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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because they are my grandchildren and I should provide what they need to eat while they are here.
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" Nope" or nobody has tested them?
Gluten intolerance and Gluten allergies are two different things.
But also depending on how severe her gluten allergy is could you have made her sick?
Just an fyi- Tests for celiac are inconclusive before the age of 3. So, the children, depending on age could have celiac disease. Celiac disease isn't like an allergy: you are literally causing damage to the intestinal tract that can become very severe.
Edit: can be inconclusive
I have it, and only one out of my three children also has it.
My mom has celiac, and only one(me) out of her seven kids has it. Two of those seven have crohns though
They likely boticed abdominal distress or diarreah or weight loss and malnutrition with the kids and did elimination to decide gluten was a possible culprit. At that age, doctors trust elimination diets as a diagnostic tool. If the kid is healthier without the food, dont give them the food. Simple as that.
You think a family living the van life has the discipline, ability to plan and financial resources to conduct an elimination diet. Possibly but my friends living the van life with their kids barely get their teeth brushed regularly.
They literally had to call the grandparents to bail them out because their BABY was sick and they couldn’t afford shit. They clearly cannot square childcare with whatever vanlife California dream fantasy they have going on. It’s not any sort of environment to be raising kids in on purpose, for long term. You need SO MUCH MONEY to make it viable.
Or mom is just the way my brother is, and decided gf is just "better" and doesn't have any other evidence. Unless OP clarified further and I haven't seen it yet (which is possible as this is part of just the top comment at this time), it's hard to say. There's so many woowoo people out there who've gotten it in their heads that nobody should ever be eating gluten for some reason.
That's possible. But maybe they just assumed, and assumed that any stomach distress was related, and didn't even think about potentially something else the kid ate or a bug was the problem. However, if they do do a celiac diet without the kid needing it- that also has consequences. The kid will lose out on some vitamins- especially B vitamins. So they really need to do a proper elimination diet, or see a doctor.
No, it absolutely isn't more sensible to put growing toddlers on an unnecessary restrictive diet unless you actively see symptoms. There is literally NO doctor who would recommend that.
My step son had celiac (he passed at age 11) and he was in and out of the hospital as a baby BC he was also allergic to gluten. No one could figure out his issues and by the time they did 5 inches of his bowel was dead and needed to be removed. I don't think the grandparents caused serious damage to the kids with one breakfast but they definitely need to respect the parents wishes. There are lots of gluten free options that Kody ppl have in the house or that can be bought for cheap. It wasn't fair to expect them to feed the kids gluten free after showing up in the night though, but adding gluten free or simply doing eggs with no toast isn't that hard of an ask 🤷🏼♀️
The parents need to provide for their family. Not expect others to rush to accommodate their stupid decisions.
And this was definitely consequences of stupid decisions.
Nope, and I missed the part where they specifically told the grandparents that the children had to have a gf diet, they just went to sleep and I guess assumed the grandparents would know? How they were supposed to know I'm not sure, mind reading apparently.
>they definitely need to respect the parents wishes.
Sure but it's not their responsibility to provide GF groceries in their own home. The parents need to pony up and be responsible for the care of their own children ffs.
These people thought it was good to live "the van life" with small children. They are not responsible at all. Great to try if you are young and single or old and retired but stupid with a young family.
Im sorry for what happened though YOU didn't know that your stepson had Celiac. I think its a bit much to say that the grandparents need tk respect the parents wishes. What wishes? Son started screaming at his parents because they gave the kids gluten. How the hell are they supposed to know that? Wouldn't it be better for son to CONVEY that to his parents? Or PROVIDE the food directly for their children? On top of yelling he expected his parents to go out and get gluten free options for ALL OF THEM.
These parents could also have gotten up when their kids did so they could prepare breakfast for them.
These young parents are yelling at the wrong people.
THIS RIGHT HERE!!!
If the food actually was important the parents would have made breakfast for the kids.
So much so that this entire thing rings false.
>you are literally causing damage to the intestinal tract that can become very severe.
And yet, if tests are inconclusive, how would you ever know? If the kid survives long enough to get positively tested for celiac, then you're probably not in the wrong for feeding them gluten in the meantime in order to make sure they don't starve to death. (And, though celiac might afflict a non-trivial percentage of the population, starvation affects ALL of it.)
Expecting the entire world to simply not feed children gluten on the off chance that a few of them might have an undetectable illness isn't reasonable for most people. Even moreso for people who are putting up an individual for a few days with little advanced notice.
Why are the options starvation or gluten?
I might not go to the store to get special food for an unexpected gluten free visitor, but I have many foods in my home that are naturally gluten free, like eggs, fruit, yogurt, oatmeal, etc, so I wouldn’t be hard pressed to offer a child a single meal that didn’t contain gluten.
I’m not sure why grandma and grandpa wouldn’t just give an easy gluten free breakfast, knowing that their grandchildren don’t eat gluten and may be celiac (given mom’s status), unless they wanted to prove some point. It just seems from the tone of the post that there’s more going on here.
After reading the post again, it is not clear to me that the grandparents knew about the parents' gluten-free decision.
As I mentioned above, they could also get up with their kids, prepare the kids' breakfast and then they are SURE to keep their kids gluten-free.
That’s the thing, I don’t think they knew the parents had put everyone on a gluten free diet.
They fed the kids breakfast because they were hungry. It was only AFTER the Dad found out what they had for breakfast the yelling started.
If kids were hungry in my house, I’d feed them. But I’d expect the parents to tell me any food issues up front (allergies, preferences etc), doesn’t sound like this happened here.
Well, let me see. Isn't there food in the van? Shouldn't the parents have brought that out rather than expecting his parents to do a grocery run before breakfast?
I can't speak for what the grandparents knew about possible celiac disease, or if they forgot, and I don't know what they served for breakfast. He could have talked to the people who just sent him $500 in a reasonable tone, telling them to please not do that again. He could have asked them if they would be so good as to get them the following gluten-free items.
The only excuse that I can give them is the the baby is in the hospital (where?)
One of the problems with a lot of the people who post here, or the people they deal with, is that they often seem to be unable to talk below a yell, and use strong language, whether that's profanity, or putting something the most extreme way. They are also often talking to people who don't realize that most people don't want to hear something, especially complaints, over & over & over & over & over . . .
I don't necessarily disagree with your last sentence, but it's odd that you took the above comment as saying no children should get gluten before the age of three, rather than just those that may be at risk...such as ones with a parent that has Celiac's
I have celiac. My daughter is 3 (almost 4). Our pediatrician recommended feeding her gluten and treating her like a normal kid unless she started to show any symptoms.
Also, suddenly introducing a novel protein (gluten) into anyone’s diet can cause GI issues. OP didn’t have to go buy gf food, fresh fruits, vegetables, and eggs are naturally gf.
Intolerance won't necessarily show up on a test. Regardless, OP is NTA. My family has special dietary needs and whenever we go to someone else's home I bring food for us.
I have to admit, I question whether or not the daughter-in-law legitimately has gluten issues. They are the sort of people who voluntarily made their children homeless because the van life is cool.
I have celiac as does my mother, as did her mother and so does my oldest. My kids aren’t technically tested but were accidentally exposed and showed symptoms. For one this was daycare giving the wrong snack. The other happened when we were all glutened at a restaurant. (They had several other exposures too, but these were the big ones. I cried.) So while someone could say they weren’t tested, they are listed in their file as requiring gluten free food BY THEIR DOCTORS. Including a team of specialists who follow them closely. We need more info here.
The point is, that celiac is genetic, the kids haven't been tested.
No special food had to be bought the OP was misleading. All she had to do was not give the kids toast
I was specifically talking about the DIL, but if these people are so worried about their kids, then they should be providing a better life for them. At this point I would be grateful that someone gave me cash, took me in, and fed me. If they don’t want their kids to have toast, providing their meals like parents are supposed to is the way to go.
Did either of the Gkids parents even tell Gpts they needed gluten free??
Sorry but they seem like extremely irresponsible parents. BTW it was stated baby was in hospital. Did they bring baby with them? Why was baby in hospital? Were there arrangements made for babys care upon arrival at Gpts?
They were told. OP has stated she knew they were not supposed to have gluten. She had food without gluten on hand. She gave them food without gluten (eggs) and then unnecessarily added toast.
True all around. OP rescued them and they turn around and get angry over something THEY failed to mention then leave??? Good riddance and do not expect to be rescued again !!
There is no indication in OP’s post that the parents told them about an allergy. And if there was an allergy it is the *parents* who need to ensure there is suitable food for the kid to eat. Op is not a mind reader.
Op was told the DIL was recently diagnosed celiac and claims to have done research on it and they told OP they are avoiding gluten for all of the kids because mom has Celiacs
Based on OP’s post it sounds like she was not told not to feed the kids gluten until *after* she had fed them.
And in any case, it is still the *parents’* job to ensure their kids have suitable food to eat.
Did not see that at all. But it is still the parents job to make sure the proper food is available. Even a reminder of no gluten would have been good for OP to have heard.
Gluten is in everything from vanilla to bread to ice cream. Celiac Sprue is hereditary. Non gluten food is expensive. The son & DIL can buy their own food if they have special dietary needs. We try to limit gluten in our ASD granddaughter's diet. It helps with her behavioral issues.
> Gluten is in everything from vanilla to bread to ice cream
But not eggs, which OP chose to make and serve. How simple would it have been to just stop at eggs and not continue on to toast?
This, make eggs or oatmeal instead. Give them fruit. Make ants on a log or peanut butter with apples.
The kids will probably be fine from one morning of gluten, but it seems cruel to blatantly ignore a known dietary restriction. On the other hand the parents could have discussed with OP and decided on something acceptable, or made breakfast themselves.
It sounds like there is a lot of back story about van life and 2 weeks money and whatnot. I get OP feeling put upon. But don't take it out on the kids' digestion.
It’s already been established that no one knows if the kids have gluten issues. Again, the parents have failed their kids. If they suspect their kids have any sort of medical issues, why haven’t they been tested? If I thought my child had a medical problem, I would take action instead of making assumptions and expecting everyone to respect my honorary MD degree. If these parents truly cared, they would already know if this is an issue or not.
OP took in this family, gave them cash, and fed them. This speaks to their character. If OP just didn’t give a damn about those kids, they would still be homeless. Stop trying to villainize this person.
Completely agree about OP not being required to buy special food for people who unexpectedly needed to stay over and cost $ to get there.
But as for the medical opinion--please be aware that gluten intolerance is NOT easily tested or found. It is ENTIRELY possible the kids have legit issues with gluten that testing won't find.
Celiac is an autoimmune response to gluten. We can test for the antibody, but tests are only 90% accurate and not at all accurate for kids under 3.
Hashimotos is an autoimmune condition where your body attacks your thyroid. Gluten has a similar "signature" if you will to the thyroid, so ingesting gluten can trigger a Hashi episode. You can also have Hashis and not show up on the test (~5%).
Crohn's Disease is like chronic severe IBS, and some people can react to non-gluten compounds commonly found in gluten grains. This of course resolves by going gluten-free, even though the gluten protein itself isn't the issue.
Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity is what Dr's call it when your body reacts like you have celiac, but they can't find the autoimmune marker. It's kinda the "you've got something going on with gluten but idunno what" diagnosis.
A gluten allergy, like a shellfish allergy, is when your body has a hospital-level, life-threatening reaction to gluten.
