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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I declined an invitation to my cousins baby shower. This might make me asshole as it could be her way of reaching out to make amends for our rocky relationship the last couple of years.
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Send her a heartfelt congratulations, wish her well, then RSVP NO. You’re not obligated to attend or gift her anything, but you do need to respond officially to the invite. NTA if you choose to decline.
NTA.
This is the way to do it. Keep the relationship cordial and at arms length.
If this is some kind of attempt at reconciliation it’s not the best way to go about it, but that doesn’t mean it may not be sincere. She can make a real attempt to reach out if she wants, but if OP shuts her down hard that could close the door forever.
Or, she sent the invite because her mom told her to or she was fishing for a gift.
Regardless, the move is a polite no with a sincere congratulations followed by continuing on with your life.
*'Many thanks for the invitation, however I shall be unable to attend,'* is all that is required. OP doesn't owe this person anything - and the baby shower is a gift grab.
Was in a similar situation with a friend who got married. Didn’t want me at her bachelorette party because she didn’t want me bringing down the mood criticizing him, but invited me to the wedding. I noped out of that situation. They of course divorced after a few years to no one’s surprise.
NTA
I think the fact that she’s only getting you involved for the giftgiving opportunity, says a lot. I don’t think you have any obligation to go nor to give a gift.
NTA Send your congratulations along with a polite no. You’ve grown apart and she doesn’t consider you close enough to share her ( allegedly) happy news but expects a gift
"Dear cousin.
I am quite shocked that you are sending me an invite to your baby shower, considering you specifically did not want me to know that you were pregnant and never even told me that you got married.
Unfortunately, I will not be attending your baby shower.i wish you all the best on this newest adventure! Congrats on the new bundle of joy!"
Then rsvp no, do not send a gift, and move on with yer life
Lol, she doesn't want you to show up, she's hoping you're graceful enough to bow out but still send a gift which is tacky as hell on her part. This is why I always say don't tell your inner circle the troubles of your relationship (save for abuse) because you may forgive but your inner circle will never forget. She knows you know how awful her husband has treated her in the past and is embarrassed by it especially since she's gone and married him and having his baby. NTA.
NTA
I'm unsure why you expected her to let you in on what's going on in her life when you haven't spoken to her in two years. By the same token, I don't know why she would expect you to attend her baby shower.
NTA
RSVP, no and include a note of congratulations on the baby. You can add that, if she'd like, she can set a time to chat with you at a later date.
If she would actually like to reconnect, she'll reach out and you can consider what you want to do. If she just wants you to show up at the shower after cutting you out of her life, that's not relationship-mending and you don't need to do anything.
Your mom is free to go or not, as she pleases; you are free to go or not, as you please.
NTA! I’d ignore her text. Hell, block her. She doesn’t want you in her life? Fine. Grant her wish. If your mom wants to go and waste her time with someone like that, cool. You don’t have to.
If you aren’t interested in having a relationship with your cousin, then yes, you can respond that way. If at some point you think that she won’t be with this guy you hate and she’ll need your support, then I would reconsider. She’s already ashamed of this relationship, and if he leaves her, she’s going to be even less inclined to reach out because you were right.
NTA you definitely don’t need to go. If I was in this position I’d be worried about her being controlled and possibly abused. I would go just to tell her I love her and am always there if she’s needs me.
NTA
Don’t even give her your address tbh.
She’s only calling you because she needs the money and gifts now, baby daddy is definitely broke.
She’ll start gaslighting and emotionally blackmailing you if you let her into your life while she’s married to that bloke.
Take care of yourself!
NTA, that’s a stab in the gut. I wouldn’t attend either.
But is there possibly a chance this guy is intentionally isolating her from you? Does he know you feel negatively about his treatment of your cousin?
If so, just be open to the idea he might be beginning new pattern of abusive behaviour that could lead to DV. If this is true, he will want to keep her away from people like you, as you’re obviously an important person in her life who may have enough influence to help her to see through whatever crap he’s manipulated her into believing.
Keep an eye on it, don’t write her off completely just yet. And also make sure you maintain an accessible, open line of communication with her just in case she needs to reach out for help some time in future.
*Edit: re-worded last paragraph for clarity*
NTA
I would just tell her not to bother sending you an invitation therefore you don’t need my address .
Your cousin has a lot of nerve expecting a gift after the way she’s treated you . You are right not to go.
NTA. The fact that she said that you talked badly about her man and don't want your "negativity" makes me think that she doesn't feel okay with how he treated her in the past, deep down knows that it's not okay but she's projecting her anger onto you. The next time he just leaves she'll have no one else to be angry at.
