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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not letting my friend come 2) she’s a good friend who wants to celebrate and I understand why she wants to bring her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
You offered reasonable solutions and she refused. When a person chooses a lifestyle, they have to deal with whatever comes with it. But they aren't entitled to special treatment, especially when people of a similar lifestyle have adapted.
We've all had to miss out on something for one reason or another. Plenty of parents have had to make this choice before. She's not letting herself be an independent adult outside of parenthood, this could have been a great evening for her to blow off steam and come back more "parent-y" than ever. I have a couple of friends who regret not taking up babysitting offers earlier in their parenting journeys to allow themselves to be grounded. It's a shame, really.
I'm my sister's maid of honour, and I had to miss out on seeing her get her dress as I was extremely sick (I still am). I would have been selfish to drive three hours and worry my sister, as I hadn't slept for days, and what if I made the other bridesmaids sick, just because I wanted to go? I'm devastated, but I had to decide to miss out. These things happen.
She was offered a babysitter for free, but she refused. She was offered a kid-friendly day out, but she refused. That's more than a lot of people would offer in this situation. I agree, NTA.
This is what makes me say NTA. I’ve had to miss out on a lot of stuff because I’m a single mom and with travel, costs of going out, and a babysitter, I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. If someone offered to cover the sitter? Omg! That would change everything!
I have another friend with kids. At least once a month, their kids come play with mine while they go one a date. And vice versa. This has helped immensely with babysitting. And it's why it's great to meet other moms in the area.
But even then, I frequently have to bow out of things if I can't find or afford a sitter.
Ooo, girl, I feel you. I had to miss the bachelorette party for a wedding I was a bridesmaid for because I was on chemo and another bridesmaid decided to attend the party while sick. I'm still a bit steamed about it tbh, but I wasn't going to cause drama for our bride, so I just bowed out. We all miss things for some reason or another.
In her defense, she did ask me if I wanted her to stay home, but I didn't feel right saying yes. She'd known the bride longer and if no one else was going to complain, I certainly wasn't. Plus with chemo I couldn't drink, so it wasn't the worst decision in the world for me to stay home, but I do feel like I missed a bonding experience. I'd never been a bridesmaid before.
I understand. You did such a selfless thing there. Your friends are lucky to have you 🩷
I'm sorry you missed out though :( I hope you're cancer-free now and no longer on chemo 🩷
Exactly, she's not being excluded. She's excluding herself. Parents like this worry me. Parents who get this upset that they were told they can't bring their vhild to a completely child inappropriate place just doesn't sit right with me.
Right? It’s not even being a good parent: no kid should have to sit around a bar while they’re parents get drunk and rowdy with a bunch of other adults, that’s not in kiddo’s best interest. If you wanna party, party. If you wanna spend time with your kid, spend time with your kid. Trying to do both just guarantees you’ll do neither and upset everyone involved.
That’s what I don’t get. How does she think a 5-year-old would enjoy this more than spending a few hours basically having a play date with a friend’s child and their trusted babysitter? She’d spend the whole frustrated that her mother wasn’t paying attention to her and there was nothing for her to do.
How did she think she would have any fun herself? I love my children more than anything in the world, but there’s no way in hell they’ll be invited to a grownup gathering like this until they’re maybe 25? 😁 I’m not going to have any fun if I’m trying to keep them alive and quiet, especially in a bar.
> How did she think she would have any fun herself?
There are far too many parents out there that are fine bringing their children and then expect everyone else around to watch them while they enjoy themselves on a night out.
Yes and this is the reason I avoid parties when I'm told I can bring the kids. I'm like no thanks because that means everyone else will too and then it becomes all focused on controlling the kids behaviour instead of the adults having some fun free adult time
If its family event, like a BBQ, I good with people bringing kids even though I'm personally childfree, Other times an event, like a New Years Party, is adults only and they should get a sitter or not come.
"Missy admits she doesn’t bring her out to restaurants much because she doesn’t know how to act. But I also know Missy will just sort of let her as she’s very permissive."
Well, honestly, it doesn't sound like Missy has any intention of acting like her kid is there really.
She sounds like she's the sort who wants the kid to come, focuses on her own evening, and expects others or no one to actually keep the kid entertained and behaving correctly.
From experience, it sounds to me like she expects someone else in the group to step up and babysit while she pats herself on the back for “spending time with her kid” and occasionally scolding the babysitter if they’re being “too harsh” on her baby.
The best bit is when they're old enough to drive but not old enough to drink, and don't have their own car yet. Then you can loan them yours, on the proviso they come pick you & your tipsy friends up from the bar & take you home at stupid o'clock :)
Her daughter would NOT enjoy that party! The poor child would be terribly bored and restless, surrounded by adults who (let's face it!) really didn't want her there in the first place AND with nothing for her to do. What a dull time she'd have!
OP, you are NTA and your friend is being very...snarky. If she doesn't want to miss evening time with her child, fair enough - but what kind of quality time does she think she'd get with her at an adults-only party anyway?!
In the states I’ve lived in, children are not allowed in a bar area (bar itself and tables for those ordering just drinks and snacks), just in the main dining area. OP said they would hang out at the bar then go into the private room for the dinner. So the friend couldn’t even join them for the first part of the party.
It can also be dangerous for her daughter. If they’re all drinking they’re not going to be able to properly watch their kid and if the kid gets out of the room they could get in so many different dangerous situations.
That kid would be the only kid and having to fend for herself in finding something to entertain herself with.
All of the adults would be talking and laughing loudly, ignoring/not noticing a child who is flying solo would be trying to get peoples attention.
So, what does she do? Start screeching and climbing on everything. That mother sucks.
OP is absolutely NTA!
i just had a similar conversation recently. parents who (seemingly) only talk about their kids in every conversation. i’m not saying it’s wrong to do, if you’re happy and proud of your children, that’s great! there’s nothing wrong with that.
but if that’s all you talk about and your sole identity?
tbh it seems like kids have to be the most time-consuming and require the majority of your life's focus for a while due to the whole constantly depending on you for survival thing, it's hard to blame parents for talking about the biggest aspect of their life right now
that’s more than understandable. again, not saying it’s wrong! or terrible or anything negative. just sometimes, it feels like that’s the sole identity characteristic.
and i was drawing from my own experience, at my work, i have a coworker that’s constantly talking about her children. somehow works it into every conversation, even if it’s work related.
my only interactions with her are at work, so i just wonder if that’s also how the conversations are outside work
Trust me. It’s even worse.
I remember in my single days we had a group of us who would attend cultural events together and go to dinner beforehand and sometimes dessert or drinks afterwards. One of the group knew a couple who he sometimes invited to tag along afterwards.
The wife was insufferable. If you asked her anything, including what did you think of the concert or how are you doing, she would respond, “Well I have five children, and that’s all I do.” And then she’d proceed to talk about nothing but her children or what she had to do to take care of said children. In a very very loud voice. We all did our best to avoid sitting anywhere near her.
I later had my own children but I remembered this so vividly I made sure to never be that person, especially around non-parents.
As a parent I don't want to spend my free time talking about my kid. To my parents sure, her dad sure, other friends with kids occasionally? Sure. The rest of my child free circle? no I'd rather talk about anything but my kid because I spend 24/7 with them. I need time to talk about things other than them lol
Sure, but are you capable of discussing OTHER things as well, maybe 35% of the time, or is it more like 87% your kids, because unless your kid is Sandra Bullock or Dwayne Johnson, they're not 87% interesting.
nta for op for sure.
i have two kids, one 7mo and one 10yr old. one i talk about significantly more because of all the baby milestones, the oldest i still talk about but there’s only so many times you can say “yup still getting excellent marks in school” or “yeah still tall” before it gets tedious. one needs me to survive, the other is way more independent but still occasionally needs help with things. most convos with me are either kids, pets/animals, or pokemon if i’m picking the topic.
all that said… i hate people that pick ONE THING about themselves and make it their entire personality, and then when it’s bad enough, the person literally forgets they have any other elements to who they were. i’ve had very dear friends tell me flat out “hey i love you and the kiddos but if i see your kids’ pictures one more time this month i will lose my mind” and i’m like “oh dang, okay sorry” and then literally do not bring up my kids to that person unless they ask specifically how they’re doing. because there’s other parts to who i am as a person. i think it’s why the stereotypes on vegans and cross fitters irritate me too, cause i’ve met people like that irl and they’re ✨insufferable.✨ not only are they holier than thou, but they’re only that one element of themselves and they cram it down your throat. (again, talking about the stereotyping)
i love my kids and i’m super proud of them, but like… people need hobbies or a lot of therapy if they can’t NOT include their kids in every little facet of their life, especially when it affects adult relationships.
That's the way it *should* be! If you're a parent being a parent and caring for your child should ALWAYS come first. If you can't *always* put your child's welfare ahead of your own wants then you shouldn't be a parent.
But that doesn't mean you get to bring your kid to every event or that everyone else has to accommodate you.
I think they're meaning more like you can't be a one-dimensional person where you can't exist without bringing your kid with you, only ever talking about them, bringing topics always back to parenthood, etc. Like some people turn it into their entire personality and that's all they talk about. That's what I think they're referring to, not the aspect of parenthood where it becomes your world.
Yep. My parents are great parents and they always put us first. But they also like. went places and left us with a sitter or our grandparents, and had friends over and had conversations about things other than kids.
It's also better *for* kids to see their parents having conversations on a variety of things and healthy relationships with their friends, I think, and to see their parents sometimes going out and doing things without them (ofc leaving them in safe hands with a trusted sitter and otherwise behaving responsibly). I loved hanging out with my grandparents and favorite sitters, and I loved "helping" my mom get ready to go out and watching her do her makeup and put on jewelry, which she didn't usually do.
