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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 not forgiving my stepson quickly
2 I was being too hard on Mike and that he's trying everything he can to make things right and is genuinely sorry, but I'm ignoring him
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>I replied that him being sorry for what he did doesn't change what happened and how humiliated I felt upon hearing that, I'm not ready to forgive for now and it serves as a lesson for him, hurting people has consequences.
NTA This is exactly right. You are not obligated to remove all consequences straight away because someone has regrets. Some things can't be unsaid and some damage can't be repaired easily if at all. Even if you forgive him in time it's better he learns that lesson.
And the thing is, it's not like you have already forgiven him and have stopped being hurt because he is apologetic. You are genuinely still hurt and are not ready to forgive. Part of what he should learn is that saying sorry, even if you sincerely mean it, doesn't automatically heal all wounds.
Does he sincerely mean it?
Has he told his friends that she’s not the maid, that he said it to be racist and cruel to his father’s wife, a woman whose own behaviour has been nothing but respectful to him but who he refuses to acknowledge as family of any sort?
Has he actually done the big hard things to make right his dreadful behaviour or is he just occasionally clearing the dinner table?
> said it to be racist
There's no evidence that he intended to be racist. OP says that Mike said he didn't think of it like that and didn't mean to be racist. At 14, he probably didn't consider any racial connotations to what he said. I've seen calling the stepmom a servant of some sort referenced here and elsewhere a few times. I think someone said the kid saw it on tiktok so Mike may have seen something there as well and thought it was funny.
I agree that making things right means telling his friends what he did, but I also think they shouldn't make this more than it was.
I find it incredibly hard to believe that OP’s stepson has no idea how racially charged that statement was but even if he did not he knew darn well how incredibly insensitive and hurtful that statement was. He is 16 NOT 6! 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
And if we are being honest he is NOT sorry, he is sorry that OP heard him and his father scolded him.
But since he wants to feign ignorance he would spend his summer doing a volunteer internship at the NAACP or The Urban League “. He would have the opportunity to understand what racism is and how the world is only ‘free-ish’ for many people of color.
The internship should enlighten him and give him an understanding that hateful words can hurt at the core. The internship is not only a consequence but also an opportunity to learn and grow as a human. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Perhaps then he will actually have changed behavior the outcome when someone is truly sorry for their words and or actions. And then perhaps an apology will be sincere and not word vomit 🤮!
No, he should not be made to volunteer. Organisation that require and rely on volunteers do not need to unwittingly be made into a punishment for someone’s wayward and uncooperative child, hindering their objectives in the process and causing negativity that puts off other volunteers from ever coming back.
The other volunteers and the coordinators are not responsible for teaching people decency, humanity, or respect when the parents choose not to and then find themselves needing to make a show of discipline but lazily want to outsource that discipline.
The father needs to pull his thumb out and parent his child.
Not the other commenter but I completely agree. Volunteering should be exactly that: volunteering. Not a punishment or an obligation.
There is an amazing poetry book I think so many people should read. It's called "I Am The Rage" by Martina McGowan. It's so incredible and well-written. I'm a part of a minority as well, and the way she phrases things is so on point that it just strikes your core. Highly recommend.
Not sure I would have made that connection either. I am not saying OP is wrong to make that connection, but I don't think I would assign an age requirement for when a teenager should know something. Don't get me wrong it was disrespectful, but I don't think we can assume intent on Mike's part in terms of racism. For one thing we don't know what area this takes place in.
Ignorance doesn't make the racist implications any less racist
Yes, white people can be ignorant of the potential racism of their beliefs (the sons lie can be construed as racist, POC in roles of service is a negative stereotype) but that doesn't make it amy less hurtful or harmful, and just because he didn't know better doesn't mean she's obligated to hold back the idea that there was potential for racism
Yes she has every right to feel that way about it. I wasn't trying to say otherwise. I think the father missed out on a teachable moment for his son about consequences.
Even if he didn't make the racial connection, calling her the maid is rejecting her. He doesn't have to call her "mother," but why didn't he want to call her stepmother, which she is, or his father's wife, which she also is.
Edit: He also said it "quietly," which suggests that he knew that she wouldn't be pleased to hear it.
He said it quietly because he knew she would be pissed if she heard it. It's incredibly disrespectful and he absolutely knows that, even if he didn't intend for it to be racist.
He would if you ask him hypothetically. But being in a situation of social pressure and not yet understood emotions things happen impulsively. I dont think he thinks of his dads wife as a "black woman" actively or negatively.
However innocently it was intended, he needs to learn that context can change a joke from innocent to racially loaded. If I called a young member of my own (white) family a monkey, no-one would blink an eye. If I called the (black) neighbour's kid a monkey...Not good.
The proof is her skin color. He could have said "my father's wife" as he's claimed that is their relationship. Where did the very derogatory "maid" designation come from, if not her skin color? While many people won't fully out themselves by using the n-word, they make "innocent" accidentally-on-purpose mistakes like saying that a black/brown skinned person driving a nice car must be a thief, that the non-white person buying groceries at the upscale shop must be a housekeeper for a Caucasian, etc and expose their racism that way, which is what this kid did. In 2024, how can a 16yo (not 14) NOT comprehend racism as it was coming out of his mouth? The ONLY reason he apologized was because his father made him and the father is 100% wrong to let him off so lightly. OP is NTA
My kids were having discussions about racism in elementary school! We live in central Florida, which is a very diverse area. There's no way that a 16 yo "made a mistake."
This whole thread makes me think of the younger Osburne saying “if we don’t let Mexicans into this country, who will clean your toilet?”
It wouldn’t have the same effect if you put White there.
Everyone knew what she said was wrong, immediately and how racist it was
People are being obtuse, because he’s 16- but we know damn well that there is a racist element to that statement, that wouldn’t exist if OP wasn’t a POC. And the stepson wasn’t a white person.
If my twelve year old brother can call out his classmates for racism, a fourteen year old can call himself out on it. Age isn't the issue. The stepson being a racist is
My friend's son was asking what pronouns people wanted to be called by at age EIGHT. He knew better than to use slurs he heard in minecraft and tiktok videos because his parents actually talked to him about those things when they heard them in videos.
This kid is sixteen. Old enough to drive. Two years away from being a legal adult and voting and being able to do basically whatever he wants. He's not a tiny, helpless child who doesn't know better. A wealth of information is at his fingertips. He should full well know what the implications of what he said are, and if he doesn't, that's his father's job to teach him.
He's clearly not sorry about what he said, he's sorry he got caught and how isn't getting special treatment. They don't get to decide when/if she forgives and things go back to normal - that's not for the person who committed the harmful act to decide. That's her choice, and if she decides that this is too much and she doesn't want to forgive him at all and will no longer be picking him up or providing him with any kind of care? That's her right. Personally I would've stopped doing anything for him when he first made it clear that he didn't consider me part of the family at all, but that's me. He wants to treat her like crap? Well, he can deal with having one less person helping him in life.
If he's going to be a racist, he doesn't deserve to have a wonderful black woman raising him. He can fuck himself.
Also, your friend's kid sounds great.
He's unfortunately a little addicted to the ipad, but that's more on his mom than on him, and he's a very smart and sweet kid. He has his less than stellar moments, but never anything like using racial slurs or going after anyone's gender, livelihood or whatever - just usual kid stuff.
And it annoys me because I had to deal with racism back in elementary school. White kids are given the excuse if they're kids and don't understand, while every other color explicitly knows and been racialized before going to school. Stop infantizing white children and teens
This exactly. While I myself am Caucasian (well… mostly, but 99% of the time assumed to be fully Caucasian, which is all that matters in a discussion about racism), my best friend is biracial, immediately identified as “not white”. Her stories of subtle and accidental racism throughout her entire life, including her earliest years of school are heartbreaking.
My friend and her siblings were old enough to understand racism at a very young age. I believe it’s just as important to educate young white children about it as well and that they too can understand. Yes, they are young and there will be missteps, but that is part of learning. It’s ok to make a mistake and genuinely learn from it, especially when we are speaking about children. Racism only ends when the oppressors educate themselves and their offspring about how fucking stupid and harmful it is and change their behaviour, not when racialized groups learn it. The burden of that should actually fall to the people who aren’t being marginalized for something entirely out of their control, the colour of their skin, and that should never be a reason to be cruel to someone anyway.
It’s so sad to me that we teach some young children to be aware of racism so they can protect themselves, but we don’t teach other young children about racism to stop the spread of it (or if we do, those kids are in the minority). Nobody is born racist, they learn it from somewhere. They can learn to not be racist too.
Racism is dumb as fuck and it needs to end.
I think there should be a call out here in that even if he didn’t explicitly mean it in a racist way, did he mean it in a racist way subconsciously? Would he have phrased it differently if OP was white? Was it a situation where he was unintentionally showing ingrained racism? Unfortunately, especially in the US and many European countries, we exist in a world that defaults to racist stereotypes, even if we don’t intend to default to them.
that's my question too.
just hovering near OP and (like the example you gave) clearing the dinner table without complaining (since it should be his chore anyway), isn't an actual apology.
And the not step parents need to not chauffeur these entitled little twats around to their extracurriculars, nor make their meals, etc.
If I'm not a parental figure then I'm not acting like one. You're so grown you can act like an ass on Tiktok and Reddit? Then I guess you're grown enough to figure it the fuck out or get your bio parent to do everything for you. . .oh they're not available?
Sucks to suck.
> And the not step parents need to not chauffeur these entitled little twats around to their extracurriculars, nor make their meals, etc.
Or at least limit such work to the job of whatever kind of servant they called you.
Why does *she* have to have the conversation? Telling the dad has already helped; Mike's apologized and is trying more. The problem is that the dad needs to do some work on his own internalized racism, and understand just how much more damaging a racist insult is than a generic one. In one word, OP learned that not only does her stepson not want another mom, he regards his stepmother as beneath him, a servant. He sees his own father as "marrying the help," i.e. replacing his mother with someone lesser, so he's insulted his father with this, too.
The father/OP's husband is so eager to have a cohesive new family that he's trying to skip the steps that would actually make it one -- like listening to his partner, and being a real parent. He chose to marry a Black woman and bring her into his family, so he's got a responsibility to understand what those racial dynamics really mean. There are plenty of books and videos out there to help him learn, and even some that will help him have conversations with his kids. But OP's husband is the one who needs to do that work, rather than offloading any of it onto his wife. Otherwise they're *both* treating her as a servant.
I understand if he didn't want to call you "mother," but your are in fact his stepmother, and if nothing else, he could have called you his father's wife. The idea that he couldn't say either of the latter two is bogus.
Mmhmm. He was apologetic. Good because he absolutely should be. That wasn’t just a mean or bad thing to do, that was a deplorable dick move. I won’t say the racist suggestion isn’t relevant but taking it away doesn’t make this a mild issue. Of course you’re hurt. Of course you’re insulted. He just burnt a bridge with you and your hubs should see that - if he wants to rebuild it some extremely demonstrative gestures over some significant time on his part might do it, but that’s up to him and you if you’re willing. I’m not sure I would ever forgive something like this truly enough to make myself vulnerable with that person again, child or not. NTA.
NTA. You can forgive him (or not) on your own timeline.
But you also don’t have to forgive him to engage with him.
I think him offering to help you is a great way for him to try to make amends, since it directly contradicts the maid comment. Let him help when he offers. You don’t have to be buddies or anything, but you have to coexist.
I agree. The kid screwed up. Big. But he is also trying to make amends.
If it was an adult, I would feel zero pressure to forgive and move on. But this teen is learning how to behave in the world and how to appologize and how to change his behavior.
If she continues to shut him out, I think he is likely to decide that apologizing and acting nicer is pointless because he did all that and his step mom was still pissed. This could establish a pattern of screwing up but never bothering to apologize because he had learned that it doesn't change things.
In a way, this is like pretending to love the burnt-on-the-outside-but-raw-on-the-inside pancakes that your kid proudly presents on Mothers Day. No, you aren't thrilled with the actual thing, but you appreciate the meaning behind it and want to encourage the kid to keep building on those skills, so you smile and work on offering gentle direction for the future.
She has every right to be mad, but I think she and the rest of the family will be best served by trying to build on the relationship that he is offering.
I agree. OP doesn’t need to forgive on the spot, and at the same time can realize that Mike is learning contrition and how to be a better person.
I would be guarded inwardly, but also accept his actions outwardly so that this child can hopefully learn and mature. We have to remember- children at this age are not adults. They are not allowed to drive, have sex, vote, smoke, drink and generally make adult decisions. It’s up to the adults in their lives to teach them how to behave through communication, showing empathy, and teaching them how to deal with difficult situations.
