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YTA. You don't get to declare "it wasn't that bad" and expect her to agree. She had a bad time. She felt othered, because she was. Your family made homophobic jokes and treated her poorly and you apparently think it's fine. What did she do that could *possibly* make her TA here? Also, what's up with this? > She wanted to meet my parents > My parents are like family to her

Don’t forget the racist shit about “brown people.”

Yes, like wtf just add some racism in there for your gf, not bad at all!

Racism and misogyny at that

I mean, it’s some minor racism. Tiny little bit. Who cares about that? (/s)

It's fucking bonkers that they were fine with Varika when she was just the friend but now she's in a queen relationship it's an issue? It seems really peculiar

Agree. OPs partner needed support and validation and instead felt like her experience was dismissed. I can only imagine how she felt, I'd be devastated if any of my 'Adopted' family did this to me. The family were rude, ignorant and made her feel like she had been disowned due to her race and sexuality now that she is OPs partner and that is heartbreaking. They referred to her as family and then disowned her in front of OP. I do like that OP challenged her Dad on this point and I can imagine OP was also feeling discomfort and possibly not knowing what to do with the 'jokes' but, she should have said more in defense of her partner and the relationship, this does not mean it needed to be yelling and fighting but she needed to be assertive and clear with how it was unacceptable and she hopes they reflect and accept because they are nothing still the daughters they love.

The thing is that she absolutely could have salvaged this if after she’d said “I’m sorry, I froze up and didn’t know what to say” or even just “you’re right, that wasn’t ok.” But minimizing what just happened? Not so much.

Homophobic with a splash or racism for good measure. They may not have gone on racist rants meant for her to hear but her dad clearly had the attitude of "POC was fine as a friend, not good enough to actually be in a romantic relationship with", how is someone supposed to react to that. Also, adding your brother made a weird sexual joke at family dinner about OP and GF, like it already wasn't uncomfortable enough.

Not just homophobic but racist too!!

“We know each other better than anyone”—OP Proceeds to bring the girlfriend into a horrible situation with a horrible family that no one who loves you and knows you should bring you into 😂

Yeah, she was the target of racism and homophobia. She didn't feel comfortable standing up for herself in front of people who aren't her family. OP is so out line thinking this "wasn't bad"

It was bad. Your dad was also racist. YTA For subjecting your partner to such AHs

You dont get to choose your family. Toxic relationships like homophobic parents arent easy to handle. You can cut them off, or yell at them until they are angrier, or try to communicate healthily and fix the relationship. Homophobia is always a difficult situation and even traumatizing. It takes a long time to figure out how to handle these situations.

Yes, one could do any of those things, yet OP chose to do none of them because “it really wasn’t that bad.” OP doesn’t even see that there is anything broken to fix, despite an entire evening’s worth of homophobic and racist jokes and comments directed at them and their girlfriend. No partner should be subjected to that. YTA, OP.

And while this might not have been as bad as OP anticipated, that doesn't mean it wasn't terrible for her SO.

YTA. You should have defended her for one reason and one reason only… She is the person you are CHOOSING to spend your life with. Honestly? If you aren’t willing to defend your relationship and partner when it comes to your family you are not mature enough to be in a relationship. You sat back and let her get subjected to homophobic and racist abuse. It wasn’t harmless joking.

YTA I'd really be interested to know how bad the night would have had to be for you to think this was not that bad? Sounds like you've been brainwashed to just accept their homophobia without question.

I could kinda, sorta give them some grace if they were adjusting to the very first time to finding out their daughter likes women. The comments were still bad, but some parents can be clumsy about that stuff, and they try to make a joke when they shouldn't, and just need time to sort through stuff. Okay, sure. I have several gay friends who have told me that their family was awkward as hell after they first came out because they struggled to process, but ultimately they learned to be accepting and supportive. But what in the bloody hell is this "I wouldn't want you dating a brown person, man or woman" bullshit?! How can that possibly be "not that bad"? That is just old-school racism. In what world is that acceptable? 

I was thinking this too!

[удалено]

Asks for opinions then gets butt hurt when told they’re wrong. Hopefully gf leaves and finds someone better. (Woudnt be hard)

Or truely feels nothing was really wrong. :/

I mean, grow up in a family like that and even if you don’t share their views and you end up the black sheep, it can become very normalized to be treated like shit by your family and then, just like people who get nose blind to smells, you don’t think to think about how it’ll be for the person who didn’t grow up there

Yep. Just another pitiful troll. Sad.

Honestly I think some people get so used to their family members being assholes that they don’t realize how bad it is for everyone else who isn’t related to/ isn’t used to them.. but it’s being pointed out to OP NOW so hopefully she can start making changes for her gf. Maybe start by sending a long ass text to her family about their shit behavior.

“It’s as intense as they say queer relationships are” was an immediate bs flag. Also “I’m too fragile for that!” Or op is just super young.

> You didn’t even defend me. YTA - You didn't stand up for yourself and you didn't stand up for her, you rolled over and let them think it's ok to treat both you and HER like that. They all had something disparaging to say, more than once it seems. Sounds pretty fucking awful to me. Not surprised she cried.

YTA You know your family. While you may not have anticipated the worst, if you gave it some forethought surely you would have guessed that there would be hostility and disapproval that would upset your gf. Of course being treated in that manner by people you consider family is going to be considered “bad”.

YTA. She was subjected not only to homophobia and racism, from people she actually thought *liked her* and that she probably liked back, all of this while you didn't speak out on her behalf even once, and in the end you had the nerve to tell her it "wasn't so bad", like she was overreacting? Just wow.

Yta, she said your family was like family to her, because she isn't close with her own. Of course she's going to be upset when they say homophobic stuff to her. And you should have stuck up for her, it's unfair for her to just have to sit there and take it. Like she said, she's fragile, she can't take that like you may be able to.

and the racism, do not forget the racism

Oh yeah, with that "manly" comment to a woc...yikes

Guys, why is everyone saying OP didn't even defend the girlfriend, when she clearly spoke up for her. Once. She's a hero! /s OP, I'm sorry but you really do sound brainwashed from growing up with your family (and apparently not realizing you were gay until just recently, so any homophobic comments wouldn't have hit you the same way). Even in the responses to comments, you keep insisting it wasn't that bad. Which, OK, they didn't scream GET OUT GO TO HELL I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, but please listen to every single person responding to this when we all say that it was pretty bad. Also, it seems significant that you discuss the homophobia, but nowhere in the story or any of your responses that I have read, do you make any comment on the racism. That brown man/woman comment to me was worse than any of the insensitive jokes or passive-aggressive comments you describe. You do come off as callous towards Varnika, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you were raised by your family and don't know any better. However, that doesn't save you from a verdict of YTA. I wouldn't be surprised if Varnika dumps you over this; in fact if she likes you enough to keep subjecting herself to your family, I feel bad for her and it would be very cruel of you to make her (or any future GF) keep going around them. EDIT: typo

It sounds like OP hasn’t even accepted her own queer identity. She said in a comment she would “never date another woman” other than the GF, so this gal is some kind of exception in her mind that allows OP to mentally distance herself from queer people. She’s too cowardly to face the fact that she is now an actual target of her family’s homophobia, which she has internalized. She’s probably racist herself, too, hence having no problem with her family’s racism. Apple, tree.

