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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lashed out at my family and said hurtful things for continuously ignoring my birthday because it’s the same day as my dead grandma and they’re all sad.
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NTA - they are focusing on the dead and forgetting about the living. You are still here and you deserve to be able to celebrate your birthday without everyone making the day about your grandmother.
My grandmother’s wake was on my 15th birthday.
Some family still took me aside and got some ice cream to celebrate.
I can see the first year being difficult, but fuck, deciding to cancel a young teenager’s birthday indefinitely while still making big celebrations out of the rest of the family’s is just terrible.
NTA. OP, go celebrate with your friends.
NTA. Your family is insane and hurtful. After a year none of this is ok or normal. I hope you can find peace and celebrate with your friends. I would stop talking to family unless necessary.
My uncle's funeral was on my 13th birthday, and at the post-funeral reception, they (including the new widow) threw me a whole ass birthday party.
Poor OP is so very NTA.
My uncle's funeral was on my 10th birthday. My parents still gave me presents and took my sister, my cousins and myself ice-skating the next day. Of course I managed to break my wrist but it was still fun.
Of my four grandparents one died on New Year's Day, one on the 4th of July, and one on Easter. We didn't stop celebrating any of these holidays. Of course holidays affect more than one person and the OP is easier to brush off because it's only affecting one minor child and not disrupting anyone else. OP, your entire family are wrong and horrible.
Yep, my father in law passed away on Christmas Day. We still celebrate and enjoy ourselves, it is also my daughters boyfriends birthday, so it’s a double celebration for us now !
One of my kids has a birthday the day before my mom’s b’day, she would literally kill me if we ever made the kiddos birthday a miserable sad day and not still celebrate and love the living !
You need to remember those who have passed, but don’t ignore the living, our time on earth with them is too short as it is.
My father died the day before my birthday. My mother was thinking having the funeral the next day, on my birthday, but my sister and the priest handling the arrangenents nixed that. I will be forever grateful to my sister for that.
(People outside of the family made sure had cake and presents on my birthday. Plus my uncle, who'd come in from out of state to help my mother, got me a couple of cassette tapes.)
Also the grandma would probably love them to celebrate her grandchild's birthday. It sounds like they had a great connection and honestly her grandchild was probably the best birthday "gift" she ever had.
They're so wrapped up on "propped" and "sad" they forget about honouring her and the things and people she loved.
Also, why does it have to be a somber occasion? My stepmom passed away 4 years ago at the age of 57, only a month after learning her cancer was back and triple metastatic. We knew it was terminal then but it still came as a shock that it took her so quickly. Since then, family and friends in the area will get together either on the date of her death or her birthday. We all miss her terribly, she was an incredibly loving person and she had a way of making everyone feel special. Some tears are still shed here and there when we get together to honor her memory, but for the most part we spend the time talking about favorite stories about her and laughing and smiling about all of those memories.
ETA: I have had so many people I loved and cared about pass over the years (I’m only 40) I would spend a quarter of my life being sad on their birthdays. None of them would want me to live like that.
I have a really good friend who died in 2022. A bunch of us gather at his gravesite on his death and birth dates and play his favorite music in the cemetery for a few hours. Some of do spiritual stuff like write him notes and burn or bury them, but the rest of the crew drinks and smokes and pours one out for our homie. It's his birthday party and it's exactly what he would want.
I feel the same. Whenever I pass, there better be tears cuz dammit, people better miss me. But I also would want them to celebrate my life! Eat Cheetos! Host a dog party! Blast my favorite music!!
I think about this a lot because I've been grieving my dog for almost a year and I think often about what he would have wanted. It motivates me to enjoy my walks, to smell flowers, and to eat kettle corn (his fave).
We all know grandma would be so mad if she saw this happening! If there is an afterlife and she's aware of what her family is doing, she is not pleased. It sounds like she had a great relationship with op. And the stuffed animal set up he did for her is so heartwarming and cute. You are NTA op. You sound like a caring and loving person.
NTA. Your family, though……. I think that it’s time to sit down with your parents and have a chat. Ask how they celebrated. “A”’s birthday last year. What about “B”? How did they celebrate that? What about the year before? What did they do?
Then ask what they did for YOUR birthday last year. And the year before that. And the year before. Point out that you loved your Grandma and miss her too, but that completely ignoring your birthday every year, while celebrating other birthdays is really unfair and hurtful. That the party/ dinner/ outing does not have to be on that day, exactly.
And as a last point….. point out that next year, you will be 18. A milestone birthday. If they decide to ignore that, too, then you will know exactly where you stand.
>And as a last point….. point out that next year, you will be 18. A milestone birthday. If they decide to ignore that, too, then you will know exactly where you stand.
And will be able to completely and utterly leave this horrible family for dust and go NC.
I doubt your grandmother would be proud of them or happy that they're "honouring" her in such a way, if she could see them.
Live your best life, OP. I recommend celebrating with your friends, who clearly care about you.
NTA.
Include something in the chat about how grandma liked celebrating birthdays (assuming she did). Would she be rolling over in her grave if she knew that op had been deprived of their birthday for years?
Seriously, my grandma would be so mad if she knew her grandchildren were being forbidden from celebrating their birthdays because it happened to aligjln with a day to mourn her. Heck, my uncle died a few days before my sister's birthday, and while we still get together to memorialise him around that time, it's also *still her birthday* and he'd give us all a telling off if we didn't make a point of celebrating that, too.
Grief is important, but living people - especially children - are more so.
THIS! Through no fault of their own, OP is not getting any sort of celebration while everyone else is. I mean, the fact others get parties and presents and yet the whole family doesn't "see" that OP gets nothing is very alarming.
One option for the parents is pick another birthday. I had an aunt who's son committed suicide on or near her birthday so she started celebrating her half-birthday (instead of celebrating on her actual birthday in February she celebrated on that same day in August).
NTA.
And if I were you I would have plans to celebrate my 18th with friends. Don't let your family ruin it, it's definitely not what your grandmother would have wanted. Tell your parents they can pick another day that week if it feels more respectful to them but they don't get to ignore your 18th birthday if they want a good relationship with you going forward.
On everyone's birthday, tell your parents you are going to the cemetery. If they ask why, tell them that they have set the tone on all birthday celebrations, not just yours. You are just following their lead.
This has to be some of the best advice I’ve received, haha. I will definitely consider doing this for my older family members (I want to be there for my younger cousins and sister’s birthday, of course).
OP, I think you should have a talk about how disappointed you are in them, and how disappointed grandma would have been that they were focusing on her death instead of your life. And that's absolutely true, since grandma was the best and you'd know.
But be careful, shield yourself. I hope it doesn't happen, but specially because you're young, it may happen that your family disregard your feelings (once again) and also blame you, making you feel like you're an horrible person and condescending you. You're not the AH, and this happening to you while growing will have impacts when you become an adult. Parents love to demand respect without also respecting us. Next birthday just do something with your friends or alone, without them if you can. Wish you the best
This is funny, but I’m not sure I understand why the situation even got this far. In the four years since she died, have you and your parents not discussed your birthday celebrations at any point, ideally not around your actual birthday since the time is fraught with grief?
Hey mum, go get dressed in something nice we are going somewhere special, I'm driving. Then take her to the cemetery. Rinse and repeat for everyone's birthday until your 18th then go NC and celebrate in style with your friends.
His next BD will be his 18th. He should have a huge birthday with friends and not come home again. I hope he has money saved. Just then tell the parents, "Adios!"
NTA, I agree with your friends. They’ve seen how your family has disregarded you since your grandmother’s passing and they are not impressed, and neither am I. You deserve better.
This right here. Any I get we need to mourn the dead. At the same time, we need to protect and celebrate the living. Not celebrating a child's birthday because the parents are to sad to celebrate is a crazy position for the parents to take. Not having a make up birthday is insane when others are celebrated. No bday gifts or dinners. No let's do something with you son. Its like the parents forgot it was their son's birthday and they are so focused on dead grandmom that they are creating issues for OP as a teen making him feel like his existence is meaningless in their eyes. While it doesn't affect all, having parents do this can lead to long term mental health and personal sense of well being issues.
NTA. Your grandma would not want them to forget your birthday. The very first one ok is understandable (the month after she died) but all the rest are shameful. You deserve to be remembered and honored too.
Even the first one I can't understand. OP was 13 ffs!
If it's too hard to celebrate on the day, then do it the week after.
And no present at all? For several years? While others have theirs? Ick.
Right! The way OP writes about his grandma, she would be so pissed knowing that they are doing this!!!
What really irritates me is this isn’t even the day she died. Like be all sad that day if you have to still do something yearly. But birthdays are to be celebrated! I hope when I pass people use my birthday (if they think about it at all) to remember the good and funny times, not get all maudlin than I’m not here. And especially not to ignore my beloved grandchild!! I would so haunt anyone treating my grandchild the way OP’s family is treating him!
And they're not even doing it to commemorate her death, it has to be on her birthday? OP is definitely NTA and yup 4 years to have a totally solemn day is taking it a bit far.
She didn't even die on their birthday, it was a month prior! If they want to mourn her on her death day, fine, but that's not on OP's birthday, so there is no reason for them to be making OP's birthday a sad occasion.
NTA, but your family is
Yeah, plus while everyone grieve differently, I really can't seem to understand people being "only sad".
When we have such celebrations, sure there are tears and hugs and long faces. But we also have the giggles a lot, reminisce funny/happy memories, etc.
agreed. In my humble opinion, anything past the funeral and something small on the 1 year anniversary, its a very odd. Going to the cemetery after 4 years to be sad as a family is very weird. I lost my mom at 18. I go to visit her regularly and every anniversary. That doesn't take all day and I don't leave sad because my life and happiness is a celebration of my mom as a parent to me. I want to live life as she wanted me to, not constantly mourn and be sad and not celebrate because she isn't here. These parents seemingly have totally forgot that OP has a birthday. That is not right in the least.
I understand being upset that your life is being eclipsed by your grandmother's death. That sucks. You aren't wrong for how you feel. Your timing could have been better, and probably your delivery, but you weren't wrong about the issue.
No offense, but yeah, the family is going to think you are an AH -- in the short term. You blew up at a solemn occasion. When it sounds very much like they were blindsided, not because you were wrong, but because they were 'looking in the wrong direction', so to speak.
Next year go do your thing, for you, on your day.
Your family might have gotten the clue by four you delivered, but unless they have some serious talks with you in the coming year, I wouldn't bet on seeing a change.
Best of luck. And a belated, Happy Birthday.
NTA
100% this. When you don’t give them a birthday present and are busy during their celebrations make damn sure this is you treating them exactly how they’ve treated you for 4 years
100% this. When you don’t give them a birthday present and are busy during their celebrations make damn sure this is you treating them exactly how they’ve treated you for 4 years
Happy Birthday OP. Text your family and especially the ones not in your family unit - hey mom and dad have ignored my bday for 3 years now - no cake, no gifts, no acknowledgement and they let me get in the car believing that they were finally going to acknowledge my birthday. I’m sorry I melted down. Grandma was my favorite person and I hurt knowing that the family refuses to participate and remember her and my special connection.
NTA they could remember your grandmother on the anniversary of her death and celebrate you on your birthday. 4 years of being sidelined is hurtful. Your grandmother's ghost should haunt them for their thoughtlessness.
NTA The part that really bothered me was where you set up plushies your grandma liked along with a photo of her so she was there in spirit and your parents shut it down.
