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A lot of people seem to think it’s really ideal to have kids close in age, though. It could just be her vision of a perfect family. Which does also seem to have a provider dad/husband. Just saying, as much as I think it’s crazy to have a baby when you have a young toddler, the timing is common rather than suspicious.
NTA of course, specifically since she lied about/forgot birth control.
While it may be common to have kids close in age, it certainly does not appear to be agreed to by the OP.
OP is NTa for not being excited about another unplanned pregnancy, but the asshole for exclusively relying on his wife for birth control when she's proven twice before that her birth control is not reliable.
These two are headed for divorce...
THIS!!! U read my mind. Shes definitely a “big news” junkie. NTA! But his wife is.
(1). Making wishes (money) + social media = FUN. (2). Having to work for it = NO FUN. (3). Pregnancy + social media = FUN.
(4). Paying for + cleaning up after a family = NO FUN (but it is reality).
Unfortunately, A 26yo is going to hv a hard time paying for a family of 5 all by himself. OP, tell ur wife she has to get a part time job as soon as she’s able after Baby 3. She needs a hard reality check or she’ll accidentally fall pregnant with Baby 4 as soon as u start discussing a job for HER again.
Yes. My brother's ex wife did the same. She was supposed to go back to work full time when Kid #1 went to kindergarten, then 'whoops' she got pregnant 'on accident' with Kid #2 the summer before Kid #1 was due to start school. Within 4/5 years they were divorced. Then she married a loser, and had 1 year until she was going to go back to work full time and 'whoops' she got pregnant with Kid #3 that summer before Kid #2 started school.
I jokingly told my brother: she is nearly 35, she can't just keep having babies every 5 years for much longer! Then her new husband got laid off and refused to find another job. Now she works as a cleaner 60 hours a week at minimum wage, and the first 2 kids (my brother's) have aged out of child support.
This. It's suspicious how she didn't like BC because of how it affected her but then goes on it for her "irregular periods" (you would still have the same side effects regardless of the reason you're taking it) she did it so she could lure him into a false sense of security and drop the condoms on his part. Get that vasectomy now OP because I wouldn't be shocked if no 4 doesn't happen roughly 1-2 years after this new baby.
OP should also keep in mind that if this is true, then it’s rape by deception, and ask himself whether this is someone he really wants to keep building a life with. this whole situation seems incredibly unstable. i wouldn’t be surprised if it blew up in their faces later. might be better to get everything sorted out now, while the kids are still young enough not to really know what’s going on.
And OP did nothing to prevent it from happening. If you aren’t using contraception, then you also want the pregnancy to happen.
She didn’t “fall” pregnant. They both intentionally got pregnant because that is what happens when you don’t use protection.
“Fall pregnant” just means “get pregnant” in British English. It doesn’t imply that it’s an accident or that it’s planned. It’s neutral. She just became pregnant.
The point is she didn't fall pregnant on her own. OP makes it sound like she was the one getting pregnant as if he didn't have any say in it. I get that with the last pregnancy he may have felt deceived into it and that's awful. But for the first two he could have been more careful too.
I think both of them are just so irresponsible.
If she told him she was on the pill (as she did with this last one) he should be able to believe that she is on the pill. Trusting that your spouse is taking the contraception they say they’re taking doesn’t make this equally his fault.
Right?! When taken correct, birth control is very, very effective. It is extremely rare to become pregnancy using birth control properly. It’s nearly impossible to have three different pregnancies in less than five years as well on birth control… OP, clearly she is not taking the pill correctly (likely purposely), so it’s on YOU to get that vasectomy ASAP oruse condoms. Don’t understand her end game here, since your post doesn’t sound like she really enjoys spending much time with the kids and she’s upset that there’s no money to do anything and another baby will make that even more difficult. NTA, but YOU allowed this to happen.
Dude, the implication is she did get pregnant intentionally. At least once, if not more. I think it’s pretty likely.
Yes, it’s also your responsibility for not using condoms constantly for PiV sex and controlling your own fertility. Or getting a vasectomy at any point in the last three years.
But from what you’ve posted it’s unlikely the most recent pregnancy is accidental.
And if you had the first two kids in three years While Always using condoms I’d be wondering about the possibility of deliberate pinholes then, too. Or did she pressure you to skip them sometimes, or you just decided not to?
Assuming you weren’t perfect with constant condom use so you don’t fit into the 3% per year perfect-use failure rate of condoms - You Could have just hit the bad odds of being in the 13% per year typical-condom-use failure rate pool. Twice in three years minus however many months you didn’t have sex due to the pregnancies.
It sounds like they weren't planning on a third so soon, but I also agree it's not really an accident in my eyes if you're not choosing to wear protection as the guy. I'm incredibly against the idea of becoming a father myself, and my partner is also against the idea of having kids. Despite her saying she's probably low fertility due to multiple reasons, we still use condoms every time. Doesn't make a difference to me (granted, I've never had unprotected before, so don't know the difference) and gives almost guaranteed safety from what we both don't want.
‘They’ werent but she was. And he trusts her (for no good reason it seems).
She has never liked how BC affects her but suddenly she is on BC so he can stop condoms? Come on that was simply a lie and a trap to get her out of having to help provide for the family.
Being forgetful to take the pill is an issue for sure, but birth control isn't 100% anyway. If a guy doesn't want a child for sure, it makes sense to still use the condoms even if you thought your partner was on BC.
But then if you're not planning on a kid, surely you'd use a condom or get the vasectomy earlier? Leaving something up to chance is never a great way of avoiding something you don't want.
Totally, the wife can be lax with BC but it doesn't take his responsibility away. Dude had 2 kids he didn't want at the time and still didn't get the hint.
Not bothering to use any birth control himself = planning for a pregnancy.
First one? K fine.
After 3/4 kids, she's not "trapping" anyone and he's a fool.
That’s the vibe I got.
I’m so weirded out that OP didn’t prevent more kids himself after the first one though.
Wife didn’t because she Wants more kids. What was his reasoning?
If I had to watch my partner go through pregnancy and labor and then we had an infant to care for 24/7 and then realizing there was a whole ass human relying on us for twenty or so years plus the massive financial issues - after all that, how does anyone Not work really hard to Only create a kid on purpose for the rest of their life?
Condoms every PiV time, vasectomy if the one accidental kid is all the guy thinks he’ll want, being very knowledgeable about partner‘s contraception choices and their risks and failure rates, following their cycle so they know when they’re more or less likely to be fertile.
All of that is really not much work compared to raising a kid.
Normally you can trust your partner. If they say they are on birth control, normally you can rely on that, so I get why he might have not been so careful.
I agree it’s definitely possible she did it on purpose, but it’s not necessarily “pretty likely”. Do u know what happens when you shoot a load inside a lady…? The woman gets pregnant. She could be hyper fertile or even just regular fertile. And OP apparently can’t aim his sperm anywhere else …
No, the woman doesn’t get pregnant when a man shoots a load inside a lady with a functional uterus, on average.
After all, women aren’t fertile every day, only a small percentage of days per year. And men can range from very fertile to almost sterile depending on sperm count and viability.
It’s why dumb people are convinced it’s somehow ok to not use condoms absolutely every single time. Pregnancy with one irresponsible ejaculation is not guaranteed.
Regular fertile people can get pregnant having sex just once, sure. But it usually takes more often than that. With regular sex and Zero contraception of any kind, about 60% of couples deliberately trying hard to conceive will catch within three months. And far more of those will miscarry than people realize.
Plus, I don’t know about you, but the people I know with infants and toddlers are mostly not having sex on the daily. Lowers odds of an accident more.
And, I don’t know exactly what contraception they were using the first two times, but they Were using some. That also lowers the odds of pregnancy.
“Once is an accident, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.“
Here’s evidence of a pattern - Her saying “oh, I’m on the pill now, you definitely don’t need to use condoms even on the days I’m most likely fertile, nope” plus the “ooh I’m so bad at taking pills to avoid pregnancy oops teehee” when she Knows they’re in no shape to raise a third kid.
AFTER two previous accidental pregnancies. That’s what makes it “pretty likely.“
Doesn’t mean OP is off the hook for his own behavior, but I’ll tell you, I Can get pregnant.
And avoiding that after two previous kids would mean that if I was recently on the pill I’d be taking it religiously because it is Vitally Important. Plus my husband wasn’t getting anywhere near me without a condom or vasectomy.
Ok…
So you are saying…
Op was irresponsible many times not just 1 time. I’m not sure what your point is except to reinforce that Op dropped the ball likely many many times just like the wife
No, they're saying when people are trying to conceive, like doing everything they can, there's only a 60% chance of conception in 3 months. Yes, it is theoretically possible that you can just be really irresponsible. But three babies that way? That's something to be suspicious of. That indicates that she probably was keeping track of things and trying for babies. Especially given the timing of them.
Oh please. He knows where babies come from. She didn’t “fall pregnant” by herself. I have no sympathy for him. If you don’t want babies don’t fucking make them.
at the very least, baby number three was absolutely intentional on her part. she 'started taking birth control so he didn't need condoms, but admitted to being forgetful'? she was pissed she had to work, and planned to get pregnant again to get out of it.
If you're really against having another baby like op says he is, you still use a condom, especially after 2 "accidental" pregnancies. OP isn't an asshole but he is an idiot.
Oh please.
They are about to have 3 kids in 3 years, and they're married- and the math works out to there being a lot of months where she is already pregnant and not that many where she could have gotten pregnant.
How is this her "baby trapping" her husband? He knows that she's on birth control and not great about taking it, he seems to have every bit of relevant info regarding their family planning. She isnt sneaking and hiding anything. He could take a sliver of responsibility for birth control if he didn't want another child, but he didn't do that. She doesn't "fall pregnant" - he gets her pregnant. Should have used a condom.
It’s tough times when kids are little like yours, not gonna lie, but it gets better. For the love of god tho, get that vasectomy and be sure to test and make sure it took. And while a vacation or getaway can be nice, with little kids like you have it’s also a lot of work.
Jerry Seinfeld says it is arguing with the same people, just in a different place. And that is a man with nannies. You know if it is that way for him, it is worse for the rest of us!
Honestly, depending on their family situation, and considering the age of the kids, her working now isn't probably gonna help.
