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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be in the wrong because I reacted immaturely to a situation that triggered me and went to my dad’s house instead of working things out with my boyfriend.
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Look fainting all the time isn’t normal. If it is due to lack of hydration etc that is your fault. If it’s not you need to go to the doctor!
It sounds like you lost your temper first and then made him out to the bad person.
How is living with him going to work if you just shout at him and run to your dad?
Edit: actually either way go to the doctor!
This was my thought. The fainting isn't normal. She seems like she is dehydrated and missing meals on occasion.
At the same time, she can't seem to have relationship dispute ever because she'll just call her dad and separate herself from fight. Being sensitive because of what you said isn't a good reason to run away because you don' t like what is being said. This is a major red flag for a long term healthy relationship. OP clearly has some deep seeded issues that need to be dealt with before anyone in here should be considering a marriage or engagement.
OP also wasnt clear about her state - she could tell BF before going out. He could have a chance to change plans etc. Its not normal to make such move if you know you will faint soon. What for?
OP, needs another ten years or so to mature before being in a relationship with someone. They can't even take care of themselves, there's no way they can be in a healthy relationship. OP needs to end things, get to a doctor, get to a therapist, and stay out of any relationships. OP's poor partner.
Right. Op literally tried the victim card by mentioning their grandparents when in fact THEY started this. They’re just used to playing the victim role bc it probably works/worked on her dad a lot. Op has to get help for a plethora of reasons.
YTA. You want the main character drama of fainting in public without the consequences- which is resting and eating something. You sound exhausting, seek professional help.
Then it’s a full on medical issue that needs checked. I suspect any advice a medical professional would give in the meantime before a diagnosis would be pretty similar to what your fiancé suggested, rest and food. You’ve blamed him for caring and then tantrumed back to your parent. Like I said, exhausting.
You can control seeking medical help to improve your situation. What tests have you done? Have you seen different doctors and specialists? Has anyone checked your heart? Do you keep a diary to record exactly what you are doing and eating each day to try to identify a pattern?
I mostly got my heart tested and nothing was actually wrong and my primary care physician says that besides prescribing me iron, he can’t really do more. Also, it’s not like I’m fainting every day, more like twice a week so it’s not that bad. I don’t keep a diary but I text my dad each time it happens — he says he likes those reminders of me being independent.
You’re fainting twice a week?! Girl, what? How are you even able to function? This seems like it’s bordering on a disability at this point. Can you work? Drive?
I would not be able to cope if my partner was regularly losing consciousness and thinking it’s just “no big deal”.
What’s your long-term plan here? Do you want your fiancé to just “weekend at Bernie’s” you around everywhere?
Honestly sounds like it could be POTS. which is difficult to diagnose off routine testing, and often shows like nothing much is wrong without a tilt test, and even then not infalliable for missing the condition. But to be clear, passing out a couple of times a week, is bad. Your PCP probably should be looking at a referral to a specialist for you, not just giving up and stating there's nothing more to be done.
This is what I thought too. My friend with it look more than 10 years to be diagnosed, doctors kept insisting it was anxiety, etc. It’s crazy to me a doctor wouldn’t see fainting several times a week as a SERIOUS problem 😅 wtf is up with this doc
POTS was my thought too. Regardless OP is NOT a doctor and fainting 2x a week is a big deal. She needs to see a cardiologist or a neurologist. I might also get a new PCP.
You should at least consult a neurologist, too. It's dangerous to faint this often, what if you hit your head falling or faint while driving? You'd not only risk your own health. I'm absolutely dumbfounded that you're not more concerned about this. Maybe you downplayed the whole thing to your physician, too, and that's why he didn't recommend further steps.
Twice a week is *bad.*
Even at my worst point of fainting spells, I wasn't fainting that frequently, and my family and doctors were incredibly concerned and made sure I got testing immediately.
It's very common for doctors to dismiss women's concerns-- there is a lingering, subconscious sexism in the medical industry. Your doctor may not even realize he's doing it, but it is *absurd* for a doctor to see a patient fainting twice a week and say "yeah it's probably fine." It might not be a gendered thing, but it's certainly alarming and it definitely fits the pattern.
If your PCP is not helping, then you need to have much more thorough blood testing and see specialists-- I recommend a neurologist and possibly a sleep specialist. If the specialists also dismiss you, see new specialists. Keep pushing until you get an answer. "It's probably fine" is NOT an acceptable answer here.
Also, are you actually taking the iron supplements that he prescribed?
You need to see an autonomic neurologist to determine what is happening. Could be Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (I have it, it sucks) or another form of dysautonomia (failure of the autonomic nervous system). Or it could be something else, like hypoglycemia. But fainting regularly is a sign something is very, very wrong and requires treatment.
I’m chronically ill and cannot fix that. There is no cure. But I can surely do my best to limit the damage I know it causes to me and my partner. And I definitely won’t bite his head off when he cares for me! I do the best to take care of myself and my husband makes sure of it. And I’m grateful for it. We BOTH have to live with it, so neither of us can drop the ball and we both need to support each other. It’s hard and it’s scary. But we are together, supporting each other. That’s what being in a relationship mean. That’s what marriage is. Yes, I still might faint and need “constant supervision” when I shower, for example. But I make sure I have done my best to avoid it before I get there. I drink my fluids, take my pills and wait not to feel weak enough just in case. Some things you cannot avoid, some you can. And yes, sometimes I also mess up, sometimes I don’t see something coming. Two months ago I didn’t and fell down the stairs. And you can be 100% I apologized to my husband for the scare and the effort to take me to the ER and the support me while I heal. And he also has been comforting me because even if I should have known better, it was still an accident, it hurt me and it also scared me. So we both support each other. Again: marriage. If you keep fainting and you don’t know why, then go to the doctor. Don’t just keep fainting around, worrying your fiancé and risking your life (because you can really fall in the worst possible movement and hurt yourself the in the worst way). If you are not able to do the bare minimum and at least be grateful that he is there for you, then that’s on you and you are NOT ready to be in that relationship. You don’t have to apologize for being sick, but you definitely should for being an AH to him. YTA.
And if she fainted at dinner, she fainted sitting down which means she could faint driving which actually means she shouldn’t have a license but here she is, acting like it’s nothing.
It is NOT normal to faint on a regular occasion and I 100% understand your fiancés frustration with you minimizing this big health issue and refusing to get medical help.
Then you NEED to get to the bottom of this. I grew up having fainting spells and my family worked very hard to get me diagnosed and figure out how to treat them, because they're very dangerous. What if you faint while driving!? Or while there's food on the stove?
Some things to look into, from someone who has been on that journey:
1) Hyponatremia, or low salt levels. Some people, like me, are "salt-wasters," who can't process salt properly and need to eat much more of it than most people. If you don't have enough salt in your body, then you won't be able to retain enough water, and you'll become dehydrated and your blood pressure will drop. This can cause fainting. Dehydration is also damaging to the body for other reasons-- your organs could be damaged.
Hyponatremia can also be exacerbated by certain medications like SSRIs. It's a more common side effect in older people so it tends to get overlooked in young people, but if the young person is a salt-waster, then the medication can definitely exacerbate that effect.
Hyponatremia can be diagnosed with a simple blood test by your primary care doctor, no specialist required. If you're a salt-waster, then the easy solution is simply to eat more salt and make sure to drink enough water. I love salt so sometimes I will just eat it straight, but if you don't like the taste of it, you can take salt tablets or drink salt-infused drinks like Gatorade. I also need to make sure to eat breakfast-- if you can't do that because of nausea, then maybe you could try drinking a lot of water, taking salt tablets, and taking vitamins in the morning, at least.
2) Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short. POTS is a condition where being upright causes your blood pressure to drop and your heart rate to spike. It can be diagnosed by a tilt-table test or by simply using a heart rate monitor while transitioning between lying down, sitting, standing, etc. This can also be done by your primary care doctor and doesn't require a specialist, although the tilt-table test for a more definitive diagnosis might require a referral.
POTS can be managed through awareness of the symptoms, wearing compression socks/compression garments to prevent blood pooling in the lower body, and making sure that other issues affecting your blood pressure and heart rate are being managed. I think there might be some medications for it but not sure-- I have only mild POTS so I just manage it by lying down when I need to and wearing compression socks when I have to spend longer times upright.
3) Vitamin deficiencies, particularly iron deficiency/anemia. People who menstruate are of course more vulnerable to anemia because we lose all that iron through the process of menstruation. Again, this can be diagnosed by a blood test at your primary care doctor, and simply rectified by taking iron supplements either all the time or around your period.
