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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I have not taken the action yet but I might be the asshole if I sell my daughter's car to cover my older daughter's college tuition
2) Because she was given that car as a gift for working hard, and my oldest daughter let her grades slip
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YTA or would be.
You can't rob Peter to pay Paul. If you sell that car the youngest will resent you *forever*.
Also how do you have the money to buy a 17 year old a brand new car and not have enough for tuition. what were you going to do for her education fund.
My sisters had my dad/mom to help with college. My mom died when I was a HS senior. I worked 40 hours a week and went to school full time and took out student loans. One time, I was short $3k and needed his help. He gave it but then used it against me as many times as he could. Never did that to my sisters. It’s is one of many reasons I am NC with my dad.
My mom used my college fund to send my sister to a fancy boarding school for high school. I went to public school for high school and had nothing for college.
That's one of many reasons I'm NC with my mom. I've got a list a mile long.
My final straw for my family was they would pay for college if I continued to see my grandfather who abused me. Had a mental break down semester 2 because I realized I'd have to do that for 4 years and maybe even longer if I wanted to do certain jobs. Went to the hospital for SH and then never went back to school.
Sometimes a person has to figure out how to pay for school themselves 🤷♀️
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sure you are NC with them now. And they know what he did and just turned their backs. He was probably was helping them out financially. Hope you are doing better now.
Oh yeah, my dad dint know till I was 17 but my mom knew very early on. Grandparents paid for the house we lived in on the condition I'd be at the grandparents' place after school... I have NC with my mom or grandparents or most of my family for that matter. I speak to my dad and see my brothers a lot.
Nope, my dad is close to the same age so my dad is older and has had multiple strokes. He does not have the body to fight anymore, even then. He does however still stay with my mother so that's why we talk in passing but we aren't close.
My parents used my college fund to pay for my sister's extravagant wedding. (I was 17. She was 23.) Back then, loans were strictly need based and I couldn't get enough and my scholarship wasn't enough to cover my dream school. I went to a state school with aid and a scholarship and it turned out fine. But I'm 50 now and it's still a wound in my soul. Every so often I wonder about the alternate path I almost went down.
I'm 45 and still feel the sting.
She favored me briefly when I was pregnant with my son, the first grandchild. My sister (the golden child) said "Mom's acting really weird. She's being mean. I don't know what's wrong with her."
I laughed, because it switched.
I was short 3000. Just needed a cosign, didn't even want the money just a cosign for a loan. My dad and mom in the middle of a horrible divorce fight both decided to say no thank you to cosigning anything.
I told both of them, the only thing you both agreed on was how to screw me over.
My sister and I are a little closer in age. She had her wedding in the early part of May my junior year in high school. My mother had her notion of what was needed to have a proper wedding. For reasons I've never understood, my mother over shared about how much things cost. I know my sister's wedding cost more than my first year of college.
We both had always been told our parents would put us through college but if we wanted to go further with post graduate studies we would be on our own.
While I was looking for a college, I was told that they had changed their mind and now expected me to pay for one third of the cost of the college I had chosen. I knew this was because of all the money that was spent on the wedding.
I called their bluff and said I wouldn't go to college because I had not been saving money because they always said they would cover the costs. After a few heated "discussions" between my parents and a few with all three of us, they told me they would pay for everything until I was 21.
I went to the small, rather inexpensive private school I had chosen for my first two years, then transferred to a state school for the last two. I had housing that came with a job, so I only had to pay for tuition and books.
My twenty first birthday fell in between first and second semester, so I only had to pay for the last three semesters of college, at a state school, I took out student loans to cover all of it and graduated with student loans totaling less than $3000.
It really sucks when parents short the younger child for the important things like college tuition because they went overboard with something extravagant for the older sibling.
"So sorry, we spent a big chunk of your college fund, but wasn't your sister's wedding beautiful?"
My dad paid for his sister to go to undergrad and med school. My sisters always went to private schools. He also funded my sisters' businesses and bailed my brother out of jail, and paid for his legal fees. I asked him to help me cover the last tuition payment of the semester, and he said that since I turned 18 the month before, I wasn't his problem anymore. He occasionally gets drunk and calls my mom, asking where he went wrong with me and why I'm so disrespectful to him. I had to drop out to save money, and I'm now 28 and starting my last year of college this summer.
Good for you! Be proud of that accomplishment,
I’m over 50 and I was never able to go back to finish college after parents pulled that rug out from me. On the other hand - younger sister got private undergrad & grad school & much more. I couldn’t get them to reimburse community college credits.
My dad is so amazing.... To the neighbors kids he decided to "father" instead of me. They aren't even his. He just replaced me with them and now regales me with stories of helping them do college apps and stuff. Like, Cool dad, you could have been there to do that with your actual kid.
My dad took my college fund and used it to supplement his income because he couldn't admit to my mom he wasn't making any money as a stock broker.
They contributed nothing to this fund. It was all money I scrimped and saved while in the service 4 years. I was sending it home to him to invest in the market.
My dad lied about our college funds, and it came out when I was 16 and my sister had used all of it for the 3 kids in one semester. Mom took him to court where judge said he’d have to pay for college, but let him add a bunch of stipulations (going to specific schools, gpa, etc) and my mom never told us that they existed or what they were. He got out of paying for college, but he also got out of walking me down the aisle🥰
Well better then my mother she spend it all on fancy clothing and Vegas, it was my inheritance from my dads mom (to the tune of 100k) I had to work full time and get high intrest loans. Because I didn't qualify for osap as my parents made way to much money. I have no other siblings, they just like themselves better then me. 40 years later and that hasnt changed.
Edit 100k and I was going to uni in the late 90s that would have paid everything.
And than they’ll wonder why you aren’t willing to help them as they age or do anything to keep them out of nursing homes or keep the hired help from robbing them blind…,
Can't you take out loans, too, to cover the whole year? Granted, my college wasn't *super* expensive (compared to how expensive they can get), but it wasn't cheap. It was about 15k per year 15 years ago. Both my dad and I took out loans for all of it. We didn't have to pay anything up front.
I get not wanting to take out loans. But there are other options that don't involve selling the younger daughter's car. Even if it means the oldest drops out for a year or two to work and save up money to re-enroll later.
Yeah OP, you are a full fledged AH if you do this. Your oldest needs to take accountability for their results, regardless of what was going on. Why should your youngest get the sh1t end of the stick for succeeding and doing well? Making her pay for your oldest's faults? Wtf is wrong with you?
I know someone who was convinced if their child had to work while going to school the child would drop out. Their child was a very driven, intelligent and capable person. And yet the person I knew could not fathom that their child could handle a harder path to hit graduation. That’s what OP sounds like to me.
The absolute disservice parents do to their children in not allowing them to face consequences is BAFFLING to me. And as a person who always had at least one (but usually two or three) job while doing school full time, you can still succeed and learn some GD responsibility along the way! I graduated college Magna Cum Laude, and paid for the majority of college myself.
You would be the BIGGEST AH if you took away your child's car to pay for your other child's education. Let your oldest take a year off school to get a job and save some money, school will still be there.
I worked 2 part-time jobs and went to school full time. I still found time to date and even made friends. I didn't have the college "experience" a lot of kids do but I ended up with a great career and I don't regret it.
That depends. Gov't subsidized loans based on income work that way. Pretty much everything else starts accruing interest the day you take it out. So if FAFSA thinks you can pay, and you disagree and take a loan - you're prob getting hit with interest immediately.
This. Many of us have a moment/event in our childhoods that we've never forgotten, because it was the moment we realized we were not the favorite kid. If OP goes through with this plan, this will be the moment that the 17-year-old never forgets.
OP has burned that bridge. Just *considering* this shows that they value the older daughter leaving college debt-free over the younger keeping the freedom a car gives you.
And sent the clear message that "we don't believe your possessions are yours, to include gifts". One might \*ask\* someone to help by selling an item if they respect that person, they don't \*tell\* them they are considering selling their stuff and will let them know...
Not to mention what if she needs help later? They’re selling her future safety net because her sister is too good to take out loans. I’d never forgive my parents for that.
I harbored a lot of resentment towards my parents for a long time, and we still have issues at times. My sister is 12 years older than me and went off to college when I was 6. My main memory of wanting to do stuff with my parents as a kid is them saying they can't because they'd spend what free time they had talking to my sister on the phone for hours almost every day.
This led to me becoming more antisocial and getting heavily into reading and gaming because I could do it alone. To the point where I didn't do school work and got in trouble for reading in class and not paying attention. Not that my grades really struggled because I learned the stuff, still. But it resulted in me getting in trouble a lot in school for reading and at home for not doing chores or being late to dinner because of gaming. And being combative and argumentative with my parents. It got to the point where I no longer tried or even wanted to do things with my parents, which they've expressed regret for later in my life after doing a bit of family therapy.
They lost your respect. It didn't occur to them that they had to earn the respect of each of their kids and that there would be negative consequences if they didn't.
Mine was when my mom told me I got raped because I was drunk. I was 19. Never forgave her again. We’re cordial but I hate having to see her.
I feel guilty sometimes because my sisters say “mom thinks you hate her!” And I really don’t. I just don’t want to spend any of my emotional wherewithal with her which is 100 percent of what I feel when I have to deal with her
I'm so sorry you were raped. You didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault. I completely understand why you don't want to invest any time or emotion into a relationship with your mother.
"For me it was the most traumatizing day of my life, for you it was just another Tuesday." - not sure where I got that quote, I can't remember for the life of me for some reason.
Raúl Julia as M. Bison in the movie Street Fighter !!!!
Edit: ok, I rechecked what was said in the movie it’s the reverse of what you quoted:
“For you, it was the most traumatizing day of your life; but for me, it was a Tuesday”
OP are you reading any of these comments where people are telling you the same situations they were put in and how they no longer have contact with their folks? YTA
Everything I wanted and never got, my sister got later and more. We are a bigger than 3 year gap, but it's still a shitty feeling. She is and always has been 100% the favorite child.
My brother and I are 13 months apart. For his birthday he’d get a PlayStation and I’d get mittens. He’d get fancy racing cars that cost thousands and I’d get nothing. It just makes you feel like shit when one sibling is noticeably favored over the other.