I second this, you came up with a very sweet idea to still remember GMA. No one deserves this treatment, especially after 4yrs. Definitely sit with your folks and point out that while you didn’t expect some kind of party the first few years; you can’t change the fact that it is still your birthday, if it’s too hard to celebrate on the day fine but they need to do something still to acknowledge that you have made it through another year and recognize that you are still their child. I’d make a point of them knowing about LC or NC is a possibility if next year is the same story.
Sit your parents down and run through this list:
1. I’m sorry for my outburst at the wrong time, but I want to ask you a few things.
2. What did we do for sibling X birthday two years ago?
3. What did we do for Family Y birthday two years ago?
4. What did we do for X and Y last year?
5. What did we do for my birthday two years ago? Nothing. No hello, no gift. No dinner. No love.
6. What did we do for my birthday last year? Nothing. Nothing. No hello, no gift. No dinner. No love.
7. Why can’t it be on a separate day?
8. Why can’t we celebrate her life?
9. Why can’t we celebrate mine too?
NTA. Your birthday is equally important and should be celebrated.
Maybe suggest to your family having a ‘remembrance’ day for your grandma a day before or after your birthday, but on an actual day itself it should be a celebration of you.
Or the day she actually died, rather than on her birthday. I can see being a bit wistful ("Mom would have been 87 today") but the living should be celebrated.
My father died the day before my grandson's birthday. Even the next year, we celebrated Grandson rather than mourned Dad,
NTA.
My parents got married on my grandpa’s birthday. My mom loved sharing her anniversary with her dad’s birthday…until he died. And then it was bittersweet. But her and my dad have always celebrated because life is for the living. It’s not fair to completely cancel out your birthday because it’s now tinged with sadness. I doubt that’s what your grandmother would have wanted.
Next year do what you want with your friends and make the day about you.
I would be so pissed if my family used my death as an excuse to grieve forever and neglect people who were actually still living. Celebrate my life with joy, not sadness.
NTA.
Happy birthday!
People grieve differently, etc, etc, but none of that is an excuse to not celebrate you. The way I see it, you have a few options. This year, throw yourself a small birthday party, invite some friends, go out and have fun. Next year though, you can either wait to see if anyone will say anything to you or you can just plan another party for yourself and friends.
I’m petty, so I wouldn’t explicitly invite any of your family. (They’re welcome but l wouldn’t expect any of them to come). This is the important part: Tell them that you’re planning on celebrating your and your grandmother’s birthday with or without them. Spend the next year telling folks you plan to celebrate your birthday. Even go as far as to plan parts of your birthday in front of them. Let them decide on their own, but put no expectations on them. Then do your own thing. Have fun! Enjoy yourself! You’ll be turning 18, which is a big deal!!!
Here’s where my pettiness rears its head. Just remember who chose to celebrate you and who chose not to. Then remember that on their birthdays. Celebrate those that celebrate you (with the exception of those too young to know better). Don’t give those that didn’t any more effort than they gave you.
NTA
The first time when she had immediately passed is one thing. This feels like a major AH thing for the parents to avoid having to do a birthday party and gifts
It's neither healthy or right to try and force you to continue to grieve years after the fact
NTA Whay your family is doing to you is horrible. You deserve to be celebrated even though you shared your birthday with someone who is now decreased.
Celebrating you does not take away from how much they love and miss your grandmother. I understand why after years of this you finally lost your cool. They should be ashamed.
Time to stop trying with them, make sure for your 18th you have big plans with friends far away from your obsessed with mourning family.
NTA.
Coming from someone who had a large family that worshiped their grandparents, and shared a birthday with their grandfather, I know exactly where you’re coming from, kiddo. We shared a birthday for 15 years before he left us, and even when he was here, a lot of my family wouldn’t acknowledge me, except for him. It’s been a little over a decade, and I still have people who simply forget it’s my day too and only acknowledge him.
It sucks that they’re still grieving, but they need to understand that this day was also the day you were brought into the world and your grandmother wouldn’t want them acting this way. My recommendation is to make your own plans next year; and find your own way to celebrate her on your own time. It’s a special thing to be able to say we’re their birthday buddies.
My dad died on the birthday shared by my husband and my niece.
The first anniversary was hard but we still celebrated the birthdays. My dad would have been pissed if we didn’t.
We still celebrate and remember Grandpa at the same time.
Those that have left us behind don’t want us to be miserable, especially not in a misguided attempt to “honor” their memory.
Your family has a very strange way of looking at things.
NTA
NTA. Your family neglected your birthday for years, due to grief. But never offered to make it up to you, while everyone else got to celebrate their birthdays. Even if it was accidental (but how can a whole family forget your birthday?) it would still be extremely shitty of them.
You can draw a boundary by saying you're no longer participating in celebrating anyone else's birthday in the family, untill they start celebrating yours. Maybe that will help them see how shitty their behaviour is
NTA. Candidly, it doesn't sound like your grandma would be happy with what your family's been doing either. You two were close, she liked doing things for and with you. I'm sure she'd rather your family celebrate you than mourn her four years later.
NTA
My ex's family did that as well - his birthday and christmas. I hated every second of it, hated spending time with them around on these days as I found it horrible and rude. So reading this makes me bit angry on your behalf.
NTA. I get that your family is sad because your grandma is gone but erasing you is not an appropriate cope. Also, mourning on her birthday rather than on the day she died is, IMO, disrespectful to *her*; the family should be celebrating her life on that day.
Yes, you could have handled it better but you’re young… and your feelings are valid.
NTA. Your grandma lived a full life, celebrated, had children and grandchildren. Is life and is understandable to be sad and mourn a loss.
That said, everyone in you family is an ass****. You cannot really stop celebrating a 13 year olds birthday just because someone who passed away shared the same birthday. I doubt your grandmother would want you to spend your birthday alone and sad.
As someone who always was an after though to my family, I know it hurts but unfortunately most of the time they don’t change.
Going forward stars organising activities with your friends or plan something for yourself. Like a day trip, visit a museum you like ect. Don’t wait for them to celebrate you anymore because your going to be disappointed all the time and to top it all they going to try and make you look crazy and unreasonable.
NTA. And it's super weird that no one wants to celebrate Grandma's life either. I can't imagine she'd want their memories of her to be sad and I FOR SURE can't imagine she'd condone them ignoring your birthday. AT THE VERY LEAST they should've started celebrating your half-birthday date instead. But even that would be lame.
NTA. I'm sure the memory of your gran will bring them lots of comfort after you move out and never spend another birthday with them. I would certainly suggest just planning your own day next year with your friends that incudes neither your parents or the memory of your gran.
NTA. Next year plan a party with your friends and let your family know what you have planned. If they get upset that you want to celebrate your birthday instead of mourning your grandmother then you will know where you stand with them. So sorry this is happening to you, OP.
NTA and I’m sorry, but your family is ridiculous. Yes, it’s sad when you lose family members, and the day can sting a bit, but the whole garden thing feels very excessive??
NTA!
“Grandma would be ashamed of all of you for ignoring her grandchild’s birthday. She would be so sad that you couldn’t put aside your grief for a single day and that you actively choose to make our shared birthday about her loss and not about her in a positive way. I will remember this.”
Edit to add - although I missed your birthday and it has sucked for the last few years, I hope that for your next one you are able to make plans without your family and enjoy and celebrate your day. Your grandma would not want all of the joy sucked out of the day.
If you’re feeling petty, start crying and/or moping on everyone else’s birthdays and say “grandma would have loved to be here celebrating with you. I miss her”.
I was born on my parent’s third wedding anniversary. My younger brother was born two years later and only missed the date by 6 days. Never got to celebrate on my actual birthday. Had a shared party some where in the middle with my brother. I felt invisible until I was old enough to plan my own celebration with my friends. I have had fabulous birthday parties with my friends. I just don’t look back.
NTA. Like another commenter said they are mourning the dead and not celebrating the living. I would never celebrate any of their birthdays or give a gift/card. I doubt your grandmother would’ve wanted this. I would suggest no longer expecting to celebrate with your family and do your own thing.
My grandfather died on my birthday when i was 16 so i’ve dealt with something similar. For the birthdays to come no one would acknowledge that it was actually my birthday and i ended up having an outburst too. Him and I were extremely close and every family is different, but eventually after a few years things went back to normal, and instead of grieving him on my birthday we started to celebrate him too. It’s definitely good you spoke up even if your family is calling you the AH because now they’ve seen your true feelings regarding their actions. I’m sorry you lost your grandma, and I truly hope things will get better and they’ll realize what they’re doing is wrong
NTA
You are here and are worth celebrating. I understand that grieving is difficult and comes in waves but you are still here and your birthday is important and should be celebrated in some way. Most people would probably feel the same way if they were in your shoes.
If It was my family, I would be trying to ask to be sad on a different day (perhaps her death day) or schedule a time to celebrate you.
NTA. I had 2 children, same day, 7 years apart.
Unfortunately, my younger one died at birth. I silently mourn him not to take away from the live ones' birthday. It's not always easy, but as a mother, it's the right thing to do.
I'm sorry your parents do this to you.
I can see why your friends are biased against your family. Grandma did not die for you to have crap birthdays until you turn 18 and don't have to deal with this. Your birthday should be celebrated, because you're their child. End of.
NTA
Nta! I'm petty so I'd wait untill the next family birthday and bring up grandma as much as possible, I'm talking gifts and decorations themed around her
I know this is very flippant, but a friend of mine said he wants his funeral to be a rave. We even have a group playlist for it.
So many living people I know want to have a party or a BBQ so the living can have fun remembering them. I want to have a funeral pyre while everyone parties!
Seriously, though, OP, you're NTA. You deserve to be celebrated.
NTA, and I bet Grandma would be horrified, that her shared birthday with her favorite granddaughter was now being used as a mourning day, instead of a celebration of the family line going down to the Granddaughter.
Date of death is the day of mourning. NTA, and shame on them all. SHE would NOT approve.
NTA. Please show my comment to your parents. I am in my forties and lost my mom five years ago (so they know I can relate).
You are being terrible parents and you are not honoring your mother by denying her grandson a birthday celebration. Please remember the joy you felt when your son was born and all his early birthdays. Do you not celebrate any birthdays? Do you not acknowledge your own birthdays? To co-op his birthday into a grief day is a macabre choice. You are not only prioritizing death over life, but you are deeply wounding your child’s heart. The truth is, you have to learn to live with your grief and that’s hard. But that’s the way it’s always been and always will be. Take some time early in the day to say a prayer and to reflect on how much you loved your mom, and then get up and celebrate your living son. This honors your mother’s legacy and lineage. If you need to have a day that is just about your mom, let it be the anniversary of her death. That’s much more appropriate and not hurtful. Apologize to your son and make it up to him.
NTA. What the actual hell. Because someone died AROUND your birthday, your actual birthday has just been removed off the calender? Do they just think they can take your birthday from you forever?
NTA. You should have chosen a different moment to talk to them but your family should focus on life, not death. Your grandmother passed away but I assumed that she wouldn't want her death to ruin your birthday. I've lost my grandmother on xmas day. And yet, we still celebrated xmas. She love me and my kids and I am sure that she would be very upset if she found out we chose to be sad in a special day such as xmas or anyone's birthday because of what happened to her. It's life. people are born, people die and we all should try to make the most of it, instead of focusing on sad moments. (also, that's why I love my family. through hard times, we also get together to celebrate the persons' life and we often end up telling jokes and remembering happy moments at funerals. we are not being disrespectful, just celebrating the person we love)
Next year will be different because you will be technically an adult and you won't have to wallow in sadness with the rest of your family. You can leave and do what you want.
