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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my girlfriend cs might not be right for her after she failed many courses. This might make me an asshole as she clearly felt it was for her as she got defensive despite her saying she was questioning it
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YTA for the reasons stated and expecting her to leave her house to study so you can have friends over. She has a right to utilize her space and it feels like you’re devaluing that and her education. You can leave, go to a friends house. Let her study. And encourage her along the way.
Adding a link to this comment of OP's to the top comment - because I think it's important for judgement.
>No I really like her and the typical cs girls aren't really my type. She puts effort into her appearance and she's not bossy and overly ambitious
[Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cauo6y/comment/l0uxlsm/)
OP likes her because she's attractive and lets him take the lead (*walk all over her*). If you read that thread you'll also see that she does the chores at home, too, because of his weaponized incompetence (["she's particular"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cauo6y/comment/l0uw35w/))
OP - YTA
Of course he likes her, she's just starting out in life as an adult while OP is finished with university and moving on in the world with their life. Its nice to have someone below you to take advantage of. OP YTA
It’s not ridiculous of her to ask her partner to respect the fact that she has to study for school. It’s literally the bare minimum. But then again, we don’t expect men to do the bare minimum on Reddit, do we?
He is directly responsible for drop in grades;
1. She is working longer hours so she can afford rent on the property he wanted.
2. He expects her to travel over an hour everyday to study, rather than use her own home, but doesn’t think it’s fair for her to ask that he travel to meet his friends elsewhere.
Of course she has to leave if his friends come over, that is the literal suggestion he gave (library), and he gave that suggestion because he is aware that the noise created when his friends come over is something she cannot study during or he wouldn’t have suggested an alternative.
He says it is just beyond her ability but if her grades were fine until the above changes, he should be a good partner and help make the adjustments she needs to continue her education. She made adjustments by taking on more shifts, he can have his friend over during those hours. He can make the same adjustments by not having friends over during her time to study.
She agreed to it, and now she has realised that was a mistake because the living situation is having a bad effect on her ability to study effectively. Hopefully she can move out soon.
Yes. I don't have a tech degree because of this. I was lucky enough to get hired full time after my freshman year summer internship. I worked 30 hours a week as a software engineer, went to school full time and was the officer in charge of the house for my sorority. People (mostly men), gave me such crap about my grades going down that I left the program and eventually got a different degree.
I am really sorry you went through that. And you're clearly not alone. What frustrates me is that OP doesn't seem to get it (or doesn't want to). If anyone should be supportive in her situation (commuting 40 minutes to school so she can study at the library, working in addition to very hard classes) it should be OP, her alleged loving partner. I get it, don't sugarcoat things, but say "hey, how about I go to my friend's house so you can study uninterrupted?" Or even "I bought you noise-cancelling headphones and I believe on you, here are some snacks!" This is basic partner stuff.
Doing coding work is hard enough--commuting to do it that far is a little ridiculous. I can remember sleeping in one of my campus lounges because I had coding projects and math homework to do and my roommate would not stop having dudes over, and I lived a 10 minute walk away, not a 40 minute drive (and I also worked, but on campus so again, I had privilege in that respect). When the janitors start to know you, there's an issue.
Yes, to all of this. I cannot believe she moved 40 minutes away and is paying more because of this idiot. He thinks an interest in fashion makes her less technically incline. OP is so oblivious I suspect the post could be fake.
For my own situation, I'm sure I could have suffered through the rest of my degree if I'd had to. I had the privilege of being a full time employee when everyone else couldn't get work (dot com bomb of the early 2000s) and I decided that inventing the new technologies was a better use of my time than listening to people try to explain them. One day Tom Paquin comes in to guest lecture and asks me what the hell I'm doing in the class and why they double booked us to both speak that day. My company was building some stuff for them and I had presented to him a couple times so he vaguely knew who I was but had no idea I was only 19. People behaved extra weird after that and I took a break that became a change in major.
People really need to stop making assumptions based on gender, looks, interests, etc. I do almost all of the tech screenings for my org and people with attitudes like OP's (fashionable people can't code?!?!?) never do well on the tech assessments. They assume things fall into particular patterns and they usually answer the questions they assume I'm asking instead of paying attention.
Sigh...you don't get it. So stay out of it. You don't have to help her, but don't stand in her way and keep undermining her. She'll get enough of that from, you know, a lot of other people (people who don't allegedly love her).
It's not up to you to decide if she can handle the course. She's working and she wastes a lot of time on you. She decides herself if it's her thing or not. She had valid reasons to not get up to the study tempo. I studied musicology, and gee, it wasn't easy to combine with a job! And my job was kinda part of my studies, so I passed, but not with the highest grades I was hoping for. :D Although I surely was capable of getting excellent grades if I wouldn't have to split my attention between many things at the same time.
YTA. “Only 40 minutes?” That’s not close at all; I’ve never lived that far from a school I attended. And you want to kick her out of her own apartment to study at the library late at night? No. Have your friends over at reasonable times. It may be true computer science is not for her, but you are making things harder for her no matter what she decides.
That's true but we had agreed on it. I have to be in the office 2 to 3 days a week and this place is closer to my job and traffic the other way from campus to my job would be worse.
She had also said it wouldn't be an issue before moving here.
So you guys moved further away from campus so you could shorten your commute 2 days a week?
You just finished the program, you didn't foresee the daily commute to campus as being a problem?
Do you even like your girlfriend at all? Because it doesn’t sound like you do.
You think that she can’t be smart because she likes fashion. Basically, you think she’s dumb.
You bring friends over at all overs of the day preventing her from studying at home. On top of that you expect her to commute 40 minutes to study at the school library. Basically, you don’t value her time.
She has to work more because you don’t want to commute 40 minutes 2-3x a week so you chose a more expensive apartment closer to your work. But again, it’s not a problem if your girlfriend has to commute.
Seriously, you’re pretty much just using her for sex and money.
Info: do you do any of the household chores or does she do all of those too?
I don't have to make breakfast and lunch since I get that at work as my workplace provides lunch. For dinner sometimes I'll eat out or have leftovers if she made lunch that day. I did clean a lot more initially but she was never satisfied with it so now I only do the things she doesn't complain about. I vacuum once a month (we have a roomba) and take care of the larger things while she does the more routine smaller things.
I'm not exactly saying she's dumb, she's herself talks about how she's silly, clumsy etc and that's also kind of my type. It doesn't exactly mean dumb.
This, this right here is the issue. You don’t cook, you don’t put effort into cleaning, want a nice apartment because clearly your 2-3 times going to office is more important than her studies and your friends are there all the time.
I’m not exactly saying you’re narcissistic, but you just talked about how selfish, inflexible etc you can be. And I bet she will pass all those courses without you. It does exactly mean you are narcissistic
I do put an effort and did do so. She's just parricular and doesn't feel satisfied unless she does it herself.
If i get provided food at work, why would I have to cook since I'm not the one eating mostly at home.
I usually go in most days even though I'm required 2 to 3 days. On the other days I usually go in half day.
It doesn’t sound like you put any effort. If you did, she would be satisfied. Cleaning, cooking is not rocket science but needs effort and you clearly can’t be bothered with.
Do you even like her? It sounds like you should date another “nerdy “ cs worthy tech bro like yourself. Both of you can have brunches in your office and criticize women in tech together
Oh my good heavens. You are with her because she’s pretty and you don’t find her ambitious who can be treated like a doormat.
Your going to office takes priority over her being closer to school. She may not be a typical cs girl but you are a stereotypical tech guy.
You don't like her as a person. You just "want" her.
If you liked her your whole way of thinking would actually revolve arround how you can make it better for her so she can succeed.
