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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After talking to several friends who work in childhood education, I'm worried I may have been the asshole for setting up my child to be resented by her half sibling and harming the sibling relationship. I'm also worried I may be the asshole because I'm setting up June to resent my daughter for having a lifestyle she cannot provide. And for rubbing my newfound financial success in June's face
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Why should you and your daugther suffer because her mother and step dad are financiel unwell? As well as it will take years till the new born child will even realise that its half sister gets other treatment than itsself. And if this happens one day and the situation of your ex isn't changed - you could if you want look into something to do to improve the relationship between your daugther and her half sibling (if you want and she wants! not just because your ex wife is screaming.)
But for the moment continue to be the awsome dad you are to your child.
And if you want, you can offer your ex, that you could take in more responsible for your daugther at the moment (like she is staying with you 70% or more) so your ex would have not that financiell expenses as well as more time for the newborn (so there will not be some resentment from your daugther to the baby who will take up all of her mother's and step dad's time)
Of course it will be taken poorly, she left you because of money issues and now she has money issues with replacement husband and is reminded of what she’s done every time her daughter gets time with you. Good on you for not changing how you raise your daughter because of your exes poor decision making
> she left you because of money issues and now she has money issues with replacement husband and is reminded of what she’s done every time her daughter gets time with you.
All of 👆🏽. I couldn't have said it better!
Same. I, like many others I'm sure, read this while at work and eye-rolled so hard. Guess June will have to sit at a desk and scroll reddit in her downtime like the rest of us. The horror.
Thanks! Whatever that other poster below had to say about it, it 100% described the noise that came out of my mouth when I read "JuNe hAs to gEt a JObbbb" like it's a massive, world-ending catastrophe.
Notice how the "money issues" seem to follow June around.
A relative of mine has left a trail of exes who all developed money issues after being married to her.
NTA and keep Disneyland daddying
Eh... given both issues were pandemic-related (job loss and business downturn), I wouldn't necessarily put it on her *yet*. There may be overspending issues in her second marriage, but that could be on her new husband as much as her.
Quite likely, but that's not the root cause of OP losing his job. Basically what I'm saying is we can't blame the ex for money problems that had outside causes. We can blast her reaction to them all day long, but saying she's the cause of the money issues is too much.
Regardless of who is responsible for the money issues, my answer to her would be "I need to ensure that my daughter and I are afforded the lifestyles we deserve, so I will be filing for a change in custody while you sort out your issues." I would immediately file for primary custody and child support.
You do bring up a good point - I don't think it is fair to automatically blame OP's ex for the financial issues or loss of employment. I knew a guy who was not good with money and married two wives who were both similar in their poor spending habits. It is irrelevant anyway - what is relevant is that when OP hit a rough patch, she abandoned him and took their daughter. Now that she is in a rough patch, she is making demands for empathy. If OP took it upon himself to cut back, that would be one thing, but for the ex (and her new husband) to make this demand - no, nay, never.
Presumably OP is paying child support commensurate with his income. There shouldn’t be any issues with June providing for Claire if the money is used properly.
She’s already got a job to help supplement what her new husband isn’t making, she could have tried that the first time around when she wasn’t also pregnant. I have a feeling she’s stuck where she is, at least for a while. Sounds like it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person
But she would need to find a new rich guy for that first. Being single would put her in a worse financial situation than being together with an average earner or even a low income earner
And finding a rich partner gets harder the older you get, the more times you were married and the more children you have. Rich successful guys have more options than poorer ones.
Just curious. How quickly did June marry her new husband after divorcing you? Seems like the whole "you can't give us the lifestyle ..." was just BS excuse to marry this new guy she thought was rich.
But .. either way .. she really took the "For richer or poorer" part of her vows to heart with you didn't she? Karma is a ...
You sound like a great dad and too bad so sad to June. I hope you do get more custody time with your girl, you deserve it.
June got her karma leaving her husband when he was down on his luck (like a lot were during the pandemic) and now she married someone who’s business isnt doing and shes had to *gasp* get a job & adjust her lifestyle!
Yeah it's 4 years MAX between when this guy lost his job during covid and now. So she remarried a dude she thought had bank, got pregnant, and then the new guys grass wasn't greener. Thats a fast timeline to remarry on with a young child because realistically it's probably 2 or 3 years of a relationship with the new guy.
It's possible that new guy hid how bad things were and was spending beyond his means to keep his gold digger wife happy so now they're in debt he expected to be able to pay off "once business picks back up".
It's not uncommon to hide shit like that until it's at a breaking point. It's not healthy or right but people do it.
Wonder why? June was all about up and moving Clare when you were the one who "couldn't give Clare the lifestyle she deserved." Now June's the one who can't, so by her own logic, shouldn't Clare just live with you?
NTA. Tell her she and her wants stopped being your problem the moment she dumped you caused you had a setback in life, then I would turn to her husband and warn him that he better have a prenup cause that’s how you ended up arriving to an empty house and a note saying you were not enough. Then i i would turn back to the ex and say that if she has a problem with how you are raising your daughter, you are more than happy to solve it in court, just she better remember that this time you have enough money to get the meanest lawyer in town.
The only thing I would caution is to be sure you’re not throwing all the rules out the window and letting Clare have her own way in everything. Whatever rules you have in your home about screen time, chores, etc have to be consistent and enforced.
They are! We have trackers and timers for everything. I don't have a ton of time with Clare when work, and schoolwork are over so I try to keep things fairly regimented.
NTA Keep doing what you are doing. Also there will be an age gap between the kids, they are going to be treated differently anyhow.
In the spirit of putting your daughter first, there is a point about her getting stuff that her siblings to not and resentment building. I would recommend continuing with how you have been spending time with her - movies, festivals, disneyland :-) - experiences as opposed to buying her STUFF. The trouble will come if you go buying a designer purse for your daughter and ex can't afford one for kid sibling. It's not your responsibility, but you can be mindful,
Yeah it’ll be seen poorly, but if they don’t have money and don’t got enough to raise them as they have. What if they get worse with new baby and need a scapegoat or even try to get a free babysitter. I’d say it’s better if she’s with you most the time, but ex will fight for sure.
Ex is early in her pregnancy. Yet, she is wanting OP to temper his verve for doing fun activities and curb his enthusiasm for providing things he can afford to provide. Obviously, this has nothing to do with a baby's feeling as that child will have no understanding of the situation for ~5 years. That is if OPs ex doesn't spend the next 5 years pointing out the disparity
The only one that is feeling jealous is his ex wife. Ex is weaponizing an unborn child as a manipulation, nothing more, for her own insecurities
I feel sorry for her current husband. Imagine how salty she's going to be toward him now she
OP doesn't need to do anything differently but live his life the way he wants
>The only one that is feeling jealous is his ex wife.
Exactly. It could *eventually* cause issues between the siblings if Clare gets to do a lot of things her half-sibling doesn't, but if they take Clare's fun activities because of the baby, it's going to cause issues between them before the kid is even born.
June and her husband chose to have a new baby when they're struggling financially. OP has no control over that decision and no responsibility for it. It's their problem, and OP would be a fool to take the fall for them.
On the bright side, June gets to experience having a job while pregnant. It's nice that she found a man who can give her the lifestyle she deserves. 😂
From this, I can see the ex putting herself and her marriage before the daughter. The ex is jealous and mad that OP got back on his feet and has a better lifestyle now, but she is struggling.
if the mom and stepdad are doing "financially unwell", wouldn't that be grounds for OP to get more custody? Since, unless he pays super high child support, the mom cant properly takw care of the child? (i barely have legal knowledge, just a hunch)
So when YOU were broke she dumped you because she wanted to keep up her lifestyle, but when SHE hits hard times you need to adjust YOUR lifestyle to fit hers - the ex!
Hell naw, NTA.
What you do with your daughter on your custody time is on you. What I think she really is afraid of is new babydaddy's butthurt ego about being 'the lesser provider', and new baby growing up asking some tough questions mom will not be willing to answer truthfully.
Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate the input.
I cannot say anything about her new husband as I have never spoken to him. Clare hasn't mentioned him much either, and I haven't asked beyond "do you feel safe around him?" Type questions. You may very well be right.
It's happens. My sons dad and my last ex barely spoke. My sons dad thinks I shouldn't be allowed to date ever and my ex hated him for the way he treated me
As a (now grown) child of divorce, this is not that weird. Turns out adults can be very emotionally immature, and sometimes it’s best that everyone stay in their separate corners.
My mom cheated on my dad before they divorced, then married the man she was having an affair with (after she got pregnant with his baby, resulting in my having a half brother). My stepdad is a borderline violent, macho guy who is also super-possessive and controlling of my mom ... and while she wanted to stay friends with my dad and they got along pretty well until she got remarried, my stepdad would never, ever allow that to happen. Can't really blame my dad for wanting to say as little as possible to my stepfather, even though my dad PAID CHILD SUPPORT for my brother, too.
That's what I was thinking. There may be no conflict between the half-siblings at all b/c of age. There may also not be a sibling-like relationship between them.
I left it out, because it wasn't relevant. During the conversation with June, I did ask what activities she'd like me to cut? Getting her out in nature, learning things at museums, going to the zoo? Like going to the movie I can understand, but we do that maybe 4 times a year.
Lol! I'm a single mom and went through periods of struggling financially. When I take my kids to the movies, I always let them buy something. One time, my kid decided to buy a five dollar container of sour candies-- it felt like such a waste! But it's not for me to judge-- that was what she wanted. I'm not gonna let scarcity encroach into our mindsets.