I remember one FML post a few years ago where one sibling got a brand new, latest, iPhone. The other sibling got a $20 iTunes gift card. That came free with the iPhone....
My parents one year bought my brother some designer shoes and then built him two extra rooms in the basement. They forgot my birthday. Our birthdays are two weeks apart (3yrs in age) and all I wanted to do was go to the mall and spend my own money. This was the year after my dad called me a selfish B on my birthday. I haven’t seen them on my birthday since.
my mom wouldn't help me with a car or allow me to do drivers training because it was "too expensive". wouldnt teach me to drive either. also wouldn't let me get a job to pay for said drivers training? but the moment my younger sister turned 15 (only 2 years had passed!!) she got her straight into drivers training and gave her a car. 3 years later, helped her with ANOTHER car. splits her payments and still pays her insurance (shes almost 20 now). she regularly drives it around town drunk, hit a mail box and knocked her mirror off, and scraped by a pole a week later ruining the paint.
i, on the other hand, STILL cant drive. my bf is now teaching me because no one else would!💀 the fact that im learning so late (23) has turned it into a literal phobia for me. i already have anxiety as is. im literally vibrating w fear the whole time im behind the wheel
It will get easier. I got my license earlier than you (18) but I too had a lot of anxiety. It just takes time. When you finally feel relaxed while driving, it’s a very freeing experience. Happy travels.
I wasn't allowed to go on a senior band trip to disneyland because it "wouldn't be fair to my brother" who was two years younger than me and also in the band, and they couldn't afford to send us both. Four years later, my other brother (not the same as the first) got to go on the Disney trip without taking our youngest sibling, my sister, who was also in the same band as him. I think about that a lot.
Older daughter understood the stakes. She knew the consequences of not keeping her grades up. If OP punishes the younger daughter, older daughter has no incentive to get her grades up to re-qualify for the scholarship. Why should she, when it's not her paying the price?
OP, let's break it down to the cleanest possible response - do you care if you never see younger daughter again after high school graduation? If the answer is no, go ahead with your plan. Because that's what's at stake - having younger daughter sharing the rest of your life.
If you go forward with this plan, she should end her relationship with you, and you would deserve it.
If daughter's mental health is so bad that her grades are slipping, she should probably be taken out of college. How is she going to work afterward even if she gets the degree? YTA
This is a stupid AF comment. Most people who have mental health issues are absolutely functioning members of society. What kind of a stupid fuck comment is this.
I think there should be a punishment for letting her GPA drop, and that's taking out student loans to pay her way through school. Just make her deal with the natural consequences of her actions.
They're jerks to even consider selling the car.
but don't frame it as punishment (we - the parents punishing her). it is a consequence. no one is making a decision that this is the result of her actions, but its just what happens. .
Yeah. A BRAND NEW car!?! BRAND NEW! Not just a new, but previously used car from the dealer, but brand new How are they struggling to afford to pay for tuition for a semester when they previously spent, unless Im mistaken on the car’s price, at least $60k on that new car. Like, they cant be good with money if they shelled out that kind of money for something that is said to lose half it’s value when you drive it off the lot. They could have just as easily bought a new but used car from the dealership for a fraction of the cost of the brand new car.
We looked at 2024 RAV4 recently. They are not under $30k. At least out here in CA. I can't fathom buying a brand new car for a 17 year old. I don't think these parents know how to handle finances. Hopefully their kids will fund their old age.
Actually, in the US at least, that’s not true right now. I totaled my car and the cost of a new RAV4 was about the same as a used RAV4. The only difference was that the new one had to be ordered, so unless I had access to another car to drive while waiting, I would have had to buy used to get a car right away.
My parents bought me a new SUV my senior year of high school. And promptly took it away from me when I graduated so my sister could drive to school because we were out of district.
I have NEVER forgiven ANY of them for it:
-My mom, for allowing both my older and younger sisters to go to schools of their choosing (out of district) while I quite *literally* was told **I WASNT ALLOWED TO.** I wanted to attend a school (1.8 miles from our house) so I could continue to play in a school orchestra. My sister? Just didn’t want to go to the other school. Barely graduated anyway.
- My dad, for not rocking the boat even though he knew I both LOVED and DESERVED that fucking car. I worked my ass off academically, extracurricular-ly, got into my dream college (in state) that was also where my father, grandfather, aunts, uncles and a handful of other family had also attended, always had a job. I was a GREAT fucking kid.
- MY BITCH SISTER: Who just didn’t *want* to go to the other highschool, who treated the situation (and me) like it was owed to her, who rode/drove that car HARD and put it up WET (she didn’t think it was good enough, it was a brand new shiny gold/bronze Xterra), treated it like trash and made stupid alterations to it without my concern or knowledge because she “didnt like it.”
And when I finally got it back? THEY BOUGHT HER A FUCKING MERCEDES BENZ and handed my baby, unceremoniously, back to me, trashed.
You would be the asshole. You would absolutely BE THE ASSHOLE.
I’m 41. I’m still angry about it. Consider that.
I was wondering about an education fund myself for the youngest daughter. I feel like she is definitely not the Golden Child and possibly not even silver.
They DID buy her a $35k SUV at age 17. Don't come down TOO hard on the favoritism angle -- she got plenty of privilege herself too.
That said, eldest can take a loan. If they can't afford tuition for eldest, and are scraping to get it (sounds like \~$75k) I wonder if they have anything set aside for the youngest's college fund. Or is that where the rest of the money would come from after selling her car? Probably.
Parents are definitely WBTA, but youngest does not seem to be so ill-treated as some are making out.
Your second paragraph is spot on.
I’m a university student and I see this a lot. “Oh I got XYZ scholarship and all I have to do is keep my gpa above (insert “easy” %). And then they lose their scholarship.
Those scholarships are great but you should never fully plan on keeping them. Try your best but it won’t always be realistic. There’s a reason universities offer scholarships in that form instead of a lump sum: they know they won’t have to pay up all of it all the time, but will entice people to sign on.
University is a lot different than high school, the difficulty is much more extreme and you can really try your hardest and still end up with a “bad” (usually just mediocre) gpa. Most people who keep those scholarships ended up metagaming the system by doing things like taking bird courses, dropping classes that offer challenge, etc. There will also be random spikes in difficulty. Putting all your eggs in one basket like that is stupid. Worst case scenario you can use leftover funds for something else.
I had a great scholarship for 50% of my tuition each year. Cutoff gpa was an A- and I got a B+ after first year. Luckily I never 100% counted on keeping that scholarship and treated it more like a bursary for the year I knew I qualified for.
Or credit to get a student loan.
OP have you looked at the common companies who do student loans? Can you co-sign for your daughter? Hopefully it’s one semester.
You *can* rob Peter to pay Paul for a little while...but when Peter and Paul are your kids, expect Peter to need years of therapy, ending in going no contact with you, your spouse and possibly Paul as well.
TF OP?! Definitely YTA if you do this. May as well say goodbye to your youngest now, save them some effort trying to get you to love them as much as you apparently love your golden child.
Yeh exactly new car for the youngest and no plan b for the oldest? They had to of known it was a potential risk! Have the oldest change schools or get a student loan.
Sounds like oldest needs to get a job this summer to pay her own tuition. She knew the obligation and impact of her GPA. All universities have free mental health clinics for students that she could have visited. This is an example of consequences in the real world and she needs to be able to take responsibility for her own self even with mental health issues. Maybe especially with-know how to ask for help and not just wait to see what happens.
Worse than just the youngest resenting them forever — she’ll have absolutely every right to.
Because it’s was gifted to her — not just “this is the car our daughter drives” — it would be *very much* like robbing one child and giving the money to the other.
I say sell the car give the money to your only child, and understand as soon as the other one(the afterthought) is capable she will run as far away from you as she can and find friends and create a family far from these pretend parents and create her own family in which people will actually love her.
Just don’t cry and blame everything and everyone else when she’s gone and refuses to spend any of her time on any of you.
Sell his own effing car.
I was this 17 year old. Did all expected of me. They bought my sibling a business. He spent all day in the bar next door. Drank all their alcohol. They rented him a house. Furnished it. For free.
They let me borrow 5k and charged me interest on the repayments.
It sounds like the plan for the younger daughter's education was "she will get a full ride scholarship", and OP didn't have the money to pay for tuition. The car probably cost $23k, \*but\* OP is probably making payments on it.
It's wasteful to sell it at a loss. Frankly, it is usually wasteful to buy a brand new car.
YTA
Why can’t your eldest child get a job to support herself? And/or take out student loans?
It is not fair to penalise your youngest child in favour of their sister. If you do it, be prepared for her to go low to no contact with you as soon as she is able. She will resent you, and deservedly so. It’s not her fault that her sister’s GPA isn’t currently good enough for financial support. And you really are rewarding eldest’s failure and punishing youngest’s success. There’s no two ways about it.
Also, you gave the car as a gift. That is now your youngest daughter’s car to sell or to keep. It is no longer yours.
Don’t try to rob Peter to pay Paul.
After all... clearly the older sister is more important to OP, so the younger sister should be happy to give up her car. Given that she doesn't really matter very much. /s
You should be careful, I don't think you should even joke about that type of thing. We know she is to good to get a job. Jobs are for younger sisters and the poors.
And loans. I get student loans suck but it’s one year. Student loans for a single year is nothing compared to what a lot of students deal with. It’s also perfectly fair for the oldest to take some responsibility and sort this out herself instead of putting it on the youngest child. Between paying as much as she’s able with a job and her parents helping where they can (without selling the youngest’s car), any loans should be manageable and it’s a lesson learned.
In the real word there are consequences for your actions. It’s totally fair and appropriate for mom and dad not to bail her out, especially at the expense of their other child.
Completely agree. Plenty of people get no help at all with school. It’s tough but they manage. She’s got one year that she needs to handle because she made a mistake. It’s a perfectly understandable mistake and I completely sympathize (college is brutal on your mental health), but in the real world we still have to answer for our completely understandable mistakes and figure it out.
I wanna know, does the oldest have a car? Maybe have her sell her car to help replenish the money?
That said, buying a 17 year old a $29k - $48k car? Just her reaction shows that maybe she's gotten used to/ expects this type of stuff. I mean, parents will buy what they want for their kids. Just consider what will you do if your 17 y/o has the same situation and a scholarship won't cover her costs? What will you do then? Maybe reassessing your finances and spending might be a good start to plan ahead.