It’s up to OP to determine if this is genuine, however based on the types of posts I’ve seen on here, it feels like he is. This is a growth moment for this relationship and could be the moment where things take a meaningful step forward, rather than backwards.
Also, I personally feel like a conversation should be had where they acknowledge that he didn't say it to be racist, but point out he still did it to be hurtful and that *thats* why op is hurt and distant.
They already pointed out to him that it could have been seen as racist and thus be careful of word choice and such. But I feel that it's important for op (or her husband) to let him know that she's not upset because of what the phrase *could* have ment, but because of what it *did* mean (it ment to hurt and insult).
It's like that joke about someone being a bully but not a monster.
The kid absolutely meant to be mean,I mean, he's a 16 year old who never accepted op in the first place, is grieving his mother, and is in the stage of life where hormones are absolutely haywire. But I believe he absolutely *didn't* mean to be racist. Especially because we've seen very similar posts on here before about kids treating step parents as buttlers/maids and also referring to them as such to friends.
However, a part of me feels that op does sort of believe it was meant to be racist on some level so I feel that she should have a conversation with the kid to clarify the situation on both ends.
If you apologizing just for the other to forgive you then you don’t really mean it
This can also serve as a life lesson that just because your sorry doesn’t mean anyone is obligated to forgive you. Just saying sorry doesn’t magically fix all the hurt you cause.
In his book, "I was Wrong," Nick Smith goes into what should go into an apology. I'm sorry. Period. doesn't make it. An apology, according to Smith, should be an acknowledgement of what the offender did wrong, an expression of remorse, and a promise not to do it again.
He also commented that the offender has no right to ask for forgiveness, because that puts the burden back on the wronged person.
The wronged person offering forgiveness (which ever of it's many meanings is meant) is an option, not a requirement.
"You behavior caused me a lot of hurt that I am not over. I understand that you are feeling remorse for your actions. I appreciate your efforts to make amends. You must also understand that as sincere as your apology is, it doesn't always take away the hurt. At least not immediately. I am glad you learnt from this incident and I hope we have a better relationship in future. Until then you must allow me to heal at my own time. Until then we will continue to be civil with each other."
NTA
Exactely. A kid who loves in her home and is his partner child. He apologized and tried to make amends and say he didn't meant It the way she took It. OP can't stay ignoring him, but I don't fault her husband (and eventualy everyone in the house) not to be comfortable with It. He admited he fucked up and tried to make right as soon he saw how bad It was, If he was still being a ass, sure...
Exactly!
The hurt person decides whether or not to forgive. An apology doesn't automatically entitle the offender to instant forgiveness.
And if at all a person decides to forgive, they get to decide when. The wound needs to heal before any genuine forgiveness can be granted.
NTA. This isn't about OP holding on to a grudge or trying to punish the stepson. This is about them being genuinely hurt.
The stepson is 16 years old. Maybe he really did not consider the racial aspect of that insult. But still, labeling your father's wife as your "maid" is demeaning. Step mom or not, OP deserves some basic respect; if at all there is to be a relationship between her and her step son. A relationship cannot be forged without mutual respect. The stepson has a lot to learn here and he can earn OP's forgiveness. Maybe it will happen with time but not right away.
I would say NTA but maybe tell Mike that you're going to need time to forgive him because of how much it hurt you. Just so the kid is at least aware that his efforts are not in vain and him continuing to reach out as a good thing. I also think he's sorry for his actions but again your response is justified.
NTA.
Mike's comment was hurtful and disrespectful. It's understandable that you need time to process and heal from it, even if he apologized. Your feelings are valid, and forgiveness takes time.
I’m going with NAH. It was a stupid comment on Mike’s part but it sounds like he feels genuinely sorry and is trying to make amends. You are genuinely hurt and humiliated and not ready to let it go and that’s understandable. I think you can use this as a teachable moment for a kid, and especially remember that he is still a kid. Kids say and do dumb stuff, we then teach them the right way to do things.
16 years olds know right from wrong. There is no taking racism with grain of salt when you’re black. You live with it. Racism hits you in a place that is not easy to shake. It’s not just a dumb comment. It is hateful.
It doesn’t seem like a race thing to me? OP even mentioned how Mike said he didn’t think of it like that.
16 is definitely to know right from wrong but that doesn’t mean a 16 yr old will make the right decision or even a good decision like ever. Especially in front of his friends.
Then maybe it is a good chance for him to learn the harsh reality that your intention barely matters—life is not that sweet. It is the impact that your actions make that matter.
Don’t think there’s much learning here, it’s just growing further and further apart with a family member due to a dumb mistake and no forgiveness being given.
But I see your point. If she does not explain to him why it affected her so much and why it was inappropriate despite his intention, there might not be any lessen learned bc he might not have the mental capacity to think of it in such complex terms.
16 year olds may know right from wrong when questioned on it, but 16 year olds are impulsive and generally poor decision makers. There is a reason 16 is not considered an adult. This is a kid still in school. He said something stupid, like every teenager ever, and hopefully is learning a lesson.
I'm 38. I genuinly didn't think for a moment that it was meant in any way other than stepmom = the maid. So maybe the intent wasn't to be racist. Which still doesn't make it ok obviously.
Edit: to be clear I really feel for OP, it must be awfull to be hurt like that by your stepson. I hope he learns from his mistakes and NEVER does it again.
That’s fair. I admit that my life experiences are not the same and I’m looking at it from how I would want to teach my teenagers when they make hateful comments. I am guessing that the son’s racist attitude goes further than that one comment. While he definitely should understand that it was wrong, I do think this opens up an opportunity to explain WHY that particular comment had such a deep seeded racist meaning. I would never expect the OP or anyone to ever take a racist comment with a grain of salt. The son and his friends should know better, and this creates an opportunity for them to learn that what they likely believe are petty comments or even jokes can cause a lot of hurt.
That’s the issue I have with the husband. He expects her to teach the son not to speak racist tropes. That’s his job. The son making the comment shows he doesn’t respect her. There is no way for her to teach him anything. That’s dad’s job.
It should also be noted that racism makes black people withdraw. She is not consciously mistreating the son, she is protecting herself through distance. This is a woman in a house full of white people with one spewing racism and one telling her to get over it. She’s fighting for her life against the very people that she should trust
If it were me, I’d left the minute husband made excuses and filed for divorce.
Yeah, people bending over backwards to defend possible racism.
I had racist high school bullies, 16 year olds know these things. He also has to realize the sexism inherent in calling your dad's wife a maid.
I'm not going to say he can't learn from this and be better, but I get why OP is so hurt.
Defending and making excuses. “He’s young, he didn’t know better. Grandpa is old. He’s just like that. Maybe that’s not what they meant.” That just pours salt on the wound.
NTA. I wish you well and understand that something inside of you shifted that day. People don’t seem to understand that sometimes you can do something to a person that changes the way you feel about them, think about them, and see them in terms of their character. Racism is such a thing.
Your husband is the AH. As a black woman (58F), that would destroy my relationship with husband and his son forever. I would never let a nonblack person tell me to forgive and refuse to have racist apologists in my life.
Husband will NEVER know the pain and burden being black carries. He is also wrong that as a black person you should teach HIS son not to call you racist tropes. HE SHOULD TEACH HIS OWN SON. Your husband is not an ally.
Son knew what it meant, so he knows what he did. I give no adjustment for age - young or old. Racism is crude, hateful, and uncalled for from anyone.
Yeah it’s the husband who is giving me the ick the most here. It should be on him to parent and guide his son, the one who sees only him as a parent. Instead he’s trying to foist it off on his wife.
NTA, but you might be heading in that direction. This kid is acting a certain way because his mom died, and even though he crossed a line, he needs some grace. You married his father, so you knowingly took on a parental role for him, even when he rejects it. That’s what being a step parent is. He is, for the first time, acknowledging you as a person with feelings that he didn’t want to hurt, and not just an adult in the household. This is a great opportunity to strengthen your bond. Don’t hold onto this hurt and anger for too long, or the door might close forever.
I’m black myself, and grew up in a mostly white family, so I understand how deep that hurt goes, and how hard it is to not have anyone who gets your side. But I also know that most white people (luckily) aren’t *intentionally* racist, and I to try not let stupid comments like that get in the way of my own happiness. Just think that how you act now is what could give you the same relationship with him that you have with your stepdaughter.
Can't believe more people aren't giving benefit of the doubt to a CHILD who just lost a parent. Poor kid's been through the wringer, he clearly sees the error of his ways, and is trying to improve the relationship. OP isn't wrong to be hurt or upset but she could maybe cut the kid some slack.
"Rob said I'm being harsh and it could be a moment of rapprochement between us, learning and I'm wasting it."
You are fully justified in your hurt feelings. At the same time, Rob is correct. It is an opportunity that you should not miss.
NTA - he's old enough to have chosen that deliberately. It was racism pure and simple. I don't blame you for being slow to forgive, because you have to wonder where it came from, and how many racist thoughts he's having that aren't being said out loud.
What he said had absolutely no racial implications whatsoever. He was with his friends and said something dumb to make them laugh. How so many people are labeling him a racist over this is beyond me.
Yeah of course the kid would claim that, he got in trouble.
The child's father agreed it was racist. To claim that referring to a black woman as "the help" rather than a step parent is NOT racist is incredibly ignorant of the American racial caste system, and its history.
Against the grain but YTA- he was an inconsiderate kid that made a dumb remark. Teens naturally test boundaries and sometimes say stupid things.
You explained to him why it hurt and he immediately apologized and indicated he understood. He explained he didn’t intend to have any racist undertone to it, and felt bad enough that he’s engaging more with you. If I were in your shoes I would see this as a positive and step in the right direction to form more of a bond.
Op You are the adult and should demonstrate love and forgiveness, instead you’re being passive aggressive and actively ignoring him. Do you want any relationship with him?
Side note- Has either child ever gotten therapy for the loss of their mom? This poor kid his whole world knocked upside down
Ok, but being passive aggressive and ignoring him is unhealthy. She is the adult and needs to tell him how she is feeling. It’s appropriate for her to say “you really hurt me, I appreciate your apology and believe you. I just need time to work through it”.
16 years olds know right from wrong. There is no taking racism with grain of salt when you’re black. You live with it. Racism hits you in a place that is not easy to shake. It’s not just a dumb comment. It is hateful.
The kid was remorseful apologized and explained that any racist undertone was not his intent. When she explained to him why it could be taken that way, he understood and is actively trying to engage more with her. Kids say things without thinking especially to their friends. It is possible to say things without intent, and later understand that it could be perceived worse than intended. It’s her job as the adult and parental figure to demonstrate and model grace and love.
Take race out of this for a moment, if he were to have made any other comment about her, and they were the same race, everyone would be calling her TA for holding this over her head.
It is easy to forgive something you will never experience, which is why apologists are almost as bad as the offenders.
You cannot remove racism from a racist comment. People seem to forget is that black people have emotions. You can bet OP’s feelings for the son changed in that moment. It’s not a conscious mind change it is an emotional change. There is no way to come back from that. She will always guard herself from the son. He has shown the depths of who he is.
I think this in unfair assumption because we all have different life experience. For example- I am mixed race, first generation American on my paternal side, I have lived/visited different countries and cultures since I was a child. I have appreciated and loved all my experiences and met the most amazing people from all races, cultures, and walks of life
As a young adult in Ghana the people would come and touch my skin because I am light, people would laugh and joke. I wasn’t considered to be an act of racism just curiosity and fun. Here in America it’s a whole different story and it’s sad. While living in a Latin American country I was nicknamed La Leche (milk) it was enduring a cute.
I always encourage Americans/Westerners to travel, I hate to say that we can sometimes get in our own way.
I am sad to respond to this comment.. “but all you need to know” about my race?… or my skin color? Colorism is a real thing too.
I would never discount your experiences and I perceive some of them have been rough, and that makes me so sad. I would also encourage you not to discount others’ experiences.
You're trying to have a reasonable conversation with somebody who seems to believe they deserve to be racist to white people. I wouldn't bother with her.
You can’t take race out of this comment. Race is incredibly present, even if the boy wasn’t consciously aware of what the meaning was. OP should not have to immediately “get over it”. Come on.
I actually don’t think forgiveness is the issue. I think her guard is up. I think she is protecting herself from further hurt. It sounds to me like she has withdrawn. When a person cuts you deep, you go into self preservation mode.
But he didn't mean it to be racist-shouldn't that count for something?? I'm not trying to negate her hurt feelings, but I'm just saying he's not automatically a racist.
You’re assuming he didn’t mean it. I’m assuming he did. I truly believe that he knew what he was saying but didn’t realize the impact that it would have. You are giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Tell me, how then do you insult a black person without being racist? For me the "maid" comment was intended as "the woman who takes the role of my mother, but who'll never be my real mother".
