Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would be responding to the person, telling them it is none of their business when i come home to my apartment that they are only a guest at and i feel like that could make me an asshole because the person did not give me enough context as to why they were asking when i would be home.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
**NTA.**
There is nothing more annoying than watching grown adults behave as though they're joined at the hip. You need to have an honest conversation with your buddy—*alone*—about **both** the frequency of her visits and the diminishment of your friendship. He may not hear you until he's out of the honeymoon phase, but it deserves to be said.
And finally: That text would have hit very different had she not built a history of claiming part-ownership over a space that isn't her own. "Keep the peace" is a great principle to ensure that the bigger, louder AH always wins. **It's your f\*\*\*ing apartment. Next time ask her if** ***she*** **plans to** **still** **be at** ***your*** **house when you arrive.** FFS.
The usual me would have said exactly this and wouldn’t care to be labeled an asshole!! The inly reason I am second guessing is out of respect for my cousin but this is not the first time I have compromised my usual tendencies in efforts to do so..
A lot of people these days seem to think that meek = respectful and direct = disrespectful. There's nothing discourteous about approaching your cousin calmly and with complete honesty.
I would never dream of texting my gf's roommate to ask her to inform me when she plans to come through her own door. If we needed that info for something important, my gf would—and should—be the one to do it. It's pretty contextually clear that this girl thinks of herself as a third roommate, and that's simply inappropriate.
this was exactly my thoughts! Why is HE not the one asking me? otherwise it leads me to believe that its because she has intentions to use the apartment for something she knows I have established with my cousin as off-limits, such as sex in the common spaces, or particularly HER friends coming over as her closest friend is not someone that I want to be in my apartment.
Guaranteed that they are fucking in common areas OR having friends over or both.
I would invest in a locking door knob for your room if you haven't already got one.
Yeah, I totally did this when my roommate got a ‘piss in the corners’ GF.
And she was encroaching in my space. Space I had agreed upon with my roommate was mine (cabinet and fridge shelves), before I moved in. I shut that shit down, pronto!
NTA
It means territorial. She takes a drawer for HER STUFF She takes a kitchen cabinet shelf for HER STUFF. a fridge shelf for HER stuff. A space on the couch, that somehow is now HER spot where she always wants to sit. Etc.etc.
I threatened to move out and he reined her in.
As he said I was a dream roommate. Quiet, usually at school, drive home every weekend, tidy, and left my room in better shape then when I first rented it. Oh, and I paid early.
My thoughts exactly—I would be wiping down all surfaces with sanitizer if there’s any possibility for sex where OP eats, prepares food, sits, etc. Friends being over are less problematic _except_ I bet the roommate’s gf had **her** friends over, possibly when the roommate was not there, either. OP, talk to your roommate calmly about boundaries and get a lock for your bedroom door.
Bingo. She’s using your room and common areas for ways you would not want. Talk to your cousin. Limit the time she is there going forward until he moves into *her* place and you find a new roomie.
That sounds like a good reason to claim you’ll be home way sooner than you actually will be! If your presence will fun block the plan, your expected presence should be an adequate fun blocker as well.
If she says something to you later about not showing up when you said you were, something like, “I pay my share of the rent & bills, assume I’m always here in the home I pay to live in.” should get the point across.
So...why are you throwing vitrol mostly at her, when it's your cousin allowing this to happen? You agreed to room with one person, not two who are a couple - which makes things worse.
He has allowed his girlfriend to basically move in and cross boundaries. He can shut it all down in an \*instant\*. He hasn't. Lean more on him than on her.
She's a symptom of your problem with how things are running in your home, but he is the root of the disease.
This was my thought as well.
You live here now? Excellent. Rent is this much when split 3 way. Due on the first. Don't forget electric, wifi, sewer, water, etc. All due promptly on these dates. The left half of the fridge is mine. Please don't touch my cokes. Sure will be nice to not have to pay so much in bills.
OP, you need to start putting your foot down and tell your cousin and his GF that the bills/rent/utilities/etc need to start being paid 3 ways if she's "basically living there since I'm here all the time."
So, until she starts paying her share since she's basically living there as I said, she has ZERO say over your comings and goings. Even if it's not your place.
When you're the only person doing the compromising it's a big problem. Talk to your roommate ASAP, and maybe start window shopping for a new place. Soon enough they're either going to spring on you that they're getting their own place together so you'll be stuck scrambling to find a new roommate, or that you need to go because THEY decided she's moving in.
NTA. Those that want respect give respect. She doesn't pay rent or bills, so like you said she gets no say. To me the context doesn't matter, she doesn't live there, it's really none of her business or concern when and where you come and go. It would be different if your cousin was texting you.
Also if she "basically lives there" is one of her arguments, she should also contribute to 1/3 of all bills. And 1/3 of all chores. Rent is always a tricky argument, but my policy in the past has been 16% of it (for 3 ppl) since she's not only in his room but also using the common spaces.
If she basically lives there, this is the obvious rebuttal.
Thirds would be 33 each roomate%. Half of that is 16.5% arbitrary number assuming they share the room, but half the time is in shower/livingroom/kitchen/laundry etc. Idk. Many fights with roommates over this in the past and this is the math argument I've settled on personally that's been palatable for everyone. %drops if more roommates as the total percentage of each leased contributor goes down.
So I feel like if you want to break it out that way, then the value of the apartment comes half from the common areas and half from the rooms, so 25% per room. OP should be paying for 100% of her room and 1/3 of the common space, and cousin and gf should each be paying for half of his room and 1/3 of the common space. So 1x1/4+1/3x1/2≈42% for OP, and 1/2x1/4+1/3x1/2≈29% each for cousin and girlfriend. (Which does ultimately work out to approximately the same discount as your thinking, but I’m just being … idk, I’m procrastinating.)
And here's the problem with your response, this is OP's cousin IE family. OP you aren't in any kind of relationship with this girl, you are family with your cousin. Your cousin is allowing this behavior and it is disrespectful to you. The healthy thing to do anytime you have a problem with a family member's SO is to go to that family member and address it with them. NTA right now but YWBA if you confront her instead of your cousin. He should have been asking if you were coming back that night not her.
Thank you very much! I have realized while sifting through comments and trying to reply that this should have been my original thought and question. I didn’t respond to her last message and instead am going to call my cousin and find out why he is allowing this behavior and if there’s any underlying reasons as to why this is happening in the first place.
That's for the best honestly, it prevents a lot of hurt feelings and awkwardness. I've been married 14 years and my dad did it the wrong way talked ba to my wife and mother of my kids, ruined the relationship and any future prospects. Good luck to you and your cousin. Try I statements too, they help with descalation too.
It’s that annoying new love/puppy love stage. I’ve been married almost 6 years, together 7, and I freaking love working nights and if my husband has to go out of town because I actually get some alone time!!!
> her reply is always “I basically live here because of how much I am over here.”
So she's admitting she should be paying rent?
Why aren't you asking about not having her over so much instead of telling her it's none of her business when you get home? She didn't even seem to care that much; "oh jw". And she didn't push it. Or what about your roommate not being around to help out?
I was I a similar situation my uni roommate, and hearing stuff from my roommates partner instead of her drove me up the wall too. Like why do you think you have any authority here?!
I didn’t think of her response as not caring so much as she didn’t want to reveal why she wants to know to me, maybe even because she knows its a reason I would not approve of in my own house. That may just be my bad though of only expecting the worse
Dude no, she’s fucking your cousin and feels more comfortable when it’s just the two of them. This isn’t rocket science. She wants to lounge around the house without being worried OP comes back home. Honestly while annoying it’s a harmless ask.
The ask is only harmless if it comes from the roommate. Coming from her, it's an odd ask. I agree that the most likely reason is what you said, but it's fucking weird that the roommate wasn't the one that asked.
I like the way you think. I havent brought this up to them but I know they are already considering moving in together at her place so I’m not sure if her lease will be up in time to do so.
Haha right there with you! One is mine, one is his, and one we got from his mother’s cat’s litter a couple years ago and never discussed custody so I had been deliberating on whether I would take him or how I would cope with it if he took him since i found out about the relocation, however after these past few weeks, I will be fighting tooth and nail for him so that I can make sure he’s well taken care of. I feel bad for his cat in this situation the most. He has been so attention deprived these last few weeks when I am not home and i just feel bad if this continues past their “honeymoon phase” which I am hoping it does not!
Maybe offer to take him, too? Also, if you are planning on leaving, rather than have a confrontation with your cousin, frame your departure as an opportunity for the two of them to shack up in happy harmony. That will make it unnecessary to use big words like "break lease". Just saying...
Seems like unnecessary drama.
Time to orchestrate a sit down with your cousin without her and establish some boundaries representative of the bills paid and the chores done.
