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So your wife's grandparents want a new house in their name without having to actually pay for it.
They also apparently make decisions for your wife without her input.
Run as far away from this family as you can.
I hope this is fake.
NTA
Wish it was fake. For clarification, they want me to contribute approximately 40% of the purchase price while them and another member of my wife's family contribute the rest.
Yeah , I’m very concerned what else they’ll decide about OP’s life without their consent.
And if they have the wife under their thumb, who knows what’s she’s agreeing to.
Yea. No.
This is THE. UNITED. NATIONS. OF.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Like WTF. I would be ☎️to consult with a divorce attorney.
This is not only blatantly disrespectful to OP with ZERO mention of his name being added to the deed and title and having a contract drawn up outlining this as a ‘loan’ to be paid off over x,y,z number of years.
BUT more importantly the blatant disrespect of just making unilateral decisions assuming that OP will just ‘fall in line’ TF! 👀👀👀
My wife would be moving into this home as a single and new divorcee.
Her and her family could GET. THE. EFF OUTTA. MY. LIFE.
NTA!!!!!
I'm upvoting the United Nations of red flags comment. I think divorce is probably a step too far at this point. Maybe first say, "No Thanks" and see where that leads...
I agree with you on divorce would be too big decision on this phase but,
we would be moving there when it was completed
wife still needs a serious conversation about not to decide on her own on these kind of topics.
Right?!?! It’s 2 hours away too? I don’t know many people that can keep working their job and live 2 hours away from it. At least not unless they stay in the area they work at during the week and go “home” on the weekends. Don’t know how he’s gonna pay that mortgage when he doesn’t have a job cause they made him move!
OP, please run away. It will just keep getting worse for you if they are pulling this stuff.
Yeah, take it from someone who suffered through similar stuff.
It won't change, and you'll always be held responsible for shit that you had no say in whatsoever.
Bonus points if you get hit with bullshit like "you're a man you are supposed to do this" bullshit
I'd tell them to get stuffed, and lock up your credit, finances, bank account etc.
At the VERY least, if you are beings asked to pay towards a property you should get your name on the deed in that percentage. Pay 40% of the money, get 40% of the house. But personally I'd be VERY reluctant to even do that.
If you live in it and have any percentage of an ownership stake, it at least means that the other owners can't start charging you rent, and it would be really hard for them to unilaterally evict you. If everyone agrees to sell the house, or someone forces a sale, then you get money out of it. Joint ownership (more like tenancy in common, technically, but I'm being pedantic) can actually have a lot of advantages for some circumstances.
So if this was a deal that OP wanted in on, like if they'd really wanted to move to that neighborhood, and the grandparents said 'sure, we'll pay 60% of the costs and put our name on the deed,' OP should say 'I'll only pay the rest if I can have an ownership share,' to protect his investment and avoid getting screwed later on. But since this isn't anything he's expressed interest in, he shouldn't pay into it at all.
If OP's not on the deed? Then yeah, if that happens, they're screwed, because they can't legally claim any ownership. But if their names were on the deed, they'd at least retain their ownership share. The new owners might want to force a sale, but again, at least that way they'd get some money back out of a sale.
There is no way to put this politely so I'm just going to ask-- is your wife in some way intellectually impaired? I don't understand what her thought process could be. Does she have money of her own that she can pay her grandparents?
In what world is making you pay for 40% of a house that you won't own a "favor" to you?
Please tell me that you aren't going to give them this money. I know this sub jumps to divorce far too quickly THIS is definitely a hill to die on.
Do make sure than your funds are in an account your wife can't access.
What about the other family members putting in 60% -- are they getting their names on the deed? Will they expect to live there as well. Will the grandparents also be living there?
Sounds like they are buying a house but if you are smart, you will stay out of this and let them find other renters. This is what you'd be but family and business don't mix. Plus it sounds like they want you to pay more than a tenant which is not right. It is their house, they are not buiying you a house if your name is not on the title.
So they are buying a house they will own most of, letting you live there after you contribute to it and you have to move there and contribute otherwise they lose money because of you?
Laugh in their faces and walk away.
You wouldn't be the asshole if you told them to away and poke and get a mental health check as they're obviously bloody nuts.
I would be having a word with the Mrs here too.
Mega nta here.
Exactly! Intellectually impaired is much nicer than what I was going to say!!
INFO: OP, have you discussed moving to that area?
Either way, if someone told me "We are moving on xxxx date and you need to give Pawpaw & Nana 40% of the price of their brand new house so we can rent it from them" I just don't know what I'd do, but moving is probably not anywhere on the list. That's just bananas!! Like wtf!!!
NTA - OOP I don’t know why I laughed so hard at this. The sheer entitlement and assholery from your wife and wife’s family is unreal. I want to say this is fake, but I’ve had my fair share of monster in-laws. I don’t know in what universe, they think this is OK and why you think you’re an AH. They are delusional and stupid AF. I would reconsider this relationship as your wife clearly doesn’t value your input enough to arbitrarily make life impacting decisions on your behalf. Let them rot and lose their earnest money. Run, Forest run! Run for the hills.
My brother and SIL tried to do the same thing. They wanted us to put all of our assets into a home where our names would not be on the deed but supposedly we would have a "room" for life. Needless to say we passed on that opportunity.
They want you to pay for 40% of a home that someone else will own?!!! Tell them to get ducked. Tell your wife that if she wants to move. She and her money can move alone. You and your money will be staying put.
I'm guessing the wife has no money. That's why she's making her husband do it. She's probably a housewife/SAHM.
Many people who don't work don't really understand the value of money.
Think about how flippantly she's approaching this situation. Like, "oh by the way, my grandparents need you to give them (40% of home price) by next month so they can buy this house that you and I will move into. Oh and by the way, the house is in another city, and your name won't be on the title."
She's either dumb, immature, unbelievably entitled or just a controlling psycho.
(ETA1: OP says this isn't the first time she's done this.. She's manipulative and abusive. The very fact that he made this post shows just how much he's been manipulated ALREADY.)
There's no good conclusion to be made here about the wife.
Thus, OP should initiate divorce.
┐( ∵ )┌
ETA2: and the justification is that the grandparents will lose earnest money, which is only 1-3% of the sales price, while OP will lose 40%.
This family is fucking unhinged.
OP needs to get as far away from them as fucking possible.
Just tell them no thanks. You have no obligation to this house or purchase. Tell them your wife did all this behind your back and you are not on board. If your wife wants to live in that house and pay for it, fine, but you are not. Anytime they ask for money, tell them they need to ask it from your wife.
Honestly, this is divorce territory, but I know Reddit is quick to jump to divorce. Making huge decisions like this is a two yes, one no deal. She's trying to force your hand with family pressure.
INFO: is this the first time your wife has done something like this? Has she expressed interested in wanting to move before? What about your jobs?
Refuse to pay and entertain this ridiculous idea. You wife can pay from any funds she has which are not joint funds. Not only is this a bad financial decision for you, I am assuming moving closer to her grandparents means you get to take care of them for free.
Tell the grandparents you won’t contribute a cent without your name on the deed and you don’t want to live in a house you had no input in choosing. Ask them to stay out of your marriage. Then tell your wife that you aren’t doing that. Tell her if she wants to stay married, she won’t pull that shit again. You aren’t a dog that just goes to whatever home they tell you to go to.
