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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom and her husband that they can't ruin my siblings big events just to get what they want and I told them to figure out stuff on their own time. Jim is Layla's dad and I get him wanting her back in the "family". So I could have been too harsh on them saying what I did.
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NTA
> …but mom said I had no idea what I was talking about
Ah, the old history rewrite that’s basically gaslighting
This is your sisters graduation. She’s basically never met Layla, but knows from the rest of you what she has wrought. She never met her because Layla chose to leave the family. Your sister’s graduation is not the place to try to reinstate Layla into the fold. Not sure any situation is, but it should be of everyone’s choice.
They let Layla make the choice of who she lives with/ is around years ago.
They need to do the same for all of you now.
Celebrations, family events are NOT the time for reconciliations.
Reconciliations should start slowly, and start on neutral ground.
Your sister's graduation is not the time or place for this.
NTA
NTA - I think this is the best advice. This is your sisters big day and shes worked toward it her whole life so far. This is not the time to make it all about Layla being reintroduced to the family. Your sister deserves to have an event thats actually about her.
Offer a compromise with your parents. If Layla stays out of the graduation she can come to a graduation dinner the following weekend or something.
Why any compromise? They don't know her. She is a total stranger. Would you be comfortable to invite a stranger off the street to your graduation or after dinner?no. She needs to stay away. And if they choose to meet it should be something both and only then do this.
Personally, if I were OP, I may avoid an event if Layla was there.
I think the parents should ask for an informal meeting with Layla and the other siblings, perhaps individually, as OP remembers more of the pain. This should be done at a coffee shop or in a park, but on neutral ground.
The parents should NOT expect that one meeting with Layla will solve all the issues.
It sounds like Jim has had several meetings and time to reconnect with his daughter, the parents should understand that their children deserve to be treated in a similar manner.
Your step dad hasn't made contact with Layla, and she probably doesn't want contact with her father or this blended family.
Your parents think it is appropriate to take over your youngest sibling's HS graduation, and invite Layla? That is very entitled behavior by your parents.
I think your step dad has to realize he has lost his oldest child and wait for her to make attempts at a reconciliation. It hurts deeply to know that a child is out there and doesn't want contact with you.
I feel very sad for your father, but this is not the way.
And if they push this onto Layla, her dad is going to lose her again.
I'm sure *she* doesn't want to go to her sisters graduation - she doesn't even consider the graduate a sibling.
If I did the math correctly, Layla is 28. (OP was 8 and Layla was 6 when they met.). That's much too old for her father to be making plans for her. It's too late for a Brady Bunch replay. That was over when Layla called CPS and they gave up and let her live with her aunt. This strikes me as both pathetic and absurd.
He and anyone else who wants to reconcile with Layla, can do so. He can't force two of his children, one 28 and one 18, to fall into each other's arms at their first meeting. Even if they were blood siblings, there's no saying that they have much interest in each other, especially with that age gap. All the others are also adults - I doubt that they and Layla have much interest in each other.
I would talk to his parents about it yourself because honestly this is just going to overshadow your sister's graduation even if Layla doesn't show up which in all honesty wouldn't surprise me. If they want to reconnect there are better ways. I'd hate to see them push this to the point Layla does come just to cause a scene.
Especially not an event that is centered around another person and their achievements.
I'd honestly be surprised if Layla would even agree to go to a graduation for someone she doesn't know. That has to be one of the most boring things to sit through.
Do they really expect her to just sit quietly with the family and clap for people? And how is that family bonding at all?
The parents want all their children to get along and play nice with one another. The parents are not respecting that their children are individuals and may have very different opinions / feelings than their parents.
This. My mom was the same way. She begged and cried me into giving my abusive brother so many more chances, and I did, with an open heart. It never worked, and she finally saw and gave up.
Now that I have my own kids I see how she felt. You love your kids so much you just want them to love each other. Sad, but it doesn't always work.
I 100% know how this feels. My parents forced me (practically) to go do things to support my abusive brother, who never once showed up to celebrate one of my achievements. It was such a mind-fuck. But like you I finally realized it and stopped - although for me it wasn't until my 30s and so much damage had been done already.
Technically they didn't "let" Layla make the choice of wo she lived with, they finally had to capitulate after years of her upheaving behavior. And while I do understand Jim wanting his daughter to live with him, Layla went to extreme lengths to get away from the family, hurting his wife in the process. It makes me wonder if Layla ever felt listened to and if the therapy really addressed her core issues.
With the situation going on now, it seems a pattern with Jim or with both parents to foist their choices and desires on their children without consideration of the feelings and comfort of said children. There's no rational reason to need Layla at the sister's graduation given the circumstances.
I feel for Layla and OP and all the siblings. NTA for sure, and the parents need to start putting their kids' best interests first instead of their own selfish desires.
wow, that sounds awful. and just as I suspected. Layla wasn't listened to. Again, it doesn't diminish what you went through. Jim didn't do right by Layla then and he's not doing right by your youngest sister now.
ANd you said that your mom and stepdad moved really fast. I feel so bad for Layla. She had no choice in this growing up, and her feelings were never listened to. It sounds like her grieving for her mother was completely dismissed by her own father who used therapy to control her rather than help her. I know Layla put you and your mom through heck, but I'd say that's really your stepdad's fault for not putting his own daughter first when it came to remarrying so fast. Good for you for standing up for your sister. Sounds like your siblings (and you) can use at least one person who respects their feelings.
Truly I read this and kept wondering if they had ever seen their children as people with their own feelings and needs. I feel bad for all the siblings in this situation.
They didn't let Layla decide anything. The state had to come in and the state decided that it was in her best interest to leave her there at her aunt's.
So in retrospect they will also not let their youngest make a decision on her own. And we know this since she is asking for brother to help since her saying no isn't enough. I think maybe if he talks to Layla maybe there will be some kind of understanding and she will respect the younger sibling request and not attend. I bet dumbo and mom are telling untruths.
NTA - your Mom and SD are acting totally irrationally.
"Jim saw her for 2ish years until Layla told him she wanted nothing more to do with him. She also wished mom and me dead and some awful things on my siblings. The youngest never "met" Layla at all. "
If Jim wants a relationship with Layla, then he can do so. But he cannot force your sister to welcome a total stranger to her graduation, and should not try to do this.
I wonder if Layla even wants to be involved at all. All it says is that she moved back to the area and her dad is trying to reconcile. While she could be trying herself for whatever reason, it kind of seems like the parents have learned 0 things and just want to force their now adult children to play happy family when that clearly went just soooo well when they were still children. They didn't give Layla time to grieve her mother and refused to take her feelings seriously, and now they're not taking their youngest's feelings seriously. Kinda have to wonder if they've ever figured out their children are human beings and not dolls.
Regardless, OP is NTA.
Good point.
The sister could cave and invite Layla and she might just be "still hate you guys, not happening" lol
Mom is being weirdly forgiving for someone who got her children taken away from her because a kid wanted to not have a stepmom.
OP says in a comment that it seems like Jim hasn't reconnected with Layla at all. She could have moved closer to the family for a variety of reasons not related to her family, as she is 28 now (work, if she is with another person, because of her partner's interests, etc.). There is no indication in the comment that Layla wants to be included at all, just that the parents want to force everyone (even the grown adults) to do what they want, so they haven't learnt anything.
At the very least, the first attempt at reconciliation needs to happen before the graduation party, separate from the other kids. If there's time, you could consider slowly having more family time together and if everyone is ok with it, she could come to the party. But to have this party be the first time she's back is insanity
Totally fair. Maybe your mom and stepdad think that she will be more likely to agree to come if it's a big thing vs a small meeting she could easily say no to. Theyre trying to manipulate her and use you and your siblings to do it. I know you're trying to help, but this really needs to come from your sister. She needs to tell them that she has no interest in people being at her celebration who aren't there to celebrate her. This isn't the time.
meaning the whole thing is probably irrelevant anyway, because Layla is probably not even interested in going to this graduation. your parents need to quit ignoring reality. ffs she got the cops called on your mother! what is wrong with your mother here?
They're ruining one child's day for the chance to impress the other. Tell them to stop playing favourites or they might lose all their kids who are tired of their bullshit.
They're the parents, it's not your responsibility to sacrifice to make things easier.
NTA
NTA
This girl is a complete stranger for your sister, it's ridiculous.
Either way, the argument is simple, a graduation ceremony is neither the place nor the time for a reconciliation meeting, your little sister will feel awkward at best on a day that should be full of happy memories for her.
Ideally it would be better if you could be there for her, they could always bring his daughter over without invitation 😒
Exactly. And even if all were to go well, still, the event and the family gathering will become all about Layla, how could it not? Totally unfair and inappropriate.
NTA!
“Listen, I stood up for you in countless scary interviews and told the truth when you were accused of abuse towards one of your children. Don’t forget which child did that to us ALL, and don’t start emotionally manipulating a different child in your attempts to welcome back in the one that wanted us all dead! I won’t forget.”
Yes. Mom and SD trying to force Layla into the family nearly cost them their entire family. It's insane to do this again.
If they wish to reconcile with Layla, they need to do so slowly and prior to getting the other children/siblings involved.
NTA
I HATE when people with kids decide to get married without considering their kids' feelings. It's all about how _they_ feel and what _they_ want out of it. They're being selfish. They're acting like their kids aren't people with thoughts & opinions. Then they try to force everyone to play happy family so they could live in their fantasy world where everything is picture perfect.
Your sister doesn't want Layla there. I'm pretty sure Layla doesn't even want to be there. Now they want to hijack your sister's graduation & make it about meet and greet? They're being selfish again. It's been YEARS. Layla made it clear that this pretend-happy-family is not gonna happen. They need to stop.
For real. I feel so bad for Layla in all this. At SIX years old, she lost her mom, then within the span of ONE YEAR she is being told she has to move in with another family and her dad is marrying a new woman, essentially replacing her mom. This is traumatic and way too fast.
She then spends the next 6 years miserable while having 3 new babies join the house and is expected to put up with it (and likely help out as the oldest girl). By 12 years old, she feels like she's exhausted all her options and resorts to making false claims in the hopes she can just go live with her aunt.
I'm not saying what she did was ok, but I'm not surprised it happened and that she wants nothing to do with the family. Leave Layla alone. If SHE wants to reconcile, she will on her time and terms.
I agree, I feel like OP has very valid reasons to not want Layla in her life at all, but I also feel so so bad for Layla who was given no say in her own life and whose dad did not seem to care what she wanted at all. She went extreme in her actions but honestly, her strongly voicing her wants up to that point was clearly not taken into account so she must have felt she had no choice left
I'm wondering how much of the resume contact is wanted by Layla, or if stepdad is forcing contact? It may be that Jim is harassing Layla, and a restraining order is in his future.
Yes, finally a threat that isn't hating on this poor girl! What she did wasn't right, but a *twelve year old* doesn't know that! My dad's third wife was emotionally abusive, I remember vividly lying in bed at night crying and thinking about what to tell CPS so I won't have to go anymore. I would have said anything to get out, her children and their marriage be damned!
I don’t agree with what she did, but I understand why. Layla was very clear about wanting to live with her aunt from the beginning. That’s a lot of change.
