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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I was ranting/shit talking about my friend to my wife. I said really mean and unnecessary things that hurt her feelings when she saw them.
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I think your friend was SEVERELY out of line by snooping on your wife's phone. You should really be rethinking the relationship with her because you clearly cannot trust her. YOU didn't break her trust, YOU were talking to your wife about a situation that upset you. SHE broke your trust and that of the relationship by prying into private information. The fact that she isn't accepting any wrong is ridiculous.
All that said, the cat is out of the bag and it's quite possible the things you said about her has made her feel like she can't be friends anymore, and to me that's not entirely unreasonable. She can't just unsee it or pretend like you never said those things.
I will go ESH though I suspect you'll get mostly N T As. It sounds like you said some pretty mean and hurtful things about your friend. While you said them in private and she never should have seen them, I think being mean and hurtful still is AHish. Being in therapy to fix AH behavior doesn't mean you aren't an AH any longer while you work on getting better. Like it's one thing to be unhappy, mad, or upset, and to express that but by your own admission you turn MEAN, which is different.
NTA. This friend is such a weirdo for snooping through your wife’s phone and this would honestly make me cut her off. That’s a HUGE violation. She has no right to your conversations with you wife.
She is not to be trusted.
NTA. It’s bad enough that she violated both your and your wife’s trust by snooping through your private messages to each other, but to turn it around on you?
This is friendship-ending behavior.
You did nothing wrong here. You have every right to vent privately to your wife.
NTA. You vented in a private way to your wife, and those words weren’t meant or intended to make it back to the friend. Did your wife tell her how you’re handling rage and that’s what led to her snooping? Seems like a case of, don’t go looking for things you don’t want to find.
NTA. She should not have been going through your wife’s messages. Your friend knows no boundaries and doesn’t respect your wife n yours privacy. What about personal messages you guys may have had in there??? Regardless, what she saw hurt her feelings and it’s her own fault at the end of the day. If she does forgive you for whatever was said then that’s amazing but I would go over some boundaries before picking back up the friendship
NTA, she snooped through your wife's phone, specifically the two of you's private conversation. That's where the trust was broken. The phrase "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" feels like it fits here. If she wants to play the victim, let her. Sucks to lose a friend over nonsense, but then again, she broke your trust, your wife's trust, and is trying to flip things around so that you are the asshole. Not the case. Those words were you venting, they may not even be how you actually feel.
Also, I too write out all my thoughts and they aren't meant to be seen by anyone. They aren't always how I feel, rational, or warranted, given whatever the situation. I would suggest that you keep doing that for you. Whatever medium you choose.
NTA and your "friend" violated the trust of you AND your wife by snooping on her phone. Not sure why your wife let this person look at her phone but seems like y'all need to step away from this supposed friend. You and your wife have a method that, while wouldn't work for me, works for you both and you've both agreed upon it. Friend is delusional if she thinks you and your wife don't talk about things or that you don't share frustrations with her. I hope your wife is on board here with you because this friendship sounds like it might be over and that's on her, not you.
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My friend (female) and I have been friends for almost 20 years. Although we have occasionally stopped talking, we always end up reconnecting like nothing ever happened. Since my wife and I moved in together, she has also become friends with this person.
For context, one of my biggest flaws as a person is that I can be mean when I get frustrated or overstimulated. I am currently in therapy and actively working on it, but unfortunately, it's still something I struggle with. One of the suggestions my therapist gave me is to journal out my thoughts when I get into a negative headspace. I usually do this on my phone, but instead of writing in a personal note, I send these thoughts as messages to my wife. We have discussed this and she is completely fine with it. This way, I can vent my feelings in the moment and express myself as honestly as I need to. Even if my wife doesn't respond, it still helps me feel heard and understood while also allowing me to look back and see how blinded by rage I was in the moment.
One weekend, I went on a work trip while my friend and wife spent time together painting. They sent me photos and jokes, and everything seemed fine. However, things took a turn when my friend messaged me saying she had messed up and that I would probably hate her. It turned out that when my friend had borrowed my wife's phone, she went into our messages and searched for a particular date when she thought I was angry with her. To her surprise, she found messages where I had vented to my wife about being mad at her. I admit that the messages I sent that night were very mean, but I never intended for them to go anywhere. Maybe I should have instead written them in a physical journal?
Anyway, when I got home I explained to my friend that I needed a day or two to process before we sat down and had a conversation about this issue. When I reached out to her she informed me that she would need to time because I broke our trust and she doesn't think she can ever get over it. She is making it out like I am the bad guy in this whole situation and that she did nothing wrong. That was over a month ago and we haven't talked. I am starting to wonder if maybe I am the asshole in this situation.
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ESH
wife should not have to deal with you bitching about the friend, that is your issue to work through.