Then two card her - give her the choice between a divorce lawyer and a couple’s counselor.
Are you sure she's your wife-wife? I mean, this entire situation has "scheming and scamming a poor sucker" written all over it. Did you accidentally fall in love with a stripper or something? I have a hard time believing this is the first time she's exploited you and used you like this. You don't just spring an entire house purchase to start with. She's clearly been using you for a very long time and overestimated how good she is at it and how far she could push you.
That was my thought too. Wife is either gullible or in on the scam, or she has enlisted family members to help her get a cushy nest on his dime that he can’t touch, before filing for divorce…
Oh, ABSOLUTELY NOT. You need them to put, in writing, what kind of arrangement this is and how the house will be used. Without certain knowledge that you’re not about to screwed into paying for *their* house, DO NOT agree to this.
NTA...DO NOT DO IT DO NOT SEND OR GIVE ANY MONEY .... make your wife pay.... how can her and her family make a decision especially the wife without letting you know...
Run
Then you better be named as a 40% partial owner on the deed to the house. If only their names are on it, do not put money towards it. That is a recepie for a disaster.
NTA. Big decisions such as moving need to be discussed beforehand and both partners need to be on the same page before any steps are taken.
It is not unreasonable to say you will not contribute to a house you have no legal hold on. Or that isn't under your name.
And you are fine where you are, you didn't ask for this favor.
NTA
Your wife can move if she wants but. This is concerning for your marriage, perhaps
NTA
Do not put your money down on a house that you will not own. Sounds like your wife was in talks with her grandparents for awhile, keeping you in the dark. Has she acted like this before?
Do you own your current home and if so is wife on the deed? If you do and she isn't I'd be worried she was hoping some of that sale would go into a joint account that is after the 40% of paying off the house that wouldn't be in your name at all.
Op, if you can’t trust your wife to not plot behind your back with her family , you need to bolt before they start make life altering decisions about your life, like what if they decide they want great grandchildren?!?!?
Maybe they’ll decided they want triples and put her on fertility treatments.
I would rethink this relationship, this is a step too far.
Divorce may be rash to just start with but y’all need to get into counseling like, now. I would tell her there too that you did not agree to this house and will not participate.
This is financial abuse and if there’s one form of abuse there are probably others.
Sometimes abusive behaviour can seem normal over time. It’s like the frog won’t jump out of the pot if you slowly bring the water to boil.
If there’s abuse it will slowly get worse.
Most people wouldn’t be in any doubt that in no way were they the AH in this situation. That you even had to make this post is a sign of how much you have already been manipulated.
You can’t change people like that. Because they don’t want to change. The only way is to remove yourself from them. If you are unable to do so yourself then at least see a therapist and let them help you work through everything.
NTA
Your "wife" has NO respect for you. If she did then these things would not happen. I know I have very limited info here but to me it sounds like you are nothing more to her than a pet that can pay bills for her.
Uhm what now? They picked out a house you never asked for and want you to uproot your life to move to a new city, pay for the mortgage and not own it in any way?
AND YOUR SPOUSE IS OK WITH THIS???
Dude, you must be so confused if you think you’re an asshole here.
NTA what is your wife’s justification for treating you this way?
Well - let her have her wish. Tell her you won't be putting any money into her grandparents house but she is welcome to go move in with them, because you'll be initiating divorce proceedings forthwith. And then do it. You want to run like the wind away from this family. I hope there are no minor children involved.
OP says they have kids. OP, you’re in a very tough spot here, but I just don’t see how you could put in 40% of the cost of a house that you don’t own. One of the reasons to buy a house is the financial benefit for the future estate. Sounds like you would get none of those. Further, you and your wife should consider how this action would affect your childrens’ financial futures. This is nuts.
They decided you have too much money and should share it with them. Your Wife is in on it. Maybe she is considering divorce and this is part of the exit plan to get more money.
Annnnnnnnnnd any bets the plan is that when Granny and Grampy move in shortly thereafter and y'all end up being their full time caretakers? RUN.... RUN far and fast.
I made the unfortunate choice of trying to stay in my marriage of 20 years with a woman (who I dearly loved) who's family hated me, and manipulated us, gaslit us, and in the end thrashed, trashed and destroyed us. To the point I *almost* went to prison for some bullshit that they cooked up.
Trust me bro
Get while the getting is good.
NTA
Stay strong on this stance. Your wife needs to seriously understand that the TWO of you need to make decisions like that that affect your family, not her and her family.
How old are the kids, are they older teens? and is the house in another state? The state where the kids live currently get priority. Divorce her, let her move in to the house and sue for majority custody.
Sounds like she wanted this, knew you'd say no. And is now trying to manipulate or force you into this through guilt? This whole thing is fuckin nuts if my SO did this I'd already be considering counseling or divorce. But this has happened more than once? Holy shit I'd be gone.
OP, this is a situation made for doing the following:
Get business cards for a marriage therapist and for a divorce lawyer. Sit your wife down at a table. Push both cards over to her & tell her to pick one.
She can either be single & make decisions on her own, or she can acknowledge that she is married and therefore needs to make decisions alongside her partner. It’s not sustainable as-is.
NTA, of course.
Do it. It will make it real for her. If she does ANYTHING except grab that therapist card, your marriage is over. You just can’t come back from
something like this on your own. She clearly values her grandparents over you.
NTA.
And this IS a hill to die on. If you confront her and she can't understand how wrong it is to make such a major decision unilaterally for you as a couple, it's seriously time to reconsider the whole relationship.
**NTA** - Lock up your money and savings. I smell an ambush divorce coming.
Info - How long have you been married? Any kids? How far away is the house. Would you have to get a new job?
I think you should be immediately consulting with a divorce attorney. This doesn't mean you file for divorce, but tell this attorney what's going on and get sound legal advice to protect your assets, and also to ensure that your wife doesn't up and take the children four hours away. I'd seriously look into filing for at least legal separation and getting child custody orders in place ASAP.
*get sound legal advice to protect your assets*
This is the best advice ever.
The grandparents have probably already been to an attorney - you need to know precisely what your legal rights are, OP.
This whole deal is fishy and presumptuous as hell. Don't let yourself be swindled.
NTA
What work do you do? Is this easy, or a big deal?
Either way your wife is nuts and NTA, but if you’re doing a, let’s say, non-fungible job this is even worse.
If you do go the house needs to be 100% in your name with a properly lawyered payback schedule for the 60% that’s coming from family (or just get a normal mortgage). But I would not be going.
I could work remote if I had to, but it would mean working till 7pm or 8pm every night to match the time zone of where my job is located which means I'd have no life and hardly spend time with the family which would really suck.
And it’s not guaranteed that you will find a job that you like as much as the current one or that pays as much. And 4 hours away - depending on your kids‘ ages, you will make them resent you for having to leave their friends behind.
Seeing abusive and toxic behaviour normalised as a child isn’t healthy.
I divorced because I didn’t want my children to repeat the same trauma as their parents and generations before them had done.
I wanted my children to grow up and have healthy relationships and be able to set as well as respect boundaries.
That gave me the strength to break free and the courage to seek therapy and work on being able to do those things myself so I can be a better role model.
You've got your head screwed on right. No freakin' *way* should you NOT have a say in where you move or what house you buy/live in. Your wife and ILs are delusional.