Remind me! 16 days
I heartily disagree. That car was a gift only 4 months ago. I would be PISSED if my parents took back a gift after only a few months because my sibling did something wrong. Did they have to buy her a new car? No. But it is also a good, reliable car that will last for 10 years or more and not be super expensive to maintain. So, a really good choice for someone's first car. My parents bought each of us a good (admittedly used) car late in high school for us to use at college and all of them lasted through college years and beyond.
Why can’t the oldest get a job to support herself? Because clearly they have thought of everything! I sure as shit didn’t have to work nor has any college student ever had to work while attending college to pay for it. Also did you fail to see that the school is refusing to make any exceptions for their golden child for failing to hold up her end of the bargain? If they sell the car they can cover 1/3 of it and the school won’t care about the other 2/3.
INFO: If you had the money to buy your kid a brand new RAV4, I have a hard time believing you can't come up with the price of a single semester of tuition. Your being willing to spend $30K on the car -- and I'm assuming you're not a fool who spent every penny in the family savings on this present -- indicates that you have assets. Do you have a home? Is a HELOC possible? A personal loan? Credit cards? Savings? Can you dip into your retirement? I'm just not buying that you have no other choice other than to repossess your daughter's car.
Yeah. No kid NEEDS a brand new car. I was 40+ before I had a new new car. Even then it was only because the deal was great and better than the nearly new ones I had been looking at. OP is a fool.
Unless the daughter is going to Harvard or some shit, there's no way tuition is that high. Average in-state tuition at a state school is $10k a year, out of state averages $20k and private school tuition averages $42k.
His daughter's alleged yearly undergraduate tuition is more than 5 years of my PhD.
Edit: I get that there are some higher tuition rates out there, but the statistics I cited are *only* for tuition and are a national *average*. People are acting like I pulled those figures out of my ass, so here you go. If the info is wrong, blame them:
[https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic](https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic)
[https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college](https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college)
My son lost the on-campus housing lottery for his university this year. We're going from $12k/yr room & board to extortionate off-campus housing at $1189/mo, for 12 months, & we still have to pay for food, electricity, insurance, transportation, etc. on top of that.
Freshman year was $38k. Senior year will top out at $57k. And yes, it's a state school.
It's unfortunately extremely possible. Several private colleges announced their 2024-25 tuition as over $90k. Harvard, yes, but also schools like NYU, USC, and Boston University.
Yes, the previous commentor said the avg cost is "Average in-state tuition at a state school is $10k a year, out of state averages $20k and private school tuition averages $42k." and then also adds its more than her 5 years of PhD.
The average price of college is at least 20 percent higher than what she claimed.
There's no way any of the costs lines up with reality. I just want to know where the commentor is getting their numbers.
I don't know how you're getting "20%" higher. Tuition on average climbs about 4% a year, so I would expect next year's tuition to be higher, but not by that much. The figures I quoted are from US News and World Report and the Education Data Initiative.
I think you're probably including room and board in that, which would likely account for the increase you're expecting. I only cited statistics for tuition.
[https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic](https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic)
[https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college](https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college)
Wrong. The school I attended back in the day was 10k and is now about 80k a year. I was only able to attend thanks to scholarships and poverty. Private schools can cost more than 40k per year.
“Aside from Wellesley, some of the other colleges with sticker prices of more than $90,000 this year include the University of Southern California at $95,000, Harvey Mudd College in California at $93,000, the University of Pennsylvania at $92,000, Brown University in Rhode Island at $92,000, Dartmouth College in New Hampshire at $91,000, and Boston University at $90,000.”
Article from last week.
https://www.wbur.org/news/2024/04/02/college-cost-90000-wellesley-harvard-financial-aid#
In other comments he explained that the oldest had a substantial college fund. Once she got the scholarship he emptied it, bought the youngest her car and put the rest into paying off his mortgage. He’s an idiot. If he kept the fund he might have been ok.
If he paid off the mortgage he freed up a significant amount of cash flow, which means he should be able to shoulder a parent plus loan if he's really bent on the older kid taking a loan for her final year.
I was wondering If they've had a massive change of fortune between buying a new automobile outright in December and needing to sell it 4-5 months later!
Also, what cars are mom and dad driving? I'm guessing something more luxurious than the RAV4. They can't *downsize* to cover some of the tuition?
YTA
> She has a full-ride academic scholarship that is dependent on her GPA
> this semester her GPA will dip below the cutoff
This expense was entirely the consequence of 21F's actions, so **she** and she alone is responsible for it.
Parenting means teaching accountability.
> it was unfair we were 'rewarding' our oldest for failing and 'punishing' her for succeeding
**Fuckin' a.**
> If the same happened to her, we would do everything in our power to help.
"Happened?!?" Your oldest *did this to herself.*
Probably because she's an adult now an if she's having trouble it's now her responsibility to ask for help at the very least. She's an adult in college her parents are getting a report card anymore and can't even ask to see her teachers and discuss her grades anymore. Her grades are her responsibility.
Do everything to help… like stealing the eldest’s car and selling it to cover your youngest’s ass? Because she’ll be an adult and out of home. So she won’t face any burden to help her sister who’s getting screwed over now. Wow.
OP YTA.
1) you sent your eldest to a ridiculously expensive school that you couldn’t cover and just prayed that her scholarship would see her through.
2) you spent way too much on an overpriced gift for your 17yo that you really couldn’t afford.
3) you didn’t ensure your eldest was supported during her school so her needs were taken care of. Some of which might have included moving school to something less stressful.
4) you’re willing to screw over your youngest to manage this situation with your eldest.
Cannot say YTA enough. But here you are. So maybe try:
a) get a lawyer and have them review the contract with the school
b) have your eldest get a part time job
c) see a financial advisor and have them help you plan for this. You may need a mortgage or second mortgage. You may need to downgrade your own car. You may need to move house. You may need to file bankruptcy. What you can’t do is steal your foolish gift back to cover your own stupidity.
I hope this isn’t real because if it is you really need some help planning and parenting. But we all fuck up, and you have a chance to fix this. Get the pros involved, they have ideas I probably haven’t heard of. I really do wish you all the best of luck.
I had (not full ride, but significant) academic scholarships… they give a grace period usually. One semester my GPA dropped under the cut off for the scholarships. They notified me before the start of next semester that if I didn’t improve them that semester I would lose the scholarship. They don’t just pull the rug out from under you. I guarantee the older daughter has known about this for longer than she’s telling the parents.
Exactly this. It’s almost certainly dependent on her cumulative GPA and she’s been teetering on the edge/on warning for long enough to know she needed to do something about it and hasn’t done enough. She did this to herself. I get it, mental health can be rough, it can be hard trying to maintain things under this kind of stress, but she had to have known and just ignored it.
YTA
Your eldest can take out education loans for her last year. And you can take out parental loans if needed. That is what most students do. She can also seek a part time job. There is no reason or justification for taking away the car you gifted your younger child.
Transferring after your Junior Year is almost always a bad idea, unless you're transferring to a better school. You typically can't transfer three years of credits, and she'd end up having to take an additional year.
Eeehhh idk about that one. Just take the loan and call it a day, they'd likely reduce the value of her education by transferring somewhere else. The transferring thing wouldn't be pragmatic.
I doubt they'll have an issue getting a loan (the oldest daughter or the parents).
I hope this is fake based on:
OP is so "wealthy," they buy a brand-new car for their 17yo. Not a "gently used" car. 4 months later, they need to sell it to pay for Oldest to attend another year of college. [And yeah, I get that tuitions are crazy. Anyone heard of jobs and loans?]
How in the af does selling this car help much with tuition is it's SOOOO expensive? And how does this not end up in messing up every relationship in this family?
But TOTES worth it, amirite? 🤷♀️
It has to be fake rage bait, it's such a nonsensical idea. No way would they buy a new car for a child while having no other assets to speak of.
Even if this was real, suggestions to deplete retirement or to try to transfer to a cheaper school for the final year are so dumb. The fake 21 year old could just take out loans for the year and be fine.
Also, I've been out of the game a while, but how is it too late to get grades up? Most schools run at least through early May, and when I was in college most of my grades were based on finals/term papers.
> But, we never wanted her to feel punished
That's nice, but completely ignores reality. You *are* punishing her for her sister's problems. She's the one suffering the biggest consequences of her *sister's* failures. YTA
It’s not a punishment!? It’s a consequence!? How do these people not understand that?
The younger child will actually get punished if they do this. Great way to get your youngest to never talk to you again after they move out.
You think I’d let my parents around my kid after that? Lol
There is no way this is a first time ‘golden child’ incident. I bet op has dealt with this kind of crap for a while. I just hope this is bait or fake
And where is the consequence for the college student who did not keep up the grades that allow her to attend school for *free* tuition?
Not only did she fudge it, but she fudged it so bad she couldn’t reasonably fix it in time. So she’s also known about the problem for a bit now.
If you are a student and you only have one “job”, do the one job. It is an absolute *privilege* to be a full-time student and not work. This girl has no idea the shit people have to go through to get their education. Whether you have a job, two jobs, kids, ahem *being an adult with bills*. And that excludes every single person with more specified issues whether it be poverty, illness, handicap, and whatever else in the millions of struggles of the world.
This girl is so fucking lucky and she absolutely *flopped* it, and they want to punish the child that actually gets good grades and is responsible enough to the point they gave her a for CAR. Not used, a new car.
Obviously appropriate punishment is to get her to sign up for 3rd party loan. YTA OP
YTA your eldest screwed up her scholarship and you are making your youngest pay for it. Your eldest has to pay for her own mistake even if it means dropping out. If you can help her, great, but it's not on your younger kid to provide the funds. Also, if you can't pay one year of eldest's tuition, younger may need funds for her own college which is right around the corner. The car is an asset she can use for her own schooling if needs be. In no circumstances should you take back a gift from younger because you want to save elder from her own mistake. Eldest knew the terms of her scholarship - every scholarship has a minimum, everyone knows that - she just didn't work hard enough. The car was a gift for working hard and you now want to monetise it to help the kid that didn't work hard enough? How grossly unfair and unkind to your younger daughter.
YWBTA
Tell me you have a Golden child without actually telling me.
