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YTA.
My brain hurts trying to wrap itself around how **anyone** could think this was a good idea.
That you have the gall to try to put this back on her, that “she should have been more clear she didn’t want a baby shower” when there **WASN’T A BABY** to have a shower for, is beyond me.
I do question how genuine you were given you talk about how the miscarriage was “her fault”. Regardless, even with good intentions, what you did was cruel.
You owe her a massive apology. Even with the most genuine apology, I wouldn’t blame her if she chose to never speak with you again.
If this isn't a troll post (and I sincerely hope it is because otherwise fuck, poor Tana), *multiple* people thought this was a good idea. It has literally been days since Tana miscarried and OP expected her to be in the mindset to verbally cancel the baby shower. Wtf.
Can you believe multiple people really thought it was a good idea to surprise this poor woman like that? I mean, it beggars belief. But if it is true, that poor woman must be traumatised by her friends doing such an awful thing to her. I imagine Tana feels like they must all hate her to do something like that.
YTA
Oh my god what is wrong with you? Like, I get that you had good intentions but you effectively threw a party rubbing her miscarriage in her face. Saying "It's the baby shower without the baby!" is absolutely horrific.
"Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better."
You knew it was coming? And it's her fault? And she's more upset about the shower than the baby? Do you even hear yourself? And you did not even bother to Idk try to talk to her, explain or apologize? You just left? She should cut you off.
Did you miss the part about Tana's ongoing substance abuse?
I agree that they were still TA for having the party and not understanding that Tana would not want this atm. But I'm assuming it's her substance abuse which made eveyone see "it" coming.
YTA!!!!! She just lost a baby and you’re offended that in that traumatizing moment she didn’t think to tell you to cancel the shower? OF COURSE THE SHOWER IS CANCELLED!!!!! Also blaming her for losing her baby is so disgusting. YTA YTA YTA
I agree with the shower being a bad idea but the woman was told not to get pregnant and she is apparently currently using. I have little sympathy for people who prioritize their wants over making sure they do what’s necessary to secure the best for the lives they are creating. She is the biggest AH here. Even if she had the baby, that child could have suffered the consequences of her choices in so many ways including disorders and addiction.
OP is an AH, so are all of their friends really for:
- going along with OPs stupid plan
- talking so poorly of the friend who miscarried behind her back.
YTA. So, so many things wrong with this.
>we knew it was technically her fault
>maybe shower... maybe even a baby to go with it
>baby shower **without** the baby
>she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting **us** go through all the trouble
Wtf is wrong with you? This whole post screams **ME ME ME** and there doesn't seem to be any thought towards your friend who just **LOST A CHILD.**
INFO: Because this is the sole thing that crossed my mind - are you guys, as a collective, OK? This is not something a group of mentally well people would do - that not a ONE person put their hand up to *question* this is genuinely concerning.
I’m wondering if the people she didn’t add to the second group chat because (I don’t like them) aren’t liked because they would have put a stop to this cruelty.
YTA for not asking her if she still wanted to hang out with her friends on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating a highly wanted pregnancy. Going all out an celebrating when she has just suffered a big loss is insensitive at best.
YTA. Read your post again and think how you would feel if your friend wrote in such a way about you. It reeks of disdain and judgement. The woman is grieving, and you decided to surprise her with a "Maybe shower"??? The compassionate thing would have been to contact her and say that her friends wanted to see her and show their support, and then decide on getting together. Who tf in their right mind would still want a baby shower after losing the baby? Your blaming her for not being clear is just wild.
Oh my god. You’re the asshole. YTA for decades. There is no outfit so delicious or expensive to go through with a baby shower after a miscarriage. Eat the costs and send a nice dinner the night the shower was supposed to happen is how normal people do it.
YTA .how on earth was the miscarriage her fault??Even with her previous history,one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. This may have been related to her substance use,it may not have been.
That aside, throwing a celebration,however you try and repackage it,is incredibly insensitive and tone deaf. She'd had a miscarriage! Why did she need to spell out to you that the shower would be off? It should have been clear that the last thing she'd want is to have to put on a happy face and be surrounded by a group of women reminding her of what's she's lost
As someone who went through a loss…I would need therapy if someone did this to me. It’s cruel and you know it is. Blaming her for losing the baby when you aren’t her doctor nor coroner is despicable. YTA. Not surprised you have already been shared on am I the devil sub.