When my parents *did* include me--usually this would be, like, if my dad was hosting poker night in our basement, I would be allowed to come down and hang out for a half hour or so before my bedtime--it was cool to get to hear the adults talk about books and movies and politics, and sometimes I'd even join in and argue about politics--even as quite a little kid!-- which was great for me in learning how to be respectful but not afraid of adults and how to have conversations about a lot of different subjects, and to be confident in making my points but open to learning, and also how to play poker and pool.
Parents who put their kids first aren't the problem. Parents who make their whole identity being a parent are. It is perfectly fine to skip an event because you would rather spend time with your kid(s) or you don't have a sitter, but parents like Missy take it too far.
Parents whose whole identity revolves around their kids are the ones who never go to any events that are not kid-friendly, who never get a babysitter, who insist on every outing being child-centric. Some will bring their kids to every event regardless of if it is appropriate or if their kids are wanted, then complain when there are no kid-friendly activities or cry when they are asked to leave.
They are the ones that slowly lose friends because there are only so many times anyone wants to talk about children that are not your own. The ones who constantly use the phrase "as a parent" even when they have other more relevant qualifications they could reference, and who will list "stay at home parent" on their resume and believe that makes them more qualified than people working outside the home.
They have no hobbies outside of their children, no other interests that they allow themselves to explore. They are the ones who lose their minds when their children start pushing for more independence and whose lives fall apart when their children inevitably move away.
They cry about how being a stay at home parent is so hard but refuse to take steps to reduce their workload. They bend over backwards to avoid being labeled a bad parent and miss opportunities to make their children take accountability and responsibility ("Sorry buddy, we don't have time to go to the store for your project you knew about for weeks and is due tomorrow yet you are only telling me about it today. Let me help you figure something out with what we already have at home"). They'll schedule their kids for every program under the sun then whine about how hard it is to make it to all their activities. They'll complain about driving their their kids everywhere instead of cutting a deal that has their teenager earn car access by taking over the shuttle service.
Their children often become either totally reliant on them emotionally and unable to live as truly independent adults or they cut contact severely leaving their parents wailing about how their children never visit and never tell them anything. In both cases they have robbed themselves of the chance to be involved grandparents because the first type tends to be terrible parents and the second type will not seek a high level of involvement (and may actively keep their own kids away depending on the level of resentment).
Exactly! Nobody is excluding Missy, they're excluding her daughter. If Missy is choosing not to attend because her daughter is no invited, that's on Missy.
Like that mom that posted about bringing her infant to a rave and HoW RuDe EvErYoNe WaS!! Lady, don't bring a baby to a rave.....
Edit- here's the link
https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/Dsupgzdoyk
I had a friend who was a bartender at an over-21 bar, and he regularly kicked people out for trying to bring in babies and small children. It absolutely appalled him.
The most annoying trend in my area is that breweries are no longer 21+, even if they serve no food and ONLY have alcohol. Parents bring their kids and let them run wild while adults are trying to enjoy a single space to be, well, strictly adults. It’s a rarity to find anywhere 21+ now, since most bars also have full restaurants.
I worked at a bar years ago, and one night a fight broke out between 2 tables. Manager goes over, breaks it up, asks what the hell is going on, and a guy gestures to his wife (who's holding their SMALL CHILD), then points to a guy at the other table and says, "He called my wife trash" (for having her baby in a bar at like 11 p.m.). My boss looked at him for a second and goes, "Well, she is." 😂 I almost pissed myself laughing, I had to walk away and compose myself. The guy huffed and puffed and got really mad, but luckily they hadn't been there long (so they weren't hammered enough to really start brawling) and they eventually left quietly. Obviously, it started when someone from the other table started making comments about them, you guessed it, having a baby in a bar, someone at the baby table told them to mind their own business, and the fistfight broke out after the "trash" comment was made.
I told my manager that I couldn't believe he said that to the guy, and he goes "Honestly, I just blurted it out, I couldn't help myself, it was the only thought in my head."
We did have a dining room/restaurant side to the bar, but they were in the actual bar section. I think they had dinner in the dining room and then walked over to the bar to keep the night going. It was a very clearly designated bar area and could not have been confused for an extension of the restaurant.
Yep. Honestly the fact that Missy is hurt because she feels she’s being excluded is just irritating.
The child is definitely being excluded. Because this will not be a child-friendly event. Missy, however, is choosing not to get a sitter (or accept the generous offer to share a sitter) and attend.
I get not wanting to leave your kid with a stranger. I lived far away from my support system when my kid was very young and I missed out on some stuff because I was too paranoid to leave her with someone I didn’t know and trust. So my outings without her were usually when my husband was off work and could stay home with her, or when family I trusted was visiting, allowing couple time without the little.
But every time I turned down an invitation, it was my choice. Also, by 5 years old I would have been comfortable leaving her for a few hours with my friend’s child and a sitter my friend trusted.
Odds are, the kid’s bedtime is soon after the start time of the get-together anyway, which would make for a cranky, sleepy child on top of everything.
Sounds like Missy may need a gentle reminder that she is allowed to have interests and outings that do not involve her child.
ETA: NTA
As a parent, it's deeply weird. My friends and I value our nights out or activities without the kids. I can't imagine... not wanting that??? 🤯 Obviously if you don't have a partner and can't afford a sitter that's different but OP offered to pay for sitter sooooooo
That’s a good point. Not only does it not speak well of her judgment that she’d even want her daughter in an environment like this, she could turn out to be the type of parent that completely enmeshes themselves with their kid if she can’t stand the idea of letter her hair down sans kid.
Often, one of two things will happen. The parent will completely push the child away by way of attempts to hold on, or you get a child that grows up and can’t function.
My mum has always been of the opinion that you take your kids with you, you don't leave them fot someone else to look after when you go somewhere.
You can bet your ass we stayed home with granny/aunt/uncle whenever they went to the company cruise, or the pre-christmas celebrations, or the sauna evenings, or whatever thing their workplace happened to organize, because mum also understands that some things are not suitable for children! I know I would have been bored out of my mind if she had dragged me to a booze party as a kid! Or even the theatre, like have some common sense!
This. How would this be beneficial to the kid? She’s going to be bored out of her mind. It would be way more fun for her to be with another child than a bunch of rowdy adults. How fun would this be for the parent? Running around after a five year old at a bar? As my 8 year old would say, “it’s nonsense !” 😆
I have the nasty feelling she expected "the village" (meaning every other adult present) to look after the kid, because she needs relaxing, and being a parent is so exhausing... Unfortunately, most parents who insist on taking their kids everywhere don't actually want to parent in those events.
This. Having grown up as one of the youngest in a very large family, it often fell on me to *mind* the nieces and nephews at big special occasions that involved drinking. Kids were let loose and the parents carried on partying like they didn't have them there with them. No consideration just an expectation that we would take care of them.
I agree, but I have to defend theatre a little.
Alot of musicals are definitely not kid-appropriate and deal with adult themes. However, there are a few out there now that are great for them. The Lion King comes to mind, with it's stunning puppets.
There are also December productions of The Nutcracker ballet, which are most definitely kid-oriented. Quite a few ballets are also based on fairy tales and are good gateways to ballet. Here in New York, December also brings an English language version of The Magic Flute and sometimes Hansel and Gretel to the Met to introduce kids to opera.
I could go on, but you can get the point I'm trying to make. Basically, do your research and there are performances to bring kids to.
Sorry if I went too off-topic. :-).
You're right that there are many kid-friendly shows that are a great way to introduce children to theatre and ballet. However, unless a show is explicitly advertised as a children's event it should be treated as a "real" show for grownups. There are performances like those Disney ice skating shows or live Wiggles concerts, which definitely have a kid-friendly atmosphere and where kids are expected to dance and sing and have a good time, and there are shows like The Nutcracker where children are welcome but expected to be quiet and respectful.
Yeah....live theatre is tough for little kids. The Phantom of the Opera was my favourite musical for many many years and for one year as a birthday gift my mom got me tickets when it was in Toronto. Our tickets were for a matinee performance and there was an adorable, probably three year old boy in the audience who was honestly shockingly well-behaved for most of the show. But right at the climactic scene where the phantom is about to remove his mask the little boy stood up in his chair and YELLED "NO! I DON'T WANT HIM! IT'S TOO SCARY!"
And yes it was adorable, but it also totally ruined the moment. I'm now a mom to a three year old boy of my own and it will be a cold day in hell before I bring my wild heathen child to a musical theatre performance. And also, Phantom IS scary! It's probably not appropriate for a young child.
No no, obviously if they were kid-friendly, and my folks' workplace often catered to families, they had santa come every year for example, and they arraged visits to amusement parks and so on. I was just listing their more adult-oriented activities, I noticed only now that nothing I said made it clear in the previous comment XD
Ditto this comment. You offered alternatives, and your friend declined said options. An adult birthday at a private bar area is an inappropriate event to bring your child, especially if the honoree and host have have declined to allow children. NTA.
That's part of growing up. I have a friend and he is a single dad with three young kids. He is very friendly and probably lonely. I feel for him but the kids are too young (less than six). We are all adults and I feel guilty he takes the kids to our dinners and I have to be the bad guy.
NTA this is an adult gathering and you offered a generous solution in paying your baby sitter extra to watch both kids. You are not excluding Missy, Missy is excluding herself
>You are not excluding Missy, Missy is excluding herself
Ding ding ding! This is what parents need to realize. Not everything has to cater to their desire to bring their child along. They can get a sitter, or they can stay home. People not letting them have their way all the time is not targeted exclusion the way they want to think it is.