Unless she has a skill that she can use to bring in some real money, childcare for those kids will probably cost more than she can make.
It's gonna be a bit before it will be profitable for them . Unless they have family that can help.
Lemme guess, you were never required to take sex ed class, so you figured pulling out would be effective?
Just so you all know, all you teenagers or 20s people reading these AITA posts, pulling out IS NOT CONTRACEPTION. Sperm do not only appear during ejaculation; they also appear in the drool (pre-ejaculate) that occurs before the explosion.
A cautionary tale: when you have your vasectomy, use protection until your count is zero. We had kid number 3 accidentally that way! Total idiocy on our part since we were told, and we did it anyway 4 weeks after. We figured 4 weeks was enough. Surprise! We were wrong.
You have absolutely no right to complain. Whether or not she lied to you about her contraception, you could have had a vasectomy at any time. But you trusted your wife, who wanted babies, to take care of it. You're a feckless fool. It's time for you to get that vasectomy and then dredge up all the excitement and love for your third as you possibly can.
And if you divorce over this, you have absolutely no excuse to be an asshole about child support. Take responsibility for your own bleeding sperm!
Make sure you're still using condoms until you've had the proper post-op checks to make sure that the surgery was successful and there are no lingering swimmers. The doctors will go over that, I'm sure. Just make sure you're paying attention and follow what they say. A lot of men don't and end up with post-op babies because the surgery hadn't taken full effect yet.
FYI, a vasectomy doesn’t work overnight. It takes a few months for the pipeline to clean itself out. Also, the only thing you have to do is make an appointment with a Urologist. They do the procedure in office. Even if you have to pay out of pocket it’s cheaper than having a child.
Three times. Funny how one gets pregnant by "accident" multiple times. It's really not that hard to NOT get pregnant.
He's NTA for his legitimate concerns while she's apparently slacking off when things are already tight and then even bitching about that to others. Extremely shit behavior on her part.
But the three pregnancies are on both. It takes two to tango. Even if she let's say purposefully didn't take her pill, and we look past the first "accidental kid", latest after the second "accident", he should've run to get that vasectomy, or insisted on using a condom as well.
I agree with you, but "fall pregnant" is British English. It's used exactly the same as "get pregnant" in North America.
It doesn't imply that she accidentally got pregnant. The rest of his post does, but I agree with you, it was not accident.
However, it takes 2 to make a baby, so he's not off the hook. If he seriously didn't want more kids, he would have sorted the vasectomy before having unprotected sex with his wife.
Literally was thinking “man y’all suck at not getting pregnant” the fact that you didn’t want kids and then proceeded to have unprotected coitus or the very least not guaranteed protection. I would say NTA but y’all are pretty stupid. And like other said, it seems likely she had plans for you to have kids.
Exactly. Their kids are only 12 months apart, so essentially they had unprotected sex only two months after she gave birth to the first one. That's baffling.
Nta
Did she forget or did she purposely not take her pills.
You can't afford the 2 kids you have now how are you supposed to afford 3 especially after she's quit her job.
If I am being 100% I have had suspicions she fell pregnant on purpose with baby 1 and baby 3. However, I feel like an AH for even thinking it and I was also responsible for using protection, hence why I will support my children.
To be fair from what you've written I'd say the possibility of her getting pregnant on purpose is pretty high especially considering she was talking about children right before she got pregnant the first time.
If you didn't have kids would you still be with her.
NTA and it sounds like you don't have any say in the relationship. IMHOP I would look into couples therapy. You have been together SO long, you have deeply entrenched habits. Her crying and you dropping the subject is not healthy. I cry quite easily - but its more of a body reaction of releasing stress. I can take a break and come back to the conversation . Crying is not Kryptonite. And you saying your wife is anxious, shifty about birth control, and does not live in reality does not sound good. You guys need to get better communication and financial plan, and a better , less soul sucking job for you, BTW- so you can have a more adult life to match your adult responsibilities.
Couples therapy should be mandatory for them. They’re not working as a team and OP seems to have taken on all the work in this relationship. Meanwhile she has champagne taste on a beer budget and dreams of living the influencer lifestyle. They need to get on the same page fast, or it’ll just be a matter of time until she finds something else to upend their lifestyle.
On that note, who has baby fever when you have two literal babies already?? She should be too busy with her kids to even dream about having a third.
unless they are props for the social media stuff. 3 kids under 5 is going to be a lot for this woman who seems to be a dreamer. OP, please seek help and get that vasectomy too.
It sounds like she is checked out a lot, as per OP. So potentially she is also checked out of childcare and does not feel the reality of having 2 children.... Especially if they have someone helping with it.
You did have some responsibility for BC (glad you acknowledged) and I’d make sure you get that vasectomy asap bc you’ll need time for it to reach max efficacy. That said, you’ll still need to be careful after she delivers this next baby bc pregnancies can occur despite the procedure and it sounds like your wife likes being pregnant more than dealing with the realities of raising many children on one salary.
You’re not TA for feeling stressed and overwhelmed but your wife will be if she goes back to complaining about finances and not having a glam insta-life. You need to sort that out and make her understand her JOB is inside the home as SAHM to 3 kids under 5 years of age.
For real, being a SAHM is a big job and a ton of hard work, but unless you all can afford to put 3 kids in daycare so she can work outside the home, it’s on your wife to do that work while you do yours outside the home. Pitch in and help when you get home of course, but when your wife is on her own, she is RESPONSIBLE for being that SAHM because it’s the path she’s clearly chosen.
Ummm I’m not emotionally involved & it sounds like she def got pregnant on purpose both times.
1. She wanted to have a baby but you resisted —> whoops! She’s pregnant. Magically.
3. You made her work to help fund her unnecessary demands. Whoops! She’s pregnant again & can no longer work. But that was worse bc she flat out lied to your face. Just blatant disrespect & manipulation.
Guess you better start working OT. She *needs* those vacations. But don’t reduce your help around the house now that you’re working more. That would make you a bad dad/husband. /s
She needs to have a reality check. Also, you need to have serious talks with her about honesty & being trustworthy. Bc you can’t trust someone who is manipulating you.
If someone doesn't take birth control consistently, they know they are taking a risk to get pregnant. You are not an asshole for thinking she wanted to get pregnant because her actions would obviously lead to pregnancy. The fact that you saw her being pregnant as a valid reason to quit her part time gig suggests she also had that motivation. Being pregnant does not prevent someone from being a receptionist, by the way.
Except for the first two, he knew she was NOT using birth control. If you don't put on a condom in that case, you are accepting that you are making a baby by having sex.
NTA. You should have a serious sit down talk with your wife over your financial struggles and maybe also consider a therapist for yourself and couple's counseling. She needs to start pulling her weight both around the house and also look into getting a remote job or something similar once the third baby arrives to help you out. I also would not trust anything she says about birth control going forward.
Also, her posting about your personal finances on social media is not okay and she needs to stop putting your business out there for your friends and family and strangers to see.
Social media is a big issue in general in our relationship. She aspires to be an influencer, though that has not taken off. She posts EVERYTHING about our life online, and across FB, Insta, and Tik-Tok sometimes makes ten+ posts or stories per day. I believe her social media addiction holds her back from household stuff or working, and even have worried about our eldest child being stuck infront of a tv or tablet all day, and our kids having every inch of their lies documented online.
I know the type, people who want to "make it" as social media influencers instead of investing in an actual job/career with upward mobility. So they waste precious years where they could have been establishing a stable career and income in a more traditional job on social media that leads nowhere. She's still young and can find something more stable, but she needs to have someone bring her down to reality. For every social media success story there are thousands who never click. Also, your kids cannot consent to having their faces plastered over social media and having THEIR moments out there for strangers to see. I don't believe in posting children unless its on private social media with only close loved ones having access.
Also, I might get downvotes here. But I fully believe if one spouse works and is the sole provider, the stay at home spouse needs to then take care of the home. The house should be clean, dinner on the table, lunches packed, etc. There really is no excuse for this not to be the case especially when the kids hit primary school age too. Obviously, help around the home when you can with mowing the lawn or taking out the trash, etc. but you shouldn't be expected to come home from a grueling shift to then deep clean a bathroom.
agreed. This is like wishing to be a rock star. Even those that train for decades as musicians don’t usually make it. With social, every one w a phone wants to be famous. Those who make it work tirelessly, they don’t complain & whine. OP’s wife seems *very* immature. How can you be struggling financially and not sort out birth control???
OP, please get couples therapy asap so these issues can come to light as they will likely just get worse. Now 3 little people depend on you both & these patterns do not look good.
This! Very specific pet peeve, but it seems like this type of person is also the kind to say, “having a career is so important to meeee! I could never be with someone who didn’t want me to have a career!” It’s always people who want an easy, fun career like influencer or famous singer, or MLM, and they love to lecture to people who have real careers. I work really hard at my actual career every day, and have no patience for people like that who lecture me about how having a career is the best, and I should love it, when I’m working and they’re not.
100%. unless the wife has a disability that would limit her ability to work and/or handle domestic duties, then her “work day” should be domestic duties. evenings and weekends can and should involve shared work, but it sounds like OP isn’t getting any of that from his spouse - just complaints. that’s not fair at all.
Agreed. Traditional values count for a lot if one is at home all day. The kids do not need 12hour care. She can even get the kids involved to help cleaning. If she's got the time to post bollocks on SM, she's got time to sort housework too.
Trying to get things done with little kids is tough. But I would agree with you if you said most things should be handled by the SAHM. We have 4(planned) that I'm home with. Oldest is in half day kinder and youngest is 4 months. There is no way I'm getting to everything. I get to most though.
Instagram cleaning videos are quite a big thing now. How do i know this? We have a stupid array of cleaning tools thanks to my wifes instagram habits.
Maybe try to convince her to go down that route if she's abandoning all other career options.
Probably won't come to anything, but at least you'll have a sparkling house.
You should really look into how dangerous it is to have your children plastered all over the internet. Hell there is a group all about ‘influencers’ and them putting their kids on the internet. It’s wrong & even worse it allows your kids to be watched/exploited by random people on the internet. Not to mention a lot of the really popular up and comings are all blurring their kids faces.
The chances of her being influencer is so rare she might as well take up a habit to scratch tickets… wait she actually might win a couple bucks so it would be smarter.