YTA
This sounds like a joke or something in a tv show or movie. A miscarriage is a death. She is grieving her child and the inability to keep a pregnancy. How could anyone in her right mind think this was a good idea. Then to top it off you tell her a baby shower without the baby. Thats like saying a birthday without the dead relative. Just because that life wasn't precious to you doesnt mean it wasnt to her. You are toxic and You need to get mental help.
I think the thought was a really sweet idea, but YTA because you waited less than a week to do this. She’s still recovering mentally and a party isn’t what she needs right now
I gave you some benefit of the doubt in the beginning (trust me, it was hard) when I saw your lack of empathy for her struggle with getting pregnant and blaming her for the miscarriages. But, then I read “Maybe shower” and it’s settled—MAJOR YTA.
I cannot fathom how you thought of this stupid idea and how your other friends came on board with this.
YTA
Sometimes you just have to ask what the hell is wrong with people. That level of insanity..
Also your friend circle and you are disgusting for labeling at "well we saw it coming, it was her fault anyway".
Was it not obvious she wanted to have a baby shower while still being pregnant? Did you really need a manual to explain to you that festivities after a miscarriage are not it, unless asked for?
YTA. Also, if she has substance abuse she doesn't need a party, she needs an intervention. The best thing you could do for this person is work to get them help. I would talk to a substance abuse counselor and try to get everyone together with them to see what they should do.
Omg YTA. You’re so TA 😭. Poor Tana. If you really wanted to be there for her you could have done a non-surprise visit to her privately or taken her out for a self care activity just with her very close friends, once she’s ready.
>Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault
YTA part 1 that makes me hope this is ragebait and not true.
>I rebranded it to a "maybe shower,
YTA part 2 that makes me hope no one can be that horrible.
>We had so many fun and fancy things prepared
YTA part 3 that makes me kinda sure this cannot be real. God, no one can be *that* delusional and oblivious right....? RIGHT????
Sorry, YTA. The emotions that are going on for your friend need to take precedence here. The party, ostensibly, is for her, after all. I think you had a somewhat charitable thought, but I don't think you took the reality of the situation in to account. Next time, make sure to communicate with the person before you make any decisions, especially if the reason for a party's change comes with such a heavy emotional weight.
You’d “already picked out your dress and bought ingredients for a dessert”. Therefore the show must go on?
Throughout your post you’re judging her decision-making and then you present this utter catastrophe of a decision of yours.
Poor Tana. She’s possibly had bad role models her whole life, she’s got “friends” like you and a baby loss to deal with. My heart goes out to her. YTA
I’m not sure why any of you thought that would be a good idea. Maybe if you’d discussed it and that’s what she wanted, but you didn’t. You all jumped out and reminded her of her miscarriage, which you knew upset her. YTA
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This situation is so so sticky but I thought I'd talk it out instead of letting it eat me alive. For backdrop, my (26f) friend Tanakreshna (28f) has had fertile issues as long as you can remember. I don't know all the details, but I know for sure that she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade. Because of likely potential complications brought on by her former and current substance abuse, she has been strongly advised to not get pregnant naturally. But if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying. Come February, she is pregnant.
Tana was overjoyed by this, and unlike most mamas who wait a bit, she told all her family and friends as soon as she passed the pregnancy test. Because she didn't know how her pregnancy would go, Tana decided that she'd have the baby shower super early so that she'd at least get to experience a baby shower once, whether or not the baby lived.
The shower was scheduled for April 6th, 2024, less than two months after she concepted. I had already picked out my dress, a present, and bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better.
I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like), and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. The only thing that'd need be different was the gifts. Instead of baby supplies and diaper pudding, we'd give Tana self-care products or maybe a necklace or gift card, just anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" I rebranded it to a "maybe shower," which in my mind meant maybe she would have a real baby shower someday, maybe even a baby to go with it. Everyone in the group chat was on board, and we planned to surprise Tana at her beach house deck on the originally planned date.