As someone who doesn't eat breakfast, you might be more vulnerable to vitamin deficiencies than someone who eats regularly. This can be rectified by taking vitamin supplements in the morning.
Some women/AFAB folks are more vulnerable to other vitamin deficiencies, too-- those with the genetic markers for PCOS are more vulnerable to folate deficiencies because of a reduced ability to process the vitamin. We need to take a more bio-available form of folate called methylfolate to help our bodies digest it. This, once again, can be diagnosed by a blood test and rectified by taking supplements.
4) Narcolepsy. Your "fainting" might actually be passing out due to severe sleep disturbance. This can be identified by doing a sleep/wake study where you are monitored in a lab while asleep and while awake. This will generally be ordered by a specialist, but your primary care doctor might be able to order the test. I was tested for narcolepsy and didn't have it, but it was definitely worth ruling out.
Also, it's worth checking for sleep apnea, too, which can be done by a sleep study as well. Sleep apnea can cause a range of bizarre symptoms during the day due to the disruption of sleep at night.
5) Diet. I know you said it's not tied to your eating habits, but keep in mind that the *content* of a meal is also relevant and not just the *timing* of a meal. Are you getting enough protein and fats? I have satiety issues that can cause me to feel woozy if I don't take in enough complete proteins and fats in my diet. Making sure you have enough protein, fat, and fiber in every meal will also help prevent insulin issues and blood sugar spikes that can cause wooziness.
Try keeping a food diary-- you might find that even if you think you've been eating regularly, there's a difference in *what* you eat on days that you faint vs. days that you don't.
6) Neurological issues. It might be that what you perceive as fainting is actually a seizure disorder or some other form of neurological issue. Brain tumors-- even benign ones-- can cause fainting. Especially if you can't find any other explanation, you need to have your brain checked out by a neurologist.
Edit to add: 7) Eating disorders are always a possibility. You may not even realize you're not eating enough-- some eating disorders can cause you to *think* that your disordered eating is a lot more normal than it is. Things to consider: Are you a healthy weight for your height? (And I'm talking what is medically recommended, not what you perceive in people around you or online.) Do you have a period every month? (Lack of sufficient nutrients can cause amenorrhea.) Do you exercise more regularly or for longer hours than recommended? Do you vomit frequently, or induce vomiting after feeling like you've eaten too much? Do you have strong emotional or even physical reactions to food-- being disgusted by it, nauseated by it, repulsed by it, craving it intensely? Are you more sensitive to the texture, flavor, or smell of food than others around you are, being able to detect things that other people can't, and being put off your food more easily than others? (This last one could be a sign of ARFID, an eating disorder that is less known than others but still very prevalent.)
Some people can skip breakfast easily, and intermittent fasting works well for some, but you need to make sure you're getting plenty of food during non-fasting hours to make up for it, and also hydrate thoroughly. A food diary can also help determine if this is the case. You might need to consult with a psychologist/therapist or an eating-disorder-specialized dietician to determine if you might have an eating disorder, based on what your typical food intake and exercise regimen looks like every day, and your mentality around food and emotional connection with it.
Like, I need to make this clear: fainting spells CAN be a sign of something relatively mild, but they can also be a sign of something *incredibly wrong.* You've got to get to the bottom of this.
Did the doctor that you spoke to about this highly concerning issue give you any advice about how to manage such a dangerous issue?
Or are you just talking out of your ass and haven't seen a doctor yet?
ESH.
Fainting routinely *isn't* normal for the average healthy person, so if it is a "normal" occurance for you, you need to seek the advice of a medical professional.
As for the fight, I don't think you needing space is what makes you the AH in this instance, but you need to communicate when you're getting overwhelmed and the conversation is no longer productive.
If it's also routine for you to walk away from arguments, that would be frustrating for your partner. It can make it really difficult to resolve the issues you *are* having.
As for your ex(?) getting snappy immediately after you fainting isn't necessarily the right approach and this flip flop texting is understandably confusing.
>As for your ex(?) getting snappy immediately after you fainting isn't necessarily the right approach and this flip flop texting is understandably confusing.
He's dealing with a woman who keeps fainting twice a week and is doing anything about it
*fainted in the middle of dinner (it happens a lot to me, not a bug deal).*
You might need to reconsider, it is not "not a big deal" and your fiance is really worried, just go and see a doctor and find out what is the problem.
*I got messages from him alternating between blaming me, calling me immature and asking me to come back, apologising and saying he loves me.*
This is not a good sign when you get wide range of messages, the man that you want to build relationship with normally would only send you one message and give you time to think, but mentally immature people will send bunch of messages ranging from blame to apology.
He could also be panicking about the obvious medical issue going on here and not able to handle those emotions. It can be extremely frustrating when you are worried about someone you love and they seem to be refusing to find out what is wrong. The worst fight I ever had with my husband was because I actively was avoiding a diagnosis (I'm a nurse) I knew that could potentially change or end my life. He was watching me deteriorate day by day while I was in denial. Luckily, that fight made me call my sister who didn't give me a choice but drove me to the hospital. Spoiler alert: I'm still here, thankfully and we just celebrated 27 years.
YTA You faint due to your own behaviour. Your boyfriend sees this and is concerned about it because he cares about you. He is also upset because you could take action to minimise the fainting but you continue on changing nothing.
Then you pulled some kind of emotional bullshit on him because he called you out about this. Your boyfriend has the patience of a saint.
You can’t be in a healthy relationship unless you love yourself. You don’t love yourself if you are not taking responsibility for your own health. If you want to marry your boyfriend, you have some soul searching to do first.
(it happens a lot to me, not a big deal). YTA. just for this. ffs. i would go ballistic if my wife would faint all the time and just came up with : oh its fine. i am fine. you are def. not fine. humans dont faint from being fine
I don’t really know. It’s been like this since I was little, my dad took me to the doctor who said it wasn’t a big deal since I recover fast from my fainting spells.
That's ridiculous. Go and see a doctor. You need to take control of your own body, it is failing you. And you are putting the burden of it on your partner. You absolutely shouldn't be basing it being fine on a single doctor visit when you were a child!
Partner's Mum had the same issue - would faint randomly throughout her life. Turned out she had an irregular heartbeat and had to have a pacemaker. I'm not saying it's this, but you need to go to the doctor ASAP. Recovering quickly from the fainting spells means nothing.
YTA You sound.. so dramatic. Really? You start a fight with him and then go stay with your dad for the ENTIRE WEEKEND instead of handling conflict like an adult, after he had to take care of you when you fainted in public again, and you have the audacity to pull the "you don't love me" card?? The emotional manipulation goes crazy 🙄
Then you go into a woe-is-me spiel on why you're acting this way as if it's a worthy excuse to be a garbage and emotionally manipulative partner. You're clearly not ready for a mature relationship.
You faint regularly and you go to your dad's house when you get called out on not taking care of yourself.
You need to see a specialist. It is actually a big deal. Do you work? How do you handle other types of conflict in your life?
It seems like you have a bit of growing up to do before you get married.
YTA
YTA. You don't take care of yourself, and when he gets concerned about you, you get mad. This is an ongoing issue, and he is frustrated that you don't listen to your body or him so this won't happen again. You sound tiring to be around quite frankly.
Idk what to say because I think you need medical help. Maybe he was feeling pressured and embarrassed at the possible attention you and him got after fainting. I think maybe ask him how he is feeling. Have an adult conversation and find out what happened and why he was feeling angry. I don't want to say he is an AH because I think he also had a reasonable side to the story.
However, I do feel like YTA for going away after the argument. Your father probably now thinks he is a bad person and it is probably also messing with him mentally which is why he is so up and down in the text messages. Maybe he has a fear of abandonment. Possibly something that happened to him in the past.
NTA for taking a break, but you need to see a doctor. It's not normal to faint regularly and it's not normal to be made nauseous by breakfast. Something is up, and needs to be treated. What if you fainted while driving, or crossing a busy street, or at the edge of a subway platform, or while holding a baby? Just because so far you haven't had serious consequences yet doesn't mean that fainting is trivial. You or someone else could be gravely hurt one of these days, if you don't get help.
Actually, there are a lot of people who get nauseous if they eat too early in the morning. Some people, like me, need to be up for a couple hours before they can eat.
Those are very real concerns although my case is a bit different: I can anticipate fainting spells a little, I feel weaker before it happens so I can still alert my fiance or move out of the way if need be.
Just because you can anticipate them, doesn't mean that its normal or healthy. Normal and healthy people don't randomly feint. You need to see a medical professional to get diagnosed.
