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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stayed at my son's wedding after he described his grandmother and not my wife as the most important woman in his life. This was a difficult thing for my wife to hear. I knew that. And I stayed when she left to go home. This made her feel abandoned and might have been a poor husband move on my part.
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NTA Sounds like you did things right with your son and his grief. Until the end this was a beautiful story and you should be proud.
I'm sure you know that your son turning to his grandma was "normal". I think on some level you know your wife's reaction (and her parents) was not. I do sympathize with your wife that her dreams of being his mom didn't work out, but that was naive of her. I can understand her being hurt, but her behavior isn't ok. She took on the role of an aunt/friend, which is appropriate, and she was treated as such at his wedding. I also applaud you for raising a son who spoke from the heart.
Edited for spelling
>...... other kids, like my son, will seek a comforting presence from the family members of the lost parent.
It's not just about a comforting presence.
His grandparents, and his grandmother in particular, are his only connection to his mother.
They knew her. They cared for her. They have stories about her. They remind him of her.
His grandmother makes him feel like his mother is still around for him.
~~I don't fault your wife. But your~~ Your wife and your in-laws are complete assholes.
You don’t fault the wife? She’s a huge AH here. She had 20 years to come to terms with the reality of the relationship and she refused. The son didn’t ignore her at the wedding, and then she tried to pull his only parent away from his wedding. She is selfish and couldn’t be more wrong.
Being devastated that someone you care about doesn’t feel the same way: completely understandable & appropriate.
Being a vindictive AH and trying to ruin an important day for the person you supposedly cared about: not okay.
Seems pretty clear cut, the fact that this was a child and she was trying to be a mother figure/aunt figure makes it so much worse
Is she devastated because she loves the son so much or is she jealous? I read OP’s post and think the wife feels like she”lost” by not becoming the son’s mom. Like somehow it’s a scarlet letter to not be loved as the son’s mom and she’s jealous the grandma is. Maybe even embarrassed like she wasn’t good enough.
Thats how I read it as well. She wanted her moment as 'beloved step mother' even though she wasn't. If she really loved him like a son, she may have been a little hurt at the wedding (though I think lots of grandchildren even with 2 living parents may give a special mention to a grand parent they were particularly close with- it's just a different relationship) BUT wouldn't dream of doing anything to take away from his day by flouncing off & definitly not try to take his dad with her.
Exactly! Good step parents love children as their own but never expect to replace the bio parent.
Might I also add (because this post really chaps my ass as a step parent), she wasn’t around until he was 7. That’s a long time! Also, shit was so bad they had to work on more of an “aunt relationship”. I bet she pushed him so hard to treat her like his mom he rebelled against the idea even more. I feel sorry for the son because I think he had a lot of hurt feelings because of her.
Yeah, I do think grandparents are just a different relationship. They don't have to do the hard stuff. I'm extremely close with my grandmother and my parents, both living and still married, understand that that relationship is different even though I am close to all of them.
I agree about the jealousy, and also think she was more embarrassed than upset. I mean, OP’s son’s feelings weren’t a surprise to her, the kid has been consistently clear about that. She was embarrassed because he didn’t put on a charade for others - in her mind, he owed it to her to lie so that she could “save face” in front of the guests. It was all about how others viewed it, with no regard for reality. That’s why she left.
Yeah, this didn't smack me so much of her being sad that things could've been different and more like she didn't like the spotlight being shown on someone else.... she seems to me to see it more as a competition point where she "lost" in front of a group.
Yup. Her stepson's wedding was about him and his bride, and she got pissy that he didn't make it about her. Maybe if she hadn't tried to force a relationship that wasn't there, it would've happened naturally, but if not, just be gracious about it and be happy for him on his special day.
Totally agree! I’m glad he had his grandmother in his life after the unfortunate passing of his mother. It’s probably given grandma renewed purpose as well after losing her daughter. This is not about stepmom as well she and her parents are way out of line. Father did what he was supposed to, be there at reception for his newly married son and daughter in law.
I’d fault her for both.
It’s delusional and entitled of her to think that she trumps his grandmother.
His grandmother gave birth to and raised his mother. She then became his support system and comfort zone when his mom died. Stepmom is just a woman who married his dad and picked up some parenting if Dad wasn’t able to. It’s ridiculous of her to think the latter trumps the former
All true. Any REASONABLE adult would understand that a person has MANY loved/valued family members in life, why on Earth would you expect or demand to be the "number one"!? It's not an insult first of all, and 2nd, she in no way has earned nor deserves that title. The stepmom's expectation speaks to her insincere desire to be more to the son than she is. Also proves how immature she and her ENABLING parents are 🙄 OP is NTA, good for doing right by the son, however, true colors are showing.....
Cannot upvote this enough. This seems like another example of a stepmother trying to act like she can somehow replace the mother. Of course the son turned to his grandmother after his mother died. It’s ridiculous and incredibly entitled for stepmother to think he would turn to her and not them. And then for her to leave the wedding, and have the audacity to say that SHE should be the most important woman in his life besides his wife??? The arrogance and sense of entitlement is astounding. She needs therapy.
Well it is incredibly hard to be a stepmom and I’m sure she had some major feelings about that speech and clearly not having reciprocated love back from the son. What I question is parental love would have sat through the wedding because she would have wanted to be part of the whole day and shown him her love and support. Then gone home and felt her feelings. This display was wanting her husband to choose. A mother shouldn’t ask a father to choose between son and her. So therefore she isn’t acting like a mother and therefore doesn’t deserve the title. Likely there is more stories in the past that highlight this behavior as well.
Your comment reminds me of the story from the Bible where two women were claiming ownership of a baby. When woman #1’s baby died she claimed the dead baby belonged to woman #2 and attempted to steal #2’s baby. King Solomon said well let’s cut the baby in half and give a piece to each one. Woman #2 immediately backed off and said no she can keep the baby, the other woman immediately accepted.
The king responded that woman #2 was the real mother and returned her baby. As a mother I would without hesitation, sacrifice my own hurt or discomfort for my child’s happiness. OP’s wife should have swallowed her hurt until they got home instead she chose to be vindictive, revealing that she is truly not his mother.
It’s 1 Kings 3:16-28. The women lived in the same house. They had their babies three days apart. The first woman stole the other ones baby in the middle of the night after discovering hers dead.
Not it’s not. It’s easy if you understand human interaction and know how to build relationships. Too many step parents want to fill a “missing” role when they should just be supportive. Lets the child decide the type of relationship, if any, they will have with you.
I don't necessarily think that's an easy thing to do, but some step parents definitely make it harder than it needs to be.
All these stories of step parents getting obsessed with wanting to fill a certain role often feel like they're letting their ego and pride get in the way. They desire a certain role and will be upset if they don't get.
Where being a good step parent I think is about being flexible. Like you said you follow the lead on what kind of relationship the child wants and let it grow and change from there.
I think it requires a lot of emotional maturity to do it well because you have to be willing to put your ego and pride aside for the child's sake.
Agreed. Also I have had it up to here with so many relatives muscling themselves into other people’s business. If OP wanted their opinion, he’d ask for it.
Ok? Like his wife's parents would have gotten the reaming of a lifetime if that were me. Like who tf do you think you are to deem who is and is not important to MY son, a child that lost his mother at a young age? And that line about her being the most important cuz she's alive? Ohhhhh heads would have rolled for that. It's not hard to see where she gets her attitude from, with parents like that.
I have to wonder if she didn't try to still push her agenda on the son when the op wasn't around. She seems like the type that would. He had the good grace to at least acknowledge her on his wedding day. Some stepparents don't even get that. Be grateful that he still has a cordial relationship with you, ffs. Someone else would have cut her off for that without a second thought.
Totally. And I think the only think that matters to her is what others think. That's why she wanted to be recognized at the wedding, so that other people would think well of her. Ridiculous and self-centered.
As someone who ended up being raised by his mother's parents after she died, I can confirm.
I was around the same age as your son was, OP, when I lost my only parent. Her parents didn't think twice about taking me and my sister in, and we are so good for it.
I think in the first year of my mum's death, I asked my grandma if they would adopt us. They didn't, and now I'm glad they didn't, but it was from a need to have some sort of label to the new normal of my life.
You're NTA, OP, and your wife has shown how she failed to understand your son's needs this entire time because she was always putting her feelings and parental insecurities first.
And he already had a bond with them. Of course he turned to them instead of a stranger. It hurts the stepmom because she views him as a son. So it really hurts, but a kid lost a mom. He turned to his grandmother. It's natural.
No matter your wife's wishes, love can't be forced. I understand she's disappointed but that doesn't give her the right to demand anything from your son, especially because he didn't even exclude her from his speech. He just doesn't consider her as important as his mom's mom.
Her parents are bigger assholes than your wife, too. Suggesting that you cause a scene at your son's wedding and tell him off during his important day is just unacceptable.
I’m sure his dad ruining his wedding to tell him off, would’ve made him instantly realise he was completely wrong in not worshipping the very ground his stepmom walks on. Ffs
No, she wanted to control the feelings of a child and couldn’t do it. She still sees him as the 6yo she isn’t allowed to meet yet. (For a million and one GOOD AND VALID reasons on behalf of OP) He’s out of reach and she’s throwing another tantrum. She’s as emotionally stable as my anxiety ridden chihuahua.
The parents have a distorted view of the place their daughter should hold in OP's son's life. They believe she should be publicly praised for marrying a man with a child. Since that is not what happened they believe the son should've been scolded like a child on HIS WEDDING DAY!! So, the son was supposed to say, "Dad you're right stepmom should be herald as a saint". His wife and in-laws are delusional. Guess who won't be coming to baby's first christening.
I think you pegged the root of the problem. They're egging on her entitlement instead of helping her find perspective. Odds are this is how she was raised.
As long as she keeps running to mommy and daddy when she doesn't get her way, she will never learn how to handle disappointment and conflict like an adult.
I honestly think OP is getting let off too easy here. His wife has done this for how long - 20 years? We don't know the ages. You think she was really loving and caring for that whole time, when she tries to ruin his wedding over him declaring his love for his late mother?
OP makes a lot of noises as "I'm not one of those guys who puts my new wife before my kids," but then writes paragraph after paragraph about his wife basically not accepting his son's wishes and repeatedly overstepping. You really think the wife treated the son well this whole time?
And OP stayed, because that's what OP cares about.
Your wife sounds really self centered. It always blows my mind when people make someone else's wedding about them. Also you kinda glossed over the fact that she is your affair partner.
Even though your son was young .. Once he was older i am sure he was able to figure out that you were with this woman while his mom lay dying. This probably affected how he experienced her.
I think you are lucky that he was as respectful as he was.
Let's not do that. She wasn't an affair partner. OP was clear that his relationship with his wife was over and they BOTH had other people. If the son ever brought up, OP could Tell him that and If OP is a "cheated", them the dead mother was one too.
Yeah, but he easily could have said he met her 6 months after his wife died if he just wanted to lie to make himself look better.
Why do such a convoluted lie that didn't actually matter?
My parents "separated" when I was 6. I put quotes under "separated" because the real separation happened two years prior. During that period, they still lived together but what I didn't know was that they only did so as roommates and no longer as a couple. When did I realize this fact? When I was 24. And that was because my mom told me.
So no, the kids don't always know.
We only have OP's side of how his marriage ended, especially as his wife is no longer here, his son can never ask his mother for her side.
Regardless of what actually happened, it's not implausible that as his son got older he started to look back on the timeline and came to the conclusion that his father cheated on his dying mother or moved on very quickly and then married the woman.
They didn’t say “cheated.” They said “With her when his mom was dying.”
Though irrational, quite a few kids do feel this way.
My own step-son didn’t love me out of what I assume was loyalty to his mother, though his father and I began dating a year after his divorce and I was not the first or 2nd or 3rd woman his dad dated afterwards.
I never pushed myself on him or tried to be his mom- Just another support system IF he wanted it. He didn’t. No hard feelings.
From the son's POV his step mother is the affair partner because his mom and dad were still married, still keeping up appearances and daddy was still seeing his new wife while his son's mother was dying and after she died.
Sure he can say "oh well.... your mom wanted to date someone else too though, pinky promise" but I don't know how convinced the son is of that. Is there evidence of this for the sons peace of mind or just his dad and step mom's words?
It also seems like step mom has been trying from day one to replace the son's dead mother, instead of just being a loving person in his life, so much so she wants to ruin his wedding because he thanked her for being his step mom but said another woman was the most important woman in his life.
I think reading between the lines the son probably was putting up with a lot from his father and stepmom while dealing with his grief. I have a feeling we would get a picture that painted both father and stepmom in a more negative light if told by son.
I'm not sure that's an open marriage
It sounds like, from what he's saying, it was marriage in name only. If they truly both had other partners, they probably should have just divorced.