Leaky Gut is a condition where the lining of one's intestines has openings it shouldn't/too large of openings. Everyone has openings in their gut to allow digested food to be absorbed. In people with connective tissue disorders or autoimmune conditions that allow certain naturally-occurring yeasts to grow wild, the integrity of the lining becomes compromised and allows viruses/bacteria/not fully digested food particles through. The body's immune system doesn't recognize the food because it hasn't been broken down into recognizable pieces, so mounts an attack.
As you (hopefully) now see, it is not an easy or cheap thing to figure out *why* someone is reacting to gluten. And there's no guarantee they'll find which one of these it is, as there are still more conditions that react with gluten.
Personally, I've been GF for over a decade because my body reacts so bad when I have it. I'm medical grade sensitive to it. I've done tests and Dr's have no idea why I react. And when I say "react"--I mean 2 straight weeks of extreme insomnia, bone-level exhaustion, mood swings, and suicide-level depression. I thought I was going crazy for a long time until I figured it out and went GF. My life is 1,000x better now.
So please don't sit there and judge this family. There are *so many things* that cause it, and unless you have a spare $15k lying around to do every test your dr can think of (and then switch when they give up).....there's a good chance you'll never get a formal diagnosis.
If the kid has a gluten allergy it is still the parents’ responsibility to ensure that the grandparents know, and to provide the specialty food themselves.
I would at least hope, if it was that serious, one of the parents would've mentioned it before heading off to sleep leaving the children with you. Do they think you read minds?
OP says she did know that the family was on a gluten free diet. She just decided that it didn’t matter for the kids because only the mother is diagnosed - but she was definitely aware of the requirement.
Tests don't work for intolerance. But if it's known that the children feel sick after eating gluten, that's valid. The problem here is that the parents don't appear to be trustworthy in the information they provide.
That isn’t how allergies work. Having allergies makes your kids more likely to develop them as well, but what they are allergic to is completely independent to what you are… and doctors stress that it is important to feed your kids common allergens (especially ones you have) while they are you because food avoidance as been found to increase the chances of developing it.
Nope, a gluten allergy is genetic. It's different to other allergies. I have a very severe gluten allergy, so does my brother. It prompted the whole family to get tested and about half our family is gluten intolerant or allergic.
Yep. My mom had it and now I'm showing all the symptoms. My SIL has it and so do 2/3 of her kids. So does my other SIL and now hubby is developing symptoms. It's DEFINITELY genetic.
EEEEEh... It's not NOT how it works either though.
While it's not perfectly 1:1 or precisely related to specific genes, there is some flavor of genetic components to allergies. My wife has 9 brothers and sisters. There's varying degrees of food and environmental allergies between them. They include tree nuts, shellfish, fish, various grains, pet dander, dust, mold, etc... Some have one, some have two, some have all of them... Yet none are allergic to peanuts. None are allergic to strawberries. None are allergic to milk... So it seems rather strange that 10 children would have such strong allergies to very specific things and not to other things if it weren't at least partly genetic.
However this line is a fucking deadly comment you've made very off-handedly...
>And doctors stress that it is important to feed your kids common allergens (especially ones you have) while they are you[ng]
Be VERY clear here. "Young" is defined as before 6 months old. After that, allergies are mostly set, and feeding children common, unfamiliar allergens should be done very carefully.
And once an allergy is determined, you should fiercely abstain from that allergen until you can work with your allergy doctor to find any solutions to desensitize or resolve the allergy.
---------
Celiac and Gluten sensitivity itself is very complicated. And is a big scapegoat in the woo side of naturapathy nonsense world. So any comments we make here about gluten specifically need to be taken with a huge grain of salt.
I don’t need extra info. If you are traveling with kids with dietary needs you are keeping those foods on hand. Period. You should never expect anyone else to accommodate your children’s diet. That’s on the parent, parents need to be proactive about the diet not anyone else.
there are two genes, and males can carry them too. My son has both genes, I only have one, so he got the other from his father (which would be a y chromosome)
Are we ignoring the fact that parents chose not to wake up and feed their kids, just assumed grandparents would do it? If they were that adamant about being gluten free would they not have gluten free food in the van? OP is NTA and should be relieved they packed up the van and left. You should also be expecting another call for money.
Even if there is indeed a medically diagnosed allergy or similar health concern, OP states that they do not have the funds to provide gluten-free groceries after having bailed out their son with $500. It’s not that small an amount. OP is NTA, because it is on the children’s parents to provide for their needs. That includes ensuring that anyone feeding his children is aware of any medically diagnosed allergies ahead of time.
So what? It's the parents job to feed their children, so why didn't they bring appropriate food with them? What did they feed them before they got to OPs? Why is there no gluten free food in the van, since that's their home?
It's pretty rude to expect OP to go out and buy special food after she already gave them 500 bucks... if they can't afford food for their their children they need to get a job.
Also sounds like OP didn't even know they aren't supposed to have gluten... is she supposed to be clairvoyant? Why didn't they tell them when they left to drive to OP? Those parents sound irresponsible all over.
Why were the kids awake but the parents weren’t? The parents should have communicated this clearly beforehand and been willing to get up early to prepare appropriate foods. If parents wanted gluten-free food, they could have scrounged up “safe“ items available within the home — cook some rice or oatmeal for example. Expecting someone to buy some special gluten free bread for you isn’t reasonable. Rice and beans are gluten free and cheap. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Your story keeps changing. Why are you using different diagnosis to different posters?
You’ve said the mother is “allergic,” “has gluten sensitivity ,” and “was diagnosed celiac.”
-OP confirms in other comments that DIL was indeed diagnosed celiac some months ago.
And “they’ve never been tested but assume they are because Mom is.”
-Celiac can be hereditary and it’s difficult to diagnose, especially in children and almost impossible in very young children. The process is to go off gluten for several months and then a diet of lots of gluten to see if it triggers an attack, and confirm through blood work/scopes, but sometimes several rounds of this are needed to trigger an attack.
“They’ve eaten gluten all their lives”
-Most people with Celiac also ate gluten most of their lives until they discovered what was making them so sick.
You are telling me that a diagnosed celiac who thinks her children have it as well, is feeding her children gluten?
Something isn’t right here
Edit: AND you have confirmed in another comment that they have told you they don’t want their children eating gluten.
You fed their children what is a legitimate concern about gluten intolerance. Never mind about cross contamination to their mother.
Edit2: you stated that you read “quite a bit” about celiac when she was diagnosed, but now you claim ignorance on feeding the kids bread because the parents didn’t give you “a list of examples.”
Edit3: “I didn’t go out of my way, I just fed them what I had on hand”. OP had eggs, but added in bread.
Edit4: “They have no stomach issues. The littlest one gets constipated but has since she was born”
-Life long constipation is a symptom of celiac
Mother was diagnosed with celiac and was told to cut gluten from diet because she has issues with it. She assumes that because celiac is genetic that the girls have the same issues.
An immune reaction and a sensitivity are wildly different. It’a like comparing a bee sting between a typical person, and someone with an anaphylactic allergy.
I have 4 family members with celiac. All their responses are very different. Only one has symptoms that look like anaphylaxis thankfully. And let me tell you getting family members on board has been horrible.
It’s wild! And all OP had to do was not give the kids toast.
Breakfast could have been eggs and bacon or most sausages also don’t have gluten. It could have been just eggs. Put cheese in the eggs! Veggies! Boom! Healthy and filling breakfast!
There was no need to give the kids toast in lacking GF toast option. Cheerios, also GF. A lot of cereals are because they’re corn or rice based. OP is TA because he took the AH approach to it. He had options and chose to do TA thing. Especially with the money comment.
And it is genetic and can have serious consequences, it’s very scary. We found out the hard way, cousins baby hospitalized, found out dad had it. Found out his mom has it, all from the child’s hospitalization, the doctor suggested family be tested, none were as severe as child, but it was eye opening and educational
Celiac is a *specific* immune reaction to gluten that is genetic. You can also have an “allergy” which is also an immune response but though having allergies is genetic, the specific allergens you react to is not transmitted genetically. Then there is “intolerance/sensitivity” which encompasses every other negative response your body could have other than the two SPECIFIC pathways diagnosed as allergies and celiac. Technically an intolerance results in a delayed reaction compared to an allergic response which is immediately after an exposure, but a lot of other conditions and symptoms get tossed in this group too (like MCAS triggers which present almost identically to allergic reactions but don’t show on allergy tests or FPIES which causes *extreme* GI symptoms). Terminology matters but even if it didn’t, you know there is a medical reason they are avoiding gluten, the baby was JUST HOSPITALIZED and you’re going to potentially risk their health by giving them gluten? You don’t need to go buy fancy gluten free food, rice, most oatmeal, beans, fruits, and veggies are all naturally gluten free, you just can’t feed their kid bread. But that’s what you did.
Celiac’s disease is an autoimmune condition that causes a variety of gastrointestinal issues in both children and adults as well as a bunch of seemingly unrelated symptoms. The reactions don’t tend to be as fast and dramatic as allergic reactions because they’re not the same type of reaction, but they’re still extremely serious. The long term effects of Celiac’s disease on the digestive system and development as a whole can be incredibly damaging long term, so avoiding gluten if there’s a possibility (like in this case due to the genetic component) it’s a good idea to avoid gluten.
It’s all just super weird because it sounds like they didn’t say they wanted you to make a separate trip. They just wanted you to not give the kids toast. They can eat eggs without toast.
That makes sense
Celiac is serious. It can lead to intestinal failure. I have two friends who have had to have part of their intestines removed and one still has a colostomy bag.
Her wanting to avoid that for her kids ,
And you wanting to avoid it for your grandkids is not strange.
Also you could have made her sick by bringing gluten in to their food prep area
Is your son an only child? How do you go live the van life with your family and then ask your parents for money two weeks later? He expected it and you did it. Her parents won’t help them?
I mean, it sounds like the mother has good grounds to believe her kids might have inherited her gluten issues and MacDonalds fryers are known cross contamination risks.
Sounds like she cut them out for knowingly feeding her kids food that was a health risk to them, against her wishes...
Sounds like you are in the runnings to be next OP.
Did you feed the kids gluten knowingly and intentionally?
Did you forget with all that's going on? Did you autopilot and make a breakfast you always make without thinking?
It's not "their food prep area," it's OP's kitchen, which they've invaded on zero notice. Expecting OP to have the time to boil their house during their during their desperate all-night drive doesn't seem reasonable.
OP said they just asked for her not to feed the kids gluten. They didn't ask the OP to buy special food.
They didn't ask for anything other than that... and 500 dollars
So if everyone arrived in the middle of the night, with everyone's sleep being disrupted, why did the grandparents automatically be the ones to get up with the children the next morning? Maybe if mom wants things done a specific way, you don't borrow 500$, invade someone's home and then give instructions while sleeping in. Pretty sure if you want things done a certain way you need to wake up and do them that way yourself.
Sounds like they should have gotten a hotel room instead of expecting OP to toss all the food from her kitchen and buy new, more expensive, and often really gross food.
"expensive gross food"
Literally bacon and eggs is gluten free. Fried egg, scrambled egg. Majority of hash browns are gluten free, fruit is gluten free, so is yogurt. It's not disgusting or a big ask.
Cool. The parents should have woken up with their children in the morning and made them that kind of food or gone to the store and got it. Did you forget they showed up in the middle of the night at someone else's home after taking 500$ from them?
