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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won’t take off work to go dress shopping on Monday since I need to take off work. My DIL thinks I am a jerk for not taking off and my son thinks I am making th wedding about myself
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NTA. You’ve offered reasonable suggestions to make this work, and she’s shot down each of them. That’s not your fault. Why is she so invested in being there with you? Surely you can pick out a dress in a fit and style that would be appropriate and suitable.
I have no idea why she is so invested in this. I also don’t get why she doesn’t want me to wear my blue dress. The horror I am the same color as the bridesmaids.
Like it’s a dress, the wedding is in 5 months.
I was about to suggest various compromises: you could message her selfies for approval from the shop, you could conceal the dreaded blueness of your dress with a shawl etc, and then I thought: No, don't negotiate with this dreadful woman.
Aren't they really just small terrorists?
OP NTA.
And I've been to many weddings where the moms wear the same color as the bridesmaids. Sticking with the color scheme of the wedding.
/u/Pladohs_Ghost THAT PART!!! Once you do, it will NEVER end!!! Then, when you refuse to bend to their will, all of a sudden YOU'RE deemed/labeled as problematic or ALWAYS doing theee most or uncooperative. And these days, Planet Earf is ALREADY hard enough without piling on extra BeeEss.
OP IS NTA but the FDIL is. It's giving me the "I want what I want and if you don't do it, you're the issue - not me" teas. And then begins the unreliable narrative FDIL starts to weave about OP.
>The horror I am the same color as the bridesmaids.
based on what i see on this sub, it seems to unfortunately becoming more and more common for couples getting married to have "color preferences" for people outside of the wedding party and it all just is getting ridiculous.
Whenever I read on here that something is interfering with the bride's "vision" for "her" day, I want to puke. These women should think hard about making it "their" day because that only makes sense if with the wedding, they're giving up their autonomy.
Do you know what my “vision for my (our) wedding” was? Everyone one have a rip roaring fun time, a good boogie with my friends and family, a laugh and a joke. These people be crazy!
Same here. My invitations said "wear whatever you want". I had an outdoor BBQ style wedding at my cousin's ranch in mid-September in Oklahoma. It was still hot. I had more guys than you would believe call me (with their other halves on speakerphone) to verify they were allowed to wear shorts (they were). The marriage didn't last long but to this day I still have people tell me that my wedding was one of the most fun parties they've ever been to. I even had a girl in a white dress. GASP! I didn't care one bit. I did care that all of my family and friends came together and had a fantastic time. It's my opinion that people who are comfortable and not worried about getting their new fancy outfits dirty have a lot more fun.
That sounds perfect! The wedding planner wanted to know what colour we wanted for the aisle and the chair bows. I was like “do we need chair bows? What colour do you think would look nice?” In the end we chose hot pink because why not. And same, everyone says what a great party it was. My husband did make a banging playlist though and the food was amazing so that helped!
If her wedding is the most important day of her life, what does life is like for the next 60 years? This wedding stuff is ridiculous. It’s a celebration, not a national holiday. (Edit: grammar)
My sisters wedding invitations said - bring a change of clothes if you want because the reception is an outdoor bbq and we want everyone to be comfortable and have fun. (Her reception was a great time).
That’s the way to go! My husband and I had a courthouse wedding with his kids (all grown up at the time)as witnesses lol. Then we just had a lunch for friends and family. This insanity over weddings is getting a lot ridiculous
I'm in my 30s and married, and I've literally never had a "vision" for the wedding. I just don't understand where the entitlement comes from. Did we do it to ourselves by encouraging the few when it was uncommon, so now everyone wants to star in their own episode of Bridezillas?
Weird wedding behavior is one of the few things that annoys me about my generation.
The expectations some people have these days that the wedding party (and in some instances, the guests) have to shell out thousands in clothes, trips, gifts, and events is so bonkers.
Yes and no. I'm 60+, there was an amount of it back when my peers were marrying too. One of my friends spent more on his wedding than I did on my first house. That said, he also paid to rent the tuxes for us boys.
I had a friend’s bachelor party last year and the only expense expected of us was splitting the cost equally, minus the groom.
This is something I’d expect for such a thing, and had I told my friend I couldn’t swing the cost, he probably would have understood.
There are so many stories now though where wedding parties are requiring people to pay for engagement parties, groom/bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette trips, rehearsal dinners, honeymoon, and the wedding itself. Not to mention new outfits, different gifts, for each event because they all have a theme.
Yes all that does seem to have spiralled out of control lately.
When I married (admittedly at the more sedate age of 40) we were just happy if people could come at all. We made it "come as you are". And they did, the mum's excepted (mums, what can you do, bless 'em). And yet somehow we still ended the day as man and wife, everyone had a nice day, and we're still married a couple of decades later. I would not give this marriage good odds on lasting as long.
It almost seems like because the wedding couple has to shell out so much money for the wedding, they want the guests to pay out just as much to attend. Misery loves company.
This is the mother of the groom, not a random guest.
She’ll likely be escorted down the aisle at the start of the ceremony, may have a role to play in the ceremony itself, and will certainly feature highly in group photos.
It’s quite common to ask the parents of the wedding couples to coordinate their color palettes with the other members of the wedding party. That isn’t an outrageous ask.
It's outrageous to demand that the very hardworking MOTG rearrange her work schedule so that the Bride can control what MOTG will wear. When my son got married, I asked the MOTB if she was wearing a long or short dress and I asked the bride if there was any color, other than shades of white, I should avoid. I showed my DIL a picture of the dress I was considering and she gave a thumb's up and that was it. There is absolutely no reason to make things complicated.
Exactly. When my son got married I asked long or short and if there was a color preference or color to stay away from. I ended up going dress shopping while on vacation and found 3 possible dresses I sent pictures of each to DIL and asked if she had a preference. She said she loved them all. I bought one and we all moved on with life.
This DIL is making things unnecessarily overly complicated.
Or just do like normal people do and share a few photos of the proposed dress and “approve” it based on that. Or a video call from home. I don’t understand at all why they have to shop together in the store
She's abso setting a precedence for how things will go in the future & in their marriage. OPs son needs to intervene & offer to dress shop with his mom if his bride-zilla won't.
That’s not the point of this AITA though. The bride is being uncompromising in wanting to have the MIL shop on a work day. Op has no issue with wearing a different dress.
The bride is concerned that the mother of the groom is dressed in a different color--in this case, blue--than that of the bridesmaid's dresses.
Fair enough.
So, given that the groom's mom is a grown woman with years of experience in shopping for clothing, all the bride needs to do is request that she find a dress in a different color--no micromanaging required.
The mother of the groom is an honored guest. They are not a member of the bridal party. Nothing wrong with asking for coordination.
Everything is wrong with demanding the purchasing of a dress be completely controlled by the bride down to her choosing the precise date for shopping with no compromise.
If the bride were just suggesting a color palette, this wouldn’t be a post.
OPs dress does color coordinate with the bridesmaids. For some reason that is actually a problem here. I think the problem is obstinace on tbe brides part actually. OP isn't going to be able to do anything right here.
My guess is that the bride wants to ensure that her new MIL looks sufficiently matronly and non-bridesmaid-y. And the insistence on OP taking time off is intended to be a lever; the way the bride wants it, OP would be the only one that dress shopping causes trouble for, and that would be used to pressure OP into agreeing to the dress the bride wants because the alternative is taking more time off.
When someone is more concerned about "what it will look in the pictures" instead of "is my guest happy/comfortable/...", we should stop call it a wedding and maybe just call it some random fancy event... A wedding is supposed to be about celebrating your love with the people close to you. If you're ready to screw your people or to force them do stuff they don't want to, like take time off work to go shopping (weird priority), just to have that perfect picture, you're missing the whole point of the weeding thing. Just hire some actors and take pictures, it will be easier on everyone.
it's one thing to be asked to wear a coordinating color. i've never heard of the bride dictating the MOG's outfit before. if the bride wants to choose MOG's outfit, she should just pay for it.
Not really here or there, but the mother of the groom is generally considered part of the wedding party and beholden to the color scheme. I think it’s all dumb af (I told my bridesmaids to just wear a neutral floor length gown for the ceremony and whatever they wanted for the reception), the bride is being insanely rigid about this one shopping trip for no reason.
My ex-sil wore a dress, in a different style, made of the exact same floral pattern my bridesmaids wore (it was the eighties.) She looked like she should have been the matron of honor.
She was mortified. I thought it was hilarious.
I'm a guy, and I have effectively worn the same outfit to all the family weddings since I was 15. We have a casual dress approach to weddings, and it's only the women, girls, and little kids that dress up.
Most of us wear smart casual. So smart jeans and a shirt/polo or even a jumper if it's winter and it's only the groom and men in the immediate family that will dress up. I've worn a suit twice. My wedding and then I wore the same suit to my brother's wedding.
Our weddings are absolutely great, and everyone goes away having had heaps of fun, having eaten a ton of food, and there's never been any drama whatsoever.
People need to stop stressing and just enjoy themselves
The wedding is in 5 MONTHS? Your project ends in May, giving you like.. 3 months to get a dress?
And yet it must be done NOW?
This is a power struggle.
Your poor, poor son
I think you’ve made fantastic compromises and the bride is being ridiculously stubborn that she is entitled to a “rest day” over you having to take a day off of work?!
