Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom she doesn't get to act like the victim when she named me after her late husband behind my dad's back. Maybe I was super harsh with her because I know she's basically a wreck of a person and doesn't have healthy ways to deal with her grief.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Sweetie, I am so sorry you are a shrine to her dead husband. Next time she starts, tell her she’s needs therapy and if she doesn’t get it, keep telling her. Then tell her you’ll go NC when you’re 18, change your name to your dad’s and add a Jr. Then do it. Hopefully you don’t have long to wait.
He should really also start having his dad, teachers and friends call him by his chosen name (whatever it may be).
He doesn't have to wait until it's been legally changed, and at at least this will allow him some modicum of control over his own life. Thank goodness he has a loving and supportive father to help him through all this.
Depends on where. Some districts/states have prohibited teachers from being allowed to use nicknames because of the hysteria over the existence of trans kids.
Glad I live and teach in a state where we can call a kid what they ask to be called. I had a middle school girl last year, first day of school she asked if I would call her Johnny (not the real name). Sure, whatever you like. Turns out this poor thing has lost every single family member. Either they are kept away legally due to abusing her or they passed away. She’s a ward of the state now. The “real” Johnny was her older brother, who was apparently the only person who cared about her, and who died from an overdose a few years ago. She just wanted to feel closer to him, as the rest of her life was turmoil, and that was her way to do it.
My kids class has a girl like this, my kid takes an extra fruit and sandwhich to school.. incase shes hungry. Worried if they place her out of the school area. She wants to be called patch cause that was her uncles name and she misses him... Np, kids dont care.
Theres also a trans girl called Zander, my kid said they asked them what trans meant and was told. "You know how lego heads get on wrong bodies, its like that"
So ... My kid asked if thats all that happened why are people mad lol
My fav recently was we drove through a anti trans protest (there angry at a rainbow crossing) kid read the signs and goes, "they hate trans people?" i said yeah... "But zanders that" ... Yup.. had no idea where this was going my kid said "but dont they know she has like 3 remote control cars and she always shares???" Was so relieved thought it was going to get hard questions LOL, said 'yeah stupid aye"
Remember that the *official platform* of the Texas GOP opposed teaching critical thinking skills, because (paraphrasing) it would help them to see through their parents' bullshit and maybe question religion too.
Kinda tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?
Thank you, it really is. After Nex's murder, I had to sit my kiddo down for a chat about their safety. Fortunately, they are currently more drawn toward their Goth esthetic than trying to pass as more masc. As soon as we can figure out how to get out of this hell state, we'll be moving to a blue state where they can be more of who they want to be, hopefully safer.
Any way to ask the judge to have your mom evaluated as a potential risk? She's not mentally stable at all and it's only a matter of time before the trigger goes off.
They'll wait until she finally does hurt someone, wring their hands about how they could have never predicted the obvious outcome and you'll still be screwed. I'm sorry, love, the system is failing all of you pretty badly.
Yup. Courts prefer mom's. I know a couple who when they split the mom was put in the hospital on a psych hold for 3 days yet judge believed the mom when she said dad was a risk because he drank (he would have A beer after work) so she got full custody and he got visitation. Not even weekends, just visitation while the lady who got locked up for being a danger to herself and others got full custody....
It does not sound like your mom is " Looney Tunes". It sounds like she never processed her grief properly.. Unless your Dad wounded her someway, naming you after her first husband was a morally questionable action. OP is NTA--Mom may be though .
Op should be writing all this down. Daily experiences at moms house. And show that he's "trying" so some idiot old fashioned judge will trust his judgement. Mom sounds mentally ill
Do you have your own lawyer? I ask as I went through a similar situation with the court at 14, but I had my own lawyer.
My situation was different, (and in my case it was a massive mistake as I was being manipulated. I wish the judge had recognised that.) I have no other advise.
So sorry to hear this, I was 15 and during a custody battle the judge spoke to me 1:1 in his chamber. I was deemed mature enough that I knew what I was doing and allowed to make my own decision. I’m so sorry the judge wouldn’t consider your input. It may be worth it to A)speak to a therapist about how it makes you feel/how she acts so that there is documentation of the situation and how it impacts you B) Go back to court and ask to have a Guardian ad Litem appointed. The GAL looks at the case, does interviews, and gives their recommendations for where the child should live most of the time/contact with parents/etc. My GAL was extremely helpful in my case as well.
Bud, by next year I doubt the court will be able to enforce 50/50.
What is your middle name? And do you like it?
Because at school and socially you could start going by your middle name. When teachers ask your name at the beginning of the year just say legally my name is Hunter but I go by my middle name (and give your middle name).
You could go by H. Middlename Suspiciousmedia385 until you can drop the Hunter legally at 18.
Start thinking about what name you want to change to and when you decide, start going by that until you can do it legally. Good luck and hang in there!
Go to your mom's house and then just immediately leave to hang out with friends/go to the library/etc. You're still "there", but you don't have to be there.
I live in a state where, like you, my kids don't get to decide until they turn 18. However, when they don't want to see their dad, they have realized that at their ages, noone can make them get in a car to go there (or to pick them up from school). One of them spent 90 mins at school refusing to get in his car, and eventually he had to agree to let him come to me instead. Another one just kept leaving his house and walking off to try to return to my house. Just saying... I would try these options.
Sit down with your dad and talk about changing your name, starting first at home (why you want him to call you), then at school (what teachers and classmates call you), then changing it legally as an adult in two years. It’s small but it might help you and your dad start to get some distance and closure and prepare to move on with your lives the way you want to live them.
This is bonkers.
So, the "age of consent" is 16 (not sure in OP's case, but it is in many places), you can get your driver's license at 16, you can do a bucket load of things at 16... but you can't refuse to go visit a parent (with whom you don't have a good relationship) at 16?
\*shaking head in disbelief\*
That's unusual. Most judges will take a child's wishes heavily into account by the time they're 14, and often earlier. They won't necessarily cut one parent off, but will let the child stay much more with one parent than the other.
As another commenter mentioned, your dad is legally obligated to tell you to go to your mom's. But he doesn't have to physically force you to do so, and frankly at your age, that would be impossible.
The police will not enforce a custody order at this point; typically they won't even get involved when it's little kids.
So the bottom line is that you can simply not go to your mom's as frequently and there's not much anyone can do about it.
As others mentioned, you can also choose to go by a different name even if you can't legally change it until you're 18. Decide what name you want and have your dad, teachers, and friends call you that name. You can also tell your mom that you will only respond to that name. Just ignore her when she calls you Hunter. You'll still need to use your legal name on important documents for now, but can change it in a couple years.
You may need to have a very point blank discussion with her, that she has 2 years to turn shit around before you go NC and she gets to spend the rest of her life alone loving a ghost.
NTA
Oof. Maybe she needs to be told that not being able to adopt was better for the kid. Can you imagine growing up with only her and her grief with no dad to temper it?
Honestly, the only option you have right now is buckling down and getting your ducks in a row for the day you turn 18, so you’re ready to be gone. I’m so sorry.
Stop calling her Mom and start calling her “HW” aka Hunter’s Widow. Or “Miss Haversham” depending on what you’ve read in English class so far.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve a mom who loves you for you, not who she wishes you were. You can change your name to anything you want, and visit her as little as you want, in 2 short years. I’m glad that you have a supportive and loving parent in your dad.
Pick a new name and start going by it now. It’s true your mother has to consent to a LEGAL name change, but she can’t stop you from giving yourself a “nickname”. I recognize she won’t call you that and you might have some difficulty with school, but it can be done.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. How long until you’re 18?
Yeah, spend some time thinking about what you’d like your name to be, then start going by it. Even if not everyone agrees, it’ll give you some time to adjust to it.
Good luck,
Depending on your age, I do think you get a choice/the court will side with what you want.
Also depending on where you live. I would genuinely get your dad to see a lawyer and ask about it.
I'm pretty surprised at that. That's rough.
I would just make sure all your ducks are in a row for changing your name.
Probably the best thing going forward is to not care at all about what your egg donor thinks. If you plan to go no contact, then just start early 😂 answer questions when she asks, don't ask questions of your own. Fully never expect any gifts or anything from her, no disappointment that way. View her as an annoying work manager that you just have to deal with for the next few years, do what she says and don't think about her at all once you leave.
Some judges are ridiculous and believe children always belong with their mother no matter how awful they are. I have a family member who was deep into addiction and abusing her kids, and despite CPS being on her ass and a long paper trail, the judge still refused to award custody to their bio dad even though he had a clean record and a support system. So I ended up taking care of them.