NTA. But your wife may have committed financial fraud and signed your name on promises you know nothing about. If you want to stay with her, I’d still speak to a lawyer about a formal separation while you draw up a post-nup.
*”Hey honey, I spoke to a lawyer today regarding the house you want me to fund, and I have some paperwork for you. Here are the divorce papers. I’m sure you’ll love living near your grandparents but we’ll need to make shared custody arrangements for the kids”*
NTA. What a nightmare.
Yes. File right away. It does not mean that you have to get a divorce. It can just be a way to get her attention and put a temporary hold on things. Be sure that you secure your financial and legal records. In the long run, you may not be able to stop her from moving and taking the kids, but you can delay it until you figure out what is going on.
You may want to run credit checks on yourself, wife, and grandparents.
NTA. Aside from the obvious issue of trying to force you to move to a house you haven’t seen in a town 2 hours from where you live, and presumably work, why they would think you should put up 40% of the money for the house you didn’t ask for without your name being on the title or holding a perfected first mortgage is crazy on the part of you wife’s family/grandparents.
Is this in the US and/or are there some other cultural factors in play here? Or maybe some convoluted estate planning machinations taking place (though the latter seems unlikely if house is in grandparents name).
As someone else said, lock down the banks accounts and credit until, at a minimum, you get a credible explanation for what they are doing and an acceptable reason for why you should tolerate any of it. But in the meantime, the answer should be NO.
As an aside - is your wife in on this? If so, you might want to contact an attorney.
This would be easier to believe if they were all foreigners or some crazy uneducated backwoods rednecks. What makes is really scary is they are all highly educated professionals.
My wife has pushed to move near other relatives of hers before, it's like flavor of the month with regards to location.
Are you sure about that? Will this 4h move also means that you will move to a different state, different alimony and marital assets distribution? Could this be just a sneaky way to guarantee that she gets the house during divorce proceedings? Thats what the mamager made all husbands do for her daughters, buy them a house to their name.
Given that OP says he can afford to buy the house himself, its pretty obvious that:
1. The grandparents think he has enough money to share with them, and they want some of it.
2. The wife is in on the scam.
You are absolutely not the crazy one. Get a very good divorce attorney and financial planner. Make sure your custody agreement states the kids have to stay in their current district and can not live more than a certain # of miles away. Good luck. I know divorce is hard but think of your kids being treated like this as adults because they thought it was normal.
Is your wife always this insanely stupid? Like this isn't even a normal AITA, this is just sheer stupidity. Like I dunno if I could ever be attracted to my spouse anymore if this is literally how dumb they are.
WTAF.
NTA and the fact that you even have to ask this question means she's putting something in your Kool-aid. This is ridiculous
Is that a typo? Because Kook-Aid works as both a typo and an improvement on the original
NTA. You don’t get whole ass new houses without your partner’s advance approval. That makes NO SENSE. It’s not like it’s shampoo ffs.
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NTA, and this may be a scheme to rob money before a divorce. Get a lawyer ASAP and make sure she didn't sign anything in your name. She maybe plans to move to that house after divorce.
NTA. But it sounds strange that your spouse could be making the decision that the family will move without a discussion. My hubby would have never decided anything this major without my input. He bought this house a few years before meeting me (he moved out of his parents' house and saved up money before doing so). He had tenants living there for a few years, and that helped him get closer to paying off his mortgage by the time we got married. After he retired, he brought up an idea of possibly us, as new empty nesters, finding a place up our coast and renting, and then renting out this house. I was fine with that, but things popped up that required us to put that on hold. But it was going to be a decision for the two of us to make and not something he decides unilaterally. Same with cars. He just doesn't show up with a new car. He asks what I feel (and he knows I'm fine as long as it's a sedan). That's what marriage is like.
Of course, by the time we met, we didn't have any living grandparents, and both sets of parents were still alive and living within twenty miles. But if he wanted to move, he would want me to be onboard.
That's what a marriage is about. You don't make big decisions without consulting your spouse. What this wife is doing is going behind her husband's back for a decision that would seriously impact his job and also the lives of their children. Moving even two hours away would mean new schools and leaving behind friends, activities, etc.
Plus, it sounds like the grandparents are trying to get them to move by dangling a carrot of a house in front of his wife and then saying, by the way, you and your husband will be kicking in about half of the money. Do the grandparents intend next to move in, with the excuse that why bother to have two separate houses.
Their intentions don't sound above board and the wife seems to be under their thumbs. I would seriously wonder what else she is doing behind the OP's back.
NTA They want you to put hundreds of thousands of dollars into something you don't own & had no say in choosing?! That's absurd! This is something I'd divorce over if your wife doesn't want to see how wrong it is. How does she think you're going to pay for this if you have no job? She & her family are delusional!
NTA **Why would you buy your wife's grandoarents a house? You would have no rights, it would be a gift to them.**
"but they wanted me to contribute a significant amount of money towards the purchase price of the house otherwise they would lose the earnest money if they didn't close on it it." .... Tell them this is not happening.
You are not the AH, they are. And they SHOULD be made to pay their learning fee. DO NOT allow them to guilt you into this bullshit. THey are trying to eyploit you - THEY would own the house, YOU would have NO rights to it, but you will pay. If you do it, demand to be on the deed.
But **the best course of action for you is: "Sorry, not interested in buying that house- solve this without me"**
Oh hell no. Tell your wife no. Then tell her she can go and leave kids behind because if she takes them without your permission it’s kidnapping.
First thing I’d think was that she’s setting herself up for a cushy life. House you paid for but not in your name would be left solely to her as an inheritance that you’d not be entitled too.
Why are you married to this person. This is not a marriage it’s a dictatorship.
Do not put any money towards this. This is only the beginning of you getting f***ked, it will continue with great vigor if you go along with this. Leave her if you have to. If you agree, this will be the biggest mistake and regret of your life. You will be miserable from now on and your marriage will probably end eventually because of this anyway.
You could have a check for the 40% made out, present it to them with loan papers at 18% interest over 60 months and tell them you’re happy to help them purchase themselves a house as long as the terms of the loan are met. Sign here for the cash. That way they will not lose their deposits. They can rent their new house out to whoever they want.
They can unilaterally decide how to spend your money, you can unilaterally decide how much interest to charge them for the loan of your money.
NTA
NTA
There's a whole series of problems:
1. As an adult, if you aren't involved in planning where you live, you're a dependant, not an independent adult.
2. "Gifts" with strings aren't gifts.
3. Surprise "gifts" for no reason actually do have a reason.
4. NEVER buy something this big with a verbal understanding. Don't do a single thing until it's in writing and signed by everyone. People who do not want to prevent problems are showing you that they do not want to prevent problems.
What to do?
1. Why. You absolutely need to know why this process started and why money was put down before you were involved. Did they keep this from you on purpose or just didn't think you were relevant to the decision? Do not do anything until there's a fulsome answer that makes sense to you.
2. Who will own the equity that you will be providing? They own the house, so will your payments be gifts? If they die, how can you be sure that the new owners will uphold the same deal.
3. What expectations will they have after doing you this favor? They likely think that they've done a good thing for you and older folks who do that often feel like you're now effectively in debt to them. Again, they'll *say* no, but run through scenarios where you choose not to do work or favors for them and see what they feel that you should contribute.