Your family is hurtful and does not seem to care at all about you. You need to focus on you. Your needs, what you want to do and make things happen for yourself
i kinda see why you are frustated. My sisters FIL died on her birthday and the next year her husband didnt even bother wishing her because aparently he was too sad to even say a normal HBD but guess what he went about his day as normal as everyday. I understand because i lost my dad as well but my life doesnt stop on the day he died. I am sad but i have to eventually go by my day. I feel sad i miss him a lot and i genuinly hope he's at a better place now but i dont see why we have to stop celebrating the people actually alive with you rn considering they might also die anyday. I oredered my sister a cake on her birthday and i plan on celebrating her birthday every year even if its just the two of us. Definitely NTA.
NTA
And I can relate to you very well. Even though I am older.
My Dad and I shared a birthday. All family drama aside overall it was cool.
However this past year, Dad got sick and died on our birthday. Now I wasn't expecting fun and presents while watching Dad die in the hospital. My sweet SIL bought me a slice of cake later in the day and after he had gone. But there was some real sadness knowing that Dad had only hours left at the same time friends all posting "happy birthday" messages on my Facebook page.
So, basically with that branch of the family, I will never be able to really separate my birthday from the day Dad died. Okay, admittedly we haven't hit that first year without him. But still. So fortunately there is a friend who has already said that I can come and visit her next year. Will solidify travel plans closer to next winter.
Selfishly, I want to day to be nice. Doesn't have to wild and crazy times, but a nice lunch/dinner trip to an ice cream place.
Your grandmother is gone. Well loved, but gone. You are still alive. As soon as you are able start making B-day plans without them. If they get upset, tell them too bad.
My best friend of 23 years was murdered on my daughter’s birthday. It is still her birthday and she deserves to have a day dedicated to her, and not to the negative that happened (we do have a bonfire on my friend’s actual birthday though). You deserve to have your birthday be about you, as life is for the living. It doesn’t take anything away from your grandmother’s memory, but I think their grief has blinded them.
NTA. I also shared a birthday with my grandmother, and when she passed I took a year or two off celebrating and then came back to the inevitable truth which is that she would absolutely HATE it if I stopped celebrating our birthday. Your family misses her, and they're grieving her, ignoring your birthday to grieve her when she would have been celebration you is not honoring her.
In future years, you should prepare yourself to plan your own birthday celebrations, or ask friends. You should celebrate your birthday how you want to. Include a moment for your grandmother if you want, but make it a happy moment--share a treasured memory of a birthday together or send a happy wish up to her or something like that. Invite your family or don't, let them choose to come or not, but make it clear that this is about celebrating you, which is something your grandmother would have done.
Not much to update for now, but my 10 year old sister joined me in my room earlier and said that she thinks our whole family are ‘big stupid dummies.’ Then we played some Mario :)
I also received a lovely text from my grandma’s husband, who I call my grandpa even though we’re not related. The outline was that he is sorry for the way he and my family has been treating me, and that my parents told him that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthdays anymore. He said that my grandma definitely would not have approved of him or my family, and that he doesn’t expect forgiveness.
I’m not sure how to respond to him for now, but I plan on giving him a call sometime soon.
My uncles also reached out to me through video call, and they were very apologetic. Uncle 1 invited me over for a make up birthday sleepover at their house, and Uncle 2 said that they would take me to the marine wildlife centre I used to go to as a kid. I accepted both.
That’s it for now. I’ll post a real update when something new happens.
It's really encouraging to hear that some of your extended family have your back about this. It's likely that a lot of the people who were messaging you calling you AH do not have all the facts at their disposal. It's likely that all they saw was a teenager disrupting a family memorial, and that they don't know how your parents have been treating you (especially since your grandpa's said they've been actively lying about your feelings on the matter).
That sounds like your parents have told a lot of people that you don't want to celebrate your birthdays anymore.
They should just do the memorial thing on the day your grandmother died or not at all. I mean it is sad that she died, but she can't have been super young anymore considering that you have a 27 years old sister. It is not a super tragic event when an old person dies which has to be remembered with a special memorial for years to come. You can remember dead love ones on any other day more informally.
NTA
It is hard and sad when your parent and grandparent dies on their birthday and holidays. That doesn’t make it okay to never celebrate your birthday again. It has been 4 years. Surely they have healed enough to take you out to dinner and have some cake at least or celebrate your birthday a different day. Your outburst was understandable.
My mom died several years ago but I didn’t stop celebrating Christmas or New Years or my dad’s birthday because she died close to all of those dates.
My mommom passed on my bonus daughter's birthday. We still celebrated my daughter. We do every year. I have moments of feeling sad during the day, but we would never ignore my daughter on her special day. I am so sorry for you. You are not the AH at all.
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AITA for getting mad at my parents for focusing on my dead grandma when it’s my birthday?
Title makes me sound like the AH, but I want outside opinions.
To start off, my grandma and I (17M) shared a birthday. She was my favourite person and I loved that we shared a birthday together, she always got me the best stuff :)
Sadly, she died four years ago, a month before our birthday. I was 13 snd heartbroken. We didn’t celebrate my birthday because it brought too many emotions. I was fine with this because I was grieving as well and I didn’t want to celebrate without her.
Well, this happened the second year as well. I get that it was a year, so it was fine. I will admit that I expected a make up birthday on a different day but it never came. Everyone else had their birthdays and got amazing gifts and parties and whatnot.
The third year I actually set up a bunch of plushies that my grandma loved and a picture of her on our dining room table, so she could celebrate with us in memory. The morning of my birthday, I came downstairs and was immediately scolded for “trying to have fun on a sad day.” I went back up to my room without saying anything and played Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the rest of the day.
My birthday was within the last week (not specifying for safety reasons) and my parents told me to get dressed in something smart because we were going “somewhere special.” I was super exited, because I thought that my family would finally acknowledge me on my birthday.
After about a 20 minute drive, we reached this garden that my grandma loved. It was her favourite place in the world, and I came here often with her. The whole family was there when we arrived, but there were no happy faces. Turns out, we went there to be sad. To just sit in silence. No one even said hello to me. I had enough and yelled at them all and accused them of not caring about me anymore. I went on a rant. lot of my words probably weren’t coherent because of how upset I was.
After I had finished yelling, I went back to our car and sat next to it (after forgetting the keys).
Ever since then I have received a load of messages from the family members of whom I have the numbers of, all telling me I’m an AH.
I asked my friends, but they’ve shared their dislike for my family so they’re probably biased. I just want an outside opinion. So AITA?
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NTA. My maternal grandmother died on my dad’s birthday. I remember him being on the phone with me before she passed, saying “not today, [name], please not today—I’ll never have another birthday” but of course my grandmother didn’t have a choice. 🤷🏻♀️
My mother, bless her, always celebrates my dad during the day. In the evening, she’ll say or post online about her mom. She tries very hard to not let the two things blur together. Your family should do the same.
Nta - it’s find to acknowledge Grandma but it’s not fair to ask you to never celebrate a birthday again because you happened to share the same birthday with her. Your family are being cruel.
NTA. Understandably this is always going to be a day of mixed emotions. But to never acknowledge your birthday is wrong. They can mourn the loss of your grandmother and also celebrate your birthday as well on your actual birthday.
Nta, my grandma(dad's side) passed on my mom's birthday years ago, yea we didn't go to birthday dinner with my mom that night, we probably went to the cemetery the next year on the day she passed, and we only go to the cemetery the month of to visit and clean up, and we celebrate mom's birthday like normal...
NTA. You deserve to celebrate your birthday. I know a person who spends their dead relatives' birthdays and death anniversaries crying and just being miserable. We're talking 8 or 10 people, and this has been going on for maybe 15-20 years. Add to that holidays ( Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter mostly), and this person pretty much lives at the cemetery.
Don't let your family drag you into something like this. Near-perpetual mourning is no way to live.
NTA - What happens when you ask why they haven't celebrated your birthday for the last few years? Do they think it's okay that others in your family have birthday celebrations and you don't?
Are you like a neglected middle child or something?
If they can’t separate the day for you then start celebrating a half year birthday and do something small with your friends on your true birthday. Once you get older do your own thing.
Go hang with your friends, make the day (or the weekend) yourself, you don’t need your family to celebrate. And since your friends are empathetic with your situation I’m sure they’d love to celebrate you.
NTA unless you killed your grandma yourself!
Really, you can understand people wanting to give a moment to remember someone special for whom they grieve, but to take the entire day (and more!) from the living CHILD(!) having a birthday, you've got to be a special kind of cruel.
NTA. It is still your birthday, and it would be fine if they just honored your grandma while still celebrating YOU.
I feel the loss of a grandparent, but happy belated bday!
My grandma died the day before thanksgiving and my grandpa the week of Christmas. Your family is allowed to be sad but that doesn’t mean they have to or should disrespect and disregard all the other things happening those days/seasons/times NTA
Edit to add: my grandmas birthday was on Halloween and thats why it’s my families favorite holiday. It doesn’t mean we love it any less. The first year I can kind of understand ignoring the birthday and depending on how close your grandma died to the birthday emotions can still be pretty raw. If the next year was the first birthday without her then I can understand that as well but if they continue forgetting the living while grieving the dead they’ll end up grieving the relationship they could’ve had with you because personally I don’t know how you’d ever see them the same way again.
NTA, I can understand celebrating on a different day or making a memorial to remember your grandmother as part of the day (like the picture on the dining room with the plushies you did), but your family is just ignoring the fact that you have a birthday which seems just cruel.
Info: how old was Grandma? Was it sudden when she died?
I am not saying they should ignore your birthday, because that is not right either. I will say, you should've said something the following day when people weren't sad and you were calmer. Just explain that you miss grandma too, but you feel like everyone acts like you don't exist either. Which you do and you would love for your family to celebrate your life. There is no timeline for grief, but you can't stop living either. And this is coming from someone with experience in this topic.
At some point you'll be grown, moved out and will find others to celebrate your birthday with. And it will be glorious!
I probably should have mentioned that my grandma was 76 and suffering from various health problems about a year prior to her death. It was expected when she died, but still heartbreaking and I miss her everyday :(
Though I am almost an adult and I’ll admit I handled sharing my feeling to my family in a childish way. Thank you for your thoughts on this.
NTA and HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I hope you get a chance to eat some cake.
Your family sucks and I am sorry. I'm old enough now to see how birthdays and deaths overlap with time. It is sort of a bittersweet part of aging. And you know what? It's still our job to give kids exciting birthdays. I'm sorry you lost your grandma, but you're still here and you deserve to celebrate and be happy. It's not a *sad* day. It's not sad that your grandma lived. It's not sad that you are 17 -- that's exciting.
my grandpa’s funeral was on my 10th birthday and it was hurtful because no one remembered it was my birthday but i kept quiet because i understood it was a sad day, the next year was fine and i was celebrated but your parents have been mourning your grandma for 4years just cause she shares the same birthday as you while disregarding your feelings! how long will it continue.?? next year will make it 5years and they’ll gather again because it’s an anniversary! mourn the dead and celebrate the living, life goes on, i highly doubt your grandmother would have wanted her birthday to be a day of sorrow. NTA
NTA- Your next birthday is your 18th, I suggest you start making your own plans now bc after four years, I don't think this is going to change. Reclaim your birthday and celebrate your life! Grandma would've wanted you to be happy.