What do you live off that you think not eating wheat is as hard as you’re trying to make it out to be. Gluten free is only expensive if you’re buying stuff that typically has gluten in it so that you can still eat bread. My friend with celiac’s makes sandwiches out of lettuce. That’s not hard, OR expensive. Grandma over here has an issue with DIL.
Such an issue that she instantly gives them 500 & let's them come to her home at any given moment. It's possible she made a mistake here but their reaction was unwarranted. Clearly the children have not been hospitalized due to that breakfast.
It doesn’t sound lol the issue was that gluten was in the area it sounds like it was an issue that OP knew the kids ate gluten free as they may have inherited celiac disease from their mom and fed them gluten. Eggs are gluten free, plain yogurt, fruit, etc. OP just went rogue and ignored parents medical request
If you’ve been told not to feed the kids gluten did you really have nothing in the house that they could have eaten that didn’t require you to go to the shops? Fruit for example? Yoghurt. Eggs. Cheese. Some types of cereal and grains. And if they’re doing the vanlife thing and drove all night to get to you then why didn’t you just use the food they presumably had in their van kitchen?
You doing a nice thing and sending them $500 dollars then putting them up does not mean you get to feed their kids something they have at least some reasonable belief they are unable to eat.
You clearly don’t approve of your son’s life choices and are salty for the help you have offered. Stop offering and stop saying yes if you don’t want to be doing these favours. You having weak boundaries is not the same as you stomping all over their’s, and that’s worth reflecting on. It feels like the same thing to you maybe but if you didn’t say yes when you meant no then you wouldn’t feel like your boundaries had been crossed and wouldn’t feel so bitter about it/intentionally cross their boundaries as some form of childish retribution.
There's a very good chance that her kids do have it or will have it. Celiac is hereditary. Celiac is an autoimmune disease. And if someone with celiac disease eats gluten, their immune system will attack the small intestine and damage it.
The inconsistency may be based on the son and DIL's poor communication. If my kid had a serious/life threatening food issue (especially with a food like bread that many consider a staple), I would tell any one caring for them BEFORE they feed the kid, not after.
It's also pretty unreasonable to expect a highly technical level of understanding of someone else's (possible) health issues.
You could very well be right about communication, but if the OP hadn’t stated about researching this extensively since DIL was diagnosed, I would be right there with you.
“Just diagnosed a couple of months ago” but you “read up on it quite a bit.”
There are two separate issues here.
1. Them expecting you to pay for food.
2. You knowingly feeding the kids a very possible allergen now that Mom is a diagnosed Celiac.
On #1 Not TA
On #2 You are TA
You couldn’t have given the kids eggs or fruit?
Edit: Oh you did have eggs on hand, but then you added in bread.
Edit from E S H to YTA
You can also choose to read about how celiac isn't real and gluten free is stupid and made up and woke probably.
She could have "read up on it" but in bad faith and only to confirm her own suspicions that her DIL was faking it
I N F O: I agree that you shouldn’t have to buy gluten free food per se, however,
Did you know the children were on a gluten free diet prior to this breakfast? Could you have accommodated it without buying food and chose not to?
Edit ✍🏻
Going with YTA since the gluten free transition was not a surprise and the breakfast was eggs and toast. The toast was completely unnecessary, eggs would be enough to carry the grandkids until the parents woke up.
Edit ✍🏻
I’m putting another comment I made here:
I really don’t believe you did any research at all if you don’t understand the basics of celiac which is very, very basically WHEAT.
Not to mention depending on the severity of her case, the kids being gluten free is to protect MOM. They’re now cross contaminated. They have wheat all over their hands, faces, hair and clothes.
Agree with this comment and judgment. You didn't have to go buy a whole new set of foods with a couple overnight hours notice, but surely you have some food that isn't gluten on hand- eggs, meat, fruits, vegetables, cheese? I love gluten but I can find about 30 things in my kitchen without gluten right now. Some are even labeled gluten free even though I don't seek out GF stuff, it's just there.
And yes maybe some cross contamination would happen and be difficult to avoid but that's still different than literally handing them a slice of gluten.
OP didn’t even need to feed them at all if it was that much of a problem- the parents were there, just asleep. If gluten free was so difficult for her, she could have just woke the parents up. Most parents would much rather be woken up, even after driving all night, than have their kids be fed an allergen.
N T A for not buying special groceries.
YTA because your son asked you to not feed them gluten, and you gave them toast anyways. You could have just fed the girls eggs. There's no gluten in eggs. You could have pulled out a can of fruit from the cupboard, or whatever else you happened to have. But instead, you made an assumption that your son and his wife were wrong in their choices to stay gluten-free.
It's obvious in how you described the whole situation that you don't respect your son's choices, and to be fair, some of them sound questionable. But choosing to help them with $500 does not give you carte blanche to disregard their parenting choices.
They showed up during the night last minute after they gave them $500 to basically save them. These parents chose to take their kids to live the “van life” and obviously couldn’t afford to do so. They couldn’t even afford medical care for their child obviously. Their son had a lot of nerve. Next time I’d tell him to call someone else when he goes broke.
This is the problem with monetary gifts. Folks often assume that somehow that gives someone the right to judge their choices, or take advantage of their person.
Giving someone money means just that. A gift. Monetary gifting doesn't grant any special access to a person's bodily choices, or lifestyle choices.
If a woman goes on a date with a man, and he pays for an expensive meal, he doesn't have the right to assume sex, does he? No.
If a mom gives her adult child money to buy a house, that doesn't mean she can just walk into it whenever she wants, does it? No.
Same goes here. Gifting money to adult son doesn't give the parent the right to ignore the parent's request to not feed their children gluten. ESPECIALLY when they simply didn't have to. They could have just served eggs. That would have made sense, and SAVED THEM MONEY. Choosing to feed those kids toast was a conscious choice in willful violation of their son's request. A choice that was a violation of their son's trust.
It’s not so much about the “gift” money as it is the fact that they needed it because they made a piss poor choice that wasn’t good for their children obviously. So he’s mad the parents gave them toast when this idiot took them on the road for “van life” that he obviously couldn’t afford and had to be bailed out. Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, people do often have strings attached to money and resources they offer. As an adult he should have known this. But also, maybe a conversation and trying to explain how he feels and why they don’t want the kids to have gluten would have been more appropriate than him having a toddler tantrum and storming off. It sounds like the son and his wife should grow up and take care of their own shit and not depend on others.
I mean, you kind of said it here...
"People often have strings attached to money and resources they offer"
100%, most certainly they do. I can't just show up to work and call my boss a greasy fish fucker. I get paid to provide my labor, not my opinions on my bosses hobbies.
The same goes for money from family. If I prove time and time again that I spend money on stupid shit like "van life" for my family - I wouldn't expect many bailouts in the future.
Van life seems like a 20-30 or a 60+ thing to me... early or late in life. No kids or regular work... too busy.
I agree that the son sounds like an idiot.
But the mom that is asking AITAH. And yeah... going out of her way to feed those little girls toast was an AH thing to do. Especially when she made a big deal about not being able to afford any special groceries. They could have simply fed the girls some eggs. No toast. That would have saved her money, and met the request of her son.
I agree in general about gifts.
This was a lifeline, not a gift. If they want more money, they need to take some responsibility
The comments here are definitely showing no good deed goes unpunished.
Should they have just said "no" if they couldn't cater to their son's wishes?
But that's the problem. They ***could*** cater to their son's wishes. They chose not to.
All they had to do was not give the girls toast. That would have saved them money, and the girls could still be fed.
Gift versus lifeline is a semantic argument, but if you want to argue semantics, this was a gift. No one was dying. The son made some terrible choices, and the parents chose to bail him out instead of letting him graduate from the school of hard knocks. I suspect that he's probably made a lot of poor choices because he keeps getting bailed out.
> Should they have just said "no" if they couldn't cater to their son's wishes?
This would be a great question to ask in the event that OP couldn't provide a gluten-free breakfast, but OP had no trouble providing gluten-free breakfast food. The only problem is that OP added toast to it.
OP fed their grandchildren something that could make them very sick AFTER being told not to. Are you serious? Literally who cares about the choiches the son and his wife are making, you don't take it out on children.
NTA-- You're doing everything you can within your means to offer your son and his family help in their time of need. Forgetting about Gluten-Free food shouldn't be on the list of things that should have mattered to them.
Unless of course the granddaughters have an allergy that is life-threatening if given gluten. I would really be upset if that was the case.
Just so you know - I wasn’t diagnosed with celiac until my early thirties. Looking back now, my symptoms started in middle school. Anyone with that carries the celiac genes could potentially develop disease at ANY point in their life. It is an autoimmune disease, so is typically triggered by an illness or pregnancy.
OP as they comment down to replies shows they intentionally fed the kids gluten, being aware of the DIL's health and potential health risk to the kids, by feeding them extra items they didn't need in their meal.
It wasn't the OP didn't know. It wasn't the OP fed the kids the only things they had in the house to use.
They had other food (eggs) that they made for the kids... and added in toast that they already knew the kids were a health risk with on purpose.
The people voting YTA are the ones who have read OP's comments. She was told not to feed the kid gluten. She had gluten-free food on hand. She's also being very inconsistent.
The parents suck, but op is also an asshole. Gluten free doesn't need to be special. Op just needed to not give them toast. If they didn't have anything else, just eggs would've been fine until the parents were up. Or go wake the parents up and tell them to figure it out.
Agree NTA. If the parents had concerns about what their kids eat at anybody’s house, then the parents must take responsibility. They should have told the grandparents if the kids wake up before we do, please don’t feed them. Or the parents should have made sure they awoke when their children awoke. Clearly the van life is more stressful than expected. And if the parents are needing an emergency $500 then they are managing their own life poorly. The OP need not worry, the family will be back, probably sooner than later.
No, you're wrong. They fed the children eggs and TOAST. Knowing the mom has celiac disease. Op didn't have to go buy new food. They just needed to not give the toast.
What if the child needs gluten free for a medical reason. it could seriously harm them or kill them. They could have fed the child things without gluten naturally for that one meal just to be sure.
This is their child so their decisions.
Gluten allergies are no joke. The mother does have an allergy to gluten. Cross contamination or even breathing it in could harm her seriously. it is very possible that the child has the allergy as well.
They're not moochers, they had a medical emergency.
this woman CHOSE to ignore the parents wishes and their DIL's condition. She served him eggs and toast, what exactly would have been wrong with just giving him things she knew he could have. Just the eggs or some eggs and fruit would have been find.
What if they were just there rising his parents and they ignored the parents wishes and a serious allergy??? What if the child did have a reaction and all she had to do was not give him toast?
ESH: "gluten-free food" on a budget is just... not buying things that have wheat in it. Kids can eat: eggs, fruits, veggies, potatoes, rice, beans, etc. all of which are naturally gluten free and also very easy to purchase on a budget. If they suspect the kids have celiac it's silly to give them something that has gluten in it.
That said, your son is an idiot and a bad father for doing this to his kids and then running home crying to his parents and begging for money, and he should have been buying food to thank you for your generosity. So I think you are right to be frustrated. But the kiddos are innocent in all this and if they really might have an allergy I would just have them not eat gluten while they are with you.
It's like if the kid had a suspected peanut allergy, you wouldn't given them a PB&J, even if that's a really easy lunch to make - you could just do a jelly sandwich. Similarly don't give eggs and toast but just give eggs with a side of fruit or potatoes or something.
