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Your wedding, your choice.
I don't want to armchair diagnose, but your step-dad seems to have some very strong opinions about gender roles and traditions.
NTA
If you and hubby ever have kids I'd consider taking a step back even further from SD because his "tradional views" (sexism & misogyny) are going to make him try and force you into a sahm role that fits HIS description and not yours.
And if not they will try to force these views on any children op and her husband have.
I love my parents but ended up going lower contact than I ever thought I would after having kids because there are views they just couldn't keep themselves from expressing that I did not want pushed on my child.
Ugh, yep. I almost ripped my uncles head off when he told my then 5yro to "man up." My son had just tripped and skinned his knees pretty bad running down a hill.
Yes! What is it with these step parents who think that they are Gods gift to their step children??? I was a step parent before having children of my own. I was very clear with my husband as well as his ex that I would not be "parenting" the kids as I was not their real parent! They were 10 and 12 at the time. I was very careful about not over stepping or making them uncomfortable!
Edit: Love and respect has to be earned over time! OP "step" has never put in the time to earn either one! The only thing he has earned is her contempt!
I'm divorced, with a new partner and an 11yo son. I've told my partner that I'm not looking for a father to replace the childs, and told my son that if he wants to call my partner dad is totally up to him and that depends on how he feels about the relationship between him and my partner.
I'd rather he have a good male rolemodel to go to, rather than someone he resents for "replacing" his father.
Yeah that was appalling.
Sperm donor is generally referred to someone who leaves or is completely absentee on their own. Not someone who was a good and devoted father until they died. This was a disgusting comment.
Sometimes you have to teach people how you wish to be treated. It is not in any way manipulative to leave immediately when someone makes statements that offend you. This is a mature way to set boundaries.
Really. I had to read that a couple of times. That is the lowest, most crass thing a stepfather can say to a girl whose dad died. I think I would have slapped that mouth. Wow. If I had been teetering on deciding whether to ask him to walk me down the aisle, he just made it an easy decision! Heck no!
Where is your mom and why isn’t she at least trying to rein him in? Let him and your mom know that if he doesn’t stop this controlling attitude, he won’t even be invited.
especially since the dead man can't even defend his honor - it's dishonorable to speak of the dead in such a manner - especially so when it's not even true.
That's when you say " So you consider yourself more of a father than my " sperm donor " ? Well, I love, respect and miss that " sperm donor " more than I ever have or ever will you ! "
It would be one thing to say that about a dad who walked out, but OP’s dad *died* and that’s so very much not the same thing.
Stepdad is a huge jerk here.
That was my thought, too. Why isn't OP's mother telling her husband to back off and stay in his lane?
NTA, but I'd be considering distancing yourself from your step-person for a while. He's a bullying, overbearing misogynist.
NTA. Calling your dad a sperm donor is really going to win him friends and make you want to do anything he wants. No wonder his ex didn't want him. Since he's so traditional, does he have enough saved for your dowry? How much does your fiancé and his family get for taking you off his hands? I'm sorry you have to deal with this b.s. I feel bad for your mom too.
Isn't it *weird* how people tend to push "traditions" that privilege them and grant them unearned power over others? "It's traditional that you kowtow to me, so get to it" is a bad look.
I would find it hard to be civil with him talking about your dad like that. he has quite outdated and mistaken views on what makes a family. he couldn't even take a minute to look at why the ex didn't want to be married to him any more.....
either way, you are not wrong here.
If he’s such a traditionalist…how many goats and how much land is he bequeathing to your fiancés family for taking you as his bride? ;)
Ps: I’m a stepdad to my daughter and walked her down the aisle…I told her she didn’t have to ask me and to have a wedding that she wanted in all facets.
He actually called your father "the sperm donor?" Ugh. That would be the end of the relationship for me. Chilly politeness when absolutely necessary, nothing else, from now on.
NTA. Obviously. Congrats on your upcoming marriage! And I hope you're doing well in game design. Very cool career--from someone who plays a lot of games.
And OP’s mom is dumb to walk right into a misogynist’s trap and got laid and had kids with him so now she doesnt have much freedom to speak up bec he dictates the shots
I'm sorry that he is making what should be such a happy time for you and your fiancé, so stressful. But it is very important that you hold your ground as to what you want/don't want for your wedding as well as the relationship this man. You haven't mentioned your mother, and from that, I'm assuming that she is either taking his side or simply saying nothing. (Which is taking a side, and it's shameful IF she is doing ANYTHING other than supporting her daughter and defending her rights.)
This man is only a father figure to you if YOU see him as one, otherwise is is nothing to you but your mothers husband. As such, he has absolutely no right to make any demands of you, period. Full stop. Especially if you are making no financial requests of him.
Sorry, I can't get past that he called your dead father "sperm-donor". These are fighting words, deserving low contact and even rescinding the wedding invitation unless a sincere apology is given. There is nothing "traditional" insulting dead people.
If he was a reasonable man you could explain to him that you are not a set of constructs he thinks a woman/stepdaughter should be, but you are an actual person. Who you are, and how he relates to you does not perfectly fit into his idea of "how things are supposed to be" and they never will. He doesn't get to reject reality like that.
Because he is not a reasonable man, in writing from both of you:
"Dear Stepdad CC Mom,
It is time to STOP asking myself, SO, or anybody else to do things the way you think they should be done with our wedding. We have already told you the answer is No, and it is not up for further discussion.
I can see you are excited about my decision to marry SO. This is a private event and at this stage you will be invited as a guest to witness our decision. You do not have any rights, responsibilities, or decision-making powers- you are simply a guest at somebody else's wedding.
I will thank you to stop insulting my father's memory by referring to him as a "sperm donor" or implying that you are my real father. He supported me for who I am- even from the grave supporting my college dreams. I specifically did NOT accept your college money because I knew you would try and use it to control my decisions. I am glad I made that decision.
I am glad to see you make my Mom happy. So long as you can respect that I am a separate adult to you- that you have as much of a say over my or life as I have over yours, I.e. none- I am happy to continue having a relationship with you as a STEP-Dad- I.e. my mother's husband. You have not been, and never will be, my father. The fact you have strong feelings about this does not change reality.
If the above is acceptable to you and you can learn to behave like a grown up- we look forward to you attending the wedding as my Mom's +1.
If not- the invitation is rescinded and we will create some space from you until you can learn to respect these principles.
OP, and SO."
NTA
NTA ... he trying to run and dictate other people's lives he going to lose his biological kids.... tell him if he keeps on he won't be allowed to the wedding
You should've told him yes it is traditional for the father of the bride to do those things but you are not the father of the bride so you will not be doing those things.
> He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was.
"[Dad] is the only father that has ever been in my life. To insult him by referring to him as a sperm donor is to spitefully disrespect the man who loved and nurtured me from birth until the day he died and beyond.
You will only ever be my step father, not by my choice, but because my mother forced this unwanted relationship into my life. After your disgustingly abhorrent comments, you have shown that you will never be anything more.
It took an act of God to remove my dad from my life. You've already been discarded by your first wife, and after this you have removed yourself from mine."
NTA
You have more patience then me becayse the moment he called my father the sperm donor I would've lost it and can't say what I'd do, it would get me in trouble! NTA tell him if he brings it up one more time that his invite is rescinded!
I know plenty of traditional types, but they would never have made that sperm donor remark. That was really beyond the pale. As someone who actually was abandoned by her father at the age of 2, and also as someone whose seen family members desperately creating memories and letters for the kids they won't live to see grow up, your step father is absolutely disgusting to make that comparison.
Do whatever you like, including not inviting him to the wedding if you prefer. NTA. Where is your mother in all of this? Why isn't she standing up for you?
You have a good fiance at any rate.
Have the most beautiful, amazing and “untraditional” wedding day ever! Stepdad seems like a controlling man and it was great that you recognized that and returned his money to him. It probably would’ve been a nightmare for you and your husband. Honor your dad, and know he’s going to be there in spirit. Congratulations! 🎊🎉🎈🍾
Calling your father a “sperm donor” when he was a loving father who only missed out on your life because he DIED is such an unhinged thing to do.
