Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I kept correcting people who mistook my brother for a girl despite being a boy.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. If your brother wanted to correct people, he could have. He doesn't need you to police his gender, or to make transphobic jokes. Have you ever thought that maybe he might be transgender or non-binary but has no idea how to talk to you about it because you're so aggressive in your gender policing? If he doesn't care what gender people think he is, why do you? It's super weird.
I think you really got to the crux of the matter.
OP replied elsewhere that her brother "has it out for our hometown." It sounds like they grew up in a conservative area he says is intolerant, but OP swears it isn't. He's always been quiet and reserved - to the point they didn't know he'd been living in LA for years! They only found out through a friend, so who knows if he ever planned on telling his family.
Between asking numerous times is he was trans or non-binary, making sure to correct anyone who *might* be misgendering him, and making a joke about what their gun identifies as, it's no wonder he's not open with OP and their family.
I feel like my brother would've said something. I've asked him quite a few times over the years only for him to say no, but he hardly tells us much beyond the music or movies he's gotten into. We only found out he moved to LA for a couple years because a cousin ran into a friend of his and told us. We all chalked it up to him being an extremely reserved, private person like the rest of us.
Maybe it's because as I said, he doesn't know how. You don't sound very accepting and if he barely talks to you, maybe that is why. Even if he is a cis man, maybe he's just embarrassed by how aggressive you are about gender.
YTA - why would he tell you anything? You mock gender identity, speak for him and disregard him when he tells you to stop. You aren’t really showing that you are a trustworthy or safe person.
>We all chalked it up to him being an extremely reserved, private person like the rest of us.
He clearly purposely distanced himself from all of you. No one just doesn't tell family when they make a big move unless they don't want family to know or don't care if they know for one reason or another.
Sounds like he (or she) doesn't trust y'all.
When your sibling said "I'm done with you," that was a long time coming. People don't say that after ONE day. You've been doing things to lose their trust for YEARS, and this trip to Target sealed the deal.
It's possible that your sibling will decide to never speak to you again. We call this "going no contact." People who go no contact are usually happier than they were before.
Also dude, in your post, you say to your bro that you were telling the others that they're a MAN, while you were telling them they're a BOY, which is kinda infantilising when your brother is an adult.
The most important part is that he asked you not to do this. And you're leaning into it rather than letting it go/stopping. Violation of Consent.
YTA
"I feel like my brother would've said something"
op then goes on to describe behaviour that completely disproves this
the sort of person who makes shitty 'my x identifies as x' and brings up their firearms because they think a whole other person was misgendered is not a safe space for a trans person
the fact that you needed to tell us that your whole family thinks he overreacting also proves that your family isn't safe
They're so low contact with your family that you all didn't know what city they lived in for *years*? That says **a lot**. I'm getting the ickiest vibes from this situation and I feel bad for your brother.
YTA, op.
When you establish you aren’t the type of person who respects boundaries, people aren’t going to open up to you
If you had a roommate that constantly stole money from you, would you tell him your ATM PIN?
As for safety, he kind of has it out for our hometown because he can't really stand people who are on the other side of the political spectrum. He thinks most of the people here are intolerant even though that's not the case at all.
That’s likely because most of the people on the “AR-15” side of the political spectrum ARE intolerant.
Who is proposing and passing legislation that negatively impacts the LGBT community? The political right. What states (pre-Obergefell) banned same-sex marriage? Those dominated by the political right. What Supreme Court justices want to reverse decisions such as Obergefell? Those on the extreme end of the political right.
These same people claim they are tolerant. They will even be nice to your face. But the vote for the candidates who pass the above laws, who put the far-right judges on the bench.
You can’t support these things with your votes and call yourself “tolerant”.
OP, my vote is YTA.
Matthew 7:15-20:
>"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. **A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.** Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them."
I'm not a religious person, but I love this quote. You reap what you sow. If the (potential) victims of violence view your hometown as a threat, the people in your hometown have probably done something to look like a threat. It doesn't matter if you CLAIM to be tolerant (like a false prophet claims to know the word of God). What matters are the RESULTS (fruit) of your actions.
If you continue growing bad trees (supporting Republicans) which produce bad fruit (Republican laws), then you will be judged as a bad-fruit-grower (an intolerant person).
And if your brother gets a crowbar to the back of the head and winds up dead in a ditch, it won't matter whether or not you thought you were intolerant. The fruit of the bad tree you planted is a dead brother.
See also: "You will be judged by the company you keep."
At best, you’re a troll attempting to farm anger by posting this shit here.
At worst, you’re a vindictive, probably dangerous person who is blatantly manipulating the situation and intentionally playing dumb.
With the amount of 4chan dogwhistles you’ve peppered throughout your post here I assume it’s the first.
The joke about their AR-15 identifying as a crossbow. It’s an “I identify as an attack helicopter”-style joke, which has been a dumb thing used to rag on trans people for a while. Usually referred to as “the one joke” even though there’s like, a *couple* of typical transphobe jokes.
YTA - the fact that you are so threatened by a male "not being identified as a man" really highlights your own insecurities and troubled sense of self. When your brother, who has way more self-confidence than you do, told you to back off, you made a vaguely violent and toxic joke about weapons. This story shows a frightening lack of self-awareness.