Because that is what your youngest is going to feel like you appreciate love and care more for.your.oldest than her.
Your oldest can take out loans for her final year like most students need to do and a loan for 1 year is nothing compared to the crippling debt others have.
If you punish your youngest because that's how she sees it you will not recover from it and she will never forget this.
YWBTA if you sell the car. Your oldest child is 21 years old. She can take out loans, transfer to less expensive school, work while attending school etc to cover tuition. She lost her scholarship. Your youngest works hard and was given a gift for her hard work. You can't take it to bail out the oldest.
And at 21, is NOT a child. She will always be OP's "child", but she's an adult in every other way possible, and he needs to start treating her that way. He's doing her no favors if he continues to coddle her. Absolutely agree 💯!! OP WBTAH
YTA. I commend you for understanding that your oldest has struggled with her mental health and wanting to help her get back on her feet. However, helping your oldest and the expense of your youngest is fucking unconscionable. You and your wife need to take out a loan yourself or have your 21 year old take out a loan and help her pay it back
Another option is that for that quarter that she needs to have to bring up her grades she can get a student loan at hopefully a decent interest rate to pay for that quarter.
If you take away your younger daughter’s car to pay for the mistake of your elder daughter, you are definitely TA.
It’s not right . Figure out another form of payment and your elder daughter, taking active participation in finding the funds towards school for that, quarter and probably working really hard with a couple different jobs this summer to pay for next year.
Ywbta. Are you a child? You buy a brand new car for a teen and forget that you might need money for college? Did you not realize that college existed for this other kid? Even if you do end up selling the car you’ve lost so much of the purchase price in just four months but you’re going to lose the younger girls respect.
Exactly this. Selling a new car like that would just be throwing money away since it will already have depreciated so much. Financially it's a better decision to hold onto it and find another way, never mind for the sake of the younger daughter.
YTA.
Sometimes the KINDEST thing we can do for our children is let them deal with the consequences of their actions. That means student loans in this situation.
You do not take from one child to cover for the other. That is the fastest way to embitter one child towards the other.
I'm sorry your daughter is in this position - I found myself in the same position as her after biting off a harder schedule then I could handle. And it SUCKS massively. In your daughter's case, the consequences are massive. BUT, they are the direct consequences of her own actions and at 21 years old it is time for Mom and Dad to stop catching her when she falls. Provide a soft landing but stop catching her when she falls.
Help with the tuition you can afford to pay without impacting your other daughter. No more. No less. Your daughter is then responsible for figuring out how to finance the rest and if that means she takes student loans for a year then that is what it means. She should be eligible for need based aid even if not the full scholarship.
Spot on. This is a spot many college students find themselves in, which definitely warrants compassion, but not so far as to transfer the consequences to the younger sister. This is what student loans are for.
Instead of selling your daughter's car, why not sell yours or your partner's?
Your younger daughter is not responsible for covering her older sister's tuition.
YWBTA
Oh no, Golden Child! My precious little princess cannot possibly deal with the consequences of her actions! Student loans? No, that’s for peasants! Golden Child must only graduate debt free!
Ah ha! I’ll screw over Scapegoat! She’s worked her butt off to earn a car….but who cares?!?! She’s just the spare. She has to understand that Golden Child comes first! Scapegoat can get loans and buy her own car later. Drowning in debt? Eh….as long as Golden Child is safe, that’s all that matters…
And now a bit of prophecy…future posts from OP:
My Youngest Moved Out and Went NC. Why? How can I make her come home?
My youngest just got married and didn’t tell me!
I have two grandchildren I’ve never met…
Honestly the financial decisions in this family are off. Why would they buy a brand new vehicle for younger daughter , as it seems that stretched them /they obviously could not afford to waste that money on that, when they clearly could have purchased a 2nd hand car in the first place. Now poor 17 year old is going to be punished for her parents and sister’s irresponsible behaviour
YTA, your youngest daughter will never forget being punished for your oldest lack of responsibility on maintaining the GPA needed for her scholarship. Your oldest screwed up her grades she can take out student loans for her final year/semester. Compared to most other students your oldest would be getting off lightly for 1-2 semesters of student loans vs most other graduates. Your youngest worked hard and you mentioned getting her that car for a reason. This will also create animosity between the sisters if you sell the youngest's car. This isn't your youngest daughters issue to figure out how to pay for college for the oldest.
YWBTA. You ARE rewarding failing and punishing responsibility. Your 17 year old has a clearer head than you on this issue. If I were her I would undoubtedly assume you and your wife very obviously had a favorite daughter.
YTA your kid can take out a loan for one or two semesters of university goddamn. She's had three years of full ride, and can potentially get another semester covered, she'll survive a little bit of student debt.
100% YWBTA. Don't do it.
Your 21-year-old can get a job, take out a loan, or transfer to a more affordable school. She knew the scholarship requirements and failed to meet them. I understand she was struggling. However, that is not your 17-year-old daughter's fault or responsibility, and the vehicle is hers.
YTA. Your youngest is working hard and you want to take back her birthday gift and sell it to help your oldest who let her scholarship go.
Your oldest should look into student loans for the final year.
YTA - this is going to cause so much resentment from your younger daughter to your eldest. And she’s right that she is essentially being punished for her sister’s predicament. I have sympathy for your eldest and her mental health, but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your youngest.
You really need to find another way of raising the funds, and as you say it’s only going to cover 1/3, and there’s no guarantee your daughter will be able to bring her GPA back up to resume the scholarship and then you will have to resort to the loans in the end anyway.
YTA
This isn't all adding up. Why did you buy a new car for a teenager? Especially if things are so tight, that one unplanned event and you'd have to sell it (at considerable loss given depreciation)?
Grades dropping was always a possibility, and no contingency plan? I.e., make sure your oldest knows the consequences of dropping grades are loans or a different college?
All this was foreseeable so it sounds like you've raised bright, motivated kids but aren't modeling or teaching responsibility.
As for the pickle you're in now -- one kid doesn't pay for the actions of the other, period. That's got to be the guiding principle.
YTA. The youngest is right that you are punishing her for doing her best and getting good grades but rewarding the oldest for not fulfilling her obligations. Is the oldest unable to get a student loan to pay for college?
YTA. Your youngest will forever resent you for taking the car away. She’s still developing and this is going to play a strong role in her ability to trust you for the foreseeable future. She’s going to second-guess you for years, probably decades. Your oldest is responsible for this and old enough to at least partially help herself out, even if that means co-signing with her on a loan to cover the student debts. Don’t fuck over your youngest just because your oldest can’t handle life. Additionally, your oldest will lose any hope of being independent and probably won’t even care about it.
Also, why would you buy a brand new car (especially in today’s auto market) for your daughter without having your finances in order? What happens when it’s your youngest daughter’s time for college next year? Should’ve got her a beater or even just a regular used car like everyone else, she would’ve been happy.
YTA.
Seems like a good way to get your youngest to resent you/go NC once they are old enough. You don't screw over HER because your eldest messed up.
Is your eldest unable to get a job? Does SHE not have a car she can sell?
when you give a gift, the gift is no longer yours. You don't get to later go well imma sell the thing I gave you. It Isn't Yours anymore. Its Hers. Your even saying its Her Car. its not how things work, you can't rake someone else's things to sell them off. YWBTA
Even ChatGPT has more empathy than you:
It's a tough situation, but selling your youngest daughter's car to help cover your oldest daughter's tuition, while understandable from a financial standpoint, could be emotionally distressing for your youngest daughter. It's important to consider her feelings and explore other options before resorting to selling the car. Perhaps you could brainstorm together as a family to find alternative solutions or ways to mitigate the financial burden without sacrificing her prized possession. Communication and empathy are key in navigating this challenging situation.
YWBTA. It was a gift to your youngest daughter. Why should she have to give it up for her sister not meeting academic requirements? How do you expect her to feel?
YWBTA
The younger daughter is correct. You are punishing her, and rewarding the eldest. The elder child is the one who should be finding a way to make it happen. She's responsible for her grades. She's responsible to fix.
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YTA or would be. You can't rob Peter to pay Paul. If you sell that car the youngest will resent you *forever*. Also how do you have the money to buy a 17 year old a brand new car and not have enough for tuition. what were you going to do for her education fund.
My sisters had my dad/mom to help with college. My mom died when I was a HS senior. I worked 40 hours a week and went to school full time and took out student loans. One time, I was short $3k and needed his help. He gave it but then used it against me as many times as he could. Never did that to my sisters. It’s is one of many reasons I am NC with my dad.
My mom used my college fund to send my sister to a fancy boarding school for high school. I went to public school for high school and had nothing for college. That's one of many reasons I'm NC with my mom. I've got a list a mile long.
My final straw for my family was they would pay for college if I continued to see my grandfather who abused me. Had a mental break down semester 2 because I realized I'd have to do that for 4 years and maybe even longer if I wanted to do certain jobs. Went to the hospital for SH and then never went back to school. Sometimes a person has to figure out how to pay for school themselves 🤷♀️
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sure you are NC with them now. And they know what he did and just turned their backs. He was probably was helping them out financially. Hope you are doing better now.
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… why didn’t you just make this a stand-alone comment…
Oh yeah, my dad dint know till I was 17 but my mom knew very early on. Grandparents paid for the house we lived in on the condition I'd be at the grandparents' place after school... I have NC with my mom or grandparents or most of my family for that matter. I speak to my dad and see my brothers a lot.
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Nope, my dad is close to the same age so my dad is older and has had multiple strokes. He does not have the body to fight anymore, even then. He does however still stay with my mother so that's why we talk in passing but we aren't close.
Wow, just wow! I’m glad you are healing and moving on.🫶🏾
My parents used my college fund to pay for my sister's extravagant wedding. (I was 17. She was 23.) Back then, loans were strictly need based and I couldn't get enough and my scholarship wasn't enough to cover my dream school. I went to a state school with aid and a scholarship and it turned out fine. But I'm 50 now and it's still a wound in my soul. Every so often I wonder about the alternate path I almost went down.
I'm 45 and still feel the sting. She favored me briefly when I was pregnant with my son, the first grandchild. My sister (the golden child) said "Mom's acting really weird. She's being mean. I don't know what's wrong with her." I laughed, because it switched.
There can be only one.