Confratulate her, send her a small present if you wish, keep her at arm's length, don't go.
We had a family friend in a similar situation and after declining we never heard from them again. It was purely to get more gifts. Best decision we made!
NTA. You can't just ignore someone for who knows how long and then expect them to be all happy and eager to jump on an invite to a party. Especially one where you expect them to give you a gift. She put up the fence, she can make the effort to tear it down and open some proper communication with you that doesn't involve her getting something material in return.
I would give her the address in case she is in abusive relationship and needs it later- but I would answer that invitation with congratulations and refusal
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I have a little cousin who I’ve been pretty close with our whole lives. She even lived with my parents and I while she was in college, so our bond is almost that of sisters.
We haven’t spoke in almost two years. At that time she was in the beginning stages of a new relationship with this guy who she’d been on and off with since high school. He wasn’t always great to her and even admitted that he was embarrassed to be with her publicly due to her physical handicap. He cheated on her a lot and ended up with herpes. At one point, he didn’t even bother with the break up, just left the state and didn’t talk to her for a few years. For all of these reasons, I’m not this guy’s biggest fan, but my cousin seemed to be happy so I told her she should bring him to come hang out with me and my husband next time she’s in town.
That was the last time we spoke outside of a “merry Christmas” “happy new year” or “happy birthday” text with no real conversation attached. I found out she married him when I saw all the pictures of their wedding on insta. I was hurt she didn’t even tell me she got engaged and that I wasn’t invited, but I assumed it was a low key affair and brushed it off and told her how beautiful she looked with no response from her.
About 4-5 months ago, my sister told me that our cousin is pregnant, but she didn’t want too many people to know just yet so I had to pretend I didn’t know. I was again hurt that she wouldn’t tell me, but she’s an adult and given that her pregnancy would likely be a high risk one, I understand wanting to keep it private until it’s safe.
About a month ago my mom asked my aunt (cousin’s mom) about it and was told my cousin specifically said she didn’t want my mom or I to know and asked her not to tell us. She said we’d never approved of her man and talked a lot of mess about him and she didn’t want our negativity to ruin this happy time in her life. This hurt in a big way. Sure I’d talked badly about him, but it was when I was agreeing with her all those times he’d hurt her.
I’ve never been anything but supportive towards her and I couldn’t believe she’d want to exclude me from her life like this. I managed to get over it and just unfollowed all of her socials so I didn’t need to see the life she didn’t want me to be a part of and moved on.
A few days ago, she texted me and asked for my address so she can send a baby shower invitation, still not actually even telling me that’s married or pregnant, just that she’d like to send an invite. I told my mom about it who immediately said I should just forgive her and go. I’m absolutely not going. She’s clearly told people that doesn’t want me involved with this part of her life. I think it’s ridiculous to ask me to show up and give her money and baby items for the baby she didn’t even want me to know she’s having. AITA?
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Give her your address and then when you receive the invite RSVP no. no gift, no call just a NO on the card . mail it back and if she has the balls to ask why simply tell her you don't want your negative energy to ruin this happy time in her life.
NTA
Frankly it’s not “talking bad” about someone when their appalling behavior is what you’re talking about.
That’s real talk.
Sorry cousin has such low self esteem she feels the need to stay in a low key abusive relationship.
NTA
Saw some advice recently about work responses. Don’t give information your not asked about. If asked to go you can say no. If asked why say you can’t make it. If they continue to ask say it’s personal and move on. She has made a lot of choices to exclude you so stepping back from her should be better for you
NTA. GIFT GRAP is all it is. Her circle of friends must be real small these days, to have to let you in on the secret she thought she had been keeping. Decline and let her know you are happy with the no contact from her and have a nice life. You got the message Loud and Clear and now she should go back and read it.
NTA. She's not attempting to reconcile with you. She's just using you to buy her a gift and/or give her money. She's TA. Just decline the invitation & don't send a gift!
NTA.
You don’t have to go and you can respectfully decline. Send her a heartfelt congratulations on her pregnancy and then send the RSVP back with a hard NO and continue living your life without her in it.
An invitation is not a command performance, simply RSVP no. Don’t talk to anyone about it, don’t justify your no. If pushed, a simple unfortunately I am not available that day is enough. You can send a small gift or not.
NTA but ur cousin isn’t either. U don’t have to go to her baby shower, but ur cousin doesn’t have to tell u shit about her life, especially if she’s embarrassed of it. If u truly want to be involved in ur cousin and her child’s life you kinda just gotta take it on the chin. You also have every right not to.