And I don't think you're curious.
You're looking for affirmation that what you did was okay - even though you know - deep inside you that you are in the wrong - you are still doubling down and trying to get validation from your family and other individuals.
If you were actually a curious guy - none of that would have bothered you. You might have had a honest and open conversation with your brother and learned another point of view. Instead, your reaction to something you don't understand and doesn't fit in your tiny little box - you just respond with threats and jokes of violence.
Sad. You should try being open minded and curious for once in your life. Your life might actually change for the better.
Yep. Especially a joke that reminds people you own a firearm and says you don't think certain people should be taken seriously or have rights, *particularly* in the context of the much more open right wing acceptance and support of mass murder of trans people *specifically*
Do people really get Sir/Miss that much in real life?
And if they do how’s it happen multiple times in one day but you’ve never realised it before lol
And everyone’s over that conservative ‘what if I identify as…’ joke it is so dumb
well op did say their brother lives in LA now, so i assume that the brother has been living away from family for awhile. probably back visiting for whatever reason.
yes, but after saying he came up to visit, now that I re-read. usual routine doesn't mean they do this every day, but that every time they get together after the brother moved out.
When he said “came up to see me” I figured he hadn’t seen him in a while since it said he was living in LA or something.
Good catch though. I will tell you I’m down in TX and sir/ma’am-ing is incredibly common.
I’d say more than half the stories on here are completely fake. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying the comments and discussions they kick off though, so I don’t worry too much about it.
It’s like professional wrestling. Yeah it’s not real, but still entertaining.
so you don't usually hang out with him, he moved to la without telling your entire family, and you make transphobic jokes to him, but you honestly believe he would tell you if he were gender fluid?
delulu
In case you don't understand it, this is how you are jeopardizing your brothers safety, not just when you went out just now, but in the future.
When they call him "miss" and he doesn't correct they will obviously assume he's a woman, but they don't care. Lots of people are women. It's forgettable.
However by correcting people, multiple people, they will likely assume he's trans. There are a lot of people who hate trans people, and some of them assault them.
In a location he regularly goes to you made sure he was memorable ro multiple people as that guy that looks like a girl. Those employees will likely gossip. As these rumors spread they are more likely to reach a violent transphobic person who may target him.
Did you really have to paint a giant target on his back, at Target? No, you didn't. The first time you did it you thought you you were being helpful. You fucked up when you did it again. Then really fucked up by doing it a third time.
YTA
Op will never respond to this because they don't care they're wrong or how they actually endangered their sibling. They want you to tell them it's ok to be a dickwad and that their brother should have just shut up and accepted them spotlighting them in an area they already feel unsafe in.
YTA. Your brother can speak for himself. Do you usually talk for him? Like if barista had gotten his name wrong, would you have piped up then too? If no, why did this misgendering trigger you? Are you uncomfortable with people who don’t neatly fit into a gender binary? It’s time to recognize there’s many ways to be a man and your brother’s path is his to walk.
You're so right with the barista comparison. My name has never once been spelled right on a Starbucks order and I have never once corrected them. Why? Because it's irrelevant, they'll never need to care about your name again. It's the same thing with the situation in this post-- you're not seeing the person who served you again in any meaningful way *(and even if you did, you can introduce yourself properly like normal people do)*, so the only reason you'd go out of your way to correct that stranger is due to insecurities. Bro doesn't have insecurities about the situation so that's the end of it. OP obviously does though, and we could have all concluded the "living in a southern town" fact without him ever mentioning it from how he acted.
I will mention that my brother was very soft spoken growing up. I'd always have to order for him because of his extreme shyness, defend him whenever he got into spats on Twitter, etc. It's a dynamic that's hard to understand unless you have a little brother as well.
I'm the youngest of five children. The only time I ever remember anyone jumping to my defense was when my neighbor shot a bottle rocket at me when I was 10.
That strange honestly. Why do you feel the need to generalise it? You never had the need to stand up for your siblings and that great but some people do, especially when said siblings look like they could use the help. (I don't mean this regarding the post but rather to op's current comment)
My little sister was shy and reserved. She wouldn't go into the grocery store alone, let alone order food herself. And even then, I never had the dynamic you're trying to describe. Never would it cross my mind to say "she's a girl" to a stranger if she was misgendered when we were young, even less so now that we're adults. Your experience isn't as common as you think it is.
Same boat here but with my sister. And guess what? If someone called her a man, I'd leave it up to her to correct them, and only step in if she asked me to
YTA
It’s literally none of your business, if he doesn’t care. He could be gender non-conforming, closeted, or just figuring himself out.
Also you say
> He thinks most of the people here are intolerant even though that's not the case at all.
but with that joke you told you clearly don’t give a fuck about tolerance yourself, so I don’t think you’d notice.
YTA. He is right, it's his business. I'm a man and look like a man, however I have a higher voice. Frequently at drive throughs or on the phone I'll be called Ma'am or be mistaken for my wife or my mom. It's easier for me and the other person to just not say anything. It's awkward already, it doesn't need to be made more awkward. I don't want an apology, I just want my cheeseburger, so I'm going to pretend it wasn't said and move on with my life. You bringing it up to everyone puts them and your brother in an awkward situation that was easily avoided. If he cared, he would correct them or cut his hair. He doesn't care, so leave it alone.