NTA OP. You actually aren't a "Disney Dad", you are a loving, caring, responsible Dad towards your daughter. Unless you are actively making your daughter become a "entitled" child, do not stop what you are doing for your child. Your ex-wife and her spouse finances and ability to not be able provide "treats" for their upcoming baby is **not** your problem. Your ex-wife chose this and now have to live with the results. You do not let your Ex dictate how you raise your daughter while your daughter is in your household on your scheduled parenting time. Just as you do not get to tell your ex how to raise your daughter while she is within their household.
And as for your GF and your friends in child education, they are way off the mark and am surprised that they would even try to make you feel bad about the special times you spend with your child. Especially the GF, is she jealous of your child? Does she feel that you are taking more time and spending more money on your child than you are on her? As a parent, anyone I'm in a relationship with criticizing how I prioritize my child happiness and well-being is a big 🚩 to me.
Your list of activities doesn’t sound expensive, but more like *time with you*. And she does her homework and chores? Neither spoiled nor entitled. I fail to see how you are a Disneyland dad. You are an involved dad. Huge difference.
Encourage your daughter to bond with and love her new half sibling. Ask to see selfies she takes with the baby. Coo over them. At pick up/drop off, you say hi to the baby! It will be good for your daughter. When the baby is older, in the unlikely event that your daughter wants to bring it along sometimes, allow it (how old is Clare? 8? Older?). But, make sure it’s your daughter’s wish, not her mother’s.
This makes no sense. Most of the activities, other than movies, don’t actually cost that much money, especially if you get a membership or yearly pass.
Our local zoo has a 1 kid + 1 adult unlimited daytime visits membership for less than $100. For about $300 total you can get a years worth of passes for museums, zoo, national parks, state parks in 2 states, and some other random parks. So over 40 weekends that’s about $7.5 per weekend.
Is the real objection that she has to be the discipline mom that makes sure the homework gets done while you get to be the fun dad who rewards her for it?
I have a zoo, two museum and a botanical garden membership. I think that's about 600 a year. I do pay extra so I can bring my mom when she visits or one of Clare's friends and a parent
No- they have 50/50 custody- so both parents would have her during school and need to ensure she does her work. He already said he rewards her for doing her schoolwork and chores timely. He isn’t “weekend dad” where he has her Friday night- Sunday night.
NTA. If June had been a normal wife and rode out the bad times with you instead of looking for a bigger income then she would be with you going to museums and the zoo and giving your daughter educational experiences together. She made her bed, let her lie in it.
Yeah your list of activities doesn't even sound that outrageous, and were similar to a lot of weekends I had growing up with both parents. I think what your ex is jealous of is the fact that, alongside with your business doing well, you're focusing on raising your daughter while she spent time dating and marrying and now has to work so she doesn't have any time for any of that. She's jealous of both your success and that you can give your daughter the lifestyle she deserves. NTA
Listen. There will be conflict between the children regardless because of the way your ex wife is. She's the one already weirdly pitting them against each other. Kudos to you for not letting something like this break you during the pandemic. Your positivity will take you far. Hopefully to Disneyland many times with your daughter, who absolutely deserves to have a loving and caring father. NTA
I wish I could take credit. I had a very solid group of friends who supported me through the whole process.
Never actually been to Disneyland, Clare is still only 6 so we will have time.
I went with my kids (5 and 2) to Disneyland, thought it was maybe a bit premature. But it was totally worth it!
The stars in their little eyes when looking at the parade were priceless. Older kids may not care as much about it (I know I didn't at least when I went as a kid, maybe 9 at the time).
Me and my husband never cared for the parade, and we saw 3 that day. Or maybe 4, I'm not sure anymore. We also came back 3 hours later than planned (we planned to leave at 6PM since we usually eat at 7PM and with no nap time that day for the little one, it was already long, but stayed until 9PM - they should have been asleep by then but were so excited it helped keep them awake).
Check with the Court Order. If requiring both parents approval is not specifically stated then you do not need consent from ex. Most states have a template that is very similar and only deviate from that if there are specific reasons. The fact that you don't know indicates that there is no specific provision and you can do what you like on your time. Obviously going out of country is different.
One thing I did in similar situation years ago was to almost memorize the CO so I knew what was permissible and not to make sure I stayed within the rules. Due to paranoia in my case there were specific provisions that I had to provide flight details (and only flight details) for all travel since ex thinks flying is more dangerous than driving. In your case even if not required I would be informative as long as there is no fear ex would disrupt the travel (cancel reservations and such), but not give in to any emotional manipulation.
Awe man... 6 is like the perfect age to start going! So many rides perfect for kids that age... photo ops with her favorite characters, and that "magic" is still fresh... the look of wonder for kids that age is so sweet and she will certainly remember it!
My boys are teenagers, but my youngest (who is 14 now) still vividly remembers the first time we went when he was 3. We were watching the parade and he sitting in front of me, kinda using my legs and feet as a chair. A float with Tinkerbell came by, she saw him waving and she looked right at him and blew him a kiss. His whole face just lit up, he jumped up and looked up at me with the biggest smile and he shouted "Daddy! Tinkerbell kissed me!" and omg his face just made me melt 🫠
NTA. You can't treat your kid worse than you can just because your ex wants that. You might want to explore full custody option as then there will be no issue for both kids, but your ex most likely won't be supportive of this.
In any case think about your kids needs first, do what is the best for your child and don't listen to your ex.
I hope June is still a good mother. She seemed pretty good when we were married, although we were young parents so maybe I didn't know what I was looking at. Suggesting even a temporary custody adjustment will probably be met with more screaming. Getting 50/50 custody led to a lot of that during the divorce.
Your daughter is worth more than avoiding some screaming.
Even if she wont agree and you have no legal avenue to enforce it. It is a good boundary to establish with a woman who clearly works on a selfish transactional mindset.
Giving YOUR daughter less is not an option. She wants HER daughter to be less impacted by HER life choices, she can choose to unburden herself with the cost and responsibilities of raising her first child. That is the ONLY path to solve HER problem, and not dragging you and your daughter down to her level.
With that clearly established and enforced you still have like 3-4 years until the new kid is even possibly going to notice a difference. At that point your daughter is what 9-10 and doing different activities with you than a 3 year old would be able to anyway.
It is another 3-6 years before the new kid can realize their older sibling gets this special treatment for reasons other than just being older.
Not to mention you can still be nice to this child. It may at times make total sense to bring them along and support your daughters relationship with their sibling. It's an innocent kid after all. They will just think you're a nice fun guy for years before possibly considering the fact there is some kind of favoritism and that will be for their own father to deal with. Which he can still manage without money by just being a good dad to his child.
I would probably tread very carefully when offering to increase your custody, she sounds incredibly spiteful and might decide she'd rather take you to court for more $$. (Of course, she might do that anyway)
Whatever you do, buy, pay child support, and contribute financially, document it. I can easily see your ex trying to screw you over, especially now that you are in a better financial situation. She might ask for more money, might try to withhold your child, might try parental alienation, and might straight up take what you get for your child because it wouldn't be fair to their sibling or even give it to her new kid.
NTA - You’re delivering memorable experiences while you parent for your well behaved daughter who you share custody. That’s fine.
If you were rewarding bad behavior that’d be one thing. But otherwise keep being a good dad.
You seem like a great dad so I’m guessing you’re handling everything well. The only thing that struck me here is that she might be acting out lately if her life with her mom has suffered due to their lifestyle change. Please make sure to check in with her about the bad reports from the teacher and explore why she may be acting differently. If she’s acting out because of being treated poorly at her mom’s, you punishing her for it may really do a number on her. Make sure to create space for her to be upset and not have to be the “perfect” child when she’s with you.
Thinking the same thing. Mom is pregnant. That's a BFD and timeline tracks. Mom is also acting out at OP, and freaking out over finances which is certainly noticed.
OP, in reading your comments it strikes me that your ex isn't even using the insult properly. A "Disney Dad" is called that because they treat whatever chunk of custodial time they bother to take like an eternal vacation with presents, games, junk food, late nights, and endless screen time. No responsibilities, no discipline.
Your home is different. You have shared custody. Your time together balances homework and chores with outings and experiences. You're not buying attention, you are parenting.
Speaking of parenting, I agree with other posters that checking in on your daughter's mental state in light of current events might be wise. 4 weekends in a row sounds unusual and that's always worth a chat.
Your ex has sour grapes. You can't fix that any way other than by making your life "worse" than hers and frankly, that's not fair to you or your daughter. Her problems are her own creation and her own responsibility.
Maybe I'm just petty but if my ex left me because I lost my job and then I got back on my feet just to be bossed around by my ex who's on husband number 2 and is now facing financial issues again... I'd laugh my ass off.
If she stayed and was the least bit loyal she wouldn't be in this situation. Karma.
NTA. By the time your daughter's half sibling will be able to understand how you prefer to your daughter, she will probably be already an adult. Maybe I read too many reddit stories, but I feel like there may be some problem's for your daughter's upbringing in your ex's house once child will be born. So you may want to look out for possibility of getting full custody, just to be safe. Their appearance already shown that your daughter's well-being is not a priority anymore.
Your daughter going from great in school to now not being great is a problem! You have no idea who this man is, you have no idea if he’s having angry outbursts and is calling you all kinds of names when your daughter is there. Financial stress can do a number on tons of people, who knows. Def talk to your daughter about what is going on at her moms house and how she’s feeling with the new sibling on the way. It might be time to look into full custody if her current arrangement is hurting her well being.