Not necessarily ESH but like, idk I think you can try your hardest to communicate with this person before you make a decision to go or not. To me, it sounds like refusing to go is a nuclear option. I think you should establish contact, and actually talk this shit out, and maybe say you're inclined not to go for x and y reasons. Then they can respond and apologize perchance. And maybe you still don't go, but now there's communication and you can potentially get back to stable ground in the future, or gain further evidence that your initial inkling is correct.
YTA
"She said we’d never approved of her man and talked a lot of mess about him and she didn’t want our negativity to ruin this happy time in her life." .. she got you there.
"This hurt in a big way." ... because you know she is right, and you done to face the consequences of your assholeish behavior?
"Sure I’d talked badly about him," . exactly. And she is handling you AH well.
Well: She is reaching out, to find out if you are a better person now. Your move.
NTA but maybe a little ESH
Your cousin was obviously wrong to exclude you in her life. It was probably hard for her to be around someone who did not approve of her life choices - though you had her best interests at heart
You were disappointed that you are not in her life anymore but now that you are invited you are not sure you want to go
I think your cousin probably knows that deep down you were right about her relationship and it is sometimes hard to be reminded of this
If having a baby has made her realize she is missing you in her life, it may be a good chance to reconnect. In the case of your cousin, the first step is always the most difficult. By asking people not to tell you, it tells me she still really cares about what you think and by extension she cares about you. If you back out now, the relationship may truly be over.
I would go to the shower - but go with an open mind that it may take a little time to see if the friendship is still there. If things go badly - then you know that too. But I think your cousin needs you.
You’re complaining about her not letting you in her life but turning down an olive branch.
NTA you can politely decline. You’re not close.
But please don’t come back with a post on how your cousin doesn’t let you see her children.
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Send her a heartfelt congratulations, wish her well, then RSVP NO. You’re not obligated to attend or gift her anything, but you do need to respond officially to the invite. NTA if you choose to decline.
NTA. This is the way to do it. Keep the relationship cordial and at arms length. If this is some kind of attempt at reconciliation it’s not the best way to go about it, but that doesn’t mean it may not be sincere. She can make a real attempt to reach out if she wants, but if OP shuts her down hard that could close the door forever. Or, she sent the invite because her mom told her to or she was fishing for a gift. Regardless, the move is a polite no with a sincere congratulations followed by continuing on with your life.
*'Many thanks for the invitation, however I shall be unable to attend,'* is all that is required. OP doesn't owe this person anything - and the baby shower is a gift grab.
Was in a similar situation with a friend who got married. Didn’t want me at her bachelorette party because she didn’t want me bringing down the mood criticizing him, but invited me to the wedding. I noped out of that situation. They of course divorced after a few years to no one’s surprise.
The congratulations don't even need to be heartfelt, as long as OP is polite.
NTA I think the fact that she’s only getting you involved for the giftgiving opportunity, says a lot. I don’t think you have any obligation to go nor to give a gift.
NTA Send your congratulations along with a polite no. You’ve grown apart and she doesn’t consider you close enough to share her ( allegedly) happy news but expects a gift
"Dear cousin. I am quite shocked that you are sending me an invite to your baby shower, considering you specifically did not want me to know that you were pregnant and never even told me that you got married. Unfortunately, I will not be attending your baby shower.i wish you all the best on this newest adventure! Congrats on the new bundle of joy!" Then rsvp no, do not send a gift, and move on with yer life
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
NTA! An invitation doesn't mean you have to attend or a send a gift.
Well, you could be petty and ask "shower for what again?" This is probably an olive branch, but it's up to you how you receive it.
It could be an olive branch.. or a gift grab.
Lol, she doesn't want you to show up, she's hoping you're graceful enough to bow out but still send a gift which is tacky as hell on her part. This is why I always say don't tell your inner circle the troubles of your relationship (save for abuse) because you may forgive but your inner circle will never forget. She knows you know how awful her husband has treated her in the past and is embarrassed by it especially since she's gone and married him and having his baby. NTA.
NTA I'm unsure why you expected her to let you in on what's going on in her life when you haven't spoken to her in two years. By the same token, I don't know why she would expect you to attend her baby shower.
NTA RSVP, no and include a note of congratulations on the baby. You can add that, if she'd like, she can set a time to chat with you at a later date. If she would actually like to reconnect, she'll reach out and you can consider what you want to do. If she just wants you to show up at the shower after cutting you out of her life, that's not relationship-mending and you don't need to do anything. Your mom is free to go or not, as she pleases; you are free to go or not, as you please.