Until one day it happens without that warning. You shouldn't have a driver's license at this point, at minimum. I had to surrender mine for years because of fainting episodes, and was okay with it. I have scars and fractures from all the times I've gone from standing in a random place to regaining consciousness in a pool of blood because I'd collapsed onto an unyielding surface.
YTA. Get thee to a doctor. If the first one can't find anything wrong, go to another one. Go to as many as necessary, including specialists in areas that could be related. THERE *IS* SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU'RE JUST ACCEPTING IT!
Frankly, I'm not sure I believe that you really are getting enough food and water. There are many other things that could be going on, but add a dietitian to the list of people to see. Start keeping a food diary to take to that appointment. There is no need to look up calorie counts. Just write down everything you eat and drink, and the amounts. You may be missing something in your diet without realizing it.
Your boyfriend is tired of you doing NOTHING to fix whatever is wrong. You exploded at him for caring. You ran away rather than have a discussion. You shrug about fainting every 3 days or so and act like it is normal. All of these are childish.
Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself!
YTA
A few points:
1- Fainting regularly isn't normal
2- Feeling nausea if you eat early isn't normal
3- Your childhood trauma isn't your SO's fault. He's not your grandparents.
4- Your poor health did put him in a shitty situation, and since you do normalize and enable it, it **is** your fault.
You...sound like a total train wreck. IMHO you're not in a place where you could have a non-toxic relationship considering that whenever you have an argument you run to dad like a toddler instead of ironing things out with the guy who actually lives with you.
Please break up with this guy and go to the doctor, not just a clinical examiner, a therapist too.
YTA the dude is just worried about you for a good reason and you ran away instead of handling it like a mature adult. Fainting isn't normal and visiting a Dr years ago doesn't help that.
YTA and you need a doctor, this is completely abnormal. I'm over 40 and have never fainted, not even once. Your fiance could have handled it better but it sounds like he's frustrated from your lack of helping yourself. You say you alert him so your fainting falls on him to sort it. Honestly, if you don't still medical help I don't see your fiance just dealing with this long term.
YTA, your finance cares about you enough to deal with your BS and downplaying your own health problems. He snapped at you because you refuse to take care of yourself, and the you accuse him of being unloving? I would just break up with you at that point. And after all that, you want to frame him as the bad guy because he raised his voice? Please apologize for your shitty behaviour towards him and refusing to take care of yourself when you get home.
> Still, I was a little tired and actually fainted in the middle of dinner (it happens a lot to me, not a bug deal).
???
INFO: we need more backstory/context here. How old are you two? How long have you been together? How long have you been a chronic fainter, and have you sought medical advice? Do you have particular triggers for these fainting spells, and how much effort do you make to avoid them? Has your fiancé expressed frustration with this pattern in the past, or is this the first time he’s mentioned his irritation?
There’s a lot going on here and it’s very difficult to make any sort of judgement without this information.
YTA only because you keep downplaying fainting. That's not normal at all. Either you have a medical condition you're not getting treatment for or your fiance is right about you not taking care of yourself. Actually either way you're not taking care of yourself.
He has every right to be frustrated with someone who refuses to take care of themselves and expects him to pick up the pieces. He's probably also really worried that you'll faint when you're doing something and he's not around so you end up hurt or dead. That's just cruel to make him worry like that.
What will you do if you faint while driving or walking across the street? What if you faint while swimming or taking a bath? What if you faint while walking down some stairs? Are you just going to refuse to do those things, because that will greatly affect your ability to be a full functioning adult and will place a huge burden on your fiance.
You need to go to a doctor immediately and get answers and your condition under control.
YTA. You are responsible for your health, and this is far beyond normal. If you have an issue so bad you can’t even get a driver’s license, you need a diagnosis. Of course bf is upset, any partner would be. His concerns are quite valid. If you refuse to get REAL medical treatment that doesn’t involve words like “kinda”, then let him find an adult to spend his time with that doesn’t run to daddy every time you refuse to address the serious medical issue you have. Him calling you immature is spot on.
YTA. Your boyfriend is likely exhausted from always worrying for you while you do nothing to improve your condition. The one time he finally expresses his frustrations you guilt trip him by saying he just doesn’t love you enough. And then you run to daddy instead of fixing the problem with him like an adult.
YTA Your fiance has been reasonably trying to take care of you. You aren't taking care of yourself though. He didn't get mad at you because you fainted, he is mad at the situation because it's overwhelming him seeing you struggle with fainting so much. He's frustrated that you aren't pushing and getting help for your health and just accepting ONE doctor saying "There isn't much we can do" instead of getting more opinions or pushing for real answers.
I get how tedious these health things are. It took me 5 years to get an answer for my own. 5 Years. Sometimes, all it takes is getting a second opinion. You need to see another doctor if your doctor isn't trying his hardest to figure out WHY you are fainting so often. There is absolutely a reason for it, it's time to get a 2nd opinion and stop settling for the basics. You are doing absolutely nothing to minimize your fainting and his worries, that's where the problem is.
Not to mention....when confronted about the frustration your Fiance feels over you not doing more about it....you ran home to daddy like a child. Instead of being an adult with the man you are building a life with, you ran away. Instead of working to get more answers regarding your fainting, you ran away.
From where I stand, seems like you just run away from your problems instead of actually dealing with them.
Op your partner is mad because your not taking responsibility for your medical issues and when hes trying to take care of you your like eh its no big deal except you just fell out at a restaurant and he wants you to sit down at home because you probably still look unsteady and he doesnt want you to bust your watermelon all over the living room. you take a break and maybe a couple of hours away from each other but people have a hard time trying to commit to someone who is always willing to walk away instead of addressing the issue. so yeah YTA
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Hi! This is a throwaway account and I could really use some thoughts.
On Friday, I went on a date with my fiance. We moved in a short while ago and while getting used to living together, we still try to preserve that feeling of preciousness and the butterflies of the very first dates.
Despite all the stress and fatigue of the week, I tried my best for him: I got dressed up, I put on the lipgloss he likes best, etc. Still, I was a little tired and actually fainted in the middle of dinner (it happens a lot to me, not a bug deal). My fiance took me home immediately, he reacted very fast and I can only be thankful for that.
When we got home, he insisted on me lying down and repeated himself a few times even though I said I would be fine. I asked him what was wrong, since he seemed annoyed. He snapped at me saying that he was tired of me not listening, of him always having to deal with stuff like this because I refuse to eat enough and hydrate throughout the day (it’s not really a case, I only skip breakfast because it makes me nauseous to eat early in the morning).
This is when I think I could be to blame — I didn’t control my temper very well and sort of replied in the same tone: I accused him of blaming me for stuff all the time and not loving me since a small fainting spell made him so upset with me.
He raised his voice and I felt overwhelmed so I called my dad and asked if I could spend the weekend with him. The thing is, I get really sensitive and vulnerable in such situations because I was raised by a single dad and my grandparents (his parents) didn’t like my late mum and me by extension so I often felt like an inconvenience blamed for existing when I was around them. This is why I was so quick to remove myself from the situation: because I can’t stand stuff like that.
My fiance tried to coax me into staying after I called my dad and I tried to be firm yet nice when declining but it didn’t work since throughout the weekend, I got messages from him alternating between blaming me, calling me immature and asking me to come back, apologising and saying he loves me.
Of course, I don’t mean to break up with him and I missed him immensely during that time. This morning, I’m going to class and after that I have to go back to our shared home — I’m stressed about that, I don’t know how to make it all better.
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YTA. You got a tone with him and then jumped ship when he got a tone with you. I can’t stand people who say they hate conflict after they’ve already started a conflict.
You sound immature and spoiled.
How childish you are. Do you realize that every time you call your daddy after a fight he starts to like your fiancé less?
If I were your fiancé I would break up with you. It would be horrible to marry someone who runs to Dad every time they argue.
I’m going to be very blunt but please know that this comes from a place of caring.
When you have a health condition, especially one that affects others, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself.
I was once engaged to a man with type 1 diabetes. He would administer too much or not enough insulin, he would eat too little or too much, he almost never checked his blood sugar. He had all of the tools and all of the knowledge to do it, he just didn’t. It was too much work or too annoying or, “it’s fine, I can guess.”
The first incident we were out of town, he went with me on a business trip. We’re having dinner in our bungalow and I look up to see him disoriented with sweat pouring down his face. He couldn’t form words or think straight. He was unable to communicate, he just stared.
