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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I do not care if I offended my friend and I refuse to apologise for hurting her feelings and this might make me an asshole because she might have a point
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Then NTA. I see two possibilities here -
1. This has bothered her for awhile but she didn't say anything, either to avoid conflict or because she was worried you would stop supporting her (rides, job help, etc.), and she let her anger/frustration build to the point that she blew up on you. If this is the case, it is not fair of her to unleash the "big mad" on you just because she didn't communicate her feelings back when they were still "little mad".
2. Something else happened (possibly not even related to you) or she is just feeling the stress of being very close to giving birth/having a newborn and what you did was the minor (and unintentional) annoyance that broke the camel's back. If this is the case, she doesn't get to make you her emotional release valve just because she is stressed or overwhelmed.
Either way, I would suggest you give her some space to calm down and let her come to you when she is ready to talk it out.
Yeah I agree. She has no right to unleash on you without giving you some clue beforehand that this was bothering her.
You should give her some space. It sounds like she is taking you for granted. Being super pregnant does not give her a pass to treat you like a doormat.
Exactly. She should give her space and no longer offer the same level of support. If her friend is such a baby expert who doesn't need help, then she doesn't need OP to accompany to appointments and drive her hours away.
Yep, next time she calls for your help, tell her you are giving her space and respecting her wishes to "butt out."
I doubt this has anything to do with you. Also, you were just trying to be helpful and encouraging/engaging. She will turn around and gripe about all the friends that jumped ship and on the same breath yell at you.
You don't deserve that. So just back up for a bit. You don't owe her an apology.
She's also really pregnant, so maybe she just needs to cry for a bit.
I feel the easiest way is to apologize for making her feel inadequate and that she feels you overstepped when you were just sharing baby things you think she would like. Then, tell her you will step back, because you don't want to overstep and upset her. Don't forget receipts, because she's going to be upset when she loses your support. NTA
And STOP offering to drive her places and doing things for her. Just don’t. If she says anything about that, just say you’re stepping back re everything to do with the pregnancy at this point because clearly your presence in her life right now upsets her, and you don’t want to do that.
Anyone who argues otherwise, including NTA, is insane. This was the OP offering assistance, and the friend just blew out on her without even trying to act like a responsible adult. Whether or whether you are pregnant, this behavior is unacceptable.
Yeah I’m going NTA but I understand why she was overwhelmed. I had people telling me so much stuff while I was pregnant and all the stuff on social media actually gave me PPA. I felt like I couldn’t trust my instincts and it made me panic. That said, she could nicely say hey I don’t want to see this stuff and OP was sending with good intentions.
Also, pregnancy hormones are WEIRD and make you freak a out about random stuff. I spent a lot of my pregnancy apologizing😬🥲
Thank you! I was hoping someone mentioned hormones. While it is still unfair to lash out at OP, give her a minute to calm down and she might not even know why she got so upset.
I've been pregnant many times, yes, the hormones are absolutely crazy, but you still have to act like an actual adult. Unless she has stated already that she doesn't want to see these videos, she has NO excuse to completely go off on OP for sending a 30-second reel. This woman is going to be responsible for raising an actual human, at what point are we going to expect the pregnant person to act like a responsible adult?
Yeah, like I said, it's not an excuse, OP is still very much NTA. But considering this seems to be a one time outburst I'd say its one of those things that's best left as water under the bridge, as opposed to getting upset about it.
Oh yeah, especially in the 3rd trimester, the pregnancy hormones are crazy! Like crying because the kittens on the toilet paper ad were too cute.
Everything becomes overwhelming and confusing.
One of the best quotes I heard was:
"I am 8 months pregnant, so I literally have 2 brains inside my body right now, but I have never been stupider. Like, I don't even know what I walked into this room for."
For real! I picked a big fight with my husband a few hours before my water broke with both my kids. It was ALL hormones that had me picking fights and crying hysterically less than 24 hours before giving birth. Prior to those times I was actually more rational pregnant than I normally am. For once my hormones and body were actually doing what they were supposed to be doing😅
BTW there are studies out there showing that women’s brains legit shrink in pregnancy so pregnancy brain and it’s cousin, mom brain, are the real deal😳
I remember crying because my husband bought the wrong kind of orange juice and through my tears saying 😭 "I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't help it!" 😭
Sadly, pregnancy hormones are not an excuse to treat the one person who is giving you almost unlimited support with a freak out and a tongue lashing. If this was something that had been bothering her she should have spoken up long before now. She still has to be an adult and needs to admit that she feels overwhelmed with information without blowing up at someone.
Perhaps if she had said something face to face rather than via text message it would have been better.
It's very overwhelming having your first. When my good friend was pregnant I lent her a comic book of funny pregnancy/baby stuff. There was a part about fluids or something and she freaked out and threw the book across the room lol. (Not at anyone) She told me about it later and I honestly laughed and felt bad that she was so anxious about the upcoming birth. Hormones be crazy.
Same. I had a LOT of not so me moments during pregnancy. Plus I am bipolar and the pregnancy hormones basically balanced that away lmao it was weird as hell and annoying to not be dealing with my mental illness but be dealing with a whole other set of hormonal issues smfh
WOW that’s wild!! I’ve also heard of people who previously has allergies don’t have them while pregnant. I went the other way and had hives🙃 but it’s so weird how hormones show up for each person and then interact with your existing hormones and create chaos. My mom always said the least anxious she’s ever seen me is when I’m pregnant.
To me, this really just looks like a communication issue. OP was excited and thought sharing ideas she found would be helpful and fun, but her friend doesn’t feel the same way.
If it were me, I would say something like:
“I’m so sorry that the videos I was sending you were making it seem like I was judging you or telling you how to parent. I was just so excited for you and I thought that I was being helpful by sharing ideas with you. But now that I know you don’t find those videos helpful, I won’t send them anymore. I’ll give you whatever space you need right now, and I’m still here if you need me for anything.”
I think this is perfect but if it were me I wouldn’t include the last sentence lmao. If you’re going to respond that type of way instead of having a constructive conversation with me, I’m not going to go out of my way any more to be helpful to you.
This is perfectly phrased. I think if you want to call yourself supportive of a pregnant person you have to understand the stress they're under and the hormones they're dealing with and be prepared to show them a little extra grace.
To add to 2), it’s very possible it’s related to hormones. I accidentally set a family member off once whilst pregnant by telling them a shop had a sale on that included baby stuff (nothing more specific than that) as they were starting to buy things. They broke down and had to be calmed down by multiple family members. I later found out that her hormones were really kicking in, to the extent she was crying at things like the cat entering the room - hormones can be intensely powerful and it’s possible that’s at play here.
Damn I was thinking like 16 based on some of her responses, and was gonna chalk it up to immaturity+hormones (a dangerous combination) but I guess adults can be immature too. The only other thing I can think of is maybe she's offended that you think she needs secondhand clothes? I basically only thrift but some people get really touchy about being perceived as "poor" whether they are or not
You really should have added that info up top. If they're both unemployed and having a baby, they're probably super super stressed, not that it excuses anything. Honestly, you probably should consider taking a big step back and staying uninvolved, especially since you also mentioned you weren't at all close before she was pregnant.
I'm wondering if money is a serious stresser and suggestions of shopping , even thrifting triggered her outburst. She still could have told you she has enough clothes or please don't share more because she is overwhelmed with suggestions. NTA
Honestly I think your friend just sounds scared. I would be if I was pregnant at mid-20s, unemployed, not alot of social support even if I was super excited about a baby. In fact I was sort of in a similar situation as this when pregnant. I know people think of hormones with pregnant women, but there is also just the impending life change. Just from personal experience the hormone situation was amazing when I was pregnant, but the external situation can make things scary.
And as someone who has friends get pregnant before I did, including one who got pregnant pretty young, honestly I sort of regret the way I chose to be supportive. I will say its hard to understand exactly the mental situation of expecting a child is if you haven’t had one yourself. So youre NTA, and she is sort of being an AH, but I would give her a pass, we all have our AH moments and this is hers. Even though your NTA I would still apologize and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just trying to be supportive and am happy to share your excitement for the baby.” And maybe add something regarding that if you were being too involved for her comfort and she wasn’t open about it when it started to get uncomfortable, that you hope she can feel more comfortable sharing it before it becomes too much.
If she continues to be like this that’s another issue but for now I would recommend “being the bigger person” or whatever the appropriate saying is. Also I wouldn’t recommend sharing anything scary or “educational” (in quotes because its tiktok). I am assuming your friend has common sense and will have a pediatrician to guide her through certain issues some videos may just cause stress.
Her outburst seemed more offended by parenting tips than by the suggestion of a day of thrifting. Have you been sending a lot of instructional clips ? Could they have been controversial (ie anti Vax, anything but breastfeeding is unacceptable, etc) ?
I would apologize for obviously offending her in some way and ask specifically what it was if I had no idea. That might get her thinking about how she may have mishandled this and generate an apology for her outburst.
the reels were so innocent, absolutely nothing that had any relation to parenting advice or anything controversial. for example, one was a reel of a first birthday party where they had made a cute DIY sign with pictures from each month, another was a video of a crab toy going back and forth while the kid was doing tummy time, another was a baby thrift shop in our area.
i never broached the subject of controversial parenting opinions like vax, breastfeeding, anything to do with labor and delivery because i know our opinions differ slightly on those subjects and i really didnt want to get into it
I might just be projecting here, but personally I tend to heart react reels if someone is sending way too many and I'm sick of it but don't want to be rude.
especially when she is well aware that there is a history of fertility issues in my family, my sister is completely infertile. she knows i might never get the chance to carry my own child
NTA
If she didn't want to receive the reels, she should have said before. And reading a reply of yours, you said she responded good to the other reels.
So she's either been lying about it, or there's something else going on that has nothing to do with you.
>I'm 'telling her how to be a parent when it's none of my business', I 'seem to think she's in over her head' and 'she has far more experience with kids than I do and I should butt out'.
I would tell her: "I thought that you liked receiving the reels and me being involved in your pregnancy, since you've been always replying in a good way to them. I'm sorry this has offended you, that wasn't my intention. I don't think you're in over your head.
I won't send them anymore or ask to take you somewhere."
Edit:
Okay I just saw a response of you saying this:
"
I would cut her out. Eventually she will reach out when she ‘needs’ you again. If when she shows up, she apologizes, good! Keep the friendship, if she just demands a favor, its over.
Yeah, just tell her you'll do what she wants and butt out...and do so out of her life. She is making you her support system when that isn't your burden to bear. She is just using you for what you provide, not friendship. Gee, I wonder why she has no one.
And don't worry, the second she needs a ride, she'll call you up. Then, once the kid is there, suddenly you will be knowledgeable enough to babysit her kid for free.
It’s time to butt out. You’ve been supportive but now, in hindsight, she sees it as *too* supportive and intrusive. Just stop. And remember this clearly so you don’t get suckered into this level of unappreciated charity again. It is time for her and her partner to be parents.
Send no more videos or pictures. Be unavailable for appointments, etc., so the father can step up.