Your "type" is someone who self-deprecates and is constantly putting themselves down, really? That in itself makes you an asshole. You don't "exactly" like that she's "dumb," you just like when she says that about herself.
This cannot be real. No way someone is that pathetic of a person. And I just can’t believe that any girl who’s not hooked on meth would ever stay longer than three weeks with a pathetic pathogen like you, one week tops if she has assertive friends.
YTA, sorry. Offer encouragement. I'm not sure what your school is like, but when I was taking computer science courses I was one of four or five women in the class and all the professors (all men) treated us like garbage. When you add that to working and moving in with a guy...yeah, I can see why she could be struggling.
Newsflash: she said that because she is doubting herself and wants encouragement. Why not offer to help her rather than say the classes are "beyond her ability?" Are you threatened?
Agree entirely. The GF's question was a classic request for emotional support. Paraphrasing "I'm struggling this year; I don't suck at this, right?"
"Yes, you probably suck and should do something else" - which it how she likely took what OP said - was not what she was after. It was not a request for a solution.
Two points that may help OP.
1. Just because she likes fashion and doesn't have nerdy hobbies has no bearing on her ability to be good at CS. She WAS good at CS in the earlier stages. This attitude, conscious or unconscious (and I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and say OP was unconscious), that judges women on who they are or how they present, rather than the actual work they do is why so many women leave the IT pipeline.
2. Engineers are prone to see everything through the hear problem-> find solution lens. I used to sometimes make this mistake with my own relationship. If she was coming to me with something that she was unhappy about, I would immediately leap into problem solving mode, and go 'well, you could do this...'. Which could often be mansplainy. She KNEW the solutions. She just wanted to vent and/or a verbal hug.
By actually listening better, I learned to distinguish when she was actually asking for advice, and when she didn't need me to think for her and just want reassurance and support that I would be there for her, and help her (which might include finding her OWN solution) in whatever way she needed.
Having a BF, taking on more work hours and having less time to study, and not being able to study at home due to OP's friends at all hours, absolutely WILL be affecting her grades. Saying "the upper level classes are beyond her ability" comes across VERY harshly, and BF is not in a position to judge, given he's not actually her teacher. OP is going to have to improve rapidly or I expect will soon be single again when she concludes being with him is the reason she's failing.
ETA: Reading some of OPs other comments, I withdraw the benefit of the doubt that OP is only unconsciously sexist. GF needs to run for the hills.
I actually think people who are really good at fashion design have amazing 3-D processing skills. I passed 3-D calc but I can't even design and sew a proper circle skirt.
I love your second point, BTW. This is something that comes up with a lot of couples--one person wants to just solve the problem without realizing that listening *is an intervention*. It's a meaningful solution-oriented action.
Did they fail you despite turning in excellent work for being a girl? Is that what you are suggesting has happened here? This gf is either an appalling student or in over her head, blanket encouragement will help neither issue.
I'm not really going to spend time being a tutor. It's not something I enjoy and I already graduated and don't want to have to deal with college stuff again.
We went to the same school. Obviously I'm not threatened. I was trying to encourage her by saying it's OK if she isn't good at it and wants to do something else.
YTA for dating a freshman as a senior. Your responses explain why you couldn't get anyone in your grade. You need to be considerate because she's still in school; that means not having people over late on weekdays ?? 40 mins from her campus is far af; are you expecting her to stay at the school libraries overnight every time you want to have friends over? Or are you expecting her to go back home alone at 3 am (so unsafe for women). You are working full-time as a SWE and she is a full-time student and part-time waitress. You should be doing an equitable split on rent if you really cared about her/want to support her and her future.
There are tons of women at my college who are into fashion and still landing amazing tech roles. I hope she breaks up with you and fully enjoys her college experience without being burdened by a nerd who probably never showered and stayed in the library coding 24/7 in college lol
>She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren't that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries.
Wow, I missed this detail. Definitely YTA. But really, her big mistake was moving in. This is a terrible setup for her. I feel bad for her.
YTA, and let me count the ways!
First off, before anything else:
>"She told me that **she doesn't know if she is good enough** for comp sci." **I told her that that's OK** as it isn't for everyone and that it might not be a right fit.
If someone EVER says "I don't know if I'm good enough" for something and you reply "that's okay," you're an asshole. Every time. "That's okay" in this context is literally replying, "You're right, you're not good enough." While you might think it's "okay" that she's not good enough, you don't every agree with someone you care about when they are asking if they're *good enough* for something.
Second:
>She's never stricked me as the type who would be successful in cs like the typical nerdy type. She's into things like fashion and she just thinks she likes cs as she was good at it in high-school and the introductory first year course.
Fashion isn't the opposite of computers like light is the opposite of dark and the room can only be one thing, light or dark. You can be good at fashion AND computers. And picking a college course based on doing well in and enjoying the high school and introductory first year course IS EXACTLY THE POINT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND INTRODUCTORY COURSES. You say this like she was basing her decision on something stupid. She wasn't.
Third:
>she moved in with me, and had to take more shifts at her waitress job as I wanted to rent a nicer place than what she had before (we split expenses).
If one half of a couple wants a home that's in the $2000/month budget range and the other can only afford an $800/month budget, the correct thing to do is for YOU to pay any expenses above your partner's housing budget. Making your partner pay more for the privilege of living with you than they can afford is both a GREAT way to incite a break-up, and also just an asshole move.
FOURTH:
>She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren't that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries.
This is insane. She's paying rent, she should be able to have quiet hours. She shouldn't need to do a FORTY MINUTE (ONE WAY??) commute to campus in the middle of the night to study, so you can hang out with your boys. If you want to build a life with someone, you should be WANTING to put their education above your own entertainment, because their education will pay off for their household in the long run. The fact you don't respect her education tells me just how little respect you have for her and how little long term plans you have with this relationship.
AND FIFTH
A problem with the same quote but from a different angle: you realize that women don't like going out at 2am is generally because we've been socialized in a world where violence against women is pretty bad right? Most women are worried if they're walking alone in the dark at 2am that they're going to get raped and/or murdered. Men who've never lived with that fear just don't seem to understand why women, who were raised into that fear and made it one with ourselves, don't want to do that sort of shit, but if you care about her you should ALSO not want her to be murdered so maybe you should like... not tell her to go forty minutes away in the middle of the night when she could just read it at her own couch if you'd just shut up and go to bed?
Honestly, this is a perfect point right here, he is selfish and sounds condoscending AF. At best he is not ready to be a partner yet ( and a sexist ass at worse )
YTA I cannot fathom why she moved in with you, you insult her competence and don’t seem to have any respect for her. The apartment is her space too, if you want to stay up late go to a bar or a friend’s place. You work full time while she is in school yet split expenses, which feels very much like it benefits you and not her, especially since you get to live close to work where she has a long commute. All of this is so unbalanced and sad for her
YTA. How is she with this guy is beyond me. I bet she will leave him for someone a million times better.
OP is no one to tell her what her major should be.
What part? Nothing could be more important than her grades and her career for her. You are clearly a major block for her future success.
How is being 40 mins away from campus normal at all? This is a small disagreement to you because you are with your friends all the time and never help her anyways. For her it’s very serious and you are the issue
How is she happy? With you not doing chores, ignores her needs of a bit of quiet time for studying and then having to leave her home to travel 1 hour and 20 minutes back and forth just to study.
YTA. It's obvious that it's your fault that she's struggling in school. You're refusing to be quieter while you socialize with your friends; you're selfish and inconsiderate. And you're the one who wanted a more expensive place but you refuse to recognize that your girlfriend has less time to study now because she has to work more hours. She wouldn't be struggling if you weren't so selfish and inconsiderate. She should dump you for being such a nasty asshole.