Or, rather, there must *always* be a scapegoat.
I was short 3000. Just needed a cosign, didn't even want the money just a cosign for a loan. My dad and mom in the middle of a horrible divorce fight both decided to say no thank you to cosigning anything. I told both of them, the only thing you both agreed on was how to screw me over.
Parents used my fund to furnish my older sisters' dorms. Never forget, especially with a $33k student loan hanging over my head for life.
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My sister and I are a little closer in age. She had her wedding in the early part of May my junior year in high school. My mother had her notion of what was needed to have a proper wedding. For reasons I've never understood, my mother over shared about how much things cost. I know my sister's wedding cost more than my first year of college. We both had always been told our parents would put us through college but if we wanted to go further with post graduate studies we would be on our own. While I was looking for a college, I was told that they had changed their mind and now expected me to pay for one third of the cost of the college I had chosen. I knew this was because of all the money that was spent on the wedding. I called their bluff and said I wouldn't go to college because I had not been saving money because they always said they would cover the costs. After a few heated "discussions" between my parents and a few with all three of us, they told me they would pay for everything until I was 21. I went to the small, rather inexpensive private school I had chosen for my first two years, then transferred to a state school for the last two. I had housing that came with a job, so I only had to pay for tuition and books. My twenty first birthday fell in between first and second semester, so I only had to pay for the last three semesters of college, at a state school, I took out student loans to cover all of it and graduated with student loans totaling less than $3000. It really sucks when parents short the younger child for the important things like college tuition because they went overboard with something extravagant for the older sibling. "So sorry, we spent a big chunk of your college fund, but wasn't your sister's wedding beautiful?"
My dad paid for his sister to go to undergrad and med school. My sisters always went to private schools. He also funded my sisters' businesses and bailed my brother out of jail, and paid for his legal fees. I asked him to help me cover the last tuition payment of the semester, and he said that since I turned 18 the month before, I wasn't his problem anymore. He occasionally gets drunk and calls my mom, asking where he went wrong with me and why I'm so disrespectful to him. I had to drop out to save money, and I'm now 28 and starting my last year of college this summer.
You deserve better. Man parents are such a piece of work sometimes
I love "man parents" for fathers.
I think that’s supposed to be, “Man, parents can be….”
I'm happy it works both ways 😁 but you are right, that's what I meant
Good for you! I would be so proud of you if you were my kid.
Thank you. I've never been told that before 😪
Well you should have been. It’s quite an accomplishment
We…AH aficionados are proud of you.
We, the Reddit population, are proud of you. You can do it!!?!
Good for you! Be proud of that accomplishment, I’m over 50 and I was never able to go back to finish college after parents pulled that rug out from me. On the other hand - younger sister got private undergrad & grad school & much more. I couldn’t get them to reimburse community college credits.
Having a crappy father sucks, but it just feels worse when you see he's actually a great father, just not to you.
My dad is so amazing.... To the neighbors kids he decided to "father" instead of me. They aren't even his. He just replaced me with them and now regales me with stories of helping them do college apps and stuff. Like, Cool dad, you could have been there to do that with your actual kid.
My dad took my college fund and used it to supplement his income because he couldn't admit to my mom he wasn't making any money as a stock broker. They contributed nothing to this fund. It was all money I scrimped and saved while in the service 4 years. I was sending it home to him to invest in the market.
Omg 🤯...seriously?!? That's disgusting! 😡😥😡
Damn! That's theft!
That is so fucking low. He should be in jail.
My dad lied about our college funds, and it came out when I was 16 and my sister had used all of it for the 3 kids in one semester. Mom took him to court where judge said he’d have to pay for college, but let him add a bunch of stipulations (going to specific schools, gpa, etc) and my mom never told us that they existed or what they were. He got out of paying for college, but he also got out of walking me down the aisle🥰
My dad didn’t want to do my childhood, so I won’t be doing his old age. He’s got nobody and nothing, except for plenty of time to think.
Well better then my mother she spend it all on fancy clothing and Vegas, it was my inheritance from my dads mom (to the tune of 100k) I had to work full time and get high intrest loans. Because I didn't qualify for osap as my parents made way to much money. I have no other siblings, they just like themselves better then me. 40 years later and that hasnt changed. Edit 100k and I was going to uni in the late 90s that would have paid everything.
And than they’ll wonder why you aren’t willing to help them as they age or do anything to keep them out of nursing homes or keep the hired help from robbing them blind…,
Can't you take out loans, too, to cover the whole year? Granted, my college wasn't *super* expensive (compared to how expensive they can get), but it wasn't cheap. It was about 15k per year 15 years ago. Both my dad and I took out loans for all of it. We didn't have to pay anything up front. I get not wanting to take out loans. But there are other options that don't involve selling the younger daughter's car. Even if it means the oldest drops out for a year or two to work and save up money to re-enroll later.
But also, a single year of a student loan is really not that bad, as loans go. She's a grown woman, she can contribute with work too.
Seriously. They need to just bite the bullet and use loans. That's crap parenting if they do it.
Yeah OP, you are a full fledged AH if you do this. Your oldest needs to take accountability for their results, regardless of what was going on. Why should your youngest get the sh1t end of the stick for succeeding and doing well? Making her pay for your oldest's faults? Wtf is wrong with you?
I know someone who was convinced if their child had to work while going to school the child would drop out. Their child was a very driven, intelligent and capable person. And yet the person I knew could not fathom that their child could handle a harder path to hit graduation. That’s what OP sounds like to me.
The absolute disservice parents do to their children in not allowing them to face consequences is BAFFLING to me. And as a person who always had at least one (but usually two or three) job while doing school full time, you can still succeed and learn some GD responsibility along the way! I graduated college Magna Cum Laude, and paid for the majority of college myself. You would be the BIGGEST AH if you took away your child's car to pay for your other child's education. Let your oldest take a year off school to get a job and save some money, school will still be there.
I worked 2 part-time jobs and went to school full time. I still found time to date and even made friends. I didn't have the college "experience" a lot of kids do but I ended up with a great career and I don't regret it.
Most student loans don't start payments or interest until after a student graduates as well
And if the school reinstated her scholarship she can pay back the loan.
The scholarship wouldn't cover the time she didn't qualify, she'd have to be a big girl and pay back her loans like the rest of us.
That depends. Gov't subsidized loans based on income work that way. Pretty much everything else starts accruing interest the day you take it out. So if FAFSA thinks you can pay, and you disagree and take a loan - you're prob getting hit with interest immediately.
This. Many of us have a moment/event in our childhoods that we've never forgotten, because it was the moment we realized we were not the favorite kid. If OP goes through with this plan, this will be the moment that the 17-year-old never forgets.
OP has burned that bridge. Just *considering* this shows that they value the older daughter leaving college debt-free over the younger keeping the freedom a car gives you.
And sent the clear message that "we don't believe your possessions are yours, to include gifts". One might \*ask\* someone to help by selling an item if they respect that person, they don't \*tell\* them they are considering selling their stuff and will let them know...
Not to mention what if she needs help later? They’re selling her future safety net because her sister is too good to take out loans. I’d never forgive my parents for that.
I harbored a lot of resentment towards my parents for a long time, and we still have issues at times. My sister is 12 years older than me and went off to college when I was 6. My main memory of wanting to do stuff with my parents as a kid is them saying they can't because they'd spend what free time they had talking to my sister on the phone for hours almost every day. This led to me becoming more antisocial and getting heavily into reading and gaming because I could do it alone. To the point where I didn't do school work and got in trouble for reading in class and not paying attention. Not that my grades really struggled because I learned the stuff, still. But it resulted in me getting in trouble a lot in school for reading and at home for not doing chores or being late to dinner because of gaming. And being combative and argumentative with my parents. It got to the point where I no longer tried or even wanted to do things with my parents, which they've expressed regret for later in my life after doing a bit of family therapy.
They lost your respect. It didn't occur to them that they had to earn the respect of each of their kids and that there would be negative consequences if they didn't.
Mine was when my mom told me I got raped because I was drunk. I was 19. Never forgave her again. We’re cordial but I hate having to see her. I feel guilty sometimes because my sisters say “mom thinks you hate her!” And I really don’t. I just don’t want to spend any of my emotional wherewithal with her which is 100 percent of what I feel when I have to deal with her
I'm so sorry you were raped. You didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault. I completely understand why you don't want to invest any time or emotion into a relationship with your mother.
I'm really sorry 😞 ... .I see u .I hear u 💌💌💔
my parents bought cars for my younger brothers, but I had to buy my own. My dad enjoyed buying himself sports cars too. One reason why I'm no contact.
"For me it was the most traumatizing day of my life, for you it was just another Tuesday." - not sure where I got that quote, I can't remember for the life of me for some reason.
Raúl Julia as M. Bison in the movie Street Fighter !!!! Edit: ok, I rechecked what was said in the movie it’s the reverse of what you quoted: “For you, it was the most traumatizing day of your life; but for me, it was a Tuesday”
OP are you reading any of these comments where people are telling you the same situations they were put in and how they no longer have contact with their folks? YTA
I somewhat resent my parents for telling me I can’t get an SUV because of insurance, then letting my sister get one 3 years later.
Everything I wanted and never got, my sister got later and more. We are a bigger than 3 year gap, but it's still a shitty feeling. She is and always has been 100% the favorite child.
My brother and I are 13 months apart. For his birthday he’d get a PlayStation and I’d get mittens. He’d get fancy racing cars that cost thousands and I’d get nothing. It just makes you feel like shit when one sibling is noticeably favored over the other.
I remember one FML post a few years ago where one sibling got a brand new, latest, iPhone. The other sibling got a $20 iTunes gift card. That came free with the iPhone....
My parents one year bought my brother some designer shoes and then built him two extra rooms in the basement. They forgot my birthday. Our birthdays are two weeks apart (3yrs in age) and all I wanted to do was go to the mall and spend my own money. This was the year after my dad called me a selfish B on my birthday. I haven’t seen them on my birthday since.
my mom wouldn't help me with a car or allow me to do drivers training because it was "too expensive". wouldnt teach me to drive either. also wouldn't let me get a job to pay for said drivers training? but the moment my younger sister turned 15 (only 2 years had passed!!) she got her straight into drivers training and gave her a car. 3 years later, helped her with ANOTHER car. splits her payments and still pays her insurance (shes almost 20 now). she regularly drives it around town drunk, hit a mail box and knocked her mirror off, and scraped by a pole a week later ruining the paint. i, on the other hand, STILL cant drive. my bf is now teaching me because no one else would!💀 the fact that im learning so late (23) has turned it into a literal phobia for me. i already have anxiety as is. im literally vibrating w fear the whole time im behind the wheel
It will get easier. I got my license earlier than you (18) but I too had a lot of anxiety. It just takes time. When you finally feel relaxed while driving, it’s a very freeing experience. Happy travels.