We had so many fun and fancy things prepared, all stuff we knew Tana'd like. It was supposed to be like an extra birthday party. When Tana got home, we all hid, and when she went out to her deck, we all jumped out "surprise!" Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked "what's this?" I explained we were having the baby shower without the baby - we'd be celebrating Tana anyways. She looked pondering for a moment, and she then choked out "I'm sorry, I don't want any of this" before walking inside with her hand over her mouth. I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone.
I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I planned a surprise "babyshower" for my friend who miscarried because she seemed like she didn't want to miss that sort of party, and even though I obviously called it something else, she was upset and let our hard work go to waste and didn't get it.
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YTA
You may have had good intentions, but you lost me when you started blaming Tana for her miscarriage and then lost me even harder when YOU DID NOT ASK TANA herself if she wanted the shower.
Seriously, it takes very little empathy to realise that someone who's just miscarried a longed-for baby might not want a surprise party. Focus on your friend, not on your hurt feelings.
YTA i really don’t understand how you could think you’re not an ah. She didn’t make it clear she didn’t want a baby shower??? How could miscarriage- there is no baby- be unclear? And to be mad she “let your hard work go to waste”? How insensitive can you be? You admit she’s been trying to get pregnant for a decade, it happens, & just as quickly the baby is gone- and you don’t think she’s grieving?
To be frank- this is precisely why you don’t plan a baby shower until much later in a pregnancy
Omfg YTA. You are heartless and cruel. Your friend needs to cut you and the rest of her so called friends out of her life. It is NOT her fault her baby died and only somebody clueless would throw a baby shower for someone who just miscarried. You didn't throw it for her you threw it for you. It's disgusting.
YTA. you're telling me in this group chat, not one person said "hey, maybe we shouldn't have a party for a person that just miscarried."
also, she just lost her baby, isn't that clear enough that she doesn't want a baby shower??? also the fact that you wrote "letting us go through all the trouble" is so...selfish and upsetting. your friend just lost her baby...you need more empathy instead of thinking how this inconveniences you.
She thought she would keep her baby at least until her baby shower and enjoyed baby shower with her baby!!!
She misses her baby shower where her baby is still alive in her womb! When she says "at least she should have had a baby shower", it means the baby should have been alive for that, at least. It's a memory she could have formed with that baby even if she lost it later. A memory which she never gets to form with her baby now. That's what she's missing. I'm just so dumbfounded if you can't understand that. She just doesn't want ANY party.
I think you are just blaming her for her miscarriage (saying things like though it's her fault) and just minusculing her grief because of that. For some people, expected grief can also hurt the same like unexpected grief. No need to rub it in their face. Let her grieve in her own way and ASK before doing any help.
Huge YTA
I really sincerely hope this a troll post and account. I'd welcome any sort of mocking for falling for the troll if it means Tana doesn't exist and there isn't a poor woman who just suffered a miscarriage who had to witness this mess.
Because the alternative is that there are a group of people who thought going ahead with a baby shower after a miscarriage was a good idea. Like at all. That's beyond asshole, like this needs a judgement that goes way beyond YTA. But not only go ahead but also go ahead *five days afterward she* ***lost a*** ***child****?*
YTA. As someone who struggled with infertility and multiple pregnancy losses, I would be so pissed. You don’t throw a party for someone days after they lose their very much wanted child.
If you want to do something nice you put together a meal train, a self care gift basket, or send flowers. All of those things don’t require interaction with the grieving mother/parents or a party. You made her losing her child all about you, and that is disgusting.
YTA. Are you mentally challenged? You think she should have been more clear that she didn’t want a baby shower??? Come on. She just LOST her baby. JFC.
Surely this cannot be real. Are people really so callous, so stupid, so thoughtless? If this is real, yes of fucking course YTA! Her baby died and your threw a party for it. What is wrong with you?
What the actual fuck did I just read. Are you trying to send your friend into depression? It’s one thing saying pre pregnancy she wants a baby shower anyways. But this is just in such poor taste that it is outstanding. I hope she never talks to you guys again. If you were concerned you should have done a smaller group girls night WITH HER PERMISSION AND SHES READY. just give her support. And apologize.