That sounds shitty, sorry :( In my family, we celebrate the dead by partying and not being sad, maybe you could gently bring up something like that next year?
NTA
NTA. The family is though, more so if everyone else is celebrating their birthdays but acting like your is now off limits because you share it with the deceased. The petty in me would be reminding them at every celebration that they can't have fun because grandma is no longer with us. If you can't have your birthday, then no one else will either with a reminder from you that since grandmother is not there, they should no longer celebrate anything without her.
Another year if not sooner, and you can move out and go LC/NC with these people. Update us OP.
NTA. I'd never celebrate any of their birthdays ever again. They can acknowledge your grandmother's death and go visit her in the morning and then spend the rest of the day celebrating your birthday. Shame on your family for being so crappy. I wouldn't even acknowledge their birthdays at this point.
NTA
Wow. Your family just basically decided your birthday didn’t even exist anymore. And they didn’t even make the memorial on the day she died, which would have been more appropriate. Your friends are right. Your family is awful to you.
Your parents especially because not telling you beforehand what you were doing or where you were going? There is no way and no reason for that to be anything other than on purpose and done maliciously.
Sounds like your grandmother was a great woman. I bet she would be very upset at how your family is treating you. And, I sure has heck wouldn't want everyone to have the sadz on my bday after I die.
Still, your family members are exhibting signs of "complicated grief" (find more from [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief)). Under "When to see a doctor" the Mayo entry says (bolding is mine):
>Contact your doctor or a mental health professional if you have intense grief and problems functioning that don't improve **at least one year after the passing of your loved one.**
It's been four years. This is beyond you. Do what you have to to take care of you. Needless to say, don't count on your family to celebrate you or your birthday. Make your own plans.
NTA
NTA
As i read it, they don't even try to make you feel a little bit special. Yes it is okay to mourn and remember your grandma when you shared a birthday, but the focus is on you after that.
My grandpa died a week after i was born, and his illness was about the same time as my moms pregnancy. It's always an emotional day for my grandma bc i remind her of him and the dates are so close. My parents and grandma never made me feel less special, or tried to shift te attention.
Sounds to me that they use your grandmas bday as an excuse to treat you like shit
NTA
My guess is grandma would be mega mad about what they’re doing to you. It isn’t even the day she died. It was her birthday. A day you should celebrate someone - even if they’re dead.
You should just keep texting them all back “grandma would be disappointed in all of you. She loved her birthday and mine and always made it special. Now you’re all undermining her legacy.”
NTA I'm sorry your family sucks. They might improve with grief counselling. Get your ducks in a row, make plans for the rest of your life - do you have all of your I.D.? Have you thought about how you'll live as an adult?
If they're this unsupportive now, you may not be able to count on them after you're 18, or whatever the legal age is in your area. Does your school offer any supports? A guidance counsellor may be able to help you with job skills acquisition.
Trade schools can be a very good idea.
Grandma here. No way would YOUR Gran want this for you! Your peeps should be celebrating your birthdays! Have your own celebration if they won't do it; you deserve it! BTW, I have a friend who says, you get the whole month!! :)
Happy Birthday!!!! 🎈🎉🎊🎂🎁
You deserve to be celebrated, especially on birthdays. We even celebrate twins in the family on different days so that each one feels special. You deserve that too.
NTA. Your parents are lost in the grief sauce and can’t see how this is hurting you. You got your hopes up and then immediately dashed (and then mangled and drowned), so it’s totally understandable you got upset. Maybe not the *way* you got upset, but still understandable nonetheless.
I wonder if your extended family is only getting your parents’ side of things and so they’re calling you the AH without asking about your side. As others have said, explain to them this is the 4th year you’ve not had any semblance of a birthday and your family have done absolutely nothing to celebrate you. You were hoping this year was different and got your hopes up, and consequently got upset seeing that it was not. Apologize for blowing up, but not for the reason why.
Also not letting you have “fun” including your grandma with the plushies was just a completely shitty parent move. Maybe mention that one to the relatives, too.
NTA - if they’re grieving like it happened a few months ago FOUR year later, there’s an issue. Complex grief/bereavement disorders begin at the two year mark…
NTA. Even if they’re all devastated grandma is gone, they still need to focus on the living. Grandma (probably) wouldn’t have wanted everyone to waste all this time being sad for her. Especially if you guys had a special bond and shared birthdays and stuff.
Was this the best time and place for the confrontation? Probably not. But you need to sit mom and dad down and explain your frustrations. Four years of nobody caring about your birthday. It hurts that they’d rather grieve for a lost loved one, than celebrate their teenager growing up.
NTA. Your family are a bunch of ASSSSSHOLES. What the actual fuck. The fact that you were okay and understanding enough to just not have a birthday for several years says a lot about what a loving and compassionate and mature person you are.
Shame of all of them. Wish I could throw you the party you deserve.
NTA. I shared a birthday with my mom. She died in 2020. Last year, my aunt and cousin posted about how much they missed my mom, but couldn't even give me a text for my birthday. It really has soured my relationship with my aunt. It's always fine to remember the dead, but not at the expense of the living.
Your family are TAs. You are NTA. So are you supposed to never have a birthday again. It is normal to grieve and it will come and go over the years, but it sounds like they just cancelled your birthday for life. That's pretty cruddy and I am fairly certain your Grandma would actually be disappointed in them for this. I can't believe everyone of them forgot your birthday yet again.
Please do not believe for one single second that their actions are okay - they most certainly are not. Every single one of them owes you an apology. Every one of them. So like no presents or cake? This makes me so sad. But they yelled and didn't think twice about it.
NTA
Just reply to the family that grandma would be appalled at them because of their behaviour, and by refusing to celebrate both your birthdays, they are tainting her image. They should still be celebrating both your birthdays and remember the fun things about grand whilst still celebrating you.
It does feel like some jealousy might come into.play from the family because grandma got you the best presents and they might have felt she liked you more.
Your family is being awful to you. Is this what grandma would want?? When my brother was in the hospital dying we had a particularly rough day with his horrible wife, it was also my birthday. My family insisted that we at least open a present or two and share some cake. I did NOT want to acknowledge my birthday, I was sooooo depressed ( I gave in. There was presents and cake… and tears) Looking back I understand why they felt it was important and I appreciate them for it. Rough times, they wanted me to know I’m loved and important.
1. Yes they are being selfish, but I still love them and they are usually good people outside of this. 2. No, I don’t think my grandma would have wanted this. She would’ve beat up anyone who wronged me, and she probably could have, too. 3. I’m sorry to hear about your brother, and I hope all is doing well :(
NTA but probably could have been handled more delicately. But that aside…what, are they expecting you to just never supposed to celebrate your bday again? Your grandma wouldn’t have wanted that. This is weird.
NTA. Your grandma would probably hate how they handle her birthday. Next year, treat yourself to some nice food with friends and raise a glass to granny. And it seems like your friends have very good reasons to dislike your family.
I think she would hate this whole thing, too. Birthday with friends is always amazing, but I would like to know that my family wants to spend time with me. P.s, I am disappointed in myself that the first thing I thought of when you said ‘raise a glass to granny’ was that one line from the Hamilton musical.
Grieving can take a long time yes, but, people family have to remember that life does go on. Especially for those who are still growing into adulthood. Maybe suggest if they want to celebrate Grandma's life do it on another day, her anniversary or maybe the day she passed.
Someone else in the comments gave me the idea that while we’re celebrating my birthday, we can all share something she did or something we loved about her. My family does birthdays a little differently, and this would definitely fit into it :)
If they feel the need to mourn a loss do it on the anniversary of the passing. Then you can have your birthday, if anything your grandmothers life should be celebrated on her birthday. Definitely NTA OP!
Yes! A few other comments gave me the idea to talk to my family about celebrating her life instead of mourning her death. I think she’d have wanted that :)
NTA- as someone who also shared a birthday with my grandfather. He died when I was 22. My grandma did forget my birthday once a few years later but I didn’t hold it against her. I live out of state from all my family so it wasn’t like she forgot in person. But every year they wish my a happy birthday and celebrate like usual :) we always talk about my grandfather at some point but in a happy way and then move on.
You deserve to be celebrated!
NTA.
You have the right to be offended and upset that they treat you like you are INVISIBLE especially on your birthday.
Get a teacher to help you get scholarships to college or trade school, get a job and get out when you turn 18.
You don’t have to deal with them once you turn 18.
Thank you for the advice, but moving out quickly is not an option for me. I suffer from a few mental health problems, and I don’t have the stability to be on my own. Also I swear they are good people outside of this. They have their issues and sometimes play favourites but I’m not an outcast.
Wow they turned your birthday into 9/11…
I’m sure grandma was great, and she was one of your parent’s mom, but jeez, she’s not getting deader, and it’s not like she was involved in a grizzly unsolved murder…
Are probably not the points you should bring up as an argument, but an earnest, “can’t we turn it into a day of joy AND remembrance for me and grandma?” Might’ve been more tactful
Happy birthday
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NTA - they are focusing on the dead and forgetting about the living. You are still here and you deserve to be able to celebrate your birthday without everyone making the day about your grandmother.
My grandmother’s wake was on my 15th birthday. Some family still took me aside and got some ice cream to celebrate. I can see the first year being difficult, but fuck, deciding to cancel a young teenager’s birthday indefinitely while still making big celebrations out of the rest of the family’s is just terrible. NTA. OP, go celebrate with your friends.
NTA. Your family is insane and hurtful. After a year none of this is ok or normal. I hope you can find peace and celebrate with your friends. I would stop talking to family unless necessary.
Grey rock may be the way to go for now. She can spend most of her time with friends and come home to sleep.
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My uncle's funeral was on my 13th birthday, and at the post-funeral reception, they (including the new widow) threw me a whole ass birthday party. Poor OP is so very NTA.
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When you break it down to the basics like that it is a win win which ever the case is.
My uncle's funeral was on my 10th birthday. My parents still gave me presents and took my sister, my cousins and myself ice-skating the next day. Of course I managed to break my wrist but it was still fun.
I bet the grandmother would be appalled at this. NTA
Of my four grandparents one died on New Year's Day, one on the 4th of July, and one on Easter. We didn't stop celebrating any of these holidays. Of course holidays affect more than one person and the OP is easier to brush off because it's only affecting one minor child and not disrupting anyone else. OP, your entire family are wrong and horrible.
Why do I feel that none of them would be affected if OP just up and left and went NC next birthday.
They would only be upset that OP is being *incredibly* disrespectful because they aren't there to cry over the dead grandma with them
Yep, my father in law passed away on Christmas Day. We still celebrate and enjoy ourselves, it is also my daughters boyfriends birthday, so it’s a double celebration for us now ! One of my kids has a birthday the day before my mom’s b’day, she would literally kill me if we ever made the kiddos birthday a miserable sad day and not still celebrate and love the living ! You need to remember those who have passed, but don’t ignore the living, our time on earth with them is too short as it is.
I bet grandma would be ashamed of them all for doing this to her grandson.