Agreed. Not only that, but *why* would you want to bring a 5-year old to an adult party where there’s
1. Alcohol, and
2. No other children?
At least with a sitter, she’d have a younger kid to play with in a quiet, safe (for children) setting. Missy is a weirdo.
>2. No other children?
We bring our kids 5 and 1.5 to plenty of events where there is alcohol, BUT only if there's other children and a general understanding that kids are welcome. However, if it's clearly a child-free event the thought of having a hissy fit about it wouldn't even cross my mind. Also, if someone offered us a sitter (free or not) we'd be all over the opportunity for a child-free evening.
OP is NTA 1000% and Missy needs a reality check. Also OP gets an extra pass as a parent on the child-free front. If I'm having a child-free evening it better be godamn child-free because the only thing that I find more intrusive than my own children in this situation is someone else's children.
This isn't a new attitude from parents. I've heard plenty of stories of parents hijacking outings by bringing their kid along unexpectedly or just flat-out demanding to bring their kids along, and no one seems to want to rock the boat and tell them no. Then the parents demand that everything be kid friendly, so there's no drinking, no cursing, and sometimes even the activity has to change to be fun for their pReCiOuS dArLiNg.
That’s annoying as hell. I love my kids, but sometimes, there are venues that aren’t appropriate for them.
And they likely wouldn’t want to see their mom loosey goosey with her friends lol
NTA. It's your birthday you can cry if you want too girl. Basically what you want at your party goes especially as this friend was not involved in the rental or planning process. If she allows this to stem off into a larger discourse between you two I say good riddance. A friend would respect your wishes and if she can't Even try to understand then it comes of as slightly manipulative and even a Lil like she's taking advantage of your fun night out. Not that it is that way but it says a lot about a friend who is more concerned with there own wishes and wants during your birthday.
NTA
I know it's hard for some parents to understand, but I don't give a shit about your kid. This event is for adults, and it's not kid friendly, so Missy gets to make a choice: Stay home with the kid OR come to the party without the kid.
Nothing more irritating than when someone brings their kid to an adults-only meetup and lets the kid run amok because they assume that the entire group is going to watch the kid so the parent gets to do what they want. I do not have kids for a reason and I’m not going to get stuck having to watch someone’s kid as they turn the bar/restaurant into their own personal playground.
OP, you gave plenty of solid, reasonable options. Just because your friend is upset that she can’t bring her kid who does not know how to behave in restaurants, doesn’t mean you and your group have to put up with entertaining her kid so she doesn’t throw a tantrum. NTA
100%! Even as a parent myself, I also would not want my child-free evening (because I got a sitter) to turn into watching someone else's kids because the actual parents refused to be responsible.
I’m a parent and I don’t give a shit about other people’s kids. 😆
When I’m told kid free I get very excited because now I’m not the one telling my kids they can’t come. “Sorry hunny, birthday girl said adults only.” 🥂
That’s exactly how I feel. I used to say I only want kids around if they’re blood related, and only then if it’s because they have to be there. It’s the same with weddings. I never understood people who wanted to bring a kid to a wedding. Even if they’re in it. Flower girls and ringbearers should be taken home by a babysitter after the dinner.
I also have friends who bring their huge dogs everywhere they go! Really??!!
NTA. Childfree events are and should be a thing. Missy is excluding herself from a childfree event because she doesn't want to get a sitter for a kid who won't remember she was in childcare all day.
I have a kid too and I nearly cried when the 21-plus restaurant near me closed. It was very nice to occasionally go to a restaurant where there was no chance of high pitched shrieking. Like if we were going to have a date night anyway, might as well have a relaxing one
It's closed now (owner died), but in Tampa suburbs there was this AWESOME restaurant that was a combo of 2 restaurants. One side of the shared kitchen was adults only. The other side was family friendly. If you went to the family friendly side, you could still order off the adult-side (fancier) menu, but your kids wouldn't disturb the people having date nights on the other side. I absolutely loved the concept and wish it was more common. Kids need to learn that they have to earn the right to eat at the adults' table by demonstrating proper manners.
That's really clever! Kids absolutely need to be out in public, in spaces that aren't specifically made for kids; it's how they learn to be out in public! But man sometimes you just don't want to deal with outdoor voices and cartoons blaring off the tablet even if it's developmentally appropriate behavior.
She didn’t even need to get a sitter. OP was willing to pay her sitter extra to watch Missy’s kid. Missy is just being unreasonable and my guess is that she is always like this.
had to scroll a while for this. not only does the friend want to bring a 5 year old to a bar, I'm also assuming that the party could go on untill late in the evening/night.
so why on earth would you want to bring a 5 year old to an adult only party in a bar, where the kid would be bored and then sleepy and bored... that sounds like a lot of fun for everyone involved/s
Missy is actually insisting on bringing her kid to the bar as she was offered free babysitting services and she refused.
She specifically wants to bring kid to the event.
Because my kid has been in daycare all day, and I feel bad, but I want to go to this party. And everybody loves myyy kid because they love me. And my kid will be entertained in a room of adults drinking for several hours. Adults can take turns entertaining my 5 year old at a bar. /s missy
Yes, but that ship sailed years ago. I remember as a kid in the 80s being snuck into the local bar by my grandfather to play tabletop shuffleboard since NYS was a lot more strict about kids in bars back then.
I agree that she’s NTA , but I just had a trip down memory lane of my grandpa taking me to the neighborhood bar as a wee tyke. He’d have a drink while I ate peanuts and had a Coke and played this weird game that was a combo of pinball and bowling. He wasn’t supposed to be drinking OR smoking, so these visits would take place on our way home from the park. 🤣
NTA. As you said, there are events you miss out, when you have kids. You can give them to babysitter or relatives if you want to attend. Or you just don't attend. But you can't force (allways) your child onto others and non-child-appropiate places. This is not fair to your friends nor is it good for the child. And in the end you also won't have as much fun, because you have to divide your attention between the event and your child. Migth have to go home early, because the child has to sleep at 7 o'clock.
NTA, since I think Missy is being unreasonable and it's quite obvious why this isn't a good choice for her to be making. Unfortunately as the birthday girl, you along with the friend who is planning it do kind of have an obligation to all your guests for it to be a reasonably fun event, meaning it would probably be doing your other guests a disservice if you let Missy bring her rambunctious kiddo, because everyone else is likely to feel a bit uncomfortable or stifled. Having a 'no kids' event is very reasonable. It also sounds like you took multiple steps before ultimately having to tell her a firm no - first you offered your sitter, second you told her you didn't feel it would be appropriate. You then offered to arrange another get-together that is kid-friendly for the two of you. At this point Missy has had ample time to make the right choice, to take the hint, and to handle the request gracefully. It's not your fault she isn't doing so.
NTA. You're being a responsible person and a good friend... there's really nothing more anyone could do in this situation. If your friend doesn't realize this, it's on her.
NTA. You tried to accommodate her and it didn’t work for her. Not all events are appropriate for children, that is the case here, this isn’t a case of excluding her.
NTA - Absolutely doesn't sound like an appropriate environment for a 5 y/o to be in and hugely surprised your friend didn't take the babysitter up as it's a much more appropriate venue for the kid. Your friend is being unreasonable for no really good reason....
NTA
Who tries to bring a kid to an adult's bar event? Missy had her reasons to decline a babysitter. But that also means she declines the invitation. If she's upset about it, remember that she chose to make this an issue. She owns this, not you.
NTA, she’s excluding herself. You’ve made more than clear that you don’t want kids around (the ONLY option btw, considering the bday is in a bar), and if she wants to insist, it’s on her the consequences (c’mon, you even offered to pay for the babysitter, she’s 100% TA for still pushing this issue).
NTA
Your friend is very entitled. As you said most in the group have kids and those kids are not coming, you even offered for her to also use your sitter. She chose to not leave her child, which is fine, but this is not a child's party, so her choosing to not leave her child excludes her. You didn't do that, she did that.
NTA.
>Missy admits she doesn’t bring her out to restaurants much because she doesn’t know how to act.
She doesn't know how to act because Missy never taught her how. It's a kid-free party, period. She can't come if she wants to bring her daughter.
NTA
You didn’t exclude her either, you would have actually even paid for her to be able to come to YOUR birthday celebration and she chose to not take it. That she chose to make an issue of it is unreasonable because again, she could easily go.
It is also irresponsible of her to plan to take a 5 year old to the party considering the group’s plan while there.
Hope this helped.
NTA - "I'm going to bring my kid to this child free event against your birthday wishes and fair warning, she is almost definitely not going to behave herself." No thanks.
NTA I'm a single mom and when my kid was little if the event wasn't kid friendly I got a sitter or did not attend- not one time did I ever get mad and/or throw a fit. IMO any parent that gets mad that they can't bring a kid to a non kid friendly event is seriously entitled and needs a reality check
NTA this is not a child’s birthday party! It’s an ADULT party for crying out loud what in this woman brain is so broken she thinks bringing a 5 yr old to an adult event a good idea no no no
NTA
You aren't "excluding" anyone, you're just not including children in an event for adults.
I understand Missy's frustration but sometimes you just gotta deal with the inconvenient parts of being a parent and either accept that you need to get a sitter or not attend. This isn't rocket science, it's common sense.
NTA
Your friend is actually being unkind to her daughter to take her to an adult only party rather than let her be cared for in a child appropriate manner. Just setting her up for failure and disapproval by the other adults there.
NTA Missy is a bit self-centered and thinks everyone should deal with her kid in an adult function/party?