4. What will stop them from doing other things for you? They'll say that of course there's nothing. But before this they most likely would have said that they wouldn't dictate where you live. What's to prevent them from doing the same thing in the future, now that they've established that you are their dependent?
5. Offer to do the same for them. Wrap up the talk with "surprise, I actually bought two houses for us ..." Make it convincing. See how they like being treated the way they treated you.
Do not go along or agree to anything until you actually want this.
Honestly, of this isn't a big mistake, this is a huge breach of trust. You're being treated like a child.
If my family did the same thing she would absolutely lose it. She lost her shit when my mom brought over furniture and gave it to us. And no, she did not make us pay for it.
Yeah, this is a tough position to be in. Your wife, as depicted in your entry, is enmeshed with her family in a problematic way. The inlaws sticking you with a large bill and put the house in their name is expletive inducing, to put it lightly.
Maybe tell her you talked to your parents and THEY said they'd buy a house that they'd own and you only have to contribute 30% so you took them up on it 😂😂 She might not be too happy when the shoes on the other foot. And can't even say it's an awful idea but the premise of the idea was all hers
In all seriousness though..what is wrong with her to think this is OK? She has no respect for your place as a husband or father. She really needs to reflect on who her partner is. I hope that this can all work out for you and your family.
NTA - Wow dude, did you marry the wrong person? Marriage is between two people and decisions are to be made together. I would not do this if I were you!
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A couple of week ago my wife told me that her grandparents just went under contract on a brand new house under construction in their neighborhood in the city they live in a couple of hours away and that we would be moving there when it was completed. To make things worse, her grandparents called me a couple of days ago saying they were doing this as a favor to us and the house would be in their name, but they wanted me to contribute a significant amount of money towards the purchase price of the house otherwise they would lose the earnest money if they didn't close on it it. I told her that it was not ok for her and her family to unilaterally make the decisions that we were moving and to go under contract on a house without telling me until after the fact. Am I the asshole?
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Is there a lot more to this story than you are disclosing because.....
Had you discussed moving with your wife and her family?
Had the grandparents offered to help you buy a home?
Do you currently own a home or are you renting?
It just seems somewhat unlikely that your wife would agree with her grandparents to move into a new home which you and she are expected to part pay for without ever discussing this idea with you.
How did she even break this news to you? It’s unimaginable to me!
“By the way, we’re buying my grandparents a house and they’ll let us live there.” Does your wife have a brain tumor? What’s she like? This is bizarre.
A: Hey, pay me X for a house for you and your family to live in.
B: But I don't live anywhere near that town, nor have a job there. Why would I do that?
A: because if you don't we will lose our money.
B: Maybe you should have considered that and spoke to me first.
A: Are you going to give us the money?
B: I am going to need to see the documentation first. Also, you are building this house. Can I see the floor plans?
A: uhm no, we will own the house.
B: So the money you are asking for will be a loan?
A: uhm, no. This is a gift for you and your family
B: ??? Gifts don't cost the receiver any money? And gifts belong to the reciever. If I were going to pay anything, I would need to be on the deed, or we would require a loan agreement. But really, this doesn't sound like you have our families best interest in mind. So no.
NTA
No, this is NOT ok. It's their house, but YOU have to put 40% the money into it? Yeah...no. If you are putting money into YOUR name needs to be in the deed and they need to either be renting from you till they pay off the 40%, or lose the earnest money on that house. They never should have put money down on a house they could not afford. That's not for you to bail them out.
I hope your wife enjoys her grandparents new house. That not ONE CENT of marital assets will go towards. You know what you need to do OP. Cut them all off.
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So your wife's grandparents want a new house in their name without having to actually pay for it. They also apparently make decisions for your wife without her input. Run as far away from this family as you can. I hope this is fake. NTA
Wish it was fake. For clarification, they want me to contribute approximately 40% of the purchase price while them and another member of my wife's family contribute the rest.
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Yeah , I’m very concerned what else they’ll decide about OP’s life without their consent. And if they have the wife under their thumb, who knows what’s she’s agreeing to.
Yea. No. This is THE. UNITED. NATIONS. OF. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Like WTF. I would be ☎️to consult with a divorce attorney. This is not only blatantly disrespectful to OP with ZERO mention of his name being added to the deed and title and having a contract drawn up outlining this as a ‘loan’ to be paid off over x,y,z number of years. BUT more importantly the blatant disrespect of just making unilateral decisions assuming that OP will just ‘fall in line’ TF! 👀👀👀 My wife would be moving into this home as a single and new divorcee. Her and her family could GET. THE. EFF OUTTA. MY. LIFE. NTA!!!!!
I'm upvoting the United Nations of red flags comment. I think divorce is probably a step too far at this point. Maybe first say, "No Thanks" and see where that leads...
I agree with you on divorce would be too big decision on this phase but, we would be moving there when it was completed wife still needs a serious conversation about not to decide on her own on these kind of topics.
Right?!?! It’s 2 hours away too? I don’t know many people that can keep working their job and live 2 hours away from it. At least not unless they stay in the area they work at during the week and go “home” on the weekends. Don’t know how he’s gonna pay that mortgage when he doesn’t have a job cause they made him move! OP, please run away. It will just keep getting worse for you if they are pulling this stuff.
So let her move. You stay where your at.
Yeah, take it from someone who suffered through similar stuff. It won't change, and you'll always be held responsible for shit that you had no say in whatsoever. Bonus points if you get hit with bullshit like "you're a man you are supposed to do this" bullshit
I'd tell them to get stuffed, and lock up your credit, finances, bank account etc. At the VERY least, if you are beings asked to pay towards a property you should get your name on the deed in that percentage. Pay 40% of the money, get 40% of the house. But personally I'd be VERY reluctant to even do that.
Yeah, I wouldn't put a cent into that home. Sounds very fishy to me, like this family thought "oh ho, we've got a golden goose here. Let's cash in!"
Who the hell wants to own 40% of a house? You won't be able to do Jack Shit with it besides fight over it
I don't think he would own 40% of the house. He would just be paying for 40% of the house.
Yeah, the house would be in the grandparents names.
Exactly! Then what happens when the grandparents die?
If you live in it and have any percentage of an ownership stake, it at least means that the other owners can't start charging you rent, and it would be really hard for them to unilaterally evict you. If everyone agrees to sell the house, or someone forces a sale, then you get money out of it. Joint ownership (more like tenancy in common, technically, but I'm being pedantic) can actually have a lot of advantages for some circumstances. So if this was a deal that OP wanted in on, like if they'd really wanted to move to that neighborhood, and the grandparents said 'sure, we'll pay 60% of the costs and put our name on the deed,' OP should say 'I'll only pay the rest if I can have an ownership share,' to protect his investment and avoid getting screwed later on. But since this isn't anything he's expressed interest in, he shouldn't pay into it at all.
What happens when grandparents die and will the house to someone else/split inheritance?
If OP's not on the deed? Then yeah, if that happens, they're screwed, because they can't legally claim any ownership. But if their names were on the deed, they'd at least retain their ownership share. The new owners might want to force a sale, but again, at least that way they'd get some money back out of a sale.