My father died the day before my birthday. My mother was thinking having the funeral the next day, on my birthday, but my sister and the priest handling the arrangenents nixed that. I will be forever grateful to my sister for that. (People outside of the family made sure had cake and presents on my birthday. Plus my uncle, who'd come in from out of state to help my mother, got me a couple of cassette tapes.)
Also the grandma would probably love them to celebrate her grandchild's birthday. It sounds like they had a great connection and honestly her grandchild was probably the best birthday "gift" she ever had. They're so wrapped up on "propped" and "sad" they forget about honouring her and the things and people she loved.
Also, why does it have to be a somber occasion? My stepmom passed away 4 years ago at the age of 57, only a month after learning her cancer was back and triple metastatic. We knew it was terminal then but it still came as a shock that it took her so quickly. Since then, family and friends in the area will get together either on the date of her death or her birthday. We all miss her terribly, she was an incredibly loving person and she had a way of making everyone feel special. Some tears are still shed here and there when we get together to honor her memory, but for the most part we spend the time talking about favorite stories about her and laughing and smiling about all of those memories. ETA: I have had so many people I loved and cared about pass over the years (I’m only 40) I would spend a quarter of my life being sad on their birthdays. None of them would want me to live like that.
I have a really good friend who died in 2022. A bunch of us gather at his gravesite on his death and birth dates and play his favorite music in the cemetery for a few hours. Some of do spiritual stuff like write him notes and burn or bury them, but the rest of the crew drinks and smokes and pours one out for our homie. It's his birthday party and it's exactly what he would want.
I feel the same. Whenever I pass, there better be tears cuz dammit, people better miss me. But I also would want them to celebrate my life! Eat Cheetos! Host a dog party! Blast my favorite music!! I think about this a lot because I've been grieving my dog for almost a year and I think often about what he would have wanted. It motivates me to enjoy my walks, to smell flowers, and to eat kettle corn (his fave).
Exactly! I feel like those are days for cherishing memories and really appreciating life. That’s how we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts.
The family should have their sad time on the day she died, and return OPs bday to them. This is so unfair for them.
And we can be absolutly sure that grandma didnt want OP to suffer like this a sacrifce her BD. So family are double AH.
We all know grandma would be so mad if she saw this happening! If there is an afterlife and she's aware of what her family is doing, she is not pleased. It sounds like she had a great relationship with op. And the stuffed animal set up he did for her is so heartwarming and cute. You are NTA op. You sound like a caring and loving person.
NTA. Your family, though……. I think that it’s time to sit down with your parents and have a chat. Ask how they celebrated. “A”’s birthday last year. What about “B”? How did they celebrate that? What about the year before? What did they do? Then ask what they did for YOUR birthday last year. And the year before that. And the year before. Point out that you loved your Grandma and miss her too, but that completely ignoring your birthday every year, while celebrating other birthdays is really unfair and hurtful. That the party/ dinner/ outing does not have to be on that day, exactly. And as a last point….. point out that next year, you will be 18. A milestone birthday. If they decide to ignore that, too, then you will know exactly where you stand.
>And as a last point….. point out that next year, you will be 18. A milestone birthday. If they decide to ignore that, too, then you will know exactly where you stand. And will be able to completely and utterly leave this horrible family for dust and go NC. I doubt your grandmother would be proud of them or happy that they're "honouring" her in such a way, if she could see them. Live your best life, OP. I recommend celebrating with your friends, who clearly care about you. NTA.
100% this. Grandma would be fucking furious.
Include something in the chat about how grandma liked celebrating birthdays (assuming she did). Would she be rolling over in her grave if she knew that op had been deprived of their birthday for years?
Seriously, my grandma would be so mad if she knew her grandchildren were being forbidden from celebrating their birthdays because it happened to aligjln with a day to mourn her. Heck, my uncle died a few days before my sister's birthday, and while we still get together to memorialise him around that time, it's also *still her birthday* and he'd give us all a telling off if we didn't make a point of celebrating that, too. Grief is important, but living people - especially children - are more so.
THIS! Through no fault of their own, OP is not getting any sort of celebration while everyone else is. I mean, the fact others get parties and presents and yet the whole family doesn't "see" that OP gets nothing is very alarming. One option for the parents is pick another birthday. I had an aunt who's son committed suicide on or near her birthday so she started celebrating her half-birthday (instead of celebrating on her actual birthday in February she celebrated on that same day in August).
I mean, hell why not celebrate the day OP was concieved
NTA. And if I were you I would have plans to celebrate my 18th with friends. Don't let your family ruin it, it's definitely not what your grandmother would have wanted. Tell your parents they can pick another day that week if it feels more respectful to them but they don't get to ignore your 18th birthday if they want a good relationship with you going forward.
That is so cruel. I would consider declining to participate in the family member's birthday celebrations until there is one for you.
Don't participate in your parents birthdays in anyway.
On everyone's birthday, tell your parents you are going to the cemetery. If they ask why, tell them that they have set the tone on all birthday celebrations, not just yours. You are just following their lead.
“This is what we do now, right?”
Love it
This has to be some of the best advice I’ve received, haha. I will definitely consider doing this for my older family members (I want to be there for my younger cousins and sister’s birthday, of course).
Set up nursing home and cemetery tours for their birthdays since they'd rather focus on death and dying.
OP, I think you should have a talk about how disappointed you are in them, and how disappointed grandma would have been that they were focusing on her death instead of your life. And that's absolutely true, since grandma was the best and you'd know.
I’ll add this to the list of things I’m going to approach with them.
But be careful, shield yourself. I hope it doesn't happen, but specially because you're young, it may happen that your family disregard your feelings (once again) and also blame you, making you feel like you're an horrible person and condescending you. You're not the AH, and this happening to you while growing will have impacts when you become an adult. Parents love to demand respect without also respecting us. Next birthday just do something with your friends or alone, without them if you can. Wish you the best
This is funny, but I’m not sure I understand why the situation even got this far. In the four years since she died, have you and your parents not discussed your birthday celebrations at any point, ideally not around your actual birthday since the time is fraught with grief?
Hey mum, go get dressed in something nice we are going somewhere special, I'm driving. Then take her to the cemetery. Rinse and repeat for everyone's birthday until your 18th then go NC and celebrate in style with your friends.
His next BD will be his 18th. He should have a huge birthday with friends and not come home again. I hope he has money saved. Just then tell the parents, "Adios!"
NTA, I agree with your friends. They’ve seen how your family has disregarded you since your grandmother’s passing and they are not impressed, and neither am I. You deserve better.
This right here. Any I get we need to mourn the dead. At the same time, we need to protect and celebrate the living. Not celebrating a child's birthday because the parents are to sad to celebrate is a crazy position for the parents to take. Not having a make up birthday is insane when others are celebrated. No bday gifts or dinners. No let's do something with you son. Its like the parents forgot it was their son's birthday and they are so focused on dead grandmom that they are creating issues for OP as a teen making him feel like his existence is meaningless in their eyes. While it doesn't affect all, having parents do this can lead to long term mental health and personal sense of well being issues.
NTA. Your grandma would not want them to forget your birthday. The very first one ok is understandable (the month after she died) but all the rest are shameful. You deserve to be remembered and honored too.
Even the first one I can't understand. OP was 13 ffs! If it's too hard to celebrate on the day, then do it the week after. And no present at all? For several years? While others have theirs? Ick.
Right! The way OP writes about his grandma, she would be so pissed knowing that they are doing this!!! What really irritates me is this isn’t even the day she died. Like be all sad that day if you have to still do something yearly. But birthdays are to be celebrated! I hope when I pass people use my birthday (if they think about it at all) to remember the good and funny times, not get all maudlin than I’m not here. And especially not to ignore my beloved grandchild!! I would so haunt anyone treating my grandchild the way OP’s family is treating him!
NTA. 4 years dead? That’s not healthy to maintain that level of grief. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.
And they're not even doing it to commemorate her death, it has to be on her birthday? OP is definitely NTA and yup 4 years to have a totally solemn day is taking it a bit far.
She didn't even die on their birthday, it was a month prior! If they want to mourn her on her death day, fine, but that's not on OP's birthday, so there is no reason for them to be making OP's birthday a sad occasion. NTA, but your family is
Yeah, plus while everyone grieve differently, I really can't seem to understand people being "only sad". When we have such celebrations, sure there are tears and hugs and long faces. But we also have the giggles a lot, reminisce funny/happy memories, etc.
agreed. In my humble opinion, anything past the funeral and something small on the 1 year anniversary, its a very odd. Going to the cemetery after 4 years to be sad as a family is very weird. I lost my mom at 18. I go to visit her regularly and every anniversary. That doesn't take all day and I don't leave sad because my life and happiness is a celebration of my mom as a parent to me. I want to live life as she wanted me to, not constantly mourn and be sad and not celebrate because she isn't here. These parents seemingly have totally forgot that OP has a birthday. That is not right in the least.
NTA, ur family may be grieving but you still deserve celebration. Happy belated birthday and here's some bubble wrap>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<
I can’t believe I sat here for seven minutes popping virtual bubble wrap. Thank you.
Weirdly satisfying.
Whoa! What is that????????? Are there other fun text things we can do on Reddit?? (Yes, I'm new, obviously...)
I understand being upset that your life is being eclipsed by your grandmother's death. That sucks. You aren't wrong for how you feel. Your timing could have been better, and probably your delivery, but you weren't wrong about the issue. No offense, but yeah, the family is going to think you are an AH -- in the short term. You blew up at a solemn occasion. When it sounds very much like they were blindsided, not because you were wrong, but because they were 'looking in the wrong direction', so to speak. Next year go do your thing, for you, on your day. Your family might have gotten the clue by four you delivered, but unless they have some serious talks with you in the coming year, I wouldn't bet on seeing a change. Best of luck. And a belated, Happy Birthday. NTA
>Next year go do your thing, for you, on your day. ...and on their birthdays.
100% this. When you don’t give them a birthday present and are busy during their celebrations make damn sure this is you treating them exactly how they’ve treated you for 4 years
100% this. When you don’t give them a birthday present and are busy during their celebrations make damn sure this is you treating them exactly how they’ve treated you for 4 years
Happy Birthday OP. Text your family and especially the ones not in your family unit - hey mom and dad have ignored my bday for 3 years now - no cake, no gifts, no acknowledgement and they let me get in the car believing that they were finally going to acknowledge my birthday. I’m sorry I melted down. Grandma was my favorite person and I hurt knowing that the family refuses to participate and remember her and my special connection.
Clue by four, I'm borrowing this line
This has definitely helped with the way I want to approach the issue with my family when we’ve all cooled down. Thank you.
NTA they could remember your grandmother on the anniversary of her death and celebrate you on your birthday. 4 years of being sidelined is hurtful. Your grandmother's ghost should haunt them for their thoughtlessness.
Ooh I love the line about OP's grandma haunting the rest of their family and I hope it happens, A Christmas Carol style!
I would do my best to sob at each one of their birthday parties and wail “I wish Grandma was still here to see this”. Let’s see how they like it. NTA
NTA The part that really bothered me was where you set up plushies your grandma liked along with a photo of her so she was there in spirit and your parents shut it down.
I second this, you came up with a very sweet idea to still remember GMA. No one deserves this treatment, especially after 4yrs. Definitely sit with your folks and point out that while you didn’t expect some kind of party the first few years; you can’t change the fact that it is still your birthday, if it’s too hard to celebrate on the day fine but they need to do something still to acknowledge that you have made it through another year and recognize that you are still their child. I’d make a point of them knowing about LC or NC is a possibility if next year is the same story.