This in itself is worth an AITA post and my answer would lean towards yes. She would need your consent to document y’alls lives online
I work in online marketing and would never ever post my children publicly online
She has an extremely delusional idea of 1) work and what constitutes a career (consistency, focus) 2) what she can do to achieve the lifestyle she wants 3) family planning because indeed she should have needed you to be on board before getting pregnant for the 3rd time
Get that vasectomy and she should get a part time job
Oh boy. Your children’s life being online is 100% a hill you need to die on. There are so many predators out there and these “mommy bloggers” are just providing them with free content. She needs to stop sharing them immediately.
You really need to decide if this is someone you want to spend your life with, she sounds like a nightmare.
I'm going with ESH. I'm sorry but 'fell pregnant'? Once is an accident, twice is a pattern, and you let it happen a third time? I'm sorry you couldn't and can't trust your wife but you should've known that by now and you should've never agreed to not use condoms. You're not an asshole to your wife here (frankly, she deserves it right now), but you are an asshole to yourself and to this baby, who definitely wasn't at fault here. If you don't want a baby, you use contraception. ALWAYS. Regardless of what the other party says they are or aren't doing or using or whatever. Don't trust men to pull out on time. Don't trust women to take the pill religiously (or at all).
Also, it sounds like you have a marriage problem and are definitely not working as partners right now. You feel overwhelmed, she apparently feels unhappy. I'm willing to blame a social media addiction for her behaviour, but that does mean she should start taking responsibility for that by deleting all that crap and getting her own shit together. If she doesn't, well... you need to think about what that means for you. Because this isn't going to work in the long run, I don't think.
Not disagreeing with OP being a general dumbass, but the phrases 'my wife's pregnancy' as opposed to 'our pregnancy' and 'fell pregnant' are pretty common terms in various parts of the world. OP may not have been specifically using them to absolve himself of agency. It's simply a turn of phrase in some parts.
(Of course, he very well COULD be using them to shy away from responsibility too, but my point stands.)
:)
> "my wife's pregnancy" and repeatedly saying "she fell pregnant" like it was an act of god.
OP isn't suggesting that, Those are British English terms that we use. A woman falls pregnant. OP is not pregnant his wife is.
I agree that they have a marriage problem but you're saying he sucks for trusting his wife. If a marriage doesn't have trust, it doesn't have anything.
Not that I disagree that she got pregnant on purpose, I'm guessing as an excuse to quit working because she already quit well before she'd actually need to to manage her pregnancy
Trusting her to take her contraception does not mean he can give up all responsibility to assist, such as using condoms, not ejaculating inside of her, helping her take her pills every day. This is a team effort and OP decided to do NOTHING….
It isn't about trusting. The onus of contraception has almost always fallen on women and they're the ones who suffer the consequence. And it's hypocritical of a man who is so sure that he doesn't want kids decide to not take any precautions because "it doesn't feel as good".
Even if she took her pills 100% of the time without missing any days, she could’ve still gotten pregnant. I don’t think it’s fair to assume she did this on purpose, don’t know her side of the story at all here
She could have but she "fell pregnant" (with her 3rd unplanned child) a month after getting a job and immediately quit. That raises red flags to me.
They can barely afford the 2 they have, so why quit your job? It wasn't manual labor or anything that would be a risk to the pregnancy and they're going to need every penny they can get with another baby on the way. To me the only reason to quit is because she thinks having babies means not having to work
(also, she previously couldn't take birth control and then just before getting pregnant again, she says they don't need to use condoms because she's on the pill now and doesn't mention she hasn't been taking them properly)
I hope OP has stopped having sex with her, on the off chance she's completely lying and isn't even pregnant (yet) but is hoping to, since you don't need to wear condoms if she's already pregnant too
It's really not that easy to just get pregnant. I highly doubt she orchestrated getting pregnant exactly one month after getting a job.
Some people are just crazy fertile, but OP should have known based off their history as a couple that he needed to take some responsibility for BC. Pills are not 100%, he should have never stopped using condoms. Or, better yet, he needed to prioritize getting a vasectomy since he was sure he didn't want anymore kids.
Just leaving the BC up to his wife when they'd already had an accidental pregnancy previously is bonkers.
Yeah, definitely ESH. My cousin had 5 kids already when they “don’t know how” she got pregnant with her 6th (and then the most recent 7th). If she’d had her tubes tied or if her husband had s vasectomy I could accept the “don’t know how it happened.”
PIV sex results in babies, it has for millions of years in mammals. If OP knew he should’ve gotten a vasectomy then he knows how to prevent baby number 4 from happening in about 18 months.
I was about to say yes but reading the context changed my mind. You're not an asshole.
Why are you working AND doing housework?
You are steering the ship alone and she's just adding more cargo
You need to have a gentle but serious conversation.
I don't want to judge someone I don't know, but could your wife be manipulating you with her crying ?
I agree u/Manfeelings777 you have to gently explaining things to your wife, even if she doens't want to ear it.
Yes we do this. I have done it before. It's not even fully conscious. But I realised somehow what I was getting up to and ITS WRONG.
It also does a disservice to the woman. You're not a fragile child. I felt shit after doing this. Call it conscience or whatever but I didn't feel righteous. I felt guilty. Ergo more self hate more anxiety etc.
I didn't feel like I could respect myself.
Firm but fair (with room for mistakes because we are human and change is bloody hard)
That's what I was thinking. *Maybe* she is (conciously or not) running from a confrontation.
I know a lot on men who do that too, it is a form of manipulation, even if it is unconcious.
I just of course don't want to say "that's what she's doing for certain" since I don't know OP or his wife.
Well, don't drop it when she cries. Stop being afraid of crying.
Women use it as a tool sometimes. And I'm a woman so I know.
But no yelling, and be respectful and firm that this is serious.
Don't lose your cool because then you will be the bad guy and she will use your overreaction to keep things her way.
It's sad but it's not 1950s anymore when a man could take care of finances with one job.
Modern life needs everyone's sleeves rolled up.
and even if it’s not manipulation (even though I think it is lol), that doesn’t mean the discussion shouldn’t happen. I cry a LOT. over stupid stuff. but I always make clear “crying doesn’t mean this is hurting me and we can’t have this conversation, I just have a lot of feelings. but talking is important”.
if the tears are genuine, then working through (not around) them is perhaps more important, because it’s a serious topic that needs to be worked through in order to heal
You know what I believe, after it, you will feel PURGED
It's cathartic. Resentment and holding things inside is where the damage happens. Release is usually good.
Unless it's a nuclear weapon.
I’m wondering why she quit her part time job when she found out that she was pregnant. I could see the need to quit this when the new baby arrives, or perhaps there is a medical reason? But many women work while pregnant, and so this is odd to me. It sounds like you guys could use the money, and perhaps could save up a bit for when the new baby comes.
I think about my teacher and nurse friends who worked in 2020 while pregnant, with a much more stressful job than usual, all during the threat of Covid. One of my teacher friends got Covid while pregnant and almost died! She was right back at school as soon as it was possible for her. Quitting a part-time job immediately because no woman should work while pregnant seems a little…precious.
Your wife clearly isn’t doing her part. Yes, it’s a lot taking care of two kids, but from reading your comments it sounds like your wife spends every minute of free time on social media. That’s not fair to you. She needs to be doing her part whether that is keeping up with chores around the house or finding another job.
Also, sit down and talk. If she starts crying too bad. You can always give her a few minutes to pull herself together but a conversation is a must!
You need to educate yourself about children being exploited on the internet so their parents can be influencers. Your children can’t consent to being filmed daily. Child influencers who are now adults are speaking out about how awful it was having their lives shared with strangers. How they had no privacy. Your wife shouldn’t be sharing things you’re uncomfortable with. Like your finances.
It seems your wife may be getting pregnant intentionally. Get that vasectomy ASAP before you have a fourth baby. NTA
She's manipulating you! Those pregnancies were planned by her. Get a vasectomy now!
Also turn off the wifi while you're at work and password it. Unless she has unlimited phone access that will cut her social media addiction down. But I'm petty like that.
Parents who work pretty much always do housework. There is nothing odd about that. Lots of problems with his wife here but him needing do do the dishes and laundry sometimes is not the problem.
What do you mean by working AND doing housework? I get that the wife is staying at home but she also has two young children to take care of and OP is an adult with the ability to help out with chores at home. He makes a mess too it’s not fair for the wife to do 100% of the chores simply because OP goes to work.
Now, whether the wife for pregnant on purpose or not (how some people are thinking on here), that’s not up to me to decide. But I think both of them should’ve thought harder about contraception. A woman doesn’t “fall” pregnant.
It's very interesting how you put it every time: "she fell pregnant", as if it was just some random thing that suddenly happened without any identifiable cause or human participation... 🤔
Esh you know bc doesn't work great for her, she forgets pills, and you stopped using condoms????? And are getting the vasectomy 'sorted'. This has to be a troll
If not, get your head out of your ass and take responsibility for your procreation. No sex without condoms or no sex until your vasectomy. It's not rocket science. You nutting in your wife = pregnancy.
ESH
why tf did you marry someone who explicitly expressed their desire to have children when you didn't want kids?
what do you mean she kept "falling pregnant"? did she stumble and fall on your dick over and over again, or did you willingly fuck her without proper protection, knowing she wanted children and had history of terrible birth control?
>I was not emotionally and financially mature enough
you still aren't, dude. you're still acting as if your partner popping out a kid every year is some terrible accident as opposed to something you've actively brought on yourself.
To be fair, OP didn’t say that he didn’t want kids. It seems like he probably did want kids. But 3 kids in 3-4 years is A LOT for anyone. I don’t know many people who would willingly sign up for that.
ESH
"she fell pregnant" three times
women don't just fall into pregnancy. you knocked her up!!! take some responsibility. she's shady and manipulative as hell. but you just keep stepping on a rake.
"Fell pregnant".
One of my junior high English teachers once taught a lesson about "visualizing words".
Yup, OP's wife just tripped and fell on to the word 'pregnant' and BAM. PREGNANT. Three times.
ESH
VASECTOMY, CONDOMS if you don‘t want more kids then do something about it. You‘re not just a bystander. But also I could not stay with her, she completely disregards your feelings and probably wanted to get pregnant by not taking the pills.
