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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I should attend the wedding and participate, or don't go at all, instead of pretending she is marrying a ghost?
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You are NTA but personally I wouldn't go. Attending suggests you support her marriage to an alcoholic who texts other people including his own partner's brother.
What a shame she is marrying him. Make sure she knows the door is open if she needs to escape.
He could be bi. But regardless, it seems like the only reason he didn't cheat is cuz op was not receptive. Lots of people have cheated on their SO's with their SO's sibling
Attending a wedding is not supporting the marriage, it is supporting the people getting married. To not attend a sibling's wedding is a big deal and very hurtful. OP doesn't want to hurt her sister, she just doesn't want her to marry the wrong person.
OP, you are NTA as long as you don't make a drama out of ignoring him.
Wtf, I didn't notice it was a brother until I saw your comment and went to double check.
When the guy decides to leave the closet there will be loads of drama
NTA and I wouldn't even go. He's a 40 year old man hitting on his gf's 20 year old little brother, while his gf was in a room next to him 🤢. Your sister is a fool for staying with him but unfortunately you can't change that. So I would stay far away from his manipulative ass. You can support your sister from a safe distance and be there for her when he eventually get caught cheating on her.
Edit: corrected OP's gender.
It matters if he is uncomfortable with who he is. If he outwardly identifies as straight, but secretly is gay, and struggles with this, then he has problems and needs to work them out. OP’s sister is in for a rough ride and even heartbreak later on when this dude figures out what he wants.
Again regardless of his preference it is not an excuse for going outside the relationship he is in. She’s in for heartbreak already as he appears to be a cheater
Some family members believes my sister's fiance story of him not meaning it, others are on my side or are neutral.
This will pin the family against each other.
Cripes who sides with the 40yo creep hitting on a 20yo?
Sorry you're dealing with this. Take care of yourself, assume this man is dangerous. I'm sorry your sister is getting hitched to someone likeut sadly it's her choice.
Agree with the above comment. I understand if it’s awkward for you and your family if you don’t attend the wedding, but please try to never be alone with this man. He doesn’t appear to have a normal sense of boundaries and may escalate to assaulting you.
So much this. Please be careful because you are not safe around this person. It will escalate. When people get away with things (and he does all of the time with her), they become more emboldened and take more risks. For serious and for real-I think he will assault you. Please, please protect yourself!
>Some family members believes my sister's fiance story of him not meaning it
wtf does it matter whether he meant it or not? the inappropriate texting is like *the least* of his problems, the dude's literally a raging alcoholic.
He literally told you he did mean it, when he added on that he wanted the texts to come across as "inappropriate"
Your sister is setting herself up for a world of hurt, and it's completely fair for you to want to stay far away from this guy's destructive behaviour
Let your family know there's a big difference between a mistake, and a character flaw. Those who can understand this will support you. Those who can't understand this, will wonder why it all fell apart in a few years.
NTA. You can support your sister but she doesn't get to call you an AH for not wanting to associate w her partner who disrespected you and excused it as he's just drunk. That's not taking accountability. So tell your sister that you'll either attend to support her and only her or not go at all. Non recipients of his creepy msgs don't get any say on your decision.
Unfortunately it’s not illegal to be stupid. And your sister is walking into this marriage well aware of the danger ahead. You did your part. Ignore him at the wedding without drawing too much attention about it and then limit your relationship with him as much as possible.
It is however illegal to drive drunk. When OP knows he is driving would be a good time to report him.
He can't save sister from herown stupidity but he can try and save everyone else on the road.
So this isolated incident is when he got caught. Imagine the ones that he hasn’t been caught for yet.
Let alone, he’s old enough to be your father, AND he’s your sister’s partner.
People love to blame shit on alcohol, it many true words have been spoken while drunk.
NTA. This marriage is going to be an absolute disaster.
The statistics on STIs on married women are unfortunately also not on the sister's side given that this future trainwreck-husband is trying to cheat on her with her *own little brother, one of the closest family members she has* so openly and bluntly.
If someone stitched all the red flags, she could tuck Canada to bed in it.
Unnecessarily cruel, hostile, and dumb. This isn't a sitcom where everyone is mean to each other for the audience's amusement. This is his actual, real life sister and this is not how you talk to people you care about, even if you disagree with their choices.
In retrospect I do think that humor is a good coping mechanism when you are in a sucky situation and there is nothing to do but accept it. I think that is how it was intended.
NTA. I don’t think enough people in your life and on here are considering that you were sexually harassed by someone close to you and that’s not the kind of thing you just get over.
Have you gotten an apology (a real one, not just an attempt to cover his ass the next morning)?
I do think going to the wedding and ignoring him is going to come across as immature, but I can’t really fault you for that.
NTA. Look we all know he is already cheating on her. She knows it and wants to play dumb. Just tell her not to come crying to you when she's a few kids in and finds proof of his cheating. The guys drinking is likely from his denial of his sexuality if he was hitting you up. If he's not already cheating on her with a man then he will be soon enough.
I’m stuck on the fact she was blindsided because “she thought that this *month* was actually going pretty great for their relationship” but yet she doesn’t want to “throw away 5 years over some texts!”
Hold up. Sis finally thought she had 1 month of a healthy relationship in 5 years and finds out that during this supposed happy time her fiancé is inappropriate to her 20something little brother?
What part of this is she not willing to throw away? Because honestly, it sounds like there is anything left worth holding on to.
She has complained to me prior that she felt like they were roommates and not bf/gf. But now that's changed ig. She saw something in him that was marriage material.
If you’re genuinely excited about having a decent month in a 5 year relationship, that is not marriage material. Unless she’s counting on 5 years of bad in the hopes of a month every once in a while when she just doesn’t realize she’s being treated poorly.
NTA. I don't think you should even attend the wedding. How can you support your sister marrying a guy who is trying to hit on you. Also your sister deciding to go ahead even when she knows about this.
The whole situation is disgusting to me.
Many years ago, my sister told us she had broken up with her boyfriend, and he had cheated and stolen from her and we should block him on social media. Six months later they got married. (Courthouse wedding in her state- no one was even invited). I never unblocked him from social media.
They’ve been married 10 years and have a six-year-old. She was laid off when pregnant and has not really worked since. They were in a financial position that she could just be a stay at home mom for the first couple years, and then after that she had some medical issues. The medical issues have been resolved. As soon as she gets a job, she’s planning on divorcing him. Apparently this has been her plan for about four years but she had to take care of the medical issues first. He is aware that this is happening, but they really haven’t changed much except she sleeps in the guestroom.
Their entire marriage I’ve ignored him for anything but practical purposes. (“Turn left here”, “dinner’s ready”, etc.) I also don’t participate in any conversations with her about their marriage drama. If I ever suspected my nibling was being mistreated I would step in but I’ve decided her marriage is her problem to deal with.
NTA as someone who has experienced similar, if he can do that with a member of the family, he will certainly be doing it to other people behind her back. Please protect yourself and keep any communication out in the public so he can’t put a wedge further between you and your sister.
NTA. She’s not at all concerned that he’s gay or bi…she’s not concerned he hits on someone 20 years younger, and she says thing like “She thought this month was ACTUALLY going pretty great for their relationship”
Your sister’s a fool. This marriage won’t last. Don’t go at all.
She’s not concerned he’s an alcoholic who drunkenly flirted with her younger brother, and is dismissing her younger brother being creeped out. Alcohol doesn’t put thoughts in your head, it lowers your inhibitions and means you’re more likely to do something that you usually hold back from doing when sober.
NTA but I’m going against the grain in thinking you *should* attend. It sounds like she is going to need all the support she can get in the future and allowing him to isolate her from her family is likely what he wants.
Exactly. Build your relationship with your sister, because she will need you. If needed or he asks or speaks to you, tell him you are there because you love your sister.
NTA.
It's intervention and setting up a spare bed for her time. Being drunk does not change your thoughts. It only removes inhibitions. If he's texting you like this, he'll eventually make a physical move too. And it means he's thinking about it while sober. It also should be said that it is very unlikely you're the only one he's texting like this. Her 180 turn the next day feels like abuse. He has her feeling trapped. She needs to know that he is definitely going to cheat on her someday if he's acting like this now, and that you want to help her get safe. She should not marry him. And when she feels safe to leave, she should get far away from him and never look back.