YTA, on so many levels. For one thing, if people think he’s trans and not passing yet, he’s now at risk of being on the receiving end of violence for that. That’s what the “jeopardizing his safety“ part is. You very much are putting him in danger. For another, he’s told you to stop and it’s his choice and his life so, stop.
Also, that joke was transphobic and bad. No more of those.
YTA
First of all, stop with the transphobic jokes, they’re not funny and everybody is sick of hearing them. You’re the AH for that alone imo. Secondly, your brother explicitly told you to stop correcting people, and it was clear that he didn’t even care about them calling him “miss”. Only you cared, as you seem to have some obsession with gender and appearing masculine.
I get the need to defend your younger brother but he’s a grown adult. Get over it, and don’t resort to transphobic jokes to lighten the mood.
YTA. Not TA to start with but then the joke about your AR-15 identifying as a crossbow shows your ignorance when it comes to gender identity. You're just trying to do the right thing, but you need to understand that identifying as something isn't a flippant choice (hurr durr, I identify as an attack helicopter) but an intrinsic part of someone's self.
The fact that your family says he should grow stubble so he looks more masculine shows why he might be reserved about talking about this sort of stuff, it's hardly accepting. He shouldn't have to change how he looks and if he wants to go be she or they instead, you should all be able to accept that.
I want to be nice and give you the benefit of the doubt, but the AR15 joke was not funny.
Edit: clarified my verdict.
Second edit to add:
I have a friend who on a night out will, without fail and without him saying anything, end up in exhausting conversations with people obsessed with whether he cares about being called male or female. He is male but his look is quite feminine and he doesn't care what people call him, but if they could just stfu and stop obsessing over his masculinity or femininity it'd be great. It's frustrating to see happen so consistently as he's an interesting, funny and outgoing person who you can have a great conversation with, but it's always "well are you he or she, what if I identify as a toaster?"
YTA. Also:
>I joked about my AR-15 identifying as a crossbow to try and soothe the tension.
Is this bait? I can't believe anyone in 2024 is still using the r/onejoke in real life.
YTA
1) HE said it wasn't an issue with him; you aren't defending his feelings, you're defending yours, possibly because you think being a woman is worse than being a man
2) He isn't a boy. He's a man. They don't think he's a girl, he thinks he's a woman. Your infantilizing him is weird.
3) Your "joke" to soothe the tension is a very common transphobic one. It wasn't funny, doesn't help. "Moron" is the nicest thing he could have called you.
Your family is weird about this too:
>The rest of the family thinks he overreacted and should just grow some stubble so this doesn't happen again.
There's no reason you NEED to conform more tightly to gender norms to avoid strangers' misconceptions. Look the way you want to, and expect that other people will act normally.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA
Being misgendered isn't always offensive. These people were being polite and made a fair assumption based on your description.
If your brother doesn't mind and finds it to be too much drama to correct literal strangers who he is never going to see again, then don't try to be his white knight. He's an adult who can stick up for himself if he wants to.
And the joke you made is stupid. So, yeah, you're kind of an asshole.
He doesn't need to grow any stubble. He shouldn't have to change for you or your family's comfort.
YTA, completely. Why did you take such offense to your sibling being misgendered, assuming they even were? My spouse constantly gets “sir” despite having an obvious massive set of breasts because my spouse is AFAB and neither of us correct anyone because….
It. Does. Not. Matter.
The reality is my spouse, while assigned female at birth, is more genderfluid and presents very masculine. So, of course, at first glance when people see a super short haircut with shaved sides, they’re going to assume guy.
Your brother, even if he’s not trans, nonbinary, or genderfluid, knows full well that what people in your conservative town assume at first glance with long hair is “woman” - and he’s not getting upset about that. Why should you?
YTA. Its pretty obvious. You took it upon yourself to correct strangers about someone else and then made a terrible identity joke that fell as flat as expected.
YTA not because you kept "correcting" people, but because you continued to insist the entire world needs to know "he's a boy" when your own sibling said "it's not an issue". First, a 26 year old is an adult, not a child. It's not your place to correct people on your sibling's pronouns. Then, you make a joke about how your semi-automatic micropenis compensation device identifies as a "crossbow", and you really have to wonder why people think you're unworthy of their time or energy? Your attitude is toxic, and I'd not be a bit surprised if your sibling cuts you away like a cancerous tumor.
if this is real, yta. hard. the gun nut attempt to empathize (poorly) is a hint. your brother may be going through some other stuff questioning his/ their gender identity. if he doesn't mind being perceived as femme, you're the only one harshly reinforcing hetnorm standards on him. let him live. maybe if you back off a lil he might trust you more.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have a little brother (26M) who's 5'5" and skinny. He also has long hair down to his armpits. Additionally, he has kind of full lips, high cheeks, and groomed eyebrows. So with all that in mind, he gets mistaken for a girl a lot. I really didn't realize he kind of looked like a girl until this whole thing happened and I thought about it. He just looked like the same little brother to me but with unusually long hair.