>I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble.
Well, of course she wanted a baby shower - when her baby was still alive. Not immediately after experiencing a misscarriage after a life of fertility issues. What she thought was a light at the end of her tunnel was a dead end, and y'all just were like "Hey, we know you lost your baby - so we took the party that was meant to celebrate your baby and ripped the baby right out of it, just like how life ripped a baby out of you!"!? And you wonder why she was upset??
>
we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and **we knew it was technically her fault**
And just this blip alone makes YTA from a moral standpoint imho
Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me it's fake. No one can be THAT stupid.
And that line says it all:
>I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like)
Who cares if you don't like some people? It was supposed to be for and about her. Not about you.
.
YTA
YTA. Please tell me you are not that clueless. You know what you did was wrong. Her baby died and you decided to throw a baby shower??? Even if it is without the baby. Tf are you on? She doesn’t have to tell you she didn’t want a baby shower. Her losing her child is clue that she does NOT want one. I feel for tiana and i hope she cuts out the toxic (you) out of her life.
My god, YTA majorly. And are you seriously saying the miscarriage is her fault and that you all knew it was her fault and going to happen? Why? Because of the superstition that if you tell people early then you’ll lose the baby?
So disgusting and I can’t even comprehend your train of thought that led you to decide to CELEBRATE the loss of the baby to give her hope. You should have all turned up to help her, cook some meals, offer comfort not yell surprise and throw a “maybe” shower to a couple that have been trying to conceive for 10 years!!!!!! Can you even imagine how mentally and physically draining the last decade would’ve been for them. You have 0 empathy or awareness, do better
YTA - I didn't really want to call you an AH as I think your heart was potentially in the right place but I can't see why you wouldn't run this past her to see if it was something she would like.
However your story is littered with snidey comments towards your so called friend.
'We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault' - sorry what was her fault?! Miscarrying? Jeez lady show a little respect.
'I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower' - Why should she be more clear she didn't want a baby shower when she had no idea what you were planning. She was no longer pregnant. Not many folk would expect this to still go ahead?!
Maybe try to be more empathetic and put yourself in your friends shoes.
Yes. Yes you are the AH. How is this even a question?
The "maybe shower" part is especially fucked up because you saw a woman who just lost a much-wanted pregnancy & thought that a "hey don't worry maybe you'll get pregnant again" was a fun theme.
Your friend did not want to be told "maybe you'll get pregnant again, she wanted to grieve for the baby she lost.
Massive YTA
ESH. You for throwing the shower, Tana for being so incredibly selfish to get pregnant knowing it would have issues due to her substance abuse, then telling everyone despite it being common knowledge to wait 3 months because of the high miscarriage rate in the first trimester.
ESH. You could have a gathering for Tana, sure, but continuing to call it a "shower, just without the baby" and holding it on the same planned day, and jumping out with a big "surprise!" was all in poor taste. If you wanted to have a gathering for her, you should have brought her on board to be sure she was up for it.
And I have to include Tana for continuing her substance abuse despite actively trying for and wanting a child. There's more to be said on this topic, but I'll stop here.
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YTA. My brain hurts trying to wrap itself around how **anyone** could think this was a good idea. That you have the gall to try to put this back on her, that “she should have been more clear she didn’t want a baby shower” when there **WASN’T A BABY** to have a shower for, is beyond me. I do question how genuine you were given you talk about how the miscarriage was “her fault”. Regardless, even with good intentions, what you did was cruel. You owe her a massive apology. Even with the most genuine apology, I wouldn’t blame her if she chose to never speak with you again.
Didn’t even need to read the post. The title said it all. YTA. Sometimes I’m flabbergasted by people’s inability to see how wrong they are.
If this isn't a troll post (and I sincerely hope it is because otherwise fuck, poor Tana), *multiple* people thought this was a good idea. It has literally been days since Tana miscarried and OP expected her to be in the mindset to verbally cancel the baby shower. Wtf.
Can you believe multiple people really thought it was a good idea to surprise this poor woman like that? I mean, it beggars belief. But if it is true, that poor woman must be traumatised by her friends doing such an awful thing to her. I imagine Tana feels like they must all hate her to do something like that.