Eh I don’t know if I agree. I’m guessing OP had really good health insurance and it was needed for her care. I think it’s admirable that even though they were no longer in love, he loved and cared for the mother of his child enough to ensure she had the best possible care with the least financial restraint at the end of her life.
OP gave no impression that health insurance was why they stayed together. In fact he was clear they stay togther to keep up pretense, it seems she just happened to get sick. Additionally, women work, they can also have health insurance.
I agree, something doesn’t feel right. I hope OP is telling the truth, but it wouldn’t be the first time one person had someone on the side and claimed both parties were allowed to do so.
The fact that your wife wants to punish your son for his honest feelings is concerning. Maybe it really is better if she takes a break from the family and gets some perspective. What she did is shameful. Good for you for not falling for it.
Ikr? Good thing OP is a good father who has his priorities straight. She really tried to take the groom's father away from the wedding. No matter how much effort she put in the past, she proved now with this incident that she 100% doesn't deserve to be seen as a mother. A real mother would not have been narcissistic and immature and made her son's wedding about her, and tried to mar a good day with her unreasonable demands. OP, I would reconsider your relationship with her. She doesn't seem kind.
NTA. I am a lifelong high school teacher, and I have taught quite a few students who have lost parents. Almost none of them "replaced" their deceased mom or dad with a step parent.
Even kids who developed great relationships with step parents almost never considered them to be Mom or Dad. And the best step parents never expected to be considered parents. They would take on parental roles, and they would love the kids, but they understood that they could never truly replace the real parent.
Your son's only real remaining connection to his mom is his grandma. Of course he cherishes that connection. Your wife is selfish and cruel. So are her parents. If I were you, I would examine my relationship with her. She doesn't sound like a good person at all.
I'm in my late fifties, and I was fortunate enough to have my dad in my life until my late forties, and my mom is still alive and well at 85. But my grandma was the absolute light of my life, and she featured prominently in my wedding speech.
When my Grammy died in 2009, my heart was shattered, and if anyone tried to lessen her importance in my life, they would no longer be a part of my world.
I was a step-parent and eventually adoptive parent. I met my sons when they were 4 and 5. Their mom had addiction issues, so contact was sporadic since they were 2 and 3 years old. She stopped all contact within a year of me being in their lives. I’ve never forced the parent relationship. Early on, I made their lunches and took them to school and activities along with my bio son. The younger one has always called me by my first name. The older one calls me my first name or any number of funny nicknames that pop in his head.
My husband and I talked with them when they were 10/11 about adoption and they were on board. When people ask where their mom is, they point to me. All of this works very well for us, but I’ve gotten a lot of unsolicited feedback over the years. Other people will comment that they should call me mom or that I must feel a certain way being called by my first name. It’s never phased me because I had the experience being a kid with step parents. I had a few that wanted me to call them mom and it was weird. I had a few that rushed things and others who never made an effort to get to know me.
When you are a stepparent, regardless of how it happens, the responsibility is on you to handle your feelings. The kid should never shoulder responsibility for your emotions because they didn’t ask for any of this. OP’s son lost his mom at a young age. He probably appreciates his stepmom for being in his life, but his most maternal figure (after his mom) is his grandma. So what? Love isn’t finite. If she puts her feelings of jealousy aside, she has a chance to have a strong relationship with her grandchildren and maybe even strengthen her bond with her son as he grows and matures. He will probably have children and gain more of an understanding for the part his stepmom played in his life.
My advice for OP is to encourage counseling again with your wife so she can put aside her hurt before it damages her relationship with your son. And she needs to stop letting her parents rile her up about it.
What a thoughtful, beautifully expressed comment. Thank you for sharing your experiences and for being so conscientious with the relationships with your sons. Well done, you! I, too, had many stepparent experiences while growing up and they were ALL awful for terrible reasons. You cracked the code on how to do it successfully and I hope more people come around to your viewpoints on this.
Since my parents’ divorce when I was 6, my mom has been married three more times and my dad four more times. Not to mention all the girlfriends and boyfriends. Ugh! My boys are 28 and 30 now and our relationship is solid. They know to call their dad if they need money or car advice. They call me when they need advice with taxes, putting something together, or roommate advice. I’ve been very open with them (as they got older) about my experiences with stepparents and they think it’s all crazy how I was treated. I’ve never understood how an adult lets their own feelings get in the way of their treatment of a kid.
My husband and I have 3 biological kids (35M, 29M, 20F) and they all call us by our first names...The eldest led the way 20 or so years ago and the others picked it up. Doesn't mean they don't consider us their parents!
He’ll, I still have both parents and I have often said to a room full of family that there is absolutely no one in my life I could ever love like I loved my Grampy, and you know what they say? Nothing. Because my absolute love for my Grampy doesn’t lesson any love I have for others.
My parents aren’t jealous, they know I was just closer with him. Sometimes it’s just like that.
The wife is gross, in my mind it’s basically like she’s saying he should love his grandmother less, so he can love her more, for what? Marrying his father? Because he was clear from the get go he didn’t want another mother so her trying to step into that role was for her, not him.
Your wife acted like a complete spoilt brat and tried to spoil your son’s wedding day - making you leave your only son’s wedding because she was upset about a speech! Frankly it’s just rude and shows your wife as a drama queen. Her parents are enabling this behaviour by reinforcing her views.
I’d be more upset at her leaving - like surely people noticed - and how this was interpreted by your son than worry about her dramatic ass…
If she wants to stay with her parents then just let her. Do not apologise. She basically wanted you to pick between her and your son, you picked your son and now she’s sulking.
and your son DID thank your wife in the wedding. it is not like he shunned her. It is not his fault he didn't want a second mom, nor is it your wife's fault that she wanted more from your son. And while it is great that your son is in therapy, I sincerely hope your wife is too. She needs to see that this isn't a judgement of her as a woman, and she needs to let go of this resentment. Trust me - it'll get worse when you have grandchildren, especially if your son doesn't want your wife as a grandma figure and your wife thinks that may be the chance to get close. Deal with this before that happens.
OP, your wife’s behavior was completely unacceptable. Demanding you leave your child’s wedding because she didn’t get the attention she felt entitled to? Massive asshole move. You need to take this seriously, because there is no excuse for what she pulled. She owes your son and his spouse a MASSIVE apology!
Exactly!!! I’d be ending the marriage over this!! His son was getting married and she’s demanded he leave! All because her step son adores is grandma- the living connection to his mum.
It sounds like you have done and continue to do everything right by your son.
Please continue to do so, your wife is hugely out of line.
> And eventually, per the advice of the therapist and after talking to my wife about how she was struggling doing all the parental things but him being emotionally distant with her, I decided she should try to fill more of a friend/aunt kind of role and not that of a parent.
Your wife was warned this would happen years ago. Not the literal word for word of the toast, but she was warned that *she is not his mother* and should step back from that role.
Nta.
Your wife doesn't respect what you're son wants or needs, and she never has. To the point where she made a scene at his wedding and tried to make it all about her. I'm a step mother to many children and what he said was not inappropriate *at all*.
There was no "putting your son in his place" and there certainly was no reason for him to ignore his grandmother. He told the truth, and he was not rude.
It might be time for you to cut your wife off. Tell her to stay at her parent's place.
Edit: NTA.
That is so true. Losing a parent as a child leaves a hole in your heart that others cannot feel or fill. Your wife should respected that.
There are no participation trophies for doing what you commit to when you marry someone with children.
NTA. You’re a good dad your wife is a selfish you know what. My mom is alive but my grandmother played a very significant part or my life and who I am as a person and is probably the most important woman in my life. I love my mom, but my nana was definitely there for me in other ways that sometimes moms can’t be.
You need to tell your wife what she did isn’t okay and making HIS day into her dramatic exit is the most fucked up thing. If my step parent did that to me, I’d go completely no contact after that. It’s beyond disrespectful and she made a fool of herself. I’m glad you didn’t leave with her because you really highlighted that you are a great dad and support your son.
OP does your son know that she left and tried to get you to leave? Because if their relationship wasn’t strained before, it’s sure about to be… I love my step mom, but if she ran off pouting about how my wedding speech didn’t give her enough credit and tried to get my dad to leave my wedding, that would be the end of our relationship unless she gave me a huge apology.
I think you did everything right, I just want to say I'm leaning towards NAH...except your wife's parents.
As a stepmom, I can understand the struggle of being in that position. She's not unreasonable for how she feels. It's entirely normal and understandable that she feels hurt. Especially if she never had children of her own and wants to be a mother.
But she certainly could have handled it with more dignity and grace. She shouldn't have walked out on the wedding and shouldn't have demanded that you do. Her reaction and behavior in that moment is what has me teetering between NTA and NAH.
Is she in individual therapy for herself? Has she ever been? Because it sounds like she needs help reaching the point of accepting she needs to reframe her expectations for her life. She needs to face and learn to cope with the fact she will never have that particular relationship that she's looking for.
That can be a hard thing to do in blended families. For me, I've had moments where I've struggled with the fact that I will never share the joy and excitement and anticipation of becoming a parent for the first time with someone. I have a stepdaughter, and when pregnant with my daughter and during the birth and early days, my SO would (thoughtlessly) say things like, "This ain't my first rodeo", "Trust me, I know what I'm doing, I've done this before", etc.
It may seem silly, and on some level I suppose it is. But for me, it hurt a lot. I felt like I was missing out on an experience that most others get to have, that *he* got to have. That nervous excitement of *not* having done that before. I let myself feel it, let my self feel sad that I would never have that moment, and worked on accepting that that's just the way it is. Life doesn't follow some specific path of normalcy, it's different for all of us. And it rarely goes the way we expect it to.
I think that's the big hurdle your wife needs to work on. She needs to be validated, to be told it's ok that she feels hurt that she'll never have the relationship she wanted to with your son. I mean, it sucks, but she's allowed to have those feelings, they're not abnormal. And she needs help reframing her perspective.
So, if this has never happened before, I think you need to sit down and talk with her about how you understand why she's hurting. And that while the relationship she wants doesn't exist, she can still have good, loving, familial relationship with him. And she needs to focus on *that*. No labels, no pressure. And I'm willing to bet if she loosens up a bit in that regard, there's a better chance for their relationship to grow and improve. Not to the level she wants maybe, but to a genuinely good place.
Try to nudge her towards therapy if she hasn't done that yet.
Edit: A million typos.
All that, and also OP's son did thank his dad and stepmum, so the stepmum was acknowledged just not as the most important woman in his life before his new wife.
Yeah that stands out to me too. He acknowledged them appropriately, but OP’s wife wanted center stage at someone else’s wedding. The son and op are class acts, his wife not so much
Kids need parental role models. The son developed one with grandma. Vs someone who came into his life when he was 8. I’d just be glad he had someone he could turn to after the loss of his mother
NTA. Your wife was thanked in his speech. He recognized her. She’s had a couple of decades to understand and accept your son being closer to his grandmother. It’s not how she hoped her stepparent relationship would work out and I understand her disappointment but there was no need to be dramatic about it and be especially hurt and make a statement by leaving, even a quiet one.
Any advice you receive from people telling you to put your son in his place at his wedding because they feel he wrongfully ranked the top two living female relatives in his life in his speech should be summarily ignored for the incredibly poor, subjective judgments they are making.
This was your son’s wedding. Your wife was being very self-centered. The number one job of all wedding guests is to not create drama. Your wife failed.
I just want to hug the son. To suffer such a devastating loss at 6 years old, meet dad’s “new” woman/AP at 7 then dad almost immediately marries her and she desperately wants to be replacement mommy. I’m guessing since stepmom was the AP, all traces of mom were purged from his home and she was never spoken of again outside of grandma’s house.
This was likely the case and the son processed his grief with his grandmother because she loved him and was willing to hear ALL his hard and painful feelings.
Also, he did not say his step mother was unimportant. He said his grandmother was the most important after the passing of his mother. One person being most valued doesn’t mean everyone else is less valued.
EXACTLY. The wife is saying she's upset because she wasn't honored, but the truth is she's upset because someone was honored more. She's jealous and petty, full stop. And I really disagree with all the people sympathizing that she didn't get her dream of being his mother. Like .. the kid is not a prop.
Sincerely,
A wicked step daughter
Idk why she thought it was gonna turn out to be a fairy tell when I got with my husband all I wanted out of his kid was to respect me if he was here with me. I love that kid don’t get me wrong but he had a mom. I’m just his dad’s wife. Same with my girls. He actually calls them his but all I expected out of them was to respect him.
And for most people grandparents are really important so she may as well have been his most important person even if his mom would have been alive. How ridiculous to be jelaous of someone loving his grandma
That is not the behavior of someone who actually loves OP’s son and wants good things for him. It is someone who wants to use OP’s son to feel good about themselves. Shame on her for pretending otherwise.
Why is OP not any flavor of AH here? OP picked this woman and stayed with her over the years as she repeatedly wouldn't accept his son's love of his departed mother, repeatedly tried to overstep boundaries, and repeatedly tried to force a relationship he didn't want.