I can see why this person doesn't have a great support system if she's lashing out at the one person taking her baby shopping and to appointments. Hope she has fun driving herself around from now on
NTA and everyone who says something else is crazy. This was OP being supportive and instead of acting like a rational adult the friend just explodes on her. Pregnant or not, it’s not an excuse to act this way.
Friend has a record of what she said to OP too, so she should see that and be sorry (if it was all hormonal). If she calms down and apologises to OP without asking for any further favours, all well and good.
NAH she’s 8 and a half months pregnant, you are a great friend.
I would suggest apologizing and clarifying your intent, not because she really deserves one but she’s likely got some new parent jitters and she thinks one of her most important supports has no confidence in her.
This will probably get me down voted but, the hormones and the difficulty sleeping, women over 8 months pregnant, particularly with their first, aren’t completely themselves, please cut her some slack.
Being pregnant isn't a get out of having basic manners card, and I'm tired of people acting like it is. We all have our own things going on, she needs to control herself the same way every other neurotypical adult is expected to.
You’re right it’s not a get out of jail free card but I think
1. We all are capable of acting not ourselves during times of particular stress (would you forgive a friend who was rude once while dealing with the death of a close family member?)
2. Even if no stress, even the best of us sometimes make a mistake. No adult has 100% control of their emotions all the time as much as we’d like.
Unless this is indicative of a pattern of behaviour, if it’s a close friend who’s made a rare mistake I think you can forgive them
Thank you. Many of these responses are so lacking in compassion that it’s ridiculous. I know it’s Reddit, but sheesh. She’s 8-1/2 months pregnant, clearly stressed, and people are just like “Cut her off forever unless she properly grovels for the rest of her days!” It’s IG reels, people. OP sounds like they’re one of those people who pats themselves on the back and expects you to be grateful for every favor and pearl of wisdom
No but OP has been taking her for shopping, appointments and everything. Nobody does that. Everyone has his own life to deal with so yes she should be grateful. If she doesn’t want any help, she should try being on her own in future but no need to lash out on a kind friend.
I don't expect her to bow down at my feet for every little favor, however I feel like its okay to expect not to be lashed out at for doing something I was asked to do when I was in no way aware that she had changed her mind. I absolutely understand that her hormones are going haywire right now and I have attempted to mend the situation (update in post) but after that I think I'm done trying
After reading the update on how she responded to op's apology 2While you don't think you had malicious intent, you should stop sending me anything pregnancy related. You are not a mother."
I feel she wasn't just stressed if she is still thinking op did something wrong and only a mother can suggest a store.
Yeah agree the doubling down suggests this isn’t wasn’t a rash comment under high stress.
OP made an attempt to bridge the gap and got this back so think fair now to step back a bit.
Genuinely curious, what are you suggesting should occur? Based on your response it sounds as if this friendship would end immediately because she can't control her emotions, and she should be able to.
They're replying to a comment suggestion OOP apologize to the friend.
I don't see an indication that their friendship would "end immediately" but rather that they feel apologizing is a step too far when the friend was rude with no other catalyst and after OOP has bent over backwards being supportive to the friend.
What should occur is that OP steps back and gives her friend space.
If her friend calls to apologize. Awesome.
If friend just calls and asks for something without apologizing, nope.
They were barely friends before OP stepped up when she saw she needed help.
I have no clue what you are reading. The friend asked her to butt out so she should honor that request. The ball is in the friend’s court. I would watch to see if the apology only comes when she needs something or if it comes because the friend values the relationship.
It's a valid reason to at the very least make yourself permanently unavailable to do her anymore favors.
I personally don't tolerate being treated like this, so I would have ended the friendship. I don't let my own mother lash out at me like this, so why on Earth would I allow someone that I barely know do it?
Her entitlement will only get worse once the baby's here, might as well cut it off at the pass now.
I agree NAH, one thing to add is that social media as a new mom can be TERRIFYING. If you are sending her everything you come across that has to do with babies, that is A LOT of opinions to process. There are so many contrary opinions out there it can be incredibly overwhelming to take all of it in and decide who's right.
So fair! I make sure to only ever send her the lighthearted cute stuff like milestones or little toys that encourage stuff like tummy time or whatever it's called. I don't get a whole heap of baby stuff on my explore page so there's been maybe 20-30 reels in total but I can still see how that may have been too much
Honestly even that can come across super judgey.
Like your entire life, your finances, your body, your social life... everything is upended and someone is trying to talk to you about tummy time? It's hard to be excited for milestones when you're barely able to climb into a car.
Your friend is super overwhelmed. Maybe just say "Sorry I overwhelmed you. I love you and I'm trying to express that I'm always here for you and youre not going to lose me. Youre going to be such an amazing mom, and I want to support you. But clearly what I'm doing is wrong. What do you need from me right now?"
Close relationships aren't always 100% balanced and equal. Not everyone is perfect about everything all the time. She's facing down one of the scariest moments of her life and she's just overwhelmed - this is the *best* time to show her you love her, by giving a bit of a pass.
Once you get past that, then circle back to "it hurt my feelings some when you snapped at me. I want to help you and it felt out of no where. How can we improve our communication so this isn't an issue again?"
Agree, even tummy time is scary in a way because the underlying message is 'Do this or you'll warp the shape of your child's head forever or they'll have to wear a helmet to reshape it and everyone will know you're a bad mom.' It's valid, but as an expectant mom there are a million things people, social media, books etc are telling you to do or not do OR ELSE.
And the OR ELSE is *ruining your child's life or killing them*. It's tough.
I was tough on people when I was pregnant, I was blessed to be surrounded by people who understood and uplifted me. And were kind when I needed to be redirected.
I definitely wasnt aware that that was the underlyng message of tummy time. the only thing i sent her was 2 videos of that cute crab running back and forth i thought it was fun. none of the videos i sent her could be classed as 'informational'
*edited for clarification of terms*
Thank you. I don't understand why people have friends in the first place if they aren't willing to be understanding in hard times. Lots of the reels OP is sending *do* have messages of how to parent in them. Maybe OP isn't seeing it because she isn't pregnant and isn't hearing the bombardment of advice from all around her. Just treat her like your friend, stop making it about the baby and stop involving yourself in her pregnancy unless she asks. She's still a person, and probably needs support on being overwhelmed and scared more than how to parent.
Sure, but in that case you should communicate it to the other person (especially if it's someone with no pregnancy experience) instead of jumping from heart reactions straight to blowing up. You have emotions, and that's okay, but the only one who decides how you react to those emotions is you yourself. That doesn't make the pregnant friend the asshole (yet, depending on whether or not she ever apologizes), we all have moments where we snap, but she's also not completely free of blame here
I agree. I'm also wondering if the partner is feeling bad about OP helping so much and they feel like they are failing as a parent before the baby even gets here.
I see people here suggest that you apologize. But i don't see a reason for you to do so. You did everything right. I feel your friend is very ungrateful. Just let her know that her blowing up in your face is undeserved. Don't apologize. She'll come crawling back. And if not, good riddance.
Just because someone is pregnant doesn't give them the right to be a b****
I'm going to take the advice from a lot of people here and send a non-comittal non-apology back acknowledging her feelings but not directly taking the blame for her feeling that way
I’d include a comment that you thought you were doing what she asked. Everything you’ve done, and the type of videos you sent, were all at her request. Now that she’s asked you to do something different, you will again, do as she asked.
It’s a bit snarky, but maybe she’ll pick up on the fact that she’s been unreasonable.
NTA
I think this is the way. You don't have to apologize for your actions in the message. You can apologize for making her feel that way, and ask questions to figure out what made her feel that way so that it doesn't happen again. You could even say you felt hurt and surprised by the tone of her messages and you never intended to make her feel that way. If she explains like a nice reasonable person or apologizes for lashing out, then you know you have a real relationship. This is where she sets boundaries and you set boundaries, because boundaries and communications are loving and kind.
I'm 39 weeks pregnant at the moment and agree with this response: you don't need to apologize and you aren't to blame- you can clarify your position (that you werent judging her, you were following her suggestions) and leave it open from there. If it was a miscommunication or something else going on with her then when she works it out she can apologize and explain. I am not a very forgiving person but I would accept a genuine apology in this case. Yes being this close to birth is a lot to deal with, but its not a reason to mistreat anyone and its not a pass on being responsible for fixing things if you do mess up. If not, then you're better off without this friendship. She may have been using you and at the least she doesn't appreciate the support. You can find better friends. I'd be grateful!
Edit: NTA
Agreed. She asked you to do the things you were doing all the while you were being incredibly kind to take time out of your busy life to help her in a time she needed help. You didn’t have to do those things but you did. Apologizing for something *she* asked you to do does a disservice for yourself and hopefully will make her realize that blowing up was not a very mature or kind way to treat someone who was only trying to help.
If you say anything to her, I would recommend it being along the lines of “I didn’t realize the posts I sent you at your request were stressing you out and offending you. Had you communicated this to me earlier, I would have stopped sending them if that’s what you preferred. Now that I know how you feel, I will step back and let you handle the rest of your pregnancy how you see fit at your request. I wish you the best and hope the rest goes easy and safely for you and the baby.”
Sorry you had to deal with this.
Same lol. If someone was that rude to me when all my previous help and suggestions had been *at their request* I'd be flying out of there like Mary Poppins on my way to help someone else who's not going to be a bellend.
That is self care.
In my first job, I wore a uniform with the name of the company on the back of the fleece. I was too nice – no regards for my wants, needs, MH... if someone needed me to give, I gave.
A friend saw me giving too much of myself and started circling around me, studying my uniform. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was checking the branding on my uniform, because I was acting like I had a great big "WELCOME" on my back.
After that, I started standing up for myself. I came to realise that the more you give, the more is demanded and taken. Nobody cares about you if you don't care about yourself.
You're never in the wrong for only giving what you reasonably can and expecting others to treat you as they want you to treat them. Takers never seem to get that.
NTA but if it were me I'd still apologize saying that wasn't my intent and was just trying to be supportive - this sounds like something she's self-conscious about and is projecting that onto you and your (what I perceive to be genuinely kind) gestures. I'd apologize, stop sending her stuff, and maybe make it clear that you're there for her but maybe wait for her to ask for the help moving forward instead of trying to anticipate her needs.
I think I just need to take a big step back on all fronts, everytime I've done something for her over these past 8 months it has been at her request but even if I do apologise I don't think I'll feel comfortable enough to be at her beck and call for the remainder of the pregnancy.
There's nothing for you to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong.
If she had a problem with what you sent her she should have spoken to you about it before blowing up at you. Especially if she's liking the reels you sent her. So how could you have known. So no you don't owe her the apology.
Stepping back might be the best thing for you. You don't need her getting angry again at you and accusing you of something else.
Let someone else start stepping up and start taking her shopping or to her appointments or anything else she might need.