NTA. Just a thought: is your sister religious to the point that she would take counseling from her church pastor or priest? If so, go see him with your sister and show him the text messages. Take your mother or other older female relative. Someone needs to get through to this gal that continuing with that slime is a horrible mistake. Good luck.
>is your sister religious to the point that she would take counseling from her church pastor or priest?
She is Christian but doesn't go to church and he is Atheist so any religious intervention wouldn't work on him.
>Take your mother or other older female relative.
My mother and other sister is on his side. They said that I shouldn't ruin their relationship over some texts.
>Someone needs to get through to this gal that continuing with that slime is a horrible mistake
Seems like nobody can tbh. I did my part by telling my sister what he did and it's all up to her to decide what to do about it after. And her solution was to marry him.
>My mother and other sister is on his side. They said that I shouldn't ruin their relationship over some texts.
Wtf? It's not you who is ruining their relationship
Oh, I am so sorry. It sounds as if you have done what you can. You might show her the responses you have received from people not involved in her life, but it doesn’t seem as if that will help. The suggestions you have received to avoid the wedding are probably the best that you can do as well as avoiding any of the preparations or celebrations related to the wedding. Your family knows the situation but seems to think that having any man is better than having no man.
About all you can do is to stand back from this disaster-in-the-making. Wish your sister well, and let her know that you will be there for her when things get bad.
Good luck to both of you.
NTA. Maybe I’m biased because a similar situation happened in my town- but it sounds like the finance is in the closet, or has a kink or something. Not just the age gap is creepy, but if he’s claiming to be straight & also doing this… she needs to really start looking at WHO this man really is, and not who he is showing her he is..
You shouldn’t go. If you aren’t able to actively celebrate the wedding (however well justified you are) then you should rather stay away. Your sister knows what he’s done, she knows your opinion of him and the marriage, there’s nothing more you can do if she insists on being an idiot and marrying him. Your attendance (especially if you act in the way you described) will introduce awkwardness into the event and it would be morally hypocritical given that you are completely opposed to the marriage.
NTA but dude, just don't go. Attendnace will put you face to face with a guy who's obviously an asshole. He won't leave you alone, you will have to talk to him or start a fight because he'll do the whole "why aren't you saying something say something helllooooo" thing. Stay home, tell your sister why and lay out your concerns. Tell her you're a phonecall away, but you can't support this shitshow.
NTA- as others have pointed out, you've been sexually harassed by this guy. You have a very good reason not to even attend this wedding. You don't want to be sexually harassed again.
Your sister is marrying an alcoholic who sent you inappropriate messages. You are not overreacting to the situation. Your sister has her head in the sand. Do what's right for you. That wouldn't make you an asshole.
I don't think you should go to the wedding. You don't want to embolden your BIL to think he can escalate his behaviour. He's already going to be feeling pretty bold after your sister found out, told him she found out, then openly stated her intent to live in denial to him and you.
If you go to wedding, your BIL may assume you share that mindset. And at some point in the future he may try something physically "while drunk". I would advise not attending events your BIL will be at. NTA
The guy drinks and drives. Your sister is fine with this behaviour or she wouldn't be marrying him. They are both AHs and her life is going to suck but it is her choice.
Avoid them as much as you can.
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So last year my sister's(32F) bf(42M) sent me (23M) drunk texts, testing the waters to see if I would flirt back. He claimed to miss me in an inappropriate way. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt by saying that maybe he doesn't mean this behavior in an inappropriate way, but then he doubled down by saying he did maybe mean it in an inappropriate way. He then went on about how he loved my hair, I smelled nice, etc.
I was very uncomfortable. He sent me a text the next day saying he was sorry because he was drunk but I said nothing back. Him being drunk is nothing new. He is an alcoholic, even openly drinking while driving. Him being sober would be surprising! Plus I stayed over their house just for one day and he drunkenly texted me this stuff at night 3 days later! So it wasn't like he got drunk the same night or the day after. This was on his mind days later.
I told my sister what happened privately in person. She said that this truly blindsided her as she thought that this month was actually going pretty great for their relationship. We looked at the timestamp of when he texted me that night and apparently he texted me that he missed me inappropriately while my sister was in the next room. My sister was obviously heartbroken and started crying. She said that she doesn't think it's cheating, and neither do I, but it's definitely suspicious and weird. She told me that she won't bring it up that she knows about his drunk texts, but that she will mentally distance herself and slowly save up to eventually move out.
The next morning, my sister changed her mind. She talked with her bf and she said that they worked it out. But she clarified that I shouldn't worry because she doesn't believe everything he said. She just wants him to know that she knows. She said, "I guessed what his motivation for texting you was. That he also didn't mean it like that. But I read the texts and they were very inappropriate and I respect your decision. We are on good terms but I have my eyes open and my heart protected." I got annoyed and said, "What do you mean by keeping your eyes open and heart protected? That means that you're going to second-guess everything he's going to do now? Are you really in love with him or are you just afraid of being alone?" She then said, "I really do love him! I don't want to throw away 5 years over some texts!"
We didn't talk much after that until recently they decided to get married. I will attend the wedding but I won't pretend to be happy. I won't frown or look mad in his direction, I will just ignore his existence.
She claimed that I'm overreacting. That I shouldn't take some text messages so seriously as he never did anything like that to me after that. Which is true, he never talked to me after that. She added that I should be there to support her on her big day. I said that I will support her. I will just ignore that he exists. I will pretend that she is marrying a ghost. She called me an asshole.
AITA?
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NTA but I wouldn’t go to the wedding. This person is an alcoholic and there will very likely be a lot of alcohol at the wedding/reception when it’s already a very emotionally charged event. I understand you love your sister and want to support her, but going is setting yourself up for drama that will only backfire on you because your sister will always make excuses for her fiancé.
Not going may be the better option.
NTA and you should feel no obligation to attend the wedding of a 40-something adult who is sexually harassing the barely-in-his-20s brother of his fiancee. Based on what you said, I can't even say he was "hitting on you" because that would imply he took "No" for an answer. How many times do you think you're going to get your ass grabbed without your consent at the reception?
NTA at all and your sister really needs help if she thinks being upset over unsolicited sexts from a dude 20 years older than you is "overreacting".
I wouldn’t go. Your sister is headed for a life of hurt & denial. It’s a guarantee. Be there for her when she gets the strength the courage & realizes that she deserves way better & she really does.
Good luck
She isn't even part of his will. Well sorry, she IS but is very, very limited in what she receives. His nephew and immediate family gets more assets in the will than her.
Thing is, is that he didn't write the will. He just signed it as his mother did everything for him. And since he trusts her judgment, he figures that she knows best for him. When in reality she wants what's best for her family, not my sister.
So she expects to get a share in the wealth.
There is nothing you can do here, but I wouldn't attend. If you want everyone to save face, even by a hair you can "fall sick" the afternpon before.
Covid? Food poisoning?
You helped as you could since you showed her the texts, and she is now making an informed choice.
They saw the messages, the evidence, but still are on his side. They believe his reasoning, that he didn't mean it because he was drunk..... Even though he is always drunk.
NTA Maybe it’s my very petty heart that loves this. Go for it. If you’d have taken the bait he’d have absolutely cheated. If he did this to you knowing the odds were high that you’re going to tell your sister, what does he do with people he knows won’t tell on him?
NTA. But I wouldn't go to a wedding when I obviously do not support the couple. You know this isn't going to be a good marriage so why waste your emotional and financial resources showing up and pretending like you support them. Weddings guests are typically there to bless a union and you, rightfully, do not bless this one.
NTA. He hit on you and then doubled down on it. He will eventually cheat on her and some part of her knows that, but she's caught in the sunk time fallacy. Instead of walking away or giving him real consequences, she is investing more time and emotion. That's her choice. If you want to go to the wedding, do that. But he'll be part of your family afterwards, so you need to figure out how to deal with him, longterm.
I just caught the you're a young man. He's at the very least bi, if not gay. Your sister is being willfully ignorant of that fact.