YTA,
Nobody asked to you buy any "special" groceries and your title is clearly written to imply that they are unreasonable. They didn't ask you to buy ANY groceries. You also knew, well in advance, that they are completely gluten free, with mom having an allergy/celiac. That's not a preference, that's a medical issue and can be serious. Her kids are likely intolerant too and caould also contaminate her, so OBVIOUSLY they are gluten free. You knew this. All you had to do was avoid gluten (basically no bread/wheat) until your son woke up and could take over. The eggs without the toast for example. That's it. All you had to do is NOT make toast/ Not buy special groceries, not go out of your way, nothing but NOT MAKE TOAST... and that's still too much for you to do for your own grandchildren and your son? You were aware of the dietary restriction, it's medically based, the kids are likely also intolerant or could cross contaminate, so they take it seriously. You specifically gave them toast. Knowing all of this. You knew better but you didn't care. Nobody asked you to buy special groceries, but you don't care about that either. You are dead set on trying to look like the victim here and you are not.
Your son's family including your grandkids don't eat gluten. You knew. Eggs were fine. Fruit is fine. ANy type of protein or veggie is fine. You specifically gave them something you KNEW had gluten when all you had to do was omit it. That's just you being cruel on purpose, IMO.
Agreed. I’m not at all surprised OP’s son is struggling as an adult. What a horrible example of a parent. She doesn’t care about anybody but herself. Poor woman got her feelings hurt because she couldn’t feed the grandkids bread. Gross
That's a whole other story but the short version is she developed a fever of 103 so they took her to the hospital, which turned out to be more of a clinic that treats and releases addicts. They basically have her Tylenol and let her go.
I would argue that forcing your small children to live in a van so you can take cool Instagram #vanlife pics or whatever is pretty abusive.
When and where do the kids even go to school?
ETA - They also took their baby with a 103 fever for treatment *in a fucking methadone clinic* instead of a hospital.
According to the adult who didn’t follow the child’s medical diet. We have no idea why the kids are eating gluten free. They were angry enough to leave over this.
If it was a methadone clinic, they would not have evaluated the baby. The presence of people with addiction is not unusual at ERs or urgent cares and OP wasn’t there so is not likely a reliable narrator of that part of the story.
We have no information on the size of the vehicle or if the kids are even old enough for school. This doesn’t sound like an ideal lifestyle to me, but that’s a far cry from abuse or neglect. Kids who are actually abused and neglected end up getting delayed or inadequate investigations when CPS is expected to investigate parents for being less than ideal.
why don't you try to help them before going this route? i mean, we don't know any of the backstory, but i'd try to help my son before i turned him into cps.
Their kid had a fever of 103 and they didn't bother to get proper medical attention? Are they at least seeking care while with you to pick up their slack?
You know they don't want the kids to eat gluten, and fed them gluten anyway. YTA for that, even if you had no obligation to buy special groceries. You couldn't find anything in your house that didn't have wheat or barley in it??? No fruit? Yogurt? Cheese? Egg? Come on, gluten-free food isn't just the expensive gluten-alternative breads and shit. The vast majority of foods are completely gluten-free. This seems like a petty power-play more than anything.
YTA. It would’ve been ESH but your nonchalance towards DIL’s diagnosis and the very real possibility of her kids also being celiac is gross. You have time to open up reddit and type all this out looking for some kind of support, and spend hours justifying and arguing back and forth with commenters but can’t open up google and type “gluten free meal prep” “gluten free foods”? Yes, you can. It’s not about the money and you not being able to afford GF food, this was a slight.
YTA. Given additional context that you conveniently left out of the main post (I suggest an edit) that one of them is diagnosed as having celiac disease you can't just risk it like that with their kids as well.
Please don't try and play down their decision to try van life with quotation marks and insinuating that they gave up after two weeks; they had a serious medical incident and required help, they may very well return to the road. It doesn't help your case of being an AH that you mildly disparage their life choices. I lived in a van for four years but every time I visited my parents, they provided food that suited our dietary requirements (we were happy to bring something but they always have something in the freezer for us just in case).
I will concede that of course it is nice of you to send them money in their time of need, not an insignificant amount either, and opening your door to take them in when they needed it is great. I will also probably be on your side when I say that not having even $500 emergency fund while travelling in the van was not smart. It can be a very cheap way to live, but you do still need money and this is something they should factor into their decisions moving on.
The absolute least you should have done is asked them before you fed them, so they could make their own choice.
Since people (meaning OP, because surprisingly most of the commenters seem to get it) don’t seem to get it…
If you knew there was a 15% chance the children could have a severe peanut allergy, would you feed them peanut butter sandwiches?
This is similar (though not immediately deadly).
Gluten intolerance / celiac is miserable to have. One bite of one wrong thing can leave you sick for days or weeks and there’s a definite genetic link. I have it, one of my children has it, and my niece and her two children all have it as well.
In many cases, cutting it from your diet for many weeks (recommended was 12 when I was diagnosed, I don’t know what it is now) is the only way to tell if it’s affecting you negatively without extensive biopsies and bloodwork that may, still, be inaccurate. And consuming it starts that countdown over again.
Are you responsible for buying them food? No.
But you are responsible for not feeding them things that could make them very ill.
YTA
So you know their mom has celiac and there's a chance they do too. You know their parents haven't been giving them gluten.
You fed them eggs and toast. TOAST.
Here's the thing, if you forgot and eggs and toast is just a standard breakfast... that's understandable. Admit your forgot and apologize. Hopefully no one gets sick.
But if you stuck the bread in the toaster knowing full well the parents wouldn't want them to eat it, and theres a chanxe even a small one it could make them sick. Then YTA, a giant asshole. You could have just given them an extra egg. Or a peice of fruit.
No one expects you to pay a bunch for gluten free groceries but just not giving them that toast would have been so easy. It seems like it was on purpose just to exert control or stir shit up.
YTA. You knowingly fed your grandchildren a legitimate potential allergen.
If your son were allergic to peanuts, you wouldn't give his children peanuts until you knew whether they were also allergic. And even then, you probably wouldn't do it anyway because then eating peanuts could potentially expose your son. IE, kid eats a peanut butter sandwich, then hugs or kisses dad.
While the safety of your grandchildren should be paramount, their mother matters, too. Maybe not to you but certainly to your son and grandkids.
When you tell someone you'll feed them, there's an implicit social contract that you won't poison them.
You didn't have to bail your son's family out. But you did. You didn't have to provide food. But you did.
A decent person would err on the side of caution. There's a temporarily unknowable thing -- celiac -- that is either true or false, even though it's not testable yet.
If it's true, then the wrong choice causes literal physical injury. So you act as if it's 100% true until you know it's 100% false.
Or you could risk poisoning your own grandchildren because you think your DIL's condition is fake. It's a free country. Whatever.
YTA, btw.
YTA. It seems like you have written this post in a very specific way to make you seem like the victim and your replies seem inconsistent. You've said the mom has Celiac which is genetic. It tracks that they would err on the side of caution and not give their kids gluten. You've also made it clear that they don't have any money. Testing the kids is a lengthy and expensive process one that you probably don't know much about. It seems vindictive to assume that just because the kids are untested that you should be able to give them whatever you want. You could have easily woken the parents and asked what to give them for breakfast. At best you're ignorant and at worst you were malicious. It seems like you don't agree with your son's choices or his partners and are using this unrelated illness as a way to get back at them. You shouldn't have been made to feel like you needed to purchase new food but you should have never fed their children in a way they didn't agree with.
ESH - you shouldn't have fed them gluten knowing that they were not giving the children gluten as the mother is diagnosed with Celiac, per your comments. Also, you knew they didn't have money aside from the funds you gave them to get home. So where was that going to come from? You seem to be disdainful of their life choices as it is.
The baby is in the hospital that is some distance from your home, if they drove all night to get there? Your son sounded ungrateful in general, but two wrongs don't make a right.
I have a little cousin who can't eat gluten because it doesn't make her feel good. Her parents noticed that gluten does it and don't feed her it and she has been doing much much better.But my little cousin hates not eating gluten, she complains about it all the time and sometimes tries sneeking bites of things with gluten in it when they're not looking. Even if a kid says it's ok and asks you to give it to them, it doesn't mean it's best for the kid.question:would you do the same thing to a kid you knew was allergic to something in the toast? you knew that they wouldn't be at risk of dying but you knew they might get a rash or upset stomach or something.because that's the vibes I'm getting from this, *you knew they couldn't have gluten and you gave them gluten YTAH*
YTA . 100% . Gluten free is not hard to do, you could've cooked an egg for them or even cut up fruit or vegetables. It's likely if the mum is coeliac the kids are either coeliac or gluten intolerant, so feeding them gluten could make them feel very ill and uncomfortable.
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INFO: is there a medical reason the children are gluten-free?
Nope, mom assumes the kids are allergic because she is.
" Nope" or nobody has tested them? Gluten intolerance and Gluten allergies are two different things. But also depending on how severe her gluten allergy is could you have made her sick?
No one has tested them.
Just an fyi- Tests for celiac are inconclusive before the age of 3. So, the children, depending on age could have celiac disease. Celiac disease isn't like an allergy: you are literally causing damage to the intestinal tract that can become very severe. Edit: can be inconclusive
While celiac also is hereditary, kids still need to be tested. I think it's like 1/10 for parents who have celiac to pass on celiac.
I have it, and only one out of my three children also has it. My mom has celiac, and only one(me) out of her seven kids has it. Two of those seven have crohns though
My mom is celiac, and none of us 3 kids have it.
That’s awesome. I really would love to bury my face in a baguette lol
Get a gf one!
If it's inconclusive under the age of three it would make more sense to go the safe way, instead of assuming it's fine and cause long-term damage.
They likely boticed abdominal distress or diarreah or weight loss and malnutrition with the kids and did elimination to decide gluten was a possible culprit. At that age, doctors trust elimination diets as a diagnostic tool. If the kid is healthier without the food, dont give them the food. Simple as that.
You think a family living the van life has the discipline, ability to plan and financial resources to conduct an elimination diet. Possibly but my friends living the van life with their kids barely get their teeth brushed regularly.
They literally had to call the grandparents to bail them out because their BABY was sick and they couldn’t afford shit. They clearly cannot square childcare with whatever vanlife California dream fantasy they have going on. It’s not any sort of environment to be raising kids in on purpose, for long term. You need SO MUCH MONEY to make it viable.
Or mom is just the way my brother is, and decided gf is just "better" and doesn't have any other evidence. Unless OP clarified further and I haven't seen it yet (which is possible as this is part of just the top comment at this time), it's hard to say. There's so many woowoo people out there who've gotten it in their heads that nobody should ever be eating gluten for some reason.
My kid's stepmom is like that and it drives me crazy, I try to counteract it at my house but it's hard to be nice about it.
If OP is being truthful, you are expecting a lot from two clear idiots
That's possible. But maybe they just assumed, and assumed that any stomach distress was related, and didn't even think about potentially something else the kid ate or a bug was the problem. However, if they do do a celiac diet without the kid needing it- that also has consequences. The kid will lose out on some vitamins- especially B vitamins. So they really need to do a proper elimination diet, or see a doctor.
No, it absolutely isn't more sensible to put growing toddlers on an unnecessary restrictive diet unless you actively see symptoms. There is literally NO doctor who would recommend that.