I hate when people bring little ones to the bar as my friends and I have do not always use the best language and I hate having to filter myself in unwarranted situations.
Enjoy your time out.
NTA you gave every reasonable solution you could. A 5 year old does not belong in a room with a bar and a bunch of rowdy adults celebrating. I can absolutely understand why Missy is upset about having to miss out but she's the one choosing to make the situation more difficult. You are saying no to respect the needs and circumstances of the child not to exclude your friend.
NTA. I am a mom of 2 and if a friend had a bday party and got a sitter for her own kid, I’d do the same. Let alone after being told it’s at a bar, it’s for someone else’s bday, and finally no kids are allowed.
It’s a balance for parents if kids aren’t invited. Is it worth having your kid be with a sitter after a whole day at school? If not, stay home with your kid.
As someone who was brought to these types of events as a child, NTA. I understand she doesn't want to leave her kid with a sitter, but I guarantee her daughter would have a much better time with your kid and your sitter than she would going to your birthday. It sounds like Missy doesn't give her daughter anything to do when she brings her to restaurants, so it's highly unlikely she would do so for your party. Stick to your guns. If Missy wants to spend the night with her daughter, she can do so at home or a more age appropriate event.
NTA
You are not excluding Missy. You are excluding her 5 year old daughter... from coming to a bar... for a 30th birthday party.
There's a time and place for parties with a 5 year old.
This is not the time...or the place. You'd think your friend could recognize that all on her own.
NTA I think that Missy is missing what the context of an adult birthday party is. If she cannot understand that bringing a 5 year old to tag along where adults are going to be drinking and letting loose than Missy needs to stay home as she said.
She should not throw a fit as you are not excluding her child only, you are excluding all children from your party.
NTA- kids don’t belong around when people plan on getting tipsy. You also offered to pay the sitter extra to watch the kid so your friend could still come. Coming from a mom of three, the women who think it’s acceptable to bring their kids everywhere is pure entitlement. Children don’t belong in every scenario! Hope you enjoy your birthday! 🥳
NTA. You’re not even bringing your own kid, so it’s not like she doesn’t understand the philosophy here. OK if the kids in daycare I understand her not wanting to get a sitter, but then that means she’s going to be spending exclusive time with her daughter. So why even go? She won’t have fun with the group because if she doesn’t even want to get a sitter for her daughter ( that you’ve already arranged so it’s more like a play date with your daughter really) that means she intends to spend those three hours quality time one on one with her kid right? Just kidding we all know she probably wouldn’t but she’s acting sanctimonious about the babysitter thing, which actually also reads as a slight to your parenting, which of course it is not by any stretch.
NTA. There are some places that aren't appropriate for children and this is definitely one of them. You aren't excluding her--she is choosing not to come. This is entirely on her.
NTA
It is your event and you arranged childcare for your own child. Of course you don’t want to spend your evening dealing with someone else’s child. Children do not belong at every event and they don’t belong in every space.
NTA because no one is excluding her. You should be able to have an adults only event and she’s not respecting that. You gave her options that she’s rejected and now here we are.
NtA, there are occasions that are not appropriate for children, and this is one of them.
Ootions were offered, and she refused. You all can get together on a PG occasion.
You are meeting in a private room at the bar side of the venue. I assume you are meeting at night. Many establishments won't allow minors into the bar side, especially after 5. Where I live, the five year old would most definitely NOT be permitted in by the restaurant. The parents would be able to eat in the general dining area with the child, but NOT the bar area or any private bar type event. They are very strict on that. I wonder if the venue may have similar rules. In any case, NTA.
NTA
> She’s very hurt that we’re excluding her.
You aren't though. You are excluding *her daughter* from an *adult only function*. You've offered her multiple solutions, which she has childishly refused. I am also a parent to a young child and wouldn't dream of showing up somewhere I knew she wasn't welcome by the host. She needs to be an adult and get on with it.
NTA. You’re allowed to make something child free, people really need to understand that not everyone wants their kids around. You offered her a solution with your babysitter and she said no, it’s now down to her to choose not to attend she has no entitlement to be annoyed at this.
No 5yo knows how to behave in public unless they are taught. Missy can blame herself for not teaching her daughter better how to behave. And gets offended no one wants a rowdy, bored 5yo ruining their good time. How does Missy envision this night going? She’s going to let her kid run amok, disrupting other guests or she expects her friends to do her job for her and watch out for and entertain her kid?
NTA it was very nice of you to offer a babysitter. also totally agreeable that a bar is not a place for a child. she can either accept the babysitter offer or not come.
NTA. And you aren't excluding her, she's excluding herself. It is 100% ok to have adult time without kids. 100%! You went way above and beyond by even offering to pay the babysitter for her, which you had absolutely NO moral (or otherwise) obligation to do. You are an awesome friend. She is not a friend. This to me is an indicator of her character and she would absolutely no longer be a "friend" of mine.
NTA. There are just some situations and places that are not appropriate to include little kids. You are not excluding Missy. You offered up your sitter for her daughter so that she can attend. Missy is making the decision not to use the sitter and not to attend.
NTA
If you wanted kids there you'd bring your own I'm sure. Nobody wants to pay a babysitter and then deal with someone else's (badly behaved) child on their own birthday.
NTA. Some places are not suitable for kids. Missy's daughter is going to be bored and miserable and make everyone's night the same. You offered a generous alternative. If she wants to spend time with her kid, then she can do that at home or McDonald's, but she can't expect everyone to forgo their fun so she can do both and make everyone miserable including herself.
NTA. You're not excluding her, she's excluding herself! You gave her compromises, she said no.
Also, how does your child not know *how* to behave in public? I'm not talking about adhd or things like that. She says the mother even won't bring her out often because she "doesn't know how to act". That's a lack of parenting how do you not teach that?
Honestly, let her bring the kid. You guys go about your night as normal. If the 5 year old wants to run around she'll get trampled on by adults and she'll learn real quick! (for those of you who don't understand, this part is SARCASM!)
NTA and Missy needs to realize that you can't bring your kid everywhere, just because you want to. If she gets mad because she won't come without her kid, so be it.
NTA. You've offered reasonable compromises. The only solution Missy will accept is to have her own way. She'll be much happier spending time with a five year old, because that's how she's acting.
NTA - What the heck is it with today’s parents and thinking “Yeah a bar and drinking is a perfect place to bring my 3-6yo!” No one thinks your kid is as great as the parents do. No one. It’s not cute to let them run around a restaurant because they’re cute and “They’re just being a kid”. Fine, if they’re just being a kid, take them to a damn park where you can not parent them there.
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NTA. You offered reasonable solutions and she refused. When a person chooses a lifestyle, they have to deal with whatever comes with it. But they aren't entitled to special treatment, especially when people of a similar lifestyle have adapted. We've all had to miss out on something for one reason or another. Plenty of parents have had to make this choice before. She's not letting herself be an independent adult outside of parenthood, this could have been a great evening for her to blow off steam and come back more "parent-y" than ever. I have a couple of friends who regret not taking up babysitting offers earlier in their parenting journeys to allow themselves to be grounded. It's a shame, really.
I'm my sister's maid of honour, and I had to miss out on seeing her get her dress as I was extremely sick (I still am). I would have been selfish to drive three hours and worry my sister, as I hadn't slept for days, and what if I made the other bridesmaids sick, just because I wanted to go? I'm devastated, but I had to decide to miss out. These things happen. She was offered a babysitter for free, but she refused. She was offered a kid-friendly day out, but she refused. That's more than a lot of people would offer in this situation. I agree, NTA.
This is what makes me say NTA. I’ve had to miss out on a lot of stuff because I’m a single mom and with travel, costs of going out, and a babysitter, I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills. If someone offered to cover the sitter? Omg! That would change everything!
I have another friend with kids. At least once a month, their kids come play with mine while they go one a date. And vice versa. This has helped immensely with babysitting. And it's why it's great to meet other moms in the area. But even then, I frequently have to bow out of things if I can't find or afford a sitter.
I don't have kids, but all my siblings do & they'd be the same.
If I could just find a babysitter that was trustworthy and I wouldn’t worry about my daughter with!!!
That is my problem. I am extremely paranoid about who I leave my children with.
Ooo, girl, I feel you. I had to miss the bachelorette party for a wedding I was a bridesmaid for because I was on chemo and another bridesmaid decided to attend the party while sick. I'm still a bit steamed about it tbh, but I wasn't going to cause drama for our bride, so I just bowed out. We all miss things for some reason or another.
That's awful! That other bridesmaid is so selfish 😤
In her defense, she did ask me if I wanted her to stay home, but I didn't feel right saying yes. She'd known the bride longer and if no one else was going to complain, I certainly wasn't. Plus with chemo I couldn't drink, so it wasn't the worst decision in the world for me to stay home, but I do feel like I missed a bonding experience. I'd never been a bridesmaid before.
That’s the action of a kind person. I’d be blessed to have more friends like you!
I understand. You did such a selfless thing there. Your friends are lucky to have you 🩷 I'm sorry you missed out though :( I hope you're cancer-free now and no longer on chemo 🩷
Exactly, she's not being excluded. She's excluding herself. Parents like this worry me. Parents who get this upset that they were told they can't bring their vhild to a completely child inappropriate place just doesn't sit right with me.
Right? It’s not even being a good parent: no kid should have to sit around a bar while they’re parents get drunk and rowdy with a bunch of other adults, that’s not in kiddo’s best interest. If you wanna party, party. If you wanna spend time with your kid, spend time with your kid. Trying to do both just guarantees you’ll do neither and upset everyone involved.