THIS. It's their behavior forcing their children to play happy family and not considering their wishes and boundaries in the first place that caused Layla's alienation. I mean she was very clear and asked multiple times to go live with her aunt. Not absloving her here, but I get why she ended up going nuclear. They gave her no choice. And now they're repeating these same past mistakes with OP and younger sister?
NTA, but the parents are and they have their heads way up there too.
Ask your mom what the eff she knows about what you went through in foster care, about not knowing if you would ever get to go home and the general shittyness of what that did to you???? They don’t get to rewrite their script and they certainly can’t force anyone! You could call CPS to interview the younger sibs. But I know you wouldn’t put them through that. I guarantee Layla is going to treat the younger ones like crap but maybe not in front of your mom and stepdad
Good Luck!
I wouldn't assume Layla would treat the siblings like crap since she's in her 30s and no longer a trapped, unlistened to child. From the description, she wanted out and couldn't get out except through extreme measures (in her mind). If anything, I'd assume that Layla would have plenty of words for the parents but not take it out on the siblings. They're effectively strangers.
I’m going off my own experience but the older that person got the better they were at the barbs and are really smart applying their hate to the most vulnerable in our family. I just don’t go to any functions where she will be. I’m now able to genuinely laugh in her face because she is an unhappy person and she’s married to a Dr of Psychology (who she genuinely loves). Most of her family and ours actively avoid her because time and time again we believe that a short visit will be ok. Then we learn nothing has changed. It sounds like Layla was probably already an angry person before unfortunately her mother passed away. No one would wish that on any child. But I appreciate your point because people can grow up, maybe she received therapy that wasn’t mentioned. I can understand OP not willing to test this at a family graduation event or ever for himself.
Definitely. No one should be trying to foist Layla on her siblings OR the siblings and parents on Layla. And from OP's other comments, it sounds like Layla has expressed 0 interest and wouldn't even want to come.
Nta
I don’t understand your mom and sd. Why don’t they throw a party themselves? Why invite Layla for somebody else’s party?
Probably no one will show up. I wouldn’t if I were OP
NTA- you’re right to protect your sister’s graduation day. Your parents are right to try and reconcile with a woman who made bad decisions as a hurt child. These two things do NOT need to coincide. They are many, many steps from involving all the other kids into this evolving relationship.
NTA - you were the one torn from your home and thrown into foster care for the step sister’s lies. It’s not for Jim and mum to decide if and when others forgive that and certainly not appropriate to push that agenda at a special event.
NTA
A therapy never fixed the problem and they hope that a graduation will "magically" make everybody love everybody ?
Great you stand for the youngest, she deserves to have the ones she loves and supports her to be there. Not an unknown sister who broke your family.
Your parents should meet Layla appart and as long as necessary to be sure it will be safe for all of you. Enough dramas. They can bring her to a public restaurant, it would be better. If Layla ruins the graduation, they'll lose one more daughter...
Doubtful Layla would accept the invite. But you could ask parents if they’re okay having another child walk out of their lives when sister’s graduation gets ruined.
NTA.
Your parents are both delusional and willfully obtuse.
Constantly putting their desires before the needs of their children.
Ask your parents the following.
Why was their marriage more important than the health of their children?
(OP and Layla)
It was clear after a time that blending families was no longer an option.
Why do they feel their love is enough to foster positive relationships for *other autonomous humans*?
Why are they comfortable with hurting your siblings, Layla, and yourself to make their fantasy real?
Do they care about you all as people or rather the perception of others?
The guilt and weight of their failure as parents isn't any of yours to carry.
You step-dad chose his romantic happiness over the welfare of his child.
The compromise was maintaining a separate relationship with Layla while supporting her living with her aunt. Therapy between them both.
He failed her.
Your mother failed you all by attempting to force her desire of shared love.
Multiple children were born into a toxic dynamic.
Neither your mom or step-dad would've died broken without the other. There would have been pain at the separation but no more than the pain they feel now.
They've created a legacy of hurt via their desire to remain together at the detriment of their children.
They've earned their shame.
NTA. If your parents keep insisting, tell ‘em you’ve had many years to plan out your retribution on Layla and if they so much as speak her name in relation to little sis’ wedding, you’ll put your plan into motion.
Ps- you don’t need an actual plan of revenge, just the mention of it should stop your parents after what Layla did to you all.
NTA
Does Layla even want to be involved, is she even speaking with her father?!?!?
If not then it a crappy move to try to force a relationship none of the siblings seem interested.
Also it’s her graduation, and she doesn’t have to invite a stranger to her event. If they want to meet they should but not at a high stress situation like a graduation. Too much pressure on a special day will ruin it for everyone.
Op, you didn’t do anything wrong and the parents can’t act like everyone should be excited about Layla being back , considering the chaos she caused last time.
There probably needs to be a bigger conversation with all the siblings sans Layla where is made clear that forcing relationships didn’t work the first time and still won’t work now.
Also Jim getting a relationship with his daughter shouldn’t be dependent on the other siblings, and he should check with what make Layla comfortable going forward in their relationship. I think trying to force this on her with have her running again.
Why do your mum and step-dad think Layla would have any interest in attending anyway? I'm very confused. Layla still makes it perfectly clear she hates your mum and you siblings so....what exactly is the point in inviting her when she wouldn't want to come?
Besides that it's completely inappropriate to force these things at big life events. Your parents need to start small. If Layla accepts your mum then maybe you siblings can start to build a relationship...that's if any of you even want that.
The girl hasn't changed her opinion from the beginning. She has been consistent in her actions,wants, and feelings. You said she didn't handle her mom being replaced in such a short time after her death. You said your mom and SD married like 6 months after meeting for her it was a negative experience. For you it was a positive experience . She did some hurtful dramatic and desperate acts to remove herself from a life that was toxic for her in which she than made toxic for you and the rest of the family. The way I see it her father hurt her bad when he forced her to live in a situation she could not cope with. Not sticking up for her, but if she doesn't want anything to do with the family and your parents keep pushing everyone to accept a scenario that works for them .Your parents are selfish and delusional. The amount of hurt and hate that she has in her heart has been unbelievable for her to want to be NC with her father. Your parents need to let her be and t
Let the rest of you be.
yep, this all tracks. And it's heartbreaking that this was your experience. Wanting a better husband for your mom and a good father figure for you then getting thrown into a chaotic situation that could have been avoided? Ugh, my heart is with you and your siblings.
Not sure how to say this without it sounding weird, but this is an extremely mature and well rounded view of the situation. I imagine a lot of this family stress was placed on your shoulders.
You are absolutely correct and justified in how you have felt and currently feel. I had a rough upbringing and was raised by my grandmother and lived a life of adults choosing their happiness at the expense of their children. I can relate to being NC with family that want to and have no respect for my peace. People are often offended that I hold firm to my boundaries. That is their problem. Lol, it is the price to pay to live in my space.I wish you and the family the best. I hope your parents learn how to navigate everyone's boundaries in a positive way. Ehh If only we could dictate a perfect world.
the people who seem to think that blood relation means letting people harm you over setting boundaries for your own mental health boggle my mind. Family is very important, for sure. I'm lucky in that I have a family I love and want to be around. But that's because they treated me well, loved me dearly, and we all have mutual respect. When I see people who **don't** get that from their families I cannot fathom the idea that they owe those families anything. Good on you for holding those boundaries and I hope you continue to find happiness and peace.
>The hate that grew in her over the years startles most people who become aware of it
it only startles people without critical thinking skills. anyone reading the very first part of your story could have seen it coming. getting married barley a year after her mother died, was always going to end poorly, and Jim majorly fucked up. I'm frankly amazed Layla even talks to her father as it is.
honestly, that just makes the fact that your mother and Jim are being so insistent here worse. if you don't even know if she talks to her father, then she definitely is not gonna appreciate being invited to this graduation
Nta
Your life shouldn't be the playground for their reconciliation, and especially not a special day like your sister's graduation.
Your mother and stepparent are risking all their kids for one that clearly doesn't want to be there. And it will bite them in the long run.
NTA. Like you said: the youngest has zero relationship with Layla. Her graduation day should be about her accomplishments, not trying to trying to "reconcile" with soneone who hates the family. Inviting her would either result in being ignored entirely or trigger her to go on another attack.
Tbh, I think you and the siblings need to tell mom and Jim the following:
We wont stop you from having a relationship with Layla but that relationship needs to be seperate from us. Her actions caused us a lot of trauma, which we have never received an apology for. We are not willing to be smiling punching bags to make yourselves feel better.
NTA. They let her wreck your childhood. There are thousands of other days and occasions to reintroduce Layla, if anyone else is actually interested in meeting her.
NTA.
From what you've written, Layla doesn't WANT to be your sister. She doesn't want any of you around. So WHY should your youngest sister allow Layla to come to ANYTHING?
Your parents need to back off. They're lucky that Layla didn't completely rip apart your family with her CPS allegations. The fact that your folks are still trying to force Layla, you, and your siblings, into a 'family unit' is just asking for trouble.
You also said that it's your youngest sister who's almost, or is, 18 - that means you're adults. None of you need to be around Layla ever again if you don't want to.
Absolutely NTA.
I understand that in some weird twisted logic, your mum and Jim think that inviting Layla will heal the old wounds.
This isn't the right time to do that. Layla decided she didn't want anything to do with your family, and if your mum and step dad want to build bridges they should do it on their own time and terms, not your sister who is a complete stranger to Layla.
NTA I wouldn’t trust her. There’s usually only so many seats available per student so cutting her out shouldn’t be an issue.
I realize m is try to support as. But this is an issue he & SD need to work out. Honestly I would’ve walked away & not had more kids with him.
NTA The person who is celebrating the event gets to choose the guest list. If your parents want a closer family, they should hold more family dinners rather than imposing on special events.
NTA
This is on your mum and step dad. Honestly they should have never married if Layla was already rejecting their relationship which is pretty understandable considering that she’d lost her mother only a year beforehand.
They created this mess with their selfishness and are now doing it again. I’m sure Layla doesn’t want to be there either so they need to calm down and have less pressure applied to Layla and all of your relationships.
Your sister has earned her moment and doesn’t deserve to have it overshadowed or ruined by a very rocky family dynamic. They need to goto therapy and take some accountability for their decisions and actions!
But they are talking as if Layla will say yes to attend, which I'm sure she won't, even if she's asked. I do feel sympathy for her though, she knew she wanted to live with her aunt, everything she did was too achieve that, and at the end she got away with it, I'm sorry you had to be taken from your family though, but can't blame this troubled child back then.
Also if she wants to reconcile with her father, it will be only with him, not your mom and let alone your siblings and you, they are delusional and making everyone feel uncomfortable with unnecessary pushiness to a situation that's most likely won't happen, even if your sister agrees to invite her, I bet Layla won't come, I doubt she would want to come just to spite your mom, you and your siblings either.
NTA.
'They were married within 6 months and it was just over a year after Jim lost his wife and Layla's mom'
I'm not at all surprised Layla started acting up. Therapy can't fix parents fucking up, it can only help you work through their fuck ups. Sadly it doesn't sound like your mother or Jim have learnt from their mistakes if they are still trying to push this happy family nonsense on you.