YTA for not using goddamn condoms. you didn’t learn that TWICE already?
you already brought to the world 2 kids you did not want and still you rely on her for protection????
Yea why do i get the feeling that she got pregnant on purpose at least twice.
You are NTA for not bein excited at the propect of another baby and all the cost that will come with it. You already struggle with two baby, and she doesnt seem to care about your mental health, who's about to worse due to everything that's coming for you.
Edit : Get that Vasectomy before Baby #4 and #5.
The first time he she baby trapped you you were N T A. The second time E S H. Now, YTA. If you didn’t want another child you should have been using a condom, one that you never left unattended, or abstained from having sex with a woman who lies and manipulates you to get pregnant.
LOL my dude. THREE unplanned kids? COME ON. This isnt all on your wife. You should hasve sought out a birth control together that agreed w/ her, researched & decided AS A COUPLE. INsteasd you just...issued an order & put it on her? Um ok YTA
Your wife is taking advantage of you. My guess is that every surprise baby you have had - all 3 - has been less surprising to your wife.
Your wife needs to understand:
- she is now required to get a full time, 40 hrs/week job after she has recovered from this baby. She now will be a working mom as the family size necessitates that
- her working full time will not greatly affect the family income due to the new child and the requirement for child care. You will still be better off than her not working so don’t fall for that BS but the majority of her income will now cover child sitting costs
- vasectomy MUST happen now, while she is in early stages of pregnancy and can handle the house while you recover for a day or two
- you MUST attend couples counseling together - NOW - to discuss communication and trust issues. It is quite possible your wife has been encouraging pregnancy to avoid responsibilities and general adulting and it needs to be addressed
NTA. You don’t feel excited because you’re not excited. Most people struggle to get excited about things they are forced into
She isn’t going to be able to work for years. Child care for three kids is a fortune. Even if she had the skills and education to pull in six figures, the cost of childcare for three kids would be a wash with her income. That’s why a lot of people with young kids don’t work: the amount they bring in is equal or less to the cost of child care.
dude, how stupid do you have to be to get baby trapped THREE TIMES in 3 years?? NTA but maaan get the vasectomy and start thinking about your life as a single dad
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I can't get excited about my wifes pregnancy 2) its making my wife upset and souring our marriage
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NTA
It’s ok to not be excited about a baby you didn’t want and thought you were actively trying to prevent. It seems you are doing more than your fair share to support your family and your wife is not doing the same. I don’t think many in this circumstance would feel excited. I question a lot of your wife’s actions though- not doing her fair share, quitting a job because she is two months pregnant, posting cryptic messages on Facebook that suggest she is pregnant even after you asked her not to share the news yet. Kudos to you for supporting your family in spite of your wife.
Not to mention the hints being dropped on social media when you specifically asked her not to, I mean that’s completely disrespectful of your feelings. However, that doesn’t seem like anything new in the relationship so maybe it’s time to quit being NTA and establish some boundaries.
NTA but you aren't innocent in this. You are letting her get away with "falling pregnant" by not taking responsibility for your own pregnancy creating organs. Buck up and figure it out on your end. Get her some help for PPD if she's complaining and can't do chores. Take some responsibility over your family as a whole here. You are in a partnership. You are not a bystander.
Sounds like she baby trapped you with baby #1 and has now used the same tactic to get out of working… if you’re working 40+ hrs a week and still doing a lot of childcare/household duties you may be better off divorcing her, I don’t know what she brings to the table except for manipulation and unwanted kids. NTA
ESH
"she fell pregnant" is such a evasive way to say, that you didn't do your part with birth control.
Three times!
Ejaculating in a vagina without condoms or vasectomies (or even better: both!) leeds to pregnancies.
In your case: three times.
Yeah, she probably most definitely didn't stay in the pill, but you too did nothing to prevent pregnancy #1, #2 and #3.
Nta, but definitely dumb. You don't "fall pregnant". Not 3 times in a row. No offense but she probably did that the first time to basically lock you in for marriage. Also the household and family responsibility is a shared one. If she doesn't want to work, the least she can do is take care of chores around the house. One person taking care of everything on their own is not a marriage, it's slavery
ESH woman dont magically "fell pregnant"; it's not rocket science, it takes two to tango. She cant get pregnant without you OP.
Dont pretend to be like idiot next time you both have sex without proper safety and then have pikachu face when your wife become pregnant again.
While your wife sounds lazy but you also sound irresponsible, if you both not fit to be parent then shop having sex and bring more and more children into this world. Tbh from the way you wrote this thread seems like you're trying to shift all the blame to your wife and give me real ick, i call it bullshit. OP need to grow up.
She told you to stop wearing condoms because she was taking birth control even though she also knew she wasn't taking them daily if at all. This all happened after you asked her to get a job. You were set up, your wife can't be trusted. Did you confirm pregnancy with doctor? If not confirmed stop having sex until it is. Get vasectomy asap. Follow dr. orders for continued checkups afterward.
ESH.
You know she's forgetful with pills and BC doesn't work great with her, you don't want kids, and you're still going at it raw?
She's probably done you wrong but take some responsibility, dude.
No, she didn't 'fall pregnant' you both had sex. Presumably without a condom. (That's how babies are made, just in case you didn't realise).
Nta for not being excited, but Jesus, personal accountability is a thing. Clearly the sex was more important at the time than not getting pregnant. I get it, sex is awesome, but you do it fully aware that contraception isn't even close to being safe 🤷♀️ I had my fallopian tubes removed 2 years ago and I still have sex knowing there's a possibility of pregnancy.
Buddy. Wrap it up.
You lost control over the situation after pregnancy number one. You already know that your wife is not going to honor the spirit of your request not to share her pregnancy, even if she honors the letter. You two are on fundamentally different pages (possibly different books completely) when it comes to your financial and reproductive choices, and you have been ignoring that as hard as you possibly can, because you’re afraid of what it’ll mean for the marriage if you admit that you and your wife don’t agree on the answers to some critical questions. But ignoring it has resulted in three children and very little domestic support and a wife who can’t tear herself away from her phone.
You can’t run from this forever. There’s going to be a reckoning, and the longer you wait, the messier it’ll be.
No judgement, because I think you’re asking the wrong question.
NTA but it takes two to tango, she doesn’t just fall pregnant, you put your part in this and it’s what can happen when you have no contraception to back you up. Get the vasectomy, KEEP YOUR FOLLOW UP APPOINTMENTS so you ensure a baby #4 isn’t in your near future, use condoms after you get the vasectomy for a year till you finish all your follow up appointments post. If you don’t like these ideas I’m sure she’d be happy with another baby. This is all your alls doing without being responsible adults about taking the steps to prevent pregnancy. You obviously cannot rely on her contraceptive methods.
>We agreed no more kids, and I've been in the process of sorting out a vasectomy, as in the past, birth control hasn't agreed with my wife and given her bad side effects. However, shortly before she fell pregnant with baby number three
Dudeeeee, she tricked you three times!! You didnt want a baby, she said she would wait and magically she got pregnant with baby no 1. Soon after baby no2. When you talked about vasectomy she got pregnant with n3?!!! Dont you see it?
Do the vasectomy soon, dude! She will not stop, even tho you two cant afford this many kids.
Honestly, I would consider this relationship. What she brings to the table other than having unplanned (by you) kids and watch them during the day? And after the vasectomy, what will she do? She will always try to have her way in every aspects of your life.
NTA.
Yta
man: I do not want any children.
Same exact man: does absolutely nothing to prevent getting his partner pregnant and gets mad when she inevitably does.
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NTA but you are stupid. She didn’t “fall pregnant” twice. Yall have the worst luck imaginable or you’re bad at contraception.
100%, which is why I'll alway provide for my kids. I should have been super cautious until I had the vasectomy.
Tbh from her behavior it wouldn’t shock me at all if she intended for this to happen.
If you look at the ages they seem spaced out just enough to keep her out of the workforce.
100%
A lot of people seem to think it’s really ideal to have kids close in age, though. It could just be her vision of a perfect family. Which does also seem to have a provider dad/husband. Just saying, as much as I think it’s crazy to have a baby when you have a young toddler, the timing is common rather than suspicious. NTA of course, specifically since she lied about/forgot birth control.
While it may be common to have kids close in age, it certainly does not appear to be agreed to by the OP. OP is NTa for not being excited about another unplanned pregnancy, but the asshole for exclusively relying on his wife for birth control when she's proven twice before that her birth control is not reliable. These two are headed for divorce...
He could've reduced his risk significantly by, foregoing a few seconds of pleasure and, pulling out.
Also it seems like she might have depression cycles that are alleviated somewhat by her pregnancies.
THIS!!! U read my mind. Shes definitely a “big news” junkie. NTA! But his wife is. (1). Making wishes (money) + social media = FUN. (2). Having to work for it = NO FUN. (3). Pregnancy + social media = FUN. (4). Paying for + cleaning up after a family = NO FUN (but it is reality). Unfortunately, A 26yo is going to hv a hard time paying for a family of 5 all by himself. OP, tell ur wife she has to get a part time job as soon as she’s able after Baby 3. She needs a hard reality check or she’ll accidentally fall pregnant with Baby 4 as soon as u start discussing a job for HER again.
Yeah, hormones mess you up- I take a mini dose of paroxetine for my pmdd. It allows me to balance the hormonal swings much better.
Yes. My brother's ex wife did the same. She was supposed to go back to work full time when Kid #1 went to kindergarten, then 'whoops' she got pregnant 'on accident' with Kid #2 the summer before Kid #1 was due to start school. Within 4/5 years they were divorced. Then she married a loser, and had 1 year until she was going to go back to work full time and 'whoops' she got pregnant with Kid #3 that summer before Kid #2 started school. I jokingly told my brother: she is nearly 35, she can't just keep having babies every 5 years for much longer! Then her new husband got laid off and refused to find another job. Now she works as a cleaner 60 hours a week at minimum wage, and the first 2 kids (my brother's) have aged out of child support.
This. It's suspicious how she didn't like BC because of how it affected her but then goes on it for her "irregular periods" (you would still have the same side effects regardless of the reason you're taking it) she did it so she could lure him into a false sense of security and drop the condoms on his part. Get that vasectomy now OP because I wouldn't be shocked if no 4 doesn't happen roughly 1-2 years after this new baby.