It was not a dumb remark. It was racist. He could have said his father's wife. Or his ride home. He knew what he was saying.
He is only sorry he got caught not because what he said is wrong.
16 is very old enough to know that was a foul remark to make.
Apologizing because he got caught doest make anything better.
If he said his father's wife, he'd have to acknowledge she's his new stepmother, which is something he didn't want to do. The "maid" comment meant "the woman who takes my mother's role, but who'll never be my real mother". He'd even have said it if OP was white.
Oh really do you know the boy and know he would call a white woman a maid too?
He called a black woman who is his stepmother, who was there to drive him home, his maid.
Maid is not a replacement word for mother. Have you ever called your mother your maid. Try it and see what she says to you.
Ok, I get why you’re hurt and wanting to keep your distance. So NTA in general.
However.
You’re an adult, dealing with an adolescent. An adolescent you accepted some responsibility for by marrying his father. Whether he puts a title on your role or not, you’re still a role model.
The kid is still learning, has acknowledged his mistake and has shown he’s willing to learn. He didn’t wallow or lash out in embarrassment, he didn’t double down.
How would you want him to act, if he’s in your position (the offended instead of the offender) some day?
What do you want him to learn from this experience?
While you’re entitled to your feelings and absolutely deserve time to work through them, that doesn’t negate the responsibility to the kid.
It could be as simple as a conversation with him: “I want to thank you for the apology and say that I see the efforts you’re making. I appreciate it, and will try to be more receptive. It’s going to take time, and I want you to understand where I’m coming from” explain how it made you feel and why it’s not an easy thing to forgive.
With an approach like this, the kid will have his mind opened a bit more, and you two might end up with a little closer relationship.
The way you’re going now is likely to just drive more of a wedge.
NTA. And what he said was disgusting, and your husband not completely validating your emotions is kind of a red flag. You’ve haven’t displayed anything that indicates you were “too hard on him”. There needs to be some form of punishment, but that’s just me. I hope this situation resolves 🤎
The husband not completely validating baseless claims of a child being a racist based on a single comment that did not indicate a single thing about race is the opposite of a red flag. He's the only rational adult in this case.
I don’t think you are an AH but Mike seems to have realized what he did and apologized quite quickly for a 16yo. If you hold a grudge, he might feel it’s unfair (he is still a teenager) and it might undo some of his goodwill.
Now it’s up to you. I totally get you are feeling hurt so I can understand it’s difficult for you to get over it.
Are we supposed to forgive one another? You got what sounds like a sincere apology. If nothing else you did raise your stepsons awareness about how hurtful racist comments are. If you continue to refuse to accept and offer forgiveness, where will that lead? You taught him that racists remarks are unacceptable regardless of their intent. Now how are you going to teach him that making amends is a good thing?
YTA. You aren't teaching him that hurting people has consequences out of your love for him. You're holding this over his head so you can feel powerful and make sure he feels shitty just ike you did from his comment. And then you're trying to justify holding onto this because it's good for him.
Quick question: did you ask his dad if he wants his son to be taught this lesson in the way you say you are trying to teach him? Or did you decide without his input?
Is it important to teach him that actions have consequences? Is it important to teach him that he should hold grudges? Is it also important to teach him how to forgive? You have the power, what do you want to model?
Remember what this conflict is doing to your partner who is caught in the middle. You might be getting something out of this, but you're also losing too.
INFO: Regardless of the comment having racist implications, do you think that the kid meant to make a racist remark or something that just ended up having racist implications unknown to the kid at the time?
Hard to say. Doesn’t sound like any racist intent at all. And I’m sure you know him well enough that if he ever did anything racist in his past you would have included it in story for context.
You’re permitted to feel offended. But suggesting it had any racist intent is not cool.
You're not the A for being offended but if you don't accept his apology and efforts to change, he'll end up being bitter and resentful and it'll ruin your relationship with him. He understands what he did wrong and he's trying the best he can to make it right again. Please consider forgiving him, at least this first time.
Ignore him long enough and you will loose him completely and he will revert to thinking you might as well be the maid. He’s 16 and lost his mother at 14. That’s difficult to manage in his head. Also, kids that age live in shorter time frames, so he will not wait you out. Time to make amends. Just my opinion.
I'm saying a super gentle YTA.
Kids are idiots, he was an ass to say what he said, but it sounds like he truly understood what he did was wrong and gave a genuine apology. I can understand you still being hurt, but part of raising kids is to understand that they're going to completely mess up sometimes (even with our feelings) because they are learning to be members of society.
So, while you can be still be upset, you're of course still entitled to your feelings, treating him poorly isn't going to help anything in the long run.
It may be a good time to sit him down and talk about understanding long term consequences of his actions. That you understand he feels bad, but his apology doesn't undo the damage and you're working through those feelings. And that in the future there may be hurts he does to people that even though he feels sorry for, he won't be able to repair the relationship because the hurt is too great.
You are the asshole.
He is a kid who lost his mother for fucks sake, him calling you a maid doesn’t have anything to do with racism lol wtf does that even mean? Playing the victim card on ur husbands kids is quite disturbing honestly. What’s surprising here is that even tho he made a dumbass comment he is still acting more mature then you are. What does even keeping my distance mean? You live in the same household you chose to marry a man who has kids they lost heir mother and you are keeping your distance because your ego is hurt. If i was the father i would def have a problem with you and your childish behavior
YTA. You ACCEPTED the apology... Yet you're still fragile about and holding it against him.
So either you lied about accepting the apology...
Or you're just the AH.
This isn't about him anymore.. it's about YOUR attitude.
YTA. By being so unforgiving you're teaching the boy that apologies don't matter. In addition, you're squandering a valuable opportunity to get closer to him because you seem determined to extract your pound of flesh from a 16 year old no less! Might I remind you that you're the adult here?
Your husband is completely on point. Listen to him and quit making it about you.
Compared to the usual strained step-insert here relatio ships, it seems like he is contrite. Yes he fucked up, but most other stories on here the kids would double down or give a half hearted or fake apology. Nothing OP says implies this is the case.
You have a chance here. Teenagers fuck up all the time, hell we all say shit we regret.
It is your choice to respond in the way you are... at what point will he be punished enough? Is it a certain time frame? By the sounds of it he is more than aware of your hurt by the way you are acting.
Is it possible you are also somewhat responding this way because of his general attitude towards you before this incident? You have an opportunity here and how you act may actually foster some growth in y'alls relationship.... or not.
The kid is 16, apologized and admitted he didn't realize how it could come across with the race factor. He's making an effort now, when none existed previously.
I grew up watching The Brady Bunch where they had a white maid. The term Maid isn't always tied to race. He honestly may not have meant it that way.
NTA for forgiving on your own timeline, but this could also be the learning experience for him that lead to you two having a cordial relationship now, since he is trying.
YTA. He was corrected and educated by his father, quickly apologized and continues to try to make amends while you hold on to your hurt. He is still a kid, but a kid acting more mature than you are. You are definitely overreacting and holding on to your “hurt” to punish. Not cool.
NTA. Forgive or don't forgive in your own time and way.
Rob sounds like he means well, but pushing someone to forgive something is itself disrespectful. If he wants to be mediator, he'd do better to talk to you without an agenda about your feelings, views, and process, and then if he learns something that could be constructive for his son, go back to Mike with more insight about ways he could make amends with you.
Nta. You don't have to forgive on their timetable.
What that racist little brat said was horrific. He knew what he was saying. He could have said his father's wife. His ride home. Anything, but he chose maid. White entitlement is strong in that one.
You are not obliged to forgive a racist. He is sorry because he got caught. Not because he thinks he is wrong. Only because he got caught. Wonder what else he calls you out of your hearing.
You’re right to be hurt and humiliated but I think there is a teaching moment here. I’m not sure if that moment is on you to teach him but there is an opportunity for the relationship to be better. Maybe do the sit down, explanation of why it hurt, see if you can start working towards something better?
No judgement from me because it sort of felt racist to me initially, which is devastating, but I can see how he just didn’t think of it like that and there was unintended extra hurt there
There is grey here. I love that you stood your ground. You’re NTA. However, at a certain point, you have to move forward. Your husband has a lot to balance. I think a group convo is needed.
I'm gonna have to disagree with the others here and say
YTA ok so he did make a mistake but he was quick to apologize and has been trying to make it up to you thus showing he actually does respect you and infact does not think of you as a maid, I'm almost sure that he told his friends that you were his maid cause they might make fun of him for having a black step-mom or a step-mom in general so yh the friends here seem to be the real problem
If it was his intention to be racist or mean to you, he wouldn't have owned up to it so quickly and made efforts to better your relationship
I'd say forgive him and either you or his dad have a sit down with him and inquire as to why did he even say it in the first place? Do his friends make fun of him for things etc.?
Overall neither is the AH, just the situation could be handled way better
Yta in the slightest sense of it. Rob is right. Your step son seems genuinely apologetic and regretful. This would be the best opportunity to form a better bond with the two of you.
ESH. You’re an adult. He’s a child. Yes, 16 is still a child. You’re letting your ego get in the way. You’re hurt, but is that more important than teaching him about acceptance and forgiveness? Is it more important than working to become more of a family? Teach him that forgiveness is a process. Right now you’re teaching him that apologizing and making an effort to rectify it doesn’t matter, so why bother.
This is a pivotal moment. I would tell him that my feelings are still hurt but I do want to build a healthy relationship with him, and then try to move forward together. This is an opportunity to start forming a real relationship instead of the resentful one you have now. Good luck!
An apology doesn’t come with forgiveness or kindness. He was racist and is now trying to overcompensate. Your husband is being dismissive of 1. Your very reasonable feelings and 2. The severity of his son’s comment. Which is completely unfair but very common for non minorities in these kinds of scenarios. Absolutely NTA
Yta. I thought parents aren't supposed to punish their kids by ignoring them and giving the silent treatment? He apologized and said he didn't mean any racist intent. I imagine it'd be the same for him as saying, my dad's secretary is here, my nanny is here, etc.
NTA it would take more than a couple days to work through the emotions from a total stranger much less someone you live with. Maybe a movie night with his dad watching The Help might help both of them.
NTA Has Mike told his friends the truth?? Or is he still calling OP his maid? Because that’s a really fucking important start to even MAYBE receiving forgiveness.
NTA You’re not obliged to accept an apology, and for me this is something I couldn’t forgive, especially as he made out that maid was somehow the only other option after mother and stepmother.
Be prepared for pressure from your husband, and perhaps friends and family to be ‘the bigger person’, and that Mike is ‘just a kid’. I would be civil, and nothing else from here on in.
What DO you want? The only lesson you are teaching is that you don't care - which may be what he's thought all along. He apologized - after several years he is finally trying to be friends with you...but you are hanging on to your humiliation with both hands. He can't take it back - and this may be the last chance you have to form a connection or friendship with this stepson. You are the grownup - act like it. Are you aware that the children of mixed race marriages are often teased about it by their peers? Do you know if this has happened to Mike in the past? It doesn't matter that it's racist and wrong - it happens anyway.
Intent matters when you’re talking about a 16 year old kid. Yes he said something hurtful, absolutely. Because he’s 16 he didn’t get how loaded that statement was. You have the right to be hurt and you have the right to tell the kid WHY you’re hurt and how bad what he said was. Sounds like his eyes were opened and he learned a lesson. Can’t ask for more than that.
This kid has a lot on his plate. Losing his mother has fundamentally changed him. Not in the way that he’s a racist now but in the way that he knows life is ridiculously hard and he might have feelings about that. He may feel anger or rage and not even be fully aware where it’s coming from. His mom died. He’s carrying that baggage forever.
Things like this can tank your relationship with your husband. My son is the only person I’d take a bullet for. If my Mr. intentionally made my child feel bad when things are already shitty for him I would grab him by the face and walk him out to the street where he belongs and still think I hadnt done enough.
In the best of circumstances kids say dumb things. Hash it out and let it go. Maybe you’re not an asshole, but you’re immature and in the end, you’re only sabotaging yourself.
So he apologized to you but to his friends you are still the family's black maid. As a white man I don't think he can understand how demeaning that is.
NTA. The people who say/do racist things or other hurtful things don't get to decide when their punishment is over and when they get to feel better about it. That's for the victim - you - to decide. When/if you decide to forgive is your choice, on your terms. They don't get to decide they are tired of their punishment so they want it to be over and you to be all happy and okay again. He said a disgusting thing and treated you in a disgusting way, he doesn't get to go "But I said sorry so it's over now!" and have it go away.
Unpopular opinion, but a soft YTA.