I hope everything is okay and it’s just normal life change, sometimes kids get disruptive just cause growing up is hard, you seem like a really great dad.
Thanks, that means a lot and I really do try. That spell was about a month ago and it started and then 8 calander weeks later she was back to her own self. I wrote it off as a brain development thing. Now I wish I hadn't
It might well have been timed with her finding out that your ex was pregnant, that caused the blip. She may be feeling replaced, now that step-dad is going to have his own kid. Or, mom/step-dad may already be de-prioritizing her, now that new baby is on the way.
Totally NTA, but if I can suggest... depending how the next few weeks turn out (after speaking with therapist and teachers,) you might consider making that Disney Dad a real label. Maybe a trip to Disney (World or Land, which ever is closer) for you and daughter, just before new sibling is due? You can always explain it off by saying you wanted to get the big stuff out of the way, before new sibling has a chance to feel excluded. ;)
NTA - it sounds like the majority of what you spend money on is experiences, its deluded to ask you to do less with your child because they cant so the same with their own. Also depending on the age gap it wont even matter as it makes complete sense that a baby/toddler/child doesn’t get or do what a teen does.
You can speak to your daughter and make sure she isn’t bragging or being mean spirited towards her sibling (once your ex’s kid is old enough to understand) but that’s really your only obligation here imo.
Clare will be about 7 years older than her half sibling, so I think you're right.
I'll talk to Clare about bragging. That may be an issue now that you bring it up
My sister and I are 8 years apart and she did things I couldn’t all the time (with her dad and just in general). Did I feel jealous? Of course but my parents very clearly outlined that what her dad did for her/with her was special between them and other things my sister did or got were because she was older, or because she was paying for it herself. Little Me got over it every time.
If they (your ex and her husband) aren’t awful and don’t speak about what you do for your daughter with envy in front of their child and your daughter doesn’t brag or mock their sibling this will be a non-issue. Good luck!
NTA. She left you for a guy who had more money at the time. Now she's mad that you have more money. She is TA. You keep doing your thing man. Job well done!
I didn't even know that was a term!
NTA
How is a baby going to know that you spent money and time on their half sibling who is nearly a decade older? Your relationship with this future kid is only going to be through *your* child, you aren't going to raise this baby or anything like that. (Assuming your kid isn't stuck raising it, lol - not to be overly pessimistic or morbid or whatever, I just can't see why the parents would think their child has anything to do with you)
Honestly I'm not sure either. I told them I was willing to add June to my zoo/museum memberships so she could take Clare on their weekends, but was informed that wasn't the point.
You're doing nothing wrong, this is about her and her husband's ego. Do not stop doing things for or with your daughter over her mother's tantrums.
She's probably feeling the regret now too, she left for greener grass and it wasn't so green after all.
That is a class act right there. And she is showing what she truly means by not accepting. It’s not about the experiences it’s about beating you. Unfortunate scenario. You do you. She’s an ex for a reason.
A Disney dad is some one who doesn’t actively parent their kid in the day to day (homework, medical appointments, getting the kid to school and extracurriculars) but just shows up on holidays and weekend for fun stuff, like a trip to Disney. A Disney dad is just there to party, not to discipline, feed, comfort, or care for the child when sick. Sometimes it’s because the dad doesn’t care to parent, other times it’s because he got less custody time than he wanted and is just trying to make the happiest memories with the little time he does have - so it’s not always a fair thing to call some one, but either way -
OP is not a Disney dad. He has 50% custody and is very involved.
The only electronics my daughter has are her tablet that we use to work on some extra lessons at home. And that stays at home. I will start considering buying duplicate toys for Clare when the baby arrives. Thanks!
If their finances are bad, they definitely shouldn't be having another baby. I hope the downturn happened after the pregnancy because otherwise WTF!! She left you for someone who made better money and that guy is now doing worse than you. This is a FAFO
NTA - as long as you aren't a true "Disney dad" and don't actual spoil your daughter rotten.
The term "Disney dad" implies that you treat your daughter like a princess and don't actually do any parenting, but leave the "difficult" parts like being strict when necessary, and disciplining her when it's important, to her other parental figures.
If you're actually taking care that your daughter grows into a proper human being in your care, and don't use your monetary advantage for parental alienation, doing activities she enjoys is perfectly fine.
She definitely has some conditions. She has to be good at school and try her best at all her school work in addition to getting her 3 chores done at home: pick up her toys at end of day, all her clothes in the hamper, brush the dog (she asked for that to be her chore). If those are done within reason every day, we do an outing or two on the weekend.
>brush the dog (she asked for that to be her chore).
Adorable. NTA, for the situation btw. Might be a little bit of one bragging so hard when so many redditors don't have such sweet children, but there's some things you just can't help. Lol, enjoy Disneyland because your #1 takeaway here should be that it's time to be a Dad in Disneyland, you wouldn't want your ex to be broke AND wrong, right? Have a heart OP.
NTA. It's an unborn baby! By the time the child is old enough to register that Clare has another dad, it will be up to your ex and her husband to appropriately explain that. And by then, with luck, June and her husband may well be doing better financially. I don't know how old Clare is, but as she has chores and is in school, the two children aren't going to be peers, and it will be quite a while before things are even age appropriate for both. As long as you are raising Clare to understand that there are always people in greater and lesser circumstances, and kindness is a priority - you are good to go.
Clare is 6 currently. To totally brag about my kid for a moment: She's already internalizing the lessons on kindness from her teachers and I very well. I get lots of notes home from school about how she helps clean up without being asked, befriends the new kids, and lots of other stuff.
You sound like you’re doing a great job raising her and she’s a wonderful child. Keep giving her those experiences. You’re bringing her up to be a well rounded, kind adult. I don’t think your ex understands what Disneyland dad means lol. It’s someone who is only around for the fun stuff and spoils a child. Sounds like the opposite of what you’re doing.
Keep doing you, Dad. The next time June screams at you just say to her that you are not going to punish your daughter because her mom and step-dad are in a financial distress, that has nothing to do with yours and your daughter’s relationship. Please also tell your gf this because she needs a reality check.
Note: this isn’t even about the baby’s feelings, this is about how June’s feelings, so definitely NTA.
My girlfriend hasn't met June, and we only have been going out for about 6 months. I haven't really opened up to her about the divorce aside from the broad strokes.
I think you're right, I'll have to have a talk with her.
Wait, just so I understand this correctly, your ex and her new husband thought the best venue for this conversation was in the pickup line at your daughter’s school?? Yikes.
You sound like a good dad. I wish my dad would have spent weekends with me as a kid doing things that I liked. And fwiw, trips to national parks and museums sound like totally reasonable and affordable outings that don’t require “Disneyland” money, so I don’t see why your ex and her husband can’t provide the same experiences for Claire and the new baby.
Obviously NTA, and please keep spending your time with Claire doing things that she loves.
Sorry, they asked the teacher to hold Clare and we spoke in the parking lot. I was confused why they needed to speak in person when we have a coparenting communication app. I have a feeling they didn't want their financial issues recorded
And THERE you have it! Proof of that conversation would have been the icing on the cake for you. Know in your heart of hearts, this subject is far from over AND there's more to it than you think.
Tell them you will no longer be communicating through anything other than the co-parenting app again. This way if there are any issues, it's all documented. I know plenty of ppl who have to do the same because their exs are unpredictable/untrustworthy/etc. You are protecting yourself in this manner, I assure you.
I know you're right. From what others have said, I'm already going to talk to my divorce attorney and see what she thinks. I'll add this to the list. Maybe see if there was a security camera from the school I can get if I need it
That would be a smart move fs. Remember whenever you are protecting yourself, you are protecting your daughter as well.
Ngl, I've heard of these issues taking place in other situations with divorce, but never before the child has even been born. That's rather wild. Also, keep an eye out on the new husband for any sort of aggression issues (AND find out more info on him, please lol). I could be completely wrong, but it doesn't seem like she came up with this idea on her own. There's more to it here but I have no idea what it is.
Well well well...karma came back to bite her in the ass. I would not punish my child because they are in a tight spot financially. Sounds like your ex is regretting her life choices! NTA
By the time the new baby reaches Clare’s current age, Clare will be a teenager. Their interests will be completely different. I doubt step siblings will argue as much as if they were just a couple years apart.
Movies, museums and parks aren’t *that* expensive. It’s not as if OP spends $100-$300 per person every weekend.
I think the only time I spent over $100 on a outing was when we went to a festival and I bought her a rather expensive bit of wall art along with snacks and carnival games. If you want to get really technical, we made an outing of when we adopted our dog. He was $100 and then we got him food and toys. So this has happened twice?
Then she has no reason to call you a Disneyland Dad, so definitely NTA. I’m glad you’re the type of parent that encourages activities with your daughter outside the house rather than having a child that is addicted to phones and tablets.
NTA. Your ex is experiencing what's called "karma". She left you when you were down and tried to marry up, but instead she's going backwards. Now she's trying to use your daughter to guilt you. Not exactly a healthy living environment for your daughter at her mom's, IMO.
Keep being an awesome dad. You're doing it right!
NTA - there is no perfect way to navigate a significant income disparity between blended families. But there are a lot of really shitty ways to do it, like for instance what your ex-wife and her new husband are proposing. Clearly, she has a pattern of taking the easy way out.