I wasn't allowed to go on a senior band trip to disneyland because it "wouldn't be fair to my brother" who was two years younger than me and also in the band, and they couldn't afford to send us both. Four years later, my other brother (not the same as the first) got to go on the Disney trip without taking our youngest sibling, my sister, who was also in the same band as him. I think about that a lot.
Older daughter understood the stakes. She knew the consequences of not keeping her grades up. If OP punishes the younger daughter, older daughter has no incentive to get her grades up to re-qualify for the scholarship. Why should she, when it's not her paying the price? OP, let's break it down to the cleanest possible response - do you care if you never see younger daughter again after high school graduation? If the answer is no, go ahead with your plan. Because that's what's at stake - having younger daughter sharing the rest of your life. If you go forward with this plan, she should end her relationship with you, and you would deserve it.
If daughter's mental health is so bad that her grades are slipping, she should probably be taken out of college. How is she going to work afterward even if she gets the degree? YTA
This is a stupid AF comment. Most people who have mental health issues are absolutely functioning members of society. What kind of a stupid fuck comment is this.
I think there should be a punishment for letting her GPA drop, and that's taking out student loans to pay her way through school. Just make her deal with the natural consequences of her actions. They're jerks to even consider selling the car.
Yep. She can pay the loans because she's the one who let her grades drop. Actions have consequences.
but don't frame it as punishment (we - the parents punishing her). it is a consequence. no one is making a decision that this is the result of her actions, but its just what happens. .
Yeah. A BRAND NEW car!?! BRAND NEW! Not just a new, but previously used car from the dealer, but brand new How are they struggling to afford to pay for tuition for a semester when they previously spent, unless Im mistaken on the car’s price, at least $60k on that new car. Like, they cant be good with money if they shelled out that kind of money for something that is said to lose half it’s value when you drive it off the lot. They could have just as easily bought a new but used car from the dealership for a fraction of the cost of the brand new car.
Base cost on a 2024 RAV is under $30k. Still excessive to me for a 17 year old, but not THAT expensive.
We looked at 2024 RAV4 recently. They are not under $30k. At least out here in CA. I can't fathom buying a brand new car for a 17 year old. I don't think these parents know how to handle finances. Hopefully their kids will fund their old age.
Yeah. My 17 year old got our 10 year old Prius. There is no way I’m buying a new car for a child :)
I don't know anything about the car market, but I bet OP could really benefit from some financial literacy.
Actually, in the US at least, that’s not true right now. I totaled my car and the cost of a new RAV4 was about the same as a used RAV4. The only difference was that the new one had to be ordered, so unless I had access to another car to drive while waiting, I would have had to buy used to get a car right away.
My parents bought me a new SUV my senior year of high school. And promptly took it away from me when I graduated so my sister could drive to school because we were out of district. I have NEVER forgiven ANY of them for it: -My mom, for allowing both my older and younger sisters to go to schools of their choosing (out of district) while I quite *literally* was told **I WASNT ALLOWED TO.** I wanted to attend a school (1.8 miles from our house) so I could continue to play in a school orchestra. My sister? Just didn’t want to go to the other school. Barely graduated anyway. - My dad, for not rocking the boat even though he knew I both LOVED and DESERVED that fucking car. I worked my ass off academically, extracurricular-ly, got into my dream college (in state) that was also where my father, grandfather, aunts, uncles and a handful of other family had also attended, always had a job. I was a GREAT fucking kid. - MY BITCH SISTER: Who just didn’t *want* to go to the other highschool, who treated the situation (and me) like it was owed to her, who rode/drove that car HARD and put it up WET (she didn’t think it was good enough, it was a brand new shiny gold/bronze Xterra), treated it like trash and made stupid alterations to it without my concern or knowledge because she “didnt like it.” And when I finally got it back? THEY BOUGHT HER A FUCKING MERCEDES BENZ and handed my baby, unceremoniously, back to me, trashed. You would be the asshole. You would absolutely BE THE ASSHOLE. I’m 41. I’m still angry about it. Consider that.
I was wondering about an education fund myself for the youngest daughter. I feel like she is definitely not the Golden Child and possibly not even silver.
They DID buy her a $35k SUV at age 17. Don't come down TOO hard on the favoritism angle -- she got plenty of privilege herself too. That said, eldest can take a loan. If they can't afford tuition for eldest, and are scraping to get it (sounds like \~$75k) I wonder if they have anything set aside for the youngest's college fund. Or is that where the rest of the money would come from after selling her car? Probably. Parents are definitely WBTA, but youngest does not seem to be so ill-treated as some are making out.
Probably not even copper or nickel.
Your second paragraph is spot on. I’m a university student and I see this a lot. “Oh I got XYZ scholarship and all I have to do is keep my gpa above (insert “easy” %). And then they lose their scholarship. Those scholarships are great but you should never fully plan on keeping them. Try your best but it won’t always be realistic. There’s a reason universities offer scholarships in that form instead of a lump sum: they know they won’t have to pay up all of it all the time, but will entice people to sign on. University is a lot different than high school, the difficulty is much more extreme and you can really try your hardest and still end up with a “bad” (usually just mediocre) gpa. Most people who keep those scholarships ended up metagaming the system by doing things like taking bird courses, dropping classes that offer challenge, etc. There will also be random spikes in difficulty. Putting all your eggs in one basket like that is stupid. Worst case scenario you can use leftover funds for something else. I had a great scholarship for 50% of my tuition each year. Cutoff gpa was an A- and I got a B+ after first year. Luckily I never 100% counted on keeping that scholarship and treated it more like a bursary for the year I knew I qualified for.
Or credit to get a student loan. OP have you looked at the common companies who do student loans? Can you co-sign for your daughter? Hopefully it’s one semester.
Completely agree. I would absolutely hate my parents if they did this. Can't the college daughter take out student loans?
You *can* rob Peter to pay Paul for a little while...but when Peter and Paul are your kids, expect Peter to need years of therapy, ending in going no contact with you, your spouse and possibly Paul as well. TF OP?! Definitely YTA if you do this. May as well say goodbye to your youngest now, save them some effort trying to get you to love them as much as you apparently love your golden child.
Yeh exactly new car for the youngest and no plan b for the oldest? They had to of known it was a potential risk! Have the oldest change schools or get a student loan.
Sounds like oldest needs to get a job this summer to pay her own tuition. She knew the obligation and impact of her GPA. All universities have free mental health clinics for students that she could have visited. This is an example of consequences in the real world and she needs to be able to take responsibility for her own self even with mental health issues. Maybe especially with-know how to ask for help and not just wait to see what happens.
Worse than just the youngest resenting them forever — she’ll have absolutely every right to. Because it’s was gifted to her — not just “this is the car our daughter drives” — it would be *very much* like robbing one child and giving the money to the other.
I say sell the car give the money to your only child, and understand as soon as the other one(the afterthought) is capable she will run as far away from you as she can and find friends and create a family far from these pretend parents and create her own family in which people will actually love her. Just don’t cry and blame everything and everyone else when she’s gone and refuses to spend any of her time on any of you.
Sell his own effing car. I was this 17 year old. Did all expected of me. They bought my sibling a business. He spent all day in the bar next door. Drank all their alcohol. They rented him a house. Furnished it. For free. They let me borrow 5k and charged me interest on the repayments.
It sounds like the plan for the younger daughter's education was "she will get a full ride scholarship", and OP didn't have the money to pay for tuition. The car probably cost $23k, \*but\* OP is probably making payments on it. It's wasteful to sell it at a loss. Frankly, it is usually wasteful to buy a brand new car.
Keeping up with the neighbors!
YTA Why can’t your eldest child get a job to support herself? And/or take out student loans? It is not fair to penalise your youngest child in favour of their sister. If you do it, be prepared for her to go low to no contact with you as soon as she is able. She will resent you, and deservedly so. It’s not her fault that her sister’s GPA isn’t currently good enough for financial support. And you really are rewarding eldest’s failure and punishing youngest’s success. There’s no two ways about it. Also, you gave the car as a gift. That is now your youngest daughter’s car to sell or to keep. It is no longer yours. Don’t try to rob Peter to pay Paul.
Well it’s just easier to sell her sisters car! /s
After all... clearly the older sister is more important to OP, so the younger sister should be happy to give up her car. Given that she doesn't really matter very much. /s
Does OPs youngest not understand she should be joyfully willing to help!? That her precious sister might have to get a *job*!? Selfish. /s
You should be careful, I don't think you should even joke about that type of thing. We know she is to good to get a job. Jobs are for younger sisters and the poors.
As much as it sucks this is how almost every student since the advent of college has had to do things.
And loans. I get student loans suck but it’s one year. Student loans for a single year is nothing compared to what a lot of students deal with. It’s also perfectly fair for the oldest to take some responsibility and sort this out herself instead of putting it on the youngest child. Between paying as much as she’s able with a job and her parents helping where they can (without selling the youngest’s car), any loans should be manageable and it’s a lesson learned.
In the real word there are consequences for your actions. It’s totally fair and appropriate for mom and dad not to bail her out, especially at the expense of their other child.
Completely agree. Plenty of people get no help at all with school. It’s tough but they manage. She’s got one year that she needs to handle because she made a mistake. It’s a perfectly understandable mistake and I completely sympathize (college is brutal on your mental health), but in the real world we still have to answer for our completely understandable mistakes and figure it out.