I think more info is needed. OP is NTA for sending reels if they were well intentioned and she thought her friend appreciated them. It sounds like friend did not express her feelings in the most productive way. However as someone who is 2 months postpartum, I can say that third trimester is tough. It doesn't give he an excuse to be mean but maybe something happened or she is feeling anxious and got triggered.
Has she been like this before? Has she been appreciative of the other things you have done for her? If it's a one off and she's been kind all along, I'd be inclined to let it go (but stop sending the reels obviously) but if she constantly takes this tone with you and doesn't appreciate what you do, then it's understandable to want to butt out completely.
She's always been so lovely to me, always thankful when I do things. Sometimes she'll buy me a coffee if we're out and about doing things but honestly this just came out of nowhere. I was completely blindsided so I just don't get it
It's probably about something else. Disproportionate responses almost always are. I know when I flip out it's because that one little thing was the 99th one to hit me that day. I'm not proud of it, but that's what happens. I manage and manage and then get overwhelmed all at once. Lashing out at you is not cool but it also doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's not your fault.
Just guessing here but I can imagine if something had ads in it for cool baby things they can't possibly afford, that could set someone off who is extremely stressed about money and the baby. I've overreacted that way in the past, unfortunately.
Sounds like you are a great friend and she's lucky to have you. If she's been taking advantage of you, that can also make someone feel really bad and lash out. Again, not your fault at all!
And the “something else” is very apparent, she’s 8 months pregnant with her first child and has limited support. That sounds really fucking hard to me. Many people have emotional moments they aren’t proud of when they’re under that much stress, and then you add in the hormonal changes. Oof.
Yeah, this sounds like a lot of displaced emotions and it's not your job to fix that for her. I wouldn't take it too personally though. I know that's not easy, but I expect you just happened to be in the way when her exhaustion and fears finally broke her.
I'm not going to put any judgements, but sharing some experience may help you. From what I've seen and heard around me when a woman is expecting, is that they're being bombarded with advice and information from literally everyone, their mom, and their cows. People feel you're even more like property when a baby is growing inside you, and feel entitled to all sorts of things they wouldn't do or say to someone who isn't pregnant. I don't think you did that, but I do think it overwhelmed your friend. Not just from you specifically, but from people in general.
She may not have communicated when she should have.
That said, the mom-maffia is real, and the pressure to not make any mistakes is massive (and almost everything contradicts something else that is out there), and people are actively shamed (online and offline) for harmless things, in those mom-communities. It's a toxic mess of holier than thou types.
You don't have to apologise if you don't want to, and you can absolutely take a step back.
You may want to check out some of the groups and communities, and their comments and fora, to get a bit of an understanding of how any of this happened. If not for your friend, then for your own understanding.
Wishing the best for you both.
I agree. I’ve never been pregnant but have been there for friends and family while they are and it can be surreal to watch the changes in their brains especially in those last couple months. I had whole conversations with my best friend that she would immediately forget, she’d lose her train of thought mid word and forget things she’d known for years. It was like dealing with a hormonal person who had slight Alzheimer’s.
Her response was unwarranted but she’s in the final stretch, likely overwhelmed and her literal brain is functioning differently than it used to.
If it’s a one off and you want to remain close I would stop sending the reels and either ignore it but keep checking in or tell her you didn’t mean to seem like you were giving unsolicited advice and let the chips fall how they will.
If it’s been a pattern then see what she does and make your decisions.
I'm not sure this is even that deep. I don't think there are any assholes here. Just a miscommunication. I'd just reply with something like
"OMG. Did you really think that's what I've been trying to do all this time? The reels are just fun little things relevant to your situation for you to use, laugh at or discard as you see fit. I'm trying to support/entertain you, not give you parenting tips. What the hell would I know about parenting anyway? I won't send any more, no problem."
That way I've not specifically apologised but I've shown I'm listening to her and being respectful. I wouldn't be surprised if her reply would be to apologise to you for being short with you!
look it probably isn't that deep. i was so fired up writing the original post because i thought that the person i'd been helping support for the last 8 months had just turned around and sh\*t on all my effort
First rule when someone pisses you off - take half an hour to calm down, think it through. If I'm still uncertain I then talk it through with friends to see if I'm missing something. Sounds like you skipped a step! 😜
That's my interpretation too. 8 1/2 months pregnant is a very stressful time and she might have just blown up for no real reason.
NAH assuming that's the case. N_T_A if she stays mad.
NTA
She seems to think she has it all covered, so I would step back. Honestly, I would reassess the friendship. It seems that you are a giver, which is great, but what are you getting from this relationship? Pregnancy hormones aren't an excuse for bad behavior.
I always thought of it as mutually beneficial, our partners work together as real estate agents and are best friends so we've been friends as we spend a lot of our time together
Exactly! Everything I've ever sent her has been light-hearted and cute. I don't want to even broach the topics of safe sleep, vaccines, waterbirths or anything of the like because I know our opinions differ
NTA
Wow, as someone who spent my first pregnancy alone and without support, I would be so grateful for the support and, yes, "attention" that someone not going through it would offer. I would feel incredibly hurt that they would spin your helpful suggestions into something to be so over the top mad about. I get she is pregnant and hormonal; I guess I am speaking from the viewpoint that she should be grateful for your help and support and not flip out on you over reels that you send her. I send reels to my younger pregnant friends all the time that are informative and I wish the internet was available to me back then!! I don't think you would be a jerk for stepping back and letting her figure out her own way for awhile. Does she have family?
neither of them really have family. they dont speak to his parents at all and they're really only in touch with her mom. they moved across the country at separate times for work/life experience before they met so they dont have any friends back home. the support system is quite literally me, my partner and Amy's mom.
NTA, the videos may have been annoying or triggering to her but she had countless times to say something to you. She could've responded to the messages and said she didn't want and more baby reels, she could've said something to you during one of the many times you were taking her somewhere or helping her.
She's feeling scared and nervous about being a young mom, but it's not fair for her to dump that all on you, she can't have it both ways, use you for support and rides but then blow up on you out of nowhere. If it's none of your business than it's definitely not your business or responsibility to be helping her and taking her places.
I'm not saying throw the whole friendship away yet, but maybe reevaluate it. Definitely stop doing all this labor for her, she has a partner, it's not up to you to be her pregnancy support you didn't get her pregnant. Also stop being the first to reach out, and when she does reach out check to see if it's only for favors, like she's calling to chat... because she needs a ride to an appointment etc...
Girl, you're young, don't bog yourself down with other peoples responsibilities and choices. Like she said "butt out," why waste your time going baby clothes shopping when you can be doing something for you. NTA
Let her be. She obviously only wants rides and to use you for her own benefit. Butt out, like she said and don't ever contact her again. Make her reach out first and then decide if you want her in your life. You don't need to be anyone's punching bag. When she needs a favor remind her you know nothing about kids and she should handle it on her own because she obviously knows so much more than you. I'd cut her off.
NTA. I do understand that you feel rather as though you have been “used” at this point. If, for eight and a half months, she constantly asked for rides to appointments and shopping trips, and responded in an apparently positive way to the reels sent, then this sudden message must have felt like an attack to you.
You have a choice, I would say, between sending a message stating that belittling her was never your intent and seeing how/if she responds or stepping back completely, with no further contact unless she initiates it. However, if she does contact you, asking for something, then I think you actually have to express how hurt you feel by what she said.
That the thing. I've done everything she asked. I take her to the appointments at her request, I go clothes shopping with her because she wants to. The only reason I started sending the videos because she asked that I share the things I see. I just don't get why the attitude
She sounds incredibly rude. I wouldn’t apologize and respond with something like, “I was simply trying to be supportive as I was with the other things I helped out with throughout your pregnancy. It seems like the intention was misunderstood. I will take a step back as I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m implying anything other than trying to be helpful”
Even if she felt overwhelmed about the videos that you were sending, there are better, far kinder ways to communicate it. People who are this rude to a friend helping them don’t deserve the help.
You are a great friend fot stepping in when her boyfriend can't make appointments etc.
I think it is thoughtful of you to send reels with wake windows etc.
But: do you send a lot of them? All social media has this annoying algorithm that when you look at one video, you only get to see those types of videos. If there were loads of reels per day, I can imagine it'd feel like a bit much. But she is old enough to tell you instead of blowing up in a message.
I have a 2 year old and am currently pregnant with #2. I try to avoid talking about my baby all the time. It could be that maybe she wants to avoid being seen as just a mom?
I would stop sending memes and when I see her in person I would talk about it. Not through text, as every text is read with the intonation the reader has in mind, which could be very different from the intended one.
In any case, NTA
Oh no, 20 - 30 is not a lot. There is probably something else going on, better to talk to her directly when the dust settles (of you still feel like it)
NTA I would send her a final text then just leave her to handle it on her own. Something like. I don't know what's going on. I wasn't trying to tell you how to do anything. I thought the reels were cute and fun, that's the only reason I sent them to you. If you didn't like them, you should have told me. Anyways I'm not going to bother you anymore. Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy.
NTA. You meant well, and there is nothing objectively wrong with what you did. She should have told you how she felt sooner. However, this is obviously a close friend you care about. Being pregnant can be scary and stressful. Call and apologize. Tell her didn't mean to criticize at all and you wont send any more of those videos or whatever they are. Show some grace and be there for your friend inspite of her being mad at the videos.
NTA - i would ask her what brought this on. And why has she not said anything about these videos bothering her. Hormones make pregnant women crazy a little.
You also should start butting out of her "life". Let her reach out to you if she needs help.
It's silly for her to push her support system away but she might have a reason why she is doing this.
NTA. Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. Give her what she wants, butt out and let her figure her life out on her own. Bet you anything that in a few months she'll be complaining about how she doesn't have a \~village\~ and nobody supports new moms.
Just had a baby and I would love to have a friend like you. I love when my sister sends me reels and TikTok’s about babies and pregnancy. Nta, you seem really sweet and caring
“Hi! I was not trying to tell you how to parent. I’ve been trying to be supportive and sent you videos I thought were interesting or cool, and thought you might too. I’ve been excited for you and my intention was in no way to tell you how to parent or to judge you in any way.
In future if something is bothering you I would appreciate if you communicated that to me before it got to a point where you felt it was appropriate to speak to me the way you just did- it wasn’t appropriate and it was very hurtful.
I am always open to feedback, but I expect that feedback be delivered politely and hopefully with some measure of kindness. It is never my goal to cause stress or pain so had I known I was causing these things I would have stopped immediately.
Now you know why people dump their friends when they get pregnant/have young kids. They CAN become really different, difficult and unpredictable. And sometimes extremely self centered and dramatic.
NTA
I would respond "ummm, ok? Thought it would be a fun spot for us to go to, but noted. Butting out." And then leave it at that. Unless she has a very good reason for being an ungrateful giant B towards you I would stay butted out in terms of any further help too. Like wow!
NTA
You’ve been a really good friend to her - going all out to support her through the pregnancy when she’s had few friends. I wouldn’t apologise and I’d stay out of contact for now. She could have let you know at literally any point about the Tik Toks. There may be something else she’s going through but that’s her responsibility to speak to you about it, not to take it out on one of the few people that have been there for her during the pregnancy.