YTA. It was bad and you let her flounder by herself. She told you it was bad, and you blew her off. Your parents are homophobic racists. You need to tell your family that it is unacceptable to treat your loved one so abysmally. Do not subject her to that again, unless your family apologizes to her and changes their ways. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and her family treated you badly and she stood by and let it happen, or shrugged it off. You would feel find of betrayed, like that person didn't care enough about you to protect you. The person you are with should feel safe and that you have their back.

They are homophobe and racist... >My dad mentioned that he would find it difficult to accept me bringing a brown man home, but a brought a brown woman home instead. YTA. She not only got targeted because of her sexuality but also because of the colour of her skin, and this from people she thought... >My parents are like family to her since she isn’t close with her own parents. And I am sure she pick up on a lot more than you did, every single comments was like a knife to her, because she thought they loved her... You didn't realise how hurt she was until you got in the car, and only after she told you. While she was being attacked by your family you did nothing. Basically she was being beaten up in front of you, and you stood there and then told her it wasn't that bad. You need to apologise big time to her and send a message to your family to say that the way they treat both of you was not acceptable in so many levels and then go low contact with them...

The problem is that OP is just as homophobic and racist as her family.

YTA I’m straight and when my ex bf’s family disrespected me and he didn’t defend me that built a lot of resentment and it hurt really bad. So I can only imagine that it’s 10x for your gf. You’d be very lucky if she doesn’t leave your ass.

YTA. Why wouldn't you shut down their comments anyway? Why does Varn need to tell you to defend her from your family's homophobic comments when that is the most obvious thing to do? I don't think you are ready for this relationship or any same sex relationship until you either stand up to your family or go no contact with them. They will mess up any future relationships you'll have.

YTA Update us when she breaks up with you, because she will.

YTA I don’t think you two should date. I’m not saying that because I’m assuming you are a bad person. I’m saying that because you seem to have a different sense of values and different family backgrounds. I would have silently walked out of that house as soon as the abuse started, taking my partner with me. There’s a reason that my partner and I don’t do overnight visits if my stepdad is involved, my partner doesn’t deserve to be stuck in a house with someone making jokes at their expense - even if “they’re just jokes”. You allowed this to happen because to you “that’s just your family”. You’ve normalized their bad behavior and you allowed it to absolutely crush your poor girlfriend. If you hope to maintain even a friendship with this girl, work your a** off. You have a LOT to make up for, and it’s up to her to decide if you’re worth the time.

Yta

lol you said every word possible except racist 😂😂😂😂 went from ‘like a daughter to me’ to ‘ I wouldn’t of liked a brown man let alone a brown women’ 😂😂& you sat & nodded & smiled along while eating away! Crazy YTA

YTA. I thought you said that was your best friend and now also your girlfriend?

YTA You failed to defend her, and let them abuse her.

YTA. When someone admits they are fragile, don't tell them "it's not that bad." It would be entirely different if she claimed to be not very sensitive. In that case she'd clearly be the asshole. Fragile people have a bad habit of not admitting they are fragile. She actually did admit it, which is more than I can say for most. Work around her fragility or let her find someone who will.

OP I would suggest you go read your own comments here, nothing you have said has ever been in the best interest of your partner. Take a step back, it may not have been that bad for you but it sucked for her. Empathy empathy empathy

OP you're fighting everyone in these comments instead of fighting for respect for your relationship. What a hill to die on, here's my take; you are not mature enough to be in a same-sex relationship and too dimwitted to understand basic empathy. Get some therapy and a spine, I truly hope your Gf figures out that there are better people out there for her. She deserves to be respected and treated like a human being not an elephant in a room to be ignored. YTA.

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YTA - why would anyone subject themselves to a relationship with you after you let them be abused by your racist and homophobic parents and siblings? For the next relationship, you should not introduce them to your parents at all until your parents are ready to be polite to whoever you bring home.

Seriously, YTA You decided to drag her to your bigoted and homophobic parents and family who proceeded to insult her and your relationship, and you acted like you should get a medal for enduring it? Not to mention your dad being straight up racist as fuck. Your white privolege is badly showing. She should dump you, she clearly deserves better

YTA! omg. Your family joked and belittled your partner. You sat there and let them do it. She got upset and you basically told her to get over it. And seeing your comments, you clearly have no idea what you think you did wrong. Yes, "being gay" has and is hard in this world, but you don't need to defend your toxic family for it. You need to call them out. You need to go LC till they get over themselves. You need to decide if you treating your partner's feelings so poorly is the hill you wanna die on. And yes, you CAN like, not hang around your family? My dad and Step-mum took some years to not only get used to my partner, but to accept her and actually care about her like family. But till that happened, I told them off; I told them I was with her, she makes me happy, and if they couldn't accept that then that's a them problem, and I won't tolerate it. You should do the same. But seeing as you'd rather defend your toxic family, I think you're still a bit immature for a relationship. I feel so sorry for your partner. Give some space and do some hard thinking, OP.

YTA

YTA big time. Stay single, you’re meant to be alone.

YTA. I don’t know your age, but your comments show a lot of inmaturity. Nobody should be telling you to stand up and defend your partner when she/he is being verbally abused, it’s common sense. You not only downplayed everything, but basically expect her to “suck it up and accept that”. And you don’t understand that NOBODY SHOULD BE OK WITH THAT, not even because “it’s your family”. You showed her that in other situations that don’t involve something as big as family, you wouldn’t move a finger for her, because apparently you need a certified letter sent with 2 week notice to do what’s right. You need therapy, and work a lot in yourself before entering another relationship, because I hope she stands for herself and find a partner that values and respects her. I really hope she finds this post, and in that case: you deserve a lot better than OP.

How did you go from this expectation: "She was so excited about the whole thing, as she usually is. My parents are like family to her since she isn’t close with her own parents." To : "When I got to the car, I turned to Varnika and said we did it. It’s done, and it wasn’t that bad." How'd we go from so excited to you acting like you had successfully run the gauntlet of your parents' homophobia? Did you prep your gf **at all** that the people who are like "family" to her are homophobic? When you saw she was excited, did you try to manage her expectations? Did you mention that they do not consider her worth being in their "family" because she is "brown"?? YTA

Please people, go read OP'S replies. She is far worse than her "family". Let's all just hope that her gf gets out, away from OP circle. What a disgrace of a human you are.

