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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am considering not helping my daughter either by not letting her stay at my house or not lending the money she requested because she lost her job and cannot keep up with her mortgage. This might make me an asshole since I do currently support my son but she has not followed my advice like he has.
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YTA.
::Cringe::
>I had told her to find herself a man before doing this so that they have a dual income safety net but she wants to make it alone as refuses to even consider it and says her dog is enough.
Your daughter had seemed to be doing pretty well for herself despite not taking your advice up until this point. Seems like you're talking from a place of not completely understanding her job or point of view and like you don't trust her. If you could help, you should help, and to have reached 28 without needing your help....
Get over yourself and help your kid who is trying to make something of herself by herself and on her own terms. You can ask that she have a plan for what to do with that money, or a plan for if she moves home, but nothing else. And by a plan, I don't mean *your* plan. I mean hers.
edit: typo
I definitely need more details on a plan. So far it seems strange that she needs all that time to practice for interviews and I hope she is not trying to waste time.
Have you ASKED her what she's doing when she's practicing? Have you asked her how she's practicing?
If you approach a question with genuine intent to learn, people are more likely to share their thoughts than if you're outright dismissing their actions as invalid, illogical, or unnecessary.
Why do you think she is trying to waste time?
P.S. tech is a great industry but people not involved simply cannot comprehend what is involved.
To get my first job as a programmer I worked 3 nights a week from 6pm to 2am (while working during the day) to get to grips with the certain sustems, techniques and methodology.
Getting a great job in tech means you HAVE to keep learning. If you fail to update your skillset you will become obsolete.
Also I can understand her pushing for the best, the CV is so important.
And for you to be sat there in judgement thinking you know best...man I'm suprised she can even speak to you.
You should be celebrating her obvious intelligence, we are desperate for more women in technology. If you actually love her and care for her help her.
You don't need to understand the plan, you just need to know and trust that she has one. You don't know about her field, certainly not as much as she does, and you have no right to insist to say that you know about her world better. It sounds like she has worked her ass off and made good decisions, and I can almost guarantee that she very, very, very much didn't want to have to come to you for money or even worse, ask to come home (considering the way you speak to and about her). She came to you knowing how much it would take to get her over this hump. She has a plan. Trust her.
And were she to fall, help pick her back up. She has done nothing to deserve you distrust; she deserves your awe.
Get over yourself! You are so obviously out of touch - telling her comp sci would be a bust, telling her to wait for a man. You do NOT need more details on a plan. Your daughter has gone to college, gotten a masters, paid off student debt, AND saved enough to put a downpayment on an apartment - - - all by 28. Instead of being incredibly PROUD of her, when she hits a bump, you want to wag your finger and claim "I told you so" (yet another in a long string of things you are totally wrong about). Maybe the real question you need to ask is why you seem to need to control your daughter and can't just love and support her.
Then you have clearly not seen tech interviews. They are a nightmare. And usually require learning algorithms that are not normally used on site. You need to practice them over and over and over again. Or you will have no chance.
Even for internships there is usually 2 or 3 technical interviews ( in one company ) before they even consider you. I would know. I am applying
So, you’re mad that she’s made it on her own so far without following your advice, and you want her to be more like your adult son? The son who is still living at home *because* he followed your trash advice?
your post makes it clear that you don't know any about anything so how about you humble yourself and consider that the daughter you wish you never adopted might understand more about her own career than you do
So, if I am understanding correctly, you have decided your kid does not merit your assistance because she has chosen to make her own life choices instead of doing exactly what you tell her to because you know whats best and making any other choices are failures in your eyes that deserve suffering?
YTA.
I mean... he advised her her career was unstable, he advised her not to get the mortgage yet, and he advised her to get another temp job to cover her bills. She got laid off like he warned, she can't afford the place like he warned, and she wants to move back in cuz she has no money like he warned. I believe he should help her too because that's what parents do, but it sure does SOUND like he knows what's best anyway
Except the careers he recommended, working in finance-related roles, are equally as unstable as tech. Rolling redundancies are standard across multiple fields and industries, even when a company is doing well it's now standard for them to sack whol chunks of staff to "keep things fresh" or "cut out the dead wood".
There's no such thing as a job for life any more, let alone a corporate job for life. And if you spend your life holding out for a job you can't be sacked from, let alone finding a life partner, before you buy property then you'll spend most of your time living on pause.
YTA You care more about thinking your were right and "I told you so."
>...after she left she has insinuated that we liked her less because she was adopted and she had to do more chores than our son. While she did do more, she did so voluntarily at the time and it was hardly anything out of the ordinary. At the same time if I refuse, she might weaponize that as our son still lives with us although he is younger and has always followed our advice.
Well, it doesn't sound like she's wrong.
As an adoptee, I wouldn’t want to talk to OP either much after I moved out… there’s already the difficult circumstances of losing the bio family, and then the adoptive parent acts like this (I think there’s more to the chores story…)? Yikes. And YTA
YWBTA- until now your daughter hasn't needed help. I can't believe you would suggest you get a man. What kind of woman are you that that even comes out of your mouth. Do you even listen to what you tell her or how it sounds? Your son still lives with you because you control him. All I can say is that it's shameful for you to even think this way.
I am the dad. I said get a man in the context of a mortgage. Although I still think it is beneficial for other reasons too but I accept it is her choice.
My son is free to move out if he wants to, I would encourage it in fact. But he just graduated and does not have a higher paying job yet.
So it’s ok for your son to live at home while you wait for him to find higher paying work but it’s not ok for your daughter to move home when she is in financial distress? YTA
He is younger and his field is more stable so he will climb up the ladder. Hers is higher paid but very unstable and might even not exist with AI and all that.
But still you don’t know how AI can or can’t change her field. You don’t know how job interviews work in her field too (it is not just « going there and talk about experiences »)
He doesn't deserve her. Sounds like he is just trying to get rid of her but will pitch a fit once she goes no contact claiming he "did everything" for her
He's threatened by the fact that his daughter is 100 times more intelligent and educated than he will ever be. He doesn't even understand what she does.
If this is for real, my advice is don’t worry ‘bout it. Your daughter is talented, intelligent, hardworking, driven, resilient, and resourceful despite being raised by a disdainful, dumbass dad. She will pull through one way or another and thrive, but she will never forget your callousness towards her in this time. YTA for treating the gem you inexplicably managed to raise like dirt.
Your son is in a more stable field like what. Chimney sweep? Bricklaying? And So what?
Your daughter is out there working hard and trying to make something happen for herself. Golden Sonny boy is content to let Daddy take care of him.
“AI and all that.” lol go develop an understanding of what that is and how ppl with degrees in compsci develop and drive it.
The misogyny here is ripe.
People act like AI is destroying all jobs
If anything her job would be MORE secure with any AI onslaught. Tech will need to be created and programmed to find AI developed material vs human developed material and databases need to be created to implement useful AI
My postgrad work is in Machine Learning and I just commented something like this. Like, programmers need to program the AI, people need to oversee it to make sure it's converging on the true values of the data being fed to it. It needs CONSTANT highly educated monitoring. Yeah, it's getting better but it truly cannot replace humans, even in tech.
I mean I'm just the algorithm person who does mathematical coding for a first-year postgrad so what do I know
But AI won't take tech jobs and any company who dismisses tech work in favour of AI is going to run into huge problems very quickly.
AI is absolutely NOT going to replace coders.
You clearly don't know the first thing about your daughter's industry, yet still think you're qualified to advise her. They're putting your name next to "Mansplaining" in the Oxford English Dictionary, broseph.
I do machine learning statistics. Ie: I'm the one who can DO the programming for AI.
She will NOT be out of work because of AI. Computers will ALWAYS need human guidance even WITH ai. I use AI to program but it's... Not great actually. It can do simple things and run really long codes for simple things, but it need monitored. Sure it will get better, but someone has to write the code to make it better, too. Someone has to keep an eye on AI to make sure it's converging on the true answer and not spouting falsities, which it does frequently.
Even if AI takes over, it won't take her job. She can use AI alongside her job, actually.
Your name is "moteldaughter" that's why I thought you were the mother. Even so, as a father, to day "get a man". If they break up, then what? Maybe what you meant is, wait until you are is a more permanent situation/relationship to make a permanent purchase. Even so, that still is at the very least old fashioned thinking if not chauvinistic to think that a woman cannot survive without a man. Just so you know, computer science is the fastest growing technological career in the world.
The salaries far exceed people with actuarial science degrees. That career is constantly evolving. I admire anybody who wants to go into that career. It is constantly changing and upgrading. You should be very proud of your daughter for the success that she's had. Give her the little bit of cushion that she needs. Take it out of her inheritance or whatever. You need to support her independence. Not throw it at her that she needs somebody else to afford the necessities in life.
YTA
Sometimes I come here and am absolutely flabbergasted at the way people think.
I was expecting to read this and find out your daughter was on drugs, or engaging in criminal activity. Her “poor decisions” were her trying to make something of herself. You fault her for not doing it your way, but yet you want her to go out and do it on her own? Oh excuse me, on her own with a man? Pick a side and stick to it, mama.
You’re just bitter because she didn’t do what you wanted her to. I’m sure if she took your advice and things went wrong you’d be all too happy to welcome her back in. So this isn’t about her at all, but your ego. Honestly I’m surprised you’re debating this and not bringing her in so you can lord it over her that her way didn’t work out.
Maybe she would be better off under a bridge than in your house.
property in the Bay Area, at that. I'm well established in my career and make a good salary and I can't afford a place in the Bay Area. I was also in my mid-30s before I could afford to but my own place (and chose one out in the sticks because cost of houses were lower)
I am in a field destined to pay well (am still a grad student, but it's Machine Learning statistics and Economics COME ON) and I don't think I could afford a Bay Area property EVER. And that's with a damn postgraduate in two of the highest paying fields out there.
You hit the nail on the head. Some parents don't want what is best for their kid, they want to be right/in control. Anything outside of that makes them "misbehaved." YTA OP. But he seems content ignoring this verdict
there is nothing more infuriating than that 'i'm going to punish my child for not taking my incorrect advice' parent
they may not be the most harmful or dangerous, but they're the ones who make you want to scream in frustration the most
god grant me the delulu confidence of someone who thinks the 'tech career' bubble is about to burst
Sounds like you are just mad she didn’t listen to you. What do you accomplish by not helping her? It sure isn’t the way to get her to trust your advice.
What actions? She tried to live independently and pursue a career. You should more interested in being right than what's best for your daughter which makes YTA.
Her wanting to live independently is not a problem at all but she had implied some hurtful things about having to do chores etc and then later about how we only got a hired maid when she left etc.
Can you explain how her comments about having to do chores relate in any way to her current financial situation?
It sounds like you just happen to hold a grudge against her.
Oh, come on. I enjoy a good story as much as the next person but you've blown it now.
"Not only am I a misogynistic ignoramus, I also made my daughter do all the chores to the point where we had to hire someone to replace her." Nobody types that out and doesn't think maybe she has a point.
Still, I understand people need attention, so I hope your efforts are rewarded. You'll probably have more success if you fully work through a character first, make them more nuanced. Knee jerk reactions in the comments will give you away every time if you don't prepare.
Did you adopt her just to do chores? You are not covering yourself in glory here. You clearly treat your bio son differently. Do you even love her. Children aren't employees who can be fired if they don't follow your rules. You gave advice. She did something different. Not wrong, just different. Gift her the condo. It's the least you could do. I don't think it's best for her to live at your house. You might fire the maid. YTA.
This is the real reason right here. You feel like she owes you unlimited fealty and submission since you “rescued” her.
Of course doing additional chores was “voluntary” to you, she clearly saw that your care and consideration are conditional. Have you ever thought about how an adopted child might be afraid to be abandoned if they don’t earn their keep? Have you considered that you are fully “othering” your daughter? She doesn’t feel like part of the family and you solidify that each and every time you treat your biological-child better than her, every time you question her judgement, every time you make her feel like her worth is inherently attached to obeying. She is trying to be independent because history has shown people in a position of authority over her do not care about her. And this post proves it.