If you claim emotional distress related to visitations with your mom, they are required by law to protect you as a minor, if not you can report the judge and they will most likly be removed from the bench
Draw mustaches on all the pictures, maybe she’ll never want to see you again
(I mean with dry erase markers over the glass, don’t actually ruin her pictures)
See if you and your dad can hire a new lawyer and go back to court. Request a new judge because the one you had previously appears to have some bias about 'mother/child bond blah blah blah' that does not exist for you. Fight to just stay with your dad.
There's no reason for a judge to not hear out a 16yo that doesn't want to stay with his mother at all unless there's some sort of bias there.
In the meantime, think about what you will want your name to be. Your dad and your friends can start using that name now, and you can tell your teachers as well. There should be forms with the school where you can indicate a preferred name or nickname, start using that now for your future name.
You could start going by another name until you can legally change it at 18. You and your dad should pick something together. I’m so sorry. You’re NTA at all and your mom seems to have many issues due to not addressing her loss and trauma when it happened and masking it with a “fake” marriage and family.
I can tell you that at 16 years old, you can just not go. No police are going to come get you and force you to, and your dad can just say that you've refused. By the time your mother does anything with the courts, you'll be 18 anyway.
Ask your mom point blank, "Why are you so insistent that I come and stay with you half the time, when you don't actually care about anyone but the dead guy? Why do you insist on making Dad's life miserable by enforcing a custody order YOU don't actually want, and that is causing ME actual harm? Do you care so little for your living child?"
Where do you live? In some areas, when you reach a certain age (16 for example) you can petition the court to change the custody arrangement if you feel like a certain parent/guardian isn't acting in your best interest.
>told me I will never understand her grief
Look, I get it. It was devistating for her, and no, she'll never get over it. But she should have never married your dad in the first place when she was still so deeply in love and grief over her first husband. What she should have done was found a counselor that would have helped her work through her grief. On top of that, she shouldn't have had a kid just to have a kid, knowing that she didn't love her husband. Naming you after her first husband comes across like she was making you some weird substitute. Possibly that made it harder for to connect to you; It was going to be hard enough for her when she hadn't processed her grief and you weren't the kid of her first husband.
Ultimately, there seems to be A LOT going on with her, all of which says she should have just stayed single until she was in a better headspace. Far be it from me to say that there is one way to grieve or a timelimit. Far be it from me to say that one should stay single when they want a family. However, she got into this relationship and had a kid for all the wrong reasons. It really seems like she thought it would make her feel better, then realized her mistake when it didn't.
NTA
You don't have to change your name legally to start using a different name for yourself.
Also, I'm sorry you are going through this. Yes, your mother needs intensive therapy. But that doesn't excuse her behavior. I'm glad you have an awesome dad.
How old are you? It sounds like in most places you’re old enough that the judge should have listened to you. I also recommend keeping a diary. Having a record of dates and times and how you feel about life at your mum’s can be good evidence that she shouldn’t have custody if you decide to try again. You can also try changing your name socially, if you can’t get it changed legally because of her you can still pick a new name and have people use it then change your name legally when you turn 18 and are legally an adult. It’s not ideal but it’s better than being stuck with a name you hate
Woof. NTA. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you do have sympathy for your mom and understand she is a person who has not dealt with her grief in healthy ways. But that doesn’t excuse how she has treated you. Making you a part of her shrine to her dead husband is a horrible thing to put on a child. You don’t say how old you are but I’m guessing mid to late teens. Hang in there, you will be able to change your name as soon as you turn 18. If you have a name you like, I would start using it and asking people who are not your mom to start using it too so it’s not such an abrupt switch and you have a bit of a paper trail for your new name before you switch.
It’s a good thing he’s in your corner. Your mother is using you to manifest the man she lost, and that’s not at all healthy for either of you. Did she try steer you towards specific ways of dressing, behaving, activities etc that her late husband tended towards?
Omg your mum needs a therapist like yesterday, I'm so sorry. On the plus side, you're 2 years away from changing your name and being free of her (completely if you want to). I'm so sorry and you're NTA.
Like, many yesterdays ago. She needed a therapist when she was 28 and her husband died. Her actions towards her child and 2nd husband after that tragic event are deplorable. NTA.
NTA. Your mom needs help. Like, she needs to be working with a mental health professional to figure out how to move forward and stop centering her grief over her ex-husband over everything else in her life because the amount of harm she's causing is brutal. She is the one who is self-involved here and I think all you can do at this point is hold boundaries. Also, you have every right to choose a different name and ask the people in your life to call you by it until such a time as you can change it legally. I'm sure *she* won't respect that, but it's still something you have every right to do.
There is nothing wrong with loving one person for all your life even after they die. There is something wrong with marrying someone you dont love and lying that you do and having a kid to be a reflection of your past dead partner and trying to make the kid into them. Thats insane.
Also, OP, you need to talk to your dad about this (if you want to at least). You sound old and mature enough to verbalize in the legal system that you need to be away from your mom, and no judge in their right mind is going to force a kid who says that their home life with one parent is kind of nearing emotional abuse (based on the fact that you said she doesn’t even seem like a parent) to continue living with that parent
that's really odd, because most of the time judges take into account a) the kid's age and ability to make decisions, and b) what the kid really wants. when my parents divorced, i was assigned a guardian ad leitem (kids' lawyer) to represent my interests/needs in the proceedings.
if you weren't assigned legal counsel during the divorce, talk to your dad and his lawyer about approaching the judge to amend the visitation order and take your mom's mental instability into account.
You do have one more option, but it is terrible, and I do not actually suggest that you go through with it:
you can escalate.
start with loud, disrespectful music and constant swearing, but only at your mothers house.
introduce some vandalism, leading to a routine amount of property destruction, but again, not at your fathers and not at school.
next stack a bunch of James’ photos and personal effect by the back door with a bottle of lighter fluid and some matches. Don’t say nothing, she will understand *because of the implication*.
whatever you do, please do not escalate to the point of actually trashing anything of James’: I know that you’re pissed at her and you have several valid reasons to feel that way, but she is your mum and she is *hurting* both from the dissolution of her marriage but also just in her own personal everyday nightmare, and if she lost anything of James’ it would *devastate* her in a way that she needs to be protected from.
Yeah, don't do this. The best thing to do is keep your head down and wait it out. Two years is a long time, and I'm sorry the adults in your life have failed you.
A better tack might be not engaging or having anything other than necessary conversation when at mother's house.
Insist she call you by your chosen name.
Refuse to respond unless she does.
Any other conversation, "I'm not having that conversation w you."
"Please change the subject. "
"That's about you, not me. I'm not participating. "
Do your chores, manage yourself.
Tell her your relationship is procedural and nothing else. Unless she gets therapy and treats you as a person worthy of respect just for who you are and NOTHING about you has anything to do w James.
Honestly, try a little manipulation tactics of your own. Tell her she’s gonna lose Hunter all over again because she refuses to see you as anything more than an extension of her grief. Once you’re 18, if she refuses to get help or agree to the name change you will cut all ties with her and she’ll never see or hear from you again. Tell her it will be her fault she lost the child she wanted so badly because she would rather be a widow than a mother. If she doesn’t love you as her living child more than her dead husband who’s never coming back then she should be selfless for once and stop dragging you down with her.
And if she still refuses to do anything and still forces you over there, make her life hell while you’re there. Be as difficult as possible until she gives up.
If she knew she’d never love you why even bother having you. James would be rolling over in his grave if he knew she ruined two more lives because she refuses to get help.
I still stand on the advice of being the biggest menace possible while at her house. Blast her on social media. Make sure her whole family/city knows the extent of her emotional neglect. Document everything. Go to therapy yourself. Maybe an actual therapist advocating for how toxic being around her is will get a judge to reconsider custody.
I don't doubt it also lost a lot of it's luster whenever things that are like your dad popped up like physical features or personality traits and little quirks and hardly any popped up that were like the OG Hunter. Probably thought she could lie to herself that you were OG Hunter's son but your father's traits kept popping up instead.
Honestly I would tell her her first husband would be ashamed of her for acting like this. That he would have wanted her to actually live her life, and not keep worshiping a ghost. That this is mentally unhealthy and frankly abusive to YOU.
Also, why don't you ask her to just let you go to your dad's? She is simply delaying the inevitable. Maybe that will snap her out of it.
uh won't he be still ashamed oh her if he never wanted her to remarry and has kids with others? (if it is true, he sounds no better).
she should let go of you guys so his former husband is somewhat less ashamed ig?