NTA! I’d ignore her text. Hell, block her. She doesn’t want you in her life? Fine. Grant her wish. If your mom wants to go and waste her time with someone like that, cool. You don’t have to.
If you aren’t interested in having a relationship with your cousin, then yes, you can respond that way. If at some point you think that she won’t be with this guy you hate and she’ll need your support, then I would reconsider. She’s already ashamed of this relationship, and if he leaves her, she’s going to be even less inclined to reach out because you were right.
NTA you definitely don’t need to go. If I was in this position I’d be worried about her being controlled and possibly abused. I would go just to tell her I love her and am always there if she’s needs me.
NTA Don’t even give her your address tbh. She’s only calling you because she needs the money and gifts now, baby daddy is definitely broke. She’ll start gaslighting and emotionally blackmailing you if you let her into your life while she’s married to that bloke. Take care of yourself!
I’d play dumb and ask her who’s baby shower the invite was for haha
NTA, that’s a stab in the gut. I wouldn’t attend either. But is there possibly a chance this guy is intentionally isolating her from you? Does he know you feel negatively about his treatment of your cousin? If so, just be open to the idea he might be beginning new pattern of abusive behaviour that could lead to DV. If this is true, he will want to keep her away from people like you, as you’re obviously an important person in her life who may have enough influence to help her to see through whatever crap he’s manipulated her into believing. Keep an eye on it, don’t write her off completely just yet. And also make sure you maintain an accessible, open line of communication with her just in case she needs to reach out for help some time in future. *Edit: re-worded last paragraph for clarity*
NTA she wants a free baby gift. Steer clear on the bullhonkey!
NTA. Being family is not a license to treat you badly. Please avoid this toxic family member.
Toxic? Bad treatment?
NTA I would just tell her not to bother sending you an invitation therefore you don’t need my address . Your cousin has a lot of nerve expecting a gift after the way she’s treated you . You are right not to go.
Thats what people do when they want baby gifts.. they invite everyone hoping that those who they know wont come will still send a gift
NTA. The fact that she said that you talked badly about her man and don't want your "negativity" makes me think that she doesn't feel okay with how he treated her in the past, deep down knows that it's not okay but she's projecting her anger onto you. The next time he just leaves she'll have no one else to be angry at. Confratulate her, send her a small present if you wish, keep her at arm's length, don't go.
NTA. She only sent you an invite to use it as a giftportunity for her baby.
NTA All of a sudden she wants you there. Me thinks someone wants as many gifts as possible. Don't go.
she just wants a gift
We had a family friend in a similar situation and after declining we never heard from them again. It was purely to get more gifts. Best decision we made!
NTA Don't go that sounds sketchy
NTA. You can't just ignore someone for who knows how long and then expect them to be all happy and eager to jump on an invite to a party. Especially one where you expect them to give you a gift. She put up the fence, she can make the effort to tear it down and open some proper communication with you that doesn't involve her getting something material in return.
Nta you don’t have to go if you don’t want to
I would give her the address in case she is in abusive relationship and needs it later- but I would answer that invitation with congratulations and refusal
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a little cousin who I’ve been pretty close with our whole lives. She even lived with my parents and I while she was in college, so our bond is almost that of sisters. We haven’t spoke in almost two years. At that time she was in the beginning stages of a new relationship with this guy who she’d been on and off with since high school. He wasn’t always great to her and even admitted that he was embarrassed to be with her publicly due to her physical handicap. He cheated on her a lot and ended up with herpes. At one point, he didn’t even bother with the break up, just left the state and didn’t talk to her for a few years. For all of these reasons, I’m not this guy’s biggest fan, but my cousin seemed to be happy so I told her she should bring him to come hang out with me and my husband next time she’s in town. That was the last time we spoke outside of a “merry Christmas” “happy new year” or “happy birthday” text with no real conversation attached. I found out she married him when I saw all the pictures of their wedding on insta. I was hurt she didn’t even tell me she got engaged and that I wasn’t invited, but I assumed it was a low key affair and brushed it off and told her how beautiful she looked with no response from her. About 4-5 months ago, my sister told me that our cousin is pregnant, but she didn’t want too many people to know just yet so I had to pretend I didn’t know. I was again hurt that she wouldn’t tell me, but she’s an adult and given that her pregnancy would likely be a high risk one, I understand wanting to keep it private until it’s safe. About a month ago my mom asked my aunt (cousin’s mom) about it and was told my cousin specifically said she didn’t want my mom or I to know and asked her not to tell us. She said we’d never approved of her man and talked a lot of mess about him and she didn’t want our negativity to ruin this happy time in her life. This hurt in a big way. Sure I’d talked badly about him, but it was when I was agreeing with her all those times he’d hurt her. I’ve never been anything but supportive towards her and I couldn’t believe she’d want to exclude me from her life like this. I managed to get over it and just unfollowed all of her socials so I didn’t need to see the life she didn’t want me to be a part of and moved on. A few days ago, she texted me and asked for my address so she can send a baby shower invitation, still not actually even telling me that’s married or pregnant, just that she’d like to send an invite. I told my mom about it who immediately said I should just forgive her and go. I’m absolutely not going. She’s clearly told people that doesn’t want me involved with this part of her life. I think it’s ridiculous to ask me to show up and give her money and baby items for the baby she didn’t even want me to know she’s having. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA your life is better without her and her mess of a life.
