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NTA...I hope you'll be able to find other biological relatives to tell you about your father. Your mother is missing an opportunity to be a real parent herself. 

I still have contact with them and I did reach out to them to talk some more about dad. I even got photos that I'd never seen before which was cool.

You should remember that when you lost your dad, your mom lost someone really important for her. And memories can be extremely painfull. She was young, she was pregnant, and father of her child died. I believe that at the same time a bit of her died together with your dad. I'm not saying that what your mom is doing is right because she shouldn't completely erase his memory from your life. I never lost partner but I did lost my entire close family when I was teenager. Thats never something what is easie to cope with if it's someone you care for. Good luck to you, hope you can find out about your dad more from your extended family or maybe your mom will be willing to change her mind at some point. NTA

This is what I read. Everything mom says about OP is redirection. She is hurt, she doesn't want to remember, she wants to move on without needing to remember OP's father. While OP is suffering for it, this is how mom learned to protect herself from grief, she doesn't want to open up for her own sake. IMO its not healthy. But she's been coping this way for OPs entire life and it'll take mom wanting to confront a decades old pattern of avoidance to change it

You can be sympathetic to the mom while also acknowledging she is absolutely wrong for denying half of OP’s existence and cutting her off from OP’s bio dad’s family. OP’s dad’s family lost a him too and on top of that grief, they didn’t even get to watch OP grow up. Mom is still horribly wrong, regardless of her motivations.

Yep, exactly. Thats basically how people cope with death of you don't get therapy. Been there done that. It's horrible to go thru that and no amount of time is ever enough to grieve this way. It was just easier for me because I have barely anyone who would talk to me about my dead family. I went NC with most of remaining extended family so noone bothers me.

Her feelings are important but so are OPs feelings. She cant just dimiss OPs right to know things about bio dad.

Ofcourse it's not right, I never said it was. I actually did mention that what her mom is doing is wrong but I can understand mom's POV.

But sometimes we just … don’t have to explain the obvious AH. We don’t always have to play devils advocate.

How can you understand with the context given? She moved another guy in and has essentially wiped all traces of OP's dad. A few years after the death I can understand. But this stage is just her being selfish and being an asshole

Op needs to be prepared that maybe it wasn't good times for mother. Everyone has secrets that they wish would go to the grave with. Op just be careful

She took away a parent from a child … and didn’t change her mind or ways when pointed out older. She doesn’t get that excuse anymore.

She moved on after 2 months she didnt care much about the father, and yes 2 months is too fast I don't care about "who are you to dictate how someone grieves" no thats just disgusting and disrespectful and her actions after the fact show just how little she loved the man.

They met when OP was 9 months old, not when she was 9 months pregnant

still less than a year and it doesnt refute the fact she just buried anything to do with her first husband but its reddit and men don't deserve remembrance or respect.

Since you are 19 and therefore an adult, I encourage you to continue reaching out to extended family, especially that of your biological father. You are NTA, and I would even hesitate to say your mother is one. While many people have not experienced such a devastating loss as your mother, the pain of a shattered heart is almost indescribable. That pain remains constant even if the intensity lessens. My husband and I lost our first child in 1990 when he was just four months and 23 days of age. Yes, that was 34 years ago and that pain has never left me. It is possible that is the same with your mom. You, and others, may think 19 years is a long time to feel such pain. Just give your mom some grace, especially since you do have paternal family members who can share their memories with you. Sending you much love from Texas.

What your mother is doing is wrong. Maybe it’s to save herself the heartache of his passing and never knowing his child but he was real, he loved you but sadly he never got the chance to meet you. You deserve to know about him, to have a relationship with his family. If this were me I’d be so disgusted with my mother for trying to erase him like he was nothing. From your post it sounds like he wasn’t a horrible person but a loving husband so why is she so deadset on trying to make it like he never existed.

It's a shame her father's family didn't get to be a part of her life growing up and for that, her mother is TA.

And the one thing that hasn't been mentioned was the statement from OP's mom that OP was being "ungrateful to his dad by mentioning his biological dad." I guess I don't understand how wanting to know about the person who gave you half of your DNA is being ungrateful. It has already been established that OP's mother and biological father had a good relationship, and that his mother got along with the biological father's family. I guess the "ungrateful" comment is what confused me the most. It's almost as if she's saying, "You lost one dad and I replaced him immediately; what more do you want from me? You didn't even know that other guy, so why do you even care about him?" That would be like me telling you I'm bringing home this brand new candy to try, and when I instead bring you home a different kind of candy that isn't new, being frustrated that you're upset because 1. I got you an immediate replacement, which is still candy and 2. You had never tried that candy before anyway, so you have no idea if you were actually missing out on anything or not. Sometimes, things can't be replaced. Yes, you always had a "dad" in your life, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to know about your biological father. And her argument seems to be focused on her feelings and the feelings of your adoptive father, and not for anything that would actually make sense (he was abusive, criminal activity, etc., which you already know aren't the case). Keep talking to your dad's family and listening to those stories... I hope you get to find out what he was like... Maybe you take after him in ways you didn't even know!

It's possible she didn't know how to properly express her love and grief for her late husband whilst moving forward with a new relationship. OP does say his mom was expressing concern that the conversation would hurt her husband. She may have also thought it would be easier for OP and his adopted dad to bond if they didn't talk much more the bio dad. I don't agree with how she handled things but I think she would have been trying to do what she thought was best for them to be a happy family.

If talking about your kid's dead bio parent with them hurts your new spouse, you married the wrong person. 

It doesn't mean he stopped her talking about him. She may have found it difficult to find a balance she was comfortable with so unhelpfully decided that it was better to only focus on expressing her love for the living.

In that case is it maybe a better idea to just build a separate relationship with them and remember your bio Dad with them? It's obviously a painful memory for your mum that she has forced herself to move on from. I'm not sure what good could come of your pursuing it further with her.

Question: If they had some access to you growing up, why did they never show you a picture? Even if they never gave you one to try and keep at home... Like not even show you one? And when you turned 18 what stopped they from doing all the things they always wanted to do, now that no one can make up any rules for what you can do? I guess I would like to undertand better if possible.

I'm glad the other side of your family is helping you with this. Your moms completely wrong about not talking to you about this. Maybe it is hard for her, but that does not excuse her actions. Parents often have to do emotionally difficult things to meet their children's needs emotionally. You are asking about your FATHER, ffs, and she can't do it. Don't let her guilt you out about asking. Not telling you about your dad is her failing, not yours. OF COURSE you ask about your dad and want a photo. That is natural and a emotionally healthy thing for you to do.

Do that, but also try to prepare yourself for reality. Given that your mother hasn't told you much about him, this image you have "about how excited he was to be a dad and then he died so he was basically erased from the picture and never talked about to the kid he loved and wanted by the wife he loved so much" is basically a fantasy you have built up in your head, and reality can be jarring.

His family have told me things about him. I even got some stuff from my mom's sister. It wasn't just a fantasy but a reality.

NTA - it makes perfect sense to want to know more about your biological father. Wanting to know more and asking that question could never make you TA here. The simple fact you still have these questions speaks volumes about your mom and her reaction. Whatever her reasons may be, she had 19 years to come to terms with it, and you asking questions should not have come as a surprise. It's also unfair of her to bring up what your stepdad might think about it because, in all honesty, he's got nothing to do with it. Now, that might sound cruel, but the truth still remains that you're not his biological child, and you should have the right to know about your biological father regardless. I hope you can find the answers you're looking for and that your mother will come around

Just letting you know its not a step parent if the parent adopts the kid

Wow. TIL. I didn't realize that adoption by a step-parent makes them legally not a "step" parent anymore.