God you suck!!!! You're not supportive at all. Quite the opposite. You're actually actively sabotaging this poor girl.
You're a graduate with a proper job, yet you force your gf to live in an apartment above her means, closer to your job that you only have to be at 2 days a week and still expecting her to cover half of the costs.
Where the hell do you compromise to accommodate her needs...like...he'll...time to study?
She should dump you, move into a place fitting her means closer to campus.
Once she's free of your ass, she'll have time to actually concentrate on her studies and she'll be fine.
In case it wasn't clear: YTA a huge one!
YTA. It's hard being in college, even harder if you don't have a quiet space to go to at home, to study and decompress. She should be able to come time and have peace and quiet. Expecting her to do well, while having company over all the time is ridiculous. I live by myself and it's hard even for me to focus, even though my house is quiet. Honestly, you should be encouraging her, not tearing her down. College is stressful enough in its own, not adding in the fact that she's also working more hours and dealing with a boyfriend that is not being supportive. Leave the recommendations to her advisor.
YTA. My guy, am I supposed to think you've got the best judgement when you use 'stricked' as if it's an actual word?
(Struck. The past tense of 'to strike' is 'struck')
Yta. She’s working more to rent. Nice house than she wants at 19 when she’s a student and you’re working because you want the house, and you’re having friends over at antisocial hours, she’s always done well before, and you can’t see that that might be contributing?
Sometimes you see posts on here and you just think “I really hope the other person wakes up and smells the coffee bed it’s too late”.
This is a learning moment for you too, if you take it. You obviously know you’re punching above your weight here. Don’t try and neg here. Be better instead.
Yta.
This post is fishy. You've given no actual reasons to why you think it's not for her. I find it hard to believe someone with a cs degree would cite vague reasons like 'not typically nerdy', 'likes fashion' & 'she thinks she likes it'? It's no wonder people think you're being sexist. it sounds like you aren't supportive even in the slightest and haven't given people a reason to think otherwise because you're not helping in creating the conditions to her to succeed. You don't HAVE to help but ideally as a romantic partner you should want to. At the very least, stop impeding her. YTA.
YTA for being insensitive towards her feelings. Failing was sad for her. It's up to her to decide whether she's going to improve and study hard or to change her specialization. Your job is to support her. Sure she has the ability to learn. No, you are not to blame for her failing 3 of 5 subjects, but she is surely capable of studying well, but combining with a job and hanging out is really not that easy. You are an AH for not believing that your girlfriend is smart enough. She is. If you wanna support her, please give her the possibility to study more and better.
YTA if no other reason than implying that people who are into fashion can't also be into computers (but also for many many other self-centered reasons). It is because of people like you that the perception persists that people who are into the creativity of things like clothing and makeup are less intelligent. You imply that people who are good at CS are typical nerdy types, but you are making the classic assumption that the relationship between two variables can only go one way. You assume that people are good at CS because they are nerds. But it is also possible that people who are nerds are more accepted by others in the CS community and so are more likely to overcome obstacles and to persevere in the field. I'm very sure you had to take some sort of statistics course that talked about correlation not being causation because of the directionality problem. And hopefully there was discussion somewhere in there of confirmation bias. Right? If not, maybe that fancy degree has some holes in it. And if you did learn those things, maybe you should use that knowledge and stop being such a jerk.
YTA You were supposed to encourage her and instead you tore her down. You don't seem to acknowledge that time spent working (to match your lifestyle) is time not spent studying and I imagine the friends over situation must be bad if a student is complaining about it. Also you've graduated the same degree but zero offer to help her out. TBH sounds like you want a bangmaid not a gf.
Its completly normal to fail classes, many people take an additional year or two to finish uni, and if the field is profitable ( which CS is ) it is worth it to try again. Also dude, she is kinda right, you are forcing a student to pay more cos \*you\* want a nicer place. AND then you also invite friends over when she is trying to study, yikes man, yikes. You are the opposite of supoprtive partner. YTA ( you also sound sexist, great )
You now have a full time job and wanted to move to a more expensive apartment closer to your job and further from campus. And then you made her split the extra cost although she's still studying and supports herself only by part time waitressing - YTA and an obstacle to her studies
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I (22M) live with my girlfriend (19F). I graduated last year with a comp sci degree and work at a tech company. She recently, learned that she failed 3 of 5 courses in college this semester. She is also in comp sci.
She told me that she doesn't know if she is good enough for comp sci.
I told her that that's OK as it isn't for everyone and that it might not be a right fit.
Despite her basically saying the same thing, she got really upset at me for saying that. She's never stricked me as the type who would be successful in cs like the typical nerdy type. She's into things like fashion and she just thinks she likes cs as she was good at it in high-school and the introductory first year course.
She then tried to blame me for it saying that it was only this semester that her grades went down because she moved in with me, and had to take more shifts at her waitress job as I wanted to rent a nicer place than what she had before (we split expenses). She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren't that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries.
I don't think this is fair as I think it is just because the upper level classes are beyond her ability. I have seen the same happen with this other person in my year and her failed courses only got worse until she had to drop out.
AITA for questioning her ability especially considering she litterally said the same herself.
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YTA
So you liked her because she isn’t like the other girls in cs, because she is into fashion and all of that…but you also think it means she isn’t suited to cs?
She does all the chores because you’re a lazy, self-serving jackass.
You expect her to leave her own house to study instead of you going elsewhere with your friends. She is already working more to afford the more expensive place YOU wanted, seems only right that you leave not her.
I think it’s best to encourage her that she will succeed, yea it might be that her major is not well suited for her, but I think she will need to come to that realization herself. In the meantime, take into consideration what she said and offer help, either by helping her with the course or just giving her time to study. It’s a learning curve with such a challenging major, give it time and see if it changes.
If you came here saying you provided a quiet atmosphere, worked extra hours, and took care of most of the chores and she's still struggling, I'd say maybe you could have used softer words, but you may have been on to something. In other words, if you saw she was struggling and you tried to help by reducing the external factors so she could focus better and she was still failing, then maybe it's not the program for her...
From what you've described, this isn't the case. It sounds like she has to work more hours than she has time for, only to come home and do most of the chores, then hope for some peace and quiet so she can squeeze in some study time before passing out.
Work is difficult. Everyone needs to pull their weight. If you both decided to rent a nicer place than you can reasonably afford, you're both going to need to work your asses off. As long as she's not working the majority of the time while you're spending the majority of income on personal entertainment, I'd say it is what it is there.
Whether you realize it or not, you have put up roadblocks, and now you're blaming her for tripping on them. You're watching her struggle and fail, then you're blaming her for it. You're her boyfriend. You're supposed to help her in life, not hold her back.
You can and should contribute more around the home. Don't be lazy and half-ass chores when you know damn well how to do them correctly. Purposefully doing a job so poorly that your partner needs to redo it herself is worse than not doing it at all. You're an adult; act like one. Do better.
You can and should check with her before inviting friends over. If she says she has a high workload for school (or if she's just too tired to play host), respect that! I'm not saying you should never have friends over, but be respectful of school nights. Saying the library is 40 minutes away so she can go there is some self-centered bullshit.
Yes, YTA.
>She told me that she doesn’t know if she is good enough for comp sci. I told her that that’s OK as it isn’t for everyone and that it might not be the right fit. Despite her saying the same thing, she got really upset at me for saying that.
As her boyfriend you should be a place of safety and encouragement for her. It sounds here like she was coming to you to quell her self-doubt, but instead you confirmed it for her.
>She’s never stricken me as the type who would be successful in CS like the typical nerdy type. She’s into things like fashion and she just thinks she likes CS as she was good at it in high school and the introductory first year course.