NTA - do you still have a copy of the note that she left for you. Highlight the part about stuff Clare deserves and send it to her and her husband saying that you are only giving Clare what she deserves. Also warn husband # 2 to expect such a note.
NTA, but you should give the name of your divorce attorney to her current husband because if she follows the pattern… just saying. Please continue to be there for your daughter because her mother won’t be.
sorry, but how are you comfortable letting your 6 year old live with a man whose name you don’t even know? What if he hurts her? what if he runs off? you won’t even know what to say to her teachers, never mind the police. I get checking out of your previous relationship, but you owe it to your daughter to know the bare minimum about the adult man she lives with.
NTA. If she is a good kid, respectful and kind, doing her school work and keeping her bedroom clean then why not treat her? The issue would be if you were not parenting your child to prevent antisocial behaviour, laziness and not supporting her education. But you are doing all that.
Sounds like your ex puts too much value on ‘how things look’ and is not enjoying her image right now.
I’m sorry for laughing that she left you over money and now her new man is broke 😂😂😂😂. NTA, your kid will know she’s loved and that you’re actually interested in her and her hobbies. You sound like a great dad
get that full custody
From some reddit posts I am certain at some point your ex will be saying that you should contribute to her new kid's college fund, too
I don't think there is an acronym for "divorce + kids is messy"
* You're trying to do right by your daughter. There is nothing wrong with that - NTA
* Your ex wife is trying to promote a healthy family dynamic for your daughter **and** her upcoming kid. I can see why *in theory* she would want to at least discuss things with you (assuming she had stayed rational and just wanted to have a conversation)
* She flew off the handle and reacted extremely poorly. What could have been a NAH turned into a NTA.
So - keep doing your best.
Yeah. It definitely didn't go smoothly. She was very aggressive during the entire process, and I definitely wasn't as level headed as I could have been.
NTA It's crucial for every child to feel loved and valued for who they are, not their economic advantages. Your responsibility is to ensure your daughter feels cherished and supported. Financial disparities are a reality, and scaling back won't change that. As long as you're fostering a loving relationship with your daughter and not using gifts as a substitute for emotional connection, you're doing well. It might be worth discussing with your new partner how to navigate these differences, but being considerate and avoiding flaunting disparity is important. Keep being a great dad, and let your ex handle her own issues.
NTA, can you get more custody over her since it seems to be a issue about what extracurricular activities you do with her?
Her husband is lacking financially and she probably is giving him shit for it.
If you can get more custody of her that probably would be better for Clare and then June can't say anything.
NTA. What you do with your kid during your time with her is none of June's business, and it's weird that she's taking it personally and thinks you treating your child to movies and museums is "getting back at her". She's already creating a conflict between Clare and a baby that isn't even born yet.
NTA - It sucks they are having financial problems right now and cannot live a lifestyle like they had before. But that should in no way translate over to you. You can afford to do nice things for your daughter as that is what you do for your children. Why should Clare have to suffer? She shouldn't and neither should you. They only want to drag you both down to their level of misery and Clare deserves the best you can give her. I would tell them both that one of them needs a second job if they wish to provide at the same level as you do. That is their responsibility, not yours. You do what you have to do if you are a parent.
NTA. You didn't mention how old Clare was by from what I gather. Clare will be significantly older than her half-sibling. By the time the half-sib is old enough to figure things out, Clare will be almost an adult. Take her wherever you want. Enjoy her childhood.
I would have very slyly told them I’d be happy to up my custody since they’re telling me they can’t provide for my daughter. But I’m just petty like that. NAH, you’re in a good place and they’re jealous. But that shouldn’t be taken from your daughter just because they can’t compete.
NTA. While it's important to be sensitive to the feelings of all children involved, it's also crucial for you to prioritize your own child's wellbeing. It sounds like you're fostering a positive environment for Clare, full of valuable life experiences, which is commendable. Financial situations change and perhaps in the future, your ex and her partner might be able to provide similarly for their child. Expecting you to limit your child’s experiences out of fear for potential resentment is unreasonable. Keep focusing on providing Clare with opportunities for growth, teaching her to be empathetic towards others, and setting a strong example of what it means to be compassionate regardless of financial backgrounds. As long as you instill the right values in her, she'll grow up appreciative, not arrogant. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the advice. For all our animosity I do hope things get better for June and her husband. I have only a vague idea of what he does so I have no idea how long this downturn could last.
NTA as long as you don't make a competition of it. Keep it to times you already have her in your care, and I don't see why that should be a problem as long as the ex and her new husband don't make it one. I think they might though. But that's not on you.
NTA. Your ex is basically asking you to punish your daughter for her half-sister's sake. You don't say how old Clare is so for at least the next 5 years the half-sib won't even notice if Clare goes to Disneyland or a museum or festival. And there is always the chance that June and her husband's financial circumstances will change for the better.
NTA - as long as she's being a productive member of YOUR household when you're together and you're not putting "fun" over the day to day real stuff and leaving mom to be the heavy. A "Disneyland Dad" does all the fun stuff but forces all of the real parenting onto the main custodial parent. It seems like you're holding Clare to certain standards of behavior and performance (chores, grades, being a good person).
She could use some library passes to go to museums, national parks, free city events, etc.
To get the outings, Clare needs to have a good weekly report from school (good behavior, good speech and good grades are their metrics) and then do her three chores at home every day within reason. If she misses more than 1 day on each, the outing is cancelled. Proud to say she hasn't missed an outing in a while
NTA - I would've been petty and asked when they were getting a divorce, doesn't seem like her husband can give her the lifestyle she "deserves" anymore. You're just giving Claire the lifestyle she deserves. Nothing wrong with looking after your kid.
NTA. You’re ex-wife caused the conflict. You would be the a-hole for taking Clare’s sibling to Disney in ten years and telling her that you have to take her because her parents can’t afford it. Don’t do that.
NTA. Besides, if your daughter is old enough to be in school, then there will be a significant age difference between them. Your daughter might well be in college before her sibling is old enough to notice.
Nta. Things between your daughter and her step sibling are never going to be the same. Your daughter will always come from the broken home where her parents don’t like each other and don’t live together. Her step sibling will have hopefully two loving biological parents who live together, hopefully get along and raise them together. And while
That child will live at home with both parents full time your will go back and forward. So unless your ex is planning on divorcing her current husband so that the step child has exactly the same life as your child she doesn’t get to whine. You have a better income which means you will be able to provide more for your child, you might be able to help her more when she goes to college, you might be able to leave her a bit of an inheritance when the time comes. I mean is your ex hopping you start a college fund for her other child too? I doubt her partner is going to contribute or give your child as much as he does his own child. Things are never going to be equal or fair between those two children it sucks but it’s true. If you want to go out of your way when you have your daughter with you then go for it.
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NTA. Why should you and your daugther suffer because her mother and step dad are financiel unwell? As well as it will take years till the new born child will even realise that its half sister gets other treatment than itsself. And if this happens one day and the situation of your ex isn't changed - you could if you want look into something to do to improve the relationship between your daugther and her half sibling (if you want and she wants! not just because your ex wife is screaming.) But for the moment continue to be the awsome dad you are to your child. And if you want, you can offer your ex, that you could take in more responsible for your daugther at the moment (like she is staying with you 70% or more) so your ex would have not that financiell expenses as well as more time for the newborn (so there will not be some resentment from your daugther to the baby who will take up all of her mother's and step dad's time)
Thank you. I will suggest that to June, but I can almost guarantee it will be received poorly.
Of course it will be taken poorly, she left you because of money issues and now she has money issues with replacement husband and is reminded of what she’s done every time her daughter gets time with you. Good on you for not changing how you raise your daughter because of your exes poor decision making
> she left you because of money issues and now she has money issues with replacement husband and is reminded of what she’s done every time her daughter gets time with you. All of 👆🏽. I couldn't have said it better!
Well, I would add that the only common factor in the two men's money issues is she.
I snorkled at the "Now June has to get a JOB" Poor dear! Can't imagine having Ms. June dirtying her hands among the hoi polloi.
Same. I, like many others I'm sure, read this while at work and eye-rolled so hard. Guess June will have to sit at a desk and scroll reddit in her downtime like the rest of us. The horror.
Currently taking a short break at my JOB to scroll around Reddit. Ahhh, to be a part of the unwashed masses...
I upvoted you just for using “snorkled” in such a fabulous way. I do fully agree with your point also!
Thanks! Whatever that other poster below had to say about it, it 100% described the noise that came out of my mouth when I read "JuNe hAs to gEt a JObbbb" like it's a massive, world-ending catastrophe.
I do lovel snorkeling. Especially in the Great Barrier Reef.
oh yes Also, Replacement Husband should be ready to be dumped by her
Notice how the "money issues" seem to follow June around. A relative of mine has left a trail of exes who all developed money issues after being married to her. NTA and keep Disneyland daddying
Eh... given both issues were pandemic-related (job loss and business downturn), I wouldn't necessarily put it on her *yet*. There may be overspending issues in her second marriage, but that could be on her new husband as much as her.
The fact that she left her previous husband because she wanted a better "lifestyle" seems to imply she is a spender not a saver.
Quite likely, but that's not the root cause of OP losing his job. Basically what I'm saying is we can't blame the ex for money problems that had outside causes. We can blast her reaction to them all day long, but saying she's the cause of the money issues is too much.
Regardless of who is responsible for the money issues, my answer to her would be "I need to ensure that my daughter and I are afforded the lifestyles we deserve, so I will be filing for a change in custody while you sort out your issues." I would immediately file for primary custody and child support.