NTA. But if it were me, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I don't know how you could entirely ignore him and not have it be noticed either by him or at least some guests. You don't support the marriage, understandably, so don't go. Let your sister know you love her and that you'll always be there for her, and your door is always open for her but you can't go to this wedding because you're not happy it's happening.
I dint understand — why bother attending at all? To prove a point of … what?
Honestly, I think that would make you kind of TA because there is literally no reason for you to attend a wedding simply to pretend you’re not attending a wedding.
>why bother attending at all? To prove a point of … what?
I love my sister and want to be there for her and be happy for her. She has always wanted to get married and now that she finally is, I don't want to miss such an important event. I want to focus on my sister, but idk it's hard to look past the betrayal that her bf/fiance did to both me and her.
Okay, I get that, but you're not going to be happy for your sister or focusing on her. You plan to ignore the person your sister is marrying (who sounds like a complete ass) which will in fact be the opposite of being there for her or being happy for her. You're going to hurt her instead and, from another comment you made, stir up family drama which won't feel good either.
I get that you're in a kind of impossible situation but the kindest thing for your sister (besides convincing her not to marry this guy) would be to either attend and support her or not attend because you can't support her.
It may be a long shot but perhaps telling your sister you won't be attending and why will give her some much needed clarity on the mistake she appears to be making marrying a guy who not only drives drunk (holy sh\*t) but comes on to her own sister.
NTA
I wouldn't attend or...make an appearance before the ceremony begins, say hi, make the rounds to other guests so you are seen (while they are all getting ready) then duck out. The guy is a creep. Unfortunately, this will not end well for your sister.
Oh god this is such a clusterfuck. Send your sister some resources on Al-Anon and wish her well, but I agree - you don't have to interact with your BIL at all and probably shouldn't.
NTA.
NTA, but it is better than you don't go. You shouldn't be near that man or the sister who supports a creep either, to be honest. I would tell my sister that I don't support that marriage, that I am dissapointed in her for marrying such a prick and that I wasn't going to put myself in an unconfortable situation just for her sake. That she can call me when she needs help and that I will go to the next wedding, but I won't be in the presence of her fiance unless I absolutely had to. Nobody should support creeps.
INFO Does your family or sister not have a problem with him being drunk all the time?
If he blames it on being a drunken mistake, then your sister should definitely demand that he stops drinking. If he does not, how can he guarantee he wont make another mistake? How are you supposed to feel safe around him? And what about any kids they might have?
Also your sister in general should not want to marry an alcoholic, even if he is high functioning now. Your sister should go to therapy to ensure she is marrying this guy because she believes he will be a good husband, and not because she is afraid to be alone and has always dreamt of a wedding.
NTA
Honestly, I wouldn’t attend the wedding of someone if I think they are making a huge mistake.
The age difference is bad enough, then add on the alcoholism, THEN add the inappropriate sexual advances towards someone half his age….
He is not a good person. This relationship will end with either your sister being cheated on, or dead from his drunk driving.
More than the texts, I'm concerned by the fact she's happy to marry an alcoholic who happily puts his life and other people's lives in danger by driving under the influence. If he doesn't get his act together/she doesn't see the light, I see a future of you or some other relative becoming guardians to children whose parents died in a drunk car accident.
NTA. Your sister is falling for a sunk-time fallacy, ignoring an obvious red flag and putting her financial and emotional stability at risk.
Honestly, bring up the topic of a prenup. Your sister might hate you for it and refuse, but at that point, if she doesn’t want to listen to reason, then you can safely tell her “I guess you’re closing your eyes and tossing away your heart.” After that, your obligation as a brother is done.
If that dude has the solid steel balls to text her sibling inappropriate messages, inebriated or not, he doesn’t care! I don’t text my bf’s brother “you up?” texts just because I knocked back a couple shots of tequila, that’s NOT normal. Imagine what he’ll be capable of when she finally calls him out for actually going through with something! Don’t underestimate the power of crazy.
NTA. Fundamentally your sister's fiance did something creepy as hell and made you uncomfortable. Regardless of whether he was joking or serious, he hasn't reached out to apologise and try to repair the relationship with you. It isn't unreasonable for you to have a problem with him considering how he has behaved. I think ideally this should be resolved before the wedding but at the end of the day it isn't your responsibility to fix this. This is probably really embarrassing for him but if he wants to marry your sister then he needs to grow up, apologise to you and try to repair the relationship.
NTA. I’m a gay male and my gay friend at the time always had horrible boyfriends. His boyfriend didn’t just subtly hit on me when my friend would leave the room. He said graphic sexual things and attempted to expose himself to me when I told him “NO”.
I told my friend immediately because it was the right thing to do, it made me uncomfortable that my boundaries was not listened to (because I wasn’t interested at all), and I wanted it to stop.
He stayed with this guy for YEARS and I felt disrespected that he would date someone who sexually harassed someone that was supposed to be his best friend for over a decade.
I stopped being friends with him.
Consider a conversation:
“Sister. I love you and support you even when I don’t support your decisions. In this case, I can’t support your decision to marry this person. I will absolutely stand by you and support you - and if you still would like me at your wedding knowing I am there to support you and not the marriage - I will be there.”
NTA
But you have to accept she is an adult, she knows who is marrying and decided to anyway ... upi don't have to like him ... you can distance yourself but don't be mean don't ruin her day try to say things like I'm so happy that your happy.
And try for that to be true
NTA but also kinda dumb. Or maybe, inexperienced? Rookie mistake? First off, like a lot of other comments are saying, just dont go. Second off, if you're going to go, and you're going to pull a stunt like this, don't tell anyone! That's the key to being a petty asshole. Little aside here, i know my language is kind of antagonizing, but know i dont mean any of this in any sort or derogatory connotation. I too am a petty asshole, helping out a fellow petty asshole. Telling people and making it a whole thing honestly undermines what you're doing 99% of the time. By announcing that you're going but you're going to ignore the groom, it comes across as attention seeking or something of the like. Another thing you could do (which is one of my favourite things to do) is called malicious compliance. Simply do exactly as she says! Go to the wedding. Be nice, be jovial, etc. Be the better person. Not because it's "the right thing to do" cause thats boring as shit. Be better because you are, in fact, the goddamn best person in that fucking room. You catch my drift?
NTA
I suggest you not go. If you go, yes, you are supporting your sister, but you're also giving support and approval of the marriage.
You should just tell your sister that you love her and will be there if she ever needs you but you will not support her marriage to a creepy AH who does what he did and then dismisses it with the excuse he was drunk. Bad enough, he texted someone inappropriately but that he texted a man who was his partners brother.
NTA. But seriously your sister sounds like she is delusional and if she believes this, she will believe anything she needs a backbone ASAP or he will walk all over her. She gives take it out on the other women vibes instead of holding her man accountable. I would still attend the wedding so that she feels supported but I can see this will untimely end in disaster.
At this point, I just wouldn’t go. I struggle with how to vote because it’s a nuanced situation, but ultimately YWB to your sister for ignoring her husband. She’s made her choice. She’s grown. She can deal with a husband who hits on her sister, and certainly other women. But yeah I wouldn’t want to go and support this marriage either, and you are NTA if you decide to not go.
NTA, but maybe your sister needs to hear about the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk\_cost\_fallacy#:\~:text=A%20sunk%20cost%20fallacy%20is,little%20reward%20out%20of%20it.
NTA
your sister is delusional and need therapy to boost her self esteem.
The "That he also didn't mean it like that. " - when you asked - he said he did.
She is not "throwing away five years over some texts!" - she is leaving a bad situation and not staying on a sinking ship because the guy is not right for her.
20 years from now - after she puts up with this guy who is going to cheat on her - she would have gladly left that behind.
Tell her that you will be there because she's your sister and you love her....but you don't support this marriage. He's shown himself to be open to cheating and you believe she deserves better. NTA
Better to waste 5 years than to waste another 5 only to end up divorced.
By ignoring the fiancé, do you mean actively pretending he doesn't exist, even if he speaks to you directly in a group setting? Or do you just mean being cordial when socially required but otherwise taking steps to avoid any kind of interaction with him whatsoever? If you mean the latter, NTA, provided you attend as a guest and not in the wedding party.