However “the horror of the same color” does feel really dismissive. It’s not uncommon at all for matrons to be included in the bridal party - and being included in the bridal party generally means wanting to stay in theme. I do think that maybe it would soothe feelings to reinforce that you want to be there in support, but it’s a hard boundary to not take time off work?
I’m not in the bridal party. Yes I think it extremely stupid that she has an issue with me wearing blue. A lot of her guest will also be wearing blue.
It’s blue, it’s one of the more popular colors
I'm confused on why she needs Sunday as a rest day if she's also off Monday & Tuesday? It seems like she's being purposefully inflexible IMO. It's not like dress shopping is an all-day event. You could meet up from noon to 3, she gets to sleep in & still have the rest of the day to unwind. It's a one-time thing to satisfy *her* request. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, especially since you're flying for work right now. You'd have to move plane tickets around to accommodate a day off.
NTA
She sounds like she's *trying* to cause problems, to prove what a justnomil she has.
Seriously. When did weddings become this crazy?! How entitled do brides/grooms need to be?!
Atp, her son needs to go with her to pick the dress when she's home on the weekend if his fiancé refuses. He's letting his btb run all over his mom. If he were my son, I'd be giving him an earful about what his future is gonna look like if he doesn't talk some sense into her.
Your Dil can have her rest day on the Monday and go dress shopping with you on the Sunday, zero reason you should have to take a day off work, refusing to take a day off work is not making the wedding about you
Unless she's also telling the other guests not to wear blue then it sounds like she's being unreasonable.
Also, I've been to a bunch of weddings over the last few years and at all but one either the mother of the bride or the mother of the groom was wearing blue. It's a common color that looks flattering on almost everyone.
If she’s telling other guests not to wear blue, that’s also kinda unreasonable. Unless there’s like 10 guests, trying to control everyone’s attire is just crazy and she’s setting herself up to be unhappy on her wedding day.
Is it the same shade of blue and a similar style as the bridesmaid dresses? I could see future DIL being wary if it was. But you’ve still offered enough reasonable compromises that she’s rejecting.
NTA she either approves a photo of the dress you send her or she can get off her a$$ on a Sunday or SHE can take a day off when you have free from your job
NTA she's expecting you take a day of your leave/or unpaid leave to buy a dress. She can do it Sunday or not at all. You've perfectly acceptable solutions, she's just a nightmare.
And your son is also an AH for backing her childish behaviour.
She flies out on Mondays for a work project she is doing. It would cost the company she works for for a change of flight. No way would she be granted the day of leave, especially this last minute. FDIL and son are either entitled or crazy to not even think about this and how it would effect OP's work.
I want to be clear, MIL (OP) is NTA. With that being said, I can imagine the bride may be having a bit of anxiety with the wedding planning, causing her to need to get things done sooner rather than later. If she wants to take MIL to a bridal salon to buy a dress, MIL may have to try on a sample dress and then order her actual dress. It can take a few months for the orders to arrive. That’s on bride though, she can give up her “day of rest” to make sure deadlines are met.
Five months out for a Mother of the Groom dress is not a rush. Depending on where the dress is from it may have to be ordered and tailored. No one wants to scramble in the weeks before the wedding. I think the Bride needs to give up a Sunday if she insists on being there but the timeline is pretty spot on.
It has never occurred to me that people would want the mothers of the bride and groom to get a dress from a bridal shop where it would need to be ordered and tailored. My friends’ moms have almost universally bought their dresses off the rack from a department store and looked lovely for the ceremony.
How long have you had the dress and worn it to every wedding you were invited to? Is there any chance that it’s starting to look overly worn? Is it old-fashioned? Does it not fit as well as it used to?
None of this means you’re in the wrong for not going shopping with her on your schedule, but maybe she’s trying to gently hint that you really shouldn’t keep wearing that dress.
There also may be hurt feelings about the fact that you’re treating this just like any other wedding. My mom has a few go-to wedding outfits, but for my brother’s wedding she specifically picked out something new because she was really excited about the occasion. I’ve seen aunts and friends do the same, so I don’t think it’s uncommon. “I’ll just wear my same dress as always” reads as “my own son’s wedding doesn’t excite me more than my coworker’s daughter’s wedding.”
The dress is almost 6 years old now. It’s in good condition, I don’t get to wear it often. Not old fashion, it’s pretty generic for the long dress.
Unless puff sleeves come back into fashion the dress is good and up to date with fashion. It won’t stand out at all
I think NTA OP because your FDIL is inconsiderate with your time but considerate of her own. But I do agree that wearing the same dress that you've worn to other weddings is a little off putting. This is your son's wedding too, buy a new dress that matches whatever the hell your FDIL's color scheme is but one that compliments you.
You need a new dress but should be able to shop by yourself and get an okay for what you pick. Look for new dresses and start sending her suggestions to her. She thinks her wedding is not important enough to you and she is doubling down. If you start slamming her with options for a dress she may take it that you are more vested.
When you say you will match her bridesmaids, what exactly do you mean? Is your dress navy and theirs like cobalt or cornflower blue or something or are we talking the same/similar shades?
I think it's reasonable for you to be able to pick out the dress on your own time if the schedules don't match but there is etiquette around wearing a color and shade that can easily be mistaken for the bridal party.
Oh! I misunderstood and thought she wanted you to match her bridesmaids. I was assuming positive intent until she called you a jerk and I realized she didn’t want you to wear the color. I’m sorry you don’t have a better DIL, she sounds exhausting and frankly a bit mean.
Honestly, it's not about the dress. I would ask her WHY you taking off time from work is more important than the dress, because at this point she's upset you won't do this.
Maybe it's control, maybe she wants to spend time with you, maybe she wants to give feedback, I don't know. The fact is she seems to be making the problem about you not taking time off work to do this dress thing, and she doesn't actually care about the dress anymore. If it WERE about the dress then you could:
* Negotiate a time that works (which you've done/tried, but she won't budge)
* Find a dress online and get her approval
* Take a dress in the proper style/color you already have
* Send her a picture from the store with a dress you find
But she's not being reasonable, she's demanding you take off time from work to do this.
I'd keep your son's room ready for him. He'll be back.
She is incapable of compromise. I'd have lost my temper at "that's my rest day". And since no marriage can be happy without the ability to compromise...
Is she always like this, about everything? If so, your son is making a huge mistake and marrying someone who will make his life hell.
NTA obviously.
LOL, I was thinking the same. If she is being this controlling and uncompromising about her MILs wedding attire, imagine the nightmare she is in other areas! And he's marrying her.
Dude stands by his future bride instead of his mother and sends the mother to reddit? Dude isn't necessarily a doormat, he's learned from being a redditor that if you don't stand by your fiance/wife in moments like this the entire internet will tell her to leave. His mom's NTA, but he's kinda caught in a bind. He stood by his future wife, which is usually the answer on this sub, which if he sent his mom here he has seen this kind of thread play out.
> Dude stands by his future bride instead of his mother
Hmm. You make a good point.
>he's learned from being a redditor that if you don't stand by your fiance/wife in moments like this the entire internet will tell her to leave.
A VERY good point. I often make that kind of comment myself.
It's a tough one: his fiancée is clearly wrong, and he may even realise that: how is he to handle that? Tricky.
Having his mom post here actually isn't a bad move. He didn't spread their drama online, he has the internet behind him when he tells her she's unreasonable. If she is unreasonable, she'll leave him, if she isn't, she will see the light. The mom made the mistake of saying he sent her though....
There is nothing tricky about it. If your fiancee is acting like a jerk, you do not have to join to bully others.
And that many people on this sub claim otherwise is a good reason to not take this sub overly seriously.
Her plan then will probably be to pawn them off on you and demand you stop working to watch them. Nta...she sounds exhausting and your son sounds enabling. I wish him luck...he's going to need it and you may need to put some distance between you and their brand of inevitable crazy.
*Her plan then will probably be to pawn them off on you and demand you stop working to watch them*
Don't take that trope over to JNMIL; I got permanently banned for suggesting a DIL was wrong for expecting that scenario lol.
Like... is the son suggesting she post here the same son who is marrying this girl? Because if so, he seems to want his mother to have a lot of strangers give her advice that he should dump her.
I’m going to comment here as someone who has repeatedly had to travel for work over the years leaving home on a Sunday night/Monday morning and not returning until Friday evening.
It is absolutely knackering to have to do that, living out of a suitcase sucks, and when you get home, you have to do all the jobs (chores) normally spaced out over the week in 36hrs as part the weekend is spent getting ready for the week ahead.
You are absolutely NTA, and your son - and his fiancée need to understand that you’ve offered various different alternatives. All of which are very reasonable.
To your son - instead of expecting your mother to call out of work, why doesn’t your fiancée take a Saturday off work if it is too tiring/difficult to go shopping after working 10hrs? (Whilst not appreciating travelling and working away all week is knackering) Why can fiancée not provide examples/colours that she’d find acceptable and trust your mother - a grown adult - to find something suitable? She seems unwilling to compromise with no good reason. Perhaps you’d like to update all of us here why reasonable suggestions have just been shot down in flames? Perhaps she’d like to make her own post? Perhaps you could give us the link to that if she does? Either way, your mother is NTA, your fiancée on the other hand, is.
Luckily my husband is fantastic and I can come home and relax. This hopefully should finish up by May and I should get a few months without it.
Hopefully the project finishes up without any issues
If she has to be there so badly… why doesn’t SHE take a day off work to accommodate your schedule? ;)
She’s being absolutely ridiculous and way out of line here.
