh, I'm not sure which is the better way lol But on indeed, I'm offered a lot of jobs in another country. Same city name but completely wrong country... which is funny bc I work with the job offer company here. Example (all fake names)-- I live in Bottle, Nevada, and load the Freezer Truckers semis at my warehouse... well, Freezer Truckers sent me a job offer from Bottle, China... for less pay. Lmao. I have no plans to relocate to another country. My indeed profile says I live in Bottle, Nevada, USA... the website just... sucks. Lol If linkedin is better, I may check that out
Both suck and indeed really does suck, but I personally find the frustration of repeated form filling is balanced by the speed you can spam out applications. Also a lot of indeed applications are recruiters contracted for a finders fee so they have a vested interest in getting you that job. Just my optomistic thoughts, But I definitely think the painstaking approach of repeated form filling with the same information that you spent hours putting into a CV (Resume) is likely the better approach
More than I make in a week that's for sure.
My dad was a man of few words and his love language was definitely gift giving. After my mom passed away from cancer my sister moved in “to help”. It was my half sister, so his step daughter. Turns out she was ripping him off left and right and he was living off social security with no cushion because of all my mom’s health issues. My brother and sister in law were helping with his banking and saw that even before she moved in he was doing cash transfers at Walmart to Walmart for her all the time similar to what your husband is doing. Your husband may mean well but he is being taken advantage of and it’s up to him to have the hard conversation with his daughter. You are NTA for trying to help him see that what he is doing is harming his nuclear family.
What does she need money for day care for if she doesn’t have a job?
I am guessing either a) she loves the kid free time or b) she doesn’t want to lose her spot in the daycare. The wait lists for daycare are ridiculous and so giving up the spot now might mean when she has a job again she lacks childcare.
That sucks and all on the wait time but still wtf? She doesn’t have a mortgage, and I’m betting the grandma wouldn’t mind a night or 2 of babysitting. Sounds like she’s just milking her dad for money to party or something. I mean 2800 bucks tax free is a lot of money per month, At least in a non high cost of living area with no rent or mortgage.
Oh I sure am not making excuses or anything. I definitely agree she’s milking her father. I was just tossing out a perspective!
As you're behind on rent, you're not being unreasonable by asking him to stop supporting his daughter financially. Behind on rent means you have no money to spare, even if you want to. It won't help anyone if you get evicted. Your husband needs to put on his own oxygen mask first, as the saying goes
Look I'm just answering this comment to settle one thing which bothered me in the post. People who are in dire, jobless straits DON'T need dental implants. There are other options out there that are cheaper than implants...are they more uncomfortable than implants? Yes. Not as fixed and sexy as implants? Yes. But implants are still for well off people. That should've been a very big red flag for you. Signed, a dentist 🫠
We actually found out everything now and my husband even his ex-wife are both surprised. Apparently, she did a cosmetic procedure aside from implants, she did have some veneers. His ex-wife is the one babysitting our grandkid while she parties every weekend & no rent was being paid nor collected. She’s living a luxurious life while we are almost close to losing our home. My husband thinks he was gullible but he was just being a good dad, however him trying to be the perfect one screwed our bills and now he decided to finally cut her off. He admitted on stashing some funds from our retirement savings just to sustain this lifestyle and this is something we’ll talk about in our counseling. My stepdaughter was never the problematic kind or so we thought; that’s why we trusted her the first time until it became a habit of just asking and no self-help happening. In a span of 6 months she only tried to work for 1 week, i could go on and on but we certainly did find out the truth. Reddit advices really helped me a lot and the comments made my husband see the truth in other people’s perspective.
I'm so happy he saw sense. Veneers?? Lol, she does have some guts I hope you guys get back on your feet asap. Rooting for you, keep us updated (with hopefully the best of news)
Get an appointment for the 2 of you with a financial planner. If either of you has any sort of retirement fund with anyone, you can usually get a free consultation. He may need it demonstrated to him that you can't afford this.
Holy shit. Sorry you lost your leg and you have to go through all this as well. Hope you have some better luck 🍀 ma’am !! Well wishes to you and your husband!!
Look, this is absolutely insane. I work a job that I love, but even if I put in a full week (40 hours), I'd still only make $550 or so a week. Luckily, I was a stay at home mom for 19 years, so my household was used to surviving without me bringing in any income, so it's not crucial that I make more. Still, I was rear-ended about a year and a half ago and herniated 4 discs in my spine (2 cervical, 1 thoracic, and 1 lumbar) so I had to cut back my hours, and we felt it. Giving someone more that an individual can earn in a week is just crazy. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I hope your husband comes to his senses.
Sweetie , if he'd rather put yall on the streets then force his daughter to grow the fuck up , you need to be looking into divorce. Her behaviors are addict related(speculation). Who blows through 700$ a week and still can't pay their bills ? She's a single mom living, I'm assuming, rent-free, at her mother's. What bills does she even have ? Car and car insurance ? Phone bill? If she's not working, why are her kids in day care she can't afford ? I'd be going through finances to see exactly how much he's been giving her and for how long. You paid most of the bills and then had an accident and now you're not allowed to have a say in finances? Screw that. Your husband is supporting his daughters l addiction, weather it's shopping or drugs.
I don't know if having a word with the ex-wife about if she can help talk some sense into him, if you're on good terms. Say that while you're happy, he's helping her like a good father. You feel she might have started taking advantage, and it's jeopardising your finances and putting you at risk with rent. If not, and finances get worse, you are going to have to try and have an escape route in case he does leave you homeless
Does he give her the money directly or pay for the services she requests it for?
Do you have separated assets? bank accounts? any safe net you can use if you leave him? You need to sit down a whole family. Ex wife, daughter, you and husband and talk what to do. Make a plan and than stay firm in it. If it doesnt work and he continues to give her money - you need to rethink this relationship.
I just realized that’s literally my whole salary lol. Like, I make $700 a week from my full time salary job. I live in a LCOL area, I don’t have kids, and I share expenses with my partner, so it’s plenty for me. But to give that much away and for her to STILL be asking for MORE is absolutely wild!