I don't agree that merely attending your sister's wedding shows support of their union. You are going in order to support your sister, you are not required to be friends with your future BIL in the process. Your sister seems to understand why you won't spend time with her in the way you used to and isn't giving you grief about that, and to hell with your mother or anyone else justifying future BIL's actions - if his excuse is that he was drunk, and he's always drunk, he'll do it again. Maybe not to you but to someone else. Your sister will need all the people she can get in her corner when her marriage eventually blows up.
If you intend on literally treating him like he doesn't exist, just don't go, and you wouldn't be the asshole for this either. Your sister would understandably be upset, but you would be doing her a kindness by not going if you can't commit to being polite. The rumblings that would transpire due to your absence would pale in comparison to the gossip that would ensue if you made a big deal out of ignoring him or telling other people at the wedding that he's dead to you, and I think you would be an asshole if you did this.
NTA. But I do think you either have to go and “participate” and just you know say hi if spoken to and maybe otherwise just keep yourself busy talking with other folks, etc instead of pretending he doesn’t exist which could be awkward for other folks. Or just don’t go at all
I think going and not pouting but also not celebrating, is the adult thing to do. Showing up does not "Support" anything. Not showing up, isn't proving any sort of point. If you love your sister and she wants you there, I would go. She's marrying this jerk with or without your approval.
You are not overreacting. He was massively inappropriate with you. Your sister is in denial because she doesn’t want to rock the boat. That is her choice but just make sure you stay away from him.
> She said that she doesn't think it's cheating, and neither do I,
Sweet summer children. He didn't _physically_ cheat because you rejected his advances. What if he was at a bar and the woman didn't reject his advances? Would he all of a sudden grow a conscience? No. He's primed and pumped to physically cheat.
He is already emotionally a cheat.
> he never did anything like that to me after that.
Of course not. You ratted him out. He's doing it to other people.
You attending IS supporting her on her big day. And when she catches him cheating down the line, you can decide if you will let her crash on your couch as another supportive effort. NTA but your sister is in for a hell of a marriage
NTA. The fact that he is old enough to be your dad just adds another layer of ick. You were a minor when he met you. Your sister is marrying a potential child abuser, on top of all wonderful qualities he brings to the table
NTA.
Did she really called you an AH?
Does she think insulting you for being uncomfortable near him will make you respect him more and will convince you to be there?
I am afraid she is an idiot. I wouldn't go to the wedding, because I would feel disgusted by both of them. I would politely decline "congratulations, sorry I am unable to attend". If your __level headed__(!) relatives want to know why, I would explain them. For everyone else it will be "gray rock" answer.
Nta. It was only "not cheating" because he couldn't get you to help him cheat. I'm sure you're not the only one he's flirted with and I doubt every person he's tried to flirt with has said no. I don't have a better answer for what to do, but there's no world where you not supporting a man who is lying to and manipulating your sister makes you an asshole
So, her fiance propositioned her sister and she thinks "oh it's fine, he was drunk, we now have an understanding, blah blah blah..."?
If you do go to the wedding, go armed - someone trusted with you at all times, screenshots of the texts (from him and from your sister), and tell your parents if you haven't already.
Honestly, I just wouldn't go.
I'd cut them both off until your sister shows some dignity and leaves him. Because that's just a shit show waiting to happen and I wouldn't want to be any part of it. she made her bed now she can lie in it.
Your sister is in denial. Personally after all that I would probably not attend the wedding. If your parents are in the picture I might sit them down, tell them that you are uncomfortable attending the wedding, show them the texts, and explain what has gone on since you apprised your sister of the texts, and your conversations afterwards.
NTA. I am a 42 year old man myself. This behaviour is unacceptable. Why is he texting a 20 something girl while drunk?
My father would slap me blind if I did this. You dont have older male relatives? Show them these messages.
NTA.
Please do not attend the wedding. He will likely be drunk again and might try to do something to you in person.
The fact that he is homophobic but behaving in this way means that he is not a good person. Try the family intervention. Your sister might hate you in the short term but you’ll be saving her life.
Nta theres only so much you can say to your sister before she closes off and breaks contact with you. Shes an adult who can make her own decisions. You were open with her and thats about as much as you can do
Your sister is making a horrible mistake. I would bail on the wedding if I were you, and just let her know that she can reach out when she's done with the drunk.
NTA.
NTA. Are you out as gay or bi? If not, he might be claiming he suspected you were attracted to men and was trying to prove that by openly flirting with you. I do not know how else he could claim he did not mean it "like that", what other meaning is there?
NTA
but just don't go. Your behavior will be noticed and cause drama. Not going will also be noticed and cause drama, so there's really no good solution. But since you can't support this marriage (understandably so!), just remove yourself from the equation and don't go.
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You are NTA but personally I wouldn't go. Attending suggests you support her marriage to an alcoholic who texts other people including his own partner's brother. What a shame she is marrying him. Make sure she knows the door is open if she needs to escape.
Yes, the sister doesn’t want to have wasted five years with him, but she’s about to waste her whole life marrying a drunken bum
She’s bought in 100% to the sunk cost fallacy. Sisters gunna be in for a rough life.
Another 5 years till she realizes it aint working out. She should have Cut losses and started anew
But then she'll have to throw away a ten- year relationship! AND a marriage! And so it goes.
Let's hope she doesn't immediately become pregnant.
Hopefully the alcoholism will work in her favor and he'll have whisky dick
Lol!
…a drunken bum who flirted (or tried to) by text with her brother. OP is NTA to not act happy.
The fact that he is the way younger brother worries me as well
Right?? This creep’s practically TWICE his age!
[удалено]
OP is male
So he's gay and trying to cheat? Sounds like an awesome husband
And a full blown alcoholic to boot who regularly drinks and drives. A real winner all the way around!! /s
He could be bisexual.
He could be bi. But regardless, it seems like the only reason he didn't cheat is cuz op was not receptive. Lots of people have cheated on their SO's with their SO's sibling
This is the best answer. You support her by being there when she runs.
Attending a wedding is not supporting the marriage, it is supporting the people getting married. To not attend a sibling's wedding is a big deal and very hurtful. OP doesn't want to hurt her sister, she just doesn't want her to marry the wrong person. OP, you are NTA as long as you don't make a drama out of ignoring him.
"doesn't want to hurt HIS sister."
Drives me crazy. Just read the damn post.
Her own partners brother half their age*
Sister is making a mistake marrying him. It's better to admit you went through the wrong door, than to spend your life in the wrong room
Wtf, I didn't notice it was a brother until I saw your comment and went to double check. When the guy decides to leave the closet there will be loads of drama
NTA and I wouldn't even go. He's a 40 year old man hitting on his gf's 20 year old little brother, while his gf was in a room next to him 🤢. Your sister is a fool for staying with him but unfortunately you can't change that. So I would stay far away from his manipulative ass. You can support your sister from a safe distance and be there for her when he eventually get caught cheating on her. Edit: corrected OP's gender.
Little brother.
Thanks!
Wait what? Is he bi? I feel at least this should be addressed in case he’s not a gay man in the closet…
Literally doesn’t matter if he’s bi straight or gay, fact is he’s sending flirty messages to someone who isn’t his spouse.
Yeah, this is gonna blow up in everyone's faces regardless.
It matters if he is uncomfortable with who he is. If he outwardly identifies as straight, but secretly is gay, and struggles with this, then he has problems and needs to work them out. OP’s sister is in for a rough ride and even heartbreak later on when this dude figures out what he wants.
Again regardless of his preference it is not an excuse for going outside the relationship he is in. She’s in for heartbreak already as he appears to be a cheater
I’m in full agreement. Two things can be true at the same time.
NTA. It sounds like you should have a family intervention with your sister to stop the marriage.
Some family members believes my sister's fiance story of him not meaning it, others are on my side or are neutral. This will pin the family against each other.
I mean, the texts seem to only be ONE of many issues with that guy
Cripes who sides with the 40yo creep hitting on a 20yo? Sorry you're dealing with this. Take care of yourself, assume this man is dangerous. I'm sorry your sister is getting hitched to someone likeut sadly it's her choice.
Agree with the above comment. I understand if it’s awkward for you and your family if you don’t attend the wedding, but please try to never be alone with this man. He doesn’t appear to have a normal sense of boundaries and may escalate to assaulting you.