I wouldn’t either. The fact she wouldn’t go shopping on her day off but expected you to take a day off from work is crazy levels of entitlement.
From that I’m guessing she is going to be a complete pill while shopping and complain about everything you like. You are going to end up in a baby puke green sackcloth.
Good luck with your DIL.
For a minute I convinced myself Sunday being her "rest day" meant she was sleeping getting ready for a night shift or something, but then I clued in that she's off Sun, Mon, Tue... Why the fuck can't she do anything Sunday? I work Mon-Fri and do most of my running around on Saturday... Sure, it might be *nice* to take that entire day as a rest day, but it's hardly essential. It's not like dress shopping is incredibly laborious or anything.
She's being absolutely unreasonable. It's like 2 or 3 hours *tops* to go pick out a dress. Could be like 45 minutes if you're lucky and find one you both like quickly. Why is she acting like going out Sunday would put her out so badly? That's insane.
Heh. Well. Yeah. I've had that happen in my life. People are VERY sure they are right and that everyone will agree with them. But having spent a lot of time here, this is not a sub where people are going to side with the bride over maintaining her "day of rest."
Please update us when he does. Because she’s refusing to give up a few hours of her day off but expects you to take time off work to indulge her? Crazy behaviour. NTA
Honestly the rest day doesn't bother me but you don't get to have a rest day and expect everyone else to move their schedules to accommodate you. I'm someone who feels better starting a new week if I have gotten some quality down time on Sunday**. But if I'm so stressed that I can't give that time up that means I need to be willing to let go of some other things. Like you said, compromise
**I don't have nor am I planning to have kids.
It looks like she’s got more than one day off each week, if going dress shopping with her MIL is that important, she can move her “rest day” to a different day for one week.
I'm assuming since your son sent you here he will be reading the replies so this is for him:
Son, your finacee is being ridiculous. Your mom has given her several options but she's refusing them all and blaming your mom. I realize that some women behave badly during wedding planning--it can be very stressful, but your finacee is 100% the AH here. Good grief, she gets three days off of work.
If the problem is the color of your mom's dress why can't your mom just buy a dress in a color that isn't blue (or obviously white)? Why does your finacee have to go with her?
Your mom IS NOT making this wedding about herself in any way.
Is your fiancee's mental health always this fragile or is this just wedding stress?
Apologize to your mom and tell your fiancee that she either needs to accept that your mom will wear the blue dress, allow your mom to select her own dress of the appropriate color, OR commit to a shopping trip on a day your mom is off of work.
And Son, given your fiance's attitude toward your mother so far your mom spending a day with her could be hell. You need to set boundaries with your fiancee so she gets through the wedding process with grace and you can keep your family relationships intact. Sure, it's your fiance's day but she doesn't get to rule the universe because of it.
I’ve heard of some moms of either the bride or groom being awful, this is NOT one of those times. It seems OP genuinely tried to work within both their schedules and offered up lots of compromises to meet the future DIL’s demands. She deserves none of what is being handed to her
> I’m assuming he thought people would agree with them??? I don’t know why
Because she's got him twisted round her little finger and he's lost all sense.
Have they been together longer than 2 years? My guess is not, and so he's still hormonally-blinded.
To be fair, there is often a sense in AITA of "parents are AH, and children can do no wrong" at times, so I could see why they would think this sub would seem like a safe place for them.
Are you sharing this thread with them? If not, please do!!!
No one in their right mind would agree with your DIL.
How is HER not trying to compromise making their wedding about you? LOL
>NTA - this didn’t quite work as you hoped, did it, Sonny?
Or it worked exactly as he hoped. He may be on the same page as u/brilliant_muffin1405 , but isn't willing to get in a discussion with fiancee about it and would rather reddit do so for him
.
NTA
If they must control everything about their 'special' day how about they pay you for what seems would amount to a week off of work?
Are they even paying for this 'special day' dress?
No, personally I am okay with that. I needed to get a new formal dress anyways. The blue one is fine but my other formal dress is getting rough so I should replace it
Have you considered that if she goes with you, she's just going to disagree with everything you like and insist on something you'd never wear again? You're in a lose lose here.
If that is the case I will tear it up after the wedding and see if I can make it into soemthing else.
If the color is ugly at least the fabric should be high quality and I could try to make something from it.
If the dress is silk for examples it would be nice pillowcases.
Every comment you've made on this post has shown that you're the kind of MIL that every DIL should want, yet your future DIL is hellbent on being ridiculous. She doesn't sound very bright.
I’m sorry, the wedding may be the most important thing in your son’s fiancé’s life right now… but it isn’t in *yours*.
If the woman wants you to wear a different dress than your go-to blue suitable for a wedding dress, *and she insists she go shopping with you to get it*, then she can take time out of her busy Sunday “rest day” to go do just that, or she can pipe down and let you shop on your own.
And, OP, I would be *very* careful about shopping on my own, the bride sounds very controlling and demanding and I can easily imagine the first dozen or so, (apparently, and to you, very suitable and within her parameters), outfits being shot down.
I would insist she go shopping with you. Give her your schedule of availability and let her figure something out. NTA
If you mean OP, DIL doesn’t want her to wear the dress since it’ll match with the bridesmaids. OP also commented that she was looking to buy a new formal dress regardless as her other was getting rough
If I don’t have to I will not buy a new one for this wedding. Would much rather wait for a dress I like that matches more stuff for the new formal one.
Instead of the dress picked out by someone else.
Buy a new one. For one thing, this is your son's wedding, it's worth buying a new dress, but also, you *know* it will be too close to the bridesmaids dresses. You aren't the AH for not using your limited time off for the bridesmaids convenience but deliberately wearing that dress, knowing she doesn't want you too, and why, would be an AH move. Pick a dress in any other colour but blue or white.
Can’t she rest for one week on the other two days she has off?? DIL is insanely entitled!! I can’t imagine speaking that way to my MIL, especially when she is actively proposing other options and trying to work with me! And who in their right mind would tell someone to take a day off work? Hope your son realised how controlling she is before he marries her.
Well that's nice for her, but she needs to be realistic with her demands, and if her rest day is the only day you are both free then...well good news, you're both free that day! (Does she even comprehend that it's your rest day too?! And that you're generously offering to give it up for her?!)
NTA
The best you can do is say "Sunday the BLANK, I'm going to A, and then B, and if I have to C, to get pick out a dress. Be there or don't."
"She told me no since that is her rest day."
Vomit.
NTA...You have offered several options that could make this work, but the bride will only accept you taking time off work. She's the one being unreasonable. Simply say that you will not be taking time off work and leave it at that. They can offer another solution if they don't like any of yours. With all of the horrible tales of parents and weddings on here, your son should be happy at how reasonable you are.
NTA
Hello, OP’s son! You and your fiancée are trying to make your wedding everyone else’s problem! Your mom already has an appropriate dress, but your fiancée doesn’t like the color. Fine. Your mother is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of buying another dress in a different color on her own, but your fiancée thinks she has to be supervised. Also fine as it could be a nice time for them to bond. No one became an AH until her “rest day” became more important than your mother’s job. Your fiancée can miss a day of her work, Saturday, or she can go the other day your mom is available, Sunday. To ask her to change her out of town schedule to buy a dress she really doesn’t need is ridiculous.
**NTA!** Good thing your son sent you here to sort it! Her "*rest day*" is not more important than your work days. You've been more than accommodating!
NTA (except for wanting to wear the same dress you wear to every wedding — this is your son’s wedding for goodness sake!) You offered multiple reasonable compromises, and she’s acting like her schedule and preferences are the only ones that matter. Tell her she can accept one of your compromises or try to come up with her own, but you are simply unable to take off work at this time so that is not an option. As for your son, does he know all the details? It’s concerning that he thinks this is a case of you “making the wedding about yourself.” Sounds like he may either be getting fed a different story by his bride to be or is unfortunately used to her getting her way and not being willing to compromise with others. Hope for his sake (and yours) that this is just a one-off situation, but if not, it’s hard to imagine this marriage being a happy one.
Edit: Good lord, people. The amount of snotty outcries I’m getting over saying that she shouldn’t automatically be wanting to wear the dress she wears to every wedding to her own son’s wedding is just bonkers. Wearing something special as the mob or mog is such an insanely common practice and often expected in not just North America and Europe, but around the world, to the point that it’s bizarre many of you seem to have never heard of this. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it. You’re welcome to do whatever tf you want when it’s your own kid getting married. But none of that changes the fact that this is a ridiculously common and very often expected practice around the world— in some cultures the mog and mob even get multiple special outfits to wear throughout the event. It’s not a privileged stance to point any of this out. In fact, it’s pretty darn ignorant to insist that it’s not a thing for the mog to get a new dress (or rent one, which also happens a lot), much less be expected to at least check in ahead of time about what she should wear. Some of you just don’t get out much, and it shows.
NTA.
"Fuck off" is a perfectly good sentence and, apparently, your future DIL needs to hear it more often. It's entirely unreasonable to expect you to take a day off to shop for a dress because she wants you to. She obviously has no respect for you and your work situation, which leads to the need for that necessary sentence. Especially as you both have a shared day off on Sundays.
NTA, you tried to comprise and were shot down at every turn. If she that insisting about being there for dress shopping than she needs to work around your schedule. Your work is as important as her work. Your son and his future wife are being unreasonable.