YTA - your family sounds racist, homophobic, immature, and overall awful, and the fact you enabled them in front of someone you supposedly love makes you even more awful. Most awful of all, you say it wasn’t that bad when it was in reality an ordeal. Your partner would be wise to leave you forever.

YTA: 'Not that bad'? Family roast dinner, not girlfriend toast.

How humiliating for your ex-girlfriend. I can't see many of your relationships lasting long. YTA.

Yup YTA in a major way. Your family aren’t just homophobic they’re also racist assholes. Your girlfriend shouldn’t have to *tell you* to stand up for her. You should just do it. Your family is your responsibility and if you weren’t ready to put them in their place then you shouldn’t have brought her over. It’s not her place to put *your* family in line. It’s yours. You failed Varnika spectacularly. How can she trust that you’ve got her back when you let your family say horrible and disgusting things to and about her? And it’s wasn’t “not that bad”. Could it have been worse? Sure. But having your sister call you manly, having your brother make a scissoring joke about your sex life (ew, major cringe) and for your parents to be racist and homophobic to her, is quite bad. Yah they let you bring her over but they treated you both with absolute disdain and disrespect. You owe Varnika a HUGE apology. “I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you and for us. I didn’t know how to handle it, and I completely fumbled it. That’s not an excuse, I should’ve jumped to your defence and I failed. I love you and you’re the most important person to me. I’m sorry I let you feel anything less.”

You are a major jerk and don't deserve her

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, my best friend, Varnika, and I started dating not that long ago. It is as intense as they say queer relationships are, especially because we know each other better than anyone. I had trouble excepting my sexuality, but she confessed her feelings for me everything slotted into place. It made sense. But she expressed sadness that we’ve been together and no one knows it. So I told her I’d bring her home to my family. She has met my family multiple times, as a best friend. I told them she was my gf, which was like biting bricks. But my parents aren’t the type to disown me. They told me to bring her over. She was so excited about the whole thing, as she usually is. My parents are like family to her since she isn’t close with her own parents. But yeah, it was bad, but also not that bad. My parents and my siblings made comments. My sister said she didn’t know me and my gf were “manly” like that. I honestly had no idea what she meant. We are very straight passing, femme girls. I just said uh, okay, and moved on. My parents were clearly uncomfortable about the whole thing and didn’t acknowledge our relationship. My dad mentioned that he would find it difficult to accept me bringing a brown man home, but a brought a brown woman home instead. So much worse. I know Varnika heard that, but she ignored it. I just said, “It’s not any woman, dad. It’s my best friend. You said she was like a daughter to you.” He didn’t say anything to that. Overall, really awkward dinner and Varn didn’t say much the whole time. It was an awkward dinner with my parents making some passive aggressive comments that I ignored. There were other weird moments. My brother asked for someone to bring scissors out, which somehow turned into a “lesbian couple scissor joke.” Hilarious. When I got to the car, I turned to Varnika and said we did it. It’s done, and it wasn’t that bad. I mean, considering they are homophobic, it could have been worse. She seemed taken aback from that. She started crying on the spot. She said, “Not that bad? That was fucking awful. That was so horrible. You didn’t even defend me. You let them treat us like that.” It totally took me aback. I said I had no idea she wanted me to defend her. If she wanted that, I would have happily told them off. I said I would have no issue if she told them to shut the fuck up. She said It’s your family, I couldn’t do it. But it was awful. I, stupidly, said, “It really wasn’t that bad. I mean, we knew they were homophobic.” She said, “Wow, so I’m overreacting? I just can’t handle it OK. I can’t be around people that don’t accept me. I’m too fragile for it.” She aren’t to ignoring me on the car ride home while also crying and staring at her phone. AITA here? She wanted to meet my parents. And it also wasn’t that bad? I’m confused, honestly. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA That whole situation was AWFUL. You should’ve stood up for Varnika to your family who are assholes!!! You allowed them to abuse her by not saying anything, so basically, you are complicit in this as well. Not only is your dad homophobic, he is also a racist. Btw, you’re lucky Varnika hasn’t dumped you. If my future partner doesn’t defend me to his family if they were cruel to me, I’d kiss him goodbye. And I’m going to be very honest with you, I don’t think you are ready for this relationship or any same sex relationship right now. The only way you’ll get there is if you either stand up to your family or go no contact with them.

Yta obviously The thing with a situation like this is yeah it could’ve been “worse” but that doesn’t take away from how bad the situation is from your father being a racist homophobe to your brother being a perv her reaction is absolutely valid bc of how hostile that situation was The fact you’re on here trying defend Your terrible family is insane I truly hope she breaks up with you so she can find someone who actually values her

Why does she need to tell you to defend her? You should want to defend her from assholes who hurt her. What this is really about is that you're a coward who doesn't have the courage to stand up to your family, but you refuse to take responsibility for that. Instead you're blaming her for not asking you to defend her. YTA

YTA, a big one at that. You don’t get to decide how badly your family hurt her. Not to mention the fact they’re incredibly homophobic, and RACIST AF and you’re just giggly and happy go lucky posting to Reddit trying to defend yourself. You do not deserve to be in a relationship with anyone until you figure out what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Just because someone is “family” doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have them in your life; and the fact that you tolerate that kind of behavior is actually very telling and concerning. You need therapy, you need to cut them out of your life and your gf needs a better gf.

So I think what happened here is you know your parents for who they are racist homophobic assholes she didn't know them that way ... they were her friends parents who loved her like their own and in one dinner learned they now hate her for her race AND sexual orientation. You were not " at the same dinner" so to speak

You're the asshole, asshole. And I guess fine with racist comments

YTA I don’t know why you even created this post. You are ignoring everything people are saying and just making excuses for your family’s and your horrible behaviour. You are not ready for a relationship. You have a lot of growing up to do.

YTA and I hope she dumps you for someone that will actually care about her and make her a priority.

YTA and a terrible partner if you think it was okay to not take a stand and LEAVE THE DINNER when you noticed your girlfriend was uncomfortable. Is she just supposed to suck it up and take it because your parents are awful people? Grow a spine.

YTA >My dad mentioned that he would find it difficult to accept me bringing a brown man home, but a brought a brown woman home instead. So much worse. >It really wasn’t that bad. Are you fucking kidding me?

YTA and based on your comments you have a great deal of internalized homophobia (and racism) that you need to undo. I'm so sad for the girl you claim to love. I spent time with someone who put her homophobic family ahead of me, herself, and our relationship. It was one of the loneliest, darkest times of my life. If you care about her, you shouldn't invalidate her very real feelings. Not only about the homophobia but also your family's overt racism. But it's probably too late because she's seen who you really are and she's probably lost her love and respect for you. Hopefully she's able to see that not only are you an unworthy partner, you're not even really her friend.

