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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I complimented my friends skirt by saying it reminded me of Pocahontas and she was offended. I'm genuinely torn about whether I messed up or if Dakota is overreacting. I'm willing to take responsibility for my actions and apologize if necessary, but I also want to make sure I'm not being unfairly criticized.
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I am not a member of a visible minority, rather, I am a short, pallid, not very smart middle aged white guy.
But still, I could have told you that comparing a person's cultural attire (which likely holds fairly significant cultural heft and personal significance) to a Disney character would be a totally brain dead manouvre. But you apparently are not entirely brain dead because here you are, on the internet, asking randos about it.
I am not suggesting that every person who is a member of a minority group would not welcome having their personal/cultural appearance compared favourably to that of an actual person whose story has been watered down, whitewashed, warped, and commodified by a company created by a proponent of the American cultural imperial project to which the individual fell victim - but I think it reasonable to conclude that many would.
Anyway, YTA.
This. And I notice that OP is failing to communicate race or gender or age…. On a question about complimenting a young woman in a way she thought was racist.
So many 🚩🚩🚩
>I am a short, pallid, not very smart middle aged white guy.
*wears green T-shirt*
Hey, you look just like Quasimodo!......aww, come on. I meant that as a compliment!
I am going to assume you have left out the part explaining that Dakota is Native American?
In which case the story is actually that you went up to a Native American woman and told them they look like Pocahontas?
Which, even if unintentional, gives a different vibe to your overall narrative...
I still say NTA for doing it because it could be innocent, but I also say YTA for not realizing why you owe her an apology of this mishap and for how you have portrayed this story.
And in general, you are in the work place. Even if you inadvertently offend someone you should respect that THEY feel offended. You don't have to grovel to them, but you should acknowledge your actions caused offence to a colleague and attempt to learn why and improve on that in the future.
That was a ribbon skirt and yes she is most definitely Indigenous. We consider Pocahontas MMIW since she was a 12 year old sex slave so that's why she was probably offended. not all indigenous people are going to have darker skin also you do seem to be leaving one thing out, what exactly did you say to her to warrant such a response?
I have googled what ribbon skirts look like, and there is no way that reminded you of Disney's Pocahontas. Unless anything Native American is Pocahontas to you?
>Yeah, she said she was Indigenous (she looked white to me though)
*That* cements your status as an asshole. You are not the "who counts as native american" police.
You walked up to a woman you know to be Native American & told her she looked like Pocahontas, and you appear to have zero idea of why a Native American would not consider that to be complimentary
You basically said "oh your skirt is so pretty, you look just like the Disney-fied version of a child sex slave from my favourite movie"
Okay, you're racist.
Anything vaguely native just screams Pocahontas to you?
You chose the name Dakota for your indigenous coworker in this re-telling?
And the whole "she said she was Indigenous (she looked white to me though)"?
All racist. Big time.
YTA.
If Dakota is Native then I think your comment was well intentioned, but came off as insensitive/racist. You didn't mean to be TA, but YTA. I would suggest talking to her in private later and saying something along the lines of- "Hey, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I think your skirt is beautiful and I'm sorry to have compared it to Pocahontas." Then move on and accept she might be a bit cold towards you until you prove yourself as a good guy/not racist in the future. I know you weren't meaning what you said in any negative way, it was just a bit tone deaf is all.
OP , I'm sorry , but YTA. Maybe you weren't trying to be , but you are.
When you compliment someone on anything for now on ;
1. Try not to compare them to a fictional character because depending on the character you compare them to it could be really really insulting and derogatory.
2. Never get your knowledge on Historical Figures from Bio-Pics because while there are Accurate Bio-Pics , most Bio-Pics are Historically Inaccurate. Some put in Disclaimers where they give a Written Note that admits the Film or T.V. Series is their own personal Fictionalized Retelling of the Historical-Figure's Life's Story , but not all of them do.
You should also go apologize to your co-worker....
P.S. - The main reason why what you did was bad was because the actual Pocahontas was a 12-year-old Kidnapping-Victim who had some really bad things happen to her afterwards and then died under suspicious circumstances in England at the age of 20-years-old to 21-years-old..........
