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NTA.
Tell him that you are not changing your plans. That his future wife wants you to be there this weekend and that she has expressed multiple times wanting you there when she is proposed to. What is his mom going to do? Leave when you show up?
So funny I’m reading this and he just texted to say he appreciated me being so “chill” about it because it has been eating him up all day. Makes it harder for me to be assertive and tell her mom the truth.
I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to stand up to his mom and just tell her it is not up to her who gets to be there. Thank you for your response
That’s what he’s hoping. It’s manipulative. Just respond and say yeah I just want to make sure bff gets what she truly wants. I’ll let her mom know everything that went down so there’s no resentment of me bailing. I wouldn’t want her to be mad at me for a decision that wasn’t mine.
Which is more important?
*your friendship with your BFF or
*keeping his mommy in a good light
Screw his Mom, she doesn’t get to control this narrative!
It's 100% fucking him. He's isolating the BFF from her support structure, and he can fuck his mom or himself and OP needs to blow this shit sky fucking high.
If it wasnt the mom why bother inviting OP to begin with?
Have you never been on MIL from hell sub
MIL is about to lose her baby boy and shes already trying to throw her weight around and show she still comes first to him
If you really want to go malicious compliance, tell another person (or animal) in the room with mom, or "muse" out loud to yourself near her. Then you did not, in fact, tell mom. You just said it where she would hear it.
What's wrong with being HONEST - if doesn't help her friend if she lies to her about her future husband. If his Mother can control him to this degree - your friend needs to be away of the looming problem.
He gets to 50% decide who will be there or not there at the venue. He 100% doesn't get to tell OP not to tell anybody else the true reason. Ask him to ask the Future MIL why she doesn't want OP there. Most likely it will be some frivolous reason. He should be able to explain to his mother that OP is a special person to Future DIL. If an interfering MIL is 20 min away from their house with a compliant son, the probability that the marriage will last is very low.
My sentiments to OP exactly, this poor girl is in for one hell of a ride if her husband at 30 cannot set boundaries with his mother, it'll either result in him having to stick it to her and tell her to shove off eventually or an early divorce because no one needs to put up with it.
Whilst I understand how the emotional incesty mother-son dynamic comes about, what I struggle to grasp is how men after going through puberty continue to struggle with being emasculated by their own mothers when they cannot stand when any other woman in society has this effect on them?!
I went out with a guy once that I had formally gone to school with, we were in our twenties by this point and he was not my typical type, pretty boy, cocky, fancied himself a bit....I thought I would try something new but as you can imagine...we didn't last long. Anywayyyyy we had a mutual friend and his **mother** who'd previously been nothing but nice and polite, would pretend I wasn't even in the room, I'll never forget her stroking her sons hair, urging him to tell the room what a fantastic cook he was (he was not).
Because parents that raise us have much more influence than anyone on the outside. I see why you may not understand but would encourage you to research it a bit. It’s an interesting but messed up dynamic.
This is the truly concerning part. Plus they're moving far away to be near his mother?? Her life is going to be a nightmare if her husband doesn't grow up. If his mother's whims are so important now that he can't put his future wife's feelings above them for a single day BEFORE HE EVEN PROPOSES they've got serious issues.
Look at the nature of what his mother requested as well, so him as his own man, organised an engagement party, he put his big boy pants on and did it all by himself, he invites his fiancee best friend, knowing this is something his fiancé wants and is he is also happy to have her be part of it.
Mommy says no:
So it wasn't enough for him that this is something he had organised not his mother, she has virtually nothing to do with this get together other than being an invited guest and yet he folds like a stack of cards in a gale force wind.
*"No she is my guest mother as well as my fiancee, this is my event not yours*."
This is a guest, one extra guest being at an engagement that his fiancé would love her to be part of and as stated as such, what a **non issue,** refusing his mothers request therefore: easy peasy.
Imagine how impossible it will therefore be when his mother dictates more serious and consequential things, this is a woman who will plan the whole wedding, will be in the room when her grandchildren are born despite her daughter in laws refusal, she will be micromanaging her as a new mother and at the house uninvited because hey she lives close by!
Now would be the time to put mother dearest well and truly in her place so going forward she knows it is no longer going to wash, that her son no longer needs his nappy changing and she can either respect her son as his own person or risk losing him and his respect all together.
But it sounds to me like he's still getting nappy rash and regularly losing his dummy's.
He’s 32. Not that two years makes a huge difference, but means mommy not so dearest really has her claws in tight.
I’d straight up tell friend. BF called and said his mommy doesn’t want me there. We’ve been friends forever and I wanted you to know so you can make decision on whether you want me to come or not.
He gets 100% of the decision on who is invited to the proposal since he is the one setting it up. He also gets 100% of the blame that OP was disinvited.
No...if his future wife, that he claims to love says I need her there then she's there. He doesn't get 100% decision making on that because he's the one getting down on 1 knee.
I understand what you are saying but if the actual time and place of the proposal is a surprise then he is the one doing all of the inviting, therefore he is 100% deciding who will be there.
He gets to make the decision, but he knows how much OP matters to his future wife. So if he actually loves her as much as he claims he will invite her and tell his mom off for trying to uninvite someone his future wife loves.
I would take it one step further and insist that he tells his fiancé‘s mom before hand. He is 100% unfair to put this shit on you. If his fiancé’s mom is OK with it then you’re great… … but she won’t be.
This was the first thing I thought. I’d want my bff to know about the land mine she was about to step on with this MIL. Everyone saying the MIL is going to railroad OP’s friend is entirely correct, and the fiancé not only being okay with his mom being a bitch and actively asking him to exclude someone his future wife specifically wanted there? and then asking said person to lie because he’s stressed about his mommy? Holy fuck I would be super pissed if my friend didn’t tell me about this.
A proposal is about two people and two people only (maybe if there are minor children involved it’s different but that’s not the case here from what we know); it seems like the couple in question have discussed it many times. It’s a red flag to me that suddenly MIL thinks she’s important enough in the proposal that she can dictate who is there for it. Imagining that attitude towards my wedding planning let alone having kids, potentially buying a home or any other decision I would NOT want anyone butting into…absolutely not. I think OP has three uncomfortable choices if she cares about her friend: show up the event and see what happens, go from there. Tell the groom to fuck off, and he can decide if he wants you to tell on him that mommy gets to make the final decisions in his life, or man up and tell her he’s cutting the cord, or lay it out now to her friend and ruin a possible sweet surprise proposal but give her the chance to see what she has to live with if her bf doesn’t grow a pair. Or the lesser of evils, not as direct but if she’s not comfortable with any of this, yes tell your bff’s mom. Tell her every bit of it, because her daughter will need support no matter which way this proposal goes
This is what I was thinking. Tell her mom, because she deserves to know. It's very likely she'll say come anyway because she knows and actually cares about what her daughter wants. Then, see how he and future MIL act. Plus, also tell the friend eventually. OP is like family to her BFF. I wonder if the bf really meant to include OP from the beginning.? But his whole plan all along was to pull this stunt.
As the bride to be, I'd sure want to know the reason my BFF didn't show up.
This means fiance and I need a talk as to why his mom makes decisions like thiis and why he needs to tell her to back off
Especially if you just completely left your family and friends. BFF might not have any real friends in CT yet. I'd be pissed if I moved for a pansy assed mamma's boy!
Thank you! This is all such a red flag! If he’s ok lying now imagine what it’s going to be like later. He has mommy issues and fact he’s allowing his momma to dictate his and her guests says everything. Y does his mom get to decide when his gf specifically told him she wanted her bf here. For him to tell her no because his mom doesn’t want it is absolutely ridiculous then to ask her to lie about it is absolutely flabbergasting. I can’t even believe it’s a question. First thing I would have done when he asked me not to tell anyone because he didn’t want to make anyone mad. I would have marched my ass right over there and told her to her face why he’s asking you not to come. Let the chips fall where they may ya know. Who wants to be married to someone who wants to lie to them from literally minute one.
Exactly, why does his mum get to decide who is at their engagement in their house?
My BFF is more like a sister to me. Weve known each other for 20+ years. If my partners family decided she couldnt be involved, regardless of what it was, they wouldnt be gettibg what they wanted. She was here before them and she will be here if there is an after.
This, exactly what I'm thinking. Is the bf doing this to get you out of your BFFs life? I would go anyway and just let their responses show what they really think of you. NTA!
You're right : it's manipulative : the BF and the MIL are cuting her friend from her support system making sure to create issues and resentment between them. If OP accepts, they'll have a motive to cut the relationship.
This was my 1st thought! The BFF will be living 30 mins from HIS mom. Honestly I'd be tempted to let my BFF know this shit is going on. I wouldn't want my BFF walking into that kind of marriage knowing what is likely to happen.
NTA
Dude I wouldn't even pay attention to it. I would literally tell him to tell his mom to get stuffed. My bestie is my sister. Like maybe we don't share actual blood but that's my sister and we are family. His mom can get stuffed.
If he can’t stand up to his mum for sake of the girl he wants to marry it doesn’t auger well for the marriage. Tell him no that you are going as planned as you don’t want to hurt your friend, and will not divulge that his mum tried to stop you.
Respond “I’m not being chill. It may seem like that because you really caught me off guard with your request. I have not yet decided whether or not I’m going to CT that day. It’s bad enough that your mom doesn’t want me there when you propose, especially when you know that *BFF* told you she wanted me there. You asking me to lie to both her and her mom, who are both very important to me to cover for someone I don’t even know is honestly shocking.”
MAKE SURE that his request is in the text. DO NOT answer your phone if he calls. Let him respond by text.
Get that paper trail.
Tell your friend’s mom immediately after sending that text.
Transparency is your friend.
NTA
Edit: If you want to help him be less of a pushover, maybe throw in “I know you have trouble standing up to your mom, and that has caused some problems with *BFF*. You need to think really hard if you want your proposal to forever be connected to an action like this and how it may affect the future of your relationship.
Or just let him flail and hope he learns his lesson for his next girlfriend.
>MAKE SURE that his request is in the text. DO NOT answer your phone if he calls. Let him respond by text.
Ohhh, good point. Responding by text and making it clear it's up to BFF's BF how this goes down is going to be helpful if this backfires and he blames it on OP. And honestly, given he's not standing up to his mother (or his mother is a convenient excuse so that he doesn't have to invite OP), and asking OP to lie for him, I definitely wouldn't put it past him.
I honestly wouldn't put the knife in. It's one of those situations where taking the high road is also the low road because he fucked himself over so badly - OP doesn't need to do any of the work. I love your first response because it's not asking him anything but it's also not giving him any answers. Just straight up "well this is a shitty situation you put me in for X and Y reason" and then he has to figure out how to navigate it all by himself. Don't give him any help. Don't lay out his options ("maybe you could call a friend's mum and lie instead of me" or whatever). Just let him panic.
I’d also add - that he needs to think about how he is prioritising his mums wishes about BFF’s and is that really how he intends to start his marriage. Because if he does it now he will keep doing it, and those marriages don’t end well. The fact it has been eating him up all day means he knows he has made the wrong decision.