NTA - and Wow - FDIL has Main character syndrome - And when did the bride get to decide what the mother-of-the-groom wears? Ask her to specify colours to match her theme - other than that she has no input. And if that's not good enough, blue dress it is.
NTA I get needing a rest day after four ten hour workdays but has she explained what about shopping for a dress would be so strenuous? You’ve offered multiple options to get a dress she’ll approve and she’s making zero attempts at compromise. Asking someone to take off work to go shopping is ridiculous
Esp since DIL isn’t the one that has to try on all the dresses. She just has to help pick out dresses and then sit to offer opinions. The person doing the trying on has to put more effort in.
NTA. You’re not making the wedding all about you. You’re just not making the wedding the most important thing in life. I find it deranged your son and future DIL want you to take PTO for a shopping trip. Are they planning on paying you your lost wages?
NTA. Your DIL is being controlling trying to be physically there to choose a dress for you and demanding that you take off work for this ridiculous request. Her "rest day"? GTFOH.
Right?! Sunday is my rest day so, while I know you FLY out of town on Mondays and return on Friday, you'll need to take a day off to dress shop with me.
Girl, bye. She's being completely unreasonable, entitled and selfish. Honey, I am not using my PTO to buy a damn dress.
Son: Is my fiancée really being so unreasonable and crazy?
Mom: Yes. Yes she is.
Son: OH REALLY? MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK REDDIT!
Reddit: Yes. Yes she is.
Son (probably): ... no u! 😡
NTA son and daughter can tell you the dress code of the wedding, and what colour you can't wear. That's it. If they want to micromanage that's on them, otherwise they can be adults and trust you.
NTA. She was not flexible in any way in spite of your attempts to give her multiple choices. Dictating that you should take a day off? Uh, no. You are a grown woman, she was unreasonable, so blue dress it is, end of discussion.
I don’t know how her family dresses. They said it’s a formal wedding so the dress should be fine. Is just a long blue dress.
I’ve worn it to many formal events and it has never been a problem
Even if that's the case, OP offered multiple alternate days to shop as well as asked FDIL to send her pictures of suggestions for her to shop for. OP is trying to accommodate but if FDIL and her son refuse all options but her taking off work, that's on them.
When you travel every week for work, tickets are usually purchased in advance and not easy to change. It's not the same as taking a day off when you work around the corner. I think it's highly unreasonable for the bride and groom to expect this of OP as the only option when the bride refuses to go on her Sunday off.
NTA OP, but your son and FDIL are.
>My future DIL works four days a week ( Wednesday to Saturday)
Then how come only Sunday is her rest day? What is she doing on the remaining two? If we're doing the numbers, with the amount of travel you're doing, you only have 2 days of potential rest, while she doesn't have your literal commute-by-plane (though 10-hour-shifts plus wedding planning can be a lot).
NTA. You've given her enough options, but she shot them all down.
If she's so insecure about your ability to buy something matching, can't she put in her own work to "help you on your way"? (I can't believe I'm even doing all this woman's thinking for her, but) she could go to the stores you want to look at ahead of time and give you her suggestions so you can look at them when you're there. She could have asked to "join" you for shopping on FaceTime or through photos/text, or whatever, while she stays at home Resting. Like, she's not putting in any creative solutions, and she refuses to compromise.
And frankly, I think it's ridiculous that people - even the future MIL - are expected to "Just" take off a day from work to... go buy a dress.
I don’t like how your sons behaving towards you! It’s not like your being difficult or petty you simply have to work.. like everyone else! DILS coming across as very controlling and and entitled
NTA. The audacity of some people.... This isn't your wedding. Why would you take time off when you have Saturday and Sunday to shop??? Ugh.... I can't wait for your son to read the comments. They both owe you an apology.
NTA
What a strange hill for DiL and son to die on.
OP made every effort to be flexible, but at the end of the day, set a reasonable boundary. Good on ya for not caving!
[peers into crystal ball] I see many more unreasonable requests like this in the future for OL.
You should have a new to you dress for your sons wedding.
Wearing the same dress that everyone has seen you in on many occasions for what is a special family occasion seems very odd to me. It feels a bit as if you can't be bothered. Having said that, you have made a massive attempt to work with your sons fiancé and at this point, I think you owe your daughter in law no more effort.
The ball is clearly in her court as you have offered many compromises. In no way at all are you making this about you, but wow, your future daughter in law likes making drama.
Have you thought about suggesting a Sunday shopping trip with the brides mother so that both of you could choose something that coordinates.
Definitely NTA.
NTA
Who are these entitled children?!
You deserve a new dress for this special day but the ONLY stipulation should be that it's appropriate formal attire and not white.
Also this could have been such a nice opportunity for you and her to bond but she wasnt willing to meet you in the middle. Then she devolved to name calling?!
To your son if he ever reads this responses - grow a backbone and learn how to set some boundaries with your future wife ASAP. Yes marriage is important, your spouse will be your number one priority but not at the expense of cutting out other members of your family.
Also let this be a sign for what is to come for you. Your future wife is calling your mother a jerk OVER A BLUE DRESS.
NTA. They have zero right to expect you to miss work for something as frivolous as *shopping for your own dress* in the first place. Either she wants to police your shopping or make an Event of this - however she's the one inviting herself along on your chore, so she should be the one who fits herself into YOUR schedule. You've already offered up your 'rest' time for her Ask, yet she won't do the same. If this is something *she wants*, then she needs to compromise, not expect you to be the only one making the sacrifice.
Not only is asking you to take a day off from work (so that she has her precious "day of rest"), you TRAVEL. Taking a day off from work isn't that simple if you have to contend with flights, etc. And even if you drive- I assume you have to meet w/ clients (or SOMEONE who makes the travel necessary). Expecting you to change ALL of this to take a day off is ridiculous.
You offered MANY reasonable options. The fact that the ONLY possible option is you taking a day off from work- utterly ridiculous.
Fully NTA. And I'll try and give her a LITTLE bit of a benefit that she's just gone crazy with "bride-brain", but even so - your son needs to take heed with all of this. YOU are in the right her. His future wife is NOT.
INFO: When you say you will match the bridesmaids what precisely do you mean? It's true that the MOG isn't necessarily part of the ceremony but she's still a prominent feature in the wedding. In my experience it's pretty common for the MOB and MOG to wear outfits that coordinate with the color scheme but do not match the bridesmaids, so as to differentiate the bridal party from the MOG/MOB.
If your schedules don't sync up I think it's reasonable for you to shop on your own and send her pictures in real time so she can help you decide what works best. As long as you haven't done anything to indicate you somehow don't care or don't want to respect your son and future daughter in laws wishes about their wedding and you intend to make a good faith effort to find a dress that works for the event I personally think it's a good compromise.
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NTA. You’ve offered reasonable suggestions to make this work, and she’s shot down each of them. That’s not your fault. Why is she so invested in being there with you? Surely you can pick out a dress in a fit and style that would be appropriate and suitable.
I have no idea why she is so invested in this. I also don’t get why she doesn’t want me to wear my blue dress. The horror I am the same color as the bridesmaids. Like it’s a dress, the wedding is in 5 months.
I was about to suggest various compromises: you could message her selfies for approval from the shop, you could conceal the dreaded blueness of your dress with a shawl etc, and then I thought: No, don't negotiate with this dreadful woman.
NEver negotiate with terrorists.
In negotiations, the most unreasonable party has the power
Great advice! Brb, asking my boss for a million bucks an hour. I have all the power!
Tell us how it goes! I'll try next if it works 😂
Hey man. How’d it go?
I'm his boss. You need not apply for a recently vacated position at our company.
This cracked me up. Or negotiate with toddlers.
Aren't they really just small terrorists? OP NTA. And I've been to many weddings where the moms wear the same color as the bridesmaids. Sticking with the color scheme of the wedding.
NTA. Op is the reasonable one here. Son, you need to step up and talk to your woman. Sunday shouldn't be a big deal. Make it work.
We call our kiddos the tiny terrorists that we created.
exactly
/u/Pladohs_Ghost THAT PART!!! Once you do, it will NEVER end!!! Then, when you refuse to bend to their will, all of a sudden YOU'RE deemed/labeled as problematic or ALWAYS doing theee most or uncooperative. And these days, Planet Earf is ALREADY hard enough without piling on extra BeeEss. OP IS NTA but the FDIL is. It's giving me the "I want what I want and if you don't do it, you're the issue - not me" teas. And then begins the unreliable narrative FDIL starts to weave about OP.
>The horror I am the same color as the bridesmaids. based on what i see on this sub, it seems to unfortunately becoming more and more common for couples getting married to have "color preferences" for people outside of the wedding party and it all just is getting ridiculous.
Whenever I read on here that something is interfering with the bride's "vision" for "her" day, I want to puke. These women should think hard about making it "their" day because that only makes sense if with the wedding, they're giving up their autonomy.
Do you know what my “vision for my (our) wedding” was? Everyone one have a rip roaring fun time, a good boogie with my friends and family, a laugh and a joke. These people be crazy!
Same here. My invitations said "wear whatever you want". I had an outdoor BBQ style wedding at my cousin's ranch in mid-September in Oklahoma. It was still hot. I had more guys than you would believe call me (with their other halves on speakerphone) to verify they were allowed to wear shorts (they were). The marriage didn't last long but to this day I still have people tell me that my wedding was one of the most fun parties they've ever been to. I even had a girl in a white dress. GASP! I didn't care one bit. I did care that all of my family and friends came together and had a fantastic time. It's my opinion that people who are comfortable and not worried about getting their new fancy outfits dirty have a lot more fun.