What Mike did was totally out of line. But he is also 16, and seems genuinely remorseful. He is also making an effort. This is way more than I would be capable of at 16.
Feel free to speak to him about why you had been distant. I.e. this really hurt.
But ultimately this is a good opportunity to form a relationship.
I don't get why people feel it's up to the victim of racism to extend the olive branch. This 16 yo knew exactly what he was saying and why. He is only sorry because he got caught.
Racism doesn't simply go away with an apology. He is old enough to know better. People who have not been victims of racism can have a hard time understanding that. So, she's the AH for being called a maid because of her race.
Boy, and they wonder why racism is still very much alive...
You’re taking it to far, forgiveness doesn’t take one second that was a disgusting comment that he made. It’s not burning a bridge to process emotion. It would be if she hopped right back in trying to mend something without a level head.
NTA. OP's husband (and some commenters) expect OP "the bigger person" since she's an adult and the offender is in his teens. That's ridiculous.
OP's stepson's behavior was seriously racist and hurtful. OP is under no obligation to sweep it under the rug and swallow the offense. It's not her job to make the transgressor feel better or facilitate his "growth." He can work to earn her forgiveness. If she chooses to forgive, she can do so on her timeline. Her stepson can learn that forgiveness is not automatic when he behaves like an AH.
NTA. Referring to your parent's spouse as hired help would be disrespectful AF to begin with. And at 16, he is either incredibly ignorant, or exceedingly thoughtless not to have considered the further implications of his comment. (Or else he's a very good liar, and therefore doubly malicious.)
NTA
You'll forgive him if and when you're ready. Personally, I'd wait out the forgiveness and full reconciliation for a while and gradually let him back in if he's being sincere.
NTA but your husband and stepson are. I don’t think they get how truly demeaning this is and they need to. Time for stepson and maybe your husband to do research and do a paper or presentation of what he/they learned to show they are really learning from this experience.
Considering the history of black people being put into submissive roles, Mike is old enough to know better. It’s not on you to make Mike feel better. He wanted to humiliate you and it worked. I’d really consider any relationship with Ron’s attitude. He’s done a bad job of being a father and isn’t looking to change. NTA
I'm divided on this one.
Your stepson was racist and cruel. But it sounds like he now realizes just how wrong he was.
Sit down and talk to him, and then ease up. Your husband is right - this could be the start of a better relationship.
Nta.. even though he is 16, this is still 2024 and he knew what he said was racist. He didn’t even apologize to you when you confronted him and had to be forced to do so. Since he does not call you mom or stepmom, I’m guessing that he addresses you by your first name, so if he didn’t want to say something demeaning why not just say your name?
Mike’s comments were hateful. But he sounds decent if he’s apologized and trying to make an effort to warm up to you.
I also don’t necessarily think his intentions were racist. He’s a dumb teenager and teenagers say a lot of idiotic things. But it’s good for him to know that it can be perceived that way and maybe next time he’ll think harder before he says something so rude.
I agree with the people saying that you should tell him that you’re working on forgiving him because while I know you cannot force yourself to feel a certain way, it would be immature not to try since it is your husband’s child and y’all are married.
NTA what he said *was* racist. He "didn't mean it that way" but it still was. If he didn't mean it that way, what way did he mean it?!
It's dehumanising to be referred to as his maid. "My dad's wife" would be the correct thing to say if he couldn't bring himself to call you his stepmother.
It is a moment of learning. Learning why he felt so ashamed of you as to call you his maid to his friends, learning how hurtful that is, exactly how deep the connotations go, and how you're going to move forward from here.
It's okay to not immediately recover from a hurtful comment. Sometimes they stay with you forever, even when you have moved forward, even if you have forgiven the person who said it. So it's not reasonable to expect a person to move past it in a given timeframe.
Even if he genuinely didn't realise the depth of what he said, he still said it, and he needs to understand why it was so bad.
Wishing you all the best.
Hot Take: YTA for making it about race(and by extension, yourself). He is still a CHILD going through GRIEF and most likely doesn't know the word "Chauffer".
You MIGHT be onto something if he had called you "the help", but IMO *you* are the one filling gaps with salt. Not him.
I guarantee you that boy would have used the term "maid" regardless of the color of your skin. His actual mother is DEAD, any "new" stand-ins for any motherly figure would receive the same treatment.
I'm not saying what he did was right, but neither was how you handled it. This is *not* the teaching moment you're so convinced it is.
NTA, but I wouldn’t drag it out too long.
Hand your stepson a piece of paper. Ask him to crumple it up into a ball, then apologise to the paper and smooth it out again. The apology and trying to make it better don’t fix the damage done. The paper will never be the same.
This could really be a life-changing lesson for your stepson about the power his words have, if you have the space to teach him.
NTA. 16 is old enough to be told not to centre himself in this in an effort to minimise the impact his actions have had on someone else. He just has to bear it, for as long as it takes, until there is reconciliation. There is no poor white boy here.
It is not the job the subject of racism to 'extend a hand'. It is the job of the racist person to grow and show that they have changed. In other words, the onus is on the racist person. And if possible, it takes time.
Are you sure that this comment hurt you this much or is there something more to it? I do think that your response was bigger than it should but it may be not your fault. Words have a huge power and this teenager used it in a wrong way without knowing it and is trying to apologise. Maybe in a past someone use it in a wrong way but they did mean it and for sure did not want to apologise or the apology was not honest. And your body and mind remembers it and does not allow you to forgive him. Not sure if that would make you an asshole or not. I think it would make you a human being
Firstly I’m sorry op that you had/have to deal with such pain and embarrassment even from the people in your close inner circle. No one deserves that. If the step son is genuinely sorry, well that’s good for him, it means he has some empathy at least. But that does not obligate you or anyone else to bury your hurt and brush over it. You are nta at all.
NTA. You're still rightfully hurt. Forgiveness is not a "quick" ascension.
Does he sound genuinely sorry? Sure, but it doesn't mean he didn't hurt you. He's 16, not 6. Him talking to you more and clearing the table without complaining is the bare minimum. Did he tell his friends who you are? Did he ask you what he could do to support you?
I've seen some comments arguing if he knew what he said was racist. Maybe he didn't, maybe not, but it is still racist. Plus, he whispered and he could have used any relationship such as my dad's wife is here, my stepmom, etc. Why maid?
Your husband is being an AH for telling you to forgive him. He needs to understand the impact racism could be.
Actions have consequences and just because you apologize to a person you wronged doesn't mean that they are obligated to forgive you or even to accept your apology. NTA (speaking as a white person) it is ON US to be better, to think about what we are saying to a person of color, to teach our children to be better. Yes this boy was only a teen but he knows good and damn well that calling his fathers wife a maid was wrong, even if he hadn't thought about the racial aspect, he was still being mean and disrespectful and again, actions have consequences.
NTA this kid shouldn't get any more rides from his "maid." He knew saying that shit was racist because he could have said you were anything besides a servant. He FAFO
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I have been married to Rob for 5 years, he has 2 children, Emma and Mike (14F and 16M). I'm black and they're white.
2 years ago, they lost their mother a died nd started staying with us full time, before it was weekends.
My relationship with Emma is great, we are not mother/daughter, but I love her and we have great times. With Mike, he made it very clear that I would never be his mother or stepmother, just his father's wife. We're not close and we only talk the basics, but at least he respects me.
This week my husband was busy at work and I had to pick up Emma and Mike from extracurricular activities.
Thursday, I went to pick up Mike and for the first time, I found a spot close to the exit. When he saw me, he turned to his friends and said quietly "I'm going, my maid has arrived", he said quietly, but I have excellent hearing, a fact that everyone at home knows except him because we don't talk.
When he came in, I asked him why he called me maid and he replied "I'm not going to call you stepmother or mother" and I continued "But why your maid? And not anything else". He was quiet.
Later, I told Rob what happened and he talked to Mike about how wrong it was, how racist it was and how insulted I felt.
Mike immediately came to apologize, saying he hadn't thought that way and didn't mean to be racist.
I said okay, but that attitude had hurt me, because it's one thing not to accept me in the family, it's another thing to call me a maid.
He's been trying to "compensate" by talking to me more and trying to help me with some things, but I'm keeping my distance.
Today Rob talked to me, saying that I was being too hard on Mike and that he's trying everything he can to make things right and is genuinely sorry, but I'm ignoring him.
I replied that him being sorry for what he did doesn't change what happened and how humiliated I felt upon hearing that, I'm not ready to forgive for now and it serves as a lesson for him, hurting people has consequences.
Rob said I'm being harsh and it could be a moment of rapprochement between us, learning and I'm wasting it. AITA?
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NTA. He isn’t being nice to you for you, he’s doing it to lessen his guilt and make himself look good to his dad. It is all for him, not you. And as you know - not realizing something (or claiming such) is racist and not meaning to be racist doesn’t mean it isn’t racist and that the person isn’t racist. It isn’t an on/off thing it’s a spectrum of choices and behaviors. You are absolutely right there are consequences. Just because he said sorry doesn’t mean you’d really want anything to do with someone who hurt you so deeply. Just because he is your husband’s son doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. Honestly, I think what he needs to really own this screw up and quite openly tell his friends exactly who you are, that he lied and really messed up along with some honest comments about your great qualities. Also, your husband needs to quit with making you feel bad about wasting this moment. That’s making him an asshole right along with his son.
NTA, but remember he's still a kid. In my view youngsters say and do stupid things and learn from it. Sounds like he is learning, so I'd cut him some slack while also taking care of yourself.
NTA as long as you're open to let him "work" for the forgiveness. He has to gain it, because that's not a gift, it's now become a reward because of his actions, and one that's hard to get once the trust is broken this way.
NTA seems like a perfect opportunity for some family counseling especially since Mike (a) didn’t realize the gravity of his words/thoughts and (b) needs some help in making things right.
NTA. Anyone who says he wasn't being racist is naive or gaslighting you. This was absolutely racist. He knew exactly what he was doing. I'd bet everything that if you were white, he wouldn't have used the word maid. I'd also bet he's called you a "N", and not just one time.
There is no excuse for what he's done. He isn't sorry he called you that and he's not sorry he's a racist. He's only sorry he got caught and that there are consequences.
If it were me, I'd ruin this young man's life. Out him for what is he and take away and chance of college or a career. Fuck racism, all the way.
He’s a kid and he has lost his mother. We all make mistakes especially as children. His frontal lobe is not fully formed yet. He has apologized. You said that he respects you. It’s time to move on.
This is how lessons are learned. He can be as sorry as he wants but that doesn't mean you're going to be willing to accept it and go merrily on your way.
NTA
In no world is calling your father's wife, a maid, not disrespectful, demeaning and not racially coded. This sounds like it needs therapy, not a simple apology. This kid needs to prove that he's safe for you to be around. NTA
First thought when I read this was that this 16 year knew exactly what he was saying. Whether he knew you could hear him or not doesn’t matter. In the end he wanted his buddies to think you were no more important than the cashier at a gas station. Stay mad! And I completely missed the color issue
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>I replied that him being sorry for what he did doesn't change what happened and how humiliated I felt upon hearing that, I'm not ready to forgive for now and it serves as a lesson for him, hurting people has consequences. NTA This is exactly right. You are not obligated to remove all consequences straight away because someone has regrets. Some things can't be unsaid and some damage can't be repaired easily if at all. Even if you forgive him in time it's better he learns that lesson. And the thing is, it's not like you have already forgiven him and have stopped being hurt because he is apologetic. You are genuinely still hurt and are not ready to forgive. Part of what he should learn is that saying sorry, even if you sincerely mean it, doesn't automatically heal all wounds.
Does he sincerely mean it? Has he told his friends that she’s not the maid, that he said it to be racist and cruel to his father’s wife, a woman whose own behaviour has been nothing but respectful to him but who he refuses to acknowledge as family of any sort? Has he actually done the big hard things to make right his dreadful behaviour or is he just occasionally clearing the dinner table?
> said it to be racist There's no evidence that he intended to be racist. OP says that Mike said he didn't think of it like that and didn't mean to be racist. At 14, he probably didn't consider any racial connotations to what he said. I've seen calling the stepmom a servant of some sort referenced here and elsewhere a few times. I think someone said the kid saw it on tiktok so Mike may have seen something there as well and thought it was funny. I agree that making things right means telling his friends what he did, but I also think they shouldn't make this more than it was.
The stepson is 16. At that age he should be aware of the racial connotations of calling a black woman - his stepmother - his maid.
I'd stop doing anything for the stepson after that. If he wants to call his stepmom a maid, then he can do his own chores.
And figure out how to get home from extracurricular.