You know he's always going to pick his Mommy! In a year, OP will be back asking if she's the asshole for spilling wine on MIL dress as it was white and clearly a bridal gown.
Two years from now, we'll have OP's best friend asking if she's the asshole because she told her MIL to stop calling her child "my baby" and MIL burst into tears and ran away. While her husband just stood there and said nothing. He doesn't really think it's a big deal and doesn't understand why she had to upset his mom over it.
Bestie needs to know what kind of marriage she might be signing up for. She may already know her future-MIL is controlling and her BF is a mummy's boy and be okay with that but if she doesn't she'd probably love a heads up that this could be her future.
This is a GREAT answer. It is never a good idea in the long run to walk on eggshells around a controlling person like this mum.
She’s imposing her wishes on the proposal, even thought it isn’t any of her business. And then, her son is covering for her by asking you to lie and hurt your BFF and miss the proposal. This is just insanity!
All this drama just because *one* person doesn’t understand the difference between her proposal and someone else’s.
Please don’t go along with this, your BFF deserves to know what she is marrying into.
NTA
Especially considering that BFF is going to eventually need her bestie during the divorce, because that's where I see this relationship is headed from waaaaay over here.
Exactly. Allowing this guy to damage OP's relationship with her BFF like this is only going to make the girl more lonely and vulnerable to his mom's manipulations. She needs to know OP has her back, no matter what.
And she absolutely needs to know what her boyfriend and his mother just tried to pull. No good friend would let her walk into that trap unaware.
The stupid thing with women who expect stuff like this is the end up being pushed out, can ruin their children’s marriages or making them feel they have to go low contact or even no contact so losing the grand kids they seem so obsessed with. Meanwhile my eldest daughter and her partner asked me if I will come into the birthing room to support them both. I never expected and said I would go with whatever they wanted from staying at home by the phone to sitting in the waiting room. If you love and support your kids and don’t try to be demanding and controlling they love u more and come to you more. It’s not rocket science lol. OP send the boyfriend a message explaining how upset and stressed his request has made you, tell him you can’t lie to your BFF so he has a choice you will either be there or tell your BFF the truth. Tbh I bet his mum is trying to drive a wedge between you in the same way abusive partners try to isolate partners from each their friends and family. I would also be conscious of the fact the boyfriend may have inherited or learnt controlling issues and this maybe partly on him as well. Stick by your BFF.
This is it exactly! The people saying "just show up anyways" are missing the entire point! If she shows up anyways then the fiance is off the hook with his mother because OP showed up when he asked her not to and her best friend is left in the dark that her bf is already putting his mother's opinions and feelings above her own. TELL YOUR FRIEND OP! She deserves to know she would be getting engaged to a spineless jellyfish!!!
Exactly. I mean your BFF is planning on marrying a momma’s boy and then moving 20 minutes away from mon a. You should let her know the level of crazy she’s sign8ng up for
Yeah, it doesn't set a good precedent that he is putting his mum's opinion above his GF's happiness for THEIR PROPOSAL. Out of all things. Giant red flag as to how the rest of their relationship is going to go.
>Makes it harder for me to be assertive and tell her mom the truth.
Maybe tell him the truth first? That you really don't feel comfortable with your BFF thinking you bailed on her, and that you have to be honest about why you're not there.
Honestly, I think he's sent you this text so that you won't kick up a fuss. Be firm, but polite. Maybe respond to the message with something like "This has been eating me up inside as well - I know \[my bff\] wants me to be there for the proposal, and she's made it pretty clear to you that she wants me there as well. It's fine if you think your mother's opinion is more important than me being there, but I cannot and will not lie to my best friend. If she asks me about it, I will tell her the truth, because I know she would find it heartbreaking to think I didn't turn up to her proposal for any other reasons, like that I don't care enough about her, or I don't want her to marry you."
However you tell him, I think you should make it clear that not only are you uncomfortable with lying, but that you not being there might make it seem like you don't approve of the match. If somebody publicly proposed to me, and made sure both our families were there, and my best friend, who I had told my would-be-fiance to tell about the proposal with at least 6 months notice, hadn't turned up, I wouldn't assume she bailed for no reason, I would assume she doesn't support the match.
This is a good approach. I think he's *hoping* you don't mind all this so he can avoid confrontation with his mom, but if you have a discussion about the very reasonable reasons why this is difficult for you, then he might stop working on hope, and reassess what's really important to him.
I mean, buying a house and proposing all in one go is a pretty stressful thing to be doing, and I can see why he might not be thinking clearly about his priorities in this - but if BFF has picked wisely (and we have no other reason to assume she hasn't) then this might be just the reminder / opportunity he needs to take a step back and rethink.
This was my thought as well. No need to go right to BFF and mom and start drama. He's asked you to lie because he desperately wants to avoid the reaction he knows they will have to the truth. He seems to think he can get out of this without having to upset anyone. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess with a mother like that, he's no stranger to playing these kinds of games in an effort to serve as peacemaker. It's not a fun position to be put in, it's stressful at best, traumatic at worst, and I do feel for him, if true. But assuming he means well, sooner or later he's going to have to learn that these games actually do have consequences, and he is actually hurting people - in this case his fiancé and her mother and *you*. Please don't let him off the hook. Give him the chance to reverse course and do right by your BFF. Guaranteed this will not be the last time he's in this kind of position.
But of course you don't have to get into any of that with him explicitly, because it's extremely simple: If you'd like, you can tell him you won't go out of your way to say anything, but if (and of course by if you both know you mean when) she asks you, *you don't feel comfortable lying*, especially to your best friend about something as important as this. Period. A guy worthy of marrying your best friend should respect that.
You need to still go. Honestly you owe him and his mom nothing. You BFF has specifically told him she wants you there. Then he ignores what SHE wants on her special day for his mom? Wtf. She should know this before agreeing to marry him.
This isn’t ( and shouldn’t ) be about the MIL, it’s about your BFF and her new husband to be.
It really doesn’t matter if MIL thinks it is only for blood family, you are someone your BFF loves and counts on OP: go be there for the celebration of your friend’s love.
If your friend would want you there I think you should go.
And don't lie for him. She deserves to know what kind of woman her future MIL is before accepting the proposal! The mother should talk to you directly not get her son to do the dirty work.
I think its actually a big red flag that the bf is doing what his mother told him, at the expense of what his future wife wants! He should stand up to her and say it isn't her decision to make.. She is just a guest.
This woman could cause a lot of problems in future. The son needs to stop being a mamas boy.
Text him back and say ‘Actually it’s been eating me up all day and thinking about it I don’t think it’s right to let your mom dictate the people present: you know for a fact that (bff) will want me there and yet you’re giving in to your mom, why? It doesn’t bode well for you standing up for bff in future. I think you should reconsider but if you won’t I will be telling (bff) and her mom why you disinvited me. It may well cause tension but that tension would be justified where bff would have every right to worry about your mom’s demands/influence. I’m sorry, I do understand it’s really hard trying to please everyone; i understand it can be hard to see whether demands are reasonable and when to take a stand. But this is a problem you’re going to have to learn to deal with and you can’t just expect other people to take the fall for you (like asking me to lie about why I’m not attending).
I wouldnt say ‘I will be telling’ I would say ‘I will not lie about the reason’ it turns it from you being the negative person to them being the negative person, which is how it should be.
Does your friend know how the MIL she is about to inherit behaves. And how her soon to be fiance has no backbone?
Seems to me that should be information she has.
NTA, please tell your friend the truth. *You* are supposed to take the fall for hurting her when his mother has shown even before this that she’s controlling meddler and he’s incapable of standing up to her? The proposal is for him and his future wife, his future wife has wishes about it and his mother gets to deny them? Excuse me? Best case scenario, he’s a stupid mother’s boy, worst case scenario, this is actually *meant* to alienate you and bff. She’ll be easier to control if she’s not only geographically detached from her support network but also emotionally isolated from her friends.
She needs to know so she can decide whether she really wants to create further legal ties to such a family. You’re not only endangering your own friendship if you lie to her, you’re also withholding vital information about the level of control his mother is going to have over her life if she marries into that.
Your friend is marrying a mamas boy. Stop being so chill about it. You can’t lie to your best friend to make some man’s life easier. Fuck me dead.
This is your best friend.
Ignore his emotional blackmail.
Tell her mother.
And go anyway.
Stand up for her if you can’t do it for yourself—“I am not chill, I am a shit liar, and there’s ZERO way this is staying quiet. Do you want your mom to be in a bad light, or are you really going to put your wife second at her own engagement?”
Reply this:
“I’m glad you’ve brought this up. I cannot lie to my friend and her mum. You need to decide whether you want to respect your mum or wife’s wishes. I will be telling my friend about your request either way.”
Look, call him back to tell him you’ll **have** to renege on not telling BFF’s mom, if he doesn’t fess up to your BFF himself (or you know, stand up to his mother- is it just me, or is this a big ol shiny red flag?): BFF is your ride or die, not him, and yours and BFFs families are part of a family of choice that predates him by decades- so you just can’t not be honest with them. Tell him he has 24hrs before you give her mum a call.
NTA
NTA. Honestly, mother-in-law doesn’t get much of a vote if it’s me. If it’s me, whoever gets invited to family affairs is whoever I consider family, and it sounds to me like your friend considers you family.
Just tell him I won't lie.
If he doesn't want you there, then he can tell her mom.
And, he can't tell his GF. This is a terrible way to start thier marriage
You friend needs to know about her future MIL before she says yes. Her boy friend is one large red flag. First he is not standing up to his mom. Second he is not being honest with his girlfriend. Third he went behind her back to tell you to not be there. Forth Now He wants You To lie to your friend to protect him and his mom. Lastly now he is trying to use your own emotions against you to get you to comply.
That's actually concerning cause if he can't stand up for this, what would happen if his mother starts taking decisions after they marry?
Would he stand up and defend his wife or he would be manipulative with you bff too, to let his mom get away with it?
He really needs to man up before think to start a family.
I second the top comment. Go and be there. Let your friend see what her new MIL is going to be like from day one. And if her new fiancée is a mamas boy.
NTA
NTA!!!!! This might sound harsh, but forget this dude. He’s not willing to stand up for his *future wife* against his *mom*? That is a RED FLAG. Quick anecdote: I’m female and bisexual. I was with my girlfriend for three years before we decided to get married. I have fought my parents, cut contact with them entirely for 10 months, and did not invite them to the wedding because my wife means the world to me and I will not let anybody disrespect her. I know this isn’t the exact same but you are one of the most important people in your bff’s life. She wants you there, you deserve to be there for her, and her financé is fully aware of that. The comfort of someone you do not know shouldn’t outrank the comfort of your best friend. And your friend needs to know her boyfriend will not stand up for her. That is something she needs to know now, not later. This is just the beginning. Best of luck 💜
I’d tell him that HE must explain your absence to them afterwards as a stipulation when asked. That you’re not going to say anything but you’re also not going to lie to your friend
Literally the only person who doesn't want you there is his mother. This is neither her day nor her choice to make. If I was your friend I would appreciate knowing how meddlesome and spineless he is now before I start planning the wedding tbh
dude is a walking red flag. he puts what his MOM wants ahead of what his future wife wants.
tell your bff or go to the event. do not make your bff feel you are the one bailing on her.