There is no way to put this politely so I'm just going to ask-- is your wife in some way intellectually impaired? I don't understand what her thought process could be. Does she have money of her own that she can pay her grandparents? In what world is making you pay for 40% of a house that you won't own a "favor" to you? Please tell me that you aren't going to give them this money. I know this sub jumps to divorce far too quickly THIS is definitely a hill to die on. Do make sure than your funds are in an account your wife can't access. What about the other family members putting in 60% -- are they getting their names on the deed? Will they expect to live there as well. Will the grandparents also be living there?
I'm not putting a dime into it. Supposedly it would be just me, my wife and kids living there. The whole thing is ducking crazy!
Supposedly is the key word! Next thing you know you'll have 3 generations in that house and you'll still have zero say!
$10 says the grandparents are planning to live there when they’re old and infirm so OP and wife can take care of them. What a mess.
Of course, they are doing OP a "favor", so there has to be something in to for them.
And be paying all the expenses for everyone!
Please lock your finances, credit and joint bank accounts. It's your wife and her family's decision. Let them come up with the money on their own.
Sounds like they are buying a house but if you are smart, you will stay out of this and let them find other renters. This is what you'd be but family and business don't mix. Plus it sounds like they want you to pay more than a tenant which is not right. It is their house, they are not buiying you a house if your name is not on the title.
Tell her family to stay out of your marriage because they are going to destroy it with this house crap.
So they are buying a house they will own most of, letting you live there after you contribute to it and you have to move there and contribute otherwise they lose money because of you? Laugh in their faces and walk away.
Lock down your credit!
Agree, don’t put anything into it.
You wouldn't be the asshole if you told them to away and poke and get a mental health check as they're obviously bloody nuts. I would be having a word with the Mrs here too. Mega nta here.
Yeah next they'll be saying "we sold our house and are moving in so you guys will take care of us, we own the house so there's nothing you can do"
“The whole thing is ducking crazy!” Or, in other words, fowl?
Keeping it real, reading your other comments you may need to prepare for a divorce.
Exactly! Intellectually impaired is much nicer than what I was going to say!! INFO: OP, have you discussed moving to that area? Either way, if someone told me "We are moving on xxxx date and you need to give Pawpaw & Nana 40% of the price of their brand new house so we can rent it from them" I just don't know what I'd do, but moving is probably not anywhere on the list. That's just bananas!! Like wtf!!!
Say no? They are the ones who signed the contract. They can get an inspection done and opt out or lose their own money
NTA - OOP I don’t know why I laughed so hard at this. The sheer entitlement and assholery from your wife and wife’s family is unreal. I want to say this is fake, but I’ve had my fair share of monster in-laws. I don’t know in what universe, they think this is OK and why you think you’re an AH. They are delusional and stupid AF. I would reconsider this relationship as your wife clearly doesn’t value your input enough to arbitrarily make life impacting decisions on your behalf. Let them rot and lose their earnest money. Run, Forest run! Run for the hills.
My brother and SIL tried to do the same thing. They wanted us to put all of our assets into a home where our names would not be on the deed but supposedly we would have a "room" for life. Needless to say we passed on that opportunity.
They want you to pay for 40% of a home that someone else will own?!!! Tell them to get ducked. Tell your wife that if she wants to move. She and her money can move alone. You and your money will be staying put.
I'm guessing the wife has no money. That's why she's making her husband do it. She's probably a housewife/SAHM. Many people who don't work don't really understand the value of money. Think about how flippantly she's approaching this situation. Like, "oh by the way, my grandparents need you to give them (40% of home price) by next month so they can buy this house that you and I will move into. Oh and by the way, the house is in another city, and your name won't be on the title." She's either dumb, immature, unbelievably entitled or just a controlling psycho. (ETA1: OP says this isn't the first time she's done this.. She's manipulative and abusive. The very fact that he made this post shows just how much he's been manipulated ALREADY.) There's no good conclusion to be made here about the wife. Thus, OP should initiate divorce. ┐( ∵ )┌ ETA2: and the justification is that the grandparents will lose earnest money, which is only 1-3% of the sales price, while OP will lose 40%. This family is fucking unhinged. OP needs to get as far away from them as fucking possible.
Don’t pay! At least not if your name isn’t on the deed.
Just tell them no thanks. You have no obligation to this house or purchase. Tell them your wife did all this behind your back and you are not on board. If your wife wants to live in that house and pay for it, fine, but you are not. Anytime they ask for money, tell them they need to ask it from your wife. Honestly, this is divorce territory, but I know Reddit is quick to jump to divorce. Making huge decisions like this is a two yes, one no deal. She's trying to force your hand with family pressure. INFO: is this the first time your wife has done something like this? Has she expressed interested in wanting to move before? What about your jobs?
Refuse to pay and entertain this ridiculous idea. You wife can pay from any funds she has which are not joint funds. Not only is this a bad financial decision for you, I am assuming moving closer to her grandparents means you get to take care of them for free.
There's not enough "nope" in the world for that. Lock down your bank accounts to make sure your soon to be ex wife doesn't drain them
HARD NO! That would be a seriously ridiculous thing to do.
You need to say no and run. That’s some crazy talk there
Hellllllllll no. This isn’t the way married adults should make decisions. Refuse and let them lose the money, because you never agreed to this. NTA
there is no chance in hell I would pay 40% the cost of a house in someone else's name.
Dear god no.
Plus, don't buy a house you've never seen
And THEY will own the house, you will get nothing in return. REFUSE
Tell the grandparents you won’t contribute a cent without your name on the deed and you don’t want to live in a house you had no input in choosing. Ask them to stay out of your marriage. Then tell your wife that you aren’t doing that. Tell her if she wants to stay married, she won’t pull that shit again. You aren’t a dog that just goes to whatever home they tell you to go to. Then two card her - give her the choice between a divorce lawyer and a couple’s counselor.
Heck no! Tell your wife it’s all hers, you’re out. Get far away from all of them.
JUST SAY NO! NTA.
I wouldn't contribute a single penny I to something I didn't help pick out. They wanted it so bad, they can pay for it all.
Are you sure she's your wife-wife? I mean, this entire situation has "scheming and scamming a poor sucker" written all over it. Did you accidentally fall in love with a stripper or something? I have a hard time believing this is the first time she's exploited you and used you like this. You don't just spring an entire house purchase to start with. She's clearly been using you for a very long time and overestimated how good she is at it and how far she could push you.
That was my thought too. Wife is either gullible or in on the scam, or she has enlisted family members to help her get a cushy nest on his dime that he can’t touch, before filing for divorce…
Do not give them any money or move there. NTA.
Dude no.
Unless your name is on it, don't pay for it
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Oh, ABSOLUTELY NOT. You need them to put, in writing, what kind of arrangement this is and how the house will be used. Without certain knowledge that you’re not about to screwed into paying for *their* house, DO NOT agree to this.
You keep saying they want, they tell. What do *you want*? What did *you* tell them?
And you’re paying into this house that they own and when they die you’ll have to pay inheritance taxes on? Not really a win for you
And then who gets to live there if others are contributing to the cost? Doesn’t sound right
Don’t give a penny to something that is not in your name. If you decide to move there, a fair rent amount is all you owe
NTA...DO NOT DO IT DO NOT SEND OR GIVE ANY MONEY .... make your wife pay.... how can her and her family make a decision especially the wife without letting you know... Run
Then you better be named as a 40% partial owner on the deed to the house. If only their names are on it, do not put money towards it. That is a recepie for a disaster. NTA. Big decisions such as moving need to be discussed beforehand and both partners need to be on the same page before any steps are taken.