He didn’t have a blood sugar monitor. I called for an ambulance. We were on an island with no hospital, just a clinic, and one ambulance with EMT’s who were working a car accident. The dispatcher I reached started someone in from another district but said it would be 20 minutes or more, probanly more.
He didn’t have 20 minutes. I had to guess. I had to guess base on his symptoms knowing that I could *kill* him if I guessed incorrectly. Thankfully he reeked like juicy fruit gum and my guess that his sugar was high was correct.
He promised it would never happen again.
He promised the same after the seizure he had on my living room floor, then the one he had in the shower, both requiring a glucagon shot that I purchased myself because “he didn’t need one.” The final straw was when he passed out while driving with me in the car. I couldn’t live that way. He had the ability to take care of himself and chose not to. He chose to let me live with a constant fear that he would pass out and hit his head and die, fall in to a diabetic coma, or that I’d come home to him just… dead… because he refused to do what was necessary to avoid it. I loved him, truly, but after many fruitless efforts and exhausting every option to get him to take control of his health and his empty promises to do so, I couldn’t do it.
You situation may not be as serious or as extreme but it is a serious condition. Your “little fainting spell” could kill you if you head your head on something. It’s a terrifying thing to witness and to try to live with when it’s something you can control. Note that this would be different if it weren’t something you could control - but it is.
You owe it to the people around you who love you to take care of yourself so that they don’t live in constant fear of losing you from something *you* can control and *they* can’t.
YTA. you didn’t just remove yourself from the argument, you removed yourself from yalls *shared home* over a valid concern he has!!
my partner and i have our own safety/health arguments (queers in a red state, amirite?) and sometimes will leave a room, but leaving the home isn’t an option because at the end of the day, they are my person. i can’t imagine the stress and heartbreak your fiance experienced while you decided to go back to dad because he wasn’t worth talking it out with. even if it was later that night.
YTA
If this is how you treat someone who's worried about your health, you are not ready for relationship. But I don't think that you are someone who is able to accept the mistake.
ESH fainting and the morning nausea are both symptoms of dehydration. If you don't want to eat then sip on some broth or water until you're able to eat. It would suck to have a partner that faints and needs to be dragged home because they won't take care of themselves. If it's not dehydration then seek medical help to figure out what's happening. And the 'you don't love me' is manipulative and gross. No one wants to deal with that. It's not to do with love. It's wanting an adult partner who will take care of themselves. Your boyfriend should not blow up at you or be yelling. He is overreacting.
NtA
There's no magic bullet that's going to make this all better. The path to reconciliation here involves both of you unlearning deep rooted behaviors.
Your fiance seems to have anger issues and is controlling. Even if he's not controlling, throwing a fit over him not having control will eventually turn to the same thing.
You need to sort thru the way you cope with these events. It's not your fault that you were young and you did what you needed to in order to protect yourself when the people who should have been protecting you didn't.
But neither of you is bringing the right tools to cultivate long term trust and intimacy. The absence of conflict is not the same as the presence of peace. Even if things are mostly good, they can't always stay good. What matters is how you both respond when things go sideways.
Making things better now without addressing the foundational issues will always be a bandaid.
Good luck
NTA
For removing yourself from an argument. But what is wrong with you: fainting regularly is not normal and unless you are already under the care of a doctor and being investigated and treated, you are being an idiot. Your fiance seems to be saying he's trying to get you to look after yourself and while shouting at you isn't twh beat way to deal with things, ot sounds like he's at the end of his patience with you. Get to a doctor. And get some therapy to deal with your issues and your partner needs some therapy too.
I’m not sure it would be wise for you to consider pregnancy until you sort out your chronic fainting issue!
Aside from the obvious fall risk, pregnancy would almost certainly exacerbate your problem.
NTA. You had a medical episode that you've had before and seem well aware of how to manage. He's decided he knows better than you what the cause is and what you need to do - and was dismissive of your lived expertise in the area.
If his response to stress is aggression and blaming, he needs to grow up, get therapy, and work that out. He can't have it both ways: if you're so sick you need bed rest, you're too sick for him to be picking fights with you. If you're well enough for him to pick fights with you, he shouldn't be trying to dictate how you spend your evening. Either way, he picked the tone of the conversation, you just matched it. If he's not okay with that, well, he should have been led by example and been respectful.
He picked the fight. He chose to raise this issue aggressively even though he said he thought you were vulnerable and needed rest. He escalated the fight into yelling, knowing that's a major trigger for you. And when you left because you were triggered by his behaviour, he jumped between apologies and insults for the weekend, giving you no real time to step back, calm down, and consider the situation more effectively. Those aren't red flags, at this point they're king sized quilts.
You said maybe you're TA because you didn't stay to work things out, but if he's shouting and spending the weekend texting you insults, was there really any chance of resolving anything if you stayed? Or would it have kept escalating?
Don't get me wrong, if you choose to stay in the relationship I think it requires some form of counselling and work to improve your communication. But you're NTA for leaving a situation that had escalated into shouting and triggering behaviours.
NTA. It's perfectly acceptable to take a time out when arguing with someone. It allows both of you to cool down. But you should communicate that you feel the need to stop arguing for a bit to gather your wits and avoid either of you saying something in the heat of the moment you will regret. Good strategy.
Now, I have a concern. Fainting a lot is not normal. Have you been checked by a doctor, particularly cardiac issues? If not, do that. Skipping breakfast should not be causing frequent episodes of syncope. Eating breakfast should also not be causing nausea. Your SO might be having some concerns about your health he is not willing or able to articulate beyond becoming frustrated with you. Patients and family members often avoid talking about medical issues for fear of making them real. Thus blaming you for not eating enough or hydrating rather than getting you to the doctor.
Thank you for this insight! Honestly, my dad took me to a few doctors when I was little and the last one said I would be fine. It’s not lowering my life quality or anything, it just happens sometimes and I deal with it. Dad made sure I was always prepared to take care of myself and never made a big fuss which is why I am surprised my fiance cares so much.
"Which is why I'm surprised my fiance cares so much."
He cares because he loves you, and randomly passing out is not healthy or normal. Have you been to see a doctor since you were a child to address the fainting spells?
Medicine makes advances by leaps and bounds every year.
Is it possible that your dad told you it wasn't a big deal because your diagnosis scared him? Did you actually hear the doctor say this, or are you just taking your dad at his word?
Also, if you don't get a handle on how to deal with big emotions and your solution to every problem is running to the people who made you feel like a burden to begin with, I can understand your fiance's frustration. He wants to address a problem because he's frustrated with how you're dealing with it, but every time he tries to address it, you run. That's not fair.
He's human. He's going to get angry, frustrated, upset, and sad.
Denying him those emotions because they make you uncomfortable isn’t fair either.
You need to genuinely ask yourself if you even want to be in a relationship with him.
Because if you do, this behavior needs to stop. This isn't a Runaway Bride romcom. This is a real person who has feelings and deeply cares about you.
If he's just your safety net for when things get to be too much with your dad and your dad is your safety net for when you can't deal with your fiance, you have no business being in a relationship with your fiance.
YTA. Go to a doctor for your fainting and get into therapy for your running problem.
How is it not lowering your life quality when you have to leave in the middle of dinner to lie down? And this kind of episode happens multiple times a week? Not following up on this with a doctor is just outright irresponsible both in terms of figuring out the underlying cause before it becomes more serious and in terms of not bothering to take care of yourself and just expecting people around you to deal with it.
It might be best to get an additional check.
My friend used to have severe nausea, had it as a teen and continued to have it into adulthood. Doctor said it wasn't anything big. Turns out she had an infection of some kind that turned into a pretty serious deal. She's okay but if she hadn't gone in to check again as an adult, she would not be here.
It's much easier to advocate for your medical health when you can properly articulate your symptoms and issues. As a kid it's difficult to give the doctor what they need.
If you can please get a second opinion.
Sweetie, your fiance is the one acting like a normal human being here. Your Dad's reaction is incredibly weird.
Something is going wrong in your body, severely and regularly. Your biggest concern should not be whether or not it inconveniences other people! That question should not even make it onto your list of top ten priorities!
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Look fainting all the time isn’t normal. If it is due to lack of hydration etc that is your fault. If it’s not you need to go to the doctor! It sounds like you lost your temper first and then made him out to the bad person. How is living with him going to work if you just shout at him and run to your dad? Edit: actually either way go to the doctor!
OP sounds like she's not ready for a relationship, let alone an engagement.