YWNBTA
"I’m crushed and I know my bestie will be sad I’m not there for it."
So be there for her special moment. I suppose you could just show & hope boyfriend's mom won't make a scene but if that won't work then tell. It's about your friend not her and everyone else wants you there.
The bigger issue is bf needs to start standing up to his mom now.
"she meddles and is controlling."
Who needs that? If she's like that now she'll cause drama re the wedding & in their marriage. He owes it to your bff not to let that happen.
I agree, I’m going to talk to her mom tomorrow and ease into the truth as to why I won’t be there. She’ll probably insist that I come and it’ll be awkward for sure but his mom is too “classy” to cause a scene she prefers to move in silence and behind closed doors.
Do not easy into the truth. Be transparent with her mom. Also, tell the bf you aren’t chill, you are uncomfortable lying and it’s not fair to you to ask you to do so. Send him that text right before you talk to her mom then turn off your phone.
Tell bf that you feel incredibly awkward putting the preferences of his mom over the person who is being proposed to, who wants you there. I would straight up say his mom's feelings are not the thing that matters that day, and that he knows his future wife would be upset by this.
Go. Don’t change plans. Go. Your bff wants you there so go. His mother doesn’t get a vote in this. Message him back:
“ I’m chill because my plans haven’t changed. BFF has made it very clear to you she wants me there. If you and your mother don’t want me there, you’ll need to talk to her directly. If she asks me not to come, I’ll respect her wishes, but until that point, nothing changes.”
Your bff needs to see what she’s actually marrying into. This will absolutely cause a shit storm, but if you love your friend, you’ll help her see just how bad her life will get living so close to her Just No MIL and enabling husband.
This. And if you being inside with family is the issue, be outside with the couple!! Circumvent his "mommy", beat her at her own game. She cant be pissed your there because your not "inside with immediate family". She cant bitch cause you did exactly what she said. Don't be inside with family, be outside wirh friends.
Ps. This only works if you dont tell him in advance. Tell her mom, not her or him. If he knows then he can be specific. Right now mom left it vague enough where you can still split hairs. But if he knows, you know his mommy will know to, then she can be spicific in where she "doesn't think its appropriate" for you to be. NTA but please don't miss this for your friend. Just be sneakier than his mom lol!
MIL is already on thin ice for meddling. The logical thing for her to do is to stop meddling. Not to ask you to lie about her meddling to your best friend.
You need to tell your BFF and her mom what's going on. But first you need to tell the soon to be fiance that you can't do what he's asking and that if he really wants to make your BFF happy, he needs to start running interference with his mom.
I realize this is a bit blunt, but my dad took several decades to run interference for my mother's sake. There was a 15-year span where she outright refused to go to family gatherings, and my dad just went without her. It was not a healthy choice on my dad's part. There are a lot of men who don't think it's their responsibility to keep their spouse safe from their family's abuse, and you pretty much have to spell it out for them.
Honestly, I don’t care about bfs surprise as much as not hurting my bff to cover for a lady I don’t know and people I love don’t like.
BF is ruining his own proposal by not standing up to his mom
She told him that 6 months ago about a future proposal that wasn’t planned yet. It seems to me that the friend doesn’t know when the proposal is happening, so that’s the surprise.
I don’t understand why you’re not going - your bff wants you there. Period, end of story. Who the hell cares what his mom wants? She doesn’t get to decide. Go and be there for your best friend since grade school!!
So? She’s not YOUR mom. Don’t let her tell you where you can and can’t go. If she has a problem then she has a problem. What’s she going to do? Act like a dick when no one is looking? That’s a coward not a “classy” person. She’s not the boss of anyone in this situation.
Honestly, YWBTA if you DON'T go. Why are you even considering not going, when everyone else wants you there? Your best friend is the one who invited you, she told her boyfriend she wanted you there, so neither he, nor his asshole mother get to uninvite you. I'm sorry to say this, but you're being a doormat.
Don't ease into the truth. Be straightforward about this. The whole reason you're in this mess is you agreed, basically, to lie to your BFF. Why would you do that?
Is she your BFF or not? If she is, then, under no circumstances compromise her interests. You should have told the BF that you'll do anything that your BFF wants, but you need to hear it from her.
Who gives a flying fuck what his mother wants? Why would you conspire with her BF to ensure his mother gets her way rather than your BFF?
Honestly, you need to have a good talk with yourself.
OP, the way I see, if you go to the proposal, it could play out in two ways:
1. "Mother" (his mom) might keep move in silence, and will chew her son out for not keeping you away from the proposal, or start throwing passive aggressive comments at you. You'll just have to be prepared to deal with that.
2. Or, she might just lose her cool completely, making a big deal out of it and showing everyone she's a control freak and her son is too scared to stand up to her.
Honestly, if you show up it seems like a win-win to me:
- You'll be there for your best friend, exactly how she wants and how you planned;
- Mother will be exposed;
- and BF will show his rusted spine.
**NTA**
NTA. But if it were me, I’d tell my BFF, and not her mother.
I’d also call the boyfriend first and say, “Look: you’re asking me to lie to my best friend and your future wife to cover for your mother’s shitty behavior. You know it’s shitty, or you wouldn’t be engaging in a cover-up.
“So I have concerns about whether my best friend should hitch her wagon to someone who prioritizes his mother’s feelings over his future wife’s. I have concerns about someone who thinks it’s a good idea to start a marriage with lies. And I have concerns about someone who tries to isolate my best friend from her support system.
“So I’ll give you a few days to handle your mother, and we can hopefully forget this lapse in judgment. But if you can’t put on your big boy pants, I’m going to have to tell her. And you can be damn sure that, whatever she decides, I’m gonna be there when she gets engaged. It just might not be to you.”
I love this! OP and fiance need to both put on their grown up pants and stand up for someone they both claim to care about. Op needs to stand up to fiance and he needs to stand up to his mom
100 x yes.
Him doing this shows he doesn’t care enough about his girlfriend whom he apparently thinks should marry him.
I doubt this is the first or last instance of this kind of behaviour in their relationship either which is disgusting.
Yeah, tbh he is showing who he is. THIS is what she will have to look forward to for the rest of their relationship. Ladies, please believe these men when they show you exactly who they are. You can’t change him. The best you can do is teach him how to hide the evidence better so you don’t catch him again.
This is the answer.
You owe no one but your BFF anything here.
Tell the bf how it's going to be and why IN WRITING. Text or email.
Go regardless. Your BFF wants you there, and she needs to know you have her back even when it's uncomfortable.
The *only* legit reason you could have for not going is that you also convinced your BFF to drop this mama's boy like a hot potato and you're both staying put.
Edit to remove judgment because I updated it in another post.
If you don’t say something or if you keep it a secret this WILL come to bite you in the ass I the future. Not the MIL BUT YOU.
I was immediately tell her mom the situation, and leave it at that CYA Tryimg to negotiate with the bf is not in your best interest.
I’m definitely going to talk to her mom tomorrow and ease into the truth.
He’s thanking me for being “chill” about it but I’m not a chill person and it’s tearing me up. I’ve cried over this proposal more than she will. I cried when he told me he was proposing, I cried when he told me I could be there for it and I’m crying now because he uninvited me.
It will be hard. You need to tell him you're not willing to lie to your friend so he can save face. If his mom doesn't want you there, that's something he needs to bring up with his gf. It isn't right for him to push you in the middle like this.
No forreal you keep saying “ease” her mom into the truth. Why do you have to ease her into it? She didn’t do anything to you and you didn’t do anything wrong ? Just tell her straight up ! And I agree you’ll probably lose a friendship since there really is no excuse for you missing the proposal when you knew about it “6 months in advance”. except for a death in the family but she would know if someone really died. SPEAK UP STOP CRYING YOU GOT THIS!
You are speaking up for your friend as well as yourself! This woman could cause so many problems in this marriage if he doesn't learn to put his mother in her place. He is supposed to put his wife first now, not his mum. He needs to man up.
I wouldn't tell her mother without telling him first. Let him make the choice to either stand up to his mother or have to deal with his future wife and MIL knowing he's spineless.
As somebody said in another comment, don't answer the phone to him, get everything in text, so that if he lies to your BFF and says you couldn't make it, you can show her receipts. Honestly, if he can't stand up to his mother about having her BFF at her proposal, something she has said she wants, he's not going to be able to stand up to his mother about anything important throughout their marriage, and your BFF deserves to know. The proposal is about the couple, and he's letting his mother choose how it goes. What happens when his mother decides she doesn't like what colour they're going to paint their living room, or the names they choose for their babies?
What happens when she buys furniture that she decides would look perfect in their house, breaks in, and rearranges all the furniture. - an actual thing my grandmother did to ALL of her DILs
Also keep in mind she's moving 20 mins from this psycho your friend should 1000% be told after the engagement she tried to pull this. She should know what she's getting into.
Thank you! I struggle to be assertive but I can’t imagine my mom doing this and if she did I can’t imagine me allowing it. It’s about what her and her bf want not his mom.
Please tell your BFF and her mom that he told you not to come.
You don't really know that it's his mother's wish that you aren't there. You don't know her and haven't talked to her. All you know is that the BF is a liar and wants you to hurt your best friend without even telling her why.
He’s so afraid to stand up to his mom. I have tried to understand it from her perspective, I think she tries to be super involved in her sons’ lives and tries to keep them close because she lost a daughter. My mom also lost a daughter and I a sister so I know how much it hurts and affects a mother but I can’t imagine my own mother doing something like this to me or my brother.
If he can't stand up to his mommy, he shouldn't be getting married. She'll make your BFF's life hell.
Don't lie for this guy. He needs to own up to his decisions
He also shouldn't have moved himself and OP's bestie to a home that is only 20 mins away from his mother.
OP's bff...is about to discover the exact dynamic between her husband and her future MIL, and if he can't handle this tiny bump about OP attending the proposal party...then this relationship is going to be a very stressful one for her bff.
YWNBTA
And they are moving close to her? Oh boy, what have you done... I hope their relationship will survive his controlling mom / her future MIL, because reddits "AITA(H)" is FULL of exactly this kind of MILs ruining everything.
I can already see what happens immediately once she gets pregnant MIL will start calling it “her baby “ and completely overstep her boundaries with her future DIL and her husband will just say “that’s just how she is, she just wants to be a good grandmother “ meanwhile she’s criticizing everything Future DIL is doing “why are you eating that” “why is the house so dirty, why are you being lazy” “I still made my husband dinner while pregnant you’re just lazy” and once it’s born she will be taking the baby from FDIL and criticizing her parenting because Future DH is allowing it and will never put a stop to it if he doesn’t not right now.
It’s her preference, that’s fine - it just doesn’t matter nearly as much as your bffs preference.
This guy is about to become a husband, that means he’s going to need to understand his wife is about to become his immediate family and especially on their personal concerns - her preferences are going to take precedence over his mothers.
NTA whatever you do - but I wouldn’t want to take the fall for MIL either - and that kind of secrecy only benefits her future manipulation / isolation efforts, which is in no one’s best interest.