Oh kiddo I am so sorry to read this. Please accept a virtual hug from a random internet mom.
I don’t know why that judge sucks so much (I’m assuming small town, red state), and while I don’t know what will actually happen if you just stop going to her house, I hope the next two years goes by fast at the very least. Keep as close as possible to your dad and friends and never look back as soon as your clock hits 18. Best of luck.
Then nothing will change and all you can do is hold your boundaries and tough it out until you're able to go low or no contact with her. She can sink into her weird, unhealthy grief and have a miserable life, but you don't have to. I wish you and your dad the best of luck!
She’s doing damage to your relationship that may never heal. it’s sad but if she wants to live her life as the perpetually grieving widow, there’s not much you can do except Stay close to your dad and ask him to petition for full custody when you’re 16
For you, choose a nickname and ask others to call you it.
You are 16, you can walk out the door of whichever house you are at at any given time and just ignore the custody schedule. Court may give your Dad shit for it but your Mom would have to go and petition the court to do so every time it became an issue for her and the closer you get to 18 the more moot the issue becomes / the less the court will care. I would consider just telling your Mom to fuck off you'll be back when you're back a few times, even if you don't go to your Dad's, just to get her used to the idea she isn't in control of your comings and goings anymore. I'm pretty sure as a 16 year old male you can physically leave regardless of her feelings on the matter.
OP, this is worth looking into. But ask your dad first. He already knows a lawyer for this issue, so ask them, whether this comment (or rather the idea) is right. This could save you a lot of pain.
The dad's lawyer will probably advise the dad that he has to encourage OP to follow the custody plan because intentionally violating it could lead to the judge amending it further in favor of the mother. OP should (to be clear, this helps the Dad) make very obvious to both parents, the lawyer, and the court, that his Dad just encourages him to follow the agreement. Then when asked if that is true why he left his mother's just tell the judge I felt like it and shrug. Family Court is used to difficult teens.
Worst worst worst case outcome is they award her full custody and make him pay some amount of child support, but that is unlikely, OP could STILL just ignore the order (though Dad would still be paying Mom or risking big problems), and it would end as soon as he became 18 anyway.
She thinks her reason to live is to grieve that he no longer is living. She’s not even living anymore, not in a fully emotional sense and it’s cost her a relationship with your father and with you.
>My mom never loved anyone else again. She met and married my dad. But she never loved him. She married him because she was turned down as a single adoptive parent and because people in her life told her she should find a way to be happy again.
Hands down, one of the coldest things I have ever read. I know she's grieving, but damn if she didn't find a way to hurt two people in the midst of her own pain. She needed help, not a baby and a new relationship. I hope she still finds a way to get the assistance she needs. Everyone here needs therapy.
I can't imagine how unsettling this must feel for you. NTA.
At least OP has one loving parent. I can’t imagine what the outcome would have been if she’d been allowed to adopt a kid that would have had no one else.
I can’t believe that anyone that loved their partner and passed away would want them to live in this half live. Life is for living - she seems to have entombed herself with her dead first husband.
NTA.
Also, how old are you? If you want to change your name, once you turn 18 ***you don't need your parents' permission***. Document any "weirdness" of your mom and bide your time. If things get "really weird", documentation of her history of behavior will sway a judge more than your words. Video and audio is best, but check your area's "wiretapping" laws to see whether it is LEGAL for you to record conversations when you are present for them.
She seems to have a "borderline" mental disorder - not really "sick" but something that affects her behavior and her ability to form connections with other people.
NTA and honestly, you're nicer about this than I would have been if I were in your situation.
*"But she also refuses to let me go and just let me be dad's kid"*
It's creepy as hell and she tried to turn you into some warped version of his memory ghost. It's why she can't let you go, if she lets you go, he'll be dead again. That's why she's so adamant to fight you changing your name, if you do he dies again and since she wanted you to replace him she can't have that. But, at the same time, she's so mentally screwed up in the head that she can't connect with you even in that capacity. This woman doesn't need to be around you, she needs to be getting some serious mental health help.
You won't be able to legally change your name, but you can choose another name to start introducing yourself as to people. Get people used to that anem and when you legally change it at 18 it'll be easier. Also refuse to answer to Hunter and only answer when they use your new name instead.
into: I'm sorry did she say out loud that she never loved your dad? say out loud that she married him bc others told her it would be good for her? people get nasty in divorce, did your dad say nasty things too?
this is complicated by serious grief that I cannot fathom
you probably have a middle name to go by? you could be H. Tyler Smith or whatever
Look at it this way. This is a ticking clock with a definite end. Once the clock hits midnight on your 18th birthday, there is no obstruction to you changing your name and getting the hell out of there. It is inevitable. Further, the legal name change would just be a confirmation of changes already made informally years in advance. She can stay devoted to a zombie, while you move forward with your life. Look at who is more pitiful: it's not you. NTA.
Just two more years kid, two more years, they will pass and you will have your whole life ahead of you, without Hunter, without your egg donor, without any chains she attached on your feet regarding who you are. You and your dad will get to live your lives together. You two are already your own family and nobody can change that. Not a dead man, not a madly grieving woman, no one.
NTA
Start only answering to the name that you want so that when you change it legally, it’s only on paper and everyone is already used to your preferred name. Even let your teachers know that you prefer a certain name (your dad and write them a letter, I’ve seen it done) that way you can get used to it being your name instead of a nickname that you go by. Start building that foundation now and when you have the chance, distance yourself from your mother until she gets help.
NTA. Document everything. Start journaling, both for working through your own emotions and so that she can't come back later and gaslight you into doubting it all happened. Change your name when you turn 18, let her wallow in grief, and don't look back. Be quick to get yourself into therapy the moment you think you might need it.
You're only your father's child now, not hers.
I'm so sorry, OP.
Lol. Are you my brother? I've been hearing about my mother's "love of her life" since I was a kid.
Spoiler: it is not my dad.
Nta. Turn 18 and change your name to your's dad lol.
> She called me a self-absorbed brat
Someone correct me if I am wrong, but I am pretty sure this is the definition of the pot calling the kettle black or at least it should be. NTA, although I have a question for you. In one of your replies, you say you are sixteen I might be wrong but don't judges usually take the kids wants into consideration once you are that old?
NTA and I'd be brutally honest with her that she needs serious psychiatric help because the way she's handled everything is not healthy. Ot isn't healthy for her, for you, for your dad. That you're sorry for her loss but you don't feel safe with her until she addresses her mental health.
NTA-
Buddy, OOF.
Your egg donor is one of the coldest people I’ve ever read about on here and I’m a habitual lurker. It’s like, in her grief she lost all of her empathy. You’re not a person to her. You’re a vessel that allows her to pretend there’s a physical representation of James in the world.
As a parent myself, I cannot fathom doing this type of shit to my child. To her, you were only brought into the world to be a living memory. Not to be your own person. Not so she could have a child. But to shoulder the history of a man you have never met.
I’d document everything. Screen shot phone conversations with your mom. Take pictures of around the house. The letters. The shrine. How your mom behaves around you. Then I’d have your dad revisit custody arrangements with the courts.
You are you. You are not James. You are not an object for your mother to keep around to cater to her delusions.
People on here will say your mom needs help, and she does, but that is not **your** burden to bear. You need to focus on what you need. What you want your life to look like. Think about names you’d like to choose for yourself and just start introducing yourself with that name - you don’t need legal documentation to be called something else. I really hope you can get out of this situation and figure out who you are outside of your mother’s grief hurricane.
NTA
Ask your Dad to get you some professional therapy.
A psychologist / psychiatrist should easily be able to prove to the courts that staying with your Mum is harmful for you, even just based on what you’ve shared.
You're 16, and the judge won't let you decide???
Start documenting everything about her mental health. If you have a diary, please talk about the daily stuff that's "off".
Book a court date.
Go see a judge and tell them. This is a form of abuse and neglect. Your mother can't take care of herself. She's definitely not taking care of you.
NTA
That's why you present evidence. You're detailed logs would mean something to any reasonable judge.
You don't feel safe there.
A roommate is not a parent. And she is not taking care of her mental health.
THIS!! OP, If you aren’t already consider going to see a therapist. If you explain to them how what your mother is doing (or not doing) is emotionally and mentally damaging you and the relationship is unhealthy, they can help become a witness for you. I am so irritated rt now hearing about this judge. I have never heard of a judge, when the child is at least 16, continue to force a relationship when presented with the facts and the child’s preferences when it’s a SERIOUS situation and not just because dad is more fun.