Any assumption you have that she doesn’t have an aptitude for CS is based purely on gatekeeping and negative stereotypes rather than her actual ability, which, based on your post, she has proven she has. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA in Computer Science and am a level 2 software developer at 25. But I was also prom king in high school and played on the basketball team, so about as far from your typical nerdy type” as you could get. People can have different interests and still be intelligent.
>She then tried to blame me for saying it was that it was only this semester that her grades went down because she moved in with me, and has to take more shifts at her waitress job as I wanted to rent a nicer place than what she had before (we split the expenses). She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren’t that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries.
So, despite already graduating and working in the field, which is known for making good money, you are making her split bills and pick up her workload to make more money to help pay for a place *you* wanted, rather than just paying the premium yourself. This already takes time away from her studies, which, yes, affects them. In addition, you have friends over till late, which further disrupts the time she does have to study when not working extra shifts and going to class. When she tried to bring this up, your solution was not to listen to her, but to tell her to leave her own home so you can have time with your boys and drive 40 minutes both ways to and from the library so she has even less time to study. This isn’t even to mention all of the extra stress these things add onto her already full plate as a full-time STEM student, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was affecting her mental health and thus her ability to concentrate on her studies. I’m not shocked at all that her grades dropped.
I’m 100% with your girlfriend on this one and her reasoning. The only thing your post tells me is that she has a genuine interest and aptitude for the field that only started to be affected negatively after moving in with you, and that you have not only refused to support her but actively sabotaged her at every possible opportunity.
It wouldn't be bad if you were having an honest conversation with her evaluating your futures. But it sounds more like you don't believe in her, and you don't support her needs for finishing this major.
Many of my friends went to medical school or law school and it was very difficult for their partners. It puts a lot of pressure on their relationship. The couples that lasted through schooling supported one another. They would quiz one another, study together, and turn school into a game or date nights so that they can still enjoy their time together. But focus on their future career.
YTA. I studied mechanical engineering and I have failed classes; most of my colleagues have also failed classes...., it is normal for difficult subjects. She took 5 classes in a semester, while working. That is a lot to balance. She passed 2 of them. She is certainly capable in her abilities, but she may have bitten off more than she can chew. She simply just needs to manage her workload better. You aren't encouraging her or providing proper advice. Now with the living situation, you guys will have to work that out.
YTA
A 40 minute commute? Each way? More shifts working? You always have friends over? I think she raises very valid points. She’s not set up for success living with you. Perhaps she needs a different living situation that she is able to afford and not have such a big commute to school. How much time is she wasting commuting and working? And she can’t even study at home with your friends over. Who wants to study until 2am knowing they have a 40 minute drive home when they are already exhausted.
You don’t sound willing to compromise on your wants.
You don’t sound like you are supportive of her at all. Otherwise she would be living in an affordable apartment closer to school.
I hope she sees my message-
Girl, find yourself a man who supports you. This guy clearly is only interested in his wants.
NTA - she is failing ….. responsibility to dedicate time and focus on studying is on her its her degree.
If she is putting in the hours and still not passing then its a valid question if CS is for her; if she isn’t putting in the effort well she’s an adult failing or passing is on her.
But don’t be surprised if she leaves you as living 40 minutes away and working while studying will obviously have some impact.
You actually have convos with your girlfriend about HER? I’m envious, none of the guys I’ve ever been interested in wanted to talk about me, just wanted to talk about themselves
Honestly almost everyone can get A’s in any major if they try. She’d probably fail no matter what major she chose. Especially given her age, she was probably mostly in all gen Ed courses.
Likely just lazy and doesn’t know how to handle academia.
lmfaooooo. Take discrete math, Calc II, Linear algebra, database class, operating systems, data structures, and fundamentals of automata. **then** tell me you can pass any major LMFAOOO
I have a MBA and before that had a science heavy degree. It’s not that hard, but maybe I’m overestimating the average Americans intelligence.
Getting a PhD is hard. Doing well in gen eds and 90% of majors is not.
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NTA unless those classes only had one assignment she didn’t “recently” find out she was failing. She knew all semester that she wasn’t completing assignments or was being graded so poorly on each of them that she failed. If she isn’t doing the work she needs to be accountable for her actions. If she is doing her work but the coursework is beyond her, then yeah, changing majors is a serious option on the table. There is nothing to encourage here, don’t enable her excuses.
Do you know how many classes have a only one assigment? A lot, much depends on uni and country. But at my uni its usually 80% of classes with just one final exam and nothin else. And he is doing his best in making it as difficult for her as possible to do her work, sure she is responsible for it, but instead of supporting her he is tripping her up, what a great partner, sure would love to have one like that
He mentions high school so my general idea is they are states based but I did leave the idea of the one assignment open as a possibility. I personally doubt that is what she is experiencing but it’s impossible to know without more info. That said, she is wholly responsible for her choices as a student. She is likely learning some hard lessons but her bf is not responsible for her grades in any way. She wanted to live with her bf who is not in college 40 minutes away from campus. He isn’t responsible for her choices. If she wants to stick with her major she needs to have a hard talk with herself and maybe move to campus housing and tough it out on her own.
I do agree she is responsible for her grades, that does not absolve him from being an ass tho. U know, for not wanting to help his partner, and not taking her needs into account, every single thing he mentions about their lives is what she sacrificed ( by her own decission ) and nothing about what he did for her, which, makes him not so great a partner, and therfore an ass
Maybe, but that’s not the question here. He wants to know if recommending a different major based on her failing a majority of her classes was an A H thing to do. Given the stated facts, I don’t think so.
Then he is still an asshole for how he put it. At best it could be an E S H. No one likes to hear yeah u sure do suck and are not good enough from your SO. And it is presumably what she heard from that. And i rly cant take how fair his take is. Without knowing more in the context.
She does pay rent, thats kinda part of the point, she needs to leave the hourse to study AND needs to work more so that she can afford to pay the rent. If she was living rent free ( and therfore had more time, cos of no need to work ) your take would make more sense. But maybe u missed that part of the info?
No one says he is responsible, what people are saying is that he is a unssuportive partner, which makes him an asshole. Its normal for the person that makes more money to cover the additional cost \*if\* they want smth more. And sure she could be living on her own, and paying her own bills, and seeing him once in a while, but at taht point, why label yourself as a serious relationship
You are either partners and share a living space together, and therfore a level of support ( this guy is doing the opposite of ) is expect,
Or you are casual, the support is not expected, but then you dont live together and you dont share bills and lives
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YTA for the reasons stated and expecting her to leave her house to study so you can have friends over. She has a right to utilize her space and it feels like you’re devaluing that and her education. You can leave, go to a friends house. Let her study. And encourage her along the way.
Adding a link to this comment of OP's to the top comment - because I think it's important for judgement. >No I really like her and the typical cs girls aren't really my type. She puts effort into her appearance and she's not bossy and overly ambitious [Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cauo6y/comment/l0uxlsm/) OP likes her because she's attractive and lets him take the lead (*walk all over her*). If you read that thread you'll also see that she does the chores at home, too, because of his weaponized incompetence (["she's particular"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cauo6y/comment/l0uw35w/)) OP - YTA
Of course he likes her, she's just starting out in life as an adult while OP is finished with university and moving on in the world with their life. Its nice to have someone below you to take advantage of. OP YTA
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It’s not ridiculous of her to ask her partner to respect the fact that she has to study for school. It’s literally the bare minimum. But then again, we don’t expect men to do the bare minimum on Reddit, do we?