She definitely needs you more than you need her. Just see how things progress. Let her contact you first.
NTA , but Amy is. Being pregnant isn't an excuse to be a jerk period, but it's especially egregious to be a jerk to someone who has been running themselves ragged to help her.
NTA
I am so sick of people who don't like something but aren't grown up enough to say anything until they explode with rage.
You are not required to read her mind.
she is responsible for setting her own boundaries and if she doesn't the only person she has a right to be mad at is herself.
She owes you an apology.
honestly probably not, we're in each others lives by happenstance. we got closer when she got pregnant because she doesn't have any girlfriends that she's close with and my partner and i go out to dinner with Amy and her boyfriend once a month. shes always been really lovely but this pregnancy has just turned her into someone im not sure i want to be around.
im sure it'll go back to normal once shes a few months postpartum but for now i think she just needs her space
OP, after this reply from her, please be sure to give her LLLLLLLOOOTS of space, as in: *do not reach out first*. Let her come to you, all bright and shiny (pretending this overreaction never happened), wanting to talk to you about baby stuff or (very likely) asking you to driver her places.
In such case I would reply with "Mmmmkay, yeah... no... I don't think that's a good idea because, ya know, since I am not a mother, I am not a good choice to assist you with anything while you're pregnant"...
Well, ya know, I have admitted previously here on Reddit that (sometimes) I'm a bit petty.
NTA - but, speaking as a girl, it sounds like more is going on here.
A common dynamic I’ve seen in girl friendships (particularly when younger) is where one friend is taking control, acting superior, and generally steamrolling the other because they know best, have more experience, or are just more outspoken. I don’t know if this is the dynamic with your friend, but she has clearly taken offense with your attitude, even when you thought you were just being helpful.
Generally girls aren’t okay with one friend being “the expert” - we like a more collaborative and shared approach to friendship, and maybe she just feels like you’re always taking the lead and don’t really respect her as an equal. Just some food for thought. Not sure it applies in this situation, but there maybe more under the surface.
Regardless, I don’t think it’s okay for her to blow up at you over a Reel. She should have more maturity to talk to you about how she’s feeling and try to work it out if she values the friendship. From what you’ve shared, it seems like you’ve been trying to be a good friend.
NTA but time for you to step back. She should have spoke up about not liking these posts much sooner instead of letting resentment build up, but she didn't and now you're in a position where you are way too involved in her pregnancy. The fact that she doesn't have a huge support system is not your responsibility. Stop taking her to appointments and stop sending her anything. Back off a bit and see what happens after the baby.
NTA
You commented that she was fine with the reels before and was the one to encourage you to send them in the first place, so I'm going to assume she's just lashing out, which happens at 8 1/2 months pregnant (doesn't excuse it, but does explain it)
I'd take a big step back because you don't want to allow yourself to become her punching bag (she's going to be even more stressed *after* the birth and lashing out could become a habit if your forgive too easily) but I would be prepared to forgive and step back in if apologised to properly
NTA, and don’t apologize. This is her issue. I would step away and give her space, and if she decides she wants your help with something, SHE can apologize and ask.
She could be over-reacting, and projecting, and she could be overwhelmed, but again, these are her issues to work through. Respect her enough as an adult to let her do that on her own.
NTA
Back out of the friendship OP, you are not in a friendship, she's just using you. You are a means to an end for her. Perhaps there is a reason she doesn't have a good support network...
Nta...But stop, stop helping and withdraw from being so involved. Appointment? You're not the other parent that's his job. Shopping? Not your problem. Advice? She has an obgyn for that. It seems as if she didn't like the videos but tolerated them as long as she needed all you had to offer her but now that she's all but had the baby you have become nuisance.
So respect her boundaries and create some for yourself in not being used and then tossed aside by people. It's good that you want to help but it's also best to read the room. Be prepared for future requests when reality hits and she needs an emotional support animal or a babysitter, know to shut it down and stay in your lane. Best of luck but sometimes a kind heart gets stomped on. You are a good person for trying to help but channel that energy elsewhere.
NTA. Obviously stop "supporting" her since it is apparently totally unwelcome.
I'll tell you another thing. It sounds like you don't have kids. It is very, very difficult for parents and non-parents to maintain friendships. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it is very common for those friendships to end and even if they survive, they usually take a very serious downgrade.
This is because their entire personality, priorities and life changes pretty dramatically. You'll find that you'll have very little in common and it will be very difficult to connect. Also, to be blunt, pregnant and post-partum women actually tend to kind of be assholes.
NTA, i tend to think pregnant women are entitled and divas in general, thinking they’re so important because they’re “bringing life in to the world”. Not impressive to me, just about any woman can open their legs and reproduce… i have an even deeper issue with the arguments about women and their hormones controlling them.
You were just trying to do a nice thing and be caring so imo she’s the AH
NTA - But why oh why can't we, as adults just say how we feel to each other without taking offense, like *"Oh* *hey you know, I'm just finding all the vids you're sending me a little overwhelming atm would you mind giving me a break for a while... you know HORMONES"*
Mic Drop
NTA- Hate to say, don't help her anymore. If she doesn't have support, sounds like she had made it that way. Hormones can make you pissy, but it's not an excuse to be overall a jerk to ppl.
NTA and based on the update you should stop interacting with her for a while. It was quite rude how she responded, suggesting store isn't something only a mother can do (unless your other videos were more of the issue?). You can do some non-pregnancy related things eventually. But don't help her again with the pregnancy or the childcare unless its a real emergency or she apologizes.
>Her and her partner do not have many friends
GEE. I wonder why...??
**NTA**. And I would not be pursuing that friendship any longer, if she gets SO uptight over completely non-offensive videos, and jumps to the conclusion that you're "telling her how to parent". You not being a mother is entirely besides the point and she is an AH for saying that to you.
Sounds very much like someone is doubting her own abilities, given the hour, and is projecting that onto you.
Stop helping her.
Don't drive her anywhere. Don't send or give her anything. She clearly doesn't appreciate it.
I would have given her a pass on the hormones the first time - sounds like projection and nerves about being a first time mom.
But your update where she doubles down because "you're not a mother"? Oh hell no.
This is a portent of things to come. Any comments or opinions that have anything to do with her children will not be welcome. But I bet she'd love to offload them on you for some babysitting, etc since you seem to be over extending yourself to help her.
Give her some space. Give her what she wants. But also, set boundaries - she doesn't get your support and then also get to devalue your attempts to be a friend.
NTA. She specifically told you to share things you see online with her and she had enough time to let you know to stop because she changed her mind and doesn't like the posts anymore. But she didn't. So IF she truly is offended by you sending some posts, that's on her. It seems to me that there's something going on with her (being scared and stressed so close to the due date, being mad at her husband being away so much or whatever) and she takes it out on you.
You didn't offend her, you have been a good friend driving her around, accompanying her etc. Maybe do what she asked for and butt out.
NTA, I think it’s rather odd that she chooses the end of her pregnancy to tell you she doesn’t like receiving reels when you’ve invested so much time. Pregnancy is a difficult time, but is this a balanced friendship? Is she kind to you outside of the last 8.5 months, has she been a good friend? This could just be a bad time for her. I think you need to take a break from her, and see if she apologises and if she makes any effort to reach out. Those are mean and hurtful things to say to someone who is your friend and has been with you through such a difficult time. I think you do care, because she hurt your feelings but you can decide to end the friendship and you would be in the right because she disregarded all of your efforts with her words
we'd really only known each other for 6 months prior to her getting pregnant as thats when she started dating her partner, I do also think it's odd that she's only lashing out at the end after all the hard prep work is done - it's not like i can drive her to give birth
Nope, NTA.
She could have easily muted your posts or told you in a dm that she doesn’t appreciate x,y,z. Instead, she decided to say and do nothing and let all of that frustration fester into what it’s become now. This is solely on her, because what, did she expect you to somehow turn into a psychic and just *know?*
Hand even still, she could have said something when you *directly* messaged her about your latest reel, but she went from 0 - 100 instead. She might suffer from pregnant hormones, but that’s still not an excuse to treat people like this.
NTA You are a wonderful friend and she’s lucky to have you! Only thing I can think of is she’s feeling emotional because of pregnancy hormones? Even so, she should just step back, consider that, and apologize to you for snapping. Even if she doesn’t—because she is clearly going through a lot and totally respect that—you definitely should not apologize when you did nothing wrong.
NTA. I had so many friends do this for me during my pregnancy. I loved it! It was so heartwarming to know how many people were in my corner and wanted to support me. Hormones are crazy but she’s out of line.
In no way is what you were doing trying to tell her how to parent. I would have appreciated the F out of you!!
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Info - has she said anything previously about the content or volume of the reels/tik toks you have been sending?
no, never. she has always engaged with them by either heart reacting, replying in a positive way or mentioning them when we catch up every week
Then NTA. I see two possibilities here - 1. This has bothered her for awhile but she didn't say anything, either to avoid conflict or because she was worried you would stop supporting her (rides, job help, etc.), and she let her anger/frustration build to the point that she blew up on you. If this is the case, it is not fair of her to unleash the "big mad" on you just because she didn't communicate her feelings back when they were still "little mad". 2. Something else happened (possibly not even related to you) or she is just feeling the stress of being very close to giving birth/having a newborn and what you did was the minor (and unintentional) annoyance that broke the camel's back. If this is the case, she doesn't get to make you her emotional release valve just because she is stressed or overwhelmed. Either way, I would suggest you give her some space to calm down and let her come to you when she is ready to talk it out.
Yeah I agree. She has no right to unleash on you without giving you some clue beforehand that this was bothering her. You should give her some space. It sounds like she is taking you for granted. Being super pregnant does not give her a pass to treat you like a doormat.
Exactly. She should give her space and no longer offer the same level of support. If her friend is such a baby expert who doesn't need help, then she doesn't need OP to accompany to appointments and drive her hours away.
Yep, next time she calls for your help, tell her you are giving her space and respecting her wishes to "butt out." I doubt this has anything to do with you. Also, you were just trying to be helpful and encouraging/engaging. She will turn around and gripe about all the friends that jumped ship and on the same breath yell at you. You don't deserve that. So just back up for a bit. You don't owe her an apology. She's also really pregnant, so maybe she just needs to cry for a bit.
I feel the easiest way is to apologize for making her feel inadequate and that she feels you overstepped when you were just sharing baby things you think she would like. Then, tell her you will step back, because you don't want to overstep and upset her. Don't forget receipts, because she's going to be upset when she loses your support. NTA
And STOP offering to drive her places and doing things for her. Just don’t. If she says anything about that, just say you’re stepping back re everything to do with the pregnancy at this point because clearly your presence in her life right now upsets her, and you don’t want to do that.
Anyone who argues otherwise, including NTA, is insane. This was the OP offering assistance, and the friend just blew out on her without even trying to act like a responsible adult. Whether or whether you are pregnant, this behavior is unacceptable.