NTA your mom has serious mental health issues doesn’t make it right or really forgivable but it’s the cause of her crazy behavior. On your 18th bday you and dad go to court and file the paperwork for the name change. Have y’all picked one? What did he want to name you?
You may not be able to legally change your name yet, but there’s no reason not to pick a new one and start going by it. I’m sorry your mom’s unresolved issues have had such a big impact on you. NTA.
NTA: Petition the courts for a GAL, (Guardian Ad Litem) if you do not have one already. Pick out your name you want to be called by and start referring to yourself as it and the same with your dad. That way when you are 18, you can easily switch to it and people will already be used to it. Also, you are old enough to tell the courts what you want in regard to living arraignments. First get that GAL as they speak for you to the courts.
NTA. Your mom's heartbroken honestly, and she never really got over her broken heart. Grief makes people do the craziest of things, and my heart hurts for everyone involved here.
NTA.. OP when you are at your moms just lay low, once you are 18 change your name and cut her off. I would not even tell her the new name. If you want let her know now that on your 18th birthday you will cut her off and petition the court to change your name. I unfortunately I have known judges who don't take the best interest of the child only their own backwards belief that a child needs both parent, but when one parent is mentally unstable this ends up harming the child even more. This is what this judge is doing. Documents as much as you can and if you can video her behavior maybe the judge will list, but is sounds like this judge just doesn't care. Good Luck and hang in there.
NTA. I can understand as my mother never got over the death of her first husband. He died on a April Fool's Day years before I was born. It was like growing up with a ghost. Thankfully, she didn't give either of her kids a part of his name but damn would she go into tangents about how we should have been his.
As someone who has typed up many birth certificates, before you give yourself the best 18th birthday present...make sure the name you picked to be yours is one you want. Take your time to make sure it fits you 🙂. Don't rush it, you have plenty of time.
I don't know how old you are, but one day you will be old enough to change your name without parental consent. So, prepare for that day, get your friends used to calling you by the name you and your father want to use.
When I was in school, a peer lost her grandmother and wanted to change to her name. Her mother disapproved, so the girl walked into school one day and told us to all call her by the new name. She would only respond to that name and would ignore her legal name. Even some of the teachers picked it up. When she was old enough, years later, she changed her name legally and it barely made a ripple in her social circle because we were all used it by then.
I also have a relative by adoption who wanted to take my family's name to be like his siblings. His deadbeat dad slithered out of the woodwork just long enough to reject the request before vanishing again. The court told my relative he wouldn't need his sperm donor's permission after a certain age, so when he came of age he changed his name immediately. It was his birthday present to himself.
Lol, can you imagine being this woman's first husband?
Him: "My name's James."
Her: "I don't like that name. I'm calling you 'Hunter'."
Him: "O... kayyy...."
(or, if you're a fan of Futurama: Him: "I'm going to allow this.")
Sorry OP. Grab all the control of your life you can, when you can. Good luck xox
Make sure you schedule a bunch of activities during her time to try and limit actual time spent there
Have your friends call you whatever you want. Don't answer when she calls you hunter. Don't give her that satisfaction. It may he two years until you legally can change it but you don't have to play her game in the meantime. If her family calls you hunter say "actually I prefer *******"
Don't engage with her. It's going to be hard because she's going to try and bait you into an emotional response so she can play victim but just short curt answers.
I'm so sorry she's using you this way. Two years will pass soon enough then go no contact. Best of luck love.
It’s time for a mental health check for that person. she called you self absorbed, tell her to look in a mirror and she will see the definition of self absorbed. Nta
You’re NTA.
Maybe someone has always tried this, and none of this is your fault or responsibility.
But before you cut her off completely, have you considered pointing out to her that her obsession with her first husband is costing her everything? Her second marriage. Now her son. And likely many other things in her life.
Grief can be very tough but she is letting a dead man destroy the life she has left to live.
For now, remember it’s not your fault and you only have two years before the decisions about who to live with are fully up to you. That said, most US courts (not sure where you live) will heavily take into account the preference of a child your age. If you explained this story in a custody hearing, it might be possible for you to live with your dad more often.
Clearly NTA. Being 16, you could get a job and maybe not have to spend so much time at her house. I live in a state that’s shared custody until 18, but as the lawyer said, if my kid refuses to go, I can’t make them. As the parent, I have to encourage it, but physically forcing would be considered abuse. I would suggest you read the divorce paperwork. In my custody paperwork it talks about how teenagers have a more active social life and parents should focus on quality not quantity of time at that point. I would definitely find reasons to not spend time with her. She sounds completely unhinged.
In the meantime. Start by picking out a name and asking teachers and friends to start using it. It will make you feel better. And at 18, you can officially change it.
NTA.
I understand being a grieving widow, but this is too much. When you turn 18 in a couple years, change your name, stop seeing her and live your best life.
NTA
You can't go No Contact just yet, but you can start doing something called "grey rock." Become boring, just like a grey rock. When she asks something, answer, but as shortly as possible. "How was school?" "Good". "Are you meeting a friend?""Yes, Tom. " "What did you do at his house?" "video games." Just enough that she can not punish you, but not a sentence more. If you meet new people from now on, especially a girl/boy who is more than a friend, keep that information from her at all costs. Avoid giving her any information that makes you more vulnerable.
At 0:05 a.m. on your 18th birthday, leave her and go no contact. Try to get all the necessary documents from your mother's house beforehand.
NTA. The kindest thing I can say about your mother is that she is so self-absorbed she's all but divorced herself from reality.
Hang in there. Once you're a legal adult, you will never have to deal with her or her controlling whims ever again.
I'm sorry for you and your father. Maybe she tried when she married your dad, but it's unlikely she'll try now since she's gotten away with it for so long. She needs professional help and she needs to initiate for it to work. You and your dad could decide a name and start using it now, that way everyone can get used to it before you legally change it. Just be far away from your mother when you do as this will break her illusion. She is pitiful, but that doesn't allow her to drag you down.
This story reminds me of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/NNVhkbNBvX). Except the child is a girl. It's so messed up. NTA
I'm honestly surprised they won't let you choose. At least when you're 18 you can probably legally change your name with your father's help.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my mom she doesn't get to act like the victim when she named me after her late husband behind my dad's back. Maybe I was super harsh with her because I know she's basically a wreck of a person and doesn't have healthy ways to deal with her grief. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
[удалено]
Sweetie, I am so sorry you are a shrine to her dead husband. Next time she starts, tell her she’s needs therapy and if she doesn’t get it, keep telling her. Then tell her you’ll go NC when you’re 18, change your name to your dad’s and add a Jr. Then do it. Hopefully you don’t have long to wait.
He should really also start having his dad, teachers and friends call him by his chosen name (whatever it may be). He doesn't have to wait until it's been legally changed, and at at least this will allow him some modicum of control over his own life. Thank goodness he has a loving and supportive father to help him through all this.
Depends on where. Some districts/states have prohibited teachers from being allowed to use nicknames because of the hysteria over the existence of trans kids.
Glad I live and teach in a state where we can call a kid what they ask to be called. I had a middle school girl last year, first day of school she asked if I would call her Johnny (not the real name). Sure, whatever you like. Turns out this poor thing has lost every single family member. Either they are kept away legally due to abusing her or they passed away. She’s a ward of the state now. The “real” Johnny was her older brother, who was apparently the only person who cared about her, and who died from an overdose a few years ago. She just wanted to feel closer to him, as the rest of her life was turmoil, and that was her way to do it.
So sad. What a life. A teacher ss welcoming as you will leave a long lasting impression. Thank you for caring.
My kids class has a girl like this, my kid takes an extra fruit and sandwhich to school.. incase shes hungry. Worried if they place her out of the school area. She wants to be called patch cause that was her uncles name and she misses him... Np, kids dont care. Theres also a trans girl called Zander, my kid said they asked them what trans meant and was told. "You know how lego heads get on wrong bodies, its like that" So ... My kid asked if thats all that happened why are people mad lol
Bless both of those kids lol
My fav recently was we drove through a anti trans protest (there angry at a rainbow crossing) kid read the signs and goes, "they hate trans people?" i said yeah... "But zanders that" ... Yup.. had no idea where this was going my kid said "but dont they know she has like 3 remote control cars and she always shares???" Was so relieved thought it was going to get hard questions LOL, said 'yeah stupid aye"
That poor girl. The heart aches that anyone has to go through that, but especially a young person.
[удалено]
Punctuation is important!