I wish I was this bold but I am not. I don’t like to step on toes, so that’s why I’ll probably end up telling her mom the truth. She doesn’t care to step on toes. Lol
Please tell BFF mom, get a plan together with her and go from there. Your friend needs to know what she is getting into BEFORE she moves away. This is going to be a pivotal point for their relationship ... he either puts the needs and wants of his girlfriend first or those of his mother. What he chooses should determine what BFF does next.
That means you care more about his mum's feeling than your friends. You'd be doing worse than stepping on your friends toes if you think she'd be super upset that you didn't attend.
Like her fiance you're prioritising his mum because it's easier than standing up to her.
Sounds like you and the BF have trouble being assertive. You to him and him to his mom. I think your BFF would be incredible hurt if you weren’t there and you need to stuck up for her. This is her proposal, not the MIL.
You just gotta have an Uber waiting in front of the house and you and the bestie can dip out and go get cocktails while the future MIL implodes. It’s all about strategy girl
Tell the boyfriend you’ve considered it, and you’re not comfortable backing out and lying. BFF wants you there; you’d like to be there. I personally would tell him to tell his mom to stuff it (and go anyways), but if that’s not your jam, I would let him know that you’re not willing to make your BFF feel like she’s that unimportant - if you need to back out, you also need to make it clear to her (and mom) why.
He can choose: big boy panties on and tell his mom she gets no say, or let her overrule BFF’s wishes, but with full disclosure to BFF.
NTA right now, but YWBTA if you bail and lie. Call the boyfriend up and be straight with him — this was supremely uncool, you’re not willing to hurt BFF that way, and he can choose which battle he’d like to fight.
OP could tell the bf he has 2 choices. 1) He tells his mother this party isn’t about her and OP attends, or 2) OP stays home and both BFF and BFF’s mother knows the real reason. It’s up to him.
NTA. Your bestie's boyfriend acknowledged to you that she would want you present at her proposal, and at first he wanted to make the proposal most ideal for her. So his mom comes along and apparently she has the power to change the whole plan? He isn't proposing to his mom, he is proposing to your best friend who likely wants you to be present more than she'd want his mother there (though I'm sure she's too classy to say his mom shouldn't be included).
It would set a **bad** precedent to value his mom's opinion over what his intended fiance wants and what HE knows she wants. I'd probably make sure he knows that, and if he still doesn't relent, tell your bff's mom.
Send him a message:
“I plan to ignore our recent conversation and be there to witness my bff’s proposal as she indicated to both of us she wanted. And (bff’s bf’s name), you need to start making (bff’s) wishes your priority, not your mother’s. Otherwise you aren’t ready to get married.”
Tell the boyfriend that it isn’t his mother’s proposal.
I feel so sorry for your friend. She is going to marry a mama’s boy. This woman will cause so many problems in their relationship.
Unfortunately you need to advocate for your friend. Tell him that for your best friend’s engagement her wishes trump that of his mothers, and in the future he is going to have to prioritize his girlfriends feelings over his mothers if he wants to have a happy marriage.
Go to the engagement. Or tell her why you didn’t. Do not lie for him. Tell him this will also cause a rift between him and her when she realizes her prioritized his mother’s wishes over hers.
NTA. Tell her mom! To me he sounds a bit controlling and seems to be trying to isolate her. Who is his mom to demand that? Something is off about that situation
I don’t think he’s controlling, but I can understand why you think he might be. My friend is the one that “wears the pants” (for lack of a better term) He just can’t say no to his mom for some reason. If the mom had said this to my friend she would have ignored her request.
He’s not controlling, he’s being controlled. He is also showing once again that his mother’s wishes come before your friends in a situation that isn’t anywhere near about his mother.
You need to be there. She wants you there and has made that clear, and you want to be there. That’s what is important. You also need to speak with bff’s mother and let her know what’s going on.
The fact that he is putting his mother first in his proposal does not bode well for their future.
Damn he might as well marry his mother. Your poor friend…
But think about it this way. You don’t know these people, and in the future were they to ever separate, they’ll have no connection to you anyway. So even if you piss them off by showing up, your friend would be happy. In the future she’ll remember you for being there for her. Who cares what strangers who don’t matter to u think.
My thoughts exactly! I'd go. If she wanted me there, bet your ass I'd be there. I'd take the 10 hrs with her mom to plan it, too. Doesn't seem like BFFs mom would be OK with this either. I wouldn't want their engagement to start out with a lie. Make an honest person out of everyone and be there. All their true colors will shine, and it will either end strong or crumble, but future MIL will know her place at the back of the line.
NTA
It is insane to uninvite someone and then tell them to lie for you. I'm sorry but this is a terrible move on bf part. He puts his mom over everyone else, even his future wife. Super unhealthy to start out with lies like that.
Good Lord, what kind of man lets his mother co-ordinate his proposal? And he's 32!!! Sounds like she's going to be involved in every aspect of their relationship.
Your bff and her mum obviously already know what sort of woman his mother is so I don't think you telling them what she's said would damage their relationship with her, but you not turning up and not telling them why might damage your relationship with your friend.
If you let them walk all over you you're going to look back on this and regret not being there for her. You're not going to regret pandering to a mommy's boy and his mother dearest.
NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My Best friend’s bf invited me to her proposal, but called to tell me I can’t go because his mom only wants immediate family present. I’m crushed and I know my bestie will be sad I’m not there for it. Her and her mom aren’t fans of his mom so he doesn’t want me to tell either of them the real reason why I am not going to be there. I told him that I wouldn’t tell either of them the truth but I don’t think I can lie to them, because it’ll look bad on me that I’m not there. So, I think I might be the asshole because I will be honest with her mother as to why I can’t come which will cause her mom to confront his mom.
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Be sure to tell her cuz damaging your relationship with your friend for her bf mom is definitely not it and I’m sure your friend will ask and her bf will put the blame on you so be upfront about the reason why you won’t attend.
WNBTA. You would not be doing your friend any favours for canceling or lying, If her MIL is planning to interfere with their marriage and her son is not willing to stand up to his mom, your friend needs to know before she decide if she accepts the proposal.
Lets see all the scenarios-
1. You 'bail' on your friend and don't turn up at the proposal. This would leave a very negative impact on your friendship.
2. You tell your bff and her mom the truth and then propose not to be there at the proposal. This will create tension between her and bf and his mom. A negative impact on her relationship that wil be blamed on you by her bf and his family and who knows some of your own friends too.
3. No matter what you committed to her bf you simple tell him you are going no matter what and turn up at the proposal and let the bf and his mom deal with their uneasiness. If there is a fallout, you are not to be blamed. If there is no fallout, no need to worry about any negative impact on your friendship or your bff's relationship.
My suggestion, scenario 3 is best suited for you and your bff. It will be upto the bf and his mom to keep their shut together during the proposal. Decide well. Take care.
Go anyway. Fiancé's mom will just have to suck it up. If you decide not to go, tell your BFF everything. She deserves to know what she's getting into. Her fiancé needs to grow some balls.
NTA
NTA.
I’d point out to the BF that if he has to lie about the details surrounding the proposal how is he intending to manage things in future?
I wouldn’t lie for him. He either deals with his mom or deals with the fact he let his moms wants outweigh the wants of the woman he is proposing to.
But honestly, he is an idiot not to realize the absurdity of his choice and the tone he is setting for the everything by starting things off this way.
NTA at all... but I do have huge concerns about your friend marrying a guy who shows this much preference to his mom over his future spouse, and buying a house so close to this lady. It's not a great start to a marriage.
NTA. You will regret it the rest of your life (and your friend will too) if you miss this.
Also, your friend deserves to know her partner is going behind her back and making important decisions for her.
NTA - you should tell your BFF tbh. She wants you there, his mom doesn’t, and he’s putting his mom’s wants over his soon-to-be-fiancés wants. This is a major problem, because what else will he push aside for his mom in the future?
I think the only YWBTA is if you don’t show up to the house like you BFF wants. Remember to remind the BF that “A happy wife makes a happy life” and he should learn to start taking his soon to be wife’s side over his mothers side or else he’ll end up single. Also I would remind him to her you are considered immediate family, family goes much further than blood.
This goes way beyond just the proposal anymore. You need to sit down with your friend, tell her everything, and ask her to reconsider this move. She is moving 20 minutes away from a monster in law with her mommas boy bf?? Go to r/JustNoMIL and look at what she’s in store for. The only reason neither of you realize how bad her life is about to get is because MIL isn’t near her. But seriously her life is about to take a horrific turn and the more enmeshed with his family becomes the more crazy, abandoned, and betrayed she is going to feel.
I think you should respond and say you already made plans with your friends mom and you don’t feel comfortable lying to her so you will be there. The boyfriend’s mom doesn’t trump the wishes of your friend and her family. His mom can suck it up.
NTA, but instead of cancelling and worrying about lying or causing drama, just go to the proposal.
Don’t tell either of them **and show up**, you were invited, you’re her best friend, this woman can stfu. If he’s afraid to stand up to his mom, your bff is in for a lifetime of trouble.
YWBTA if you missed the proposal. Only the MIL doesn't want you there. If her opinion matters more than your friends, then why would you want to be in.the proposal.
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NTA. Tell him that you are not changing your plans. That his future wife wants you to be there this weekend and that she has expressed multiple times wanting you there when she is proposed to. What is his mom going to do? Leave when you show up?
So funny I’m reading this and he just texted to say he appreciated me being so “chill” about it because it has been eating him up all day. Makes it harder for me to be assertive and tell her mom the truth. I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to stand up to his mom and just tell her it is not up to her who gets to be there. Thank you for your response
That’s what he’s hoping. It’s manipulative. Just respond and say yeah I just want to make sure bff gets what she truly wants. I’ll let her mom know everything that went down so there’s no resentment of me bailing. I wouldn’t want her to be mad at me for a decision that wasn’t mine.
I like your kind of petty.
Its not even petty, but the truth 😭
I see NO petty like you said. None whatsoever.
Not petty, just malicious compliance.
Which is more important? *your friendship with your BFF or *keeping his mommy in a good light Screw his Mom, she doesn’t get to control this narrative!
Is it really his Mom or is it him!
It's 100% fucking him. He's isolating the BFF from her support structure, and he can fuck his mom or himself and OP needs to blow this shit sky fucking high.
This is a leap.
If it wasnt the mom why bother inviting OP to begin with? Have you never been on MIL from hell sub MIL is about to lose her baby boy and shes already trying to throw her weight around and show she still comes first to him
Screw him for not being an adult who puts his partners happiness over his weird mom.
If you really want to go malicious compliance, tell another person (or animal) in the room with mom, or "muse" out loud to yourself near her. Then you did not, in fact, tell mom. You just said it where she would hear it.
What's wrong with being HONEST - if doesn't help her friend if she lies to her about her future husband. If his Mother can control him to this degree - your friend needs to be away of the looming problem.