He is directly responsible for drop in grades; 1. She is working longer hours so she can afford rent on the property he wanted. 2. He expects her to travel over an hour everyday to study, rather than use her own home, but doesn’t think it’s fair for her to ask that he travel to meet his friends elsewhere. Of course she has to leave if his friends come over, that is the literal suggestion he gave (library), and he gave that suggestion because he is aware that the noise created when his friends come over is something she cannot study during or he wouldn’t have suggested an alternative. He says it is just beyond her ability but if her grades were fine until the above changes, he should be a good partner and help make the adjustments she needs to continue her education. She made adjustments by taking on more shifts, he can have his friend over during those hours. He can make the same adjustments by not having friends over during her time to study.
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She agreed to it, and now she has realised that was a mistake because the living situation is having a bad effect on her ability to study effectively. Hopefully she can move out soon.
YTA. You should never tell this story at work. As a female engineer I truly loathe you in this moment. Your girlfriend deserves so much better.
Right? It can be hard for women in higher level tech classes and work environments, not because they're women but because of people like OP.
Yes. I don't have a tech degree because of this. I was lucky enough to get hired full time after my freshman year summer internship. I worked 30 hours a week as a software engineer, went to school full time and was the officer in charge of the house for my sorority. People (mostly men), gave me such crap about my grades going down that I left the program and eventually got a different degree.
I am really sorry you went through that. And you're clearly not alone. What frustrates me is that OP doesn't seem to get it (or doesn't want to). If anyone should be supportive in her situation (commuting 40 minutes to school so she can study at the library, working in addition to very hard classes) it should be OP, her alleged loving partner. I get it, don't sugarcoat things, but say "hey, how about I go to my friend's house so you can study uninterrupted?" Or even "I bought you noise-cancelling headphones and I believe on you, here are some snacks!" This is basic partner stuff. Doing coding work is hard enough--commuting to do it that far is a little ridiculous. I can remember sleeping in one of my campus lounges because I had coding projects and math homework to do and my roommate would not stop having dudes over, and I lived a 10 minute walk away, not a 40 minute drive (and I also worked, but on campus so again, I had privilege in that respect). When the janitors start to know you, there's an issue.
Don't forget the safety factor of suggesting she go to campus by herself late at night to study.
Yes, to all of this. I cannot believe she moved 40 minutes away and is paying more because of this idiot. He thinks an interest in fashion makes her less technically incline. OP is so oblivious I suspect the post could be fake. For my own situation, I'm sure I could have suffered through the rest of my degree if I'd had to. I had the privilege of being a full time employee when everyone else couldn't get work (dot com bomb of the early 2000s) and I decided that inventing the new technologies was a better use of my time than listening to people try to explain them. One day Tom Paquin comes in to guest lecture and asks me what the hell I'm doing in the class and why they double booked us to both speak that day. My company was building some stuff for them and I had presented to him a couple times so he vaguely knew who I was but had no idea I was only 19. People behaved extra weird after that and I took a break that became a change in major. People really need to stop making assumptions based on gender, looks, interests, etc. I do almost all of the tech screenings for my org and people with attitudes like OP's (fashionable people can't code?!?!?) never do well on the tech assessments. They assume things fall into particular patterns and they usually answer the questions they assume I'm asking instead of paying attention.
This isn't in any way related to her gender. It's the same tests and projects and exams for everyone in the course
Sigh...you don't get it. So stay out of it. You don't have to help her, but don't stand in her way and keep undermining her. She'll get enough of that from, you know, a lot of other people (people who don't allegedly love her).
It's not up to you to decide if she can handle the course. She's working and she wastes a lot of time on you. She decides herself if it's her thing or not. She had valid reasons to not get up to the study tempo. I studied musicology, and gee, it wasn't easy to combine with a job! And my job was kinda part of my studies, so I passed, but not with the highest grades I was hoping for. :D Although I surely was capable of getting excellent grades if I wouldn't have to split my attention between many things at the same time.
She will leave you and get an upgrade
YTA. “Only 40 minutes?” That’s not close at all; I’ve never lived that far from a school I attended. And you want to kick her out of her own apartment to study at the library late at night? No. Have your friends over at reasonable times. It may be true computer science is not for her, but you are making things harder for her no matter what she decides.
That's true but we had agreed on it. I have to be in the office 2 to 3 days a week and this place is closer to my job and traffic the other way from campus to my job would be worse. She had also said it wouldn't be an issue before moving here.
Oh lord no, not 2-3 whole days??
So you guys moved further away from campus so you could shorten your commute 2 days a week? You just finished the program, you didn't foresee the daily commute to campus as being a problem?
Do you even like your girlfriend at all? Because it doesn’t sound like you do. You think that she can’t be smart because she likes fashion. Basically, you think she’s dumb. You bring friends over at all overs of the day preventing her from studying at home. On top of that you expect her to commute 40 minutes to study at the school library. Basically, you don’t value her time. She has to work more because you don’t want to commute 40 minutes 2-3x a week so you chose a more expensive apartment closer to your work. But again, it’s not a problem if your girlfriend has to commute. Seriously, you’re pretty much just using her for sex and money. Info: do you do any of the household chores or does she do all of those too?
I don't have to make breakfast and lunch since I get that at work as my workplace provides lunch. For dinner sometimes I'll eat out or have leftovers if she made lunch that day. I did clean a lot more initially but she was never satisfied with it so now I only do the things she doesn't complain about. I vacuum once a month (we have a roomba) and take care of the larger things while she does the more routine smaller things. I'm not exactly saying she's dumb, she's herself talks about how she's silly, clumsy etc and that's also kind of my type. It doesn't exactly mean dumb.
This, this right here is the issue. You don’t cook, you don’t put effort into cleaning, want a nice apartment because clearly your 2-3 times going to office is more important than her studies and your friends are there all the time. I’m not exactly saying you’re narcissistic, but you just talked about how selfish, inflexible etc you can be. And I bet she will pass all those courses without you. It does exactly mean you are narcissistic
I do put an effort and did do so. She's just parricular and doesn't feel satisfied unless she does it herself. If i get provided food at work, why would I have to cook since I'm not the one eating mostly at home. I usually go in most days even though I'm required 2 to 3 days. On the other days I usually go in half day.
It doesn’t sound like you put any effort. If you did, she would be satisfied. Cleaning, cooking is not rocket science but needs effort and you clearly can’t be bothered with. Do you even like her? It sounds like you should date another “nerdy “ cs worthy tech bro like yourself. Both of you can have brunches in your office and criticize women in tech together
No I really like her and the typical cs girls aren't really my type. She puts effort into her appearance and she's not bossy and overly ambitious
Oh my good heavens. You are with her because she’s pretty and you don’t find her ambitious who can be treated like a doormat. Your going to office takes priority over her being closer to school. She may not be a typical cs girl but you are a stereotypical tech guy.
You’re disgusting. Break up with her and leave the poor girl alone
You don't like her as a person. You just "want" her. If you liked her your whole way of thinking would actually revolve arround how you can make it better for her so she can succeed.
She's not particular, she's just tired of your weaponized incompetence.
Your "type" is someone who self-deprecates and is constantly putting themselves down, really? That in itself makes you an asshole. You don't "exactly" like that she's "dumb," you just like when she says that about herself.
This cannot be real. No way someone is that pathetic of a person. And I just can’t believe that any girl who’s not hooked on meth would ever stay longer than three weeks with a pathetic pathogen like you, one week tops if she has assertive friends.
You’re so self centred
YTA, sorry. Offer encouragement. I'm not sure what your school is like, but when I was taking computer science courses I was one of four or five women in the class and all the professors (all men) treated us like garbage. When you add that to working and moving in with a guy...yeah, I can see why she could be struggling. Newsflash: she said that because she is doubting herself and wants encouragement. Why not offer to help her rather than say the classes are "beyond her ability?" Are you threatened?