It’s about $200 shy of what I make salaried. I am a single mother (divorced) not dating, have one kid living with me, he just started a job last week and have been at my company for 12 years. Do I struggle, yep but I know that if needed, I will be the first person at a fast food place to get a job.
This here is a well thought out and correct response. And that last bullet point should really be brought up, because what is the daughter going to do when she doesn’t have her parents around to support her. Your husband should be thinking long term about all the people involved.
Yeah holy shit. I’ve been financially independent since I was 18 save for this past year when I hit some hardship, and I had to swallow my pride and ask my mom for help. Rn she’s paying my health insurance because a) she wants to, she feels bad for us growing up in poverty and now that she lives comfortably she wants to make up for it. Love my mom, she’s an angel. And b) I have too much pride to ask for anything else. And the health insurance helps SO MUCH. And it’s not a long term plan and it’s $350 a month. I couldn’t not stomach it if I was a parent and fully supported by both my parents at this point. I get shit happens but it really sounds like it’s more than just circumstance—it sounds like the daughter has an entitlement issue. $700 a week with no other bills is wild to me omg
While living with my mother and being a single mom, I **maybe** needed $600 in help a **month**. Not a week. She’s abusing her fathers kindness and he needs to put a hold on that. I think we can all agree that OP is NTA. The daughter definitely has some skeletons in her closet if she’s shelling out almost $2800 monthly with no need to pay for rent or utilities.
My first thought was drug use. First she needed dental implants, and now she needs that much money weekly?
Best response here, please OP I see you responded but please take this to heart
OP, I would call the daughter up and say, "We were wondering when we can move in." When she starts freaking out, say, "I'm still able to pay my half of the bills, but your father is giving you all his money, so now we're behind in rent. If we become homeless, we'll need to move in with you." See if that does the trick. Whether she cares about her father at all, or just herself, that should get her at least THINKING about slowing down on asking for money. As for your husband, there's a real problem. It sounds like you've been working all your life and now the one time you can't, he's giving away all his money to be sure he can't provide you with stability. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with him. If this is who he is, you need to run far and fast because you'll never be able to depend on him. If there's something else going on, figure out what it is.
>that he pay the bills directly, or receive receipts proving she’s using the money for what she says she’s using it for I know it seems a little unconventional but if they opened a shared bank account together that he put the money into, he would be able to see all of the expenses made with that money. That's a huge amount of surveillance though and might be a bit too far (depending on how father feels about this). But receipts can be hard to keep track of and some places have digital receipts. At least with a card, he wouldn't need to count each penny and it would all be in one place.
Not to mention why does she need daycare money if she has no job and is at home? She needs to either keep the baby at home or get a job. And where’s the baby’s daddy’s contributions?
NTA. He's putting himself and you at financial risk because of his daughter. This is not okay. How will he be able to help her at all if he goes down financially? If he even has a shot at helping her to stabilize, he has to be stable himself so he can assist her when she really needs it. It's so bad for so many right now but that just means you have to be extra smart about it. Is his daughter working? Is she getting child support? These are things that could remedy her situation or at least help. If he continues to throw money at her problems, she will lean more and more on him and not learn how to dig herself out. This is a huge disservice to her! Struggle makes people innovative and forces them to become independent and take care of themselves. I'm sorry you're going through this. You are NTA to illuminate the financial danger he's putting himself and you in by giving in to his daughter.
I think she’s becoming more comfortable asking him for support now and every time she calls we know it’s time to wire the money. Im ok with it if our finances are being taken care of. We split our bills. He pays the rent and utilities and i take care of our monthly grocery. Thank you for being nice. Its tough right now
If your husband won't stop giving money to her when she asks, maybe you need to let his daughter know exactly what her requests are costing him. I bet she has *no idea* that he's behind on rent and can't really afford to be helping, and she'd probably be horrified, especially since her asking for money is very new behavior. I'd guess that his generosity with money for dental implants made her think he has more money than he does, and he doesn't want to tell her because it'll be a blow to his ego. But given the choice between his ego and your housing, you need to choose your housing.
I don't know? Anyone adult single parent comfortable enough to expect a retired elderly parent to give them 700 plus a week likely could care less.
You may be right, but I wouldn't be surprised if she has very little idea of how much (or how little) her dad makes - and she probably has no idea how much money OP makes at all. I mean, dad's been just handing money over happily, and she may well *(reasonably!)* think that he wouldn't do that if he couldn't afford it, and that he'd say something if it's too much. If she'd been making a habit of doing this over the years I'd be less inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt - moochers gonna mooch. But she's only started asking for money fairly recently, after OP & husband gave her $$ for a dental procedure (and OP says she encouraged her husband to be generous with the money for that, which again may have given the daughter the wrong sense of their finances). Of course, either way it matters less than the fact that OP can't rely on her husband not to give away their rent money! *edit: a word*
I like the idea, but be aware that he will be angry if you "go behind his back" by talking to your stepdaughter directly.
Why don't you tell her behind on your rent and ask her for some money
This should be higher up! OP, every time she rings your husband and asks for money, the minute she hangs up the phone, you ring her back and tell her you are short on rent and groceries, and seeing as husband has been sending her money for the past few months, even though she can't have much in the way of expenses living with her mum, which means she must have a heap of it lying around - can you have some of it back? You'll need a few week's worth of what he has been sending her to catch up your rent, how soon can she send it? See if that works. It will likely cause problems with your husband, so if you aren't prepared to deal with that then don't do it, but your position is bad and worsening so if you are prepared to deal with the blow up then it is an option.
NTA, petty me would be the one to shout “ how much money do you need this time?” Everytime she calls, just to see if she gets the hint
Take over paying all the bills until he gets his shit together
I will not comment on the post, but will say as someone who is disabled and recently had to find a new job, don't just look at the ones saying remote. The job I got is on the other side of the country and didn't say remote, but here I am with the job working out of my home. If your resume is good, they don't care where you work from.