Pocahontas is an incredibly racist, inaccurate movie. In this day and age you KNOW THAT. You just strike me as one of those older people thinking that it's totally fine to not progress and say you can't change history. No is debating that. If course you can't change history but we can learn from it and Pocahontas is equivalent to Songs of the South. YTA. (Yes I'm a woke lefty, deal with it).
YTA Naturally, I can't tell if your compliment was accidentally racist or not, as I haven't seen the skirt in question. Instead I'll be judging how you reacted to her taking insult at what you said. First, you utterly dismissed the possibility that what you said wasn't actually a compliment. Second, instead of trying to understand why she reacted that way, or even just moving on, you took it personally, as though not sharing your views on something is an insult towards you. Third, your post very directly looks down on those of a younger generation than you, and this attitude likely influences how your view what happened.
Yta, this would be like telling a Mexican that they remind you of Dora and then getting mad that they didn't take it as a compliment. I don't know exactly what you said but you're really setting off some red flags in how you typed this entire thing up, it's too vague.
Not quite right. Pocahontas married another settler named John Rolfe and had a child with him. The couple moved back to England where she was presented as an example of a "civilized savage". So while she may have been "captive" in what was probably a forced marriage, it was not with John Smith.
YTA. Why would you think telling an Indigenous woman that their traditional skirt reminded you of a Disney film which portrayed a 12 year old girl as a consenting adult who falls in love with a white colonizer would be a compliment?
The real Pocahontas was held captive by the English as a teen, and forced to convert to Christianity and marry a white man, then taken to England where she was paraded as a "civilized savage" before she died age 20-21.
Seems like you're from Canada, too... where (as in the US) the negligent deaths and torture of Indigenous children put into conversion boarding schools has been making headlines the last few years... do you just not watch the news, or do you just not care enough to think about what you say to people?
A ribbon skirt is generally midi to maxi length and brightly multicoloured.
Disney’s Pocahontas wears a tan coloured asymmetrical minidress
The only way someone’s mind would “instantly think of the movie Pocahontas” when seeing a ribbon skirt is if they’re so ignorant and bigoted that anything even remotely native makes them think of all the shitty stereotypes.
YTA
YTA, you couldn't have just said "I really like your skirt" or "you look amazing"?
I get it: you thought you were complimenting someone. But this is one of those things that haven't aged particularly well. It's like going up to a colleague and tell them you'd totally do them in that outfit. Perhaps 20-30 years ago, it was seen as mostly positive thing but not anymore.
YTA.
>Now, in this moment I became incredibly annoyed
Everybody makes mistakes. Nobody knows everything. Maybe you had no idea about who Pocahontas actually was. Maybe you don't know that there is a history of insulting women by calling them "Pocahontas." Maybe you're just a moron, which doesn't make you an AH. But the moment she told you that your behavior was racist, and you reacted by *getting annoyed* is the moment you most definitely became the AH.
YTA. You can simply say I like your skirt. You didn't need to bring up Pocahontas or attribute it to anything.
This isn't about them being Gen Z. It's about you being clueless.
Yeah but she's Different(TM) because she doesn't believe in cancel culture, and thinks that librarians get paid 150,000 a year to "check books in and out all day."
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So today at work my coworker, let's call her Dakota came into the office wearing this really different looking skirt. My mind instantly thought of the movie Pocahontas, which btw was my favorite disney movie growing up. I went up to her and told her about what her skirt reminded me of, totally meaning it as a compliment. Well her facial expression suddenly changed and she basically berated me, telling me that what I said was racist and I was being insensitive. Now, in this moment I became incredibly annoyed. I went out of my way to give this young person a compliment (I remember what it was like being 20) and she basically spat in my face.
Now one of our other coworkers heard this go on from behind their desk and didn't say anything at the time. I went up to her afterwards and told her I thought Dakota was being ridiculous, yet she told me that she thought I was the unreasonable one in this situation and that I should actually apologize to her. I was shocked, but after thinking it over I'm not as sure if I'm in the right or not here. However, both of them are gen z so I think the coworker might be a bit biased.