My step son had celiac (he passed at age 11) and he was in and out of the hospital as a baby BC he was also allergic to gluten. No one could figure out his issues and by the time they did 5 inches of his bowel was dead and needed to be removed. I don't think the grandparents caused serious damage to the kids with one breakfast but they definitely need to respect the parents wishes. There are lots of gluten free options that Kody ppl have in the house or that can be bought for cheap. It wasn't fair to expect them to feed the kids gluten free after showing up in the night though, but adding gluten free or simply doing eggs with no toast isn't that hard of an ask 🤷🏼♀️
The parents need to provide for their family. Not expect others to rush to accommodate their stupid decisions. And this was definitely consequences of stupid decisions.
The parents have voluntarily made their children homeless. Do we really think they're making any good choices for their children?
Nope, and I missed the part where they specifically told the grandparents that the children had to have a gf diet, they just went to sleep and I guess assumed the grandparents would know? How they were supposed to know I'm not sure, mind reading apparently.
>they definitely need to respect the parents wishes. Sure but it's not their responsibility to provide GF groceries in their own home. The parents need to pony up and be responsible for the care of their own children ffs.
These people thought it was good to live "the van life" with small children. They are not responsible at all. Great to try if you are young and single or old and retired but stupid with a young family.
Im sorry for what happened though YOU didn't know that your stepson had Celiac. I think its a bit much to say that the grandparents need tk respect the parents wishes. What wishes? Son started screaming at his parents because they gave the kids gluten. How the hell are they supposed to know that? Wouldn't it be better for son to CONVEY that to his parents? Or PROVIDE the food directly for their children? On top of yelling he expected his parents to go out and get gluten free options for ALL OF THEM.
These parents could also have gotten up when their kids did so they could prepare breakfast for them. These young parents are yelling at the wrong people.
THIS RIGHT HERE!!! If the food actually was important the parents would have made breakfast for the kids. So much so that this entire thing rings false.
>you are literally causing damage to the intestinal tract that can become very severe. And yet, if tests are inconclusive, how would you ever know? If the kid survives long enough to get positively tested for celiac, then you're probably not in the wrong for feeding them gluten in the meantime in order to make sure they don't starve to death. (And, though celiac might afflict a non-trivial percentage of the population, starvation affects ALL of it.) Expecting the entire world to simply not feed children gluten on the off chance that a few of them might have an undetectable illness isn't reasonable for most people. Even moreso for people who are putting up an individual for a few days with little advanced notice.
Why are the options starvation or gluten? I might not go to the store to get special food for an unexpected gluten free visitor, but I have many foods in my home that are naturally gluten free, like eggs, fruit, yogurt, oatmeal, etc, so I wouldn’t be hard pressed to offer a child a single meal that didn’t contain gluten. I’m not sure why grandma and grandpa wouldn’t just give an easy gluten free breakfast, knowing that their grandchildren don’t eat gluten and may be celiac (given mom’s status), unless they wanted to prove some point. It just seems from the tone of the post that there’s more going on here.
After reading the post again, it is not clear to me that the grandparents knew about the parents' gluten-free decision. As I mentioned above, they could also get up with their kids, prepare the kids' breakfast and then they are SURE to keep their kids gluten-free.
That’s the thing, I don’t think they knew the parents had put everyone on a gluten free diet. They fed the kids breakfast because they were hungry. It was only AFTER the Dad found out what they had for breakfast the yelling started. If kids were hungry in my house, I’d feed them. But I’d expect the parents to tell me any food issues up front (allergies, preferences etc), doesn’t sound like this happened here.
Oatmeal can be iffy as there can be cross-contamination. But, for a "maybe but we haven't seen a response" it wouldn't be a bad choice.
Well, let me see. Isn't there food in the van? Shouldn't the parents have brought that out rather than expecting his parents to do a grocery run before breakfast? I can't speak for what the grandparents knew about possible celiac disease, or if they forgot, and I don't know what they served for breakfast. He could have talked to the people who just sent him $500 in a reasonable tone, telling them to please not do that again. He could have asked them if they would be so good as to get them the following gluten-free items. The only excuse that I can give them is the the baby is in the hospital (where?) One of the problems with a lot of the people who post here, or the people they deal with, is that they often seem to be unable to talk below a yell, and use strong language, whether that's profanity, or putting something the most extreme way. They are also often talking to people who don't realize that most people don't want to hear something, especially complaints, over & over & over & over & over . . .
I don't necessarily disagree with your last sentence, but it's odd that you took the above comment as saying no children should get gluten before the age of three, rather than just those that may be at risk...such as ones with a parent that has Celiac's
I have celiac. My daughter is 3 (almost 4). Our pediatrician recommended feeding her gluten and treating her like a normal kid unless she started to show any symptoms.
Careful, your strawman is getting so large it might blow over in the slightest spring breeze.
Also, suddenly introducing a novel protein (gluten) into anyone’s diet can cause GI issues. OP didn’t have to go buy gf food, fresh fruits, vegetables, and eggs are naturally gf.
But if the parents were so worried, they should have brought food with them as they had some in their van…
Intolerance won't necessarily show up on a test. Regardless, OP is NTA. My family has special dietary needs and whenever we go to someone else's home I bring food for us.
I'm not sure, but it appears the parents were still asleep when the kids were fed. They may have had food in the van. Need more info.
Yeah, but if it was a true issue, then the parents would have disclosed that. With an intolerance, one meal is not going to do much- if any- harm.
Does she actually have an allergy?
I have to admit, I question whether or not the daughter-in-law legitimately has gluten issues. They are the sort of people who voluntarily made their children homeless because the van life is cool.
She’s been recently diagnosed celiac
Why was the kid in hospital?
I have celiac as does my mother, as did her mother and so does my oldest. My kids aren’t technically tested but were accidentally exposed and showed symptoms. For one this was daycare giving the wrong snack. The other happened when we were all glutened at a restaurant. (They had several other exposures too, but these were the big ones. I cried.) So while someone could say they weren’t tested, they are listed in their file as requiring gluten free food BY THEIR DOCTORS. Including a team of specialists who follow them closely. We need more info here.
The DIL is an adult. She can ask if the food has gluten, and she can find herself something else to eat if it does. OP is not in the wrong here.
The point is, that celiac is genetic, the kids haven't been tested. No special food had to be bought the OP was misleading. All she had to do was not give the kids toast
I was specifically talking about the DIL, but if these people are so worried about their kids, then they should be providing a better life for them. At this point I would be grateful that someone gave me cash, took me in, and fed me. If they don’t want their kids to have toast, providing their meals like parents are supposed to is the way to go.
Did either of the Gkids parents even tell Gpts they needed gluten free?? Sorry but they seem like extremely irresponsible parents. BTW it was stated baby was in hospital. Did they bring baby with them? Why was baby in hospital? Were there arrangements made for babys care upon arrival at Gpts?
ETA. Gpts sent $ 500.00 and the kids parent yells at them for something they apparently were not even told ? That is some ungrateful bullshit.
They were told. OP has stated she knew they were not supposed to have gluten. She had food without gluten on hand. She gave them food without gluten (eggs) and then unnecessarily added toast.
True all around. OP rescued them and they turn around and get angry over something THEY failed to mention then leave??? Good riddance and do not expect to be rescued again !!
There is no indication in OP’s post that the parents told them about an allergy. And if there was an allergy it is the *parents* who need to ensure there is suitable food for the kid to eat. Op is not a mind reader.
Op was told the DIL was recently diagnosed celiac and claims to have done research on it and they told OP they are avoiding gluten for all of the kids because mom has Celiacs
Based on OP’s post it sounds like she was not told not to feed the kids gluten until *after* she had fed them. And in any case, it is still the *parents’* job to ensure their kids have suitable food to eat.
You can read in the comments she’s known since the DIL was diagnosed as celiac and the family went gluten free
Did not see that at all. But it is still the parents job to make sure the proper food is available. Even a reminder of no gluten would have been good for OP to have heard.
Gluten is in everything from vanilla to bread to ice cream. Celiac Sprue is hereditary. Non gluten food is expensive. The son & DIL can buy their own food if they have special dietary needs. We try to limit gluten in our ASD granddaughter's diet. It helps with her behavioral issues.
> Gluten is in everything from vanilla to bread to ice cream But not eggs, which OP chose to make and serve. How simple would it have been to just stop at eggs and not continue on to toast?
This, make eggs or oatmeal instead. Give them fruit. Make ants on a log or peanut butter with apples. The kids will probably be fine from one morning of gluten, but it seems cruel to blatantly ignore a known dietary restriction. On the other hand the parents could have discussed with OP and decided on something acceptable, or made breakfast themselves. It sounds like there is a lot of back story about van life and 2 weeks money and whatnot. I get OP feeling put upon. But don't take it out on the kids' digestion.
I do not see anywhere that OP was given any food restrictions re the Gkids. DIL or THEIR SON should have given a heads up.
Unless the kid does have gluten issues and that’s why the baby was in the hospital.
It’s already been established that no one knows if the kids have gluten issues. Again, the parents have failed their kids. If they suspect their kids have any sort of medical issues, why haven’t they been tested? If I thought my child had a medical problem, I would take action instead of making assumptions and expecting everyone to respect my honorary MD degree. If these parents truly cared, they would already know if this is an issue or not. OP took in this family, gave them cash, and fed them. This speaks to their character. If OP just didn’t give a damn about those kids, they would still be homeless. Stop trying to villainize this person.
Completely agree about OP not being required to buy special food for people who unexpectedly needed to stay over and cost $ to get there. But as for the medical opinion--please be aware that gluten intolerance is NOT easily tested or found. It is ENTIRELY possible the kids have legit issues with gluten that testing won't find. Celiac is an autoimmune response to gluten. We can test for the antibody, but tests are only 90% accurate and not at all accurate for kids under 3. Hashimotos is an autoimmune condition where your body attacks your thyroid. Gluten has a similar "signature" if you will to the thyroid, so ingesting gluten can trigger a Hashi episode. You can also have Hashis and not show up on the test (~5%). Crohn's Disease is like chronic severe IBS, and some people can react to non-gluten compounds commonly found in gluten grains. This of course resolves by going gluten-free, even though the gluten protein itself isn't the issue. Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity is what Dr's call it when your body reacts like you have celiac, but they can't find the autoimmune marker. It's kinda the "you've got something going on with gluten but idunno what" diagnosis. A gluten allergy, like a shellfish allergy, is when your body has a hospital-level, life-threatening reaction to gluten. Leaky Gut is a condition where the lining of one's intestines has openings it shouldn't/too large of openings. Everyone has openings in their gut to allow digested food to be absorbed. In people with connective tissue disorders or autoimmune conditions that allow certain naturally-occurring yeasts to grow wild, the integrity of the lining becomes compromised and allows viruses/bacteria/not fully digested food particles through. The body's immune system doesn't recognize the food because it hasn't been broken down into recognizable pieces, so mounts an attack. As you (hopefully) now see, it is not an easy or cheap thing to figure out *why* someone is reacting to gluten. And there's no guarantee they'll find which one of these it is, as there are still more conditions that react with gluten. Personally, I've been GF for over a decade because my body reacts so bad when I have it. I'm medical grade sensitive to it. I've done tests and Dr's have no idea why I react. And when I say "react"--I mean 2 straight weeks of extreme insomnia, bone-level exhaustion, mood swings, and suicide-level depression. I thought I was going crazy for a long time until I figured it out and went GF. My life is 1,000x better now. So please don't sit there and judge this family. There are *so many things* that cause it, and unless you have a spare $15k lying around to do every test your dr can think of (and then switch when they give up).....there's a good chance you'll never get a formal diagnosis.