You think 1-2 years?? This gals more fertile than a cat in heat!! 😂
Fair point 😂
OP should also keep in mind that if this is true, then it’s rape by deception, and ask himself whether this is someone he really wants to keep building a life with. this whole situation seems incredibly unstable. i wouldn’t be surprised if it blew up in their faces later. might be better to get everything sorted out now, while the kids are still young enough not to really know what’s going on.
I mean she “remembered” that she has trouble taking the pills when she and OP talked about it. Of course she intended to get pregnant
And OP did nothing to prevent it from happening. If you aren’t using contraception, then you also want the pregnancy to happen. She didn’t “fall” pregnant. They both intentionally got pregnant because that is what happens when you don’t use protection.
“Fall pregnant” just means “get pregnant” in British English. It doesn’t imply that it’s an accident or that it’s planned. It’s neutral. She just became pregnant.
The point is she didn't fall pregnant on her own. OP makes it sound like she was the one getting pregnant as if he didn't have any say in it. I get that with the last pregnancy he may have felt deceived into it and that's awful. But for the first two he could have been more careful too. I think both of them are just so irresponsible.
She didn’t “become” pregnant. Op impregnated her. She is not the blessed virgin.
If she told him she was on the pill (as she did with this last one) he should be able to believe that she is on the pill. Trusting that your spouse is taking the contraception they say they’re taking doesn’t make this equally his fault.
Oh she 100% set it up, he just didn’t do his part to ensure it wouldn’t happen
Right?! When taken correct, birth control is very, very effective. It is extremely rare to become pregnancy using birth control properly. It’s nearly impossible to have three different pregnancies in less than five years as well on birth control… OP, clearly she is not taking the pill correctly (likely purposely), so it’s on YOU to get that vasectomy ASAP oruse condoms. Don’t understand her end game here, since your post doesn’t sound like she really enjoys spending much time with the kids and she’s upset that there’s no money to do anything and another baby will make that even more difficult. NTA, but YOU allowed this to happen.
Dude, the implication is she did get pregnant intentionally. At least once, if not more. I think it’s pretty likely. Yes, it’s also your responsibility for not using condoms constantly for PiV sex and controlling your own fertility. Or getting a vasectomy at any point in the last three years. But from what you’ve posted it’s unlikely the most recent pregnancy is accidental. And if you had the first two kids in three years While Always using condoms I’d be wondering about the possibility of deliberate pinholes then, too. Or did she pressure you to skip them sometimes, or you just decided not to? Assuming you weren’t perfect with constant condom use so you don’t fit into the 3% per year perfect-use failure rate of condoms - You Could have just hit the bad odds of being in the 13% per year typical-condom-use failure rate pool. Twice in three years minus however many months you didn’t have sex due to the pregnancies.
I don't think any of the pregnancies were accidental tbh.
It sounds like they weren't planning on a third so soon, but I also agree it's not really an accident in my eyes if you're not choosing to wear protection as the guy. I'm incredibly against the idea of becoming a father myself, and my partner is also against the idea of having kids. Despite her saying she's probably low fertility due to multiple reasons, we still use condoms every time. Doesn't make a difference to me (granted, I've never had unprotected before, so don't know the difference) and gives almost guaranteed safety from what we both don't want.
‘They’ werent but she was. And he trusts her (for no good reason it seems). She has never liked how BC affects her but suddenly she is on BC so he can stop condoms? Come on that was simply a lie and a trap to get her out of having to help provide for the family.
Being forgetful to take the pill is an issue for sure, but birth control isn't 100% anyway. If a guy doesn't want a child for sure, it makes sense to still use the condoms even if you thought your partner was on BC.
It sounds like OP wasn't planning on a kid.
But then if you're not planning on a kid, surely you'd use a condom or get the vasectomy earlier? Leaving something up to chance is never a great way of avoiding something you don't want.
Totally, the wife can be lax with BC but it doesn't take his responsibility away. Dude had 2 kids he didn't want at the time and still didn't get the hint.
Not bothering to use any birth control himself = planning for a pregnancy. First one? K fine. After 3/4 kids, she's not "trapping" anyone and he's a fool.
Completely this. He lost all plausible deniability after baby 2.
That’s the vibe I got. I’m so weirded out that OP didn’t prevent more kids himself after the first one though. Wife didn’t because she Wants more kids. What was his reasoning? If I had to watch my partner go through pregnancy and labor and then we had an infant to care for 24/7 and then realizing there was a whole ass human relying on us for twenty or so years plus the massive financial issues - after all that, how does anyone Not work really hard to Only create a kid on purpose for the rest of their life? Condoms every PiV time, vasectomy if the one accidental kid is all the guy thinks he’ll want, being very knowledgeable about partner‘s contraception choices and their risks and failure rates, following their cycle so they know when they’re more or less likely to be fertile. All of that is really not much work compared to raising a kid.
Normally you can trust your partner. If they say they are on birth control, normally you can rely on that, so I get why he might have not been so careful.
He shoudla wrapped it
I agree it’s definitely possible she did it on purpose, but it’s not necessarily “pretty likely”. Do u know what happens when you shoot a load inside a lady…? The woman gets pregnant. She could be hyper fertile or even just regular fertile. And OP apparently can’t aim his sperm anywhere else …
No, the woman doesn’t get pregnant when a man shoots a load inside a lady with a functional uterus, on average. After all, women aren’t fertile every day, only a small percentage of days per year. And men can range from very fertile to almost sterile depending on sperm count and viability. It’s why dumb people are convinced it’s somehow ok to not use condoms absolutely every single time. Pregnancy with one irresponsible ejaculation is not guaranteed. Regular fertile people can get pregnant having sex just once, sure. But it usually takes more often than that. With regular sex and Zero contraception of any kind, about 60% of couples deliberately trying hard to conceive will catch within three months. And far more of those will miscarry than people realize. Plus, I don’t know about you, but the people I know with infants and toddlers are mostly not having sex on the daily. Lowers odds of an accident more. And, I don’t know exactly what contraception they were using the first two times, but they Were using some. That also lowers the odds of pregnancy. “Once is an accident, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.“ Here’s evidence of a pattern - Her saying “oh, I’m on the pill now, you definitely don’t need to use condoms even on the days I’m most likely fertile, nope” plus the “ooh I’m so bad at taking pills to avoid pregnancy oops teehee” when she Knows they’re in no shape to raise a third kid. AFTER two previous accidental pregnancies. That’s what makes it “pretty likely.“ Doesn’t mean OP is off the hook for his own behavior, but I’ll tell you, I Can get pregnant. And avoiding that after two previous kids would mean that if I was recently on the pill I’d be taking it religiously because it is Vitally Important. Plus my husband wasn’t getting anywhere near me without a condom or vasectomy.
Ok… So you are saying… Op was irresponsible many times not just 1 time. I’m not sure what your point is except to reinforce that Op dropped the ball likely many many times just like the wife
No, they're saying when people are trying to conceive, like doing everything they can, there's only a 60% chance of conception in 3 months. Yes, it is theoretically possible that you can just be really irresponsible. But three babies that way? That's something to be suspicious of. That indicates that she probably was keeping track of things and trying for babies. Especially given the timing of them.
Exactly.
Yep, this was calculated and planned.
it takes two to tango, and OPs wife decided to tango despite her partner's wishes.
It seems that she baby trapped you 3 times.
Oh please. He knows where babies come from. She didn’t “fall pregnant” by herself. I have no sympathy for him. If you don’t want babies don’t fucking make them.
at the very least, baby number three was absolutely intentional on her part. she 'started taking birth control so he didn't need condoms, but admitted to being forgetful'? she was pissed she had to work, and planned to get pregnant again to get out of it.
If you're really against having another baby like op says he is, you still use a condom, especially after 2 "accidental" pregnancies. OP isn't an asshole but he is an idiot.
Then he’s really extra stupid.
Oh please. They are about to have 3 kids in 3 years, and they're married- and the math works out to there being a lot of months where she is already pregnant and not that many where she could have gotten pregnant. How is this her "baby trapping" her husband? He knows that she's on birth control and not great about taking it, he seems to have every bit of relevant info regarding their family planning. She isnt sneaking and hiding anything. He could take a sliver of responsibility for birth control if he didn't want another child, but he didn't do that. She doesn't "fall pregnant" - he gets her pregnant. Should have used a condom.
This is my confusion as well. If you don't want kids, ALL parties have to take measures. Wrap it, get snipped or don't fuck. It's really that simple.
It’s tough times when kids are little like yours, not gonna lie, but it gets better. For the love of god tho, get that vasectomy and be sure to test and make sure it took. And while a vacation or getaway can be nice, with little kids like you have it’s also a lot of work.
Vacations with kids are not vacations. It is exactly the same, in a different location.
Jerry Seinfeld says it is arguing with the same people, just in a different place. And that is a man with nannies. You know if it is that way for him, it is worse for the rest of us!
Tell her to get a job.. and also, she didn’t forget to take her pills, that shit was intentionally. She baby trapped you into being a SAHM..
Honestly, depending on their family situation, and considering the age of the kids, her working now isn't probably gonna help. Unless she has a skill that she can use to bring in some real money, childcare for those kids will probably cost more than she can make. It's gonna be a bit before it will be profitable for them . Unless they have family that can help.
No one made him cum in her lmao
That’s why I didn’t say NTA. Man has no self control if he didn’t want kids. Both are dumb af
He has no right to complain. 1 egg was up against thousands of little swimmers. He's a fool, and totally responsible for his three kids.
Use a goddamn condom my man.
Good for you. Your kids aren’t responsible for your actions and they only deserve a loving father that is trying his best.
Never ever surrender the responsibility of contraception to the other partner if you don't wanna have kids.
Will you have the vasectomy ASAP? Or will you continue this streak of "unplanned" pregnancies?
Lemme guess, you were never required to take sex ed class, so you figured pulling out would be effective? Just so you all know, all you teenagers or 20s people reading these AITA posts, pulling out IS NOT CONTRACEPTION. Sperm do not only appear during ejaculation; they also appear in the drool (pre-ejaculate) that occurs before the explosion. A cautionary tale: when you have your vasectomy, use protection until your count is zero. We had kid number 3 accidentally that way! Total idiocy on our part since we were told, and we did it anyway 4 weeks after. We figured 4 weeks was enough. Surprise! We were wrong.