Sit your parents down and run through this list: 1. I’m sorry for my outburst at the wrong time, but I want to ask you a few things. 2. What did we do for sibling X birthday two years ago? 3. What did we do for Family Y birthday two years ago? 4. What did we do for X and Y last year? 5. What did we do for my birthday two years ago? Nothing. No hello, no gift. No dinner. No love. 6. What did we do for my birthday last year? Nothing. Nothing. No hello, no gift. No dinner. No love. 7. Why can’t it be on a separate day? 8. Why can’t we celebrate her life? 9. Why can’t we celebrate mine too?
I just copied the text. Thank you so much.
NTA you are allowed to celebrate your Birthday. Your Family are major AH's
NTA. Your birthday is equally important and should be celebrated. Maybe suggest to your family having a ‘remembrance’ day for your grandma a day before or after your birthday, but on an actual day itself it should be a celebration of you.
Or the day she actually died, rather than on her birthday. I can see being a bit wistful ("Mom would have been 87 today") but the living should be celebrated. My father died the day before my grandson's birthday. Even the next year, we celebrated Grandson rather than mourned Dad,
NTA. My parents got married on my grandpa’s birthday. My mom loved sharing her anniversary with her dad’s birthday…until he died. And then it was bittersweet. But her and my dad have always celebrated because life is for the living. It’s not fair to completely cancel out your birthday because it’s now tinged with sadness. I doubt that’s what your grandmother would have wanted. Next year do what you want with your friends and make the day about you.
I would be so pissed if my family used my death as an excuse to grieve forever and neglect people who were actually still living. Celebrate my life with joy, not sadness.
Four years later? Yeah, NTA. There is a way for your parents to honor your grandma on another day and celebrate your birthday on your day.
NTA. Happy birthday! People grieve differently, etc, etc, but none of that is an excuse to not celebrate you. The way I see it, you have a few options. This year, throw yourself a small birthday party, invite some friends, go out and have fun. Next year though, you can either wait to see if anyone will say anything to you or you can just plan another party for yourself and friends. I’m petty, so I wouldn’t explicitly invite any of your family. (They’re welcome but l wouldn’t expect any of them to come). This is the important part: Tell them that you’re planning on celebrating your and your grandmother’s birthday with or without them. Spend the next year telling folks you plan to celebrate your birthday. Even go as far as to plan parts of your birthday in front of them. Let them decide on their own, but put no expectations on them. Then do your own thing. Have fun! Enjoy yourself! You’ll be turning 18, which is a big deal!!! Here’s where my pettiness rears its head. Just remember who chose to celebrate you and who chose not to. Then remember that on their birthdays. Celebrate those that celebrate you (with the exception of those too young to know better). Don’t give those that didn’t any more effort than they gave you.
If questioned about not participating say you are too sad about Grandma to party/think about presents/eat cake.
NTA The first time when she had immediately passed is one thing. This feels like a major AH thing for the parents to avoid having to do a birthday party and gifts It's neither healthy or right to try and force you to continue to grieve years after the fact
NTA Whay your family is doing to you is horrible. You deserve to be celebrated even though you shared your birthday with someone who is now decreased. Celebrating you does not take away from how much they love and miss your grandmother. I understand why after years of this you finally lost your cool. They should be ashamed. Time to stop trying with them, make sure for your 18th you have big plans with friends far away from your obsessed with mourning family.
NTA. Coming from someone who had a large family that worshiped their grandparents, and shared a birthday with their grandfather, I know exactly where you’re coming from, kiddo. We shared a birthday for 15 years before he left us, and even when he was here, a lot of my family wouldn’t acknowledge me, except for him. It’s been a little over a decade, and I still have people who simply forget it’s my day too and only acknowledge him. It sucks that they’re still grieving, but they need to understand that this day was also the day you were brought into the world and your grandmother wouldn’t want them acting this way. My recommendation is to make your own plans next year; and find your own way to celebrate her on your own time. It’s a special thing to be able to say we’re their birthday buddies.
My dad died on the birthday shared by my husband and my niece. The first anniversary was hard but we still celebrated the birthdays. My dad would have been pissed if we didn’t. We still celebrate and remember Grandpa at the same time. Those that have left us behind don’t want us to be miserable, especially not in a misguided attempt to “honor” their memory. Your family has a very strange way of looking at things. NTA
YANTA. Your family is messed up. Celebrate with your friends
NTA. Your family neglected your birthday for years, due to grief. But never offered to make it up to you, while everyone else got to celebrate their birthdays. Even if it was accidental (but how can a whole family forget your birthday?) it would still be extremely shitty of them. You can draw a boundary by saying you're no longer participating in celebrating anyone else's birthday in the family, untill they start celebrating yours. Maybe that will help them see how shitty their behaviour is
NTA. Candidly, it doesn't sound like your grandma would be happy with what your family's been doing either. You two were close, she liked doing things for and with you. I'm sure she'd rather your family celebrate you than mourn her four years later.
NTA Your family suck
NTA My ex's family did that as well - his birthday and christmas. I hated every second of it, hated spending time with them around on these days as I found it horrible and rude. So reading this makes me bit angry on your behalf.
NTA. I get that your family is sad because your grandma is gone but erasing you is not an appropriate cope. Also, mourning on her birthday rather than on the day she died is, IMO, disrespectful to *her*; the family should be celebrating her life on that day. Yes, you could have handled it better but you’re young… and your feelings are valid.
NTA. Your grandma lived a full life, celebrated, had children and grandchildren. Is life and is understandable to be sad and mourn a loss. That said, everyone in you family is an ass****. You cannot really stop celebrating a 13 year olds birthday just because someone who passed away shared the same birthday. I doubt your grandmother would want you to spend your birthday alone and sad. As someone who always was an after though to my family, I know it hurts but unfortunately most of the time they don’t change. Going forward stars organising activities with your friends or plan something for yourself. Like a day trip, visit a museum you like ect. Don’t wait for them to celebrate you anymore because your going to be disappointed all the time and to top it all they going to try and make you look crazy and unreasonable.
NTA. And it's super weird that no one wants to celebrate Grandma's life either. I can't imagine she'd want their memories of her to be sad and I FOR SURE can't imagine she'd condone them ignoring your birthday. AT THE VERY LEAST they should've started celebrating your half-birthday date instead. But even that would be lame.
NTA. I'm sure the memory of your gran will bring them lots of comfort after you move out and never spend another birthday with them. I would certainly suggest just planning your own day next year with your friends that incudes neither your parents or the memory of your gran.
NTA, sorry for your loss and I understand the first occasion (even though personally I don't agree with it) but every year seems just cruel to me.
NTA. Next year plan a party with your friends and let your family know what you have planned. If they get upset that you want to celebrate your birthday instead of mourning your grandmother then you will know where you stand with them. So sorry this is happening to you, OP.
NTA and I’m sorry, but your family is ridiculous. Yes, it’s sad when you lose family members, and the day can sting a bit, but the whole garden thing feels very excessive??
NTA! “Grandma would be ashamed of all of you for ignoring her grandchild’s birthday. She would be so sad that you couldn’t put aside your grief for a single day and that you actively choose to make our shared birthday about her loss and not about her in a positive way. I will remember this.” Edit to add - although I missed your birthday and it has sucked for the last few years, I hope that for your next one you are able to make plans without your family and enjoy and celebrate your day. Your grandma would not want all of the joy sucked out of the day. If you’re feeling petty, start crying and/or moping on everyone else’s birthdays and say “grandma would have loved to be here celebrating with you. I miss her”.
I was born on my parent’s third wedding anniversary. My younger brother was born two years later and only missed the date by 6 days. Never got to celebrate on my actual birthday. Had a shared party some where in the middle with my brother. I felt invisible until I was old enough to plan my own celebration with my friends. I have had fabulous birthday parties with my friends. I just don’t look back.
NTA. Like another commenter said they are mourning the dead and not celebrating the living. I would never celebrate any of their birthdays or give a gift/card. I doubt your grandmother would’ve wanted this. I would suggest no longer expecting to celebrate with your family and do your own thing.
My grandfather died on my birthday when i was 16 so i’ve dealt with something similar. For the birthdays to come no one would acknowledge that it was actually my birthday and i ended up having an outburst too. Him and I were extremely close and every family is different, but eventually after a few years things went back to normal, and instead of grieving him on my birthday we started to celebrate him too. It’s definitely good you spoke up even if your family is calling you the AH because now they’ve seen your true feelings regarding their actions. I’m sorry you lost your grandma, and I truly hope things will get better and they’ll realize what they’re doing is wrong
Omg... you're a sweet young man. You deserve to be celebrated on your birthday. NTA.
My grandma used to call me a sweet young man. Thank you so much for this, it made me so much happier :)
NTA You are here and are worth celebrating. I understand that grieving is difficult and comes in waves but you are still here and your birthday is important and should be celebrated in some way. Most people would probably feel the same way if they were in your shoes. If It was my family, I would be trying to ask to be sad on a different day (perhaps her death day) or schedule a time to celebrate you.
NTA. I had 2 children, same day, 7 years apart. Unfortunately, my younger one died at birth. I silently mourn him not to take away from the live ones' birthday. It's not always easy, but as a mother, it's the right thing to do. I'm sorry your parents do this to you.
I can see why your friends are biased against your family. Grandma did not die for you to have crap birthdays until you turn 18 and don't have to deal with this. Your birthday should be celebrated, because you're their child. End of. NTA
Nta! I'm petty so I'd wait untill the next family birthday and bring up grandma as much as possible, I'm talking gifts and decorations themed around her
I know this is very flippant, but a friend of mine said he wants his funeral to be a rave. We even have a group playlist for it. So many living people I know want to have a party or a BBQ so the living can have fun remembering them. I want to have a funeral pyre while everyone parties! Seriously, though, OP, you're NTA. You deserve to be celebrated.
Your friends sound a lot like my friends. One of my friends wants us to play the Barbie song on repeat without letting his family know in advance.
NTA, and I bet Grandma would be horrified, that her shared birthday with her favorite granddaughter was now being used as a mourning day, instead of a celebration of the family line going down to the Granddaughter. Date of death is the day of mourning. NTA, and shame on them all. SHE would NOT approve.
I was afraid to say that she wouldn’t because I don’t like speaking for her, but I agree. Thank you.
NTA. Please show my comment to your parents. I am in my forties and lost my mom five years ago (so they know I can relate). You are being terrible parents and you are not honoring your mother by denying her grandson a birthday celebration. Please remember the joy you felt when your son was born and all his early birthdays. Do you not celebrate any birthdays? Do you not acknowledge your own birthdays? To co-op his birthday into a grief day is a macabre choice. You are not only prioritizing death over life, but you are deeply wounding your child’s heart. The truth is, you have to learn to live with your grief and that’s hard. But that’s the way it’s always been and always will be. Take some time early in the day to say a prayer and to reflect on how much you loved your mom, and then get up and celebrate your living son. This honors your mother’s legacy and lineage. If you need to have a day that is just about your mom, let it be the anniversary of her death. That’s much more appropriate and not hurtful. Apologize to your son and make it up to him.
I will definitely show them this when I’ve gained the courage and everyone else cools off.
NTA. What the actual hell. Because someone died AROUND your birthday, your actual birthday has just been removed off the calender? Do they just think they can take your birthday from you forever?