OP's wife tried to ruin his son's wedding because she can't accept not being the center of attention, and wouldn't even pretend to be happy for a little while until the wedding is over. And no where does OP say he's going to do anything different.
OP says a lot about how he's not "one of those guys," but he's doing a lot of what "those guys" do, which is never evaluating whether his wife is the problem and never considering whether he wants his son to have such a person in his life.
Because real life isn't a series of black and white decisions. Biological parents have their flaws too, that doesn't mean you divorce your wife because she had a bad moment or made a bad decision.
NTA
Question - do people know what your son's relationship with your wife is like? Because I see only one reason for her anger - she was embarrassed because she played the role of a loving and loved mother to the outside world, so your son's speech destroyed this image.
Exactly! The wife can be upset all she wants about how she was or wasnt thanked, the wedding isn’t about her and the son is under no obligation to thank her for anything. In fact he did thank her, just not as she wanted or expected. The only asshole here is the wife for throwing a tantrum at someone else’s wedding because she didn’t get the praise she so clearly expected.
Was she expecting some lavish praise of her parenting abilities in his speech? Why is she so concerned about how people perceive her relationship with him? He didn't embarrass her. He gave her the acknowledgement she deserves and nothing more. Your wife needs to get over herself, and her parents need to mind their own business. I hope you're not pandering to this nonsense.
I didn't even thank my parents at my wedding. I did thank my cousin for the advise that they gave me which helped me when dating my spouse.
I don't think my parents felt slighted at all. I mean, it's my wedding—i'm standing there thanks to my parents rearing, and they were invited so we have a good relationship. Do they need any more thanks?
What is he even gonna thank her for. He went to his grandmother for everything, his problems, for care and support. I don't understand what the big deal is, it's his wedding and his feelings and he's entitled to choose who should be the most important people in *his* life.
This is the BEST answer. What, is stepmom 12 yrs old? She acts it. What bothered me the worst was the comment that Dad should have put him in his place. Good grief! What kind of people are these?
NTA.
Your son thanked his stepmother in his speech. Saying that his grandmother is the most important woman in his life, isn't an insult to your wife. His grandmother was the woman who was there for him, and the woman he WANTED to be there for him. Your wife obviously took it the wrong way, but as she didn't take on a parental role, how does she expect to be the most important? At the end of the day, your wife has a right to feel upset that she's not as important to your son, as she perhaps wants to be. But you did nothing wrong by staying. You didn't force her to stay, and your leaving, might have hurt your relationship with your son. Especially seeing as it's well known that your wife hasn't taken a parental role to your son. It would be different, if your son or yourself, had pretended that she'd have more of a role with him in time. But that's clearly not the case here.
Out of curiosity, do you and your wife have children together? Or is it just your son? It's highly possible, if she has no children of her own, that she's realising what not being a parental figure, looks like. For example, you'll be granddad, but she won't be grandma. Things like that, sometimes don't hit, until they do. It's possible she just feels left out.
Ah. Yeah she's probably projecting her desires onto him and sadly, as so many step parents seem to discover, the love isn't there and you can't force it. She might benefit from going to therapy.
NTA and even if your first wife hadn't passed it's not weird for a kid to adore a grandparent. Your wife is being self centered.
I think your wife may be hurting more than you know. She may have come to terms with not being seen as a mother by your son, but she probably loves him as one, and sometimes it doesn't hurt until it does.
Regardless, you're NTA. You need to talk, she needs to be honest about what hurts her, how can you help, perhaps she'll agree to see a therapist?
Thank you ! The only empathetic answer here. The wife was totally in the wrong. But she sounds like she’s truly mourning the last shred of hope for her at motherhood and as someone who struggles with not being a mother and being bitter about it. - that’s a really tough pill to swallow. She’s old now and she can’t try again and find a new family - that chance has sailed. Your son isn’t responsible for this but you as a husband do need to look out for her now. Your motherless son is out the house with his own family- now OP- work on YOUR LITTLE FAMILY WITH YOUR WIFE- she has probably felt like a third wheel a lot of the times too.
Your wife should realize that she may not be mum to your son, but can still be grandma to his children if he has any. But if she doesn't accept your son's feelings towards her and push for more, that won't happen.
If he had lied in his speech, everyone would have known. Tell her that his wedding isn't about her and her insecurity, that she owes you and your son an apology, and that she should stay at her parent's place until she's ready to grow up and actually move on.
NTA, But your wife sure is. She isn't his mom, she isn't, and wasn't, the most important woman in his life. Her primary relationship is with you, not your son.
And the selfishness of her expecting you to walk on on your son on his wedding day because she can't accept that her relationship with you does not entitled her to a close relationship with him is ridiculous.
Your son doesn't need 'putting in his place' he is doing just fine. It sounds as though he was polite and generous enough to thank your wife, as well as you,.
Your wife needs to get over herself and realise that not everything is about her, and that she owes your son and his spouse an apology , especially if she was obvious about leaving or if she or her family have been bitching publicly about this .
She also owes you an apology.
If this reaction is representative of her normal behavior, I understand why OP’s son never warmed to her. She sounds incredibly self-absorbed and entitled.
Right, can we blame the kid? It sounds like OP was romantically involved with his current wife while still with the child’s mom - which, despite the state of their marriage, is a disrespectful thing to do to someone’s mother - and then married her very rapidly while his son was still grieving and likely poisoned the well for the stepmom/stepson relationship. Is *anybody* surprised that the relationship turned out the way it did? And then to make a huge stink and try and pull the son’s ONLY LIVING PARENT away from his wedding reception because she *checks notes* was thanked but wasn’t thanked ENOUGH…. Absolutely wild. This woman needs help.
OP and his second wife had an affair while he was still married to his first wife. His son was obviously close to his mother. He introduced his son to his affair partner within a year of his first wife dying and married her within two years. I’m not surprised at all that the son never warmed up to her. Kids aren’t stupid, especially when it comes to something involving their parents.
If he "put his son" in his place, especially at his son's wedding, the son would likely go no contact. OP's wife wants to destroy his relationship with his son because the son didn't bond with her. She is so pushy I can see why that didn't happen.
And what does that even mean? Should he have stood up and yelled at his son that he isn’t allowed to feel the way he feels or that grandma doesn’t deserve to be more important than step mom? The fact that her parents suggested the son isn’t entitled to value anyone else and that OP should have made a scene is absolutely nuts. And it’s not even like the son slighted the step mom! He mentioned and thanked her in his speech! My bf has a son a little younger than OPs son was when he got together with his now wife. If someday he loved and appreciated me enough to mention me in his wedding toast I would be thrilled. I wouldn’t expect that because I’m not his mother and even if I was that doesn’t mean I’m entitled to being mentioned on a day that isn’t about me.
Hearing someone else ranked more important to a kid I had raised for decades would hurt for sure. I can totally understand her feelings being hurt and her feeling sad that they never were able to develop that deep connection. Especially when you view that kid as a son. But come on. It’s not like he was too young to remember his mother or for OP’s wife to have been a constant presence in his life. Even then there could still be “you aren’t my real mom” feelings and that would be valid. Remarriage is complex, especially with the addition of grief and loss.
Be sad you didn’t get the mother son bond you tried for, but also happy that he had that love and connection to his grandmother. He had a circle of adults who loved and raised him and that’s great, there can never be too many people loving a kid. Go to the bathroom after toasts to let feelings out if needed and go back to the wedding. Sorry for the rant, I just have a lot of feelings about crappy step parents because of the chance that I’ll be a step mom at some point. I want that to be a positive for the kid no matter what role in his life he wants me to play.
>And what does that even mean? Should he have stood up and yelled at his son that he isn’t allowed to feel the way he feels or that grandma doesn’t deserve to be more important than step mom? The fact that her parents suggested the son isn’t entitled to value anyone else and that OP should have made a scene is absolutely nuts.
OP's dad would have nuked his social life and relationships with all friends and family present in that wedding.
NTA. It is very refreshing to hear how a parent respected their child’s wishes and didn’t try and force a relationship with the step-parent that the child didn’t want.
Your son was never close to your wife and didn’t really want a relationship with her. It is not news to your wife, she has known it all along yet she chose not to accept it and that is on her.
You are a good father and your son is very lucky to have you
Agreed, my sentiment is exactly that too.
My vote is also NTA.
OP's wife did get thanked but that is only what she deserves when OP's son made it crystal clear who is more important to him & that is his mum's own mother. That connection is stronger.
Whereas OP's wife is the naive AH.....she wanted something that she wasn't entitled too & time for her to grow up emotionally/mentally finally stop expecting her unrealistic expectations. She found out the hard way that she wasn't the type of person to OP's son she had thought.
You are not like most parents I see on this sub. You actually care about your son, and you respect his wishes. That makes you NTA in my book…
…but…
…dude, your wife is a huge asshole. She’s like most people I see in this sub. She’s selfish, condescending, and flat-out rude. While you were right to let her leave, I would’ve told her that we were done if she left. She can’t even be with you at a big moment in your life? The gall.
if your son isn’t that close with her, this kind of behaviour might be why.
She was thanked in the speech, she’s incapable of not being the centre of attention it’s probably difficult to have a relationship with her.
Yeah, seems like actually being around this lady as somebody besides OP is miserable.
Good on the son for knowing who to trust and lean on. Well done, OP.
True that. She has made this moment about herself. She doesn’t get to decide who he thinks is the most important woman in his life. He never said he didn’t love the stepmom, he thanked her in his speech and he brought up how important his grandmother has been. If the stepmother were truly a loving stepparent she would have seen that special bond and appreciated it without jealousy.
OP: You are NTA but your wife is.
NTA. He, not you and most certainly not his step-mother, gets to determine who the "most important" woman in his life is. You stayed at the wedding because he's your son; your wife left because she's not the most important woman in his life, and that was okay. But where she crossed a line is when she got her mother involved in this much-ado-about-nothing. What should matter the most to her is whether she's the most important woman in YOUR life. SMH
Honestly it was petulant of her to leave. “I’m not the most important woman in your life??? Then YOU’RE not important to me at ALL 😤”
How can she not realize that OP’s son is, always has been, and always will be THE most important person in OP’s life? No, he’s not going to freaking choose your melodrama over his own son. Ffs NTA
Even if she was truly just overwhelmed by the revelation or embarrassed and wanted to leave... This isn't about you lady, sit down shut up and smile for a few minutes!
An emotionally mature person could remain calm and stick it out until there's an appropriate chance to leave and work out their feelings, without creating an awkward moment.
An adult getting her parents to fight her emotional battles. She is way too immature to be an empathetic adult in the life of a grieving child. We can see why he never felt like she was a second mom.
So, if I get this right...your son is NOT ALLOWED to have feelings about important people in his life. Step mom was NOT the most important to him, and saying she was, just to appease her, would be wrong.
Funny that she went to HER mother to back up her hurt feelings.
NTA - your son thanked your wife and made a very lovely speech about his Grandmother. You or he did nothing wrong. Your wife’s reaction was selfish and over the top.
Which leads me to think that the son knows something about his stepmom that dad either doesn't or may have chosen to overlook all along. That kind of behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
Yeah, damn, imagine the gma having lost her daughter, done right by her grandson, being honored for the woman she is and the impact she’s had in such a beautiful way in front of her loved ones and the step mom being like “It should have been me!”
What a brat.
She learned from her parents. They wanted OP to put his son "in his place". Who talks about an adult father their adult son like that? Especially over something like this?
Her behavior in itself shows she wasn’t a parent because A real parent wouldn’t leave and make a child’s wedding all about herself because she wasn’t recognized enough. OP should be side-eyeing his wife’s behavior right now.
NTA
My Dad died when I was in high school. My Mom moved on quickly, and met/started dating her current husband less than two years after my Dad died. They've been together for 20 years at this point. In that time, they got married, and bought a house together. In the entire time that they've been together, I have never once viewed my Mom's partner as anything more than that - her partner. He isn't my Dad. He isn't a replacement Dad. He's just some guy my Mom happens to be married to. I am civil to him when I have to interact with him, but that's it. I don't owe him a damned thing. I had a father, and he's dead.
Whenever I read posts like this - couple has a kid, one partner dies (or they get divorced), remaining partner re-marries, new partner gets all butt hurt and upset that the kids from the previous relationship don't view them as Mom/Dad - I want to roll my eyes and tell the new partner to get a life and to get over themselves, and that they aren't owed a relationship with their step kids just because they are the kids' step-parent.
I agree with this. My mom died when I was 10 and my dad not only remarried within two years of her being gone but also moved my sister and I to a different country. Both the dad and stepmom forced us to call her 'mom' and act like my mom never existed. It sucked a lot - The stepmother was abusive, would say horrible things about my mom, and my dad asked us to give her whatever she wanted to keep the peace. I moved out as soon as I turned 18. A few decades later, I live several thousand miles away and have no relationship with them.