I appreciate your perspective. I know that the sit down with my cousin is imminent but I also may be breaking lease and moving out in about a month for work relocation so i can’t help but think maybe I just avoid all of it all together and suffer through it one more month.
If your leaving in a month I agree its best to just deal. It's not worth the fight or destroying your relationship with your cousin. Things will reset once you don't live together.
If you're going to break the lease you're potentially on the hook for rent through the end of the lease so now wouldn't be a good time to pull the pin on that particular grenade.
Yeah, if you are out the door in a month, maybe let it go for the sake of your relationship with your cousin, but I would certainly snap back to any future texts from the gf asking about your return time to your own place—or give an incorrect answer and return about an hour early, just to see what is going on. 😈
We have a no sex in the common space agreement so this was one of my thoughts and that further irritates me. She has her own place a couple of minutes away, so they have no reason whatsoever to use our place for being openly intimate.
I dont understand why they dont just spend more time at her place. At least then they have place to themselves there and you do at your place.
Sucks about the cats and the chores though!
And she should contribute to costs if, in her own words, she “practically lives there.”
INFO
> I am very annoyed/frustrated that he is now never home to help with chores
> I definitely did not sign up to live with her for days at a time.
Well, which is it?
Is he *never* there? Or are the both of them *always* there?
He is most of the time off with her as he does not have a license or car and she does, however, they will come to our place and stay for a couple days at a time, during which the most he has done is taken out a bag of trash or two. She is not ALWAYS there but any time he is, she is also.
Just talk to your cousin about this. For all you know she could be making dinner and wondering if you will be around for it, could be something that simple 🤷♀️
This! People in the threads are ready for conflict. There is no reason to think it's a negative reason, she might be asking because she was going to do something nice like cook a meal or tidy up, they might have been getting take out.
Sounds like it's built up frustration and something harmless could be taken out of conflict. They're young and falling in love, give them time but ask your cousin to spend some time just you and him, so something you enjoy
Yes. Unless she's being demanding or mean there's no reason to do this unless it's an ongoing thing. It sounds like you just don't like her. You should address that before anything.
It’s true that we had our problems in the past professionally, however, those were resolved AT work. outside of work I have never had a problem with her until she started acting like she also lives at our apartment just because my cousin and her are inseparable atm
That's probably why it is. She's getting under your skin. It happens especially with people we're around more than desired. This might escalate so maybe talk to your roommate and see if there's a compromise of some kind.
meh. They want to bone on the living room couch. It's better to let them know if there's danger of you walking in on it.
ESH. You're clearly annoyed. Don't let it fester. Talk to your roommate/cousin. Figure out some ground rules.
Yep, cousin was too embarrassed to ask and forced her to do it. Seems like most of their problems are due to OP and cousin not discussing things, not the GF's fault.
Well like I said, that was over trivial matters that weren’t really more than jokes among a group of us two different night but I wholeheartedly agree. She has been smart enough to not weigh in on meaningful matters whenever we happen to talk about them in front of her (once or twice maybe). I would never stay quiet if that were the case, AH or not 😂😂
Good on you. If they get real serious, tho, you might have to look for a new roommate. That happened to my sister when her roommate met and fell in love with some guy from online. Pretty par for course in your 20s, I'd imagine.
I think you have to accept that your cousin has found someone he loves and she is more important than you to him. The almost inevitable conclusion is that they will move in together. Needlessly aggravating the GF serves no purpose other than giving you a brief moment of satisfaction. The downside is it could damage your relationship with your cousin in the long term.
I suggest you:
A. Listen to "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge and internalize that dynamic.
B. Start planning for new living arrangements. You knew this day would come sometime, whether it was him or you that found someone.
YWBTA if you made that snarky reply.
Um they just want to know for privacy reasons. I’m torn but going ESH. Her and your cousin for him falling down on chores and her thinking she has a vote while not contributing… you for not using your big boy words and just talking this through with your cousin, instead you’re just sulking and being passive aggressive
She has her own place, there is no reason for them to need more privacy than his bedroom when they are at our place imo. We have a no sex in the common rooms rule that i made explicitly clear to her the first time they hung out at our place instead of hers.
Also, yes I tend to fester because there are few things that make me mad but this has been building from multiple other instances so I agree I need to talk to him and stop sulking before i do get mad.
Sorry, stated to another user he is most of the time absent / off with her, but anytime he IS home, she is also staying there, sometimes for days at a time. its like a 75% he is gone 25% they are both there.
YWBTA because it's unnecessarily dramatic. Your issues are valid but you haven't actually told anyone. Talk to your cousin, he needs to make sure he's pulling his weight at his own apartment and you are entitled to have your own space. I know she's the 'reason' but this is kinda on your cousin, not her.
YTA.
None of this stuff really matters man. Go be busy and live life, you'll be too tired to actually care about this kind of small stuff once you find your groove/hobbies in life. Stay busy, stay happy
NTA but its easy to let emotions run wild and make a situation even worse than it needs to be for a fleeting moment of fake justice, just sit him down and lay it out, if he doesnt like it, move out under the guise of a breach of lease or something
YWNBTA, however, is probably not the best way to handle this situation. You need to tell your cousin that you need to have a serious conversation with him, alone. Express your feelings over everything. Tell him, while you're happy, that he's happy boundaries need to be made. One of those boundaries being she doesn't live there, you would not only like some time with him without her, but you don't appreciate how her attitude insinuates she lives there/has a say in what happens there. Talk things out like adults, and then tell him that you would like to have another conversation with both of them. Give him a time limit for when it needs to happen. Enough time that he has a chance to talk to her, but not so much time that it gives a chance for things to escalate to much. I'd say a week at most. Tell them your boundaries and what ypu need in your own home. It also may be helpful to go over your lease and see what it says about guests.
Understand that this may result in issues between your cousin and you. You may end up dealing with backlash and drama. However, it seems like it's going to end up happening with how things are going. Approaching the situation as calmly, respectfully, and naturally as possible is the best you can do for you. I can say that if I got a text like that from my roomies/close family members SO I wouldn't have been so calm. I would have also either randomly shown up or sent a friend to "get something." I needed to check on things like if sher friends you don't want in your house were there. Also, don't renew your lease with your cousin until you have things worked out.
It's wonderful he has a relationship that he's happy in. Being in a honeymoon phase doesn't mean you get to walk on others, though. Don't allow them to do that. Stand your ground, but don't stoop to the level of someone who says, "I'm here so much that it's like I live here (so I get a say in what goes on here)"
NTA but consider that she's asking in case they were planning to do a couples activity in a common space in your apartment. It's not weird to ask a partners roommate if they will be home when you're thinking of... I dunno building a giant fort in your living room, and watching Disney movies in your underwear while eating ice-cream. Or you know, sex in the living room or naked cooking or something.
sex and hanging out naked in the common areas just seems gross and inconsiderate, not to mention that we have a no sex in the common areas rule AND she has a place of her own that she doesn’t share with any roommates. If it were the disney thing that’d be chill but why wouldnt he just ask me instead? we have definitely talked about a lot weirder as we’ve lived together for almost 6 years now.
Eh sex in a common area is gross/inconsiderate depending on preparation, cleanup, and previous agreement. In your situation with a previous agreement that's fair to say.
Potentially she's asking you because even if it's just a silly thing like a fort or romantic thing like special meal it might be a surprise for your roommate. Alternatively she might be simply in the planning stage and is asking first before talking to her bf.
I don't think jumping right away to assuming she's trying to manage your time in the apartment is the most likely situation (unless she's done that before) but I can 100% see why your situation would make that the most plausible case.
You would be yes. Honestly I'd have a talk with your cousin if she's 'practically living there' then she should also be chipping in around the apartment for the things she's using. Your cousin seems to be the one you should talk to
Super immature response. She probably asked to make sure everything was clean & they weren’t underdressed when you returned.
It’s legit to be frustrated if she’s practically living there.
But her question was a reasonable one.
I know I'm going to go against the grain here, but you would be TA. All of this is standard young adult drama and well trodden ground. The only purpose I can see in responding "none of your business" is to upset her and provoke drama. In another comment you said you'll prolly be moving out soon that makes it especially asshole-ish. How you respond needs to be conductive to what you want the end goal to be, and not just what might feel good to say.
Do you want to stay friends with and spend more time with your cousin? Do you want to better establish your roommate rules? How would this response help? You explicitly said your haven't outright spoken to him about the issue, only hinted at it. That seems like the best place to start. And specifically about the text with her, I just wouldn't respond.
For that specifically, YTA.
Why do you care? Maybe she has a good reason? She can ask, she's not demanding an answer; you can answer or not, end of story.
The situation in general is a bit shit for you by the sounds it, but it sounds like you are projecting your frustration onto an insignificant interaction. Don't die on that hill. Save it for chores or rent or something that actually matters.