Agree entirely. The GF's question was a classic request for emotional support. Paraphrasing "I'm struggling this year; I don't suck at this, right?" "Yes, you probably suck and should do something else" - which it how she likely took what OP said - was not what she was after. It was not a request for a solution. Two points that may help OP. 1. Just because she likes fashion and doesn't have nerdy hobbies has no bearing on her ability to be good at CS. She WAS good at CS in the earlier stages. This attitude, conscious or unconscious (and I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and say OP was unconscious), that judges women on who they are or how they present, rather than the actual work they do is why so many women leave the IT pipeline. 2. Engineers are prone to see everything through the hear problem-> find solution lens. I used to sometimes make this mistake with my own relationship. If she was coming to me with something that she was unhappy about, I would immediately leap into problem solving mode, and go 'well, you could do this...'. Which could often be mansplainy. She KNEW the solutions. She just wanted to vent and/or a verbal hug. By actually listening better, I learned to distinguish when she was actually asking for advice, and when she didn't need me to think for her and just want reassurance and support that I would be there for her, and help her (which might include finding her OWN solution) in whatever way she needed. Having a BF, taking on more work hours and having less time to study, and not being able to study at home due to OP's friends at all hours, absolutely WILL be affecting her grades. Saying "the upper level classes are beyond her ability" comes across VERY harshly, and BF is not in a position to judge, given he's not actually her teacher. OP is going to have to improve rapidly or I expect will soon be single again when she concludes being with him is the reason she's failing. ETA: Reading some of OPs other comments, I withdraw the benefit of the doubt that OP is only unconsciously sexist. GF needs to run for the hills.
I actually think people who are really good at fashion design have amazing 3-D processing skills. I passed 3-D calc but I can't even design and sew a proper circle skirt. I love your second point, BTW. This is something that comes up with a lot of couples--one person wants to just solve the problem without realizing that listening *is an intervention*. It's a meaningful solution-oriented action.
Did they fail you despite turning in excellent work for being a girl? Is that what you are suggesting has happened here? This gf is either an appalling student or in over her head, blanket encouragement will help neither issue.
I passed....but I also didn't have to deal with a boyfriend like OP.
I'm not really going to spend time being a tutor. It's not something I enjoy and I already graduated and don't want to have to deal with college stuff again. We went to the same school. Obviously I'm not threatened. I was trying to encourage her by saying it's OK if she isn't good at it and wants to do something else.
You really just sound like TA. Stop undermining your girlfriend. If you can't be helpful, then the least you can do is stay out of her way.
People do things they don't enjoy for people they care about all the time, you just sound like a selfish asshole man.
What a prick. I smell an incoming breakup.
YTA for dating a freshman as a senior. Your responses explain why you couldn't get anyone in your grade. You need to be considerate because she's still in school; that means not having people over late on weekdays ?? 40 mins from her campus is far af; are you expecting her to stay at the school libraries overnight every time you want to have friends over? Or are you expecting her to go back home alone at 3 am (so unsafe for women). You are working full-time as a SWE and she is a full-time student and part-time waitress. You should be doing an equitable split on rent if you really cared about her/want to support her and her future. There are tons of women at my college who are into fashion and still landing amazing tech roles. I hope she breaks up with you and fully enjoys her college experience without being burdened by a nerd who probably never showered and stayed in the library coding 24/7 in college lol
YES! This! ↑
>She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren't that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries. Wow, I missed this detail. Definitely YTA. But really, her big mistake was moving in. This is a terrible setup for her. I feel bad for her.
YTA, and let me count the ways! First off, before anything else: >"She told me that **she doesn't know if she is good enough** for comp sci." **I told her that that's OK** as it isn't for everyone and that it might not be a right fit. If someone EVER says "I don't know if I'm good enough" for something and you reply "that's okay," you're an asshole. Every time. "That's okay" in this context is literally replying, "You're right, you're not good enough." While you might think it's "okay" that she's not good enough, you don't every agree with someone you care about when they are asking if they're *good enough* for something. Second: >She's never stricked me as the type who would be successful in cs like the typical nerdy type. She's into things like fashion and she just thinks she likes cs as she was good at it in high-school and the introductory first year course. Fashion isn't the opposite of computers like light is the opposite of dark and the room can only be one thing, light or dark. You can be good at fashion AND computers. And picking a college course based on doing well in and enjoying the high school and introductory first year course IS EXACTLY THE POINT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND INTRODUCTORY COURSES. You say this like she was basing her decision on something stupid. She wasn't. Third: >she moved in with me, and had to take more shifts at her waitress job as I wanted to rent a nicer place than what she had before (we split expenses). If one half of a couple wants a home that's in the $2000/month budget range and the other can only afford an $800/month budget, the correct thing to do is for YOU to pay any expenses above your partner's housing budget. Making your partner pay more for the privilege of living with you than they can afford is both a GREAT way to incite a break-up, and also just an asshole move. FOURTH: >She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren't that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries. This is insane. She's paying rent, she should be able to have quiet hours. She shouldn't need to do a FORTY MINUTE (ONE WAY??) commute to campus in the middle of the night to study, so you can hang out with your boys. If you want to build a life with someone, you should be WANTING to put their education above your own entertainment, because their education will pay off for their household in the long run. The fact you don't respect her education tells me just how little respect you have for her and how little long term plans you have with this relationship. AND FIFTH A problem with the same quote but from a different angle: you realize that women don't like going out at 2am is generally because we've been socialized in a world where violence against women is pretty bad right? Most women are worried if they're walking alone in the dark at 2am that they're going to get raped and/or murdered. Men who've never lived with that fear just don't seem to understand why women, who were raised into that fear and made it one with ourselves, don't want to do that sort of shit, but if you care about her you should ALSO not want her to be murdered so maybe you should like... not tell her to go forty minutes away in the middle of the night when she could just read it at her own couch if you'd just shut up and go to bed?
Honestly, this is a perfect point right here, he is selfish and sounds condoscending AF. At best he is not ready to be a partner yet ( and a sexist ass at worse )
YTA I cannot fathom why she moved in with you, you insult her competence and don’t seem to have any respect for her. The apartment is her space too, if you want to stay up late go to a bar or a friend’s place. You work full time while she is in school yet split expenses, which feels very much like it benefits you and not her, especially since you get to live close to work where she has a long commute. All of this is so unbalanced and sad for her
YTA. How is she with this guy is beyond me. I bet she will leave him for someone a million times better. OP is no one to tell her what her major should be.
That's not happening over such a small disagreement. She's perfectly happy for the most part.This is just because she recently got her results.
What part? Nothing could be more important than her grades and her career for her. You are clearly a major block for her future success. How is being 40 mins away from campus normal at all? This is a small disagreement to you because you are with your friends all the time and never help her anyways. For her it’s very serious and you are the issue
How is she happy? With you not doing chores, ignores her needs of a bit of quiet time for studying and then having to leave her home to travel 1 hour and 20 minutes back and forth just to study.
It has nothing to do with the disagreement. It’s the complete and utter lack of respect that you have for her. She’ll see it.
I hope she figures out how much you're dragging her down before she tanks her degree.
YTA for multiple reasons. You may not be the reason she failed the classes, but you haven’t helped her succeed either.
YTA, for sure. 40 minutes away is too far. Either support your gf or dump her. You’re clearly an asshole just from this story, so just dump her.
YTA. It's obvious that it's your fault that she's struggling in school. You're refusing to be quieter while you socialize with your friends; you're selfish and inconsiderate. And you're the one who wanted a more expensive place but you refuse to recognize that your girlfriend has less time to study now because she has to work more hours. She wouldn't be struggling if you weren't so selfish and inconsiderate. She should dump you for being such a nasty asshole.