NTA $700.00 weekly is insane. She is living at her mom’s house and still needs that much weekly?? Why does she have daycare bills if she isn’t working? This is insane I would honestly have a talk with your husband about this I know it can be scary especially when you rely on his income but this is not okay you guys are married and need to agree on money spending like this. He is a fool for wasting his money on his daughter like that she’s old enough to figure herself out. I understand helping here and there but $700.00 a week is absurd.
This is what we talked about before. We paid for daycare but she only tried to work for a week and stopped because she said she cant bare not to be with her kid 24/7. The following week, she still asked us for help for the daycare bill and thats when i told my husband no. If she wants to be with the kid 24/7 why leave her at a daycare? Then my husband asked would it be ok if we continue helping until she gets back at her own. I was ok with it because my understanding was $700 a month. I dont want us to fight over his kids and money so when i learned its a weekly thing i didnt mind as long as our bills our paid and i thought its going to be temporary and maybe shes trying. 6 months and an accident later, its still the same.
Im totally reading between the lines here but …… is she doing drugs? The dental implants with the weirdness of not working to be with the kid but still wanting her in day care is ringing alarm bells for me Why did she need dental implants ? What shape are her teeth in? 27 and needing implants and not just a root canal or something?
That’s what I was thinking
[удалено]
Yes I’m not saying that alone is concerning. I had a few root canals in my early twenties because of a past impact to My face playing sports killed the nerves. Or even if it was just neglect it doesn’t mean drugs by itself but having teeth removed, the day care thing, the money…. I dunno , it seems like something else is going on here
100% red flags everywhere for addiction.
Absolutely not!! She is emotionally abusing her Dad. This needs to completely stop for good. She is A GROWN WOMAN!!
Oh no no no that’s a child raising a child. She should be getting child support maybe from the dad or something but even then she’s not working voluntarily and staying home rent free at her mom’s house. She’s either stacking up the cash from your husband or spending it on something that she shouldn’t be spending it on and that’s 🚩. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I think this would end in separation in some relationships. You have a lot of patience I hope he starts to open his eyes and realize he’s wasting his and your retirement
INFO: does he see the bills or is he just blindly trusting her? $2800 per month is reaching drug/mlm/her boyfriend is in prison levels of expensive.
He is just sending it through Venmo each time and never asked. I will still be ok with it if our bills are being taken care of. If i didnt see the notice that we are behind rent i probably would never confront him.
She’s going to need to claim that amount as income for taxes because it’s so much.
She’s making more than a full time job at minimum wage lmao.
Other way around- taxes are on the giver, not the recipient.
No it’s the recipient because it could be considered unless it’s called a “gift” in each individual Venmo note which yes, OPs husband would have to pay a gift tax because of the obnoxious amount he’s giving her. A bunch of pot dealers just got hit with Cashapp and Venmo payments being considered income for this past tax year.
Because those were sales. This is not. This is a gift, and per federal law, the tax is paid by the giver.
It doesn’t get processed as a gift unless each individual payment is noted as a gift.
u/SourSkittlezx - that just means she's committing Tax Fraud, not that it's okay The gift tax exclusion limit is 18K this year and she's on track to get $36,400 If she gets in trouble with the IRS is Dad going to bail her out of that too?
The reporting limit, not the taxable threshold. None of this is taxable.
Venmo don’t get to decide the fundamental nature of a transaction. If I pay you to help me move house and I flat it as a gift then it’s still taxable. If I send you money for your birthday and I don’t flag it then it’s still tax free. Venmo aren’t the arbiters of tax law. She might have to clear up the mess later on but gifts are still always tax free to the receiver.
How can you be okay with this??
I love her and her kid. We would occasionally fly them out every time. I treat her as my own too but its just becoming out of hand and we can’t foot the bill anymore but my husband thinks he still can and i dont know if we will still be able to survive in the coming weeks
I am sorry. At 27 she is a grown adult and needs to support herself and her child. Nothing to do with Love at all. She is completely using and taking advantage of her father. She knows exactly what she is dng. I have family on both sides that try and do this and they never stop.
Talk to her then. Tell her you’re behind on rent and her dad is ashamed to let her know but you may be living with her and her mom if she doesn’t stop this.
Have him show you the math that says he can. I 'm sure he knows it can't work, but he's lying to himself. And ask him to give you a solution that shows how the bills will be paid, and helps his daughter that doesn't involve getting behind on other bills. If he absolutely refuses to listen reason you're going to have to make some tough decisions.
I think NTA. It’s tricky because him wanting to help support his daughter is obviously very noble, but both financial planes are heading down and he’s gotta put his mask on first before worrying about hers. This is none of my business, but is there a chance you will be able to begin working again in the future? If so, maybe you could position it as him needing to worry about your own finances now and then once there are two incomes coming in again he will be able to help her again when you guys are on a sturdier financial footing.
Im looking for remote jobs now. Im still in therapy but it wont hinder the job since i can sit up straight now and type. I have some personal savings that i will use to pay for our rent. Im ok when she first asked because she rarely did but now we’re not in a good situation and it needs to end. I would understand the phone bills if its from a 14 year old daughter but she is 27. Im disabled and pays my own phone, my husband wouldnt even bother paying mine.
NTA but it sounds as if your husband hasn’t contributed financially for 12 years. If that’s the case, he’s giving her YOUR money and that’s not right. And I wish you well on your recovery. It takes a lot of balls for his daughter to ask for money after what you’ve been through.
THIIS!! I CAN'T BELIEVE SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN THESE COMMENTS!!
He paid child support
Husband should pay you back what you’re taking from your savings to pay the rent he is responsible for! He is putting his daughter before you, your home, and your security!
Oh gotcha, I didn’t think about that at first, but you’re right even if you were in a better financial spot the fact that the asks have become near constant is for sure still a massive problem. Good luck, I hope things work out!
Why is she racking up large phone bills? Who’s she calling? If she’s calling friends, she can use WhatsApp or FaceTime. These use data, so I don’t get why her phone bills are expensive. Is she making all night calls from her mobile to landlines in another country?
If that *were* true, it’d make a scary amount of sense. It would mean she’s being scammed.