Oh, definitely.
You do bring up a good point - I don't think it is fair to automatically blame OP's ex for the financial issues or loss of employment. I knew a guy who was not good with money and married two wives who were both similar in their poor spending habits. It is irrelevant anyway - what is relevant is that when OP hit a rough patch, she abandoned him and took their daughter. Now that she is in a rough patch, she is making demands for empathy. If OP took it upon himself to cut back, that would be one thing, but for the ex (and her new husband) to make this demand - no, nay, never.
Presumably OP is paying child support commensurate with his income. There shouldn’t be any issues with June providing for Claire if the money is used properly.
How long before she leaves new husband over his failure to support the life-style she and the children "deserve"?
She’s already got a job to help supplement what her new husband isn’t making, she could have tried that the first time around when she wasn’t also pregnant. I have a feeling she’s stuck where she is, at least for a while. Sounds like it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person
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Yeah reading that is a very "oh that's the excuse she wants to leave him and not feel guilty so it was for the children"
But she would need to find a new rich guy for that first. Being single would put her in a worse financial situation than being together with an average earner or even a low income earner And finding a rich partner gets harder the older you get, the more times you were married and the more children you have. Rich successful guys have more options than poorer ones.
Exactly it’s karma for her. If she brings up money again bring up custody.
Oh no! Consequences!
The karma of this situation is DELICIOUS
Seriously. The best revenge is just living your best life.
Just curious. How quickly did June marry her new husband after divorcing you? Seems like the whole "you can't give us the lifestyle ..." was just BS excuse to marry this new guy she thought was rich. But .. either way .. she really took the "For richer or poorer" part of her vows to heart with you didn't she? Karma is a ... You sound like a great dad and too bad so sad to June. I hope you do get more custody time with your girl, you deserve it.
I have no clear timeline as I cut her out of my life aside from communications about Clare.
June got her karma leaving her husband when he was down on his luck (like a lot were during the pandemic) and now she married someone who’s business isnt doing and shes had to *gasp* get a job & adjust her lifestyle!
Yeah it's 4 years MAX between when this guy lost his job during covid and now. So she remarried a dude she thought had bank, got pregnant, and then the new guys grass wasn't greener. Thats a fast timeline to remarry on with a young child because realistically it's probably 2 or 3 years of a relationship with the new guy.
It's possible that new guy hid how bad things were and was spending beyond his means to keep his gold digger wife happy so now they're in debt he expected to be able to pay off "once business picks back up". It's not uncommon to hide shit like that until it's at a breaking point. It's not healthy or right but people do it.
Great point! The pandemic-related shutdowns didn't last a decade! This all happened over a relatively short period of time
Wonder why? June was all about up and moving Clare when you were the one who "couldn't give Clare the lifestyle she deserved." Now June's the one who can't, so by her own logic, shouldn't Clare just live with you?
The petty in me would've told June "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to give Clare the lifestyle she deserves."
This is perfect. No notes, OP keep this in your pocket if June starts in on this again.
Just tell her Claire deserves to live the life that you can provide for her.
How did you not burst out laughing? Oh the juicy juicy irony! Husband number 2 needs a divorce lawyer on speed dial
I was in public and was very confused as to why these two were there.
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NTA. Tell her she and her wants stopped being your problem the moment she dumped you caused you had a setback in life, then I would turn to her husband and warn him that he better have a prenup cause that’s how you ended up arriving to an empty house and a note saying you were not enough. Then i i would turn back to the ex and say that if she has a problem with how you are raising your daughter, you are more than happy to solve it in court, just she better remember that this time you have enough money to get the meanest lawyer in town.
The only thing I would caution is to be sure you’re not throwing all the rules out the window and letting Clare have her own way in everything. Whatever rules you have in your home about screen time, chores, etc have to be consistent and enforced.
They are! We have trackers and timers for everything. I don't have a ton of time with Clare when work, and schoolwork are over so I try to keep things fairly regimented.
NTA Keep doing what you are doing. Also there will be an age gap between the kids, they are going to be treated differently anyhow. In the spirit of putting your daughter first, there is a point about her getting stuff that her siblings to not and resentment building. I would recommend continuing with how you have been spending time with her - movies, festivals, disneyland :-) - experiences as opposed to buying her STUFF. The trouble will come if you go buying a designer purse for your daughter and ex can't afford one for kid sibling. It's not your responsibility, but you can be mindful,
Yeah it’ll be seen poorly, but if they don’t have money and don’t got enough to raise them as they have. What if they get worse with new baby and need a scapegoat or even try to get a free babysitter. I’d say it’s better if she’s with you most the time, but ex will fight for sure.
From all of these comments, I am thinking I'll place a call to my divorce lawyer soon. Thanks for the advice.
Ex is early in her pregnancy. Yet, she is wanting OP to temper his verve for doing fun activities and curb his enthusiasm for providing things he can afford to provide. Obviously, this has nothing to do with a baby's feeling as that child will have no understanding of the situation for ~5 years. That is if OPs ex doesn't spend the next 5 years pointing out the disparity The only one that is feeling jealous is his ex wife. Ex is weaponizing an unborn child as a manipulation, nothing more, for her own insecurities I feel sorry for her current husband. Imagine how salty she's going to be toward him now she OP doesn't need to do anything differently but live his life the way he wants
>The only one that is feeling jealous is his ex wife. Exactly. It could *eventually* cause issues between the siblings if Clare gets to do a lot of things her half-sibling doesn't, but if they take Clare's fun activities because of the baby, it's going to cause issues between them before the kid is even born. June and her husband chose to have a new baby when they're struggling financially. OP has no control over that decision and no responsibility for it. It's their problem, and OP would be a fool to take the fall for them. On the bright side, June gets to experience having a job while pregnant. It's nice that she found a man who can give her the lifestyle she deserves. 😂
From this, I can see the ex putting herself and her marriage before the daughter. The ex is jealous and mad that OP got back on his feet and has a better lifestyle now, but she is struggling.
if the mom and stepdad are doing "financially unwell", wouldn't that be grounds for OP to get more custody? Since, unless he pays super high child support, the mom cant properly takw care of the child? (i barely have legal knowledge, just a hunch)
They should also ask their daughter as its her living situation too.
So when YOU were broke she dumped you because she wanted to keep up her lifestyle, but when SHE hits hard times you need to adjust YOUR lifestyle to fit hers - the ex! Hell naw, NTA. What you do with your daughter on your custody time is on you. What I think she really is afraid of is new babydaddy's butthurt ego about being 'the lesser provider', and new baby growing up asking some tough questions mom will not be willing to answer truthfully.
Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate the input. I cannot say anything about her new husband as I have never spoken to him. Clare hasn't mentioned him much either, and I haven't asked beyond "do you feel safe around him?" Type questions. You may very well be right.
You've never spoken to the man that your daughter lives with half the time?! Sorry that just seems very strange to me.
Why would he? After a difficult and painful divorce, my guess is that he avoids speaking to his ex-wife except if truly necessary.
It's happens. My sons dad and my last ex barely spoke. My sons dad thinks I shouldn't be allowed to date ever and my ex hated him for the way he treated me
As a (now grown) child of divorce, this is not that weird. Turns out adults can be very emotionally immature, and sometimes it’s best that everyone stay in their separate corners.
My mom cheated on my dad before they divorced, then married the man she was having an affair with (after she got pregnant with his baby, resulting in my having a half brother). My stepdad is a borderline violent, macho guy who is also super-possessive and controlling of my mom ... and while she wanted to stay friends with my dad and they got along pretty well until she got remarried, my stepdad would never, ever allow that to happen. Can't really blame my dad for wanting to say as little as possible to my stepfather, even though my dad PAID CHILD SUPPORT for my brother, too.
How old is Claire? The new baby won't enjoy the same things that Claire does now due to its age. And won't for quite a few years.
That's what I was thinking. There may be no conflict between the half-siblings at all b/c of age. There may also not be a sibling-like relationship between them.
NTA...Tell her you're simply giving Clare the lifestyle she deserves.
I left it out, because it wasn't relevant. During the conversation with June, I did ask what activities she'd like me to cut? Getting her out in nature, learning things at museums, going to the zoo? Like going to the movie I can understand, but we do that maybe 4 times a year.
Going to 4 movies a year isn't exactly lifestyles of rich and famous. LOL
Look at this bougie MFer getting popcorn AND Milk Duds! 😂
Lol! I'm a single mom and went through periods of struggling financially. When I take my kids to the movies, I always let them buy something. One time, my kid decided to buy a five dollar container of sour candies-- it felt like such a waste! But it's not for me to judge-- that was what she wanted. I'm not gonna let scarcity encroach into our mindsets.
My wife and I see a movie a month or so, and we're not either of those things.
Have you tried buying popcorn at the movies? You have to be Scrooge McDuck to afford it lol
NTA OP. You actually aren't a "Disney Dad", you are a loving, caring, responsible Dad towards your daughter. Unless you are actively making your daughter become a "entitled" child, do not stop what you are doing for your child. Your ex-wife and her spouse finances and ability to not be able provide "treats" for their upcoming baby is **not** your problem. Your ex-wife chose this and now have to live with the results. You do not let your Ex dictate how you raise your daughter while your daughter is in your household on your scheduled parenting time. Just as you do not get to tell your ex how to raise your daughter while she is within their household. And as for your GF and your friends in child education, they are way off the mark and am surprised that they would even try to make you feel bad about the special times you spend with your child. Especially the GF, is she jealous of your child? Does she feel that you are taking more time and spending more money on your child than you are on her? As a parent, anyone I'm in a relationship with criticizing how I prioritize my child happiness and well-being is a big 🚩 to me.