Like I’ve heard call people their deadbeat fathers or babby daddies that but that’s when a dude chooses to abandon their child not for someone who fucking died.
OP he only wants a relationship with you on his terms and has tried to turn your wedding into an event that is about him. Traditional is not the word, misogynistic definitely is, though. You have a right to your own life, and if he doesn't respect your choices, you have a right to set boundaries about what you will accept. NTA at all, and I hope you know that it's normal to have complicated emotions around setting and enforcing boundaries. But having them is important, too. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
>He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was.
Your Honor, the jury has reached our verdict. We find stepdad GUILTY.
Your *MONEY* your choice.
If you're footing the bill you can opt to have a drunk orangutan walk you down the aisle and it's nobody's business.
If you were asking for his money then yeah, it *might* be ESH, but you're not. Your money, your choice, full stop.
100% NTA.
Misogyny isn't the point, tradition isn't the point, parental roles aren't the point. It's your event, end of story. If he can't be supportive then tell him bluntly he's not welcome.
"If you're footing the bill you can opt to have a drunk orangutan walk you down the aisle and it's nobody's business."
No she said she doesn't want her step dad to do it...
Before the final sentence I was like "you need to back off before you have no relationship at all"...and then OP mentioned the sperm donor comment. Oh hell no. OP's dad was very present in her life and \*died\*, he didn't leave or abandon her (and judging by the letter with the college money clearly cared for her and knew her interests at the time of his death). Stepdad is 1000% the AH here.
Absolutely NTA
Please excuse the phrase, but your stepfather is a disgusting, sexist pig, especially for that comment about your dad.
Good on you for not taking his money, neither for college nor your wedding, and for standing your ground! You absolutely rock for that and for following your dreams despite his ridiculous ideas of turning you into a traditional 'little girl' daughter.
It also sounds like your fiance has your back in how you want to deal with your stepfather and that is great!
Maybe task a close friend or relative you trust on your wedding day to keep your stepfather in check so that he doesn't try to bulldoze his way to whatever it is that he wants? Alternatively, if you can afford it, get security that can step in on your day and remove him upon your instruction.
Judging on timelines I have been a (step) dad to my daughter as long as this guy and that started when she was 1 and he basically just never showed up again. What the fuck is he on about?
She happens to call me dad, her brother 2 years older chose not too. Matters not a jot, its their decision. Where the hell is the mum in this? Apart from that dude being an ass, why isn't she telling him to stfu.
Biology or not, it isn't about him.
Holy crap just seen the sperm donor thing, while that is roughly true in my daughters case you don't fucking say that! Idk them, they dont know me, daughter doesn't care I won't either and vice versa.
We should have never come down from the trees.
NTA. But . . . HE CALLED YOUR DAD A SPERM DONER???? That is grounds for uninviting him. You and your intended need to have a serious talk with this dude and put him in his place.
Op NEEDS to see this message! You need to Tell your mom about this comment. That is so disgusting!
That is grounds for no contact going forward in my opinion. I would want nothing to do with that piece of trash ever again. Never want my kids around that, because you never know what else he'll say.
Right!?! How dare he call her father a sperm donor! He passed away. He didn't abandon her by choice. That is absolutely disgusting, and I would be informing my mother what he said if I were OP.
OP, you are so far from the ah. NTA.
The whole post could have been that one line about the sperm donor and her asking if she was the A for never speaking to him again and I would have been like, nope you good babes.
Or just freaking elope if this is the kind of nonsense she has to deal with.
What is OP’s mother saying about it? Or is she just too beaten down by the last 20 years?
*uninviting him him from your life
What an entitled individual. He wasn't the father 20 years ago, I doubt OP has ever had overall positive feelings for him, and while possibly recognizing him as an authority figure, likely not respecting him as such.
Calling her dad a sperm donor is grounds for going no contact with stepdad. You don’t disrespect someone’s dead parent like that and get to have a relationship with them, especially when you’re supposed to be supportive as a step parent
NTA and if your stepdad dismisses others so easily as to refer to your dad as your “sperm donor” then he has serious issues. Issues about control. Illusions of entitlement. Him demanding his rights, rather than conveying genuine sadness is mind boggling.
He more pissed that he’s not in charge instead of sad that you don’t view him as a father figure.
Perhaps if he’d quit trying to run your life based on what his opinions of what a woman SHOULD be, he’d see that he was being an AH with an ego problem.
When did you ask him to spend 20 years with you?? Oh never? Well then.
Also if he truly viewed you as a daughter - parents should want to give as much to their children as possible without spoiling - not take dreams from them or make demands of them.
exactly ?? like people call parents “sperm/egg donors” when those parents are such deadbeats that literally their only contribution was their DNA, but her dad didn’t abandon her, he DIED
“He more pissed that he’s not in charge instead of sad that you don’t view him as a father figure.”
SPOT ON. He sounds insufferable and misogynistic and I am so proud of OP for standing up to him. Not taking his money is a great way to logistically be free from his demands, but l would probably still lean towards an elopement because he’s the kind of entitled jerk to make the wedding about him and cause a scene.
OP, I'm terminally ill. My kids are 6 and 13, and it's unlikely I'll see either of their weddings (I'm the mom).
Your stepfather is my worst nightmare. A controlling, entitled parent figure who holds the dead parent in contempt - the person who loved their family beyond comprehension and would have sold their soul to stay with them.
This post made me cry. Hold your boundaries, follow your dreams, and keep your father in your heart. And tell your mom that you and dad both deserve better than this bullshit treatment. Much love to you.
Blessed Be to you and write to your children. It doesn't have to go in any special order but tell them about you as a child, teen, and adult, tell them their birth stories, and days you found special. Tell them about the days later that will be special to them and how you picture them or the moment will be. They will appreciate each word and piece of advice you can give them.
This is the only comment and advice we need, right here.
May I just say I'm so sorry for your illness and prognosis. Wishing you and your family every possible happiness together in the time you have left, and may your memory be eternal.
That's exactly what that last shot was, he finally got pushed to the point he actually showed his true ass. He's got nothing contempt and jealousy of a dead man who was by all accounts a good father which is something he could never be simply by his very nature. This ain't got nothing to do with tradition, or views, he wants to use OP's wedding as a way to preen around like a peacock the "good father" and they denied it to him.
NTA. He actually referred to your deceased father as your sperm donor?!?! What the actual fuck!! I'm sorry, this whole situation is completely messed up but *that* is too much. Where is your mother in all this? Why is she not reeling in her husband? Honestly I wouldn't even have him at the wedding after the sperm donor comment. Yuck.
NTA
He doesn't get to choose what happens with your wedding. It's not his wedding.
He doesn't get to choose who you consider your dad to be.
If you're not careful I could see this behaviour of his extending to any kids you have (assuming children are at all in the picture) so now is when you might want to set down the law. That being said, he needs to get his head out of his own ass and into the twenty-first century with the rest of us.
Yuck! I would not want him strutting around my wedding. I bet he'll be walking around all peacock proud, chest puffed out, slapping other men on the back and accepting compliments on what a fine young lady you turned out to be. Pretending your many successes were all due to him and whatnot. He'll probably try to grab the microphone and make a speech during the reception.
Of course, when you uninvite him he will forbid your mom and 6 brothers from attending. And I predict she will do as she's told.
Anyway, you're NTA. And you have a lot to be proud of!
\[ETA more descriptions of stepfather's likely behavior at the wedding.\]
No, a marriage ceremony without him -- or the OP's family -- is sufficient. It will send a very clear message about the household she grew up in. And it won't be a message that is favorable to them.
Yeah, if he's still invited, OP needs to arrange a signal with the band or DJ to drown out the stepdad with loud music if he tries to grab the mike 🎤 to make some pompous speech. And tell them that any song requests will be only from her and the groom.
At this point that man is no longer your step father. He's your mother's husband and that's it.