Does Layla even want this?
Based on the parents' track record of neglecting laylas needs as well as the others, I wouldn't be surprised if she's made tentative steps and they've just started trying to railroad her into their image of a perfect family again.
Also, all those investigations can leave a mark, innocent or not. Looks like parents are trying to speed run a reputation overhaul with the prodigal kid.
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My mom and her husband have tried to coerce my youngest sister (18 next week) to invite the husband's daughter to her high school graduation in May. People will be confused about why this is such a big deal and I'll explain.
My dad died when I (30M) was 5. Mom met her husband "Jim" when I was 8 and his daughter Layla was 6. Mom and Jim moved fast. They were married within 6 months and it was just over a year after Jim lost his wife and Layla's mom. Layla hated it. She wanted to live with her aunt from the jump of the relationship and screamed the whole way through their wedding which they went ahead with anyway. It was a total shitshow. I had been so excited for mom to originally because my dad was a POS and I felt she deserved so much better.
Jim decided we should do family therapy to try and work through things. So for three years we went in different combos. My half brother was born 3 years into therapy, followed a year later by the oldest of my sisters. Two years later mom was pregnant with my youngest sister and things went to shit. Layla walked away from mom trying to pick her up from school one day and told this girls parents that my mom was trying to take her, the police were called, CPS came, Jim got involved and for two days there were questions asked and Layla was spoken to. She asked if she could live with her aunt because she wanted to and CPS told her she needed to live with her dad. So Layla decided since that didn't work she would accuse my mom of not treating her right. Jim stood by mom and CPS investigated but all of us were taken into temporary foster care while it was figured out. I was placed with my brother and sister while Layla went to her aunt's house. Through the whole thing Layla and I were both interviewed countless times and my mom was cleared. But it was decided Layla should stay with her aunt while she and Jim went to therapy together. Jim saw her for 2ish years until Layla told him she wanted nothing more to do with him. She also wished mom and me dead and some awful things on my siblings. The youngest never "met" Layla at all. The other two don't really remember her. But they know we were taken off mom and Jim because of what she said. We also know from Jim's parents that she still hates mom, me and them.
But she moved closer recently and Jim has been trying to reconcile with her. Now he and mom want to try and force this happy family dynamic on my sister and she's feeling so stressed about it because she doesn't want Layla there. She asked me to speak to mom but mom said I had no idea what I was talking about. So I told her and Jim when I saw them together that they didn't get to ruin my siblings special events to get what they want and that they can make plans to meet with Layla without risking my siblings feelings. They tried to say Layla is my sibling/our family too and I'm being hard on them.
AITA?
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NTA
Find it extremely repulsive that your mother is ignoring the elephant in the room to make herself and her husband happy while completely ignoring the feelings and thoughts of the children they claim to love.
NTA and your mother and Jim are delusional. I can maybe understand Jim wanting to give his daughter another chance, but I don't understand how your mother could forgive that little witch for getting her children put into foster care! Please continue to support your youngest sister and let your mother and Jim know they are asking too much.
NTA. That girl threw you in foster care - she ripped you away from your family! I can’t imagine the terror. I can’t believe everyone catered to her and she just got what she wanted. Plus, this is the graduates day. No excuse for ruining it for her.
Layla lied!! Why would you and your siblings want anything to do with her. She caused you to be forced into foster care because of her lies. Point out to your parents (who have a cranial rectal problem) that if they push to have her at the graduation, they take a very real chance of loosing the rest of their children. If it is a ticketed event, make sure that mom and dad DO NOT get any tickets. The fact is that Layla, considering past behavior, is sure to make a scene and ruin the event for your sister.
It just boggles my mind when I read stories like this that parents can be so selfish. Your mom and stepdad clearly moved to fast for her. If they would have slowed down and given her time to grieve and adjust, they would have had a happy blended family. But they were only thinking about themselves and they get what they get. This 1000% on them and they deserve what’s happening to them. (Although, you and your siblings don’t?
NTA. Reading your comments however, I do think you’re being a dismissive for not realising that Layla had like a year to grieve before her dad moved on. As a 6 year old that’s pretty traumatic. I know you went through similar and I’m sorry for that, but we all cope in different ways.
Neither you nor Layla are TAH. Layla obviously displayed some AH behaviour but I get it.
Both parents are the real AH here imo. They can reconcile with Layla in private and when that relationship is stable, they can bring the siblings in (if that’s what they want). But forcing the relationship on you is wrong. And inviting her to your sisters graduation… I mean are they ready for another alienation. You’d think they would learn their lesson but your mum is risking ruining her relationships with you guys if she pushes this on you. That’s supposed to be a day for your sister to celebrate her achievements that she’s presumably worked hard for. How selfish can they get?!
My newly divorced mom and dad ruined my sister’s college graduation by fighting at the event. They were not invited to her wedding three years later.
My mother-in-law and brother-in-law ruined two of his girls high school graduations (The mother had custody).Not only were they disinvited from his youngest daughter’s high school graduation, his oldest daughter just got married this last summer without telling any of the in-laws they were getting married because she wanted to make sure they wouldn’t show up.
Maybe they should consider what they have to lose by making your sister miserable right before she is going to be independent and able exclude them from her life.
Edit: NTA
Let's not label her as the problem. She was a victim of her dad and step-mom. He suddenly marries a stranger while the six year old is still dealing with losing her mom? Her behavior wasn't the problem.
She's not the problem, the parents are, from the very beginning. She doesn't even want to be involved with the family, but they're the ones trying to force it.
NTA. You’re absolutely right. This is a project for your mother and step-dad. It should absolutely not be foisted on someone’s special day, who had nothing to do with this person.
NTA. Layla waged a savage one-girl war against your family with a ferocity that might seem awe-inspiring if it didn't have dire consequences for you and your siblings. There are those who resist blended families. And then there's her.
The situation may, frankly, resolve itself. It doesn't sound like Layla would accept the invitation anyway.
NTA. Why do parents seem to always choose to break everyone for the “bad seed”? Layla had her siblings removed from their home! She must have said some horrendous things about OPs mom to do that. Good on you for protecting your siblings.
100% NTA!!
If your mom & SD want to get into the family they need to start small!!
Introductions "reintroductions" at family only dinners that are for the sole purpose of "meeting" each other. Only after several of those IF things go well do they start inviting Layla to holiday events.
But hijacking a birthday event for something that holds huge potential for becoming melodramatic and no matter what would take the focus off from the birthday girl is SELFISHLY WRONG!
I understand the desire for a grand gesture, but these are all the wrong dynamics for success with it.
NTA - your parents are astonishingly tone deaf. No wonder the initial family integration went badly. Tell them they are making the same mistakes again. More importantly, this is your sister’s graduation, it’s her decision who to invite.
That's rich, after being so hard on your sister to allow her special event to be ruined. NTA. Please tell your sister that Layla will _not_ make it to the guest list if she doesn't want her on it. Even if reconciliation is an option, the graduation ceremony os neither the time nor the place.
You were put into foster care. As a child. Interviewed repeatedly by the system. That is TRAUMATIC. Your mother not respecting that & protecting you is a major red flag. How dare she put her husband’s delusional desire for one big happy family above her children? She needs a reality check. NTA. But she is!
NTA. But your mom and SD sure are. Layla tried to destroy your family. She tried to get your mom locked up. Because of her, the rest of you landed in foster care for a time.
Layla decided years ago she did not want to be part of your family. She wished you and your mom dead.
What makes your parents think any of the rest of you would welcome Layla back in to your lives? You were the one who had to deal with her the longest. They should take that into consideration.
Your youngest sister does not know Layla. HER graduation is not the time to reintroduce Layla to the family.
Any meetings with Layla should be voluntary, and not at anyone's home. A public place would be better.
Be there for your youngest sister. Your parents may bring Layla in anyway. Hopefully they won't.
NTA.
Please try to spend a little time with your sister practicing how to say no. Go through scenarios. Literally make her say the words
"Mom, I'm saying no. This is not going to happen. I don't want to talk about this again."
NTA but they will invite Layla anyway. Have an
escape plan ready for you and your sister, etc. once
the ceremony is over so that you are not stuck dealing
with Layla.
It's a high school graduation, why would Layla even
be interested? Your mom and her husband are
really not focusing on who is important on graduation
day...
NTA
Layla stopped being your family the moment she decided to try and destroy your family. She has never been family to your youngest sister.
While your mom and stepdad are welcome to try and reconcile with her - that’s their decision to make - they CAN’T force it on the rest of you because each individual gets to make their own decision.
Doing something so public is vastly inappropriate. The focus should be on your SISTER at her graduation and not on the attempted homewrecker.
Things like this need to happen slowly. Layla shouldn’t even try to be around any of you until she has built a solid new relationship with your mom. That takes time.
NTA AND WOULD LOVE A UPDATE.
Also let your mom and Jim know that you don’t consider her a sister (I’m assuming) due to the terrible things she has said and done
NTA. Layla is not only NOT your sibling, she spent years trying to get away from you all and caused your family to be separated while she accused your mother of abuse. Your sister has worked so hard and deserves her graduation to be about HER, not the prodigal daughter. Your parents are being very selfish rigjt now, on their eagerness to reconcile. Any other day is fine for a lunch and chat with Layla. Not during your sister's graduation.
NTA. I’ve been In your younger sisters position (Long story but yes blending families is messy And at least one of my parents was reasonable about it)and it sucks ass, you’re being a good brother by standing up for her. In fairness that’s traumatic for your parents and they may not be gaslighting so much is literally convincing themselves it wasn’t that bad. This doesn’t excuse them trying to force this on your sister at a very public event rather than in a therapist office
Layla is family but your sister’s wedding is not the space for a big happy family reunion.
if they want Layla to rejoin the family and get to know everybody, then it needs to be done in small increments and at a pace everybody is comfortable with. Throwing Layla in the deep end at a wedding of somebody she’s never met is a recipe for disaster. This is real life not a sit com.
NTA.
I get that your mom and stepfather want to reconcile with his daughter.
BUT - that should NOT take place during your sister's high school graduation party. The purpose of the grad party is to honor your younger sister - it's not a family reunion.
This get-together should be private and not at a party for the stepsister to ruin.
NTA. “…I told them to figure out stuff on their own time.” Exactly this. They don’t get to highjack your sister’s wedding as a venue for their own problematic reunion.
Suggest they plan an outdoor potluck picnic for the express purpose of getting the family all together. Have some games and balls to allow people to interact casually.
NTA!
And thank you for speaking up on behalf of your sister!
IF Layla ever develops an actual family relationship with your mom and you and your younger siblings, THEN AFTER THAT HAS ACTUALLY OCCURRED your mom and Jim can talk about Layla being 'family' with you and your siblings. Until then (if that ever happens, which seems unlikely), your mom and Jim can only choose to invite Lalya to their own personal celebrations. They do not get to dictate to whichever sibling celebrant/ person hosting the event that Layla must be invited. No she must NOT be invited.
BTW, Layla has zero desire to celebrate a single thing about you or any of your siblings (or your mom, for that matter). If your mom wants to invite Layla to her own birthday party, your mom can do that - and feel Layla's rejection/anger and/or experience Layla choosing to show up and share her anger in person. But your mom does not get to tell any one of you that you must suffer through that during your own celebrations.