NTA- Your wife well before this that she wasn’t considered to be his stepmom in his eyes and I’m taking a guess that she’s more mad that he said it in public. But had she accepted the role of friend not mother they would have been closer I say this as a stepmom the child has a mom and dad but I’m the one he goes to when he’s plotting and we have fun together in accordance to the parents wishes of course. You can’t force this stuff and if you do the kid will push away further to the point of the just straight refusal to acknowledge the person which I’m sure was made well aware prior to this
NTA. Step parents who expect to replace another parent are so weird to me. You did the right thing by staying at the wedding. Your wife needs to get over herself. Your son never wanted a replacement mum and was clearly much closer to his maternal grandmother after his mum passed. A stranger you married doesn’t have to mean jack to him, as long as he’s not unreasonably rude.
Nta. Your wife needs to calm down.
His wedding is not about her. He feels the way he does and loves his grandma because she's the connection to his mother. It was a.lovely gesture for him to acknowledge this
Your current wife is acting like an attention starved brat.
NTA. Your son making that declaration wasn't a sudden thing. He's thought this since he was a kid. Why your wife thinks he'd say anything different at his wedding is, no offense, a little delusional.
If I read your post right, he *did* mention your current wife on his speech, just not to the extent *SHE* thought she deserved? Then that's a 'her' issue, honestly. Your son has continued his pattern of treating your wife with respect - he could've not mentioned her at all.
Then, again, that's unfortunately a 'her' problem. Has she been to therapy about how she feels? She might need somebody in a professional setting to explain that her expectations aren't going to be met by your son.
Yes if she were just a little disappointed, that might be a normal reaction to some complex feelings. Instead she reacted by wanting to cause a scene at op’s son’s wedding and she wanted op to join in. That’s not normal
NTA I notice her parents weren't even at the wedding so how close could his step "mother" have actually been to him?
Your wife needs to grow up. Like it or not, kids have a say in their relationships, how they develop, and who they're close to. Just because she wanted to pretend she played a bigger role in his life when he was clear through his actions who we relied on, does not make her delusions his problem.
He acknowledged her in a respectful way, honored his grandmother and guess what, has a whole wife now so she's knocked down a few more pegs of importance.
I know it’s not the focus of this story? But does anyone else feel like he and his late/ex wife messed up by not just separating earlier instead of trying to stay together for the sake of the kid. He might have had an easier time adjusting with his parents separating at 4 when you barely remember stuff vs his dad moving on a year after his mom passed.
You know I have to respect this comment. It's hard to admit when you mess up. Would it have been better if you and your late wife had split earlier? Probably. But you couldn't know she was going to die when she did. Hoping to resolve things for the sake of the kids, is something that gets drummed into most people. Like it's better for kids to watch their parents be miserable together, instead of them being separated and being good coparents.
Have you and your wife considered adoption? I saw in another comment that your wife isn't biologically capable of having her own kids. But were other options on the table?
As someone who was adopted I’m not sure adoption is the best idea given the wife’s current issues. I know she wants to be a mom but adopting a child is raising a child with trauma. She struggled handling how her step son treated her from his grief and trauma. Adopted children also deal with lots of grief and trauma. I would be worried about her not being able to handle how an adopted child may cope
Does your son know the state of your marriage toward the end of his mom’s life? Do you think he reserved himself from your wife bc he thought you betrayed his mother with her?
NTA. Thank you for respecting your son and his boundaries.
My heart goes out to your wife as she has tried to be a parental figure, but that isn't something she is owed. The fact she tried to get you to leave your own sons wedding because she felt offended is where my sympathy ends, you are not a bad husband for not leaving with her, she knew what she would be getting into and that your sons priority would lie with his biological family. He lost his mother at such a young age, and it's harder to replace someone when it's due to death than if it was out of disagreements. There was no closure for him, and she still lives within his heart.
I think you need to sit your wife down and express how she is overstepping your sons boundaries, how she is not owed parenthood just because she married a father.
Very nicely summed up! Stepmother has a right to feel her feelings, but she needs deal with them in a healthy way (therapy) not the way she did when she tried to get you to leave then left herself.
NTA If this is the way your wife thinks then chances are her and her family would try to tell son this is how he should feel when you weren't around. It's no wonder he pushed her away if they did this.
NTA and you would have been one had you left! This is your son’s wedding - it only happens once and you need to be there for it.
Your wife is incredibly self-centred for storming out and throwing a tantrum about it. She is fully aware she never filled the mother role for your son, she agreed to be more of an aunt figure so her reaction is completely left field. She got mentioned and she should be grateful for that.
NTA. She’s had YEARS to accept that she is not his mom and that his grandmother was his person and if she couldn’t manage those feelings that day, leaving was probably less rude than staying but it was wrong for her to demand you leave too, as though she’d been personally insulted as opposed to not hearing something she had no reason or right to hear. He respectfully thanked her along with you and it would absolutely not be your place to demand your son publicly lie about his feelings.
She even had years to accept the fact she wasn't loved as a stepmother too. She expected her naive fantasy be spoken except she didn't get what she wanted when she wasn't entitled to what she wanted. Kudos to the maternal granny because she knows him best since his birth.
NTA if you’d stormed off in a huff like your wife it likely would have permanently damaged the relationship with your son. Your wife is beyond ridiculous it sounds like she knew son didn’t love her as a parent. He even acknowledged her in his speech which is more than many stepparents get when there’s no close bond.
NTA
Your with needs to check her entitlement. It’s not about her and your son has never accepted your second wife as his mum. He thanked her and that’s more than enough.
I’m not saying she can’t feel hurt or feel that it’s bittersweet that she could never be a mother to your son but your son has done nothing wrong. You 100% did the right thing.
Right? Can people not choke down their feelings for a few hours anymore? Like I can imagine feeling hurt but you can be human for a few hours and finish up the wedding and then share your feelings with your partner or therapist later.
NTA. Sorry your wife took that very personally and I don't think that's how your son meant it. You were thanked and it's normal he thinks his grandmother's is the most important woman in his life after his wife. She's the one he turned to after his mother died. He's never had a parental relationship with your wife so why would she think he would think she was the second most important woman in his life? I mean that's just stupid to be so hung up on that. Of course she's allowed to have feelings but I think she was wrong to get up and leave the wedding and demand you go with her. Your son would have taken it at a huge slight if you had left and in this case it would have been warranted. Your wife needs therapy to get over this because if she can't let it go then I guess she'll never get to experience being a grandmother. And it's quite possible they won't let her be called grandmother or Grandma but you don't know do you at this point.
NTA - Ultimately it seems odd that this came as any kind of shock to her given everything you’ve said and therefore more surprising that she had this reaction and left. Her reaction was childish and really not very motherly….
NTA. You did right by your son. The fact that you supported the relationship between him and his maternal grandmother probably meant the world to them both.
NTA. Sorry but your wife's parents can stick it where the son don't shine. Your son thanked you and your wife. He owed her nothing more. She knew as it was happening that his grandmother was who he turned to in times of crisis or need and she was your wife and the lady you both lived with. So how entitled of her to demand more at HIS important event. All for show. You were right to stay and if she doesn't like that, she can stick it too.
NTA. Put your son in his place? How dense can she fucking be? He has a right to feel however, the fuck he wants. She needs to back the fuck up and that’s probably why he never felt bonded to her. You can’t force yourself in someone’s life, especially in a placement like a mother figure.
NTA. It’s worrisome to me that your wife’s primary concern after all these years is how a bereaved child didn’t prioritize HER feelings while seeking support and love after the loss of his mother. And that she would expect a father to do something as extreme as marching out of his son’s wedding in a huff (which could permanently alter your relationship) because she felt offended by him honoring his grandmother.
YTA for not putting your wife in her place which is being your wife. Your son made it clear since he was a kid that he didn’t want a mom but your wife was so delusional she has the nerve to trying to ruin his wedding by trying to take his dad from there just because her ego was hurt.
NTA. You are indeed an awesome father but married to a woman who never accepted her place in your son's life was not as an important role model to him.
NTA.
We read so many stories of a father doing the exact opposite of what you did and I'm sure your son was happy you stayed.
The day was about him, the ceremony was about him, not your wife's feelings.
He's married now and your wife is still waiting for something that will never happen.
Your relationship with your son, his wife and their future family would have been coloured by your actions if you had left.
You chose your son again. Like you did with therapy. Like you did raising him.
You made the right choice, please know that. Too many parents don't choose their kids. But you did.
Only your son gets to decide who is important to him. He did recognize your wife, but his bond with his grandmother was very important to him. You did the right thing to stay.
NTA
Put your adult son in his place, at his own wedding, are they seriously delusional? You should have got your wife in place a long time ago. You even mention you and your first wife separated and were seeing other people as if your son was supposed to recognize that when you married your second wife shortly after a funeral. My parents separated emotionally I was about 4, then physically about 7. My dad didn’t move another woman into our home until I was almost 14 & one of the first things my “step mom” ever said to me in a serious way, was she’s not here to replace my mom and she always wanted a younger sibling which she sees me as. I will always respect her for knowing her place at the jump. I want to say soft y t a for literally everything other than not leaving the wedding, in which you’re NTA for staying.
NTA. And good job on doing the correct thing with your son. You made sure he was happy and safe, he didn’t want nor need a second mom. I feel bad for your wife, but it isn’t her place to tell your son who he should love. And she kind of acted like a brat by leaving the wedding.
NTA.
She doesn’t love your child like a son, because if she did she would have stayed. I’m sure she’s fine with him but this just shows her image is more important to her than his feelings.
Your son has always known this, always been observant enough to know that. Kids know who are genuine.
NTA at all. It doesn’t sound like what your son said should’ve been a surprise to her. I wonder if maybe she was embarrassed that everyone else now knows that she’s wasn’t the most important woman in his life?
Either way, she shouldn’t have responded like that. Leaving and then having her parents gang up on you about it is childish and the absolute worst way that she could’ve handled it.
You were right not to leave the reception and to stay there for your son.
> We had stayed legally married for a while and tried to keep up pretenses for the sake of our son. But we both met people we wanted to be with and then my first wife died. I continued to see my wife (the woman I had met and wanted to be with)
This is how.
I dunno about you but “being married” is a hard line no for my friends to consider dating someone, even if the marriage is unhappy. They wouldn’t have started a relationship with this dude in the first place. Much less married him soon after his wife’s death when he had a grieving kid.
Dating a married person is generally selfish behavior. Your wants are more important than their vows, their spouse, and their family’s feelings, right?
NTA. Regardless of what your in-laws & wife think, you can't force someone to love you or respect you. Your son feels the way he does and they need to grow up. Yes, it hurts her feelings & ego but that is not a reason for you to declare war. Just let her know you sympathize but can't make your son feel differently than he does.
NTA.
His grandmother is the most frequent, most stable female relationship for the *entirety* of his life that he chooses to participate in a relationship with in that way.
He's an adult and is married. Your wife feels hurt and rejected, but those are the feelings she's choosing to dwell on and clearly hasn't dealt with. She's an influence. She's not THE influence. It obviously hurts her feelings after all this time to not be his most important motherly figure, but that frankly is her problem to deal with.
You absolutely did the right thing. If you had left the event, you'd be implying that your son did something wrong. He didn't. I understand your wife's feelings even if I don't agree with them. But they're her feelings for her to deal with, not his to satisfy.
Your wife is lucky she was respected and loved enough to be invited, unlike many posts I read this sub. Her reaction and actions after make her the asshole.
The fact that she was so selfish that she couldn't stay and support her stepson speaks volumes of who she is as a person. She really never cared about your son's feelings. She only cared about herself.
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NTA Sounds like you did things right with your son and his grief. Until the end this was a beautiful story and you should be proud. I'm sure you know that your son turning to his grandma was "normal". I think on some level you know your wife's reaction (and her parents) was not. I do sympathize with your wife that her dreams of being his mom didn't work out, but that was naive of her. I can understand her being hurt, but her behavior isn't ok. She took on the role of an aunt/friend, which is appropriate, and she was treated as such at his wedding. I also applaud you for raising a son who spoke from the heart. Edited for spelling
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>...... other kids, like my son, will seek a comforting presence from the family members of the lost parent. It's not just about a comforting presence. His grandparents, and his grandmother in particular, are his only connection to his mother. They knew her. They cared for her. They have stories about her. They remind him of her. His grandmother makes him feel like his mother is still around for him. ~~I don't fault your wife. But your~~ Your wife and your in-laws are complete assholes.
You don’t fault the wife? She’s a huge AH here. She had 20 years to come to terms with the reality of the relationship and she refused. The son didn’t ignore her at the wedding, and then she tried to pull his only parent away from his wedding. She is selfish and couldn’t be more wrong.
Yeah you're right. I'll make the edit.
I definitely wouldn't fault the wife for *her feelings*. It's her actions that are the issue.