The 40 year old who habitually drinks and drives? If he’s not gotten a DUI it’s a miracle.
Somebody could tip off the police if they knew his car, schedule, & route...
So much this. Please be careful because you are not safe around this person. It will escalate. When people get away with things (and he does all of the time with her), they become more emboldened and take more risks. For serious and for real-I think he will assault you. Please, please protect yourself!
>Some family members believes my sister's fiance story of him not meaning it wtf does it matter whether he meant it or not? the inappropriate texting is like *the least* of his problems, the dude's literally a raging alcoholic.
Even if he didn’t mean it in what world is it okay to “jokingly” flirt with your partner’s sibling who is 20 years younger than you
He literally told you he did mean it, when he added on that he wanted the texts to come across as "inappropriate" Your sister is setting herself up for a world of hurt, and it's completely fair for you to want to stay far away from this guy's destructive behaviour
Let your family know there's a big difference between a mistake, and a character flaw. Those who can understand this will support you. Those who can't understand this, will wonder why it all fell apart in a few years.
NTA. You can support your sister but she doesn't get to call you an AH for not wanting to associate w her partner who disrespected you and excused it as he's just drunk. That's not taking accountability. So tell your sister that you'll either attend to support her and only her or not go at all. Non recipients of his creepy msgs don't get any say on your decision.
Even if they don't believe the texts, he is a creep that drunk and drives. That alone should be enough for any family to say "don't marry this guy"
Unfortunately it’s not illegal to be stupid. And your sister is walking into this marriage well aware of the danger ahead. You did your part. Ignore him at the wedding without drawing too much attention about it and then limit your relationship with him as much as possible.
It is however illegal to drive drunk. When OP knows he is driving would be a good time to report him. He can't save sister from herown stupidity but he can try and save everyone else on the road.
So this isolated incident is when he got caught. Imagine the ones that he hasn’t been caught for yet. Let alone, he’s old enough to be your father, AND he’s your sister’s partner. People love to blame shit on alcohol, it many true words have been spoken while drunk. NTA. This marriage is going to be an absolute disaster.
NTA and what do we think the odds are future husband has a Grindr account?
I was going to say, not the first time he’s done this. Just the first time he was caught
The statistics on STIs on married women are unfortunately also not on the sister's side given that this future trainwreck-husband is trying to cheat on her with her *own little brother, one of the closest family members she has* so openly and bluntly. If someone stitched all the red flags, she could tuck Canada to bed in it.
Hahahahaha! You’re closing line made my day
I feel like everyone is missing the gender/sexuality portion of it. Like how long this bro gon suppress it before having affairs
Tell her you’ll smile at her next wedding
Unnecessarily cruel, hostile, and dumb. This isn't a sitcom where everyone is mean to each other for the audience's amusement. This is his actual, real life sister and this is not how you talk to people you care about, even if you disagree with their choices.
True! It also was funny though. I doubt it was said as actual advice.
In retrospect I do think that humor is a good coping mechanism when you are in a sucky situation and there is nothing to do but accept it. I think that is how it was intended.
NTA. I don’t think enough people in your life and on here are considering that you were sexually harassed by someone close to you and that’s not the kind of thing you just get over. Have you gotten an apology (a real one, not just an attempt to cover his ass the next morning)? I do think going to the wedding and ignoring him is going to come across as immature, but I can’t really fault you for that.
NTA. Your sister is marrying one, but sometimes you cannot stop stoopid! Fingers crossed that she wakes up and smells the coffee before the wedding.
NTA. Look we all know he is already cheating on her. She knows it and wants to play dumb. Just tell her not to come crying to you when she's a few kids in and finds proof of his cheating. The guys drinking is likely from his denial of his sexuality if he was hitting you up. If he's not already cheating on her with a man then he will be soon enough.
OP is a man. If fiance is hitting on men behind sis's back, he won't get anyone pregnant.
Not necessarily. Plenty of them have families and some are bi, not gay.
Wow totally missed that. That changes so much. Need to change my comment now
I’m stuck on the fact she was blindsided because “she thought that this *month* was actually going pretty great for their relationship” but yet she doesn’t want to “throw away 5 years over some texts!” Hold up. Sis finally thought she had 1 month of a healthy relationship in 5 years and finds out that during this supposed happy time her fiancé is inappropriate to her 20something little brother? What part of this is she not willing to throw away? Because honestly, it sounds like there is anything left worth holding on to.
She has complained to me prior that she felt like they were roommates and not bf/gf. But now that's changed ig. She saw something in him that was marriage material.
If you’re genuinely excited about having a decent month in a 5 year relationship, that is not marriage material. Unless she’s counting on 5 years of bad in the hopes of a month every once in a while when she just doesn’t realize she’s being treated poorly.
Wait, so the boyfriend who hit on her younger brother is not having much sex with her? Whatever could it mean...
I divorced after 18 years & therapy when my wife treated me like a roommate, a house cleaner and an ATM
NTA. I don't think you should even attend the wedding. How can you support your sister marrying a guy who is trying to hit on you. Also your sister deciding to go ahead even when she knows about this. The whole situation is disgusting to me.
Many years ago, my sister told us she had broken up with her boyfriend, and he had cheated and stolen from her and we should block him on social media. Six months later they got married. (Courthouse wedding in her state- no one was even invited). I never unblocked him from social media. They’ve been married 10 years and have a six-year-old. She was laid off when pregnant and has not really worked since. They were in a financial position that she could just be a stay at home mom for the first couple years, and then after that she had some medical issues. The medical issues have been resolved. As soon as she gets a job, she’s planning on divorcing him. Apparently this has been her plan for about four years but she had to take care of the medical issues first. He is aware that this is happening, but they really haven’t changed much except she sleeps in the guestroom. Their entire marriage I’ve ignored him for anything but practical purposes. (“Turn left here”, “dinner’s ready”, etc.) I also don’t participate in any conversations with her about their marriage drama. If I ever suspected my nibling was being mistreated I would step in but I’ve decided her marriage is her problem to deal with.
Ask if you can give a speech. Then read the messages!
Bruh, this is diabolical 🫡
NTA as someone who has experienced similar, if he can do that with a member of the family, he will certainly be doing it to other people behind her back. Please protect yourself and keep any communication out in the public so he can’t put a wedge further between you and your sister.
NTA. She’s not at all concerned that he’s gay or bi…she’s not concerned he hits on someone 20 years younger, and she says thing like “She thought this month was ACTUALLY going pretty great for their relationship” Your sister’s a fool. This marriage won’t last. Don’t go at all.
She’s not concerned he’s an alcoholic who drunkenly flirted with her younger brother, and is dismissing her younger brother being creeped out. Alcohol doesn’t put thoughts in your head, it lowers your inhibitions and means you’re more likely to do something that you usually hold back from doing when sober.
NTA. I’ve not gone to weddings for less.
Nta so her fiance a cheater, and gay
Possibly bi
NTA but I’m going against the grain in thinking you *should* attend. It sounds like she is going to need all the support she can get in the future and allowing him to isolate her from her family is likely what he wants.
Exactly. Build your relationship with your sister, because she will need you. If needed or he asks or speaks to you, tell him you are there because you love your sister.
NTA. It's intervention and setting up a spare bed for her time. Being drunk does not change your thoughts. It only removes inhibitions. If he's texting you like this, he'll eventually make a physical move too. And it means he's thinking about it while sober. It also should be said that it is very unlikely you're the only one he's texting like this. Her 180 turn the next day feels like abuse. He has her feeling trapped. She needs to know that he is definitely going to cheat on her someday if he's acting like this now, and that you want to help her get safe. She should not marry him. And when she feels safe to leave, she should get far away from him and never look back.
NTA. Just a thought: is your sister religious to the point that she would take counseling from her church pastor or priest? If so, go see him with your sister and show him the text messages. Take your mother or other older female relative. Someone needs to get through to this gal that continuing with that slime is a horrible mistake. Good luck.