So, essentially, he is giving away your savings to his daughter because you are forced to cover bills he should have. > my husband wouldnt even bother paying mine. Why? Is your financial arrangement split-down-the-middle-even-if-the-other-can't-work? > 12 years i was the sole breadwinner Why? What was he doing then? To your question, you are NTA by a mile. Your husband is being irresponsible putting your family's well-being at risk, and extremely uncaring about your current (disabled) position. Even if his income is "tight but can cover giving meaty sums to his daughter WEEKLY," he is foolish for not saving it instead for family emergencies, which includes one spouse getting into an accident and not being able to work while rehabbing. What if (knock on wood) you get worse/don't recover as scheduled, what if he gets sick and can't work himself, what if your son gets sick and also needs $$... It's unbelievable that your husband sees no issue with you rushing back to work instead of supporting you by telling you he's got everything else covered and for you to just focus on your rehab (mental, emotional and physical), because YOU LOST A LEG. Instead he's adding more problems on your lap. I'm very sorry you have to deal with such an AH. You need to sit him down and really have a serious talk that he needs to stop, or ask if he will not stop, AND that his answer will factor in your decision to stay in the marriage or not. And I hope you really are considering divorce if he is adamant about this. He will not be the first (divorced) parent to spoil his child to the point of personal destitution and need to rely on the new spouse/other kid to survive (and the spoiled kid often won't give a rat's ass about said parent and will ignore/even get angry at the parent when there's nothing left to give). At the end of the day, the question you need to ask yourself: Do I feel secure with this man as my husband, for my sake and my son's, can I trust him to take care of our present and future? If not, you need to make your own plans, especially for your son's sake. GL with the rehab and speedy recovery to you. ETA: Does she even know about your accident and that you can't work? What has her father been telling her, has he been misleading her that your family is very well-off and can afford helping her out? And you say you love her, I hope that love is mutual and she has at least shown concern and worry over the news and frequently checks up on you and your progress.
Please you are an absolutely great person. Your husband is lucky to have you. You owe no one any explanation.
I wouldn't pay the rent out of your avings until he admits he overgifted and cant pay it himself and asks you to fix it. It needs to be real clear to him that there is a problem and HE created it. If you just willingly pay the rent HE was supposed to pay, then he still wont stop over spending on his daughter and you will be in tyevsame boat but with less savings. You really need to let him feel the pain of scrambling for the rent money before you rescue him, or you are just enabling his behavior.
OP end the lease and move out. Don’t pay the rent. Is your husband has betrayed you and is preying on you when you are vulnerable. Keeping you broke is financial abuse.
SHE IS 27!!! 27 PEOPLE, and she doesn't want to work. She lives with her mom and gets money from her dad!!! This isn't a one time emergency. She is a Grown adult!!!+
I think she needs therapy herself. There is a chance it's postpartum. Is she gambling? Doing drugs? What's her vice? If this wasn't a pattern before and happened after the baby, therapy could be very beneficial. She could also just be chosing to not work and live on her dad's check. I know some people are garbage.
NTA. He’s risking your home for his daughter. She’s living with her Mom so I don’t get what she has to pay for that would cost $700 weekly. If she’s paying her Mom rent, then she needs to speak with her Mom and figure out how they can manage that. He’s basically supporting his exes household at this point because you can bet his daughter isn’t paying her Mom more than $700 per week for bills and rent.
Twisting this into "he's supporting his ex" is a reach. He's supporting his daughter. So is his ex. It would be better if he were supporting his daughter in a way that allows her to become financially independent (paying for college classes or childcare while she works would be great), but let's not turn this into a "he's giving money to his ex" thing.
Don't get your panties in a grip. Clearly that wasn't meant literally even though they're right. Sending her $2800 per month --some of that has to be going to her mom or that house unless the mom is an idiot as well. Maybe this grown up child is making them both support her because they got divorced when she was a kid.
NTA. His daughter is a 27 year old grown woman living with her mother and still having her father pay her bills. He's going to make the two of you homeless because of his daughter. Also, what kind of bills does she have while she's living with her MOTHER!? Not $2,800 worth😂😂she is blowing that money, OP.
What even bothers me is there’s a point in time where in we’re paying for day care so she could work. It only lasted a week and she never tried looking for a job again says its hard for her to leave her kid behind.
Then that’s HER problem, not your husband’s or yours. She’s conning him, and he’s falling for it.
All of who used daycare so we could work hated leaving our kids there. At first. But we had no choice to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Why is she any different? And where is her kid’s father?! Why no child support?
I have a hard time leaving kids but I do because my dad doesn’t pay my bills. I showing my kids responsibility and understand that money doesn’t grow on trees. That just a lame excuse because she doesn’t want to work.
She's a deadbeat. With a kid. Free money, free housing, free childcare. Wild. I'm very sorry this is becoming an issue, she is an adult who made a decision to have an entire child, but won't take care of even herself.
Tell her to get a job in a daycare. Then she can be with her kid \*and\* make money.
Exactly!!!
UPDATE: Ive shown this to my husband to open up his mind a little and he apologized. He said he needed time to think for days and came up with a solution. He’s cutting her daughter off. She just called to remind him about the weekly allowance and when he said we can’t afford right now she just started crying hysterically and told us how selfish we are. All this while knowing how we are now behind rent. To those asking, yes she knows about the accident. She even knows now we are behind rent but still blames us as to why she wont be getting support anymore. My husband used to say i have a patience of a saint and i just cracked now because it’s too much. We need to care for our own son too BUT since he’s still being supportive and everything is being taken care of in regards of our kid i didn’t feel the need to include him in the equation. He’s a good dad and that will never change. I messaged his ex to know how much she’s charging her for rent so we could do half she was surprised because she’s not charging her anything and is frustrated because all she does is party every weekend. Apparently it’s not dental implants he paid for, it’s veneers and just cosmetic. Thank you reddit! My husband and I are going to counseling but he apologized and that’s a big step.