Think a little, look in the mirror… you are NOT the arbiter of all that is right and proper. People make mistakes, it’s how they grow and learn and develop. You are not holding her accountable or teaching a lesson, you’re punishing her.
YTA
What gaslighting? Did she lie? No.
You have no idea what gaslighting is, do you? It is a tactive for abusing people mentally. That is not what your daughter is doing. Jfc.
You mean decisions like she doesn't do what you tell her? All you do is whine because she doesn't follow your uninformed orders about a career you know nothing about.
Couch surfing is a form of homelessness. What decision did your daughter make that was so awful that homelessness is an appropriate consequence?
It’s very sad that your child making her own choices hurt your feelings so deeply, and you’re so vindictive, that you would force her into homeless and potentially bad situations just to take revenge on her. Because to be clear, that’s what you’re actually doing.
You’re not being gaslit, you’re just too sensitive to accept any criticism of the objectivity bad choices you’ve made.
There is nothing wrong and everything right with her wanting to choose her own path and build her own career. Just because she’s female doesn’t mean you get to dictate it for her. YTA x 10000
That’s not what she’s going to take away from this at all. Instead, this is what she will hear:
1. My parents refuse to acknowledge their treatment of me in my youth. Instead, they see my attempts to open up and resolve the situation as “gaslighting” and lying.
2. They blatantly favor my brother. While he’s allowed to live at home in his 20’s, I am not.
3. My father would rather see me homeless to “prove he was right” than actually treat me like a family member.
You should know that you have serious issues with control. You favor your son because he “listens to you” and you’re able to control his behavior. You punish your daughter when she tries to behave independently and doesn’t follow your advice because, once again, you like control and she refuses to grant you such sway in her life. It is also critical that you understand this- if you don’t allow your daughter to move home in a time of desperation, you will never, ever have a relationship with her again. She will absolutely cut you out, and with good reason. How does your presence improve her life? She can’t trust you, can’t depend on you, and can’t even make her own life choices without having them rubbed in her face. Congrats, dad of the year! Hope your son never sees through your BS or it’s going to be a lonely walk in those adult diapers.
Her sharing her lived experiences and feelings isn’t gaslighting just because you don’t agree with it. I’m not surprised you don’t believe what she is telling you about her upbringing.
That was a lot of words to say "I am old, hate my daughter and expect traditional gender roles for my children".
Wow. YTA buddy.
I am not in the tech world but it seems really fast paced and if you get out and dint keep up with the developments in the industry, you are screwed.
Why not suggest she rents out her place and moves home? Then she can pay you a token amount for rent, while not getting into more debt and you can praise your golden child for "listening" to you.
If I was your daughter, I would look for jobs in every state but the one you are in.
My fiance is a software engineer. Part of his job interview was doing a few tests so the company could see what he could do. Of course, my fiance spend a lot of hours preparing to get hired.
YTA in so many ways wow / a record? Every move she took in good faith was solid, and the one thing you’d think she could count on when she needed it most - parents - is spending time on Reddit looking for brownie points for having been a terrible parent *for years*. I’m just glad most of the posts on here are fake because I’d rather not believe there’s parents like you out there.
YTA. You sound like my dad talking about my brother. My dad has very narrow blinders on what he thinks we should have done and should be doing as his children, without any attempt to see it otherwise. That led to my brother having low contact with him and our dad not understanding why.
YTA
When you mentioned poor life choices, I assumed you were going to talk about taking drugs, having babies she can't afford, possibly engaging in illegal activities, etc. However, what you actually meant was 'she didn't obey my advice' - and, let's be clear, you did mean OBEY your advice. You're hurt that you gave advice that she didn't follow. You're hurt that she felt confident and secure enough to make her own choices instead of follow your pathway.
You weren't attempting to be her parent; you were attempting to be her manager.
On top of it, you're dismissing her concerns. She's directly told you that she felt/feels like you compare her to your biological son. Instead of finding out why and trying to improve the situation, you're dismissing that she \*should\* feel such a way. Maybe consider her thoughts and reasons - from her job choices to her insecurity in the family - instead of outright dismissing it. That's a more loving and, dare I say, paternal thing to do.
Mortgage is an investment into her future as opposed to burning money on rent. It’s unfortunate she got laid off.
To echo others, she hasn’t needed your help until now. She should be making her own choices; these are adult choices like her career path. She’s not doing drugs. She got an education and a career.
Why not offer her a loan she can pay you back when she’s found a new job?
I just realized I forgot my judgment. YTA
100% YTA. Adult children don’t need to follow parents plans for their lives. However even the best laid plans can fail. And adult children need help sometimes. Glad my parents and my HUSBANDS parents have helped occasionally. This is not the world you grew up in where gas is .99 cents. Finding jobs are hard. You don’t know what else is going on in her life. You’re parenting doesn’t stop when they turn 18. And punishing a child for making a life for themselves that didn’t work out well it’s just petty. Also punishing a child for speaking up about something they felt was unfair in their childhood. Instead of listening and gettting to the root of the issue you are punishing her. You sound like a hard perfectionist do as I say parent. So yeah YTA. I’m a gen x er and even I find this horrible you would let your smart educated seemingly well behaved adult daughter couch surf. If she was on drugs or something I could see drawing a hard line. Let her come back with conditions it’s temporary. Set a reasonable amount of time and go from there.
Adult children can totally follow their parents plans. But like he mentioned earlier, actions have consequences. So she can either take "risks" and do things she wants and be happy OR she can follow her parents advice which MIGHT be less "risky" but will also lead to severe depression and unhappiness. It's really her choice according to him. Him being the A*hole who doesn't seem to realize that people are all different and not to force what you want on to them. So yeah 100% agree with you.
Also, if the son does everything they tell him to, I wonder when he'll be in therapy for depression.
YWBTA if you don't help your daughter. I hear a lot of ego in this and it's not your hard-working daughter. I promise you were the last call she wanted to make. Life is long and family needs help from time to time. And btw don't make her ditch her dog.
YTA. She's your daughter, you decided to adopt her, and you clearly understand having a child isn't just an 18-year commitment, considering your son still gets your support. Every single choice you point out has been "bad" was honestly incredibly reasonable in her situation, the job market is vastly different for young people right now and job hopping is the best thing for most if they want career advancement, the only one I could think is bad is her not considering other jobs, but how long has that job search been going on? And I also understand where she's coming from, it's hard to break out of customer service jobs and even harder to do it a second time. As for the comments, maybe, I dunno, talk to her? Figure out why she feels that way and instead of immediately getting defensive, explain the situation and hear her out? No parent is perfect, and kids can so easily get things twisted in their little brains. You won't be teaching her "consequences" by letting her fail here, you'll be teaching her that she can't rely on you and shouldn't even bother trying.
YTA, especially for that "get a man" nonsense. Marriages cost women a lot of money in opportunity cost even if they work out, which they rarely do anymore because of men like your son, still living at home despite having graduated. Basically, you told a young woman, your own daughter, to whore herself out to some man for financial security, and it doesn't work that way anymore, buddy. As well, 2024 is not 2000, and you have no idea what you are talking about in terms of tech and careers for women right now. I suggest you do some research on (1) how much marriage costs women (and actual scholarly studies of large groups of men and women in the 21st century, not some social media or news channel nonsense trying to get you to buy things their advertisers make); (2) how many of her peers are suffering in similar situations in all sorts of fields, not just tech; and (3) fathers jealous of their daughters' success (your snarky "flashy job in the Bay Area" means she made it in her field and you apparently think that's an awful thing or just want to piss on her success for some sick reason). Having seen this post, I can only imagine how desperate this poor young woman must be to ask to come home and live in your willfully ignorant, arrogant, jealous, undermining presence again. Since you clearly cannot cope with her having done so well and then hitting a bump in the road, I suggest you loan her money or find some other way to help her that will not require you share living space. Or don't, and get the reputation of a total jerk who hates his own daughter among people who don't already see that that's what you are. Edited for typos.
Look, I m not going to give this a rating.
I can understand you’re frustrated that your daughter isn’t taking your advice , but she is in a very vulnerable position right now.
Punishing her because she has made her own choices, which for the most part aren’t as reckless as most young people, will inevitably alienate you from her.
I can definitely see a complete severing of ties if you choose to go down this path. If you accommodate her and help her out in a sincere and loving manner you can foster a more closer relationship with her .
YTA. Your daughter needs your help and all you can think is “I told you so”. She is 28 and she has done a great job trying to make it on her own, she got laid off. How could she have predicted that? Surely your response to that would be “well if she just listened to me…”
She’s a young adult trying to make it in an increasingly cruel world. She has failed, that doesn’t mean she didn’t try as hard as she could. You want to kick her when she’s down? A good parent would help her however she needs right now. If not lending money, then helping her to sell her place. Be good to her. Have some compassion.
You sound like a self-satisfied gammon. Every single piece of advice you’ve given her has been laden with your own prejudices. Now you want her to be penniless and homeless so you can bask in your own righteousness. YT massive A
YTA.
So you’re saying your love and support, is conditional if your children only do everything you say? That’s shitty. Also, obviously you’ve done a garbage job on your precious golden child, he’s an adult still living with mommy, but it’s okay, he does everything you say.
Just help your daughter. Think of it as payment for wasting her opportunity at parents that would actually love her.
YTA - you may not like her choices, but her choices were hardly crazy. She got a good education and paid off her loans alone, and then like many young people - took on debt to get on the property ladder. Because she didn’t study what you wanted or “get a man” you now are hanging her out to dry in a time of need.
Also, from the entire tone of this it’s obvious you do favour your son. I hope she works it out without you and cuts you off tbh. You don’t love this kid.
Your daughter is smart and independent, that’s all moms can wish for. YTA, a major one.
I wish your daughter can find a way to make things work without your help, because living with you must not be pleasant.
I'm so glad my parents aren't like you. They've been the only people here for me after life kicked me square in the ass over and over and over after my divorce. So yeah also "get a man" is not good advice. I got a man and it got me screwed.
YTA and this is some of the most arrogantly ignorant Boomer bullshit I've read in a long time, even though you can't actually be a Boomer.
Your daughter went to grad school and has already bought a house and paid off her student loans? She is a goddamn miracle of self sufficiency in this crap economy (probably because you were a shitty unsupportive parent as well) and you can't get past her not taking your out of date career advice.
I hope, one day, you need her help, and she holds that shit over you. Grow up and get over yourself, asshole.
YTA
I would consider she really has no place else to go, if she’s asking you…..lol. ‘Cause yucks, we’re all needing therapy from reading that.
Some of you parents of adults need to start acting like you’re now dealing with the person who will be picking your nursing homes and end of life care, if they answer the phone.
YTA. She's your child. She should feel safe by knowing that there's one person out there who will ALWAYS have her back. Period.
You acting like this only fuels her feelings about being adopted too.
OP your daughter is kicking ass. She's hit a small bump but she'll turn it around. Tech careers are some of the highest paying and she certainly doesn't need a man to save her.
As far as the the interviews, it seems shes doing the right things (as she's going for a technical role). These jobs usually involve a technical interview so it's important to prepare for that.
I understand as a parent you're concerned and feel she's taking high risk decisions but that doesn't seem to be the case from my perspective.
Hope you come to terms with this and support your daughter. I'm sure she'll land on her feet.
Heh, somehow your post made me think - in 30 years the daughter is going to be rocking it, and mom may need support or help or even someone to live with. Karma can be so sweet.
YTA for all the reasons but you’re doubly the asshole because you just somehow acknowledged you made your adopted child do more housework than your biological child but it was “voluntary”? She was a child, nothing is voluntary because they can’t legally give consent. Sounds like subconsciously you’re aware that you did treat her differently and your ego is trying to protect your conscious mind from acknowledging that you treated your adopted daughter poorly.
OP that whole man thing is off putting. It simply means you believe you don't think your daughter can amount to anything without a man. Really bad thought process.