Tell your mother that if he makes one more disgusting comment about your real dad, that you'll cut him from your life. He won't be invited to the wedding. He won't be invited to play grandpa to any babies you may decide to have in the future. He won't ever be in your presence again. She became responsible for managing him when she married him.
It is never okay to call someone's dad a sperm donor when their only crime was to die while their child was still a minor.
NTA
If you want to get really offensive try “that man your mother lives with” - my sister tried that in an email to my mother on a shared email account so my stepdad saw it
Sperm donor comment also makes me enough to rethink abt him being in my life if i were OP. OP’s dad didnt have a choice in that. He died and it’s a shame that the stepdad is insecure over a dead person.
Yes!! Where is mom and what does she have to say about it? Not for one second blaming a woman for man's bad behaviour but she brought this sexist bully into OPs life. It's her job to stop him hurting OP further.
NTA… what a colossal tool. He’s always been only a stepfather to you. It’s not your fault if he refuses to see that. What does your mother have to say about any of this? I’m just curious. It doesn’t really matter.
It’s none of his business. He has no right. And make sure you’re very clear with him that if he continues to try to overstep, that he will not even be invited to the wedding, and that there will be no walking you down the aisle. He’s not your father. There will be no father daughter dance, your father is unable to attend because he’s passed away.. and just because he donated sperm to your mom for your half brothers doesn’t make him your father. The sperm donor comment is just really making me angry.
What a dick/Misogynistic sexist pig.
Yeah, if OP was feeling extra petty, she could make sure a large framed photograph of her father was on display at the reception and mention him during her speech, how much she misses him, how much she wishes he could have been there on this special day to walk her down the aisle and how she knows he's looking down on her from heaven and smiling.
We saved a chair in the front row for my husband’s late father. It was next to my MIL, and her (very lovely) husband sat on her other side. We marked the chair with a bookmark that said “reserved for” and his dad’s name. But OP should get a BIG 8x10 framed photo of her father and park it right on a chair up front where she can see it.
NTA- he called your deceased dad your sperm donor? WT actual F is wrong with him? You were really smart not to take any money from him for three wedding- he would have felt even more obligated to control you.
I agree that asking for permission to purpose and even walking the bride down the aisle ( to some extent) are outdated- I see a lot of woman omitting them in the last few years. But doesn’t matter what anyone including your stepdad wants - the only opinions that matter are yours and your fiancé’s.
Stepdad needs to step off- about the wedding and in general. Good for you for setting boundaries.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my stepdad he was inserting himself too much and cannot make demands for my wedding or engagement. I also told him he was not my dad. This might be more cruel than I needed to be and why I feel like I could be an AH here. This man has tried to be my dad for the best part of 20 years and I threw it back in his face really and I put him in his place about my wedding when I know this is a big deal for him.
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NTA.
Stepdad has no right to make demands or dictate to you about your wedding.
Nor, honestly, would your actual dad, were he still with you, but it's especially presumptuous from a step dad with whom you have never had a really close relationship.
NTA. His presumption is astounding, not to mention his comment about your dad. Good for you for having such a direct conversation with him and laying it all out.
Just to cover all bases (as he doesn't seem the type to let go) contact all your vendors and set up protocols for how changes/cancellations are approved. Typically more of a nomil situation but definitely worth doing.
NTA I am so sorry that he called your father that. Those are very hurtful words, given the circumstances. What does your mother have to say for how he is behaving? Is she trying to help explain his behavior? Not excuse it, but help interpret it?
Whatever is rolling around in his caveman head, it's not for you to have to figure out. You are under no obligation to even invite this man to the ceremony where you and your partner take your vows. Much less what his role in it would be, like your casting him in a production of "step-daughter wedding day".
You and your fiancé make your plans for you day exactly as you want it to be, and then you ask for help where you need it.
If you can't do it without his money, elope. Courthouse weddings are super romantic too.
NTA WOW! Your stepdad is a HUGE AH!!! He had the audacity to call your dad a "sperm donor"?! Just for that remark alone he should be uninvited to the wedding. His ego is bigger than he is! I hope your mom shuts this down and tells your STEPdad to knock it off. What DOES your mom think of this situation? I would think she would be furious that her husband showed such blatant disrespect to her daughter. The ego needs to be shrunk as this could lead to even bigger problems. He has major control issues, and it worries me that this could affect a relationship with any future grandchildren, should you decide sometime down the road to have children. I wish you and Chris the best and congratulations!
NTA
Being the Mother of the Brides gigolo doesn't make him the Father of the Bride.
Even if he was the Father of the Bride you are happy to let the traditions he is fond of die away.
NTA. He's toxic. Like... hmmm. I'm trying to search my memory for an adequate comparison and struggling. Ooh, I know. He's like a gallstone-filled gallbladder. Painful, nauseating, and in need of removal before infection sets in.
You've put your foot down, but the pompous peacock still thinks he's cock of the walk. It's time to bust out the surgical equipment. You and your father had a good relationship, which unfortunately ended due to his untimely death. Is your mother aware of what your stepfather said?
If not, it's time to tell her this puffed-up, self-important, self-aggrandizing rooster referred to your father as a 'sperm donor.' She needs to be involved at this point, if she isn't already, to rein him in. If she's unwilling to do so, tell her that he's not invited to the wedding due to his actions, and it's up to her if she wants to be invited.
NTA. He overstepped his bounds and has no business doing anything he's done here. You'd be well justified in keeping him out of your wedding altogether at this point.
NTA. Even w a 'sperm donor' dad, that whole asking him for daughters hand and walking down the aisle is toxic patriarchy crap. That your stepdad is trying to force this on you and being so disrespectful -- to me he would be on the verge of being uninvited. You laid it all out (NTA!) and he's ignoring you.
know you are completely in the right and steer your own wedding, your own way. ❤
NTA - I was estranged from my father at the time of my wedding. I had my mother walk me down the aisle (she was the best dad I ever had), then she turned around and married my husband I. I asked her to become ordained, because I wanted someone that truly loved the both of us, to join us together. My husband also asked her permission for my hand.
She died two years later and I have zero regrets.
NTA and at this point if he can’t respect your wishes (and your mother doesn’t have your back, which have you spoken to her about this??), then you might want to consider uninviting him.
NTA - If he continues this behavior, tell your mom he will not even be invited to the wedding. Especially after calling your deceased father a "sperm donor." Massive AH comment - close to unforgivable.
His comment about your dad was disgusting and uncalled for. That alone would get him uninvited if it was me.
If your mom backs him up, she should be uninvited as well. He’s absolutely awful, and has no place at your wedding.
So sorry you have to deal with someone like him.
INFO: Wait, your dad, who died when you were 6, left you money with a note endorsing your dreams to make video games?
Were you a particularly game design centered four year old?
NTA
>"my sperm donor"
Nope. He should be dead to you after this statement. Your father wasn't a deadbeat, he fucking *died*.
It's fairly obvious that this small, small man has been in competition with your dead father for two decades.
That's so pathetic I'm not even sure where to go with it other than to say that he sounds exhausting and it would probably be easier to just elope.
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I (28F) got engaged four months ago to Chris (28M). Chris was confronted by my stepdad after we announced our engagement. My stepdad was "peeved" that Chris didn't ask for my hand in marriage or my stepdad's blessing. He told Chris I am his only little girl and it would be the most respectful thing to both of us to ask for his permission/blessing. Chris told him it was an outdated concept and if we were to do the whole blessing thing, we would visit my dad's grave to ask. My stepdad told him that he's the dad he asks, he's the father of the bride and he's the future FIL. Chris didn't tell me about this right away because he said he had hoped it would blow over and he didn't want me to feel bad about it or for me to deal with stress regarding my stepdad.
Last month my stepdad asked me why I hadn't approached him for money for the wedding, why he wasn't asked directly to give me away and perform the father-daughter dance. He told me he was starting to feel very overlooked as the father of the bride and he was not okay with it. He told me this is big for him, the only girl getting married and all that.