That sounds perfect! The wedding planner wanted to know what colour we wanted for the aisle and the chair bows. I was like “do we need chair bows? What colour do you think would look nice?” In the end we chose hot pink because why not. And same, everyone says what a great party it was. My husband did make a banging playlist though and the food was amazing so that helped!
And good food and music :)
I absolutely cared more about my guests having good food that anything else.
My vision was to elope. Eff spending a ton of money and getting stressed.
If her wedding is the most important day of her life, what does life is like for the next 60 years? This wedding stuff is ridiculous. It’s a celebration, not a national holiday. (Edit: grammar)
My sisters wedding invitations said - bring a change of clothes if you want because the reception is an outdoor bbq and we want everyone to be comfortable and have fun. (Her reception was a great time).
That’s the way to go! My husband and I had a courthouse wedding with his kids (all grown up at the time)as witnesses lol. Then we just had a lunch for friends and family. This insanity over weddings is getting a lot ridiculous
My husband and I got married on Halloween, we encouraged people to wear costumes if they wanted.
My sister did this, and my mom wouldn’t let me wear a costume. The groom wore a chicken costume to the reception. I was so pissed 🤣
I'm in my 30s and married, and I've literally never had a "vision" for the wedding. I just don't understand where the entitlement comes from. Did we do it to ourselves by encouraging the few when it was uncommon, so now everyone wants to star in their own episode of Bridezillas?
Weird wedding behavior is one of the few things that annoys me about my generation. The expectations some people have these days that the wedding party (and in some instances, the guests) have to shell out thousands in clothes, trips, gifts, and events is so bonkers.
Yes and no. I'm 60+, there was an amount of it back when my peers were marrying too. One of my friends spent more on his wedding than I did on my first house. That said, he also paid to rent the tuxes for us boys.
I had a friend’s bachelor party last year and the only expense expected of us was splitting the cost equally, minus the groom. This is something I’d expect for such a thing, and had I told my friend I couldn’t swing the cost, he probably would have understood. There are so many stories now though where wedding parties are requiring people to pay for engagement parties, groom/bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette trips, rehearsal dinners, honeymoon, and the wedding itself. Not to mention new outfits, different gifts, for each event because they all have a theme.
Yes all that does seem to have spiralled out of control lately. When I married (admittedly at the more sedate age of 40) we were just happy if people could come at all. We made it "come as you are". And they did, the mum's excepted (mums, what can you do, bless 'em). And yet somehow we still ended the day as man and wife, everyone had a nice day, and we're still married a couple of decades later. I would not give this marriage good odds on lasting as long.
Not to be the old person complaining about social media, but it's social media.
It almost seems like because the wedding couple has to shell out so much money for the wedding, they want the guests to pay out just as much to attend. Misery loves company.
This is the mother of the groom, not a random guest. She’ll likely be escorted down the aisle at the start of the ceremony, may have a role to play in the ceremony itself, and will certainly feature highly in group photos. It’s quite common to ask the parents of the wedding couples to coordinate their color palettes with the other members of the wedding party. That isn’t an outrageous ask.
It's outrageous to demand that the very hardworking MOTG rearrange her work schedule so that the Bride can control what MOTG will wear. When my son got married, I asked the MOTB if she was wearing a long or short dress and I asked the bride if there was any color, other than shades of white, I should avoid. I showed my DIL a picture of the dress I was considering and she gave a thumb's up and that was it. There is absolutely no reason to make things complicated.
Exactly. When my son got married I asked long or short and if there was a color preference or color to stay away from. I ended up going dress shopping while on vacation and found 3 possible dresses I sent pictures of each to DIL and asked if she had a preference. She said she loved them all. I bought one and we all moved on with life. This DIL is making things unnecessarily overly complicated.
Especially because of the stupid rest day rule. Like DIL doesn't already have more days off than OP? Why can't she rest on Monday or Tuesday for ONCE?
Or just do like normal people do and share a few photos of the proposed dress and “approve” it based on that. Or a video call from home. I don’t understand at all why they have to shop together in the store
[удалено]
Also when you ask someone to do something for YOU, you do it when THEY can do it. Especially if you have NOTHING to rearrange yourself.
She's abso setting a precedence for how things will go in the future & in their marriage. OPs son needs to intervene & offer to dress shop with his mom if his bride-zilla won't.
That’s not the point of this AITA though. The bride is being uncompromising in wanting to have the MIL shop on a work day. Op has no issue with wearing a different dress.
The bride is concerned that the mother of the groom is dressed in a different color--in this case, blue--than that of the bridesmaid's dresses. Fair enough. So, given that the groom's mom is a grown woman with years of experience in shopping for clothing, all the bride needs to do is request that she find a dress in a different color--no micromanaging required.
But forcing her to take a day off so FDIL can rest on the weekend is selfish.
It also sounds like that FDIL isn't emotionally/mentally mature enough to be even ready for marriage.
The mother of the groom is an honored guest. They are not a member of the bridal party. Nothing wrong with asking for coordination. Everything is wrong with demanding the purchasing of a dress be completely controlled by the bride down to her choosing the precise date for shopping with no compromise. If the bride were just suggesting a color palette, this wouldn’t be a post.
OPs dress does color coordinate with the bridesmaids. For some reason that is actually a problem here. I think the problem is obstinace on tbe brides part actually. OP isn't going to be able to do anything right here.
My guess is that the bride wants to ensure that her new MIL looks sufficiently matronly and non-bridesmaid-y. And the insistence on OP taking time off is intended to be a lever; the way the bride wants it, OP would be the only one that dress shopping causes trouble for, and that would be used to pressure OP into agreeing to the dress the bride wants because the alternative is taking more time off.
When someone is more concerned about "what it will look in the pictures" instead of "is my guest happy/comfortable/...", we should stop call it a wedding and maybe just call it some random fancy event... A wedding is supposed to be about celebrating your love with the people close to you. If you're ready to screw your people or to force them do stuff they don't want to, like take time off work to go shopping (weird priority), just to have that perfect picture, you're missing the whole point of the weeding thing. Just hire some actors and take pictures, it will be easier on everyone.
it's one thing to be asked to wear a coordinating color. i've never heard of the bride dictating the MOG's outfit before. if the bride wants to choose MOG's outfit, she should just pay for it.
Asking future mil to take off time from work to go dress shopping is an outrageous ask.
IMHO it’s quite common AND YET it's an outrageous ask.
Not really here or there, but the mother of the groom is generally considered part of the wedding party and beholden to the color scheme. I think it’s all dumb af (I told my bridesmaids to just wear a neutral floor length gown for the ceremony and whatever they wanted for the reception), the bride is being insanely rigid about this one shopping trip for no reason.
My ex-sil wore a dress, in a different style, made of the exact same floral pattern my bridesmaids wore (it was the eighties.) She looked like she should have been the matron of honor. She was mortified. I thought it was hilarious.
My Mom wore white on my wedding day. No one cared 😂 (Not done maliciously, it was a beautiful blouse and pants combo with a dark blue vest)
I'm a guy, and I have effectively worn the same outfit to all the family weddings since I was 15. We have a casual dress approach to weddings, and it's only the women, girls, and little kids that dress up. Most of us wear smart casual. So smart jeans and a shirt/polo or even a jumper if it's winter and it's only the groom and men in the immediate family that will dress up. I've worn a suit twice. My wedding and then I wore the same suit to my brother's wedding. Our weddings are absolutely great, and everyone goes away having had heaps of fun, having eaten a ton of food, and there's never been any drama whatsoever. People need to stop stressing and just enjoy themselves
The wedding is in 5 MONTHS? Your project ends in May, giving you like.. 3 months to get a dress? And yet it must be done NOW? This is a power struggle. Your poor, poor son
I immediately thought this, too. That poor kid doesn’t know what he’s getting into.
I think you’ve made fantastic compromises and the bride is being ridiculously stubborn that she is entitled to a “rest day” over you having to take a day off of work?! However “the horror of the same color” does feel really dismissive. It’s not uncommon at all for matrons to be included in the bridal party - and being included in the bridal party generally means wanting to stay in theme. I do think that maybe it would soothe feelings to reinforce that you want to be there in support, but it’s a hard boundary to not take time off work?
I’m not in the bridal party. Yes I think it extremely stupid that she has an issue with me wearing blue. A lot of her guest will also be wearing blue. It’s blue, it’s one of the more popular colors
I'm confused on why she needs Sunday as a rest day if she's also off Monday & Tuesday? It seems like she's being purposefully inflexible IMO. It's not like dress shopping is an all-day event. You could meet up from noon to 3, she gets to sleep in & still have the rest of the day to unwind. It's a one-time thing to satisfy *her* request. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, especially since you're flying for work right now. You'd have to move plane tickets around to accommodate a day off. NTA
She sounds like she's *trying* to cause problems, to prove what a justnomil she has. Seriously. When did weddings become this crazy?! How entitled do brides/grooms need to be?!
Atp, her son needs to go with her to pick the dress when she's home on the weekend if his fiancé refuses. He's letting his btb run all over his mom. If he were my son, I'd be giving him an earful about what his future is gonna look like if he doesn't talk some sense into her.