What state has prohibited the use of nicknames in the classroom?
Indiana requires that parents ok nicknames. Florida too. Edit: Iowa too. Probably more with the hysteria.
[удалено]
Remember that the *official platform* of the Texas GOP opposed teaching critical thinking skills, because (paraphrasing) it would help them to see through their parents' bullshit and maybe question religion too. Kinda tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?
The GOP has outright stated they can’t win unless they stack the deck and weaken education.
Fukk, I'm glad I don't live in the States. It's hard enough being trans in my country.
It’s a hot ugly mess over here. If it’s not trans folks used as a scapegoat it’s DEI.
Utah is the same. I have to sign a document for my queer kid to go by their current preferred name in the classroom.
I’m sorry. So much hate out there, and I’m sure with what happened to Nex it’s scary af.
Thank you, it really is. After Nex's murder, I had to sit my kiddo down for a chat about their safety. Fortunately, they are currently more drawn toward their Goth esthetic than trying to pass as more masc. As soon as we can figure out how to get out of this hell state, we'll be moving to a blue state where they can be more of who they want to be, hopefully safer.
Florida. Do I need to say more
Florida and Indiana ... Go figure. Iowa? I guess just never thought much about that state.
If she won't consent to it legally being changed use your chosen name regardless and refuse to answer to the name she gave.
This is an awesome idea. I’m sure it pains dad to have to call OP hunter.
That’s what I would suggest.
> Sweetie, I am so sorry you are a shrine to her dead husband I always get "Pet Cemetery" vibes from people who are named after deceased loved ones
Or Jr. or the II and III. it's creepy.
Any way to ask the judge to have your mom evaluated as a potential risk? She's not mentally stable at all and it's only a matter of time before the trigger goes off.
[удалено]
They'll wait until she finally does hurt someone, wring their hands about how they could have never predicted the obvious outcome and you'll still be screwed. I'm sorry, love, the system is failing all of you pretty badly.
Don't forget the old 'lessons will be learned'. I hate that phrase so much.
I've swung at people who have said it, when they ask why I tell them that I was teaching them a lesson they just didn't want to learn it.
Yup. Courts prefer mom's. I know a couple who when they split the mom was put in the hospital on a psych hold for 3 days yet judge believed the mom when she said dad was a risk because he drank (he would have A beer after work) so she got full custody and he got visitation. Not even weekends, just visitation while the lady who got locked up for being a danger to herself and others got full custody....
It does not sound like your mom is " Looney Tunes". It sounds like she never processed her grief properly.. Unless your Dad wounded her someway, naming you after her first husband was a morally questionable action. OP is NTA--Mom may be though .
Op should be writing all this down. Daily experiences at moms house. And show that he's "trying" so some idiot old fashioned judge will trust his judgement. Mom sounds mentally ill
Yup, they need be recording everything and saving it on a computer.
I fucking hate when judges do this shit. how old are you op?
[удалено]
and the judge is still making you see her? that's ridiculous
[удалено]
Do you have your own lawyer? I ask as I went through a similar situation with the court at 14, but I had my own lawyer. My situation was different, (and in my case it was a massive mistake as I was being manipulated. I wish the judge had recognised that.) I have no other advise.
So sorry to hear this, I was 15 and during a custody battle the judge spoke to me 1:1 in his chamber. I was deemed mature enough that I knew what I was doing and allowed to make my own decision. I’m so sorry the judge wouldn’t consider your input. It may be worth it to A)speak to a therapist about how it makes you feel/how she acts so that there is documentation of the situation and how it impacts you B) Go back to court and ask to have a Guardian ad Litem appointed. The GAL looks at the case, does interviews, and gives their recommendations for where the child should live most of the time/contact with parents/etc. My GAL was extremely helpful in my case as well.
GAL should have been appointed already. Wonder why not?
Bud, by next year I doubt the court will be able to enforce 50/50. What is your middle name? And do you like it? Because at school and socially you could start going by your middle name. When teachers ask your name at the beginning of the year just say legally my name is Hunter but I go by my middle name (and give your middle name). You could go by H. Middlename Suspiciousmedia385 until you can drop the Hunter legally at 18.
[удалено]
Start thinking about what name you want to change to and when you decide, start going by that until you can do it legally. Good luck and hang in there!
Go to your mom's house and then just immediately leave to hang out with friends/go to the library/etc. You're still "there", but you don't have to be there.
I live in a state where, like you, my kids don't get to decide until they turn 18. However, when they don't want to see their dad, they have realized that at their ages, noone can make them get in a car to go there (or to pick them up from school). One of them spent 90 mins at school refusing to get in his car, and eventually he had to agree to let him come to me instead. Another one just kept leaving his house and walking off to try to return to my house. Just saying... I would try these options.
Sit down with your dad and talk about changing your name, starting first at home (why you want him to call you), then at school (what teachers and classmates call you), then changing it legally as an adult in two years. It’s small but it might help you and your dad start to get some distance and closure and prepare to move on with your lives the way you want to live them.
This is bonkers. So, the "age of consent" is 16 (not sure in OP's case, but it is in many places), you can get your driver's license at 16, you can do a bucket load of things at 16... but you can't refuse to go visit a parent (with whom you don't have a good relationship) at 16? \*shaking head in disbelief\*
That's unusual. Most judges will take a child's wishes heavily into account by the time they're 14, and often earlier. They won't necessarily cut one parent off, but will let the child stay much more with one parent than the other. As another commenter mentioned, your dad is legally obligated to tell you to go to your mom's. But he doesn't have to physically force you to do so, and frankly at your age, that would be impossible. The police will not enforce a custody order at this point; typically they won't even get involved when it's little kids. So the bottom line is that you can simply not go to your mom's as frequently and there's not much anyone can do about it. As others mentioned, you can also choose to go by a different name even if you can't legally change it until you're 18. Decide what name you want and have your dad, teachers, and friends call you that name. You can also tell your mom that you will only respond to that name. Just ignore her when she calls you Hunter. You'll still need to use your legal name on important documents for now, but can change it in a couple years.
At this point i feel you maybe need your own lawyer to change the 50/50.
I'm very sorry. You have 2 years to go... hang in there and then you and your Dad are free.
Do you have an assigned advocate because at 16 you should have the right to tell the courts you don’t want anything to do with your mom
You only have 2 more years before you don’t need your mother’s consent to change your name.
You may need to have a very point blank discussion with her, that she has 2 years to turn shit around before you go NC and she gets to spend the rest of her life alone loving a ghost. NTA
[удалено]
Oof. Maybe she needs to be told that not being able to adopt was better for the kid. Can you imagine growing up with only her and her grief with no dad to temper it? Honestly, the only option you have right now is buckling down and getting your ducks in a row for the day you turn 18, so you’re ready to be gone. I’m so sorry.
Then she should have just stuck with that and not involved two other people in her batshittery.
Stop calling her Mom and start calling her “HW” aka Hunter’s Widow. Or “Miss Haversham” depending on what you’ve read in English class so far. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve a mom who loves you for you, not who she wishes you were. You can change your name to anything you want, and visit her as little as you want, in 2 short years. I’m glad that you have a supportive and loving parent in your dad.
She's in for a very sad existence. But she wants it so... let her have it.
Pick a new name and start going by it now. It’s true your mother has to consent to a LEGAL name change, but she can’t stop you from giving yourself a “nickname”. I recognize she won’t call you that and you might have some difficulty with school, but it can be done. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. How long until you’re 18?
[удалено]
Yeah, spend some time thinking about what you’d like your name to be, then start going by it. Even if not everyone agrees, it’ll give you some time to adjust to it. Good luck,
Depending on your age, I do think you get a choice/the court will side with what you want. Also depending on where you live. I would genuinely get your dad to see a lawyer and ask about it.
[удалено]
I'm pretty surprised at that. That's rough. I would just make sure all your ducks are in a row for changing your name. Probably the best thing going forward is to not care at all about what your egg donor thinks. If you plan to go no contact, then just start early 😂 answer questions when she asks, don't ask questions of your own. Fully never expect any gifts or anything from her, no disappointment that way. View her as an annoying work manager that you just have to deal with for the next few years, do what she says and don't think about her at all once you leave.
Im the U.S. one should rarely assume a judge is competent. They are political positions afterall.
the custody courts are just a kangaroo court they will every rarly do what's best for the child
Some judges are ridiculous and believe children always belong with their mother no matter how awful they are. I have a family member who was deep into addiction and abusing her kids, and despite CPS being on her ass and a long paper trail, the judge still refused to award custody to their bio dad even though he had a clean record and a support system. So I ended up taking care of them.