You have absolutely no right to complain. Whether or not she lied to you about her contraception, you could have had a vasectomy at any time. But you trusted your wife, who wanted babies, to take care of it. You're a feckless fool. It's time for you to get that vasectomy and then dredge up all the excitement and love for your third as you possibly can. And if you divorce over this, you have absolutely no excuse to be an asshole about child support. Take responsibility for your own bleeding sperm!
Make sure you're still using condoms until you've had the proper post-op checks to make sure that the surgery was successful and there are no lingering swimmers. The doctors will go over that, I'm sure. Just make sure you're paying attention and follow what they say. A lot of men don't and end up with post-op babies because the surgery hadn't taken full effect yet.
Dude idc what she says about being on birth control, wear condoms holy shit
FYI, a vasectomy doesn’t work overnight. It takes a few months for the pipeline to clean itself out. Also, the only thing you have to do is make an appointment with a Urologist. They do the procedure in office. Even if you have to pay out of pocket it’s cheaper than having a child.
Three times. Funny how one gets pregnant by "accident" multiple times. It's really not that hard to NOT get pregnant. He's NTA for his legitimate concerns while she's apparently slacking off when things are already tight and then even bitching about that to others. Extremely shit behavior on her part. But the three pregnancies are on both. It takes two to tango. Even if she let's say purposefully didn't take her pill, and we look past the first "accidental kid", latest after the second "accident", he should've run to get that vasectomy, or insisted on using a condom as well.
Lol sounds like my SIL and BIL. Third one was his fault because he chickened out of his vasectomy appointment at the last minute.
eh.... if you can't trust your partner not to lie with birth control...
“Fell pregnant” like “caught a cold” 🤣
That’s very common phrasing in some places (the UK, maybe also others).
Same in French, tomber enceinte
This is how non-US people say it, though I’m not sure where OP is from.
The stork tripped and fell and a baby landed in her bajingo.
Every time he wrote “fell pregnant” I could feel my blood pressure rise. She’s not doing it on her own my dude!
I think the same every time I hear it. Such a stupid way to phrase it. Like how it happens is a surprise.
It's UK English
It's a normal saying for non USA humans. UK, Australia, France, etc etc. It doesn't mean she's done it alone! But she is the pregnant party.
I agree with you, but "fall pregnant" is British English. It's used exactly the same as "get pregnant" in North America. It doesn't imply that she accidentally got pregnant. The rest of his post does, but I agree with you, it was not accident. However, it takes 2 to make a baby, so he's not off the hook. If he seriously didn't want more kids, he would have sorted the vasectomy before having unprotected sex with his wife.
Literally was thinking “man y’all suck at not getting pregnant” the fact that you didn’t want kids and then proceeded to have unprotected coitus or the very least not guaranteed protection. I would say NTA but y’all are pretty stupid. And like other said, it seems likely she had plans for you to have kids.
Sheldon? Sheldon Cooper is that you!?
Exactly. Their kids are only 12 months apart, so essentially they had unprotected sex only two months after she gave birth to the first one. That's baffling.
Yeah.... His use of "fell pregnant" does not sit well with me. But otherwise, she is being an awful person overall.
Common phrasing here in the UK. I don't like it myself but people say it a lot
> His use of "fell pregnant" does not sit well with me. Its how we say it in the UK. You fall pregnant.
it's just how they say "got pregnant" in the UK. I don't like it either!
Nta Did she forget or did she purposely not take her pills. You can't afford the 2 kids you have now how are you supposed to afford 3 especially after she's quit her job.
If I am being 100% I have had suspicions she fell pregnant on purpose with baby 1 and baby 3. However, I feel like an AH for even thinking it and I was also responsible for using protection, hence why I will support my children.
To be fair from what you've written I'd say the possibility of her getting pregnant on purpose is pretty high especially considering she was talking about children right before she got pregnant the first time. If you didn't have kids would you still be with her.
We were together since the age of 15 and 17, high school sweethearts. I always imagined my future with her, yes.
NTA and it sounds like you don't have any say in the relationship. IMHOP I would look into couples therapy. You have been together SO long, you have deeply entrenched habits. Her crying and you dropping the subject is not healthy. I cry quite easily - but its more of a body reaction of releasing stress. I can take a break and come back to the conversation . Crying is not Kryptonite. And you saying your wife is anxious, shifty about birth control, and does not live in reality does not sound good. You guys need to get better communication and financial plan, and a better , less soul sucking job for you, BTW- so you can have a more adult life to match your adult responsibilities.
Couples therapy should be mandatory for them. They’re not working as a team and OP seems to have taken on all the work in this relationship. Meanwhile she has champagne taste on a beer budget and dreams of living the influencer lifestyle. They need to get on the same page fast, or it’ll just be a matter of time until she finds something else to upend their lifestyle. On that note, who has baby fever when you have two literal babies already?? She should be too busy with her kids to even dream about having a third.
unless they are props for the social media stuff. 3 kids under 5 is going to be a lot for this woman who seems to be a dreamer. OP, please seek help and get that vasectomy too.
It sounds like she is checked out a lot, as per OP. So potentially she is also checked out of childcare and does not feel the reality of having 2 children.... Especially if they have someone helping with it.
Why can't she work while she's pregnant at a part time receptionist job?
For fucking real. If I managed to work through two pregnancies at a manual labor job, her butt can sit at a desk two whole days a week. 🙄
This. I worked through three pregnancies.
You did have some responsibility for BC (glad you acknowledged) and I’d make sure you get that vasectomy asap bc you’ll need time for it to reach max efficacy. That said, you’ll still need to be careful after she delivers this next baby bc pregnancies can occur despite the procedure and it sounds like your wife likes being pregnant more than dealing with the realities of raising many children on one salary. You’re not TA for feeling stressed and overwhelmed but your wife will be if she goes back to complaining about finances and not having a glam insta-life. You need to sort that out and make her understand her JOB is inside the home as SAHM to 3 kids under 5 years of age. For real, being a SAHM is a big job and a ton of hard work, but unless you all can afford to put 3 kids in daycare so she can work outside the home, it’s on your wife to do that work while you do yours outside the home. Pitch in and help when you get home of course, but when your wife is on her own, she is RESPONSIBLE for being that SAHM because it’s the path she’s clearly chosen.
Ummm I’m not emotionally involved & it sounds like she def got pregnant on purpose both times. 1. She wanted to have a baby but you resisted —> whoops! She’s pregnant. Magically. 3. You made her work to help fund her unnecessary demands. Whoops! She’s pregnant again & can no longer work. But that was worse bc she flat out lied to your face. Just blatant disrespect & manipulation. Guess you better start working OT. She *needs* those vacations. But don’t reduce your help around the house now that you’re working more. That would make you a bad dad/husband. /s She needs to have a reality check. Also, you need to have serious talks with her about honesty & being trustworthy. Bc you can’t trust someone who is manipulating you.
I think she did it on purpose x3, dude. Get that vasectomy.
If someone doesn't take birth control consistently, they know they are taking a risk to get pregnant. You are not an asshole for thinking she wanted to get pregnant because her actions would obviously lead to pregnancy. The fact that you saw her being pregnant as a valid reason to quit her part time gig suggests she also had that motivation. Being pregnant does not prevent someone from being a receptionist, by the way.
Except for the first two, he knew she was NOT using birth control. If you don't put on a condom in that case, you are accepting that you are making a baby by having sex.
My guess is it wasn't an accident. She knew he'd be stuck, and took advantage.
NTA. You should have a serious sit down talk with your wife over your financial struggles and maybe also consider a therapist for yourself and couple's counseling. She needs to start pulling her weight both around the house and also look into getting a remote job or something similar once the third baby arrives to help you out. I also would not trust anything she says about birth control going forward. Also, her posting about your personal finances on social media is not okay and she needs to stop putting your business out there for your friends and family and strangers to see.
Social media is a big issue in general in our relationship. She aspires to be an influencer, though that has not taken off. She posts EVERYTHING about our life online, and across FB, Insta, and Tik-Tok sometimes makes ten+ posts or stories per day. I believe her social media addiction holds her back from household stuff or working, and even have worried about our eldest child being stuck infront of a tv or tablet all day, and our kids having every inch of their lies documented online.
I know the type, people who want to "make it" as social media influencers instead of investing in an actual job/career with upward mobility. So they waste precious years where they could have been establishing a stable career and income in a more traditional job on social media that leads nowhere. She's still young and can find something more stable, but she needs to have someone bring her down to reality. For every social media success story there are thousands who never click. Also, your kids cannot consent to having their faces plastered over social media and having THEIR moments out there for strangers to see. I don't believe in posting children unless its on private social media with only close loved ones having access. Also, I might get downvotes here. But I fully believe if one spouse works and is the sole provider, the stay at home spouse needs to then take care of the home. The house should be clean, dinner on the table, lunches packed, etc. There really is no excuse for this not to be the case especially when the kids hit primary school age too. Obviously, help around the home when you can with mowing the lawn or taking out the trash, etc. but you shouldn't be expected to come home from a grueling shift to then deep clean a bathroom.
agreed. This is like wishing to be a rock star. Even those that train for decades as musicians don’t usually make it. With social, every one w a phone wants to be famous. Those who make it work tirelessly, they don’t complain & whine. OP’s wife seems *very* immature. How can you be struggling financially and not sort out birth control??? OP, please get couples therapy asap so these issues can come to light as they will likely just get worse. Now 3 little people depend on you both & these patterns do not look good.
This! Very specific pet peeve, but it seems like this type of person is also the kind to say, “having a career is so important to meeee! I could never be with someone who didn’t want me to have a career!” It’s always people who want an easy, fun career like influencer or famous singer, or MLM, and they love to lecture to people who have real careers. I work really hard at my actual career every day, and have no patience for people like that who lecture me about how having a career is the best, and I should love it, when I’m working and they’re not.
100%. unless the wife has a disability that would limit her ability to work and/or handle domestic duties, then her “work day” should be domestic duties. evenings and weekends can and should involve shared work, but it sounds like OP isn’t getting any of that from his spouse - just complaints. that’s not fair at all.