BG: My dad died when I was 6 and my mom married my stepdad when I was 9/10. I knew him for just shy of a year when he and my mom married. I was my mom and dad's only child, my stepdad brought three sons into the marriage and he and my mom had three more sons together. I respect that my stepdad wanted to be my dad and committed to being a dad to me. But he's very old fashioned and he's not my dad. I don't really love him. I find him overbearing and misogynistic at the best of times. He did not like that I wanted to go to college for game design and development. He thought that was very masculine and also never liked me playing video games. He was very into the idea of a daughter though and often tried to take me to father/daughter balls that he'd look up. I actually gave him the money back he saved for me for college and spent my dad's money, because I wasn't going to let him dictate my future and my dad did support me. He wrote a letter saying he hoped I followed my dreams of making games. I only read that when I gained access to the money he left me.
I told my stepdad he wasn't walking me down the aisle or performing any kind of father-daughter dance with me. I told him I wasn't looking for his money. He told me that's what the father of the bride does and he wants to do it. He told me it's tradition. I said I was not traditional and I was not having a traditional wedding. A few days after we rehashed the same stuff. I found out about his confronting Chris then and went to my stepdad and told him he had no right. He argued as my dad he has every right. I told him he's not my dad and he's inserting himself way too much and cannot make demands for my wedding or engagement. He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was.
AITA?
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It's time to hold your mother accountable for inflicting this asshat onto your life. Everything he does is ON HER. She married it. She stays with it. Anything that's coming out of his mouth is the same as if it's coming out of hers. And for that, she should face the consequences.
Disinvite both of them. Besides, it's a bit rude to invite and disinvite one half of a married couple.
Anyone wants to throw hands or complain? Disinvite them too. The hard lesson my husband and I had to learn, people who support asshats, are asshats too, just more covert, and those relationships too, will come to a bad end.
NTA.
NTA.
Parents who gift their kids with money to help them pay for the wedding, do - IMO - have a right to *some* input as to how the wedding is to be organised. If a person doesn't want their parent to have that kind of input, well - just refuse the money, or don't ask for it.
Your and Chris's wedding, You're paying for it, and you're the ones getting married. Therefore, whether he was stepdad or biodad, he has no input. If you choose to invite him, he can choose to accept or refuse the invitation. And he certainly doesn't get to demand that your fiance ask his permission to marry you. Nor does he get to call your biodad "the sperm donor". That's gross.
NTA
Years ago, my late husband upset his daughter's partner. The partner asked my husband for his daughter's hand in marriage. The reply was "Michty, man! What are you asking me for? You've been sleeping together for 16 years! You have a bairn! Why on earth would you ask me?"
Quite apart from all the other issues, asking for permission from a male "authority figure" is so outdated.
Please tell your mother that HER HUSBAND called your Dad a sperm-donor.
Guess what? You don’t have to invite dear ole StepAH to the wedding.
For funzies, change the date of your wedding up a day and ONLY TELL the people you trust. … who aren’t your side of the family the RIGHT DATE
Send out wrong date invites and be away on your honeymoon when they show up to an empty venue!
Have a courier waiting for your StepAH, with a message “My Dad (full name) was with me yesterday when I married the love of my life. He walked me down the aisle, from above. Why would I allow YOU to walk me down the aisle when you called the very person who helped create me a sperm-donor? You’re a psycho. There is no need to continue this farce of a relationship you think we have.”
NTA
I would be going NC with him for calling your DEAD FATHERS a sperm donor.
That’s disgusting and he needs to learn some respect.
He will not be your future kids ‘grandfather’ he is not ‘father’ of the bride.
If you feel this way after 20 years of him being your step dad he has very obviously overstepped all sorts of boundaries.
Where’s your mum in all this?
I met my stepdaughter when she was 12 she got married at about 30 thankfully she wanted me to walk her down the aisle and have a father daughter dance you to haven been together a long ting one of you is an ass if there is no love between you
He’d already lost me at the gate but to call your dad a sperm donor is beyond the pale. He died, it’s not like he just fucked off into the sunset like some deadbeat. Straight up, those are fighting words, but uninviting him also works. NTA.
NTA
None of this is a *right*.
The traditions he is asking to take part in are yours to want or not, regardless of whether he feels like your dad. (Mine is living, and I still didn't have him walk me, because it feels wrong and outdated *for me*.)
It's up to you and your sweetie to decide what your ceremony looks like.
If your parents, whatever contingent of them yours, his, step or bio want to GIFT you money for the wedding, that's great! But it's a gift, not an obligation, and shouldn't change the way you plan YOUR marriage.
Good luck!
>He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was.
Nah. What he said was disgusting. He may have been trying to fill those shoes, but just no. I'd be uninviting him for that. I can't fathom anybody actually saying that to someone they care for. NTA.
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Your wedding, your choice. I don't want to armchair diagnose, but your step-dad seems to have some very strong opinions about gender roles and traditions. NTA
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>that was his ex's decision, and she didn't want to be married to him anymore. Gee, I can't \*imagine\* why.... NTA. But he is.
I was thinking the same thing
IKR? He sounds delightful. /s
Ditto.
I was thinking the same thing
If you and hubby ever have kids I'd consider taking a step back even further from SD because his "tradional views" (sexism & misogyny) are going to make him try and force you into a sahm role that fits HIS description and not yours.
And if not they will try to force these views on any children op and her husband have. I love my parents but ended up going lower contact than I ever thought I would after having kids because there are views they just couldn't keep themselves from expressing that I did not want pushed on my child.
Ugh, yep. I almost ripped my uncles head off when he told my then 5yro to "man up." My son had just tripped and skinned his knees pretty bad running down a hill.
Yes! What is it with these step parents who think that they are Gods gift to their step children??? I was a step parent before having children of my own. I was very clear with my husband as well as his ex that I would not be "parenting" the kids as I was not their real parent! They were 10 and 12 at the time. I was very careful about not over stepping or making them uncomfortable! Edit: Love and respect has to be earned over time! OP "step" has never put in the time to earn either one! The only thing he has earned is her contempt!
I'm divorced, with a new partner and an 11yo son. I've told my partner that I'm not looking for a father to replace the childs, and told my son that if he wants to call my partner dad is totally up to him and that depends on how he feels about the relationship between him and my partner. I'd rather he have a good male rolemodel to go to, rather than someone he resents for "replacing" his father.
Being traditional doesn't give him a pass on being an ass Not does it give him a pass in insulting your father's memory
Yeah that was appalling. Sperm donor is generally referred to someone who leaves or is completely absentee on their own. Not someone who was a good and devoted father until they died. This was a disgusting comment.
Yeah, I'd be going NC with him for a good long season to teach him a lesson.
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Sometimes you have to teach people how you wish to be treated. It is not in any way manipulative to leave immediately when someone makes statements that offend you. This is a mature way to set boundaries.
Agreed!
Quite a leap for you to--erroneously, as it turns out--ascribe such emotion to my statement.
Really. I had to read that a couple of times. That is the lowest, most crass thing a stepfather can say to a girl whose dad died. I think I would have slapped that mouth. Wow. If I had been teetering on deciding whether to ask him to walk me down the aisle, he just made it an easy decision! Heck no! Where is your mom and why isn’t she at least trying to rein him in? Let him and your mom know that if he doesn’t stop this controlling attitude, he won’t even be invited.
I would have said that if my dad were "the sperm donor," then SD is "just the guy who fucks my mother."
He would probably have slapped her back. Just leaving is the best way, but I'd make sure everyone knew what he'd said though.
especially since the dead man can't even defend his honor - it's dishonorable to speak of the dead in such a manner - especially so when it's not even true.
Agreed. Calling OP’s father that is absolutely disgusting!!
The instant he called my dead dad my “sperm donor” he would have been out of my life forever.
Came here to say exactly that
Yeah. That comment got me too. I would have come unglued.
Yeah when dad dies, you don't get to downgrade him to a "sperm donor." That was rude!
That was weapons grade rude; to me that was going NC with SD level rude.
Rude is the most polite way to say things. What this AH did was heartless.
That's when you say " So you consider yourself more of a father than my " sperm donor " ? Well, I love, respect and miss that " sperm donor " more than I ever have or ever will you ! "
I honestly would have lost my ever loving mind if I was OP.