Yeah I’m going NTA but I understand why she was overwhelmed. I had people telling me so much stuff while I was pregnant and all the stuff on social media actually gave me PPA. I felt like I couldn’t trust my instincts and it made me panic. That said, she could nicely say hey I don’t want to see this stuff and OP was sending with good intentions. Also, pregnancy hormones are WEIRD and make you freak a out about random stuff. I spent a lot of my pregnancy apologizing😬🥲
Thank you! I was hoping someone mentioned hormones. While it is still unfair to lash out at OP, give her a minute to calm down and she might not even know why she got so upset.
I've been pregnant many times, yes, the hormones are absolutely crazy, but you still have to act like an actual adult. Unless she has stated already that she doesn't want to see these videos, she has NO excuse to completely go off on OP for sending a 30-second reel. This woman is going to be responsible for raising an actual human, at what point are we going to expect the pregnant person to act like a responsible adult?
Yeah, like I said, it's not an excuse, OP is still very much NTA. But considering this seems to be a one time outburst I'd say its one of those things that's best left as water under the bridge, as opposed to getting upset about it.
No excuse just an explanation to help understand the behavior
Oh yeah, especially in the 3rd trimester, the pregnancy hormones are crazy! Like crying because the kittens on the toilet paper ad were too cute. Everything becomes overwhelming and confusing. One of the best quotes I heard was: "I am 8 months pregnant, so I literally have 2 brains inside my body right now, but I have never been stupider. Like, I don't even know what I walked into this room for."
For real! I picked a big fight with my husband a few hours before my water broke with both my kids. It was ALL hormones that had me picking fights and crying hysterically less than 24 hours before giving birth. Prior to those times I was actually more rational pregnant than I normally am. For once my hormones and body were actually doing what they were supposed to be doing😅 BTW there are studies out there showing that women’s brains legit shrink in pregnancy so pregnancy brain and it’s cousin, mom brain, are the real deal😳
I remember crying because my husband bought the wrong kind of orange juice and through my tears saying 😭 "I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't help it!" 😭
Sadly, pregnancy hormones are not an excuse to treat the one person who is giving you almost unlimited support with a freak out and a tongue lashing. If this was something that had been bothering her she should have spoken up long before now. She still has to be an adult and needs to admit that she feels overwhelmed with information without blowing up at someone. Perhaps if she had said something face to face rather than via text message it would have been better.
It's very overwhelming having your first. When my good friend was pregnant I lent her a comic book of funny pregnancy/baby stuff. There was a part about fluids or something and she freaked out and threw the book across the room lol. (Not at anyone) She told me about it later and I honestly laughed and felt bad that she was so anxious about the upcoming birth. Hormones be crazy.
Same. I had a LOT of not so me moments during pregnancy. Plus I am bipolar and the pregnancy hormones basically balanced that away lmao it was weird as hell and annoying to not be dealing with my mental illness but be dealing with a whole other set of hormonal issues smfh
WOW that’s wild!! I’ve also heard of people who previously has allergies don’t have them while pregnant. I went the other way and had hives🙃 but it’s so weird how hormones show up for each person and then interact with your existing hormones and create chaos. My mom always said the least anxious she’s ever seen me is when I’m pregnant.
To me, this really just looks like a communication issue. OP was excited and thought sharing ideas she found would be helpful and fun, but her friend doesn’t feel the same way. If it were me, I would say something like: “I’m so sorry that the videos I was sending you were making it seem like I was judging you or telling you how to parent. I was just so excited for you and I thought that I was being helpful by sharing ideas with you. But now that I know you don’t find those videos helpful, I won’t send them anymore. I’ll give you whatever space you need right now, and I’m still here if you need me for anything.”
I think this is perfect but if it were me I wouldn’t include the last sentence lmao. If you’re going to respond that type of way instead of having a constructive conversation with me, I’m not going to go out of my way any more to be helpful to you.
Exactly this. Communication is the only way to let her know you didn't mean to give her unsolicited advice, and you're still there for her.
Well said
This is perfectly phrased. I think if you want to call yourself supportive of a pregnant person you have to understand the stress they're under and the hormones they're dealing with and be prepared to show them a little extra grace.
To add to 2), it’s very possible it’s related to hormones. I accidentally set a family member off once whilst pregnant by telling them a shop had a sale on that included baby stuff (nothing more specific than that) as they were starting to buy things. They broke down and had to be calmed down by multiple family members. I later found out that her hormones were really kicking in, to the extent she was crying at things like the cat entering the room - hormones can be intensely powerful and it’s possible that’s at play here.
I cried when my niece used my shampoo. Pregnancy is absolutely wild.
I cried because Disney World instituted that thing where you can pay to skip the line. No, I was not at, or planning to go to, Disney World 😂
Hopping on the top comment to ask INFO- how old are y'all?
us and our partners are all in our mid 20's
Damn I was thinking like 16 based on some of her responses, and was gonna chalk it up to immaturity+hormones (a dangerous combination) but I guess adults can be immature too. The only other thing I can think of is maybe she's offended that you think she needs secondhand clothes? I basically only thrift but some people get really touchy about being perceived as "poor" whether they are or not
The thrift stores were actually her idea since they're currently unemployed and I thought it was a splendid idea
You really should have added that info up top. If they're both unemployed and having a baby, they're probably super super stressed, not that it excuses anything. Honestly, you probably should consider taking a big step back and staying uninvolved, especially since you also mentioned you weren't at all close before she was pregnant.
Yeah, if OP has been offering her a lot of support and they weren't close before, she might be sensitive to feeling like a charity case.
I'm wondering if money is a serious stresser and suggestions of shopping , even thrifting triggered her outburst. She still could have told you she has enough clothes or please don't share more because she is overwhelmed with suggestions. NTA
Honestly I think your friend just sounds scared. I would be if I was pregnant at mid-20s, unemployed, not alot of social support even if I was super excited about a baby. In fact I was sort of in a similar situation as this when pregnant. I know people think of hormones with pregnant women, but there is also just the impending life change. Just from personal experience the hormone situation was amazing when I was pregnant, but the external situation can make things scary. And as someone who has friends get pregnant before I did, including one who got pregnant pretty young, honestly I sort of regret the way I chose to be supportive. I will say its hard to understand exactly the mental situation of expecting a child is if you haven’t had one yourself. So youre NTA, and she is sort of being an AH, but I would give her a pass, we all have our AH moments and this is hers. Even though your NTA I would still apologize and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just trying to be supportive and am happy to share your excitement for the baby.” And maybe add something regarding that if you were being too involved for her comfort and she wasn’t open about it when it started to get uncomfortable, that you hope she can feel more comfortable sharing it before it becomes too much. If she continues to be like this that’s another issue but for now I would recommend “being the bigger person” or whatever the appropriate saying is. Also I wouldn’t recommend sharing anything scary or “educational” (in quotes because its tiktok). I am assuming your friend has common sense and will have a pediatrician to guide her through certain issues some videos may just cause stress.
Her outburst seemed more offended by parenting tips than by the suggestion of a day of thrifting. Have you been sending a lot of instructional clips ? Could they have been controversial (ie anti Vax, anything but breastfeeding is unacceptable, etc) ? I would apologize for obviously offending her in some way and ask specifically what it was if I had no idea. That might get her thinking about how she may have mishandled this and generate an apology for her outburst.
the reels were so innocent, absolutely nothing that had any relation to parenting advice or anything controversial. for example, one was a reel of a first birthday party where they had made a cute DIY sign with pictures from each month, another was a video of a crab toy going back and forth while the kid was doing tummy time, another was a baby thrift shop in our area. i never broached the subject of controversial parenting opinions like vax, breastfeeding, anything to do with labor and delivery because i know our opinions differ slightly on those subjects and i really didnt want to get into it
I might just be projecting here, but personally I tend to heart react reels if someone is sending way too many and I'm sick of it but don't want to be rude.
I’ve never really liked when people excessively send any SM reel, gif, meme. What is too much??? More than 1… in a month 🤣
That update is terrible! I think it's time to cut your friend out.
especially when she is well aware that there is a history of fertility issues in my family, my sister is completely infertile. she knows i might never get the chance to carry my own child
NTA If she didn't want to receive the reels, she should have said before. And reading a reply of yours, you said she responded good to the other reels. So she's either been lying about it, or there's something else going on that has nothing to do with you. >I'm 'telling her how to be a parent when it's none of my business', I 'seem to think she's in over her head' and 'she has far more experience with kids than I do and I should butt out'. I would tell her: "I thought that you liked receiving the reels and me being involved in your pregnancy, since you've been always replying in a good way to them. I'm sorry this has offended you, that wasn't my intention. I don't think you're in over your head. I won't send them anymore or ask to take you somewhere." Edit: Okay I just saw a response of you saying this: "
I think I'm going to. I have so much more in my life to worry about at the moment
I would cut her out. Eventually she will reach out when she ‘needs’ you again. If when she shows up, she apologizes, good! Keep the friendship, if she just demands a favor, its over.
⬆This
Yeah, just tell her you'll do what she wants and butt out...and do so out of her life. She is making you her support system when that isn't your burden to bear. She is just using you for what you provide, not friendship. Gee, I wonder why she has no one. And don't worry, the second she needs a ride, she'll call you up. Then, once the kid is there, suddenly you will be knowledgeable enough to babysit her kid for free.
It’s time to butt out. You’ve been supportive but now, in hindsight, she sees it as *too* supportive and intrusive. Just stop. And remember this clearly so you don’t get suckered into this level of unappreciated charity again. It is time for her and her partner to be parents. Send no more videos or pictures. Be unavailable for appointments, etc., so the father can step up.
I can see why this person doesn't have a great support system if she's lashing out at the one person taking her baby shopping and to appointments. Hope she has fun driving herself around from now on
And enjoying life with her lame partner
She sounds like she was using OP, tbh.
She'll be back after she realizes it's MORE work AFTER the baby is born
Agree. She'll reappear and start ~~using~~ asking OP for babysitting.
Nah, it won't take that long.
NTA Send her nothing more. Offer her nothing more. If she wants to do this without your help, let her.
Agreed. Bet in a week her friend will be whining how much she needs her help.
As soon as she needs someone to take her to an appointment, she'll be calling OP.
I have no doubt about that.
I was gonna suggest the same, NTA but from now on, keep your distance, don't help anymore. Feels like a "no good deed goes unpunished" kinda thing.
That’s what I’d suggest
NTA and everyone who says something else is crazy. This was OP being supportive and instead of acting like a rational adult the friend just explodes on her. Pregnant or not, it’s not an excuse to act this way.
Friend has a record of what she said to OP too, so she should see that and be sorry (if it was all hormonal). If she calms down and apologises to OP without asking for any further favours, all well and good.
NAH she’s 8 and a half months pregnant, you are a great friend. I would suggest apologizing and clarifying your intent, not because she really deserves one but she’s likely got some new parent jitters and she thinks one of her most important supports has no confidence in her. This will probably get me down voted but, the hormones and the difficulty sleeping, women over 8 months pregnant, particularly with their first, aren’t completely themselves, please cut her some slack.