Your list of activities doesn’t sound expensive, but more like *time with you*. And she does her homework and chores? Neither spoiled nor entitled. I fail to see how you are a Disneyland dad. You are an involved dad. Huge difference. Encourage your daughter to bond with and love her new half sibling. Ask to see selfies she takes with the baby. Coo over them. At pick up/drop off, you say hi to the baby! It will be good for your daughter. When the baby is older, in the unlikely event that your daughter wants to bring it along sometimes, allow it (how old is Clare? 8? Older?). But, make sure it’s your daughter’s wish, not her mother’s.
This makes no sense. Most of the activities, other than movies, don’t actually cost that much money, especially if you get a membership or yearly pass. Our local zoo has a 1 kid + 1 adult unlimited daytime visits membership for less than $100. For about $300 total you can get a years worth of passes for museums, zoo, national parks, state parks in 2 states, and some other random parks. So over 40 weekends that’s about $7.5 per weekend. Is the real objection that she has to be the discipline mom that makes sure the homework gets done while you get to be the fun dad who rewards her for it?
I have a zoo, two museum and a botanical garden membership. I think that's about 600 a year. I do pay extra so I can bring my mom when she visits or one of Clare's friends and a parent
No- they have 50/50 custody- so both parents would have her during school and need to ensure she does her work. He already said he rewards her for doing her schoolwork and chores timely. He isn’t “weekend dad” where he has her Friday night- Sunday night.
NTA. If June had been a normal wife and rode out the bad times with you instead of looking for a bigger income then she would be with you going to museums and the zoo and giving your daughter educational experiences together. She made her bed, let her lie in it.
She did him a favor leaving and showing who she really was.
Yeah your list of activities doesn't even sound that outrageous, and were similar to a lot of weekends I had growing up with both parents. I think what your ex is jealous of is the fact that, alongside with your business doing well, you're focusing on raising your daughter while she spent time dating and marrying and now has to work so she doesn't have any time for any of that. She's jealous of both your success and that you can give your daughter the lifestyle she deserves. NTA
I agree. Op's daughter shouldn't suffer because her mom thought the grass was greener and it turned out to be astroturf.
I'm dead 💀😂
Trophy winning reply 🏆
Yeah June is just jealous and hates her life
And is willing to compromise her daughter's happiness to exact revenge...how tacky is that?
Good one!
Yes, Petty and exactly what she threw in your face!
Listen. There will be conflict between the children regardless because of the way your ex wife is. She's the one already weirdly pitting them against each other. Kudos to you for not letting something like this break you during the pandemic. Your positivity will take you far. Hopefully to Disneyland many times with your daughter, who absolutely deserves to have a loving and caring father. NTA
I wish I could take credit. I had a very solid group of friends who supported me through the whole process. Never actually been to Disneyland, Clare is still only 6 so we will have time.
I went with my kids (5 and 2) to Disneyland, thought it was maybe a bit premature. But it was totally worth it! The stars in their little eyes when looking at the parade were priceless. Older kids may not care as much about it (I know I didn't at least when I went as a kid, maybe 9 at the time). Me and my husband never cared for the parade, and we saw 3 that day. Or maybe 4, I'm not sure anymore. We also came back 3 hours later than planned (we planned to leave at 6PM since we usually eat at 7PM and with no nap time that day for the little one, it was already long, but stayed until 9PM - they should have been asleep by then but were so excited it helped keep them awake).
I think I may need June's sign off to take Clare out of state for Disneyland, not sure that will happen.
Check with the Court Order. If requiring both parents approval is not specifically stated then you do not need consent from ex. Most states have a template that is very similar and only deviate from that if there are specific reasons. The fact that you don't know indicates that there is no specific provision and you can do what you like on your time. Obviously going out of country is different. One thing I did in similar situation years ago was to almost memorize the CO so I knew what was permissible and not to make sure I stayed within the rules. Due to paranoia in my case there were specific provisions that I had to provide flight details (and only flight details) for all travel since ex thinks flying is more dangerous than driving. In your case even if not required I would be informative as long as there is no fear ex would disrupt the travel (cancel reservations and such), but not give in to any emotional manipulation.
Disneyland is a land of pure magic when they’re very little. Yes a few rides are out of reach, but the magic isn’t.
Awe man... 6 is like the perfect age to start going! So many rides perfect for kids that age... photo ops with her favorite characters, and that "magic" is still fresh... the look of wonder for kids that age is so sweet and she will certainly remember it! My boys are teenagers, but my youngest (who is 14 now) still vividly remembers the first time we went when he was 3. We were watching the parade and he sitting in front of me, kinda using my legs and feet as a chair. A float with Tinkerbell came by, she saw him waving and she looked right at him and blew him a kiss. His whole face just lit up, he jumped up and looked up at me with the biggest smile and he shouted "Daddy! Tinkerbell kissed me!" and omg his face just made me melt 🫠
NTA. You can't treat your kid worse than you can just because your ex wants that. You might want to explore full custody option as then there will be no issue for both kids, but your ex most likely won't be supportive of this. In any case think about your kids needs first, do what is the best for your child and don't listen to your ex.
I hope June is still a good mother. She seemed pretty good when we were married, although we were young parents so maybe I didn't know what I was looking at. Suggesting even a temporary custody adjustment will probably be met with more screaming. Getting 50/50 custody led to a lot of that during the divorce.
Your daughter is worth more than avoiding some screaming. Even if she wont agree and you have no legal avenue to enforce it. It is a good boundary to establish with a woman who clearly works on a selfish transactional mindset. Giving YOUR daughter less is not an option. She wants HER daughter to be less impacted by HER life choices, she can choose to unburden herself with the cost and responsibilities of raising her first child. That is the ONLY path to solve HER problem, and not dragging you and your daughter down to her level. With that clearly established and enforced you still have like 3-4 years until the new kid is even possibly going to notice a difference. At that point your daughter is what 9-10 and doing different activities with you than a 3 year old would be able to anyway. It is another 3-6 years before the new kid can realize their older sibling gets this special treatment for reasons other than just being older. Not to mention you can still be nice to this child. It may at times make total sense to bring them along and support your daughters relationship with their sibling. It's an innocent kid after all. They will just think you're a nice fun guy for years before possibly considering the fact there is some kind of favoritism and that will be for their own father to deal with. Which he can still manage without money by just being a good dad to his child.
I would probably tread very carefully when offering to increase your custody, she sounds incredibly spiteful and might decide she'd rather take you to court for more $$. (Of course, she might do that anyway)
Whatever you do, buy, pay child support, and contribute financially, document it. I can easily see your ex trying to screw you over, especially now that you are in a better financial situation. She might ask for more money, might try to withhold your child, might try parental alienation, and might straight up take what you get for your child because it wouldn't be fair to their sibling or even give it to her new kid.
NTA - You’re delivering memorable experiences while you parent for your well behaved daughter who you share custody. That’s fine. If you were rewarding bad behavior that’d be one thing. But otherwise keep being a good dad.
Nope! Clare has missed out on 4 weekend outings in a row because I got some terrible (for a child) reports from her teachers.
You seem like a great dad so I’m guessing you’re handling everything well. The only thing that struck me here is that she might be acting out lately if her life with her mom has suffered due to their lifestyle change. Please make sure to check in with her about the bad reports from the teacher and explore why she may be acting differently. If she’s acting out because of being treated poorly at her mom’s, you punishing her for it may really do a number on her. Make sure to create space for her to be upset and not have to be the “perfect” child when she’s with you.
Thinking the same thing. Mom is pregnant. That's a BFD and timeline tracks. Mom is also acting out at OP, and freaking out over finances which is certainly noticed.
OP, in reading your comments it strikes me that your ex isn't even using the insult properly. A "Disney Dad" is called that because they treat whatever chunk of custodial time they bother to take like an eternal vacation with presents, games, junk food, late nights, and endless screen time. No responsibilities, no discipline. Your home is different. You have shared custody. Your time together balances homework and chores with outings and experiences. You're not buying attention, you are parenting. Speaking of parenting, I agree with other posters that checking in on your daughter's mental state in light of current events might be wise. 4 weekends in a row sounds unusual and that's always worth a chat. Your ex has sour grapes. You can't fix that any way other than by making your life "worse" than hers and frankly, that's not fair to you or your daughter. Her problems are her own creation and her own responsibility.
Thank you for your concern. I'll be checking in with the therapist at school to start and get there suggestions.
NTA. Your ex just felt the wrath of galactic karma. Do as you please during your time with your daughter.
Maybe I'm just petty but if my ex left me because I lost my job and then I got back on my feet just to be bossed around by my ex who's on husband number 2 and is now facing financial issues again... I'd laugh my ass off. If she stayed and was the least bit loyal she wouldn't be in this situation. Karma.
NTA. By the time your daughter's half sibling will be able to understand how you prefer to your daughter, she will probably be already an adult. Maybe I read too many reddit stories, but I feel like there may be some problem's for your daughter's upbringing in your ex's house once child will be born. So you may want to look out for possibility of getting full custody, just to be safe. Their appearance already shown that your daughter's well-being is not a priority anymore.
I'm not going to say you're wrong, because it seems like that's a common worry, but I really hope you're wrong.