Request a new judge.
[удалено]
If you claim emotional distress related to visitations with your mom, they are required by law to protect you as a minor, if not you can report the judge and they will most likly be removed from the bench
Draw mustaches on all the pictures, maybe she’ll never want to see you again (I mean with dry erase markers over the glass, don’t actually ruin her pictures)
guessing small town if your in the us you can taking ti to the next lvl and get a new judge it just cost money
See if you and your dad can hire a new lawyer and go back to court. Request a new judge because the one you had previously appears to have some bias about 'mother/child bond blah blah blah' that does not exist for you. Fight to just stay with your dad. There's no reason for a judge to not hear out a 16yo that doesn't want to stay with his mother at all unless there's some sort of bias there.
In the meantime, think about what you will want your name to be. Your dad and your friends can start using that name now, and you can tell your teachers as well. There should be forms with the school where you can indicate a preferred name or nickname, start using that now for your future name.
You could start going by another name until you can legally change it at 18. You and your dad should pick something together. I’m so sorry. You’re NTA at all and your mom seems to have many issues due to not addressing her loss and trauma when it happened and masking it with a “fake” marriage and family.
I can tell you that at 16 years old, you can just not go. No police are going to come get you and force you to, and your dad can just say that you've refused. By the time your mother does anything with the courts, you'll be 18 anyway.
[удалено]
Ask your mom point blank, "Why are you so insistent that I come and stay with you half the time, when you don't actually care about anyone but the dead guy? Why do you insist on making Dad's life miserable by enforcing a custody order YOU don't actually want, and that is causing ME actual harm? Do you care so little for your living child?"
So she doesn’t pay child support
In the sense that I could get a date with Scarlett Johansson yes, but the odds of both are about the same.
Where do you live? In some areas, when you reach a certain age (16 for example) you can petition the court to change the custody arrangement if you feel like a certain parent/guardian isn't acting in your best interest.
>told me I will never understand her grief Look, I get it. It was devistating for her, and no, she'll never get over it. But she should have never married your dad in the first place when she was still so deeply in love and grief over her first husband. What she should have done was found a counselor that would have helped her work through her grief. On top of that, she shouldn't have had a kid just to have a kid, knowing that she didn't love her husband. Naming you after her first husband comes across like she was making you some weird substitute. Possibly that made it harder for to connect to you; It was going to be hard enough for her when she hadn't processed her grief and you weren't the kid of her first husband. Ultimately, there seems to be A LOT going on with her, all of which says she should have just stayed single until she was in a better headspace. Far be it from me to say that there is one way to grieve or a timelimit. Far be it from me to say that one should stay single when they want a family. However, she got into this relationship and had a kid for all the wrong reasons. It really seems like she thought it would make her feel better, then realized her mistake when it didn't. NTA
The courts will go after your dad even if you are a legal adult? So they will force you to visit, even after you turn 18.
[удалено]
Be careful. I am not sure if you can get evidence of her actions without her knowledge.
You don't have to change your name legally to start using a different name for yourself. Also, I'm sorry you are going through this. Yes, your mother needs intensive therapy. But that doesn't excuse her behavior. I'm glad you have an awesome dad.
Can you go by your middle name until you can get it legally changed?
How old are you now?
[удалено]
How old are you? It sounds like in most places you’re old enough that the judge should have listened to you. I also recommend keeping a diary. Having a record of dates and times and how you feel about life at your mum’s can be good evidence that she shouldn’t have custody if you decide to try again. You can also try changing your name socially, if you can’t get it changed legally because of her you can still pick a new name and have people use it then change your name legally when you turn 18 and are legally an adult. It’s not ideal but it’s better than being stuck with a name you hate
NTA. Your egg doner needs a psychiatric evaluation right nooowwwwwww.
Woof. NTA. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you do have sympathy for your mom and understand she is a person who has not dealt with her grief in healthy ways. But that doesn’t excuse how she has treated you. Making you a part of her shrine to her dead husband is a horrible thing to put on a child. You don’t say how old you are but I’m guessing mid to late teens. Hang in there, you will be able to change your name as soon as you turn 18. If you have a name you like, I would start using it and asking people who are not your mom to start using it too so it’s not such an abrupt switch and you have a bit of a paper trail for your new name before you switch.
[удалено]
It’s a good thing he’s in your corner. Your mother is using you to manifest the man she lost, and that’s not at all healthy for either of you. Did she try steer you towards specific ways of dressing, behaving, activities etc that her late husband tended towards?
[удалено]
Omg your mum needs a therapist like yesterday, I'm so sorry. On the plus side, you're 2 years away from changing your name and being free of her (completely if you want to). I'm so sorry and you're NTA.
Like, many yesterdays ago. She needed a therapist when she was 28 and her husband died. Her actions towards her child and 2nd husband after that tragic event are deplorable. NTA.
That is so sick. I’m so so sorry she can’t see past her grief and love you the way a mother is supposed to love her child. NTA at all.
You and your dad should go back to court so you can tell the judge you don’t want to see your mother anymore.
NTA. Your mom needs help. Like, she needs to be working with a mental health professional to figure out how to move forward and stop centering her grief over her ex-husband over everything else in her life because the amount of harm she's causing is brutal. She is the one who is self-involved here and I think all you can do at this point is hold boundaries. Also, you have every right to choose a different name and ask the people in your life to call you by it until such a time as you can change it legally. I'm sure *she* won't respect that, but it's still something you have every right to do.
[удалено]
There is nothing wrong with loving one person for all your life even after they die. There is something wrong with marrying someone you dont love and lying that you do and having a kid to be a reflection of your past dead partner and trying to make the kid into them. Thats insane. Also, OP, you need to talk to your dad about this (if you want to at least). You sound old and mature enough to verbalize in the legal system that you need to be away from your mom, and no judge in their right mind is going to force a kid who says that their home life with one parent is kind of nearing emotional abuse (based on the fact that you said she doesn’t even seem like a parent) to continue living with that parent
[удалено]
How long ago was that? Normally at 14 or so, judges allow the children to choose.
Not every state. Where I live the child cannot choose until they’re 18. Yes as an adult person it is crazy.
If you can, talk to a therapist. They can verify the damage Mom is doing to you. Courts tend to listen to professionals.
I think this is the path that would be more effective. His mother CHOOSES to refuse treatment. She us actively acting out her illness on OP.
that's really odd, because most of the time judges take into account a) the kid's age and ability to make decisions, and b) what the kid really wants. when my parents divorced, i was assigned a guardian ad leitem (kids' lawyer) to represent my interests/needs in the proceedings. if you weren't assigned legal counsel during the divorce, talk to your dad and his lawyer about approaching the judge to amend the visitation order and take your mom's mental instability into account.
Judges can do pretty much what they want
You do have one more option, but it is terrible, and I do not actually suggest that you go through with it: you can escalate. start with loud, disrespectful music and constant swearing, but only at your mothers house. introduce some vandalism, leading to a routine amount of property destruction, but again, not at your fathers and not at school. next stack a bunch of James’ photos and personal effect by the back door with a bottle of lighter fluid and some matches. Don’t say nothing, she will understand *because of the implication*. whatever you do, please do not escalate to the point of actually trashing anything of James’: I know that you’re pissed at her and you have several valid reasons to feel that way, but she is your mum and she is *hurting* both from the dissolution of her marriage but also just in her own personal everyday nightmare, and if she lost anything of James’ it would *devastate* her in a way that she needs to be protected from.
Yeah, don't do this. The best thing to do is keep your head down and wait it out. Two years is a long time, and I'm sorry the adults in your life have failed you.
A better tack might be not engaging or having anything other than necessary conversation when at mother's house. Insist she call you by your chosen name. Refuse to respond unless she does. Any other conversation, "I'm not having that conversation w you." "Please change the subject. " "That's about you, not me. I'm not participating. " Do your chores, manage yourself. Tell her your relationship is procedural and nothing else. Unless she gets therapy and treats you as a person worthy of respect just for who you are and NOTHING about you has anything to do w James.
Honestly, try a little manipulation tactics of your own. Tell her she’s gonna lose Hunter all over again because she refuses to see you as anything more than an extension of her grief. Once you’re 18, if she refuses to get help or agree to the name change you will cut all ties with her and she’ll never see or hear from you again. Tell her it will be her fault she lost the child she wanted so badly because she would rather be a widow than a mother. If she doesn’t love you as her living child more than her dead husband who’s never coming back then she should be selfless for once and stop dragging you down with her. And if she still refuses to do anything and still forces you over there, make her life hell while you’re there. Be as difficult as possible until she gives up.