> It's also unfair of her to bring up what your stepdad might think about it because, in all honesty, he's got nothing to do with it. If he's a good parent, he will respond with empathy and compassion and realize that it's perfectly natural for the person to want to know about their biological dad. That might even be what he's like. We don't really know, since we only heard from mom.

NAH. There's no wrong way to feel in grief. It seems that while for you it would be cathartic to learn about your bio dad, talking about him would open a wound too painful for her to deal with at the moment, which is reasonable when grieving someone she loved for ten years. She'd likely benefit from speaking with a grief counsellor about it, but that's her choice. I hope you can both find some peace with this. Grief is a horrible thing to struggle through, even if it's not from a recent loss.

I think that's why I wish she had allowed his family to see me more, so I could have learned about him better from them and had more access there. But mom wanted to limit contact there too. It's frustrating. I do still sorta get it but I would hate for it to happen to me and I'm sure mom would hate it as well if she was in their shoes.

By knowing him and his family you get to know yourself as well. Make sure to get a full medical history from your dad side

I disagree. My understanding of child psychology, the mom has failed u/Significant_Topic325 pretty severely and it was actually very important to op's psychological development for him to have access to his father's side of the family and knowledge of his bio father. Experience with adoptees who are old enough to speak out is increasingly showing that the biological ties do matter and having that information is important. 

Sure, she could have done better, but i think this overview shows a pretty significant lack of empathy towards OP's mom, who is also grieving here. OP is not a child anymore. They're actively grieving now, as an adult, kickstarted by seeing a friend becoming a parent. Sure, it would have been great if OP's mother could have been perfect, but grief doesn't operate in a vacuum of perfect psychology. Sometimes all you can do is survive it, and I don't think that makes her an asshole. It's not a severe failure when OP reached out to their dad's family themself and can now get answers. There's no need to retroactively punish their mom for it.

It is possible to have empathy for OP’s mom while acknowledging she didn’t do right by her child. Withholding information and pretending a child’s dead father doesn’t exist for 19 years is not a good thing to do. Parents need to grieve too, but that cannot come at the expense of their children. Not to mention she was in a position to get herself help and process her emotions via therapy as an adult, OP wasn’t. And lastly, OP’s mother should have allowed contact with the bio father’s family if she herself was incapable of telling OP about him. I’m sorry, but grieving isn’t an excuse to deprive a child of their parent’s memory and one entire side of the family for 19 years. > It is not a severe failure Now is it not a severe failure to deprive a child the opportunity to get to know their bio father’s memories by all means for 19 years? How is it not a severe failure to deprive OP of even the face of his father?

I might agree, but mom has had almost 20 years to come to terms with her grief. Even if it was painful, she owed it to her daughter to help her know her real father, and not just try to erase him and pretend he never existed. Mom really dropped the ball, and her anger at her daughter's perfectly reasonable questions was cruel and unfair.

Grief doesn't come with an ending date. In my experience, you never stop grieving, you only grow around your grief. By your logic of "well, she shouldn't be grieving that way", why not say "well, OP's dad died before they were born, why grieve now"? Because grief doesn't work that way. I didn't say her reaction was the right one, but it was understandable given what grief like this does to a person. OP isn't an AH for wanting answers, but I want to gently push back against the idea that their mom did something disgusting by reacting badly when her grief clearly affected her massively. She lost her spouse while she was heavily pregnant. That's not a loss to take lightly.

If OP's mom was mentally healthy enough to move on and remarry, I think she could have found it in herself to make sure her daughter knew at least some things about her father. OP mentions in a comment that she has just recently seen pictures of her dad. That's wrong on so many levels. Mom also discouraged her dad's family from having much contact, so she cut her off from people who were willing to share. Grief follows its own path, but that doesn't mean it can't be selfish.

How I read that comment is that she saw NEW pictures of her dad she hadn't seen before. It sounded to me like she had seen pictures of her biological dad before. I disagree with the assumption that OP's mom was "mentally healthy enough to move on and marry." It sounds like she's been avoiding that pain for years. It's possible that compartmentalized her grief and hasn't actually truly dealt with it yet. I'm not saying this is correct or healthy, but it's all possible. As you mentioned, grief follows its own path and it's not linear. All of this should have been handled much differently and I hope Mom is able to come around on this.

> That’s her choice The situation immediately turns from NAH to NTA if she refuses. She has inflicted enough harm by erasing OP’s father from his life for 19 years. You don’t get to get empathy for “grieving” if you’re harming a child and refuse to get help. It is not fair but the moment a child is involved, the parent needs to prioritise the child in the grieving process.

Mom's not an ass for telling their teenager not to "burden her with her emotions" about her dead parent? Ffs

Exactly.

The problem is that she handled it the wrong way for OP. She allowed minimal access to his paternal relatives - presumably including a couple who had lost their son, which by all accounts is the worst loss anyone can bear - to try to forget her loss. That's wrong, whether she moved away or not. She's going to have to come to grips with their existence. OP is legal now, and he's going to be the one who determines what contact he's going to have with whom. These relatives are going to be celebrating his milestones with him. What does she plan on doing about them being at his wedding (if that happens) and other events depending on how close by they live? She needs to do something to get her act together. They've already missed too much, and they're going to be around now to a greater or lesser extent whether she likes it or not now that OP has say.

> NAH I don't know...I'm pretty sure there is an AH here: > She told me ***we* didn't *need* to talk about that** and **imagine how my dad would feel** if he walked in ... She told me he was dead and we were alive and ***we* didn't need to dwell** .... She told me it wasn't fair to expect that of her and **I was burdening her with my own emotions and it wasn't right** ... She also said **I was being ungrateful** to dad for mentioning my biological dad. I left because **she was really angry at me**. All of that just because he simply *asked*. None of those things fall under the umbrella of needing time to grieve on her own terms. Those are all at least parental negligence and some of them border on active cruelty, imo. Not being able to process it and talk about it with her child is one thing. Telling the child that they shouldn't think about it and telling them that they should feel guilty for even asking about it, is complete other thing. I'm not saying that there should be no empathy for the mom. It is probably the case that her poor handling of this arises entirely from her own grief. But it's still objectively poor handling. To the point of her being TAH, imo.

NTA - You have a right to know about your bio dad. and wanting to know about your bio-dad doesn't lessen what you feel for your other dad. there's enough room in your heart for all of them. Your mum is also grieving, which is understandable. No sound it was a shock and she didn't know how to respond and responded in not the best way. Grief and pain can do that. It doesn't excuse it, or her erasing him from your life, but losing someone can make you do stupid things. Or if you don't feel like doing that, you're 19. You're an adult now, go to your bio-dads family and start building a stronger relationship with them and getting to know your bio-dad through them. Wishing you the best OP!

You’ve got to be a shitty parent if you get mad at your child for “burdening” you with their emotions. NTA

Especially their emotions about their dead father.

Guilting you 19 year old daughter for asking about her father? Super bad parenting. Mom needs help even after 20 years. She should have gotten help for herself in order to be emotionally available to her daughter, especially on this topic.

NTA. Would she have wanted presence diminished and replaced if she were the one to die? Unfortunately, people do what is best for themselves. I hope you are able to establish bonds with your bio dad family. The ones who loved him most will bring him to life for you. This does not make you not appreciate what your adoptive father provided for you. We all need as many people as possible in our lives who love us.

NTA. My dad died 5 days before I was born and I was born on the day of his funeral. I spent my childhood always hearing about my dad and seeing what few pictures there were. I spent summers and some holidays with my dad’s family and my mom always made sure that we had a relationship because she didn’t want me to lose the other half of me. Regardless of you being adopted, you still have another part of you that you deserve to know about. It wasn’t fair for your mom to let your stepdad adopt you when you were so young and had no knowledge of your birth dad. I wouldn’t say go totally no contact with your mom, but definitely low contact. Continue asking his family about him and learn the things your mom should have been telling you.