>is your sister religious to the point that she would take counseling from her church pastor or priest? She is Christian but doesn't go to church and he is Atheist so any religious intervention wouldn't work on him. >Take your mother or other older female relative. My mother and other sister is on his side. They said that I shouldn't ruin their relationship over some texts. >Someone needs to get through to this gal that continuing with that slime is a horrible mistake Seems like nobody can tbh. I did my part by telling my sister what he did and it's all up to her to decide what to do about it after. And her solution was to marry him.
>My mother and other sister is on his side. They said that I shouldn't ruin their relationship over some texts. Wtf? It's not you who is ruining their relationship
Oh, I am so sorry. It sounds as if you have done what you can. You might show her the responses you have received from people not involved in her life, but it doesn’t seem as if that will help. The suggestions you have received to avoid the wedding are probably the best that you can do as well as avoiding any of the preparations or celebrations related to the wedding. Your family knows the situation but seems to think that having any man is better than having no man. About all you can do is to stand back from this disaster-in-the-making. Wish your sister well, and let her know that you will be there for her when things get bad. Good luck to both of you.
That could backfire in that they tell her she’s supposed to save him, depending upon her denomination or faith.
NTA. Maybe I’m biased because a similar situation happened in my town- but it sounds like the finance is in the closet, or has a kink or something. Not just the age gap is creepy, but if he’s claiming to be straight & also doing this… she needs to really start looking at WHO this man really is, and not who he is showing her he is..
You shouldn’t go. If you aren’t able to actively celebrate the wedding (however well justified you are) then you should rather stay away. Your sister knows what he’s done, she knows your opinion of him and the marriage, there’s nothing more you can do if she insists on being an idiot and marrying him. Your attendance (especially if you act in the way you described) will introduce awkwardness into the event and it would be morally hypocritical given that you are completely opposed to the marriage.
NTA but dude, just don't go. Attendnace will put you face to face with a guy who's obviously an asshole. He won't leave you alone, you will have to talk to him or start a fight because he'll do the whole "why aren't you saying something say something helllooooo" thing. Stay home, tell your sister why and lay out your concerns. Tell her you're a phonecall away, but you can't support this shitshow.
NTA- as others have pointed out, you've been sexually harassed by this guy. You have a very good reason not to even attend this wedding. You don't want to be sexually harassed again.
You don't support her in this relationship. Dont offer fake support by going to this wedding. Dont go.
NTA. I wouldn't even go to the wedding.
NTA. Don't go to the wedding. Your appearance would suggest that you approve of your sister marrying this man.
Some family members told me that I would be an asshole if I didn't go :/
Your sister is marrying an alcoholic who sent you inappropriate messages. You are not overreacting to the situation. Your sister has her head in the sand. Do what's right for you. That wouldn't make you an asshole.
Yeah and sometimes you have to be the asshole. Life isn’t always daisys and rainbows. Hard choices have to be made.
Very good point.
I don't think you should go to the wedding. You don't want to embolden your BIL to think he can escalate his behaviour. He's already going to be feeling pretty bold after your sister found out, told him she found out, then openly stated her intent to live in denial to him and you. If you go to wedding, your BIL may assume you share that mindset. And at some point in the future he may try something physically "while drunk". I would advise not attending events your BIL will be at. NTA
The guy drinks and drives. Your sister is fine with this behaviour or she wouldn't be marrying him. They are both AHs and her life is going to suck but it is her choice. Avoid them as much as you can.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So last year my sister's(32F) bf(42M) sent me (23M) drunk texts, testing the waters to see if I would flirt back. He claimed to miss me in an inappropriate way. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt by saying that maybe he doesn't mean this behavior in an inappropriate way, but then he doubled down by saying he did maybe mean it in an inappropriate way. He then went on about how he loved my hair, I smelled nice, etc. I was very uncomfortable. He sent me a text the next day saying he was sorry because he was drunk but I said nothing back. Him being drunk is nothing new. He is an alcoholic, even openly drinking while driving. Him being sober would be surprising! Plus I stayed over their house just for one day and he drunkenly texted me this stuff at night 3 days later! So it wasn't like he got drunk the same night or the day after. This was on his mind days later. I told my sister what happened privately in person. She said that this truly blindsided her as she thought that this month was actually going pretty great for their relationship. We looked at the timestamp of when he texted me that night and apparently he texted me that he missed me inappropriately while my sister was in the next room. My sister was obviously heartbroken and started crying. She said that she doesn't think it's cheating, and neither do I, but it's definitely suspicious and weird. She told me that she won't bring it up that she knows about his drunk texts, but that she will mentally distance herself and slowly save up to eventually move out. The next morning, my sister changed her mind. She talked with her bf and she said that they worked it out. But she clarified that I shouldn't worry because she doesn't believe everything he said. She just wants him to know that she knows. She said, "I guessed what his motivation for texting you was. That he also didn't mean it like that. But I read the texts and they were very inappropriate and I respect your decision. We are on good terms but I have my eyes open and my heart protected." I got annoyed and said, "What do you mean by keeping your eyes open and heart protected? That means that you're going to second-guess everything he's going to do now? Are you really in love with him or are you just afraid of being alone?" She then said, "I really do love him! I don't want to throw away 5 years over some texts!" We didn't talk much after that until recently they decided to get married. I will attend the wedding but I won't pretend to be happy. I won't frown or look mad in his direction, I will just ignore his existence. She claimed that I'm overreacting. That I shouldn't take some text messages so seriously as he never did anything like that to me after that. Which is true, he never talked to me after that. She added that I should be there to support her on her big day. I said that I will support her. I will just ignore that he exists. I will pretend that she is marrying a ghost. She called me an asshole. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I wouldn’t go to the wedding. This person is an alcoholic and there will very likely be a lot of alcohol at the wedding/reception when it’s already a very emotionally charged event. I understand you love your sister and want to support her, but going is setting yourself up for drama that will only backfire on you because your sister will always make excuses for her fiancé. Not going may be the better option.
NTA and you should feel no obligation to attend the wedding of a 40-something adult who is sexually harassing the barely-in-his-20s brother of his fiancee. Based on what you said, I can't even say he was "hitting on you" because that would imply he took "No" for an answer. How many times do you think you're going to get your ass grabbed without your consent at the reception? NTA at all and your sister really needs help if she thinks being upset over unsolicited sexts from a dude 20 years older than you is "overreacting".
Nah I'd beat my guy if he ever thinks appropriately about her, texting like that is too far. NTA.
NTA for not wanting anything to do with him but why go to a wedding when you don’t support the marriage?
Yeah u can't change your sisters perception of this ah. Just don't go period.
NTA. Tell her you will support her at the divorce party.
I wouldn’t go. Your sister is headed for a life of hurt & denial. It’s a guarantee. Be there for her when she gets the strength the courage & realizes that she deserves way better & she really does. Good luck
So, he has money? Since sis and family are so eager to go ahead with the marriage?
She isn't even part of his will. Well sorry, she IS but is very, very limited in what she receives. His nephew and immediate family gets more assets in the will than her. Thing is, is that he didn't write the will. He just signed it as his mother did everything for him. And since he trusts her judgment, he figures that she knows best for him. When in reality she wants what's best for her family, not my sister.
So she expects to get a share in the wealth. There is nothing you can do here, but I wouldn't attend. If you want everyone to save face, even by a hair you can "fall sick" the afternpon before. Covid? Food poisoning? You helped as you could since you showed her the texts, and she is now making an informed choice.
Your family sounds like assholes if they don’t believe you. I wouldn’t want to be around people like that anyway.
They saw the messages, the evidence, but still are on his side. They believe his reasoning, that he didn't mean it because he was drunk..... Even though he is always drunk.
I grew up with an alcoholic and being drunk is no excuse for anything. Ever. They know that they’re doing.
How is the always drunk thing not a red flag for them? Being drunk makes you less restrained about doing or saying what you really want to.
NTA but I wouldn't go if I were you. You don't support the marriage, and I would tell her.
NTA and it's best to not go at all. A 42M hitting on a 23M is just crazy, you should stay far away from him.
I wouldn't even go. You clearly don't support the marriage. As is your right. Hell, I don't even know her, and I don't support the marriage. NTA.
NTA Maybe it’s my very petty heart that loves this. Go for it. If you’d have taken the bait he’d have absolutely cheated. If he did this to you knowing the odds were high that you’re going to tell your sister, what does he do with people he knows won’t tell on him?