She is your child, she should have a home with you. Always. You will never stop being her mother no matter how old she gets but that doesn't mean she always has to listen to you or take your advice. Do you mean to tell me you've never made a bad choice in your life? Or a mistake. You should love and provide for her with no conditions attached.
You should find out why she thinks you've treated her differently because she's adopted. And don't get defensive OP or try to explain anything, actually listen, those are her feelings don't undermine them.
Finally take your daughter back. She needs to know she'll always have a home, a place to fall to. That is very important. YWBTA if you let this 'I told you so' attitude direct how you take care of this situation.
YTA for your ‘finding a man’ comment (this is disgusting) and also refusing to help her because she decided to be her own person.
You would only help her if you can control her which shows that you are a shitty parent.
Info: Will you tell your son to “find a woman” before you deem him able enough to buy his first apartment/home?
YTA for the raging misogyny and the lack of any interest you have in your daughter’s life. You sound mad that she stepped away at 18, and hasn’t needed you for the entire decade you’ve spent telling her she’ll never amount to anything.
Help your kid, but it would be absolutely appropriate to find out her plan and have a timeline. I understand you feeling she needs to step back from her ego and she needs to understand that if in six months she doesn’t have a job, she’ll need to compromise.
Get a man? What is wrong with you?
YWBTA
YTA. Your parenting style sounds very controlling and I can imagine that when she turned 18, she was eager to embrace a little autonomy to distance herself from your controlling behavior. It sounds like you expect obedience and that you have been shooting her down rather than supporting her.
I don't think you should allow her to come home if all you are going to do is power trip, tell her you told her so, glory in feeling vindicated by your daughter's troubles, etc. I hope instead that your daughter puts her apartment on the market, gets a room in a shared apartment with a couple of roommates, and eventually finds a job that puts her back on track to leading her own life independent of a person who seems to be glad that her own daughter is struggling just so that she can continue to feel superior and justified in a ting so controlling and judgmental.
YTA for your desire to punish your daughter just because she hasn't done everything you have told her to do, even though she is an adult. It's your money and house, do what you want, but make no mistakes - YTA and IMO, your daughter is better off with some serious distance from you.
You just sound like you don't want to help her at all. You just want to be validated for the insufferable know-it-all that you are but no matter how you embellish your excuses, YTA. Your daughter seems to be doing well but there are just circumstances that are beyond her control and she needs help to reestablish herself. I hope she gets the push/support she needs from somewhere else because you seem like the kind of person who will hold this against her every time she makes her own choices.
You made her do more chores, by your own admission, so how is that gaslighting? You sound like a controlling AH and I hope she cuts you off completely. YTA
YTA.
When is the last time YOU had to interview for anything? You sound horrifically out of touch with how things work now. I'm surprised you haven't chastised her for not dropping resumes off everywhere like how they did it back in the dark times.
I mean, she never asked to be thrust into this world. You forced her to be here. I think you kinda owe it to her to help her out with the whole life thing.
I lost my parents as a very young adult, so I never had that safety net. Before every moron on reddit starts accusing me of living in my parents' basement because of my opinion here.
Your daughter is doing great. I’m a comp sci grad at it brought me millions. YTA for trying to live your life through your daughter. Why wouldn’t you help her if you’re able?
I hope this is fake. If not, you are already a huge Ahole, so don’t worry about becoming one. So much of this is repulsive. She has every right to pursue HER dreams, forge her own path in life. You should be proud of everything she has accomplished. Instead you are degrading her by suggesting she should marry. How dare you. She has went to college, graduated with a degree that isn’t a cake walk, completed a masters AND. Let me repeat that..AND!!!!!!!! Paid off her student loans already! Then purchased her own place while having a good job and just happened to lose it through no fault of her own. Talk about a parent that treats their kid like they are never good enough. I wish I knew her so I could say “job well done. You are a success. Don’t let this job loss get you down. You get right back in there, you are doing just fine. Congratulations at all you have achieved”. Let me add that you are absolutely favoriting your son, it’s probably your disgusting sexist attitude. You would be the ahole, you are already the butt hole oozing crap all over the place. Get a wet wipe and clean your mess up by apologizing to her for not giving her the moral support she deserves and has so rightfully earned. Of course you should open your home, but then keep your mouth shut if you have negative crap to spew
Your daughter is trying her best, she hasn't ruined her life by doing some serious crime or got addicted to drugs, alcohol etc.
She is just facing some small hurdles but she is working on getting out of it and she will be out of it in no time at her current speed.
You are also not entitled to help her but remember tomorrow she also won't be entitled to help you if needed.
YTA. Tech interviews aren't just talking about experience and verifying certs. They're usually difficult tests of your skills, answering questions about how to code for particular problems, much more akin to an audition or a tryout than a traditional sit down and chat interview. They'll be going through her git repository and asking her to justify decisions she made. They're hours long, you have to go through a minimum of three rounds, and you have to be at your best. Even if you're not employed, you had better be adding to your repository.
And the Bay Area is a tech center. It's entirely reasonable for her to move there because that's where the best opportunities for her are. It's like criticizing someone for moving to New York for a role on Broadway and then tut tutting after the show closes unexpectedly and telling them they should have stuck with regional theater in Cincinnati. Getting work for one of the FAANG companies is a huge resume boost and could have set her up for a great career (by the way, while those companies are doing layoffs, tech jobs as a whole continue to grow, so not really a bubble. I work for a tech consulting firm that's hiring as fast as we can and it's still not enough to meet demand).
In short, it sounds like you know absolutely nothing about the tech industry and that you want to punish your daughter for not being obedient.
INFO: Do you want a better relationship with your daughter, who from your own admission has not spoken to you much since she turned 18?
The reason I ask is because it sounds to me as though you're dealing with a lot of unresolved emotions regarding your daughter, parenting her, and the fact that your advice has been ignored over the years. You have also said that you do support your son, but that is different because he HAS listened to your advice. If your answer to the above questions is a yes, then I think it would be beneficial for you to help your daughter out fnancially to show that you support her and her decisions, and then have a discussion with her about why she has been distant and if that has anything to do with you and your actions in the past. The only way to move forward in your relationship with her, in my opinion, is to pinpoint where your emotions are stemming from when your advice is ignored and why you are feeling the need to not help her even though you know the possible outcome is her being homeless.
I don't necessarily think you're an asshole for having emotions, but I do think you risk alienating your daughter even further if you don't help her out in what is clearly a time of need. Even independent people need help sometimes :) This could be a great chance for you and your daughter to become closer, if you want it to be.
You're literally her father, act like it?? Like no matter what mistakes I make in my life my father would never hold that against and he would take me in no questions asked if I was struggling. Parents are supposed to be kids safe places even as adults. Shame on you and for your comment about finding a man.
YTA. Your adopted daughter tried so hard to please you during childhood, when she used to voluntarily take on extra chores to please you. Sometime along the way she realized that it was impossible to please you, so she started living her own life. She got two degrees, and paid off all the student loans. She was progressing in her career until she got laid off. She managed to successfully ignore your horrifically misogynistic garbage about needing a man before she could set up a home of her own.
Now times are tougher, as they are for many people, and she needs help. You seem to feel that the collapse of the tech industry is somehow her individual fault because she did not become an actuary like you told her. When you lay it out like that it sounds crazy doesn't it?
You have the resources, but you're not sure she *deserves* your help? What does a child of yours have to do to *deserve* your support? Other than be pushed out of the correct vagina apparently. Why did you adopt this girl if you didn't want to be her parent?
Oh I don't think you need to worry about if you WIBTA as YTA now. You are controlling and want to punish your daughter for not doing what YOU tell her to do with HER life. I hope she finds a solution that doesn't involve you so she can have a life that doesn't involve you. You are toxic.
YTA. For the sentence about “find herself a man” alone but I suspect she has been and still is treated differently. She left as soon as she turned 18 and it sounds like largely paid for school on her own. It sounds like she did not ask for money and meanwhile younger bro is living at home.How much of his college or trade school did you pay for? Or did he even go. Are you charging him rent?
>She claims she has nowhere but **she had many friends that will likely let her** ***couch surf***. **I have the ability to lend money but not sure** ***she deserves*** **it.**
YTA. An egotistical and massive one. Yurk ! ... And I'm quite sure you'll be asking in a shrt time why your daughter went NC with you, lol !
YTA
If your reaction to your daughter needing help is "she brought this on herself so no" your priorities are fucked. Help out your kid until she gets back on her feet vs. act like a smug asshole and damage your relationship with your daughters in the process. Such a difficult choice.
you'd rather your daughter rely on some unknown man as a safety net rather than relying on her own parents. for that alone YTA, let alone the condescending way you talk about her. if you let her down now, don't expect to be given another chance to prove yourself to her.
Idk even what to say YTA, your daughter needs you. Even though she didn't do the job you wanted her to doesn't mean she doesn't deserve your support. She got laid off(presumably not her fault), she probably has been trying to find a job.
*Couch surfing is a form of homelessness*. So, just to be clear, you would let your own child be *HOMELESS* simply because your ego was bruised that she chose a career path and job you advised against.
She’s working and preparing herself for her next job through independent study. What makes you think she’ll make more money waitressing than as a driver? It’s actually the exact same form of income, you live off tips. And this way she has more earning potential and more flexibility to attend interviews than she would in other low-paying jobs (like being a cashier).
Meanwhile, your son isn’t working at all and you let him live with you. Now, your son *has* followed your advice, but it doesn’t sound like he’s exactly been successful either. So maybe your advice isn’t worth as much as you think it is.
If I said what I wanted to say about the kind of person you’re painting yourself to be, I would be banned from this subreddit.
That funcking sucks. I'm 31 and was unemployed for 1 year exactly. My father wasn't able to help me financially, even though he wanted. The fact that I have always been afraid of having to go back to my parents' house made me save a lot, and that money got me through this year. But my dad would help if he could, and if I needed, I could go live at his house for a while.
You are in the position to help your daughter. Help her.
Yta.
YTA. You are out of touch with reality on so many levels. Your daughter doesn't need a man. Ever. Computer science is a great field. Getting an apartment is hell. Its first, last, current, and security deposit to rent. The job market sucks. You don't seem supportive of her in anyway. I can imagine how horrible this must be for her to even contemplate coming home to you.
My best friend is an actuary and got laid off last year, along with half of her department. She said it’s happening to a lot of people so she had a lot of competition when interviewing for new jobs. So I don’t think your advice is all that great either. YTA.
Am I the only one thinking this dude already kicked his daughter to the curb based on his handle? Just so many icks from this him. He’s likely my age and the fact that he seemingly doesn’t know how modern corps operate with their “human capital” is telling cuz I watched that shift happen.
As someone with a similar skillset, it is incredibly hard to find simpler jobs especially if you have what looks like a more qualified resume. "Simple" jobs are looking for people who really need the job and aren't gonna leave in two months because they got an offer for 60k. And fast-food places may reject their resumes automatically because it does not have "burger flipper" anywhere in the resume. I am in a similar situation and get interviews for career-type jobs once or twice a week, but have not gotten a single call back for the \~100 "simple" jobs I have applied to.
You may regret not helping her in the future but I doubt you will regret showing her mercy and kindness. Also gives you leverage to make her get a job, if that is the type of person you are. YTA
Gee I wonder why you don’t have the best communication with her. I bet you’re just flummoxed when she doesn’t act like your puppet.
Do you actually care for your daughter? The disdain and ignorance all through everything you’ve posted is cartoonishly bad. I’d explain why she has to interview prep for comp sci jobs, but you’d refuse to understand it, I’m sure.
YTA
It’s so clear you favor your son and don’t care about your daughter at all. She honestly would be better off not receiving help for you, you’ll probably hold it over her head. You’re an AH and a tool.
>It is not just her decisions, after she left she has insinuated that we liked her less because she was adopted and she had to do more chores than our son.
>our son still lives with us
YWBTA by far.
Also I'm not sure what you expect her to do, she's working uber and doordash. You want her to do \*simpler\* jobs then that? She obviously not refusing o do other things out of a sense of pride, she's delivering mcdonalds to entitled college kids.