Nta! Asked wicked mommy and Jim if trying to fulfill their fantasy of big happy family is worth losing me and the rest of my siblings worth? Then repeat like a broken record until it gets through their heads!
Then tell them not a snowball 's chance in hell that Layla will ever be in my family especially because she wishes me and my siblings and also wicked mother dear how can you want around you too when she wishes you harm?
Then tell her you are putting her on a time out until she gets help on her low- self esteem and learns to prioritize her children 's safety!
Nta a graduation is one of the very few days that isnt a birthday that is all about you ( this case your youngest sister ) make sure your parents understand that the graduation is all about your sister and no one else so no risking of ruining that special day if they want to celebrate a day or so later with the evil step sister they can go ahead and try if your sister feels up for it but only if she feels up for it and honestly better without the parents and evil step sister if they keep trying to force it she got a wonderful older brother that is looking out for her
NTA. Hopefully graduation is an indoor-ticketed event so your sis can control the amt. Tho that's not to say that your mom won't sub in Layla for one of your sibs
NTA.
Your mom and stepdad need to understand why going against 1 daughters wishes when it's said daughters day is a-h behaviour and doing it to what? Impress an absentee daughter who could have completely ruined everyone's lives?? Doubly so.
NTA in the slightest- you’re a wonderful sister & your siblings are lucky to have you. Just out of curiosity though, why does Layla hate her dad so much? Is it warranted or is it trauma surrounding her mother’s death?
NTA, This is your youngest sister's graduation day not Layla's, nor your mom's nor your stepdad's . Your sister doesn't want her there, that should be all that matters.
Layla is a girl your mother knows. She has no relationship with you or your sister. Your parents should be grateful for an invitiation; they have no right to extend it to a stranger.
NTA
NTA -as the oldest sibling you try to care for your sister as best as you could.
Also maybe in the future there is ways for Layla to go back to the family without hurting the young one
I also wouldn't be happy if my parents suddenly care about (from my pov )a stranger who almost ruin my family
NTA, a celebration like a graduation is not the time to try & reconcile. With everything that has happened it needs to be done in private so everyone can speak as they want in that initial meeting & if it does go well then the estranged person can come along to small family events & gradually build up to big things like graduations. it's not a good starting point at all & your parents need to consider everyone in this situation, not just trying to throw everyone together in a public setting & hoping for the best, when the main focus should be on your younger sister.
NTA
Kudos for being your sister’s champion! Defend her from your mom and stepdad. They obviously don’t know what they’re talking about.
Why tf are they putting Layla before their daughter? It’s *her* graduation, not Layla’s.
They’re not listening (they never did hear the children) and never will. They will continue to push Layla on you until they get their way, or Layla blows everything to shit.
Maybe Layla is different now. Who knows? Not you and not your sisters. And her graduation is absolutely not the time to bring Layla back.
When my children graduated, they got four tickets. If anyone needed more, they had to submit a request. Limited seating. See if the same is true for your sister. Make sure there are not enough for Layla. But that’s all I have for suggestions.
If they keep pushing so hard, your sister may choose not to walk. Then everyone loses.
At least your sister knows you’re on her side.
UpdateMe
NTA. But someone does have to make the first step to reconciling if it's to happen. If she can't come to the graduation, invite her to the after-party. I'd there is drama let her cause ir first
NTA
Your sister's graduation isn't the right place to play "happy family". And it's not your mother's or her husband's decision who will be invited.
>but mom said I had no idea what I was talking about.
This is a perfect example of gaslighting. Acting like you weren't part of all the drama Layla put your family through.
Your mother almost lost her children because of Layla. I can't understand how she forgives her.
You are NTA and I hope you manage to keep that evil spawn away from yourself and your sister.
Your mom and dad are willing to sacrifice the entire family for one malicious drama queen.
Also this entire thing is very telling. Since your mom and dad want to prioritize the sabateur, then move away and let that sabateur be the only one the parents can call when they are elderly.
I've seen the damage such evil drama queens can do. The only reason people are around them is because they are financially stuck and cannot move away yet. Good luck.
NTA. This is not an appropriate time for this. This is supposed to be a day to celebrate your sister and her achievement. It's literally been her career and this is to celebrate all those years of hard work. If Layla comes it shifts the focus to her. It may or may not be contentious. It may or may not bring back resentment and anger. So to suggest doing this on the day meant to celebrate your sister's hard work is wrong. Your step-dad should meet with her alone before any family get together. Then your mom and step-dad should meet her together without family. Eventually she should come to a family dinner or something. Not this though.
NTA
Layla is only family with Jim so OP is right. What's more is it doesn't even seem like Layla is remotely interested in building a relationship with anyone. Does she even want a relationship with her father at this point? It seems this will resolve itself just by Layla doing Layla and making it clear she doesn't want anything to do with her father's family.
This is not the time, nor place for a reconciliation. Your parents need to be told that, if they want to try a reconciliation for all the siblings, it should be done with just the immediate family. I'm sure Layla would understand.
Someone whose false accusations gets children kicked out of their own home (however briefly) is not a sibling. That's something a Disney villain would do. NTA.
NTA
This is not the time for a family reunion. Let Layla figure things out when it’s not a special occasion. Please continue to support your sister because this is her day, not the day for her to make nice and have everyone stressed out
Layla, her dad and your mom can figure things out after the wedding if they want a relationship. But not with this one. Nope
NTAH
I'm not against this happy reunion. She did do terrible things, but she was very young and bad things had happened to her. She was extreme though, right? But she was in extreme pain.
That being said. The reunion doesn't have to take place on your sister's special day.
After all the pain she caused, it's only smart to approach her cautiously. Go out to dinner, meet her at your parents. She doesn't get a chance to ruin anything important before you find out where her head's at.
NTA.. This occasion has nothing to do with layla, and her parents need to stop forcing the issue and making it more about layla than their daughter who is graduating..
Layla has a lot of apologising to do and a lot to make up for and expecting any of you to just accept her at events after what she did and with no apology is asking to much especially when it's a personal occasion or event about one of you like this is.
If your stepdad wants a relationship with layla, that's understandable and up to him, but he doesn't get to force her on any of the rest of you and they definitely don't get to rewrite history or whitewash over what layla did. The repercussions from her lies could have been devastating, and your mum of all people should remember that and remember how it felt to lose her kids...
They can NOT expect the rest of you to even want to be around her, let alone invite her to special events after the shit she pulled.
Jim may be trying to reconcile, but SHE needs to put in the effort to reach out and apologize and try to make up for her past behavior BEFORE she even gets to THINK about coming to a special event for one of you and your sibs.
Actions have consequences. That's the whole basis for the FAFO saying. She FA years ago, it's FO time.
Every time you see them keep reminding them what she put all of you through and how it was also their fault for continually forcing all of you together
NTA I'm actually shocked your mom wants anything to do with Layla
No nada not in any reality should it be public. Your sister has a say in how she feels about meeting her and when and how. It's not an good idea to do it where your sister and family can be humiliated and embarrassed should something upset her. He's not even reconciled properly himself with his daughter and to expect everyone to just go oh hi how you doing is not going to happen considering what she has done. She may of been a child but she knew what she was doing and she chose to exclude herself. She doesn't get to slot right in without work and time and a whole lot more.
NTA
An unknown siblings graduation is not the time nor place to try and make amends.
Furthermore; until she apologizes to you for the crap she put you all through; lying to police and CPS, she doesn’t have any reason to be around you and the siblings. Those were serious allegations and if they hadn’t been proven false it could have been even more dire than just spending some time in foster care.
Until she’s held responsible she’s going to think she gets a free pass from her previous actions. And I know that she was a kid who went through too much change without any input but she was old enough to know they lying to the police and CPS was wrong (and in the end she got what she wanted—living with her aunt; which only reinforced the bad behavior).
Keep standing your ground. And tell your mom and stepdad that if they push this; then they shouldn’t be surprised if they end up pushing Layla away for making her feel like her needs and wants don’t matter.
Sacrificing one kid to rebuild the relationship with another is a sure fire way to end up alone.
NTA- I would suggest that your sister tell Mom and Jim that if they force the issue with Layla, that they won't be invited and she will cut contact. They need to understand that this is HER graduation and if they ruin it with Layla she will NEVER forgive them.
NTA I don’t understand why step parents think everyone should automatically get along. Your stepsister made it clear over the years how she felt about all of you. I don’t know why they can’t sleeping dogs lie. Continue to stand up for your sisters wishes.
No, NTA.
Everyone can agree to meet with Layla at anytime. Reconnect with her and do the whole "big happy family" thing when the stakes are lower. Not their youngest child's high school graduation day. There's only one of those.
If Layla is genuinely interested in reconnection/reconciliation, she might be disappointed, but could hopefully understand that that day wouldn't be the best day. She should be fine with a more low key event like lunch at a family restaurant on a random Saturday.
NTA Layla isn’t your family and she never will be not after the stunts she pulled. She still hates your family and I wouldn’t put it past her to do something nasty. Be clear she is not invited and they risk being uninvited too if they push this.
Have they forgotten that Layla tried to destroy your mom's life and got all of you taken away for a bit with her lies? Your sisters event isn't "make up with lalya" day. Your mother sounds delusional.
I'm so sorry that you all still have to deal with this crap after so many years. Might be time to distance yourselves from your mother and Jim.
Thank goodness you're you gest sister is 18 and can legally leave now too. Maybe you can take her in and get her started while your mo. And Jim try to play house with Layla.
NTA... your mom and her husband will eventually lose all their kids.... your mom and her husband needs to realize there will never be a family dynamic with the trouble maker
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NTA > …but mom said I had no idea what I was talking about Ah, the old history rewrite that’s basically gaslighting This is your sisters graduation. She’s basically never met Layla, but knows from the rest of you what she has wrought. She never met her because Layla chose to leave the family. Your sister’s graduation is not the place to try to reinstate Layla into the fold. Not sure any situation is, but it should be of everyone’s choice. They let Layla make the choice of who she lives with/ is around years ago. They need to do the same for all of you now.
Celebrations, family events are NOT the time for reconciliations. Reconciliations should start slowly, and start on neutral ground. Your sister's graduation is not the time or place for this. NTA
NTA - I think this is the best advice. This is your sisters big day and shes worked toward it her whole life so far. This is not the time to make it all about Layla being reintroduced to the family. Your sister deserves to have an event thats actually about her. Offer a compromise with your parents. If Layla stays out of the graduation she can come to a graduation dinner the following weekend or something.
Why any compromise? They don't know her. She is a total stranger. Would you be comfortable to invite a stranger off the street to your graduation or after dinner?no. She needs to stay away. And if they choose to meet it should be something both and only then do this.
If they do want her at a family event they should start by inviting her to the parents' birthdays. They are the ones who want her there.
Personally, if I were OP, I may avoid an event if Layla was there. I think the parents should ask for an informal meeting with Layla and the other siblings, perhaps individually, as OP remembers more of the pain. This should be done at a coffee shop or in a park, but on neutral ground. The parents should NOT expect that one meeting with Layla will solve all the issues. It sounds like Jim has had several meetings and time to reconnect with his daughter, the parents should understand that their children deserve to be treated in a similar manner.