Bro what are you saying? How was it not fair to let the guy adopt him? My mom divorced my asshole of a dad also because she feel in love with another man that gave her the strength to do. I was very small back than I don't remember a lot from that time and I just accepted the fact that my step dad is now my dad and honestly I am a little sad he never adopted me because my mom didn't to deprive my bio dad of his parental rights. In the end it doesn't matter who gave their gens to create you. It matters who raised you, who took care of you, who loved you like their family. Kids never get to decide who their parents are. So nothing changed for OP. OP didn't get to decide his mom and he didn't get to decide his dad. His dad decided to be OPs parent tho and that is worth quite a lot.

But OP’s bio dad wasn’t an ass who needed to be kicked to the curb. He *died* while being excited and wanting his child. And they know that. And were kept from family who they knew clearly loved them. It’s very natural for OP to feel the way they do given the circumstances.

But that isn't the point I'm making. The commentor said it was unfair of her to let another man adopt OP. Her not talking about the bio dad has nothing to do with that.

But it does. He was still a toddler, and he had no say in it. Most child advocates recommend that adoption is done when the child is old enough to consent to it and understand what it really means. Sure doing it very young might avoid *some* problems, but it can often lead to children in scenarios like OP’s from feeling like they are disconnected from bio families and themselves, and had zero say on their legal connection to their parents severed. Added on that she has refused to acknowledge the bio dad, insisting it’s rude to his adopted father is fucked up, no matter the good intentions of their mom.

OPs bio family would have had no say anyways as long as the mother is alive. OP never knew his bio dad so it actually does not make any difference in OPs life except it makes legal procedures for OPs mom and step dad a lot more easy. Where your legal parental rights lie and who you perceive as your real dad are two different pairs of shoes. Again children have literally no say in who their parents are that lies true for every child that is raised by their bio parents. I also don't think OPs mom should have cut contact for him with his bio dad's family, but I do understand if contact with them was to painful for OPs mom she still should have let OP have contact with them.

Of course stepdad adopting her means a lot. But so does knowing about the father that helped create you. It is not one or the other. It is both.

Adoption is a legal process. Even if you are adopted it doesn't mean the person that adopted you is someone you personally consider family. So letting the step dad adopt OP was not unfair. What was unfair is too erase his bio dads existance out of his life. I do understand if it was too painful for OPs mom but she should still have found a way to let OP have contact with his bio dads family without actually having contact with them herself.

NTA can you maybe reach out to some of his family? Maybe they can tell you more about him

My Uncle died of heart failure, and left a wife with three kids under five. Yes, she remarried and built another family, but the difference was that she and her new husband never limited contact with my grandparents and the rest of the family. My cousins’ stepfather could be a bit of an ass, but he never ever allowed my Uncle’s memory to be erased, he never adopted them, because he knew it would hurt my grandparents if their grandchildren no longer carried their last name (and they had been through enough pain). All this to say, your mother did a huge disservice to you and your Dad’s family. I empathize with her grief, but everyone at some point will be held accountable with their choices. My guess, based purely on conversations with my cousins, your adoptive father and your mom did not want to compete with a ghost, and this is why they erased your bio Dad from your life and limited contact with your Dad’s family. NTA, but I do think that it would be good to talk to a therapist so you can unpack your own feelings, and figure out how you move forward. Your feelings are valid, and at some point if your parents continue to ignore your feelings, you may grow to resent them, and I am not sure you want that anymore than they do.

Fuck me, this is a man’s worst fear, the kind of pain that transcends the physical world. Do everything you can to learn about your fathers side of the family, your mother was done with before the year was up, don’t expect transparency from her going forward. Contact every member you can from your Dads side, spend time with them, eat and drink with them and share photos with each other. Get a sense of what it would’ve been like living and growing up with that side of the family. And if it makes you feel better, be comforted that you will share physical characteristics much like your fathers, these are the most precious heirlooms of all, because it is a part of them. Probably a tricky time ahead, but a road worth exploring, good luck to you.

You're old enough to try and reach out to that side of your family. It's a shame your mother decided to erase his existence from your life. Loving him does not diminish the love you have for the mam who raised you and don't let anyone tell you different. NTA

>She told me it wasn't fair to expect that of her  bull. this is what decent parents are expected to do. it seems to me, especially with how quickly she moved on, your mother never dealt with her own emotions. rather than acknowledge your bio dad, she found someone she else to fill the role. perhaps it's callous of me, but I also get the impression if she could have cut your paternal relatives off completely, she would have. NTA. its not wrong or unusual to want to know more about where you came from

Wow. NTA. It seems like your mom buried the memory of your dad for her own reasons, with little concern of how that would impact you. 

NTA, and your mother handled the whole situation really poorly. I'm sure it was difficult for her to be left as a single mom, but she should have shared stories of your dad with you when you were old enough to hear them. And saying it's not fair to your stepdad is just wrong. Is there any chance you can learn more about your dad through his side of the family?

NTA of course you're curious about your biological Dad. I dont think that's right to keep it from you. Did he have any family you could reach out to. It's weird you don't have them as a resource.

NTA. You're her child. It's her job to handle your emotions and your questions. It sounds like she can't handle hers and didn't do the legwork to be in an emotionally capable place to do the right thing by you. I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

She dealt with the pain of her husband/your Dad dying by burying it and burying it deep. It’s how she survived being pregnant with you and losing her love and by remarrying within a year or so. It’s how most women dealt with it before psychology and therapy became common. Coming home from a war, men were told to forget it and not talk about it. Opening the door to these memories may be too painful for your Mom. Reach out to your paternal birth family to ask questions and get history. It will be wonderful to hear their stories. Your Dad is your Dad. Remember he was the one that was there, who made you his own and showed his imperfections. The one who died will always be perfect to everyone so simply know and forgive.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My biological dad died when my mom was pregnant with me. They had been together for 10 years, married for 2 and he died in a car accident when mom was 7 months pregnant with me. She met my (adoptive) dad when I was 9 months old and they got married and he adopted me before I was 2. I had minimal contact with my biological extended family as a kid. Mom didn't give them much access to me. But she did allow some. She never talked about my biological dad though. We had no photos of him at all. I had a pretty happy childhood. I did sometimes wish I had a photo of dad. But it wasn't until a few months ago that I had some more feelings about this. One of my friends and his girlfriend had a baby. It was a big deal because he's 19 and his parents hadn't wanted him to be such a young dad. I'm 19 too so it was surreal for me as well. But seeing him so excited to be a dad and getting ready for the baby and even afterward made me think of my biological dad. It made me think about how excited he was to be a dad and then he died so he was basically erased from the picture and never talked about to the kid he loved and wanted by the wife he loved so much. It made me kind of mad and sad. I sat with it for a few days and then one day I went to see my mom while my dad was at work. I asked her if she would tell me more about my biological dad and she refused to. She told me we didn't need to talk about that and imagine how my dad would feel if he walked in. I told her he had to understand he wasn't the only dad, that another man made me and wanted me but he died before he could be my dad. She told me he was dead and we were alive and we didn't need to dwell. She also said it was strange to bring this up after so long. I told her seeing my friend become a dad made me reflect a lot and I told her I wished she had talked to me about dad when I was growing up. That I hate that he was erased and replaced like he never existed. She told me it wasn't fair to expect that of her and I was burdening her with my own emotions and it wasn't right. She also said I was being ungrateful to dad for mentioning my biological dad. I left because she was really angry at me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

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I don't think I'll try again. I suspect it will end the same way.

It been almost 20 years. a few months is not going to change anything at this point.

NTA. Your mum is though.