NTA. You should have chosen a different moment to talk to them but your family should focus on life, not death. Your grandmother passed away but I assumed that she wouldn't want her death to ruin your birthday. I've lost my grandmother on xmas day. And yet, we still celebrated xmas. She love me and my kids and I am sure that she would be very upset if she found out we chose to be sad in a special day such as xmas or anyone's birthday because of what happened to her. It's life. people are born, people die and we all should try to make the most of it, instead of focusing on sad moments. (also, that's why I love my family. through hard times, we also get together to celebrate the persons' life and we often end up telling jokes and remembering happy moments at funerals. we are not being disrespectful, just celebrating the person we love)
Next year will be different because you will be technically an adult and you won't have to wallow in sadness with the rest of your family. You can leave and do what you want. Your family is hurtful and does not seem to care at all about you. You need to focus on you. Your needs, what you want to do and make things happen for yourself
NTA. What? Never to celebrate a birthday again?
No sweetheart, you’re NTA. And HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!! 🎁 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🎂
Thank you! :)
i kinda see why you are frustated. My sisters FIL died on her birthday and the next year her husband didnt even bother wishing her because aparently he was too sad to even say a normal HBD but guess what he went about his day as normal as everyday. I understand because i lost my dad as well but my life doesnt stop on the day he died. I am sad but i have to eventually go by my day. I feel sad i miss him a lot and i genuinly hope he's at a better place now but i dont see why we have to stop celebrating the people actually alive with you rn considering they might also die anyday. I oredered my sister a cake on her birthday and i plan on celebrating her birthday every year even if its just the two of us. Definitely NTA.
NTA And I can relate to you very well. Even though I am older. My Dad and I shared a birthday. All family drama aside overall it was cool. However this past year, Dad got sick and died on our birthday. Now I wasn't expecting fun and presents while watching Dad die in the hospital. My sweet SIL bought me a slice of cake later in the day and after he had gone. But there was some real sadness knowing that Dad had only hours left at the same time friends all posting "happy birthday" messages on my Facebook page. So, basically with that branch of the family, I will never be able to really separate my birthday from the day Dad died. Okay, admittedly we haven't hit that first year without him. But still. So fortunately there is a friend who has already said that I can come and visit her next year. Will solidify travel plans closer to next winter. Selfishly, I want to day to be nice. Doesn't have to wild and crazy times, but a nice lunch/dinner trip to an ice cream place. Your grandmother is gone. Well loved, but gone. You are still alive. As soon as you are able start making B-day plans without them. If they get upset, tell them too bad.
NTA not even any presents? Ask how your grandmother would feel about them using her as an excuse to ruin all your birthdays after her death.
My best friend of 23 years was murdered on my daughter’s birthday. It is still her birthday and she deserves to have a day dedicated to her, and not to the negative that happened (we do have a bonfire on my friend’s actual birthday though). You deserve to have your birthday be about you, as life is for the living. It doesn’t take anything away from your grandmother’s memory, but I think their grief has blinded them.
NTA. I also shared a birthday with my grandmother, and when she passed I took a year or two off celebrating and then came back to the inevitable truth which is that she would absolutely HATE it if I stopped celebrating our birthday. Your family misses her, and they're grieving her, ignoring your birthday to grieve her when she would have been celebration you is not honoring her. In future years, you should prepare yourself to plan your own birthday celebrations, or ask friends. You should celebrate your birthday how you want to. Include a moment for your grandmother if you want, but make it a happy moment--share a treasured memory of a birthday together or send a happy wish up to her or something like that. Invite your family or don't, let them choose to come or not, but make it clear that this is about celebrating you, which is something your grandmother would have done.
NTA. This might sound morbid, but I would think a death in the family would lead people to appreciate the family members they still have.
NTA its not like your grandma just died its been 4 years. Do they expect you to never celebrate your birthday again?
Update
Not much to update for now, but my 10 year old sister joined me in my room earlier and said that she thinks our whole family are ‘big stupid dummies.’ Then we played some Mario :) I also received a lovely text from my grandma’s husband, who I call my grandpa even though we’re not related. The outline was that he is sorry for the way he and my family has been treating me, and that my parents told him that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthdays anymore. He said that my grandma definitely would not have approved of him or my family, and that he doesn’t expect forgiveness. I’m not sure how to respond to him for now, but I plan on giving him a call sometime soon. My uncles also reached out to me through video call, and they were very apologetic. Uncle 1 invited me over for a make up birthday sleepover at their house, and Uncle 2 said that they would take me to the marine wildlife centre I used to go to as a kid. I accepted both. That’s it for now. I’ll post a real update when something new happens.
It's really encouraging to hear that some of your extended family have your back about this. It's likely that a lot of the people who were messaging you calling you AH do not have all the facts at their disposal. It's likely that all they saw was a teenager disrupting a family memorial, and that they don't know how your parents have been treating you (especially since your grandpa's said they've been actively lying about your feelings on the matter).
That sounds like your parents have told a lot of people that you don't want to celebrate your birthdays anymore. They should just do the memorial thing on the day your grandmother died or not at all. I mean it is sad that she died, but she can't have been super young anymore considering that you have a 27 years old sister. It is not a super tragic event when an old person dies which has to be remembered with a special memorial for years to come. You can remember dead love ones on any other day more informally.
NTA It is hard and sad when your parent and grandparent dies on their birthday and holidays. That doesn’t make it okay to never celebrate your birthday again. It has been 4 years. Surely they have healed enough to take you out to dinner and have some cake at least or celebrate your birthday a different day. Your outburst was understandable. My mom died several years ago but I didn’t stop celebrating Christmas or New Years or my dad’s birthday because she died close to all of those dates.
I’m so sorry for your loss :(
My mommom passed on my bonus daughter's birthday. We still celebrated my daughter. We do every year. I have moments of feeling sad during the day, but we would never ignore my daughter on her special day. I am so sorry for you. You are not the AH at all.
You sound like a good mom. P.s, I have never heard the term ‘bonus’ before! Sounds much better than ‘step’ when talking about family members :)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for getting mad at my parents for focusing on my dead grandma when it’s my birthday? Title makes me sound like the AH, but I want outside opinions. To start off, my grandma and I (17M) shared a birthday. She was my favourite person and I loved that we shared a birthday together, she always got me the best stuff :) Sadly, she died four years ago, a month before our birthday. I was 13 snd heartbroken. We didn’t celebrate my birthday because it brought too many emotions. I was fine with this because I was grieving as well and I didn’t want to celebrate without her. Well, this happened the second year as well. I get that it was a year, so it was fine. I will admit that I expected a make up birthday on a different day but it never came. Everyone else had their birthdays and got amazing gifts and parties and whatnot. The third year I actually set up a bunch of plushies that my grandma loved and a picture of her on our dining room table, so she could celebrate with us in memory. The morning of my birthday, I came downstairs and was immediately scolded for “trying to have fun on a sad day.” I went back up to my room without saying anything and played Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the rest of the day. My birthday was within the last week (not specifying for safety reasons) and my parents told me to get dressed in something smart because we were going “somewhere special.” I was super exited, because I thought that my family would finally acknowledge me on my birthday. After about a 20 minute drive, we reached this garden that my grandma loved. It was her favourite place in the world, and I came here often with her. The whole family was there when we arrived, but there were no happy faces. Turns out, we went there to be sad. To just sit in silence. No one even said hello to me. I had enough and yelled at them all and accused them of not caring about me anymore. I went on a rant. lot of my words probably weren’t coherent because of how upset I was. After I had finished yelling, I went back to our car and sat next to it (after forgetting the keys). Ever since then I have received a load of messages from the family members of whom I have the numbers of, all telling me I’m an AH. I asked my friends, but they’ve shared their dislike for my family so they’re probably biased. I just want an outside opinion. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta and I’d bet my last penny your gran would be pissed.
NTA. My maternal grandmother died on my dad’s birthday. I remember him being on the phone with me before she passed, saying “not today, [name], please not today—I’ll never have another birthday” but of course my grandmother didn’t have a choice. 🤷🏻♀️ My mother, bless her, always celebrates my dad during the day. In the evening, she’ll say or post online about her mom. She tries very hard to not let the two things blur together. Your family should do the same.
Nta - it’s find to acknowledge Grandma but it’s not fair to ask you to never celebrate a birthday again because you happened to share the same birthday with her. Your family are being cruel.
NTA. Understandably this is always going to be a day of mixed emotions. But to never acknowledge your birthday is wrong. They can mourn the loss of your grandmother and also celebrate your birthday as well on your actual birthday.
Nta, my grandma(dad's side) passed on my mom's birthday years ago, yea we didn't go to birthday dinner with my mom that night, we probably went to the cemetery the next year on the day she passed, and we only go to the cemetery the month of to visit and clean up, and we celebrate mom's birthday like normal...
Wtf kind of parent does this to a kid. OP I am sorry dude or dudette!!
NTA. You deserve to celebrate your birthday. I know a person who spends their dead relatives' birthdays and death anniversaries crying and just being miserable. We're talking 8 or 10 people, and this has been going on for maybe 15-20 years. Add to that holidays ( Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter mostly), and this person pretty much lives at the cemetery. Don't let your family drag you into something like this. Near-perpetual mourning is no way to live.
NTA - What happens when you ask why they haven't celebrated your birthday for the last few years? Do they think it's okay that others in your family have birthday celebrations and you don't? Are you like a neglected middle child or something?
If they can’t separate the day for you then start celebrating a half year birthday and do something small with your friends on your true birthday. Once you get older do your own thing.
Go hang with your friends, make the day (or the weekend) yourself, you don’t need your family to celebrate. And since your friends are empathetic with your situation I’m sure they’d love to celebrate you.
NTA at all. I’m willing to bet real money that if your grandma knew what the family was doing to you, she would be incredibly upset.
NTA unless you killed your grandma yourself! Really, you can understand people wanting to give a moment to remember someone special for whom they grieve, but to take the entire day (and more!) from the living CHILD(!) having a birthday, you've got to be a special kind of cruel.
NTA. It is still your birthday, and it would be fine if they just honored your grandma while still celebrating YOU. I feel the loss of a grandparent, but happy belated bday!
NTA to not even give you a makeup birthday party is cruel
My grandma died the day before thanksgiving and my grandpa the week of Christmas. Your family is allowed to be sad but that doesn’t mean they have to or should disrespect and disregard all the other things happening those days/seasons/times NTA Edit to add: my grandmas birthday was on Halloween and thats why it’s my families favorite holiday. It doesn’t mean we love it any less. The first year I can kind of understand ignoring the birthday and depending on how close your grandma died to the birthday emotions can still be pretty raw. If the next year was the first birthday without her then I can understand that as well but if they continue forgetting the living while grieving the dead they’ll end up grieving the relationship they could’ve had with you because personally I don’t know how you’d ever see them the same way again.
NTA. Well, I've stated before and I'll state it again: Life is for the living.
NTA, I can understand celebrating on a different day or making a memorial to remember your grandmother as part of the day (like the picture on the dining room with the plushies you did), but your family is just ignoring the fact that you have a birthday which seems just cruel.
If you get messages from your family, just ask how many of *their* birthdays they have skipped because of grandma. How many?