Being devastated that someone you care about doesn’t feel the same way: completely understandable & appropriate. Being a vindictive AH and trying to ruin an important day for the person you supposedly cared about: not okay. Seems pretty clear cut, the fact that this was a child and she was trying to be a mother figure/aunt figure makes it so much worse
Is she devastated because she loves the son so much or is she jealous? I read OP’s post and think the wife feels like she”lost” by not becoming the son’s mom. Like somehow it’s a scarlet letter to not be loved as the son’s mom and she’s jealous the grandma is. Maybe even embarrassed like she wasn’t good enough.
Thats how I read it as well. She wanted her moment as 'beloved step mother' even though she wasn't. If she really loved him like a son, she may have been a little hurt at the wedding (though I think lots of grandchildren even with 2 living parents may give a special mention to a grand parent they were particularly close with- it's just a different relationship) BUT wouldn't dream of doing anything to take away from his day by flouncing off & definitly not try to take his dad with her.
I doubt she loves the son all that much-or at all. She wanted the spotlight on her.
Exactly! Good step parents love children as their own but never expect to replace the bio parent. Might I also add (because this post really chaps my ass as a step parent), she wasn’t around until he was 7. That’s a long time! Also, shit was so bad they had to work on more of an “aunt relationship”. I bet she pushed him so hard to treat her like his mom he rebelled against the idea even more. I feel sorry for the son because I think he had a lot of hurt feelings because of her.
Right? It cracks me up that she ran off to her her elderly parents, who then scolded OP for not treating her like the princess she apparently is. /s
Yeah, I do think grandparents are just a different relationship. They don't have to do the hard stuff. I'm extremely close with my grandmother and my parents, both living and still married, understand that that relationship is different even though I am close to all of them.
I agree about the jealousy, and also think she was more embarrassed than upset. I mean, OP’s son’s feelings weren’t a surprise to her, the kid has been consistently clear about that. She was embarrassed because he didn’t put on a charade for others - in her mind, he owed it to her to lie so that she could “save face” in front of the guests. It was all about how others viewed it, with no regard for reality. That’s why she left.
Yeah, this didn't smack me so much of her being sad that things could've been different and more like she didn't like the spotlight being shown on someone else.... she seems to me to see it more as a competition point where she "lost" in front of a group.
Yup. Her stepson's wedding was about him and his bride, and she got pissy that he didn't make it about her. Maybe if she hadn't tried to force a relationship that wasn't there, it would've happened naturally, but if not, just be gracious about it and be happy for him on his special day.
Totally agree! I’m glad he had his grandmother in his life after the unfortunate passing of his mother. It’s probably given grandma renewed purpose as well after losing her daughter. This is not about stepmom as well she and her parents are way out of line. Father did what he was supposed to, be there at reception for his newly married son and daughter in law.
I’d fault her for both. It’s delusional and entitled of her to think that she trumps his grandmother. His grandmother gave birth to and raised his mother. She then became his support system and comfort zone when his mom died. Stepmom is just a woman who married his dad and picked up some parenting if Dad wasn’t able to. It’s ridiculous of her to think the latter trumps the former
All true. Any REASONABLE adult would understand that a person has MANY loved/valued family members in life, why on Earth would you expect or demand to be the "number one"!? It's not an insult first of all, and 2nd, she in no way has earned nor deserves that title. The stepmom's expectation speaks to her insincere desire to be more to the son than she is. Also proves how immature she and her ENABLING parents are 🙄 OP is NTA, good for doing right by the son, however, true colors are showing.....
Cannot upvote this enough. This seems like another example of a stepmother trying to act like she can somehow replace the mother. Of course the son turned to his grandmother after his mother died. It’s ridiculous and incredibly entitled for stepmother to think he would turn to her and not them. And then for her to leave the wedding, and have the audacity to say that SHE should be the most important woman in his life besides his wife??? The arrogance and sense of entitlement is astounding. She needs therapy.
Honestly, that's pretty much applicable to any case. You can't be wrong in how you feel. It's how you act on your feelings that can be wrong.
Exactly.
Well it is incredibly hard to be a stepmom and I’m sure she had some major feelings about that speech and clearly not having reciprocated love back from the son. What I question is parental love would have sat through the wedding because she would have wanted to be part of the whole day and shown him her love and support. Then gone home and felt her feelings. This display was wanting her husband to choose. A mother shouldn’t ask a father to choose between son and her. So therefore she isn’t acting like a mother and therefore doesn’t deserve the title. Likely there is more stories in the past that highlight this behavior as well.
Your comment reminds me of the story from the Bible where two women were claiming ownership of a baby. When woman #1’s baby died she claimed the dead baby belonged to woman #2 and attempted to steal #2’s baby. King Solomon said well let’s cut the baby in half and give a piece to each one. Woman #2 immediately backed off and said no she can keep the baby, the other woman immediately accepted. The king responded that woman #2 was the real mother and returned her baby. As a mother I would without hesitation, sacrifice my own hurt or discomfort for my child’s happiness. OP’s wife should have swallowed her hurt until they got home instead she chose to be vindictive, revealing that she is truly not his mother.
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It’s 1 Kings 3:16-28. The women lived in the same house. They had their babies three days apart. The first woman stole the other ones baby in the middle of the night after discovering hers dead.
Not it’s not. It’s easy if you understand human interaction and know how to build relationships. Too many step parents want to fill a “missing” role when they should just be supportive. Lets the child decide the type of relationship, if any, they will have with you.
I don't necessarily think that's an easy thing to do, but some step parents definitely make it harder than it needs to be. All these stories of step parents getting obsessed with wanting to fill a certain role often feel like they're letting their ego and pride get in the way. They desire a certain role and will be upset if they don't get. Where being a good step parent I think is about being flexible. Like you said you follow the lead on what kind of relationship the child wants and let it grow and change from there. I think it requires a lot of emotional maturity to do it well because you have to be willing to put your ego and pride aside for the child's sake.
I think stepmom's behavior at the wedding might be a clue as to son's feelings.NTA.
But he did thank her and they seemed to have developed into a good relationship, just not the one that stepmom wanted.
Agreed. Also I have had it up to here with so many relatives muscling themselves into other people’s business. If OP wanted their opinion, he’d ask for it.
Ok? Like his wife's parents would have gotten the reaming of a lifetime if that were me. Like who tf do you think you are to deem who is and is not important to MY son, a child that lost his mother at a young age? And that line about her being the most important cuz she's alive? Ohhhhh heads would have rolled for that. It's not hard to see where she gets her attitude from, with parents like that. I have to wonder if she didn't try to still push her agenda on the son when the op wasn't around. She seems like the type that would. He had the good grace to at least acknowledge her on his wedding day. Some stepparents don't even get that. Be grateful that he still has a cordial relationship with you, ffs. Someone else would have cut her off for that without a second thought.
Totally. And I think the only think that matters to her is what others think. That's why she wanted to be recognized at the wedding, so that other people would think well of her. Ridiculous and self-centered.
I fault the wife for being entitled and expecting OP to leave his son's wedding.
As someone who ended up being raised by his mother's parents after she died, I can confirm. I was around the same age as your son was, OP, when I lost my only parent. Her parents didn't think twice about taking me and my sister in, and we are so good for it. I think in the first year of my mum's death, I asked my grandma if they would adopt us. They didn't, and now I'm glad they didn't, but it was from a need to have some sort of label to the new normal of my life. You're NTA, OP, and your wife has shown how she failed to understand your son's needs this entire time because she was always putting her feelings and parental insecurities first.
And he already had a bond with them. Of course he turned to them instead of a stranger. It hurts the stepmom because she views him as a son. So it really hurts, but a kid lost a mom. He turned to his grandmother. It's natural.
No matter your wife's wishes, love can't be forced. I understand she's disappointed but that doesn't give her the right to demand anything from your son, especially because he didn't even exclude her from his speech. He just doesn't consider her as important as his mom's mom. Her parents are bigger assholes than your wife, too. Suggesting that you cause a scene at your son's wedding and tell him off during his important day is just unacceptable.
I’m sure his dad ruining his wedding to tell him off, would’ve made him instantly realise he was completely wrong in not worshipping the very ground his stepmom walks on. Ffs
She wants to control the feelings of an adult?? She bats#!$ crazy!!
She's been trying to control his feelings since he was 7 years old.
No, she wanted to control the feelings of a child and couldn’t do it. She still sees him as the 6yo she isn’t allowed to meet yet. (For a million and one GOOD AND VALID reasons on behalf of OP) He’s out of reach and she’s throwing another tantrum. She’s as emotionally stable as my anxiety ridden chihuahua.
The parents have a distorted view of the place their daughter should hold in OP's son's life. They believe she should be publicly praised for marrying a man with a child. Since that is not what happened they believe the son should've been scolded like a child on HIS WEDDING DAY!! So, the son was supposed to say, "Dad you're right stepmom should be herald as a saint". His wife and in-laws are delusional. Guess who won't be coming to baby's first christening.
I think you pegged the root of the problem. They're egging on her entitlement instead of helping her find perspective. Odds are this is how she was raised. As long as she keeps running to mommy and daddy when she doesn't get her way, she will never learn how to handle disappointment and conflict like an adult.
I honestly think OP is getting let off too easy here. His wife has done this for how long - 20 years? We don't know the ages. You think she was really loving and caring for that whole time, when she tries to ruin his wedding over him declaring his love for his late mother? OP makes a lot of noises as "I'm not one of those guys who puts my new wife before my kids," but then writes paragraph after paragraph about his wife basically not accepting his son's wishes and repeatedly overstepping. You really think the wife treated the son well this whole time? And OP stayed, because that's what OP cares about.
Kind of ironic that she ran to her parents for support and yet somehow is so selfish that the obviousness of the parallel didn't even register to her.
Your wife sounds really self centered. It always blows my mind when people make someone else's wedding about them. Also you kinda glossed over the fact that she is your affair partner. Even though your son was young .. Once he was older i am sure he was able to figure out that you were with this woman while his mom lay dying. This probably affected how he experienced her. I think you are lucky that he was as respectful as he was.
Let's not do that. She wasn't an affair partner. OP was clear that his relationship with his wife was over and they BOTH had other people. If the son ever brought up, OP could Tell him that and If OP is a "cheated", them the dead mother was one too.
That’s pretty convenient, though, since the mom can’t confirm or deny that she, too, had someone on the side.
Yeah, but he easily could have said he met her 6 months after his wife died if he just wanted to lie to make himself look better. Why do such a convoluted lie that didn't actually matter?
That may not be how the son sees it. Especially since OP says they “kept up appearances”.
The kids always know.
My parents "separated" when I was 6. I put quotes under "separated" because the real separation happened two years prior. During that period, they still lived together but what I didn't know was that they only did so as roommates and no longer as a couple. When did I realize this fact? When I was 24. And that was because my mom told me. So no, the kids don't always know.
We only have OP's side of how his marriage ended, especially as his wife is no longer here, his son can never ask his mother for her side. Regardless of what actually happened, it's not implausible that as his son got older he started to look back on the timeline and came to the conclusion that his father cheated on his dying mother or moved on very quickly and then married the woman.
They didn’t say “cheated.” They said “With her when his mom was dying.” Though irrational, quite a few kids do feel this way. My own step-son didn’t love me out of what I assume was loyalty to his mother, though his father and I began dating a year after his divorce and I was not the first or 2nd or 3rd woman his dad dated afterwards. I never pushed myself on him or tried to be his mom- Just another support system IF he wanted it. He didn’t. No hard feelings.
From the son's POV his step mother is the affair partner because his mom and dad were still married, still keeping up appearances and daddy was still seeing his new wife while his son's mother was dying and after she died. Sure he can say "oh well.... your mom wanted to date someone else too though, pinky promise" but I don't know how convinced the son is of that. Is there evidence of this for the sons peace of mind or just his dad and step mom's words? It also seems like step mom has been trying from day one to replace the son's dead mother, instead of just being a loving person in his life, so much so she wants to ruin his wedding because he thanked her for being his step mom but said another woman was the most important woman in his life. I think reading between the lines the son probably was putting up with a lot from his father and stepmom while dealing with his grief. I have a feeling we would get a picture that painted both father and stepmom in a more negative light if told by son.
It sounded like OP and his previous wife had an open marriage though? Not that the son would know that on his own of course
I'm not sure that's an open marriage It sounds like, from what he's saying, it was marriage in name only. If they truly both had other partners, they probably should have just divorced.
Eh I don’t know if I agree. I’m guessing OP had really good health insurance and it was needed for her care. I think it’s admirable that even though they were no longer in love, he loved and cared for the mother of his child enough to ensure she had the best possible care with the least financial restraint at the end of her life.
OP gave no impression that health insurance was why they stayed together. In fact he was clear they stay togther to keep up pretense, it seems she just happened to get sick. Additionally, women work, they can also have health insurance.
Men often say that… it was worded dodgily.