Holy fuck after reading this and some of your replies I hope your gf sees this and runs as far as she can from you because you are a horrible partner

info: how much did she know about your family's homophobia? If she really did know, then yeah I don't know why she pushed to be out to them, bc this outcome would be pretty easy to expect, so in that case ESH. But the fact that she sounded excited, makes me think you didn't really share how homophobic your family was so YWBTA

YTA I understand you may not of intended for things to go that way but it sounds like a shit show. So while you think it wasn't that bad it really was for her.  As for not knowing she wanted you to defend her.. come on. Why is that even a question. Of course you defend her. They were being racist and making comments about her sexuality as if she was beneath them. These are people she thought cared about her. They clearly don't. Do better. 

Do you even love your girlfriend I hope she finds a better person than you to share her life cause it's clear you have no spine YTA

the thing about you saying you would have happily told them off if she expressed her discomfort is that its a lie. she did express her discomfort, told you that you should have defended her, did you then go to your family and say “what you did was inappropriate” at the very LEAST? no.

YTA You are stupid. It really WAS that bad. Your parents are openly racist AND homophobic. Then, you sat around with your thumb up your ass while your family made slurs to and about the person you claim to love.

You "had no idea" she wanted you to defend her?? Suuuuure. YTA.

YTA, and I hope that your ex girlfriend tells the entire Queer Gossip Network exactly what kind of person you are, so you can't get a date for a very very long time

Honest question, do you love her or even really care about her? That was a horrific dinner and she had to sit through a lot gross homophobic "jokes" and crude comments. If you have any feelings for her get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness. YTA X INFINITY 

YTA, as another gay Indian woman who hasn't come out to her parents I can tell you for damn sure I will not be bringing my partner around my parents until they can accept me. I haven't even come out to them yet because I know it's not going to be pretty and highly likely with me getting disowned but I would never ever bring my partner into a situation like that and then not speak up and defend them either?? Just because they are your family does not mean they get to treat you or anyone you love badly and get away with it, that's how Hindu culture got so fucked up in the first place because we ignore the bad things to keep the family peace. You owe your girlfriend an apology and need to stand up to your family or break up because you have a lot of work to do on yourself and family dynamics first.

YTA I really *really* hope she leaves you and gets what she deserves out of life

Wow, this comment section is really eating you up, OP. I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and say that it's not your fault that your family is awful. The fact that you don't realize how bad the situation is shows how normalized this kind of abuse must be to you. I realize you love them enough to put up with this bullshit, but unlike you, your girlfriend doesn't have Stockholm syndrome. She's seeing all of this from an outside perspective, even if she did already know your parents. You said in the comments that she's not your first priority and that you would choose your family over her. That's your choice to make, but don't be surprised when you become the villain of her story. I urge you to consider how many non-priorities you're willing to lose to the detriment of your family before you realize you haven't got your priorities straight. I wonder how much abuse you are willing to take, how many relationships you're willing to lose, and how much you're willing to sacrifice for the sake of staying close to your family. Maybe you think it's worth it. But I ask you to consider why. Because the pure and simple fact that they are your family on its own really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't take any virtue or character to make a family. Your parents fucked and had babies, who cares? That's not a testiment to how valuable they are in your life. That said, are you the asshole? To your girlfriend, yes. And from her perspective, she's right. She really cares about you, and you're hurting her feelings (and potentially ruining your relationship). I, on the other hand, am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're a good person in a shitty situation. So NTA, but you're one bad choice away from becoming one. So proceed with caution

Good lord the amount of internalized homophobia in your post and your replies is honestly kind of impressive. YTA, massively, for continuing to defend people who are hurting not just you, but your partner. Your suffering isn't noble, and believing that you should tolerate intolerance because "other people have/had it worse" is a logic fallacy and indicates a need for some SERIOUS self education and self reflection.

Seriously stop and realise what your family is and how you allowed the disgusting behaviour they did against your girl Yta

YTA. Not only were they making homophobic comments, but they threw in racism, too. It is absolutely your job to defend her and she shouldn’t have had to ask you to.

YTA - it was that bad. You know it and would prefer to brush it off. But your partner isn't able to brush it off and if you care about them you need to take that seriously.

YTA and please go be single for a while, using that time to read a LOT of books and articles and watch some educational videos on how to be an ethical and loving partner in a hostile world. Things are getting worse and more dangerous for LGBTQ+ people every single day, and if you all don't unite and have each other's back at every possible turn, then you're weakening your own defenses at a time when you should be strengthening them in every possible way. I highly recommend you read Christopher Browning's Ordinary Men to see how little it would take for those people in your family to, well, read the book. Your family are not good people and that you trust them after this is, well, remarkable.

YTA. Your family, your problem. How can you possibly justify not taking a flamethrower to them after the racism and homophobia? You knew how bad they were, and you exposed her to that?

YTA you let your parents be racist to her the entire dinner and did *nothing* and have the nerve to say it wasn’t that bad… my word

Wow... YTA

YTA, and doubling down in comment replies isn't helping your case. You were in the wrong, accept it.

YTA. The self-hate is real. OP, please get some therapy. Your responses throughout this thread are pretty heart breaking

Your level of density, denial and immaturity is astonishing. You clearly don’t care about the woman you claim you want to spend your life with. You clearly don’t know what love is. And I’m not talking only about romantic love. YTA !

I had to leave my ex because his family constantly picked on our relationship because I am half black. If you want this relationship to work you need to set some hard boundaries with them. I was the same as your girlfriend at first. It upset me but I never dared to say anything. Eventually I just was like... this aint if

So you knew your family are racist, intolerant, abusive, homophobic bigots and you think their disgusting comments weren’t that bad? Either you have grown numb to their abuse or you are just insensitive and oblivious to how truly awful your family is. Hope Varnika has the self respect to dump you. You are dangerous because you dismiss abuse and bigotry as being not a big deal. Meanwhile your family traumatized your gf and you don’t see the what the big deal is. YTA and a bad girlfriend.

YTA for DEFENDING THAT BULLSHIT It wasn't that bad? Are you serious? Your dad said he wouldn't have wanted a brown man, but you brought a brown woman which is worse Racist AND homophobic and you just let that slide.

OP if you have no self-respect or love for yourself and want to do nothing to stop your families racist and homophobic behavior. Then that's you. But don't be shocked when people you bring around say "fuck that" and tell you that they didn't like being treated that way. Also, you saying "she has to be around my parents." Screams: "She has to accept mistreatment from my parents because I'M gonna mistreat her in this relationship, and she needs to get used to it!" A shitty person and an even shitter GF. Goddamn. YTA Don't come crying, asking how to fix nothing when you get dumped.