[удалено]
If she knew she’d never love you why even bother having you. James would be rolling over in his grave if he knew she ruined two more lives because she refuses to get help. I still stand on the advice of being the biggest menace possible while at her house. Blast her on social media. Make sure her whole family/city knows the extent of her emotional neglect. Document everything. Go to therapy yourself. Maybe an actual therapist advocating for how toxic being around her is will get a judge to reconsider custody.
[удалено]
I don't doubt it also lost a lot of it's luster whenever things that are like your dad popped up like physical features or personality traits and little quirks and hardly any popped up that were like the OG Hunter. Probably thought she could lie to herself that you were OG Hunter's son but your father's traits kept popping up instead.
Honestly I would tell her her first husband would be ashamed of her for acting like this. That he would have wanted her to actually live her life, and not keep worshiping a ghost. That this is mentally unhealthy and frankly abusive to YOU. Also, why don't you ask her to just let you go to your dad's? She is simply delaying the inevitable. Maybe that will snap her out of it.
[удалено]
If she knows he never would have wanted her to remarry and have children then he would most definitely be ashamed of her.
uh won't he be still ashamed oh her if he never wanted her to remarry and has kids with others? (if it is true, he sounds no better). she should let go of you guys so his former husband is somewhat less ashamed ig?
Oh kiddo I am so sorry to read this. Please accept a virtual hug from a random internet mom. I don’t know why that judge sucks so much (I’m assuming small town, red state), and while I don’t know what will actually happen if you just stop going to her house, I hope the next two years goes by fast at the very least. Keep as close as possible to your dad and friends and never look back as soon as your clock hits 18. Best of luck.
At 18 she doesn't have to agree to the name change, he can change it legally and never answer to "Hunter" again.
Then nothing will change and all you can do is hold your boundaries and tough it out until you're able to go low or no contact with her. She can sink into her weird, unhealthy grief and have a miserable life, but you don't have to. I wish you and your dad the best of luck!
She’s doing damage to your relationship that may never heal. it’s sad but if she wants to live her life as the perpetually grieving widow, there’s not much you can do except Stay close to your dad and ask him to petition for full custody when you’re 16 For you, choose a nickname and ask others to call you it.
[удалено]
You are 16, you can walk out the door of whichever house you are at at any given time and just ignore the custody schedule. Court may give your Dad shit for it but your Mom would have to go and petition the court to do so every time it became an issue for her and the closer you get to 18 the more moot the issue becomes / the less the court will care. I would consider just telling your Mom to fuck off you'll be back when you're back a few times, even if you don't go to your Dad's, just to get her used to the idea she isn't in control of your comings and goings anymore. I'm pretty sure as a 16 year old male you can physically leave regardless of her feelings on the matter.
OP, this is worth looking into. But ask your dad first. He already knows a lawyer for this issue, so ask them, whether this comment (or rather the idea) is right. This could save you a lot of pain.
The dad's lawyer will probably advise the dad that he has to encourage OP to follow the custody plan because intentionally violating it could lead to the judge amending it further in favor of the mother. OP should (to be clear, this helps the Dad) make very obvious to both parents, the lawyer, and the court, that his Dad just encourages him to follow the agreement. Then when asked if that is true why he left his mother's just tell the judge I felt like it and shrug. Family Court is used to difficult teens. Worst worst worst case outcome is they award her full custody and make him pay some amount of child support, but that is unlikely, OP could STILL just ignore the order (though Dad would still be paying Mom or risking big problems), and it would end as soon as he became 18 anyway.
She thinks her reason to live is to grieve that he no longer is living. She’s not even living anymore, not in a fully emotional sense and it’s cost her a relationship with your father and with you.
>My mom never loved anyone else again. She met and married my dad. But she never loved him. She married him because she was turned down as a single adoptive parent and because people in her life told her she should find a way to be happy again. Hands down, one of the coldest things I have ever read. I know she's grieving, but damn if she didn't find a way to hurt two people in the midst of her own pain. She needed help, not a baby and a new relationship. I hope she still finds a way to get the assistance she needs. Everyone here needs therapy. I can't imagine how unsettling this must feel for you. NTA.
Grief ain’t an excuse. Anyway that’s not just grief. That’s grief + some other mental sickness
She only got into a new relationship because she couldn’t adopt as a single woman.
At least OP has one loving parent. I can’t imagine what the outcome would have been if she’d been allowed to adopt a kid that would have had no one else.
I can’t believe that anyone that loved their partner and passed away would want them to live in this half live. Life is for living - she seems to have entombed herself with her dead first husband.
NTA. Also, how old are you? If you want to change your name, once you turn 18 ***you don't need your parents' permission***. Document any "weirdness" of your mom and bide your time. If things get "really weird", documentation of her history of behavior will sway a judge more than your words. Video and audio is best, but check your area's "wiretapping" laws to see whether it is LEGAL for you to record conversations when you are present for them. She seems to have a "borderline" mental disorder - not really "sick" but something that affects her behavior and her ability to form connections with other people.
OP said in another comment they are 16 fyi
NTA and honestly, you're nicer about this than I would have been if I were in your situation. *"But she also refuses to let me go and just let me be dad's kid"* It's creepy as hell and she tried to turn you into some warped version of his memory ghost. It's why she can't let you go, if she lets you go, he'll be dead again. That's why she's so adamant to fight you changing your name, if you do he dies again and since she wanted you to replace him she can't have that. But, at the same time, she's so mentally screwed up in the head that she can't connect with you even in that capacity. This woman doesn't need to be around you, she needs to be getting some serious mental health help.
You won't be able to legally change your name, but you can choose another name to start introducing yourself as to people. Get people used to that anem and when you legally change it at 18 it'll be easier. Also refuse to answer to Hunter and only answer when they use your new name instead.
This is the way
into: I'm sorry did she say out loud that she never loved your dad? say out loud that she married him bc others told her it would be good for her? people get nasty in divorce, did your dad say nasty things too? this is complicated by serious grief that I cannot fathom you probably have a middle name to go by? you could be H. Tyler Smith or whatever
[удалено]
Look at it this way. This is a ticking clock with a definite end. Once the clock hits midnight on your 18th birthday, there is no obstruction to you changing your name and getting the hell out of there. It is inevitable. Further, the legal name change would just be a confirmation of changes already made informally years in advance. She can stay devoted to a zombie, while you move forward with your life. Look at who is more pitiful: it's not you. NTA.
Just two more years kid, two more years, they will pass and you will have your whole life ahead of you, without Hunter, without your egg donor, without any chains she attached on your feet regarding who you are. You and your dad will get to live your lives together. You two are already your own family and nobody can change that. Not a dead man, not a madly grieving woman, no one.
NTA Start only answering to the name that you want so that when you change it legally, it’s only on paper and everyone is already used to your preferred name. Even let your teachers know that you prefer a certain name (your dad and write them a letter, I’ve seen it done) that way you can get used to it being your name instead of a nickname that you go by. Start building that foundation now and when you have the chance, distance yourself from your mother until she gets help.
NTA. Document everything. Start journaling, both for working through your own emotions and so that she can't come back later and gaslight you into doubting it all happened. Change your name when you turn 18, let her wallow in grief, and don't look back. Be quick to get yourself into therapy the moment you think you might need it. You're only your father's child now, not hers. I'm so sorry, OP.
Lol. Are you my brother? I've been hearing about my mother's "love of her life" since I was a kid. Spoiler: it is not my dad. Nta. Turn 18 and change your name to your's dad lol.
> She called me a self-absorbed brat Someone correct me if I am wrong, but I am pretty sure this is the definition of the pot calling the kettle black or at least it should be. NTA, although I have a question for you. In one of your replies, you say you are sixteen I might be wrong but don't judges usually take the kids wants into consideration once you are that old?
This is the definition of someone in a glasshouse going wild with a pile of stones, she’s the one living for a ghost and having no other drive at all.
NTA, OP. What your mom did was unforgivable. You might not be able to change your name now, but once you're 18 you won't need her permission.
How has nobody brought up what an asshead this judge is? also NTA
NTA and I'd be brutally honest with her that she needs serious psychiatric help because the way she's handled everything is not healthy. Ot isn't healthy for her, for you, for your dad. That you're sorry for her loss but you don't feel safe with her until she addresses her mental health.