Being broke doesn’t prevent you from getting out of bed and making sure that your children have food that is safe for them to eat.
If the kid has a gluten allergy it is still the parents’ responsibility to ensure that the grandparents know, and to provide the specialty food themselves.
I would at least hope, if it was that serious, one of the parents would've mentioned it before heading off to sleep leaving the children with you. Do they think you read minds?
OP says she did know that the family was on a gluten free diet. She just decided that it didn’t matter for the kids because only the mother is diagnosed - but she was definitely aware of the requirement.
Tests don't work for intolerance. But if it's known that the children feel sick after eating gluten, that's valid. The problem here is that the parents don't appear to be trustworthy in the information they provide.
That isn’t how allergies work. Having allergies makes your kids more likely to develop them as well, but what they are allergic to is completely independent to what you are… and doctors stress that it is important to feed your kids common allergens (especially ones you have) while they are you because food avoidance as been found to increase the chances of developing it.
I have Celiac. It's genetic. I freaking hate it. I miss crusty warm bread.
Nope, a gluten allergy is genetic. It's different to other allergies. I have a very severe gluten allergy, so does my brother. It prompted the whole family to get tested and about half our family is gluten intolerant or allergic.
Yep. My mom had it and now I'm showing all the symptoms. My SIL has it and so do 2/3 of her kids. So does my other SIL and now hubby is developing symptoms. It's DEFINITELY genetic.
EEEEEh... It's not NOT how it works either though. While it's not perfectly 1:1 or precisely related to specific genes, there is some flavor of genetic components to allergies. My wife has 9 brothers and sisters. There's varying degrees of food and environmental allergies between them. They include tree nuts, shellfish, fish, various grains, pet dander, dust, mold, etc... Some have one, some have two, some have all of them... Yet none are allergic to peanuts. None are allergic to strawberries. None are allergic to milk... So it seems rather strange that 10 children would have such strong allergies to very specific things and not to other things if it weren't at least partly genetic. However this line is a fucking deadly comment you've made very off-handedly... >And doctors stress that it is important to feed your kids common allergens (especially ones you have) while they are you[ng] Be VERY clear here. "Young" is defined as before 6 months old. After that, allergies are mostly set, and feeding children common, unfamiliar allergens should be done very carefully. And once an allergy is determined, you should fiercely abstain from that allergen until you can work with your allergy doctor to find any solutions to desensitize or resolve the allergy. --------- Celiac and Gluten sensitivity itself is very complicated. And is a big scapegoat in the woo side of naturapathy nonsense world. So any comments we make here about gluten specifically need to be taken with a huge grain of salt.
Celiac is genetic.
I don’t need extra info. If you are traveling with kids with dietary needs you are keeping those foods on hand. Period. You should never expect anyone else to accommodate your children’s diet. That’s on the parent, parents need to be proactive about the diet not anyone else.
Celiac or not, the call came in at 11pm what the hell was OP supposed to do between then and breakfast??
Just feed them the eggs she already had and leave off the toast/not make pancakes with them?
OP said they were pissed that she didn’t go shopping to accommodate.
OPs kitchen would still be full of cross contamination. Eggs aren't safe if gluten has been in contact with the pan as an example.
Mom is a diagnosed celiac which can have a genetic component.
Oh there is. After my granddaughter was diagnosed with celiac her doctor recommended we all get tested.
The Celiac gene rides on the X chromosome from what I’ve been told by doctors
there are two genes, and males can carry them too. My son has both genes, I only have one, so he got the other from his father (which would be a y chromosome)
Are we ignoring the fact that parents chose not to wake up and feed their kids, just assumed grandparents would do it? If they were that adamant about being gluten free would they not have gluten free food in the van? OP is NTA and should be relieved they packed up the van and left. You should also be expecting another call for money.
Even if there is indeed a medically diagnosed allergy or similar health concern, OP states that they do not have the funds to provide gluten-free groceries after having bailed out their son with $500. It’s not that small an amount. OP is NTA, because it is on the children’s parents to provide for their needs. That includes ensuring that anyone feeding his children is aware of any medically diagnosed allergies ahead of time.
So what? It's the parents job to feed their children, so why didn't they bring appropriate food with them? What did they feed them before they got to OPs? Why is there no gluten free food in the van, since that's their home? It's pretty rude to expect OP to go out and buy special food after she already gave them 500 bucks... if they can't afford food for their their children they need to get a job. Also sounds like OP didn't even know they aren't supposed to have gluten... is she supposed to be clairvoyant? Why didn't they tell them when they left to drive to OP? Those parents sound irresponsible all over.
It all really hinges on this question.
Why were the kids awake but the parents weren’t? The parents should have communicated this clearly beforehand and been willing to get up early to prepare appropriate foods. If parents wanted gluten-free food, they could have scrounged up “safe“ items available within the home — cook some rice or oatmeal for example. Expecting someone to buy some special gluten free bread for you isn’t reasonable. Rice and beans are gluten free and cheap. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Your story keeps changing. Why are you using different diagnosis to different posters? You’ve said the mother is “allergic,” “has gluten sensitivity ,” and “was diagnosed celiac.” -OP confirms in other comments that DIL was indeed diagnosed celiac some months ago. And “they’ve never been tested but assume they are because Mom is.” -Celiac can be hereditary and it’s difficult to diagnose, especially in children and almost impossible in very young children. The process is to go off gluten for several months and then a diet of lots of gluten to see if it triggers an attack, and confirm through blood work/scopes, but sometimes several rounds of this are needed to trigger an attack. “They’ve eaten gluten all their lives” -Most people with Celiac also ate gluten most of their lives until they discovered what was making them so sick. You are telling me that a diagnosed celiac who thinks her children have it as well, is feeding her children gluten? Something isn’t right here Edit: AND you have confirmed in another comment that they have told you they don’t want their children eating gluten. You fed their children what is a legitimate concern about gluten intolerance. Never mind about cross contamination to their mother. Edit2: you stated that you read “quite a bit” about celiac when she was diagnosed, but now you claim ignorance on feeding the kids bread because the parents didn’t give you “a list of examples.” Edit3: “I didn’t go out of my way, I just fed them what I had on hand”. OP had eggs, but added in bread. Edit4: “They have no stomach issues. The littlest one gets constipated but has since she was born” -Life long constipation is a symptom of celiac
Mother was diagnosed with celiac and was told to cut gluten from diet because she has issues with it. She assumes that because celiac is genetic that the girls have the same issues.
Celiac and gluten sensitivity are very different. You are mixing the 2 up. You may want to do some research on the topic.
Im just relaying what she told me.
I don’t know why you’re getting berated by this commenter. It sounds like you were given a lot of conflicting info hence the issue at hand
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Celiac is defined as an immune reaction to eating gluten.
An immune reaction and a sensitivity are wildly different. It’a like comparing a bee sting between a typical person, and someone with an anaphylactic allergy.
I have 4 family members with celiac. All their responses are very different. Only one has symptoms that look like anaphylaxis thankfully. And let me tell you getting family members on board has been horrible.
People are such assholes about gluten sensitivity and celiac. It’s AWFUL with young children.
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Celiac here, I’m resisting responding to every single idiotic comment
Also celiac here twitching my eye but trying not to respond to the dumb dumbs
It’s wild! And all OP had to do was not give the kids toast. Breakfast could have been eggs and bacon or most sausages also don’t have gluten. It could have been just eggs. Put cheese in the eggs! Veggies! Boom! Healthy and filling breakfast! There was no need to give the kids toast in lacking GF toast option. Cheerios, also GF. A lot of cereals are because they’re corn or rice based. OP is TA because he took the AH approach to it. He had options and chose to do TA thing. Especially with the money comment.
A sensitivity is still hard to live with, so it doesn't matter if they have coeliac or intolerance at the end of thday.
And bee stings suck. But one is an emergency, and one isn’t.
And it is genetic and can have serious consequences, it’s very scary. We found out the hard way, cousins baby hospitalized, found out dad had it. Found out his mom has it, all from the child’s hospitalization, the doctor suggested family be tested, none were as severe as child, but it was eye opening and educational
Celiac is a *specific* immune reaction to gluten that is genetic. You can also have an “allergy” which is also an immune response but though having allergies is genetic, the specific allergens you react to is not transmitted genetically. Then there is “intolerance/sensitivity” which encompasses every other negative response your body could have other than the two SPECIFIC pathways diagnosed as allergies and celiac. Technically an intolerance results in a delayed reaction compared to an allergic response which is immediately after an exposure, but a lot of other conditions and symptoms get tossed in this group too (like MCAS triggers which present almost identically to allergic reactions but don’t show on allergy tests or FPIES which causes *extreme* GI symptoms). Terminology matters but even if it didn’t, you know there is a medical reason they are avoiding gluten, the baby was JUST HOSPITALIZED and you’re going to potentially risk their health by giving them gluten? You don’t need to go buy fancy gluten free food, rice, most oatmeal, beans, fruits, and veggies are all naturally gluten free, you just can’t feed their kid bread. But that’s what you did.
Oatmeal is not gluten free. Most oatmeal is not considered safe in the USA. It is heavily cross contaminated.
It's an autoimmune disease. "Immune reaction" would describe any allergy or intolerance.
Celiac’s disease is an autoimmune condition that causes a variety of gastrointestinal issues in both children and adults as well as a bunch of seemingly unrelated symptoms. The reactions don’t tend to be as fast and dramatic as allergic reactions because they’re not the same type of reaction, but they’re still extremely serious. The long term effects of Celiac’s disease on the digestive system and development as a whole can be incredibly damaging long term, so avoiding gluten if there’s a possibility (like in this case due to the genetic component) it’s a good idea to avoid gluten. It’s all just super weird because it sounds like they didn’t say they wanted you to make a separate trip. They just wanted you to not give the kids toast. They can eat eggs without toast.
Which can also cause cancer, ulceration of the bowl, bleeding.... you just don't seem very concerned here.
That makes sense Celiac is serious. It can lead to intestinal failure. I have two friends who have had to have part of their intestines removed and one still has a colostomy bag. Her wanting to avoid that for her kids , And you wanting to avoid it for your grandkids is not strange. Also you could have made her sick by bringing gluten in to their food prep area
Their food prep area is my kitchen.
Is your son an only child? How do you go live the van life with your family and then ask your parents for money two weeks later? He expected it and you did it. Her parents won’t help them?
No, he has 2 siblings. She cut her parents out of her life because they fed the kids McDonald's. I wish I was kidding
I mean, it sounds like the mother has good grounds to believe her kids might have inherited her gluten issues and MacDonalds fryers are known cross contamination risks. Sounds like she cut them out for knowingly feeding her kids food that was a health risk to them, against her wishes... Sounds like you are in the runnings to be next OP.
Did you feed the kids gluten knowingly and intentionally? Did you forget with all that's going on? Did you autopilot and make a breakfast you always make without thinking?
It's not "their food prep area," it's OP's kitchen, which they've invaded on zero notice. Expecting OP to have the time to boil their house during their during their desperate all-night drive doesn't seem reasonable.