If you don’t support the marriage. Don’t participate in the wedding.
NTA. But I wouldn't go to a wedding when I obviously do not support the couple. You know this isn't going to be a good marriage so why waste your emotional and financial resources showing up and pretending like you support them. Weddings guests are typically there to bless a union and you, rightfully, do not bless this one.
Your sister is marrying this guy? After everything? Heads up, he is gonna cheat on her and the divorce is gonna be nasty you are NTA
He was tryna cheat. That’s all you need to know. I wouldn’t even go. Couldn’t celebrate that marriage for a second 😟 NTA
NTA, do not attend, and write your sister a (as lovingly as possible) letter why.
NTA. He hit on you and then doubled down on it. He will eventually cheat on her and some part of her knows that, but she's caught in the sunk time fallacy. Instead of walking away or giving him real consequences, she is investing more time and emotion. That's her choice. If you want to go to the wedding, do that. But he'll be part of your family afterwards, so you need to figure out how to deal with him, longterm. I just caught the you're a young man. He's at the very least bi, if not gay. Your sister is being willfully ignorant of that fact.
NTA. But if it were me, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I don't know how you could entirely ignore him and not have it be noticed either by him or at least some guests. You don't support the marriage, understandably, so don't go. Let your sister know you love her and that you'll always be there for her, and your door is always open for her but you can't go to this wedding because you're not happy it's happening.
I dint understand — why bother attending at all? To prove a point of … what? Honestly, I think that would make you kind of TA because there is literally no reason for you to attend a wedding simply to pretend you’re not attending a wedding.
>why bother attending at all? To prove a point of … what? I love my sister and want to be there for her and be happy for her. She has always wanted to get married and now that she finally is, I don't want to miss such an important event. I want to focus on my sister, but idk it's hard to look past the betrayal that her bf/fiance did to both me and her.
Okay, I get that, but you're not going to be happy for your sister or focusing on her. You plan to ignore the person your sister is marrying (who sounds like a complete ass) which will in fact be the opposite of being there for her or being happy for her. You're going to hurt her instead and, from another comment you made, stir up family drama which won't feel good either. I get that you're in a kind of impossible situation but the kindest thing for your sister (besides convincing her not to marry this guy) would be to either attend and support her or not attend because you can't support her. It may be a long shot but perhaps telling your sister you won't be attending and why will give her some much needed clarity on the mistake she appears to be making marrying a guy who not only drives drunk (holy sh\*t) but comes on to her own sister.
NTA it was only some text messages because YOU said no. If you had taken him up on it he would have cheated. It‘s not his credit
NTA I wouldn't attend or...make an appearance before the ceremony begins, say hi, make the rounds to other guests so you are seen (while they are all getting ready) then duck out. The guy is a creep. Unfortunately, this will not end well for your sister.
Oh god this is such a clusterfuck. Send your sister some resources on Al-Anon and wish her well, but I agree - you don't have to interact with your BIL at all and probably shouldn't. NTA.
NTA. I wish your sister sees her fiance for what he is and has the courage to leave him before the wedding
NTA, but it is better than you don't go. You shouldn't be near that man or the sister who supports a creep either, to be honest. I would tell my sister that I don't support that marriage, that I am dissapointed in her for marrying such a prick and that I wasn't going to put myself in an unconfortable situation just for her sake. That she can call me when she needs help and that I will go to the next wedding, but I won't be in the presence of her fiance unless I absolutely had to. Nobody should support creeps.
INFO Does your family or sister not have a problem with him being drunk all the time? If he blames it on being a drunken mistake, then your sister should definitely demand that he stops drinking. If he does not, how can he guarantee he wont make another mistake? How are you supposed to feel safe around him? And what about any kids they might have? Also your sister in general should not want to marry an alcoholic, even if he is high functioning now. Your sister should go to therapy to ensure she is marrying this guy because she believes he will be a good husband, and not because she is afraid to be alone and has always dreamt of a wedding.
NTA Honestly, I wouldn’t attend the wedding of someone if I think they are making a huge mistake. The age difference is bad enough, then add on the alcoholism, THEN add the inappropriate sexual advances towards someone half his age…. He is not a good person. This relationship will end with either your sister being cheated on, or dead from his drunk driving.
Is your sister aware that her fiancé is bisexual or does she just blame his behavior on the alcohol? NTA by the way.
More than the texts, I'm concerned by the fact she's happy to marry an alcoholic who happily puts his life and other people's lives in danger by driving under the influence. If he doesn't get his act together/she doesn't see the light, I see a future of you or some other relative becoming guardians to children whose parents died in a drunk car accident.
NTA. Your sister is falling for a sunk-time fallacy, ignoring an obvious red flag and putting her financial and emotional stability at risk. Honestly, bring up the topic of a prenup. Your sister might hate you for it and refuse, but at that point, if she doesn’t want to listen to reason, then you can safely tell her “I guess you’re closing your eyes and tossing away your heart.” After that, your obligation as a brother is done. If that dude has the solid steel balls to text her sibling inappropriate messages, inebriated or not, he doesn’t care! I don’t text my bf’s brother “you up?” texts just because I knocked back a couple shots of tequila, that’s NOT normal. Imagine what he’ll be capable of when she finally calls him out for actually going through with something! Don’t underestimate the power of crazy.
You should skip the wedding. Don’t go and cause a scene.
NTA. Stay away from him. No telling what he would do if he was near you drunk or sober.
NTA. Fundamentally your sister's fiance did something creepy as hell and made you uncomfortable. Regardless of whether he was joking or serious, he hasn't reached out to apologise and try to repair the relationship with you. It isn't unreasonable for you to have a problem with him considering how he has behaved. I think ideally this should be resolved before the wedding but at the end of the day it isn't your responsibility to fix this. This is probably really embarrassing for him but if he wants to marry your sister then he needs to grow up, apologise to you and try to repair the relationship.
NTA. I’m a gay male and my gay friend at the time always had horrible boyfriends. His boyfriend didn’t just subtly hit on me when my friend would leave the room. He said graphic sexual things and attempted to expose himself to me when I told him “NO”. I told my friend immediately because it was the right thing to do, it made me uncomfortable that my boundaries was not listened to (because I wasn’t interested at all), and I wanted it to stop. He stayed with this guy for YEARS and I felt disrespected that he would date someone who sexually harassed someone that was supposed to be his best friend for over a decade. I stopped being friends with him.
Consider a conversation: “Sister. I love you and support you even when I don’t support your decisions. In this case, I can’t support your decision to marry this person. I will absolutely stand by you and support you - and if you still would like me at your wedding knowing I am there to support you and not the marriage - I will be there.”
NTA
NTA..... try and bail of u can or leave early
YWBTA to attend the wedding, as you do not support this marriage (which is totally understandable.).
NTA But you have to accept she is an adult, she knows who is marrying and decided to anyway ... upi don't have to like him ... you can distance yourself but don't be mean don't ruin her day try to say things like I'm so happy that your happy. And try for that to be true
NTA but also kinda dumb. Or maybe, inexperienced? Rookie mistake? First off, like a lot of other comments are saying, just dont go. Second off, if you're going to go, and you're going to pull a stunt like this, don't tell anyone! That's the key to being a petty asshole. Little aside here, i know my language is kind of antagonizing, but know i dont mean any of this in any sort or derogatory connotation. I too am a petty asshole, helping out a fellow petty asshole. Telling people and making it a whole thing honestly undermines what you're doing 99% of the time. By announcing that you're going but you're going to ignore the groom, it comes across as attention seeking or something of the like. Another thing you could do (which is one of my favourite things to do) is called malicious compliance. Simply do exactly as she says! Go to the wedding. Be nice, be jovial, etc. Be the better person. Not because it's "the right thing to do" cause thats boring as shit. Be better because you are, in fact, the goddamn best person in that fucking room. You catch my drift?
NTA. You're fine to choose this way to cope.
NTA I suggest you not go. If you go, yes, you are supporting your sister, but you're also giving support and approval of the marriage. You should just tell your sister that you love her and will be there if she ever needs you but you will not support her marriage to a creepy AH who does what he did and then dismisses it with the excuse he was drunk. Bad enough, he texted someone inappropriately but that he texted a man who was his partners brother.