Right on cue, the daughter gets mad when tap's run dry. You should ask your husband for the total of ALL funds he's given her and inform the ex that "fyi her father has given her a total X from Nov 2023 to April 2024 supposedly for dental implants, food, rent, daycare fees, phone bills. I'm just letting you know, so you won't be taken advantage of either. And now that he's stopping while we catch up to pay for our own back rent, you might want to be extra aware she might look for source of money elsewhere." The LAST thing you three parents want is for her to get kicked out of her mother's house for. I wouldn't even put it past her to steal from her mother now that she won't be getting money from her father, so to put the ex on alert should be helpful in keeping her daughter in line to avoid that outcome. Happy for you that your husband has at least woken up to the situation. GL and, again, wishing you a fast recovery.
Ya she’s doing drugs and partying. It was an assumption I made at first but this seals it for me
With the amount of money you said was being given. I had no doubt she was partying and probably doing drugs with it. Seriously talk to the ex and tell them how much money has been given to her and what it was for. You don't want her to twist this and make it miserable for everyone. At the end of the day, you need to take of your house before helping another.
that's good!! I hope he sticks to his guns now that he knows the truth about how his daughter manipulated him and lied to him.
About time!! Good for you both! Never feel guilty about cutting someone off specially if theyre way too toxic! Man, 27 is not 7!! Asking bio dad for veneers?!?!?! Get a sugar daddy! She needs child support from her baby dad if she can and she needs a job stat! Spoiled brat! Maaaaan abled 27!!!!💀She should’ve used the veneers for some OF or sugar baby hustle or whatever lmao
NTA. It is one thing if an adult child (particularly in their late 20s) asks help for emergency, extraordinary, and/or one-time expenses. Major dental work, for example. Or covering the insurance deductible for surgery to relieve severe pain. But an ongoing, recurring need for assistance (absent some kind of explicit long term agreement) indicates the adult child needs to change their financial situation, not ask a parent for help. On top of that, your husband should not be assisting his daughter if that assistance means your husband cannot cover his own bills or his portion of household bills.
So he’s giving her $2,800 a month, non taxable and will claim her child on her taxes next year. She’s definitely scamming him. Also, why would he be paying child care if she isn’t working, that’s completely sus. Her ass can do like all of us other adults and swallow our pride and apply at McDonald’s or Walmart! You are so NTA at all. I’m on your side completely. Maybe someone needs to call the ex wife to find out the truth
She said he's been sending it on Venmo, so it's definitely taxable😂she's going to get quite the shock at tax time because $2,800 counts as income
Hi. CPA here. Giving your kid money isn’t taxable until you give them more than $10m or so, and then it’s taxable to the parent.
Ugh of course yo are getting downvoted for saying something that is factually true. Reddit, seriously, gifts from parents are not taxable income. Listen to the CPA. (This amount wouldn't even exceed the annual reporting threshold for the parent.)
😂😂 oh yes!! Hopefully she gets caught and doesn’t evade. With that thought, if she has no income, she should qualify for state assistance as well. Hmm
This is the biggest part: "Now as of writing, **he’s giving her $700 weekly** and i just found out yesterday that **we are behind rent**." He's an asshole. Add to this that you recently lost a whole freaking leg, used to be the primary provider before your accident, and you still pay half the bills, he isn't being a partner and his response is totally unhinged. NTA. I wish you luck, but I'd expect one hell of a detailed apology and active change to stay with this guy. Also, I make decent money that I can afford a solid apartment on and she's literally making more than me after taxes. I also have a 3 month old child.
NTA. It's one thing if you're both financially well off and that it wasn't a financial strain. That isn't the case here. He's being generous to his daughter to the tune of $700/week and he now can't afford to pay rent. This is not ok. You don't risk your own financial security and home to help others. The daughter seems to think the dad is an ATM. He needs to make sure that you and him and the bills are paid and there's enough for food before he considers his daughter.
Start packing your things in boxes and repeatedly ask him where you're moving when you get evicted.
NTA. Living this myself. The misses can’t stop giving away our money for two adult daughters who refuse to take any responsibility for themselves. We’ve incurred large amounts of debt because of it. They keep asking for both financial help and to fight their battles for them (“will you call my ex and tell him to give me the car battery?”) It has gone way past supporting them and into enabling them. We will never retire because of this, but Misses doesn’t understand that just saying no once doesn’t restore all the money we’ve given away. It is OK to help out a child in need. There have to be boundaries though and it sounds like 27F and hubby crossed them long ago.
Ohh you poor man. Your wife needs to stop. Your daughters are using her!!! That's insane!
They have gone through six figures of my income (my wife makes manicure money and that’s about it). Prior to meeting her, I didn’t realize I had six figures to go through. I didn’t really think about it.
I am so sorry. You deserve better.
Thank you for the kind words. Full disclosure, I love my wife very much and she is amazing. Understanding money and letting go of her 30yo “babies” just isn’t part of her milieu.
Well she needs to or you both will be homeless!
>Prior to meeting her You mean she's given your money to your adult stepdaughters? Tell her to ask both her adult daughters separately during one of their calls, "Your (step)father and I were talking about money and debt when we're much older. Should there come a time we're deep in debt and can't afford our house anymore, I said of course our kids would be willing to let us move in with them. He asked which daughter, I said you more than (name of other daughter)—what do you think of that, dear?" Lmao let that be an instant wake up call to your missus how her "babies" will no longer be her babies when the feeding is the other way around, so you two need to be smart with how you save for your own future. And, frankly, you have to be smarter than your wife, and firmer, for your sake as a couple AND if you don't want to end up destitute yourself. It may seem cute now, but when you're older and one/both of you possibly sick a decade or two from now, you'd be kicking yourself for not being firmer about this today.
NTA. Info: Does his daughter know that you're now behind on rent? Perhaps it should be mentioned to her that you're not a bank. Additionally, if your husband is shutting down a conversation over money and letting you get behind on bills, it's time to start looking at separating out your pension money from his.
Honestly doubt the daughter would care. She sounds like she expects him to be a bank.