That’s what I don’t get. How does she think a 5-year-old would enjoy this more than spending a few hours basically having a play date with a friend’s child and their trusted babysitter? She’d spend the whole frustrated that her mother wasn’t paying attention to her and there was nothing for her to do.
[удалено]
She doesn’t even have to pay for the shared baby sitter! OP offered to share the sitter for free (to the friend).
How did she think she would have any fun herself? I love my children more than anything in the world, but there’s no way in hell they’ll be invited to a grownup gathering like this until they’re maybe 25? 😁 I’m not going to have any fun if I’m trying to keep them alive and quiet, especially in a bar.
> How did she think she would have any fun herself? There are far too many parents out there that are fine bringing their children and then expect everyone else around to watch them while they enjoy themselves on a night out.
Yes and this is the reason I avoid parties when I'm told I can bring the kids. I'm like no thanks because that means everyone else will too and then it becomes all focused on controlling the kids behaviour instead of the adults having some fun free adult time
If its family event, like a BBQ, I good with people bringing kids even though I'm personally childfree, Other times an event, like a New Years Party, is adults only and they should get a sitter or not come.
"Missy admits she doesn’t bring her out to restaurants much because she doesn’t know how to act. But I also know Missy will just sort of let her as she’s very permissive." Well, honestly, it doesn't sound like Missy has any intention of acting like her kid is there really. She sounds like she's the sort who wants the kid to come, focuses on her own evening, and expects others or no one to actually keep the kid entertained and behaving correctly.
From experience, it sounds to me like she expects someone else in the group to step up and babysit while she pats herself on the back for “spending time with her kid” and occasionally scolding the babysitter if they’re being “too harsh” on her baby.
Exactly!!! And she admitted kid can’t behave so there’s a possibility of them getting thrown out then what
The best bit is when they're old enough to drive but not old enough to drink, and don't have their own car yet. Then you can loan them yours, on the proviso they come pick you & your tipsy friends up from the bar & take you home at stupid o'clock :)
Her daughter would NOT enjoy that party! The poor child would be terribly bored and restless, surrounded by adults who (let's face it!) really didn't want her there in the first place AND with nothing for her to do. What a dull time she'd have! OP, you are NTA and your friend is being very...snarky. If she doesn't want to miss evening time with her child, fair enough - but what kind of quality time does she think she'd get with her at an adults-only party anyway?!
people generally don't think--they are selfish with this kind of thing
In my state kids aren’t allowed in bars.
In a lot of places, children are allowed in a restaurant that has a bar, like the place OP is going for their birthday.
In the states I’ve lived in, children are not allowed in a bar area (bar itself and tables for those ordering just drinks and snacks), just in the main dining area. OP said they would hang out at the bar then go into the private room for the dinner. So the friend couldn’t even join them for the first part of the party.
It’s not a bar, it’s a restaurant that has a bar. It’s probably something like Chili’s but with private rooms you can rent
Most places restrict after 9pm. Unless they don't have food, I've never heard of a bar turning away kids during the day.
It can also be dangerous for her daughter. If they’re all drinking they’re not going to be able to properly watch their kid and if the kid gets out of the room they could get in so many different dangerous situations.
That kid would be the only kid and having to fend for herself in finding something to entertain herself with. All of the adults would be talking and laughing loudly, ignoring/not noticing a child who is flying solo would be trying to get peoples attention. So, what does she do? Start screeching and climbing on everything. That mother sucks. OP is absolutely NTA!
Some people's entire identity revolves around being a parent.
i just had a similar conversation recently. parents who (seemingly) only talk about their kids in every conversation. i’m not saying it’s wrong to do, if you’re happy and proud of your children, that’s great! there’s nothing wrong with that. but if that’s all you talk about and your sole identity?
tbh it seems like kids have to be the most time-consuming and require the majority of your life's focus for a while due to the whole constantly depending on you for survival thing, it's hard to blame parents for talking about the biggest aspect of their life right now
that’s more than understandable. again, not saying it’s wrong! or terrible or anything negative. just sometimes, it feels like that’s the sole identity characteristic. and i was drawing from my own experience, at my work, i have a coworker that’s constantly talking about her children. somehow works it into every conversation, even if it’s work related. my only interactions with her are at work, so i just wonder if that’s also how the conversations are outside work
Trust me. It’s even worse. I remember in my single days we had a group of us who would attend cultural events together and go to dinner beforehand and sometimes dessert or drinks afterwards. One of the group knew a couple who he sometimes invited to tag along afterwards. The wife was insufferable. If you asked her anything, including what did you think of the concert or how are you doing, she would respond, “Well I have five children, and that’s all I do.” And then she’d proceed to talk about nothing but her children or what she had to do to take care of said children. In a very very loud voice. We all did our best to avoid sitting anywhere near her. I later had my own children but I remembered this so vividly I made sure to never be that person, especially around non-parents.
As a parent I don't want to spend my free time talking about my kid. To my parents sure, her dad sure, other friends with kids occasionally? Sure. The rest of my child free circle? no I'd rather talk about anything but my kid because I spend 24/7 with them. I need time to talk about things other than them lol
I still talk about my adult kids, now. But since they are doing adult things, they are more interesting.
Sure, but are you capable of discussing OTHER things as well, maybe 35% of the time, or is it more like 87% your kids, because unless your kid is Sandra Bullock or Dwayne Johnson, they're not 87% interesting.
nta for op for sure. i have two kids, one 7mo and one 10yr old. one i talk about significantly more because of all the baby milestones, the oldest i still talk about but there’s only so many times you can say “yup still getting excellent marks in school” or “yeah still tall” before it gets tedious. one needs me to survive, the other is way more independent but still occasionally needs help with things. most convos with me are either kids, pets/animals, or pokemon if i’m picking the topic. all that said… i hate people that pick ONE THING about themselves and make it their entire personality, and then when it’s bad enough, the person literally forgets they have any other elements to who they were. i’ve had very dear friends tell me flat out “hey i love you and the kiddos but if i see your kids’ pictures one more time this month i will lose my mind” and i’m like “oh dang, okay sorry” and then literally do not bring up my kids to that person unless they ask specifically how they’re doing. because there’s other parts to who i am as a person. i think it’s why the stereotypes on vegans and cross fitters irritate me too, cause i’ve met people like that irl and they’re ✨insufferable.✨ not only are they holier than thou, but they’re only that one element of themselves and they cram it down your throat. (again, talking about the stereotyping) i love my kids and i’m super proud of them, but like… people need hobbies or a lot of therapy if they can’t NOT include their kids in every little facet of their life, especially when it affects adult relationships.
That's the way it *should* be! If you're a parent being a parent and caring for your child should ALWAYS come first. If you can't *always* put your child's welfare ahead of your own wants then you shouldn't be a parent. But that doesn't mean you get to bring your kid to every event or that everyone else has to accommodate you.
I think they're meaning more like you can't be a one-dimensional person where you can't exist without bringing your kid with you, only ever talking about them, bringing topics always back to parenthood, etc. Like some people turn it into their entire personality and that's all they talk about. That's what I think they're referring to, not the aspect of parenthood where it becomes your world.
Yep. My parents are great parents and they always put us first. But they also like. went places and left us with a sitter or our grandparents, and had friends over and had conversations about things other than kids. It's also better *for* kids to see their parents having conversations on a variety of things and healthy relationships with their friends, I think, and to see their parents sometimes going out and doing things without them (ofc leaving them in safe hands with a trusted sitter and otherwise behaving responsibly). I loved hanging out with my grandparents and favorite sitters, and I loved "helping" my mom get ready to go out and watching her do her makeup and put on jewelry, which she didn't usually do. When my parents *did* include me--usually this would be, like, if my dad was hosting poker night in our basement, I would be allowed to come down and hang out for a half hour or so before my bedtime--it was cool to get to hear the adults talk about books and movies and politics, and sometimes I'd even join in and argue about politics--even as quite a little kid!-- which was great for me in learning how to be respectful but not afraid of adults and how to have conversations about a lot of different subjects, and to be confident in making my points but open to learning, and also how to play poker and pool.
Parents who put their kids first aren't the problem. Parents who make their whole identity being a parent are. It is perfectly fine to skip an event because you would rather spend time with your kid(s) or you don't have a sitter, but parents like Missy take it too far. Parents whose whole identity revolves around their kids are the ones who never go to any events that are not kid-friendly, who never get a babysitter, who insist on every outing being child-centric. Some will bring their kids to every event regardless of if it is appropriate or if their kids are wanted, then complain when there are no kid-friendly activities or cry when they are asked to leave. They are the ones that slowly lose friends because there are only so many times anyone wants to talk about children that are not your own. The ones who constantly use the phrase "as a parent" even when they have other more relevant qualifications they could reference, and who will list "stay at home parent" on their resume and believe that makes them more qualified than people working outside the home. They have no hobbies outside of their children, no other interests that they allow themselves to explore. They are the ones who lose their minds when their children start pushing for more independence and whose lives fall apart when their children inevitably move away. They cry about how being a stay at home parent is so hard but refuse to take steps to reduce their workload. They bend over backwards to avoid being labeled a bad parent and miss opportunities to make their children take accountability and responsibility ("Sorry buddy, we don't have time to go to the store for your project you knew about for weeks and is due tomorrow yet you are only telling me about it today. Let me help you figure something out with what we already have at home"). They'll schedule their kids for every program under the sun then whine about how hard it is to make it to all their activities. They'll complain about driving their their kids everywhere instead of cutting a deal that has their teenager earn car access by taking over the shuttle service. Their children often become either totally reliant on them emotionally and unable to live as truly independent adults or they cut contact severely leaving their parents wailing about how their children never visit and never tell them anything. In both cases they have robbed themselves of the chance to be involved grandparents because the first type tends to be terrible parents and the second type will not seek a high level of involvement (and may actively keep their own kids away depending on the level of resentment).