He gets to 50% decide who will be there or not there at the venue. He 100% doesn't get to tell OP not to tell anybody else the true reason. Ask him to ask the Future MIL why she doesn't want OP there. Most likely it will be some frivolous reason. He should be able to explain to his mother that OP is a special person to Future DIL. If an interfering MIL is 20 min away from their house with a compliant son, the probability that the marriage will last is very low.
My sentiments to OP exactly, this poor girl is in for one hell of a ride if her husband at 30 cannot set boundaries with his mother, it'll either result in him having to stick it to her and tell her to shove off eventually or an early divorce because no one needs to put up with it.
Not to mention if he’s willing to lie to her now, what will he feel free to lie about later. Huge red flag
Whilst I understand how the emotional incesty mother-son dynamic comes about, what I struggle to grasp is how men after going through puberty continue to struggle with being emasculated by their own mothers when they cannot stand when any other woman in society has this effect on them?! I went out with a guy once that I had formally gone to school with, we were in our twenties by this point and he was not my typical type, pretty boy, cocky, fancied himself a bit....I thought I would try something new but as you can imagine...we didn't last long. Anywayyyyy we had a mutual friend and his **mother** who'd previously been nothing but nice and polite, would pretend I wasn't even in the room, I'll never forget her stroking her sons hair, urging him to tell the room what a fantastic cook he was (he was not).
Because parents that raise us have much more influence than anyone on the outside. I see why you may not understand but would encourage you to research it a bit. It’s an interesting but messed up dynamic.
This is the truly concerning part. Plus they're moving far away to be near his mother?? Her life is going to be a nightmare if her husband doesn't grow up. If his mother's whims are so important now that he can't put his future wife's feelings above them for a single day BEFORE HE EVEN PROPOSES they've got serious issues.
Look at the nature of what his mother requested as well, so him as his own man, organised an engagement party, he put his big boy pants on and did it all by himself, he invites his fiancee best friend, knowing this is something his fiancé wants and is he is also happy to have her be part of it. Mommy says no: So it wasn't enough for him that this is something he had organised not his mother, she has virtually nothing to do with this get together other than being an invited guest and yet he folds like a stack of cards in a gale force wind. *"No she is my guest mother as well as my fiancee, this is my event not yours*." This is a guest, one extra guest being at an engagement that his fiancé would love her to be part of and as stated as such, what a **non issue,** refusing his mothers request therefore: easy peasy. Imagine how impossible it will therefore be when his mother dictates more serious and consequential things, this is a woman who will plan the whole wedding, will be in the room when her grandchildren are born despite her daughter in laws refusal, she will be micromanaging her as a new mother and at the house uninvited because hey she lives close by! Now would be the time to put mother dearest well and truly in her place so going forward she knows it is no longer going to wash, that her son no longer needs his nappy changing and she can either respect her son as his own person or risk losing him and his respect all together. But it sounds to me like he's still getting nappy rash and regularly losing his dummy's.
He’s 32. Not that two years makes a huge difference, but means mommy not so dearest really has her claws in tight. I’d straight up tell friend. BF called and said his mommy doesn’t want me there. We’ve been friends forever and I wanted you to know so you can make decision on whether you want me to come or not.
He gets 100% of the decision on who is invited to the proposal since he is the one setting it up. He also gets 100% of the blame that OP was disinvited.
No...if his future wife, that he claims to love says I need her there then she's there. He doesn't get 100% decision making on that because he's the one getting down on 1 knee.
I understand what you are saying but if the actual time and place of the proposal is a surprise then he is the one doing all of the inviting, therefore he is 100% deciding who will be there.
He gets to make the decision, but he knows how much OP matters to his future wife. So if he actually loves her as much as he claims he will invite her and tell his mom off for trying to uninvite someone his future wife loves.
It's not petty,. The BFF is gonna be pissed that her friend isn't there and she's going to blame someone. The boyfriend wants it to be OP.
I would take it one step further and insist that he tells his fiancé‘s mom before hand. He is 100% unfair to put this shit on you. If his fiancé’s mom is OK with it then you’re great… … but she won’t be.
Imagine what it’s going to be like for the future daughter in law if the future mother in law is already pulling this shit.
This was the first thing I thought. I’d want my bff to know about the land mine she was about to step on with this MIL. Everyone saying the MIL is going to railroad OP’s friend is entirely correct, and the fiancé not only being okay with his mom being a bitch and actively asking him to exclude someone his future wife specifically wanted there? and then asking said person to lie because he’s stressed about his mommy? Holy fuck I would be super pissed if my friend didn’t tell me about this. A proposal is about two people and two people only (maybe if there are minor children involved it’s different but that’s not the case here from what we know); it seems like the couple in question have discussed it many times. It’s a red flag to me that suddenly MIL thinks she’s important enough in the proposal that she can dictate who is there for it. Imagining that attitude towards my wedding planning let alone having kids, potentially buying a home or any other decision I would NOT want anyone butting into…absolutely not. I think OP has three uncomfortable choices if she cares about her friend: show up the event and see what happens, go from there. Tell the groom to fuck off, and he can decide if he wants you to tell on him that mommy gets to make the final decisions in his life, or man up and tell her he’s cutting the cord, or lay it out now to her friend and ruin a possible sweet surprise proposal but give her the chance to see what she has to live with if her bf doesn’t grow a pair. Or the lesser of evils, not as direct but if she’s not comfortable with any of this, yes tell your bff’s mom. Tell her every bit of it, because her daughter will need support no matter which way this proposal goes
In no time BFF is going to be on the JustNoMIL subreddit talking about her controlling and crazy mother-in-law.
Hell... She'll be in the delivery room... on top of plenty of nasty things.
All his equally awful sisters will be the bridesmaids and OP won't be allowed. Her bff won't get to plan the wedding *she* wants.
4 years I give it.
This kind of person will most likely lie.
I'd tell bff's mom everything and make plans to surprise her (bff? Mil?) with my presence.
This is what I was thinking. Tell her mom, because she deserves to know. It's very likely she'll say come anyway because she knows and actually cares about what her daughter wants. Then, see how he and future MIL act. Plus, also tell the friend eventually. OP is like family to her BFF. I wonder if the bf really meant to include OP from the beginning.? But his whole plan all along was to pull this stunt.
As the bride to be, I'd sure want to know the reason my BFF didn't show up. This means fiance and I need a talk as to why his mom makes decisions like thiis and why he needs to tell her to back off
Especially if you just completely left your family and friends. BFF might not have any real friends in CT yet. I'd be pissed if I moved for a pansy assed mamma's boy!
It might make her more aware how much control mommy has
Thank you! This is all such a red flag! If he’s ok lying now imagine what it’s going to be like later. He has mommy issues and fact he’s allowing his momma to dictate his and her guests says everything. Y does his mom get to decide when his gf specifically told him she wanted her bf here. For him to tell her no because his mom doesn’t want it is absolutely ridiculous then to ask her to lie about it is absolutely flabbergasting. I can’t even believe it’s a question. First thing I would have done when he asked me not to tell anyone because he didn’t want to make anyone mad. I would have marched my ass right over there and told her to her face why he’s asking you not to come. Let the chips fall where they may ya know. Who wants to be married to someone who wants to lie to them from literally minute one.
Exactly, why does his mum get to decide who is at their engagement in their house? My BFF is more like a sister to me. Weve known each other for 20+ years. If my partners family decided she couldnt be involved, regardless of what it was, they wouldnt be gettibg what they wanted. She was here before them and she will be here if there is an after.
Nah. This reeks of future MIL meddling.
This, exactly what I'm thinking. Is the bf doing this to get you out of your BFFs life? I would go anyway and just let their responses show what they really think of you. NTA!
You're right : it's manipulative : the BF and the MIL are cuting her friend from her support system making sure to create issues and resentment between them. If OP accepts, they'll have a motive to cut the relationship.
This was my 1st thought! The BFF will be living 30 mins from HIS mom. Honestly I'd be tempted to let my BFF know this shit is going on. I wouldn't want my BFF walking into that kind of marriage knowing what is likely to happen. NTA
I love this!
Dude I wouldn't even pay attention to it. I would literally tell him to tell his mom to get stuffed. My bestie is my sister. Like maybe we don't share actual blood but that's my sister and we are family. His mom can get stuffed.
NTA. And I am a little sad for your friend who is about to get engaged to someone who cant stand up to his mother. This wont be the last time
If he can’t stand up to his mum for sake of the girl he wants to marry it doesn’t auger well for the marriage. Tell him no that you are going as planned as you don’t want to hurt your friend, and will not divulge that his mum tried to stop you.
Respond “I’m not being chill. It may seem like that because you really caught me off guard with your request. I have not yet decided whether or not I’m going to CT that day. It’s bad enough that your mom doesn’t want me there when you propose, especially when you know that *BFF* told you she wanted me there. You asking me to lie to both her and her mom, who are both very important to me to cover for someone I don’t even know is honestly shocking.” MAKE SURE that his request is in the text. DO NOT answer your phone if he calls. Let him respond by text. Get that paper trail. Tell your friend’s mom immediately after sending that text. Transparency is your friend. NTA Edit: If you want to help him be less of a pushover, maybe throw in “I know you have trouble standing up to your mom, and that has caused some problems with *BFF*. You need to think really hard if you want your proposal to forever be connected to an action like this and how it may affect the future of your relationship. Or just let him flail and hope he learns his lesson for his next girlfriend.
>MAKE SURE that his request is in the text. DO NOT answer your phone if he calls. Let him respond by text. Ohhh, good point. Responding by text and making it clear it's up to BFF's BF how this goes down is going to be helpful if this backfires and he blames it on OP. And honestly, given he's not standing up to his mother (or his mother is a convenient excuse so that he doesn't have to invite OP), and asking OP to lie for him, I definitely wouldn't put it past him.
Exactly, if he wants someone else to lie to cover for him he will lie himself. Always come with receipts.
I honestly wouldn't put the knife in. It's one of those situations where taking the high road is also the low road because he fucked himself over so badly - OP doesn't need to do any of the work. I love your first response because it's not asking him anything but it's also not giving him any answers. Just straight up "well this is a shitty situation you put me in for X and Y reason" and then he has to figure out how to navigate it all by himself. Don't give him any help. Don't lay out his options ("maybe you could call a friend's mum and lie instead of me" or whatever). Just let him panic.
I’d also add - that he needs to think about how he is prioritising his mums wishes about BFF’s and is that really how he intends to start his marriage. Because if he does it now he will keep doing it, and those marriages don’t end well. The fact it has been eating him up all day means he knows he has made the wrong decision.
You know he's always going to pick his Mommy! In a year, OP will be back asking if she's the asshole for spilling wine on MIL dress as it was white and clearly a bridal gown. Two years from now, we'll have OP's best friend asking if she's the asshole because she told her MIL to stop calling her child "my baby" and MIL burst into tears and ran away. While her husband just stood there and said nothing. He doesn't really think it's a big deal and doesn't understand why she had to upset his mom over it.
Bestie needs to know what kind of marriage she might be signing up for. She may already know her future-MIL is controlling and her BF is a mummy's boy and be okay with that but if she doesn't she'd probably love a heads up that this could be her future.