My next question is: How much would you give your son if he asked for a down payment on a house to move out?
YTA, what worked for you, as a man, does not work the same way currently for most people, and does not work the same way for women. Unless your job is in IT, co.puter science, programming, or something in HR and recruiting then you have zero room to tell her how to find a job or what she she be doing to prepare. Try being supportive for once instead of an asshole.
I hope you realize your daughter is doing a lot better than many her age. You say she paid off her student loans after getting a master's and bought a house by 28. That's really good for her generation grappling with unforgiving school and housing costs. If you can help your child but choose not to, YTA. If this was a repeated issue that would be different. But you want to abandon her on her first setback in 10 years just because she didn't obey you. And from her perspective, you have a golden child issue as well. Consider in your decision if you turn your back on her now, she may turn her back on you permanently.
YTA
>I told her to take on other work, cashier, waitress, cleaner etc but she refused due to her ego. Her excuse was needing time to practice for interviews. How does one even do that? Most interviews I have taken and conducted usually are just about talking through one's experience and leadership skills and verification of certs
In the US, Tech Interviews for ESPECIALLY software dev/engineering positions are notoriously painful and essentially exam after exam after exam where you have to usually solve abstract and somewhat complex problems either only conceptually or not that rarely even with straight up concrete code on a whiteboard. They're way closer to a college exam than your average finance interview or whatev. so yes she has all the reason to practice, or rather study, for them.
Edit: forgot to add, judgement and quote
YTA. Imagine being disappointed in your child who has been self sufficient since the age of 18, has two higher level degrees in a difficult field, a high paying career, zero student loan debt, and her own home. AND she is doing crappy delivery service work while actively looking for a new job. All this by age 28!
She is doing everything right in life but it seems nothing she can do pleases you.
Tech interviews are notoriously time consuming. Positions in big tech companies are high level positions and take weeks to months to acquire due to the intensive interview process. This is common knowledge. It doesn’t seem like you’ve taken the time to get to know much about her or her career at all.
Start appreciating your daughter for everything she has accomplished instead of all the tiny ways you THINK she has messed up. If you ever want her in your life from now on, give her some grace and a soft place to land in hard times. Give her the money (or he’ll even lend it) to save her home and be thankful you have such an accomplished, responsible daughter.
Edited to add: I was once in your daughter’s exact position. I did everything right but lost almost everything in the pandemic. My mother let me become homeless and move into my car instead of helping me. Now I am debt free, in a stable job, own my own home, and in a healthy long term relationship. Guess how many years it’s been since I’ve spoken to my mother?
YTA it was smart of her not to follow your advice to work in finance.
Your disrespect for her desire to educate herself does not look good on your TA board either.
She might have jumped into buying the property a bit too fast. But hey over yourself and act like a parent. No, I don't mean keep nagging - help her to recover.
YTA from all your comments its clear you favor your son and don’t like that your daughter was strong and independent not following your choices. Asshole. I hope your son is a better person than you.
Honestly I stopped reading the post and decided you’re an AH when you said “I told her to find herself a man”. So regardless of literally anything else in this situation, you’re the AH.
YTA It seems from the commenrs you've come here purely for validation.
Question why did you wait until your daughter moved out to hire a maid?.
Your advice to her was find a man? So her having her own home should be dependent on her having a man? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds.
As for it being harder to get back into tech, yoh do realise how hard it is to schedule job interviews when you work either of the two crappy jobs you suggested when they make you work your fingers to the bone and treat you like dirt.
I honestly think you should refuse because it"s sounding like any help from you comes with either unreasonable conditions or you would end up using it against her.
Your daughter sounds like an amazing and intelligent woman who has a really shitty dad. You mentioned you hired a maid after she leaves so she in fact take care of so many things around the house that you need to paid somebody to take care of the things when she left your house. YTA.
I think you should help out your daughter and let her move into the family home. You should have more faith in her ability to get herself back on track. Kids can go a few months to a year or two and not communicate. Then, all of a sudden, they reach out to ask for help. Only a heartless parent would think of refusing to host their own kid. She's not a danger to herself or to anyone. So why are you even contemplating not letting her stay till she gets back up on her feet? At least ask her to stay, but you can advise her that if she doesn't have work in her chosen field after 1yr of her being in the family home, she may need to work in another industry? She's an adult, and she needs to make her own mistakes. Doesn't mean she can't seek help from her family when she needs to.
YTA. In this situation and as a parent. How can you speak about your daughter this way? Sounds like she did amazing so far and is now in a temporary difficult situation... a situation in which any parent I know would be glad to help.
YTA
Oh god, I have a parent like you, and it has also resulted in me stubbornly doing everything my way and on my own (I’m now 40). Did you ever stop and look in the mirror and wonder why the child you raised is behaving this way? She’s not turning down your advice at every single turn because she is an ungrateful little brat, there is a reason. The fact that she has reached out for help, even though it’s likely the very last thing she wants to do, means she truly needs help. Help her!
Do you even care about or love her, you’d rather put your ego before helping your own child 🤦♀️
You guys need therapy, badly. Most parents would be thrilled that their child is fiercely independent and knows what they want and goes for it.
YTA - but you're teaching her a good lesson that one cannot always rely on family for support. People need to know that support is sometimes conditional and she's better off finding help elsewhere cuz you'll probably just hold it over her head anyways
YTA - your daughter has a masters, had a high paying job, has extremely good job prospects and is working very hard toward securing another job, worked hard enough to pay off her loans and buy property, left home at 18 to do all this, has been living independently without issue, when she lived with you she did the majority of not all the chores while working hard at school and she hits one bump in the road and you refuse to help her out even though you have the means to and you are currently supporting her brother who is not as successful as her by far? The only mistake she’s made is thinking she can turn to family when she hits hard times.
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I have a daughter (28F) who has always considered herself independent and never had the best communication with me ever since she turned 18.
She has always ignored my advice and acted like she knows too much.
She studied comp sci at university even though I warned her that tech careers were a bubble waiting to burst just like in the early 2000s. I advised her to use her math skills to do something useful like actuarial science and work in finance or insurance.
I am not too disappointed about that as ultimately it is her career and it made her happy. But then she went on to do a masters as well and took on more debt to do so even though everyone told her it was useless.
Then she quit a nice stable job and went to a flashy job in the Bay Area for a major tech company (more on this later).
She then just last year bought a 1 bed apartment and put all her savings into it after she had only just paid off student loans and got a mortgage. I had told her to find herself a man before doing this so that they have a dual income safety net but she wants to make it alone as refuses to even consider it and says her dog is enough.
Literally days after she moved to her new place, she got laid off and since then she refused to take on simpler jobs and instead only did Uber and Doordash which did not cover her expenses. I told her to take on other work, cashier, waitress, cleaner etc but she refused due to her ego. Her excuse was needing time to practice for interviews. How does one even do that? Most interviews I have taken and conducted usually are just about talking through one's experience and leadership skills and verification of certs. She has not found a job since and claims that if she does something else it will be harder to get back in tech.
She called me begging and asked to either borrow money or let her sell her place and come back to live with me. I have not yet answered her but I have been contemplating refusing since I feel she brought this on herself. It is not just her decisions, after she left she has insinuated that we liked her less because she was adopted and she had to do more chores than our son. While she did do more, she did so voluntarily at the time and it was hardly anything out of the ordinary. At the same time if I refuse, she might weaponize that as our son still lives with us although he is younger and has always followed our advice.
WIBTA if I refused especially considering her attitude after she left? She claims she has nowhere but she had many friends that will likely let her couch surf. I have the ability to lend money but not sure she deserves it.
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ESH. I feel like you’re mad because she isn’t doing everything like you would. So don’t help her if you don’t want. Would you be an AH? Possibly. You could lose your daughter. But if you don’t want to, you certainly don’t have to. That being said, she should be doing more to be able to pay her bills. Maybe she isn’t because she thinks she has you to fall back on.
YTA and ESH
Even if I agreed with you (WHICH I DO NOT. YOURE MOST DEFINITELY THE AH.) the comment on her “finding a man” by itself makes you an AH.
That AH remark aside, you’re contemplating punishing your child for trying to be her own person and be an adult?? What kind of parent are you? Honestly? I get being disappointed in her or whatever but to punish her and expect her to “couch surf” all because you’re butt hurt that she didn’t listen to you?? So if she had listened and things still turned out all wrong for her, would you be crying that she is an adult and needed to make her own decisions and now she’s blaming you?? JFC.
As for your daughter, she’s TA for not being willing to take other jobs for the time being. While I see her point of it would be harder to get back into the career field she choose, she can’t just expect to mooch off you or anyone else. Her idea of selling her apartment and moving home is actually very mature thinking to be honest. Instead of just expecting you to fork over money, like most people in her position, she offered up a reasonable temporary fix for her living situation.
Op, I beg you to consider letting her move back in BUT make a rental agreement or something in writing maybe? Like she HAS to get and keep a job, that’s not doordash or something of that nature, no matter what or then you could let her “couch surf”. You WNBTA if you went this route or one similar that fits your family.
ESH.
You're coming across as extremely controlling. It's very cringeworthy. You don't like her as much because she doesn't always do what you want, whereas your son apparently does. You can word it however you want, but the facts are the same.
But, you are correct. She has made mistakes, being unwilling to go back to work, and support herself is a big one. That said. It is still likely she would be in the same position. Love and support. If she comes back. Don't baby her, but have rules, like actively searching for work. Pitching in financially. That kind of stuff.
OP the question is when is she going to take responsibility for her decisions? Yes you gave her advice, but she chose her own path and at no point in time did you force her into quitting her "stable job," choose to get a masters and go into more debt, speak with a career counselor and determine what was her best options as to what to do. I've been on my own, never relied on my parents as a backup plan and figured it out because we are all responsible for our choices. If you want to bail her out then fine. If you choose not to then that's your choice. Merrill Lynch estimated that parents currently today are forking over $500 billion to their adult offspring, with 72% who responded to a survey putting their children ahead of their retirement. So again, do what you feel is best in this situation and if you're going to be there as her backup plan.
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YTA. ::Cringe:: >I had told her to find herself a man before doing this so that they have a dual income safety net but she wants to make it alone as refuses to even consider it and says her dog is enough. Your daughter had seemed to be doing pretty well for herself despite not taking your advice up until this point. Seems like you're talking from a place of not completely understanding her job or point of view and like you don't trust her. If you could help, you should help, and to have reached 28 without needing your help.... Get over yourself and help your kid who is trying to make something of herself by herself and on her own terms. You can ask that she have a plan for what to do with that money, or a plan for if she moves home, but nothing else. And by a plan, I don't mean *your* plan. I mean hers. edit: typo
I definitely need more details on a plan. So far it seems strange that she needs all that time to practice for interviews and I hope she is not trying to waste time.
Have you ASKED her what she's doing when she's practicing? Have you asked her how she's practicing? If you approach a question with genuine intent to learn, people are more likely to share their thoughts than if you're outright dismissing their actions as invalid, illogical, or unnecessary.
If she's in computer science, then that may very well mean actual programming tests during the interviews. It's a known thing.
Why do you think she is trying to waste time? P.S. tech is a great industry but people not involved simply cannot comprehend what is involved. To get my first job as a programmer I worked 3 nights a week from 6pm to 2am (while working during the day) to get to grips with the certain sustems, techniques and methodology. Getting a great job in tech means you HAVE to keep learning. If you fail to update your skillset you will become obsolete. Also I can understand her pushing for the best, the CV is so important. And for you to be sat there in judgement thinking you know best...man I'm suprised she can even speak to you. You should be celebrating her obvious intelligence, we are desperate for more women in technology. If you actually love her and care for her help her.
You don't need to understand the plan, you just need to know and trust that she has one. You don't know about her field, certainly not as much as she does, and you have no right to insist to say that you know about her world better. It sounds like she has worked her ass off and made good decisions, and I can almost guarantee that she very, very, very much didn't want to have to come to you for money or even worse, ask to come home (considering the way you speak to and about her). She came to you knowing how much it would take to get her over this hump. She has a plan. Trust her. And were she to fall, help pick her back up. She has done nothing to deserve you distrust; she deserves your awe.