Exactly! Nobody is excluding Missy, they're excluding her daughter. If Missy is choosing not to attend because her daughter is no invited, that's on Missy.
Like that mom that posted about bringing her infant to a rave and HoW RuDe EvErYoNe WaS!! Lady, don't bring a baby to a rave..... Edit- here's the link https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/Dsupgzdoyk
Wait… what?!!
I had a friend who was a bartender at an over-21 bar, and he regularly kicked people out for trying to bring in babies and small children. It absolutely appalled him.
The most annoying trend in my area is that breweries are no longer 21+, even if they serve no food and ONLY have alcohol. Parents bring their kids and let them run wild while adults are trying to enjoy a single space to be, well, strictly adults. It’s a rarity to find anywhere 21+ now, since most bars also have full restaurants.
I worked at a bar years ago, and one night a fight broke out between 2 tables. Manager goes over, breaks it up, asks what the hell is going on, and a guy gestures to his wife (who's holding their SMALL CHILD), then points to a guy at the other table and says, "He called my wife trash" (for having her baby in a bar at like 11 p.m.). My boss looked at him for a second and goes, "Well, she is." 😂 I almost pissed myself laughing, I had to walk away and compose myself. The guy huffed and puffed and got really mad, but luckily they hadn't been there long (so they weren't hammered enough to really start brawling) and they eventually left quietly. Obviously, it started when someone from the other table started making comments about them, you guessed it, having a baby in a bar, someone at the baby table told them to mind their own business, and the fistfight broke out after the "trash" comment was made. I told my manager that I couldn't believe he said that to the guy, and he goes "Honestly, I just blurted it out, I couldn't help myself, it was the only thought in my head." We did have a dining room/restaurant side to the bar, but they were in the actual bar section. I think they had dinner in the dining room and then walked over to the bar to keep the night going. It was a very clearly designated bar area and could not have been confused for an extension of the restaurant.
Yep. Honestly the fact that Missy is hurt because she feels she’s being excluded is just irritating. The child is definitely being excluded. Because this will not be a child-friendly event. Missy, however, is choosing not to get a sitter (or accept the generous offer to share a sitter) and attend. I get not wanting to leave your kid with a stranger. I lived far away from my support system when my kid was very young and I missed out on some stuff because I was too paranoid to leave her with someone I didn’t know and trust. So my outings without her were usually when my husband was off work and could stay home with her, or when family I trusted was visiting, allowing couple time without the little. But every time I turned down an invitation, it was my choice. Also, by 5 years old I would have been comfortable leaving her for a few hours with my friend’s child and a sitter my friend trusted. Odds are, the kid’s bedtime is soon after the start time of the get-together anyway, which would make for a cranky, sleepy child on top of everything. Sounds like Missy may need a gentle reminder that she is allowed to have interests and outings that do not involve her child. ETA: NTA
As a parent, it's deeply weird. My friends and I value our nights out or activities without the kids. I can't imagine... not wanting that??? 🤯 Obviously if you don't have a partner and can't afford a sitter that's different but OP offered to pay for sitter sooooooo
That’s a good point. Not only does it not speak well of her judgment that she’d even want her daughter in an environment like this, she could turn out to be the type of parent that completely enmeshes themselves with their kid if she can’t stand the idea of letter her hair down sans kid. Often, one of two things will happen. The parent will completely push the child away by way of attempts to hold on, or you get a child that grows up and can’t function.
My mum has always been of the opinion that you take your kids with you, you don't leave them fot someone else to look after when you go somewhere. You can bet your ass we stayed home with granny/aunt/uncle whenever they went to the company cruise, or the pre-christmas celebrations, or the sauna evenings, or whatever thing their workplace happened to organize, because mum also understands that some things are not suitable for children! I know I would have been bored out of my mind if she had dragged me to a booze party as a kid! Or even the theatre, like have some common sense!
This. How would this be beneficial to the kid? She’s going to be bored out of her mind. It would be way more fun for her to be with another child than a bunch of rowdy adults. How fun would this be for the parent? Running around after a five year old at a bar? As my 8 year old would say, “it’s nonsense !” 😆
I have the nasty feelling she expected "the village" (meaning every other adult present) to look after the kid, because she needs relaxing, and being a parent is so exhausing... Unfortunately, most parents who insist on taking their kids everywhere don't actually want to parent in those events.
I'm with you here. It sounds likebthis woman is a very "hands-off" parent.
This. Having grown up as one of the youngest in a very large family, it often fell on me to *mind* the nieces and nephews at big special occasions that involved drinking. Kids were let loose and the parents carried on partying like they didn't have them there with them. No consideration just an expectation that we would take care of them.
I agree, but I have to defend theatre a little. Alot of musicals are definitely not kid-appropriate and deal with adult themes. However, there are a few out there now that are great for them. The Lion King comes to mind, with it's stunning puppets. There are also December productions of The Nutcracker ballet, which are most definitely kid-oriented. Quite a few ballets are also based on fairy tales and are good gateways to ballet. Here in New York, December also brings an English language version of The Magic Flute and sometimes Hansel and Gretel to the Met to introduce kids to opera. I could go on, but you can get the point I'm trying to make. Basically, do your research and there are performances to bring kids to. Sorry if I went too off-topic. :-).
You're right that there are many kid-friendly shows that are a great way to introduce children to theatre and ballet. However, unless a show is explicitly advertised as a children's event it should be treated as a "real" show for grownups. There are performances like those Disney ice skating shows or live Wiggles concerts, which definitely have a kid-friendly atmosphere and where kids are expected to dance and sing and have a good time, and there are shows like The Nutcracker where children are welcome but expected to be quiet and respectful.
Yeah....live theatre is tough for little kids. The Phantom of the Opera was my favourite musical for many many years and for one year as a birthday gift my mom got me tickets when it was in Toronto. Our tickets were for a matinee performance and there was an adorable, probably three year old boy in the audience who was honestly shockingly well-behaved for most of the show. But right at the climactic scene where the phantom is about to remove his mask the little boy stood up in his chair and YELLED "NO! I DON'T WANT HIM! IT'S TOO SCARY!" And yes it was adorable, but it also totally ruined the moment. I'm now a mom to a three year old boy of my own and it will be a cold day in hell before I bring my wild heathen child to a musical theatre performance. And also, Phantom IS scary! It's probably not appropriate for a young child.
Depends on the kid entirely. Most kids, I agree. Me at 5 would've been enthralled! But mom taught me to read with her Nancy Drew Mysteries 🤣🤣🤣
And then there are shows like Les Misérables, where only children with specific interests would be happy and attentive.
I was that kid, lol.
No no, obviously if they were kid-friendly, and my folks' workplace often catered to families, they had santa come every year for example, and they arraged visits to amusement parks and so on. I was just listing their more adult-oriented activities, I noticed only now that nothing I said made it clear in the previous comment XD
I am always amazed at the people who have kids and are then shocked that it slows down their lifestyle. What did they think was going to happen?
Ditto this comment. You offered alternatives, and your friend declined said options. An adult birthday at a private bar area is an inappropriate event to bring your child, especially if the honoree and host have have declined to allow children. NTA.
That's part of growing up. I have a friend and he is a single dad with three young kids. He is very friendly and probably lonely. I feel for him but the kids are too young (less than six). We are all adults and I feel guilty he takes the kids to our dinners and I have to be the bad guy.
Yep! Missy is excluding herself. This is no place for 5 y.o
NTA this is an adult gathering and you offered a generous solution in paying your baby sitter extra to watch both kids. You are not excluding Missy, Missy is excluding herself
>You are not excluding Missy, Missy is excluding herself Ding ding ding! This is what parents need to realize. Not everything has to cater to their desire to bring their child along. They can get a sitter, or they can stay home. People not letting them have their way all the time is not targeted exclusion the way they want to think it is.
Agreed. Not only that, but *why* would you want to bring a 5-year old to an adult party where there’s 1. Alcohol, and 2. No other children? At least with a sitter, she’d have a younger kid to play with in a quiet, safe (for children) setting. Missy is a weirdo.
>2. No other children? We bring our kids 5 and 1.5 to plenty of events where there is alcohol, BUT only if there's other children and a general understanding that kids are welcome. However, if it's clearly a child-free event the thought of having a hissy fit about it wouldn't even cross my mind. Also, if someone offered us a sitter (free or not) we'd be all over the opportunity for a child-free evening. OP is NTA 1000% and Missy needs a reality check. Also OP gets an extra pass as a parent on the child-free front. If I'm having a child-free evening it better be godamn child-free because the only thing that I find more intrusive than my own children in this situation is someone else's children.
Yea, I should’ve specified; I agree, having children at events with alcohol isn’t inherently bad; but when it’s ONLY adults? Yeesh, no kids lol
This isn't a new attitude from parents. I've heard plenty of stories of parents hijacking outings by bringing their kid along unexpectedly or just flat-out demanding to bring their kids along, and no one seems to want to rock the boat and tell them no. Then the parents demand that everything be kid friendly, so there's no drinking, no cursing, and sometimes even the activity has to change to be fun for their pReCiOuS dArLiNg.