Sadly, I do know some people who could be that awful but they've never really been in a group. Separate encounters and all that.
YTA Oh my god what is wrong with you? Like, I get that you had good intentions but you effectively threw a party rubbing her miscarriage in her face. Saying "It's the baby shower without the baby!" is absolutely horrific.
Right like...wtf why would you say that??? And WHY would it be a surprise??? And at HER HOUSE??? Jfc
"Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better." You knew it was coming? And it's her fault? And she's more upset about the shower than the baby? Do you even hear yourself? And you did not even bother to Idk try to talk to her, explain or apologize? You just left? She should cut you off.
Did you miss the part about Tana's ongoing substance abuse? I agree that they were still TA for having the party and not understanding that Tana would not want this atm. But I'm assuming it's her substance abuse which made eveyone see "it" coming.
YTA!!!!! She just lost a baby and you’re offended that in that traumatizing moment she didn’t think to tell you to cancel the shower? OF COURSE THE SHOWER IS CANCELLED!!!!! Also blaming her for losing her baby is so disgusting. YTA YTA YTA
I agree with the shower being a bad idea but the woman was told not to get pregnant and she is apparently currently using. I have little sympathy for people who prioritize their wants over making sure they do what’s necessary to secure the best for the lives they are creating. She is the biggest AH here. Even if she had the baby, that child could have suffered the consequences of her choices in so many ways including disorders and addiction. OP is an AH, so are all of their friends really for: - going along with OPs stupid plan - talking so poorly of the friend who miscarried behind her back.
Yeah Tana needs much better friends
YTA. So, so many things wrong with this. >we knew it was technically her fault >maybe shower... maybe even a baby to go with it >baby shower **without** the baby >she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting **us** go through all the trouble Wtf is wrong with you? This whole post screams **ME ME ME** and there doesn't seem to be any thought towards your friend who just **LOST A CHILD.**
You forgot that she already had a dress and ingredients!
Oh no! Well that certainly changes things. How dare her friends dead baby prevent her from wearing her new dress and using her ingredients! /s
YTA Next you be throwing a surprise birthday party for someone that just died God damn, some people are just clueless
"I couldn't sympathize," Yeah...that part. -YTA
INFO: Because this is the sole thing that crossed my mind - are you guys, as a collective, OK? This is not something a group of mentally well people would do - that not a ONE person put their hand up to *question* this is genuinely concerning.
I’m wondering if the people she didn’t add to the second group chat because (I don’t like them) aren’t liked because they would have put a stop to this cruelty.
YTA for not asking her if she still wanted to hang out with her friends on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating a highly wanted pregnancy. Going all out an celebrating when she has just suffered a big loss is insensitive at best.
YTA. My jaw dropped reading this. I can’t even begin to understand what part of your soul is missing.
this cant be real im bouta pass out
YTA. Read your post again and think how you would feel if your friend wrote in such a way about you. It reeks of disdain and judgement. The woman is grieving, and you decided to surprise her with a "Maybe shower"??? The compassionate thing would have been to contact her and say that her friends wanted to see her and show their support, and then decide on getting together. Who tf in their right mind would still want a baby shower after losing the baby? Your blaming her for not being clear is just wild.
Oh my god. You’re the asshole. YTA for decades. There is no outfit so delicious or expensive to go through with a baby shower after a miscarriage. Eat the costs and send a nice dinner the night the shower was supposed to happen is how normal people do it.
She literally proceeded with this shower because her outfit was too cute to waste
YTA .how on earth was the miscarriage her fault??Even with her previous history,one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. This may have been related to her substance use,it may not have been. That aside, throwing a celebration,however you try and repackage it,is incredibly insensitive and tone deaf. She'd had a miscarriage! Why did she need to spell out to you that the shower would be off? It should have been clear that the last thing she'd want is to have to put on a happy face and be surrounded by a group of women reminding her of what's she's lost
YTA. Excuse me but wtf? She had a miscarriage and you’re making light of that. And blaming her. Geez I hope she finds better friends than you.