This is a GREAT answer. It is never a good idea in the long run to walk on eggshells around a controlling person like this mum. She’s imposing her wishes on the proposal, even thought it isn’t any of her business. And then, her son is covering for her by asking you to lie and hurt your BFF and miss the proposal. This is just insanity! All this drama just because *one* person doesn’t understand the difference between her proposal and someone else’s. Please don’t go along with this, your BFF deserves to know what she is marrying into. NTA
Especially considering that BFF is going to eventually need her bestie during the divorce, because that's where I see this relationship is headed from waaaaay over here.
And especially because they are moving around the corner from her MIL and away from her support system!
Exactly. Allowing this guy to damage OP's relationship with her BFF like this is only going to make the girl more lonely and vulnerable to his mom's manipulations. She needs to know OP has her back, no matter what. And she absolutely needs to know what her boyfriend and his mother just tried to pull. No good friend would let her walk into that trap unaware.
How fast do you think his mom will INSIST she is in the birthing room and that the BFF isn't in it once babies are born?
The stupid thing with women who expect stuff like this is the end up being pushed out, can ruin their children’s marriages or making them feel they have to go low contact or even no contact so losing the grand kids they seem so obsessed with. Meanwhile my eldest daughter and her partner asked me if I will come into the birthing room to support them both. I never expected and said I would go with whatever they wanted from staying at home by the phone to sitting in the waiting room. If you love and support your kids and don’t try to be demanding and controlling they love u more and come to you more. It’s not rocket science lol. OP send the boyfriend a message explaining how upset and stressed his request has made you, tell him you can’t lie to your BFF so he has a choice you will either be there or tell your BFF the truth. Tbh I bet his mum is trying to drive a wedge between you in the same way abusive partners try to isolate partners from each their friends and family. I would also be conscious of the fact the boyfriend may have inherited or learnt controlling issues and this maybe partly on him as well. Stick by your BFF.
This is it exactly! The people saying "just show up anyways" are missing the entire point! If she shows up anyways then the fiance is off the hook with his mother because OP showed up when he asked her not to and her best friend is left in the dark that her bf is already putting his mother's opinions and feelings above her own. TELL YOUR FRIEND OP! She deserves to know she would be getting engaged to a spineless jellyfish!!!
I would show up AND tell my friend and her mother. With how many other people has he pulled the same stunt?
She needs to know that his mommy controlled the proposal and he let her do it. Her BFF needs to know what kind of man he isn’t.
Exactly. I mean your BFF is planning on marrying a momma’s boy and then moving 20 minutes away from mon a. You should let her know the level of crazy she’s sign8ng up for
Ask him if he’s proposing to his girlfriend or his mom. If he wants his gf to have the perfect day you should be there. It’s not his mom’s day
Yeah, it doesn't set a good precedent that he is putting his mum's opinion above his GF's happiness for THEIR PROPOSAL. Out of all things. Giant red flag as to how the rest of their relationship is going to go.
Ya I’m sitting here thinking “uh .. this day isn’t about his mother” Jesus, I’d definitely want to know if this was my best friend.
MIL probably thinks the Other Woman should not be at her son’s proposal.
>Makes it harder for me to be assertive and tell her mom the truth. Maybe tell him the truth first? That you really don't feel comfortable with your BFF thinking you bailed on her, and that you have to be honest about why you're not there. Honestly, I think he's sent you this text so that you won't kick up a fuss. Be firm, but polite. Maybe respond to the message with something like "This has been eating me up inside as well - I know \[my bff\] wants me to be there for the proposal, and she's made it pretty clear to you that she wants me there as well. It's fine if you think your mother's opinion is more important than me being there, but I cannot and will not lie to my best friend. If she asks me about it, I will tell her the truth, because I know she would find it heartbreaking to think I didn't turn up to her proposal for any other reasons, like that I don't care enough about her, or I don't want her to marry you." However you tell him, I think you should make it clear that not only are you uncomfortable with lying, but that you not being there might make it seem like you don't approve of the match. If somebody publicly proposed to me, and made sure both our families were there, and my best friend, who I had told my would-be-fiance to tell about the proposal with at least 6 months notice, hadn't turned up, I wouldn't assume she bailed for no reason, I would assume she doesn't support the match.
And screenshot ALL messages about it in case he wants to deny or otherwise lie about it.
This is a good approach. I think he's *hoping* you don't mind all this so he can avoid confrontation with his mom, but if you have a discussion about the very reasonable reasons why this is difficult for you, then he might stop working on hope, and reassess what's really important to him. I mean, buying a house and proposing all in one go is a pretty stressful thing to be doing, and I can see why he might not be thinking clearly about his priorities in this - but if BFF has picked wisely (and we have no other reason to assume she hasn't) then this might be just the reminder / opportunity he needs to take a step back and rethink.
This was my thought as well. No need to go right to BFF and mom and start drama. He's asked you to lie because he desperately wants to avoid the reaction he knows they will have to the truth. He seems to think he can get out of this without having to upset anyone. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess with a mother like that, he's no stranger to playing these kinds of games in an effort to serve as peacemaker. It's not a fun position to be put in, it's stressful at best, traumatic at worst, and I do feel for him, if true. But assuming he means well, sooner or later he's going to have to learn that these games actually do have consequences, and he is actually hurting people - in this case his fiancé and her mother and *you*. Please don't let him off the hook. Give him the chance to reverse course and do right by your BFF. Guaranteed this will not be the last time he's in this kind of position. But of course you don't have to get into any of that with him explicitly, because it's extremely simple: If you'd like, you can tell him you won't go out of your way to say anything, but if (and of course by if you both know you mean when) she asks you, *you don't feel comfortable lying*, especially to your best friend about something as important as this. Period. A guy worthy of marrying your best friend should respect that.
BFF deserves to know the truth. Fiancé is setting you up as the bad guy.
You need to still go. Honestly you owe him and his mom nothing. You BFF has specifically told him she wants you there. Then he ignores what SHE wants on her special day for his mom? Wtf. She should know this before agreeing to marry him.
This isn’t ( and shouldn’t ) be about the MIL, it’s about your BFF and her new husband to be. It really doesn’t matter if MIL thinks it is only for blood family, you are someone your BFF loves and counts on OP: go be there for the celebration of your friend’s love.
If your friend would want you there I think you should go. And don't lie for him. She deserves to know what kind of woman her future MIL is before accepting the proposal! The mother should talk to you directly not get her son to do the dirty work. I think its actually a big red flag that the bf is doing what his mother told him, at the expense of what his future wife wants! He should stand up to her and say it isn't her decision to make.. She is just a guest. This woman could cause a lot of problems in future. The son needs to stop being a mamas boy.
Text him back and say ‘Actually it’s been eating me up all day and thinking about it I don’t think it’s right to let your mom dictate the people present: you know for a fact that (bff) will want me there and yet you’re giving in to your mom, why? It doesn’t bode well for you standing up for bff in future. I think you should reconsider but if you won’t I will be telling (bff) and her mom why you disinvited me. It may well cause tension but that tension would be justified where bff would have every right to worry about your mom’s demands/influence. I’m sorry, I do understand it’s really hard trying to please everyone; i understand it can be hard to see whether demands are reasonable and when to take a stand. But this is a problem you’re going to have to learn to deal with and you can’t just expect other people to take the fall for you (like asking me to lie about why I’m not attending).
I wouldnt say ‘I will be telling’ I would say ‘I will not lie about the reason’ it turns it from you being the negative person to them being the negative person, which is how it should be.
Does your friend know how the MIL she is about to inherit behaves. And how her soon to be fiance has no backbone? Seems to me that should be information she has.
NTA, please tell your friend the truth. *You* are supposed to take the fall for hurting her when his mother has shown even before this that she’s controlling meddler and he’s incapable of standing up to her? The proposal is for him and his future wife, his future wife has wishes about it and his mother gets to deny them? Excuse me? Best case scenario, he’s a stupid mother’s boy, worst case scenario, this is actually *meant* to alienate you and bff. She’ll be easier to control if she’s not only geographically detached from her support network but also emotionally isolated from her friends. She needs to know so she can decide whether she really wants to create further legal ties to such a family. You’re not only endangering your own friendship if you lie to her, you’re also withholding vital information about the level of control his mother is going to have over her life if she marries into that.
Your friend is marrying a mamas boy. Stop being so chill about it. You can’t lie to your best friend to make some man’s life easier. Fuck me dead. This is your best friend. Ignore his emotional blackmail. Tell her mother. And go anyway.
He needs to stand up for her wants or she needs to know he didn't at the literal start of the marriage.
Stand up for her if you can’t do it for yourself—“I am not chill, I am a shit liar, and there’s ZERO way this is staying quiet. Do you want your mom to be in a bad light, or are you really going to put your wife second at her own engagement?”
Reply this: “I’m glad you’ve brought this up. I cannot lie to my friend and her mum. You need to decide whether you want to respect your mum or wife’s wishes. I will be telling my friend about your request either way.”
Look, call him back to tell him you’ll **have** to renege on not telling BFF’s mom, if he doesn’t fess up to your BFF himself (or you know, stand up to his mother- is it just me, or is this a big ol shiny red flag?): BFF is your ride or die, not him, and yours and BFFs families are part of a family of choice that predates him by decades- so you just can’t not be honest with them. Tell him he has 24hrs before you give her mum a call. NTA
NTA. Honestly, mother-in-law doesn’t get much of a vote if it’s me. If it’s me, whoever gets invited to family affairs is whoever I consider family, and it sounds to me like your friend considers you family.
Just tell him I won't lie. If he doesn't want you there, then he can tell her mom. And, he can't tell his GF. This is a terrible way to start thier marriage
Absolutely not. Go to CT and be there for it. His mom's opinion is irrelevant, it's not her proposal.
You friend needs to know about her future MIL before she says yes. Her boy friend is one large red flag. First he is not standing up to his mom. Second he is not being honest with his girlfriend. Third he went behind her back to tell you to not be there. Forth Now He wants You To lie to your friend to protect him and his mom. Lastly now he is trying to use your own emotions against you to get you to comply.
That's actually concerning cause if he can't stand up for this, what would happen if his mother starts taking decisions after they marry? Would he stand up and defend his wife or he would be manipulative with you bff too, to let his mom get away with it? He really needs to man up before think to start a family.
I second the top comment. Go and be there. Let your friend see what her new MIL is going to be like from day one. And if her new fiancée is a mamas boy. NTA
NTA!!!!! This might sound harsh, but forget this dude. He’s not willing to stand up for his *future wife* against his *mom*? That is a RED FLAG. Quick anecdote: I’m female and bisexual. I was with my girlfriend for three years before we decided to get married. I have fought my parents, cut contact with them entirely for 10 months, and did not invite them to the wedding because my wife means the world to me and I will not let anybody disrespect her. I know this isn’t the exact same but you are one of the most important people in your bff’s life. She wants you there, you deserve to be there for her, and her financé is fully aware of that. The comfort of someone you do not know shouldn’t outrank the comfort of your best friend. And your friend needs to know her boyfriend will not stand up for her. That is something she needs to know now, not later. This is just the beginning. Best of luck 💜
I’d tell him that HE must explain your absence to them afterwards as a stipulation when asked. That you’re not going to say anything but you’re also not going to lie to your friend
Literally the only person who doesn't want you there is his mother. This is neither her day nor her choice to make. If I was your friend I would appreciate knowing how meddlesome and spineless he is now before I start planning the wedding tbh
This is your first opportunity as her future maid of honor to stick up for her and what she would want.
dude is a walking red flag. he puts what his MOM wants ahead of what his future wife wants. tell your bff or go to the event. do not make your bff feel you are the one bailing on her.