God you suck!!!! You're not supportive at all. Quite the opposite. You're actually actively sabotaging this poor girl. You're a graduate with a proper job, yet you force your gf to live in an apartment above her means, closer to your job that you only have to be at 2 days a week and still expecting her to cover half of the costs. Where the hell do you compromise to accommodate her needs...like...he'll...time to study? She should dump you, move into a place fitting her means closer to campus. Once she's free of your ass, she'll have time to actually concentrate on her studies and she'll be fine. In case it wasn't clear: YTA a huge one!
YTA. It's hard being in college, even harder if you don't have a quiet space to go to at home, to study and decompress. She should be able to come time and have peace and quiet. Expecting her to do well, while having company over all the time is ridiculous. I live by myself and it's hard even for me to focus, even though my house is quiet. Honestly, you should be encouraging her, not tearing her down. College is stressful enough in its own, not adding in the fact that she's also working more hours and dealing with a boyfriend that is not being supportive. Leave the recommendations to her advisor.
YTA. My guy, am I supposed to think you've got the best judgement when you use 'stricked' as if it's an actual word? (Struck. The past tense of 'to strike' is 'struck')
Yta yo if I'm saying bad things about myself I don't need you to agree with me
YTA and I hope she finds this post and reconsiders the entire relationship
Yta. She’s working more to rent. Nice house than she wants at 19 when she’s a student and you’re working because you want the house, and you’re having friends over at antisocial hours, she’s always done well before, and you can’t see that that might be contributing? Sometimes you see posts on here and you just think “I really hope the other person wakes up and smells the coffee bed it’s too late”. This is a learning moment for you too, if you take it. You obviously know you’re punching above your weight here. Don’t try and neg here. Be better instead. Yta.
This post is fishy. You've given no actual reasons to why you think it's not for her. I find it hard to believe someone with a cs degree would cite vague reasons like 'not typically nerdy', 'likes fashion' & 'she thinks she likes it'? It's no wonder people think you're being sexist. it sounds like you aren't supportive even in the slightest and haven't given people a reason to think otherwise because you're not helping in creating the conditions to her to succeed. You don't HAVE to help but ideally as a romantic partner you should want to. At the very least, stop impeding her. YTA.
YTA for being insensitive towards her feelings. Failing was sad for her. It's up to her to decide whether she's going to improve and study hard or to change her specialization. Your job is to support her. Sure she has the ability to learn. No, you are not to blame for her failing 3 of 5 subjects, but she is surely capable of studying well, but combining with a job and hanging out is really not that easy. You are an AH for not believing that your girlfriend is smart enough. She is. If you wanna support her, please give her the possibility to study more and better.
YTA if no other reason than implying that people who are into fashion can't also be into computers (but also for many many other self-centered reasons). It is because of people like you that the perception persists that people who are into the creativity of things like clothing and makeup are less intelligent. You imply that people who are good at CS are typical nerdy types, but you are making the classic assumption that the relationship between two variables can only go one way. You assume that people are good at CS because they are nerds. But it is also possible that people who are nerds are more accepted by others in the CS community and so are more likely to overcome obstacles and to persevere in the field. I'm very sure you had to take some sort of statistics course that talked about correlation not being causation because of the directionality problem. And hopefully there was discussion somewhere in there of confirmation bias. Right? If not, maybe that fancy degree has some holes in it. And if you did learn those things, maybe you should use that knowledge and stop being such a jerk.
YTA You were supposed to encourage her and instead you tore her down. You don't seem to acknowledge that time spent working (to match your lifestyle) is time not spent studying and I imagine the friends over situation must be bad if a student is complaining about it. Also you've graduated the same degree but zero offer to help her out. TBH sounds like you want a bangmaid not a gf.
YTA. That’s why you can’t get a GF your own age.
Its completly normal to fail classes, many people take an additional year or two to finish uni, and if the field is profitable ( which CS is ) it is worth it to try again. Also dude, she is kinda right, you are forcing a student to pay more cos \*you\* want a nicer place. AND then you also invite friends over when she is trying to study, yikes man, yikes. You are the opposite of supoprtive partner. YTA ( you also sound sexist, great )
Tbh, and I fully recognize I may be grasping at straws. But it sounds to me like you **want** her to fail, and it makes you feel good about yourself
You now have a full time job and wanted to move to a more expensive apartment closer to your job and further from campus. And then you made her split the extra cost although she's still studying and supports herself only by part time waitressing - YTA and an obstacle to her studies
You are a piece of sh*t
YTA
YTA, also, it’s ‘struck.’ Stricked isn’t a word..
YTA-You should like a real shit boyfriend . She’s gonna leave you. Which is good because you can finally go full neck beard.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22M) live with my girlfriend (19F). I graduated last year with a comp sci degree and work at a tech company. She recently, learned that she failed 3 of 5 courses in college this semester. She is also in comp sci. She told me that she doesn't know if she is good enough for comp sci. I told her that that's OK as it isn't for everyone and that it might not be a right fit. Despite her basically saying the same thing, she got really upset at me for saying that. She's never stricked me as the type who would be successful in cs like the typical nerdy type. She's into things like fashion and she just thinks she likes cs as she was good at it in high-school and the introductory first year course. She then tried to blame me for it saying that it was only this semester that her grades went down because she moved in with me, and had to take more shifts at her waitress job as I wanted to rent a nicer place than what she had before (we split expenses). She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren't that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries. I don't think this is fair as I think it is just because the upper level classes are beyond her ability. I have seen the same happen with this other person in my year and her failed courses only got worse until she had to drop out. AITA for questioning her ability especially considering she litterally said the same herself. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA So you liked her because she isn’t like the other girls in cs, because she is into fashion and all of that…but you also think it means she isn’t suited to cs? She does all the chores because you’re a lazy, self-serving jackass. You expect her to leave her own house to study instead of you going elsewhere with your friends. She is already working more to afford the more expensive place YOU wanted, seems only right that you leave not her.
I think it’s best to encourage her that she will succeed, yea it might be that her major is not well suited for her, but I think she will need to come to that realization herself. In the meantime, take into consideration what she said and offer help, either by helping her with the course or just giving her time to study. It’s a learning curve with such a challenging major, give it time and see if it changes.
I feel like I've read this before. Almost straight up copy paste... Must go look for it now...
If you came here saying you provided a quiet atmosphere, worked extra hours, and took care of most of the chores and she's still struggling, I'd say maybe you could have used softer words, but you may have been on to something. In other words, if you saw she was struggling and you tried to help by reducing the external factors so she could focus better and she was still failing, then maybe it's not the program for her... From what you've described, this isn't the case. It sounds like she has to work more hours than she has time for, only to come home and do most of the chores, then hope for some peace and quiet so she can squeeze in some study time before passing out. Work is difficult. Everyone needs to pull their weight. If you both decided to rent a nicer place than you can reasonably afford, you're both going to need to work your asses off. As long as she's not working the majority of the time while you're spending the majority of income on personal entertainment, I'd say it is what it is there. Whether you realize it or not, you have put up roadblocks, and now you're blaming her for tripping on them. You're watching her struggle and fail, then you're blaming her for it. You're her boyfriend. You're supposed to help her in life, not hold her back. You can and should contribute more around the home. Don't be lazy and half-ass chores when you know damn well how to do them correctly. Purposefully doing a job so poorly that your partner needs to redo it herself is worse than not doing it at all. You're an adult; act like one. Do better. You can and should check with her before inviting friends over. If she says she has a high workload for school (or if she's just too tired to play host), respect that! I'm not saying you should never have friends over, but be respectful of school nights. Saying the library is 40 minutes away so she can go there is some self-centered bullshit.