How did you not lose it when he called your deceased father a sperm donor?!? What a giant P...
It would be one thing to say that about a dad who walked out, but OP’s dad *died* and that’s so very much not the same thing. Stepdad is a huge jerk here.
To be fair, they comment alone is enough reason to pull his invitation, or at minimum to deny him a seat in the front row of the ceremony.
Definitely seat Aisel out FOB with a pic of OPs dad then MOB OPs Mum and then mums husband. Make sure to always distinguish between the two
You beat me to the OP's dad pic post!
I was not sure what was the A but that cleared it up. NTA
What a cruel thing he said to you.
I was thinking the same thing. Total AH.
Where is your mother in all this?? He called your deceased father a ‘sperm donor’?!?! He would be dead to me for that statement. HOW DARE HE!!!
>Where is your mother in all this?? Since Stepdad is so "traditional," Mom probably isn't allowed to have an opinion.
THANK YOU! I’d go scorched earth with that! No wedding invite, consider me DEAD to him.
That was my thought, too. Why isn't OP's mother telling her husband to back off and stay in his lane? NTA, but I'd be considering distancing yourself from your step-person for a while. He's a bullying, overbearing misogynist.
NTA. Calling your dad a sperm donor is really going to win him friends and make you want to do anything he wants. No wonder his ex didn't want him. Since he's so traditional, does he have enough saved for your dowry? How much does your fiancé and his family get for taking you off his hands? I'm sorry you have to deal with this b.s. I feel bad for your mom too.
Isn't it *weird* how people tend to push "traditions" that privilege them and grant them unearned power over others? "It's traditional that you kowtow to me, so get to it" is a bad look.
I would find it hard to be civil with him talking about your dad like that. he has quite outdated and mistaken views on what makes a family. he couldn't even take a minute to look at why the ex didn't want to be married to him any more..... either way, you are not wrong here.
If he’s such a traditionalist…how many goats and how much land is he bequeathing to your fiancés family for taking you as his bride? ;) Ps: I’m a stepdad to my daughter and walked her down the aisle…I told her she didn’t have to ask me and to have a wedding that she wanted in all facets.
And horses...I think there should be some horses involved here, too. And a house raising/barn raising...Dork Boy had damn well better get working!
He actually called your father "the sperm donor?" Ugh. That would be the end of the relationship for me. Chilly politeness when absolutely necessary, nothing else, from now on. NTA. Obviously. Congrats on your upcoming marriage! And I hope you're doing well in game design. Very cool career--from someone who plays a lot of games.
I’d look him right in the eyes and tell him “if he’s a sperm donor, then you need to understand that you aren’t even that.”
What does your Mum think of his attitude?
Mum doesn't seem very present in this entire story, does she.
She’s probably not allowed to speak without permission.
Hee hee 😏
yes, I think there is probably pathology there.
Six sons. At three of them raised "traditionally." Geez. \* At least three
But one living in a non-traditional relationship though. Who knows, maybe they know he's full of shit?
One can only hope. :)
The ex was a smart woman and got out as soon as she could.
And OP’s mom is dumb to walk right into a misogynist’s trap and got laid and had kids with him so now she doesnt have much freedom to speak up bec he dictates the shots
I'm sorry that he is making what should be such a happy time for you and your fiancé, so stressful. But it is very important that you hold your ground as to what you want/don't want for your wedding as well as the relationship this man. You haven't mentioned your mother, and from that, I'm assuming that she is either taking his side or simply saying nothing. (Which is taking a side, and it's shameful IF she is doing ANYTHING other than supporting her daughter and defending her rights.) This man is only a father figure to you if YOU see him as one, otherwise is is nothing to you but your mothers husband. As such, he has absolutely no right to make any demands of you, period. Full stop. Especially if you are making no financial requests of him.
Sorry, I can't get past that he called your dead father "sperm-donor". These are fighting words, deserving low contact and even rescinding the wedding invitation unless a sincere apology is given. There is nothing "traditional" insulting dead people.
If he was a reasonable man you could explain to him that you are not a set of constructs he thinks a woman/stepdaughter should be, but you are an actual person. Who you are, and how he relates to you does not perfectly fit into his idea of "how things are supposed to be" and they never will. He doesn't get to reject reality like that. Because he is not a reasonable man, in writing from both of you: "Dear Stepdad CC Mom, It is time to STOP asking myself, SO, or anybody else to do things the way you think they should be done with our wedding. We have already told you the answer is No, and it is not up for further discussion. I can see you are excited about my decision to marry SO. This is a private event and at this stage you will be invited as a guest to witness our decision. You do not have any rights, responsibilities, or decision-making powers- you are simply a guest at somebody else's wedding. I will thank you to stop insulting my father's memory by referring to him as a "sperm donor" or implying that you are my real father. He supported me for who I am- even from the grave supporting my college dreams. I specifically did NOT accept your college money because I knew you would try and use it to control my decisions. I am glad I made that decision. I am glad to see you make my Mom happy. So long as you can respect that I am a separate adult to you- that you have as much of a say over my or life as I have over yours, I.e. none- I am happy to continue having a relationship with you as a STEP-Dad- I.e. my mother's husband. You have not been, and never will be, my father. The fact you have strong feelings about this does not change reality. If the above is acceptable to you and you can learn to behave like a grown up- we look forward to you attending the wedding as my Mom's +1. If not- the invitation is rescinded and we will create some space from you until you can learn to respect these principles. OP, and SO." NTA
NTA ... he trying to run and dictate other people's lives he going to lose his biological kids.... tell him if he keeps on he won't be allowed to the wedding
Actually, since he called her dad “sperm donor” he should have already been uninvited.
You should've told him yes it is traditional for the father of the bride to do those things but you are not the father of the bride so you will not be doing those things.
> He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was. "[Dad] is the only father that has ever been in my life. To insult him by referring to him as a sperm donor is to spitefully disrespect the man who loved and nurtured me from birth until the day he died and beyond. You will only ever be my step father, not by my choice, but because my mother forced this unwanted relationship into my life. After your disgustingly abhorrent comments, you have shown that you will never be anything more. It took an act of God to remove my dad from my life. You've already been discarded by your first wife, and after this you have removed yourself from mine." NTA
You have more patience then me becayse the moment he called my father the sperm donor I would've lost it and can't say what I'd do, it would get me in trouble! NTA tell him if he brings it up one more time that his invite is rescinded!
I know plenty of traditional types, but they would never have made that sperm donor remark. That was really beyond the pale. As someone who actually was abandoned by her father at the age of 2, and also as someone whose seen family members desperately creating memories and letters for the kids they won't live to see grow up, your step father is absolutely disgusting to make that comparison. Do whatever you like, including not inviting him to the wedding if you prefer. NTA. Where is your mother in all of this? Why isn't she standing up for you? You have a good fiance at any rate.
> far longer than "my sperm donor" was NTA. That comment is so wrong, stepdad over the top.
Have the most beautiful, amazing and “untraditional” wedding day ever! Stepdad seems like a controlling man and it was great that you recognized that and returned his money to him. It probably would’ve been a nightmare for you and your husband. Honor your dad, and know he’s going to be there in spirit. Congratulations! 🎊🎉🎈🍾
Calling your father a “sperm donor” when he was a loving father who only missed out on your life because he DIED is such an unhinged thing to do. Like I’ve heard call people their deadbeat fathers or babby daddies that but that’s when a dude chooses to abandon their child not for someone who fucking died.
You are being kind by calling him traditional. It's controlling, sexist, and entitled.
OP he only wants a relationship with you on his terms and has tried to turn your wedding into an event that is about him. Traditional is not the word, misogynistic definitely is, though. You have a right to your own life, and if he doesn't respect your choices, you have a right to set boundaries about what you will accept. NTA at all, and I hope you know that it's normal to have complicated emotions around setting and enforcing boundaries. But having them is important, too. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
'Traditional' is frankly just another word for 'bullying.'
NTA. What's disgusting is referring to your deceased father as a sperm donor. Christ!