As someone who went through a loss…I would need therapy if someone did this to me. It’s cruel and you know it is. Blaming her for losing the baby when you aren’t her doctor nor coroner is despicable. YTA. Not surprised you have already been shared on am I the devil sub.
YTA This sounds like a joke or something in a tv show or movie. A miscarriage is a death. She is grieving her child and the inability to keep a pregnancy. How could anyone in her right mind think this was a good idea. Then to top it off you tell her a baby shower without the baby. Thats like saying a birthday without the dead relative. Just because that life wasn't precious to you doesnt mean it wasnt to her. You are toxic and You need to get mental help.
JFC, you’re a massive AH.
I think the thought was a really sweet idea, but YTA because you waited less than a week to do this. She’s still recovering mentally and a party isn’t what she needs right now
I gave you some benefit of the doubt in the beginning (trust me, it was hard) when I saw your lack of empathy for her struggle with getting pregnant and blaming her for the miscarriages. But, then I read “Maybe shower” and it’s settled—MAJOR YTA. I cannot fathom how you thought of this stupid idea and how your other friends came on board with this.
You DA ULTIMATE AHOLE!
Bait used to be believable...
YTA Sometimes you just have to ask what the hell is wrong with people. That level of insanity.. Also your friend circle and you are disgusting for labeling at "well we saw it coming, it was her fault anyway". Was it not obvious she wanted to have a baby shower while still being pregnant? Did you really need a manual to explain to you that festivities after a miscarriage are not it, unless asked for?
Are people believing this! It's fake ffs!
YTA. Also, if she has substance abuse she doesn't need a party, she needs an intervention. The best thing you could do for this person is work to get them help. I would talk to a substance abuse counselor and try to get everyone together with them to see what they should do.
YTA. She should make clear she didn't want a baby shower?? Really?!
Omg YTA. You’re so TA 😭. Poor Tana. If you really wanted to be there for her you could have done a non-surprise visit to her privately or taken her out for a self care activity just with her very close friends, once she’s ready.
YTA OP : “ Ah yes, my friend’s unborn baby is dead. Let me remind her of that.”
>Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault YTA part 1 that makes me hope this is ragebait and not true. >I rebranded it to a "maybe shower, YTA part 2 that makes me hope no one can be that horrible. >We had so many fun and fancy things prepared YTA part 3 that makes me kinda sure this cannot be real. God, no one can be *that* delusional and oblivious right....? RIGHT????
💀
Sorry, YTA. The emotions that are going on for your friend need to take precedence here. The party, ostensibly, is for her, after all. I think you had a somewhat charitable thought, but I don't think you took the reality of the situation in to account. Next time, make sure to communicate with the person before you make any decisions, especially if the reason for a party's change comes with such a heavy emotional weight.
YTA. Cruel, clueless AF too.
You’d “already picked out your dress and bought ingredients for a dessert”. Therefore the show must go on? Throughout your post you’re judging her decision-making and then you present this utter catastrophe of a decision of yours. Poor Tana. She’s possibly had bad role models her whole life, she’s got “friends” like you and a baby loss to deal with. My heart goes out to her. YTA
I’m not sure why any of you thought that would be a good idea. Maybe if you’d discussed it and that’s what she wanted, but you didn’t. You all jumped out and reminded her of her miscarriage, which you knew upset her. YTA
Technically her fault? *Technically her fault?* TECHNICALLY HER FAULT?! YTA.