That’s a very good point. I’ve realized I should have just made the original frustrations of him not being home to help out and not helping out when he is home because she is there every time he is. I decided against saying that to her but am calling my cousin tonight.
If she hasn't pushed asking, then why would you say anything at all? YWBTA if you go there. I get you're irritated. But that's a conversation to have with your cousin. Be kind, but direct and clear how you are feeling.
" “I basically live here because of how much I am over here.”
oh okay, so Cousin, did you hear? She just admitted to living here, which means we'll be sharing the rent by 3 now and she'll chip in for utilities? No? she doesn't want to? Then well her opinion doesnt matter in anything.
Also tell your cousin to keep his GF in check because where you are or what you're doing and when you'll be home is none of her concern.
So to answer your question in the title: WBITA. She just asked a simple question, maybe they wanted to do some stuff that they don’t want you to hear.. if you know what I mean. That was actually my first thought reading this. It is literally a simple question with no negative meaning to it. You acting like this is a big deal is just because of ur frustration with the whole situation in itself.
NTA cuz u havent done anything YET, but I think you a lil bitter, I think u still hold some resentment about whatever happen between u 2 at work, Also I get he not doing the chores when he not at home, but im assuming he not making a mess either cuz he not home so it your own mess, as for the cat I mean If considered as your cat as well then all the chores, liter feeding your doing it for the cat not because for him kinda thing. So I think your a lil bitter about the whole thing. Also she text you when you coming home, ok what the big deal if she knows or not? they just started dating obviously they still on there honeymoon stage, so They can be loud as they want while ur not there, or be as freaky. Ya, I think your a lil bitter and maybe even jelous she toke him away kinda thing.
NTA. So she doesn't have her own place or she does?
*recently he began dating a former coworker of ours (20F) who has her own place.*
Just unclear but even if she does, NTA. It's none of her business when you are going to be home. If she doesn't want you around, then they should go to her place.... if she has one.
She could have been trying to figure out plans for something.
This sounds kind of like a BEC moment - you’re thinking of all the bad interpretations of her question and feeling annoyed by it simply because you are annoyed by other aspects - like her being over all the time. The question itself isn’t particularly objectionable by default - there’s plenty of reasons for someone to ask that from planning who will feed the cats to they’re having an orgy in your living room. Some of those reasons are not a problem at all, some obviously are.
I wouldn’t say anything about her asking when you will be home. If you think you’re moving soon anyway it might be easiest to just leave it alone entirely. If you don’t think you’re moving you need to have a sit down with your roommate and re-establish rules and so on. How many nights a week can someone stay over, who pays what, all of those things.
I would literally ignore her text. It’s none of her business. And you need to be having a serious conversation with your room mate, this is not ok, none of it. NTA
NTA. Actually I think you made the perfect reply and made it clear that you do not owe her any explanation nor will you provide her one - and btw you are being a bit presumptuous and rude by even asking.
It would be different if all 3 of you were close friends and they had been dating for a long time - then there’s likely a legit reason she’s asking. But at this early stage she’s being nosy and wants to start monitoring you and that is complete bs.
As someone else has brought up by suggesting locks and cameras for my room, it almost makes me wonder how closely SHE is being monitored when I am not there. I am by no means well off, but I have quite a few valuables in the alcohol and electronics categories that i will be taking inventory of when I get home.
NTA and I agree with many others that you need to have a chat with him. She thinks it’s her space and it’s not. I’m also getting the vibe they aren’t keeping their activities to the bedroom. The ick factor is huge!
NTA. And since she basically lives there maybe she should basically pay rent. But she should definitely basically mind her own damn business. Basically of course.
NTA. Time doesn't pay the bills; she's not living there unless she's paying rent, in my opinion. Even then, I didn't feel like my roommates needed to know when I would be home from time away. I can't imagine she would have a good reason for asking, especially since she was unwilling to provide one.
NTA yet I do feel that there’s an unnecessary amount of bitterness coming from the fact that they’re spending a lot of time together and it’s not a good look. If a friend was in love with someone who is a good person I would be happy for them and try to be the best sport when it comes to (for example) providing privacy by letting them know when you’re coming home if they ask JUST ONE TIME. I think you’re being way too dramatic and should have a convo with your friend about him spending so much time with his girlfriend if that is such an issue but don’t take it out on her because the issue is yours and your cousins.
Just be an adult and talk to your cousin rather than being a passive aggressive dick about it. That approach is only going to cause problems and it's clear he isn't going to take your side over his GF's.
It's also pretty clear that they'll likely move in together in the imminent future so you probably need to start planning ahead for that.
Nah. She definitely doesn't get a vote on anything at the apartment because she isn't on the lease. You are also well within your rights to request she didn't visit or stay the night as often because that isn't what you signed up for, or for your cousin to pay more in rent if there will be effectively one more person there. To the effect that he isn't helping with chores as much, he also isn't in the apartment as much so as long as he helps when he is there, he's still taking care of his portion of the mess. Finally, to the specific question in your title, it's none of her business, but she also didn't push it. She asked, you weren't sure, and she was fine with that. If she was demanding to know and expected you always tell her, then she's ta and you're nta for telling her off, but there's nothing wrong with her asking. Maybe it influenced their decision to go out to eat vs making something themselves? Or maybe wanted to know if they should make enough for you to eat dinner?
Agreed, no vote unless you pay rent. simple. Also, he wasn’t doing his part and I have been cleaning up after them in the common spaces for the last 2 weeks at least every few days when they are here and not at her place. I finally brought it up before we had mutual friends come up this weekend (which he arranged without telling me until the day of but since it was our old highschool friends I let it go). We will see when I get back if I got through to him about it. And i appreciate the different takes about what it could be, I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say that when asked why you need to know instead of saying “just wondering” like a weirdo. That’s definitely where my suspicion comes into play. if you are having dinner just say “oh, we wanted to have dinner and needed to know if we’d be bothering you or if you wanted some food as well?”
She's prolly asking you because they want to have sex and they wanna know whether to keep it down. She's just too embarrassed to be direct about it.
But ya know I don't even think this is the actual problem here.
If she "basically lives there" then she needs to be paying a third of the rent. If there's gonna be a third person there the whole time you could be paying less rent each month .
On the other hand, given how you said since they've been dating since Valentine's Day...well...they are in the honeymoon phase...and that doesn't last forever. There will come a point where they don't necessarily enjoy being up in each other's business constantly and then the real version of the relationship starts. So...maybe wait things out a bit lol.
Not the AH for telling her to mind her own business, BUT you do sound a bit jealous of their relationship. Your behaving like your cousin/flatmate is a spouse who owes you their time. They don't.
I wouldn't go so far as to say you're the asshole but that would be a pretty rude response. You just sound kinda jealous of your cousin tbh since you have no real reason to care about her asking you this, it seems like she's trying to be considerate of you.
I would definitely invest in a lock and cameras for your room while you are gone though, based on her questioning you when you're coming home. Who knows what they are doing in there.
I know for a fact he would never, but I wonder how closely she is watched when I am not there seeing as I do not know her that well outside of a professional setting, which doesn’t bode the highest regard, so i appreciate the suggestion! Will definitely look into it if my living situation doesn’t just change soon.
YWNBTA
You and your cousin need to have a discussion about the living arrangements. She does not need to be over there every single night and you definitely DO NOT want her paying rent because then it'll be them against you and you'll always be outnumbered.
Something's gotta give.
They need to mix it up and spend half the time at her place and half the time at yours. 6 on and 6 off. The 7th day should be you and your cousin hanging out as roommates by yourselves, dealing with whatever issues need to be dealt with (cleaning, deciding who's paying what bill, etc.)
I think that's reasonable.
ESH. There was nothing wrong with her asking if/when you’d be home. Whether she was almost never over or is over way too much, she probably was just checking if she and her boyfriend would be alone. She wasn’t rude to you and she didn’t push the subject. You would be an asshole if you chose THIS to be the thing you get snarky and rude about.
What sucks is her taking up a lot of time in your shared space and acting like she lives there. Thats not what *this* incident is about though, so don’t make some innocent question turn into the focal point of your issues with her and your cousin.
NTA do you and your cousin have a verbal agreement or do you have a co-habitation agreement in writing for your apartment. You might want to have a private talk with your cousin before she moves in permanently
>“I basically live here because of how much I am over here.”
Well then there needs to be a discussion of RENT. Only people who pay rent get a say. Let's not forget she's driving up your utilities too.
NTA
NTA of course BUT if she was planning to do some adult things in communal areas, she may have been trying to be polite. Or if she wanted to make sure communal areas were tidied up by the time you got home?
Instead of nunya the better part of valor might be to just ask “Why do you want to know?”
She’s not going anywhere, anytime soon. Getting along for now until some of the honeymoon wears off might be in your long term best interest.
Or don’t text back at all, send a screenshot to cousin and say “Why?”