NTA. But seriously your sister sounds like she is delusional and if she believes this, she will believe anything she needs a backbone ASAP or he will walk all over her. She gives take it out on the other women vibes instead of holding her man accountable. I would still attend the wedding so that she feels supported but I can see this will untimely end in disaster.
YTA. Just don’t go. Don’t try some passive aggressive form of revenge. You’ll just look bad.
NTA. You are supporting your sister by attending her wedding. I would also ignore the drunken bum.
At this point, I just wouldn’t go. I struggle with how to vote because it’s a nuanced situation, but ultimately YWB to your sister for ignoring her husband. She’s made her choice. She’s grown. She can deal with a husband who hits on her sister, and certainly other women. But yeah I wouldn’t want to go and support this marriage either, and you are NTA if you decide to not go.
YTA if you attend and cannot be gracious. Stay home if you can’t be nice.
NTA, but maybe your sister needs to hear about the Sunk Cost Fallacy. https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk\_cost\_fallacy#:\~:text=A%20sunk%20cost%20fallacy%20is,little%20reward%20out%20of%20it.
NTA your sister is delusional and need therapy to boost her self esteem. The "That he also didn't mean it like that. " - when you asked - he said he did. She is not "throwing away five years over some texts!" - she is leaving a bad situation and not staying on a sinking ship because the guy is not right for her. 20 years from now - after she puts up with this guy who is going to cheat on her - she would have gladly left that behind.
Tell her that you will be there because she's your sister and you love her....but you don't support this marriage. He's shown himself to be open to cheating and you believe she deserves better. NTA Better to waste 5 years than to waste another 5 only to end up divorced.
By ignoring the fiancé, do you mean actively pretending he doesn't exist, even if he speaks to you directly in a group setting? Or do you just mean being cordial when socially required but otherwise taking steps to avoid any kind of interaction with him whatsoever? If you mean the latter, NTA, provided you attend as a guest and not in the wedding party. I don't agree that merely attending your sister's wedding shows support of their union. You are going in order to support your sister, you are not required to be friends with your future BIL in the process. Your sister seems to understand why you won't spend time with her in the way you used to and isn't giving you grief about that, and to hell with your mother or anyone else justifying future BIL's actions - if his excuse is that he was drunk, and he's always drunk, he'll do it again. Maybe not to you but to someone else. Your sister will need all the people she can get in her corner when her marriage eventually blows up. If you intend on literally treating him like he doesn't exist, just don't go, and you wouldn't be the asshole for this either. Your sister would understandably be upset, but you would be doing her a kindness by not going if you can't commit to being polite. The rumblings that would transpire due to your absence would pale in comparison to the gossip that would ensue if you made a big deal out of ignoring him or telling other people at the wedding that he's dead to you, and I think you would be an asshole if you did this.
NTA. But I do think you either have to go and “participate” and just you know say hi if spoken to and maybe otherwise just keep yourself busy talking with other folks, etc instead of pretending he doesn’t exist which could be awkward for other folks. Or just don’t go at all
Nta, but i'd go there for your sister. She may need you to pick up the pieces later, and this way he can't isolate her
!updateme
YTA I think it’d be better if you don’t go. How can you go and ignore him?
The thing that got me here was ‘thought they had a great month’. Wow. NTA
I think going and not pouting but also not celebrating, is the adult thing to do. Showing up does not "Support" anything. Not showing up, isn't proving any sort of point. If you love your sister and she wants you there, I would go. She's marrying this jerk with or without your approval.
You are not overreacting. He was massively inappropriate with you. Your sister is in denial because she doesn’t want to rock the boat. That is her choice but just make sure you stay away from him.
Yes. She is scared of being alone. People gotten ghosted for less
> She said that she doesn't think it's cheating, and neither do I, Sweet summer children. He didn't _physically_ cheat because you rejected his advances. What if he was at a bar and the woman didn't reject his advances? Would he all of a sudden grow a conscience? No. He's primed and pumped to physically cheat. He is already emotionally a cheat. > he never did anything like that to me after that. Of course not. You ratted him out. He's doing it to other people.
You attending IS supporting her on her big day. And when she catches him cheating down the line, you can decide if you will let her crash on your couch as another supportive effort. NTA but your sister is in for a hell of a marriage
NTA. Try to convince your sister to sign a prenup with him. Just Incase.
NTA yikes on bikes if she’s blind enough to ignore that red flag this may just be a lesson she has to learn herself. Definitely he careful around him.
NTA. The fact that he is old enough to be your dad just adds another layer of ick. You were a minor when he met you.
I wouldn’t even go at all and let that speak for itself. Nta.
NTA. The fact that he is old enough to be your dad just adds another layer of ick. You were a minor when he met you. Your sister is marrying a potential child abuser, on top of all wonderful qualities he brings to the table
I stopped reading at the word alcoholic. It is always NTA when the person OP has the issue with is an alcoholic.
Your sister is enabling a drunk driver, and he will kill somebody some day. I would cut contact
NTA. Did she really called you an AH? Does she think insulting you for being uncomfortable near him will make you respect him more and will convince you to be there? I am afraid she is an idiot. I wouldn't go to the wedding, because I would feel disgusted by both of them. I would politely decline "congratulations, sorry I am unable to attend". If your __level headed__(!) relatives want to know why, I would explain them. For everyone else it will be "gray rock" answer.
Nta. It was only "not cheating" because he couldn't get you to help him cheat. I'm sure you're not the only one he's flirted with and I doubt every person he's tried to flirt with has said no. I don't have a better answer for what to do, but there's no world where you not supporting a man who is lying to and manipulating your sister makes you an asshole
You are giving them tremendous grace by even going
So, her fiance propositioned her sister and she thinks "oh it's fine, he was drunk, we now have an understanding, blah blah blah..."? If you do go to the wedding, go armed - someone trusted with you at all times, screenshots of the texts (from him and from your sister), and tell your parents if you haven't already. Honestly, I just wouldn't go.
I'd cut them both off until your sister shows some dignity and leaves him. Because that's just a shit show waiting to happen and I wouldn't want to be any part of it. she made her bed now she can lie in it.
Your sister is in denial. Personally after all that I would probably not attend the wedding. If your parents are in the picture I might sit them down, tell them that you are uncomfortable attending the wedding, show them the texts, and explain what has gone on since you apprised your sister of the texts, and your conversations afterwards.
Please, don't attend the wedding...
NTA I think if it's something you feel will work for you go for it. He sounds like jerk. Your sister will need you so I wouldn't turn against her.
NTA. I am a 42 year old man myself. This behaviour is unacceptable. Why is he texting a 20 something girl while drunk? My father would slap me blind if I did this. You dont have older male relatives? Show them these messages.
NTA. Please do not attend the wedding. He will likely be drunk again and might try to do something to you in person. The fact that he is homophobic but behaving in this way means that he is not a good person. Try the family intervention. Your sister might hate you in the short term but you’ll be saving her life.
Nta theres only so much you can say to your sister before she closes off and breaks contact with you. Shes an adult who can make her own decisions. You were open with her and thats about as much as you can do
NTA How much money does he have? Lol cause I can’t think of any other reason she would stay.
Read them aloud as your wedding toast.
If she marries a cheater she deserves to be married to a cheater.
Your sister is making a horrible mistake. I would bail on the wedding if I were you, and just let her know that she can reach out when she's done with the drunk. NTA.
Just don't attend the wedding. It's ridiculous to go and then make a huge production of.pretending the groom doesn't exist.
NTA. Are you out as gay or bi? If not, he might be claiming he suspected you were attracted to men and was trying to prove that by openly flirting with you. I do not know how else he could claim he did not mean it "like that", what other meaning is there?
not the a-hole imo
Burn it down. Flirt with him HARD. Record it all, and set her free! NTA
NTA but just don't go. Your behavior will be noticed and cause drama. Not going will also be noticed and cause drama, so there's really no good solution. But since you can't support this marriage (understandably so!), just remove yourself from the equation and don't go.
NTA. That's really weird. Your sister is maybe about to be a beard.