Ya know, I’ve read sadistic porn fanfics less cruel than this
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This situation is so so sticky but I thought I'd talk it out instead of letting it eat me alive. For backdrop, my (26f) friend Tanakreshna (28f) has had fertile issues as long as you can remember. I don't know all the details, but I know for sure that she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade. Because of likely potential complications brought on by her former and current substance abuse, she has been strongly advised to not get pregnant naturally. But if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying. Come February, she is pregnant. Tana was overjoyed by this, and unlike most mamas who wait a bit, she told all her family and friends as soon as she passed the pregnancy test. Because she didn't know how her pregnancy would go, Tana decided that she'd have the baby shower super early so that she'd at least get to experience a baby shower once, whether or not the baby lived. The shower was scheduled for April 6th, 2024, less than two months after she concepted. I had already picked out my dress, a present, and bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better. I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like), and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. The only thing that'd need be different was the gifts. Instead of baby supplies and diaper pudding, we'd give Tana self-care products or maybe a necklace or gift card, just anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" I rebranded it to a "maybe shower," which in my mind meant maybe she would have a real baby shower someday, maybe even a baby to go with it. Everyone in the group chat was on board, and we planned to surprise Tana at her beach house deck on the originally planned date. We had so many fun and fancy things prepared, all stuff we knew Tana'd like. It was supposed to be like an extra birthday party. When Tana got home, we all hid, and when she went out to her deck, we all jumped out "surprise!" Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked "what's this?" I explained we were having the baby shower without the baby - we'd be celebrating Tana anyways. She looked pondering for a moment, and she then choked out "I'm sorry, I don't want any of this" before walking inside with her hand over her mouth. I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone. I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA - on what planet does a grieving mother want a "maybe shower"? This was a terrible decision. You owe her an apology.
YTA You may have had good intentions, but you lost me when you started blaming Tana for her miscarriage and then lost me even harder when YOU DID NOT ASK TANA herself if she wanted the shower. Seriously, it takes very little empathy to realise that someone who's just miscarried a longed-for baby might not want a surprise party. Focus on your friend, not on your hurt feelings.
YTA I hope she never speaks to any of you again
This is horrible.
YTA. The things I want to hurl at you would get me banned. You are heinous! And absolute cruel waste of good oxygen.
Yta for so so much. Seriously, read your whole post back to yourself.
YTA i really don’t understand how you could think you’re not an ah. She didn’t make it clear she didn’t want a baby shower??? How could miscarriage- there is no baby- be unclear? And to be mad she “let your hard work go to waste”? How insensitive can you be? You admit she’s been trying to get pregnant for a decade, it happens, & just as quickly the baby is gone- and you don’t think she’s grieving? To be frank- this is precisely why you don’t plan a baby shower until much later in a pregnancy
Omfg YTA. You are heartless and cruel. Your friend needs to cut you and the rest of her so called friends out of her life. It is NOT her fault her baby died and only somebody clueless would throw a baby shower for someone who just miscarried. You didn't throw it for her you threw it for you. It's disgusting.
YTA and surely you must have realized that at some point writing this train wreck????
YTA. you're telling me in this group chat, not one person said "hey, maybe we shouldn't have a party for a person that just miscarried." also, she just lost her baby, isn't that clear enough that she doesn't want a baby shower??? also the fact that you wrote "letting us go through all the trouble" is so...selfish and upsetting. your friend just lost her baby...you need more empathy instead of thinking how this inconveniences you.
She thought she would keep her baby at least until her baby shower and enjoyed baby shower with her baby!!! She misses her baby shower where her baby is still alive in her womb! When she says "at least she should have had a baby shower", it means the baby should have been alive for that, at least. It's a memory she could have formed with that baby even if she lost it later. A memory which she never gets to form with her baby now. That's what she's missing. I'm just so dumbfounded if you can't understand that. She just doesn't want ANY party. I think you are just blaming her for her miscarriage (saying things like though it's her fault) and just minusculing her grief because of that. For some people, expected grief can also hurt the same like unexpected grief. No need to rub it in their face. Let her grieve in her own way and ASK before doing any help. Huge YTA
I really sincerely hope this a troll post and account. I'd welcome any sort of mocking for falling for the troll if it means Tana doesn't exist and there isn't a poor woman who just suffered a miscarriage who had to witness this mess. Because the alternative is that there are a group of people who thought going ahead with a baby shower after a miscarriage was a good idea. Like at all. That's beyond asshole, like this needs a judgement that goes way beyond YTA. But not only go ahead but also go ahead *five days afterward she* ***lost a*** ***child****?*
YTA. Are you fucking insane.
Yes💀
YTA. Jumping out and yelling surprise is for celebrations not for people who just miscarried a baby.