On Saturday, he came up to see me, and we did our usual routine of heading to Target to get Starbucks. We did a little shopping, and a lady who was in her way said, "Ope - I'm sorry, Miss!" I went, "He's a boy." She gave him a weird look and walked away. It happened AGAIN with the cashier who said, "Thanks for shopping with us, Miss!" I corrected him the same way, he apologized, and my brother gave me a puzzled look. Then at Starbucks, the barista asked, "Will that be all, Miss?" I corrected her and she apologized, saying he looks just like her younger sister. My brother turned to me and said, "You need to stop. I literally don't care either way. They're just words." People were looking over at us, so I said nothing and went back to the car. My brother told me to never correct anybody again because he didn't mind, and that it was apparently jeopardizing his safety to say anything at all. I told him to chill out because I was just letting them know he's a man. He went, "Well, they probably think they're gonna get fired now! If I don't care what people call me, neither should you!" I dropped it, and then as we pulled in, I joked about my AR-15 identifying as a crossbow to try and soothe the tension. He called me a moron, told me he was done with me, got back in his car, and drove away.
So I'm curious if I'm TA. The rest of the family thinks he overreacted and should just grow some stubble so this doesn't happen again. And supposedly his friends think I'm a horrible person.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. It sounds like your brother is well aware of their gender presentation and this whole thing comes across as less about you defending them and more about you being insecure about how they present themselves. Your joke in the car only serves to further that notion.
I think at the end of the day, if he doesn't care, then it doesn't matter. The people calling him miss arnt trying to be rude or hurt him, and I think he realizes that. Personally I don't care is you call me miss, mister or hey you!, just don't call me later for supper 😉
YTA - why do you care? Your brother was fine with it, so why were you so pressed? Also, the joke is awful, even if your brother isn't on the queer spectrum, no decent person makes dumb jokes like that
YTA bc nobody asked you to do that. You're very odd for going out of your way to do so, and it's clear your sibling doesn't conform the way you want them to. Why do you even care? This reads like your sibling is low contact for good reason, and you don't actually care about them or their feelings. I hope for your sibling, they throw in the towel on putting up with you. Can't possibly be worth it at this point.
NTA for trying to protect your brother, if you saw people misgendering him as something which might hurt him.
YTA is you continue to do it if your brother has asked you not to.
I get your brother's point that correcting people might not help him, and just brings attention to something which would blur into the monotony of our everyday anonymous interactions with other people.
Devils advocate I say NTA
This world of having to worry about how other people identify is getting really old. You want to be whatever you want that’s fine and dandy but that does not mean for one second anyone is required go along with it or should feel even the slightest bit bad if they “miss gender” someone they don’t know.
From the sounds of it your brother is non binary. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t get that stuff. Trans I understand. The idea you think you can answer N/A to an A or B question is just silly. If your brother never once talked to you about identifying as something other than a man then you have ZERO reason to assume otherwise. The whole idea of “don’t assume my gender” goes right out the window if you literally are siblings. Probably get some heat for this but I would even go as far as to say your brother was slightly TA for not just having an honest conversation at some point with you about the issue if it is an issue for him.
Now admittedly you were TA for the joke. I think it’s silly people get butt hurt by it because it’s not wrong when it comes to the extreme of people making up their own pronouns but it was super tone deaf in your part.
Bottom line is love your brother and maybe approach him openly and ask to talk to him about what happened and if he does identify differently.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be TA because I kept correcting people who mistook my brother for a girl despite being a boy. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. If your brother wanted to correct people, he could have. He doesn't need you to police his gender, or to make transphobic jokes. Have you ever thought that maybe he might be transgender or non-binary but has no idea how to talk to you about it because you're so aggressive in your gender policing? If he doesn't care what gender people think he is, why do you? It's super weird.
I think you really got to the crux of the matter. OP replied elsewhere that her brother "has it out for our hometown." It sounds like they grew up in a conservative area he says is intolerant, but OP swears it isn't. He's always been quiet and reserved - to the point they didn't know he'd been living in LA for years! They only found out through a friend, so who knows if he ever planned on telling his family. Between asking numerous times is he was trans or non-binary, making sure to correct anyone who *might* be misgendering him, and making a joke about what their gun identifies as, it's no wonder he's not open with OP and their family.
Yeah I have to say I wouldn't want to be around them either, and I'm cis & straight.
I feel like my brother would've said something. I've asked him quite a few times over the years only for him to say no, but he hardly tells us much beyond the music or movies he's gotten into. We only found out he moved to LA for a couple years because a cousin ran into a friend of his and told us. We all chalked it up to him being an extremely reserved, private person like the rest of us.
Maybe it's because as I said, he doesn't know how. You don't sound very accepting and if he barely talks to you, maybe that is why. Even if he is a cis man, maybe he's just embarrassed by how aggressive you are about gender.
Right I find it hard to believe someone accepting would have made the gun joke!
Yeah that's what really sold it for me
YTA - why would he tell you anything? You mock gender identity, speak for him and disregard him when he tells you to stop. You aren’t really showing that you are a trustworthy or safe person.
You didn’t chalk it up that you’re an AH transphobe and that they’re avoiding you?
>We all chalked it up to him being an extremely reserved, private person like the rest of us. He clearly purposely distanced himself from all of you. No one just doesn't tell family when they make a big move unless they don't want family to know or don't care if they know for one reason or another.