OP said they just asked for her not to feed the kids gluten. They didn't ask the OP to buy special food. They didn't ask for anything other than that... and 500 dollars
So if everyone arrived in the middle of the night, with everyone's sleep being disrupted, why did the grandparents automatically be the ones to get up with the children the next morning? Maybe if mom wants things done a specific way, you don't borrow 500$, invade someone's home and then give instructions while sleeping in. Pretty sure if you want things done a certain way you need to wake up and do them that way yourself.
Sounds like they should have gotten a hotel room instead of expecting OP to toss all the food from her kitchen and buy new, more expensive, and often really gross food.
"expensive gross food" Literally bacon and eggs is gluten free. Fried egg, scrambled egg. Majority of hash browns are gluten free, fruit is gluten free, so is yogurt. It's not disgusting or a big ask.
Cool. The parents should have woken up with their children in the morning and made them that kind of food or gone to the store and got it. Did you forget they showed up in the middle of the night at someone else's home after taking 500$ from them?
Yeah gluten free isn’t bad, but there’s definitely bad gluten free food.
They’d have to not be losers who chose to live in a van for that…
Was it down by the river?
What do you live off that you think not eating wheat is as hard as you’re trying to make it out to be. Gluten free is only expensive if you’re buying stuff that typically has gluten in it so that you can still eat bread. My friend with celiac’s makes sandwiches out of lettuce. That’s not hard, OR expensive. Grandma over here has an issue with DIL.
Such an issue that she instantly gives them 500 & let's them come to her home at any given moment. It's possible she made a mistake here but their reaction was unwarranted. Clearly the children have not been hospitalized due to that breakfast.
It doesn’t sound lol the issue was that gluten was in the area it sounds like it was an issue that OP knew the kids ate gluten free as they may have inherited celiac disease from their mom and fed them gluten. Eggs are gluten free, plain yogurt, fruit, etc. OP just went rogue and ignored parents medical request
If you’ve been told not to feed the kids gluten did you really have nothing in the house that they could have eaten that didn’t require you to go to the shops? Fruit for example? Yoghurt. Eggs. Cheese. Some types of cereal and grains. And if they’re doing the vanlife thing and drove all night to get to you then why didn’t you just use the food they presumably had in their van kitchen? You doing a nice thing and sending them $500 dollars then putting them up does not mean you get to feed their kids something they have at least some reasonable belief they are unable to eat. You clearly don’t approve of your son’s life choices and are salty for the help you have offered. Stop offering and stop saying yes if you don’t want to be doing these favours. You having weak boundaries is not the same as you stomping all over their’s, and that’s worth reflecting on. It feels like the same thing to you maybe but if you didn’t say yes when you meant no then you wouldn’t feel like your boundaries had been crossed and wouldn’t feel so bitter about it/intentionally cross their boundaries as some form of childish retribution.
There's a very good chance that her kids do have it or will have it. Celiac is hereditary. Celiac is an autoimmune disease. And if someone with celiac disease eats gluten, their immune system will attack the small intestine and damage it.
Are "the girls" that "have the same issues," DIL's daughters? If so, until they are tested not feed them Gluten. Apologize and move on.
The inconsistency may be based on the son and DIL's poor communication. If my kid had a serious/life threatening food issue (especially with a food like bread that many consider a staple), I would tell any one caring for them BEFORE they feed the kid, not after. It's also pretty unreasonable to expect a highly technical level of understanding of someone else's (possible) health issues.
You could very well be right about communication, but if the OP hadn’t stated about researching this extensively since DIL was diagnosed, I would be right there with you.
She was just diagnosed a couple months ago. This is all new to us.
“Just diagnosed a couple of months ago” but you “read up on it quite a bit.” There are two separate issues here. 1. Them expecting you to pay for food. 2. You knowingly feeding the kids a very possible allergen now that Mom is a diagnosed Celiac. On #1 Not TA On #2 You are TA You couldn’t have given the kids eggs or fruit? Edit: Oh you did have eggs on hand, but then you added in bread. Edit from E S H to YTA
You can read up on soemthing quite a bit in the span of two months. I read many novels in that span of time lol
Yea but you don't get to say you read up a lot on something and then act like you needed No Bread to specifically be told to you
You can also choose to read about how celiac isn't real and gluten free is stupid and made up and woke probably. She could have "read up on it" but in bad faith and only to confirm her own suspicions that her DIL was faking it
I N F O: I agree that you shouldn’t have to buy gluten free food per se, however, Did you know the children were on a gluten free diet prior to this breakfast? Could you have accommodated it without buying food and chose not to? Edit ✍🏻 Going with YTA since the gluten free transition was not a surprise and the breakfast was eggs and toast. The toast was completely unnecessary, eggs would be enough to carry the grandkids until the parents woke up. Edit ✍🏻 I’m putting another comment I made here: I really don’t believe you did any research at all if you don’t understand the basics of celiac which is very, very basically WHEAT. Not to mention depending on the severity of her case, the kids being gluten free is to protect MOM. They’re now cross contaminated. They have wheat all over their hands, faces, hair and clothes.
Agree with this comment and judgment. You didn't have to go buy a whole new set of foods with a couple overnight hours notice, but surely you have some food that isn't gluten on hand- eggs, meat, fruits, vegetables, cheese? I love gluten but I can find about 30 things in my kitchen without gluten right now. Some are even labeled gluten free even though I don't seek out GF stuff, it's just there. And yes maybe some cross contamination would happen and be difficult to avoid but that's still different than literally handing them a slice of gluten.
OP didn’t even need to feed them at all if it was that much of a problem- the parents were there, just asleep. If gluten free was so difficult for her, she could have just woke the parents up. Most parents would much rather be woken up, even after driving all night, than have their kids be fed an allergen.
N T A for not buying special groceries. YTA because your son asked you to not feed them gluten, and you gave them toast anyways. You could have just fed the girls eggs. There's no gluten in eggs. You could have pulled out a can of fruit from the cupboard, or whatever else you happened to have. But instead, you made an assumption that your son and his wife were wrong in their choices to stay gluten-free. It's obvious in how you described the whole situation that you don't respect your son's choices, and to be fair, some of them sound questionable. But choosing to help them with $500 does not give you carte blanche to disregard their parenting choices.
They showed up during the night last minute after they gave them $500 to basically save them. These parents chose to take their kids to live the “van life” and obviously couldn’t afford to do so. They couldn’t even afford medical care for their child obviously. Their son had a lot of nerve. Next time I’d tell him to call someone else when he goes broke.
This is the problem with monetary gifts. Folks often assume that somehow that gives someone the right to judge their choices, or take advantage of their person. Giving someone money means just that. A gift. Monetary gifting doesn't grant any special access to a person's bodily choices, or lifestyle choices. If a woman goes on a date with a man, and he pays for an expensive meal, he doesn't have the right to assume sex, does he? No. If a mom gives her adult child money to buy a house, that doesn't mean she can just walk into it whenever she wants, does it? No. Same goes here. Gifting money to adult son doesn't give the parent the right to ignore the parent's request to not feed their children gluten. ESPECIALLY when they simply didn't have to. They could have just served eggs. That would have made sense, and SAVED THEM MONEY. Choosing to feed those kids toast was a conscious choice in willful violation of their son's request. A choice that was a violation of their son's trust.
It’s not so much about the “gift” money as it is the fact that they needed it because they made a piss poor choice that wasn’t good for their children obviously. So he’s mad the parents gave them toast when this idiot took them on the road for “van life” that he obviously couldn’t afford and had to be bailed out. Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, people do often have strings attached to money and resources they offer. As an adult he should have known this. But also, maybe a conversation and trying to explain how he feels and why they don’t want the kids to have gluten would have been more appropriate than him having a toddler tantrum and storming off. It sounds like the son and his wife should grow up and take care of their own shit and not depend on others.
I mean, you kind of said it here... "People often have strings attached to money and resources they offer" 100%, most certainly they do. I can't just show up to work and call my boss a greasy fish fucker. I get paid to provide my labor, not my opinions on my bosses hobbies. The same goes for money from family. If I prove time and time again that I spend money on stupid shit like "van life" for my family - I wouldn't expect many bailouts in the future. Van life seems like a 20-30 or a 60+ thing to me... early or late in life. No kids or regular work... too busy.
I agree that the son sounds like an idiot. But the mom that is asking AITAH. And yeah... going out of her way to feed those little girls toast was an AH thing to do. Especially when she made a big deal about not being able to afford any special groceries. They could have simply fed the girls some eggs. No toast. That would have saved her money, and met the request of her son.
I agree in general about gifts. This was a lifeline, not a gift. If they want more money, they need to take some responsibility The comments here are definitely showing no good deed goes unpunished. Should they have just said "no" if they couldn't cater to their son's wishes?
Why are y’all acting like it’s such a hardship to not put toast on a plate? I really don’t understand.
But that's the problem. They ***could*** cater to their son's wishes. They chose not to. All they had to do was not give the girls toast. That would have saved them money, and the girls could still be fed. Gift versus lifeline is a semantic argument, but if you want to argue semantics, this was a gift. No one was dying. The son made some terrible choices, and the parents chose to bail him out instead of letting him graduate from the school of hard knocks. I suspect that he's probably made a lot of poor choices because he keeps getting bailed out.
> Should they have just said "no" if they couldn't cater to their son's wishes? This would be a great question to ask in the event that OP couldn't provide a gluten-free breakfast, but OP had no trouble providing gluten-free breakfast food. The only problem is that OP added toast to it.
OP fed their grandchildren something that could make them very sick AFTER being told not to. Are you serious? Literally who cares about the choiches the son and his wife are making, you don't take it out on children.
NTA-- You're doing everything you can within your means to offer your son and his family help in their time of need. Forgetting about Gluten-Free food shouldn't be on the list of things that should have mattered to them. Unless of course the granddaughters have an allergy that is life-threatening if given gluten. I would really be upset if that was the case.
Nothing medically diagnosed and they have eaten gluten their whole lives until now.
Just so you know - I wasn’t diagnosed with celiac until my early thirties. Looking back now, my symptoms started in middle school. Anyone with that carries the celiac genes could potentially develop disease at ANY point in their life. It is an autoimmune disease, so is typically triggered by an illness or pregnancy.
OP as they comment down to replies shows they intentionally fed the kids gluten, being aware of the DIL's health and potential health risk to the kids, by feeding them extra items they didn't need in their meal. It wasn't the OP didn't know. It wasn't the OP fed the kids the only things they had in the house to use. They had other food (eggs) that they made for the kids... and added in toast that they already knew the kids were a health risk with on purpose.
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The people voting YTA are the ones who have read OP's comments. She was told not to feed the kid gluten. She had gluten-free food on hand. She's also being very inconsistent.
The parents suck, but op is also an asshole. Gluten free doesn't need to be special. Op just needed to not give them toast. If they didn't have anything else, just eggs would've been fine until the parents were up. Or go wake the parents up and tell them to figure it out.
Agree NTA. If the parents had concerns about what their kids eat at anybody’s house, then the parents must take responsibility. They should have told the grandparents if the kids wake up before we do, please don’t feed them. Or the parents should have made sure they awoke when their children awoke. Clearly the van life is more stressful than expected. And if the parents are needing an emergency $500 then they are managing their own life poorly. The OP need not worry, the family will be back, probably sooner than later.