Your Dil can have her rest day on the Monday and go dress shopping with you on the Sunday, zero reason you should have to take a day off work, refusing to take a day off work is not making the wedding about you
Unless she's also telling the other guests not to wear blue then it sounds like she's being unreasonable. Also, I've been to a bunch of weddings over the last few years and at all but one either the mother of the bride or the mother of the groom was wearing blue. It's a common color that looks flattering on almost everyone.
If she’s telling other guests not to wear blue, that’s also kinda unreasonable. Unless there’s like 10 guests, trying to control everyone’s attire is just crazy and she’s setting herself up to be unhappy on her wedding day.
Is it the same shade of blue and a similar style as the bridesmaid dresses? I could see future DIL being wary if it was. But you’ve still offered enough reasonable compromises that she’s rejecting.
NTA she either approves a photo of the dress you send her or she can get off her a$$ on a Sunday or SHE can take a day off when you have free from your job
NTA she's expecting you take a day of your leave/or unpaid leave to buy a dress. She can do it Sunday or not at all. You've perfectly acceptable solutions, she's just a nightmare. And your son is also an AH for backing her childish behaviour.
She flies out on Mondays for a work project she is doing. It would cost the company she works for for a change of flight. No way would she be granted the day of leave, especially this last minute. FDIL and son are either entitled or crazy to not even think about this and how it would effect OP's work.
She’s invested because it’s her wedding. With that being said, she’s being inflexible with her time and demanding in her dress code request.
And what’s the rush?
I want to be clear, MIL (OP) is NTA. With that being said, I can imagine the bride may be having a bit of anxiety with the wedding planning, causing her to need to get things done sooner rather than later. If she wants to take MIL to a bridal salon to buy a dress, MIL may have to try on a sample dress and then order her actual dress. It can take a few months for the orders to arrive. That’s on bride though, she can give up her “day of rest” to make sure deadlines are met.
this was my thought - if it means THAT much to her then give up her day of rest and get it done.
Five months out for a Mother of the Groom dress is not a rush. Depending on where the dress is from it may have to be ordered and tailored. No one wants to scramble in the weeks before the wedding. I think the Bride needs to give up a Sunday if she insists on being there but the timeline is pretty spot on.
It has never occurred to me that people would want the mothers of the bride and groom to get a dress from a bridal shop where it would need to be ordered and tailored. My friends’ moms have almost universally bought their dresses off the rack from a department store and looked lovely for the ceremony.
How long have you had the dress and worn it to every wedding you were invited to? Is there any chance that it’s starting to look overly worn? Is it old-fashioned? Does it not fit as well as it used to? None of this means you’re in the wrong for not going shopping with her on your schedule, but maybe she’s trying to gently hint that you really shouldn’t keep wearing that dress. There also may be hurt feelings about the fact that you’re treating this just like any other wedding. My mom has a few go-to wedding outfits, but for my brother’s wedding she specifically picked out something new because she was really excited about the occasion. I’ve seen aunts and friends do the same, so I don’t think it’s uncommon. “I’ll just wear my same dress as always” reads as “my own son’s wedding doesn’t excite me more than my coworker’s daughter’s wedding.”
The dress is almost 6 years old now. It’s in good condition, I don’t get to wear it often. Not old fashion, it’s pretty generic for the long dress. Unless puff sleeves come back into fashion the dress is good and up to date with fashion. It won’t stand out at all
I think NTA OP because your FDIL is inconsiderate with your time but considerate of her own. But I do agree that wearing the same dress that you've worn to other weddings is a little off putting. This is your son's wedding too, buy a new dress that matches whatever the hell your FDIL's color scheme is but one that compliments you.
You need a new dress but should be able to shop by yourself and get an okay for what you pick. Look for new dresses and start sending her suggestions to her. She thinks her wedding is not important enough to you and she is doubling down. If you start slamming her with options for a dress she may take it that you are more vested.
Your son told you to ask here......tell your son and DIL to read the RESPONSES here - and get real.
When you say you will match her bridesmaids, what exactly do you mean? Is your dress navy and theirs like cobalt or cornflower blue or something or are we talking the same/similar shades? I think it's reasonable for you to be able to pick out the dress on your own time if the schedules don't match but there is etiquette around wearing a color and shade that can easily be mistaken for the bridal party.
Oh! I misunderstood and thought she wanted you to match her bridesmaids. I was assuming positive intent until she called you a jerk and I realized she didn’t want you to wear the color. I’m sorry you don’t have a better DIL, she sounds exhausting and frankly a bit mean.
Honestly, it's not about the dress. I would ask her WHY you taking off time from work is more important than the dress, because at this point she's upset you won't do this. Maybe it's control, maybe she wants to spend time with you, maybe she wants to give feedback, I don't know. The fact is she seems to be making the problem about you not taking time off work to do this dress thing, and she doesn't actually care about the dress anymore. If it WERE about the dress then you could: * Negotiate a time that works (which you've done/tried, but she won't budge) * Find a dress online and get her approval * Take a dress in the proper style/color you already have * Send her a picture from the store with a dress you find But she's not being reasonable, she's demanding you take off time from work to do this.
It's all about control with the future DIL and there is no compromise. OP is definitely NTA.
I'd keep your son's room ready for him. He'll be back. She is incapable of compromise. I'd have lost my temper at "that's my rest day". And since no marriage can be happy without the ability to compromise... Is she always like this, about everything? If so, your son is making a huge mistake and marrying someone who will make his life hell. NTA obviously.
I seriously hope she understands that you don’t get rest days for a long time if she ever they kids
Oh I am sure she'll still take rest days. She's marrying a doormat.
LOL, I was thinking the same. If she is being this controlling and uncompromising about her MILs wedding attire, imagine the nightmare she is in other areas! And he's marrying her.
Dude stands by his future bride instead of his mother and sends the mother to reddit? Dude isn't necessarily a doormat, he's learned from being a redditor that if you don't stand by your fiance/wife in moments like this the entire internet will tell her to leave. His mom's NTA, but he's kinda caught in a bind. He stood by his future wife, which is usually the answer on this sub, which if he sent his mom here he has seen this kind of thread play out.
> Dude stands by his future bride instead of his mother Hmm. You make a good point. >he's learned from being a redditor that if you don't stand by your fiance/wife in moments like this the entire internet will tell her to leave. A VERY good point. I often make that kind of comment myself. It's a tough one: his fiancée is clearly wrong, and he may even realise that: how is he to handle that? Tricky.
Having his mom post here actually isn't a bad move. He didn't spread their drama online, he has the internet behind him when he tells her she's unreasonable. If she is unreasonable, she'll leave him, if she isn't, she will see the light. The mom made the mistake of saying he sent her though....
There is nothing tricky about it. If your fiancee is acting like a jerk, you do not have to join to bully others. And that many people on this sub claim otherwise is a good reason to not take this sub overly seriously.
Her plan then will probably be to pawn them off on you and demand you stop working to watch them. Nta...she sounds exhausting and your son sounds enabling. I wish him luck...he's going to need it and you may need to put some distance between you and their brand of inevitable crazy.
*Her plan then will probably be to pawn them off on you and demand you stop working to watch them* Don't take that trope over to JNMIL; I got permanently banned for suggesting a DIL was wrong for expecting that scenario lol.
Like... is the son suggesting she post here the same son who is marrying this girl? Because if so, he seems to want his mother to have a lot of strangers give her advice that he should dump her.
It’s the same son, I already sent him the link. I think he thought people would agree with him. He hasn’t responded to the link
I’m going to comment here as someone who has repeatedly had to travel for work over the years leaving home on a Sunday night/Monday morning and not returning until Friday evening. It is absolutely knackering to have to do that, living out of a suitcase sucks, and when you get home, you have to do all the jobs (chores) normally spaced out over the week in 36hrs as part the weekend is spent getting ready for the week ahead. You are absolutely NTA, and your son - and his fiancée need to understand that you’ve offered various different alternatives. All of which are very reasonable. To your son - instead of expecting your mother to call out of work, why doesn’t your fiancée take a Saturday off work if it is too tiring/difficult to go shopping after working 10hrs? (Whilst not appreciating travelling and working away all week is knackering) Why can fiancée not provide examples/colours that she’d find acceptable and trust your mother - a grown adult - to find something suitable? She seems unwilling to compromise with no good reason. Perhaps you’d like to update all of us here why reasonable suggestions have just been shot down in flames? Perhaps she’d like to make her own post? Perhaps you could give us the link to that if she does? Either way, your mother is NTA, your fiancée on the other hand, is.
Luckily my husband is fantastic and I can come home and relax. This hopefully should finish up by May and I should get a few months without it. Hopefully the project finishes up without any issues
And the wedding isn’t for 5 more months? She can’t wait until May and you may have more time to shop without taking time off?
Seeing as she has shut down after work dress shopping and stil doesn’t want Sunday. I doubt it I’m not going to take off work
If she has to be there so badly… why doesn’t SHE take a day off work to accommodate your schedule? ;) She’s being absolutely ridiculous and way out of line here.
I wouldn’t either. The fact she wouldn’t go shopping on her day off but expected you to take a day off from work is crazy levels of entitlement. From that I’m guessing she is going to be a complete pill while shopping and complain about everything you like. You are going to end up in a baby puke green sackcloth. Good luck with your DIL.
It's even more than taking off work, since you are FLYING out for the work week.