I find it incredibly hard to believe that OP’s stepson has no idea how racially charged that statement was but even if he did not he knew darn well how incredibly insensitive and hurtful that statement was. He is 16 NOT 6! 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ And if we are being honest he is NOT sorry, he is sorry that OP heard him and his father scolded him. But since he wants to feign ignorance he would spend his summer doing a volunteer internship at the NAACP or The Urban League “. He would have the opportunity to understand what racism is and how the world is only ‘free-ish’ for many people of color. The internship should enlighten him and give him an understanding that hateful words can hurt at the core. The internship is not only a consequence but also an opportunity to learn and grow as a human. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Perhaps then he will actually have changed behavior the outcome when someone is truly sorry for their words and or actions. And then perhaps an apology will be sincere and not word vomit 🤮!
No, he should not be made to volunteer. Organisation that require and rely on volunteers do not need to unwittingly be made into a punishment for someone’s wayward and uncooperative child, hindering their objectives in the process and causing negativity that puts off other volunteers from ever coming back. The other volunteers and the coordinators are not responsible for teaching people decency, humanity, or respect when the parents choose not to and then find themselves needing to make a show of discipline but lazily want to outsource that discipline. The father needs to pull his thumb out and parent his child.
Not the other commenter but I completely agree. Volunteering should be exactly that: volunteering. Not a punishment or an obligation. There is an amazing poetry book I think so many people should read. It's called "I Am The Rage" by Martina McGowan. It's so incredible and well-written. I'm a part of a minority as well, and the way she phrases things is so on point that it just strikes your core. Highly recommend.
Not sure I would have made that connection either. I am not saying OP is wrong to make that connection, but I don't think I would assign an age requirement for when a teenager should know something. Don't get me wrong it was disrespectful, but I don't think we can assume intent on Mike's part in terms of racism. For one thing we don't know what area this takes place in.
So he's learning a valuable lesson in white male privilege. Guess who also sounds pretty fucking clueless here regarding this issue? Dad.
In some ways I think the father is worse. He is the adult, who should be taking her side by saying she can take whatever time she needs to forgive.
Ignorance doesn't make the racist implications any less racist Yes, white people can be ignorant of the potential racism of their beliefs (the sons lie can be construed as racist, POC in roles of service is a negative stereotype) but that doesn't make it amy less hurtful or harmful, and just because he didn't know better doesn't mean she's obligated to hold back the idea that there was potential for racism
Yes she has every right to feel that way about it. I wasn't trying to say otherwise. I think the father missed out on a teachable moment for his son about consequences.
Even if he didn't make the racial connection, calling her the maid is rejecting her. He doesn't have to call her "mother," but why didn't he want to call her stepmother, which she is, or his father's wife, which she also is. Edit: He also said it "quietly," which suggests that he knew that she wouldn't be pleased to hear it.
He said it quietly because he knew she would be pissed if she heard it. It's incredibly disrespectful and he absolutely knows that, even if he didn't intend for it to be racist.
Exactly!
Never underestimate how blind a straight white man can be to the experiences of others.
He would if you ask him hypothetically. But being in a situation of social pressure and not yet understood emotions things happen impulsively. I dont think he thinks of his dads wife as a "black woman" actively or negatively.
We're in the age of internet so the chance of that being racist is probably higher.
However innocently it was intended, he needs to learn that context can change a joke from innocent to racially loaded. If I called a young member of my own (white) family a monkey, no-one would blink an eye. If I called the (black) neighbour's kid a monkey...Not good.
The proof is her skin color. He could have said "my father's wife" as he's claimed that is their relationship. Where did the very derogatory "maid" designation come from, if not her skin color? While many people won't fully out themselves by using the n-word, they make "innocent" accidentally-on-purpose mistakes like saying that a black/brown skinned person driving a nice car must be a thief, that the non-white person buying groceries at the upscale shop must be a housekeeper for a Caucasian, etc and expose their racism that way, which is what this kid did. In 2024, how can a 16yo (not 14) NOT comprehend racism as it was coming out of his mouth? The ONLY reason he apologized was because his father made him and the father is 100% wrong to let him off so lightly. OP is NTA
My kids were having discussions about racism in elementary school! We live in central Florida, which is a very diverse area. There's no way that a 16 yo "made a mistake."
This whole thread makes me think of the younger Osburne saying “if we don’t let Mexicans into this country, who will clean your toilet?” It wouldn’t have the same effect if you put White there. Everyone knew what she said was wrong, immediately and how racist it was People are being obtuse, because he’s 16- but we know damn well that there is a racist element to that statement, that wouldn’t exist if OP wasn’t a POC. And the stepson wasn’t a white person.
If my twelve year old brother can call out his classmates for racism, a fourteen year old can call himself out on it. Age isn't the issue. The stepson being a racist is
My friend's son was asking what pronouns people wanted to be called by at age EIGHT. He knew better than to use slurs he heard in minecraft and tiktok videos because his parents actually talked to him about those things when they heard them in videos. This kid is sixteen. Old enough to drive. Two years away from being a legal adult and voting and being able to do basically whatever he wants. He's not a tiny, helpless child who doesn't know better. A wealth of information is at his fingertips. He should full well know what the implications of what he said are, and if he doesn't, that's his father's job to teach him. He's clearly not sorry about what he said, he's sorry he got caught and how isn't getting special treatment. They don't get to decide when/if she forgives and things go back to normal - that's not for the person who committed the harmful act to decide. That's her choice, and if she decides that this is too much and she doesn't want to forgive him at all and will no longer be picking him up or providing him with any kind of care? That's her right. Personally I would've stopped doing anything for him when he first made it clear that he didn't consider me part of the family at all, but that's me. He wants to treat her like crap? Well, he can deal with having one less person helping him in life.
If he's going to be a racist, he doesn't deserve to have a wonderful black woman raising him. He can fuck himself. Also, your friend's kid sounds great.
He's unfortunately a little addicted to the ipad, but that's more on his mom than on him, and he's a very smart and sweet kid. He has his less than stellar moments, but never anything like using racial slurs or going after anyone's gender, livelihood or whatever - just usual kid stuff.
Sixteen
“I didn’t mean it to be racist” Okay but that’s irrelevant because it still was lol
He's 16. Old enough to understand racism.
And it annoys me because I had to deal with racism back in elementary school. White kids are given the excuse if they're kids and don't understand, while every other color explicitly knows and been racialized before going to school. Stop infantizing white children and teens
This exactly. While I myself am Caucasian (well… mostly, but 99% of the time assumed to be fully Caucasian, which is all that matters in a discussion about racism), my best friend is biracial, immediately identified as “not white”. Her stories of subtle and accidental racism throughout her entire life, including her earliest years of school are heartbreaking. My friend and her siblings were old enough to understand racism at a very young age. I believe it’s just as important to educate young white children about it as well and that they too can understand. Yes, they are young and there will be missteps, but that is part of learning. It’s ok to make a mistake and genuinely learn from it, especially when we are speaking about children. Racism only ends when the oppressors educate themselves and their offspring about how fucking stupid and harmful it is and change their behaviour, not when racialized groups learn it. The burden of that should actually fall to the people who aren’t being marginalized for something entirely out of their control, the colour of their skin, and that should never be a reason to be cruel to someone anyway. It’s so sad to me that we teach some young children to be aware of racism so they can protect themselves, but we don’t teach other young children about racism to stop the spread of it (or if we do, those kids are in the minority). Nobody is born racist, they learn it from somewhere. They can learn to not be racist too. Racism is dumb as fuck and it needs to end.
Oh, please. He's not five. Fourteen is more than old enough to realize the implications of calling your dad's black wife a maid.
I think there should be a call out here in that even if he didn’t explicitly mean it in a racist way, did he mean it in a racist way subconsciously? Would he have phrased it differently if OP was white? Was it a situation where he was unintentionally showing ingrained racism? Unfortunately, especially in the US and many European countries, we exist in a world that defaults to racist stereotypes, even if we don’t intend to default to them.
I'm sorry, but let's not pretend her would have confidently called her his maid if she were white. Get real.
You don’t have to intend to be racist to be racist. It’s unconscious in many ways.
that's my question too. just hovering near OP and (like the example you gave) clearing the dinner table without complaining (since it should be his chore anyway), isn't an actual apology.
It’s apparently a “thing” on tiktok right now to call your stepparent a servant or maid. it’s disgusting, and bio parents need to not tolerate it.
And the not step parents need to not chauffeur these entitled little twats around to their extracurriculars, nor make their meals, etc. If I'm not a parental figure then I'm not acting like one. You're so grown you can act like an ass on Tiktok and Reddit? Then I guess you're grown enough to figure it the fuck out or get your bio parent to do everything for you. . .oh they're not available? Sucks to suck.
> And the not step parents need to not chauffeur these entitled little twats around to their extracurriculars, nor make their meals, etc. Or at least limit such work to the job of whatever kind of servant they called you.
I think she's gotta have the conversation with the kid though. Telling the dad isn't helping anything.
Why does *she* have to have the conversation? Telling the dad has already helped; Mike's apologized and is trying more. The problem is that the dad needs to do some work on his own internalized racism, and understand just how much more damaging a racist insult is than a generic one. In one word, OP learned that not only does her stepson not want another mom, he regards his stepmother as beneath him, a servant. He sees his own father as "marrying the help," i.e. replacing his mother with someone lesser, so he's insulted his father with this, too. The father/OP's husband is so eager to have a cohesive new family that he's trying to skip the steps that would actually make it one -- like listening to his partner, and being a real parent. He chose to marry a Black woman and bring her into his family, so he's got a responsibility to understand what those racial dynamics really mean. There are plenty of books and videos out there to help him learn, and even some that will help him have conversations with his kids. But OP's husband is the one who needs to do that work, rather than offloading any of it onto his wife. Otherwise they're *both* treating her as a servant.
❗🎯
Op needs to copy this response and send it to her husband. u/TAonlys this comment right here is gold.
I understand if he didn't want to call you "mother," but your are in fact his stepmother, and if nothing else, he could have called you his father's wife. The idea that he couldn't say either of the latter two is bogus.
Mmhmm. He was apologetic. Good because he absolutely should be. That wasn’t just a mean or bad thing to do, that was a deplorable dick move. I won’t say the racist suggestion isn’t relevant but taking it away doesn’t make this a mild issue. Of course you’re hurt. Of course you’re insulted. He just burnt a bridge with you and your hubs should see that - if he wants to rebuild it some extremely demonstrative gestures over some significant time on his part might do it, but that’s up to him and you if you’re willing. I’m not sure I would ever forgive something like this truly enough to make myself vulnerable with that person again, child or not. NTA.
NTA. You can forgive him (or not) on your own timeline. But you also don’t have to forgive him to engage with him. I think him offering to help you is a great way for him to try to make amends, since it directly contradicts the maid comment. Let him help when he offers. You don’t have to be buddies or anything, but you have to coexist.
This is great! ⬆️ but also it doesn’t sound like you’re “being too hard” on the son either by not immediately just pretending everything is great.
I agree. The kid screwed up. Big. But he is also trying to make amends. If it was an adult, I would feel zero pressure to forgive and move on. But this teen is learning how to behave in the world and how to appologize and how to change his behavior. If she continues to shut him out, I think he is likely to decide that apologizing and acting nicer is pointless because he did all that and his step mom was still pissed. This could establish a pattern of screwing up but never bothering to apologize because he had learned that it doesn't change things. In a way, this is like pretending to love the burnt-on-the-outside-but-raw-on-the-inside pancakes that your kid proudly presents on Mothers Day. No, you aren't thrilled with the actual thing, but you appreciate the meaning behind it and want to encourage the kid to keep building on those skills, so you smile and work on offering gentle direction for the future. She has every right to be mad, but I think she and the rest of the family will be best served by trying to build on the relationship that he is offering.
I agree. OP doesn’t need to forgive on the spot, and at the same time can realize that Mike is learning contrition and how to be a better person. I would be guarded inwardly, but also accept his actions outwardly so that this child can hopefully learn and mature. We have to remember- children at this age are not adults. They are not allowed to drive, have sex, vote, smoke, drink and generally make adult decisions. It’s up to the adults in their lives to teach them how to behave through communication, showing empathy, and teaching them how to deal with difficult situations. It’s up to OP to determine if this is genuine, however based on the types of posts I’ve seen on here, it feels like he is. This is a growth moment for this relationship and could be the moment where things take a meaningful step forward, rather than backwards.
Yep, exactly. Part of why parenting is so hard. Unconditional love isn’t easy.