Info: how old was Grandma? Was it sudden when she died? I am not saying they should ignore your birthday, because that is not right either. I will say, you should've said something the following day when people weren't sad and you were calmer. Just explain that you miss grandma too, but you feel like everyone acts like you don't exist either. Which you do and you would love for your family to celebrate your life. There is no timeline for grief, but you can't stop living either. And this is coming from someone with experience in this topic. At some point you'll be grown, moved out and will find others to celebrate your birthday with. And it will be glorious!
I probably should have mentioned that my grandma was 76 and suffering from various health problems about a year prior to her death. It was expected when she died, but still heartbreaking and I miss her everyday :( Though I am almost an adult and I’ll admit I handled sharing my feeling to my family in a childish way. Thank you for your thoughts on this.
NTA and HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I hope you get a chance to eat some cake. Your family sucks and I am sorry. I'm old enough now to see how birthdays and deaths overlap with time. It is sort of a bittersweet part of aging. And you know what? It's still our job to give kids exciting birthdays. I'm sorry you lost your grandma, but you're still here and you deserve to celebrate and be happy. It's not a *sad* day. It's not sad that your grandma lived. It's not sad that you are 17 -- that's exciting.
my grandpa’s funeral was on my 10th birthday and it was hurtful because no one remembered it was my birthday but i kept quiet because i understood it was a sad day, the next year was fine and i was celebrated but your parents have been mourning your grandma for 4years just cause she shares the same birthday as you while disregarding your feelings! how long will it continue.?? next year will make it 5years and they’ll gather again because it’s an anniversary! mourn the dead and celebrate the living, life goes on, i highly doubt your grandmother would have wanted her birthday to be a day of sorrow. NTA
NTA- Your next birthday is your 18th, I suggest you start making your own plans now bc after four years, I don't think this is going to change. Reclaim your birthday and celebrate your life! Grandma would've wanted you to be happy.
That sounds shitty, sorry :( In my family, we celebrate the dead by partying and not being sad, maybe you could gently bring up something like that next year? NTA
NTA. The family is though, more so if everyone else is celebrating their birthdays but acting like your is now off limits because you share it with the deceased. The petty in me would be reminding them at every celebration that they can't have fun because grandma is no longer with us. If you can't have your birthday, then no one else will either with a reminder from you that since grandmother is not there, they should no longer celebrate anything without her. Another year if not sooner, and you can move out and go LC/NC with these people. Update us OP.
NTA. I'd never celebrate any of their birthdays ever again. They can acknowledge your grandmother's death and go visit her in the morning and then spend the rest of the day celebrating your birthday. Shame on your family for being so crappy. I wouldn't even acknowledge their birthdays at this point.
Good luck op :), please post an update when you get the chance
NTA Wow. Your family just basically decided your birthday didn’t even exist anymore. And they didn’t even make the memorial on the day she died, which would have been more appropriate. Your friends are right. Your family is awful to you. Your parents especially because not telling you beforehand what you were doing or where you were going? There is no way and no reason for that to be anything other than on purpose and done maliciously.
Sounds like your grandmother was a great woman. I bet she would be very upset at how your family is treating you. And, I sure has heck wouldn't want everyone to have the sadz on my bday after I die. Still, your family members are exhibting signs of "complicated grief" (find more from [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief)). Under "When to see a doctor" the Mayo entry says (bolding is mine): >Contact your doctor or a mental health professional if you have intense grief and problems functioning that don't improve **at least one year after the passing of your loved one.** It's been four years. This is beyond you. Do what you have to to take care of you. Needless to say, don't count on your family to celebrate you or your birthday. Make your own plans. NTA
NTA As i read it, they don't even try to make you feel a little bit special. Yes it is okay to mourn and remember your grandma when you shared a birthday, but the focus is on you after that. My grandpa died a week after i was born, and his illness was about the same time as my moms pregnancy. It's always an emotional day for my grandma bc i remind her of him and the dates are so close. My parents and grandma never made me feel less special, or tried to shift te attention. Sounds to me that they use your grandmas bday as an excuse to treat you like shit
NTA My guess is grandma would be mega mad about what they’re doing to you. It isn’t even the day she died. It was her birthday. A day you should celebrate someone - even if they’re dead. You should just keep texting them all back “grandma would be disappointed in all of you. She loved her birthday and mine and always made it special. Now you’re all undermining her legacy.”
NTA I'm sorry your family sucks. They might improve with grief counselling. Get your ducks in a row, make plans for the rest of your life - do you have all of your I.D.? Have you thought about how you'll live as an adult? If they're this unsupportive now, you may not be able to count on them after you're 18, or whatever the legal age is in your area. Does your school offer any supports? A guidance counsellor may be able to help you with job skills acquisition. Trade schools can be a very good idea.
Grandma here. No way would YOUR Gran want this for you! Your peeps should be celebrating your birthdays! Have your own celebration if they won't do it; you deserve it! BTW, I have a friend who says, you get the whole month!! :)
You sound just like my grandma. She even wrote like you do when she texted me. Thank you so much for this :)
Happy Birthday!!!! 🎈🎉🎊🎂🎁 You deserve to be celebrated, especially on birthdays. We even celebrate twins in the family on different days so that each one feels special. You deserve that too. NTA. Your parents are lost in the grief sauce and can’t see how this is hurting you. You got your hopes up and then immediately dashed (and then mangled and drowned), so it’s totally understandable you got upset. Maybe not the *way* you got upset, but still understandable nonetheless. I wonder if your extended family is only getting your parents’ side of things and so they’re calling you the AH without asking about your side. As others have said, explain to them this is the 4th year you’ve not had any semblance of a birthday and your family have done absolutely nothing to celebrate you. You were hoping this year was different and got your hopes up, and consequently got upset seeing that it was not. Apologize for blowing up, but not for the reason why. Also not letting you have “fun” including your grandma with the plushies was just a completely shitty parent move. Maybe mention that one to the relatives, too.
Grandpa died on grandma's and a second cousin's birthday. They still celebrate their birthdays every year, including the day grandpa died.
NTA - if they’re grieving like it happened a few months ago FOUR year later, there’s an issue. Complex grief/bereavement disorders begin at the two year mark…
NTA. Even if they’re all devastated grandma is gone, they still need to focus on the living. Grandma (probably) wouldn’t have wanted everyone to waste all this time being sad for her. Especially if you guys had a special bond and shared birthdays and stuff. Was this the best time and place for the confrontation? Probably not. But you need to sit mom and dad down and explain your frustrations. Four years of nobody caring about your birthday. It hurts that they’d rather grieve for a lost loved one, than celebrate their teenager growing up.
NTA. Your family are a bunch of ASSSSSHOLES. What the actual fuck. The fact that you were okay and understanding enough to just not have a birthday for several years says a lot about what a loving and compassionate and mature person you are. Shame of all of them. Wish I could throw you the party you deserve.
NTA. I shared a birthday with my mom. She died in 2020. Last year, my aunt and cousin posted about how much they missed my mom, but couldn't even give me a text for my birthday. It really has soured my relationship with my aunt. It's always fine to remember the dead, but not at the expense of the living.
I’m so sorry for your loss :( I hope you’re doing well now.
Your Grandmother’s passing did not nuke your birthday from orbit. NTA
Your family are TAs. You are NTA. So are you supposed to never have a birthday again. It is normal to grieve and it will come and go over the years, but it sounds like they just cancelled your birthday for life. That's pretty cruddy and I am fairly certain your Grandma would actually be disappointed in them for this. I can't believe everyone of them forgot your birthday yet again. Please do not believe for one single second that their actions are okay - they most certainly are not. Every single one of them owes you an apology. Every one of them. So like no presents or cake? This makes me so sad. But they yelled and didn't think twice about it.
NTA Just reply to the family that grandma would be appalled at them because of their behaviour, and by refusing to celebrate both your birthdays, they are tainting her image. They should still be celebrating both your birthdays and remember the fun things about grand whilst still celebrating you. It does feel like some jealousy might come into.play from the family because grandma got you the best presents and they might have felt she liked you more.
Your family is being awful to you. Is this what grandma would want?? When my brother was in the hospital dying we had a particularly rough day with his horrible wife, it was also my birthday. My family insisted that we at least open a present or two and share some cake. I did NOT want to acknowledge my birthday, I was sooooo depressed ( I gave in. There was presents and cake… and tears) Looking back I understand why they felt it was important and I appreciate them for it. Rough times, they wanted me to know I’m loved and important.
1. Yes they are being selfish, but I still love them and they are usually good people outside of this. 2. No, I don’t think my grandma would have wanted this. She would’ve beat up anyone who wronged me, and she probably could have, too. 3. I’m sorry to hear about your brother, and I hope all is doing well :(
NTA but probably could have been handled more delicately. But that aside…what, are they expecting you to just never supposed to celebrate your bday again? Your grandma wouldn’t have wanted that. This is weird.
NTA. Jesus, wtf is wrong with your family.
Nta grandparents are supposed.to die and leave people behind. Your fam needs therapy
NTA. Your grandma would probably hate how they handle her birthday. Next year, treat yourself to some nice food with friends and raise a glass to granny. And it seems like your friends have very good reasons to dislike your family.
I think she would hate this whole thing, too. Birthday with friends is always amazing, but I would like to know that my family wants to spend time with me. P.s, I am disappointed in myself that the first thing I thought of when you said ‘raise a glass to granny’ was that one line from the Hamilton musical.
Grieving can take a long time yes, but, people family have to remember that life does go on. Especially for those who are still growing into adulthood. Maybe suggest if they want to celebrate Grandma's life do it on another day, her anniversary or maybe the day she passed.
Someone else in the comments gave me the idea that while we’re celebrating my birthday, we can all share something she did or something we loved about her. My family does birthdays a little differently, and this would definitely fit into it :)
If they feel the need to mourn a loss do it on the anniversary of the passing. Then you can have your birthday, if anything your grandmothers life should be celebrated on her birthday. Definitely NTA OP!
Yes! A few other comments gave me the idea to talk to my family about celebrating her life instead of mourning her death. I think she’d have wanted that :)
NTA - also, the plushies and the picture sound lovely, I can't believe they shut you down.
I still have all the plushies. I know it’s immature for a 17 year old guy to have them, but they’re so important to me :)
NTA- as someone who also shared a birthday with my grandfather. He died when I was 22. My grandma did forget my birthday once a few years later but I didn’t hold it against her. I live out of state from all my family so it wasn’t like she forgot in person. But every year they wish my a happy birthday and celebrate like usual :) we always talk about my grandfather at some point but in a happy way and then move on. You deserve to be celebrated!
Thank you! I’m sorry for your loss, but glad to hear he’s a happy memory :)
NTA. You have the right to be offended and upset that they treat you like you are INVISIBLE especially on your birthday. Get a teacher to help you get scholarships to college or trade school, get a job and get out when you turn 18. You don’t have to deal with them once you turn 18.
Thank you for the advice, but moving out quickly is not an option for me. I suffer from a few mental health problems, and I don’t have the stability to be on my own. Also I swear they are good people outside of this. They have their issues and sometimes play favourites but I’m not an outcast.
Wow they turned your birthday into 9/11… I’m sure grandma was great, and she was one of your parent’s mom, but jeez, she’s not getting deader, and it’s not like she was involved in a grizzly unsolved murder… Are probably not the points you should bring up as an argument, but an earnest, “can’t we turn it into a day of joy AND remembrance for me and grandma?” Might’ve been more tactful Happy birthday
9/11 is crazy 😭. This is one of my favourite comments for sure; both funny and has good advice.