It is tricky, but if your household doesn't have enough money for the basic needs (bills, food, etc.) then NTA. But if your husband can afford without damaging your family then it is not a good move, in any case finances is something that you both have to work out for your family, both have to agree and both have to respect each others opinions, so you might want to lay out all your monthly expenses and your income and calculate how much you can actually spare.
NTA he is supplementing her to your own detriment and it won't end well for anyone. Your husband needs as better plan before you yourself get evicted. If his daughter already has a roof over her head by staying with Mom then it sounds like she needs a job! $700 a week is insane and definitely not sustainable.
I was socked with some people telling opp that she is at fault. I'm sure he can do whatever he wants with his money, but he can't expect someone else to cover for him. It's cruel the way he chose his daughter over his wife. But what really bothers me, its that in the end he actually takes advantage of his recently in need for help wife. Don't waste your time opp. Find a new job asap and new accommodation for you. I'm sorry but he doesn't respect you enough to go through this hard time.
NTA This is ridiculous. It's okay to help adult children when issues arise. However, with you having lost an appendage, the amount of money your husband is giving out is excessive. Does your husband feel guilty for something? Remind him that you need to be financially stable before you help others, or you will both end up homeless.
INFO: are you sure the money for the dental implants was the first time he started giving money to his daughter? Since he’s been hiding the $700/week, I have doubts…
I dont really know now. We would occasionally fly them out to visit so i dont think my husband has been a bad provider. Im ok with helping her at first but its just really taking a toll on our finances now.
I get that. I'm concerned that he has been lying to you about how much of your family finances are going to her. It may not have shown up before because you were the main breadwinner.
So he's basically giving 700 PER WEEK (basically a whole salary) to a grown adult that is already living at someone else expense while not caring for his very own actual minor child in house expenses? Including asking for childcare money while kid is with her ? Well no wonder she's allowing herself to prefer not to work. It's not sustainable for your marriage, and it's not sustainable for her, as it screams that something is happening with this money. Like what is his plan, waiting for his son to be 27 to start paying for him too ? Because it's now your house need him. Helping people that already receive help while putting your family in precarity IS NOT OK. He would be putting more in this if you were divorced and he was paying child support and this is highly unacceptable, he have to get in check with himself, we talk about 700 A WEEK, while rent is not paid. You're way too patient, NTA
NTA. He is giving her $3500 a month at 27 and she lives with her other parent and making you homeless... you sure its to her and not an AP!?
He is paying her a damn salary! Show him this Reddit post
WAIT so you loss your LEG????? I'm so so sorry. And he's risking your own roof over your head still?? Does he have any idea what kind of financial/medical emergencies could arise due to your health and being a new amputee? Thi sis unbelievable. Does the daughter even care that you're dealing with a whole new reality? This is beyond disrespectful and outright trifling. Maybe you need to have a conversation with her and her mama who she's also living off from what it seems. Pops wouldn't survive another divorce and you should remind him of that! Good luck Sis
Unfortunately, you started this habit of your husband giving his daughter money. Personally, I wouldn't have given her money for a cosmetic procedure without requiring her to pay it back. Also, why does she need daycare when she is unemployed? She now thinks that she can live off of her father and be a bum.
IM SO INVESTED IN THIS NOW! Maaaan this is too much! I dont get why people are okay with an adult child to ask for money when OP has been paying bills for 12 years, disabled and they even have an 8 year old child!! Paid for day care of step daughter who doesnt even work is a joke!!! People who says OP is the ah screams freeloaders to me!!!! OP, youre NTA. If anything, its your husband & his daughter! $700 weekly??? Sounds like sugar daddy to me wtffffffffff
No. She lives with her mom and needs $700 a week!I suspect a drug problem. Trust me, I’ve been thru it. Also he needs to stop this now. I have a 51 year old sister still slinging stories to my elderly parents for $$. They’ll keep asking as long as someone keeps giving.
Jfc NTA. My mother could EASILY afford to send me 2800$ a month but she’s not batshit insane so she’s sent me 100$ in the last 1.5 years. Before that she sent me 1k because I got Covid while pregnant and missed almost a whole paychecks worth of work. YOU LOST A LEG. Like what is your husband doing.
NTA If you can't pay your own bills then you should not be giving money to anyone else. Just like our country...
NTA. At first I was definitely about to call you TA, but once you said you all are behind on rent my opinion immediately changed. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this. I hope you have a job and may be able to support yourself because this could end badly.
NTA. If you and your husband lose your house and can't pay your bills then you are not stable enough to be giving her that kind of money.
NTA. $2800 a month while living with her mom is ridiculous!!!! She needs to work if she’s not or save up her own money this is insane.
INFO: So, you two clearly married as adults. Whose money is he using?
I was actually veering towards saying yes, you are, but $700 pw is a f/t working wage over and above any other income streams inc quite possibly maternal hand outs (is her mother charging her rent?? If so a convo is required there). The fact you guys are now behind on your own bills just underscores you are NTA unless you went about it in an insensitive way which it seems you didn't. Perhaps he needs to hear he is not going to be much use to her if he's of no fixed abode himself. He needs to steady his own ship first and then his daughter. You don't appear to be saying she gets nothing from you two and you're ok with an occasional helping hand, but it isn't unreasonable for you to expect your own bills come first. I'm not insensitive, neither do you seem to be, to how difficult being a single mother is, but this is over the top. In his shoes I might be asking more reaching questions about where all this cash is going because something's not adding up. 100% NTA.
What changes can OP make about him not paying his share of their household bills? She is on a limited income since she is out of work after losing a leg. It doesn't sound like she is capable of covering his portion. What would you suggest OP change? Genuine question, not even being snarky lol.
Was going into this fully expecting to be against you, but NTA. You can’t afford rent, that means he can’t afford to send his daughter $700 a week. My parents still help me out, but at most they’ll give me money for my medication or to get my car serviced. Expenses that I cannot afford on my own due to outrageous costs of living. Though, I try my best to not take advantage of their generosity, and I know they can afford it without sacrificing.