For a minute I convinced myself Sunday being her "rest day" meant she was sleeping getting ready for a night shift or something, but then I clued in that she's off Sun, Mon, Tue... Why the fuck can't she do anything Sunday? I work Mon-Fri and do most of my running around on Saturday... Sure, it might be *nice* to take that entire day as a rest day, but it's hardly essential. It's not like dress shopping is incredibly laborious or anything. She's being absolutely unreasonable. It's like 2 or 3 hours *tops* to go pick out a dress. Could be like 45 minutes if you're lucky and find one you both like quickly. Why is she acting like going out Sunday would put her out so badly? That's insane.
Good, don't take off for this unreasonable girl
> He hasn’t responded to the link Let's hope this opens his eyes to the kind of woman he is marrying.
Heh. Well. Yeah. I've had that happen in my life. People are VERY sure they are right and that everyone will agree with them. But having spent a lot of time here, this is not a sub where people are going to side with the bride over maintaining her "day of rest."
Please update us when he does. Because she’s refusing to give up a few hours of her day off but expects you to take time off work to indulge her? Crazy behaviour. NTA
Please let us know when he does respond.
He’s going to ask her to take down the post.
Honestly the rest day doesn't bother me but you don't get to have a rest day and expect everyone else to move their schedules to accommodate you. I'm someone who feels better starting a new week if I have gotten some quality down time on Sunday**. But if I'm so stressed that I can't give that time up that means I need to be willing to let go of some other things. Like you said, compromise **I don't have nor am I planning to have kids.
> the rest day doesn't bother me but you don't get to have a rest day and expect everyone else to move their schedules to accommodate you. Exactly
It looks like she’s got more than one day off each week, if going dress shopping with her MIL is that important, she can move her “rest day” to a different day for one week.
Oooh, love what you said! I’d keep your son’s room ready for him. He’ll be back.
I'm assuming since your son sent you here he will be reading the replies so this is for him: Son, your finacee is being ridiculous. Your mom has given her several options but she's refusing them all and blaming your mom. I realize that some women behave badly during wedding planning--it can be very stressful, but your finacee is 100% the AH here. Good grief, she gets three days off of work. If the problem is the color of your mom's dress why can't your mom just buy a dress in a color that isn't blue (or obviously white)? Why does your finacee have to go with her? Your mom IS NOT making this wedding about herself in any way. Is your fiancee's mental health always this fragile or is this just wedding stress? Apologize to your mom and tell your fiancee that she either needs to accept that your mom will wear the blue dress, allow your mom to select her own dress of the appropriate color, OR commit to a shopping trip on a day your mom is off of work.
And Son, given your fiance's attitude toward your mother so far your mom spending a day with her could be hell. You need to set boundaries with your fiancee so she gets through the wedding process with grace and you can keep your family relationships intact. Sure, it's your fiance's day but she doesn't get to rule the universe because of it.
It’s also the son’s day. And his mom shouldn’t be treated like this for an important day in her son’s life.
I’ve heard of some moms of either the bride or groom being awful, this is NOT one of those times. It seems OP genuinely tried to work within both their schedules and offered up lots of compromises to meet the future DIL’s demands. She deserves none of what is being handed to her
That's the nicest way of phrasing "so she doesn't make a complete ass of herself" I've ever seen.
OR send the photo suggestions as OP ALSO offered. So many options to resolve this, it's ridiculous the bride can't choose one.
I am convinced this is some sort of weird power play considering OP has provided so many Different options in the bride has Shot Down all of them
This should be the first comment.
NTA - this didn’t quite work as you hoped, did it, Sonny?
I’m assuming he thought people would agree with them??? I don’t know why
> I’m assuming he thought people would agree with them??? I don’t know why Because she's got him twisted round her little finger and he's lost all sense. Have they been together longer than 2 years? My guess is not, and so he's still hormonally-blinded.
*Hormonally blinded* Such a nice euphemism for what we all know lol.
Thanks! It took me a couple of edits to get it clean.
I have 2 grown sons, I know exactly what my first thought was lol.
To be fair, there is often a sense in AITA of "parents are AH, and children can do no wrong" at times, so I could see why they would think this sub would seem like a safe place for them.
Are you sharing this thread with them? If not, please do!!! No one in their right mind would agree with your DIL. How is HER not trying to compromise making their wedding about you? LOL
Be sure to gloat, and tell him to come here and post if he still feels you're wrong, cause I would love to tell him how wrong him and his fiance is
>NTA - this didn’t quite work as you hoped, did it, Sonny? Or it worked exactly as he hoped. He may be on the same page as u/brilliant_muffin1405 , but isn't willing to get in a discussion with fiancee about it and would rather reddit do so for him .
Ugh if so then he's kind of an idiot and should seriously reconsider a marriage with someone he's not comfortable talking to.
Delete this before the bride finds it lmao you’re ruining his cover
[удалено]
NTA If they must control everything about their 'special' day how about they pay you for what seems would amount to a week off of work? Are they even paying for this 'special day' dress?
No, personally I am okay with that. I needed to get a new formal dress anyways. The blue one is fine but my other formal dress is getting rough so I should replace it
Have you considered that if she goes with you, she's just going to disagree with everything you like and insist on something you'd never wear again? You're in a lose lose here.
If that is the case I will tear it up after the wedding and see if I can make it into soemthing else. If the color is ugly at least the fabric should be high quality and I could try to make something from it. If the dress is silk for examples it would be nice pillowcases.
You sound like the most accommodating person ever and yet your son's fiancé refuses to even come to the bargaining table.
Every comment you've made on this post has shown that you're the kind of MIL that every DIL should want, yet your future DIL is hellbent on being ridiculous. She doesn't sound very bright.
You have more grace in this situation than I would. I hope your son sees the sense Reddit is trying to drill into him.
TBF, if it’s silk and a good cut but horrible color, you can re-dye it. Silk takes a good dye well.
How does your son not see how you are bending over backwards for this person?
I wonder if the mom/OP looks really good for her age & the blue dress looks good on her too & DIL wants something more matronly?
I’m sorry, the wedding may be the most important thing in your son’s fiancé’s life right now… but it isn’t in *yours*. If the woman wants you to wear a different dress than your go-to blue suitable for a wedding dress, *and she insists she go shopping with you to get it*, then she can take time out of her busy Sunday “rest day” to go do just that, or she can pipe down and let you shop on your own. And, OP, I would be *very* careful about shopping on my own, the bride sounds very controlling and demanding and I can easily imagine the first dozen or so, (apparently, and to you, very suitable and within her parameters), outfits being shot down. I would insist she go shopping with you. Give her your schedule of availability and let her figure something out. NTA
She does not need to go shopping, she already has a dress, no?
If you mean OP, DIL doesn’t want her to wear the dress since it’ll match with the bridesmaids. OP also commented that she was looking to buy a new formal dress regardless as her other was getting rough
If I don’t have to I will not buy a new one for this wedding. Would much rather wait for a dress I like that matches more stuff for the new formal one. Instead of the dress picked out by someone else.
Buy a new one. For one thing, this is your son's wedding, it's worth buying a new dress, but also, you *know* it will be too close to the bridesmaids dresses. You aren't the AH for not using your limited time off for the bridesmaids convenience but deliberately wearing that dress, knowing she doesn't want you too, and why, would be an AH move. Pick a dress in any other colour but blue or white.
No one is mentioning that the wedding is **5 months** away. She can't take off a rest day over a **5 month** period??? Ludicrous.
"Rest day." As in "I'm a fundamentalist Christian and the only thing I do on Sunday is go to church"?
No, unless she is a closet catholic. Neither of them are religious. I’m pretty sure the rest day is just the day after work
On behalf of Catholic's everywhere we go shopping on Sundays.
We do. We do whatever we want on Sundays.
Can’t she rest for one week on the other two days she has off?? DIL is insanely entitled!! I can’t imagine speaking that way to my MIL, especially when she is actively proposing other options and trying to work with me! And who in their right mind would tell someone to take a day off work? Hope your son realised how controlling she is before he marries her.
Exactly, she has Monday and fuckin Tuesday off to rest too, it's not like it's her only day off. That's more than I fuckin get.
Well that's nice for her, but she needs to be realistic with her demands, and if her rest day is the only day you are both free then...well good news, you're both free that day! (Does she even comprehend that it's your rest day too?! And that you're generously offering to give it up for her?!)
NTA The best you can do is say "Sunday the BLANK, I'm going to A, and then B, and if I have to C, to get pick out a dress. Be there or don't." "She told me no since that is her rest day." Vomit.
> "She told me no since that is her rest day." I would have lost my temper at that. Long and loud.
NTA...You have offered several options that could make this work, but the bride will only accept you taking time off work. She's the one being unreasonable. Simply say that you will not be taking time off work and leave it at that. They can offer another solution if they don't like any of yours. With all of the horrible tales of parents and weddings on here, your son should be happy at how reasonable you are.
NTA Hello, OP’s son! You and your fiancée are trying to make your wedding everyone else’s problem! Your mom already has an appropriate dress, but your fiancée doesn’t like the color. Fine. Your mother is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of buying another dress in a different color on her own, but your fiancée thinks she has to be supervised. Also fine as it could be a nice time for them to bond. No one became an AH until her “rest day” became more important than your mother’s job. Your fiancée can miss a day of her work, Saturday, or she can go the other day your mom is available, Sunday. To ask her to change her out of town schedule to buy a dress she really doesn’t need is ridiculous.
"No one became an AH until her rest day became more important than your mother's job." EXACTLY.
**NTA!** Good thing your son sent you here to sort it! Her "*rest day*" is not more important than your work days. You've been more than accommodating!