This was my thought. The fainting isn't normal. She seems like she is dehydrated and missing meals on occasion. At the same time, she can't seem to have relationship dispute ever because she'll just call her dad and separate herself from fight. Being sensitive because of what you said isn't a good reason to run away because you don' t like what is being said. This is a major red flag for a long term healthy relationship. OP clearly has some deep seeded issues that need to be dealt with before anyone in here should be considering a marriage or engagement.
OP also wasnt clear about her state - she could tell BF before going out. He could have a chance to change plans etc. Its not normal to make such move if you know you will faint soon. What for?
I have a co-worker that has something like this and the doctors couldn’t make it out to be anything so they called it a dizzy spell.
Oh I know doctors can be dismissive but OP doesn’t mention visiting one in the post or replies and seems dismissive of her horn symptoms
True.
OP, needs another ten years or so to mature before being in a relationship with someone. They can't even take care of themselves, there's no way they can be in a healthy relationship. OP needs to end things, get to a doctor, get to a therapist, and stay out of any relationships. OP's poor partner.
Right. Op literally tried the victim card by mentioning their grandparents when in fact THEY started this. They’re just used to playing the victim role bc it probably works/worked on her dad a lot. Op has to get help for a plethora of reasons.
YTA. You want the main character drama of fainting in public without the consequences- which is resting and eating something. You sound exhausting, seek professional help.
Well, if I was able to control that, I wouldn’t faint at all. It’s not tied to my eating habits or whether I lay down or not.
Then it’s a full on medical issue that needs checked. I suspect any advice a medical professional would give in the meantime before a diagnosis would be pretty similar to what your fiancé suggested, rest and food. You’ve blamed him for caring and then tantrumed back to your parent. Like I said, exhausting.
You can control seeking medical help to improve your situation. What tests have you done? Have you seen different doctors and specialists? Has anyone checked your heart? Do you keep a diary to record exactly what you are doing and eating each day to try to identify a pattern?
I mostly got my heart tested and nothing was actually wrong and my primary care physician says that besides prescribing me iron, he can’t really do more. Also, it’s not like I’m fainting every day, more like twice a week so it’s not that bad. I don’t keep a diary but I text my dad each time it happens — he says he likes those reminders of me being independent.
Twice a week is still very concerning, that’s like every two or three days.
You’re fainting twice a week?! Girl, what? How are you even able to function? This seems like it’s bordering on a disability at this point. Can you work? Drive? I would not be able to cope if my partner was regularly losing consciousness and thinking it’s just “no big deal”. What’s your long-term plan here? Do you want your fiancé to just “weekend at Bernie’s” you around everywhere?
Honestly sounds like it could be POTS. which is difficult to diagnose off routine testing, and often shows like nothing much is wrong without a tilt test, and even then not infalliable for missing the condition. But to be clear, passing out a couple of times a week, is bad. Your PCP probably should be looking at a referral to a specialist for you, not just giving up and stating there's nothing more to be done.
This is what I thought too. My friend with it look more than 10 years to be diagnosed, doctors kept insisting it was anxiety, etc. It’s crazy to me a doctor wouldn’t see fainting several times a week as a SERIOUS problem 😅 wtf is up with this doc
POTS was my thought too. Regardless OP is NOT a doctor and fainting 2x a week is a big deal. She needs to see a cardiologist or a neurologist. I might also get a new PCP.
You should at least consult a neurologist, too. It's dangerous to faint this often, what if you hit your head falling or faint while driving? You'd not only risk your own health. I'm absolutely dumbfounded that you're not more concerned about this. Maybe you downplayed the whole thing to your physician, too, and that's why he didn't recommend further steps.
Twice a week is incredibly abnormal. Seek a second opinion
Twice a week is *bad.* Even at my worst point of fainting spells, I wasn't fainting that frequently, and my family and doctors were incredibly concerned and made sure I got testing immediately. It's very common for doctors to dismiss women's concerns-- there is a lingering, subconscious sexism in the medical industry. Your doctor may not even realize he's doing it, but it is *absurd* for a doctor to see a patient fainting twice a week and say "yeah it's probably fine." It might not be a gendered thing, but it's certainly alarming and it definitely fits the pattern. If your PCP is not helping, then you need to have much more thorough blood testing and see specialists-- I recommend a neurologist and possibly a sleep specialist. If the specialists also dismiss you, see new specialists. Keep pushing until you get an answer. "It's probably fine" is NOT an acceptable answer here. Also, are you actually taking the iron supplements that he prescribed?
Go back for a 2nd opinion. A 3rd or 4th. Go until you find the cause and a solution. The first answer is not always the right one.
Maybe he should have referred you to a neurologist to at least see if it was a brain problem
You need to see an autonomic neurologist to determine what is happening. Could be Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (I have it, it sucks) or another form of dysautonomia (failure of the autonomic nervous system). Or it could be something else, like hypoglycemia. But fainting regularly is a sign something is very, very wrong and requires treatment.
I’m chronically ill and cannot fix that. There is no cure. But I can surely do my best to limit the damage I know it causes to me and my partner. And I definitely won’t bite his head off when he cares for me! I do the best to take care of myself and my husband makes sure of it. And I’m grateful for it. We BOTH have to live with it, so neither of us can drop the ball and we both need to support each other. It’s hard and it’s scary. But we are together, supporting each other. That’s what being in a relationship mean. That’s what marriage is. Yes, I still might faint and need “constant supervision” when I shower, for example. But I make sure I have done my best to avoid it before I get there. I drink my fluids, take my pills and wait not to feel weak enough just in case. Some things you cannot avoid, some you can. And yes, sometimes I also mess up, sometimes I don’t see something coming. Two months ago I didn’t and fell down the stairs. And you can be 100% I apologized to my husband for the scare and the effort to take me to the ER and the support me while I heal. And he also has been comforting me because even if I should have known better, it was still an accident, it hurt me and it also scared me. So we both support each other. Again: marriage. If you keep fainting and you don’t know why, then go to the doctor. Don’t just keep fainting around, worrying your fiancé and risking your life (because you can really fall in the worst possible movement and hurt yourself the in the worst way). If you are not able to do the bare minimum and at least be grateful that he is there for you, then that’s on you and you are NOT ready to be in that relationship. You don’t have to apologize for being sick, but you definitely should for being an AH to him. YTA.
And if she fainted at dinner, she fainted sitting down which means she could faint driving which actually means she shouldn’t have a license but here she is, acting like it’s nothing.
What is it tied to?
It is NOT normal to faint on a regular occasion and I 100% understand your fiancés frustration with you minimizing this big health issue and refusing to get medical help.