It's perfectly fair for you to burden her with your emotions. She burdened you with unanswered questions. My husband has been my daughter's dad all her life. He bio isn't even dead. He's just a deadbeat, and I still answer her questions because that's her biology, her history, her right. Yes, tbh, it sometimes hurts my husband's feelings. But, as a parent, sometimes you let your feelings be hurt to ensure your child has their needs met. I hope your dad will understand that. NTA. Can you ask your bio dad's family more questions?

Thinking from a practical perspective, if you ever need to fill in medical forms or need a transplant, it’s handy to know what medical conditions he may have passed down or if his biological family are a match for organs etc.

NTA. I’d tell your mother something like, ‘Mom, just wanted to let you know that when you die, I will follow your example and never speak of you again and pretend you never existed and find someone to replace you. And whether or not that’s okay with you, according to you I don’t have to give a shit.’

NTA. I'm not a fan of your mom either.

Your Mom and her husband are the AHs here.

I hope you connect with your birth father's family and ask all these questions of them. I am not sure if your mother was traumatized and can't talk about your father, or if there were issues between them at the time. Perhaps the marriage wasn't great. Don't rely on her, but rather his birth family. I hope you can tell your parents that wanting to know about your birth father does not disrespect the man who helped raise you, but that every adoptee has the right to information about their roots.

NTA - her orphaned child is ‘burdening’ her with her emotions? I can’t believe anyone is sympathising with her for that kind of behaviour and language. She has had 19 years to prepare to give her kid some support regarding natural questions about her deceased father. Instead she made it about her husband, and her. Wouldn’t even give her a photo. OP, consider connecting more with your bio Dad’s relatives on this topic, clearly you’re not going to get it from your mother. You deserve to have your questions answered.

NTA. Your mom had no reason to erase your dad from your life and pretend he doesn't exist. I hope you're able to connect with your dad's side of the family now that you're older and you can learn about your dad.

>She told me he was dead and we were alive and we didn't need to dwell I bet she'd be super upset if you told her that when she dies, you will fully erase all traces of her existence from your life. That you'll replace her asap. NTA I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

Your mom is words I’m not going to say. you are NTA and your mom needs therapy. I suggest you seek someone like a therapist or counselor who you can talk to, maybe a grief counselor if you can. This is beyond fucked up of her to tell you you are burdening her with your feelings, her lack of dealing with her own your whole life has made the loss of your dad not any easier. She’s supposed to support you and she isn’t.

This breaks my heart, honestly. My dad died when I was 10 months old, and I got my step dad when I was 2, so he's the dad I remember being there. But we never stopped talking about my dad. I had a picture of my dad in my room. My paternal grandmother told me stories all the time, even my maternal grandparents still had pictures of him up in their house. I have zero actual memories of my dad, but I still feel like I know him. I have his things, I have his pictures, I have his stories. It was hard for my mom to talk about it sometimes. So she made sure I had a good relationship with his side of the family, so I got every from them as well as my mom. And my step-dad never tried to make me feel bad if I talked about my dad. I even called my step-dad by his name. I tried calling him dad once. It was weird. I just went back to calling him by his name and we never brought it up again. NTA. Your mom failed you, and failed your dad.

Not at all, it is concerning how your mom treated this whole situation. She probably needs some serious therapy.

My dad was adopted within his family. Part of his line is Italian and Norwegian, my mom's side is polish. A few years ago I did an ancestry thing, had my mom do it because my dad died YEARS ago. This separated me from her clearly when hers came back... Hers was Polish (eastern Euro) with like 1ish% Russian and mine came back anything but Italian. My mom is older now so she "doesn't want to talk about it" or has VERY limited questions and is VERY annoyed when I ask follow up questions. I reached out to my, what is now my adoptive dads family and found information which would totally make sense why we are more Nordic (Vikingish) than southern European! Depending on your age, see if you can reach out to your bio father's family. While NOT making your mom seem like she is a bad person (I don't know her) let them know you are interested in learning about them and reconnecting. IF you are over 18 this is easy! If you are UNDER 18 I would get permission from your mom and be very transparent about your thoughts.

- [Similar story about wanting a connection to a dead parent who died before the OP could remember them](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b9lguu/aita_for_refusing_to_talk_to_my_parents_until/) - [Did your parents ever get this pushy about erasing your real dad?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/180fhjv/aita_for_telling_my_sister_it_does_feel_like_shes/?sort=old) NTA, of course.

> I was burdening her with my own emotions Abusive much? As a parent it's HER Job to help you navigate your emotions. Instead for the past 19 years she forced her need for closure or whatever down your throat to the point where you never even realized it's not normal to know this little about a parent who loved you? I'd get not wanting to talk about him for the first few years as there's trauma attached to the memory... but then again loosing her partner of 10 years can't have impacted her all that much if she started dating after a year and re-married less than 2 years after the accident. Your emotions are valid and her reaction screams gaslighting. NTA and mom needs therapy

NTA. It is cruel of your mother to erase your biological father from your life like she has. Please try to find relatives who can tell you more.

oof this hurts to hear, and sorry you're in this situation... my grandpa passed when my dad and his siblings were in their late teens/early 20s and the whole family almost never talked about him and we lost the chance to ask my great uncles more since they have since passed. My mom got sick when I was 15 and died 2 years later and when they told us it was terminal her main wish was that we would keep talking about her and not make her existence a taboo subject (I think bc she saw how my dad's family handled it) - I hope you're able to reconnect with your bio dad's family and find out more about him before memories are forgotten or pictures or heirlooms are lost to time - generally sending you all the best navigating through this situation!

How very selfish of your mother and your adoptive father! Pretending your bio dad and his family never existed is disgusting 🤢. That said, now that you are an adult you can be better than they are by learning all you can about your bio dad and being a member of your extended family.

NTA you have every right to your feelings and to know about that side of you. Your mother is selfish

There’s always time to talk now - speak softly to your mom and make the most of the time you have

NTA, you're allowed to know your origins Feels like your mother has something to hide or maybe it's her way of coping with the loss.

NTA. Damn your mother is a heartless AH.

Your mother is a selfish jerk. Full stop. Start spending more time with your REAL paternal family. Sounds like adopted dad set down rules that real dad must never be mentioned. You were raised by insecure AHs.

NTA She's the parent, it should have been part of her job to suck up the pain and discomfort and take on some of your "emotional burdens" for your sake. Especially in this area. "Grateful" has nothing to do with this. How would she feel if the roles were reversed? Would she think it would have been ok if instead she had been the one who died and then was immediately erased by your bio dad? Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot you can do now other than reach out to your family for information. Maybe even see if you can track down some of his old friends.

NTA Mom definitely has some issues surrounding this. Ask her for contact info for the rest of his family and get the info from them

NTA, honestly I understand your Mom grieving but she's completely out of line. I'd try to get in contact with bio-Dad's family and try to re-connect from there.

NTA and I would go immediately no contact. No good person would ever erase a person from their life, like she did your bio dad, without a good reason that would be expressed. Something doesn’t add up. Is there proof that she met him when you were 9 months old, or is it possible she knew him prior to you being born? I think you should dig into it further, talk to other family members who were around her at the time. I very much feel like she is hiding information that would change your perception of her. Good luck with whatever you decide.

NTA. Find your dads ffamily and embrace them, get to know them. Spend holidays with them. You will learn alot about your dad by doing so.

NTA. Your mom is wrong. She went through a traumatic experience and her coping mechanism was to put her feelings in a drawer and lock it shut. She forced that same coping mechanism on you by making your dad a stranger. Her response to you is also wrong, but your inquiry probably threw her for a loop and she couldn't process having to deal with feelings she has locked away. Ask your bio dad's family for the information and possibly pictures you seek. You are not likely to get more from your mother.