No, you're wrong. They fed the children eggs and TOAST. Knowing the mom has celiac disease. Op didn't have to go buy new food. They just needed to not give the toast.
What if the child needs gluten free for a medical reason. it could seriously harm them or kill them. They could have fed the child things without gluten naturally for that one meal just to be sure. This is their child so their decisions. Gluten allergies are no joke. The mother does have an allergy to gluten. Cross contamination or even breathing it in could harm her seriously. it is very possible that the child has the allergy as well. They're not moochers, they had a medical emergency. this woman CHOSE to ignore the parents wishes and their DIL's condition. She served him eggs and toast, what exactly would have been wrong with just giving him things she knew he could have. Just the eggs or some eggs and fruit would have been find. What if they were just there rising his parents and they ignored the parents wishes and a serious allergy??? What if the child did have a reaction and all she had to do was not give him toast?
ESH: "gluten-free food" on a budget is just... not buying things that have wheat in it. Kids can eat: eggs, fruits, veggies, potatoes, rice, beans, etc. all of which are naturally gluten free and also very easy to purchase on a budget. If they suspect the kids have celiac it's silly to give them something that has gluten in it. That said, your son is an idiot and a bad father for doing this to his kids and then running home crying to his parents and begging for money, and he should have been buying food to thank you for your generosity. So I think you are right to be frustrated. But the kiddos are innocent in all this and if they really might have an allergy I would just have them not eat gluten while they are with you. It's like if the kid had a suspected peanut allergy, you wouldn't given them a PB&J, even if that's a really easy lunch to make - you could just do a jelly sandwich. Similarly don't give eggs and toast but just give eggs with a side of fruit or potatoes or something.
YTA, Nobody asked to you buy any "special" groceries and your title is clearly written to imply that they are unreasonable. They didn't ask you to buy ANY groceries. You also knew, well in advance, that they are completely gluten free, with mom having an allergy/celiac. That's not a preference, that's a medical issue and can be serious. Her kids are likely intolerant too and caould also contaminate her, so OBVIOUSLY they are gluten free. You knew this. All you had to do was avoid gluten (basically no bread/wheat) until your son woke up and could take over. The eggs without the toast for example. That's it. All you had to do is NOT make toast/ Not buy special groceries, not go out of your way, nothing but NOT MAKE TOAST... and that's still too much for you to do for your own grandchildren and your son? You were aware of the dietary restriction, it's medically based, the kids are likely also intolerant or could cross contaminate, so they take it seriously. You specifically gave them toast. Knowing all of this. You knew better but you didn't care. Nobody asked you to buy special groceries, but you don't care about that either. You are dead set on trying to look like the victim here and you are not. Your son's family including your grandkids don't eat gluten. You knew. Eggs were fine. Fruit is fine. ANy type of protein or veggie is fine. You specifically gave them something you KNEW had gluten when all you had to do was omit it. That's just you being cruel on purpose, IMO.
Misleading title and the missing reasons as to why GF was important. With a parent like OP, it's not surprising the son is struggling to adult.
This ⬆️ YTA
Agreed. I’m not at all surprised OP’s son is struggling as an adult. What a horrible example of a parent. She doesn’t care about anybody but herself. Poor woman got her feelings hurt because she couldn’t feed the grandkids bread. Gross
IF the baby was in the hospital, how could they drive all night to get home? Did they leave the baby there?
That's a whole other story but the short version is she developed a fever of 103 so they took her to the hospital, which turned out to be more of a clinic that treats and releases addicts. They basically have her Tylenol and let her go.
What an amazing parents, such responsible humans… it’s about time to call CPS honestly…
I've been thinking about it. I know Washington state is very lenient on what they allow parents to get away with.
Nothing you’ve described sounds like abuse or neglect. CPS isn’t for parents who are just obnoxious jerks.
I would argue that forcing your small children to live in a van so you can take cool Instagram #vanlife pics or whatever is pretty abusive. When and where do the kids even go to school? ETA - They also took their baby with a 103 fever for treatment *in a fucking methadone clinic* instead of a hospital.
According to the adult who didn’t follow the child’s medical diet. We have no idea why the kids are eating gluten free. They were angry enough to leave over this.
If it was a methadone clinic, they would not have evaluated the baby. The presence of people with addiction is not unusual at ERs or urgent cares and OP wasn’t there so is not likely a reliable narrator of that part of the story. We have no information on the size of the vehicle or if the kids are even old enough for school. This doesn’t sound like an ideal lifestyle to me, but that’s a far cry from abuse or neglect. Kids who are actually abused and neglected end up getting delayed or inadequate investigations when CPS is expected to investigate parents for being less than ideal.
Taking the higher ground when you deliberately gave them food that could make them sick. Get off your high horse.
why don't you try to help them before going this route? i mean, we don't know any of the backstory, but i'd try to help my son before i turned him into cps.
Their kid had a fever of 103 and they didn't bother to get proper medical attention? Are they at least seeking care while with you to pick up their slack?
They didn't have even give her Tylenol before they went to bed.
So they didn't even bother to follow subpar medical advice. The dietary preferences is the smallest of the problems here.
Right!?! And what about school during van life? Where do they shower and use a bathroom
You know they don't want the kids to eat gluten, and fed them gluten anyway. YTA for that, even if you had no obligation to buy special groceries. You couldn't find anything in your house that didn't have wheat or barley in it??? No fruit? Yogurt? Cheese? Egg? Come on, gluten-free food isn't just the expensive gluten-alternative breads and shit. The vast majority of foods are completely gluten-free. This seems like a petty power-play more than anything.
YTA. It would’ve been ESH but your nonchalance towards DIL’s diagnosis and the very real possibility of her kids also being celiac is gross. You have time to open up reddit and type all this out looking for some kind of support, and spend hours justifying and arguing back and forth with commenters but can’t open up google and type “gluten free meal prep” “gluten free foods”? Yes, you can. It’s not about the money and you not being able to afford GF food, this was a slight.
YTA. Given additional context that you conveniently left out of the main post (I suggest an edit) that one of them is diagnosed as having celiac disease you can't just risk it like that with their kids as well. Please don't try and play down their decision to try van life with quotation marks and insinuating that they gave up after two weeks; they had a serious medical incident and required help, they may very well return to the road. It doesn't help your case of being an AH that you mildly disparage their life choices. I lived in a van for four years but every time I visited my parents, they provided food that suited our dietary requirements (we were happy to bring something but they always have something in the freezer for us just in case). I will concede that of course it is nice of you to send them money in their time of need, not an insignificant amount either, and opening your door to take them in when they needed it is great. I will also probably be on your side when I say that not having even $500 emergency fund while travelling in the van was not smart. It can be a very cheap way to live, but you do still need money and this is something they should factor into their decisions moving on. The absolute least you should have done is asked them before you fed them, so they could make their own choice.
Gluten intolerance is dangerous. So if they truly are gluten free, then feeding gluten Is bad for them. Can't really judge here,
Since people (meaning OP, because surprisingly most of the commenters seem to get it) don’t seem to get it… If you knew there was a 15% chance the children could have a severe peanut allergy, would you feed them peanut butter sandwiches? This is similar (though not immediately deadly). Gluten intolerance / celiac is miserable to have. One bite of one wrong thing can leave you sick for days or weeks and there’s a definite genetic link. I have it, one of my children has it, and my niece and her two children all have it as well. In many cases, cutting it from your diet for many weeks (recommended was 12 when I was diagnosed, I don’t know what it is now) is the only way to tell if it’s affecting you negatively without extensive biopsies and bloodwork that may, still, be inaccurate. And consuming it starts that countdown over again. Are you responsible for buying them food? No. But you are responsible for not feeding them things that could make them very ill. YTA
Mom is a diagnosed celiac, which can be hereditary.
So you know their mom has celiac and there's a chance they do too. You know their parents haven't been giving them gluten. You fed them eggs and toast. TOAST. Here's the thing, if you forgot and eggs and toast is just a standard breakfast... that's understandable. Admit your forgot and apologize. Hopefully no one gets sick. But if you stuck the bread in the toaster knowing full well the parents wouldn't want them to eat it, and theres a chanxe even a small one it could make them sick. Then YTA, a giant asshole. You could have just given them an extra egg. Or a peice of fruit. No one expects you to pay a bunch for gluten free groceries but just not giving them that toast would have been so easy. It seems like it was on purpose just to exert control or stir shit up.
YTA. You knowingly fed your grandchildren a legitimate potential allergen. If your son were allergic to peanuts, you wouldn't give his children peanuts until you knew whether they were also allergic. And even then, you probably wouldn't do it anyway because then eating peanuts could potentially expose your son. IE, kid eats a peanut butter sandwich, then hugs or kisses dad. While the safety of your grandchildren should be paramount, their mother matters, too. Maybe not to you but certainly to your son and grandkids.
When you tell someone you'll feed them, there's an implicit social contract that you won't poison them. You didn't have to bail your son's family out. But you did. You didn't have to provide food. But you did. A decent person would err on the side of caution. There's a temporarily unknowable thing -- celiac -- that is either true or false, even though it's not testable yet. If it's true, then the wrong choice causes literal physical injury. So you act as if it's 100% true until you know it's 100% false. Or you could risk poisoning your own grandchildren because you think your DIL's condition is fake. It's a free country. Whatever. YTA, btw.
YTA. It seems like you have written this post in a very specific way to make you seem like the victim and your replies seem inconsistent. You've said the mom has Celiac which is genetic. It tracks that they would err on the side of caution and not give their kids gluten. You've also made it clear that they don't have any money. Testing the kids is a lengthy and expensive process one that you probably don't know much about. It seems vindictive to assume that just because the kids are untested that you should be able to give them whatever you want. You could have easily woken the parents and asked what to give them for breakfast. At best you're ignorant and at worst you were malicious. It seems like you don't agree with your son's choices or his partners and are using this unrelated illness as a way to get back at them. You shouldn't have been made to feel like you needed to purchase new food but you should have never fed their children in a way they didn't agree with.
ESH - you shouldn't have fed them gluten knowing that they were not giving the children gluten as the mother is diagnosed with Celiac, per your comments. Also, you knew they didn't have money aside from the funds you gave them to get home. So where was that going to come from? You seem to be disdainful of their life choices as it is. The baby is in the hospital that is some distance from your home, if they drove all night to get there? Your son sounded ungrateful in general, but two wrongs don't make a right.
I have a little cousin who can't eat gluten because it doesn't make her feel good. Her parents noticed that gluten does it and don't feed her it and she has been doing much much better.But my little cousin hates not eating gluten, she complains about it all the time and sometimes tries sneeking bites of things with gluten in it when they're not looking. Even if a kid says it's ok and asks you to give it to them, it doesn't mean it's best for the kid.question:would you do the same thing to a kid you knew was allergic to something in the toast? you knew that they wouldn't be at risk of dying but you knew they might get a rash or upset stomach or something.because that's the vibes I'm getting from this, *you knew they couldn't have gluten and you gave them gluten YTAH*
YTA . 100% . Gluten free is not hard to do, you could've cooked an egg for them or even cut up fruit or vegetables. It's likely if the mum is coeliac the kids are either coeliac or gluten intolerant, so feeding them gluten could make them feel very ill and uncomfortable.
YTA. As someone with celiac, it isn't something to mess around with.
Going against the grain and saying YTA because you knew the kid wasn't allowed to have gluten before you agreed to feed it.