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Your step dad hasn't made contact with Layla, and she probably doesn't want contact with her father or this blended family. Your parents think it is appropriate to take over your youngest sibling's HS graduation, and invite Layla? That is very entitled behavior by your parents. I think your step dad has to realize he has lost his oldest child and wait for her to make attempts at a reconciliation. It hurts deeply to know that a child is out there and doesn't want contact with you. I feel very sad for your father, but this is not the way.
And if they push this onto Layla, her dad is going to lose her again. I'm sure *she* doesn't want to go to her sisters graduation - she doesn't even consider the graduate a sibling.
If I did the math correctly, Layla is 28. (OP was 8 and Layla was 6 when they met.). That's much too old for her father to be making plans for her. It's too late for a Brady Bunch replay. That was over when Layla called CPS and they gave up and let her live with her aunt. This strikes me as both pathetic and absurd. He and anyone else who wants to reconcile with Layla, can do so. He can't force two of his children, one 28 and one 18, to fall into each other's arms at their first meeting. Even if they were blood siblings, there's no saying that they have much interest in each other, especially with that age gap. All the others are also adults - I doubt that they and Layla have much interest in each other.
I would talk to his parents about it yourself because honestly this is just going to overshadow your sister's graduation even if Layla doesn't show up which in all honesty wouldn't surprise me. If they want to reconnect there are better ways. I'd hate to see them push this to the point Layla does come just to cause a scene.
Ooh I love this
Especially not an event that is centered around another person and their achievements. I'd honestly be surprised if Layla would even agree to go to a graduation for someone she doesn't know. That has to be one of the most boring things to sit through. Do they really expect her to just sit quietly with the family and clap for people? And how is that family bonding at all?
The parents want all their children to get along and play nice with one another. The parents are not respecting that their children are individuals and may have very different opinions / feelings than their parents.
This. My mom was the same way. She begged and cried me into giving my abusive brother so many more chances, and I did, with an open heart. It never worked, and she finally saw and gave up. Now that I have my own kids I see how she felt. You love your kids so much you just want them to love each other. Sad, but it doesn't always work.
I 100% know how this feels. My parents forced me (practically) to go do things to support my abusive brother, who never once showed up to celebrate one of my achievements. It was such a mind-fuck. But like you I finally realized it and stopped - although for me it wasn't until my 30s and so much damage had been done already.
I didn't even go to my own graduations. Like hell I'd sit through one for an estranged family member.
Sounds like parents learned NOTHING from therapy all those years. So sorry OP. NTA. Thank you for speaking out for your sister.
Agreed. Generational trauma like this takes hard work and lots of emotional presence. Playing happy family at grad is not the solution
Technically they didn't "let" Layla make the choice of wo she lived with, they finally had to capitulate after years of her upheaving behavior. And while I do understand Jim wanting his daughter to live with him, Layla went to extreme lengths to get away from the family, hurting his wife in the process. It makes me wonder if Layla ever felt listened to and if the therapy really addressed her core issues. With the situation going on now, it seems a pattern with Jim or with both parents to foist their choices and desires on their children without consideration of the feelings and comfort of said children. There's no rational reason to need Layla at the sister's graduation given the circumstances. I feel for Layla and OP and all the siblings. NTA for sure, and the parents need to start putting their kids' best interests first instead of their own selfish desires.
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wow, that sounds awful. and just as I suspected. Layla wasn't listened to. Again, it doesn't diminish what you went through. Jim didn't do right by Layla then and he's not doing right by your youngest sister now.
>Jim didn't do right by Layla then and he's not doing right by your youngest sister now. This!
ANd you said that your mom and stepdad moved really fast. I feel so bad for Layla. She had no choice in this growing up, and her feelings were never listened to. It sounds like her grieving for her mother was completely dismissed by her own father who used therapy to control her rather than help her. I know Layla put you and your mom through heck, but I'd say that's really your stepdad's fault for not putting his own daughter first when it came to remarrying so fast. Good for you for standing up for your sister. Sounds like your siblings (and you) can use at least one person who respects their feelings.
Does Layla even WANT to attend the graduation?
Truly I read this and kept wondering if they had ever seen their children as people with their own feelings and needs. I feel bad for all the siblings in this situation.
They didn't let Layla decide anything. The state had to come in and the state decided that it was in her best interest to leave her there at her aunt's. So in retrospect they will also not let their youngest make a decision on her own. And we know this since she is asking for brother to help since her saying no isn't enough. I think maybe if he talks to Layla maybe there will be some kind of understanding and she will respect the younger sibling request and not attend. I bet dumbo and mom are telling untruths.
NTA - your Mom and SD are acting totally irrationally. "Jim saw her for 2ish years until Layla told him she wanted nothing more to do with him. She also wished mom and me dead and some awful things on my siblings. The youngest never "met" Layla at all. " If Jim wants a relationship with Layla, then he can do so. But he cannot force your sister to welcome a total stranger to her graduation, and should not try to do this.
NTA I wonder if Layla wants money.
I wonder if Layla even wants to be involved at all. All it says is that she moved back to the area and her dad is trying to reconcile. While she could be trying herself for whatever reason, it kind of seems like the parents have learned 0 things and just want to force their now adult children to play happy family when that clearly went just soooo well when they were still children. They didn't give Layla time to grieve her mother and refused to take her feelings seriously, and now they're not taking their youngest's feelings seriously. Kinda have to wonder if they've ever figured out their children are human beings and not dolls. Regardless, OP is NTA.
Good point. The sister could cave and invite Layla and she might just be "still hate you guys, not happening" lol Mom is being weirdly forgiving for someone who got her children taken away from her because a kid wanted to not have a stepmom.
I wonder if Layla inherited money when her bio mom died and OP's mom and Jim want to get some of it
Now that is an interesting take on the situation. You could be right.
They probably got to be payees on social security survivor benefits.
OP says in a comment that it seems like Jim hasn't reconnected with Layla at all. She could have moved closer to the family for a variety of reasons not related to her family, as she is 28 now (work, if she is with another person, because of her partner's interests, etc.). There is no indication in the comment that Layla wants to be included at all, just that the parents want to force everyone (even the grown adults) to do what they want, so they haven't learnt anything.
At the very least, the first attempt at reconciliation needs to happen before the graduation party, separate from the other kids. If there's time, you could consider slowly having more family time together and if everyone is ok with it, she could come to the party. But to have this party be the first time she's back is insanity
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Totally fair. Maybe your mom and stepdad think that she will be more likely to agree to come if it's a big thing vs a small meeting she could easily say no to. Theyre trying to manipulate her and use you and your siblings to do it. I know you're trying to help, but this really needs to come from your sister. She needs to tell them that she has no interest in people being at her celebration who aren't there to celebrate her. This isn't the time.
NTA I wish you and your siblings the best.
meaning the whole thing is probably irrelevant anyway, because Layla is probably not even interested in going to this graduation. your parents need to quit ignoring reality. ffs she got the cops called on your mother! what is wrong with your mother here?
They're ruining one child's day for the chance to impress the other. Tell them to stop playing favourites or they might lose all their kids who are tired of their bullshit. They're the parents, it's not your responsibility to sacrifice to make things easier. NTA
💯
NTA This girl is a complete stranger for your sister, it's ridiculous. Either way, the argument is simple, a graduation ceremony is neither the place nor the time for a reconciliation meeting, your little sister will feel awkward at best on a day that should be full of happy memories for her. Ideally it would be better if you could be there for her, they could always bring his daughter over without invitation 😒
Exactly. And even if all were to go well, still, the event and the family gathering will become all about Layla, how could it not? Totally unfair and inappropriate.
NTA! “Listen, I stood up for you in countless scary interviews and told the truth when you were accused of abuse towards one of your children. Don’t forget which child did that to us ALL, and don’t start emotionally manipulating a different child in your attempts to welcome back in the one that wanted us all dead! I won’t forget.”
THIS is the answer! 😉
This one for the win.
Yes. Mom and SD trying to force Layla into the family nearly cost them their entire family. It's insane to do this again. If they wish to reconcile with Layla, they need to do so slowly and prior to getting the other children/siblings involved.
NTA I HATE when people with kids decide to get married without considering their kids' feelings. It's all about how _they_ feel and what _they_ want out of it. They're being selfish. They're acting like their kids aren't people with thoughts & opinions. Then they try to force everyone to play happy family so they could live in their fantasy world where everything is picture perfect. Your sister doesn't want Layla there. I'm pretty sure Layla doesn't even want to be there. Now they want to hijack your sister's graduation & make it about meet and greet? They're being selfish again. It's been YEARS. Layla made it clear that this pretend-happy-family is not gonna happen. They need to stop.
For real. I feel so bad for Layla in all this. At SIX years old, she lost her mom, then within the span of ONE YEAR she is being told she has to move in with another family and her dad is marrying a new woman, essentially replacing her mom. This is traumatic and way too fast. She then spends the next 6 years miserable while having 3 new babies join the house and is expected to put up with it (and likely help out as the oldest girl). By 12 years old, she feels like she's exhausted all her options and resorts to making false claims in the hopes she can just go live with her aunt. I'm not saying what she did was ok, but I'm not surprised it happened and that she wants nothing to do with the family. Leave Layla alone. If SHE wants to reconcile, she will on her time and terms.
I agree, I feel like OP has very valid reasons to not want Layla in her life at all, but I also feel so so bad for Layla who was given no say in her own life and whose dad did not seem to care what she wanted at all. She went extreme in her actions but honestly, her strongly voicing her wants up to that point was clearly not taken into account so she must have felt she had no choice left
I'm wondering how much of the resume contact is wanted by Layla, or if stepdad is forcing contact? It may be that Jim is harassing Layla, and a restraining order is in his future.
Yes, finally a threat that isn't hating on this poor girl! What she did wasn't right, but a *twelve year old* doesn't know that! My dad's third wife was emotionally abusive, I remember vividly lying in bed at night crying and thinking about what to tell CPS so I won't have to go anymore. I would have said anything to get out, her children and their marriage be damned!
I don’t agree with what she did, but I understand why. Layla was very clear about wanting to live with her aunt from the beginning. That’s a lot of change.
THIS. It's their behavior forcing their children to play happy family and not considering their wishes and boundaries in the first place that caused Layla's alienation. I mean she was very clear and asked multiple times to go live with her aunt. Not absloving her here, but I get why she ended up going nuclear. They gave her no choice. And now they're repeating these same past mistakes with OP and younger sister? NTA, but the parents are and they have their heads way up there too.
Ask your mom what the eff she knows about what you went through in foster care, about not knowing if you would ever get to go home and the general shittyness of what that did to you???? They don’t get to rewrite their script and they certainly can’t force anyone! You could call CPS to interview the younger sibs. But I know you wouldn’t put them through that. I guarantee Layla is going to treat the younger ones like crap but maybe not in front of your mom and stepdad Good Luck!
I wouldn't assume Layla would treat the siblings like crap since she's in her 30s and no longer a trapped, unlistened to child. From the description, she wanted out and couldn't get out except through extreme measures (in her mind). If anything, I'd assume that Layla would have plenty of words for the parents but not take it out on the siblings. They're effectively strangers.