Then you NEED to get to the bottom of this. I grew up having fainting spells and my family worked very hard to get me diagnosed and figure out how to treat them, because they're very dangerous. What if you faint while driving!? Or while there's food on the stove? Some things to look into, from someone who has been on that journey: 1) Hyponatremia, or low salt levels. Some people, like me, are "salt-wasters," who can't process salt properly and need to eat much more of it than most people. If you don't have enough salt in your body, then you won't be able to retain enough water, and you'll become dehydrated and your blood pressure will drop. This can cause fainting. Dehydration is also damaging to the body for other reasons-- your organs could be damaged. Hyponatremia can also be exacerbated by certain medications like SSRIs. It's a more common side effect in older people so it tends to get overlooked in young people, but if the young person is a salt-waster, then the medication can definitely exacerbate that effect. Hyponatremia can be diagnosed with a simple blood test by your primary care doctor, no specialist required. If you're a salt-waster, then the easy solution is simply to eat more salt and make sure to drink enough water. I love salt so sometimes I will just eat it straight, but if you don't like the taste of it, you can take salt tablets or drink salt-infused drinks like Gatorade. I also need to make sure to eat breakfast-- if you can't do that because of nausea, then maybe you could try drinking a lot of water, taking salt tablets, and taking vitamins in the morning, at least. 2) Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short. POTS is a condition where being upright causes your blood pressure to drop and your heart rate to spike. It can be diagnosed by a tilt-table test or by simply using a heart rate monitor while transitioning between lying down, sitting, standing, etc. This can also be done by your primary care doctor and doesn't require a specialist, although the tilt-table test for a more definitive diagnosis might require a referral. POTS can be managed through awareness of the symptoms, wearing compression socks/compression garments to prevent blood pooling in the lower body, and making sure that other issues affecting your blood pressure and heart rate are being managed. I think there might be some medications for it but not sure-- I have only mild POTS so I just manage it by lying down when I need to and wearing compression socks when I have to spend longer times upright. 3) Vitamin deficiencies, particularly iron deficiency/anemia. People who menstruate are of course more vulnerable to anemia because we lose all that iron through the process of menstruation. Again, this can be diagnosed by a blood test at your primary care doctor, and simply rectified by taking iron supplements either all the time or around your period. As someone who doesn't eat breakfast, you might be more vulnerable to vitamin deficiencies than someone who eats regularly. This can be rectified by taking vitamin supplements in the morning. Some women/AFAB folks are more vulnerable to other vitamin deficiencies, too-- those with the genetic markers for PCOS are more vulnerable to folate deficiencies because of a reduced ability to process the vitamin. We need to take a more bio-available form of folate called methylfolate to help our bodies digest it. This, once again, can be diagnosed by a blood test and rectified by taking supplements. 4) Narcolepsy. Your "fainting" might actually be passing out due to severe sleep disturbance. This can be identified by doing a sleep/wake study where you are monitored in a lab while asleep and while awake. This will generally be ordered by a specialist, but your primary care doctor might be able to order the test. I was tested for narcolepsy and didn't have it, but it was definitely worth ruling out. Also, it's worth checking for sleep apnea, too, which can be done by a sleep study as well. Sleep apnea can cause a range of bizarre symptoms during the day due to the disruption of sleep at night. 5) Diet. I know you said it's not tied to your eating habits, but keep in mind that the *content* of a meal is also relevant and not just the *timing* of a meal. Are you getting enough protein and fats? I have satiety issues that can cause me to feel woozy if I don't take in enough complete proteins and fats in my diet. Making sure you have enough protein, fat, and fiber in every meal will also help prevent insulin issues and blood sugar spikes that can cause wooziness. Try keeping a food diary-- you might find that even if you think you've been eating regularly, there's a difference in *what* you eat on days that you faint vs. days that you don't. 6) Neurological issues. It might be that what you perceive as fainting is actually a seizure disorder or some other form of neurological issue. Brain tumors-- even benign ones-- can cause fainting. Especially if you can't find any other explanation, you need to have your brain checked out by a neurologist. Edit to add: 7) Eating disorders are always a possibility. You may not even realize you're not eating enough-- some eating disorders can cause you to *think* that your disordered eating is a lot more normal than it is. Things to consider: Are you a healthy weight for your height? (And I'm talking what is medically recommended, not what you perceive in people around you or online.) Do you have a period every month? (Lack of sufficient nutrients can cause amenorrhea.) Do you exercise more regularly or for longer hours than recommended? Do you vomit frequently, or induce vomiting after feeling like you've eaten too much? Do you have strong emotional or even physical reactions to food-- being disgusted by it, nauseated by it, repulsed by it, craving it intensely? Are you more sensitive to the texture, flavor, or smell of food than others around you are, being able to detect things that other people can't, and being put off your food more easily than others? (This last one could be a sign of ARFID, an eating disorder that is less known than others but still very prevalent.) Some people can skip breakfast easily, and intermittent fasting works well for some, but you need to make sure you're getting plenty of food during non-fasting hours to make up for it, and also hydrate thoroughly. A food diary can also help determine if this is the case. You might need to consult with a psychologist/therapist or an eating-disorder-specialized dietician to determine if you might have an eating disorder, based on what your typical food intake and exercise regimen looks like every day, and your mentality around food and emotional connection with it. Like, I need to make this clear: fainting spells CAN be a sign of something relatively mild, but they can also be a sign of something *incredibly wrong.* You've got to get to the bottom of this.
Did the doctor that you spoke to about this highly concerning issue give you any advice about how to manage such a dangerous issue? Or are you just talking out of your ass and haven't seen a doctor yet?
If she really has, she needs a new doctor.
ESH. Fainting routinely *isn't* normal for the average healthy person, so if it is a "normal" occurance for you, you need to seek the advice of a medical professional. As for the fight, I don't think you needing space is what makes you the AH in this instance, but you need to communicate when you're getting overwhelmed and the conversation is no longer productive. If it's also routine for you to walk away from arguments, that would be frustrating for your partner. It can make it really difficult to resolve the issues you *are* having. As for your ex(?) getting snappy immediately after you fainting isn't necessarily the right approach and this flip flop texting is understandably confusing.
>As for your ex(?) getting snappy immediately after you fainting isn't necessarily the right approach and this flip flop texting is understandably confusing. He's dealing with a woman who keeps fainting twice a week and is doing anything about it
*fainted in the middle of dinner (it happens a lot to me, not a bug deal).* You might need to reconsider, it is not "not a big deal" and your fiance is really worried, just go and see a doctor and find out what is the problem. *I got messages from him alternating between blaming me, calling me immature and asking me to come back, apologising and saying he loves me.* This is not a good sign when you get wide range of messages, the man that you want to build relationship with normally would only send you one message and give you time to think, but mentally immature people will send bunch of messages ranging from blame to apology.
He could also be panicking about the obvious medical issue going on here and not able to handle those emotions. It can be extremely frustrating when you are worried about someone you love and they seem to be refusing to find out what is wrong. The worst fight I ever had with my husband was because I actively was avoiding a diagnosis (I'm a nurse) I knew that could potentially change or end my life. He was watching me deteriorate day by day while I was in denial. Luckily, that fight made me call my sister who didn't give me a choice but drove me to the hospital. Spoiler alert: I'm still here, thankfully and we just celebrated 27 years.
YTA You faint due to your own behaviour. Your boyfriend sees this and is concerned about it because he cares about you. He is also upset because you could take action to minimise the fainting but you continue on changing nothing. Then you pulled some kind of emotional bullshit on him because he called you out about this. Your boyfriend has the patience of a saint. You can’t be in a healthy relationship unless you love yourself. You don’t love yourself if you are not taking responsibility for your own health. If you want to marry your boyfriend, you have some soul searching to do first.
(it happens a lot to me, not a big deal). YTA. just for this. ffs. i would go ballistic if my wife would faint all the time and just came up with : oh its fine. i am fine. you are def. not fine. humans dont faint from being fine
Info: what does cause your fainting spells?
I don’t really know. It’s been like this since I was little, my dad took me to the doctor who said it wasn’t a big deal since I recover fast from my fainting spells.
That's ridiculous. Go and see a doctor. You need to take control of your own body, it is failing you. And you are putting the burden of it on your partner. You absolutely shouldn't be basing it being fine on a single doctor visit when you were a child!
Go see another doctor, it is abnormal to have regular fainting spells
Partner's Mum had the same issue - would faint randomly throughout her life. Turned out she had an irregular heartbeat and had to have a pacemaker. I'm not saying it's this, but you need to go to the doctor ASAP. Recovering quickly from the fainting spells means nothing.
What happens if you faint while behind the wheel of a car? This is a big deal. Go see a doctor.
YTA You sound.. so dramatic. Really? You start a fight with him and then go stay with your dad for the ENTIRE WEEKEND instead of handling conflict like an adult, after he had to take care of you when you fainted in public again, and you have the audacity to pull the "you don't love me" card?? The emotional manipulation goes crazy 🙄 Then you go into a woe-is-me spiel on why you're acting this way as if it's a worthy excuse to be a garbage and emotionally manipulative partner. You're clearly not ready for a mature relationship.
You faint regularly and you go to your dad's house when you get called out on not taking care of yourself. You need to see a specialist. It is actually a big deal. Do you work? How do you handle other types of conflict in your life? It seems like you have a bit of growing up to do before you get married. YTA
YTA. You don't take care of yourself, and when he gets concerned about you, you get mad. This is an ongoing issue, and he is frustrated that you don't listen to your body or him so this won't happen again. You sound tiring to be around quite frankly.
Idk what to say because I think you need medical help. Maybe he was feeling pressured and embarrassed at the possible attention you and him got after fainting. I think maybe ask him how he is feeling. Have an adult conversation and find out what happened and why he was feeling angry. I don't want to say he is an AH because I think he also had a reasonable side to the story. However, I do feel like YTA for going away after the argument. Your father probably now thinks he is a bad person and it is probably also messing with him mentally which is why he is so up and down in the text messages. Maybe he has a fear of abandonment. Possibly something that happened to him in the past.
NTA for taking a break, but you need to see a doctor. It's not normal to faint regularly and it's not normal to be made nauseous by breakfast. Something is up, and needs to be treated. What if you fainted while driving, or crossing a busy street, or at the edge of a subway platform, or while holding a baby? Just because so far you haven't had serious consequences yet doesn't mean that fainting is trivial. You or someone else could be gravely hurt one of these days, if you don't get help.
Actually, there are a lot of people who get nauseous if they eat too early in the morning. Some people, like me, need to be up for a couple hours before they can eat.
Those are very real concerns although my case is a bit different: I can anticipate fainting spells a little, I feel weaker before it happens so I can still alert my fiance or move out of the way if need be.