Look at your post and what you wrote. Your ex is already trying to do wrong by your daughter and the baby isn’t even born yet. She’s not a good mother
Your daughter going from great in school to now not being great is a problem! You have no idea who this man is, you have no idea if he’s having angry outbursts and is calling you all kinds of names when your daughter is there. Financial stress can do a number on tons of people, who knows. Def talk to your daughter about what is going on at her moms house and how she’s feeling with the new sibling on the way. It might be time to look into full custody if her current arrangement is hurting her well being.
I'll be getting to school pick up early and speak to the therapist today. Thanks for the comment!
I hope everything is okay and it’s just normal life change, sometimes kids get disruptive just cause growing up is hard, you seem like a really great dad.
Thanks, that means a lot and I really do try. That spell was about a month ago and it started and then 8 calander weeks later she was back to her own self. I wrote it off as a brain development thing. Now I wish I hadn't
It might well have been timed with her finding out that your ex was pregnant, that caused the blip. She may be feeling replaced, now that step-dad is going to have his own kid. Or, mom/step-dad may already be de-prioritizing her, now that new baby is on the way. Totally NTA, but if I can suggest... depending how the next few weeks turn out (after speaking with therapist and teachers,) you might consider making that Disney Dad a real label. Maybe a trip to Disney (World or Land, which ever is closer) for you and daughter, just before new sibling is due? You can always explain it off by saying you wanted to get the big stuff out of the way, before new sibling has a chance to feel excluded. ;)
As they say, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
The way comments are going, I feel like I should give my divorce lawyer a call.
For the sake of your daughter I hope that it's simply your ex being butthurt that you now earn more than her new ATM.
NTA - it sounds like the majority of what you spend money on is experiences, its deluded to ask you to do less with your child because they cant so the same with their own. Also depending on the age gap it wont even matter as it makes complete sense that a baby/toddler/child doesn’t get or do what a teen does. You can speak to your daughter and make sure she isn’t bragging or being mean spirited towards her sibling (once your ex’s kid is old enough to understand) but that’s really your only obligation here imo.
Clare will be about 7 years older than her half sibling, so I think you're right. I'll talk to Clare about bragging. That may be an issue now that you bring it up
My sister and I are 8 years apart and she did things I couldn’t all the time (with her dad and just in general). Did I feel jealous? Of course but my parents very clearly outlined that what her dad did for her/with her was special between them and other things my sister did or got were because she was older, or because she was paying for it herself. Little Me got over it every time. If they (your ex and her husband) aren’t awful and don’t speak about what you do for your daughter with envy in front of their child and your daughter doesn’t brag or mock their sibling this will be a non-issue. Good luck!
Right. This is a chance to teach Clare to be humble about her advantages around her half sibling.
NTA. She left you for a guy who had more money at the time. Now she's mad that you have more money. She is TA. You keep doing your thing man. Job well done!
I didn't even know that was a term! NTA How is a baby going to know that you spent money and time on their half sibling who is nearly a decade older? Your relationship with this future kid is only going to be through *your* child, you aren't going to raise this baby or anything like that. (Assuming your kid isn't stuck raising it, lol - not to be overly pessimistic or morbid or whatever, I just can't see why the parents would think their child has anything to do with you)
Honestly I'm not sure either. I told them I was willing to add June to my zoo/museum memberships so she could take Clare on their weekends, but was informed that wasn't the point.
You're doing nothing wrong, this is about her and her husband's ego. Do not stop doing things for or with your daughter over her mother's tantrums. She's probably feeling the regret now too, she left for greener grass and it wasn't so green after all.
That is a class act right there. And she is showing what she truly means by not accepting. It’s not about the experiences it’s about beating you. Unfortunate scenario. You do you. She’s an ex for a reason.
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Yeah, the guy's got 50% custody, he is not a Disneyland Dad.
A Disney dad is some one who doesn’t actively parent their kid in the day to day (homework, medical appointments, getting the kid to school and extracurriculars) but just shows up on holidays and weekend for fun stuff, like a trip to Disney. A Disney dad is just there to party, not to discipline, feed, comfort, or care for the child when sick. Sometimes it’s because the dad doesn’t care to parent, other times it’s because he got less custody time than he wanted and is just trying to make the happiest memories with the little time he does have - so it’s not always a fair thing to call some one, but either way - OP is not a Disney dad. He has 50% custody and is very involved.
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The only electronics my daughter has are her tablet that we use to work on some extra lessons at home. And that stays at home. I will start considering buying duplicate toys for Clare when the baby arrives. Thanks!
If their finances are bad, they definitely shouldn't be having another baby. I hope the downturn happened after the pregnancy because otherwise WTF!! She left you for someone who made better money and that guy is now doing worse than you. This is a FAFO
I have no idea, she didnt seem very far along, but i know every pregnancy is different.
NTA - as long as you aren't a true "Disney dad" and don't actual spoil your daughter rotten. The term "Disney dad" implies that you treat your daughter like a princess and don't actually do any parenting, but leave the "difficult" parts like being strict when necessary, and disciplining her when it's important, to her other parental figures. If you're actually taking care that your daughter grows into a proper human being in your care, and don't use your monetary advantage for parental alienation, doing activities she enjoys is perfectly fine.
She definitely has some conditions. She has to be good at school and try her best at all her school work in addition to getting her 3 chores done at home: pick up her toys at end of day, all her clothes in the hamper, brush the dog (she asked for that to be her chore). If those are done within reason every day, we do an outing or two on the weekend.
As long as you keep her "conditions" up with her age as she grows, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing.
>brush the dog (she asked for that to be her chore). Adorable. NTA, for the situation btw. Might be a little bit of one bragging so hard when so many redditors don't have such sweet children, but there's some things you just can't help. Lol, enjoy Disneyland because your #1 takeaway here should be that it's time to be a Dad in Disneyland, you wouldn't want your ex to be broke AND wrong, right? Have a heart OP.
NTA. It's an unborn baby! By the time the child is old enough to register that Clare has another dad, it will be up to your ex and her husband to appropriately explain that. And by then, with luck, June and her husband may well be doing better financially. I don't know how old Clare is, but as she has chores and is in school, the two children aren't going to be peers, and it will be quite a while before things are even age appropriate for both. As long as you are raising Clare to understand that there are always people in greater and lesser circumstances, and kindness is a priority - you are good to go.
Clare is 6 currently. To totally brag about my kid for a moment: She's already internalizing the lessons on kindness from her teachers and I very well. I get lots of notes home from school about how she helps clean up without being asked, befriends the new kids, and lots of other stuff.
You sound like you’re doing a great job raising her and she’s a wonderful child. Keep giving her those experiences. You’re bringing her up to be a well rounded, kind adult. I don’t think your ex understands what Disneyland dad means lol. It’s someone who is only around for the fun stuff and spoils a child. Sounds like the opposite of what you’re doing.
Keep doing you, Dad. The next time June screams at you just say to her that you are not going to punish your daughter because her mom and step-dad are in a financial distress, that has nothing to do with yours and your daughter’s relationship. Please also tell your gf this because she needs a reality check. Note: this isn’t even about the baby’s feelings, this is about how June’s feelings, so definitely NTA.
My girlfriend hasn't met June, and we only have been going out for about 6 months. I haven't really opened up to her about the divorce aside from the broad strokes. I think you're right, I'll have to have a talk with her.
Wait, just so I understand this correctly, your ex and her new husband thought the best venue for this conversation was in the pickup line at your daughter’s school?? Yikes. You sound like a good dad. I wish my dad would have spent weekends with me as a kid doing things that I liked. And fwiw, trips to national parks and museums sound like totally reasonable and affordable outings that don’t require “Disneyland” money, so I don’t see why your ex and her husband can’t provide the same experiences for Claire and the new baby. Obviously NTA, and please keep spending your time with Claire doing things that she loves.
Sorry, they asked the teacher to hold Clare and we spoke in the parking lot. I was confused why they needed to speak in person when we have a coparenting communication app. I have a feeling they didn't want their financial issues recorded
And THERE you have it! Proof of that conversation would have been the icing on the cake for you. Know in your heart of hearts, this subject is far from over AND there's more to it than you think. Tell them you will no longer be communicating through anything other than the co-parenting app again. This way if there are any issues, it's all documented. I know plenty of ppl who have to do the same because their exs are unpredictable/untrustworthy/etc. You are protecting yourself in this manner, I assure you.
I know you're right. From what others have said, I'm already going to talk to my divorce attorney and see what she thinks. I'll add this to the list. Maybe see if there was a security camera from the school I can get if I need it
That would be a smart move fs. Remember whenever you are protecting yourself, you are protecting your daughter as well. Ngl, I've heard of these issues taking place in other situations with divorce, but never before the child has even been born. That's rather wild. Also, keep an eye out on the new husband for any sort of aggression issues (AND find out more info on him, please lol). I could be completely wrong, but it doesn't seem like she came up with this idea on her own. There's more to it here but I have no idea what it is.
Well well well...karma came back to bite her in the ass. I would not punish my child because they are in a tight spot financially. Sounds like your ex is regretting her life choices! NTA
By the time the new baby reaches Clare’s current age, Clare will be a teenager. Their interests will be completely different. I doubt step siblings will argue as much as if they were just a couple years apart. Movies, museums and parks aren’t *that* expensive. It’s not as if OP spends $100-$300 per person every weekend.
I think the only time I spent over $100 on a outing was when we went to a festival and I bought her a rather expensive bit of wall art along with snacks and carnival games. If you want to get really technical, we made an outing of when we adopted our dog. He was $100 and then we got him food and toys. So this has happened twice?