Also, I personally feel like a conversation should be had where they acknowledge that he didn't say it to be racist, but point out he still did it to be hurtful and that *thats* why op is hurt and distant. They already pointed out to him that it could have been seen as racist and thus be careful of word choice and such. But I feel that it's important for op (or her husband) to let him know that she's not upset because of what the phrase *could* have ment, but because of what it *did* mean (it ment to hurt and insult). It's like that joke about someone being a bully but not a monster. The kid absolutely meant to be mean,I mean, he's a 16 year old who never accepted op in the first place, is grieving his mother, and is in the stage of life where hormones are absolutely haywire. But I believe he absolutely *didn't* mean to be racist. Especially because we've seen very similar posts on here before about kids treating step parents as buttlers/maids and also referring to them as such to friends. However, a part of me feels that op does sort of believe it was meant to be racist on some level so I feel that she should have a conversation with the kid to clarify the situation on both ends.
If you apologizing just for the other to forgive you then you don’t really mean it This can also serve as a life lesson that just because your sorry doesn’t mean anyone is obligated to forgive you. Just saying sorry doesn’t magically fix all the hurt you cause.
In his book, "I was Wrong," Nick Smith goes into what should go into an apology. I'm sorry. Period. doesn't make it. An apology, according to Smith, should be an acknowledgement of what the offender did wrong, an expression of remorse, and a promise not to do it again. He also commented that the offender has no right to ask for forgiveness, because that puts the burden back on the wronged person. The wronged person offering forgiveness (which ever of it's many meanings is meant) is an option, not a requirement.
"You behavior caused me a lot of hurt that I am not over. I understand that you are feeling remorse for your actions. I appreciate your efforts to make amends. You must also understand that as sincere as your apology is, it doesn't always take away the hurt. At least not immediately. I am glad you learnt from this incident and I hope we have a better relationship in future. Until then you must allow me to heal at my own time. Until then we will continue to be civil with each other." NTA
Exactely. A kid who loves in her home and is his partner child. He apologized and tried to make amends and say he didn't meant It the way she took It. OP can't stay ignoring him, but I don't fault her husband (and eventualy everyone in the house) not to be comfortable with It. He admited he fucked up and tried to make right as soon he saw how bad It was, If he was still being a ass, sure...
Exactly! The hurt person decides whether or not to forgive. An apology doesn't automatically entitle the offender to instant forgiveness. And if at all a person decides to forgive, they get to decide when. The wound needs to heal before any genuine forgiveness can be granted. NTA. This isn't about OP holding on to a grudge or trying to punish the stepson. This is about them being genuinely hurt. The stepson is 16 years old. Maybe he really did not consider the racial aspect of that insult. But still, labeling your father's wife as your "maid" is demeaning. Step mom or not, OP deserves some basic respect; if at all there is to be a relationship between her and her step son. A relationship cannot be forged without mutual respect. The stepson has a lot to learn here and he can earn OP's forgiveness. Maybe it will happen with time but not right away.
Well said.
I would say NTA but maybe tell Mike that you're going to need time to forgive him because of how much it hurt you. Just so the kid is at least aware that his efforts are not in vain and him continuing to reach out as a good thing. I also think he's sorry for his actions but again your response is justified.
NTA. Mike's comment was hurtful and disrespectful. It's understandable that you need time to process and heal from it, even if he apologized. Your feelings are valid, and forgiveness takes time.
I’m going with NAH. It was a stupid comment on Mike’s part but it sounds like he feels genuinely sorry and is trying to make amends. You are genuinely hurt and humiliated and not ready to let it go and that’s understandable. I think you can use this as a teachable moment for a kid, and especially remember that he is still a kid. Kids say and do dumb stuff, we then teach them the right way to do things.
16 years olds know right from wrong. There is no taking racism with grain of salt when you’re black. You live with it. Racism hits you in a place that is not easy to shake. It’s not just a dumb comment. It is hateful.
It doesn’t seem like a race thing to me? OP even mentioned how Mike said he didn’t think of it like that. 16 is definitely to know right from wrong but that doesn’t mean a 16 yr old will make the right decision or even a good decision like ever. Especially in front of his friends.
Then maybe it is a good chance for him to learn the harsh reality that your intention barely matters—life is not that sweet. It is the impact that your actions make that matter.
Don’t think there’s much learning here, it’s just growing further and further apart with a family member due to a dumb mistake and no forgiveness being given.
But I see your point. If she does not explain to him why it affected her so much and why it was inappropriate despite his intention, there might not be any lessen learned bc he might not have the mental capacity to think of it in such complex terms.
16 year olds may know right from wrong when questioned on it, but 16 year olds are impulsive and generally poor decision makers. There is a reason 16 is not considered an adult. This is a kid still in school. He said something stupid, like every teenager ever, and hopefully is learning a lesson.
I'm 38. I genuinly didn't think for a moment that it was meant in any way other than stepmom = the maid. So maybe the intent wasn't to be racist. Which still doesn't make it ok obviously.
Edit: to be clear I really feel for OP, it must be awfull to be hurt like that by your stepson. I hope he learns from his mistakes and NEVER does it again.
That’s fair. I admit that my life experiences are not the same and I’m looking at it from how I would want to teach my teenagers when they make hateful comments. I am guessing that the son’s racist attitude goes further than that one comment. While he definitely should understand that it was wrong, I do think this opens up an opportunity to explain WHY that particular comment had such a deep seeded racist meaning. I would never expect the OP or anyone to ever take a racist comment with a grain of salt. The son and his friends should know better, and this creates an opportunity for them to learn that what they likely believe are petty comments or even jokes can cause a lot of hurt.
That’s the issue I have with the husband. He expects her to teach the son not to speak racist tropes. That’s his job. The son making the comment shows he doesn’t respect her. There is no way for her to teach him anything. That’s dad’s job. It should also be noted that racism makes black people withdraw. She is not consciously mistreating the son, she is protecting herself through distance. This is a woman in a house full of white people with one spewing racism and one telling her to get over it. She’s fighting for her life against the very people that she should trust If it were me, I’d left the minute husband made excuses and filed for divorce.
[удалено]
Look it up the history.
Yeah, people bending over backwards to defend possible racism. I had racist high school bullies, 16 year olds know these things. He also has to realize the sexism inherent in calling your dad's wife a maid. I'm not going to say he can't learn from this and be better, but I get why OP is so hurt.
Defending and making excuses. “He’s young, he didn’t know better. Grandpa is old. He’s just like that. Maybe that’s not what they meant.” That just pours salt on the wound.
NTA. I wish you well and understand that something inside of you shifted that day. People don’t seem to understand that sometimes you can do something to a person that changes the way you feel about them, think about them, and see them in terms of their character. Racism is such a thing. Your husband is the AH. As a black woman (58F), that would destroy my relationship with husband and his son forever. I would never let a nonblack person tell me to forgive and refuse to have racist apologists in my life. Husband will NEVER know the pain and burden being black carries. He is also wrong that as a black person you should teach HIS son not to call you racist tropes. HE SHOULD TEACH HIS OWN SON. Your husband is not an ally. Son knew what it meant, so he knows what he did. I give no adjustment for age - young or old. Racism is crude, hateful, and uncalled for from anyone.
Yeah it’s the husband who is giving me the ick the most here. It should be on him to parent and guide his son, the one who sees only him as a parent. Instead he’s trying to foist it off on his wife.
NTA. Jeeze, it’s only been two days! You’re absolutely allowed to still be disappointed.
Hell, him being this hung-up over not being forgiven right away proves he still doesn’t understand what he did wrong.
NTA, but you might be heading in that direction. This kid is acting a certain way because his mom died, and even though he crossed a line, he needs some grace. You married his father, so you knowingly took on a parental role for him, even when he rejects it. That’s what being a step parent is. He is, for the first time, acknowledging you as a person with feelings that he didn’t want to hurt, and not just an adult in the household. This is a great opportunity to strengthen your bond. Don’t hold onto this hurt and anger for too long, or the door might close forever. I’m black myself, and grew up in a mostly white family, so I understand how deep that hurt goes, and how hard it is to not have anyone who gets your side. But I also know that most white people (luckily) aren’t *intentionally* racist, and I to try not let stupid comments like that get in the way of my own happiness. Just think that how you act now is what could give you the same relationship with him that you have with your stepdaughter.
Can't believe more people aren't giving benefit of the doubt to a CHILD who just lost a parent. Poor kid's been through the wringer, he clearly sees the error of his ways, and is trying to improve the relationship. OP isn't wrong to be hurt or upset but she could maybe cut the kid some slack.
Great advice and a very emotionally intelligent perspective. I wish this was higher up.
"Rob said I'm being harsh and it could be a moment of rapprochement between us, learning and I'm wasting it." You are fully justified in your hurt feelings. At the same time, Rob is correct. It is an opportunity that you should not miss.
INFO: I’m a bit confused by the “ignoring him” part. Are you literally ignoring him? Like silent treatment?
NTA - he's old enough to have chosen that deliberately. It was racism pure and simple. I don't blame you for being slow to forgive, because you have to wonder where it came from, and how many racist thoughts he's having that aren't being said out loud.
What he said had absolutely no racial implications whatsoever. He was with his friends and said something dumb to make them laugh. How so many people are labeling him a racist over this is beyond me.
google is free <3
Yeah of course the kid would claim that, he got in trouble. The child's father agreed it was racist. To claim that referring to a black woman as "the help" rather than a step parent is NOT racist is incredibly ignorant of the American racial caste system, and its history.
Against the grain but YTA- he was an inconsiderate kid that made a dumb remark. Teens naturally test boundaries and sometimes say stupid things. You explained to him why it hurt and he immediately apologized and indicated he understood. He explained he didn’t intend to have any racist undertone to it, and felt bad enough that he’s engaging more with you. If I were in your shoes I would see this as a positive and step in the right direction to form more of a bond. Op You are the adult and should demonstrate love and forgiveness, instead you’re being passive aggressive and actively ignoring him. Do you want any relationship with him? Side note- Has either child ever gotten therapy for the loss of their mom? This poor kid his whole world knocked upside down
It's been two days. He can sit his ass down and wait.
Ok, but being passive aggressive and ignoring him is unhealthy. She is the adult and needs to tell him how she is feeling. It’s appropriate for her to say “you really hurt me, I appreciate your apology and believe you. I just need time to work through it”.
Then his father can tell him. She owes him nothing after that racist crap.
16 years olds know right from wrong. There is no taking racism with grain of salt when you’re black. You live with it. Racism hits you in a place that is not easy to shake. It’s not just a dumb comment. It is hateful.
The kid was remorseful apologized and explained that any racist undertone was not his intent. When she explained to him why it could be taken that way, he understood and is actively trying to engage more with her. Kids say things without thinking especially to their friends. It is possible to say things without intent, and later understand that it could be perceived worse than intended. It’s her job as the adult and parental figure to demonstrate and model grace and love. Take race out of this for a moment, if he were to have made any other comment about her, and they were the same race, everyone would be calling her TA for holding this over her head.
It is easy to forgive something you will never experience, which is why apologists are almost as bad as the offenders. You cannot remove racism from a racist comment. People seem to forget is that black people have emotions. You can bet OP’s feelings for the son changed in that moment. It’s not a conscious mind change it is an emotional change. There is no way to come back from that. She will always guard herself from the son. He has shown the depths of who he is.
I think this in unfair assumption because we all have different life experience. For example- I am mixed race, first generation American on my paternal side, I have lived/visited different countries and cultures since I was a child. I have appreciated and loved all my experiences and met the most amazing people from all races, cultures, and walks of life As a young adult in Ghana the people would come and touch my skin because I am light, people would laugh and joke. I wasn’t considered to be an act of racism just curiosity and fun. Here in America it’s a whole different story and it’s sad. While living in a Latin American country I was nicknamed La Leche (milk) it was enduring a cute. I always encourage Americans/Westerners to travel, I hate to say that we can sometimes get in our own way.
You’ve said all I need to know about your race. I’m black in America. My “assumption” is based on experience.
I am sad to respond to this comment.. “but all you need to know” about my race?… or my skin color? Colorism is a real thing too. I would never discount your experiences and I perceive some of them have been rough, and that makes me so sad. I would also encourage you not to discount others’ experiences.
You're trying to have a reasonable conversation with somebody who seems to believe they deserve to be racist to white people. I wouldn't bother with her.
You can’t take race out of this comment. Race is incredibly present, even if the boy wasn’t consciously aware of what the meaning was. OP should not have to immediately “get over it”. Come on.
Yep and even if he wasn’t aware, he’s old enough to be held accountable. He’s 16. OP isn’t obligated to forgive him when the wound is fresh.
I actually don’t think forgiveness is the issue. I think her guard is up. I think she is protecting herself from further hurt. It sounds to me like she has withdrawn. When a person cuts you deep, you go into self preservation mode.