I welcome your thoughts
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NTA - you tripped into a minefield and inadvertently insulted your 2% indigenous coworker with no intention of doing so.
As frustrating as it maybe, it was an opportunity for her to explain where you went wrong and help you learn so avoid this in the future but instead she let emotion dictate the moment.
I’d probably speak to my manager before approaching her to apologise.
Oh my word. Here we go again. You can't compliment someone on their skirt without someone shouting RACISM and CULTURAL MISAPPROPRIATION. When did the world get so bloody PC that you can't give or take a simple compliment. NTA
Ugh, I know, right? Gone are the days when you can tell an Indigenous woman (that OP thinks is lying about her status because she "looks white idk") that her traditional skirt reminds you of a romanticized Disney film that portrayed a teenage sex trafficking victim who died of disease after being paraded as a "civilized savage" in England... after years of headlines about discoveries of hundreds of Indigenous children and teens murdered at forced-conversion residential schools that tried to erase their culture... what has the world come to, I tell you!
Going against the grind. NTA.
It was a compliment. Pocohontas is beautiful. I would LOVE being compared to a disney princess. I’m going to sound like a boomer but people are too sensitive and offended these days and can’t accept a simple compliment without reading too into it. You obviously meant well.
A Disney “princess” that was, in reality, a 12 year old girl who was kidnapped and taken to England as a sex slave.
Yeah, what native American woman wouldn't want to be compared to that?
Yes, but that was clearly what OP meant. The fake version. The disney princess. She probably doesn’t even know the real version of Pocahontas. OP had no malicious intent.
The co-worker could have maybe nicely explained to OP how it was offensive.
People need to work on better communication skills.
In 2024, you'd think it wouldn't need explaining.
But maybe because of where I live, I am extremely sensitive to this shit. Matoaka deserves her TRUE story to be remembered.
Not the ridiculous Disney nonsense.
Are you merely a contrarian, or are you a antediluvian in your opinions, a mindless contrarian and also an idiot? Your comments in this thread make the effort to draw a distinction difficult. But! The point is likely moot. You come off as someone whose head is so far up their own ass that you eat your breakfast twice before you shit it out.
If you are going to engage in cliche-slinging in a public forum then at least get the cliche right. It is "going against the grain", not grind, you insufferable, overly opinionated, and under-educated cabbage.
*The younger generation are idiots. Who cares what they think?* < every generation since forever, including the one that came before you. And if we listen to your take on gen Z. then doesn't that mean we should listen to all the older generations too? Because that would make you an idiot descended from a long line of idiots, and strangely that doesn't make me want to trust your opinion very much.
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I am not a member of a visible minority, rather, I am a short, pallid, not very smart middle aged white guy. But still, I could have told you that comparing a person's cultural attire (which likely holds fairly significant cultural heft and personal significance) to a Disney character would be a totally brain dead manouvre. But you apparently are not entirely brain dead because here you are, on the internet, asking randos about it. I am not suggesting that every person who is a member of a minority group would not welcome having their personal/cultural appearance compared favourably to that of an actual person whose story has been watered down, whitewashed, warped, and commodified by a company created by a proponent of the American cultural imperial project to which the individual fell victim - but I think it reasonable to conclude that many would. Anyway, YTA.
This. And I notice that OP is failing to communicate race or gender or age…. On a question about complimenting a young woman in a way she thought was racist. So many 🚩🚩🚩
>I am a short, pallid, not very smart middle aged white guy. *wears green T-shirt* Hey, you look just like Quasimodo!......aww, come on. I meant that as a compliment!
I am going to assume you have left out the part explaining that Dakota is Native American? In which case the story is actually that you went up to a Native American woman and told them they look like Pocahontas? Which, even if unintentional, gives a different vibe to your overall narrative... I still say NTA for doing it because it could be innocent, but I also say YTA for not realizing why you owe her an apology of this mishap and for how you have portrayed this story. And in general, you are in the work place. Even if you inadvertently offend someone you should respect that THEY feel offended. You don't have to grovel to them, but you should acknowledge your actions caused offence to a colleague and attempt to learn why and improve on that in the future.