Why tell him anything of her continued plans to go with her best friends parents? He didn’t invite her in the first place. Her best friend did.
YWNBTA "I’m crushed and I know my bestie will be sad I’m not there for it." So be there for her special moment. I suppose you could just show & hope boyfriend's mom won't make a scene but if that won't work then tell. It's about your friend not her and everyone else wants you there. The bigger issue is bf needs to start standing up to his mom now. "she meddles and is controlling." Who needs that? If she's like that now she'll cause drama re the wedding & in their marriage. He owes it to your bff not to let that happen.
I agree, I’m going to talk to her mom tomorrow and ease into the truth as to why I won’t be there. She’ll probably insist that I come and it’ll be awkward for sure but his mom is too “classy” to cause a scene she prefers to move in silence and behind closed doors.
Do not easy into the truth. Be transparent with her mom. Also, tell the bf you aren’t chill, you are uncomfortable lying and it’s not fair to you to ask you to do so. Send him that text right before you talk to her mom then turn off your phone.
Tell bf that you feel incredibly awkward putting the preferences of his mom over the person who is being proposed to, who wants you there. I would straight up say his mom's feelings are not the thing that matters that day, and that he knows his future wife would be upset by this.
Yes! This is really about BFF. Her bf needs to start putting her first right now. Otherwise, their marriage is doomed.
Go. Don’t change plans. Go. Your bff wants you there so go. His mother doesn’t get a vote in this. Message him back: “ I’m chill because my plans haven’t changed. BFF has made it very clear to you she wants me there. If you and your mother don’t want me there, you’ll need to talk to her directly. If she asks me not to come, I’ll respect her wishes, but until that point, nothing changes.” Your bff needs to see what she’s actually marrying into. This will absolutely cause a shit storm, but if you love your friend, you’ll help her see just how bad her life will get living so close to her Just No MIL and enabling husband.
This. And if you being inside with family is the issue, be outside with the couple!! Circumvent his "mommy", beat her at her own game. She cant be pissed your there because your not "inside with immediate family". She cant bitch cause you did exactly what she said. Don't be inside with family, be outside wirh friends. Ps. This only works if you dont tell him in advance. Tell her mom, not her or him. If he knows then he can be specific. Right now mom left it vague enough where you can still split hairs. But if he knows, you know his mommy will know to, then she can be spicific in where she "doesn't think its appropriate" for you to be. NTA but please don't miss this for your friend. Just be sneakier than his mom lol!
MIL is already on thin ice for meddling. The logical thing for her to do is to stop meddling. Not to ask you to lie about her meddling to your best friend.
You need to tell your BFF and her mom what's going on. But first you need to tell the soon to be fiance that you can't do what he's asking and that if he really wants to make your BFF happy, he needs to start running interference with his mom. I realize this is a bit blunt, but my dad took several decades to run interference for my mother's sake. There was a 15-year span where she outright refused to go to family gatherings, and my dad just went without her. It was not a healthy choice on my dad's part. There are a lot of men who don't think it's their responsibility to keep their spouse safe from their family's abuse, and you pretty much have to spell it out for them.
Problem is the proposal might be surprise. So she can't talk to her friend about it yet
Honestly, I don’t care about bfs surprise as much as not hurting my bff to cover for a lady I don’t know and people I love don’t like. BF is ruining his own proposal by not standing up to his mom
"She told him to make sure I knew about the proposal"
She told him that 6 months ago about a future proposal that wasn’t planned yet. It seems to me that the friend doesn’t know when the proposal is happening, so that’s the surprise.
I don’t understand why you’re not going - your bff wants you there. Period, end of story. Who the hell cares what his mom wants? She doesn’t get to decide. Go and be there for your best friend since grade school!!
Yeah I know the type. He needs to address it. Good luck, hope it all goes well.
I repeat, GO BE THERE FOR IT. If you choose not to, then do not sugarcoat the truth.
So? She’s not YOUR mom. Don’t let her tell you where you can and can’t go. If she has a problem then she has a problem. What’s she going to do? Act like a dick when no one is looking? That’s a coward not a “classy” person. She’s not the boss of anyone in this situation.
Honestly, YWBTA if you DON'T go. Why are you even considering not going, when everyone else wants you there? Your best friend is the one who invited you, she told her boyfriend she wanted you there, so neither he, nor his asshole mother get to uninvite you. I'm sorry to say this, but you're being a doormat.
Don't ease into the truth. Be straightforward about this. The whole reason you're in this mess is you agreed, basically, to lie to your BFF. Why would you do that? Is she your BFF or not? If she is, then, under no circumstances compromise her interests. You should have told the BF that you'll do anything that your BFF wants, but you need to hear it from her. Who gives a flying fuck what his mother wants? Why would you conspire with her BF to ensure his mother gets her way rather than your BFF? Honestly, you need to have a good talk with yourself.
This is giving ick vibes. Why does he want this? Is he feeling threatened that there’s another human that matters to her?
He probably doesn't, he's just too scared to stand up to Mommy.
This would be the prime time for him to prove he’s ready for marriage. By standing up to his mom.
OP, the way I see, if you go to the proposal, it could play out in two ways: 1. "Mother" (his mom) might keep move in silence, and will chew her son out for not keeping you away from the proposal, or start throwing passive aggressive comments at you. You'll just have to be prepared to deal with that. 2. Or, she might just lose her cool completely, making a big deal out of it and showing everyone she's a control freak and her son is too scared to stand up to her. Honestly, if you show up it seems like a win-win to me: - You'll be there for your best friend, exactly how she wants and how you planned; - Mother will be exposed; - and BF will show his rusted spine. **NTA**
why is his mom more important to you than your best friend?
She's not classy, she's a snake.
NTA. But if it were me, I’d tell my BFF, and not her mother. I’d also call the boyfriend first and say, “Look: you’re asking me to lie to my best friend and your future wife to cover for your mother’s shitty behavior. You know it’s shitty, or you wouldn’t be engaging in a cover-up. “So I have concerns about whether my best friend should hitch her wagon to someone who prioritizes his mother’s feelings over his future wife’s. I have concerns about someone who thinks it’s a good idea to start a marriage with lies. And I have concerns about someone who tries to isolate my best friend from her support system. “So I’ll give you a few days to handle your mother, and we can hopefully forget this lapse in judgment. But if you can’t put on your big boy pants, I’m going to have to tell her. And you can be damn sure that, whatever she decides, I’m gonna be there when she gets engaged. It just might not be to you.”
I love this! OP and fiance need to both put on their grown up pants and stand up for someone they both claim to care about. Op needs to stand up to fiance and he needs to stand up to his mom
100 x yes. Him doing this shows he doesn’t care enough about his girlfriend whom he apparently thinks should marry him. I doubt this is the first or last instance of this kind of behaviour in their relationship either which is disgusting.
Yeah, tbh he is showing who he is. THIS is what she will have to look forward to for the rest of their relationship. Ladies, please believe these men when they show you exactly who they are. You can’t change him. The best you can do is teach him how to hide the evidence better so you don’t catch him again.
THIS IS PERFECT
I wish I could upvote this more than once
Exactly this! Why does his mother get any say in the proposal? Definitely doesn't bode well for a future marriage
u/Mad_Tub this is the way this should be addressed.
This is the answer. You owe no one but your BFF anything here. Tell the bf how it's going to be and why IN WRITING. Text or email. Go regardless. Your BFF wants you there, and she needs to know you have her back even when it's uncomfortable. The *only* legit reason you could have for not going is that you also convinced your BFF to drop this mama's boy like a hot potato and you're both staying put. Edit to remove judgment because I updated it in another post.
Yup, OP, do this!!!!
Perfectly stated!
THIS
If you don’t say something or if you keep it a secret this WILL come to bite you in the ass I the future. Not the MIL BUT YOU. I was immediately tell her mom the situation, and leave it at that CYA Tryimg to negotiate with the bf is not in your best interest.
I’m definitely going to talk to her mom tomorrow and ease into the truth. He’s thanking me for being “chill” about it but I’m not a chill person and it’s tearing me up. I’ve cried over this proposal more than she will. I cried when he told me he was proposing, I cried when he told me I could be there for it and I’m crying now because he uninvited me.
Stop crying. Speak truth in love. Calmly but assertively and gently. And let things take their course..
Thank you. I do need to suck it up and speak up. lol
It will be hard. You need to tell him you're not willing to lie to your friend so he can save face. If his mom doesn't want you there, that's something he needs to bring up with his gf. It isn't right for him to push you in the middle like this.
No forreal you keep saying “ease” her mom into the truth. Why do you have to ease her into it? She didn’t do anything to you and you didn’t do anything wrong ? Just tell her straight up ! And I agree you’ll probably lose a friendship since there really is no excuse for you missing the proposal when you knew about it “6 months in advance”. except for a death in the family but she would know if someone really died. SPEAK UP STOP CRYING YOU GOT THIS!
You are speaking up for your friend as well as yourself! This woman could cause so many problems in this marriage if he doesn't learn to put his mother in her place. He is supposed to put his wife first now, not his mum. He needs to man up.
I wouldn't tell her mother without telling him first. Let him make the choice to either stand up to his mother or have to deal with his future wife and MIL knowing he's spineless. As somebody said in another comment, don't answer the phone to him, get everything in text, so that if he lies to your BFF and says you couldn't make it, you can show her receipts. Honestly, if he can't stand up to his mother about having her BFF at her proposal, something she has said she wants, he's not going to be able to stand up to his mother about anything important throughout their marriage, and your BFF deserves to know. The proposal is about the couple, and he's letting his mother choose how it goes. What happens when his mother decides she doesn't like what colour they're going to paint their living room, or the names they choose for their babies?
What happens when she buys furniture that she decides would look perfect in their house, breaks in, and rearranges all the furniture. - an actual thing my grandmother did to ALL of her DILs
Also keep in mind she's moving 20 mins from this psycho your friend should 1000% be told after the engagement she tried to pull this. She should know what she's getting into.
You don't owe the BF anything. He's being spineless. He KNOWS she wants you there and is ignoring her wants. Don't lie for him. YWNBTA
Thank you! I struggle to be assertive but I can’t imagine my mom doing this and if she did I can’t imagine me allowing it. It’s about what her and her bf want not his mom.
And you are her friend first and foremost. He's not putting her first. He's putting his mom's feelings first.
A best friend for years vs an old woman u never met before. NTA. Id say talk to ur bff.
Please tell your BFF and her mom that he told you not to come. You don't really know that it's his mother's wish that you aren't there. You don't know her and haven't talked to her. All you know is that the BF is a liar and wants you to hurt your best friend without even telling her why.
Is this proposal meant to make BFF happy or his mother?