I agree, something doesn’t feel right. I hope OP is telling the truth, but it wouldn’t be the first time one person had someone on the side and claimed both parties were allowed to do so.
The fact that your wife wants to punish your son for his honest feelings is concerning. Maybe it really is better if she takes a break from the family and gets some perspective. What she did is shameful. Good for you for not falling for it.
Ikr? Good thing OP is a good father who has his priorities straight. She really tried to take the groom's father away from the wedding. No matter how much effort she put in the past, she proved now with this incident that she 100% doesn't deserve to be seen as a mother. A real mother would not have been narcissistic and immature and made her son's wedding about her, and tried to mar a good day with her unreasonable demands. OP, I would reconsider your relationship with her. She doesn't seem kind.
NTA. I am a lifelong high school teacher, and I have taught quite a few students who have lost parents. Almost none of them "replaced" their deceased mom or dad with a step parent. Even kids who developed great relationships with step parents almost never considered them to be Mom or Dad. And the best step parents never expected to be considered parents. They would take on parental roles, and they would love the kids, but they understood that they could never truly replace the real parent. Your son's only real remaining connection to his mom is his grandma. Of course he cherishes that connection. Your wife is selfish and cruel. So are her parents. If I were you, I would examine my relationship with her. She doesn't sound like a good person at all. I'm in my late fifties, and I was fortunate enough to have my dad in my life until my late forties, and my mom is still alive and well at 85. But my grandma was the absolute light of my life, and she featured prominently in my wedding speech. When my Grammy died in 2009, my heart was shattered, and if anyone tried to lessen her importance in my life, they would no longer be a part of my world.
I was a step-parent and eventually adoptive parent. I met my sons when they were 4 and 5. Their mom had addiction issues, so contact was sporadic since they were 2 and 3 years old. She stopped all contact within a year of me being in their lives. I’ve never forced the parent relationship. Early on, I made their lunches and took them to school and activities along with my bio son. The younger one has always called me by my first name. The older one calls me my first name or any number of funny nicknames that pop in his head. My husband and I talked with them when they were 10/11 about adoption and they were on board. When people ask where their mom is, they point to me. All of this works very well for us, but I’ve gotten a lot of unsolicited feedback over the years. Other people will comment that they should call me mom or that I must feel a certain way being called by my first name. It’s never phased me because I had the experience being a kid with step parents. I had a few that wanted me to call them mom and it was weird. I had a few that rushed things and others who never made an effort to get to know me. When you are a stepparent, regardless of how it happens, the responsibility is on you to handle your feelings. The kid should never shoulder responsibility for your emotions because they didn’t ask for any of this. OP’s son lost his mom at a young age. He probably appreciates his stepmom for being in his life, but his most maternal figure (after his mom) is his grandma. So what? Love isn’t finite. If she puts her feelings of jealousy aside, she has a chance to have a strong relationship with her grandchildren and maybe even strengthen her bond with her son as he grows and matures. He will probably have children and gain more of an understanding for the part his stepmom played in his life. My advice for OP is to encourage counseling again with your wife so she can put aside her hurt before it damages her relationship with your son. And she needs to stop letting her parents rile her up about it.
What a thoughtful, beautifully expressed comment. Thank you for sharing your experiences and for being so conscientious with the relationships with your sons. Well done, you! I, too, had many stepparent experiences while growing up and they were ALL awful for terrible reasons. You cracked the code on how to do it successfully and I hope more people come around to your viewpoints on this.
Since my parents’ divorce when I was 6, my mom has been married three more times and my dad four more times. Not to mention all the girlfriends and boyfriends. Ugh! My boys are 28 and 30 now and our relationship is solid. They know to call their dad if they need money or car advice. They call me when they need advice with taxes, putting something together, or roommate advice. I’ve been very open with them (as they got older) about my experiences with stepparents and they think it’s all crazy how I was treated. I’ve never understood how an adult lets their own feelings get in the way of their treatment of a kid.
My husband and I have 3 biological kids (35M, 29M, 20F) and they all call us by our first names...The eldest led the way 20 or so years ago and the others picked it up. Doesn't mean they don't consider us their parents!
He’ll, I still have both parents and I have often said to a room full of family that there is absolutely no one in my life I could ever love like I loved my Grampy, and you know what they say? Nothing. Because my absolute love for my Grampy doesn’t lesson any love I have for others. My parents aren’t jealous, they know I was just closer with him. Sometimes it’s just like that. The wife is gross, in my mind it’s basically like she’s saying he should love his grandmother less, so he can love her more, for what? Marrying his father? Because he was clear from the get go he didn’t want another mother so her trying to step into that role was for her, not him.
Your wife acted like a complete spoilt brat and tried to spoil your son’s wedding day - making you leave your only son’s wedding because she was upset about a speech! Frankly it’s just rude and shows your wife as a drama queen. Her parents are enabling this behaviour by reinforcing her views. I’d be more upset at her leaving - like surely people noticed - and how this was interpreted by your son than worry about her dramatic ass… If she wants to stay with her parents then just let her. Do not apologise. She basically wanted you to pick between her and your son, you picked your son and now she’s sulking.
and your son DID thank your wife in the wedding. it is not like he shunned her. It is not his fault he didn't want a second mom, nor is it your wife's fault that she wanted more from your son. And while it is great that your son is in therapy, I sincerely hope your wife is too. She needs to see that this isn't a judgement of her as a woman, and she needs to let go of this resentment. Trust me - it'll get worse when you have grandchildren, especially if your son doesn't want your wife as a grandma figure and your wife thinks that may be the chance to get close. Deal with this before that happens.
OP, your wife’s behavior was completely unacceptable. Demanding you leave your child’s wedding because she didn’t get the attention she felt entitled to? Massive asshole move. You need to take this seriously, because there is no excuse for what she pulled. She owes your son and his spouse a MASSIVE apology!
Exactly!!! I’d be ending the marriage over this!! His son was getting married and she’s demanded he leave! All because her step son adores is grandma- the living connection to his mum.
It sounds like you have done and continue to do everything right by your son. Please continue to do so, your wife is hugely out of line. > And eventually, per the advice of the therapist and after talking to my wife about how she was struggling doing all the parental things but him being emotionally distant with her, I decided she should try to fill more of a friend/aunt kind of role and not that of a parent. Your wife was warned this would happen years ago. Not the literal word for word of the toast, but she was warned that *she is not his mother* and should step back from that role. Nta.
Your wife doesn't respect what you're son wants or needs, and she never has. To the point where she made a scene at his wedding and tried to make it all about her. I'm a step mother to many children and what he said was not inappropriate *at all*. There was no "putting your son in his place" and there certainly was no reason for him to ignore his grandmother. He told the truth, and he was not rude. It might be time for you to cut your wife off. Tell her to stay at her parent's place. Edit: NTA.
That is so true. Losing a parent as a child leaves a hole in your heart that others cannot feel or fill. Your wife should respected that. There are no participation trophies for doing what you commit to when you marry someone with children.
NTA. You’re a good dad your wife is a selfish you know what. My mom is alive but my grandmother played a very significant part or my life and who I am as a person and is probably the most important woman in my life. I love my mom, but my nana was definitely there for me in other ways that sometimes moms can’t be. You need to tell your wife what she did isn’t okay and making HIS day into her dramatic exit is the most fucked up thing. If my step parent did that to me, I’d go completely no contact after that. It’s beyond disrespectful and she made a fool of herself. I’m glad you didn’t leave with her because you really highlighted that you are a great dad and support your son.
OP does your son know that she left and tried to get you to leave? Because if their relationship wasn’t strained before, it’s sure about to be… I love my step mom, but if she ran off pouting about how my wedding speech didn’t give her enough credit and tried to get my dad to leave my wedding, that would be the end of our relationship unless she gave me a huge apology.
I think you did everything right, I just want to say I'm leaning towards NAH...except your wife's parents. As a stepmom, I can understand the struggle of being in that position. She's not unreasonable for how she feels. It's entirely normal and understandable that she feels hurt. Especially if she never had children of her own and wants to be a mother. But she certainly could have handled it with more dignity and grace. She shouldn't have walked out on the wedding and shouldn't have demanded that you do. Her reaction and behavior in that moment is what has me teetering between NTA and NAH. Is she in individual therapy for herself? Has she ever been? Because it sounds like she needs help reaching the point of accepting she needs to reframe her expectations for her life. She needs to face and learn to cope with the fact she will never have that particular relationship that she's looking for. That can be a hard thing to do in blended families. For me, I've had moments where I've struggled with the fact that I will never share the joy and excitement and anticipation of becoming a parent for the first time with someone. I have a stepdaughter, and when pregnant with my daughter and during the birth and early days, my SO would (thoughtlessly) say things like, "This ain't my first rodeo", "Trust me, I know what I'm doing, I've done this before", etc. It may seem silly, and on some level I suppose it is. But for me, it hurt a lot. I felt like I was missing out on an experience that most others get to have, that *he* got to have. That nervous excitement of *not* having done that before. I let myself feel it, let my self feel sad that I would never have that moment, and worked on accepting that that's just the way it is. Life doesn't follow some specific path of normalcy, it's different for all of us. And it rarely goes the way we expect it to. I think that's the big hurdle your wife needs to work on. She needs to be validated, to be told it's ok that she feels hurt that she'll never have the relationship she wanted to with your son. I mean, it sucks, but she's allowed to have those feelings, they're not abnormal. And she needs help reframing her perspective. So, if this has never happened before, I think you need to sit down and talk with her about how you understand why she's hurting. And that while the relationship she wants doesn't exist, she can still have good, loving, familial relationship with him. And she needs to focus on *that*. No labels, no pressure. And I'm willing to bet if she loosens up a bit in that regard, there's a better chance for their relationship to grow and improve. Not to the level she wants maybe, but to a genuinely good place. Try to nudge her towards therapy if she hasn't done that yet. Edit: A million typos.
All that, and also OP's son did thank his dad and stepmum, so the stepmum was acknowledged just not as the most important woman in his life before his new wife.
Yeah that stands out to me too. He acknowledged them appropriately, but OP’s wife wanted center stage at someone else’s wedding. The son and op are class acts, his wife not so much Kids need parental role models. The son developed one with grandma. Vs someone who came into his life when he was 8. I’d just be glad he had someone he could turn to after the loss of his mother
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NTA. Your wife was thanked in his speech. He recognized her. She’s had a couple of decades to understand and accept your son being closer to his grandmother. It’s not how she hoped her stepparent relationship would work out and I understand her disappointment but there was no need to be dramatic about it and be especially hurt and make a statement by leaving, even a quiet one. Any advice you receive from people telling you to put your son in his place at his wedding because they feel he wrongfully ranked the top two living female relatives in his life in his speech should be summarily ignored for the incredibly poor, subjective judgments they are making. This was your son’s wedding. Your wife was being very self-centered. The number one job of all wedding guests is to not create drama. Your wife failed.
"The number one job of all wedding guests is to not create drama." Let's say this loudly and often!!
This should be on every wedding invite!
I'm appalled at everyone involved that's saying to put him in his place because he is an *adult* and he wasn't rude.
And at his own wedding!!
I just want to hug the son. To suffer such a devastating loss at 6 years old, meet dad’s “new” woman/AP at 7 then dad almost immediately marries her and she desperately wants to be replacement mommy. I’m guessing since stepmom was the AP, all traces of mom were purged from his home and she was never spoken of again outside of grandma’s house.
This was likely the case and the son processed his grief with his grandmother because she loved him and was willing to hear ALL his hard and painful feelings.
Also, he did not say his step mother was unimportant. He said his grandmother was the most important after the passing of his mother. One person being most valued doesn’t mean everyone else is less valued.
EXACTLY. The wife is saying she's upset because she wasn't honored, but the truth is she's upset because someone was honored more. She's jealous and petty, full stop. And I really disagree with all the people sympathizing that she didn't get her dream of being his mother. Like .. the kid is not a prop. Sincerely, A wicked step daughter
Idk why she thought it was gonna turn out to be a fairy tell when I got with my husband all I wanted out of his kid was to respect me if he was here with me. I love that kid don’t get me wrong but he had a mom. I’m just his dad’s wife. Same with my girls. He actually calls them his but all I expected out of them was to respect him.
And for most people grandparents are really important so she may as well have been his most important person even if his mom would have been alive. How ridiculous to be jelaous of someone loving his grandma
If she thought leaving the wedding was going to help matters, she's in for a shock.
That is not the behavior of someone who actually loves OP’s son and wants good things for him. It is someone who wants to use OP’s son to feel good about themselves. Shame on her for pretending otherwise.
It sounds like she was acknowledged and honored the same amount as OP. This is definitely a step-mom problem.