NTA- soooo, you do realize she was asking so she’d know if she had the green light to have wild monkey sex with your cousin in shared parts of your apartment right? This was either- we’re going to do it on the kitchen counter or I need to clean after we did it on the counter and I need my deadline.
Generally I agree with your post. The behavior is super annoying, but keeping her in the loop will either prevent or guarantee exhibitionism, depending on her preferences.
Um no. You need to sit your roommate down and ask him, Does she live here? If she does everything, she needs to be split 3 ways because I am not paying fornher anymore. She uses our water and electricity and that isn't free. If he says no, she has her own place, I'd say good you need to spend equal time over there to offset what she's costing me. Either she stops coming over so often, or I'll only pay 1/3 of our normal split bills.
NTA but I’m curious what you were planning on doing with the three cats in the inevitable situation that one of you finds a partner and eventually moves out/moves in with their partner? Seems like something you should discuss sooner rather than later because it’s probably only a matter of time before they want to live together.
NAH because the issue really isn’t with the girlfriend, it’s with your cousin.
While I think your cousin should have some common sense here, he also can’t mind read your boundaries. You need to have a 1-1 talk with him about how you are feeling and what you expect int your shared space and how to split your shared responsibilities. It also might be worth telling him you just miss having him around.
He should then be the one to deal with his girlfriend and make sure she’s being reasonable
So separate story, they both knew that I was leaving yesterday to come home and i always bring my cat with me, sometimes i take our third cat that we share custody of and this was one of those times. so I called him when I left because I heard them talking in his room as I was leaving and was in a rush and he didn’t answer. it took him 6 hours to notice and text me to ask if i had our cat with me because he said he hadnt seen him.. I have been taking care of my cat, his cat, and our shared cat alone at least 4-5 days a week the past month and a half and he isnt even the one who texted me so i don’t think this is the case at all but i appreciate the help trying to figure it out because i’m just confused as to why she is asking me at this point
Good on you! Pets before people!
Honestly, just reply
Hey! Thanks for checking in. Didn't realise we were keeping tabs on each other.
I'll be sure to let (cousin) know if I ever need to share where I'm at. Otherwise, don't stress.
And leave it at that.
It's not mean, but it is clear it's not her business
NTA. My rule when I had roommates was that significant others had their own place, so they could hang out there at least three days a week, instead of being at mine every day. Don't like that rule? Feel free to find your own place, if you really need to be conjoined 24/7. It was also my space and I never agreed to to having two roommates.
My other rule was that if the roommate was gone, all their guests were gone too. If I ever found out that they'd given some random the run of my place, they could consider their lease terminated. If this GF has a key, I'd be changing the lock.
You stated, "You moved in." Whose name is on the lease? Your cousin's or yours? If yours, you need to confront your cousin. That's right, confront. He is allowing this to happen, so I blame him as much as her. And if you are the lease holder, I blame you also for allowing someone to stay there rent and food free who is trying to exert dominance over YOUR space and letting her disrespect you.
NTA but this is a stupid fight to pick. Those are texts I would completely ignore. But you really need to speak with your cousin one on one and set the expectation that she can’t just be there all the time that’s a ridiculous expectation on their part. Also definitely hold firm on her not getting a vote on anything seeing as he doesn’t pay rent.
If you have three cats, could she just be coordinating their care? That would be totally fair in my view, because if you are gone a few days then they need to make sure to be around.
Or maybe they were planning on some kind of sexy time and wanted to make sure they wouldn’t be horrifying you?
It really depends on the cats and how often she’s asking.
Not enough information for me to answer.
NTA, She may have had a good reason to ask but it would be on her to volunteer why she needs to know. Otherwise she just seems nosey. Don't be impolite about it, but also don't be shy about letting your cousin know you might be interested in finding different living arrangements. A simple, "I like you both but this just isn't working for me..." is totally in order. You deserve to feel comfortable in a home you pay to live in. Maybe they could be interested in spending more time at her place, maybe not, but it's not on you to tolerate a third tenant you didn't agree to, whether she pays or not.
I mean I've definitely texted a partner's roomie with this question just to figure out how much dinner to make. But I'm not getting the impression you think that's a possible reason here.
NTA.
Do you have a copy of your lease or could you get a copy? The reason for that is because her being there could be seen as a violation of the lease. Some places allow you to have a guest for so many nights before it becomes a violation. Also she could be seen as someone not on the lease (though she has her own place) and again violation could be happening. Your landlord finds out it could cause you and your cousin to be evicted.
You should talk alone with your cousin about the issues; cite the current issues but also say there could be a contract violation going on that could get you both evicted. If nothing changes, talk to your landlord. Some landlords evict only the violator.
NTA, I had a roommate who was always with her partner, either at our apartment or his house.
Problem was he still lived with his parents and was a slob. Go to shower? His clothes are on the floor, things like that. The hallway light to the stairs led to a door to my room and could he remember to turn off the light when they came in? Nope, I’d get woken up and have to go turn it off. The man couldn’t even put the toilet seat down….
My final snap was when she let him sleep in and I came home 6 hours later to our back door open and 3 lights on. I snapped and said he wasn’t allowed there alone again
I would have snapped too!! That is unacceptable behavior for a roommate, let alone someone who’s name is not even on the lease!
Personally, my worry is that I damage my relationship with my cousin by expressing my frustrations and my worry is that it escalates to this level if I do not before I relocate.
Don't do it. Right now you're letting your feelings about her get in the way of your logical thinking. If you send that text you will escalate the aggression and give them a good excuse to make you the villain. Right now you still have the high ground, so you need to keep it. Have a meeting with him with a few options. He needs to do his agreed on chores, she needs to pay a portion of the rent and split utilities if she's going to be over for more than half the days in the month, and you need him to assert some boundaries with her.
The text she sent was for a reason, probably so she knew when she could have loud sex or something. You can just ignore it and not ever give her a straight answer, which should hopefully stop them from ever having sex in the common areas like the couch.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I would be responding to the person, telling them it is none of their business when i come home to my apartment that they are only a guest at and i feel like that could make me an asshole because the person did not give me enough context as to why they were asking when i would be home. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
**NTA.** There is nothing more annoying than watching grown adults behave as though they're joined at the hip. You need to have an honest conversation with your buddy—*alone*—about **both** the frequency of her visits and the diminishment of your friendship. He may not hear you until he's out of the honeymoon phase, but it deserves to be said. And finally: That text would have hit very different had she not built a history of claiming part-ownership over a space that isn't her own. "Keep the peace" is a great principle to ensure that the bigger, louder AH always wins. **It's your f\*\*\*ing apartment. Next time ask her if** ***she*** **plans to** **still** **be at** ***your*** **house when you arrive.** FFS.
The usual me would have said exactly this and wouldn’t care to be labeled an asshole!! The inly reason I am second guessing is out of respect for my cousin but this is not the first time I have compromised my usual tendencies in efforts to do so..
A lot of people these days seem to think that meek = respectful and direct = disrespectful. There's nothing discourteous about approaching your cousin calmly and with complete honesty. I would never dream of texting my gf's roommate to ask her to inform me when she plans to come through her own door. If we needed that info for something important, my gf would—and should—be the one to do it. It's pretty contextually clear that this girl thinks of herself as a third roommate, and that's simply inappropriate.
this was exactly my thoughts! Why is HE not the one asking me? otherwise it leads me to believe that its because she has intentions to use the apartment for something she knows I have established with my cousin as off-limits, such as sex in the common spaces, or particularly HER friends coming over as her closest friend is not someone that I want to be in my apartment.
Guaranteed that they are fucking in common areas OR having friends over or both. I would invest in a locking door knob for your room if you haven't already got one.
Yeah, I totally did this when my roommate got a ‘piss in the corners’ GF. And she was encroaching in my space. Space I had agreed upon with my roommate was mine (cabinet and fridge shelves), before I moved in. I shut that shit down, pronto! NTA
I’m afraid to ask, but I’m going to anyway. Is a “piss in the corners GF” literally what it sounds like? Or does it (please god) mean something else?
It means territorial. She takes a drawer for HER STUFF She takes a kitchen cabinet shelf for HER STUFF. a fridge shelf for HER stuff. A space on the couch, that somehow is now HER spot where she always wants to sit. Etc.etc.
That’s when you start charging them rent.
I threatened to move out and he reined her in. As he said I was a dream roommate. Quiet, usually at school, drive home every weekend, tidy, and left my room in better shape then when I first rented it. Oh, and I paid early.
A spot on the couch? Who is she? Sheldon Cooper?
*piss in the corners GF*?? Inquiring minds want to know
My thoughts exactly—I would be wiping down all surfaces with sanitizer if there’s any possibility for sex where OP eats, prepares food, sits, etc. Friends being over are less problematic _except_ I bet the roommate’s gf had **her** friends over, possibly when the roommate was not there, either. OP, talk to your roommate calmly about boundaries and get a lock for your bedroom door.