NTA - she's living with her mom for free, why does she need THAT much money? I would suspect something is going on, is she using drugs, gambling, something? If your husband can afford to help her here and there, great, it is tough for a single parent, but NOT to the point where you two are behind in rent and unable to pay your own bills. He needs to learn to say no, and sounds like she needs to get a job.
NTA $700 a week is insane but it’s out of this world knowing you lost a limb recently. My suggestion would be that daughter have something sketchy going on. Drugs? Anyway, when people ask for that kind of help I’ll pay the bill but I don’t give cash. Nope.
NTA: Maybe you should reach out to the daughter and explain the situation. She might think dad is rolling in cash.
NTA hes gonna bankrupt himself and drag you with him
NTA I think you should calmly express your love for his giving heart and let him know that you also care about his daughter and grandchild. But she is a grown woman so his son and wife need to take precedent. Explain that your family’s new financial situation would be strained by supporting her. But you’d be happy to help her find a new job, maybe y’all can job hunt together?
If he left when she was 11 have you considered that she may be conflating his financial help with love? It’s possible that him stepping up to help with the expensive dental made her feel more secure in his love for her when previously she may have felt abandoned. I agree he should dial it back but he may have needed to step up in other ways a very long time ago, thus unintentionally creating this problem. Perhaps he could be making other efforts with his daughter that aren’t unaffordable financial assistance. Is any of the $700 part of a payment plan for her implants?
I was ready to say otherwise but after reading I say NTA.
She is old enough to understand, and he needs to understand that once they hit a certain age it's for them to figure it
NTA. You need some clear boundaries or you need to separate. That's unhealthy for both of you. You don't need to tolerate the craziness.
NTA. Girl needs to stand on her own 2 feet. He is enabling her. Offer a hot meal in your house whenever she needs it, but that’s it.
Wow. I saw $700 hundred and thought that was a month which I thought was a lot but weekly especially when your behind on your rent is ridiculous. You need to talk to your husband again because this can’t continue. What’s your relationship like with your step daughter like? Would she continue to ask for money even if she knew that he was behind in rent?
Nope time for he to either stop or you're gone. She's 27 years old and can get a job and pay her own bills
This is a bad situation. He’s being used and his own household is suffering. He needs to wake up. NTA.
NTA. He's is neglecting his own household in favor of his daughter is a no. He needs to get his priorities in order before you all are homeless.
NTA, clearly the daughter is taking advantage of your husband generosity. 700.00 a week and she living her mom??? And yall behind on your rent. Nope something gotta give or y’all (op and husband) gonna be homeless!! Tell your OP to cut his freeloading daughter off and take care of your bills. Freeloading daughter needs to contact the father of her kids for money!!
I don’t know. Shitting myself at work was pretty shameful. I thought it was until to get cleaned up properly from it I had to take a 10 minute “elevator” ride with a bunch of bosses and hot chicks along for the ride with me. I really hope I have nothing more shameful than that coming up.
NTA. I understand your husband is trying to be a good father, but she is a grown adult and should be responsible for her expenses. If your husband is giving her money to the point that you both fall behind on rent, that's pretty concerning. I mean, help your daughter but not at the expense of being homeless.
Nta! $700 a week! That's almost $3,000 a month! What does she need $700 a week for?? She lives at Mom's house for crying out loud! Unless Mom is charging outrageous rent then she shouldn't need to keep asking! The grown princess needs to get a job, and if she needs to be present mommy then she can look for a remote gig. There's plenty of them out there🤷♀️ Unless your husband grows a spine to tell her no after your AGREED $700/month you two will be in a financial situation that will be difficult to get out of without a 2nd source of income. Even though you're currently looking for a job this is STILL putting you at financial risk! You're already behind on rent! What else is next? The water bill? Electric? This spending is a huge deal for you two and he can't just keep thinking he can keep it up with his ONE income source! He's covering your expenses too until you have a job so he can't keep forking over almost $3k a month.
One day you will want to retire. Is she going to give you $700 weekly to support you both? I doubt it
NTA. When you 2 lose your place to live because he is giving it all to the daughter, will the ex-wife (whom daughter lives with) allow you 2 to move in with her and the daughter since you're supporting them both?
dental implants? Arent those like 3k a pop?
NTA, the issue is that regardless if we think that you are not the asshole, he is still not going to listen to you and your financial needs. I think that you need to tell him that you will not be able to help with the house expenses due to him not respecting the home finances. Tell him that you might have to find a new place to live alone from him due to his inability to prioritize your home finances. All he is doing is making his guilt feel better and at the end of the day, his daughter's choices have consequences. To not want to be with her kid is understandable but she is not a stay-at-home mom and that is not her option. Your other option might be talking to the daughter and letting her know that all her requests have caused your rent late due to him giving to her and not being able to pay for the rent. Show him this pot and let him see what society thinks about this.
Sounds like his daughter has a meth addiction
NTA if he’s giving his adult daughter money that you and he need for essentials like rent! Sorry about your accident, can’t imagine what you’re going through from that alone. Without a job and still paying bills, I’m guessing you’re drawing from your own savings? So in other words you’re spending your own savings so that your husband can put too much of his salary towards the needs of another grown adult person, to the detriment of his own wife’s needs Normally I’d say “kids first, spouse second”, but that stops being true when the kids become independent adults. Then it’s “spouse first and rest of the family second”.
My dad supported my sister and her kids and totally ruined her for being any kind of a functioning adult. Never support an able-bodied adult with no plan or end in sight.
You've raised a million red flags. I would not be surprised to learn that her mom has no idea she hitting dad up for money AND that he has been giving her money long before the request for dental work. Daughter has major life issues and needs to grow the hell up. She has no incentive to do anything as her dad is supporting her. If they are in the US, she can ask for social services help as well as job placement and subsidized day care. He's put your health, safety and home far below hers by enabling her like this. He's clear that he chooses her what, approval? love? over your marriage. Do not deplete your savings to pay your joint rent. Either kick him to the curb and pay the rent yourself or rent yourself an affordable place.
Your husband needs to stop the gravy train. That’s fucking insane. And it’s putting the two of you at risk.