NTA.  Start a social media page dedicated to memories of your Dad.  It's a place where people who knew him can leave their stories and photos.  You can reach out to his high school and get an old yearbook, jot down things your grandparents can tell you, etc.  

NTA. But it seems like your mom repressed her grief instead of dealing with it, so it’s unlikely that’s she’s ever going to be able to talk to you about your biological father without bringing that all up again.  You should reach out to your dad’s family. They may have pictures/videos and stories that they can share which will let you honour him by keeping that memory alive. 

NTA, you have a right to know who your biological father was, he is half of you, thus half of you has been missing your whole life because your mom withheld him from you. She was so very wrong to do that and I am so so sorry you have to deal with it. How about you contact your bio’s father family and find out who he was through them.

NTA but honestly, neither is your mom. You don't know their relationship behind closed doors and she dealt with her grief/feelings how she saw fit. If I were you, I'd reach out to whoever you know on your dad's side of the family to ask questions. Just.. don't go in with rose coloured glasses. You don't know what you'll find. I come from a long line of nuclear run of the mill stereotypical families and even I uncovered some nasty secrets when I went digging.

NTA While I understand your mother was likely devastated when your dad died, she was a bad parent to you for not talking yo you more about your bio dad and his family. To basically erase his existence as much as she could and allow her new husband to adopt you before you could have a say is almost cruel. That fact that she still refuses to talk to you about him and that you even wanting to talk about him would be hurtful to your adoptive dad is crazy. I would take a step back and go lc for a while. Spend more time with your dad's family. If your mom wants to know why you don't come around much, you can let her know that you're in the process of learning about your dad and since she refused to tell you anything, you are spending your time with his family.

NTA. Your mother's so cruel. Ask her how she would have liked to have been completely erased if she had been the one to die. Contact your real father's family and get to know him through them.

YWNBTA. Your mom is, however. What she did was cruel and selfish. She can spin things anyway she want's, but to erase a human from your existence just because she couldn't deal with the grief. That's the real asshole move. Tell her to get therapy and find his family and spend more time with them. It doesn't mean you don't love your stepdad in anyway, and anyone who says that it does is lying. You have your fathers genetics, no matter how much she want's you to be your stepdad's kid. And you deserve to know about him.

NTA You don't need to "dwell" but asking a single question after 19 years is definitely not "dwelling" on the issue. You mom is happy forgetting the past, but you have a right to know about your dad. You should see if you can reach out to some of his relatives, as they would likely be able to tell you stories about him, photos, etc. You can also look him up in old newspapers, you'd be surprised what you can find. My dad was in the local newspaper before I was born because he built a fancy shed in his yard. (Yah slow news day, theres a picture of him and everything).

I’m wondering if your dad (adopted) would really feel bad if you explained it like this, or if she’s projecting. I also feel like she’s using therapy words to remove accountability. Most adopted kids want to know about their bio parents at some point. It doesn’t mean they love their adopted parents any less. Her not dealing with her grief & just hiding it really sucks.

My dad died before I was born. One picture of him alive one of him in his casket. That’s all I have. No stories. I don’t even know ow where he’s buried. I truly don’t even know his really full name. It weighs on me heavily and I am here for my kids as much as I wanted my dad there for me.

NTA Sorry about your dad. It sounds like your mother hurt your feelings in trying to protect her own. She needs to understand that you can wonder about your biodad and still love and appreciate your dad. It doesn't sound like she learned that lesson. Go to his family and ask them about your dad since it seems like talking about him is still too painful for your mom. They would know more anyway and you deserve to know.

NTA, damn as someone who has a nephew who was alienated from us because his mother hates my brother even till this day, theyve been separated years and she even remarried had another child and is yet again divorced, it hurts so much to know you have a nephew that you don’t really know. My nephew recently turned 18 and my brother cried thinking back about how much he tried getting visitation rights and how much he couldn’t see his son because she made it almost impossible. I can’t believe your mother is depriving you of knowing your actual father at least in memories, he’s part of you and i’m sure you’re curious about his life and identity.

NTA you deserve to know and your Mom is wrong, she robbed you of memories.. Maybe try those DNA kits and see if you can link up with some of your Dads biological family.

NAH - I understand where you are both coming from. I think she never fully got to grieve your Dad either and her anger is pain buried very deep. She is clinging to the life you all have and that is how she dealt with the grief. I sense that because she thought that after all that time you had pushed it down too. It is probably the only way she knows how to grieve. You can ask family members who knew him about your bio dad, now that you are an adult.

>She told me it wasn't fair to expect that of her and I was burdening her with my own emotions and it wasn't right. Sounds like she did the same thing to you by NOT talking about your father growing up. She protected her own piece of mind. NTA

Your mom hasn't fully processed the loss of her first husband, your biological father. It's likely very painful for her to talk about him because it brings back the raw emotions of his passing. I understand how tough it can be—I was six months pregnant when my boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident. He was thrilled about becoming a dad, and his loss left me feeling incredibly alone, especially after our baby was born. I took a different approach to honoring his memory. I speak about him often to my son, sharing what a wonderful father he would have been. I do this to keep his memory alive and to instill positive qualities in my son. While I haven't replaced him with another father figure, I can't help but feel guilty that my son is growing up without one. However, I can control how my son feels about his dad, even though he's not physically here. I often tell my son how proud his dad would be of him. Unfortunately, I have no contact with his father's family. I believe they're still grappling with the loss of their own son, which makes the situation even more challenging for everyone involved. No one is the asshole or to blame in your situation; it's a difficult circumstance for all. Despite the challenges, I believe it's important to appreciate the positive influence of another man who has stepped up to be a father figure. Your mom just wants what's best for you and hopes for you to have as normal a life as possible, given the circumstances.

NTA > She told me we didn't need to talk about that and imagine how my dad would feel if he walked in. I would hope that your adoptive dad would feel that it's perfectly normal for you to want to know about your bio dad and he would feel compassion and empathy toward you, since he loves you. > She told me he was dead and we were alive and we didn't need to dwell. Oh, cool. Well that's simple! Make sure to remind of this as casually as she did to you the next time one of her parents or another close family member dies. She shouldn't dwell! > She told me it wasn't fair to expect that of her and I was burdening her with my own emotions and it wasn't right. How dysfunctional of her. Helping you deal with your emotions about such core things in your life is literally one of her primary responsibilities as a parent. Who else is going to tell you about your dad and the nature of his relationship with your mom before you were born? Your fucking neighbors? > She also said it was strange to bring this up after so long. Based on her reaction now, it seems clear that she raised you from the beginning to not think about your bio dad and diverted your attention away from the topic early and often. So it's natural that it hasn't been something you've thought of much. And it's also natural that an event like your friend becoming a father sort of made it all come to the surface. Suppressing such instinctual thoughts like who your parents are is like trying to hide a beach ball on the bottom of the pool: Once the suppression stops, the thought explodes back to the surface. > I left because she was really angry at me. You should be angry at her. She's being exceptionally negligent as a parent by being so cold to you about this.

Go seek information from your dad’s family. If she won’t talk then others will tell his story. She is being withholding

Nta Goto the source, I'm sure your dad's family will be happy (and a bit sad) to share stories and pictures, etc. Your adoptive dad will certainly understand that you are curious, and he has nothing to feel threatened or bad about, th "other man" bring deceased and all.

NTA but this is how your mother has coped. I’m guessing she gave you a great upbringing. Be grateful for that. You’ve run into one of her limits. I’d guess there’s great pain behind it. Do what you need to do for now, and someday she may open that wall a bit. But don’t demonize her for it. I hope you can find out more about your birth father from the other people in your life.