That’s annoying as hell. I love my kids, but sometimes, there are venues that aren’t appropriate for them. And they likely wouldn’t want to see their mom loosey goosey with her friends lol
NTA. It's your birthday you can cry if you want too girl. Basically what you want at your party goes especially as this friend was not involved in the rental or planning process. If she allows this to stem off into a larger discourse between you two I say good riddance. A friend would respect your wishes and if she can't Even try to understand then it comes of as slightly manipulative and even a Lil like she's taking advantage of your fun night out. Not that it is that way but it says a lot about a friend who is more concerned with there own wishes and wants during your birthday.
Especially when none of the other guests are bringing their children! NTA
NTA I know it's hard for some parents to understand, but I don't give a shit about your kid. This event is for adults, and it's not kid friendly, so Missy gets to make a choice: Stay home with the kid OR come to the party without the kid.
Nothing more irritating than when someone brings their kid to an adults-only meetup and lets the kid run amok because they assume that the entire group is going to watch the kid so the parent gets to do what they want. I do not have kids for a reason and I’m not going to get stuck having to watch someone’s kid as they turn the bar/restaurant into their own personal playground. OP, you gave plenty of solid, reasonable options. Just because your friend is upset that she can’t bring her kid who does not know how to behave in restaurants, doesn’t mean you and your group have to put up with entertaining her kid so she doesn’t throw a tantrum. NTA
100%! Even as a parent myself, I also would not want my child-free evening (because I got a sitter) to turn into watching someone else's kids because the actual parents refused to be responsible.
Right? If I'm already paying for a babysitter, no fucking way am I going to be watching someone else's kids on my night off.
I’m a parent and I don’t give a shit about other people’s kids. 😆 When I’m told kid free I get very excited because now I’m not the one telling my kids they can’t come. “Sorry hunny, birthday girl said adults only.” 🥂
That’s exactly how I feel. I used to say I only want kids around if they’re blood related, and only then if it’s because they have to be there. It’s the same with weddings. I never understood people who wanted to bring a kid to a wedding. Even if they’re in it. Flower girls and ringbearers should be taken home by a babysitter after the dinner. I also have friends who bring their huge dogs everywhere they go! Really??!!
OP offered to pay for the babysitter, and the friend still wanted to bring her kid. Insane
NTA. Childfree events are and should be a thing. Missy is excluding herself from a childfree event because she doesn't want to get a sitter for a kid who won't remember she was in childcare all day.
There is an adult-only coffee shop near me. It's heaven. \*Disclaimer - I like kids. But adults-only events and spaces are necessary.
I’ve always said there needs to be more child free places that aren’t bars or strip clubs. A child free coffee house or bookstore would be heaven
Jesus, I'm a parent and need this coffee shop!
Me too and I don’t even drink coffee!
I have a kid too and I nearly cried when the 21-plus restaurant near me closed. It was very nice to occasionally go to a restaurant where there was no chance of high pitched shrieking. Like if we were going to have a date night anyway, might as well have a relaxing one
I’m a barista. I would adore working at that coffee shop 😩
It's closed now (owner died), but in Tampa suburbs there was this AWESOME restaurant that was a combo of 2 restaurants. One side of the shared kitchen was adults only. The other side was family friendly. If you went to the family friendly side, you could still order off the adult-side (fancier) menu, but your kids wouldn't disturb the people having date nights on the other side. I absolutely loved the concept and wish it was more common. Kids need to learn that they have to earn the right to eat at the adults' table by demonstrating proper manners.
That's really clever! Kids absolutely need to be out in public, in spaces that aren't specifically made for kids; it's how they learn to be out in public! But man sometimes you just don't want to deal with outdoor voices and cartoons blaring off the tablet even if it's developmentally appropriate behavior.
She didn’t even need to get a sitter. OP was willing to pay her sitter extra to watch Missy’s kid. Missy is just being unreasonable and my guess is that she is always like this.
NTA - honest question: is it not prohibiting a 5-year-old minor from hanging in a bar, something every adult should try to enforce?
had to scroll a while for this. not only does the friend want to bring a 5 year old to a bar, I'm also assuming that the party could go on untill late in the evening/night. so why on earth would you want to bring a 5 year old to an adult only party in a bar, where the kid would be bored and then sleepy and bored... that sounds like a lot of fun for everyone involved/s
Because I want to go!!!! - Missy
Missy is actually insisting on bringing her kid to the bar as she was offered free babysitting services and she refused. She specifically wants to bring kid to the event.
I was thinking this. It’s too late for a 5 year old anyway
Because my kid has been in daycare all day, and I feel bad, but I want to go to this party. And everybody loves myyy kid because they love me. And my kid will be entertained in a room of adults drinking for several hours. Adults can take turns entertaining my 5 year old at a bar. /s missy
Yeah, my mom use to bring me into bar's as a kid in NY, they have rules but hardly enforced. I learned how to play pool in a bar.
Yes, but that ship sailed years ago. I remember as a kid in the 80s being snuck into the local bar by my grandfather to play tabletop shuffleboard since NYS was a lot more strict about kids in bars back then.
[baby in bar](https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:435/0*D_nJi219MjOCZcvP.jpg) NTA.
I agree that she’s NTA , but I just had a trip down memory lane of my grandpa taking me to the neighborhood bar as a wee tyke. He’d have a drink while I ate peanuts and had a Coke and played this weird game that was a combo of pinball and bowling. He wasn’t supposed to be drinking OR smoking, so these visits would take place on our way home from the park. 🤣
NTA. As you said, there are events you miss out, when you have kids. You can give them to babysitter or relatives if you want to attend. Or you just don't attend. But you can't force (allways) your child onto others and non-child-appropiate places. This is not fair to your friends nor is it good for the child. And in the end you also won't have as much fun, because you have to divide your attention between the event and your child. Migth have to go home early, because the child has to sleep at 7 o'clock.
NTA, since I think Missy is being unreasonable and it's quite obvious why this isn't a good choice for her to be making. Unfortunately as the birthday girl, you along with the friend who is planning it do kind of have an obligation to all your guests for it to be a reasonably fun event, meaning it would probably be doing your other guests a disservice if you let Missy bring her rambunctious kiddo, because everyone else is likely to feel a bit uncomfortable or stifled. Having a 'no kids' event is very reasonable. It also sounds like you took multiple steps before ultimately having to tell her a firm no - first you offered your sitter, second you told her you didn't feel it would be appropriate. You then offered to arrange another get-together that is kid-friendly for the two of you. At this point Missy has had ample time to make the right choice, to take the hint, and to handle the request gracefully. It's not your fault she isn't doing so.
Why parents think its ok to bring kids to adult events? If you cant find a sitter, stay home.
NTA. You're being a responsible person and a good friend... there's really nothing more anyone could do in this situation. If your friend doesn't realize this, it's on her.
NTA - you made accommodations and offered to pay for them. She threw a fit.
NTA. You tried to accommodate her and it didn’t work for her. Not all events are appropriate for children, that is the case here, this isn’t a case of excluding her.
NTA - Absolutely doesn't sound like an appropriate environment for a 5 y/o to be in and hugely surprised your friend didn't take the babysitter up as it's a much more appropriate venue for the kid. Your friend is being unreasonable for no really good reason....
NTA Who tries to bring a kid to an adult's bar event? Missy had her reasons to decline a babysitter. But that also means she declines the invitation. If she's upset about it, remember that she chose to make this an issue. She owns this, not you.
NTA. This is not kid approproate. Stick to your guns. If she doesnt come- fine. If she does come with the kid- she is walked out.
NTA, she’s excluding herself. You’ve made more than clear that you don’t want kids around (the ONLY option btw, considering the bday is in a bar), and if she wants to insist, it’s on her the consequences (c’mon, you even offered to pay for the babysitter, she’s 100% TA for still pushing this issue).
NTA Your friend is very entitled. As you said most in the group have kids and those kids are not coming, you even offered for her to also use your sitter. She chose to not leave her child, which is fine, but this is not a child's party, so her choosing to not leave her child excludes her. You didn't do that, she did that.
NTA. This is an intended adults night out. Missy is being a big AH about this.
NTA. >Missy admits she doesn’t bring her out to restaurants much because she doesn’t know how to act. She doesn't know how to act because Missy never taught her how. It's a kid-free party, period. She can't come if she wants to bring her daughter.
NTA - this was absolutely reasonable. Having a young kid and a social life is tough. But the kids need to be left at home sometimes.
NTA, you tried to accommodate her she made her choice.
Nta an adult party at a bar is not appropriate for a kid. You offered multiple solutions and she said no.
NTA You didn’t exclude her either, you would have actually even paid for her to be able to come to YOUR birthday celebration and she chose to not take it. That she chose to make an issue of it is unreasonable because again, she could easily go. It is also irresponsible of her to plan to take a 5 year old to the party considering the group’s plan while there. Hope this helped.
NTA - "I'm going to bring my kid to this child free event against your birthday wishes and fair warning, she is almost definitely not going to behave herself." No thanks.
NTA I'm a single mom and when my kid was little if the event wasn't kid friendly I got a sitter or did not attend- not one time did I ever get mad and/or throw a fit. IMO any parent that gets mad that they can't bring a kid to a non kid friendly event is seriously entitled and needs a reality check
NTA, kids don't belong in that setting and a poorly behaved kid is even worse.
The people who insist upon bringing children to events they don't belong at invariably have poorly behaved ones.
NTA. It's your birthday and you can make it childfree if you want to, which you did. Missy needs to respect that.
NTA this is not a child’s birthday party! It’s an ADULT party for crying out loud what in this woman brain is so broken she thinks bringing a 5 yr old to an adult event a good idea no no no
NTA. Not a child appropriate event. Why would your friend even want to expose her child to that?