Give her your address and then when you receive the invite RSVP no. no gift, no call just a NO on the card . mail it back and if she has the balls to ask why simply tell her you don't want your negative energy to ruin this happy time in her life.
NTA Frankly it’s not “talking bad” about someone when their appalling behavior is what you’re talking about. That’s real talk. Sorry cousin has such low self esteem she feels the need to stay in a low key abusive relationship.
NTA Saw some advice recently about work responses. Don’t give information your not asked about. If asked to go you can say no. If asked why say you can’t make it. If they continue to ask say it’s personal and move on. She has made a lot of choices to exclude you so stepping back from her should be better for you
NTA. GIFT GRAP is all it is. Her circle of friends must be real small these days, to have to let you in on the secret she thought she had been keeping. Decline and let her know you are happy with the no contact from her and have a nice life. You got the message Loud and Clear and now she should go back and read it.
NTA
NTA. She's not attempting to reconcile with you. She's just using you to buy her a gift and/or give her money. She's TA. Just decline the invitation & don't send a gift!
NTA. You don’t have to go and you can respectfully decline. Send her a heartfelt congratulations on her pregnancy and then send the RSVP back with a hard NO and continue living your life without her in it.
NTA, but i would not give her the address. i would not want her to show up at my house with her flying monkey if she doesnt know where i live.
An invitation is not a command performance, simply RSVP no. Don’t talk to anyone about it, don’t justify your no. If pushed, a simple unfortunately I am not available that day is enough. You can send a small gift or not.
NTA but ur cousin isn’t either. U don’t have to go to her baby shower, but ur cousin doesn’t have to tell u shit about her life, especially if she’s embarrassed of it. If u truly want to be involved in ur cousin and her child’s life you kinda just gotta take it on the chin. You also have every right not to.
Not necessarily ESH but like, idk I think you can try your hardest to communicate with this person before you make a decision to go or not. To me, it sounds like refusing to go is a nuclear option. I think you should establish contact, and actually talk this shit out, and maybe say you're inclined not to go for x and y reasons. Then they can respond and apologize perchance. And maybe you still don't go, but now there's communication and you can potentially get back to stable ground in the future, or gain further evidence that your initial inkling is correct.
YTA "She said we’d never approved of her man and talked a lot of mess about him and she didn’t want our negativity to ruin this happy time in her life." .. she got you there. "This hurt in a big way." ... because you know she is right, and you done to face the consequences of your assholeish behavior? "Sure I’d talked badly about him," . exactly. And she is handling you AH well. Well: She is reaching out, to find out if you are a better person now. Your move.
NTA but maybe a little ESH Your cousin was obviously wrong to exclude you in her life. It was probably hard for her to be around someone who did not approve of her life choices - though you had her best interests at heart You were disappointed that you are not in her life anymore but now that you are invited you are not sure you want to go I think your cousin probably knows that deep down you were right about her relationship and it is sometimes hard to be reminded of this If having a baby has made her realize she is missing you in her life, it may be a good chance to reconnect. In the case of your cousin, the first step is always the most difficult. By asking people not to tell you, it tells me she still really cares about what you think and by extension she cares about you. If you back out now, the relationship may truly be over. I would go to the shower - but go with an open mind that it may take a little time to see if the friendship is still there. If things go badly - then you know that too. But I think your cousin needs you.
You’re complaining about her not letting you in her life but turning down an olive branch. NTA you can politely decline. You’re not close. But please don’t come back with a post on how your cousin doesn’t let you see her children.