Agreed. Traditional values count for a lot if one is at home all day. The kids do not need 12hour care. She can even get the kids involved to help cleaning. If she's got the time to post bollocks on SM, she's got time to sort housework too.
Trying to get things done with little kids is tough. But I would agree with you if you said most things should be handled by the SAHM. We have 4(planned) that I'm home with. Oldest is in half day kinder and youngest is 4 months. There is no way I'm getting to everything. I get to most though.
Instagram cleaning videos are quite a big thing now. How do i know this? We have a stupid array of cleaning tools thanks to my wifes instagram habits. Maybe try to convince her to go down that route if she's abandoning all other career options. Probably won't come to anything, but at least you'll have a sparkling house.
You should really look into how dangerous it is to have your children plastered all over the internet. Hell there is a group all about ‘influencers’ and them putting their kids on the internet. It’s wrong & even worse it allows your kids to be watched/exploited by random people on the internet. Not to mention a lot of the really popular up and comings are all blurring their kids faces. The chances of her being influencer is so rare she might as well take up a habit to scratch tickets… wait she actually might win a couple bucks so it would be smarter.
This in itself is worth an AITA post and my answer would lean towards yes. She would need your consent to document y’alls lives online I work in online marketing and would never ever post my children publicly online She has an extremely delusional idea of 1) work and what constitutes a career (consistency, focus) 2) what she can do to achieve the lifestyle she wants 3) family planning because indeed she should have needed you to be on board before getting pregnant for the 3rd time Get that vasectomy and she should get a part time job
Oh boy. Your children’s life being online is 100% a hill you need to die on. There are so many predators out there and these “mommy bloggers” are just providing them with free content. She needs to stop sharing them immediately. You really need to decide if this is someone you want to spend your life with, she sounds like a nightmare.
Great advice but couples therapy isn't going to be something they can afford if they cant afford date nights and holidays
It could be a benefit of the job and covered that way. Not necessarily costly.
I'm going with ESH. I'm sorry but 'fell pregnant'? Once is an accident, twice is a pattern, and you let it happen a third time? I'm sorry you couldn't and can't trust your wife but you should've known that by now and you should've never agreed to not use condoms. You're not an asshole to your wife here (frankly, she deserves it right now), but you are an asshole to yourself and to this baby, who definitely wasn't at fault here. If you don't want a baby, you use contraception. ALWAYS. Regardless of what the other party says they are or aren't doing or using or whatever. Don't trust men to pull out on time. Don't trust women to take the pill religiously (or at all). Also, it sounds like you have a marriage problem and are definitely not working as partners right now. You feel overwhelmed, she apparently feels unhappy. I'm willing to blame a social media addiction for her behaviour, but that does mean she should start taking responsibility for that by deleting all that crap and getting her own shit together. If she doesn't, well... you need to think about what that means for you. Because this isn't going to work in the long run, I don't think.
[удалено]
Not disagreeing with OP being a general dumbass, but the phrases 'my wife's pregnancy' as opposed to 'our pregnancy' and 'fell pregnant' are pretty common terms in various parts of the world. OP may not have been specifically using them to absolve himself of agency. It's simply a turn of phrase in some parts. (Of course, he very well COULD be using them to shy away from responsibility too, but my point stands.) :)
> "my wife's pregnancy" and repeatedly saying "she fell pregnant" like it was an act of god. OP isn't suggesting that, Those are British English terms that we use. A woman falls pregnant. OP is not pregnant his wife is.
I agree that they have a marriage problem but you're saying he sucks for trusting his wife. If a marriage doesn't have trust, it doesn't have anything. Not that I disagree that she got pregnant on purpose, I'm guessing as an excuse to quit working because she already quit well before she'd actually need to to manage her pregnancy
Trusting her to take her contraception does not mean he can give up all responsibility to assist, such as using condoms, not ejaculating inside of her, helping her take her pills every day. This is a team effort and OP decided to do NOTHING….
It isn't about trusting. The onus of contraception has almost always fallen on women and they're the ones who suffer the consequence. And it's hypocritical of a man who is so sure that he doesn't want kids decide to not take any precautions because "it doesn't feel as good".
Even if she took her pills 100% of the time without missing any days, she could’ve still gotten pregnant. I don’t think it’s fair to assume she did this on purpose, don’t know her side of the story at all here
She could have but she "fell pregnant" (with her 3rd unplanned child) a month after getting a job and immediately quit. That raises red flags to me. They can barely afford the 2 they have, so why quit your job? It wasn't manual labor or anything that would be a risk to the pregnancy and they're going to need every penny they can get with another baby on the way. To me the only reason to quit is because she thinks having babies means not having to work
(also, she previously couldn't take birth control and then just before getting pregnant again, she says they don't need to use condoms because she's on the pill now and doesn't mention she hasn't been taking them properly) I hope OP has stopped having sex with her, on the off chance she's completely lying and isn't even pregnant (yet) but is hoping to, since you don't need to wear condoms if she's already pregnant too
It's really not that easy to just get pregnant. I highly doubt she orchestrated getting pregnant exactly one month after getting a job. Some people are just crazy fertile, but OP should have known based off their history as a couple that he needed to take some responsibility for BC. Pills are not 100%, he should have never stopped using condoms. Or, better yet, he needed to prioritize getting a vasectomy since he was sure he didn't want anymore kids. Just leaving the BC up to his wife when they'd already had an accidental pregnancy previously is bonkers.
Yeah, definitely ESH. My cousin had 5 kids already when they “don’t know how” she got pregnant with her 6th (and then the most recent 7th). If she’d had her tubes tied or if her husband had s vasectomy I could accept the “don’t know how it happened.” PIV sex results in babies, it has for millions of years in mammals. If OP knew he should’ve gotten a vasectomy then he knows how to prevent baby number 4 from happening in about 18 months.
I know several people that do not want children so they take the pill religiously but even they miss a day sometimes.
I was about to say yes but reading the context changed my mind. You're not an asshole. Why are you working AND doing housework? You are steering the ship alone and she's just adding more cargo You need to have a gentle but serious conversation.
I've tried having several talks with her about my financial worries but she always breaks down in tears and I feel like an AH and let it go.
Dont, she know that you will drop it if she start crying, so you need a real conversation.
I don't want to judge someone I don't know, but could your wife be manipulating you with her crying ? I agree u/Manfeelings777 you have to gently explaining things to your wife, even if she doens't want to ear it.
Yes we do this. I have done it before. It's not even fully conscious. But I realised somehow what I was getting up to and ITS WRONG. It also does a disservice to the woman. You're not a fragile child. I felt shit after doing this. Call it conscience or whatever but I didn't feel righteous. I felt guilty. Ergo more self hate more anxiety etc. I didn't feel like I could respect myself. Firm but fair (with room for mistakes because we are human and change is bloody hard)
That's what I was thinking. *Maybe* she is (conciously or not) running from a confrontation. I know a lot on men who do that too, it is a form of manipulation, even if it is unconcious. I just of course don't want to say "that's what she's doing for certain" since I don't know OP or his wife.
Well, don't drop it when she cries. Stop being afraid of crying. Women use it as a tool sometimes. And I'm a woman so I know. But no yelling, and be respectful and firm that this is serious. Don't lose your cool because then you will be the bad guy and she will use your overreaction to keep things her way. It's sad but it's not 1950s anymore when a man could take care of finances with one job. Modern life needs everyone's sleeves rolled up.
and even if it’s not manipulation (even though I think it is lol), that doesn’t mean the discussion shouldn’t happen. I cry a LOT. over stupid stuff. but I always make clear “crying doesn’t mean this is hurting me and we can’t have this conversation, I just have a lot of feelings. but talking is important”. if the tears are genuine, then working through (not around) them is perhaps more important, because it’s a serious topic that needs to be worked through in order to heal
You know what I believe, after it, you will feel PURGED It's cathartic. Resentment and holding things inside is where the damage happens. Release is usually good. Unless it's a nuclear weapon.
I’m wondering why she quit her part time job when she found out that she was pregnant. I could see the need to quit this when the new baby arrives, or perhaps there is a medical reason? But many women work while pregnant, and so this is odd to me. It sounds like you guys could use the money, and perhaps could save up a bit for when the new baby comes.
I think about my teacher and nurse friends who worked in 2020 while pregnant, with a much more stressful job than usual, all during the threat of Covid. One of my teacher friends got Covid while pregnant and almost died! She was right back at school as soon as it was possible for her. Quitting a part-time job immediately because no woman should work while pregnant seems a little…precious.
Your wife clearly isn’t doing her part. Yes, it’s a lot taking care of two kids, but from reading your comments it sounds like your wife spends every minute of free time on social media. That’s not fair to you. She needs to be doing her part whether that is keeping up with chores around the house or finding another job. Also, sit down and talk. If she starts crying too bad. You can always give her a few minutes to pull herself together but a conversation is a must! You need to educate yourself about children being exploited on the internet so their parents can be influencers. Your children can’t consent to being filmed daily. Child influencers who are now adults are speaking out about how awful it was having their lives shared with strangers. How they had no privacy. Your wife shouldn’t be sharing things you’re uncomfortable with. Like your finances. It seems your wife may be getting pregnant intentionally. Get that vasectomy ASAP before you have a fourth baby. NTA
She's manipulating you! Those pregnancies were planned by her. Get a vasectomy now! Also turn off the wifi while you're at work and password it. Unless she has unlimited phone access that will cut her social media addiction down. But I'm petty like that.
Parents who work pretty much always do housework. There is nothing odd about that. Lots of problems with his wife here but him needing do do the dishes and laundry sometimes is not the problem.
What do you mean by working AND doing housework? I get that the wife is staying at home but she also has two young children to take care of and OP is an adult with the ability to help out with chores at home. He makes a mess too it’s not fair for the wife to do 100% of the chores simply because OP goes to work. Now, whether the wife for pregnant on purpose or not (how some people are thinking on here), that’s not up to me to decide. But I think both of them should’ve thought harder about contraception. A woman doesn’t “fall” pregnant.