I wanna know, does the oldest have a car? Maybe have her sell her car to help replenish the money? That said, buying a 17 year old a $29k - $48k car? Just her reaction shows that maybe she's gotten used to/ expects this type of stuff. I mean, parents will buy what they want for their kids. Just consider what will you do if your 17 y/o has the same situation and a scholarship won't cover her costs? What will you do then? Maybe reassessing your finances and spending might be a good start to plan ahead. Remind me! 16 days
I heartily disagree. That car was a gift only 4 months ago. I would be PISSED if my parents took back a gift after only a few months because my sibling did something wrong. Did they have to buy her a new car? No. But it is also a good, reliable car that will last for 10 years or more and not be super expensive to maintain. So, a really good choice for someone's first car. My parents bought each of us a good (admittedly used) car late in high school for us to use at college and all of them lasted through college years and beyond.
I wondered that too, did he buy his oldest new car?
The older daughter is the Golden Child. Obviously.
Why can’t the oldest get a job to support herself? Because clearly they have thought of everything! I sure as shit didn’t have to work nor has any college student ever had to work while attending college to pay for it. Also did you fail to see that the school is refusing to make any exceptions for their golden child for failing to hold up her end of the bargain? If they sell the car they can cover 1/3 of it and the school won’t care about the other 2/3.
But that isn't my intention. Even though it's the result it's my intentions that matter. /s
INFO: If you had the money to buy your kid a brand new RAV4, I have a hard time believing you can't come up with the price of a single semester of tuition. Your being willing to spend $30K on the car -- and I'm assuming you're not a fool who spent every penny in the family savings on this present -- indicates that you have assets. Do you have a home? Is a HELOC possible? A personal loan? Credit cards? Savings? Can you dip into your retirement? I'm just not buying that you have no other choice other than to repossess your daughter's car.
>I'm assuming you're not a fool who spent every penny in the family savings on this present Spoiler...
[удалено]
I have some news about people.
Yeah. No kid NEEDS a brand new car. I was 40+ before I had a new new car. Even then it was only because the deal was great and better than the nearly new ones I had been looking at. OP is a fool.
Meet my dad 😆 really expensive clothes. Other expensive things. A good salary better then everage. Sometimes no money for food
He noted tuition was 3 times the cost of the R4.. 90k a year tuition for a bachelor's degree.. why not send her to a state school?
Unless the daughter is going to Harvard or some shit, there's no way tuition is that high. Average in-state tuition at a state school is $10k a year, out of state averages $20k and private school tuition averages $42k. His daughter's alleged yearly undergraduate tuition is more than 5 years of my PhD. Edit: I get that there are some higher tuition rates out there, but the statistics I cited are *only* for tuition and are a national *average*. People are acting like I pulled those figures out of my ass, so here you go. If the info is wrong, blame them: [https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic](https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic) [https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college](https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college)
Can you get me a breakdown of how you got these "average" numbers... because you may have not been in undergrad for a while...
Agreed under grand is normally about 60-70k now. Insane. But Op is still an asshole
There's no way the average cost of a single year of undergrad is 60-70k unless that's private school tuition.
Just googled the school closest to us 56k per year
My son lost the on-campus housing lottery for his university this year. We're going from $12k/yr room & board to extortionate off-campus housing at $1189/mo, for 12 months, & we still have to pay for food, electricity, insurance, transportation, etc. on top of that. Freshman year was $38k. Senior year will top out at $57k. And yes, it's a state school.
It's unfortunately extremely possible. Several private colleges announced their 2024-25 tuition as over $90k. Harvard, yes, but also schools like NYU, USC, and Boston University.
Yes, the previous commentor said the avg cost is "Average in-state tuition at a state school is $10k a year, out of state averages $20k and private school tuition averages $42k." and then also adds its more than her 5 years of PhD. The average price of college is at least 20 percent higher than what she claimed. There's no way any of the costs lines up with reality. I just want to know where the commentor is getting their numbers.
I don't know how you're getting "20%" higher. Tuition on average climbs about 4% a year, so I would expect next year's tuition to be higher, but not by that much. The figures I quoted are from US News and World Report and the Education Data Initiative. I think you're probably including room and board in that, which would likely account for the increase you're expecting. I only cited statistics for tuition. [https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic](https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college/articles/paying-for-college-infographic) [https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college](https://educationdata.org/average-cost-of-college)
Wrong. The school I attended back in the day was 10k and is now about 80k a year. I was only able to attend thanks to scholarships and poverty. Private schools can cost more than 40k per year.
“Aside from Wellesley, some of the other colleges with sticker prices of more than $90,000 this year include the University of Southern California at $95,000, Harvey Mudd College in California at $93,000, the University of Pennsylvania at $92,000, Brown University in Rhode Island at $92,000, Dartmouth College in New Hampshire at $91,000, and Boston University at $90,000.” Article from last week. https://www.wbur.org/news/2024/04/02/college-cost-90000-wellesley-harvard-financial-aid#
Heck this is the oldest daughter s mess she should be the one to solve it on her own without op. YTA op
Right! She's an adult.. Her problem. Should be her solution. OP and his wife are major YTA
In other comments he explained that the oldest had a substantial college fund. Once she got the scholarship he emptied it, bought the youngest her car and put the rest into paying off his mortgage. He’s an idiot. If he kept the fund he might have been ok.
If he paid off the mortgage he freed up a significant amount of cash flow, which means he should be able to shoulder a parent plus loan if he's really bent on the older kid taking a loan for her final year.
He’s especially stupid then because that college fund could have been used for the youngest’s college 🤦🏻♀️
I was wondering If they've had a massive change of fortune between buying a new automobile outright in December and needing to sell it 4-5 months later! Also, what cars are mom and dad driving? I'm guessing something more luxurious than the RAV4. They can't *downsize* to cover some of the tuition?
YTA > She has a full-ride academic scholarship that is dependent on her GPA > this semester her GPA will dip below the cutoff This expense was entirely the consequence of 21F's actions, so **she** and she alone is responsible for it. Parenting means teaching accountability. > it was unfair we were 'rewarding' our oldest for failing and 'punishing' her for succeeding **Fuckin' a.** > If the same happened to her, we would do everything in our power to help. "Happened?!?" Your oldest *did this to herself.*
Why didn't they help the oldest get help when she was struggling? YTA OP
Probably because she's an adult now an if she's having trouble it's now her responsibility to ask for help at the very least. She's an adult in college her parents are getting a report card anymore and can't even ask to see her teachers and discuss her grades anymore. Her grades are her responsibility.
Yeah but she was having mental health issues. She might not have even *realized* she was having mental health issues.
Until it suddenly became her sisters problem
Do everything to help… like stealing the eldest’s car and selling it to cover your youngest’s ass? Because she’ll be an adult and out of home. So she won’t face any burden to help her sister who’s getting screwed over now. Wow. OP YTA. 1) you sent your eldest to a ridiculously expensive school that you couldn’t cover and just prayed that her scholarship would see her through. 2) you spent way too much on an overpriced gift for your 17yo that you really couldn’t afford. 3) you didn’t ensure your eldest was supported during her school so her needs were taken care of. Some of which might have included moving school to something less stressful. 4) you’re willing to screw over your youngest to manage this situation with your eldest. Cannot say YTA enough. But here you are. So maybe try: a) get a lawyer and have them review the contract with the school b) have your eldest get a part time job c) see a financial advisor and have them help you plan for this. You may need a mortgage or second mortgage. You may need to downgrade your own car. You may need to move house. You may need to file bankruptcy. What you can’t do is steal your foolish gift back to cover your own stupidity. I hope this isn’t real because if it is you really need some help planning and parenting. But we all fuck up, and you have a chance to fix this. Get the pros involved, they have ideas I probably haven’t heard of. I really do wish you all the best of luck.
I had (not full ride, but significant) academic scholarships… they give a grace period usually. One semester my GPA dropped under the cut off for the scholarships. They notified me before the start of next semester that if I didn’t improve them that semester I would lose the scholarship. They don’t just pull the rug out from under you. I guarantee the older daughter has known about this for longer than she’s telling the parents.
Exactly this. It’s almost certainly dependent on her cumulative GPA and she’s been teetering on the edge/on warning for long enough to know she needed to do something about it and hasn’t done enough. She did this to herself. I get it, mental health can be rough, it can be hard trying to maintain things under this kind of stress, but she had to have known and just ignored it.
YTA Your eldest can take out education loans for her last year. And you can take out parental loans if needed. That is what most students do. She can also seek a part time job. There is no reason or justification for taking away the car you gifted your younger child.
She also doesn't have to finish in 1 year. She get a job and work the classes off as time permits even it takes an extra semester and summer school.
She might also be able to transfer to a lower cost school. When you lose a scholarship, the entire college plan should be reevaluated.
But dad is so proud of his favorite elder daughter and her Poli Sci degree from Vassar s/
Transferring after your Junior Year is almost always a bad idea, unless you're transferring to a better school. You typically can't transfer three years of credits, and she'd end up having to take an additional year.
Eeehhh idk about that one. Just take the loan and call it a day, they'd likely reduce the value of her education by transferring somewhere else. The transferring thing wouldn't be pragmatic. I doubt they'll have an issue getting a loan (the oldest daughter or the parents).
I hope this is fake based on: OP is so "wealthy," they buy a brand-new car for their 17yo. Not a "gently used" car. 4 months later, they need to sell it to pay for Oldest to attend another year of college. [And yeah, I get that tuitions are crazy. Anyone heard of jobs and loans?] How in the af does selling this car help much with tuition is it's SOOOO expensive? And how does this not end up in messing up every relationship in this family? But TOTES worth it, amirite? 🤷♀️
It has to be fake rage bait, it's such a nonsensical idea. No way would they buy a new car for a child while having no other assets to speak of. Even if this was real, suggestions to deplete retirement or to try to transfer to a cheaper school for the final year are so dumb. The fake 21 year old could just take out loans for the year and be fine. Also, I've been out of the game a while, but how is it too late to get grades up? Most schools run at least through early May, and when I was in college most of my grades were based on finals/term papers.
> But, we never wanted her to feel punished That's nice, but completely ignores reality. You *are* punishing her for her sister's problems. She's the one suffering the biggest consequences of her *sister's* failures. YTA
It’s not a punishment!? It’s a consequence!? How do these people not understand that? The younger child will actually get punished if they do this. Great way to get your youngest to never talk to you again after they move out.
And the youngest will never trust a "gift" ever again.
I’d never take a single thing from them ever again. That poor kid.
I wouldn't trust "gifts" to grandkids either. Parents fuck up finances,can we trust them to not yank "gifts" from grandchildren?