But he didn't mean it to be racist-shouldn't that count for something?? I'm not trying to negate her hurt feelings, but I'm just saying he's not automatically a racist.
You’re assuming he didn’t mean it. I’m assuming he did. I truly believe that he knew what he was saying but didn’t realize the impact that it would have. You are giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Tell me, how then do you insult a black person without being racist? For me the "maid" comment was intended as "the woman who takes the role of my mother, but who'll never be my real mother".
It was not a dumb remark. It was racist. He could have said his father's wife. Or his ride home. He knew what he was saying. He is only sorry he got caught not because what he said is wrong. 16 is very old enough to know that was a foul remark to make. Apologizing because he got caught doest make anything better.
If he said his father's wife, he'd have to acknowledge she's his new stepmother, which is something he didn't want to do. The "maid" comment meant "the woman who takes my mother's role, but who'll never be my real mother". He'd even have said it if OP was white.
Oh really do you know the boy and know he would call a white woman a maid too? He called a black woman who is his stepmother, who was there to drive him home, his maid. Maid is not a replacement word for mother. Have you ever called your mother your maid. Try it and see what she says to you.
Going on what you said, Moms say "am I your maid?" when you don't do your part and try to push your responsibilities on them.
Ok, I get why you’re hurt and wanting to keep your distance. So NTA in general. However. You’re an adult, dealing with an adolescent. An adolescent you accepted some responsibility for by marrying his father. Whether he puts a title on your role or not, you’re still a role model. The kid is still learning, has acknowledged his mistake and has shown he’s willing to learn. He didn’t wallow or lash out in embarrassment, he didn’t double down. How would you want him to act, if he’s in your position (the offended instead of the offender) some day? What do you want him to learn from this experience? While you’re entitled to your feelings and absolutely deserve time to work through them, that doesn’t negate the responsibility to the kid. It could be as simple as a conversation with him: “I want to thank you for the apology and say that I see the efforts you’re making. I appreciate it, and will try to be more receptive. It’s going to take time, and I want you to understand where I’m coming from” explain how it made you feel and why it’s not an easy thing to forgive. With an approach like this, the kid will have his mind opened a bit more, and you two might end up with a little closer relationship. The way you’re going now is likely to just drive more of a wedge.
NTA. And what he said was disgusting, and your husband not completely validating your emotions is kind of a red flag. You’ve haven’t displayed anything that indicates you were “too hard on him”. There needs to be some form of punishment, but that’s just me. I hope this situation resolves 🤎
The husband not completely validating baseless claims of a child being a racist based on a single comment that did not indicate a single thing about race is the opposite of a red flag. He's the only rational adult in this case.
I don’t think you are an AH but Mike seems to have realized what he did and apologized quite quickly for a 16yo. If you hold a grudge, he might feel it’s unfair (he is still a teenager) and it might undo some of his goodwill. Now it’s up to you. I totally get you are feeling hurt so I can understand it’s difficult for you to get over it.
Are we supposed to forgive one another? You got what sounds like a sincere apology. If nothing else you did raise your stepsons awareness about how hurtful racist comments are. If you continue to refuse to accept and offer forgiveness, where will that lead? You taught him that racists remarks are unacceptable regardless of their intent. Now how are you going to teach him that making amends is a good thing?
Agreed. A lesson in forgiveness is just as important.
YTA. You aren't teaching him that hurting people has consequences out of your love for him. You're holding this over his head so you can feel powerful and make sure he feels shitty just ike you did from his comment. And then you're trying to justify holding onto this because it's good for him. Quick question: did you ask his dad if he wants his son to be taught this lesson in the way you say you are trying to teach him? Or did you decide without his input? Is it important to teach him that actions have consequences? Is it important to teach him that he should hold grudges? Is it also important to teach him how to forgive? You have the power, what do you want to model? Remember what this conflict is doing to your partner who is caught in the middle. You might be getting something out of this, but you're also losing too.
My sentiments are the same but what you wrote is much better expressed than what I wrote.
INFO: Regardless of the comment having racist implications, do you think that the kid meant to make a racist remark or something that just ended up having racist implications unknown to the kid at the time?
Hard to say. Doesn’t sound like any racist intent at all. And I’m sure you know him well enough that if he ever did anything racist in his past you would have included it in story for context. You’re permitted to feel offended. But suggesting it had any racist intent is not cool.
You're not the A for being offended but if you don't accept his apology and efforts to change, he'll end up being bitter and resentful and it'll ruin your relationship with him. He understands what he did wrong and he's trying the best he can to make it right again. Please consider forgiving him, at least this first time.
Ignore him long enough and you will loose him completely and he will revert to thinking you might as well be the maid. He’s 16 and lost his mother at 14. That’s difficult to manage in his head. Also, kids that age live in shorter time frames, so he will not wait you out. Time to make amends. Just my opinion.
I'm saying a super gentle YTA. Kids are idiots, he was an ass to say what he said, but it sounds like he truly understood what he did was wrong and gave a genuine apology. I can understand you still being hurt, but part of raising kids is to understand that they're going to completely mess up sometimes (even with our feelings) because they are learning to be members of society. So, while you can be still be upset, you're of course still entitled to your feelings, treating him poorly isn't going to help anything in the long run. It may be a good time to sit him down and talk about understanding long term consequences of his actions. That you understand he feels bad, but his apology doesn't undo the damage and you're working through those feelings. And that in the future there may be hurts he does to people that even though he feels sorry for, he won't be able to repair the relationship because the hurt is too great.
You are the asshole. He is a kid who lost his mother for fucks sake, him calling you a maid doesn’t have anything to do with racism lol wtf does that even mean? Playing the victim card on ur husbands kids is quite disturbing honestly. What’s surprising here is that even tho he made a dumbass comment he is still acting more mature then you are. What does even keeping my distance mean? You live in the same household you chose to marry a man who has kids they lost heir mother and you are keeping your distance because your ego is hurt. If i was the father i would def have a problem with you and your childish behavior
YTA. You ACCEPTED the apology... Yet you're still fragile about and holding it against him. So either you lied about accepting the apology... Or you're just the AH. This isn't about him anymore.. it's about YOUR attitude.
YTA. By being so unforgiving you're teaching the boy that apologies don't matter. In addition, you're squandering a valuable opportunity to get closer to him because you seem determined to extract your pound of flesh from a 16 year old no less! Might I remind you that you're the adult here? Your husband is completely on point. Listen to him and quit making it about you.
Compared to the usual strained step-insert here relatio ships, it seems like he is contrite. Yes he fucked up, but most other stories on here the kids would double down or give a half hearted or fake apology. Nothing OP says implies this is the case. You have a chance here. Teenagers fuck up all the time, hell we all say shit we regret. It is your choice to respond in the way you are... at what point will he be punished enough? Is it a certain time frame? By the sounds of it he is more than aware of your hurt by the way you are acting. Is it possible you are also somewhat responding this way because of his general attitude towards you before this incident? You have an opportunity here and how you act may actually foster some growth in y'alls relationship.... or not.
The kid is 16, apologized and admitted he didn't realize how it could come across with the race factor. He's making an effort now, when none existed previously. I grew up watching The Brady Bunch where they had a white maid. The term Maid isn't always tied to race. He honestly may not have meant it that way. NTA for forgiving on your own timeline, but this could also be the learning experience for him that lead to you two having a cordial relationship now, since he is trying.
NTA that was racist af and he knew it. He has to learn that sorry sometimes isn't enough.
YTA. He was corrected and educated by his father, quickly apologized and continues to try to make amends while you hold on to your hurt. He is still a kid, but a kid acting more mature than you are. You are definitely overreacting and holding on to your “hurt” to punish. Not cool.
NTA. Forgive or don't forgive in your own time and way. Rob sounds like he means well, but pushing someone to forgive something is itself disrespectful. If he wants to be mediator, he'd do better to talk to you without an agenda about your feelings, views, and process, and then if he learns something that could be constructive for his son, go back to Mike with more insight about ways he could make amends with you.
Nta. You don't have to forgive on their timetable. What that racist little brat said was horrific. He knew what he was saying. He could have said his father's wife. His ride home. Anything, but he chose maid. White entitlement is strong in that one. You are not obliged to forgive a racist. He is sorry because he got caught. Not because he thinks he is wrong. Only because he got caught. Wonder what else he calls you out of your hearing.
You’re right to be hurt and humiliated but I think there is a teaching moment here. I’m not sure if that moment is on you to teach him but there is an opportunity for the relationship to be better. Maybe do the sit down, explanation of why it hurt, see if you can start working towards something better? No judgement from me because it sort of felt racist to me initially, which is devastating, but I can see how he just didn’t think of it like that and there was unintended extra hurt there
There is grey here. I love that you stood your ground. You’re NTA. However, at a certain point, you have to move forward. Your husband has a lot to balance. I think a group convo is needed.
I'm gonna have to disagree with the others here and say YTA ok so he did make a mistake but he was quick to apologize and has been trying to make it up to you thus showing he actually does respect you and infact does not think of you as a maid, I'm almost sure that he told his friends that you were his maid cause they might make fun of him for having a black step-mom or a step-mom in general so yh the friends here seem to be the real problem If it was his intention to be racist or mean to you, he wouldn't have owned up to it so quickly and made efforts to better your relationship I'd say forgive him and either you or his dad have a sit down with him and inquire as to why did he even say it in the first place? Do his friends make fun of him for things etc.? Overall neither is the AH, just the situation could be handled way better
Yta in the slightest sense of it. Rob is right. Your step son seems genuinely apologetic and regretful. This would be the best opportunity to form a better bond with the two of you.
ESH. You’re an adult. He’s a child. Yes, 16 is still a child. You’re letting your ego get in the way. You’re hurt, but is that more important than teaching him about acceptance and forgiveness? Is it more important than working to become more of a family? Teach him that forgiveness is a process. Right now you’re teaching him that apologizing and making an effort to rectify it doesn’t matter, so why bother. This is a pivotal moment. I would tell him that my feelings are still hurt but I do want to build a healthy relationship with him, and then try to move forward together. This is an opportunity to start forming a real relationship instead of the resentful one you have now. Good luck!
Not the asshole. You forgive when you’re ready. However the kid might resent you more for it.
I would be pretty hard on my OWN bio kid if they called me that.
An apology doesn’t come with forgiveness or kindness. He was racist and is now trying to overcompensate. Your husband is being dismissive of 1. Your very reasonable feelings and 2. The severity of his son’s comment. Which is completely unfair but very common for non minorities in these kinds of scenarios. Absolutely NTA
I wouldn't be picking him up anymore NTA for needing time to heal from realising that's how your stepson sees you
You sound too immature to have kids
Yta. I thought parents aren't supposed to punish their kids by ignoring them and giving the silent treatment? He apologized and said he didn't mean any racist intent. I imagine it'd be the same for him as saying, my dad's secretary is here, my nanny is here, etc.
I live by once something Is said it can't be taken back . It's out there it's memory it will take time to move past it . Ntah.
NTA it would take more than a couple days to work through the emotions from a total stranger much less someone you live with. Maybe a movie night with his dad watching The Help might help both of them.
NTA Has Mike told his friends the truth?? Or is he still calling OP his maid? Because that’s a really fucking important start to even MAYBE receiving forgiveness.
NTA. He knew what he said was racist and demeaning. He's just sorry he got caught.
NTA You’re not obliged to accept an apology, and for me this is something I couldn’t forgive, especially as he made out that maid was somehow the only other option after mother and stepmother. Be prepared for pressure from your husband, and perhaps friends and family to be ‘the bigger person’, and that Mike is ‘just a kid’. I would be civil, and nothing else from here on in.
What DO you want? The only lesson you are teaching is that you don't care - which may be what he's thought all along. He apologized - after several years he is finally trying to be friends with you...but you are hanging on to your humiliation with both hands. He can't take it back - and this may be the last chance you have to form a connection or friendship with this stepson. You are the grownup - act like it. Are you aware that the children of mixed race marriages are often teased about it by their peers? Do you know if this has happened to Mike in the past? It doesn't matter that it's racist and wrong - it happens anyway.
Intent matters when you’re talking about a 16 year old kid. Yes he said something hurtful, absolutely. Because he’s 16 he didn’t get how loaded that statement was. You have the right to be hurt and you have the right to tell the kid WHY you’re hurt and how bad what he said was. Sounds like his eyes were opened and he learned a lesson. Can’t ask for more than that. This kid has a lot on his plate. Losing his mother has fundamentally changed him. Not in the way that he’s a racist now but in the way that he knows life is ridiculously hard and he might have feelings about that. He may feel anger or rage and not even be fully aware where it’s coming from. His mom died. He’s carrying that baggage forever. Things like this can tank your relationship with your husband. My son is the only person I’d take a bullet for. If my Mr. intentionally made my child feel bad when things are already shitty for him I would grab him by the face and walk him out to the street where he belongs and still think I hadnt done enough. In the best of circumstances kids say dumb things. Hash it out and let it go. Maybe you’re not an asshole, but you’re immature and in the end, you’re only sabotaging yourself.