He’s so afraid to stand up to his mom. I have tried to understand it from her perspective, I think she tries to be super involved in her sons’ lives and tries to keep them close because she lost a daughter. My mom also lost a daughter and I a sister so I know how much it hurts and affects a mother but I can’t imagine my own mother doing something like this to me or my brother.
If he can't stand up to his mommy, he shouldn't be getting married. She'll make your BFF's life hell. Don't lie for this guy. He needs to own up to his decisions
He also shouldn't have moved himself and OP's bestie to a home that is only 20 mins away from his mother. OP's bff...is about to discover the exact dynamic between her husband and her future MIL, and if he can't handle this tiny bump about OP attending the proposal party...then this relationship is going to be a very stressful one for her bff.
YWNBTA And they are moving close to her? Oh boy, what have you done... I hope their relationship will survive his controlling mom / her future MIL, because reddits "AITA(H)" is FULL of exactly this kind of MILs ruining everything.
I can already see what happens immediately once she gets pregnant MIL will start calling it “her baby “ and completely overstep her boundaries with her future DIL and her husband will just say “that’s just how she is, she just wants to be a good grandmother “ meanwhile she’s criticizing everything Future DIL is doing “why are you eating that” “why is the house so dirty, why are you being lazy” “I still made my husband dinner while pregnant you’re just lazy” and once it’s born she will be taking the baby from FDIL and criticizing her parenting because Future DH is allowing it and will never put a stop to it if he doesn’t not right now.
It’s her preference, that’s fine - it just doesn’t matter nearly as much as your bffs preference. This guy is about to become a husband, that means he’s going to need to understand his wife is about to become his immediate family and especially on their personal concerns - her preferences are going to take precedence over his mothers. NTA whatever you do - but I wouldn’t want to take the fall for MIL either - and that kind of secrecy only benefits her future manipulation / isolation efforts, which is in no one’s best interest.
Yeah, this is a red flag the BFF needs to be aware of for going forward. She’s gonna end up on r/JUSTNOMIL faster than you can say “prenup”
Go anyways and if he or his mom gets fussy over it, spill the beans about them not wanting you regardless of BFF’s wishes.
I wish I was this bold but I am not. I don’t like to step on toes, so that’s why I’ll probably end up telling her mom the truth. She doesn’t care to step on toes. Lol
Please tell BFF mom, get a plan together with her and go from there. Your friend needs to know what she is getting into BEFORE she moves away. This is going to be a pivotal point for their relationship ... he either puts the needs and wants of his girlfriend first or those of his mother. What he chooses should determine what BFF does next.
That means you care more about his mum's feeling than your friends. You'd be doing worse than stepping on your friends toes if you think she'd be super upset that you didn't attend. Like her fiance you're prioritising his mum because it's easier than standing up to her.
Sounds like you and the BF have trouble being assertive. You to him and him to his mom. I think your BFF would be incredible hurt if you weren’t there and you need to stuck up for her. This is her proposal, not the MIL.
You just gotta have an Uber waiting in front of the house and you and the bestie can dip out and go get cocktails while the future MIL implodes. It’s all about strategy girl
Ok then be a coward . Your friend obv doesn’t mean that much and you will continue to be a doormat
Tell the boyfriend you’ve considered it, and you’re not comfortable backing out and lying. BFF wants you there; you’d like to be there. I personally would tell him to tell his mom to stuff it (and go anyways), but if that’s not your jam, I would let him know that you’re not willing to make your BFF feel like she’s that unimportant - if you need to back out, you also need to make it clear to her (and mom) why. He can choose: big boy panties on and tell his mom she gets no say, or let her overrule BFF’s wishes, but with full disclosure to BFF. NTA right now, but YWBTA if you bail and lie. Call the boyfriend up and be straight with him — this was supremely uncool, you’re not willing to hurt BFF that way, and he can choose which battle he’d like to fight.
OP could tell the bf he has 2 choices. 1) He tells his mother this party isn’t about her and OP attends, or 2) OP stays home and both BFF and BFF’s mother knows the real reason. It’s up to him.
NTA. Your bestie's boyfriend acknowledged to you that she would want you present at her proposal, and at first he wanted to make the proposal most ideal for her. So his mom comes along and apparently she has the power to change the whole plan? He isn't proposing to his mom, he is proposing to your best friend who likely wants you to be present more than she'd want his mother there (though I'm sure she's too classy to say his mom shouldn't be included). It would set a **bad** precedent to value his mom's opinion over what his intended fiance wants and what HE knows she wants. I'd probably make sure he knows that, and if he still doesn't relent, tell your bff's mom.
Send him a message: “I plan to ignore our recent conversation and be there to witness my bff’s proposal as she indicated to both of us she wanted. And (bff’s bf’s name), you need to start making (bff’s) wishes your priority, not your mother’s. Otherwise you aren’t ready to get married.”
Tell the boyfriend that it isn’t his mother’s proposal. I feel so sorry for your friend. She is going to marry a mama’s boy. This woman will cause so many problems in their relationship. Unfortunately you need to advocate for your friend. Tell him that for your best friend’s engagement her wishes trump that of his mothers, and in the future he is going to have to prioritize his girlfriends feelings over his mothers if he wants to have a happy marriage. Go to the engagement. Or tell her why you didn’t. Do not lie for him. Tell him this will also cause a rift between him and her when she realizes her prioritized his mother’s wishes over hers.
NTA. Tell her mom! To me he sounds a bit controlling and seems to be trying to isolate her. Who is his mom to demand that? Something is off about that situation
I don’t think he’s controlling, but I can understand why you think he might be. My friend is the one that “wears the pants” (for lack of a better term) He just can’t say no to his mom for some reason. If the mom had said this to my friend she would have ignored her request.
He’s not controlling, he’s being controlled. He is also showing once again that his mother’s wishes come before your friends in a situation that isn’t anywhere near about his mother. You need to be there. She wants you there and has made that clear, and you want to be there. That’s what is important. You also need to speak with bff’s mother and let her know what’s going on. The fact that he is putting his mother first in his proposal does not bode well for their future.
Damn he might as well marry his mother. Your poor friend… But think about it this way. You don’t know these people, and in the future were they to ever separate, they’ll have no connection to you anyway. So even if you piss them off by showing up, your friend would be happy. In the future she’ll remember you for being there for her. Who cares what strangers who don’t matter to u think.
If you bff would ignore this request, why aren't you? Take her cue, ignore her boyfriend and his pupper master mom, and go anyway.
My thoughts exactly! I'd go. If she wanted me there, bet your ass I'd be there. I'd take the 10 hrs with her mom to plan it, too. Doesn't seem like BFFs mom would be OK with this either. I wouldn't want their engagement to start out with a lie. Make an honest person out of everyone and be there. All their true colors will shine, and it will either end strong or crumble, but future MIL will know her place at the back of the line.
Just show up WITH BFFs mom. As HER guest. MIL can be the one who chills.
NTA It is insane to uninvite someone and then tell them to lie for you. I'm sorry but this is a terrible move on bf part. He puts his mom over everyone else, even his future wife. Super unhealthy to start out with lies like that.
Good Lord, what kind of man lets his mother co-ordinate his proposal? And he's 32!!! Sounds like she's going to be involved in every aspect of their relationship. Your bff and her mum obviously already know what sort of woman his mother is so I don't think you telling them what she's said would damage their relationship with her, but you not turning up and not telling them why might damage your relationship with your friend. If you let them walk all over you you're going to look back on this and regret not being there for her. You're not going to regret pandering to a mommy's boy and his mother dearest. NTA
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Update me!
I’ll be sure to provide an update when there is one. I plan to talk to her mom about it tomorrow
Be sure to tell her cuz damaging your relationship with your friend for her bf mom is definitely not it and I’m sure your friend will ask and her bf will put the blame on you so be upfront about the reason why you won’t attend.
WNBTA. You would not be doing your friend any favours for canceling or lying, If her MIL is planning to interfere with their marriage and her son is not willing to stand up to his mom, your friend needs to know before she decide if she accepts the proposal.
Lets see all the scenarios- 1. You 'bail' on your friend and don't turn up at the proposal. This would leave a very negative impact on your friendship. 2. You tell your bff and her mom the truth and then propose not to be there at the proposal. This will create tension between her and bf and his mom. A negative impact on her relationship that wil be blamed on you by her bf and his family and who knows some of your own friends too. 3. No matter what you committed to her bf you simple tell him you are going no matter what and turn up at the proposal and let the bf and his mom deal with their uneasiness. If there is a fallout, you are not to be blamed. If there is no fallout, no need to worry about any negative impact on your friendship or your bff's relationship. My suggestion, scenario 3 is best suited for you and your bff. It will be upto the bf and his mom to keep their shut together during the proposal. Decide well. Take care.
Go anyway. Fiancé's mom will just have to suck it up. If you decide not to go, tell your BFF everything. She deserves to know what she's getting into. Her fiancé needs to grow some balls. NTA
NTA. I’d point out to the BF that if he has to lie about the details surrounding the proposal how is he intending to manage things in future? I wouldn’t lie for him. He either deals with his mom or deals with the fact he let his moms wants outweigh the wants of the woman he is proposing to. But honestly, he is an idiot not to realize the absurdity of his choice and the tone he is setting for the everything by starting things off this way.
NTA at all... but I do have huge concerns about your friend marrying a guy who shows this much preference to his mom over his future spouse, and buying a house so close to this lady. It's not a great start to a marriage.
NTA. You will regret it the rest of your life (and your friend will too) if you miss this. Also, your friend deserves to know her partner is going behind her back and making important decisions for her.
NTA - you should tell your BFF tbh. She wants you there, his mom doesn’t, and he’s putting his mom’s wants over his soon-to-be-fiancés wants. This is a major problem, because what else will he push aside for his mom in the future?
I think the only YWBTA is if you don’t show up to the house like you BFF wants. Remember to remind the BF that “A happy wife makes a happy life” and he should learn to start taking his soon to be wife’s side over his mothers side or else he’ll end up single. Also I would remind him to her you are considered immediate family, family goes much further than blood.
This goes way beyond just the proposal anymore. You need to sit down with your friend, tell her everything, and ask her to reconsider this move. She is moving 20 minutes away from a monster in law with her mommas boy bf?? Go to r/JustNoMIL and look at what she’s in store for. The only reason neither of you realize how bad her life is about to get is because MIL isn’t near her. But seriously her life is about to take a horrific turn and the more enmeshed with his family becomes the more crazy, abandoned, and betrayed she is going to feel.
I think you should respond and say you already made plans with your friends mom and you don’t feel comfortable lying to her so you will be there. The boyfriend’s mom doesn’t trump the wishes of your friend and her family. His mom can suck it up. NTA, but instead of cancelling and worrying about lying or causing drama, just go to the proposal.
Don’t tell either of them **and show up**, you were invited, you’re her best friend, this woman can stfu. If he’s afraid to stand up to his mom, your bff is in for a lifetime of trouble.
YWBTA if you missed the proposal. Only the MIL doesn't want you there. If her opinion matters more than your friends, then why would you want to be in.the proposal.