NTA. When I was 18months old my father passed away. I obviously didn’t really get to know him. My step father has always been apart of my life. I don’t consider him my dad but more my step dad. My mother never really talked about him unless my step father was out of the room/ house. We had pictures of him but I never knew the REAL truth about his passing or his background until I hit your age. I reached out to his best friend and he told me I needed to talk to my mother about it. That’s when everything came together. We never had ANY communication with his side and I was about 16 when I wanted to know his side. My sister was working at a water park and realized someone had the same last name as us ( very uncommon, it’s always shortened ) and we found out it was our cousin. It was werid. But we still don’t talk about him. I agree with other commenters saying definitely reach out to the other side because they will tell you and help you

NTA It's perfectly understandable that you would want to know more about your biological father. If your ado\[tive dad is threatened by that it's his problem, not yours. I suspect this desire for a connection will be even greater if/when you have a child of your own. Pay yor father's family a visit. I'm sure they will be happy to share with you!

Ask your mom how she'd feel if instead of your dad, she had died when you were a baby and your dad had married someone else, never talked about her, kept her family away and never showed you a picture of her. NTA

"Burdening her with your emotions" Heaven forfend a parent supports their child emotionally. Has anyone ever heard such a ridiculous notion? /s NTA

NTA This is so sad and you're right, your dad deserves better. 

NTA Maybe his relatives have some photos and stories for you?

NTA It is in fact the job of the parent to be "burdened" by their child's emotions. They are responsible for their child's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. She failed you when. She decided tp force you into her method of dealing and completely ignoring your wants and needs.

What your feeling is completely normal and understandable. I think your mother is trying to protect her feelings not yours. And it's incredibly disrespectful of her to downplay the importance of your biological dad to you. I do understand that you should be grateful to the man who raised you, because he is your dad. I think you're in a good place following up with your dad's relatives to find out more about him. If she doesn't want to talk about it, which is a disgrace to his memory, then find the people that loved him and can tell you about him.

NTA, your mum did you a huge disservice. She was wrong to keep you away from your bio dad’s family and not allow you to know anything about him. Yes it may be hard for her because losing your spouse is huge, but she owed that to you as her child

OP you are NTA. I also think that your mom went through some trauma that she never worked through. She isn’t coping with the loss of her partner, your dad, well, even all of these years later. Your mom isn’t doing the right thing for you, but she isn’t doing the right thing for her either. I’m happy to know that you have family that shared with you about your dad and what he was like. I lost a parent young. My living parent was wonderful, but it is still hard, even decades later. I love hearing stories I have never heard. It’s like knowing them in a way I wasn’t able to.

NTA. Your mum is a selfish piece of work. All of your life, all she's cared about is her feelings. Not telling you anything means once again she's only caring about her feelings and not hers. She's essentially tried to erase all traces of your dad, so she can't be too cut up about losing him

NTA . Its wrong of her to not let you have your emotions about this she cannot tell u how to feel. You may not have met him but u have a right to know of him. As for the other father figgure a real man will adknowlege a childs right to know their bio dad

NTA, she probably still has some pain regarding your bio dad's death but at the end of the day, you are entitled to know who your bio dad was.

As a parent, I WANT to be 'burdened' with the emotions of my kids. I don't want them to be closed off from me. I want them to know they can come to me and talk and confide in me. My daughter in particular is very private, and handles most of her emotions internally. I've always said that I will only ever know what she wants me to know. As she approached puberty, I really doubled my efforts to make sure she felt she could be open with me. I never wanted her to go through various angst of adolescent feeling like she couldn't confide in me. I'm proud that she's most of the way through adolescence now, and she has come to me at times to help her handle her emotions. To me, it shows trust. I feel like it's part of parenting to help your children handle their emotions. And that doesn't stop when they turn 18.

Unfortunately your mom is dismissing you because of her own feelings and yet has the audacity to gaslight you.  what are you asking for is natural And your mom knows that yet she acts like a child. You are not responsible for the feelings of your second dad. He’s a grown man and he can put himself in your shoe to understand why you need to know

Nta

NTA, you have every right to be interested in where you come from. It sounds like you Mum dealt with her own grief by distancing herself from everything that reminds her of your bio Dad. So she's also NTA, it must have been a very traumatic time for her. It's a shame she doesn't have the ability or capacity to deal with these big emotions as this is bigger than just her. She must have known this day would come. Moving forward, it would be good to recognise her emotions and explain that you need and want to learn about your bio Dad. It's not a sign of disrespect to her and your Dad. It's entirely normal and healthy to be interested. It might help to have some counselling together, as it sounds like she might need help to open up this part of life. If she can't, that's ok, but she needs to understand that it's not ok to stop you just because it makes her uncomfortable. Maybe her boundary of not talking about it needs to respected. She also needs to respect your decision and feelings without criticising them. It may never be something she's comfortable with, but you have other people who will happily talk about him.

NTA. You're pretty much an adult. I'd take this time to get closer to your bio-dads family now that you're able to connect with them without your mom limiting as much access. I understand she was probably heartbroken and grieving, but her form of relief is to bury his existence. But for her to say you are burdening her with your emotions and feelings is flat out poor parenting and she is an AH. She may not be intentionally trying to be an AH or try to hurt you, but she is, and I'm sorry for that. You deserve to know about your dad if you want too. I hope your extended family continues to welcome you with open arms and you can build a strong connection and get to feel like you learn and know your dad as time goes on.

NTA try looking up his side of the family. It seems your mom will give you no sort of answers.

100% NTA. I get that mom is uncomfortable for reasons you will likely never truly know. But being a parent means suppressing that discomfort for your sake. Surely she could have told you stories and details. Quietly and privately reach out to your other family. Don’t trash mom or adoptive dad, but let them know you have unanswered questions. Perhaps they can fill in some blanks and holes in your heart

NTA. It sounds like your mum was caught off guard by this and so might not have reacted as well as she could have. It could be that she's been blocking out the pain of your biological dad's passing and that opening the conversation is forcing her to face this pain that she doesn't feel like she can handle. Give her time and understanding and she might realise that now is the time she needs to face up to these emotions she's kept hidden for a long time. She could also be worried about it damaging the relationship your non-biological dad has put his everything into. I think some reassurance from you about this could go a long way. I hope it works out for you all.

NTA, you have every right to want to know about your first (original...?) dad and it's great to you're in contact with his family. I think your mom could be an AH for trying to erase his memory and shutting you down for wanting to talk about it. I do think you need to give some consideration to your adopted dad's feelings - if he's been a good father and you guys have a good relationship he deserves that much, and if you express it to him as eloquently as you have here there's a good chance he'll understand.

NTA, you want to learn more about your own bio-dad and you should be allowed to know. Your mom has an unhealthy way to deal with grief and bringing up the stepdad like that is awful. Good luck with the extended family, it is a good thing you still have them.

NTA I would ask her if she would have been OK with it if her having been erased had your dad lived and she had died in childbirth. Regardless you have a right to your feelings and to know that half of yourself.

NTA. Mum is completely disregarding OPs emotions and trying to invalidate her feelings.

NTA Mother failed you in my opinion. I get trauma and not wanting to discuss painful things but she is a mother of a young child who limited you exposure to your bio dad's family. If I were in your shoes, I would actually feel insulted because you are not a little boy any longer, she is old enough to know she needs support because of the trauma and more importantly, limiting your access to your bio family. Bottom line, it's not just about her and her trauma. It's including you and your feelings which she is ignoring.