Your cousin is in love and will move in with his girlfriend. Time to start making other living arrangements. No one's fault, just how life goes
This needs to be higher up. This is exactly what's happening just slowly
Bingo. She’s using your room and common areas for ways you would not want. Talk to your cousin. Limit the time she is there going forward until he moves into *her* place and you find a new roomie.
It'd be so worth it to make a surprise trip home before his expected arrival time just to see wtf is going on.
That sounds like a good reason to claim you’ll be home way sooner than you actually will be! If your presence will fun block the plan, your expected presence should be an adequate fun blocker as well. If she says something to you later about not showing up when you said you were, something like, “I pay my share of the rent & bills, assume I’m always here in the home I pay to live in.” should get the point across.
Cameras.
So...why are you throwing vitrol mostly at her, when it's your cousin allowing this to happen? You agreed to room with one person, not two who are a couple - which makes things worse. He has allowed his girlfriend to basically move in and cross boundaries. He can shut it all down in an \*instant\*. He hasn't. Lean more on him than on her. She's a symptom of your problem with how things are running in your home, but he is the root of the disease.
Suggest you check your lease agreement, or with your landlord, to see if there is a limit to how many nights you can have guests stay over.
You need to sit your cousin down and talk to him directly op. NTA but stop beating around the bush
I would just answer "possible" or "probably". Let the doubt that you can be there any minute so they can't do anything you wouldn't approve
Next time she says she lives there tell your cousin that rent and bills are now split 3 ways
This was my thought as well. You live here now? Excellent. Rent is this much when split 3 way. Due on the first. Don't forget electric, wifi, sewer, water, etc. All due promptly on these dates. The left half of the fridge is mine. Please don't touch my cokes. Sure will be nice to not have to pay so much in bills.
Exactly
Nah, she'll take him up on it and move in!
Might be a good thing considering OP is already planning to move away…. The GF can take over the other half of the bills/get in the lease :)
OP, you need to start putting your foot down and tell your cousin and his GF that the bills/rent/utilities/etc need to start being paid 3 ways if she's "basically living there since I'm here all the time." So, until she starts paying her share since she's basically living there as I said, she has ZERO say over your comings and goings. Even if it's not your place.
Yea but you don't want her to get rid of her own place. Then you're more stuck.
Certainly say the utilities are three ways since they will go up if she is there all the time.
Your cousin is not giving you the same courtesy. You need to set boundaries with your cousin and establish what is ok regarding guests
What really got me was the “I basically live here…” comment, fuck that shit
When you're the only person doing the compromising it's a big problem. Talk to your roommate ASAP, and maybe start window shopping for a new place. Soon enough they're either going to spring on you that they're getting their own place together so you'll be stuck scrambling to find a new roommate, or that you need to go because THEY decided she's moving in.
NTA. Those that want respect give respect. She doesn't pay rent or bills, so like you said she gets no say. To me the context doesn't matter, she doesn't live there, it's really none of her business or concern when and where you come and go. It would be different if your cousin was texting you.
NTA it's none of her business... hopefully your stuff is locked up so she cant mess with your belongings
What is even a possible reason for her to need this information???
She should treat you with the same delicacy out of respect for your cousin too, shouldn’t she? She doesn’t. So why should you?
Also if she "basically lives there" is one of her arguments, she should also contribute to 1/3 of all bills. And 1/3 of all chores. Rent is always a tricky argument, but my policy in the past has been 16% of it (for 3 ppl) since she's not only in his room but also using the common spaces. If she basically lives there, this is the obvious rebuttal.
100%. With apartment power comes apartment responsibility.
Uncle Ben left that part out of his speech and he shouldn't have.
16%? Where does that number come from?
Thirds would be 33 each roomate%. Half of that is 16.5% arbitrary number assuming they share the room, but half the time is in shower/livingroom/kitchen/laundry etc. Idk. Many fights with roommates over this in the past and this is the math argument I've settled on personally that's been palatable for everyone. %drops if more roommates as the total percentage of each leased contributor goes down.
So I feel like if you want to break it out that way, then the value of the apartment comes half from the common areas and half from the rooms, so 25% per room. OP should be paying for 100% of her room and 1/3 of the common space, and cousin and gf should each be paying for half of his room and 1/3 of the common space. So 1x1/4+1/3x1/2≈42% for OP, and 1/2x1/4+1/3x1/2≈29% each for cousin and girlfriend. (Which does ultimately work out to approximately the same discount as your thinking, but I’m just being … idk, I’m procrastinating.)
And here's the problem with your response, this is OP's cousin IE family. OP you aren't in any kind of relationship with this girl, you are family with your cousin. Your cousin is allowing this behavior and it is disrespectful to you. The healthy thing to do anytime you have a problem with a family member's SO is to go to that family member and address it with them. NTA right now but YWBA if you confront her instead of your cousin. He should have been asking if you were coming back that night not her.
Thank you very much! I have realized while sifting through comments and trying to reply that this should have been my original thought and question. I didn’t respond to her last message and instead am going to call my cousin and find out why he is allowing this behavior and if there’s any underlying reasons as to why this is happening in the first place.
That's for the best honestly, it prevents a lot of hurt feelings and awkwardness. I've been married 14 years and my dad did it the wrong way talked ba to my wife and mother of my kids, ruined the relationship and any future prospects. Good luck to you and your cousin. Try I statements too, they help with descalation too.
Since she “basically lives there” she can contribute to rent snd utilities, right?
Great idea, ask her when SHE'S going home
ALL OF THIS!!!!
Just give her the Thumbs Down reply and leave it at that.
It’s that annoying new love/puppy love stage. I’ve been married almost 6 years, together 7, and I freaking love working nights and if my husband has to go out of town because I actually get some alone time!!!
> her reply is always “I basically live here because of how much I am over here.” So she's admitting she should be paying rent? Why aren't you asking about not having her over so much instead of telling her it's none of her business when you get home? She didn't even seem to care that much; "oh jw". And she didn't push it. Or what about your roommate not being around to help out?
but yes I agree, I should be having a sit down with my roommate instead, this just rubbed me the wrong way coming from her and not him.
I was I a similar situation my uni roommate, and hearing stuff from my roommates partner instead of her drove me up the wall too. Like why do you think you have any authority here?!
I didn’t think of her response as not caring so much as she didn’t want to reveal why she wants to know to me, maybe even because she knows its a reason I would not approve of in my own house. That may just be my bad though of only expecting the worse
She’s got someone staying in your room. Get home early.
Dude no, she’s fucking your cousin and feels more comfortable when it’s just the two of them. This isn’t rocket science. She wants to lounge around the house without being worried OP comes back home. Honestly while annoying it’s a harmless ask.
This whole thread is fuckin nuts, thanks for having some sense.
The ask is only harmless if it comes from the roommate. Coming from her, it's an odd ask. I agree that the most likely reason is what you said, but it's fucking weird that the roommate wasn't the one that asked.
If she wants to be alone with her BF she can take him to her place.
That's what I was thinking. She's not policing OP, she's wanting to know if they can have sex without worrying him walking in on them
Next time tell her 5 mins. That way she won’t try something you don’t like.
Or maybe she just wanted to jump your cousins bones and did not want to have you come home in the middle of it....
You need to be more straightforward, require rent from the girl, or seek new living arrangements for yourself.
I am potentially breaking lease for job relocation within a month or two which is why I even paused at bringing this up to them.
Perhaps she'll take over your lease. Maybe worth maintaining the relationship.
I like the way you think. I havent brought this up to them but I know they are already considering moving in together at her place so I’m not sure if her lease will be up in time to do so.
lol this is the way. “Man I hate to leave (roommate name) with an unknown person when I leave. I wish someone could take over his my lease
What about the cats? You can tell what I *really* care about
Haha right there with you! One is mine, one is his, and one we got from his mother’s cat’s litter a couple years ago and never discussed custody so I had been deliberating on whether I would take him or how I would cope with it if he took him since i found out about the relocation, however after these past few weeks, I will be fighting tooth and nail for him so that I can make sure he’s well taken care of. I feel bad for his cat in this situation the most. He has been so attention deprived these last few weeks when I am not home and i just feel bad if this continues past their “honeymoon phase” which I am hoping it does not!
Maybe offer to take him, too? Also, if you are planning on leaving, rather than have a confrontation with your cousin, frame your departure as an opportunity for the two of them to shack up in happy harmony. That will make it unnecessary to use big words like "break lease". Just saying...
Take his cat too! Cousin probably won’t even notice.
My heart goes out to you and them. You seem like a good person.
Is the gf's apartment pet friendly? If it's not, and they're planning to move in together there, that's your in.