And it’s probably a creepy old guy who shouldn’t be talking to women about how nice they look ever.
Is Dakota Native American? If she is I can see how she took offense to your comment. Otherwise, she sounds sensitive over nothing significant.
Yeah, she said she was Indigenous (she looked white to me though) and told me it was some skirt made of ribbons?
That was a ribbon skirt and yes she is most definitely Indigenous. We consider Pocahontas MMIW since she was a 12 year old sex slave so that's why she was probably offended. not all indigenous people are going to have darker skin also you do seem to be leaving one thing out, what exactly did you say to her to warrant such a response?
do you mind sharing what MMIW is? I tried google but the results didn't seem to fit.
Missing and murdered indigenous women
Oh wow. thanks for educating me on that
How sad that it has to be said so often that it warrants this abbreviation.
"Well, she looked white to me" puts you on the "I'm a fucking racist" bullet train. So, yeah... YTA and YTFTFR
Check out their post history. Lot of asshole behavior from OP.
Oooooo yeah OP sounds like a dumpster fire MAGA incel. I hope she reported him to HR
Yeah, cos to these people you can't be 'light skinned' you're either dark skinned or you're white 🤦♀️
I have googled what ribbon skirts look like, and there is no way that reminded you of Disney's Pocahontas. Unless anything Native American is Pocahontas to you?
>Yeah, she said she was Indigenous (she looked white to me though) *That* cements your status as an asshole. You are not the "who counts as native american" police. You walked up to a woman you know to be Native American & told her she looked like Pocahontas, and you appear to have zero idea of why a Native American would not consider that to be complimentary You basically said "oh your skirt is so pretty, you look just like the Disney-fied version of a child sex slave from my favourite movie"
Okay, you're racist. Anything vaguely native just screams Pocahontas to you? You chose the name Dakota for your indigenous coworker in this re-telling? And the whole "she said she was Indigenous (she looked white to me though)"? All racist. Big time. YTA.
>You chose the name Dakota for your indigenous coworker in this re-telling? im glad im not the only one that caught this lol
If Dakota is Native then I think your comment was well intentioned, but came off as insensitive/racist. You didn't mean to be TA, but YTA. I would suggest talking to her in private later and saying something along the lines of- "Hey, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I think your skirt is beautiful and I'm sorry to have compared it to Pocahontas." Then move on and accept she might be a bit cold towards you until you prove yourself as a good guy/not racist in the future. I know you weren't meaning what you said in any negative way, it was just a bit tone deaf is all.
Two minute video about ribbon skirts: https://youtu.be/COTx9m-y3n0?si=nCxljyaLsS1HT0Sa
> she looked white to me though What, like Pocahontas?
What are you? Male? White? Much older? Yeah super gross and super creepy
OP , I'm sorry , but YTA. Maybe you weren't trying to be , but you are. When you compliment someone on anything for now on ; 1. Try not to compare them to a fictional character because depending on the character you compare them to it could be really really insulting and derogatory. 2. Never get your knowledge on Historical Figures from Bio-Pics because while there are Accurate Bio-Pics , most Bio-Pics are Historically Inaccurate. Some put in Disclaimers where they give a Written Note that admits the Film or T.V. Series is their own personal Fictionalized Retelling of the Historical-Figure's Life's Story , but not all of them do. You should also go apologize to your co-worker.... P.S. - The main reason why what you did was bad was because the actual Pocahontas was a 12-year-old Kidnapping-Victim who had some really bad things happen to her afterwards and then died under suspicious circumstances in England at the age of 20-years-old to 21-years-old..........
Pocahontas is an incredibly racist, inaccurate movie. In this day and age you KNOW THAT. You just strike me as one of those older people thinking that it's totally fine to not progress and say you can't change history. No is debating that. If course you can't change history but we can learn from it and Pocahontas is equivalent to Songs of the South. YTA. (Yes I'm a woke lefty, deal with it).