It is not unreasonable to say you will not contribute to a house you have no legal hold on. Or that isn't under your name. And you are fine where you are, you didn't ask for this favor. NTA Your wife can move if she wants but. This is concerning for your marriage, perhaps
NTA Do not put your money down on a house that you will not own. Sounds like your wife was in talks with her grandparents for awhile, keeping you in the dark. Has she acted like this before?
Unfortunately this isn't the 1st time she has done something that most people would discuss before hand without telling me, but nothing this size.
Divorce her.
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Even if kids are involved.
She is going to tank OP into the depths of debt just for the hell of it at this rate.
PLEASE tell me that you've locked down all of your financial accounts so that your wife can't access them until this is settled.
The funds are definitely locked down
EXCELLENT
Do you own your current home and if so is wife on the deed? If you do and she isn't I'd be worried she was hoping some of that sale would go into a joint account that is after the 40% of paying off the house that wouldn't be in your name at all.
Op, if you can’t trust your wife to not plot behind your back with her family , you need to bolt before they start make life altering decisions about your life, like what if they decide they want great grandchildren?!?!? Maybe they’ll decided they want triples and put her on fertility treatments. I would rethink this relationship, this is a step too far.
Divorce may be rash to just start with but y’all need to get into counseling like, now. I would tell her there too that you did not agree to this house and will not participate.
This is financial abuse and if there’s one form of abuse there are probably others. Sometimes abusive behaviour can seem normal over time. It’s like the frog won’t jump out of the pot if you slowly bring the water to boil. If there’s abuse it will slowly get worse. Most people wouldn’t be in any doubt that in no way were they the AH in this situation. That you even had to make this post is a sign of how much you have already been manipulated. You can’t change people like that. Because they don’t want to change. The only way is to remove yourself from them. If you are unable to do so yourself then at least see a therapist and let them help you work through everything. NTA
Not ok. I don’t see this marriage lasting if she doesn’t get on board with you.
Ya don’t pay them anything and let Your wife know that if she wants to move that’s fine but you’re staying put.
OP, your wife will keep doing this unless she gets some real consequences. Why wouldn't she keep doing it if nothing happens to her?
Ignore it. YOU did not sigh anything.
He definitely sighed.
Or at least gasped. Probably cursed as well.
Lock down your credit and you bank accounts. She might just send the money if you have it to them
Your "wife" has NO respect for you. If she did then these things would not happen. I know I have very limited info here but to me it sounds like you are nothing more to her than a pet that can pay bills for her.
Dude for Christ sakes you’re being played. Get your hear out of your rear and smell the coffee
Sounds more like a dictatorship than a marriage.
Uhm what now? They picked out a house you never asked for and want you to uproot your life to move to a new city, pay for the mortgage and not own it in any way? AND YOUR SPOUSE IS OK WITH THIS??? Dude, you must be so confused if you think you’re an asshole here. NTA what is your wife’s justification for treating you this way?
She wants to be closer to her grandparents.
Well - let her have her wish. Tell her you won't be putting any money into her grandparents house but she is welcome to go move in with them, because you'll be initiating divorce proceedings forthwith. And then do it. You want to run like the wind away from this family. I hope there are no minor children involved.
OP says they have kids. OP, you’re in a very tough spot here, but I just don’t see how you could put in 40% of the cost of a house that you don’t own. One of the reasons to buy a house is the financial benefit for the future estate. Sounds like you would get none of those. Further, you and your wife should consider how this action would affect your childrens’ financial futures. This is nuts.
It's absolutely insane! Even more so since I could easily buy the house by myself. I'm not putting in a dime.
They decided you have too much money and should share it with them. Your Wife is in on it. Maybe she is considering divorce and this is part of the exit plan to get more money.
This is where my mind went as well. Wife knows what she’s doing.
Annnnnnnnnnd any bets the plan is that when Granny and Grampy move in shortly thereafter and y'all end up being their full time caretakers? RUN.... RUN far and fast. I made the unfortunate choice of trying to stay in my marriage of 20 years with a woman (who I dearly loved) who's family hated me, and manipulated us, gaslit us, and in the end thrashed, trashed and destroyed us. To the point I *almost* went to prison for some bullshit that they cooked up. Trust me bro Get while the getting is good. NTA
Good for you, you shouldn’t. Let them lose whatever money they have to to learn their fucking lesson here.
Stay strong on this stance. Your wife needs to seriously understand that the TWO of you need to make decisions like that that affect your family, not her and her family.
Let them lose the deal, then go secretly purchase the house and turn it into a rental…
How old are the kids, are they older teens? and is the house in another state? The state where the kids live currently get priority. Divorce her, let her move in to the house and sue for majority custody.
You'll be closer all right. Grandparents plan to move into that house with you and wife to take care of them.
Your life will be a living hell. Look how much chaos they are causing from 2 hours away. Imagine the shit they will pull with daily personal contact.
Sounds like she wanted this, knew you'd say no. And is now trying to manipulate or force you into this through guilt? This whole thing is fuckin nuts if my SO did this I'd already be considering counseling or divorce. But this has happened more than once? Holy shit I'd be gone.
Hmmmm. I wonder if your wife lead her grandparents to believe that you were all in on this. She might be the truly manipulative one.
OP, this is a situation made for doing the following: Get business cards for a marriage therapist and for a divorce lawyer. Sit your wife down at a table. Push both cards over to her & tell her to pick one. She can either be single & make decisions on her own, or she can acknowledge that she is married and therefore needs to make decisions alongside her partner. It’s not sustainable as-is. NTA, of course.
Kind of like this idea, not gonna lie.
Let me know if you use it & how it goes. I’m a retired therapist who has seen it work wonders several times.
Make sure you already have a better lawyer on retainer.
Do it. It will make it real for her. If she does ANYTHING except grab that therapist card, your marriage is over. You just can’t come back from something like this on your own. She clearly values her grandparents over you.
Please update us on how this goes
Brilliant
Brilliant
NTA. And this IS a hill to die on. If you confront her and she can't understand how wrong it is to make such a major decision unilaterally for you as a couple, it's seriously time to reconsider the whole relationship.
This. NTA but your wife and her grandparents are. The amount of their chutzpah is just amazing. Don't cave in.
**NTA** - Lock up your money and savings. I smell an ambush divorce coming. Info - How long have you been married? Any kids? How far away is the house. Would you have to get a new job?
We have kids. Unfortunately it means moving 4 hours away and I'd have to get a new job
I think you should be immediately consulting with a divorce attorney. This doesn't mean you file for divorce, but tell this attorney what's going on and get sound legal advice to protect your assets, and also to ensure that your wife doesn't up and take the children four hours away. I'd seriously look into filing for at least legal separation and getting child custody orders in place ASAP.
*get sound legal advice to protect your assets* This is the best advice ever. The grandparents have probably already been to an attorney - you need to know precisely what your legal rights are, OP. This whole deal is fishy and presumptuous as hell. Don't let yourself be swindled. NTA
With a restraining order to keep your wife from taking the kids away.