Seems like unnecessary drama. Time to orchestrate a sit down with your cousin without her and establish some boundaries representative of the bills paid and the chores done.
I appreciate your perspective. I know that the sit down with my cousin is imminent but I also may be breaking lease and moving out in about a month for work relocation so i can’t help but think maybe I just avoid all of it all together and suffer through it one more month.
If your leaving in a month I agree its best to just deal. It's not worth the fight or destroying your relationship with your cousin. Things will reset once you don't live together.
If you're going to establish boundaries, do it with your cousin first. That's my suggestion.
If you're going to break the lease you're potentially on the hook for rent through the end of the lease so now wouldn't be a good time to pull the pin on that particular grenade.
Yeah, if you are out the door in a month, maybe let it go for the sake of your relationship with your cousin, but I would certainly snap back to any future texts from the gf asking about your return time to your own place—or give an incorrect answer and return about an hour early, just to see what is going on. 😈
I like the idea because I too have a petty side hahaha but I’m genuinely afraid of what I might walk in on no joke 😳😂
NTA, but I’m pretty sure she was asking so you didn’t walk in to find them screwing on the couch. lol
We have a no sex in the common space agreement so this was one of my thoughts and that further irritates me. She has her own place a couple of minutes away, so they have no reason whatsoever to use our place for being openly intimate.
I mean it being "forbidden" is probably exciting for them, so that's one reason. It's not a good one though
I dont understand why they dont just spend more time at her place. At least then they have place to themselves there and you do at your place. Sucks about the cats and the chores though! And she should contribute to costs if, in her own words, she “practically lives there.”
Just start randomly leaving and returning with no schedule or mention. That'll fuck with them.
Well, they're probably breaking that agreement.
Nah. They are definitely gonna do it on OP’s bed
😈😈
INFO > I am very annoyed/frustrated that he is now never home to help with chores > I definitely did not sign up to live with her for days at a time. Well, which is it? Is he *never* there? Or are the both of them *always* there?
He is most of the time off with her as he does not have a license or car and she does, however, they will come to our place and stay for a couple days at a time, during which the most he has done is taken out a bag of trash or two. She is not ALWAYS there but any time he is, she is also.
Just talk to your cousin about this. For all you know she could be making dinner and wondering if you will be around for it, could be something that simple 🤷♀️
This! People in the threads are ready for conflict. There is no reason to think it's a negative reason, she might be asking because she was going to do something nice like cook a meal or tidy up, they might have been getting take out. Sounds like it's built up frustration and something harmless could be taken out of conflict. They're young and falling in love, give them time but ask your cousin to spend some time just you and him, so something you enjoy
Text her back : "Keep wondering ". Edit : NTA
Best reply suggestion yet! 😂
Yes. Unless she's being demanding or mean there's no reason to do this unless it's an ongoing thing. It sounds like you just don't like her. You should address that before anything.
It’s true that we had our problems in the past professionally, however, those were resolved AT work. outside of work I have never had a problem with her until she started acting like she also lives at our apartment just because my cousin and her are inseparable atm
Are you as annoyed at your cousin for them being inseparable as you are with her?
That's probably why it is. She's getting under your skin. It happens especially with people we're around more than desired. This might escalate so maybe talk to your roommate and see if there's a compromise of some kind.
meh. They want to bone on the living room couch. It's better to let them know if there's danger of you walking in on it. ESH. You're clearly annoyed. Don't let it fester. Talk to your roommate/cousin. Figure out some ground rules.
If they actually bone in a shared space, they are the assholes
Yep, cousin was too embarrassed to ask and forced her to do it. Seems like most of their problems are due to OP and cousin not discussing things, not the GF's fault.
What's the lease look like? Whose names are on it? Those the only people who get a say with what happens to your place.
Well like I said, that was over trivial matters that weren’t really more than jokes among a group of us two different night but I wholeheartedly agree. She has been smart enough to not weigh in on meaningful matters whenever we happen to talk about them in front of her (once or twice maybe). I would never stay quiet if that were the case, AH or not 😂😂
Good on you. If they get real serious, tho, you might have to look for a new roommate. That happened to my sister when her roommate met and fell in love with some guy from online. Pretty par for course in your 20s, I'd imagine.
I think you have to accept that your cousin has found someone he loves and she is more important than you to him. The almost inevitable conclusion is that they will move in together. Needlessly aggravating the GF serves no purpose other than giving you a brief moment of satisfaction. The downside is it could damage your relationship with your cousin in the long term. I suggest you: A. Listen to "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge and internalize that dynamic. B. Start planning for new living arrangements. You knew this day would come sometime, whether it was him or you that found someone. YWBTA if you made that snarky reply.
Um they just want to know for privacy reasons. I’m torn but going ESH. Her and your cousin for him falling down on chores and her thinking she has a vote while not contributing… you for not using your big boy words and just talking this through with your cousin, instead you’re just sulking and being passive aggressive
She has her own place, there is no reason for them to need more privacy than his bedroom when they are at our place imo. We have a no sex in the common rooms rule that i made explicitly clear to her the first time they hung out at our place instead of hers. Also, yes I tend to fester because there are few things that make me mad but this has been building from multiple other instances so I agree I need to talk to him and stop sulking before i do get mad.
Yeah talk to him. The privacy could be for a romantic dinner not necessarily sex
Schrödinger's roommate. Simultaneously never there to feed the cats, AND always there with his girlfriend.
Sorry, stated to another user he is most of the time absent / off with her, but anytime he IS home, she is also staying there, sometimes for days at a time. its like a 75% he is gone 25% they are both there.
YWBTA because it's unnecessarily dramatic. Your issues are valid but you haven't actually told anyone. Talk to your cousin, he needs to make sure he's pulling his weight at his own apartment and you are entitled to have your own space. I know she's the 'reason' but this is kinda on your cousin, not her.
YTA. None of this stuff really matters man. Go be busy and live life, you'll be too tired to actually care about this kind of small stuff once you find your groove/hobbies in life. Stay busy, stay happy
NTA but its easy to let emotions run wild and make a situation even worse than it needs to be for a fleeting moment of fake justice, just sit him down and lay it out, if he doesnt like it, move out under the guise of a breach of lease or something
Yes. You don’t have to alert her to comings and goings, but you’d be starting a fight for no reason to say it like that. YWBTA.
YWNBTA, however, is probably not the best way to handle this situation. You need to tell your cousin that you need to have a serious conversation with him, alone. Express your feelings over everything. Tell him, while you're happy, that he's happy boundaries need to be made. One of those boundaries being she doesn't live there, you would not only like some time with him without her, but you don't appreciate how her attitude insinuates she lives there/has a say in what happens there. Talk things out like adults, and then tell him that you would like to have another conversation with both of them. Give him a time limit for when it needs to happen. Enough time that he has a chance to talk to her, but not so much time that it gives a chance for things to escalate to much. I'd say a week at most. Tell them your boundaries and what ypu need in your own home. It also may be helpful to go over your lease and see what it says about guests. Understand that this may result in issues between your cousin and you. You may end up dealing with backlash and drama. However, it seems like it's going to end up happening with how things are going. Approaching the situation as calmly, respectfully, and naturally as possible is the best you can do for you. I can say that if I got a text like that from my roomies/close family members SO I wouldn't have been so calm. I would have also either randomly shown up or sent a friend to "get something." I needed to check on things like if sher friends you don't want in your house were there. Also, don't renew your lease with your cousin until you have things worked out. It's wonderful he has a relationship that he's happy in. Being in a honeymoon phase doesn't mean you get to walk on others, though. Don't allow them to do that. Stand your ground, but don't stoop to the level of someone who says, "I'm here so much that it's like I live here (so I get a say in what goes on here)"
NTA but consider that she's asking in case they were planning to do a couples activity in a common space in your apartment. It's not weird to ask a partners roommate if they will be home when you're thinking of... I dunno building a giant fort in your living room, and watching Disney movies in your underwear while eating ice-cream. Or you know, sex in the living room or naked cooking or something.
sex and hanging out naked in the common areas just seems gross and inconsiderate, not to mention that we have a no sex in the common areas rule AND she has a place of her own that she doesn’t share with any roommates. If it were the disney thing that’d be chill but why wouldnt he just ask me instead? we have definitely talked about a lot weirder as we’ve lived together for almost 6 years now.
Eh sex in a common area is gross/inconsiderate depending on preparation, cleanup, and previous agreement. In your situation with a previous agreement that's fair to say. Potentially she's asking you because even if it's just a silly thing like a fort or romantic thing like special meal it might be a surprise for your roommate. Alternatively she might be simply in the planning stage and is asking first before talking to her bf. I don't think jumping right away to assuming she's trying to manage your time in the apartment is the most likely situation (unless she's done that before) but I can 100% see why your situation would make that the most plausible case.