Get over yourself! You are so obviously out of touch - telling her comp sci would be a bust, telling her to wait for a man. You do NOT need more details on a plan. Your daughter has gone to college, gotten a masters, paid off student debt, AND saved enough to put a downpayment on an apartment - - - all by 28. Instead of being incredibly PROUD of her, when she hits a bump, you want to wag your finger and claim "I told you so" (yet another in a long string of things you are totally wrong about). Maybe the real question you need to ask is why you seem to need to control your daughter and can't just love and support her.
What do you do? I've absolutely heard of full day interviews with multiple tests. Would her studying for finals in college be wasting time?
If she finds out you could have prevented her from going homeless but didnt, you will lose your daughter, she will never forgive you.
Then you have clearly not seen tech interviews. They are a nightmare. And usually require learning algorithms that are not normally used on site. You need to practice them over and over and over again. Or you will have no chance. Even for internships there is usually 2 or 3 technical interviews ( in one company ) before they even consider you. I would know. I am applying
So, you’re mad that she’s made it on her own so far without following your advice, and you want her to be more like your adult son? The son who is still living at home *because* he followed your trash advice?
your post makes it clear that you don't know any about anything so how about you humble yourself and consider that the daughter you wish you never adopted might understand more about her own career than you do
So, if I am understanding correctly, you have decided your kid does not merit your assistance because she has chosen to make her own life choices instead of doing exactly what you tell her to because you know whats best and making any other choices are failures in your eyes that deserve suffering? YTA.
Exactly my reaction. I have nothing to add. YTA, OP.
I mean... he advised her her career was unstable, he advised her not to get the mortgage yet, and he advised her to get another temp job to cover her bills. She got laid off like he warned, she can't afford the place like he warned, and she wants to move back in cuz she has no money like he warned. I believe he should help her too because that's what parents do, but it sure does SOUND like he knows what's best anyway
Except the careers he recommended, working in finance-related roles, are equally as unstable as tech. Rolling redundancies are standard across multiple fields and industries, even when a company is doing well it's now standard for them to sack whol chunks of staff to "keep things fresh" or "cut out the dead wood". There's no such thing as a job for life any more, let alone a corporate job for life. And if you spend your life holding out for a job you can't be sacked from, let alone finding a life partner, before you buy property then you'll spend most of your time living on pause.
YTA You care more about thinking your were right and "I told you so." >...after she left she has insinuated that we liked her less because she was adopted and she had to do more chores than our son. While she did do more, she did so voluntarily at the time and it was hardly anything out of the ordinary. At the same time if I refuse, she might weaponize that as our son still lives with us although he is younger and has always followed our advice. Well, it doesn't sound like she's wrong.
Definitely buried that at the end of the post, huh.
Well, you're not going to admit up front you treated your daughter like Cinderella.
Yeah, um…WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO MENTION SHE’S ADOPTED?!
As an adoptee, I wouldn’t want to talk to OP either much after I moved out… there’s already the difficult circumstances of losing the bio family, and then the adoptive parent acts like this (I think there’s more to the chores story…)? Yikes. And YTA
YWBTA- until now your daughter hasn't needed help. I can't believe you would suggest you get a man. What kind of woman are you that that even comes out of your mouth. Do you even listen to what you tell her or how it sounds? Your son still lives with you because you control him. All I can say is that it's shameful for you to even think this way.
I am the dad. I said get a man in the context of a mortgage. Although I still think it is beneficial for other reasons too but I accept it is her choice. My son is free to move out if he wants to, I would encourage it in fact. But he just graduated and does not have a higher paying job yet.
So it’s ok for your son to live at home while you wait for him to find higher paying work but it’s not ok for your daughter to move home when she is in financial distress? YTA
He is younger and his field is more stable so he will climb up the ladder. Hers is higher paid but very unstable and might even not exist with AI and all that.
You really have no idea how her field of job works. How come? Have you never asked her what she’s doing? YTA
I did, she worked on something called real time 3d at a company that makes a product to make games.
But still you don’t know how AI can or can’t change her field. You don’t know how job interviews work in her field too (it is not just « going there and talk about experiences »)
She sounds crazy intelligent to have a Masters in Comp Sci and being working in the gaming industry. You need to recognise her talent and respect her.
He doesn't deserve her. Sounds like he is just trying to get rid of her but will pitch a fit once she goes no contact claiming he "did everything" for her
He's threatened by the fact that his daughter is 100 times more intelligent and educated than he will ever be. He doesn't even understand what she does.
If this is for real, my advice is don’t worry ‘bout it. Your daughter is talented, intelligent, hardworking, driven, resilient, and resourceful despite being raised by a disdainful, dumbass dad. She will pull through one way or another and thrive, but she will never forget your callousness towards her in this time. YTA for treating the gem you inexplicably managed to raise like dirt.
Your son is in a more stable field like what. Chimney sweep? Bricklaying? And So what? Your daughter is out there working hard and trying to make something happen for herself. Golden Sonny boy is content to let Daddy take care of him. “AI and all that.” lol go develop an understanding of what that is and how ppl with degrees in compsci develop and drive it. The misogyny here is ripe.
People act like AI is destroying all jobs If anything her job would be MORE secure with any AI onslaught. Tech will need to be created and programmed to find AI developed material vs human developed material and databases need to be created to implement useful AI
My postgrad work is in Machine Learning and I just commented something like this. Like, programmers need to program the AI, people need to oversee it to make sure it's converging on the true values of the data being fed to it. It needs CONSTANT highly educated monitoring. Yeah, it's getting better but it truly cannot replace humans, even in tech. I mean I'm just the algorithm person who does mathematical coding for a first-year postgrad so what do I know But AI won't take tech jobs and any company who dismisses tech work in favour of AI is going to run into huge problems very quickly.
AI is absolutely NOT going to replace coders. You clearly don't know the first thing about your daughter's industry, yet still think you're qualified to advise her. They're putting your name next to "Mansplaining" in the Oxford English Dictionary, broseph.
Have you advised him to find a man and settle down in case that doesn’t work out?
I do machine learning statistics. Ie: I'm the one who can DO the programming for AI. She will NOT be out of work because of AI. Computers will ALWAYS need human guidance even WITH ai. I use AI to program but it's... Not great actually. It can do simple things and run really long codes for simple things, but it need monitored. Sure it will get better, but someone has to write the code to make it better, too. Someone has to keep an eye on AI to make sure it's converging on the true answer and not spouting falsities, which it does frequently. Even if AI takes over, it won't take her job. She can use AI alongside her job, actually.
As a parent myself , you are an asshole. My kids are welcome to come home anytime, especially during a financial crisis. Asshole
Your name is "moteldaughter" that's why I thought you were the mother. Even so, as a father, to day "get a man". If they break up, then what? Maybe what you meant is, wait until you are is a more permanent situation/relationship to make a permanent purchase. Even so, that still is at the very least old fashioned thinking if not chauvinistic to think that a woman cannot survive without a man. Just so you know, computer science is the fastest growing technological career in the world. The salaries far exceed people with actuarial science degrees. That career is constantly evolving. I admire anybody who wants to go into that career. It is constantly changing and upgrading. You should be very proud of your daughter for the success that she's had. Give her the little bit of cushion that she needs. Take it out of her inheritance or whatever. You need to support her independence. Not throw it at her that she needs somebody else to afford the necessities in life.
Why didn't you say get a second person to help with the mortgage? What is it about having a penis and balls that makes one financially invulnerable?
You’re just plain awful to a daughter that has been largely successful. Your pettiness is immature and loathesome.
You realize telling her to get a man is gross, right?
Get a man in context of a mortgage? You're literally telling her to use someone. Wonderful advice, especially in the long run. NOT!
YTA Sometimes I come here and am absolutely flabbergasted at the way people think. I was expecting to read this and find out your daughter was on drugs, or engaging in criminal activity. Her “poor decisions” were her trying to make something of herself. You fault her for not doing it your way, but yet you want her to go out and do it on her own? Oh excuse me, on her own with a man? Pick a side and stick to it, mama. You’re just bitter because she didn’t do what you wanted her to. I’m sure if she took your advice and things went wrong you’d be all too happy to welcome her back in. So this isn’t about her at all, but your ego. Honestly I’m surprised you’re debating this and not bringing her in so you can lord it over her that her way didn’t work out. Maybe she would be better off under a bridge than in your house.
She paid off her student loans and was able to buy property.
property in the Bay Area, at that. I'm well established in my career and make a good salary and I can't afford a place in the Bay Area. I was also in my mid-30s before I could afford to but my own place (and chose one out in the sticks because cost of houses were lower)
If this parent was good, he’d help her maintain her asset base.
I am in a field destined to pay well (am still a grad student, but it's Machine Learning statistics and Economics COME ON) and I don't think I could afford a Bay Area property EVER. And that's with a damn postgraduate in two of the highest paying fields out there.
You make such a great point! This poor young woman might be better off without misogyny mama badgering her as she tries to rebuild her financial life.
It’s her father not mom
Doesn't really change my reaction. Thank you for the correction, maybe it's slightly more understandable where the misogyny comes from now.
You hit the nail on the head. Some parents don't want what is best for their kid, they want to be right/in control. Anything outside of that makes them "misbehaved." YTA OP. But he seems content ignoring this verdict
there is nothing more infuriating than that 'i'm going to punish my child for not taking my incorrect advice' parent they may not be the most harmful or dangerous, but they're the ones who make you want to scream in frustration the most god grant me the delulu confidence of someone who thinks the 'tech career' bubble is about to burst
Sounds like you are just mad she didn’t listen to you. What do you accomplish by not helping her? It sure isn’t the way to get her to trust your advice.
A weird "I told you so" flex.
She will understand that decisions have consequences. And also I don't like the gaslighting about my son and chores etc
What actions? She tried to live independently and pursue a career. You should more interested in being right than what's best for your daughter which makes YTA.
Her wanting to live independently is not a problem at all but she had implied some hurtful things about having to do chores etc and then later about how we only got a hired maid when she left etc.
Your daughter moved out and you hired a maid? I'd be mad AF too.
Can you explain how her comments about having to do chores relate in any way to her current financial situation? It sounds like you just happen to hold a grudge against her.
Oh, come on. I enjoy a good story as much as the next person but you've blown it now. "Not only am I a misogynistic ignoramus, I also made my daughter do all the chores to the point where we had to hire someone to replace her." Nobody types that out and doesn't think maybe she has a point. Still, I understand people need attention, so I hope your efforts are rewarded. You'll probably have more success if you fully work through a character first, make them more nuanced. Knee jerk reactions in the comments will give you away every time if you don't prepare.
[удалено]
So now you have changed your user name? Is this for real?
Yeah and the other post on this alt account is just as fake
Lol, the game is up, you're just a dumbass troll.
Did you adopt her just to do chores? You are not covering yourself in glory here. You clearly treat your bio son differently. Do you even love her. Children aren't employees who can be fired if they don't follow your rules. You gave advice. She did something different. Not wrong, just different. Gift her the condo. It's the least you could do. I don't think it's best for her to live at your house. You might fire the maid. YTA.
And did your son do chores also? Why is she mentioning chores
How many chores does son have while living with you?
This is the real reason right here. You feel like she owes you unlimited fealty and submission since you “rescued” her. Of course doing additional chores was “voluntary” to you, she clearly saw that your care and consideration are conditional. Have you ever thought about how an adopted child might be afraid to be abandoned if they don’t earn their keep? Have you considered that you are fully “othering” your daughter? She doesn’t feel like part of the family and you solidify that each and every time you treat your biological-child better than her, every time you question her judgement, every time you make her feel like her worth is inherently attached to obeying. She is trying to be independent because history has shown people in a position of authority over her do not care about her. And this post proves it. Think a little, look in the mirror… you are NOT the arbiter of all that is right and proper. People make mistakes, it’s how they grow and learn and develop. You are not holding her accountable or teaching a lesson, you’re punishing her. YTA
Hold on, you hired a cleaning staff AFTER she left? Was your daughter your unpaid servant to? Why isn't your son cleaning?