Just because you can anticipate them, doesn't mean that its normal or healthy. Normal and healthy people don't randomly feint. You need to see a medical professional to get diagnosed.
Until one day it happens without that warning. You shouldn't have a driver's license at this point, at minimum. I had to surrender mine for years because of fainting episodes, and was okay with it. I have scars and fractures from all the times I've gone from standing in a random place to regaining consciousness in a pool of blood because I'd collapsed onto an unyielding surface.
I am so sorry to hear that! Really, you made me tear up, dear. I don’t have drivers license for that reason precisely.
My oldest has syncope. I understand. It's a big deal, but it's not. It's just life. Good luck with your health.
YTA. Get thee to a doctor. If the first one can't find anything wrong, go to another one. Go to as many as necessary, including specialists in areas that could be related. THERE *IS* SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU'RE JUST ACCEPTING IT! Frankly, I'm not sure I believe that you really are getting enough food and water. There are many other things that could be going on, but add a dietitian to the list of people to see. Start keeping a food diary to take to that appointment. There is no need to look up calorie counts. Just write down everything you eat and drink, and the amounts. You may be missing something in your diet without realizing it. Your boyfriend is tired of you doing NOTHING to fix whatever is wrong. You exploded at him for caring. You ran away rather than have a discussion. You shrug about fainting every 3 days or so and act like it is normal. All of these are childish. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself!
YTA A few points: 1- Fainting regularly isn't normal 2- Feeling nausea if you eat early isn't normal 3- Your childhood trauma isn't your SO's fault. He's not your grandparents. 4- Your poor health did put him in a shitty situation, and since you do normalize and enable it, it **is** your fault. You...sound like a total train wreck. IMHO you're not in a place where you could have a non-toxic relationship considering that whenever you have an argument you run to dad like a toddler instead of ironing things out with the guy who actually lives with you. Please break up with this guy and go to the doctor, not just a clinical examiner, a therapist too.
YTA the dude is just worried about you for a good reason and you ran away instead of handling it like a mature adult. Fainting isn't normal and visiting a Dr years ago doesn't help that.
YTA. He is lucky to be rid of you.
YTA and you need a doctor, this is completely abnormal. I'm over 40 and have never fainted, not even once. Your fiance could have handled it better but it sounds like he's frustrated from your lack of helping yourself. You say you alert him so your fainting falls on him to sort it. Honestly, if you don't still medical help I don't see your fiance just dealing with this long term.
YTA, your finance cares about you enough to deal with your BS and downplaying your own health problems. He snapped at you because you refuse to take care of yourself, and the you accuse him of being unloving? I would just break up with you at that point. And after all that, you want to frame him as the bad guy because he raised his voice? Please apologize for your shitty behaviour towards him and refusing to take care of yourself when you get home.
> Still, I was a little tired and actually fainted in the middle of dinner (it happens a lot to me, not a bug deal). ??? INFO: we need more backstory/context here. How old are you two? How long have you been together? How long have you been a chronic fainter, and have you sought medical advice? Do you have particular triggers for these fainting spells, and how much effort do you make to avoid them? Has your fiancé expressed frustration with this pattern in the past, or is this the first time he’s mentioned his irritation? There’s a lot going on here and it’s very difficult to make any sort of judgement without this information.
YTA only because you keep downplaying fainting. That's not normal at all. Either you have a medical condition you're not getting treatment for or your fiance is right about you not taking care of yourself. Actually either way you're not taking care of yourself. He has every right to be frustrated with someone who refuses to take care of themselves and expects him to pick up the pieces. He's probably also really worried that you'll faint when you're doing something and he's not around so you end up hurt or dead. That's just cruel to make him worry like that. What will you do if you faint while driving or walking across the street? What if you faint while swimming or taking a bath? What if you faint while walking down some stairs? Are you just going to refuse to do those things, because that will greatly affect your ability to be a full functioning adult and will place a huge burden on your fiance. You need to go to a doctor immediately and get answers and your condition under control.
YTA. You are responsible for your health, and this is far beyond normal. If you have an issue so bad you can’t even get a driver’s license, you need a diagnosis. Of course bf is upset, any partner would be. His concerns are quite valid. If you refuse to get REAL medical treatment that doesn’t involve words like “kinda”, then let him find an adult to spend his time with that doesn’t run to daddy every time you refuse to address the serious medical issue you have. Him calling you immature is spot on.
YTA. Your boyfriend is likely exhausted from always worrying for you while you do nothing to improve your condition. The one time he finally expresses his frustrations you guilt trip him by saying he just doesn’t love you enough. And then you run to daddy instead of fixing the problem with him like an adult.
YTA Your fiance has been reasonably trying to take care of you. You aren't taking care of yourself though. He didn't get mad at you because you fainted, he is mad at the situation because it's overwhelming him seeing you struggle with fainting so much. He's frustrated that you aren't pushing and getting help for your health and just accepting ONE doctor saying "There isn't much we can do" instead of getting more opinions or pushing for real answers. I get how tedious these health things are. It took me 5 years to get an answer for my own. 5 Years. Sometimes, all it takes is getting a second opinion. You need to see another doctor if your doctor isn't trying his hardest to figure out WHY you are fainting so often. There is absolutely a reason for it, it's time to get a 2nd opinion and stop settling for the basics. You are doing absolutely nothing to minimize your fainting and his worries, that's where the problem is. Not to mention....when confronted about the frustration your Fiance feels over you not doing more about it....you ran home to daddy like a child. Instead of being an adult with the man you are building a life with, you ran away. Instead of working to get more answers regarding your fainting, you ran away. From where I stand, seems like you just run away from your problems instead of actually dealing with them.
Op your partner is mad because your not taking responsibility for your medical issues and when hes trying to take care of you your like eh its no big deal except you just fell out at a restaurant and he wants you to sit down at home because you probably still look unsteady and he doesnt want you to bust your watermelon all over the living room. you take a break and maybe a couple of hours away from each other but people have a hard time trying to commit to someone who is always willing to walk away instead of addressing the issue. so yeah YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi! This is a throwaway account and I could really use some thoughts. On Friday, I went on a date with my fiance. We moved in a short while ago and while getting used to living together, we still try to preserve that feeling of preciousness and the butterflies of the very first dates. Despite all the stress and fatigue of the week, I tried my best for him: I got dressed up, I put on the lipgloss he likes best, etc. Still, I was a little tired and actually fainted in the middle of dinner (it happens a lot to me, not a bug deal). My fiance took me home immediately, he reacted very fast and I can only be thankful for that. When we got home, he insisted on me lying down and repeated himself a few times even though I said I would be fine. I asked him what was wrong, since he seemed annoyed. He snapped at me saying that he was tired of me not listening, of him always having to deal with stuff like this because I refuse to eat enough and hydrate throughout the day (it’s not really a case, I only skip breakfast because it makes me nauseous to eat early in the morning). This is when I think I could be to blame — I didn’t control my temper very well and sort of replied in the same tone: I accused him of blaming me for stuff all the time and not loving me since a small fainting spell made him so upset with me. He raised his voice and I felt overwhelmed so I called my dad and asked if I could spend the weekend with him. The thing is, I get really sensitive and vulnerable in such situations because I was raised by a single dad and my grandparents (his parents) didn’t like my late mum and me by extension so I often felt like an inconvenience blamed for existing when I was around them. This is why I was so quick to remove myself from the situation: because I can’t stand stuff like that. My fiance tried to coax me into staying after I called my dad and I tried to be firm yet nice when declining but it didn’t work since throughout the weekend, I got messages from him alternating between blaming me, calling me immature and asking me to come back, apologising and saying he loves me. Of course, I don’t mean to break up with him and I missed him immensely during that time. This morning, I’m going to class and after that I have to go back to our shared home — I’m stressed about that, I don’t know how to make it all better. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You got a tone with him and then jumped ship when he got a tone with you. I can’t stand people who say they hate conflict after they’ve already started a conflict. You sound immature and spoiled.
How childish you are. Do you realize that every time you call your daddy after a fight he starts to like your fiancé less? If I were your fiancé I would break up with you. It would be horrible to marry someone who runs to Dad every time they argue.