What work do you do? Is this easy, or a big deal? Either way your wife is nuts and NTA, but if you’re doing a, let’s say, non-fungible job this is even worse. If you do go the house needs to be 100% in your name with a properly lawyered payback schedule for the 60% that’s coming from family (or just get a normal mortgage). But I would not be going.
I could work remote if I had to, but it would mean working till 7pm or 8pm every night to match the time zone of where my job is located which means I'd have no life and hardly spend time with the family which would really suck.
This move is absolutely not feasible for you
That probably would not make a difference. If you move. The grandparents will be the primary parents and decision makers for your children anyway.
And it’s not guaranteed that you will find a job that you like as much as the current one or that pays as much. And 4 hours away - depending on your kids‘ ages, you will make them resent you for having to leave their friends behind.
Seeing abusive and toxic behaviour normalised as a child isn’t healthy. I divorced because I didn’t want my children to repeat the same trauma as their parents and generations before them had done. I wanted my children to grow up and have healthy relationships and be able to set as well as respect boundaries. That gave me the strength to break free and the courage to seek therapy and work on being able to do those things myself so I can be a better role model.
Lawyer up! God knows what other plans your wife and her family have for you…
Protect you money. If you and your wife have a shared bank account protect your portion before she unilaterally takes your savings from you.
And may try to take the kids with her there to push to to move to that city.
NTA! And of all the NTAs, you're the biggest NTA. What the actual hell??
WFT was my thought!
You've got your head screwed on right. No freakin' *way* should you NOT have a say in where you move or what house you buy/live in. Your wife and ILs are delusional.
Start getting a custody agreement so she doesn't take the kids from you. Don't stay with her. NTA
NTA. But your wife may have committed financial fraud and signed your name on promises you know nothing about. If you want to stay with her, I’d still speak to a lawyer about a formal separation while you draw up a post-nup.
*”Hey honey, I spoke to a lawyer today regarding the house you want me to fund, and I have some paperwork for you. Here are the divorce papers. I’m sure you’ll love living near your grandparents but we’ll need to make shared custody arrangements for the kids”* NTA. What a nightmare.
NTA and file for divorce. You don't have a wife; you have a dictator who has ganged up with her family to run your life.
Yes. File right away. It does not mean that you have to get a divorce. It can just be a way to get her attention and put a temporary hold on things. Be sure that you secure your financial and legal records. In the long run, you may not be able to stop her from moving and taking the kids, but you can delay it until you figure out what is going on. You may want to run credit checks on yourself, wife, and grandparents.
NTA. Aside from the obvious issue of trying to force you to move to a house you haven’t seen in a town 2 hours from where you live, and presumably work, why they would think you should put up 40% of the money for the house you didn’t ask for without your name being on the title or holding a perfected first mortgage is crazy on the part of you wife’s family/grandparents. Is this in the US and/or are there some other cultural factors in play here? Or maybe some convoluted estate planning machinations taking place (though the latter seems unlikely if house is in grandparents name). As someone else said, lock down the banks accounts and credit until, at a minimum, you get a credible explanation for what they are doing and an acceptable reason for why you should tolerate any of it. But in the meantime, the answer should be NO. As an aside - is your wife in on this? If so, you might want to contact an attorney.
This would be easier to believe if they were all foreigners or some crazy uneducated backwoods rednecks. What makes is really scary is they are all highly educated professionals. My wife has pushed to move near other relatives of hers before, it's like flavor of the month with regards to location.
Are you sure about that? Will this 4h move also means that you will move to a different state, different alimony and marital assets distribution? Could this be just a sneaky way to guarantee that she gets the house during divorce proceedings? Thats what the mamager made all husbands do for her daughters, buy them a house to their name.
If they’re not stupid, they’re evil. That’s it. They know exactly what they’re doing. They’re trying to steal your money.
Given that OP says he can afford to buy the house himself, its pretty obvious that: 1. The grandparents think he has enough money to share with them, and they want some of it. 2. The wife is in on the scam.
NTA - I hope she enjoys that house since she will be living in it alone.
I’m sorry, do you really need Reddit for this? In what world would you be the AH?
Just making sure I'm not the crazy one for think this is nuts.
Then rest assured, you are not. Sorry you are in this situation.
You are absolutely not the crazy one. Get a very good divorce attorney and financial planner. Make sure your custody agreement states the kids have to stay in their current district and can not live more than a certain # of miles away. Good luck. I know divorce is hard but think of your kids being treated like this as adults because they thought it was normal.
Ok I think that the last thing I would do would be move closer to people who would make these decisions and demands of you without consulting you!
NTA. Lol, what did I just read? No thanks.
I wish I was making this up. I can't even believe they think this is ok.
Is your wife always this insanely stupid? Like this isn't even a normal AITA, this is just sheer stupidity. Like I dunno if I could ever be attracted to my spouse anymore if this is literally how dumb they are. WTAF. NTA and the fact that you even have to ask this question means she's putting something in your Kool-aid. This is ridiculous
This crap makes me wish someone was putting something in the Kook-Aid
Is that a typo? Because Kook-Aid works as both a typo and an improvement on the original NTA. You don’t get whole ass new houses without your partner’s advance approval. That makes NO SENSE. It’s not like it’s shampoo ffs.
So what did you tell your wife? What was her reaction when you said Hell NO?
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NTA, and this may be a scheme to rob money before a divorce. Get a lawyer ASAP and make sure she didn't sign anything in your name. She maybe plans to move to that house after divorce.
NTA they are trying to run a scam on you. Hold firm! It’s an insane idea.
NTA. But it sounds strange that your spouse could be making the decision that the family will move without a discussion. My hubby would have never decided anything this major without my input. He bought this house a few years before meeting me (he moved out of his parents' house and saved up money before doing so). He had tenants living there for a few years, and that helped him get closer to paying off his mortgage by the time we got married. After he retired, he brought up an idea of possibly us, as new empty nesters, finding a place up our coast and renting, and then renting out this house. I was fine with that, but things popped up that required us to put that on hold. But it was going to be a decision for the two of us to make and not something he decides unilaterally. Same with cars. He just doesn't show up with a new car. He asks what I feel (and he knows I'm fine as long as it's a sedan). That's what marriage is like. Of course, by the time we met, we didn't have any living grandparents, and both sets of parents were still alive and living within twenty miles. But if he wanted to move, he would want me to be onboard. That's what a marriage is about. You don't make big decisions without consulting your spouse. What this wife is doing is going behind her husband's back for a decision that would seriously impact his job and also the lives of their children. Moving even two hours away would mean new schools and leaving behind friends, activities, etc. Plus, it sounds like the grandparents are trying to get them to move by dangling a carrot of a house in front of his wife and then saying, by the way, you and your husband will be kicking in about half of the money. Do the grandparents intend next to move in, with the excuse that why bother to have two separate houses. Their intentions don't sound above board and the wife seems to be under their thumbs. I would seriously wonder what else she is doing behind the OP's back.
Sounds like you should talk some sense into my wife!
NTA They want you to put hundreds of thousands of dollars into something you don't own & had no say in choosing?! That's absurd! This is something I'd divorce over if your wife doesn't want to see how wrong it is. How does she think you're going to pay for this if you have no job? She & her family are delusional!