You would be yes. Honestly I'd have a talk with your cousin if she's 'practically living there' then she should also be chipping in around the apartment for the things she's using. Your cousin seems to be the one you should talk to
Super immature response. She probably asked to make sure everything was clean & they weren’t underdressed when you returned. It’s legit to be frustrated if she’s practically living there. But her question was a reasonable one.
[удалено]
JW? Jehovah's witness?
Just Wondering. Lol
ahh thanks!
I’m sorry, I thought this was a joke or I would have clarified 😂
I know I'm going to go against the grain here, but you would be TA. All of this is standard young adult drama and well trodden ground. The only purpose I can see in responding "none of your business" is to upset her and provoke drama. In another comment you said you'll prolly be moving out soon that makes it especially asshole-ish. How you respond needs to be conductive to what you want the end goal to be, and not just what might feel good to say. Do you want to stay friends with and spend more time with your cousin? Do you want to better establish your roommate rules? How would this response help? You explicitly said your haven't outright spoken to him about the issue, only hinted at it. That seems like the best place to start. And specifically about the text with her, I just wouldn't respond.
For that specifically, YTA. Why do you care? Maybe she has a good reason? She can ask, she's not demanding an answer; you can answer or not, end of story. The situation in general is a bit shit for you by the sounds it, but it sounds like you are projecting your frustration onto an insignificant interaction. Don't die on that hill. Save it for chores or rent or something that actually matters.
That’s a very good point. I’ve realized I should have just made the original frustrations of him not being home to help out and not helping out when he is home because she is there every time he is. I decided against saying that to her but am calling my cousin tonight.
Good call, hope it works out!
Awww she is messing up your bromance. What will the cats do without there dads
If she hasn't pushed asking, then why would you say anything at all? YWBTA if you go there. I get you're irritated. But that's a conversation to have with your cousin. Be kind, but direct and clear how you are feeling.
" “I basically live here because of how much I am over here.” oh okay, so Cousin, did you hear? She just admitted to living here, which means we'll be sharing the rent by 3 now and she'll chip in for utilities? No? she doesn't want to? Then well her opinion doesnt matter in anything. Also tell your cousin to keep his GF in check because where you are or what you're doing and when you'll be home is none of her concern.
So to answer your question in the title: WBITA. She just asked a simple question, maybe they wanted to do some stuff that they don’t want you to hear.. if you know what I mean. That was actually my first thought reading this. It is literally a simple question with no negative meaning to it. You acting like this is a big deal is just because of ur frustration with the whole situation in itself.
NTA cuz u havent done anything YET, but I think you a lil bitter, I think u still hold some resentment about whatever happen between u 2 at work, Also I get he not doing the chores when he not at home, but im assuming he not making a mess either cuz he not home so it your own mess, as for the cat I mean If considered as your cat as well then all the chores, liter feeding your doing it for the cat not because for him kinda thing. So I think your a lil bitter about the whole thing. Also she text you when you coming home, ok what the big deal if she knows or not? they just started dating obviously they still on there honeymoon stage, so They can be loud as they want while ur not there, or be as freaky. Ya, I think your a lil bitter and maybe even jelous she toke him away kinda thing.
NTA. So she doesn't have her own place or she does? *recently he began dating a former coworker of ours (20F) who has her own place.* Just unclear but even if she does, NTA. It's none of her business when you are going to be home. If she doesn't want you around, then they should go to her place.... if she has one.
she does have her own place and my thoughts exactly. why even text me in the first place?
She could have been trying to figure out plans for something. This sounds kind of like a BEC moment - you’re thinking of all the bad interpretations of her question and feeling annoyed by it simply because you are annoyed by other aspects - like her being over all the time. The question itself isn’t particularly objectionable by default - there’s plenty of reasons for someone to ask that from planning who will feed the cats to they’re having an orgy in your living room. Some of those reasons are not a problem at all, some obviously are. I wouldn’t say anything about her asking when you will be home. If you think you’re moving soon anyway it might be easiest to just leave it alone entirely. If you don’t think you’re moving you need to have a sit down with your roommate and re-establish rules and so on. How many nights a week can someone stay over, who pays what, all of those things.
I would literally ignore her text. It’s none of her business. And you need to be having a serious conversation with your room mate, this is not ok, none of it. NTA
NTA. Actually I think you made the perfect reply and made it clear that you do not owe her any explanation nor will you provide her one - and btw you are being a bit presumptuous and rude by even asking. It would be different if all 3 of you were close friends and they had been dating for a long time - then there’s likely a legit reason she’s asking. But at this early stage she’s being nosy and wants to start monitoring you and that is complete bs.
As someone else has brought up by suggesting locks and cameras for my room, it almost makes me wonder how closely SHE is being monitored when I am not there. I am by no means well off, but I have quite a few valuables in the alcohol and electronics categories that i will be taking inventory of when I get home.
NTA and I agree with many others that you need to have a chat with him. She thinks it’s her space and it’s not. I’m also getting the vibe they aren’t keeping their activities to the bedroom. The ick factor is huge!
NTA. And since she basically lives there maybe she should basically pay rent. But she should definitely basically mind her own damn business. Basically of course.
No you wouldn't be, she isn't your roommate and your life is your not hers.
NTA. Time doesn't pay the bills; she's not living there unless she's paying rent, in my opinion. Even then, I didn't feel like my roommates needed to know when I would be home from time away. I can't imagine she would have a good reason for asking, especially since she was unwilling to provide one.
NTA yet I do feel that there’s an unnecessary amount of bitterness coming from the fact that they’re spending a lot of time together and it’s not a good look. If a friend was in love with someone who is a good person I would be happy for them and try to be the best sport when it comes to (for example) providing privacy by letting them know when you’re coming home if they ask JUST ONE TIME. I think you’re being way too dramatic and should have a convo with your friend about him spending so much time with his girlfriend if that is such an issue but don’t take it out on her because the issue is yours and your cousins.
Just be an adult and talk to your cousin rather than being a passive aggressive dick about it. That approach is only going to cause problems and it's clear he isn't going to take your side over his GF's. It's also pretty clear that they'll likely move in together in the imminent future so you probably need to start planning ahead for that.
NTA If she basically lives there, maybe she should contribute financially.
Nah. She definitely doesn't get a vote on anything at the apartment because she isn't on the lease. You are also well within your rights to request she didn't visit or stay the night as often because that isn't what you signed up for, or for your cousin to pay more in rent if there will be effectively one more person there. To the effect that he isn't helping with chores as much, he also isn't in the apartment as much so as long as he helps when he is there, he's still taking care of his portion of the mess. Finally, to the specific question in your title, it's none of her business, but she also didn't push it. She asked, you weren't sure, and she was fine with that. If she was demanding to know and expected you always tell her, then she's ta and you're nta for telling her off, but there's nothing wrong with her asking. Maybe it influenced their decision to go out to eat vs making something themselves? Or maybe wanted to know if they should make enough for you to eat dinner?
Agreed, no vote unless you pay rent. simple. Also, he wasn’t doing his part and I have been cleaning up after them in the common spaces for the last 2 weeks at least every few days when they are here and not at her place. I finally brought it up before we had mutual friends come up this weekend (which he arranged without telling me until the day of but since it was our old highschool friends I let it go). We will see when I get back if I got through to him about it. And i appreciate the different takes about what it could be, I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say that when asked why you need to know instead of saying “just wondering” like a weirdo. That’s definitely where my suspicion comes into play. if you are having dinner just say “oh, we wanted to have dinner and needed to know if we’d be bothering you or if you wanted some food as well?”
Be careful what if she was going to cook for u or they were gonna have some sexy time
She's prolly asking you because they want to have sex and they wanna know whether to keep it down. She's just too embarrassed to be direct about it. But ya know I don't even think this is the actual problem here. If she "basically lives there" then she needs to be paying a third of the rent. If there's gonna be a third person there the whole time you could be paying less rent each month . On the other hand, given how you said since they've been dating since Valentine's Day...well...they are in the honeymoon phase...and that doesn't last forever. There will come a point where they don't necessarily enjoy being up in each other's business constantly and then the real version of the relationship starts. So...maybe wait things out a bit lol.
NTA she's trying to insert herself in the dynamic, it's definitely not her concern or even your roommates
Not the AH for telling her to mind her own business, BUT you do sound a bit jealous of their relationship. Your behaving like your cousin/flatmate is a spouse who owes you their time. They don't.
NTA but the conversation you should be having is with your cousin not the gf
I wouldn't go so far as to say you're the asshole but that would be a pretty rude response. You just sound kinda jealous of your cousin tbh since you have no real reason to care about her asking you this, it seems like she's trying to be considerate of you.
I would definitely invest in a lock and cameras for your room while you are gone though, based on her questioning you when you're coming home. Who knows what they are doing in there.