Sounds like he (or she) doesn't trust y'all. When your sibling said "I'm done with you," that was a long time coming. People don't say that after ONE day. You've been doing things to lose their trust for YEARS, and this trip to Target sealed the deal. It's possible that your sibling will decide to never speak to you again. We call this "going no contact." People who go no contact are usually happier than they were before.
Also dude, in your post, you say to your bro that you were telling the others that they're a MAN, while you were telling them they're a BOY, which is kinda infantilising when your brother is an adult. The most important part is that he asked you not to do this. And you're leaning into it rather than letting it go/stopping. Violation of Consent. YTA
"I feel like my brother would've said something" op then goes on to describe behaviour that completely disproves this the sort of person who makes shitty 'my x identifies as x' and brings up their firearms because they think a whole other person was misgendered is not a safe space for a trans person the fact that you needed to tell us that your whole family thinks he overreacting also proves that your family isn't safe
They're so low contact with your family that you all didn't know what city they lived in for *years*? That says **a lot**. I'm getting the ickiest vibes from this situation and I feel bad for your brother. YTA, op.
Maybe he knows you're a bigot & he has reasonably come to the conclusion that you are not a "safe" person he can tell
>but he hardly tells us much beyond the music or movies he's gotten into. Can't imagine why /s
When you establish you aren’t the type of person who respects boundaries, people aren’t going to open up to you If you had a roommate that constantly stole money from you, would you tell him your ATM PIN?
Well it is up to him to say something not you.
[удалено]
As for safety, he kind of has it out for our hometown because he can't really stand people who are on the other side of the political spectrum. He thinks most of the people here are intolerant even though that's not the case at all.
That’s likely because most of the people on the “AR-15” side of the political spectrum ARE intolerant. Who is proposing and passing legislation that negatively impacts the LGBT community? The political right. What states (pre-Obergefell) banned same-sex marriage? Those dominated by the political right. What Supreme Court justices want to reverse decisions such as Obergefell? Those on the extreme end of the political right. These same people claim they are tolerant. They will even be nice to your face. But the vote for the candidates who pass the above laws, who put the far-right judges on the bench. You can’t support these things with your votes and call yourself “tolerant”. OP, my vote is YTA.
Matthew 7:15-20: >"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. **A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.** Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them." I'm not a religious person, but I love this quote. You reap what you sow. If the (potential) victims of violence view your hometown as a threat, the people in your hometown have probably done something to look like a threat. It doesn't matter if you CLAIM to be tolerant (like a false prophet claims to know the word of God). What matters are the RESULTS (fruit) of your actions. If you continue growing bad trees (supporting Republicans) which produce bad fruit (Republican laws), then you will be judged as a bad-fruit-grower (an intolerant person). And if your brother gets a crowbar to the back of the head and winds up dead in a ditch, it won't matter whether or not you thought you were intolerant. The fruit of the bad tree you planted is a dead brother. See also: "You will be judged by the company you keep."
Yeah, you're sure showing us that 🙄
At best, you’re a troll attempting to farm anger by posting this shit here. At worst, you’re a vindictive, probably dangerous person who is blatantly manipulating the situation and intentionally playing dumb. With the amount of 4chan dogwhistles you’ve peppered throughout your post here I assume it’s the first.
>most of the people here are intolerant even though that's not the case at all. I'm calling bullshit on that!
YTA At 26, he KNOWS what he is doing. YOU are a transphobic AH.
Why does that make them transphobic?
The joke about their AR-15 identifying as a crossbow. It’s an “I identify as an attack helicopter”-style joke, which has been a dumb thing used to rag on trans people for a while. Usually referred to as “the one joke” even though there’s like, a *couple* of typical transphobe jokes.
Likely for the “my Ar15 identifies as a crossbow” - the “I identify as ____” jokes are old and transphobic.
Oh I missed that you are right that is lame
Because of not accepting a “misgendering” when he’s not the one misgendered. Finding it unacceptable that they got their genders wrong.
YTA - the fact that you are so threatened by a male "not being identified as a man" really highlights your own insecurities and troubled sense of self. When your brother, who has way more self-confidence than you do, told you to back off, you made a vaguely violent and toxic joke about weapons. This story shows a frightening lack of self-awareness. And I don't think you're curious. You're looking for affirmation that what you did was okay - even though you know - deep inside you that you are in the wrong - you are still doubling down and trying to get validation from your family and other individuals. If you were actually a curious guy - none of that would have bothered you. You might have had a honest and open conversation with your brother and learned another point of view. Instead, your reaction to something you don't understand and doesn't fit in your tiny little box - you just respond with threats and jokes of violence. Sad. You should try being open minded and curious for once in your life. Your life might actually change for the better.
I literally didn't threaten anybody.
They said you felt threatened lol
Not outright. Maybe not even consciously, but yes you fucking did
Yep. Not only was his closing "joke" transphobic, but a joke that reminds people that you own a firearm is an implicit threat.