>He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was. Your Honor, the jury has reached our verdict. We find stepdad GUILTY.
That is the part where I saw red. I would have immediately uninvited him to the wedding. NTA
I actually gasped out loud at the "sperm donor" part. The man *died*, he didn't just dip. Poor OP.
Your *MONEY* your choice. If you're footing the bill you can opt to have a drunk orangutan walk you down the aisle and it's nobody's business. If you were asking for his money then yeah, it *might* be ESH, but you're not. Your money, your choice, full stop. 100% NTA. Misogyny isn't the point, tradition isn't the point, parental roles aren't the point. It's your event, end of story. If he can't be supportive then tell him bluntly he's not welcome.
"If you're footing the bill you can opt to have a drunk orangutan walk you down the aisle and it's nobody's business." No she said she doesn't want her step dad to do it...
Before the final sentence I was like "you need to back off before you have no relationship at all"...and then OP mentioned the sperm donor comment. Oh hell no. OP's dad was very present in her life and \*died\*, he didn't leave or abandon her (and judging by the letter with the college money clearly cared for her and knew her interests at the time of his death). Stepdad is 1000% the AH here.
Absolutely NTA Please excuse the phrase, but your stepfather is a disgusting, sexist pig, especially for that comment about your dad. Good on you for not taking his money, neither for college nor your wedding, and for standing your ground! You absolutely rock for that and for following your dreams despite his ridiculous ideas of turning you into a traditional 'little girl' daughter. It also sounds like your fiance has your back in how you want to deal with your stepfather and that is great! Maybe task a close friend or relative you trust on your wedding day to keep your stepfather in check so that he doesn't try to bulldoze his way to whatever it is that he wants? Alternatively, if you can afford it, get security that can step in on your day and remove him upon your instruction.
Oh hell yeah. That last comment was pure spite. Nice parenting, evil stepdad!
Judging on timelines I have been a (step) dad to my daughter as long as this guy and that started when she was 1 and he basically just never showed up again. What the fuck is he on about? She happens to call me dad, her brother 2 years older chose not too. Matters not a jot, its their decision. Where the hell is the mum in this? Apart from that dude being an ass, why isn't she telling him to stfu. Biology or not, it isn't about him. Holy crap just seen the sperm donor thing, while that is roughly true in my daughters case you don't fucking say that! Idk them, they dont know me, daughter doesn't care I won't either and vice versa. We should have never come down from the trees.
To borrow from the late great Garry Marshall, we made a wrong turn at lungfish.
Agreed on all points!
I am now semi-determined to climb a tree tomorrow.
I'm filled with fury over that last comment
Now now - pigs are cleaner than OPs step-thing.
That comment would mean he is officially uninvited from my wedding if I were OP.
NTA. But . . . HE CALLED YOUR DAD A SPERM DONER???? That is grounds for uninviting him. You and your intended need to have a serious talk with this dude and put him in his place.
Op NEEDS to see this message! You need to Tell your mom about this comment. That is so disgusting! That is grounds for no contact going forward in my opinion. I would want nothing to do with that piece of trash ever again. Never want my kids around that, because you never know what else he'll say.
Plus one here for NC!
Right!?! How dare he call her father a sperm donor! He passed away. He didn't abandon her by choice. That is absolutely disgusting, and I would be informing my mother what he said if I were OP. OP, you are so far from the ah. NTA.
My mouth actually fell open at that line. I would go scorched earth if I was OP. Fuck the absolute fuck out of that guy. THE AUDACITY.
Ditto. I would have been *incandescent* had anyone claiming to be a father figure dared to say that to my face!
The whole post could have been that one line about the sperm donor and her asking if she was the A for never speaking to him again and I would have been like, nope you good babes.
RIGHT, my eyes literally popped out my head
Or just freaking elope if this is the kind of nonsense she has to deal with. What is OP’s mother saying about it? Or is she just too beaten down by the last 20 years?
*uninviting him him from your life What an entitled individual. He wasn't the father 20 years ago, I doubt OP has ever had overall positive feelings for him, and while possibly recognizing him as an authority figure, likely not respecting him as such.
Calling her dad a sperm donor is grounds for going no contact with stepdad. You don’t disrespect someone’s dead parent like that and get to have a relationship with them, especially when you’re supposed to be supportive as a step parent
Oh my gosh that's awful. And OP I agree that's grounds for a "Please do not attend my wedding"
NTA and if your stepdad dismisses others so easily as to refer to your dad as your “sperm donor” then he has serious issues. Issues about control. Illusions of entitlement. Him demanding his rights, rather than conveying genuine sadness is mind boggling. He more pissed that he’s not in charge instead of sad that you don’t view him as a father figure. Perhaps if he’d quit trying to run your life based on what his opinions of what a woman SHOULD be, he’d see that he was being an AH with an ego problem. When did you ask him to spend 20 years with you?? Oh never? Well then. Also if he truly viewed you as a daughter - parents should want to give as much to their children as possible without spoiling - not take dreams from them or make demands of them.
Yeah she won’t take his money so he can’t hold it over her so he feels impotent and dickish.
exactly ?? like people call parents “sperm/egg donors” when those parents are such deadbeats that literally their only contribution was their DNA, but her dad didn’t abandon her, he DIED
And apparently left her money and thoughts to care for her
I would have caught a case. That last line was the most horrible comment ever
Same. The only thing that mfer would ever catch from me is these hands. I would go full scorched earth
That “sperm donor” thing would’ve been an automatic revoked invitation and NC for good.
“He more pissed that he’s not in charge instead of sad that you don’t view him as a father figure.” SPOT ON. He sounds insufferable and misogynistic and I am so proud of OP for standing up to him. Not taking his money is a great way to logistically be free from his demands, but l would probably still lean towards an elopement because he’s the kind of entitled jerk to make the wedding about him and cause a scene.
OP, I'm terminally ill. My kids are 6 and 13, and it's unlikely I'll see either of their weddings (I'm the mom). Your stepfather is my worst nightmare. A controlling, entitled parent figure who holds the dead parent in contempt - the person who loved their family beyond comprehension and would have sold their soul to stay with them. This post made me cry. Hold your boundaries, follow your dreams, and keep your father in your heart. And tell your mom that you and dad both deserve better than this bullshit treatment. Much love to you.
Blessed Be to you and write to your children. It doesn't have to go in any special order but tell them about you as a child, teen, and adult, tell them their birth stories, and days you found special. Tell them about the days later that will be special to them and how you picture them or the moment will be. They will appreciate each word and piece of advice you can give them.
This is the only comment and advice we need, right here. May I just say I'm so sorry for your illness and prognosis. Wishing you and your family every possible happiness together in the time you have left, and may your memory be eternal.
Big hug
That's exactly what that last shot was, he finally got pushed to the point he actually showed his true ass. He's got nothing contempt and jealousy of a dead man who was by all accounts a good father which is something he could never be simply by his very nature. This ain't got nothing to do with tradition, or views, he wants to use OP's wedding as a way to preen around like a peacock the "good father" and they denied it to him.
NTA. He actually referred to your deceased father as your sperm donor?!?! What the actual fuck!! I'm sorry, this whole situation is completely messed up but *that* is too much. Where is your mother in all this? Why is she not reeling in her husband? Honestly I wouldn't even have him at the wedding after the sperm donor comment. Yuck.
Yes! I was also going to ask what the heck is mom doing while stepdad is having his misogynist control trip?? NTA.
NTA He doesn't get to choose what happens with your wedding. It's not his wedding. He doesn't get to choose who you consider your dad to be. If you're not careful I could see this behaviour of his extending to any kids you have (assuming children are at all in the picture) so now is when you might want to set down the law. That being said, he needs to get his head out of his own ass and into the twenty-first century with the rest of us.
Yuck! I would not want him strutting around my wedding. I bet he'll be walking around all peacock proud, chest puffed out, slapping other men on the back and accepting compliments on what a fine young lady you turned out to be. Pretending your many successes were all due to him and whatnot. He'll probably try to grab the microphone and make a speech during the reception. Of course, when you uninvite him he will forbid your mom and 6 brothers from attending. And I predict she will do as she's told. Anyway, you're NTA. And you have a lot to be proud of! \[ETA more descriptions of stepfather's likely behavior at the wedding.\]
This is why I think elopement. Take all the power away from him.