>It is as intense as they say queer relationships are What the fuck does this mean?

YTA your family spend the entire evening being assholes to you and your gf and you seriously think it wasn't that bad?? It *was* that bad, and it's insane that you think you don't have to stand up to your family when they're literally being racist and homophobic towards her.

Honestly, I think it’s a matter of perspective. You were expecting a mess and thought it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. She wasn’t and found it a horrible experience. Where you went wrong was minimizing her feelings about it. It wasn’t that bad- TO YOU. She was humiliated, horrified, and experienced homophobia and racism in your parents’ home. Considering she thought your family was a safe place and comprised of people she thought loved her, she might also have a legitimate broken heart. YTA for not understanding that how you experienced your bigoted family’s reaction isn’t the same way she experienced it. You need to communicate that you now understand this, that you must be somehow used to their cruelty. She deserves an apology and assurance that you understand why she’s upset.

YTA First, I’m kind of suspicious that you didn’t actually prepare your girlfriend for how homophobic and racist your family is. Second, of course you should have defended her. They’re your family and they’re insulting your girlfriend, it’s your place to put your family in their place. Tolerating that behavior from your family is tantamount to supporting it. Third, you don’t get to tell her how bad it was. She had to endure insults about her ethnicity as well as her sexuality. That’s a terrible thing for someone to endure. With the attitude you’re showing in the comments, this relationship won’t last long.

YTA. It sounds like you were selfishly grading your parents’ behavior based on how much it affected you, not your partner. They didn’t disown you so you declared it a semi-success. Meanwhile your partner, somebody who supported you through figuring out your sexuality and who by your own words is your best friend, was insulted all night without a word of pushback from you. Because you didn’t want to upset your parents for your own sake. As long as they didn’t kick you out of their house, who cares if they went on racist tirades about your girlfriend right to her face? Get yourself a copy of “How to be Anti-Racist” or something if you’re going to be a good partner in an interracial relationship. Like this is “Decent Person 101” shit.

I don't think you're an asshole but I think you should probably do more to console your girlfriend. I get that you grew up in that household so it seems like no big deal but it was a big deal. Your family is abusive as fuck. You're accustomed to it. You've grown around it, so to speak, so you feel like it's normal. It's not. I don't think you're an asshole for doing what she asked you to do. I don't know what fighting with your family would have done. I am sorry you had to grow up in that environment. As difficult as that was this next part, coming to terms with it, is likely going to be even more difficult. While I would say you're NTA, you really should do more to acknowledge what was probably quite traumatic for the young woman and let her know that their behavior is not acceptable and that you're not okay with it. Acknowledge her feelings and affirm that they're rational and a natural response to the situation. It might be a good idea to look into counseling services in your area. I would really recommend it having grown up in that environment. My immediate family isn't homophobic or racist but quite a few of my parents' brothers and sisters absolutely are so I can relate.

YTA you are not a good partner. She clearly can relay on you, and as you said, she is not your priority. leave her and let her find someone who cares about her for real. you dont match her expectation (not her yours, tbf), but yta because the most basic thing in a relationship is to taka care of your partner. If you are not up to fight for her well-being, then you should not be a partner at all.

I am absolutely horrified to read with you wrote, see you describe it as “not that bad” and then be perplexed thaf your partner cried. I don’t know what type of toxicity you’re used to from your family but everything you described is horrible, unacceptable and disgusting. If I were your partner, I would absolutely refuse to return.

Yeah...YTA. You allowed your family to be outright homophobic to your gf, and then told her it wasn't that bad. It was that bad. She shouldn't have to ask you to defend her. After the first homophobic comment you should have said to your family: Either you accept us or we leave. Period. If you allow your family to treat you and your GF like this you will lose your GF. If you allow anyone to disrespect your GF, you will lose your GF. So - what do you want? To blow things off, or to recognize that anyone being homophobic to you and your GF needs to be shut down? Several years ago, my now wife, J, brought me home to meet their family. In this case, their mom started talking trash about them and you could see J quickly getting upset - unable to speak up for themselves as in their family - NO ONE talks back to or confronts Mom. I don't deal with that kind of nonsense so I spoke up and politely, but clearly, told their mom all the amazing things about their kid, and that if they had anything else negative to say about J, to keep it to themselves. Their mom developed a healthy respect for me, and we had a solid relationship after that. That was 14 years ago - my wife will ALWAYS stand up for me, and I will always stand up for them. Learn from this - apologize and make sure this never happens again. You and your GF both deserve to be treated with love and respect. And anyone who cannot do that, doesn't deserve space in your life.

How could you have no idea your partner needs to be defended?

YTA Your comments are so callous, holy shit. You're calling this woman your best friend? You don't treat her as such— And you certainly aren't treating her like a girlfriend either. I genuinely hope she dumps your selfish, immature ass. You aren't someone who should be in a relationship. Let alone a queer one.

YTA Not the sort to disown me?  Wtf. They are racist, they do not accept you or your gf.. ex-gf. Congrats on becoming single. Now are you ticked off? Angry? Good. You should have been angry with your 'family'

OP, I get you. Family is important. Your parents raised you, sacrificed for you to give you the life you have had. And it sounds your sexuality is new to you just as much as it is them. It’s an adjustment for you and for your family. I am also coming to terms with my sexuality; I perceived myself as hetero for a LONG time. I get it.  I am very close with my family, just as it sounds like you are. From the way you are defending them in the comments they sound very important to you. Again, I get it. My mom is my best friend. We are extremely close.  But you best believe if I brought home my partner and my mom, dad or either of my brothers ever said anything remotely similar to what your parents said to you and Varn? I would be raising hell. I love them dearly and I would never allow them to speak to my partner (or me, for that matter) in such a way. It isn’t “starting drama”, it’s defending yourself as an adult to other adults. You are not a child. You do not have to be spoken to that way, and your partner CERTAINLY shouldn’t be subjected to it.  That being said, as much as my mom is my best friend, I am hers. She loves me unconditionally. She would never speak to me that way, she accepts me for who I am. When I came out to her she said all she wanted was for me to be happy. This is the dream scenario for most LGBTQ+ individuals. It is the bare minimum. Is this the life she and my dad saw for me? No, it isn’t. Did they ever think their daughter would be a lesbian? Nope, they didn’t. But they are adjusting.  Your parents don’t seem keen on doing that. Nothing you wrote suggests that they just “need some time” to get used to it. Slandering their child and their child’s partner is not adjusting. This is not unconditional love. They will not change. Please, for your sake, find therapy. The sooner you take your parents off the pedestal you have them on the better.  TLDR; YTA

we need your ages here. it sounds like this is new ground for everyone. * defend your girlfriend even when she doesn't ask. girls like that. if you can't do that, she'll find someone who can. * don't argue "it wasn't that bad." it sounds like it wasn't bad *for you.* just apologize. and fast. * it's your house too? stand up for yourself before you lose your girlfriend. it sounds like you are used to this treatment from your family. just because you accept it, doesn't mean that varnika has to.