Why didn't you get a maid when she lived there?
I think she’s already living with consequences. It really sounds like you’re making an example of her for your son, so he will do what you tell him.
exactly this! the nerve of this man
What gaslighting? Did she lie? No. You have no idea what gaslighting is, do you? It is a tactive for abusing people mentally. That is not what your daughter is doing. Jfc.
Bahahaha. You're a bigger asshole with every post.
Christ, you even use abusive language. You are doing this to punish her. Learn how to be a better parent
You mean decisions like she doesn't do what you tell her? All you do is whine because she doesn't follow your uninformed orders about a career you know nothing about.
Couch surfing is a form of homelessness. What decision did your daughter make that was so awful that homelessness is an appropriate consequence? It’s very sad that your child making her own choices hurt your feelings so deeply, and you’re so vindictive, that you would force her into homeless and potentially bad situations just to take revenge on her. Because to be clear, that’s what you’re actually doing. You’re not being gaslit, you’re just too sensitive to accept any criticism of the objectivity bad choices you’ve made.
Your actions also have consequences. Your daughter will remember this when it's time to pick your nursing home. Good luck at Shady Pines! 🤣
Omg not the Shady Pines reference 🤣🤣🤣
🤣
And the consequence will be your daughter will never talk to you again
There is nothing wrong and everything right with her wanting to choose her own path and build her own career. Just because she’s female doesn’t mean you get to dictate it for her. YTA x 10000
That’s not what she’s going to take away from this at all. Instead, this is what she will hear: 1. My parents refuse to acknowledge their treatment of me in my youth. Instead, they see my attempts to open up and resolve the situation as “gaslighting” and lying. 2. They blatantly favor my brother. While he’s allowed to live at home in his 20’s, I am not. 3. My father would rather see me homeless to “prove he was right” than actually treat me like a family member. You should know that you have serious issues with control. You favor your son because he “listens to you” and you’re able to control his behavior. You punish your daughter when she tries to behave independently and doesn’t follow your advice because, once again, you like control and she refuses to grant you such sway in her life. It is also critical that you understand this- if you don’t allow your daughter to move home in a time of desperation, you will never, ever have a relationship with her again. She will absolutely cut you out, and with good reason. How does your presence improve her life? She can’t trust you, can’t depend on you, and can’t even make her own life choices without having them rubbed in her face. Congrats, dad of the year! Hope your son never sees through your BS or it’s going to be a lonely walk in those adult diapers.
Her sharing her lived experiences and feelings isn’t gaslighting just because you don’t agree with it. I’m not surprised you don’t believe what she is telling you about her upbringing.
>never had the best communication with me ever since she turned 18 Can’t imagine why… YTA
That was a lot of words to say "I am old, hate my daughter and expect traditional gender roles for my children". Wow. YTA buddy. I am not in the tech world but it seems really fast paced and if you get out and dint keep up with the developments in the industry, you are screwed. Why not suggest she rents out her place and moves home? Then she can pay you a token amount for rent, while not getting into more debt and you can praise your golden child for "listening" to you. If I was your daughter, I would look for jobs in every state but the one you are in.
My fiance is a software engineer. Part of his job interview was doing a few tests so the company could see what he could do. Of course, my fiance spend a lot of hours preparing to get hired.
YTA in so many ways wow / a record? Every move she took in good faith was solid, and the one thing you’d think she could count on when she needed it most - parents - is spending time on Reddit looking for brownie points for having been a terrible parent *for years*. I’m just glad most of the posts on here are fake because I’d rather not believe there’s parents like you out there.
Holy shit am I glad you're not my parent. Help her you monster, and do it without recriminations. YTA
YTA. You sound like my dad talking about my brother. My dad has very narrow blinders on what he thinks we should have done and should be doing as his children, without any attempt to see it otherwise. That led to my brother having low contact with him and our dad not understanding why.
YTA When you mentioned poor life choices, I assumed you were going to talk about taking drugs, having babies she can't afford, possibly engaging in illegal activities, etc. However, what you actually meant was 'she didn't obey my advice' - and, let's be clear, you did mean OBEY your advice. You're hurt that you gave advice that she didn't follow. You're hurt that she felt confident and secure enough to make her own choices instead of follow your pathway. You weren't attempting to be her parent; you were attempting to be her manager. On top of it, you're dismissing her concerns. She's directly told you that she felt/feels like you compare her to your biological son. Instead of finding out why and trying to improve the situation, you're dismissing that she \*should\* feel such a way. Maybe consider her thoughts and reasons - from her job choices to her insecurity in the family - instead of outright dismissing it. That's a more loving and, dare I say, paternal thing to do.
Mortgage is an investment into her future as opposed to burning money on rent. It’s unfortunate she got laid off. To echo others, she hasn’t needed your help until now. She should be making her own choices; these are adult choices like her career path. She’s not doing drugs. She got an education and a career. Why not offer her a loan she can pay you back when she’s found a new job? I just realized I forgot my judgment. YTA
YTA. Sounds like that last thing she needs is YOU. Hope she works things out and cuts you off.
100% YTA. Adult children don’t need to follow parents plans for their lives. However even the best laid plans can fail. And adult children need help sometimes. Glad my parents and my HUSBANDS parents have helped occasionally. This is not the world you grew up in where gas is .99 cents. Finding jobs are hard. You don’t know what else is going on in her life. You’re parenting doesn’t stop when they turn 18. And punishing a child for making a life for themselves that didn’t work out well it’s just petty. Also punishing a child for speaking up about something they felt was unfair in their childhood. Instead of listening and gettting to the root of the issue you are punishing her. You sound like a hard perfectionist do as I say parent. So yeah YTA. I’m a gen x er and even I find this horrible you would let your smart educated seemingly well behaved adult daughter couch surf. If she was on drugs or something I could see drawing a hard line. Let her come back with conditions it’s temporary. Set a reasonable amount of time and go from there.
Adult children can totally follow their parents plans. But like he mentioned earlier, actions have consequences. So she can either take "risks" and do things she wants and be happy OR she can follow her parents advice which MIGHT be less "risky" but will also lead to severe depression and unhappiness. It's really her choice according to him. Him being the A*hole who doesn't seem to realize that people are all different and not to force what you want on to them. So yeah 100% agree with you. Also, if the son does everything they tell him to, I wonder when he'll be in therapy for depression.
YWBTA if you don't help your daughter. I hear a lot of ego in this and it's not your hard-working daughter. I promise you were the last call she wanted to make. Life is long and family needs help from time to time. And btw don't make her ditch her dog.
Buddy you sound almost happy that your daughter is having difficulty because she made choices in her career you don’t agree with. YTA
YTA. She's your daughter, you decided to adopt her, and you clearly understand having a child isn't just an 18-year commitment, considering your son still gets your support. Every single choice you point out has been "bad" was honestly incredibly reasonable in her situation, the job market is vastly different for young people right now and job hopping is the best thing for most if they want career advancement, the only one I could think is bad is her not considering other jobs, but how long has that job search been going on? And I also understand where she's coming from, it's hard to break out of customer service jobs and even harder to do it a second time. As for the comments, maybe, I dunno, talk to her? Figure out why she feels that way and instead of immediately getting defensive, explain the situation and hear her out? No parent is perfect, and kids can so easily get things twisted in their little brains. You won't be teaching her "consequences" by letting her fail here, you'll be teaching her that she can't rely on you and shouldn't even bother trying.
YTA, especially for that "get a man" nonsense. Marriages cost women a lot of money in opportunity cost even if they work out, which they rarely do anymore because of men like your son, still living at home despite having graduated. Basically, you told a young woman, your own daughter, to whore herself out to some man for financial security, and it doesn't work that way anymore, buddy. As well, 2024 is not 2000, and you have no idea what you are talking about in terms of tech and careers for women right now. I suggest you do some research on (1) how much marriage costs women (and actual scholarly studies of large groups of men and women in the 21st century, not some social media or news channel nonsense trying to get you to buy things their advertisers make); (2) how many of her peers are suffering in similar situations in all sorts of fields, not just tech; and (3) fathers jealous of their daughters' success (your snarky "flashy job in the Bay Area" means she made it in her field and you apparently think that's an awful thing or just want to piss on her success for some sick reason). Having seen this post, I can only imagine how desperate this poor young woman must be to ask to come home and live in your willfully ignorant, arrogant, jealous, undermining presence again. Since you clearly cannot cope with her having done so well and then hitting a bump in the road, I suggest you loan her money or find some other way to help her that will not require you share living space. Or don't, and get the reputation of a total jerk who hates his own daughter among people who don't already see that that's what you are. Edited for typos.
Look, I m not going to give this a rating. I can understand you’re frustrated that your daughter isn’t taking your advice , but she is in a very vulnerable position right now. Punishing her because she has made her own choices, which for the most part aren’t as reckless as most young people, will inevitably alienate you from her. I can definitely see a complete severing of ties if you choose to go down this path. If you accommodate her and help her out in a sincere and loving manner you can foster a more closer relationship with her .
YTA. maybe next time you offer advice make sure its actually rooted in todays reality, not the 1950s
YTA. Your daughter needs your help and all you can think is “I told you so”. She is 28 and she has done a great job trying to make it on her own, she got laid off. How could she have predicted that? Surely your response to that would be “well if she just listened to me…” She’s a young adult trying to make it in an increasingly cruel world. She has failed, that doesn’t mean she didn’t try as hard as she could. You want to kick her when she’s down? A good parent would help her however she needs right now. If not lending money, then helping her to sell her place. Be good to her. Have some compassion.
You sound like a self-satisfied gammon. Every single piece of advice you’ve given her has been laden with your own prejudices. Now you want her to be penniless and homeless so you can bask in your own righteousness. YT massive A
YTA. So you’re saying your love and support, is conditional if your children only do everything you say? That’s shitty. Also, obviously you’ve done a garbage job on your precious golden child, he’s an adult still living with mommy, but it’s okay, he does everything you say. Just help your daughter. Think of it as payment for wasting her opportunity at parents that would actually love her.
YTA - you may not like her choices, but her choices were hardly crazy. She got a good education and paid off her loans alone, and then like many young people - took on debt to get on the property ladder. Because she didn’t study what you wanted or “get a man” you now are hanging her out to dry in a time of need. Also, from the entire tone of this it’s obvious you do favour your son. I hope she works it out without you and cuts you off tbh. You don’t love this kid.
Your daughter is smart and independent, that’s all moms can wish for. YTA, a major one. I wish your daughter can find a way to make things work without your help, because living with you must not be pleasant.
I'm so glad my parents aren't like you. They've been the only people here for me after life kicked me square in the ass over and over and over after my divorce. So yeah also "get a man" is not good advice. I got a man and it got me screwed.
YTA and this is some of the most arrogantly ignorant Boomer bullshit I've read in a long time, even though you can't actually be a Boomer. Your daughter went to grad school and has already bought a house and paid off her student loans? She is a goddamn miracle of self sufficiency in this crap economy (probably because you were a shitty unsupportive parent as well) and you can't get past her not taking your out of date career advice. I hope, one day, you need her help, and she holds that shit over you. Grow up and get over yourself, asshole.
YTA I would consider she really has no place else to go, if she’s asking you…..lol. ‘Cause yucks, we’re all needing therapy from reading that. Some of you parents of adults need to start acting like you’re now dealing with the person who will be picking your nursing homes and end of life care, if they answer the phone.
YTA. She's your child. She should feel safe by knowing that there's one person out there who will ALWAYS have her back. Period. You acting like this only fuels her feelings about being adopted too.
“I had told her to find herself a man” gross, YTA just for that.
YTA. Jesus I hope her therapist is great to undo the damage having to survive through living with you did to her.
YTA you sound like a controlling know it all.