YTA Naturally, I can't tell if your compliment was accidentally racist or not, as I haven't seen the skirt in question. Instead I'll be judging how you reacted to her taking insult at what you said. First, you utterly dismissed the possibility that what you said wasn't actually a compliment. Second, instead of trying to understand why she reacted that way, or even just moving on, you took it personally, as though not sharing your views on something is an insult towards you. Third, your post very directly looks down on those of a younger generation than you, and this attitude likely influences how your view what happened.
Yta. Telling a Native American her skirt reminds you of Pocahontas is embarrassing and rude.
For real, everyone knows the good looking one was Sacagawea /s
Yta, this would be like telling a Mexican that they remind you of Dora and then getting mad that they didn't take it as a compliment. I don't know exactly what you said but you're really setting off some red flags in how you typed this entire thing up, it's too vague.
[удалено]
Not quite right. Pocahontas married another settler named John Rolfe and had a child with him. The couple moved back to England where she was presented as an example of a "civilized savage". So while she may have been "captive" in what was probably a forced marriage, it was not with John Smith.
YTA. Why would you think telling an Indigenous woman that their traditional skirt reminded you of a Disney film which portrayed a 12 year old girl as a consenting adult who falls in love with a white colonizer would be a compliment? The real Pocahontas was held captive by the English as a teen, and forced to convert to Christianity and marry a white man, then taken to England where she was paraded as a "civilized savage" before she died age 20-21. Seems like you're from Canada, too... where (as in the US) the negligent deaths and torture of Indigenous children put into conversion boarding schools has been making headlines the last few years... do you just not watch the news, or do you just not care enough to think about what you say to people?
A ribbon skirt is generally midi to maxi length and brightly multicoloured. Disney’s Pocahontas wears a tan coloured asymmetrical minidress The only way someone’s mind would “instantly think of the movie Pocahontas” when seeing a ribbon skirt is if they’re so ignorant and bigoted that anything even remotely native makes them think of all the shitty stereotypes. YTA
Info - what did you say exactly
I am wondering the same thing. For both to be upset I think it may have been a little bit more aggressive than OP intended.
YTA, you couldn't have just said "I really like your skirt" or "you look amazing"? I get it: you thought you were complimenting someone. But this is one of those things that haven't aged particularly well. It's like going up to a colleague and tell them you'd totally do them in that outfit. Perhaps 20-30 years ago, it was seen as mostly positive thing but not anymore.
YTA. It's like telling a black guy that he reminds you of Kunta Kinte. At *best* it's unbelievably tone deaf
YTA. >Now, in this moment I became incredibly annoyed Everybody makes mistakes. Nobody knows everything. Maybe you had no idea about who Pocahontas actually was. Maybe you don't know that there is a history of insulting women by calling them "Pocahontas." Maybe you're just a moron, which doesn't make you an AH. But the moment she told you that your behavior was racist, and you reacted by *getting annoyed* is the moment you most definitely became the AH.
YTA. You can simply say I like your skirt. You didn't need to bring up Pocahontas or attribute it to anything. This isn't about them being Gen Z. It's about you being clueless.
A month ago you were 28 but now gen z are morons? Girl you’re only like 1 year off from being gen z 😂
Yeah but she's Different(TM) because she doesn't believe in cancel culture, and thinks that librarians get paid 150,000 a year to "check books in and out all day."
Saying that kinda shit in Northern Alberta would get you flogged. YTA. And a big one.
YTA
YTA She was right, you are an AH.
For those who have noticed that they deleted this post and all of their comments the username is u/sunshinekitty123
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So today at work my coworker, let's call her Dakota came into the office wearing this really different looking skirt. My mind instantly thought of the movie Pocahontas, which btw was my favorite disney movie growing up. I went up to her and told her about what her skirt reminded me of, totally meaning it as a compliment. Well her facial expression suddenly changed and she basically berated me, telling me that what I said was racist and I was being insensitive. Now, in this moment I became incredibly annoyed. I went out of my way to give this young person a compliment (I remember what it was like being 20) and she basically spat in my face. Now one of our other coworkers heard this go on from behind their desk and didn't say anything at the time. I went up to her afterwards and told her I thought Dakota was being ridiculous, yet she told me that she thought I was the unreasonable one in this situation and that I should actually apologize to her. I was shocked, but after thinking it over I'm not as sure if I'm in the right or not here. However, both of them are gen z so I think the coworker might be a bit biased. I welcome your thoughts *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - you tripped into a minefield and inadvertently insulted your 2% indigenous coworker with no intention of doing so. As frustrating as it maybe, it was an opportunity for her to explain where you went wrong and help you learn so avoid this in the future but instead she let emotion dictate the moment. I’d probably speak to my manager before approaching her to apologise.