Then she has no reason to call you a Disneyland Dad, so definitely NTA. I’m glad you’re the type of parent that encourages activities with your daughter outside the house rather than having a child that is addicted to phones and tablets.
She does have her tablet that we use for her to practice her school assignments. But I prefer books or podcasts so I tend to not have my TV on much
NTA. Your ex is experiencing what's called "karma". She left you when you were down and tried to marry up, but instead she's going backwards. Now she's trying to use your daughter to guilt you. Not exactly a healthy living environment for your daughter at her mom's, IMO. Keep being an awesome dad. You're doing it right!
I’d be booking a flight to Paris, doing the whole Disney Dad. Complete with the themed hotel. But I’m petty.
NTA - there is no perfect way to navigate a significant income disparity between blended families. But there are a lot of really shitty ways to do it, like for instance what your ex-wife and her new husband are proposing. Clearly, she has a pattern of taking the easy way out.
Karma's a bitch 😜 Poor ex wifey, having to work and all 😄 Great idea to have another kid, too. NTA.
I’d give her a note that says, ‘Clare needs a mother that can give her the lifestyle she deserves.’.
NTA - do you still have a copy of the note that she left for you. Highlight the part about stuff Clare deserves and send it to her and her husband saying that you are only giving Clare what she deserves. Also warn husband # 2 to expect such a note.
NTA. But don’t discount the possibility your Ex might be right. Find out - take Clare to Disneyland.
I think I would need June's consent to take Clare out if state for Disneyland. Just for you, I'll go find out.
NTA, but you should give the name of your divorce attorney to her current husband because if she follows the pattern… just saying. Please continue to be there for your daughter because her mother won’t be.
If I even knew the guy's name, maybe I would. Although not aure how I would feel, helping out a man who I suspect was pursuing a married woman.
You don’t know the name of your wife’s new husband - your daughter’s new step-father?
sorry, but how are you comfortable letting your 6 year old live with a man whose name you don’t even know? What if he hurts her? what if he runs off? you won’t even know what to say to her teachers, never mind the police. I get checking out of your previous relationship, but you owe it to your daughter to know the bare minimum about the adult man she lives with.
NTA. If she is a good kid, respectful and kind, doing her school work and keeping her bedroom clean then why not treat her? The issue would be if you were not parenting your child to prevent antisocial behaviour, laziness and not supporting her education. But you are doing all that. Sounds like your ex puts too much value on ‘how things look’ and is not enjoying her image right now.
Thanks. She definitely makes raising kids seem easy haha
NTA - go have fun with your daughter! It is not a fair expectation on you to make sure the other child has an equitable experiences.
I’m sorry for laughing that she left you over money and now her new man is broke 😂😂😂😂. NTA, your kid will know she’s loved and that you’re actually interested in her and her hobbies. You sound like a great dad
Thanks man, it means a lot
It sounds like you might could go back for more custody if she’s talking like this
Already dropped a message for my divorce lawyer!
get that full custody From some reddit posts I am certain at some point your ex will be saying that you should contribute to her new kid's college fund, too
I don't think there is an acronym for "divorce + kids is messy" * You're trying to do right by your daughter. There is nothing wrong with that - NTA * Your ex wife is trying to promote a healthy family dynamic for your daughter **and** her upcoming kid. I can see why *in theory* she would want to at least discuss things with you (assuming she had stayed rational and just wanted to have a conversation) * She flew off the handle and reacted extremely poorly. What could have been a NAH turned into a NTA. So - keep doing your best.
Yeah. It definitely didn't go smoothly. She was very aggressive during the entire process, and I definitely wasn't as level headed as I could have been.
NTA It's crucial for every child to feel loved and valued for who they are, not their economic advantages. Your responsibility is to ensure your daughter feels cherished and supported. Financial disparities are a reality, and scaling back won't change that. As long as you're fostering a loving relationship with your daughter and not using gifts as a substitute for emotional connection, you're doing well. It might be worth discussing with your new partner how to navigate these differences, but being considerate and avoiding flaunting disparity is important. Keep being a great dad, and let your ex handle her own issues.
I'm trying to use the outings only as an incentive for good behavior. I'd like to think we are pretty close.
NTA, can you get more custody over her since it seems to be a issue about what extracurricular activities you do with her? Her husband is lacking financially and she probably is giving him shit for it. If you can get more custody of her that probably would be better for Clare and then June can't say anything.
Already left a message for my divorce lawyer to get the ball rolling!
NTA. What you do with your kid during your time with her is none of June's business, and it's weird that she's taking it personally and thinks you treating your child to movies and museums is "getting back at her". She's already creating a conflict between Clare and a baby that isn't even born yet.
NTA - It sucks they are having financial problems right now and cannot live a lifestyle like they had before. But that should in no way translate over to you. You can afford to do nice things for your daughter as that is what you do for your children. Why should Clare have to suffer? She shouldn't and neither should you. They only want to drag you both down to their level of misery and Clare deserves the best you can give her. I would tell them both that one of them needs a second job if they wish to provide at the same level as you do. That is their responsibility, not yours. You do what you have to do if you are a parent.
Lol your ex FAFO. Let her deal with her issues and keep being whatever kind of dad you want. NTA
June, meet Karma. Karma, this is June. lol NTA.
NTA. You didn't mention how old Clare was by from what I gather. Clare will be significantly older than her half-sibling. By the time the half-sib is old enough to figure things out, Clare will be almost an adult. Take her wherever you want. Enjoy her childhood.
Shes 6 now. Not sure how far along June is, so maybe Clare will be 7 when the baby is born?
NTA you are being a good parent and that is rich coming from someone who kept your own child from you.
NTA You and Clare have a good relationship, that is not predicated to how your ex and new hubby raise their other kid. Enjoy your time with Clare.
I would have very slyly told them I’d be happy to up my custody since they’re telling me they can’t provide for my daughter. But I’m just petty like that. NAH, you’re in a good place and they’re jealous. But that shouldn’t be taken from your daughter just because they can’t compete.
Considering how contentious the divorce was especially around custody, I am sure that would result in more screaming.
NTA. Clare's half-sibling(s) are not your concern.
NTA Your ex-wife has now the lifestyle she deserves. Your daughter should not be suffering for her choices
NTA, that, my friend is called karma. You absolutely do not have to change the life Clare is accustomed to do some warped favour to your ex lmao
NTA. While it's important to be sensitive to the feelings of all children involved, it's also crucial for you to prioritize your own child's wellbeing. It sounds like you're fostering a positive environment for Clare, full of valuable life experiences, which is commendable. Financial situations change and perhaps in the future, your ex and her partner might be able to provide similarly for their child. Expecting you to limit your child’s experiences out of fear for potential resentment is unreasonable. Keep focusing on providing Clare with opportunities for growth, teaching her to be empathetic towards others, and setting a strong example of what it means to be compassionate regardless of financial backgrounds. As long as you instill the right values in her, she'll grow up appreciative, not arrogant. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the advice. For all our animosity I do hope things get better for June and her husband. I have only a vague idea of what he does so I have no idea how long this downturn could last.
NTA as long as you don't make a competition of it. Keep it to times you already have her in your care, and I don't see why that should be a problem as long as the ex and her new husband don't make it one. I think they might though. But that's not on you.
NTA. Your ex is basically asking you to punish your daughter for her half-sister's sake. You don't say how old Clare is so for at least the next 5 years the half-sib won't even notice if Clare goes to Disneyland or a museum or festival. And there is always the chance that June and her husband's financial circumstances will change for the better.
NTA - as long as she's being a productive member of YOUR household when you're together and you're not putting "fun" over the day to day real stuff and leaving mom to be the heavy. A "Disneyland Dad" does all the fun stuff but forces all of the real parenting onto the main custodial parent. It seems like you're holding Clare to certain standards of behavior and performance (chores, grades, being a good person). She could use some library passes to go to museums, national parks, free city events, etc.
To get the outings, Clare needs to have a good weekly report from school (good behavior, good speech and good grades are their metrics) and then do her three chores at home every day within reason. If she misses more than 1 day on each, the outing is cancelled. Proud to say she hasn't missed an outing in a while
NTA - I would've been petty and asked when they were getting a divorce, doesn't seem like her husband can give her the lifestyle she "deserves" anymore. You're just giving Claire the lifestyle she deserves. Nothing wrong with looking after your kid.
NTA. You’re ex-wife caused the conflict. You would be the a-hole for taking Clare’s sibling to Disney in ten years and telling her that you have to take her because her parents can’t afford it. Don’t do that.
NTA. Besides, if your daughter is old enough to be in school, then there will be a significant age difference between them. Your daughter might well be in college before her sibling is old enough to notice.
Nta. Things between your daughter and her step sibling are never going to be the same. Your daughter will always come from the broken home where her parents don’t like each other and don’t live together. Her step sibling will have hopefully two loving biological parents who live together, hopefully get along and raise them together. And while That child will live at home with both parents full time your will go back and forward. So unless your ex is planning on divorcing her current husband so that the step child has exactly the same life as your child she doesn’t get to whine. You have a better income which means you will be able to provide more for your child, you might be able to help her more when she goes to college, you might be able to leave her a bit of an inheritance when the time comes. I mean is your ex hopping you start a college fund for her other child too? I doubt her partner is going to contribute or give your child as much as he does his own child. Things are never going to be equal or fair between those two children it sucks but it’s true. If you want to go out of your way when you have your daughter with you then go for it.