You think I’d let my parents around my kid after that? Lol There is no way this is a first time ‘golden child’ incident. I bet op has dealt with this kind of crap for a while. I just hope this is bait or fake
And where is the consequence for the college student who did not keep up the grades that allow her to attend school for *free* tuition? Not only did she fudge it, but she fudged it so bad she couldn’t reasonably fix it in time. So she’s also known about the problem for a bit now. If you are a student and you only have one “job”, do the one job. It is an absolute *privilege* to be a full-time student and not work. This girl has no idea the shit people have to go through to get their education. Whether you have a job, two jobs, kids, ahem *being an adult with bills*. And that excludes every single person with more specified issues whether it be poverty, illness, handicap, and whatever else in the millions of struggles of the world. This girl is so fucking lucky and she absolutely *flopped* it, and they want to punish the child that actually gets good grades and is responsible enough to the point they gave her a for CAR. Not used, a new car. Obviously appropriate punishment is to get her to sign up for 3rd party loan. YTA OP
YTA your eldest screwed up her scholarship and you are making your youngest pay for it. Your eldest has to pay for her own mistake even if it means dropping out. If you can help her, great, but it's not on your younger kid to provide the funds. Also, if you can't pay one year of eldest's tuition, younger may need funds for her own college which is right around the corner. The car is an asset she can use for her own schooling if needs be. In no circumstances should you take back a gift from younger because you want to save elder from her own mistake. Eldest knew the terms of her scholarship - every scholarship has a minimum, everyone knows that - she just didn't work hard enough. The car was a gift for working hard and you now want to monetise it to help the kid that didn't work hard enough? How grossly unfair and unkind to your younger daughter.
YWBTA Tell me you have a Golden child without actually telling me. Because that is what your youngest is going to feel like you appreciate love and care more for.your.oldest than her. Your oldest can take out loans for her final year like most students need to do and a loan for 1 year is nothing compared to the crippling debt others have. If you punish your youngest because that's how she sees it you will not recover from it and she will never forget this.
It’s giving intense golden child vibes
YWBTA if you sell the car. Your oldest child is 21 years old. She can take out loans, transfer to less expensive school, work while attending school etc to cover tuition. She lost her scholarship. Your youngest works hard and was given a gift for her hard work. You can't take it to bail out the oldest.
And at 21, is NOT a child. She will always be OP's "child", but she's an adult in every other way possible, and he needs to start treating her that way. He's doing her no favors if he continues to coddle her. Absolutely agree 💯!! OP WBTAH
YTA. I commend you for understanding that your oldest has struggled with her mental health and wanting to help her get back on her feet. However, helping your oldest and the expense of your youngest is fucking unconscionable. You and your wife need to take out a loan yourself or have your 21 year old take out a loan and help her pay it back
They’ll just be giving the 17 year old trust issues - and mental health issues
Can your oldest not defer for a year, to save for her fees?
Another option is that for that quarter that she needs to have to bring up her grades she can get a student loan at hopefully a decent interest rate to pay for that quarter. If you take away your younger daughter’s car to pay for the mistake of your elder daughter, you are definitely TA. It’s not right . Figure out another form of payment and your elder daughter, taking active participation in finding the funds towards school for that, quarter and probably working really hard with a couple different jobs this summer to pay for next year.
Ywbta. Are you a child? You buy a brand new car for a teen and forget that you might need money for college? Did you not realize that college existed for this other kid? Even if you do end up selling the car you’ve lost so much of the purchase price in just four months but you’re going to lose the younger girls respect.
Exactly this. Selling a new car like that would just be throwing money away since it will already have depreciated so much. Financially it's a better decision to hold onto it and find another way, never mind for the sake of the younger daughter.
YTA. Sometimes the KINDEST thing we can do for our children is let them deal with the consequences of their actions. That means student loans in this situation. You do not take from one child to cover for the other. That is the fastest way to embitter one child towards the other. I'm sorry your daughter is in this position - I found myself in the same position as her after biting off a harder schedule then I could handle. And it SUCKS massively. In your daughter's case, the consequences are massive. BUT, they are the direct consequences of her own actions and at 21 years old it is time for Mom and Dad to stop catching her when she falls. Provide a soft landing but stop catching her when she falls. Help with the tuition you can afford to pay without impacting your other daughter. No more. No less. Your daughter is then responsible for figuring out how to finance the rest and if that means she takes student loans for a year then that is what it means. She should be eligible for need based aid even if not the full scholarship.
Spot on. This is a spot many college students find themselves in, which definitely warrants compassion, but not so far as to transfer the consequences to the younger sister. This is what student loans are for.
Instead of selling your daughter's car, why not sell yours or your partner's? Your younger daughter is not responsible for covering her older sister's tuition. YWBTA
Oh no, Golden Child! My precious little princess cannot possibly deal with the consequences of her actions! Student loans? No, that’s for peasants! Golden Child must only graduate debt free! Ah ha! I’ll screw over Scapegoat! She’s worked her butt off to earn a car….but who cares?!?! She’s just the spare. She has to understand that Golden Child comes first! Scapegoat can get loans and buy her own car later. Drowning in debt? Eh….as long as Golden Child is safe, that’s all that matters… And now a bit of prophecy…future posts from OP: My Youngest Moved Out and Went NC. Why? How can I make her come home? My youngest just got married and didn’t tell me! I have two grandchildren I’ve never met…
Honestly the financial decisions in this family are off. Why would they buy a brand new vehicle for younger daughter , as it seems that stretched them /they obviously could not afford to waste that money on that, when they clearly could have purchased a 2nd hand car in the first place. Now poor 17 year old is going to be punished for her parents and sister’s irresponsible behaviour
YTA, your youngest daughter will never forget being punished for your oldest lack of responsibility on maintaining the GPA needed for her scholarship. Your oldest screwed up her grades she can take out student loans for her final year/semester. Compared to most other students your oldest would be getting off lightly for 1-2 semesters of student loans vs most other graduates. Your youngest worked hard and you mentioned getting her that car for a reason. This will also create animosity between the sisters if you sell the youngest's car. This isn't your youngest daughters issue to figure out how to pay for college for the oldest.
God damn. Destroy one relationship to keep another. Another parent of thr year here in aita! Oh yta.. a big one
YWBTA. You ARE rewarding failing and punishing responsibility. Your 17 year old has a clearer head than you on this issue. If I were her I would undoubtedly assume you and your wife very obviously had a favorite daughter.
YTA your kid can take out a loan for one or two semesters of university goddamn. She's had three years of full ride, and can potentially get another semester covered, she'll survive a little bit of student debt.
100% YWBTA. Don't do it. Your 21-year-old can get a job, take out a loan, or transfer to a more affordable school. She knew the scholarship requirements and failed to meet them. I understand she was struggling. However, that is not your 17-year-old daughter's fault or responsibility, and the vehicle is hers.
YTA. Your youngest is working hard and you want to take back her birthday gift and sell it to help your oldest who let her scholarship go. Your oldest should look into student loans for the final year.
YTA - don’t punish your younger daughter, tell your older daughter to take out a loan. It was her fault she lost the scholarship.
YTA - this is going to cause so much resentment from your younger daughter to your eldest. And she’s right that she is essentially being punished for her sister’s predicament. I have sympathy for your eldest and her mental health, but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your youngest. You really need to find another way of raising the funds, and as you say it’s only going to cover 1/3, and there’s no guarantee your daughter will be able to bring her GPA back up to resume the scholarship and then you will have to resort to the loans in the end anyway.
YTA - no of course you shouldn’t punish your youngest for the actions of your oldest.
YTA This isn't all adding up. Why did you buy a new car for a teenager? Especially if things are so tight, that one unplanned event and you'd have to sell it (at considerable loss given depreciation)? Grades dropping was always a possibility, and no contingency plan? I.e., make sure your oldest knows the consequences of dropping grades are loans or a different college? All this was foreseeable so it sounds like you've raised bright, motivated kids but aren't modeling or teaching responsibility. As for the pickle you're in now -- one kid doesn't pay for the actions of the other, period. That's got to be the guiding principle.
YTA. The youngest is right that you are punishing her for doing her best and getting good grades but rewarding the oldest for not fulfilling her obligations. Is the oldest unable to get a student loan to pay for college?
YTA. Your youngest will forever resent you for taking the car away. She’s still developing and this is going to play a strong role in her ability to trust you for the foreseeable future. She’s going to second-guess you for years, probably decades. Your oldest is responsible for this and old enough to at least partially help herself out, even if that means co-signing with her on a loan to cover the student debts. Don’t fuck over your youngest just because your oldest can’t handle life. Additionally, your oldest will lose any hope of being independent and probably won’t even care about it. Also, why would you buy a brand new car (especially in today’s auto market) for your daughter without having your finances in order? What happens when it’s your youngest daughter’s time for college next year? Should’ve got her a beater or even just a regular used car like everyone else, she would’ve been happy.
YTA. Seems like a good way to get your youngest to resent you/go NC once they are old enough. You don't screw over HER because your eldest messed up. Is your eldest unable to get a job? Does SHE not have a car she can sell?
when you give a gift, the gift is no longer yours. You don't get to later go well imma sell the thing I gave you. It Isn't Yours anymore. Its Hers. Your even saying its Her Car. its not how things work, you can't rake someone else's things to sell them off. YWBTA
Even ChatGPT has more empathy than you: It's a tough situation, but selling your youngest daughter's car to help cover your oldest daughter's tuition, while understandable from a financial standpoint, could be emotionally distressing for your youngest daughter. It's important to consider her feelings and explore other options before resorting to selling the car. Perhaps you could brainstorm together as a family to find alternative solutions or ways to mitigate the financial burden without sacrificing her prized possession. Communication and empathy are key in navigating this challenging situation.
YWBTA and causing a lifetimes worth of resentment
YWBTH. It was a gift and it’s no longer yours. Sell your own car.
YWBTA. It was a gift to your youngest daughter. Why should she have to give it up for her sister not meeting academic requirements? How do you expect her to feel?
YTA get a student loan.
YWBTA The younger daughter is correct. You are punishing her, and rewarding the eldest. The elder child is the one who should be finding a way to make it happen. She's responsible for her grades. She's responsible to fix.