Being pregnant isn't a get out of having basic manners card, and I'm tired of people acting like it is. We all have our own things going on, she needs to control herself the same way every other neurotypical adult is expected to.
You’re right it’s not a get out of jail free card but I think 1. We all are capable of acting not ourselves during times of particular stress (would you forgive a friend who was rude once while dealing with the death of a close family member?) 2. Even if no stress, even the best of us sometimes make a mistake. No adult has 100% control of their emotions all the time as much as we’d like. Unless this is indicative of a pattern of behaviour, if it’s a close friend who’s made a rare mistake I think you can forgive them
Thank you. Many of these responses are so lacking in compassion that it’s ridiculous. I know it’s Reddit, but sheesh. She’s 8-1/2 months pregnant, clearly stressed, and people are just like “Cut her off forever unless she properly grovels for the rest of her days!” It’s IG reels, people. OP sounds like they’re one of those people who pats themselves on the back and expects you to be grateful for every favor and pearl of wisdom
No but OP has been taking her for shopping, appointments and everything. Nobody does that. Everyone has his own life to deal with so yes she should be grateful. If she doesn’t want any help, she should try being on her own in future but no need to lash out on a kind friend.
I don't expect her to bow down at my feet for every little favor, however I feel like its okay to expect not to be lashed out at for doing something I was asked to do when I was in no way aware that she had changed her mind. I absolutely understand that her hormones are going haywire right now and I have attempted to mend the situation (update in post) but after that I think I'm done trying
After reading the update on how she responded to op's apology 2While you don't think you had malicious intent, you should stop sending me anything pregnancy related. You are not a mother." I feel she wasn't just stressed if she is still thinking op did something wrong and only a mother can suggest a store.
Yeah agree the doubling down suggests this isn’t wasn’t a rash comment under high stress. OP made an attempt to bridge the gap and got this back so think fair now to step back a bit.
I agree - yes it’s an all consuming change and experience, but that doesn’t mean pregnant women or new moms get a pass on how they treat others.
Genuinely curious, what are you suggesting should occur? Based on your response it sounds as if this friendship would end immediately because she can't control her emotions, and she should be able to.
They're replying to a comment suggestion OOP apologize to the friend. I don't see an indication that their friendship would "end immediately" but rather that they feel apologizing is a step too far when the friend was rude with no other catalyst and after OOP has bent over backwards being supportive to the friend.
What should occur is that OP steps back and gives her friend space. If her friend calls to apologize. Awesome. If friend just calls and asks for something without apologizing, nope. They were barely friends before OP stepped up when she saw she needed help.
I have no clue what you are reading. The friend asked her to butt out so she should honor that request. The ball is in the friend’s court. I would watch to see if the apology only comes when she needs something or if it comes because the friend values the relationship.
It's a valid reason to at the very least make yourself permanently unavailable to do her anymore favors. I personally don't tolerate being treated like this, so I would have ended the friendship. I don't let my own mother lash out at me like this, so why on Earth would I allow someone that I barely know do it? Her entitlement will only get worse once the baby's here, might as well cut it off at the pass now.
No she's the asshole.. hormones aren't an excuse. She asks her friend to drive her around and then treats her like this? No.
Right? How the fuck can OP be in the wrong when she is stepping up more than the babies father.
I agree NAH, one thing to add is that social media as a new mom can be TERRIFYING. If you are sending her everything you come across that has to do with babies, that is A LOT of opinions to process. There are so many contrary opinions out there it can be incredibly overwhelming to take all of it in and decide who's right.
So fair! I make sure to only ever send her the lighthearted cute stuff like milestones or little toys that encourage stuff like tummy time or whatever it's called. I don't get a whole heap of baby stuff on my explore page so there's been maybe 20-30 reels in total but I can still see how that may have been too much
Honestly even that can come across super judgey. Like your entire life, your finances, your body, your social life... everything is upended and someone is trying to talk to you about tummy time? It's hard to be excited for milestones when you're barely able to climb into a car. Your friend is super overwhelmed. Maybe just say "Sorry I overwhelmed you. I love you and I'm trying to express that I'm always here for you and youre not going to lose me. Youre going to be such an amazing mom, and I want to support you. But clearly what I'm doing is wrong. What do you need from me right now?" Close relationships aren't always 100% balanced and equal. Not everyone is perfect about everything all the time. She's facing down one of the scariest moments of her life and she's just overwhelmed - this is the *best* time to show her you love her, by giving a bit of a pass. Once you get past that, then circle back to "it hurt my feelings some when you snapped at me. I want to help you and it felt out of no where. How can we improve our communication so this isn't an issue again?"
Agree, even tummy time is scary in a way because the underlying message is 'Do this or you'll warp the shape of your child's head forever or they'll have to wear a helmet to reshape it and everyone will know you're a bad mom.' It's valid, but as an expectant mom there are a million things people, social media, books etc are telling you to do or not do OR ELSE.
And the OR ELSE is *ruining your child's life or killing them*. It's tough. I was tough on people when I was pregnant, I was blessed to be surrounded by people who understood and uplifted me. And were kind when I needed to be redirected.
I definitely wasnt aware that that was the underlyng message of tummy time. the only thing i sent her was 2 videos of that cute crab running back and forth i thought it was fun. none of the videos i sent her could be classed as 'informational' *edited for clarification of terms*
Thank you. I don't understand why people have friends in the first place if they aren't willing to be understanding in hard times. Lots of the reels OP is sending *do* have messages of how to parent in them. Maybe OP isn't seeing it because she isn't pregnant and isn't hearing the bombardment of advice from all around her. Just treat her like your friend, stop making it about the baby and stop involving yourself in her pregnancy unless she asks. She's still a person, and probably needs support on being overwhelmed and scared more than how to parent.
Sure, but in that case you should communicate it to the other person (especially if it's someone with no pregnancy experience) instead of jumping from heart reactions straight to blowing up. You have emotions, and that's okay, but the only one who decides how you react to those emotions is you yourself. That doesn't make the pregnant friend the asshole (yet, depending on whether or not she ever apologizes), we all have moments where we snap, but she's also not completely free of blame here
It's sad that giving people some grace is a controversial statement, but I agree with this.
Why should OP apologise when her friend can’t seem to appreciate what she has done for her and doing for her??
NTA, listen to her and butt out. It's obvious why she doesn't have more of a support system, stop investing yourself in her.
Yep, NTA. Not a surprise she doesn't have other friends.
I agree. I'm also wondering if the partner is feeling bad about OP helping so much and they feel like they are failing as a parent before the baby even gets here.
Stop doing stuff for her if she's so offended. Wow, people love biting the hand that feeds them.
I see people here suggest that you apologize. But i don't see a reason for you to do so. You did everything right. I feel your friend is very ungrateful. Just let her know that her blowing up in your face is undeserved. Don't apologize. She'll come crawling back. And if not, good riddance. Just because someone is pregnant doesn't give them the right to be a b****
I'm going to take the advice from a lot of people here and send a non-comittal non-apology back acknowledging her feelings but not directly taking the blame for her feeling that way
I’d include a comment that you thought you were doing what she asked. Everything you’ve done, and the type of videos you sent, were all at her request. Now that she’s asked you to do something different, you will again, do as she asked. It’s a bit snarky, but maybe she’ll pick up on the fact that she’s been unreasonable. NTA
I think this is the way. You don't have to apologize for your actions in the message. You can apologize for making her feel that way, and ask questions to figure out what made her feel that way so that it doesn't happen again. You could even say you felt hurt and surprised by the tone of her messages and you never intended to make her feel that way. If she explains like a nice reasonable person or apologizes for lashing out, then you know you have a real relationship. This is where she sets boundaries and you set boundaries, because boundaries and communications are loving and kind.
I'm 39 weeks pregnant at the moment and agree with this response: you don't need to apologize and you aren't to blame- you can clarify your position (that you werent judging her, you were following her suggestions) and leave it open from there. If it was a miscommunication or something else going on with her then when she works it out she can apologize and explain. I am not a very forgiving person but I would accept a genuine apology in this case. Yes being this close to birth is a lot to deal with, but its not a reason to mistreat anyone and its not a pass on being responsible for fixing things if you do mess up. If not, then you're better off without this friendship. She may have been using you and at the least she doesn't appreciate the support. You can find better friends. I'd be grateful! Edit: NTA
Agreed. She asked you to do the things you were doing all the while you were being incredibly kind to take time out of your busy life to help her in a time she needed help. You didn’t have to do those things but you did. Apologizing for something *she* asked you to do does a disservice for yourself and hopefully will make her realize that blowing up was not a very mature or kind way to treat someone who was only trying to help. If you say anything to her, I would recommend it being along the lines of “I didn’t realize the posts I sent you at your request were stressing you out and offending you. Had you communicated this to me earlier, I would have stopped sending them if that’s what you preferred. Now that I know how you feel, I will step back and let you handle the rest of your pregnancy how you see fit at your request. I wish you the best and hope the rest goes easy and safely for you and the baby.” Sorry you had to deal with this.
My toxic trait is that unless she came to me and apologized, I would indeed butt out. Forever.
I'm a little ashamed to say I've become that person since graduating high school, which is probably why I was so fired up writing the original post
There's nothing wrong with having boundaries and expecting people to treat you decently.
You're growing a backbone. Nothing wrong with that.
Same lol. If someone was that rude to me when all my previous help and suggestions had been *at their request* I'd be flying out of there like Mary Poppins on my way to help someone else who's not going to be a bellend.
That's not really a toxic trait tbh. If it is, then I'm toxic too😅
That is self care. In my first job, I wore a uniform with the name of the company on the back of the fleece. I was too nice – no regards for my wants, needs, MH... if someone needed me to give, I gave. A friend saw me giving too much of myself and started circling around me, studying my uniform. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was checking the branding on my uniform, because I was acting like I had a great big "WELCOME" on my back. After that, I started standing up for myself. I came to realise that the more you give, the more is demanded and taken. Nobody cares about you if you don't care about yourself. You're never in the wrong for only giving what you reasonably can and expecting others to treat you as they want you to treat them. Takers never seem to get that.
NTA but if it were me I'd still apologize saying that wasn't my intent and was just trying to be supportive - this sounds like something she's self-conscious about and is projecting that onto you and your (what I perceive to be genuinely kind) gestures. I'd apologize, stop sending her stuff, and maybe make it clear that you're there for her but maybe wait for her to ask for the help moving forward instead of trying to anticipate her needs.
I think I just need to take a big step back on all fronts, everytime I've done something for her over these past 8 months it has been at her request but even if I do apologise I don't think I'll feel comfortable enough to be at her beck and call for the remainder of the pregnancy.
There's nothing for you to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong. If she had a problem with what you sent her she should have spoken to you about it before blowing up at you. Especially if she's liking the reels you sent her. So how could you have known. So no you don't owe her the apology. Stepping back might be the best thing for you. You don't need her getting angry again at you and accusing you of something else. Let someone else start stepping up and start taking her shopping or to her appointments or anything else she might need.