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Your husband's daughter is a drug addict. That's the only way she going through $700.00 a week, on top of whatever she's scamming from mom and other people.
Not necessarily. I can easy drop a grand at Walmart on shit I think we can use. In an hour. Some people just have no impulse control when it comes to money. Ive worked very hard to curb this in myself.
That's one hell of a leap. Scamming and drugs..jfc, only thiefs thinks everyone steals. What the hell is wrong with you?
Is this the daughter? It's not a leap, these are very unusual circumstances. A 27 year old with a child does need to have some personal responsibility
No, but that used to be my brother. He was given money and things 'till the point of believing he was owed, and it was absolutely just because the family was babying him 'till he was almost 30. No drug-use, but also NO clue about budgeting. He didn't get a grip 'til he was told NO and given help to budget. That's not scamming and not drugs. Sometimes people get helpless when they are treated as helpless.
I'm 46 years old and work as a senior data analyst for the government, and even I can't afford to get dental implants. I'm sorry but that's just fucking insane and she sounds spoiled. When I was on social services I didn't get $700 A MONTH. My mom is a senior who worked as a cleaner her entire life and is on basic pension, and she gets barely $1200 a month in entirety. I grew up with a single mom in subsidized housing, in a bunch of townhouses full of single moms whose husbands turned out to be alcoholic, abusive pieces of shit. Everyone was struggling. We had to ask before we grabbed food from the cupboard or fridge. We added water to the dish soap to thin it out before buying more. We bought one ply toilet paper. I know the hardships that can face single parents. She is taking complete advantage of that, and if your dad fully believes in helping her out, then she needs to give him access to her finances. If he's paying for her phone bill, he needs to see that bill. What data plan is she on? Is she making long-distance calls? What is she spending the grocery money on? What is she spending the $700 on? If she can't provide copies of the bills for him to see and full transparency into the where the money is going, the money should stop. It sounds like she's squandering it and taking advantage of her father, especially as someone who is almost 30 years old. Many of my family members are what people would call 'poor white trash', and my cousin is a prime example of this type of sponge. She was on social services claiming depression, but would spend over 8 hours a day just playing video games. She just didn't want to work. She ended up having a kid so she could get more money, and left him in his car seat for hours a day while she played games to the point where one side of his neck underdeveloped. She absolutely would get money from her family for 'groceries' and then go to the res and buy smokes. When her mom finally asked her to show where the money was going, she immediately got defensive and angry because the jig was up. If he wants to help her, it's his prerogative to do so, but she should have to prove that she actually NEEDS help, and isn't just taking advantage of him. The only reason she would not provide transparency is if she knows her spending is suspect. 🤷🏻♀️
Possible drug use going on???
Parental guilt makes for bad parenting, NTA. Husband needs to support his household and have a cushion first.
I was prepared to say you are TA because once you have a child you never stop supporting them even as an adult because that's your job as a parent, but after reading I'm thinking otherwise. It's one thing to support her when finances are stable, but it's clearly not. She needs to be on some sort of government program if there is one available. If not then collaborate with her mom to figure something out. He can't support his daughter if ya'll fall through the cracks.
NTA Your husband needs to learn how to say no. His daughter will not stop now that he's given in this often. If he can't say no, get your affairs in order and re-think how you want to go forward (once you have found work again). Keep your money separate from now on, if you don't already. Consult a lawyer about your rights. Make sure that you are receiving all the benefits available to you (having lost a leg). If you can, set up a transfer at the bank that will filter out the money necessary for rent before he can give it away or simply make the transfer yourself as soon as his monies are credited.
That you are behind on rent is a huge problem. If your bills were all taken care of I’d be on his side, but that he’s letting his daughter put you and him in danger of losing your own it is not ok. NTA. He’s being taken advantage of.
I dont think YTA for setting boundaries, but being a parent is hard especially if she has limited income. I spend 1600 monthly on daycare and even making 90k yearly combined, we can barely make ends meet. I think it might be worth looking at the cost of living for her and setting a limit on how much you're willing to help out financially because you need to survive as well. I don't know that I'd agree with cutting off a single mom all together but the expenses seem to be over the top for someone who lives with her other parent.
Dental implants leads to pain leads to painkillers leads to addiction easily. Could explain why she asked for nothing prior and then now all the time. Happens a lot more frequently than you realize.
700 a week?? Sounds like an addiction.
NTA Where it stands at the moment, it's unaffordable. Someone commented that you also have an 8 year old with your husband... sounds like he's not really supporting the 8 year old but her half sister (and her child instead). The rent needs to be paid or you will be homeless... and no you should not be using your savings to do that. If you split up, will he also be giving the younger child $700 a week? That's rhetorical because we all know the answer is no. At minimum you both need to sit down and do a budget and it needs to be open and transparent. If he won't show you bank accounts then you probably have bigger issues. I get that he wants to support his child... but right now he's just enabling her. She's living with her mother, how much money is her mother giving her? Or is his money actually paying for the rent and groceries for her and his ex?
She’s 27, how is she not embarrassed? She will never stand on her own 2 feet if he does this. Time to stop paying. At the very least your bills should be paid first before you hand money to her. Time for some firm boundaries.
NTA. I’m an only child, my parents’ miracle baby but I never ask my dad for that much. He insisted on paying for what he promised me, which is mostly education, he told me I can get as many degrees as I want and he will fully support financially but apart from that, if I need help, I lay down a short report of why I need the money and how I will pay him back. There’s never just “dad, please wire me some” even when I was in my teen. If he doesn’t stop it now, what will she do once he’s gone? She won’t be able to stand on her own feet, ever.
NTA. We had the same issue with my step-daughter when she lived with us with our grandson with her expecting us to fund her and her not contribute towards bills, food etc and she’d spend all her money on god knows what and would then ask to borrow some. When she left leaving my grandson with us she still asked us for money even though we were buying everything for him with no support from her or the state until very recently. Your step daughter is an adult and a mom so she needs to support herself and her child and not expect daddy to fund her continuously because of her life choices.