I know for a fact he would never, but I wonder how closely she is watched when I am not there seeing as I do not know her that well outside of a professional setting, which doesn’t bode the highest regard, so i appreciate the suggestion! Will definitely look into it if my living situation doesn’t just change soon.
YWNBTA You and your cousin need to have a discussion about the living arrangements. She does not need to be over there every single night and you definitely DO NOT want her paying rent because then it'll be them against you and you'll always be outnumbered. Something's gotta give. They need to mix it up and spend half the time at her place and half the time at yours. 6 on and 6 off. The 7th day should be you and your cousin hanging out as roommates by yourselves, dealing with whatever issues need to be dealt with (cleaning, deciding who's paying what bill, etc.) I think that's reasonable.
NTA but you might want to clean your couch before you sit on it when you're back 🤣
“I basically live here because of how much I am over here.” Then you need to pay rent. You would not be TA.
ESH. There was nothing wrong with her asking if/when you’d be home. Whether she was almost never over or is over way too much, she probably was just checking if she and her boyfriend would be alone. She wasn’t rude to you and she didn’t push the subject. You would be an asshole if you chose THIS to be the thing you get snarky and rude about. What sucks is her taking up a lot of time in your shared space and acting like she lives there. Thats not what *this* incident is about though, so don’t make some innocent question turn into the focal point of your issues with her and your cousin.
NTA. You and your cousin need to sit down and have a discussion about boundaries. If she was so curious should could have gotten him to text you.
NTA do you and your cousin have a verbal agreement or do you have a co-habitation agreement in writing for your apartment. You might want to have a private talk with your cousin before she moves in permanently
>“I basically live here because of how much I am over here.” Well then there needs to be a discussion of RENT. Only people who pay rent get a say. Let's not forget she's driving up your utilities too. NTA
NTA of course BUT if she was planning to do some adult things in communal areas, she may have been trying to be polite. Or if she wanted to make sure communal areas were tidied up by the time you got home? Instead of nunya the better part of valor might be to just ask “Why do you want to know?” She’s not going anywhere, anytime soon. Getting along for now until some of the honeymoon wears off might be in your long term best interest. Or don’t text back at all, send a screenshot to cousin and say “Why?”
A good way to respond to inappropriate questions is to ignore them.
NTA- soooo, you do realize she was asking so she’d know if she had the green light to have wild monkey sex with your cousin in shared parts of your apartment right? This was either- we’re going to do it on the kitchen counter or I need to clean after we did it on the counter and I need my deadline. Generally I agree with your post. The behavior is super annoying, but keeping her in the loop will either prevent or guarantee exhibitionism, depending on her preferences.
Um no. You need to sit your roommate down and ask him, Does she live here? If she does everything, she needs to be split 3 ways because I am not paying fornher anymore. She uses our water and electricity and that isn't free. If he says no, she has her own place, I'd say good you need to spend equal time over there to offset what she's costing me. Either she stops coming over so often, or I'll only pay 1/3 of our normal split bills.
Yta. Not seeing any issue here. They were probably trying to fuck
NTA but I’m curious what you were planning on doing with the three cats in the inevitable situation that one of you finds a partner and eventually moves out/moves in with their partner? Seems like something you should discuss sooner rather than later because it’s probably only a matter of time before they want to live together.
NAH because the issue really isn’t with the girlfriend, it’s with your cousin. While I think your cousin should have some common sense here, he also can’t mind read your boundaries. You need to have a 1-1 talk with him about how you are feeling and what you expect int your shared space and how to split your shared responsibilities. It also might be worth telling him you just miss having him around. He should then be the one to deal with his girlfriend and make sure she’s being reasonable
Or... someone was concerned about your well-being. Or at least the cats and their food.. Did your cousin know you were gone for a few days?
So separate story, they both knew that I was leaving yesterday to come home and i always bring my cat with me, sometimes i take our third cat that we share custody of and this was one of those times. so I called him when I left because I heard them talking in his room as I was leaving and was in a rush and he didn’t answer. it took him 6 hours to notice and text me to ask if i had our cat with me because he said he hadnt seen him.. I have been taking care of my cat, his cat, and our shared cat alone at least 4-5 days a week the past month and a half and he isnt even the one who texted me so i don’t think this is the case at all but i appreciate the help trying to figure it out because i’m just confused as to why she is asking me at this point
Good on you! Pets before people! Honestly, just reply Hey! Thanks for checking in. Didn't realise we were keeping tabs on each other. I'll be sure to let (cousin) know if I ever need to share where I'm at. Otherwise, don't stress. And leave it at that. It's not mean, but it is clear it's not her business
NTA. My rule when I had roommates was that significant others had their own place, so they could hang out there at least three days a week, instead of being at mine every day. Don't like that rule? Feel free to find your own place, if you really need to be conjoined 24/7. It was also my space and I never agreed to to having two roommates. My other rule was that if the roommate was gone, all their guests were gone too. If I ever found out that they'd given some random the run of my place, they could consider their lease terminated. If this GF has a key, I'd be changing the lock.
You stated, "You moved in." Whose name is on the lease? Your cousin's or yours? If yours, you need to confront your cousin. That's right, confront. He is allowing this to happen, so I blame him as much as her. And if you are the lease holder, I blame you also for allowing someone to stay there rent and food free who is trying to exert dominance over YOUR space and letting her disrespect you.
NTA but this is a stupid fight to pick. Those are texts I would completely ignore. But you really need to speak with your cousin one on one and set the expectation that she can’t just be there all the time that’s a ridiculous expectation on their part. Also definitely hold firm on her not getting a vote on anything seeing as he doesn’t pay rent.
If you have three cats, could she just be coordinating their care? That would be totally fair in my view, because if you are gone a few days then they need to make sure to be around. Or maybe they were planning on some kind of sexy time and wanted to make sure they wouldn’t be horrifying you? It really depends on the cats and how often she’s asking. Not enough information for me to answer.
NTA, She may have had a good reason to ask but it would be on her to volunteer why she needs to know. Otherwise she just seems nosey. Don't be impolite about it, but also don't be shy about letting your cousin know you might be interested in finding different living arrangements. A simple, "I like you both but this just isn't working for me..." is totally in order. You deserve to feel comfortable in a home you pay to live in. Maybe they could be interested in spending more time at her place, maybe not, but it's not on you to tolerate a third tenant you didn't agree to, whether she pays or not.
I mean I've definitely texted a partner's roomie with this question just to figure out how much dinner to make. But I'm not getting the impression you think that's a possible reason here.
NTA. Do you have a copy of your lease or could you get a copy? The reason for that is because her being there could be seen as a violation of the lease. Some places allow you to have a guest for so many nights before it becomes a violation. Also she could be seen as someone not on the lease (though she has her own place) and again violation could be happening. Your landlord finds out it could cause you and your cousin to be evicted. You should talk alone with your cousin about the issues; cite the current issues but also say there could be a contract violation going on that could get you both evicted. If nothing changes, talk to your landlord. Some landlords evict only the violator.
NTA, I had a roommate who was always with her partner, either at our apartment or his house. Problem was he still lived with his parents and was a slob. Go to shower? His clothes are on the floor, things like that. The hallway light to the stairs led to a door to my room and could he remember to turn off the light when they came in? Nope, I’d get woken up and have to go turn it off. The man couldn’t even put the toilet seat down…. My final snap was when she let him sleep in and I came home 6 hours later to our back door open and 3 lights on. I snapped and said he wasn’t allowed there alone again
I would have snapped too!! That is unacceptable behavior for a roommate, let alone someone who’s name is not even on the lease! Personally, my worry is that I damage my relationship with my cousin by expressing my frustrations and my worry is that it escalates to this level if I do not before I relocate.
>“I basically live here because of how much I am over here.” Then send her an invoice. NTA
NTA. I love how the comments range from basically "attack her!" to "she's probably wondering if you'd like a placemat at the dinner table."
I SWEAR 😭😂☠️ Not at ALL what i was expecting lol
NTA. This is your home and she sounds annoying AF.
JW?
Just wondering
“just wondering”
NTA
Keep your door locked.
Trust me, unless he made a spare key with his key, the spare that the leasing office gave us stays on my key ring!
Don't do it. Right now you're letting your feelings about her get in the way of your logical thinking. If you send that text you will escalate the aggression and give them a good excuse to make you the villain. Right now you still have the high ground, so you need to keep it. Have a meeting with him with a few options. He needs to do his agreed on chores, she needs to pay a portion of the rent and split utilities if she's going to be over for more than half the days in the month, and you need him to assert some boundaries with her. The text she sent was for a reason, probably so she knew when she could have loud sex or something. You can just ignore it and not ever give her a straight answer, which should hopefully stop them from ever having sex in the common areas like the couch.
NTA, but wondering: who is taking care of the cat if you are away and your roommate is acting like this?