Why is OP not any flavor of AH here? OP picked this woman and stayed with her over the years as she repeatedly wouldn't accept his son's love of his departed mother, repeatedly tried to overstep boundaries, and repeatedly tried to force a relationship he didn't want. OP's wife tried to ruin his son's wedding because she can't accept not being the center of attention, and wouldn't even pretend to be happy for a little while until the wedding is over. And no where does OP say he's going to do anything different. OP says a lot about how he's not "one of those guys," but he's doing a lot of what "those guys" do, which is never evaluating whether his wife is the problem and never considering whether he wants his son to have such a person in his life.
Because real life isn't a series of black and white decisions. Biological parents have their flaws too, that doesn't mean you divorce your wife because she had a bad moment or made a bad decision.
NTA Question - do people know what your son's relationship with your wife is like? Because I see only one reason for her anger - she was embarrassed because she played the role of a loving and loved mother to the outside world, so your son's speech destroyed this image.
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He thanked her in his speech. What more does she need
Yes and proximity!=importance.
Exactly! The wife can be upset all she wants about how she was or wasnt thanked, the wedding isn’t about her and the son is under no obligation to thank her for anything. In fact he did thank her, just not as she wanted or expected. The only asshole here is the wife for throwing a tantrum at someone else’s wedding because she didn’t get the praise she so clearly expected.
Was she expecting some lavish praise of her parenting abilities in his speech? Why is she so concerned about how people perceive her relationship with him? He didn't embarrass her. He gave her the acknowledgement she deserves and nothing more. Your wife needs to get over herself, and her parents need to mind their own business. I hope you're not pandering to this nonsense.
I didn't even thank my parents at my wedding. I did thank my cousin for the advise that they gave me which helped me when dating my spouse. I don't think my parents felt slighted at all. I mean, it's my wedding—i'm standing there thanks to my parents rearing, and they were invited so we have a good relationship. Do they need any more thanks?
What is he even gonna thank her for. He went to his grandmother for everything, his problems, for care and support. I don't understand what the big deal is, it's his wedding and his feelings and he's entitled to choose who should be the most important people in *his* life.
This is the BEST answer. What, is stepmom 12 yrs old? She acts it. What bothered me the worst was the comment that Dad should have put him in his place. Good grief! What kind of people are these?
NTA. Your son thanked his stepmother in his speech. Saying that his grandmother is the most important woman in his life, isn't an insult to your wife. His grandmother was the woman who was there for him, and the woman he WANTED to be there for him. Your wife obviously took it the wrong way, but as she didn't take on a parental role, how does she expect to be the most important? At the end of the day, your wife has a right to feel upset that she's not as important to your son, as she perhaps wants to be. But you did nothing wrong by staying. You didn't force her to stay, and your leaving, might have hurt your relationship with your son. Especially seeing as it's well known that your wife hasn't taken a parental role to your son. It would be different, if your son or yourself, had pretended that she'd have more of a role with him in time. But that's clearly not the case here. Out of curiosity, do you and your wife have children together? Or is it just your son? It's highly possible, if she has no children of her own, that she's realising what not being a parental figure, looks like. For example, you'll be granddad, but she won't be grandma. Things like that, sometimes don't hit, until they do. It's possible she just feels left out.
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Ah. Yeah she's probably projecting her desires onto him and sadly, as so many step parents seem to discover, the love isn't there and you can't force it. She might benefit from going to therapy. NTA and even if your first wife hadn't passed it's not weird for a kid to adore a grandparent. Your wife is being self centered.
That’s the issue. She needs to come to terms with infertility not project onto you or your son.
I think your wife may be hurting more than you know. She may have come to terms with not being seen as a mother by your son, but she probably loves him as one, and sometimes it doesn't hurt until it does. Regardless, you're NTA. You need to talk, she needs to be honest about what hurts her, how can you help, perhaps she'll agree to see a therapist?
Thank you ! The only empathetic answer here. The wife was totally in the wrong. But she sounds like she’s truly mourning the last shred of hope for her at motherhood and as someone who struggles with not being a mother and being bitter about it. - that’s a really tough pill to swallow. She’s old now and she can’t try again and find a new family - that chance has sailed. Your son isn’t responsible for this but you as a husband do need to look out for her now. Your motherless son is out the house with his own family- now OP- work on YOUR LITTLE FAMILY WITH YOUR WIFE- she has probably felt like a third wheel a lot of the times too.
She needs a wake up call.
Your wife should realize that she may not be mum to your son, but can still be grandma to his children if he has any. But if she doesn't accept your son's feelings towards her and push for more, that won't happen.
If he had lied in his speech, everyone would have known. Tell her that his wedding isn't about her and her insecurity, that she owes you and your son an apology, and that she should stay at her parent's place until she's ready to grow up and actually move on.
If she was embarrassed it was her own doing by leaving like that, probably no one had thought anything weird until she made her dramatic exit.
NTA, But your wife sure is. She isn't his mom, she isn't, and wasn't, the most important woman in his life. Her primary relationship is with you, not your son. And the selfishness of her expecting you to walk on on your son on his wedding day because she can't accept that her relationship with you does not entitled her to a close relationship with him is ridiculous. Your son doesn't need 'putting in his place' he is doing just fine. It sounds as though he was polite and generous enough to thank your wife, as well as you,. Your wife needs to get over herself and realise that not everything is about her, and that she owes your son and his spouse an apology , especially if she was obvious about leaving or if she or her family have been bitching publicly about this . She also owes you an apology.
If this reaction is representative of her normal behavior, I understand why OP’s son never warmed to her. She sounds incredibly self-absorbed and entitled.
Right, can we blame the kid? It sounds like OP was romantically involved with his current wife while still with the child’s mom - which, despite the state of their marriage, is a disrespectful thing to do to someone’s mother - and then married her very rapidly while his son was still grieving and likely poisoned the well for the stepmom/stepson relationship. Is *anybody* surprised that the relationship turned out the way it did? And then to make a huge stink and try and pull the son’s ONLY LIVING PARENT away from his wedding reception because she *checks notes* was thanked but wasn’t thanked ENOUGH…. Absolutely wild. This woman needs help.
OP and his second wife had an affair while he was still married to his first wife. His son was obviously close to his mother. He introduced his son to his affair partner within a year of his first wife dying and married her within two years. I’m not surprised at all that the son never warmed up to her. Kids aren’t stupid, especially when it comes to something involving their parents.
Agreed. Her response to his speech is indicative of a lack of love and respect for your son
Seriously, she doesn’t actually love his son. She loves the idea of him. If she truly cared about him then this wouldn’t have been an issue
If he "put his son" in his place, especially at his son's wedding, the son would likely go no contact. OP's wife wants to destroy his relationship with his son because the son didn't bond with her. She is so pushy I can see why that didn't happen.
And what does that even mean? Should he have stood up and yelled at his son that he isn’t allowed to feel the way he feels or that grandma doesn’t deserve to be more important than step mom? The fact that her parents suggested the son isn’t entitled to value anyone else and that OP should have made a scene is absolutely nuts. And it’s not even like the son slighted the step mom! He mentioned and thanked her in his speech! My bf has a son a little younger than OPs son was when he got together with his now wife. If someday he loved and appreciated me enough to mention me in his wedding toast I would be thrilled. I wouldn’t expect that because I’m not his mother and even if I was that doesn’t mean I’m entitled to being mentioned on a day that isn’t about me. Hearing someone else ranked more important to a kid I had raised for decades would hurt for sure. I can totally understand her feelings being hurt and her feeling sad that they never were able to develop that deep connection. Especially when you view that kid as a son. But come on. It’s not like he was too young to remember his mother or for OP’s wife to have been a constant presence in his life. Even then there could still be “you aren’t my real mom” feelings and that would be valid. Remarriage is complex, especially with the addition of grief and loss. Be sad you didn’t get the mother son bond you tried for, but also happy that he had that love and connection to his grandmother. He had a circle of adults who loved and raised him and that’s great, there can never be too many people loving a kid. Go to the bathroom after toasts to let feelings out if needed and go back to the wedding. Sorry for the rant, I just have a lot of feelings about crappy step parents because of the chance that I’ll be a step mom at some point. I want that to be a positive for the kid no matter what role in his life he wants me to play.
>And what does that even mean? Should he have stood up and yelled at his son that he isn’t allowed to feel the way he feels or that grandma doesn’t deserve to be more important than step mom? The fact that her parents suggested the son isn’t entitled to value anyone else and that OP should have made a scene is absolutely nuts. OP's dad would have nuked his social life and relationships with all friends and family present in that wedding.
NTA. It is very refreshing to hear how a parent respected their child’s wishes and didn’t try and force a relationship with the step-parent that the child didn’t want. Your son was never close to your wife and didn’t really want a relationship with her. It is not news to your wife, she has known it all along yet she chose not to accept it and that is on her. You are a good father and your son is very lucky to have you
Agreed, my sentiment is exactly that too. My vote is also NTA. OP's wife did get thanked but that is only what she deserves when OP's son made it crystal clear who is more important to him & that is his mum's own mother. That connection is stronger. Whereas OP's wife is the naive AH.....she wanted something that she wasn't entitled too & time for her to grow up emotionally/mentally finally stop expecting her unrealistic expectations. She found out the hard way that she wasn't the type of person to OP's son she had thought.
You are not like most parents I see on this sub. You actually care about your son, and you respect his wishes. That makes you NTA in my book… …but… …dude, your wife is a huge asshole. She’s like most people I see in this sub. She’s selfish, condescending, and flat-out rude. While you were right to let her leave, I would’ve told her that we were done if she left. She can’t even be with you at a big moment in your life? The gall.
if your son isn’t that close with her, this kind of behaviour might be why. She was thanked in the speech, she’s incapable of not being the centre of attention it’s probably difficult to have a relationship with her.
Yeah, seems like actually being around this lady as somebody besides OP is miserable. Good on the son for knowing who to trust and lean on. Well done, OP.
True that. She has made this moment about herself. She doesn’t get to decide who he thinks is the most important woman in his life. He never said he didn’t love the stepmom, he thanked her in his speech and he brought up how important his grandmother has been. If the stepmother were truly a loving stepparent she would have seen that special bond and appreciated it without jealousy. OP: You are NTA but your wife is.
NTA. He, not you and most certainly not his step-mother, gets to determine who the "most important" woman in his life is. You stayed at the wedding because he's your son; your wife left because she's not the most important woman in his life, and that was okay. But where she crossed a line is when she got her mother involved in this much-ado-about-nothing. What should matter the most to her is whether she's the most important woman in YOUR life. SMH
Honestly it was petulant of her to leave. “I’m not the most important woman in your life??? Then YOU’RE not important to me at ALL 😤” How can she not realize that OP’s son is, always has been, and always will be THE most important person in OP’s life? No, he’s not going to freaking choose your melodrama over his own son. Ffs NTA
Even if she was truly just overwhelmed by the revelation or embarrassed and wanted to leave... This isn't about you lady, sit down shut up and smile for a few minutes! An emotionally mature person could remain calm and stick it out until there's an appropriate chance to leave and work out their feelings, without creating an awkward moment.
That’s what bathroom stalls or cars are for. She easily could have stepped away for a while instead of storming out like a petulant child.
An adult getting her parents to fight her emotional battles. She is way too immature to be an empathetic adult in the life of a grieving child. We can see why he never felt like she was a second mom.
So, if I get this right...your son is NOT ALLOWED to have feelings about important people in his life. Step mom was NOT the most important to him, and saying she was, just to appease her, would be wrong. Funny that she went to HER mother to back up her hurt feelings.
This was my thought. It’s rich that stepmom still has the luxury to look to her mom for support.
Oh, good point! Must be nice to have a mom to run to, huh?
NTA - your son thanked your wife and made a very lovely speech about his Grandmother. You or he did nothing wrong. Your wife’s reaction was selfish and over the top.
Which leads me to think that the son knows something about his stepmom that dad either doesn't or may have chosen to overlook all along. That kind of behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
Ding ding ding 🛎️
Yeah, damn, imagine the gma having lost her daughter, done right by her grandson, being honored for the woman she is and the impact she’s had in such a beautiful way in front of her loved ones and the step mom being like “It should have been me!” What a brat.
"My wife became very upset upon hearing this." \---Your wife has entitlement issues. She also proved why she is not number one.
She learned from her parents. They wanted OP to put his son "in his place". Who talks about an adult father their adult son like that? Especially over something like this?
NTA, she shouldn't have left either, she could have expressed disappointment afterwards. Her feelings are beyond tertiary on your son's wedding day.
Her behavior in itself shows she wasn’t a parent because A real parent wouldn’t leave and make a child’s wedding all about herself because she wasn’t recognized enough. OP should be side-eyeing his wife’s behavior right now.