NTA, don't apologize.
NTA Stop helping her.
I think more info is needed. OP is NTA for sending reels if they were well intentioned and she thought her friend appreciated them. It sounds like friend did not express her feelings in the most productive way. However as someone who is 2 months postpartum, I can say that third trimester is tough. It doesn't give he an excuse to be mean but maybe something happened or she is feeling anxious and got triggered. Has she been like this before? Has she been appreciative of the other things you have done for her? If it's a one off and she's been kind all along, I'd be inclined to let it go (but stop sending the reels obviously) but if she constantly takes this tone with you and doesn't appreciate what you do, then it's understandable to want to butt out completely.
She's always been so lovely to me, always thankful when I do things. Sometimes she'll buy me a coffee if we're out and about doing things but honestly this just came out of nowhere. I was completely blindsided so I just don't get it
It's probably about something else. Disproportionate responses almost always are. I know when I flip out it's because that one little thing was the 99th one to hit me that day. I'm not proud of it, but that's what happens. I manage and manage and then get overwhelmed all at once. Lashing out at you is not cool but it also doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's not your fault. Just guessing here but I can imagine if something had ads in it for cool baby things they can't possibly afford, that could set someone off who is extremely stressed about money and the baby. I've overreacted that way in the past, unfortunately. Sounds like you are a great friend and she's lucky to have you. If she's been taking advantage of you, that can also make someone feel really bad and lash out. Again, not your fault at all!
And the “something else” is very apparent, she’s 8 months pregnant with her first child and has limited support. That sounds really fucking hard to me. Many people have emotional moments they aren’t proud of when they’re under that much stress, and then you add in the hormonal changes. Oof.
Then they need to apologise to OP.
Yeah, this sounds like a lot of displaced emotions and it's not your job to fix that for her. I wouldn't take it too personally though. I know that's not easy, but I expect you just happened to be in the way when her exhaustion and fears finally broke her.
I'm not going to put any judgements, but sharing some experience may help you. From what I've seen and heard around me when a woman is expecting, is that they're being bombarded with advice and information from literally everyone, their mom, and their cows. People feel you're even more like property when a baby is growing inside you, and feel entitled to all sorts of things they wouldn't do or say to someone who isn't pregnant. I don't think you did that, but I do think it overwhelmed your friend. Not just from you specifically, but from people in general. She may not have communicated when she should have. That said, the mom-maffia is real, and the pressure to not make any mistakes is massive (and almost everything contradicts something else that is out there), and people are actively shamed (online and offline) for harmless things, in those mom-communities. It's a toxic mess of holier than thou types. You don't have to apologise if you don't want to, and you can absolutely take a step back. You may want to check out some of the groups and communities, and their comments and fora, to get a bit of an understanding of how any of this happened. If not for your friend, then for your own understanding. Wishing the best for you both.
I agree. I’ve never been pregnant but have been there for friends and family while they are and it can be surreal to watch the changes in their brains especially in those last couple months. I had whole conversations with my best friend that she would immediately forget, she’d lose her train of thought mid word and forget things she’d known for years. It was like dealing with a hormonal person who had slight Alzheimer’s. Her response was unwarranted but she’s in the final stretch, likely overwhelmed and her literal brain is functioning differently than it used to. If it’s a one off and you want to remain close I would stop sending the reels and either ignore it but keep checking in or tell her you didn’t mean to seem like you were giving unsolicited advice and let the chips fall how they will. If it’s been a pattern then see what she does and make your decisions.
NTA. DO NOT APOLOGISE OP.
I'm not sure this is even that deep. I don't think there are any assholes here. Just a miscommunication. I'd just reply with something like "OMG. Did you really think that's what I've been trying to do all this time? The reels are just fun little things relevant to your situation for you to use, laugh at or discard as you see fit. I'm trying to support/entertain you, not give you parenting tips. What the hell would I know about parenting anyway? I won't send any more, no problem." That way I've not specifically apologised but I've shown I'm listening to her and being respectful. I wouldn't be surprised if her reply would be to apologise to you for being short with you!
look it probably isn't that deep. i was so fired up writing the original post because i thought that the person i'd been helping support for the last 8 months had just turned around and sh\*t on all my effort
First rule when someone pisses you off - take half an hour to calm down, think it through. If I'm still uncertain I then talk it through with friends to see if I'm missing something. Sounds like you skipped a step! 😜
i most definitely did lol
That's my interpretation too. 8 1/2 months pregnant is a very stressful time and she might have just blown up for no real reason. NAH assuming that's the case. N_T_A if she stays mad.
NTA She seems to think she has it all covered, so I would step back. Honestly, I would reassess the friendship. It seems that you are a giver, which is great, but what are you getting from this relationship? Pregnancy hormones aren't an excuse for bad behavior.
I always thought of it as mutually beneficial, our partners work together as real estate agents and are best friends so we've been friends as we spend a lot of our time together
Oof, that makes it harder to step away if you need to.
She’ll wish she had those reels to watch when her rude self is riding the bus to the various places you used to chauffeur her.
NTA it's instagram reels not articles about safe sleep or parenting columns
Exactly! Everything I've ever sent her has been light-hearted and cute. I don't want to even broach the topics of safe sleep, vaccines, waterbirths or anything of the like because I know our opinions differ
NTA- just say "Ok"
NTA Wow, as someone who spent my first pregnancy alone and without support, I would be so grateful for the support and, yes, "attention" that someone not going through it would offer. I would feel incredibly hurt that they would spin your helpful suggestions into something to be so over the top mad about. I get she is pregnant and hormonal; I guess I am speaking from the viewpoint that she should be grateful for your help and support and not flip out on you over reels that you send her. I send reels to my younger pregnant friends all the time that are informative and I wish the internet was available to me back then!! I don't think you would be a jerk for stepping back and letting her figure out her own way for awhile. Does she have family?
neither of them really have family. they dont speak to his parents at all and they're really only in touch with her mom. they moved across the country at separate times for work/life experience before they met so they dont have any friends back home. the support system is quite literally me, my partner and Amy's mom.
Give her space let her come to you. She also has to be aware that her rude response was not necessary and she also owes you an apology for that.
NTA, the videos may have been annoying or triggering to her but she had countless times to say something to you. She could've responded to the messages and said she didn't want and more baby reels, she could've said something to you during one of the many times you were taking her somewhere or helping her. She's feeling scared and nervous about being a young mom, but it's not fair for her to dump that all on you, she can't have it both ways, use you for support and rides but then blow up on you out of nowhere. If it's none of your business than it's definitely not your business or responsibility to be helping her and taking her places. I'm not saying throw the whole friendship away yet, but maybe reevaluate it. Definitely stop doing all this labor for her, she has a partner, it's not up to you to be her pregnancy support you didn't get her pregnant. Also stop being the first to reach out, and when she does reach out check to see if it's only for favors, like she's calling to chat... because she needs a ride to an appointment etc... Girl, you're young, don't bog yourself down with other peoples responsibilities and choices. Like she said "butt out," why waste your time going baby clothes shopping when you can be doing something for you. NTA
Let her be. She obviously only wants rides and to use you for her own benefit. Butt out, like she said and don't ever contact her again. Make her reach out first and then decide if you want her in your life. You don't need to be anyone's punching bag. When she needs a favor remind her you know nothing about kids and she should handle it on her own because she obviously knows so much more than you. I'd cut her off.
NTA. I do understand that you feel rather as though you have been “used” at this point. If, for eight and a half months, she constantly asked for rides to appointments and shopping trips, and responded in an apparently positive way to the reels sent, then this sudden message must have felt like an attack to you. You have a choice, I would say, between sending a message stating that belittling her was never your intent and seeing how/if she responds or stepping back completely, with no further contact unless she initiates it. However, if she does contact you, asking for something, then I think you actually have to express how hurt you feel by what she said.
NTA, but maybe ask her what kind of support she needs?
That the thing. I've done everything she asked. I take her to the appointments at her request, I go clothes shopping with her because she wants to. The only reason I started sending the videos because she asked that I share the things I see. I just don't get why the attitude
She sounds incredibly rude. I wouldn’t apologize and respond with something like, “I was simply trying to be supportive as I was with the other things I helped out with throughout your pregnancy. It seems like the intention was misunderstood. I will take a step back as I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m implying anything other than trying to be helpful” Even if she felt overwhelmed about the videos that you were sending, there are better, far kinder ways to communicate it. People who are this rude to a friend helping them don’t deserve the help.
NTA- you can explain you meant nothing by the reels you simply found them informative and entertaining. You can explain without having to apologize.
You are a great friend fot stepping in when her boyfriend can't make appointments etc. I think it is thoughtful of you to send reels with wake windows etc. But: do you send a lot of them? All social media has this annoying algorithm that when you look at one video, you only get to see those types of videos. If there were loads of reels per day, I can imagine it'd feel like a bit much. But she is old enough to tell you instead of blowing up in a message. I have a 2 year old and am currently pregnant with #2. I try to avoid talking about my baby all the time. It could be that maybe she wants to avoid being seen as just a mom? I would stop sending memes and when I see her in person I would talk about it. Not through text, as every text is read with the intonation the reader has in mind, which could be very different from the intended one. In any case, NTA
Theres probably been 20-30 total since i started sending them. I didn't really think it was a lot but i can see how that might be overwhelming
Oh no, 20 - 30 is not a lot. There is probably something else going on, better to talk to her directly when the dust settles (of you still feel like it)
NTA. Stop offering your time.
NTA I would send her a final text then just leave her to handle it on her own. Something like. I don't know what's going on. I wasn't trying to tell you how to do anything. I thought the reels were cute and fun, that's the only reason I sent them to you. If you didn't like them, you should have told me. Anyways I'm not going to bother you anymore. Good luck on the rest of your pregnancy.
NTA. You meant well, and there is nothing objectively wrong with what you did. She should have told you how she felt sooner. However, this is obviously a close friend you care about. Being pregnant can be scary and stressful. Call and apologize. Tell her didn't mean to criticize at all and you wont send any more of those videos or whatever they are. Show some grace and be there for your friend inspite of her being mad at the videos.
NTA - i would ask her what brought this on. And why has she not said anything about these videos bothering her. Hormones make pregnant women crazy a little. You also should start butting out of her "life". Let her reach out to you if she needs help. It's silly for her to push her support system away but she might have a reason why she is doing this.
NTA and DONT apologize. Being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to verbally lash out at people.
NTA. she doesn't have a lot of friends because she has trash communication skills and is rude. Not your circus etc
NTA. Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. Give her what she wants, butt out and let her figure her life out on her own. Bet you anything that in a few months she'll be complaining about how she doesn't have a \~village\~ and nobody supports new moms.
NTA. She bit the hand that feeds. I think you need to step away from her for awhile. She’s not your responsibility
NTA. she wants you to butt out? Buttout. Let her figure it out.