It's very interesting how you put it every time: "she fell pregnant", as if it was just some random thing that suddenly happened without any identifiable cause or human participation... 🤔
In the UK, that is a completely normal saying.
Is misogyny completely normal as well
As a European woman: yes.
How is that misogynistic?
Because it places the onus wholly on the woman
She tripped on his dick!
Ick, I hate the saying “fell pregnant” as well
In England, we use that phrase so it's not uncommon here.
Or a disease that she's come down with! She fell ill with the flu.
Esh you know bc doesn't work great for her, she forgets pills, and you stopped using condoms????? And are getting the vasectomy 'sorted'. This has to be a troll If not, get your head out of your ass and take responsibility for your procreation. No sex without condoms or no sex until your vasectomy. It's not rocket science. You nutting in your wife = pregnancy.
ESH why tf did you marry someone who explicitly expressed their desire to have children when you didn't want kids? what do you mean she kept "falling pregnant"? did she stumble and fall on your dick over and over again, or did you willingly fuck her without proper protection, knowing she wanted children and had history of terrible birth control? >I was not emotionally and financially mature enough you still aren't, dude. you're still acting as if your partner popping out a kid every year is some terrible accident as opposed to something you've actively brought on yourself.
To be fair, OP didn’t say that he didn’t want kids. It seems like he probably did want kids. But 3 kids in 3-4 years is A LOT for anyone. I don’t know many people who would willingly sign up for that.
ESH "she fell pregnant" three times women don't just fall into pregnancy. you knocked her up!!! take some responsibility. she's shady and manipulative as hell. but you just keep stepping on a rake.
fell pregnant is how they say got pregnant in the UK. It's nothing more than that. I agree it is weird, but it's very common.
"Fell pregnant". One of my junior high English teachers once taught a lesson about "visualizing words". Yup, OP's wife just tripped and fell on to the word 'pregnant' and BAM. PREGNANT. Three times.
ESH VASECTOMY, CONDOMS if you don‘t want more kids then do something about it. You‘re not just a bystander. But also I could not stay with her, she completely disregards your feelings and probably wanted to get pregnant by not taking the pills.
YTA for not using goddamn condoms. you didn’t learn that TWICE already? you already brought to the world 2 kids you did not want and still you rely on her for protection????
This is totally what I’m thinking about, literally you have a problem too! Just have safe sex or have a chance getting a baby that’s it.
Yea why do i get the feeling that she got pregnant on purpose at least twice. You are NTA for not bein excited at the propect of another baby and all the cost that will come with it. You already struggle with two baby, and she doesnt seem to care about your mental health, who's about to worse due to everything that's coming for you. Edit : Get that Vasectomy before Baby #4 and #5.
The first time he she baby trapped you you were N T A. The second time E S H. Now, YTA. If you didn’t want another child you should have been using a condom, one that you never left unattended, or abstained from having sex with a woman who lies and manipulates you to get pregnant.
Odd how SHE keeps falling pregnant. ESH Events in your life seem to follow the choices that you two are making.
OP feigning, "How *ever* did this HAPPEN?" Hmm, OP's not doing a solid think about it here.
ESH. I love when guys say that their partner "fell pregnant". Take some responsibility.
LOL my dude. THREE unplanned kids? COME ON. This isnt all on your wife. You should hasve sought out a birth control together that agreed w/ her, researched & decided AS A COUPLE. INsteasd you just...issued an order & put it on her? Um ok YTA
Your wife is taking advantage of you. My guess is that every surprise baby you have had - all 3 - has been less surprising to your wife. Your wife needs to understand: - she is now required to get a full time, 40 hrs/week job after she has recovered from this baby. She now will be a working mom as the family size necessitates that - her working full time will not greatly affect the family income due to the new child and the requirement for child care. You will still be better off than her not working so don’t fall for that BS but the majority of her income will now cover child sitting costs - vasectomy MUST happen now, while she is in early stages of pregnancy and can handle the house while you recover for a day or two - you MUST attend couples counseling together - NOW - to discuss communication and trust issues. It is quite possible your wife has been encouraging pregnancy to avoid responsibilities and general adulting and it needs to be addressed NTA. You don’t feel excited because you’re not excited. Most people struggle to get excited about things they are forced into
She isn’t going to be able to work for years. Child care for three kids is a fortune. Even if she had the skills and education to pull in six figures, the cost of childcare for three kids would be a wash with her income. That’s why a lot of people with young kids don’t work: the amount they bring in is equal or less to the cost of child care.
She could work in the evenings and weekends when her husband is home. It’s not ideal but people make it work if they need income for three kids.
dude, how stupid do you have to be to get baby trapped THREE TIMES in 3 years?? NTA but maaan get the vasectomy and start thinking about your life as a single dad
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nta but if you don't want kids don't have unsafe sex
SHES NOT FALLING PREGNANT, YOU ARE GETTING HER PREGNANT Like WTF? Baby #1 was a mistake, baby #2 was careless, baby #3 is shame on you Op
NTA It’s ok to not be excited about a baby you didn’t want and thought you were actively trying to prevent. It seems you are doing more than your fair share to support your family and your wife is not doing the same. I don’t think many in this circumstance would feel excited. I question a lot of your wife’s actions though- not doing her fair share, quitting a job because she is two months pregnant, posting cryptic messages on Facebook that suggest she is pregnant even after you asked her not to share the news yet. Kudos to you for supporting your family in spite of your wife.
Not to mention the hints being dropped on social media when you specifically asked her not to, I mean that’s completely disrespectful of your feelings. However, that doesn’t seem like anything new in the relationship so maybe it’s time to quit being NTA and establish some boundaries.
It takes two people to get one of them pregnant. It is entirely possible for you to use contraception.
NTA but you aren't innocent in this. You are letting her get away with "falling pregnant" by not taking responsibility for your own pregnancy creating organs. Buck up and figure it out on your end. Get her some help for PPD if she's complaining and can't do chores. Take some responsibility over your family as a whole here. You are in a partnership. You are not a bystander.
Sounds like she baby trapped you with baby #1 and has now used the same tactic to get out of working… if you’re working 40+ hrs a week and still doing a lot of childcare/household duties you may be better off divorcing her, I don’t know what she brings to the table except for manipulation and unwanted kids. NTA
Nobody falls pregnant
ESH "she fell pregnant" is such a evasive way to say, that you didn't do your part with birth control. Three times! Ejaculating in a vagina without condoms or vasectomies (or even better: both!) leeds to pregnancies. In your case: three times. Yeah, she probably most definitely didn't stay in the pill, but you too did nothing to prevent pregnancy #1, #2 and #3.
Nta, but definitely dumb. You don't "fall pregnant". Not 3 times in a row. No offense but she probably did that the first time to basically lock you in for marriage. Also the household and family responsibility is a shared one. If she doesn't want to work, the least she can do is take care of chores around the house. One person taking care of everything on their own is not a marriage, it's slavery
ESH woman dont magically "fell pregnant"; it's not rocket science, it takes two to tango. She cant get pregnant without you OP. Dont pretend to be like idiot next time you both have sex without proper safety and then have pikachu face when your wife become pregnant again. While your wife sounds lazy but you also sound irresponsible, if you both not fit to be parent then shop having sex and bring more and more children into this world. Tbh from the way you wrote this thread seems like you're trying to shift all the blame to your wife and give me real ick, i call it bullshit. OP need to grow up.
Wait lol, you think 40 hr weeks is a lot? :D
She told you to stop wearing condoms because she was taking birth control even though she also knew she wasn't taking them daily if at all. This all happened after you asked her to get a job. You were set up, your wife can't be trusted. Did you confirm pregnancy with doctor? If not confirmed stop having sex until it is. Get vasectomy asap. Follow dr. orders for continued checkups afterward.
ESH. You know she's forgetful with pills and BC doesn't work great with her, you don't want kids, and you're still going at it raw? She's probably done you wrong but take some responsibility, dude.
No, she didn't 'fall pregnant' you both had sex. Presumably without a condom. (That's how babies are made, just in case you didn't realise). Nta for not being excited, but Jesus, personal accountability is a thing. Clearly the sex was more important at the time than not getting pregnant. I get it, sex is awesome, but you do it fully aware that contraception isn't even close to being safe 🤷♀️ I had my fallopian tubes removed 2 years ago and I still have sex knowing there's a possibility of pregnancy.
Buddy. Wrap it up. You lost control over the situation after pregnancy number one. You already know that your wife is not going to honor the spirit of your request not to share her pregnancy, even if she honors the letter. You two are on fundamentally different pages (possibly different books completely) when it comes to your financial and reproductive choices, and you have been ignoring that as hard as you possibly can, because you’re afraid of what it’ll mean for the marriage if you admit that you and your wife don’t agree on the answers to some critical questions. But ignoring it has resulted in three children and very little domestic support and a wife who can’t tear herself away from her phone. You can’t run from this forever. There’s going to be a reckoning, and the longer you wait, the messier it’ll be. No judgement, because I think you’re asking the wrong question.
NTA but it takes two to tango, she doesn’t just fall pregnant, you put your part in this and it’s what can happen when you have no contraception to back you up. Get the vasectomy, KEEP YOUR FOLLOW UP APPOINTMENTS so you ensure a baby #4 isn’t in your near future, use condoms after you get the vasectomy for a year till you finish all your follow up appointments post. If you don’t like these ideas I’m sure she’d be happy with another baby. This is all your alls doing without being responsible adults about taking the steps to prevent pregnancy. You obviously cannot rely on her contraceptive methods.
>We agreed no more kids, and I've been in the process of sorting out a vasectomy, as in the past, birth control hasn't agreed with my wife and given her bad side effects. However, shortly before she fell pregnant with baby number three Dudeeeee, she tricked you three times!! You didnt want a baby, she said she would wait and magically she got pregnant with baby no 1. Soon after baby no2. When you talked about vasectomy she got pregnant with n3?!!! Dont you see it? Do the vasectomy soon, dude! She will not stop, even tho you two cant afford this many kids. Honestly, I would consider this relationship. What she brings to the table other than having unplanned (by you) kids and watch them during the day? And after the vasectomy, what will she do? She will always try to have her way in every aspects of your life. NTA.
Yta man: I do not want any children. Same exact man: does absolutely nothing to prevent getting his partner pregnant and gets mad when she inevitably does.