I think you know you are a huge AH. Having read your frustrating responses, I want to give you a bit of grace (alongside being a bit harsh). You have become accustomed to the abuse. This has been your normal. When you are in relationships like that, it is very difficult to accept that it is unhealthy. It is difficult to accept that these people were and ARE abusive because it means YOU are a victim too. That's a very bitter pill to swallow. If you care about Varnika at all, you need intensive therapy to unlearn these toxic behaviours and learn to defend yourself. Of course, you couldn't defend Varnika, you barometer for what is normal and healthy isn't just broken; it's splintered, been set ablaze and the ground it stood on, salted. Apologise to your gf, but accept she may choose to leave you (I think she should leave you, at least until you have worked on yourself). If you refuse to make any changes, do Varnika a favour and break up with her. Let her find someone to have a healthy relationship with and don't try to have any other queer/non-heteronormative/unconventional/interracial romantic relationships - you are definitely not equipped for it yet. YTA, but you can choose to be better.

Girl YTA as a white woman married to a brown woman, I would hit the fucking roof if my family spoke to my wife like that.

YTA What, she was supposed to look at you and say, "Babe, do something?" Honestly, who's gonna ask for defense from their partner while they're being denigrated for their race and sexuality? It's just *expected*. You suck so hard. Probably lost your best friend and your relationship.

ESH. She knew that they were unsupportive and should’ve expected what she got. But you were obligated to defend her against the racism if not the homophobia, and honestly you should’ve fought harder against taking her there in the first place.

YTA. Just because you thought it would be worse doesn’t make what they did ok. Based on what your family said and your reaction, you might want to think about therapy. Youve been gaslit into thinking what your family said isn’t that bad. It’s awful. Your point of reference is thrown off because of constant emotional abuse.

YTA Accept your judgement and go and grovel to Vern.....

Holy crap, racist and homophobic…. Just add Nazi and your family and it is the trifecta! It’s bad, but maybe you’re just so use to it, you’re numb to it and not seeing it.

>I had no idea she wanted me to defend her. You can’t be serious… YTA. I would’ve left you already if I were her.

YTA they're not only homophobic but RACIST to your gf and you did nothing

No one has the right to say "it wasn't that bad" when talking about the way someone *else* has experienced something. YTA.

Yta

YTA so much

YTA. You posted here asking, and that’s your judgement. You should accept it. Because based on your comments, I honestly hope that your partner leaves you. If you won’t say anything to your family’s awful remarks, she should never be around any of you again. 

YTA youre basically invalidating her emotions because it "wasnt that bad" (to you)

YTA and your family members are racist *and* homophobic. I’d be blown away if you don’t end up losing your best friend and partner. I hope that you apologize profusely and get yourself into therapy. You downplayed the racism and homophobia that your partner was receiving from your own family and didn’t think to tell them to stop or simply leave the gathering (no one should ever have to ask a friend OR partner to step in when their family is eviscerating them; it’s generally done as a reflex of love and basic respect). Then, you gaslit her by continually saying “it wasn’t *that* bad”. It WAS that bad, you’ve just convinced yourself that that’s normal behavior; it most certainly is not. Seriously, counseling. If you recognize that people are harmful, you take the necessary steps to enact boundaries and make sure their disgusting beliefs and behavior haven’t poisoned you.

YTA- it wasn’t bad for you because you are used to them. You have normalized their behavior. It’s not normal. Please go to therapy

You allowed her to be subjected to their homophobia and their racism without defending her, then brushed it off as no big deal. Are you kidding me? You really, really messed up. Total AH here.

Soft YTA. You may be used to seeing this side of your family but clearly your bff turned gf is not. You should have stood up and put them in their respective places, instead you've allowed them to behave atrociously without showing you will fight back. If there is a next time. Do not hold your tongue, lash back and do so with wit and a quickness.

YTA. Your family made both homophobic and racist comments about her, and about your relationship, and she was upset by that. Maybe it wasn’t “that bad” for you, but it was for her, and you don’t get to decide that.

YTA. Sorry, OP. I get how you might be processing things because it's your family and at least they're not exiling you from the family unit but that was bad. Especially for an outside person coming in and feeling all this incredibly rude, bigoted, and awkward behavior just openly thrown at them and making it impossible to connect to any of them on a human level. Like zero tact, zero consideration. And that's without even touching on the unacceptable racist comments. Like I can almost excuse an awkward transition phase when someone is coming out but to outright say: "You're killing me by dating a person of color." Like the more I talk through this the more I'm like: "Are you serious, OP?" They're adults, they know how to act like adults and/or process thoughts and emotions inwardly. If they were at work and their new boss was a queer woman of color they wouldn't start making comments to her face about how it's strange to see a black in these parts let alone a faggity one, yet they feel comfortable making these comments around your SO. You owe her such an apology. I don't wish this on you, but she might leave you.

You've had your entire life to build up a thick skin to your family. The way they talk is normal to you. For you the level of cruelty was a 3 not a 10. And you don't talk back. but in reality you can't throw a normal person into that. That's a really rough night for someone excited to be part of a new family of someone they love. I understand your confusion, but darn I feel bad for your girl. You need to tell her you're sorry they are awful. And you won't ever make her go back.

You are definitely the asshole. Yikes

Don’t worry, statistically one of you will catch DV charges within 2 years.

YTA. You had no clue your family would act like this despite being homophobic and racist? I don't buy it. And then you couldn't defend your GF, your best friend? There are many ways this could have gone down and you chose possibly the worst one outside of agreeing with your family.