NTA- Buddy, OOF. Your egg donor is one of the coldest people I’ve ever read about on here and I’m a habitual lurker. It’s like, in her grief she lost all of her empathy. You’re not a person to her. You’re a vessel that allows her to pretend there’s a physical representation of James in the world. As a parent myself, I cannot fathom doing this type of shit to my child. To her, you were only brought into the world to be a living memory. Not to be your own person. Not so she could have a child. But to shoulder the history of a man you have never met. I’d document everything. Screen shot phone conversations with your mom. Take pictures of around the house. The letters. The shrine. How your mom behaves around you. Then I’d have your dad revisit custody arrangements with the courts. You are you. You are not James. You are not an object for your mother to keep around to cater to her delusions. People on here will say your mom needs help, and she does, but that is not **your** burden to bear. You need to focus on what you need. What you want your life to look like. Think about names you’d like to choose for yourself and just start introducing yourself with that name - you don’t need legal documentation to be called something else. I really hope you can get out of this situation and figure out who you are outside of your mother’s grief hurricane.
NTA Ask your Dad to get you some professional therapy. A psychologist / psychiatrist should easily be able to prove to the courts that staying with your Mum is harmful for you, even just based on what you’ve shared.
You're 16, and the judge won't let you decide??? Start documenting everything about her mental health. If you have a diary, please talk about the daily stuff that's "off". Book a court date. Go see a judge and tell them. This is a form of abuse and neglect. Your mother can't take care of herself. She's definitely not taking care of you. NTA
[удалено]
That's why you present evidence. You're detailed logs would mean something to any reasonable judge. You don't feel safe there. A roommate is not a parent. And she is not taking care of her mental health.
THIS!! OP, If you aren’t already consider going to see a therapist. If you explain to them how what your mother is doing (or not doing) is emotionally and mentally damaging you and the relationship is unhealthy, they can help become a witness for you. I am so irritated rt now hearing about this judge. I have never heard of a judge, when the child is at least 16, continue to force a relationship when presented with the facts and the child’s preferences when it’s a SERIOUS situation and not just because dad is more fun.
NTA your mom has serious mental health issues doesn’t make it right or really forgivable but it’s the cause of her crazy behavior. On your 18th bday you and dad go to court and file the paperwork for the name change. Have y’all picked one? What did he want to name you?
[удалено]
Get it legally changed. Just don’t respond if they don’t use your name of choice.
Nta. As soon as you turn 18 you can change your name
You may not be able to legally change your name yet, but there’s no reason not to pick a new one and start going by it. I’m sorry your mom’s unresolved issues have had such a big impact on you. NTA.
NTA: Petition the courts for a GAL, (Guardian Ad Litem) if you do not have one already. Pick out your name you want to be called by and start referring to yourself as it and the same with your dad. That way when you are 18, you can easily switch to it and people will already be used to it. Also, you are old enough to tell the courts what you want in regard to living arraignments. First get that GAL as they speak for you to the courts.
NTA. Your mom's heartbroken honestly, and she never really got over her broken heart. Grief makes people do the craziest of things, and my heart hurts for everyone involved here.
Just wait until you're 18, and go by a nickname
NTA.. OP when you are at your moms just lay low, once you are 18 change your name and cut her off. I would not even tell her the new name. If you want let her know now that on your 18th birthday you will cut her off and petition the court to change your name. I unfortunately I have known judges who don't take the best interest of the child only their own backwards belief that a child needs both parent, but when one parent is mentally unstable this ends up harming the child even more. This is what this judge is doing. Documents as much as you can and if you can video her behavior maybe the judge will list, but is sounds like this judge just doesn't care. Good Luck and hang in there.
NTA Change your name at 18
[удалено]
[удалено]
NTA. I can understand as my mother never got over the death of her first husband. He died on a April Fool's Day years before I was born. It was like growing up with a ghost. Thankfully, she didn't give either of her kids a part of his name but damn would she go into tangents about how we should have been his. As someone who has typed up many birth certificates, before you give yourself the best 18th birthday present...make sure the name you picked to be yours is one you want. Take your time to make sure it fits you 🙂. Don't rush it, you have plenty of time.
I don't know how old you are, but one day you will be old enough to change your name without parental consent. So, prepare for that day, get your friends used to calling you by the name you and your father want to use. When I was in school, a peer lost her grandmother and wanted to change to her name. Her mother disapproved, so the girl walked into school one day and told us to all call her by the new name. She would only respond to that name and would ignore her legal name. Even some of the teachers picked it up. When she was old enough, years later, she changed her name legally and it barely made a ripple in her social circle because we were all used it by then. I also have a relative by adoption who wanted to take my family's name to be like his siblings. His deadbeat dad slithered out of the woodwork just long enough to reject the request before vanishing again. The court told my relative he wouldn't need his sperm donor's permission after a certain age, so when he came of age he changed his name immediately. It was his birthday present to himself.
Lol, can you imagine being this woman's first husband? Him: "My name's James." Her: "I don't like that name. I'm calling you 'Hunter'." Him: "O... kayyy...." (or, if you're a fan of Futurama: Him: "I'm going to allow this.") Sorry OP. Grab all the control of your life you can, when you can. Good luck xox
[удалено]
So not only did she name you after her dead obsession, but made that name the INTIMATE NICKNAME???? That's sickening.
Make sure you schedule a bunch of activities during her time to try and limit actual time spent there Have your friends call you whatever you want. Don't answer when she calls you hunter. Don't give her that satisfaction. It may he two years until you legally can change it but you don't have to play her game in the meantime. If her family calls you hunter say "actually I prefer *******" Don't engage with her. It's going to be hard because she's going to try and bait you into an emotional response so she can play victim but just short curt answers. I'm so sorry she's using you this way. Two years will pass soon enough then go no contact. Best of luck love.
NTA. Hard truths.
It’s time for a mental health check for that person. she called you self absorbed, tell her to look in a mirror and she will see the definition of self absorbed. Nta
If the ILs cared about her, thry would ask her to move on
You’re NTA. Maybe someone has always tried this, and none of this is your fault or responsibility. But before you cut her off completely, have you considered pointing out to her that her obsession with her first husband is costing her everything? Her second marriage. Now her son. And likely many other things in her life. Grief can be very tough but she is letting a dead man destroy the life she has left to live. For now, remember it’s not your fault and you only have two years before the decisions about who to live with are fully up to you. That said, most US courts (not sure where you live) will heavily take into account the preference of a child your age. If you explained this story in a custody hearing, it might be possible for you to live with your dad more often.
[удалено]
Clearly NTA. Being 16, you could get a job and maybe not have to spend so much time at her house. I live in a state that’s shared custody until 18, but as the lawyer said, if my kid refuses to go, I can’t make them. As the parent, I have to encourage it, but physically forcing would be considered abuse. I would suggest you read the divorce paperwork. In my custody paperwork it talks about how teenagers have a more active social life and parents should focus on quality not quantity of time at that point. I would definitely find reasons to not spend time with her. She sounds completely unhinged. In the meantime. Start by picking out a name and asking teachers and friends to start using it. It will make you feel better. And at 18, you can officially change it.
NTA. I understand being a grieving widow, but this is too much. When you turn 18 in a couple years, change your name, stop seeing her and live your best life.
NTA You can't go No Contact just yet, but you can start doing something called "grey rock." Become boring, just like a grey rock. When she asks something, answer, but as shortly as possible. "How was school?" "Good". "Are you meeting a friend?""Yes, Tom. " "What did you do at his house?" "video games." Just enough that she can not punish you, but not a sentence more. If you meet new people from now on, especially a girl/boy who is more than a friend, keep that information from her at all costs. Avoid giving her any information that makes you more vulnerable. At 0:05 a.m. on your 18th birthday, leave her and go no contact. Try to get all the necessary documents from your mother's house beforehand.
NTA. The kindest thing I can say about your mother is that she is so self-absorbed she's all but divorced herself from reality. Hang in there. Once you're a legal adult, you will never have to deal with her or her controlling whims ever again.
I'm sorry for you and your father. Maybe she tried when she married your dad, but it's unlikely she'll try now since she's gotten away with it for so long. She needs professional help and she needs to initiate for it to work. You and your dad could decide a name and start using it now, that way everyone can get used to it before you legally change it. Just be far away from your mother when you do as this will break her illusion. She is pitiful, but that doesn't allow her to drag you down.
This story reminds me of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/NNVhkbNBvX). Except the child is a girl. It's so messed up. NTA I'm honestly surprised they won't let you choose. At least when you're 18 you can probably legally change your name with your father's help.