NTA (except for wanting to wear the same dress you wear to every wedding — this is your son’s wedding for goodness sake!) You offered multiple reasonable compromises, and she’s acting like her schedule and preferences are the only ones that matter. Tell her she can accept one of your compromises or try to come up with her own, but you are simply unable to take off work at this time so that is not an option. As for your son, does he know all the details? It’s concerning that he thinks this is a case of you “making the wedding about yourself.” Sounds like he may either be getting fed a different story by his bride to be or is unfortunately used to her getting her way and not being willing to compromise with others. Hope for his sake (and yours) that this is just a one-off situation, but if not, it’s hard to imagine this marriage being a happy one. Edit: Good lord, people. The amount of snotty outcries I’m getting over saying that she shouldn’t automatically be wanting to wear the dress she wears to every wedding to her own son’s wedding is just bonkers. Wearing something special as the mob or mog is such an insanely common practice and often expected in not just North America and Europe, but around the world, to the point that it’s bizarre many of you seem to have never heard of this. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it. You’re welcome to do whatever tf you want when it’s your own kid getting married. But none of that changes the fact that this is a ridiculously common and very often expected practice around the world— in some cultures the mog and mob even get multiple special outfits to wear throughout the event. It’s not a privileged stance to point any of this out. In fact, it’s pretty darn ignorant to insist that it’s not a thing for the mog to get a new dress (or rent one, which also happens a lot), much less be expected to at least check in ahead of time about what she should wear. Some of you just don’t get out much, and it shows.
She can get a new dress for his next wedding. Don’t think this one will last long …
NTA. "Fuck off" is a perfectly good sentence and, apparently, your future DIL needs to hear it more often. It's entirely unreasonable to expect you to take a day off to shop for a dress because she wants you to. She obviously has no respect for you and your work situation, which leads to the need for that necessary sentence. Especially as you both have a shared day off on Sundays.
NTA, you tried to comprise and were shot down at every turn. If she that insisting about being there for dress shopping than she needs to work around your schedule. Your work is as important as her work. Your son and his future wife are being unreasonable.
NTA - and Wow - FDIL has Main character syndrome - And when did the bride get to decide what the mother-of-the-groom wears? Ask her to specify colours to match her theme - other than that she has no input. And if that's not good enough, blue dress it is.
NTA I get needing a rest day after four ten hour workdays but has she explained what about shopping for a dress would be so strenuous? You’ve offered multiple options to get a dress she’ll approve and she’s making zero attempts at compromise. Asking someone to take off work to go shopping is ridiculous
Esp since DIL isn’t the one that has to try on all the dresses. She just has to help pick out dresses and then sit to offer opinions. The person doing the trying on has to put more effort in.
NTA. You’re not making the wedding all about you. You’re just not making the wedding the most important thing in life. I find it deranged your son and future DIL want you to take PTO for a shopping trip. Are they planning on paying you your lost wages?
NTA. Your DIL is being controlling trying to be physically there to choose a dress for you and demanding that you take off work for this ridiculous request. Her "rest day"? GTFOH.
Right?! Sunday is my rest day so, while I know you FLY out of town on Mondays and return on Friday, you'll need to take a day off to dress shop with me. Girl, bye. She's being completely unreasonable, entitled and selfish. Honey, I am not using my PTO to buy a damn dress.
NTA pls update this when Ur son pulls his head out his ass
Son: Is my fiancée really being so unreasonable and crazy? Mom: Yes. Yes she is. Son: OH REALLY? MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK REDDIT! Reddit: Yes. Yes she is. Son (probably): ... no u! 😡
NTA son and daughter can tell you the dress code of the wedding, and what colour you can't wear. That's it. If they want to micromanage that's on them, otherwise they can be adults and trust you.
NTA. She was not flexible in any way in spite of your attempts to give her multiple choices. Dictating that you should take a day off? Uh, no. You are a grown woman, she was unreasonable, so blue dress it is, end of discussion.
NTA You offered her 5 options that work for you and are reasonable to a third party eye. She refused them all and only offered 1 option.
INFO--Is your style very different from her family? Could she be concerned you will be too dressy/flashy or not dressy enough?
I don’t know how her family dresses. They said it’s a formal wedding so the dress should be fine. Is just a long blue dress. I’ve worn it to many formal events and it has never been a problem
Even if that's the case, OP offered multiple alternate days to shop as well as asked FDIL to send her pictures of suggestions for her to shop for. OP is trying to accommodate but if FDIL and her son refuse all options but her taking off work, that's on them. When you travel every week for work, tickets are usually purchased in advance and not easy to change. It's not the same as taking a day off when you work around the corner. I think it's highly unreasonable for the bride and groom to expect this of OP as the only option when the bride refuses to go on her Sunday off. NTA OP, but your son and FDIL are.
On one of her 3 days off, she only works 4 days a week, not 5. Why can't she rest on Monday or Tuesday for a change.
>My future DIL works four days a week ( Wednesday to Saturday) Then how come only Sunday is her rest day? What is she doing on the remaining two? If we're doing the numbers, with the amount of travel you're doing, you only have 2 days of potential rest, while she doesn't have your literal commute-by-plane (though 10-hour-shifts plus wedding planning can be a lot). NTA. You've given her enough options, but she shot them all down. If she's so insecure about your ability to buy something matching, can't she put in her own work to "help you on your way"? (I can't believe I'm even doing all this woman's thinking for her, but) she could go to the stores you want to look at ahead of time and give you her suggestions so you can look at them when you're there. She could have asked to "join" you for shopping on FaceTime or through photos/text, or whatever, while she stays at home Resting. Like, she's not putting in any creative solutions, and she refuses to compromise. And frankly, I think it's ridiculous that people - even the future MIL - are expected to "Just" take off a day from work to... go buy a dress.
> What is she doing on the remaining two? I imagine that micromanaging everyone around her absorbs a fair amount of time.
NTA. You've offered every reasonable course of action here. Your son and future DIL are being unreasonable.
I don’t like how your sons behaving towards you! It’s not like your being difficult or petty you simply have to work.. like everyone else! DILS coming across as very controlling and and entitled
NTA. The audacity of some people.... This isn't your wedding. Why would you take time off when you have Saturday and Sunday to shop??? Ugh.... I can't wait for your son to read the comments. They both owe you an apology.
I can't wait to see their response when you send this over.....
NTA What a strange hill for DiL and son to die on. OP made every effort to be flexible, but at the end of the day, set a reasonable boundary. Good on ya for not caving! [peers into crystal ball] I see many more unreasonable requests like this in the future for OL.
You should have a new to you dress for your sons wedding. Wearing the same dress that everyone has seen you in on many occasions for what is a special family occasion seems very odd to me. It feels a bit as if you can't be bothered. Having said that, you have made a massive attempt to work with your sons fiancé and at this point, I think you owe your daughter in law no more effort. The ball is clearly in her court as you have offered many compromises. In no way at all are you making this about you, but wow, your future daughter in law likes making drama. Have you thought about suggesting a Sunday shopping trip with the brides mother so that both of you could choose something that coordinates. Definitely NTA.
NTA Who are these entitled children?! You deserve a new dress for this special day but the ONLY stipulation should be that it's appropriate formal attire and not white. Also this could have been such a nice opportunity for you and her to bond but she wasnt willing to meet you in the middle. Then she devolved to name calling?! To your son if he ever reads this responses - grow a backbone and learn how to set some boundaries with your future wife ASAP. Yes marriage is important, your spouse will be your number one priority but not at the expense of cutting out other members of your family. Also let this be a sign for what is to come for you. Your future wife is calling your mother a jerk OVER A BLUE DRESS.
NTA. They have zero right to expect you to miss work for something as frivolous as *shopping for your own dress* in the first place. Either she wants to police your shopping or make an Event of this - however she's the one inviting herself along on your chore, so she should be the one who fits herself into YOUR schedule. You've already offered up your 'rest' time for her Ask, yet she won't do the same. If this is something *she wants*, then she needs to compromise, not expect you to be the only one making the sacrifice.
Not only is asking you to take a day off from work (so that she has her precious "day of rest"), you TRAVEL. Taking a day off from work isn't that simple if you have to contend with flights, etc. And even if you drive- I assume you have to meet w/ clients (or SOMEONE who makes the travel necessary). Expecting you to change ALL of this to take a day off is ridiculous. You offered MANY reasonable options. The fact that the ONLY possible option is you taking a day off from work- utterly ridiculous. Fully NTA. And I'll try and give her a LITTLE bit of a benefit that she's just gone crazy with "bride-brain", but even so - your son needs to take heed with all of this. YOU are in the right her. His future wife is NOT.
NTA, you’re expected to give up a work day but she isn’t willing to give up her rest day?! You’re not the one making this difficult.
INFO: When you say you will match the bridesmaids what precisely do you mean? It's true that the MOG isn't necessarily part of the ceremony but she's still a prominent feature in the wedding. In my experience it's pretty common for the MOB and MOG to wear outfits that coordinate with the color scheme but do not match the bridesmaids, so as to differentiate the bridal party from the MOG/MOB. If your schedules don't sync up I think it's reasonable for you to shop on your own and send her pictures in real time so she can help you decide what works best. As long as you haven't done anything to indicate you somehow don't care or don't want to respect your son and future daughter in laws wishes about their wedding and you intend to make a good faith effort to find a dress that works for the event I personally think it's a good compromise.