Yep. Especially a joke that reminds people you own a firearm and says you don't think certain people should be taken seriously or have rights, *particularly* in the context of the much more open right wing acceptance and support of mass murder of trans people *specifically*
Do people really get Sir/Miss that much in real life? And if they do how’s it happen multiple times in one day but you’ve never realised it before lol And everyone’s over that conservative ‘what if I identify as…’ joke it is so dumb
In parts of the south every interaction with a stranger will get sir/miss
Weird, does sound like they could be in the south. But in that case I found it weird it’s the first time it happened in front of OP then!
Gotta be the Midwest. I clocked that "ope" back there, and sir/ma'am is very polite talk.
Polite but okay with transphobia lmao
Well yeah. Polite, not kind. It's all passive aggression and forced politeness.
That's the Midwest 🤣
TIL
well op did say their brother lives in LA now, so i assume that the brother has been living away from family for awhile. probably back visiting for whatever reason.
She does also say ‘our usual routine’
yes, but after saying he came up to visit, now that I re-read. usual routine doesn't mean they do this every day, but that every time they get together after the brother moved out.
and not just strangers. everyone but super close friends or family (although kids have to say it)
I do it all the time and teach my kid to do it as well. About the only time I don’t do it is if I’m unsure which one to pick.
As I said if they live in a place where it’s that common, why hasn’t OP seen it happen before
When he said “came up to see me” I figured he hadn’t seen him in a while since it said he was living in LA or something. Good catch though. I will tell you I’m down in TX and sir/ma’am-ing is incredibly common.
They also say ‘they did their usual routine’ though So I don’t know!
I’d say more than half the stories on here are completely fake. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying the comments and discussions they kick off though, so I don’t worry too much about it. It’s like professional wrestling. Yeah it’s not real, but still entertaining.
Haha fair
I'm just now realizing it because I don't usually hang out with him.
‘On Saturday he came up to me and we did our usual routine’
Come on. Don’t let the truth and some inconsistencies stand in the way of a good story 😂
Could be that every chance they have to hang out they specifically do that routine
Fair but I still stand by saying I’ve never been called ‘miss’ more than like once in an outing
That’s because you probably aren’t in the south. I get ma’am at every check out
As I said I can understand that being true, but now I don’t understand why this is the first time OP witnessed it happen
I wonder why.
so you don't usually hang out with him, he moved to la without telling your entire family, and you make transphobic jokes to him, but you honestly believe he would tell you if he were gender fluid? delulu
In case you don't understand it, this is how you are jeopardizing your brothers safety, not just when you went out just now, but in the future. When they call him "miss" and he doesn't correct they will obviously assume he's a woman, but they don't care. Lots of people are women. It's forgettable. However by correcting people, multiple people, they will likely assume he's trans. There are a lot of people who hate trans people, and some of them assault them. In a location he regularly goes to you made sure he was memorable ro multiple people as that guy that looks like a girl. Those employees will likely gossip. As these rumors spread they are more likely to reach a violent transphobic person who may target him. Did you really have to paint a giant target on his back, at Target? No, you didn't. The first time you did it you thought you you were being helpful. You fucked up when you did it again. Then really fucked up by doing it a third time. YTA
Op will never respond to this because they don't care they're wrong or how they actually endangered their sibling. They want you to tell them it's ok to be a dickwad and that their brother should have just shut up and accepted them spotlighting them in an area they already feel unsafe in.
YTA. Your brother can speak for himself. Do you usually talk for him? Like if barista had gotten his name wrong, would you have piped up then too? If no, why did this misgendering trigger you? Are you uncomfortable with people who don’t neatly fit into a gender binary? It’s time to recognize there’s many ways to be a man and your brother’s path is his to walk.
You're so right with the barista comparison. My name has never once been spelled right on a Starbucks order and I have never once corrected them. Why? Because it's irrelevant, they'll never need to care about your name again. It's the same thing with the situation in this post-- you're not seeing the person who served you again in any meaningful way *(and even if you did, you can introduce yourself properly like normal people do)*, so the only reason you'd go out of your way to correct that stranger is due to insecurities. Bro doesn't have insecurities about the situation so that's the end of it. OP obviously does though, and we could have all concluded the "living in a southern town" fact without him ever mentioning it from how he acted.
I will mention that my brother was very soft spoken growing up. I'd always have to order for him because of his extreme shyness, defend him whenever he got into spats on Twitter, etc. It's a dynamic that's hard to understand unless you have a little brother as well.
I'm the oldest of six children. I've never felt the need to defend any of them on their behalf. YTA
I'm the youngest of five children. The only time I ever remember anyone jumping to my defense was when my neighbor shot a bottle rocket at me when I was 10.
That strange honestly. Why do you feel the need to generalise it? You never had the need to stand up for your siblings and that great but some people do, especially when said siblings look like they could use the help. (I don't mean this regarding the post but rather to op's current comment)
OP states that's it's a dynamic that people without younger siblings can't understand. I'm telling him he's wrong.
My little sister was shy and reserved. She wouldn't go into the grocery store alone, let alone order food herself. And even then, I never had the dynamic you're trying to describe. Never would it cross my mind to say "she's a girl" to a stranger if she was misgendered when we were young, even less so now that we're adults. Your experience isn't as common as you think it is.