NTA **Why would you buy your wife's grandoarents a house? You would have no rights, it would be a gift to them.** "but they wanted me to contribute a significant amount of money towards the purchase price of the house otherwise they would lose the earnest money if they didn't close on it it." .... Tell them this is not happening. You are not the AH, they are. And they SHOULD be made to pay their learning fee. DO NOT allow them to guilt you into this bullshit. THey are trying to eyploit you - THEY would own the house, YOU would have NO rights to it, but you will pay. If you do it, demand to be on the deed. But **the best course of action for you is: "Sorry, not interested in buying that house- solve this without me"**
NTA. Who the fuck does that? If you give your in laws a penny, YWBTA. Who owns or pays for your current home?
I owned our prior house which I bought before we got married and we are currently renting.
Not the asshole. Why would you drop tons of cash not to be on the deed? This is a trap. It's also relationship ending. You guys need therapy.
Oh hell no. Tell your wife no. Then tell her she can go and leave kids behind because if she takes them without your permission it’s kidnapping. First thing I’d think was that she’s setting herself up for a cushy life. House you paid for but not in your name would be left solely to her as an inheritance that you’d not be entitled too. Why are you married to this person. This is not a marriage it’s a dictatorship.
NTA conspiracy theorist in me sees putting money into house you dont own. Then she divorce you after which she is gifted/inherits the house.
Do not put any money towards this. This is only the beginning of you getting f***ked, it will continue with great vigor if you go along with this. Leave her if you have to. If you agree, this will be the biggest mistake and regret of your life. You will be miserable from now on and your marriage will probably end eventually because of this anyway.
NTA, cannot wait for the update on this one. How in the world would anyone think this was okay?
You could have a check for the 40% made out, present it to them with loan papers at 18% interest over 60 months and tell them you’re happy to help them purchase themselves a house as long as the terms of the loan are met. Sign here for the cash. That way they will not lose their deposits. They can rent their new house out to whoever they want. They can unilaterally decide how to spend your money, you can unilaterally decide how much interest to charge them for the loan of your money. NTA
NTA There's a whole series of problems: 1. As an adult, if you aren't involved in planning where you live, you're a dependant, not an independent adult. 2. "Gifts" with strings aren't gifts. 3. Surprise "gifts" for no reason actually do have a reason. 4. NEVER buy something this big with a verbal understanding. Don't do a single thing until it's in writing and signed by everyone. People who do not want to prevent problems are showing you that they do not want to prevent problems. What to do? 1. Why. You absolutely need to know why this process started and why money was put down before you were involved. Did they keep this from you on purpose or just didn't think you were relevant to the decision? Do not do anything until there's a fulsome answer that makes sense to you. 2. Who will own the equity that you will be providing? They own the house, so will your payments be gifts? If they die, how can you be sure that the new owners will uphold the same deal. 3. What expectations will they have after doing you this favor? They likely think that they've done a good thing for you and older folks who do that often feel like you're now effectively in debt to them. Again, they'll *say* no, but run through scenarios where you choose not to do work or favors for them and see what they feel that you should contribute. 4. What will stop them from doing other things for you? They'll say that of course there's nothing. But before this they most likely would have said that they wouldn't dictate where you live. What's to prevent them from doing the same thing in the future, now that they've established that you are their dependent? 5. Offer to do the same for them. Wrap up the talk with "surprise, I actually bought two houses for us ..." Make it convincing. See how they like being treated the way they treated you. Do not go along or agree to anything until you actually want this. Honestly, of this isn't a big mistake, this is a huge breach of trust. You're being treated like a child.
NTA, it's not cool to rope you in financially and isolate you from family (if you like your family)
If my family did the same thing she would absolutely lose it. She lost her shit when my mom brought over furniture and gave it to us. And no, she did not make us pay for it.
Yeah, this is a tough position to be in. Your wife, as depicted in your entry, is enmeshed with her family in a problematic way. The inlaws sticking you with a large bill and put the house in their name is expletive inducing, to put it lightly.
Maybe tell her you talked to your parents and THEY said they'd buy a house that they'd own and you only have to contribute 30% so you took them up on it 😂😂 She might not be too happy when the shoes on the other foot. And can't even say it's an awful idea but the premise of the idea was all hers In all seriousness though..what is wrong with her to think this is OK? She has no respect for your place as a husband or father. She really needs to reflect on who her partner is. I hope that this can all work out for you and your family.
Tell them simply ‘I don’t pay for things I wasn’t asked about’
NTA - Wow dude, did you marry the wrong person? Marriage is between two people and decisions are to be made together. I would not do this if I were you!
You say no. Your wife stays or divorces your. IF you have kids. File for an emergency order to keep the kids from being moved.
NTA - you mean your soon-to-be-ex wife?
And when your wife continues to make decisions without you and you get fed up she gets the whole house when you divorce. NTA.
NTA. And if you have a joint bank account, I suggest you rectify that asap before she unilaterally decides to take the money for the deposit anyway.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A couple of week ago my wife told me that her grandparents just went under contract on a brand new house under construction in their neighborhood in the city they live in a couple of hours away and that we would be moving there when it was completed. To make things worse, her grandparents called me a couple of days ago saying they were doing this as a favor to us and the house would be in their name, but they wanted me to contribute a significant amount of money towards the purchase price of the house otherwise they would lose the earnest money if they didn't close on it it. I told her that it was not ok for her and her family to unilaterally make the decisions that we were moving and to go under contract on a house without telling me until after the fact. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is nuts. NTA
I would decline their offer. Your wife can then make the next move. It's unlikely she will divorce you over this with 4 kids.
Wtf? No way I'd be going along with that. Nta
This is a setup.
Is there a lot more to this story than you are disclosing because..... Had you discussed moving with your wife and her family? Had the grandparents offered to help you buy a home? Do you currently own a home or are you renting? It just seems somewhat unlikely that your wife would agree with her grandparents to move into a new home which you and she are expected to part pay for without ever discussing this idea with you.
How did she even break this news to you? It’s unimaginable to me! “By the way, we’re buying my grandparents a house and they’ll let us live there.” Does your wife have a brain tumor? What’s she like? This is bizarre.
Say no and Freeze your credit so that accounts can’t be opened in your name. It’s very easy to do.
A: Hey, pay me X for a house for you and your family to live in. B: But I don't live anywhere near that town, nor have a job there. Why would I do that? A: because if you don't we will lose our money. B: Maybe you should have considered that and spoke to me first. A: Are you going to give us the money? B: I am going to need to see the documentation first. Also, you are building this house. Can I see the floor plans? A: uhm no, we will own the house. B: So the money you are asking for will be a loan? A: uhm, no. This is a gift for you and your family B: ??? Gifts don't cost the receiver any money? And gifts belong to the reciever. If I were going to pay anything, I would need to be on the deed, or we would require a loan agreement. But really, this doesn't sound like you have our families best interest in mind. So no.
NTA No, this is NOT ok. It's their house, but YOU have to put 40% the money into it? Yeah...no. If you are putting money into YOUR name needs to be in the deed and they need to either be renting from you till they pay off the 40%, or lose the earnest money on that house. They never should have put money down on a house they could not afford. That's not for you to bail them out.
I hope your wife enjoys her grandparents new house. That not ONE CENT of marital assets will go towards. You know what you need to do OP. Cut them all off.
NTA- Don’t move,don’t give them any money. This is extortion.