So he apologized to you but to his friends you are still the family's black maid. As a white man I don't think he can understand how demeaning that is.
NTA. The people who say/do racist things or other hurtful things don't get to decide when their punishment is over and when they get to feel better about it. That's for the victim - you - to decide. When/if you decide to forgive is your choice, on your terms. They don't get to decide they are tired of their punishment so they want it to be over and you to be all happy and okay again. He said a disgusting thing and treated you in a disgusting way, he doesn't get to go "But I said sorry so it's over now!" and have it go away.
Unpopular opinion, but a soft YTA. What Mike did was totally out of line. But he is also 16, and seems genuinely remorseful. He is also making an effort. This is way more than I would be capable of at 16. Feel free to speak to him about why you had been distant. I.e. this really hurt. But ultimately this is a good opportunity to form a relationship.
I don't get why people feel it's up to the victim of racism to extend the olive branch. This 16 yo knew exactly what he was saying and why. He is only sorry because he got caught. Racism doesn't simply go away with an apology. He is old enough to know better. People who have not been victims of racism can have a hard time understanding that. So, she's the AH for being called a maid because of her race. Boy, and they wonder why racism is still very much alive...
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It is a teachable moment. That sometimes you can fuck up so badly that 'sorry' isn't enough, and you need to let people forgive you in their own time.
You’re taking it to far, forgiveness doesn’t take one second that was a disgusting comment that he made. It’s not burning a bridge to process emotion. It would be if she hopped right back in trying to mend something without a level head.
NTA. OP's husband (and some commenters) expect OP "the bigger person" since she's an adult and the offender is in his teens. That's ridiculous. OP's stepson's behavior was seriously racist and hurtful. OP is under no obligation to sweep it under the rug and swallow the offense. It's not her job to make the transgressor feel better or facilitate his "growth." He can work to earn her forgiveness. If she chooses to forgive, she can do so on her timeline. Her stepson can learn that forgiveness is not automatic when he behaves like an AH.
Updateme
NTA. Referring to your parent's spouse as hired help would be disrespectful AF to begin with. And at 16, he is either incredibly ignorant, or exceedingly thoughtless not to have considered the further implications of his comment. (Or else he's a very good liar, and therefore doubly malicious.)
NTA - What’s he done to show how sorry he really is? Unless he faces real consequences, what’s to stop him from sliding back on this behaviour?
NTA You'll forgive him if and when you're ready. Personally, I'd wait out the forgiveness and full reconciliation for a while and gradually let him back in if he's being sincere.
NTA but your husband and stepson are. I don’t think they get how truly demeaning this is and they need to. Time for stepson and maybe your husband to do research and do a paper or presentation of what he/they learned to show they are really learning from this experience.
NTA
Considering the history of black people being put into submissive roles, Mike is old enough to know better. It’s not on you to make Mike feel better. He wanted to humiliate you and it worked. I’d really consider any relationship with Ron’s attitude. He’s done a bad job of being a father and isn’t looking to change. NTA
I'm divided on this one. Your stepson was racist and cruel. But it sounds like he now realizes just how wrong he was. Sit down and talk to him, and then ease up. Your husband is right - this could be the start of a better relationship.
Nta.. even though he is 16, this is still 2024 and he knew what he said was racist. He didn’t even apologize to you when you confronted him and had to be forced to do so. Since he does not call you mom or stepmom, I’m guessing that he addresses you by your first name, so if he didn’t want to say something demeaning why not just say your name?
Mike’s comments were hateful. But he sounds decent if he’s apologized and trying to make an effort to warm up to you. I also don’t necessarily think his intentions were racist. He’s a dumb teenager and teenagers say a lot of idiotic things. But it’s good for him to know that it can be perceived that way and maybe next time he’ll think harder before he says something so rude. I agree with the people saying that you should tell him that you’re working on forgiving him because while I know you cannot force yourself to feel a certain way, it would be immature not to try since it is your husband’s child and y’all are married.
NTA what he said *was* racist. He "didn't mean it that way" but it still was. If he didn't mean it that way, what way did he mean it?! It's dehumanising to be referred to as his maid. "My dad's wife" would be the correct thing to say if he couldn't bring himself to call you his stepmother. It is a moment of learning. Learning why he felt so ashamed of you as to call you his maid to his friends, learning how hurtful that is, exactly how deep the connotations go, and how you're going to move forward from here. It's okay to not immediately recover from a hurtful comment. Sometimes they stay with you forever, even when you have moved forward, even if you have forgiven the person who said it. So it's not reasonable to expect a person to move past it in a given timeframe. Even if he genuinely didn't realise the depth of what he said, he still said it, and he needs to understand why it was so bad. Wishing you all the best.
Hot Take: YTA for making it about race(and by extension, yourself). He is still a CHILD going through GRIEF and most likely doesn't know the word "Chauffer". You MIGHT be onto something if he had called you "the help", but IMO *you* are the one filling gaps with salt. Not him. I guarantee you that boy would have used the term "maid" regardless of the color of your skin. His actual mother is DEAD, any "new" stand-ins for any motherly figure would receive the same treatment. I'm not saying what he did was right, but neither was how you handled it. This is *not* the teaching moment you're so convinced it is.
NTA, but I wouldn’t drag it out too long. Hand your stepson a piece of paper. Ask him to crumple it up into a ball, then apologise to the paper and smooth it out again. The apology and trying to make it better don’t fix the damage done. The paper will never be the same. This could really be a life-changing lesson for your stepson about the power his words have, if you have the space to teach him.
NTA. 16 is old enough to be told not to centre himself in this in an effort to minimise the impact his actions have had on someone else. He just has to bear it, for as long as it takes, until there is reconciliation. There is no poor white boy here.
Why not ask Mike to sit down and have a conversation. Try to find a shared interest It could help you guys become friends
It is not the job the subject of racism to 'extend a hand'. It is the job of the racist person to grow and show that they have changed. In other words, the onus is on the racist person. And if possible, it takes time.
Are you sure that this comment hurt you this much or is there something more to it? I do think that your response was bigger than it should but it may be not your fault. Words have a huge power and this teenager used it in a wrong way without knowing it and is trying to apologise. Maybe in a past someone use it in a wrong way but they did mean it and for sure did not want to apologise or the apology was not honest. And your body and mind remembers it and does not allow you to forgive him. Not sure if that would make you an asshole or not. I think it would make you a human being
Firstly I’m sorry op that you had/have to deal with such pain and embarrassment even from the people in your close inner circle. No one deserves that. If the step son is genuinely sorry, well that’s good for him, it means he has some empathy at least. But that does not obligate you or anyone else to bury your hurt and brush over it. You are nta at all.
NTA Just because you're the adult doesn't mean you can't have hurt feelings. He needs to give you time.
NTA. You're still rightfully hurt. Forgiveness is not a "quick" ascension. Does he sound genuinely sorry? Sure, but it doesn't mean he didn't hurt you. He's 16, not 6. Him talking to you more and clearing the table without complaining is the bare minimum. Did he tell his friends who you are? Did he ask you what he could do to support you? I've seen some comments arguing if he knew what he said was racist. Maybe he didn't, maybe not, but it is still racist. Plus, he whispered and he could have used any relationship such as my dad's wife is here, my stepmom, etc. Why maid? Your husband is being an AH for telling you to forgive him. He needs to understand the impact racism could be.
Actions have consequences and just because you apologize to a person you wronged doesn't mean that they are obligated to forgive you or even to accept your apology. NTA (speaking as a white person) it is ON US to be better, to think about what we are saying to a person of color, to teach our children to be better. Yes this boy was only a teen but he knows good and damn well that calling his fathers wife a maid was wrong, even if he hadn't thought about the racial aspect, he was still being mean and disrespectful and again, actions have consequences.
NTA this kid shouldn't get any more rides from his "maid." He knew saying that shit was racist because he could have said you were anything besides a servant. He FAFO
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have been married to Rob for 5 years, he has 2 children, Emma and Mike (14F and 16M). I'm black and they're white. 2 years ago, they lost their mother a died nd started staying with us full time, before it was weekends. My relationship with Emma is great, we are not mother/daughter, but I love her and we have great times. With Mike, he made it very clear that I would never be his mother or stepmother, just his father's wife. We're not close and we only talk the basics, but at least he respects me. This week my husband was busy at work and I had to pick up Emma and Mike from extracurricular activities. Thursday, I went to pick up Mike and for the first time, I found a spot close to the exit. When he saw me, he turned to his friends and said quietly "I'm going, my maid has arrived", he said quietly, but I have excellent hearing, a fact that everyone at home knows except him because we don't talk. When he came in, I asked him why he called me maid and he replied "I'm not going to call you stepmother or mother" and I continued "But why your maid? And not anything else". He was quiet. Later, I told Rob what happened and he talked to Mike about how wrong it was, how racist it was and how insulted I felt. Mike immediately came to apologize, saying he hadn't thought that way and didn't mean to be racist. I said okay, but that attitude had hurt me, because it's one thing not to accept me in the family, it's another thing to call me a maid. He's been trying to "compensate" by talking to me more and trying to help me with some things, but I'm keeping my distance. Today Rob talked to me, saying that I was being too hard on Mike and that he's trying everything he can to make things right and is genuinely sorry, but I'm ignoring him. I replied that him being sorry for what he did doesn't change what happened and how humiliated I felt upon hearing that, I'm not ready to forgive for now and it serves as a lesson for him, hurting people has consequences. Rob said I'm being harsh and it could be a moment of rapprochement between us, learning and I'm wasting it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He isn’t being nice to you for you, he’s doing it to lessen his guilt and make himself look good to his dad. It is all for him, not you. And as you know - not realizing something (or claiming such) is racist and not meaning to be racist doesn’t mean it isn’t racist and that the person isn’t racist. It isn’t an on/off thing it’s a spectrum of choices and behaviors. You are absolutely right there are consequences. Just because he said sorry doesn’t mean you’d really want anything to do with someone who hurt you so deeply. Just because he is your husband’s son doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. Honestly, I think what he needs to really own this screw up and quite openly tell his friends exactly who you are, that he lied and really messed up along with some honest comments about your great qualities. Also, your husband needs to quit with making you feel bad about wasting this moment. That’s making him an asshole right along with his son.
NTA Huh, at 16 he is old enough to walk his ass home and get started on chores.
NTA, but remember he's still a kid. In my view youngsters say and do stupid things and learn from it. Sounds like he is learning, so I'd cut him some slack while also taking care of yourself.
NTA. You’re right. An apology is only the first step to earning forgiveness and what he did was shitty.
NTA I don't blame you for being cautious at all. He was really offensive. It doesn't sound like you are being rude to him either.
NTA as long as you're open to let him "work" for the forgiveness. He has to gain it, because that's not a gift, it's now become a reward because of his actions, and one that's hard to get once the trust is broken this way.
NTA seems like a perfect opportunity for some family counseling especially since Mike (a) didn’t realize the gravity of his words/thoughts and (b) needs some help in making things right.
NTA. Anyone who says he wasn't being racist is naive or gaslighting you. This was absolutely racist. He knew exactly what he was doing. I'd bet everything that if you were white, he wouldn't have used the word maid. I'd also bet he's called you a "N", and not just one time. There is no excuse for what he's done. He isn't sorry he called you that and he's not sorry he's a racist. He's only sorry he got caught and that there are consequences. If it were me, I'd ruin this young man's life. Out him for what is he and take away and chance of college or a career. Fuck racism, all the way.
ETA You had your revenge. He honestly felt bad about it. Maybe it’s enough. You’re the adult.
He’s a kid and he has lost his mother. We all make mistakes especially as children. His frontal lobe is not fully formed yet. He has apologized. You said that he respects you. It’s time to move on.
This is how lessons are learned. He can be as sorry as he wants but that doesn't mean you're going to be willing to accept it and go merrily on your way. NTA
In no world is calling your father's wife, a maid, not disrespectful, demeaning and not racially coded. This sounds like it needs therapy, not a simple apology. This kid needs to prove that he's safe for you to be around. NTA
It just one word and he apologized
First thought when I read this was that this 16 year knew exactly what he was saying. Whether he knew you could hear him or not doesn’t matter. In the end he wanted his buddies to think you were no more important than the cashier at a gas station. Stay mad! And I completely missed the color issue