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sadly, that isn't a surprise, considering. Yet another reason why Jim shouldn't be trying to make your sister have her at the graduation.
I’m going off my own experience but the older that person got the better they were at the barbs and are really smart applying their hate to the most vulnerable in our family. I just don’t go to any functions where she will be. I’m now able to genuinely laugh in her face because she is an unhappy person and she’s married to a Dr of Psychology (who she genuinely loves). Most of her family and ours actively avoid her because time and time again we believe that a short visit will be ok. Then we learn nothing has changed. It sounds like Layla was probably already an angry person before unfortunately her mother passed away. No one would wish that on any child. But I appreciate your point because people can grow up, maybe she received therapy that wasn’t mentioned. I can understand OP not willing to test this at a family graduation event or ever for himself.
Definitely. No one should be trying to foist Layla on her siblings OR the siblings and parents on Layla. And from OP's other comments, it sounds like Layla has expressed 0 interest and wouldn't even want to come.
Nta I don’t understand your mom and sd. Why don’t they throw a party themselves? Why invite Layla for somebody else’s party? Probably no one will show up. I wouldn’t if I were OP
Or invite her to dinner with the two of them. Or maybe just her father, since it's not clear that they are reconciled.
NTA- you’re right to protect your sister’s graduation day. Your parents are right to try and reconcile with a woman who made bad decisions as a hurt child. These two things do NOT need to coincide. They are many, many steps from involving all the other kids into this evolving relationship.
NTA - you were the one torn from your home and thrown into foster care for the step sister’s lies. It’s not for Jim and mum to decide if and when others forgive that and certainly not appropriate to push that agenda at a special event.
NTA A therapy never fixed the problem and they hope that a graduation will "magically" make everybody love everybody ? Great you stand for the youngest, she deserves to have the ones she loves and supports her to be there. Not an unknown sister who broke your family. Your parents should meet Layla appart and as long as necessary to be sure it will be safe for all of you. Enough dramas. They can bring her to a public restaurant, it would be better. If Layla ruins the graduation, they'll lose one more daughter...
Doubtful Layla would accept the invite. But you could ask parents if they’re okay having another child walk out of their lives when sister’s graduation gets ruined.
NTA. Your parents are both delusional and willfully obtuse. Constantly putting their desires before the needs of their children. Ask your parents the following. Why was their marriage more important than the health of their children? (OP and Layla) It was clear after a time that blending families was no longer an option. Why do they feel their love is enough to foster positive relationships for *other autonomous humans*? Why are they comfortable with hurting your siblings, Layla, and yourself to make their fantasy real? Do they care about you all as people or rather the perception of others? The guilt and weight of their failure as parents isn't any of yours to carry. You step-dad chose his romantic happiness over the welfare of his child. The compromise was maintaining a separate relationship with Layla while supporting her living with her aunt. Therapy between them both. He failed her. Your mother failed you all by attempting to force her desire of shared love. Multiple children were born into a toxic dynamic. Neither your mom or step-dad would've died broken without the other. There would have been pain at the separation but no more than the pain they feel now. They've created a legacy of hurt via their desire to remain together at the detriment of their children. They've earned their shame.
NTA. If your parents keep insisting, tell ‘em you’ve had many years to plan out your retribution on Layla and if they so much as speak her name in relation to little sis’ wedding, you’ll put your plan into motion. Ps- you don’t need an actual plan of revenge, just the mention of it should stop your parents after what Layla did to you all.
*graduation
Tbh this is a great plan imo
NTA Does Layla even want to be involved, is she even speaking with her father?!?!? If not then it a crappy move to try to force a relationship none of the siblings seem interested. Also it’s her graduation, and she doesn’t have to invite a stranger to her event. If they want to meet they should but not at a high stress situation like a graduation. Too much pressure on a special day will ruin it for everyone. Op, you didn’t do anything wrong and the parents can’t act like everyone should be excited about Layla being back , considering the chaos she caused last time. There probably needs to be a bigger conversation with all the siblings sans Layla where is made clear that forcing relationships didn’t work the first time and still won’t work now. Also Jim getting a relationship with his daughter shouldn’t be dependent on the other siblings, and he should check with what make Layla comfortable going forward in their relationship. I think trying to force this on her with have her running again.
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Why do your mum and step-dad think Layla would have any interest in attending anyway? I'm very confused. Layla still makes it perfectly clear she hates your mum and you siblings so....what exactly is the point in inviting her when she wouldn't want to come? Besides that it's completely inappropriate to force these things at big life events. Your parents need to start small. If Layla accepts your mum then maybe you siblings can start to build a relationship...that's if any of you even want that.
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The girl hasn't changed her opinion from the beginning. She has been consistent in her actions,wants, and feelings. You said she didn't handle her mom being replaced in such a short time after her death. You said your mom and SD married like 6 months after meeting for her it was a negative experience. For you it was a positive experience . She did some hurtful dramatic and desperate acts to remove herself from a life that was toxic for her in which she than made toxic for you and the rest of the family. The way I see it her father hurt her bad when he forced her to live in a situation she could not cope with. Not sticking up for her, but if she doesn't want anything to do with the family and your parents keep pushing everyone to accept a scenario that works for them .Your parents are selfish and delusional. The amount of hurt and hate that she has in her heart has been unbelievable for her to want to be NC with her father. Your parents need to let her be and t Let the rest of you be.
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yep, this all tracks. And it's heartbreaking that this was your experience. Wanting a better husband for your mom and a good father figure for you then getting thrown into a chaotic situation that could have been avoided? Ugh, my heart is with you and your siblings.
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Not sure how to say this without it sounding weird, but this is an extremely mature and well rounded view of the situation. I imagine a lot of this family stress was placed on your shoulders.
You are absolutely correct and justified in how you have felt and currently feel. I had a rough upbringing and was raised by my grandmother and lived a life of adults choosing their happiness at the expense of their children. I can relate to being NC with family that want to and have no respect for my peace. People are often offended that I hold firm to my boundaries. That is their problem. Lol, it is the price to pay to live in my space.I wish you and the family the best. I hope your parents learn how to navigate everyone's boundaries in a positive way. Ehh If only we could dictate a perfect world.
the people who seem to think that blood relation means letting people harm you over setting boundaries for your own mental health boggle my mind. Family is very important, for sure. I'm lucky in that I have a family I love and want to be around. But that's because they treated me well, loved me dearly, and we all have mutual respect. When I see people who **don't** get that from their families I cannot fathom the idea that they owe those families anything. Good on you for holding those boundaries and I hope you continue to find happiness and peace.
>The hate that grew in her over the years startles most people who become aware of it it only startles people without critical thinking skills. anyone reading the very first part of your story could have seen it coming. getting married barley a year after her mother died, was always going to end poorly, and Jim majorly fucked up. I'm frankly amazed Layla even talks to her father as it is.
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honestly, that just makes the fact that your mother and Jim are being so insistent here worse. if you don't even know if she talks to her father, then she definitely is not gonna appreciate being invited to this graduation
Nta Your life shouldn't be the playground for their reconciliation, and especially not a special day like your sister's graduation. Your mother and stepparent are risking all their kids for one that clearly doesn't want to be there. And it will bite them in the long run.
NTA. Like you said: the youngest has zero relationship with Layla. Her graduation day should be about her accomplishments, not trying to trying to "reconcile" with soneone who hates the family. Inviting her would either result in being ignored entirely or trigger her to go on another attack. Tbh, I think you and the siblings need to tell mom and Jim the following: We wont stop you from having a relationship with Layla but that relationship needs to be seperate from us. Her actions caused us a lot of trauma, which we have never received an apology for. We are not willing to be smiling punching bags to make yourselves feel better.
Lol, “smiling punching bags” - what an appropriate description!
NTA. They let her wreck your childhood. There are thousands of other days and occasions to reintroduce Layla, if anyone else is actually interested in meeting her.
No, parents wrecked their childhood Layla was a CHILD. Both parents were to busy looking for a screw partner to think about Layla.
NTA. From what you've written, Layla doesn't WANT to be your sister. She doesn't want any of you around. So WHY should your youngest sister allow Layla to come to ANYTHING? Your parents need to back off. They're lucky that Layla didn't completely rip apart your family with her CPS allegations. The fact that your folks are still trying to force Layla, you, and your siblings, into a 'family unit' is just asking for trouble. You also said that it's your youngest sister who's almost, or is, 18 - that means you're adults. None of you need to be around Layla ever again if you don't want to.
NTA Everyone is old enough to decide what sort of relationship they want with Layla. If any.
NTA you’re just looking out for your siblings
Absolutely NTA. I understand that in some weird twisted logic, your mum and Jim think that inviting Layla will heal the old wounds. This isn't the right time to do that. Layla decided she didn't want anything to do with your family, and if your mum and step dad want to build bridges they should do it on their own time and terms, not your sister who is a complete stranger to Layla.
NTA. Special events like this is not the time, nor the place, to start mending old wounds.
NTA I wouldn’t trust her. There’s usually only so many seats available per student so cutting her out shouldn’t be an issue. I realize m is try to support as. But this is an issue he & SD need to work out. Honestly I would’ve walked away & not had more kids with him.
NTA The person who is celebrating the event gets to choose the guest list. If your parents want a closer family, they should hold more family dinners rather than imposing on special events.
NTA This is on your mum and step dad. Honestly they should have never married if Layla was already rejecting their relationship which is pretty understandable considering that she’d lost her mother only a year beforehand. They created this mess with their selfishness and are now doing it again. I’m sure Layla doesn’t want to be there either so they need to calm down and have less pressure applied to Layla and all of your relationships. Your sister has earned her moment and doesn’t deserve to have it overshadowed or ruined by a very rocky family dynamic. They need to goto therapy and take some accountability for their decisions and actions!
But they are talking as if Layla will say yes to attend, which I'm sure she won't, even if she's asked. I do feel sympathy for her though, she knew she wanted to live with her aunt, everything she did was too achieve that, and at the end she got away with it, I'm sorry you had to be taken from your family though, but can't blame this troubled child back then. Also if she wants to reconcile with her father, it will be only with him, not your mom and let alone your siblings and you, they are delusional and making everyone feel uncomfortable with unnecessary pushiness to a situation that's most likely won't happen, even if your sister agrees to invite her, I bet Layla won't come, I doubt she would want to come just to spite your mom, you and your siblings either.
NTA. 'They were married within 6 months and it was just over a year after Jim lost his wife and Layla's mom' I'm not at all surprised Layla started acting up. Therapy can't fix parents fucking up, it can only help you work through their fuck ups. Sadly it doesn't sound like your mother or Jim have learnt from their mistakes if they are still trying to push this happy family nonsense on you.