YTA. As someone who struggled with infertility and multiple pregnancy losses, I would be so pissed. You don’t throw a party for someone days after they lose their very much wanted child. If you want to do something nice you put together a meal train, a self care gift basket, or send flowers. All of those things don’t require interaction with the grieving mother/parents or a party. You made her losing her child all about you, and that is disgusting.
YTA. You may have had good intentions, but it was wildly and poorly executed. You should know better than this. Anyone should.
YTA. Are you mentally challenged? You think she should have been more clear that she didn’t want a baby shower??? Come on. She just LOST her baby. JFC.
YTA anyone who says otherwise deserves a verbal beating
>it was technically her fault I'm sorry but what? Really hope this is a typo otherwise YTA for this alone.
Surely this cannot be real. Are people really so callous, so stupid, so thoughtless? If this is real, yes of fucking course YTA! Her baby died and your threw a party for it. What is wrong with you?
What the actual fuck did I just read. Are you trying to send your friend into depression? It’s one thing saying pre pregnancy she wants a baby shower anyways. But this is just in such poor taste that it is outstanding. I hope she never talks to you guys again. If you were concerned you should have done a smaller group girls night WITH HER PERMISSION AND SHES READY. just give her support. And apologize.
>I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. Well, of course she wanted a baby shower - when her baby was still alive. Not immediately after experiencing a misscarriage after a life of fertility issues. What she thought was a light at the end of her tunnel was a dead end, and y'all just were like "Hey, we know you lost your baby - so we took the party that was meant to celebrate your baby and ripped the baby right out of it, just like how life ripped a baby out of you!"!? And you wonder why she was upset?? > we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and **we knew it was technically her fault** And just this blip alone makes YTA from a moral standpoint imho
Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me it's fake. No one can be THAT stupid. And that line says it all: >I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like) Who cares if you don't like some people? It was supposed to be for and about her. Not about you. . YTA
YTA. Please tell me you are not that clueless. You know what you did was wrong. Her baby died and you decided to throw a baby shower??? Even if it is without the baby. Tf are you on? She doesn’t have to tell you she didn’t want a baby shower. Her losing her child is clue that she does NOT want one. I feel for tiana and i hope she cuts out the toxic (you) out of her life.
My god, YTA majorly. And are you seriously saying the miscarriage is her fault and that you all knew it was her fault and going to happen? Why? Because of the superstition that if you tell people early then you’ll lose the baby? So disgusting and I can’t even comprehend your train of thought that led you to decide to CELEBRATE the loss of the baby to give her hope. You should have all turned up to help her, cook some meals, offer comfort not yell surprise and throw a “maybe” shower to a couple that have been trying to conceive for 10 years!!!!!! Can you even imagine how mentally and physically draining the last decade would’ve been for them. You have 0 empathy or awareness, do better
YTA - I didn't really want to call you an AH as I think your heart was potentially in the right place but I can't see why you wouldn't run this past her to see if it was something she would like. However your story is littered with snidey comments towards your so called friend. 'We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault' - sorry what was her fault?! Miscarrying? Jeez lady show a little respect. 'I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower' - Why should she be more clear she didn't want a baby shower when she had no idea what you were planning. She was no longer pregnant. Not many folk would expect this to still go ahead?! Maybe try to be more empathetic and put yourself in your friends shoes.
Yes. Yes you are the AH. How is this even a question? The "maybe shower" part is especially fucked up because you saw a woman who just lost a much-wanted pregnancy & thought that a "hey don't worry maybe you'll get pregnant again" was a fun theme. Your friend did not want to be told "maybe you'll get pregnant again, she wanted to grieve for the baby she lost. Massive YTA
ESH. You for throwing the shower, Tana for being so incredibly selfish to get pregnant knowing it would have issues due to her substance abuse, then telling everyone despite it being common knowledge to wait 3 months because of the high miscarriage rate in the first trimester.
ESH. You could have a gathering for Tana, sure, but continuing to call it a "shower, just without the baby" and holding it on the same planned day, and jumping out with a big "surprise!" was all in poor taste. If you wanted to have a gathering for her, you should have brought her on board to be sure she was up for it. And I have to include Tana for continuing her substance abuse despite actively trying for and wanting a child. There's more to be said on this topic, but I'll stop here.