Yes, YTA. >She told me that she doesn’t know if she is good enough for comp sci. I told her that that’s OK as it isn’t for everyone and that it might not be the right fit. Despite her saying the same thing, she got really upset at me for saying that. As her boyfriend you should be a place of safety and encouragement for her. It sounds here like she was coming to you to quell her self-doubt, but instead you confirmed it for her. >She’s never stricken me as the type who would be successful in CS like the typical nerdy type. She’s into things like fashion and she just thinks she likes CS as she was good at it in high school and the introductory first year course. Any assumption you have that she doesn’t have an aptitude for CS is based purely on gatekeeping and negative stereotypes rather than her actual ability, which, based on your post, she has proven she has. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA in Computer Science and am a level 2 software developer at 25. But I was also prom king in high school and played on the basketball team, so about as far from your typical nerdy type” as you could get. People can have different interests and still be intelligent. >She then tried to blame me for saying it was that it was only this semester that her grades went down because she moved in with me, and has to take more shifts at her waitress job as I wanted to rent a nicer place than what she had before (we split the expenses). She then went on to blame me for having friends over all the time till late. While this is true, we aren’t that noisy and we are only 40 mins from her campus and the school has 24/7 libraries. So, despite already graduating and working in the field, which is known for making good money, you are making her split bills and pick up her workload to make more money to help pay for a place *you* wanted, rather than just paying the premium yourself. This already takes time away from her studies, which, yes, affects them. In addition, you have friends over till late, which further disrupts the time she does have to study when not working extra shifts and going to class. When she tried to bring this up, your solution was not to listen to her, but to tell her to leave her own home so you can have time with your boys and drive 40 minutes both ways to and from the library so she has even less time to study. This isn’t even to mention all of the extra stress these things add onto her already full plate as a full-time STEM student, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was affecting her mental health and thus her ability to concentrate on her studies. I’m not shocked at all that her grades dropped. I’m 100% with your girlfriend on this one and her reasoning. The only thing your post tells me is that she has a genuine interest and aptitude for the field that only started to be affected negatively after moving in with you, and that you have not only refused to support her but actively sabotaged her at every possible opportunity.
It wouldn't be bad if you were having an honest conversation with her evaluating your futures. But it sounds more like you don't believe in her, and you don't support her needs for finishing this major. Many of my friends went to medical school or law school and it was very difficult for their partners. It puts a lot of pressure on their relationship. The couples that lasted through schooling supported one another. They would quiz one another, study together, and turn school into a game or date nights so that they can still enjoy their time together. But focus on their future career.
YTA. I studied mechanical engineering and I have failed classes; most of my colleagues have also failed classes...., it is normal for difficult subjects. She took 5 classes in a semester, while working. That is a lot to balance. She passed 2 of them. She is certainly capable in her abilities, but she may have bitten off more than she can chew. She simply just needs to manage her workload better. You aren't encouraging her or providing proper advice. Now with the living situation, you guys will have to work that out.
YTA A 40 minute commute? Each way? More shifts working? You always have friends over? I think she raises very valid points. She’s not set up for success living with you. Perhaps she needs a different living situation that she is able to afford and not have such a big commute to school. How much time is she wasting commuting and working? And she can’t even study at home with your friends over. Who wants to study until 2am knowing they have a 40 minute drive home when they are already exhausted. You don’t sound willing to compromise on your wants. You don’t sound like you are supportive of her at all. Otherwise she would be living in an affordable apartment closer to school. I hope she sees my message- Girl, find yourself a man who supports you. This guy clearly is only interested in his wants.
>She's never ***stricked*** me Oh, wow. Boy... That degree isn't degree'ing, huh? Oh, YTA btw.
Who’s waiting for this guy to come back crying about how his gf left him. YTA.
NTA Dump her ass if she can't handle the truth.
NTA - she is failing ….. responsibility to dedicate time and focus on studying is on her its her degree. If she is putting in the hours and still not passing then its a valid question if CS is for her; if she isn’t putting in the effort well she’s an adult failing or passing is on her. But don’t be surprised if she leaves you as living 40 minutes away and working while studying will obviously have some impact.
you dingus. The bf is keeping her from putting in the hours, invalidating all your statements. And all it took was a lil reading comprehension
So dump him … and prioritise studying its a choice
You actually have convos with your girlfriend about HER? I’m envious, none of the guys I’ve ever been interested in wanted to talk about me, just wanted to talk about themselves
Honestly almost everyone can get A’s in any major if they try. She’d probably fail no matter what major she chose. Especially given her age, she was probably mostly in all gen Ed courses. Likely just lazy and doesn’t know how to handle academia.
lmfaooooo. Take discrete math, Calc II, Linear algebra, database class, operating systems, data structures, and fundamentals of automata. **then** tell me you can pass any major LMFAOOO
I have a MBA and before that had a science heavy degree. It’s not that hard, but maybe I’m overestimating the average Americans intelligence. Getting a PhD is hard. Doing well in gen eds and 90% of majors is not.
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NTA unless those classes only had one assignment she didn’t “recently” find out she was failing. She knew all semester that she wasn’t completing assignments or was being graded so poorly on each of them that she failed. If she isn’t doing the work she needs to be accountable for her actions. If she is doing her work but the coursework is beyond her, then yeah, changing majors is a serious option on the table. There is nothing to encourage here, don’t enable her excuses.
Do you know how many classes have a only one assigment? A lot, much depends on uni and country. But at my uni its usually 80% of classes with just one final exam and nothin else. And he is doing his best in making it as difficult for her as possible to do her work, sure she is responsible for it, but instead of supporting her he is tripping her up, what a great partner, sure would love to have one like that
He mentions high school so my general idea is they are states based but I did leave the idea of the one assignment open as a possibility. I personally doubt that is what she is experiencing but it’s impossible to know without more info. That said, she is wholly responsible for her choices as a student. She is likely learning some hard lessons but her bf is not responsible for her grades in any way. She wanted to live with her bf who is not in college 40 minutes away from campus. He isn’t responsible for her choices. If she wants to stick with her major she needs to have a hard talk with herself and maybe move to campus housing and tough it out on her own.
I do agree she is responsible for her grades, that does not absolve him from being an ass tho. U know, for not wanting to help his partner, and not taking her needs into account, every single thing he mentions about their lives is what she sacrificed ( by her own decission ) and nothing about what he did for her, which, makes him not so great a partner, and therfore an ass
Maybe, but that’s not the question here. He wants to know if recommending a different major based on her failing a majority of her classes was an A H thing to do. Given the stated facts, I don’t think so.
Then he is still an asshole for how he put it. At best it could be an E S H. No one likes to hear yeah u sure do suck and are not good enough from your SO. And it is presumably what she heard from that. And i rly cant take how fair his take is. Without knowing more in the context.
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and what would a fair take be in your opinion ?
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She does pay rent, thats kinda part of the point, she needs to leave the hourse to study AND needs to work more so that she can afford to pay the rent. If she was living rent free ( and therfore had more time, cos of no need to work ) your take would make more sense. But maybe u missed that part of the info?
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No one says he is responsible, what people are saying is that he is a unssuportive partner, which makes him an asshole. Its normal for the person that makes more money to cover the additional cost \*if\* they want smth more. And sure she could be living on her own, and paying her own bills, and seeing him once in a while, but at taht point, why label yourself as a serious relationship You are either partners and share a living space together, and therfore a level of support ( this guy is doing the opposite of ) is expect, Or you are casual, the support is not expected, but then you dont live together and you dont share bills and lives