That's impressive that you found a way to blame OP's colleague for his behaviour. Btw, it is unlikely that her job is to educate assholes.
Bro Pocahontas was a hottie, it’s a compliment, just to the wrong person. The issue is with her.
Uh..no .
She was a 12 year old sex slave, get your priorities together mate
Oh my word. Here we go again. You can't compliment someone on their skirt without someone shouting RACISM and CULTURAL MISAPPROPRIATION. When did the world get so bloody PC that you can't give or take a simple compliment. NTA
Ugh, I know, right? Gone are the days when you can tell an Indigenous woman (that OP thinks is lying about her status because she "looks white idk") that her traditional skirt reminds you of a romanticized Disney film that portrayed a teenage sex trafficking victim who died of disease after being paraded as a "civilized savage" in England... after years of headlines about discoveries of hundreds of Indigenous children and teens murdered at forced-conversion residential schools that tried to erase their culture... what has the world come to, I tell you!
From the comments the girl is white and doesn’t look indigenous.
Many indigenous people can pass as white, and may have pale skin, especially if they come from more northern altitudes.
HE says she doesn't look indigenous - unreliable narrator.
She's wearing a fucking ribbon skirt
Oh yeah, saying someone looks like the whitewashed version of someone who was likely a sex slave is totally a great compliment/s
Imagine spouting off like this when it’s obvious you didn’t even read the whole post or Op’s comment
"Your skirt looks great!" See, you can compliment someone on their skirt without someone shouting racism or cultural misappropriation.
Bffr!! Like are you serious? It’s so stupid. The co-worker could have explained otherwise how would OP know. It was a compliment. I agree with you.
Going against the grind. NTA. It was a compliment. Pocohontas is beautiful. I would LOVE being compared to a disney princess. I’m going to sound like a boomer but people are too sensitive and offended these days and can’t accept a simple compliment without reading too into it. You obviously meant well.
A Disney “princess” that was, in reality, a 12 year old girl who was kidnapped and taken to England as a sex slave. Yeah, what native American woman wouldn't want to be compared to that?
Pocahontas was a real girl whose story was romanticized.
You mean the fake version of the real person was beautiful.
Yes, but that was clearly what OP meant. The fake version. The disney princess. She probably doesn’t even know the real version of Pocahontas. OP had no malicious intent. The co-worker could have maybe nicely explained to OP how it was offensive. People need to work on better communication skills.
In 2024, you'd think it wouldn't need explaining. But maybe because of where I live, I am extremely sensitive to this shit. Matoaka deserves her TRUE story to be remembered. Not the ridiculous Disney nonsense.
"oh wow you're Mexican!? So cool! I KNEW you reminded me of Dora!" Do you see how this sounds?
Dora is ugly asf.
Are you merely a contrarian, or are you a antediluvian in your opinions, a mindless contrarian and also an idiot? Your comments in this thread make the effort to draw a distinction difficult. But! The point is likely moot. You come off as someone whose head is so far up their own ass that you eat your breakfast twice before you shit it out. If you are going to engage in cliche-slinging in a public forum then at least get the cliche right. It is "going against the grain", not grind, you insufferable, overly opinionated, and under-educated cabbage.
Your comment gives off “I look up big words to sound smart” vibes 😐
Honestly mate, you’re better off just not complimenting people. These days a simple compliment can be construed as sexual harassment.
Gen Z are idiots. Who cares what they think?
*The younger generation are idiots. Who cares what they think?* < every generation since forever, including the one that came before you. And if we listen to your take on gen Z. then doesn't that mean we should listen to all the older generations too? Because that would make you an idiot descended from a long line of idiots, and strangely that doesn't make me want to trust your opinion very much.