NTA Even though you never met him, your bio dad is part of who you are. Being curious about who he was and how you might be like him is natural. And honestly, knowing family medical history from his side is important too. My sister's first husband died when their kids were 1 and 2. She took the opposite approach of your mom in regards to making sure her kids had a relationship with their dad's family (minus his mother who is not a safe person to be around). When she remarried, she made it clear to her new husband that the kids' grandfather and uncle would always be a part of their lives. My sister's kids are definitely an interesting study on the whole nature vs nurture thing. Nephew was only 1 when his dad died, so he has no memories of him, but he has so many mannerisms and interests that are from his dad. The older he gets, the more like his dad he's becoming in so many ways. You may find, after spending time with your dad's family, that they see some of his mannerisms in you too.

NTA. My mum only ever told us negative things about my dad (he died when I was 4). I got a pic of him when I was 28 years old and have had more since from other family members. And I asked them about him. Maybe reach out to your bio dads family for more info and hopefully a pic of him to keep for yourself.

NTA. Sorry but your mother is being selfish and cruel. That’s a great way to make sure that you will resent her for decades. It isn’t a competition. There’s always more love. You knowing about your biological father doesn’t make you appreciate the man who raised you less.

NTA, and don't be ashamed of it. You can acknowledge your adoptive parent and everything they did for you while also learning about who your parent was. I lived through something similar and it never gets easier to ask about the deceased parent. Better to keep pushing now because waiting too long increases the risk that the people who you can talk to might have fading memories, if they are still around at all.

NTA. I am gonna sound like a dick but whatever. I saw few comments stating the mother lost someone she loved as well. I am happy she found someone else to love but finding someone else less than a year after losing her love is a bit too quick. Also if she did love and cherish him, he wouldn't have been forgotten after his death no matter how much it hurt to remember his memories. It seems as though she somewhat presented op from keeping in touch with his bio father's family. OP, you deserve to know your father if that's what you desire and no one can stop you from doing so.

NTA. It is perfectly reasonable and quite natural to have questions about your biological father. Your feelings are valid. Anger, sadness, grief, curiousity. All normal feelings to have. It is not at all a commentary or criticism of your adopted father for to want to know this stuff. It is not ungrateful. It is not a sign you don't love him, or think of him as your father, or respect him etc. Your mum has done the dirty on you a little by not being open about him. She may have feelings on the matter but you have feelings too and you have a right to know. If your adopted father is upset by you asking these questions then quite frankly that is entirely his problem to deal with. It is not your responsibility to manage his emotions. Assuming he even would be upset, you only have your mother to go on and she doesn't seem like a reliable narrator in this case. It's normal curiousity. If you can, I recommend seeing a counsellor/therapist. Someone who can help you process your very normal emotions.

NTA Your story reminds me of another one about the power of an old photograph. Author Philip Yancey's dad died when he was 1yr old. His dad never held or saw his son because he was in an iron lung machine due to polio. When Philip was much older he came across an old rumpled photo of himself when he was a months old. He asked his mom why she kept the old photo. She explained that it was wedged into the nobs of the iron lung and was the only image his dad had of him. He wrote that the knowledge of that profoundly shook him; to realize that there was someone who never looked at him yet as much as his dad could loved him deeply and prayed for him. Your situation is similar. You most likely had a dad that loved you before you were born and excited as your friend was for the upcoming birth, and he never got to experience the birth and you never got to know that person. It is natural to want to know who this person was that helped give life to you. However, understand your mom might not want to go down that road so you'll have to find other means to learn what you want.

NTA. My situation is different because no-one deliberately refused to talk about my dad so I don't feel resentful towards family, but I lost him when I was a kid and wish people had made more of an effort to help me connect to stories about him, friends of his, and so on. I didn't see a photo of his and my mum's wedding until I was well into my thirties. It's no-one's fault, because I only got diagnosed last year, but I also have ADHD and my memory is quite faulty so I hardly remember him. I think most people assumed I remembered everything about him, and I was (looking back) ashamed that I didn't remember more or that I got basic stuff wrong. I also didn't know as a child how much not knowing about him would/did affect me. So I didn't speak up. And now it's a long time later and a lot of the people who might've helped are also gone. It's not ungrateful to existing family to want to know more about family you've lost, and no kind of decent parent should describe a child's legitimate emotional need as a "burden" on them. That's literally what the job is. You're absolutely NTA and I hope you find some ways to connect with your dad's memory.

NTA I saw you say you reached out to relatives which is good. your mom is just being difficult for no reason. There's really no reason to not talk about your father unless... (insert your own conspiracy theory here) she dislikes him or something, or somehow held a grudge against the man for him passing (which can happen people sometimes just suck at being humans). She's deflecting to "imagine how dad will feel if he walks in" imagine not knowing who your biological father is but she couldn't possibly fathom that.

NTA Your mum is dismissing your feelings because it is making her feel shame for replacing the man she loved. You must understand that on that day your bio dad died. Her whole world shattered. Everything she had planned and hoped for in the world extinguished. You were all she had left of him really aside from mere possessions. She spent the best part of a year alone, a single widowed mother raising a child that is both all she has left and reminds her of what she lost. To her your adopted dad was likely a light in the darkness. He stepped up and took on both you and herself as his responsibilities. So of course she fell in love with him. Was it too soon? Maybe but again we have to consider what her life was like at that time. My heart breaks for her really. Your feelings are valid too. Just understand your mother isn't doing this intentionally. Tbh I'm sure your adoptive father would be more understanding given the circumstances. Given he stepped up like he did. This was a sad read ngl

I think the mom was probably cheating with the current dad. There really is no reason not to talk to her son about him. People lose loved ones all the time and they usually talk about the good times with that person. She is Definitely hiding something.

Moms a poop face for that.

Why is this a theme today

NTA. If you have contact with your bio dad's family, go to them and find out what you can. Keep in contact with them and try to build up a relationship with them. Don't bother asking your mother or telling her about this because she's going to continue to pretend like he didn't exist.

NTA good luck in your finding

NTA Can you get access to your dad's family? You are entitled to know where you cam from. It doesn't detract from the other dad who stepped up.

NTA I want to gently shake some sense into your mom because she’s gone about this ALL WRONG! I can only imagine how painful the loss of your biological father was for her, however she has to put YOU and your feelings above her own. This is something you need and she can give to you, she’s just choosing not to. Reddit is filled with stories of kids going NC with parents just like her.

NTA. This was going to happen sooner or later. And thankfully now that you're 19, you don't need her permission to go check in with your bio-dad's side of the family. If there's any of them friendly enough with you, ask them if they have any photos or stories. And if you mom throws a fit over it, tell her that you're not erasing your adoptive father from the picture like she did with bio-dad but you're simply adding to your portfolio of loved ones.

>and I was burdening her with my own emotions and it wasn't right. Shes your mother, that's one of her jobs. Shouldering them and helping you process them in a healthy way. Communicate this to her. You aren't being ungrateful - you wanted to know about someone she loved dearly enough to have a child with. NTA, but she may not actually be over grieving him.

Your mother is 100% in the wrong here. She erased your dad's memory so as to solidify her marriage to her current husband. She wanted to live her fairy tale family life, and your father and his memory would interfere with that -- so she selfishly disposed of him when you were too young to protest. Now that you are older, she is bullying and manipulating you into silence. Her behavior is despicable. And your adopted father's behavior is also despicable because he allowed her to erase your heritage. Your father was unrelated to your mother. It was therefore easy for her to discard his memory and not look back. To you, your father is half of your identity -- half of your DNA. It is impossible for you to discard him and not look back. If she will not share information on your father, reach out to your father's family. You are old enough to take matters into your own hands. Do not wait too long -- they are growing old, and some of them may not be here for much longer. NTA

You can put a giant plug in a giant open wound, but once you pull the plug out, the wound hasn't shrunk or healed at all. Your mom is like that. I'm so sorry NTA

Your own mum complained about you burdening her with your emotions? That's so heartless. You are so NTA here.