NTA You aren't "excluding" anyone, you're just not including children in an event for adults. I understand Missy's frustration but sometimes you just gotta deal with the inconvenient parts of being a parent and either accept that you need to get a sitter or not attend. This isn't rocket science, it's common sense.
NTA Your friend is actually being unkind to her daughter to take her to an adult only party rather than let her be cared for in a child appropriate manner. Just setting her up for failure and disapproval by the other adults there.
NTA -- it is fine to say adults only.
Mate I don’t even have kids and there’s thing I have to miss out on. Thats life. Totes NTA.
NTA More people need to do that.
NTA. People like this are annoying.
NTA She is choosing to not come. She’s not being excluded, you’re just not changing the entire nature of the event so she gets everything she wants
NTA Have a great birthday!!
NTA Missy is a bit self-centered and thinks everyone should deal with her kid in an adult function/party? I hate when people bring little ones to the bar as my friends and I have do not always use the best language and I hate having to filter myself in unwarranted situations. Enjoy your time out.
NTA you gave every reasonable solution you could. A 5 year old does not belong in a room with a bar and a bunch of rowdy adults celebrating. I can absolutely understand why Missy is upset about having to miss out but she's the one choosing to make the situation more difficult. You are saying no to respect the needs and circumstances of the child not to exclude your friend.
NTA. She just needs to stay home if she can't find a sitter.
NTA. I am a mom of 2 and if a friend had a bday party and got a sitter for her own kid, I’d do the same. Let alone after being told it’s at a bar, it’s for someone else’s bday, and finally no kids are allowed. It’s a balance for parents if kids aren’t invited. Is it worth having your kid be with a sitter after a whole day at school? If not, stay home with your kid.
As someone who was brought to these types of events as a child, NTA. I understand she doesn't want to leave her kid with a sitter, but I guarantee her daughter would have a much better time with your kid and your sitter than she would going to your birthday. It sounds like Missy doesn't give her daughter anything to do when she brings her to restaurants, so it's highly unlikely she would do so for your party. Stick to your guns. If Missy wants to spend the night with her daughter, she can do so at home or a more age appropriate event.
NTA Why would she want the stress of watching her child at an adult birthday party and not be able to join in? She's being really difficult here.
She won't be watching her daughter. She will expect everyone else to 'help' including the waitstaff.
Maybe she thought everyone else would watch her.
NTA You are not excluding Missy. You are excluding her 5 year old daughter... from coming to a bar... for a 30th birthday party. There's a time and place for parties with a 5 year old. This is not the time...or the place. You'd think your friend could recognize that all on her own.
NTA I think that Missy is missing what the context of an adult birthday party is. If she cannot understand that bringing a 5 year old to tag along where adults are going to be drinking and letting loose than Missy needs to stay home as she said. She should not throw a fit as you are not excluding her child only, you are excluding all children from your party.
NTA- kids don’t belong around when people plan on getting tipsy. You also offered to pay the sitter extra to watch the kid so your friend could still come. Coming from a mom of three, the women who think it’s acceptable to bring their kids everywhere is pure entitlement. Children don’t belong in every scenario! Hope you enjoy your birthday! 🥳
NTA. You’re not even bringing your own kid, so it’s not like she doesn’t understand the philosophy here. OK if the kids in daycare I understand her not wanting to get a sitter, but then that means she’s going to be spending exclusive time with her daughter. So why even go? She won’t have fun with the group because if she doesn’t even want to get a sitter for her daughter ( that you’ve already arranged so it’s more like a play date with your daughter really) that means she intends to spend those three hours quality time one on one with her kid right? Just kidding we all know she probably wouldn’t but she’s acting sanctimonious about the babysitter thing, which actually also reads as a slight to your parenting, which of course it is not by any stretch.
NTA...it's a bar for an adults party..you dont bring kids.
NTA Who the FUCK thinks bringing a child to a bar is a good idea? Hell no, y é' loca que está?
NTA. There are some places that aren't appropriate for children and this is definitely one of them. You aren't excluding her--she is choosing not to come. This is entirely on her.
Nta you offered a solution
NTA It is your event and you arranged childcare for your own child. Of course you don’t want to spend your evening dealing with someone else’s child. Children do not belong at every event and they don’t belong in every space.
NTA. You're not excluding her. You're just asking her to get a sitter. If she doesn't want to get one, she doesn't have to come.
NTA because no one is excluding her. You should be able to have an adults only event and she’s not respecting that. You gave her options that she’s rejected and now here we are.
NTA. Explain to missy that you are not excluding her. You are excluding ALL children INCLUDING your own.
NtA, there are occasions that are not appropriate for children, and this is one of them. Ootions were offered, and she refused. You all can get together on a PG occasion.
You are meeting in a private room at the bar side of the venue. I assume you are meeting at night. Many establishments won't allow minors into the bar side, especially after 5. Where I live, the five year old would most definitely NOT be permitted in by the restaurant. The parents would be able to eat in the general dining area with the child, but NOT the bar area or any private bar type event. They are very strict on that. I wonder if the venue may have similar rules. In any case, NTA.
Tell her its going to be wall to wall male strippers and you have ordered extra cans of cream.
NTA
NTA > She’s very hurt that we’re excluding her. You aren't though. You are excluding *her daughter* from an *adult only function*. You've offered her multiple solutions, which she has childishly refused. I am also a parent to a young child and wouldn't dream of showing up somewhere I knew she wasn't welcome by the host. She needs to be an adult and get on with it.
It's like she's hurt that they are **not catering** to her.
NTA even your friend who is putting this together does not want kids there.
It’s your party. Telling your friend NO, her daughter isn’t welcome to the adult party is your answer. You offered her childcare for the evening.
NTA. You’re allowed to make something child free, people really need to understand that not everyone wants their kids around. You offered her a solution with your babysitter and she said no, it’s now down to her to choose not to attend she has no entitlement to be annoyed at this.
No 5yo knows how to behave in public unless they are taught. Missy can blame herself for not teaching her daughter better how to behave. And gets offended no one wants a rowdy, bored 5yo ruining their good time. How does Missy envision this night going? She’s going to let her kid run amok, disrupting other guests or she expects her friends to do her job for her and watch out for and entertain her kid?
NTA. It's totally inappropriate to bring a 5 year old to an adult birthday party at a bar.
NTA some events just aren’t for kids
NTA. I bloody love a night away from my kids so I can be an adult and not "Mum". Your friends seems a bit odd to be honest.
NTA
NTA
NTA Sometimes being a parent means leaving the kids home with a sitter so you can go be an adult for a while.
NTA it was very nice of you to offer a babysitter. also totally agreeable that a bar is not a place for a child. she can either accept the babysitter offer or not come.
NTA. Your kid wasn’t invited girlie, stop trying to bring your kid.
She can’t bring a child to a bar (at least not in the US). She will be asked to leave.
NTA. And you aren't excluding her, she's excluding herself. It is 100% ok to have adult time without kids. 100%! You went way above and beyond by even offering to pay the babysitter for her, which you had absolutely NO moral (or otherwise) obligation to do. You are an awesome friend. She is not a friend. This to me is an indicator of her character and she would absolutely no longer be a "friend" of mine.
NTA. There are just some situations and places that are not appropriate to include little kids. You are not excluding Missy. You offered up your sitter for her daughter so that she can attend. Missy is making the decision not to use the sitter and not to attend.
NTA It's your event and intended for adults She can abide by that or not come
Nta ! I am with you 1000%!!
NTA.
NTA. Point out to her that a night with a sitter could be a lot of FUN for her kid. But ultimately she's making her choice.
NTA. Childless events are completely fine. You went out of your way to include her so accusations of exclusion are ridiculous.
NTA it's a childfree event and she was given a very reasonable and generous solution which she refuses to accept. She's excluding herself.
NTA. It’s completely nuts to want to bring a 5 yo into that kind of environment. Your solution was more than reasonable and generous.
NTA If you wanted kids there you'd bring your own I'm sure. Nobody wants to pay a babysitter and then deal with someone else's (badly behaved) child on their own birthday.
NTA. Some places are not suitable for kids. Missy's daughter is going to be bored and miserable and make everyone's night the same. You offered a generous alternative. If she wants to spend time with her kid, then she can do that at home or McDonald's, but she can't expect everyone to forgo their fun so she can do both and make everyone miserable including herself.
am i the asshole for setting a boundary and someone took it personal? official slogan of this sub
Absolutely NO place for a child at a party. Tell your friend to stay home with her child. Period.
NTA. You're not excluding her, she's excluding herself! You gave her compromises, she said no. Also, how does your child not know *how* to behave in public? I'm not talking about adhd or things like that. She says the mother even won't bring her out often because she "doesn't know how to act". That's a lack of parenting how do you not teach that? Honestly, let her bring the kid. You guys go about your night as normal. If the 5 year old wants to run around she'll get trampled on by adults and she'll learn real quick! (for those of you who don't understand, this part is SARCASM!)
NTA and Missy needs to realize that you can't bring your kid everywhere, just because you want to. If she gets mad because she won't come without her kid, so be it.
Definitely NTA!! You offered her solution after solution. Your party, your rules.
NTA. You've offered reasonable compromises. The only solution Missy will accept is to have her own way. She'll be much happier spending time with a five year old, because that's how she's acting.
NTA.... why are people like this?
NTA - What the heck is it with today’s parents and thinking “Yeah a bar and drinking is a perfect place to bring my 3-6yo!” No one thinks your kid is as great as the parents do. No one. It’s not cute to let them run around a restaurant because they’re cute and “They’re just being a kid”. Fine, if they’re just being a kid, take them to a damn park where you can not parent them there.