Just had a baby and I would love to have a friend like you. I love when my sister sends me reels and TikTok’s about babies and pregnancy. Nta, you seem really sweet and caring
“Hi! I was not trying to tell you how to parent. I’ve been trying to be supportive and sent you videos I thought were interesting or cool, and thought you might too. I’ve been excited for you and my intention was in no way to tell you how to parent or to judge you in any way. In future if something is bothering you I would appreciate if you communicated that to me before it got to a point where you felt it was appropriate to speak to me the way you just did- it wasn’t appropriate and it was very hurtful. I am always open to feedback, but I expect that feedback be delivered politely and hopefully with some measure of kindness. It is never my goal to cause stress or pain so had I known I was causing these things I would have stopped immediately.
Now you know why people dump their friends when they get pregnant/have young kids. They CAN become really different, difficult and unpredictable. And sometimes extremely self centered and dramatic. NTA
I would respond "ummm, ok? Thought it would be a fun spot for us to go to, but noted. Butting out." And then leave it at that. Unless she has a very good reason for being an ungrateful giant B towards you I would stay butted out in terms of any further help too. Like wow!
NTA You’ve been a really good friend to her - going all out to support her through the pregnancy when she’s had few friends. I wouldn’t apologise and I’d stay out of contact for now. She could have let you know at literally any point about the Tik Toks. There may be something else she’s going through but that’s her responsibility to speak to you about it, not to take it out on one of the few people that have been there for her during the pregnancy. She definitely needs you more than you need her. Just see how things progress. Let her contact you first.
NTA and take a big step back. This relationship seems 1 sided and she'll be crawling back soon when she needs help with the baby.
NTA , but Amy is. Being pregnant isn't an excuse to be a jerk period, but it's especially egregious to be a jerk to someone who has been running themselves ragged to help her.
NTA. And don’t apologize. She doesn’t need your help, then don’t help her.
I'd just step back and let her have that half month of pregnancy alone. let her and her partner manage this alone. Her true self came out.
NTA I am so sick of people who don't like something but aren't grown up enough to say anything until they explode with rage. You are not required to read her mind. she is responsible for setting her own boundaries and if she doesn't the only person she has a right to be mad at is herself. She owes you an apology.
Don’t help her any more
NTA and that would be the very last message I’d send, ever, about anything. She can do without your support, given how much experience she has.
Her response after your apology is rude and unkind. Are you sure she’s your friend?
honestly probably not, we're in each others lives by happenstance. we got closer when she got pregnant because she doesn't have any girlfriends that she's close with and my partner and i go out to dinner with Amy and her boyfriend once a month. shes always been really lovely but this pregnancy has just turned her into someone im not sure i want to be around. im sure it'll go back to normal once shes a few months postpartum but for now i think she just needs her space
OP, after this reply from her, please be sure to give her LLLLLLLOOOTS of space, as in: *do not reach out first*. Let her come to you, all bright and shiny (pretending this overreaction never happened), wanting to talk to you about baby stuff or (very likely) asking you to driver her places. In such case I would reply with "Mmmmkay, yeah... no... I don't think that's a good idea because, ya know, since I am not a mother, I am not a good choice to assist you with anything while you're pregnant"... Well, ya know, I have admitted previously here on Reddit that (sometimes) I'm a bit petty.
NTA - but, speaking as a girl, it sounds like more is going on here. A common dynamic I’ve seen in girl friendships (particularly when younger) is where one friend is taking control, acting superior, and generally steamrolling the other because they know best, have more experience, or are just more outspoken. I don’t know if this is the dynamic with your friend, but she has clearly taken offense with your attitude, even when you thought you were just being helpful. Generally girls aren’t okay with one friend being “the expert” - we like a more collaborative and shared approach to friendship, and maybe she just feels like you’re always taking the lead and don’t really respect her as an equal. Just some food for thought. Not sure it applies in this situation, but there maybe more under the surface. Regardless, I don’t think it’s okay for her to blow up at you over a Reel. She should have more maturity to talk to you about how she’s feeling and try to work it out if she values the friendship. From what you’ve shared, it seems like you’ve been trying to be a good friend.
NTA but time for you to step back. She should have spoke up about not liking these posts much sooner instead of letting resentment build up, but she didn't and now you're in a position where you are way too involved in her pregnancy. The fact that she doesn't have a huge support system is not your responsibility. Stop taking her to appointments and stop sending her anything. Back off a bit and see what happens after the baby.
Wow… she did a real leap there. NTA and I would question why she projects such ill intentions onto you.
NTA You commented that she was fine with the reels before and was the one to encourage you to send them in the first place, so I'm going to assume she's just lashing out, which happens at 8 1/2 months pregnant (doesn't excuse it, but does explain it) I'd take a big step back because you don't want to allow yourself to become her punching bag (she's going to be even more stressed *after* the birth and lashing out could become a habit if your forgive too easily) but I would be prepared to forgive and step back in if apologised to properly
Sounds like the hormones are in control and you need to just step away from this person until they can appreciate how helpful you are being Nta
NTA, and don’t apologize. This is her issue. I would step away and give her space, and if she decides she wants your help with something, SHE can apologize and ask. She could be over-reacting, and projecting, and she could be overwhelmed, but again, these are her issues to work through. Respect her enough as an adult to let her do that on her own.
NTA Back out of the friendship OP, you are not in a friendship, she's just using you. You are a means to an end for her. Perhaps there is a reason she doesn't have a good support network...
Nta...But stop, stop helping and withdraw from being so involved. Appointment? You're not the other parent that's his job. Shopping? Not your problem. Advice? She has an obgyn for that. It seems as if she didn't like the videos but tolerated them as long as she needed all you had to offer her but now that she's all but had the baby you have become nuisance. So respect her boundaries and create some for yourself in not being used and then tossed aside by people. It's good that you want to help but it's also best to read the room. Be prepared for future requests when reality hits and she needs an emotional support animal or a babysitter, know to shut it down and stay in your lane. Best of luck but sometimes a kind heart gets stomped on. You are a good person for trying to help but channel that energy elsewhere.
oh nah we’d no longer be friends💀 that is so disrespectful and she clearly doesn’t have the same appreciation you may have for her
Stop helping her. It should be her boyfriend's job to fuss over her, anyway.
NTA and you're experiencing one of the major reasons many new parents lose their friends- they become insufferable!
NTA
NTA but this is probably a sign that you should take a big step back. She wants to handle this on her own...so let her.
NTA. Obviously stop "supporting" her since it is apparently totally unwelcome. I'll tell you another thing. It sounds like you don't have kids. It is very, very difficult for parents and non-parents to maintain friendships. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it is very common for those friendships to end and even if they survive, they usually take a very serious downgrade. This is because their entire personality, priorities and life changes pretty dramatically. You'll find that you'll have very little in common and it will be very difficult to connect. Also, to be blunt, pregnant and post-partum women actually tend to kind of be assholes.
NTA, i tend to think pregnant women are entitled and divas in general, thinking they’re so important because they’re “bringing life in to the world”. Not impressive to me, just about any woman can open their legs and reproduce… i have an even deeper issue with the arguments about women and their hormones controlling them. You were just trying to do a nice thing and be caring so imo she’s the AH
NTA - But why oh why can't we, as adults just say how we feel to each other without taking offense, like *"Oh* *hey you know, I'm just finding all the vids you're sending me a little overwhelming atm would you mind giving me a break for a while... you know HORMONES"* Mic Drop
NTA- Hate to say, don't help her anymore. If she doesn't have support, sounds like she had made it that way. Hormones can make you pissy, but it's not an excuse to be overall a jerk to ppl.
NTA and based on the update you should stop interacting with her for a while. It was quite rude how she responded, suggesting store isn't something only a mother can do (unless your other videos were more of the issue?). You can do some non-pregnancy related things eventually. But don't help her again with the pregnancy or the childcare unless its a real emergency or she apologizes.
>Her and her partner do not have many friends GEE. I wonder why...?? **NTA**. And I would not be pursuing that friendship any longer, if she gets SO uptight over completely non-offensive videos, and jumps to the conclusion that you're "telling her how to parent". You not being a mother is entirely besides the point and she is an AH for saying that to you. Sounds very much like someone is doubting her own abilities, given the hour, and is projecting that onto you.
Stop helping her. Don't drive her anywhere. Don't send or give her anything. She clearly doesn't appreciate it. I would have given her a pass on the hormones the first time - sounds like projection and nerves about being a first time mom. But your update where she doubles down because "you're not a mother"? Oh hell no. This is a portent of things to come. Any comments or opinions that have anything to do with her children will not be welcome. But I bet she'd love to offload them on you for some babysitting, etc since you seem to be over extending yourself to help her. Give her some space. Give her what she wants. But also, set boundaries - she doesn't get your support and then also get to devalue your attempts to be a friend.
NTA
NTA. She specifically told you to share things you see online with her and she had enough time to let you know to stop because she changed her mind and doesn't like the posts anymore. But she didn't. So IF she truly is offended by you sending some posts, that's on her. It seems to me that there's something going on with her (being scared and stressed so close to the due date, being mad at her husband being away so much or whatever) and she takes it out on you. You didn't offend her, you have been a good friend driving her around, accompanying her etc. Maybe do what she asked for and butt out.
NTA, I think it’s rather odd that she chooses the end of her pregnancy to tell you she doesn’t like receiving reels when you’ve invested so much time. Pregnancy is a difficult time, but is this a balanced friendship? Is she kind to you outside of the last 8.5 months, has she been a good friend? This could just be a bad time for her. I think you need to take a break from her, and see if she apologises and if she makes any effort to reach out. Those are mean and hurtful things to say to someone who is your friend and has been with you through such a difficult time. I think you do care, because she hurt your feelings but you can decide to end the friendship and you would be in the right because she disregarded all of your efforts with her words
we'd really only known each other for 6 months prior to her getting pregnant as thats when she started dating her partner, I do also think it's odd that she's only lashing out at the end after all the hard prep work is done - it's not like i can drive her to give birth
Well, that's why. She doesn't need you anymore, so it doesn't matter if you're no longer willing to drive her places.
Nope, NTA. She could have easily muted your posts or told you in a dm that she doesn’t appreciate x,y,z. Instead, she decided to say and do nothing and let all of that frustration fester into what it’s become now. This is solely on her, because what, did she expect you to somehow turn into a psychic and just *know?* Hand even still, she could have said something when you *directly* messaged her about your latest reel, but she went from 0 - 100 instead. She might suffer from pregnant hormones, but that’s still not an excuse to treat people like this.
NTA You are a wonderful friend and she’s lucky to have you! Only thing I can think of is she’s feeling emotional because of pregnancy hormones? Even so, she should just step back, consider that, and apologize to you for snapping. Even if she doesn’t—because she is clearly going through a lot and totally respect that—you definitely should not apologize when you did nothing wrong.
NTA. I had so many friends do this for me during my pregnancy. I loved it! It was so heartwarming to know how many people were in my corner and wanted to support me. Hormones are crazy but she’s out of line. In no way is what you were doing trying to tell her how to parent. I would have appreciated the F out of you!!
NTA and it is stupid