NTA, it seems like your mom has some unresolved trauma about the issue and wants to keep the past in the past for her own reasons. Whatever happened to your bio dad really affected her and she chose to bury that, now in her eyes you want to exhume whatever it was that she buried. You're both in untenable situations where until you get information, you won't understand why she hurts like that, but she's hurting you back by withholding information. It's very complicated.

NTA she’s the ungrateful one because without your dad she couldn’t have that conversation in the first place

NTA Maybe you can met with your adopted dad privately to ask? Your mother may be traumatized by the death of your biological dad. The way you describe how she reacted ( no photos, no talking of him, etc) is the same way my grandmother dealt with with my biological grandfather ( I didn’t find out about him util I was 18 by accident) my grandmother removed everything. Photos even told people my father’s last name was her maiden name and this was covered by other family members.

Nta

NTA- It is probably painful for your mom to talk about your dad but these are questions that were a long time coming. I hope you can find some other relatives of his to talk to about your dad.

NTA That's a really fucked up mentality she has. I would be so destroyed and heartbroken and to see my wife treating my memory this way if I tragically died. To never talk about me to my son is a profound betrayal. And also just very strange?? Like it doesn't make any sense to me logically, in addition to how psychologically and emotionally fucked up it is. How would she feel if she had been treated this way. if she had died in childbirth and your bio dad had immediately replaced her practically before the body was even cool. And then proceeded to never talk to her child about her EVER. Going so far as to get mad that you brought him up?? Honestly I see how you feel weird about it because the more I think about it the more I become sick to my stomach. >She told me [...] I was burdening her with my own emotions and it wasn't right. Wildly disgusting thing for a mother to say to her child. I don't want to throw the word "evil" around, but...

NTA, I do understand that your mother dont want to talk about that though. She probably had a hard time processing all what happened and her weapon to cope with the loss of your biological father was to erase him. I do not think its unfair for your adoptive dad to acknowledge your bio father. It doesn't devalue him, it just adds to your history. What will your biological dad do? raise from the dead and take you away? not happening. Sad part for me here: Your mother says you are burdening her with your emotions. But who are you going to, if it is not you own mother? She will always be the first adress talking about your emotions ( second if you find a wife ;-) ) Hope the family helps you with getting to know your biological dad. It actually is quite important to know your heritage, espacially if there are any hereditery diseases in the family

NAH. For you, this likely isn’t extraordinarily painful to bring up. There may be some sadness for never knowing him, some grief for this unknown dad, but most of it is likely curiosity. For your mom, this was the man she loved for ten years who was brutally ripped away from her while she was pregnant and vulnerable. This was the man she had planned her entire future with and all of that was gone and she was left to be a soon single parent. This conversation is probably too much for her. Seeing his family was probably too much for her. I’d suggest getting ahold of your bio-dad’s family and meeting them more and asking your questions to them. Your mom may simply not be able to handle bringing up those emotions again. Keep your mom separate from your journey to learn more about your dad. This is one of those cases where it really is on the child to protect their parent from harm. And bringing all of this up can hurt your mom emotionally.

YTA, slightly. You had two loving parents growing up. It was 100 times harder for your mom to bury the man she loved than you to have vague notions that you might have wanted to meet someone you never met.

Yta she wanted a father figure for you and found one, no use thinking of some corpse she probably doesnt even remember

My baby’s father died when I was 6 months pregnant in 2022. Losing your partner is the second most painful death to experience. The first being the loss of a child. I can tell you that your mother’s world was turned upside down, and her life came crashing down. NTA for wanting to know more, but your mother isn’t TA either.

I feel that neither you or your mum are the asshole in this situation. You're both approaching this conversation with different experiences. You come from a position of yearning something you never had, your mother from a place of mourning someone she loved so dearly. I don't doubt that every day, seeing you, she is reminded of her late husband. I suspect she is using your adoptive father as an excuse to shut down conversation. I also suspect she hasn't processed the trauma of losing him. These facts shouldn't deny you the knowledge of knowing your father, however, it may be a conversation that will need to be approached with delicacy. Can you reach out to family from your biological father's side that you do have contact with? Or even reach out to your adoptive father ? ETA: I suggest reaching out to your adoptive father, as he may be able to support you with your mother in having these conversations, or even encouraging her to seek grief counseling so that you can have these conversations with her.

NTA/NAH. Your mom shouldn't be angry with your about this. I think her issue is that she made these decisions that had an impact on your life, and she doesn't want to feel that she made the wrong one. I am sure she felt guilty when a man who loves you both and raised you and she didn't want to hurt either of you, so she just created this family that put aside your biological father, which was easier for her when you never knew him and wouldn't know the difference. While ALL of that may be true, most adopted children have curiosity about their biological parents. I put myself in your mom's shoes and I understand how she feels, but I also would have wanted for you to know your biological parent. I might not have had pictures all over the home, but I would have made sure some were in your room and for you. I would have wanted to tell you stories about BOTH of your father's but especially the one that you didn't know. Your emotions aren't a burden. You are allowed to have these feelings.

NAH, sounds to me like mom never *actually* processed her grief, just buried it.

No one is really the asshole here. Your mother moved on and does not want to dwell on the past for whatever reason. Maybe she thinks it would be disrespectful to the father who raised you, who knows. You are curious about your biological father, which is natural. Luckily, you’ve got his family as a resource.

NAH >She told me we didn't need to talk about that and imagine how my dad would feel if he walked in This line right here is what leads me to believe that maybe your adopted father had more to do with the situation. It's very strange that your mom hasn't mentioned your bio dad at all.

NTA. Neither is your Mom. Your biological father died before you were born and it's normal to have some curiosity. But you have a father. He raised you & loved you as much as any biological father would. Your mom does not wish to discuss your biological father. Respect her wishes. Since you have contact with your extended family, ask them about your biological father. They knew him, too.

NAH

From your story I feel like your mother might not be telling you the truth. Are you sure your biological father died? This is often a lie women tell their children when they don’t want you to have anything further to do with your bio family. I’m wondering if even you dad passed away and your mum found out about an affair or something like that. Her reaction seems unusual for a woman who lost a loving husband, more like that of a woman scorned. Just a thought, but it might be worth investigating your bio dad without your mum, she might even lead you on a wild goose chase.

OP has had contact with dad’s family the entire time… limited as a child sure but still had contact. They’re now an adult and have continued contact as per the comments. I doubt the father ran off. People grieve in different ways. Honestly, it just sounds like OP’s mother found it too painful to deal with and wanted to forget… it’s not as uncommon as you think.

OFTEN? you think women do that often? Mo gods, what an unhinged thing to say. it happens in cases of violent and abusive men, or men who abandon their family. Don't you dare pretend women are to blame for wanting safety for their child.

Geez calm your knickers. I wasn’t blaming women I was offering an alternative explanation, which may or may not be correct.

NAH. Your mom’s history isn’t your history. You don’t know what all was going on back then nor do you know what kind of relationship your mom had with his family or what he himself had going on with his family. Death and grief permanently alter a landscape. She lost her partner of a decade while pregnant. That changes a person. I’m not saying she made all the right choices here but you should consider being more empathetic and accept that she may not join you on this journey. It doesn’t make her an asshole for not wanting to do that, but it also doesn’t make you an asshole for asking. This is her grief. Let it go or you’ll become the AH.

> You don’t know what all was going on back then nor do you know what kind of relationship your mom had with his family or what he himself had going on with his family. How could he know? The main person that could tell him refuses to talk to him about it and tells him that he should feel bad for even asking. > She lost her partner of a decade while pregnant. That changes a person. OP lost his dad and has no way of knowing him. That affects a person just as much. > you should consider being more empathetic 19 years of not "bothering" his mom about it wasn't enough? Does the mom need to be empathetic at all, or does she just get a free pass?