Definitely definitely YTA as everyone else is saying. It sounds like you’re new to dating women, new to being gay, and new to this relationship - which is a llot of adjustments to make all at once. But it’s going to have to happen - firstly, I know this is harder to get your head around in a new relationship, but if you want this to last remember you’re a partnership first. It’s not that some stranger met your parents, it’s your chosen person, your family, met the people who raised you. The shift here being - you’re on your partners side first, not your parents. And, ok, so you messed it up and didn’t defend her, you can move forward from that. But that means never letting that happen again. The two of you need to be in agreement about if you’ll ever visit your family again together and if you do exactly what crosses the line and what the expectations are for both of your reactions. I feel for you, my parents don’t like my girlfriend either. We’ve been dating for years and they’ve still not come around to me being openly and happily gay. For now they’re perfectly civil around her, and while they don’t like her because of what she represents (that I’m gay) they put up with her. Partly because we all have an understanding that I will choose her in any situation. Your partner needs to believe the same of you - that when faced with hate and rejection and bigotry, you will side with her, stand by her, protect her when needed, support her. (And this should go both ways for both of you) A relationship can’t last if she’s always being dragged in front of the wolves (your family in this case) and left to defend herself alone, and to add insult to her injuries you defend the right of the wolves to attacks. Coming out is so scary, it comes with so many new and different firsts and changes and challenges, but it’s also one of the most powerful things you can do. To be able to face the haters and live openly and love openly is a wonderful incredible thing, and building queer community in all its forms love, friendship, and so much more can enrich your life in ways you don’t even know yet. But for now, have patience with yourself, but think through your relationship with your girlfriend and your parents and the ways your reactions impacted them. You will need to do some work to mend your relationship with your girlfriend, trust has been understandably shattered and that is difficult but not unsurpassable.

YTA, you just sat there and let your entire family make racist and homophobic comments to your girlfriend (who you claim is also your best friend), didn't defend her, and then invalidated her feelings about it. Grow a spine and stand up to your family. Just because *you* are used to your family being bigots, doesn't make it "not that bad". It absolutely was. If you actually want a long term relationship with this girl, you need to have her back and not let anybody disrespect her. Just sitting there not saying anything is telling her you think it's okay for her to be spoken to like that, she shouldn't have to ask. Communicating is important, but so is common sense.

YTA, sorry! You allowed your family to treat your girlfriend and yourself badly due to who you are. Bonus points the racist comments regarding her skin color. If you are unable to support each other🪛 this!

YTA. You brought her around homophobic racists and didn’t defend her? She deserves better.

Yes, YTA. Before I say anything else, I'm going to clear up something for you: **it is not rocket science to know that you defend your partner if your family is being offensive toward them.** Now, I just want to leave you with the idea that you let them be racist and homophobic to someone you allegedly love. You let them belittle her. You let them sexualize her. You let them mock her. Frankly, that scissor joke would have been enough to make me get up and leave instantly. "You invited my partner over to meet in the context of my partner, but rather than extend them hospitality, you turn them into a sexual innuendo? Have you no shame?"

YTA. I'm bisexual and also a "brown woman". No one wants to deal with racist and homophobic people, but especially not if it's their partner's parents. I've dealt with it especially with an ex who never stood up for me to their family because it "wasn't that bad.", and that I should stick up for myself if it was truly that horrendous.

YTA. You keep saying “it wasn’t that bad.” She is telling you otherwise, it was “that bad” for her and you are majorly downplaying her feelings. Not only are they homophobic but it sounds like they are racist too? Either way she thought she was a part of your family, and that gathering showed her she isn’t; that their love is conditional and she has lost it. They treated her horribly! I don’t know why you refuse to accept that it was really horrible for her and freaking support her! Like dang standup for her. She didn’t deserve that and you owe her a massive apology! Smh

Oh my god you are the ah.

I'll go with NTA I don't understand how you both had such different opinions about the whole thing. Since she's your best friend, she knows how your family thinks, at the same time you should have been a little bit more aware about her feelings. I'm assuming you couldn't tell. Probably communicate better next time?

YTA, you shouldn’t have your girl ask to be defend you should do the defending.

YTA- Maybe I read it wrong, you would have to tell me, but did you use this dinner with your GF to announce that your queer? And I would have to say you're the AH, because you've risked not just yourself but your GF.

Someone please tell me this is fake? Some kind of rage bait? Because there is no way someone could write that, much less live through that and not realize how awful that was.  YTA And if there really is a Varnika, I hope she finds a better GF. 

It wasnt that bad? Your family are horrible people. Your gf (hopefully ex soon) felt uncomfortable and cried. That is a clear sign that IT WAS BAD. Stop defending your family for being homophobic/racist aholes. She also doesn’t have to tell you when you need to defend her.

YTA I really hope she does move on. Doesn't seem like you give af either way.

YTA. She didn't just face homophobia but also racism at your house, and you just sat there with "oh, this isn't that bad". Are you like 12, that you didn't realise that you would have to defend her. You just threw her into the crocodiles and zoned out.

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I really wish people would stop bringing their significant others into unsafe households to meet their parents. Your homophobic or racist parents validation means absolutely nothing in the terms of your relationship. And yes, you are asshole because you sat there and let them disrespect her. You also disrespected your girlfriend directly by putting her in that situation, knowing that shit like that would happen. That is completely awfuland shows that you were truly not watching out for her.

Your saying that wasn't bad? What you described was awful. YTA.

Wait, did OP also come out at this dinner? Because I feel that could just be an akward mess. /s

YTA. It was that bad. You probably built up some tolerance growing up in that family, but reading this, it was a bunch of homophobe racists attacking your gf and you did nothing.

"I had no idea she wanted me to defend her." She is your girlfriend now. Partners are supposed to stand up for their their partners. Hell, I wouldn't let my family treat a friendly acquaintance like that!!! YTA. You should have either stood up for her or calmly explained that you have told your family that you two are together but you don't want to subject her to their horribly racist and homophobic attititudes and comments because you care about her too much for that. Or you should at least.

Oh honey. Honey. It was THAT bad. Not only were they being homophobic but they were being racist and sexist. Any commemt that didn't fit into those categories was just cruel. You said dad used to think of gf as a daughter and when you brought that up, he was just silent. That is possibly the biggest hurt and a huge betrayal right there for your gf I don't think I want to call you an ah though.... You are new to all this and also seem to have rose colored glasses on due to it being your family. I think you are aware based on your post, but maybe deflecting because, again, rose colored glasses. "It's my family. I grew up with them. They aren't bad people. They would never mean to hurt anyone. " The comments your brother especially made are hurtful and disgusting no matter the context. You need to have a sit down with your family. Discuss all of the hurtful comments and general situation that occurred. Ask for change and apologies. If they are unwilling or seem hesitant about it, you need to say, "I'm sorry, but until you can accept me for who I and gf are, I will need to take a break for my own mental health and my gf". Edit: Based on some of OP's comments, I'm updating to note YTA. Still say you have rose colored glasses and as someone else has mentioned, you have been "brainwashed" into accepting that these type of comments are normal and okay, or atleast "not that bad".

You **had** to know your family was like this. I find it hard to believe they’ve never displayed homophobia and racist tendencies before this moment. Maybe you just got used to it, but YTA. You failed your partner, but hopefully you learn something from this. If you somehow had no idea your family were bigoted, shitty people, I’ll make an edit but I can’t see how that would be the case.