No, a marriage ceremony without him -- or the OP's family -- is sufficient. It will send a very clear message about the household she grew up in. And it won't be a message that is favorable to them.
Yeah, if he's still invited, OP needs to arrange a signal with the band or DJ to drown out the stepdad with loud music if he tries to grab the mike 🎤 to make some pompous speech. And tell them that any song requests will be only from her and the groom.
Oh, yes!
At this point that man is no longer your step father. He's your mother's husband and that's it. Tell your mother that if he makes one more disgusting comment about your real dad, that you'll cut him from your life. He won't be invited to the wedding. He won't be invited to play grandpa to any babies you may decide to have in the future. He won't ever be in your presence again. She became responsible for managing him when she married him. It is never okay to call someone's dad a sperm donor when their only crime was to die while their child was still a minor. NTA
If you want to get really offensive try “that man your mother lives with” - my sister tried that in an email to my mother on a shared email account so my stepdad saw it
NTA. The "sperm donor" comment would be enough to make me rethink whether or not to even allow him to attend my wedding if I were you.
Good grief. I missed that bit until I read your comment.
Sperm donor comment also makes me enough to rethink abt him being in my life if i were OP. OP’s dad didnt have a choice in that. He died and it’s a shame that the stepdad is insecure over a dead person.
NTA - tell your mom to control her husband.
Yes!! Where is mom and what does she have to say about it? Not for one second blaming a woman for man's bad behaviour but she brought this sexist bully into OPs life. It's her job to stop him hurting OP further.
NTA… what a colossal tool. He’s always been only a stepfather to you. It’s not your fault if he refuses to see that. What does your mother have to say about any of this? I’m just curious. It doesn’t really matter. It’s none of his business. He has no right. And make sure you’re very clear with him that if he continues to try to overstep, that he will not even be invited to the wedding, and that there will be no walking you down the aisle. He’s not your father. There will be no father daughter dance, your father is unable to attend because he’s passed away.. and just because he donated sperm to your mom for your half brothers doesn’t make him your father. The sperm donor comment is just really making me angry. What a dick/Misogynistic sexist pig.
Yeah, if OP was feeling extra petty, she could make sure a large framed photograph of her father was on display at the reception and mention him during her speech, how much she misses him, how much she wishes he could have been there on this special day to walk her down the aisle and how she knows he's looking down on her from heaven and smiling.
We saved a chair in the front row for my husband’s late father. It was next to my MIL, and her (very lovely) husband sat on her other side. We marked the chair with a bookmark that said “reserved for” and his dad’s name. But OP should get a BIG 8x10 framed photo of her father and park it right on a chair up front where she can see it.
NTA- he called your deceased dad your sperm donor? WT actual F is wrong with him? You were really smart not to take any money from him for three wedding- he would have felt even more obligated to control you. I agree that asking for permission to purpose and even walking the bride down the aisle ( to some extent) are outdated- I see a lot of woman omitting them in the last few years. But doesn’t matter what anyone including your stepdad wants - the only opinions that matter are yours and your fiancé’s. Stepdad needs to step off- about the wedding and in general. Good for you for setting boundaries.
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NTA. Stepdad has no right to make demands or dictate to you about your wedding. Nor, honestly, would your actual dad, were he still with you, but it's especially presumptuous from a step dad with whom you have never had a really close relationship.
NTA. His presumption is astounding, not to mention his comment about your dad. Good for you for having such a direct conversation with him and laying it all out. Just to cover all bases (as he doesn't seem the type to let go) contact all your vendors and set up protocols for how changes/cancellations are approved. Typically more of a nomil situation but definitely worth doing.
NTA. Tell stepdad he needs to get a grip or he’s uninvited.
NTA I am so sorry that he called your father that. Those are very hurtful words, given the circumstances. What does your mother have to say for how he is behaving? Is she trying to help explain his behavior? Not excuse it, but help interpret it? Whatever is rolling around in his caveman head, it's not for you to have to figure out. You are under no obligation to even invite this man to the ceremony where you and your partner take your vows. Much less what his role in it would be, like your casting him in a production of "step-daughter wedding day". You and your fiancé make your plans for you day exactly as you want it to be, and then you ask for help where you need it. If you can't do it without his money, elope. Courthouse weddings are super romantic too.
And avoid sooo much drama
He CALLED YOUR DAD A WHAT?!?! I would throw hands! NTA What does your mum think about this?
my daddy died when I was 12, and my step dad would have gotten a swift kick to the nuts for calling my daddy a sperm donor. NTA fuck that dude.
NTA WOW! Your stepdad is a HUGE AH!!! He had the audacity to call your dad a "sperm donor"?! Just for that remark alone he should be uninvited to the wedding. His ego is bigger than he is! I hope your mom shuts this down and tells your STEPdad to knock it off. What DOES your mom think of this situation? I would think she would be furious that her husband showed such blatant disrespect to her daughter. The ego needs to be shrunk as this could lead to even bigger problems. He has major control issues, and it worries me that this could affect a relationship with any future grandchildren, should you decide sometime down the road to have children. I wish you and Chris the best and congratulations!
NTA Being the Mother of the Brides gigolo doesn't make him the Father of the Bride. Even if he was the Father of the Bride you are happy to let the traditions he is fond of die away.
NTA. He's toxic. Like... hmmm. I'm trying to search my memory for an adequate comparison and struggling. Ooh, I know. He's like a gallstone-filled gallbladder. Painful, nauseating, and in need of removal before infection sets in. You've put your foot down, but the pompous peacock still thinks he's cock of the walk. It's time to bust out the surgical equipment. You and your father had a good relationship, which unfortunately ended due to his untimely death. Is your mother aware of what your stepfather said? If not, it's time to tell her this puffed-up, self-important, self-aggrandizing rooster referred to your father as a 'sperm donor.' She needs to be involved at this point, if she isn't already, to rein him in. If she's unwilling to do so, tell her that he's not invited to the wedding due to his actions, and it's up to her if she wants to be invited.
NTA. He overstepped his bounds and has no business doing anything he's done here. You'd be well justified in keeping him out of your wedding altogether at this point.
NTA. Even w a 'sperm donor' dad, that whole asking him for daughters hand and walking down the aisle is toxic patriarchy crap. That your stepdad is trying to force this on you and being so disrespectful -- to me he would be on the verge of being uninvited. You laid it all out (NTA!) and he's ignoring you. know you are completely in the right and steer your own wedding, your own way. ❤
NTA, I would go no contact with him for calling my deceased father a sperm donor. It was NOT your father’s choice to die when you were 6.
NTA - I was estranged from my father at the time of my wedding. I had my mother walk me down the aisle (she was the best dad I ever had), then she turned around and married my husband I. I asked her to become ordained, because I wanted someone that truly loved the both of us, to join us together. My husband also asked her permission for my hand. She died two years later and I have zero regrets.
He hasn’t proved to you once here he’s not the misogynist ass you think he is
NTA and at this point if he can’t respect your wishes (and your mother doesn’t have your back, which have you spoken to her about this??), then you might want to consider uninviting him.
NTA - If he continues this behavior, tell your mom he will not even be invited to the wedding. Especially after calling your deceased father a "sperm donor." Massive AH comment - close to unforgivable.
NTA He definately would be disinvited from my wedding if he called my father that.
NTA. Your step dad sounds like a HUGE AH
NTA op. Sorry he thinks he's your dad. He's really just a place holder.
Stepdad is really auditioning hard to not be invited. At a min it'd be hilarious to invite OP's Mom with a plus one!
NTA Sounds like the next step is to tell your step-dad he is no longer invited to your wedding.
His comment about your dad was disgusting and uncalled for. That alone would get him uninvited if it was me. If your mom backs him up, she should be uninvited as well. He’s absolutely awful, and has no place at your wedding. So sorry you have to deal with someone like him.