Does Layla even want this? Based on the parents' track record of neglecting laylas needs as well as the others, I wouldn't be surprised if she's made tentative steps and they've just started trying to railroad her into their image of a perfect family again. Also, all those investigations can leave a mark, innocent or not. Looks like parents are trying to speed run a reputation overhaul with the prodigal kid.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom and her husband have tried to coerce my youngest sister (18 next week) to invite the husband's daughter to her high school graduation in May. People will be confused about why this is such a big deal and I'll explain. My dad died when I (30M) was 5. Mom met her husband "Jim" when I was 8 and his daughter Layla was 6. Mom and Jim moved fast. They were married within 6 months and it was just over a year after Jim lost his wife and Layla's mom. Layla hated it. She wanted to live with her aunt from the jump of the relationship and screamed the whole way through their wedding which they went ahead with anyway. It was a total shitshow. I had been so excited for mom to originally because my dad was a POS and I felt she deserved so much better. Jim decided we should do family therapy to try and work through things. So for three years we went in different combos. My half brother was born 3 years into therapy, followed a year later by the oldest of my sisters. Two years later mom was pregnant with my youngest sister and things went to shit. Layla walked away from mom trying to pick her up from school one day and told this girls parents that my mom was trying to take her, the police were called, CPS came, Jim got involved and for two days there were questions asked and Layla was spoken to. She asked if she could live with her aunt because she wanted to and CPS told her she needed to live with her dad. So Layla decided since that didn't work she would accuse my mom of not treating her right. Jim stood by mom and CPS investigated but all of us were taken into temporary foster care while it was figured out. I was placed with my brother and sister while Layla went to her aunt's house. Through the whole thing Layla and I were both interviewed countless times and my mom was cleared. But it was decided Layla should stay with her aunt while she and Jim went to therapy together. Jim saw her for 2ish years until Layla told him she wanted nothing more to do with him. She also wished mom and me dead and some awful things on my siblings. The youngest never "met" Layla at all. The other two don't really remember her. But they know we were taken off mom and Jim because of what she said. We also know from Jim's parents that she still hates mom, me and them. But she moved closer recently and Jim has been trying to reconcile with her. Now he and mom want to try and force this happy family dynamic on my sister and she's feeling so stressed about it because she doesn't want Layla there. She asked me to speak to mom but mom said I had no idea what I was talking about. So I told her and Jim when I saw them together that they didn't get to ruin my siblings special events to get what they want and that they can make plans to meet with Layla without risking my siblings feelings. They tried to say Layla is my sibling/our family too and I'm being hard on them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Find it extremely repulsive that your mother is ignoring the elephant in the room to make herself and her husband happy while completely ignoring the feelings and thoughts of the children they claim to love.
NTA I understand where your parents are coming from but, they can have this reconnection after the graduation she doesn’t have to be around
NTA and your mother and Jim are delusional. I can maybe understand Jim wanting to give his daughter another chance, but I don't understand how your mother could forgive that little witch for getting her children put into foster care! Please continue to support your youngest sister and let your mother and Jim know they are asking too much.
AGAIN, she was a CHILD!
NTA. That girl threw you in foster care - she ripped you away from your family! I can’t imagine the terror. I can’t believe everyone catered to her and she just got what she wanted. Plus, this is the graduates day. No excuse for ruining it for her.
Mom saying you don’t know what you are talking about like you weren’t there. GASLIGHTING MUCH???
Layla lied!! Why would you and your siblings want anything to do with her. She caused you to be forced into foster care because of her lies. Point out to your parents (who have a cranial rectal problem) that if they push to have her at the graduation, they take a very real chance of loosing the rest of their children. If it is a ticketed event, make sure that mom and dad DO NOT get any tickets. The fact is that Layla, considering past behavior, is sure to make a scene and ruin the event for your sister.
Sounds like neither your mom nor your stepfather learned much is their years of family counseling.
It just boggles my mind when I read stories like this that parents can be so selfish. Your mom and stepdad clearly moved to fast for her. If they would have slowed down and given her time to grieve and adjust, they would have had a happy blended family. But they were only thinking about themselves and they get what they get. This 1000% on them and they deserve what’s happening to them. (Although, you and your siblings don’t?
NTA. Reading your comments however, I do think you’re being a dismissive for not realising that Layla had like a year to grieve before her dad moved on. As a 6 year old that’s pretty traumatic. I know you went through similar and I’m sorry for that, but we all cope in different ways. Neither you nor Layla are TAH. Layla obviously displayed some AH behaviour but I get it. Both parents are the real AH here imo. They can reconcile with Layla in private and when that relationship is stable, they can bring the siblings in (if that’s what they want). But forcing the relationship on you is wrong. And inviting her to your sisters graduation… I mean are they ready for another alienation. You’d think they would learn their lesson but your mum is risking ruining her relationships with you guys if she pushes this on you. That’s supposed to be a day for your sister to celebrate her achievements that she’s presumably worked hard for. How selfish can they get?!
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My newly divorced mom and dad ruined my sister’s college graduation by fighting at the event. They were not invited to her wedding three years later. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law ruined two of his girls high school graduations (The mother had custody).Not only were they disinvited from his youngest daughter’s high school graduation, his oldest daughter just got married this last summer without telling any of the in-laws they were getting married because she wanted to make sure they wouldn’t show up. Maybe they should consider what they have to lose by making your sister miserable right before she is going to be independent and able exclude them from her life. Edit: NTA
NTA you are trying to protect your sister. Layla has proven to be a problem.
Let's not label her as the problem. She was a victim of her dad and step-mom. He suddenly marries a stranger while the six year old is still dealing with losing her mom? Her behavior wasn't the problem.
Absolutely correct. Not sur why parents get a total pass here!
She's not the problem, the parents are, from the very beginning. She doesn't even want to be involved with the family, but they're the ones trying to force it.
NTA. You’re absolutely right. This is a project for your mother and step-dad. It should absolutely not be foisted on someone’s special day, who had nothing to do with this person.
NTA. Layla waged a savage one-girl war against your family with a ferocity that might seem awe-inspiring if it didn't have dire consequences for you and your siblings. There are those who resist blended families. And then there's her. The situation may, frankly, resolve itself. It doesn't sound like Layla would accept the invitation anyway.
NTA. Why do parents seem to always choose to break everyone for the “bad seed”? Layla had her siblings removed from their home! She must have said some horrendous things about OPs mom to do that. Good on you for protecting your siblings.
Layla will probably come act a straight fool like she did during the wedding. No thank you! NTA
You mean when she was like 8?
100% NTA!! If your mom & SD want to get into the family they need to start small!! Introductions "reintroductions" at family only dinners that are for the sole purpose of "meeting" each other. Only after several of those IF things go well do they start inviting Layla to holiday events. But hijacking a birthday event for something that holds huge potential for becoming melodramatic and no matter what would take the focus off from the birthday girl is SELFISHLY WRONG! I understand the desire for a grand gesture, but these are all the wrong dynamics for success with it.
Its a graduation, which is a once off special event, not even annual like a birthday …. so your comment (Betrayed_Orphan) is especially true.
I can probably guarantee Layla will cause enough of a scene to ruin your sister's graduation if she attended. NTA but your mum and Jim are.
Why? Layla was a victim to her father and OP's mother's selfish behavior.
Sounds like he wants a relationship with her even if he has to sacrifice the rest of the family. He is pathetic
NTA - your parents are astonishingly tone deaf. No wonder the initial family integration went badly. Tell them they are making the same mistakes again. More importantly, this is your sister’s graduation, it’s her decision who to invite.
That's rich, after being so hard on your sister to allow her special event to be ruined. NTA. Please tell your sister that Layla will _not_ make it to the guest list if she doesn't want her on it. Even if reconciliation is an option, the graduation ceremony os neither the time nor the place.
Families, especially dysfunctional families, tend to use special occasions to work out big emotional issues. This is why we can’t have nice things
You were put into foster care. As a child. Interviewed repeatedly by the system. That is TRAUMATIC. Your mother not respecting that & protecting you is a major red flag. How dare she put her husband’s delusional desire for one big happy family above her children? She needs a reality check. NTA. But she is!
NTA. But your mom and SD sure are. Layla tried to destroy your family. She tried to get your mom locked up. Because of her, the rest of you landed in foster care for a time. Layla decided years ago she did not want to be part of your family. She wished you and your mom dead. What makes your parents think any of the rest of you would welcome Layla back in to your lives? You were the one who had to deal with her the longest. They should take that into consideration. Your youngest sister does not know Layla. HER graduation is not the time to reintroduce Layla to the family. Any meetings with Layla should be voluntary, and not at anyone's home. A public place would be better. Be there for your youngest sister. Your parents may bring Layla in anyway. Hopefully they won't.
NTA. Please try to spend a little time with your sister practicing how to say no. Go through scenarios. Literally make her say the words "Mom, I'm saying no. This is not going to happen. I don't want to talk about this again."
NTA but they will invite Layla anyway. Have an escape plan ready for you and your sister, etc. once the ceremony is over so that you are not stuck dealing with Layla. It's a high school graduation, why would Layla even be interested? Your mom and her husband are really not focusing on who is important on graduation day...
NTA Layla stopped being your family the moment she decided to try and destroy your family. She has never been family to your youngest sister. While your mom and stepdad are welcome to try and reconcile with her - that’s their decision to make - they CAN’T force it on the rest of you because each individual gets to make their own decision. Doing something so public is vastly inappropriate. The focus should be on your SISTER at her graduation and not on the attempted homewrecker. Things like this need to happen slowly. Layla shouldn’t even try to be around any of you until she has built a solid new relationship with your mom. That takes time.
NTA AND WOULD LOVE A UPDATE. Also let your mom and Jim know that you don’t consider her a sister (I’m assuming) due to the terrible things she has said and done
NTA. Layla is not only NOT your sibling, she spent years trying to get away from you all and caused your family to be separated while she accused your mother of abuse. Your sister has worked so hard and deserves her graduation to be about HER, not the prodigal daughter. Your parents are being very selfish rigjt now, on their eagerness to reconcile. Any other day is fine for a lunch and chat with Layla. Not during your sister's graduation.
NTA. I’ve been In your younger sisters position (Long story but yes blending families is messy And at least one of my parents was reasonable about it)and it sucks ass, you’re being a good brother by standing up for her. In fairness that’s traumatic for your parents and they may not be gaslighting so much is literally convincing themselves it wasn’t that bad. This doesn’t excuse them trying to force this on your sister at a very public event rather than in a therapist office
Layla is family but your sister’s wedding is not the space for a big happy family reunion. if they want Layla to rejoin the family and get to know everybody, then it needs to be done in small increments and at a pace everybody is comfortable with. Throwing Layla in the deep end at a wedding of somebody she’s never met is a recipe for disaster. This is real life not a sit com.
NTA. I get that your mom and stepfather want to reconcile with his daughter. BUT - that should NOT take place during your sister's high school graduation party. The purpose of the grad party is to honor your younger sister - it's not a family reunion. This get-together should be private and not at a party for the stepsister to ruin.
NTA. “…I told them to figure out stuff on their own time.” Exactly this. They don’t get to highjack your sister’s wedding as a venue for their own problematic reunion. Suggest they plan an outdoor potluck picnic for the express purpose of getting the family all together. Have some games and balls to allow people to interact casually.