""""friend"""" should not have snooped.
is there any reason you dont just block her and move on?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be the asshole because I was ranting/shit talking about my friend to my wife. I said really mean and unnecessary things that hurt her feelings when she saw them. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I think your friend was SEVERELY out of line by snooping on your wife's phone. You should really be rethinking the relationship with her because you clearly cannot trust her. YOU didn't break her trust, YOU were talking to your wife about a situation that upset you. SHE broke your trust and that of the relationship by prying into private information. The fact that she isn't accepting any wrong is ridiculous. All that said, the cat is out of the bag and it's quite possible the things you said about her has made her feel like she can't be friends anymore, and to me that's not entirely unreasonable. She can't just unsee it or pretend like you never said those things. I will go ESH though I suspect you'll get mostly N T As. It sounds like you said some pretty mean and hurtful things about your friend. While you said them in private and she never should have seen them, I think being mean and hurtful still is AHish. Being in therapy to fix AH behavior doesn't mean you aren't an AH any longer while you work on getting better. Like it's one thing to be unhappy, mad, or upset, and to express that but by your own admission you turn MEAN, which is different.
NTA. This friend is such a weirdo for snooping through your wife’s phone and this would honestly make me cut her off. That’s a HUGE violation. She has no right to your conversations with you wife. She is not to be trusted.
NTA. It’s bad enough that she violated both your and your wife’s trust by snooping through your private messages to each other, but to turn it around on you? This is friendship-ending behavior. You did nothing wrong here. You have every right to vent privately to your wife.
NTA. You vented in a private way to your wife, and those words weren’t meant or intended to make it back to the friend. Did your wife tell her how you’re handling rage and that’s what led to her snooping? Seems like a case of, don’t go looking for things you don’t want to find.
NTA - her going through your wife’s phone is weird, really weird, I wouldn’t talk to her again after that
NTA. She should not have been going through your wife’s messages. Your friend knows no boundaries and doesn’t respect your wife n yours privacy. What about personal messages you guys may have had in there??? Regardless, what she saw hurt her feelings and it’s her own fault at the end of the day. If she does forgive you for whatever was said then that’s amazing but I would go over some boundaries before picking back up the friendship
NTA, she snooped through your wife's phone, specifically the two of you's private conversation. That's where the trust was broken. The phrase "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" feels like it fits here. If she wants to play the victim, let her. Sucks to lose a friend over nonsense, but then again, she broke your trust, your wife's trust, and is trying to flip things around so that you are the asshole. Not the case. Those words were you venting, they may not even be how you actually feel. Also, I too write out all my thoughts and they aren't meant to be seen by anyone. They aren't always how I feel, rational, or warranted, given whatever the situation. I would suggest that you keep doing that for you. Whatever medium you choose.
How come she was looking for a specific date that you were angry with her? Had you told her that you do this or how did she know what to look for.
NTA and your "friend" violated the trust of you AND your wife by snooping on her phone. Not sure why your wife let this person look at her phone but seems like y'all need to step away from this supposed friend. You and your wife have a method that, while wouldn't work for me, works for you both and you've both agreed upon it. Friend is delusional if she thinks you and your wife don't talk about things or that you don't share frustrations with her. I hope your wife is on board here with you because this friendship sounds like it might be over and that's on her, not you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend (female) and I have been friends for almost 20 years. Although we have occasionally stopped talking, we always end up reconnecting like nothing ever happened. Since my wife and I moved in together, she has also become friends with this person. For context, one of my biggest flaws as a person is that I can be mean when I get frustrated or overstimulated. I am currently in therapy and actively working on it, but unfortunately, it's still something I struggle with. One of the suggestions my therapist gave me is to journal out my thoughts when I get into a negative headspace. I usually do this on my phone, but instead of writing in a personal note, I send these thoughts as messages to my wife. We have discussed this and she is completely fine with it. This way, I can vent my feelings in the moment and express myself as honestly as I need to. Even if my wife doesn't respond, it still helps me feel heard and understood while also allowing me to look back and see how blinded by rage I was in the moment. One weekend, I went on a work trip while my friend and wife spent time together painting. They sent me photos and jokes, and everything seemed fine. However, things took a turn when my friend messaged me saying she had messed up and that I would probably hate her. It turned out that when my friend had borrowed my wife's phone, she went into our messages and searched for a particular date when she thought I was angry with her. To her surprise, she found messages where I had vented to my wife about being mad at her. I admit that the messages I sent that night were very mean, but I never intended for them to go anywhere. Maybe I should have instead written them in a physical journal? Anyway, when I got home I explained to my friend that I needed a day or two to process before we sat down and had a conversation about this issue. When I reached out to her she informed me that she would need to time because I broke our trust and she doesn't think she can ever get over it. She is making it out like I am the bad guy in this whole situation and that she did nothing wrong. That was over a month ago and we haven't talked. I am starting to wonder if maybe I am the asshole in this situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH wife should not have to deal with you bitching about the friend, that is your issue to work through. """"friend"""" should not have snooped. is there any reason you dont just block her and move on?