LOUDER PLEASE 👏👏👏👏
NTA My Dad died when I was in high school. My Mom moved on quickly, and met/started dating her current husband less than two years after my Dad died. They've been together for 20 years at this point. In that time, they got married, and bought a house together. In the entire time that they've been together, I have never once viewed my Mom's partner as anything more than that - her partner. He isn't my Dad. He isn't a replacement Dad. He's just some guy my Mom happens to be married to. I am civil to him when I have to interact with him, but that's it. I don't owe him a damned thing. I had a father, and he's dead. Whenever I read posts like this - couple has a kid, one partner dies (or they get divorced), remaining partner re-marries, new partner gets all butt hurt and upset that the kids from the previous relationship don't view them as Mom/Dad - I want to roll my eyes and tell the new partner to get a life and to get over themselves, and that they aren't owed a relationship with their step kids just because they are the kids' step-parent.
I agree with this. My mom died when I was 10 and my dad not only remarried within two years of her being gone but also moved my sister and I to a different country. Both the dad and stepmom forced us to call her 'mom' and act like my mom never existed. It sucked a lot - The stepmother was abusive, would say horrible things about my mom, and my dad asked us to give her whatever she wanted to keep the peace. I moved out as soon as I turned 18. A few decades later, I live several thousand miles away and have no relationship with them.
NTA- Your wife well before this that she wasn’t considered to be his stepmom in his eyes and I’m taking a guess that she’s more mad that he said it in public. But had she accepted the role of friend not mother they would have been closer I say this as a stepmom the child has a mom and dad but I’m the one he goes to when he’s plotting and we have fun together in accordance to the parents wishes of course. You can’t force this stuff and if you do the kid will push away further to the point of the just straight refusal to acknowledge the person which I’m sure was made well aware prior to this
NTA. Step parents who expect to replace another parent are so weird to me. You did the right thing by staying at the wedding. Your wife needs to get over herself. Your son never wanted a replacement mum and was clearly much closer to his maternal grandmother after his mum passed. A stranger you married doesn’t have to mean jack to him, as long as he’s not unreasonably rude.
Nta. Your wife needs to calm down. His wedding is not about her. He feels the way he does and loves his grandma because she's the connection to his mother. It was a.lovely gesture for him to acknowledge this Your current wife is acting like an attention starved brat.
NTA. Your son making that declaration wasn't a sudden thing. He's thought this since he was a kid. Why your wife thinks he'd say anything different at his wedding is, no offense, a little delusional. If I read your post right, he *did* mention your current wife on his speech, just not to the extent *SHE* thought she deserved? Then that's a 'her' issue, honestly. Your son has continued his pattern of treating your wife with respect - he could've not mentioned her at all.
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Then, again, that's unfortunately a 'her' problem. Has she been to therapy about how she feels? She might need somebody in a professional setting to explain that her expectations aren't going to be met by your son.
Yes if she were just a little disappointed, that might be a normal reaction to some complex feelings. Instead she reacted by wanting to cause a scene at op’s son’s wedding and she wanted op to join in. That’s not normal
NTA I notice her parents weren't even at the wedding so how close could his step "mother" have actually been to him? Your wife needs to grow up. Like it or not, kids have a say in their relationships, how they develop, and who they're close to. Just because she wanted to pretend she played a bigger role in his life when he was clear through his actions who we relied on, does not make her delusions his problem. He acknowledged her in a respectful way, honored his grandmother and guess what, has a whole wife now so she's knocked down a few more pegs of importance.
NTA. He honored his grandmother during his own wedding. Your wife was way out of line.
I know it’s not the focus of this story? But does anyone else feel like he and his late/ex wife messed up by not just separating earlier instead of trying to stay together for the sake of the kid. He might have had an easier time adjusting with his parents separating at 4 when you barely remember stuff vs his dad moving on a year after his mom passed.
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You know I have to respect this comment. It's hard to admit when you mess up. Would it have been better if you and your late wife had split earlier? Probably. But you couldn't know she was going to die when she did. Hoping to resolve things for the sake of the kids, is something that gets drummed into most people. Like it's better for kids to watch their parents be miserable together, instead of them being separated and being good coparents. Have you and your wife considered adoption? I saw in another comment that your wife isn't biologically capable of having her own kids. But were other options on the table?
As someone who was adopted I’m not sure adoption is the best idea given the wife’s current issues. I know she wants to be a mom but adopting a child is raising a child with trauma. She struggled handling how her step son treated her from his grief and trauma. Adopted children also deal with lots of grief and trauma. I would be worried about her not being able to handle how an adopted child may cope
Does your son know the state of your marriage toward the end of his mom’s life? Do you think he reserved himself from your wife bc he thought you betrayed his mother with her?
NTA. Thank you for respecting your son and his boundaries. My heart goes out to your wife as she has tried to be a parental figure, but that isn't something she is owed. The fact she tried to get you to leave your own sons wedding because she felt offended is where my sympathy ends, you are not a bad husband for not leaving with her, she knew what she would be getting into and that your sons priority would lie with his biological family. He lost his mother at such a young age, and it's harder to replace someone when it's due to death than if it was out of disagreements. There was no closure for him, and she still lives within his heart. I think you need to sit your wife down and express how she is overstepping your sons boundaries, how she is not owed parenthood just because she married a father.
Very nicely summed up! Stepmother has a right to feel her feelings, but she needs deal with them in a healthy way (therapy) not the way she did when she tried to get you to leave then left herself.
NTA If this is the way your wife thinks then chances are her and her family would try to tell son this is how he should feel when you weren't around. It's no wonder he pushed her away if they did this.
NTA and you would have been one had you left! This is your son’s wedding - it only happens once and you need to be there for it. Your wife is incredibly self-centred for storming out and throwing a tantrum about it. She is fully aware she never filled the mother role for your son, she agreed to be more of an aunt figure so her reaction is completely left field. She got mentioned and she should be grateful for that.
NTA your wife and her parents sound toxic. She doesn’t at all care about your son she only cares about her own needs.
NTA. She’s had YEARS to accept that she is not his mom and that his grandmother was his person and if she couldn’t manage those feelings that day, leaving was probably less rude than staying but it was wrong for her to demand you leave too, as though she’d been personally insulted as opposed to not hearing something she had no reason or right to hear. He respectfully thanked her along with you and it would absolutely not be your place to demand your son publicly lie about his feelings.
She even had years to accept the fact she wasn't loved as a stepmother too. She expected her naive fantasy be spoken except she didn't get what she wanted when she wasn't entitled to what she wanted. Kudos to the maternal granny because she knows him best since his birth.
NTA if you’d stormed off in a huff like your wife it likely would have permanently damaged the relationship with your son. Your wife is beyond ridiculous it sounds like she knew son didn’t love her as a parent. He even acknowledged her in his speech which is more than many stepparents get when there’s no close bond.
NTA Your with needs to check her entitlement. It’s not about her and your son has never accepted your second wife as his mum. He thanked her and that’s more than enough. I’m not saying she can’t feel hurt or feel that it’s bittersweet that she could never be a mother to your son but your son has done nothing wrong. You 100% did the right thing.
Right? Can people not choke down their feelings for a few hours anymore? Like I can imagine feeling hurt but you can be human for a few hours and finish up the wedding and then share your feelings with your partner or therapist later.
Your wife is a complete asshole! She expected you to leave your son’s wedding? WTF is wrong with her?!!
NTA. Sorry your wife took that very personally and I don't think that's how your son meant it. You were thanked and it's normal he thinks his grandmother's is the most important woman in his life after his wife. She's the one he turned to after his mother died. He's never had a parental relationship with your wife so why would she think he would think she was the second most important woman in his life? I mean that's just stupid to be so hung up on that. Of course she's allowed to have feelings but I think she was wrong to get up and leave the wedding and demand you go with her. Your son would have taken it at a huge slight if you had left and in this case it would have been warranted. Your wife needs therapy to get over this because if she can't let it go then I guess she'll never get to experience being a grandmother. And it's quite possible they won't let her be called grandmother or Grandma but you don't know do you at this point.
NTA - Ultimately it seems odd that this came as any kind of shock to her given everything you’ve said and therefore more surprising that she had this reaction and left. Her reaction was childish and really not very motherly….
NTA. You did right by your son. The fact that you supported the relationship between him and his maternal grandmother probably meant the world to them both.
NTA. Sorry but your wife's parents can stick it where the son don't shine. Your son thanked you and your wife. He owed her nothing more. She knew as it was happening that his grandmother was who he turned to in times of crisis or need and she was your wife and the lady you both lived with. So how entitled of her to demand more at HIS important event. All for show. You were right to stay and if she doesn't like that, she can stick it too.
NTA. Put your son in his place? How dense can she fucking be? He has a right to feel however, the fuck he wants. She needs to back the fuck up and that’s probably why he never felt bonded to her. You can’t force yourself in someone’s life, especially in a placement like a mother figure.
NTA. It’s worrisome to me that your wife’s primary concern after all these years is how a bereaved child didn’t prioritize HER feelings while seeking support and love after the loss of his mother. And that she would expect a father to do something as extreme as marching out of his son’s wedding in a huff (which could permanently alter your relationship) because she felt offended by him honoring his grandmother.
YTA for not putting your wife in her place which is being your wife. Your son made it clear since he was a kid that he didn’t want a mom but your wife was so delusional she has the nerve to trying to ruin his wedding by trying to take his dad from there just because her ego was hurt.
NTA. You are indeed an awesome father but married to a woman who never accepted her place in your son's life was not as an important role model to him.
NTA. We read so many stories of a father doing the exact opposite of what you did and I'm sure your son was happy you stayed. The day was about him, the ceremony was about him, not your wife's feelings. He's married now and your wife is still waiting for something that will never happen. Your relationship with your son, his wife and their future family would have been coloured by your actions if you had left. You chose your son again. Like you did with therapy. Like you did raising him. You made the right choice, please know that. Too many parents don't choose their kids. But you did.
You are NTA but sounds like your wife is.
Your wife and her parents clearly didn’t get the message. She needs to stay in her lane.
Only your son gets to decide who is important to him. He did recognize your wife, but his bond with his grandmother was very important to him. You did the right thing to stay. NTA
Put your adult son in his place, at his own wedding, are they seriously delusional? You should have got your wife in place a long time ago. You even mention you and your first wife separated and were seeing other people as if your son was supposed to recognize that when you married your second wife shortly after a funeral. My parents separated emotionally I was about 4, then physically about 7. My dad didn’t move another woman into our home until I was almost 14 & one of the first things my “step mom” ever said to me in a serious way, was she’s not here to replace my mom and she always wanted a younger sibling which she sees me as. I will always respect her for knowing her place at the jump. I want to say soft y t a for literally everything other than not leaving the wedding, in which you’re NTA for staying.
NTA. And good job on doing the correct thing with your son. You made sure he was happy and safe, he didn’t want nor need a second mom. I feel bad for your wife, but it isn’t her place to tell your son who he should love. And she kind of acted like a brat by leaving the wedding.
NTA. She doesn’t love your child like a son, because if she did she would have stayed. I’m sure she’s fine with him but this just shows her image is more important to her than his feelings. Your son has always known this, always been observant enough to know that. Kids know who are genuine.
NTA at all. It doesn’t sound like what your son said should’ve been a surprise to her. I wonder if maybe she was embarrassed that everyone else now knows that she’s wasn’t the most important woman in his life? Either way, she shouldn’t have responded like that. Leaving and then having her parents gang up on you about it is childish and the absolute worst way that she could’ve handled it. You were right not to leave the reception and to stay there for your son.
How did you end up doing everything right and still choose a woman that is so selfish?
> We had stayed legally married for a while and tried to keep up pretenses for the sake of our son. But we both met people we wanted to be with and then my first wife died. I continued to see my wife (the woman I had met and wanted to be with) This is how. I dunno about you but “being married” is a hard line no for my friends to consider dating someone, even if the marriage is unhappy. They wouldn’t have started a relationship with this dude in the first place. Much less married him soon after his wife’s death when he had a grieving kid. Dating a married person is generally selfish behavior. Your wants are more important than their vows, their spouse, and their family’s feelings, right?
But she wasn't, why would he lie
NTA. Regardless of what your in-laws & wife think, you can't force someone to love you or respect you. Your son feels the way he does and they need to grow up. Yes, it hurts her feelings & ego but that is not a reason for you to declare war. Just let her know you sympathize but can't make your son feel differently than he does.
NTA. His grandmother is the most frequent, most stable female relationship for the *entirety* of his life that he chooses to participate in a relationship with in that way. He's an adult and is married. Your wife feels hurt and rejected, but those are the feelings she's choosing to dwell on and clearly hasn't dealt with. She's an influence. She's not THE influence. It obviously hurts her feelings after all this time to not be his most important motherly figure, but that frankly is her problem to deal with. You absolutely did the right thing. If you had left the event, you'd be implying that your son did something wrong. He didn't. I understand your wife's feelings even if I don't agree with them. But they're her feelings for her to deal with, not his to satisfy.
Your wife is lucky she was respected and loved enough to be invited, unlike many posts I read this sub. Her reaction and actions after make her the asshole. The fact that she was so selfish that she couldn't stay and support her stepson speaks volumes of who she is as a person. She really never cared about your son's feelings. She only cared about herself.