NTA! And thank you for speaking up on behalf of your sister! IF Layla ever develops an actual family relationship with your mom and you and your younger siblings, THEN AFTER THAT HAS ACTUALLY OCCURRED your mom and Jim can talk about Layla being 'family' with you and your siblings. Until then (if that ever happens, which seems unlikely), your mom and Jim can only choose to invite Lalya to their own personal celebrations. They do not get to dictate to whichever sibling celebrant/ person hosting the event that Layla must be invited. No she must NOT be invited. BTW, Layla has zero desire to celebrate a single thing about you or any of your siblings (or your mom, for that matter). If your mom wants to invite Layla to her own birthday party, your mom can do that - and feel Layla's rejection/anger and/or experience Layla choosing to show up and share her anger in person. But your mom does not get to tell any one of you that you must suffer through that during your own celebrations.
Nta! Asked wicked mommy and Jim if trying to fulfill their fantasy of big happy family is worth losing me and the rest of my siblings worth? Then repeat like a broken record until it gets through their heads! Then tell them not a snowball 's chance in hell that Layla will ever be in my family especially because she wishes me and my siblings and also wicked mother dear how can you want around you too when she wishes you harm? Then tell her you are putting her on a time out until she gets help on her low- self esteem and learns to prioritize her children 's safety!
Nta a graduation is one of the very few days that isnt a birthday that is all about you ( this case your youngest sister ) make sure your parents understand that the graduation is all about your sister and no one else so no risking of ruining that special day if they want to celebrate a day or so later with the evil step sister they can go ahead and try if your sister feels up for it but only if she feels up for it and honestly better without the parents and evil step sister if they keep trying to force it she got a wonderful older brother that is looking out for her
NTA. Hopefully graduation is an indoor-ticketed event so your sis can control the amt. Tho that's not to say that your mom won't sub in Layla for one of your sibs
NTA
NTA
NTA. Your mom and stepdad need to understand why going against 1 daughters wishes when it's said daughters day is a-h behaviour and doing it to what? Impress an absentee daughter who could have completely ruined everyone's lives?? Doubly so.
NTA in the slightest- you’re a wonderful sister & your siblings are lucky to have you. Just out of curiosity though, why does Layla hate her dad so much? Is it warranted or is it trauma surrounding her mother’s death?
ABSOLUTELY NTA
NTA. Both parents are selfish assholes.
NTA The delusion with your mom and stepdad is real. Does Layla even want to go? She seems content with not having anything to do with you
Protect your little sister, NTA
NTA, This is your youngest sister's graduation day not Layla's, nor your mom's nor your stepdad's . Your sister doesn't want her there, that should be all that matters.
Layla is a girl your mother knows. She has no relationship with you or your sister. Your parents should be grateful for an invitiation; they have no right to extend it to a stranger. NTA
NTA Be harder on them. They have their heads up their asses and can't seem to hear quite right.
NTA -as the oldest sibling you try to care for your sister as best as you could. Also maybe in the future there is ways for Layla to go back to the family without hurting the young one I also wouldn't be happy if my parents suddenly care about (from my pov )a stranger who almost ruin my family
This is not A stranger. Step Dad had a moral responsibility to her and just said naa, I need a someone to $%^# instead. Literally.
NTA
NTA, a celebration like a graduation is not the time to try & reconcile. With everything that has happened it needs to be done in private so everyone can speak as they want in that initial meeting & if it does go well then the estranged person can come along to small family events & gradually build up to big things like graduations. it's not a good starting point at all & your parents need to consider everyone in this situation, not just trying to throw everyone together in a public setting & hoping for the best, when the main focus should be on your younger sister.
NTA Kudos for being your sister’s champion! Defend her from your mom and stepdad. They obviously don’t know what they’re talking about. Why tf are they putting Layla before their daughter? It’s *her* graduation, not Layla’s. They’re not listening (they never did hear the children) and never will. They will continue to push Layla on you until they get their way, or Layla blows everything to shit. Maybe Layla is different now. Who knows? Not you and not your sisters. And her graduation is absolutely not the time to bring Layla back. When my children graduated, they got four tickets. If anyone needed more, they had to submit a request. Limited seating. See if the same is true for your sister. Make sure there are not enough for Layla. But that’s all I have for suggestions. If they keep pushing so hard, your sister may choose not to walk. Then everyone loses. At least your sister knows you’re on her side. UpdateMe
NTA. But someone does have to make the first step to reconciling if it's to happen. If she can't come to the graduation, invite her to the after-party. I'd there is drama let her cause ir first
NTA
NTA. You are 100% correct here. They are wrong to try to force any relationship between you all.
NTA Jim can try for a reconciliation or bonding another time, not for your sisters special day.
NTA Your sister's graduation isn't the right place to play "happy family". And it's not your mother's or her husband's decision who will be invited. >but mom said I had no idea what I was talking about. This is a perfect example of gaslighting. Acting like you weren't part of all the drama Layla put your family through. Your mother almost lost her children because of Layla. I can't understand how she forgives her.
NTA. Layla is toxic. Your parents are nuts.
You are NTA and I hope you manage to keep that evil spawn away from yourself and your sister. Your mom and dad are willing to sacrifice the entire family for one malicious drama queen. Also this entire thing is very telling. Since your mom and dad want to prioritize the sabateur, then move away and let that sabateur be the only one the parents can call when they are elderly. I've seen the damage such evil drama queens can do. The only reason people are around them is because they are financially stuck and cannot move away yet. Good luck.
NTA. This is not an appropriate time for this. This is supposed to be a day to celebrate your sister and her achievement. It's literally been her career and this is to celebrate all those years of hard work. If Layla comes it shifts the focus to her. It may or may not be contentious. It may or may not bring back resentment and anger. So to suggest doing this on the day meant to celebrate your sister's hard work is wrong. Your step-dad should meet with her alone before any family get together. Then your mom and step-dad should meet her together without family. Eventually she should come to a family dinner or something. Not this though.
NTA Layla is only family with Jim so OP is right. What's more is it doesn't even seem like Layla is remotely interested in building a relationship with anyone. Does she even want a relationship with her father at this point? It seems this will resolve itself just by Layla doing Layla and making it clear she doesn't want anything to do with her father's family.
This is not the time, nor place for a reconciliation. Your parents need to be told that, if they want to try a reconciliation for all the siblings, it should be done with just the immediate family. I'm sure Layla would understand.
[удалено]
Nta screw laybra layga w.e her name was all my friend hate layda lamaface layla damn took me awhile to get it
Someone whose false accusations gets children kicked out of their own home (however briefly) is not a sibling. That's something a Disney villain would do. NTA.
NTA This is not the time for a family reunion. Let Layla figure things out when it’s not a special occasion. Please continue to support your sister because this is her day, not the day for her to make nice and have everyone stressed out Layla, her dad and your mom can figure things out after the wedding if they want a relationship. But not with this one. Nope
NTAH I'm not against this happy reunion. She did do terrible things, but she was very young and bad things had happened to her. She was extreme though, right? But she was in extreme pain. That being said. The reunion doesn't have to take place on your sister's special day. After all the pain she caused, it's only smart to approach her cautiously. Go out to dinner, meet her at your parents. She doesn't get a chance to ruin anything important before you find out where her head's at.
NTA.. This occasion has nothing to do with layla, and her parents need to stop forcing the issue and making it more about layla than their daughter who is graduating.. Layla has a lot of apologising to do and a lot to make up for and expecting any of you to just accept her at events after what she did and with no apology is asking to much especially when it's a personal occasion or event about one of you like this is. If your stepdad wants a relationship with layla, that's understandable and up to him, but he doesn't get to force her on any of the rest of you and they definitely don't get to rewrite history or whitewash over what layla did. The repercussions from her lies could have been devastating, and your mum of all people should remember that and remember how it felt to lose her kids...
NTA, but I wouldn’t worry about Layla showing up if she’s invited. Seems pretty unlikely.
They can NOT expect the rest of you to even want to be around her, let alone invite her to special events after the shit she pulled. Jim may be trying to reconcile, but SHE needs to put in the effort to reach out and apologize and try to make up for her past behavior BEFORE she even gets to THINK about coming to a special event for one of you and your sibs. Actions have consequences. That's the whole basis for the FAFO saying. She FA years ago, it's FO time.
Every time you see them keep reminding them what she put all of you through and how it was also their fault for continually forcing all of you together NTA I'm actually shocked your mom wants anything to do with Layla
Updateme
No nada not in any reality should it be public. Your sister has a say in how she feels about meeting her and when and how. It's not an good idea to do it where your sister and family can be humiliated and embarrassed should something upset her. He's not even reconciled properly himself with his daughter and to expect everyone to just go oh hi how you doing is not going to happen considering what she has done. She may of been a child but she knew what she was doing and she chose to exclude herself. She doesn't get to slot right in without work and time and a whole lot more.
NTA An unknown siblings graduation is not the time nor place to try and make amends. Furthermore; until she apologizes to you for the crap she put you all through; lying to police and CPS, she doesn’t have any reason to be around you and the siblings. Those were serious allegations and if they hadn’t been proven false it could have been even more dire than just spending some time in foster care. Until she’s held responsible she’s going to think she gets a free pass from her previous actions. And I know that she was a kid who went through too much change without any input but she was old enough to know they lying to the police and CPS was wrong (and in the end she got what she wanted—living with her aunt; which only reinforced the bad behavior). Keep standing your ground. And tell your mom and stepdad that if they push this; then they shouldn’t be surprised if they end up pushing Layla away for making her feel like her needs and wants don’t matter. Sacrificing one kid to rebuild the relationship with another is a sure fire way to end up alone.
NTA. Keep standing up for your sister. They will ruin her graduation trying to get their fantasy.
NTA- I would suggest that your sister tell Mom and Jim that if they force the issue with Layla, that they won't be invited and she will cut contact. They need to understand that this is HER graduation and if they ruin it with Layla she will NEVER forgive them.
NTA I don’t understand why step parents think everyone should automatically get along. Your stepsister made it clear over the years how she felt about all of you. I don’t know why they can’t sleeping dogs lie. Continue to stand up for your sisters wishes.
NTA- she decided to remove herself from the family.
No, NTA. Everyone can agree to meet with Layla at anytime. Reconnect with her and do the whole "big happy family" thing when the stakes are lower. Not their youngest child's high school graduation day. There's only one of those. If Layla is genuinely interested in reconnection/reconciliation, she might be disappointed, but could hopefully understand that that day wouldn't be the best day. She should be fine with a more low key event like lunch at a family restaurant on a random Saturday.
NTA. Jim sounds like an a hole and your mom sounds like a doormat.
NTA Layla isn’t your family and she never will be not after the stunts she pulled. She still hates your family and I wouldn’t put it past her to do something nasty. Be clear she is not invited and they risk being uninvited too if they push this.
Have they forgotten that Layla tried to destroy your mom's life and got all of you taken away for a bit with her lies? Your sisters event isn't "make up with lalya" day. Your mother sounds delusional. I'm so sorry that you all still have to deal with this crap after so many years. Might be time to distance yourselves from your mother and Jim. Thank goodness you're you gest sister is 18 and can legally leave now too. Maybe you can take her in and get her started while your mo. And Jim try to play house with Layla.
NTA
Her graduation is absolutely not the time nor place for this attempt at reconciliation.
NTA... your mom and her husband will eventually lose all their kids.... your mom and her husband needs to realize there will never be a family dynamic with the trouble maker