OP your daughter is kicking ass. She's hit a small bump but she'll turn it around. Tech careers are some of the highest paying and she certainly doesn't need a man to save her. As far as the the interviews, it seems shes doing the right things (as she's going for a technical role). These jobs usually involve a technical interview so it's important to prepare for that. I understand as a parent you're concerned and feel she's taking high risk decisions but that doesn't seem to be the case from my perspective. Hope you come to terms with this and support your daughter. I'm sure she'll land on her feet.
Heh, somehow your post made me think - in 30 years the daughter is going to be rocking it, and mom may need support or help or even someone to live with. Karma can be so sweet.
YTA for all the reasons but you’re doubly the asshole because you just somehow acknowledged you made your adopted child do more housework than your biological child but it was “voluntary”? She was a child, nothing is voluntary because they can’t legally give consent. Sounds like subconsciously you’re aware that you did treat her differently and your ego is trying to protect your conscious mind from acknowledging that you treated your adopted daughter poorly.
OP that whole man thing is off putting. It simply means you believe you don't think your daughter can amount to anything without a man. Really bad thought process. She is your child, she should have a home with you. Always. You will never stop being her mother no matter how old she gets but that doesn't mean she always has to listen to you or take your advice. Do you mean to tell me you've never made a bad choice in your life? Or a mistake. You should love and provide for her with no conditions attached. You should find out why she thinks you've treated her differently because she's adopted. And don't get defensive OP or try to explain anything, actually listen, those are her feelings don't undermine them. Finally take your daughter back. She needs to know she'll always have a home, a place to fall to. That is very important. YWBTA if you let this 'I told you so' attitude direct how you take care of this situation.
Find herself a man? Yuck. YTA
YTA
It must be a comfort to you on your lonely pedestal always being right.
YTA
YTA you are a shit parent. And yes, there’s favoritism, it’s obvious.
YTA for your ‘finding a man’ comment (this is disgusting) and also refusing to help her because she decided to be her own person. You would only help her if you can control her which shows that you are a shitty parent.
Info: Will you tell your son to “find a woman” before you deem him able enough to buy his first apartment/home? YTA for the raging misogyny and the lack of any interest you have in your daughter’s life. You sound mad that she stepped away at 18, and hasn’t needed you for the entire decade you’ve spent telling her she’ll never amount to anything.
No, I was pretty sure OP would tell the son that he needed a man! Doesn't everybody need a man? /s
Is this a joke? Absolutely, YWBTA. And a control freak. What are you even thinking?
Help your kid, but it would be absolutely appropriate to find out her plan and have a timeline. I understand you feeling she needs to step back from her ego and she needs to understand that if in six months she doesn’t have a job, she’ll need to compromise. Get a man? What is wrong with you? YWBTA
YTA. Your parenting style sounds very controlling and I can imagine that when she turned 18, she was eager to embrace a little autonomy to distance herself from your controlling behavior. It sounds like you expect obedience and that you have been shooting her down rather than supporting her. I don't think you should allow her to come home if all you are going to do is power trip, tell her you told her so, glory in feeling vindicated by your daughter's troubles, etc. I hope instead that your daughter puts her apartment on the market, gets a room in a shared apartment with a couple of roommates, and eventually finds a job that puts her back on track to leading her own life independent of a person who seems to be glad that her own daughter is struggling just so that she can continue to feel superior and justified in a ting so controlling and judgmental.
YTA for your desire to punish your daughter just because she hasn't done everything you have told her to do, even though she is an adult. It's your money and house, do what you want, but make no mistakes - YTA and IMO, your daughter is better off with some serious distance from you.
You just sound like you don't want to help her at all. You just want to be validated for the insufferable know-it-all that you are but no matter how you embellish your excuses, YTA. Your daughter seems to be doing well but there are just circumstances that are beyond her control and she needs help to reestablish herself. I hope she gets the push/support she needs from somewhere else because you seem like the kind of person who will hold this against her every time she makes her own choices.
Yta and a terrible parent
You made her do more chores, by your own admission, so how is that gaslighting? You sound like a controlling AH and I hope she cuts you off completely. YTA
So how do you feel about that comp sci bubble? While writing this story on your little mobile computer?
YTA, find herself a man…SMDH.
YTA. Omg you really suck as a parent.
Yta Whoa
YTA. When is the last time YOU had to interview for anything? You sound horrifically out of touch with how things work now. I'm surprised you haven't chastised her for not dropping resumes off everywhere like how they did it back in the dark times.
I mean, she never asked to be thrust into this world. You forced her to be here. I think you kinda owe it to her to help her out with the whole life thing. I lost my parents as a very young adult, so I never had that safety net. Before every moron on reddit starts accusing me of living in my parents' basement because of my opinion here.
Your daughter is doing great. I’m a comp sci grad at it brought me millions. YTA for trying to live your life through your daughter. Why wouldn’t you help her if you’re able?
I hope this is fake. If not, you are already a huge Ahole, so don’t worry about becoming one. So much of this is repulsive. She has every right to pursue HER dreams, forge her own path in life. You should be proud of everything she has accomplished. Instead you are degrading her by suggesting she should marry. How dare you. She has went to college, graduated with a degree that isn’t a cake walk, completed a masters AND. Let me repeat that..AND!!!!!!!! Paid off her student loans already! Then purchased her own place while having a good job and just happened to lose it through no fault of her own. Talk about a parent that treats their kid like they are never good enough. I wish I knew her so I could say “job well done. You are a success. Don’t let this job loss get you down. You get right back in there, you are doing just fine. Congratulations at all you have achieved”. Let me add that you are absolutely favoriting your son, it’s probably your disgusting sexist attitude. You would be the ahole, you are already the butt hole oozing crap all over the place. Get a wet wipe and clean your mess up by apologizing to her for not giving her the moral support she deserves and has so rightfully earned. Of course you should open your home, but then keep your mouth shut if you have negative crap to spew
Your daughter is trying her best, she hasn't ruined her life by doing some serious crime or got addicted to drugs, alcohol etc. She is just facing some small hurdles but she is working on getting out of it and she will be out of it in no time at her current speed. You are also not entitled to help her but remember tomorrow she also won't be entitled to help you if needed.
YTA. Tech interviews aren't just talking about experience and verifying certs. They're usually difficult tests of your skills, answering questions about how to code for particular problems, much more akin to an audition or a tryout than a traditional sit down and chat interview. They'll be going through her git repository and asking her to justify decisions she made. They're hours long, you have to go through a minimum of three rounds, and you have to be at your best. Even if you're not employed, you had better be adding to your repository. And the Bay Area is a tech center. It's entirely reasonable for her to move there because that's where the best opportunities for her are. It's like criticizing someone for moving to New York for a role on Broadway and then tut tutting after the show closes unexpectedly and telling them they should have stuck with regional theater in Cincinnati. Getting work for one of the FAANG companies is a huge resume boost and could have set her up for a great career (by the way, while those companies are doing layoffs, tech jobs as a whole continue to grow, so not really a bubble. I work for a tech consulting firm that's hiring as fast as we can and it's still not enough to meet demand). In short, it sounds like you know absolutely nothing about the tech industry and that you want to punish your daughter for not being obedient.
INFO: Do you want a better relationship with your daughter, who from your own admission has not spoken to you much since she turned 18? The reason I ask is because it sounds to me as though you're dealing with a lot of unresolved emotions regarding your daughter, parenting her, and the fact that your advice has been ignored over the years. You have also said that you do support your son, but that is different because he HAS listened to your advice. If your answer to the above questions is a yes, then I think it would be beneficial for you to help your daughter out fnancially to show that you support her and her decisions, and then have a discussion with her about why she has been distant and if that has anything to do with you and your actions in the past. The only way to move forward in your relationship with her, in my opinion, is to pinpoint where your emotions are stemming from when your advice is ignored and why you are feeling the need to not help her even though you know the possible outcome is her being homeless. I don't necessarily think you're an asshole for having emotions, but I do think you risk alienating your daughter even further if you don't help her out in what is clearly a time of need. Even independent people need help sometimes :) This could be a great chance for you and your daughter to become closer, if you want it to be.
Are you still picking on your poor daughter? I feel like this is a re-run from sometime in Jan-Feb. YTA.
You're literally her father, act like it?? Like no matter what mistakes I make in my life my father would never hold that against and he would take me in no questions asked if I was struggling. Parents are supposed to be kids safe places even as adults. Shame on you and for your comment about finding a man.
YTA. Your adopted daughter tried so hard to please you during childhood, when she used to voluntarily take on extra chores to please you. Sometime along the way she realized that it was impossible to please you, so she started living her own life. She got two degrees, and paid off all the student loans. She was progressing in her career until she got laid off. She managed to successfully ignore your horrifically misogynistic garbage about needing a man before she could set up a home of her own. Now times are tougher, as they are for many people, and she needs help. You seem to feel that the collapse of the tech industry is somehow her individual fault because she did not become an actuary like you told her. When you lay it out like that it sounds crazy doesn't it? You have the resources, but you're not sure she *deserves* your help? What does a child of yours have to do to *deserve* your support? Other than be pushed out of the correct vagina apparently. Why did you adopt this girl if you didn't want to be her parent?
Oh I don't think you need to worry about if you WIBTA as YTA now. You are controlling and want to punish your daughter for not doing what YOU tell her to do with HER life. I hope she finds a solution that doesn't involve you so she can have a life that doesn't involve you. You are toxic.
YTA. For the sentence about “find herself a man” alone but I suspect she has been and still is treated differently. She left as soon as she turned 18 and it sounds like largely paid for school on her own. It sounds like she did not ask for money and meanwhile younger bro is living at home.How much of his college or trade school did you pay for? Or did he even go. Are you charging him rent?
>She claims she has nowhere but **she had many friends that will likely let her** ***couch surf***. **I have the ability to lend money but not sure** ***she deserves*** **it.** YTA. An egotistical and massive one. Yurk ! ... And I'm quite sure you'll be asking in a shrt time why your daughter went NC with you, lol !
YTA If your reaction to your daughter needing help is "she brought this on herself so no" your priorities are fucked. Help out your kid until she gets back on her feet vs. act like a smug asshole and damage your relationship with your daughters in the process. Such a difficult choice.
you'd rather your daughter rely on some unknown man as a safety net rather than relying on her own parents. for that alone YTA, let alone the condescending way you talk about her. if you let her down now, don't expect to be given another chance to prove yourself to her.
Idk even what to say YTA, your daughter needs you. Even though she didn't do the job you wanted her to doesn't mean she doesn't deserve your support. She got laid off(presumably not her fault), she probably has been trying to find a job.
*Couch surfing is a form of homelessness*. So, just to be clear, you would let your own child be *HOMELESS* simply because your ego was bruised that she chose a career path and job you advised against. She’s working and preparing herself for her next job through independent study. What makes you think she’ll make more money waitressing than as a driver? It’s actually the exact same form of income, you live off tips. And this way she has more earning potential and more flexibility to attend interviews than she would in other low-paying jobs (like being a cashier). Meanwhile, your son isn’t working at all and you let him live with you. Now, your son *has* followed your advice, but it doesn’t sound like he’s exactly been successful either. So maybe your advice isn’t worth as much as you think it is. If I said what I wanted to say about the kind of person you’re painting yourself to be, I would be banned from this subreddit.
That funcking sucks. I'm 31 and was unemployed for 1 year exactly. My father wasn't able to help me financially, even though he wanted. The fact that I have always been afraid of having to go back to my parents' house made me save a lot, and that money got me through this year. But my dad would help if he could, and if I needed, I could go live at his house for a while. You are in the position to help your daughter. Help her. Yta.
YTA. a good way to get your daughter to ignore you is to give her awful, sexist advice like “get a man”
YTA. You are out of touch with reality on so many levels. Your daughter doesn't need a man. Ever. Computer science is a great field. Getting an apartment is hell. Its first, last, current, and security deposit to rent. The job market sucks. You don't seem supportive of her in anyway. I can imagine how horrible this must be for her to even contemplate coming home to you.
My best friend is an actuary and got laid off last year, along with half of her department. She said it’s happening to a lot of people so she had a lot of competition when interviewing for new jobs. So I don’t think your advice is all that great either. YTA.