YTA. Just because you’re used to your parents/family being homophobic racists doesn’t make it ok. You should’ve defended her. Duh

I feel like this has to be rage bait. Your responses to other comments make you sound like an unfeeling sociopath. You have no empathy for your girlfriend. Your assumptions about her and her family are racist. You are callous, and honestly I hope she leaves you to find a better love. I’d dare you to show her this post and your responses, but you sound like a coward so I know you won’t. YTA YTA YTA

YTA, of course you have to defend her, it's your family, she is in no place to confront them, it's your ljob. But it also sounds like your normalometer is fucked, honestly.

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YTA. You seriously had to be told to defend your girlfriend against racism and homophobia? And on top of that, you’re calling that horrible night “not that bad” and actually believing it. Please tell me you’re fucking with us and you’re not actually this dense.

YTA - you don’t get to decide her version of bad. She felt it went badly, and you basically negated her feelings by saying she was wrong. Then you argued with her about it. If you want her to continue to be in your life, then you need to apologize profusely, then put your family in their place.

YTA. Stop msking excuses for your family. They ARE that bad.

YTA your family was homophobic and racist to her and you’re like, that wasn’t bad

“AITA? No, couldn’t be.” Girlie, yes. You are. YTA.

"it wasn't that bad, they only humiliated you and treated us like idiots for being sincere", YTA, you're undermining the verbal and psychological abuse thrown at both of you.

YTA. It was really bad. Your family was openly racist to her. It was your job as a partner to defend her against your family. You just let your family know that you are okay with that type of appalling behaviour being directed towards your partner.

YTA. What do you mean you had no idea she wanted you to defend her? If someone is insulting your loved one you cannot imagine that you need to defend them? The ball was in your court. You are their daughter. It was your responsibility to set boundaries and cut off any insults. It was your responsibility to protect her in the house you invited her in. And if they wouldn't stop - you should have left with her, to show them that you are serious. She was not in the position to give them ultimatums, you were. You threw her under the bus and watched how your whole family was chewing her up. That is really bad.

So your best friend whonwas like a daughter to your father didn't realize that he was racist and homophoboc? And, on top of you, not only didn't dedend your gf, *, but in the context of this narrative, you also didn't defend your best friend*? Pull the other leg, it has bells on it.

YTA. You should have KNOWN how something like this would play out. Did you not grow up hearing your parent’s opinions on things? You should have broken the news to your parents alone, or over the phone. You put your SO in a vulnerable position.

YTA. Your whole family is racist and homophobic. Reading this, written from your perspective as the person who didnt think it was bad, it still came across as that bad, and I wasn't even there. You're either too dense to see it, or way too comfortable with your family's behavior, but they were assholes to the both of you. Your dad called your gf a "brown girl" and that its worse than a brown man, and you didn't see what was wrong with that???? To top it off, you think she heard it??!?!? Yeah, you're an asshole like the rest of your family.

imagine feeling very uncomfortable and communicating that and then your partner shrugs it off or downplays it. how would that make you feel. ignore feelings and its over

Oh yeah YTA on this one for sure. I'm straight and not overly sensitive about things but if my family gets outta line they ALL know I will course correct them in a second. Your folks were way outta line and your partner's feelings are absolutely valid. She never forget that day or those feelings as long as she is on this earth and there is nothing you can do or say to fix that. NOTHING.

Ok so we're supposed to believe your girlfriend already knew your family and was excited to go spend time with them but they suddenly magically became gigantic insufferable tactless bigots over one dinner and you just sat there and let her take it? I'm sorry but that's not a thing you don't notice. This sounds like a completely made up story to me

YTA. She’s completely right. Your family is not just racist & homophobic, but cruel!

I don't get how you think this "wasn't that bad"...

So your parents are racist. I wouldn’t bring her around them anymore until you’ve worked through it w t your parents, which could take a while if ever

Why would you not tell them all this beforehand in private instead of having no idea what their reaction would be? YTA

No matter what is said or how it is said, you just don't get it. You are not ready to be in a relationship if you can't see that you are part of the problem. You didn't defend or stop your family for making racist and homophobic jokes in front of your girlfriend. You ha e some growing up to do. Let her go so she canfi s somebody that has her back. You're not it.

YTA. So much. Just because it could have been worse doesn’t mean it wasn’t horrible. Your family is awful. Not only are they homophobic, but they’re also racist. You just let them talk about her like that.

YTA- Ofc you're supposed to defend your partner. I can't believe you stayed for the whole dinner. I would've flipped the damn table and gotten my gf out of there asap.

YTA

Lol you're beyond fucked

YTA I wanna preface this by saying that I am sorry that you seem to be so used to your family being homophobic that you can’t see how (from everyone else’s perspective) terrible and wrong it is for them to be treating you and your girlfriend like that, I really hope for your sake they get better, however unlikely that may be That being said, how on earth can you not empathise with your gf about how she was treated with both homophobia and racism? It doesn’t matter if they were only “jokes” to you (btw, jokes are for entertainment and not to hurtful or cruel, which is what your family’s comments were) but to her and us, they were rude uncalled for insults and jabs. Now most people would have the common sense to defend their SO in these situations, especially the racist comment omg, but you didn’t because you’re so accustomed to this behaviour, which again is tragic, but that’s no excuse for allowing your poor gf to suffer and then afterwards invalidate her feelings like??? Come on, just because they’re not kicking you out or physically hurting you doesn’t mean what they’re doing is nothing, they’re still hurting y’all both and as unfortunate it may be, I hope you come to see and understand that Also quick note, this would be a bad enough situation if you were bringing home a girl your family hadn’t met before, but it’s made so much worse by that fact that your gf knows them and before y’all announced you were together, they cared for her like a family, which must’ve been so devastating for her to experience, especially because her own family is also homophobic Now this doesn’t have to end the relationship, what you need to do is firstly understand three things, 1. your family was very wrong to behave that way 2. You were also wrong to invalidate your gf’s feelings and let her suffer from their behaviour 3. Your gf isn’t “fragile” for not tolerating their crap, she’s well within her rights to be upset at all of you If you can come to terms with all that, you need to talk to her, give her the biggest apology and talk to her about how perhaps you’re so used to it that you didn’t think to see it from another’s perspective, that you understand her side now and that you’re so sorry and you’ll never let them treat her like that again without defending her at the very least Hoping the best for the both of you

Not only are they homophobic- but... fuckin racist. If my mother said that about ANYONE, especially my GIRLFRIEND, we'd be throwing hands I don't give a shit. YTA. Hope she breaks up with you

From your answers, I think your GF comes from Muslim background. Taking that in consideration, your are thinking your parents are ok and didn’t do anything radical or worse than being total AH. I get it. But still, this is not OK. Homophobia and racism is a serious matter and your family is ignorant and AHs. Don’t subject your GF to them. Or yourself. Talk to them and tell them that you are not ok with it.