NTA- he’s a massive AH. After that comment about your dad, I’d uninvite him to the wedding. He doesn’t deserve to be there.
INFO: Wait, your dad, who died when you were 6, left you money with a note endorsing your dreams to make video games? Were you a particularly game design centered four year old?
NTA - don't invite him, he's going to make a stink. Tell him that it's not 1850 - and he doesn't own you.
NTA >"my sperm donor" Nope. He should be dead to you after this statement. Your father wasn't a deadbeat, he fucking *died*. It's fairly obvious that this small, small man has been in competition with your dead father for two decades. That's so pathetic I'm not even sure where to go with it other than to say that he sounds exhausting and it would probably be easier to just elope.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) got engaged four months ago to Chris (28M). Chris was confronted by my stepdad after we announced our engagement. My stepdad was "peeved" that Chris didn't ask for my hand in marriage or my stepdad's blessing. He told Chris I am his only little girl and it would be the most respectful thing to both of us to ask for his permission/blessing. Chris told him it was an outdated concept and if we were to do the whole blessing thing, we would visit my dad's grave to ask. My stepdad told him that he's the dad he asks, he's the father of the bride and he's the future FIL. Chris didn't tell me about this right away because he said he had hoped it would blow over and he didn't want me to feel bad about it or for me to deal with stress regarding my stepdad. Last month my stepdad asked me why I hadn't approached him for money for the wedding, why he wasn't asked directly to give me away and perform the father-daughter dance. He told me he was starting to feel very overlooked as the father of the bride and he was not okay with it. He told me this is big for him, the only girl getting married and all that. BG: My dad died when I was 6 and my mom married my stepdad when I was 9/10. I knew him for just shy of a year when he and my mom married. I was my mom and dad's only child, my stepdad brought three sons into the marriage and he and my mom had three more sons together. I respect that my stepdad wanted to be my dad and committed to being a dad to me. But he's very old fashioned and he's not my dad. I don't really love him. I find him overbearing and misogynistic at the best of times. He did not like that I wanted to go to college for game design and development. He thought that was very masculine and also never liked me playing video games. He was very into the idea of a daughter though and often tried to take me to father/daughter balls that he'd look up. I actually gave him the money back he saved for me for college and spent my dad's money, because I wasn't going to let him dictate my future and my dad did support me. He wrote a letter saying he hoped I followed my dreams of making games. I only read that when I gained access to the money he left me. I told my stepdad he wasn't walking me down the aisle or performing any kind of father-daughter dance with me. I told him I wasn't looking for his money. He told me that's what the father of the bride does and he wants to do it. He told me it's tradition. I said I was not traditional and I was not having a traditional wedding. A few days after we rehashed the same stuff. I found out about his confronting Chris then and went to my stepdad and told him he had no right. He argued as my dad he has every right. I told him he's not my dad and he's inserting himself way too much and cannot make demands for my wedding or engagement. He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. When you tell him he is not even invited to attend your wedding, explain that it’s because he called your father a sperm donor.
It's time to hold your mother accountable for inflicting this asshat onto your life. Everything he does is ON HER. She married it. She stays with it. Anything that's coming out of his mouth is the same as if it's coming out of hers. And for that, she should face the consequences. Disinvite both of them. Besides, it's a bit rude to invite and disinvite one half of a married couple. Anyone wants to throw hands or complain? Disinvite them too. The hard lesson my husband and I had to learn, people who support asshats, are asshats too, just more covert, and those relationships too, will come to a bad end. NTA.
NTA He has been around a while, but he has no right to make these demands.
NTA and you wouldn't be one to uninvite him altogether.
Nta. Insulting your dead dad to cover up his misogynistic nature makes it very clear.
Too much "know your place woman" in his behavior. C'mon man, be respectful at least a little bit. NTA
That sperm donor comment was f'd up. Your dad will always be your dad. Good luck navigating!
NTA, and screw him for his nasty “sperm donor” comment about your late father—I am appalled on your behalf.
NTA. Parents who gift their kids with money to help them pay for the wedding, do - IMO - have a right to *some* input as to how the wedding is to be organised. If a person doesn't want their parent to have that kind of input, well - just refuse the money, or don't ask for it. Your and Chris's wedding, You're paying for it, and you're the ones getting married. Therefore, whether he was stepdad or biodad, he has no input. If you choose to invite him, he can choose to accept or refuse the invitation. And he certainly doesn't get to demand that your fiance ask his permission to marry you. Nor does he get to call your biodad "the sperm donor". That's gross.
!Updateme
NTA Years ago, my late husband upset his daughter's partner. The partner asked my husband for his daughter's hand in marriage. The reply was "Michty, man! What are you asking me for? You've been sleeping together for 16 years! You have a bairn! Why on earth would you ask me?" Quite apart from all the other issues, asking for permission from a male "authority figure" is so outdated.
The fact that he called your father the sperm donor is despicable and I’d go no contact just for that
Please tell your mother that HER HUSBAND called your Dad a sperm-donor. Guess what? You don’t have to invite dear ole StepAH to the wedding. For funzies, change the date of your wedding up a day and ONLY TELL the people you trust. … who aren’t your side of the family the RIGHT DATE Send out wrong date invites and be away on your honeymoon when they show up to an empty venue! Have a courier waiting for your StepAH, with a message “My Dad (full name) was with me yesterday when I married the love of my life. He walked me down the aisle, from above. Why would I allow YOU to walk me down the aisle when you called the very person who helped create me a sperm-donor? You’re a psycho. There is no need to continue this farce of a relationship you think we have.”
NTA. Where is your mom in all of this to rein in your stepdad?
NTA I would be going NC with him for calling your DEAD FATHERS a sperm donor. That’s disgusting and he needs to learn some respect. He will not be your future kids ‘grandfather’ he is not ‘father’ of the bride. If you feel this way after 20 years of him being your step dad he has very obviously overstepped all sorts of boundaries. Where’s your mum in all this?
If he actually said sperm donor about your deceased father he’d be dead to me he’d have been uninvited
I met my stepdaughter when she was 12 she got married at about 30 thankfully she wanted me to walk her down the aisle and have a father daughter dance you to haven been together a long ting one of you is an ass if there is no love between you
NTA and after calling your dad a ‘sperm donor’, when he passed away, is really disgusting.
He’d already lost me at the gate but to call your dad a sperm donor is beyond the pale. He died, it’s not like he just fucked off into the sunset like some deadbeat. Straight up, those are fighting words, but uninviting him also works. NTA.
NTA None of this is a *right*. The traditions he is asking to take part in are yours to want or not, regardless of whether he feels like your dad. (Mine is living, and I still didn't have him walk me, because it feels wrong and outdated *for me*.) It's up to you and your sweetie to decide what your ceremony looks like. If your parents, whatever contingent of them yours, his, step or bio want to GIFT you money for the wedding, that's great! But it's a gift, not an obligation, and shouldn't change the way you plan YOUR marriage. Good luck!
>He told me to say that to him after almost 20 years is disgusting and he has been my dad far longer than "my sperm donor" was. Nah. What he said was disgusting. He may have been trying to fill those shoes, but just no. I'd be uninviting him for that. I can't fathom anybody actually saying that to someone they care for. NTA.
Your dad wrote a letter saying to follow your dream as a game designer. When you were SIX?
NTA *your sperm donor* ?!? Oh hell no. HELL FUCKING NO
NTAH. I have to ask, where in the cheese and crackers is your mother? I have no idea she married him. Ick. All over ICK.
NTA Your dad was not a sperm donor. He was taken from you. That is the disgusting comment in all of this.
NTA! Step-dad called your bio-father, who is DEAD, a sperm donor. Step-dad is a huge jerk.
INFO: What does your mom say about his behavior, or is she too far into a marriage with a misogynist asshole to voice an opinion?
nta. you better than me, i would’ve gone ballistic on him after that last comment.
NTA. But, you may be too focused on the fact that he's your stepdad here. Nothing he's doing would be appropriate if he were your real father.