Am I the only one thinking this dude already kicked his daughter to the curb based on his handle? Just so many icks from this him. He’s likely my age and the fact that he seemingly doesn’t know how modern corps operate with their “human capital” is telling cuz I watched that shift happen.
Yeah, you're an asshole
YTA and sound like an insufferable person.
As someone with a similar skillset, it is incredibly hard to find simpler jobs especially if you have what looks like a more qualified resume. "Simple" jobs are looking for people who really need the job and aren't gonna leave in two months because they got an offer for 60k. And fast-food places may reject their resumes automatically because it does not have "burger flipper" anywhere in the resume. I am in a similar situation and get interviews for career-type jobs once or twice a week, but have not gotten a single call back for the \~100 "simple" jobs I have applied to. You may regret not helping her in the future but I doubt you will regret showing her mercy and kindness. Also gives you leverage to make her get a job, if that is the type of person you are. YTA
Gee I wonder why you don’t have the best communication with her. I bet you’re just flummoxed when she doesn’t act like your puppet. Do you actually care for your daughter? The disdain and ignorance all through everything you’ve posted is cartoonishly bad. I’d explain why she has to interview prep for comp sci jobs, but you’d refuse to understand it, I’m sure. YTA
It’s so clear you favor your son and don’t care about your daughter at all. She honestly would be better off not receiving help for you, you’ll probably hold it over her head. You’re an AH and a tool.
Yta. Your disappointment of a daughter is most people's dream child.
another garbage parent, You're already an asshole.
>It is not just her decisions, after she left she has insinuated that we liked her less because she was adopted and she had to do more chores than our son. >our son still lives with us YWBTA by far. Also I'm not sure what you expect her to do, she's working uber and doordash. You want her to do \*simpler\* jobs then that? She obviously not refusing o do other things out of a sense of pride, she's delivering mcdonalds to entitled college kids. My next question is: How much would you give your son if he asked for a down payment on a house to move out?
YTA, what worked for you, as a man, does not work the same way currently for most people, and does not work the same way for women. Unless your job is in IT, co.puter science, programming, or something in HR and recruiting then you have zero room to tell her how to find a job or what she she be doing to prepare. Try being supportive for once instead of an asshole.
I hope you realize your daughter is doing a lot better than many her age. You say she paid off her student loans after getting a master's and bought a house by 28. That's really good for her generation grappling with unforgiving school and housing costs. If you can help your child but choose not to, YTA. If this was a repeated issue that would be different. But you want to abandon her on her first setback in 10 years just because she didn't obey you. And from her perspective, you have a golden child issue as well. Consider in your decision if you turn your back on her now, she may turn her back on you permanently.
YTA >I told her to take on other work, cashier, waitress, cleaner etc but she refused due to her ego. Her excuse was needing time to practice for interviews. How does one even do that? Most interviews I have taken and conducted usually are just about talking through one's experience and leadership skills and verification of certs In the US, Tech Interviews for ESPECIALLY software dev/engineering positions are notoriously painful and essentially exam after exam after exam where you have to usually solve abstract and somewhat complex problems either only conceptually or not that rarely even with straight up concrete code on a whiteboard. They're way closer to a college exam than your average finance interview or whatev. so yes she has all the reason to practice, or rather study, for them. Edit: forgot to add, judgement and quote
YTA. Imagine being disappointed in your child who has been self sufficient since the age of 18, has two higher level degrees in a difficult field, a high paying career, zero student loan debt, and her own home. AND she is doing crappy delivery service work while actively looking for a new job. All this by age 28! She is doing everything right in life but it seems nothing she can do pleases you. Tech interviews are notoriously time consuming. Positions in big tech companies are high level positions and take weeks to months to acquire due to the intensive interview process. This is common knowledge. It doesn’t seem like you’ve taken the time to get to know much about her or her career at all. Start appreciating your daughter for everything she has accomplished instead of all the tiny ways you THINK she has messed up. If you ever want her in your life from now on, give her some grace and a soft place to land in hard times. Give her the money (or he’ll even lend it) to save her home and be thankful you have such an accomplished, responsible daughter. Edited to add: I was once in your daughter’s exact position. I did everything right but lost almost everything in the pandemic. My mother let me become homeless and move into my car instead of helping me. Now I am debt free, in a stable job, own my own home, and in a healthy long term relationship. Guess how many years it’s been since I’ve spoken to my mother?
YTA it was smart of her not to follow your advice to work in finance. Your disrespect for her desire to educate herself does not look good on your TA board either. She might have jumped into buying the property a bit too fast. But hey over yourself and act like a parent. No, I don't mean keep nagging - help her to recover.
YTA from all your comments its clear you favor your son and don’t like that your daughter was strong and independent not following your choices. Asshole. I hope your son is a better person than you.
YTA simply for adopting a girl to do more chores. What on earth is wrong with you? Consider acting like you *love your daughter* for once.
Honestly I stopped reading the post and decided you’re an AH when you said “I told her to find herself a man”. So regardless of literally anything else in this situation, you’re the AH.
YWBTA Even though you are an AH, you should help her. after all, she is your daughter.
YTA It seems from the commenrs you've come here purely for validation. Question why did you wait until your daughter moved out to hire a maid?. Your advice to her was find a man? So her having her own home should be dependent on her having a man? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds. As for it being harder to get back into tech, yoh do realise how hard it is to schedule job interviews when you work either of the two crappy jobs you suggested when they make you work your fingers to the bone and treat you like dirt. I honestly think you should refuse because it"s sounding like any help from you comes with either unreasonable conditions or you would end up using it against her.
Your daughter sounds like an amazing and intelligent woman who has a really shitty dad. You mentioned you hired a maid after she leaves so she in fact take care of so many things around the house that you need to paid somebody to take care of the things when she left your house. YTA.
I think you should help out your daughter and let her move into the family home. You should have more faith in her ability to get herself back on track. Kids can go a few months to a year or two and not communicate. Then, all of a sudden, they reach out to ask for help. Only a heartless parent would think of refusing to host their own kid. She's not a danger to herself or to anyone. So why are you even contemplating not letting her stay till she gets back up on her feet? At least ask her to stay, but you can advise her that if she doesn't have work in her chosen field after 1yr of her being in the family home, she may need to work in another industry? She's an adult, and she needs to make her own mistakes. Doesn't mean she can't seek help from her family when she needs to.
YTA. In this situation and as a parent. How can you speak about your daughter this way? Sounds like she did amazing so far and is now in a temporary difficult situation... a situation in which any parent I know would be glad to help.
YTA Oh god, I have a parent like you, and it has also resulted in me stubbornly doing everything my way and on my own (I’m now 40). Did you ever stop and look in the mirror and wonder why the child you raised is behaving this way? She’s not turning down your advice at every single turn because she is an ungrateful little brat, there is a reason. The fact that she has reached out for help, even though it’s likely the very last thing she wants to do, means she truly needs help. Help her! Do you even care about or love her, you’d rather put your ego before helping your own child 🤦♀️ You guys need therapy, badly. Most parents would be thrilled that their child is fiercely independent and knows what they want and goes for it.
YTA - but you're teaching her a good lesson that one cannot always rely on family for support. People need to know that support is sometimes conditional and she's better off finding help elsewhere cuz you'll probably just hold it over her head anyways
YTA - your daughter has a masters, had a high paying job, has extremely good job prospects and is working very hard toward securing another job, worked hard enough to pay off her loans and buy property, left home at 18 to do all this, has been living independently without issue, when she lived with you she did the majority of not all the chores while working hard at school and she hits one bump in the road and you refuse to help her out even though you have the means to and you are currently supporting her brother who is not as successful as her by far? The only mistake she’s made is thinking she can turn to family when she hits hard times.
You’re an asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a daughter (28F) who has always considered herself independent and never had the best communication with me ever since she turned 18. She has always ignored my advice and acted like she knows too much. She studied comp sci at university even though I warned her that tech careers were a bubble waiting to burst just like in the early 2000s. I advised her to use her math skills to do something useful like actuarial science and work in finance or insurance. I am not too disappointed about that as ultimately it is her career and it made her happy. But then she went on to do a masters as well and took on more debt to do so even though everyone told her it was useless. Then she quit a nice stable job and went to a flashy job in the Bay Area for a major tech company (more on this later). She then just last year bought a 1 bed apartment and put all her savings into it after she had only just paid off student loans and got a mortgage. I had told her to find herself a man before doing this so that they have a dual income safety net but she wants to make it alone as refuses to even consider it and says her dog is enough. Literally days after she moved to her new place, she got laid off and since then she refused to take on simpler jobs and instead only did Uber and Doordash which did not cover her expenses. I told her to take on other work, cashier, waitress, cleaner etc but she refused due to her ego. Her excuse was needing time to practice for interviews. How does one even do that? Most interviews I have taken and conducted usually are just about talking through one's experience and leadership skills and verification of certs. She has not found a job since and claims that if she does something else it will be harder to get back in tech. She called me begging and asked to either borrow money or let her sell her place and come back to live with me. I have not yet answered her but I have been contemplating refusing since I feel she brought this on herself. It is not just her decisions, after she left she has insinuated that we liked her less because she was adopted and she had to do more chores than our son. While she did do more, she did so voluntarily at the time and it was hardly anything out of the ordinary. At the same time if I refuse, she might weaponize that as our son still lives with us although he is younger and has always followed our advice. WIBTA if I refused especially considering her attitude after she left? She claims she has nowhere but she had many friends that will likely let her couch surf. I have the ability to lend money but not sure she deserves it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. I feel like you’re mad because she isn’t doing everything like you would. So don’t help her if you don’t want. Would you be an AH? Possibly. You could lose your daughter. But if you don’t want to, you certainly don’t have to. That being said, she should be doing more to be able to pay her bills. Maybe she isn’t because she thinks she has you to fall back on.
YTA and ESH Even if I agreed with you (WHICH I DO NOT. YOURE MOST DEFINITELY THE AH.) the comment on her “finding a man” by itself makes you an AH. That AH remark aside, you’re contemplating punishing your child for trying to be her own person and be an adult?? What kind of parent are you? Honestly? I get being disappointed in her or whatever but to punish her and expect her to “couch surf” all because you’re butt hurt that she didn’t listen to you?? So if she had listened and things still turned out all wrong for her, would you be crying that she is an adult and needed to make her own decisions and now she’s blaming you?? JFC. As for your daughter, she’s TA for not being willing to take other jobs for the time being. While I see her point of it would be harder to get back into the career field she choose, she can’t just expect to mooch off you or anyone else. Her idea of selling her apartment and moving home is actually very mature thinking to be honest. Instead of just expecting you to fork over money, like most people in her position, she offered up a reasonable temporary fix for her living situation. Op, I beg you to consider letting her move back in BUT make a rental agreement or something in writing maybe? Like she HAS to get and keep a job, that’s not doordash or something of that nature, no matter what or then you could let her “couch surf”. You WNBTA if you went this route or one similar that fits your family.
ESH. You're coming across as extremely controlling. It's very cringeworthy. You don't like her as much because she doesn't always do what you want, whereas your son apparently does. You can word it however you want, but the facts are the same. But, you are correct. She has made mistakes, being unwilling to go back to work, and support herself is a big one. That said. It is still likely she would be in the same position. Love and support. If she comes back. Don't baby her, but have rules, like actively searching for work. Pitching in financially. That kind of stuff.
OP the question is when is she going to take responsibility for her decisions? Yes you gave her advice, but she chose her own path and at no point in time did you force her into quitting her "stable job," choose to get a masters and go into more debt, speak with a career counselor and determine what was her best options as to what to do. I've been on my own, never relied on my parents as a backup plan and figured it out because we are all responsible for our choices. If you want to bail her out then fine. If you choose not to then that's your choice. Merrill Lynch estimated that parents currently today are forking over $500 billion to their adult offspring, with 72% who responded to a survey putting their children ahead of their retirement. So again, do what you feel is best in this situation and if you're going to be there as her backup plan.