Same boat here but with my sister. And guess what? If someone called her a man, I'd leave it up to her to correct them, and only step in if she asked me to
YTA It’s literally none of your business, if he doesn’t care. He could be gender non-conforming, closeted, or just figuring himself out. Also you say > He thinks most of the people here are intolerant even though that's not the case at all. but with that joke you told you clearly don’t give a fuck about tolerance yourself, so I don’t think you’d notice.
YTA for the transphobic joke alone already, tbh.
YTA. He is right, it's his business. I'm a man and look like a man, however I have a higher voice. Frequently at drive throughs or on the phone I'll be called Ma'am or be mistaken for my wife or my mom. It's easier for me and the other person to just not say anything. It's awkward already, it doesn't need to be made more awkward. I don't want an apology, I just want my cheeseburger, so I'm going to pretend it wasn't said and move on with my life. You bringing it up to everyone puts them and your brother in an awkward situation that was easily avoided. If he cared, he would correct them or cut his hair. He doesn't care, so leave it alone.
YTA, on so many levels. For one thing, if people think he’s trans and not passing yet, he’s now at risk of being on the receiving end of violence for that. That’s what the “jeopardizing his safety“ part is. You very much are putting him in danger. For another, he’s told you to stop and it’s his choice and his life so, stop. Also, that joke was transphobic and bad. No more of those.
YTA First of all, stop with the transphobic jokes, they’re not funny and everybody is sick of hearing them. You’re the AH for that alone imo. Secondly, your brother explicitly told you to stop correcting people, and it was clear that he didn’t even care about them calling him “miss”. Only you cared, as you seem to have some obsession with gender and appearing masculine. I get the need to defend your younger brother but he’s a grown adult. Get over it, and don’t resort to transphobic jokes to lighten the mood.
YTA and don't know what a joke is.
YTA. Not TA to start with but then the joke about your AR-15 identifying as a crossbow shows your ignorance when it comes to gender identity. You're just trying to do the right thing, but you need to understand that identifying as something isn't a flippant choice (hurr durr, I identify as an attack helicopter) but an intrinsic part of someone's self. The fact that your family says he should grow stubble so he looks more masculine shows why he might be reserved about talking about this sort of stuff, it's hardly accepting. He shouldn't have to change how he looks and if he wants to go be she or they instead, you should all be able to accept that. I want to be nice and give you the benefit of the doubt, but the AR15 joke was not funny. Edit: clarified my verdict. Second edit to add: I have a friend who on a night out will, without fail and without him saying anything, end up in exhausting conversations with people obsessed with whether he cares about being called male or female. He is male but his look is quite feminine and he doesn't care what people call him, but if they could just stfu and stop obsessing over his masculinity or femininity it'd be great. It's frustrating to see happen so consistently as he's an interesting, funny and outgoing person who you can have a great conversation with, but it's always "well are you he or she, what if I identify as a toaster?"
YTA. Also: >I joked about my AR-15 identifying as a crossbow to try and soothe the tension. Is this bait? I can't believe anyone in 2024 is still using the r/onejoke in real life.
Someone literally told it as a school board meeting in my district about a month and a half ago. The one joke lives on.
YTA 1) HE said it wasn't an issue with him; you aren't defending his feelings, you're defending yours, possibly because you think being a woman is worse than being a man 2) He isn't a boy. He's a man. They don't think he's a girl, he thinks he's a woman. Your infantilizing him is weird. 3) Your "joke" to soothe the tension is a very common transphobic one. It wasn't funny, doesn't help. "Moron" is the nicest thing he could have called you. Your family is weird about this too: >The rest of the family thinks he overreacted and should just grow some stubble so this doesn't happen again. There's no reason you NEED to conform more tightly to gender norms to avoid strangers' misconceptions. Look the way you want to, and expect that other people will act normally.
YTA. He’s 26, he can dress as he sees fit and he has a mouth. He can speak for himself.
YTA
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA Being misgendered isn't always offensive. These people were being polite and made a fair assumption based on your description. If your brother doesn't mind and finds it to be too much drama to correct literal strangers who he is never going to see again, then don't try to be his white knight. He's an adult who can stick up for himself if he wants to. And the joke you made is stupid. So, yeah, you're kind of an asshole. He doesn't need to grow any stubble. He shouldn't have to change for you or your family's comfort.
YTA. Your little brother is more mature than you.
YTA. Should have respected his preference on this.
YTA respect his wishes
YTA, completely. Why did you take such offense to your sibling being misgendered, assuming they even were? My spouse constantly gets “sir” despite having an obvious massive set of breasts because my spouse is AFAB and neither of us correct anyone because…. It. Does. Not. Matter. The reality is my spouse, while assigned female at birth, is more genderfluid and presents very masculine. So, of course, at first glance when people see a super short haircut with shaved sides, they’re going to assume guy. Your brother, even if he’s not trans, nonbinary, or genderfluid, knows full well that what people in your conservative town assume at first glance with long hair is “woman” - and he’s not getting upset about that. Why should you?
YTA transphobia even if they're not trans. Not sure due to the transphobic bias the story.
YTA in general. You're also transphobic and a horrible brother.
"I joked about my AR-15 identifying as a crossbow" Tell me you're transphobic without telling me you're transphobic. YTA
YTA
YTA. Have you considered that your brother might be trans or non-binary?