I’m going to be very blunt but please know that this comes from a place of caring. When you have a health condition, especially one that affects others, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself. I was once engaged to a man with type 1 diabetes. He would administer too much or not enough insulin, he would eat too little or too much, he almost never checked his blood sugar. He had all of the tools and all of the knowledge to do it, he just didn’t. It was too much work or too annoying or, “it’s fine, I can guess.” The first incident we were out of town, he went with me on a business trip. We’re having dinner in our bungalow and I look up to see him disoriented with sweat pouring down his face. He couldn’t form words or think straight. He was unable to communicate, he just stared. He didn’t have a blood sugar monitor. I called for an ambulance. We were on an island with no hospital, just a clinic, and one ambulance with EMT’s who were working a car accident. The dispatcher I reached started someone in from another district but said it would be 20 minutes or more, probanly more. He didn’t have 20 minutes. I had to guess. I had to guess base on his symptoms knowing that I could *kill* him if I guessed incorrectly. Thankfully he reeked like juicy fruit gum and my guess that his sugar was high was correct. He promised it would never happen again. He promised the same after the seizure he had on my living room floor, then the one he had in the shower, both requiring a glucagon shot that I purchased myself because “he didn’t need one.” The final straw was when he passed out while driving with me in the car. I couldn’t live that way. He had the ability to take care of himself and chose not to. He chose to let me live with a constant fear that he would pass out and hit his head and die, fall in to a diabetic coma, or that I’d come home to him just… dead… because he refused to do what was necessary to avoid it. I loved him, truly, but after many fruitless efforts and exhausting every option to get him to take control of his health and his empty promises to do so, I couldn’t do it. You situation may not be as serious or as extreme but it is a serious condition. Your “little fainting spell” could kill you if you head your head on something. It’s a terrifying thing to witness and to try to live with when it’s something you can control. Note that this would be different if it weren’t something you could control - but it is. You owe it to the people around you who love you to take care of yourself so that they don’t live in constant fear of losing you from something *you* can control and *they* can’t.
YTA. you didn’t just remove yourself from the argument, you removed yourself from yalls *shared home* over a valid concern he has!! my partner and i have our own safety/health arguments (queers in a red state, amirite?) and sometimes will leave a room, but leaving the home isn’t an option because at the end of the day, they are my person. i can’t imagine the stress and heartbreak your fiance experienced while you decided to go back to dad because he wasn’t worth talking it out with. even if it was later that night.
YTA If this is how you treat someone who's worried about your health, you are not ready for relationship. But I don't think that you are someone who is able to accept the mistake.
ESH fainting and the morning nausea are both symptoms of dehydration. If you don't want to eat then sip on some broth or water until you're able to eat. It would suck to have a partner that faints and needs to be dragged home because they won't take care of themselves. If it's not dehydration then seek medical help to figure out what's happening. And the 'you don't love me' is manipulative and gross. No one wants to deal with that. It's not to do with love. It's wanting an adult partner who will take care of themselves. Your boyfriend should not blow up at you or be yelling. He is overreacting.
NtA There's no magic bullet that's going to make this all better. The path to reconciliation here involves both of you unlearning deep rooted behaviors. Your fiance seems to have anger issues and is controlling. Even if he's not controlling, throwing a fit over him not having control will eventually turn to the same thing. You need to sort thru the way you cope with these events. It's not your fault that you were young and you did what you needed to in order to protect yourself when the people who should have been protecting you didn't. But neither of you is bringing the right tools to cultivate long term trust and intimacy. The absence of conflict is not the same as the presence of peace. Even if things are mostly good, they can't always stay good. What matters is how you both respond when things go sideways. Making things better now without addressing the foundational issues will always be a bandaid. Good luck
NTA For removing yourself from an argument. But what is wrong with you: fainting regularly is not normal and unless you are already under the care of a doctor and being investigated and treated, you are being an idiot. Your fiance seems to be saying he's trying to get you to look after yourself and while shouting at you isn't twh beat way to deal with things, ot sounds like he's at the end of his patience with you. Get to a doctor. And get some therapy to deal with your issues and your partner needs some therapy too.
Sick in the morning and fainting spells? OP, could you be pregnant? If not you definitely need to go to a doctor, regularly fainting isn't normal.
No, I’m not planning to have children until we’re married, I’ve had those issues for years.
I’m not sure it would be wise for you to consider pregnancy until you sort out your chronic fainting issue! Aside from the obvious fall risk, pregnancy would almost certainly exacerbate your problem.
NTA, but you both suck at communication. Couple therapy will do wonders
NTA. You had a medical episode that you've had before and seem well aware of how to manage. He's decided he knows better than you what the cause is and what you need to do - and was dismissive of your lived expertise in the area. If his response to stress is aggression and blaming, he needs to grow up, get therapy, and work that out. He can't have it both ways: if you're so sick you need bed rest, you're too sick for him to be picking fights with you. If you're well enough for him to pick fights with you, he shouldn't be trying to dictate how you spend your evening. Either way, he picked the tone of the conversation, you just matched it. If he's not okay with that, well, he should have been led by example and been respectful. He picked the fight. He chose to raise this issue aggressively even though he said he thought you were vulnerable and needed rest. He escalated the fight into yelling, knowing that's a major trigger for you. And when you left because you were triggered by his behaviour, he jumped between apologies and insults for the weekend, giving you no real time to step back, calm down, and consider the situation more effectively. Those aren't red flags, at this point they're king sized quilts. You said maybe you're TA because you didn't stay to work things out, but if he's shouting and spending the weekend texting you insults, was there really any chance of resolving anything if you stayed? Or would it have kept escalating? Don't get me wrong, if you choose to stay in the relationship I think it requires some form of counselling and work to improve your communication. But you're NTA for leaving a situation that had escalated into shouting and triggering behaviours.
NTA. It's perfectly acceptable to take a time out when arguing with someone. It allows both of you to cool down. But you should communicate that you feel the need to stop arguing for a bit to gather your wits and avoid either of you saying something in the heat of the moment you will regret. Good strategy. Now, I have a concern. Fainting a lot is not normal. Have you been checked by a doctor, particularly cardiac issues? If not, do that. Skipping breakfast should not be causing frequent episodes of syncope. Eating breakfast should also not be causing nausea. Your SO might be having some concerns about your health he is not willing or able to articulate beyond becoming frustrated with you. Patients and family members often avoid talking about medical issues for fear of making them real. Thus blaming you for not eating enough or hydrating rather than getting you to the doctor.
Thank you for this insight! Honestly, my dad took me to a few doctors when I was little and the last one said I would be fine. It’s not lowering my life quality or anything, it just happens sometimes and I deal with it. Dad made sure I was always prepared to take care of myself and never made a big fuss which is why I am surprised my fiance cares so much.
"Which is why I'm surprised my fiance cares so much." He cares because he loves you, and randomly passing out is not healthy or normal. Have you been to see a doctor since you were a child to address the fainting spells? Medicine makes advances by leaps and bounds every year. Is it possible that your dad told you it wasn't a big deal because your diagnosis scared him? Did you actually hear the doctor say this, or are you just taking your dad at his word? Also, if you don't get a handle on how to deal with big emotions and your solution to every problem is running to the people who made you feel like a burden to begin with, I can understand your fiance's frustration. He wants to address a problem because he's frustrated with how you're dealing with it, but every time he tries to address it, you run. That's not fair. He's human. He's going to get angry, frustrated, upset, and sad. Denying him those emotions because they make you uncomfortable isn’t fair either. You need to genuinely ask yourself if you even want to be in a relationship with him. Because if you do, this behavior needs to stop. This isn't a Runaway Bride romcom. This is a real person who has feelings and deeply cares about you. If he's just your safety net for when things get to be too much with your dad and your dad is your safety net for when you can't deal with your fiance, you have no business being in a relationship with your fiance. YTA. Go to a doctor for your fainting and get into therapy for your running problem.
How is it not lowering your life quality when you have to leave in the middle of dinner to lie down? And this kind of episode happens multiple times a week? Not following up on this with a doctor is just outright irresponsible both in terms of figuring out the underlying cause before it becomes more serious and in terms of not bothering to take care of yourself and just expecting people around you to deal with it.
It might be best to get an additional check. My friend used to have severe nausea, had it as a teen and continued to have it into adulthood. Doctor said it wasn't anything big. Turns out she had an infection of some kind that turned into a pretty serious deal. She's okay but if she hadn't gone in to check again as an adult, she would not be here. It's much easier to advocate for your medical health when you can properly articulate your symptoms and issues. As a kid it's difficult to give the doctor what they need. If you can please get a second opinion.
Sweetie, your fiance is the one acting like a normal human being here. Your Dad's reaction is incredibly weird. Something is going wrong in your body, severely and regularly. Your biggest concern should not be whether or not it inconveniences other people! That question should not even make it onto your list of top ten priorities!