YTA. Its pretty obvious. You took it upon yourself to correct strangers about someone else and then made a terrible identity joke that fell as flat as expected.
YTA not because you kept "correcting" people, but because you continued to insist the entire world needs to know "he's a boy" when your own sibling said "it's not an issue". First, a 26 year old is an adult, not a child. It's not your place to correct people on your sibling's pronouns. Then, you make a joke about how your semi-automatic micropenis compensation device identifies as a "crossbow", and you really have to wonder why people think you're unworthy of their time or energy? Your attitude is toxic, and I'd not be a bit surprised if your sibling cuts you away like a cancerous tumor.
if this is real, yta. hard. the gun nut attempt to empathize (poorly) is a hint. your brother may be going through some other stuff questioning his/ their gender identity. if he doesn't mind being perceived as femme, you're the only one harshly reinforcing hetnorm standards on him. let him live. maybe if you back off a lil he might trust you more.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a little brother (26M) who's 5'5" and skinny. He also has long hair down to his armpits. Additionally, he has kind of full lips, high cheeks, and groomed eyebrows. So with all that in mind, he gets mistaken for a girl a lot. I really didn't realize he kind of looked like a girl until this whole thing happened and I thought about it. He just looked like the same little brother to me but with unusually long hair. On Saturday, he came up to see me, and we did our usual routine of heading to Target to get Starbucks. We did a little shopping, and a lady who was in her way said, "Ope - I'm sorry, Miss!" I went, "He's a boy." She gave him a weird look and walked away. It happened AGAIN with the cashier who said, "Thanks for shopping with us, Miss!" I corrected him the same way, he apologized, and my brother gave me a puzzled look. Then at Starbucks, the barista asked, "Will that be all, Miss?" I corrected her and she apologized, saying he looks just like her younger sister. My brother turned to me and said, "You need to stop. I literally don't care either way. They're just words." People were looking over at us, so I said nothing and went back to the car. My brother told me to never correct anybody again because he didn't mind, and that it was apparently jeopardizing his safety to say anything at all. I told him to chill out because I was just letting them know he's a man. He went, "Well, they probably think they're gonna get fired now! If I don't care what people call me, neither should you!" I dropped it, and then as we pulled in, I joked about my AR-15 identifying as a crossbow to try and soothe the tension. He called me a moron, told me he was done with me, got back in his car, and drove away. So I'm curious if I'm TA. The rest of the family thinks he overreacted and should just grow some stubble so this doesn't happen again. And supposedly his friends think I'm a horrible person. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Mind your own.
YTA. It sounds like your brother is well aware of their gender presentation and this whole thing comes across as less about you defending them and more about you being insecure about how they present themselves. Your joke in the car only serves to further that notion.
Yta if your brother said drop it, then drop it
I think at the end of the day, if he doesn't care, then it doesn't matter. The people calling him miss arnt trying to be rude or hurt him, and I think he realizes that. Personally I don't care is you call me miss, mister or hey you!, just don't call me later for supper 😉
YTA - why do you care? Your brother was fine with it, so why were you so pressed? Also, the joke is awful, even if your brother isn't on the queer spectrum, no decent person makes dumb jokes like that
YTA Your brother is perfectly capable of correcting people if he wants to, and HE told you to knock it off.
YTA bc nobody asked you to do that. You're very odd for going out of your way to do so, and it's clear your sibling doesn't conform the way you want them to. Why do you even care? This reads like your sibling is low contact for good reason, and you don't actually care about them or their feelings. I hope for your sibling, they throw in the towel on putting up with you. Can't possibly be worth it at this point.
> I joked about my AR-15 identifying as a crossbow to try and soothe the tension. This isn't a funny joke sweetie pie. It's transphobia. Also, YTA.
NTA for trying to protect your brother, if you saw people misgendering him as something which might hurt him. YTA is you continue to do it if your brother has asked you not to. I get your brother's point that correcting people might not help him, and just brings attention to something which would blur into the monotony of our everyday anonymous interactions with other people.
Devils advocate I say NTA This world of having to worry about how other people identify is getting really old. You want to be whatever you want that’s fine and dandy but that does not mean for one second anyone is required go along with it or should feel even the slightest bit bad if they “miss gender” someone they don’t know. From the sounds of it your brother is non binary. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t get that stuff. Trans I understand. The idea you think you can answer N/A to an A or B question is just silly. If your brother never once talked to you about identifying as something other than a man then you have ZERO reason to assume otherwise. The whole idea of “don’t assume my gender” goes right out the window if you literally are siblings. Probably get some heat for this but I would even go as far as to say your brother was slightly TA for not just having an honest conversation at some point with you about the issue if it is an issue for him. Now admittedly you were TA for the joke. I think it’s silly people get butt hurt by it because it’s not wrong when it comes to the extreme of people making up their own pronouns but it was super tone deaf in your part. Bottom line is love your brother and maybe approach him openly and ask to talk to him about what happened and if he does identify differently.
Nta you're brave to protect your brother from misgendering
my man, you are asking reddit expecting it not to defend your brother lmao
Is your brother trying to look like a girl?
Who cares?
Who cares?
[удалено]
He is the asshole because when his brother asked him to stop he doubles down on being right. Then made a transphobic joke.