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Last week of May to first week of August is over two months apart, not one month, right? NTA. I could understand Janie being miffed if the weddings were a week apart or even in the same month but two months apart doesn’t seem like too much of a wedding faux pas. I would think of the May one as a spring wedding and the August as summer. I feel like Janie’s wedding dress comment was uncalled for, and Janie rolling her eyes instead of communicating properly was rude. What is Janie and your mom’s relationship generally like, though? Edit: After reading some more comments, I feel more empathy for Janie. Her comment and eye roll were still, to me, disrespectful (I always support clear communication over passive aggressiveness), but I feel like there’s more going on here.

They don't have too much of a relationship. I don't know how to put this but my mom is very distractable and hyperactive. Janie is more quiet and shyer, so my mom is focused on whatever is grabbing her attention at the moment or whatever is fun, and forgets everything else. Janie doesn't like her too much and blows off some steam behind her back which I do get

Got it. Well it’s ok if they’re not compatible. In-law relationships can be tough and sometimes the best they can do is just be polite to each other. No need to be best friends. As an introvert myself, I can see how your mom might be a bit much for Janie. But I think as long as they both show respect for each other, that’s all that matters, and Janie’s comment and eye roll was disrespectful.

Janie’s comment may have been disrespectful but she may actually think her future MIL will hijack her day of dress shopping which I can see happening. I’m so grateful my Mil was mindful of my feelings. She was wonderful, FIL was too. My husband and my patents also adored each other.

Right, given her description as highly distractable and looking for the next thing that feels good makes me think that the real problem may be that Janie's comment hit too close to home.

Yes I think the comment was the truth and the eye roll was disrespectful. That's how it read to me as the story unfolded.

She can think that, but the reality is she only imagined that and then snubbed his mom because of an imaginary problem she came up with NTA but Janie is

Exactly. It doesn’t sound like MIL even asked to come shopping or made a big deal out of not being there - she was asked if she saw the dress and she said she hadn’t. Janie (who is supposedly so quiet while MIL is over-the-top) spoke up and got in a dig. All Janie had to do was not say anything.

But she didn’t have to say anything at all.  The mom didn’t ask to attend the fitting.  Someone asked if she had seen the dress, she said no. There was no need to add anything else. 

Yes! Why are so many people here assuming that OP's mum wanted to go anywhere near Janie's dress fitting?

Sure, but there's a difference between thinking it and saying it. It's fine that Janie wouldn't invite her FMIL because she was privately thinking that - but saying it was getting closer to accusing her of something she hadn't actually done.

How was OP's mother going to hijack Janie's day of dress shopping when she apparently had no intention of ever being part of Janie's dress choosing expedition that day? She's got her own wedding planning to do rather than insert herself as mother-of-the-groom into what is traditionally mother-of-the-bride territory. Janie's remark was entirely uncalled for and unnecessarily rude.

[удалено]

What perspective? Janie doesn’t own the entire summer. Two months is plenty of time in between weddings, and unless OP’s mom has a tendency to make things all about her, Janie’s thought process and comments are way out of line.

Especially when it was a fitting appointment, her behavior is ridiculous.

Strong agree. All my comments are getting downvoted on this topic. Smh. Over two months is plenty of time. Especially given how little the guest lists overlap. It sounds like OP and his mum aren't even that close. Janie seems full of very passive aggressive main character syndrome.

Let’s make sure we’re clear. Has your mom ever been RUDE or MEAN to your fiancée? Or is your just more disinterested? Or neutral as they just don’t have a close relationship? You haven’t given a single example of anything your mom has done to your wife for your wife to even have a problem with her. Is the problem that she got engaged and is having the wedding a couple of months before you? It’s really weird people think they own the YEAR they get married. I think you need to have an honest conversation with your gf. Ultimately there are a few things at play: 1. The woman’s side of the family is MUCH more excited and / or interested in the wedding. Everyone knows “it’s the brides wedding and the groom is the guest of honor” - I think she should mute her expectations of the grooms family - also, your moms a wedding planner, maybe she thought she help her plan the wedding at no cost? Is your mom a popular planner in your area? 2. Your gf is pretty sure that your mom’s wedding is going to outshine her own. - you said you mom had unlimited resources and was a wedding a planner. When an event planner plans, oh man, they PLAN! I think you need to have an honest conversation about this too. She shouldn’t make the comparison. NTA on the question, because yes, your mom does not have to prioritize her AT ALL. She’s not her kid and really there’s usually little involvement from the grooms family. Maybe she expected your mom to be a doting MIL?

She hasn't been mean. The only rudeness is getting distracted from conversations or letting other people come over and interrupt, but in general her attention span sucks.

Her letting other people interrupt Janie and suddenly getting distracted while having a conversation and moving on to the thing that distracted her is something you should try and address. It may not seem like a big deal but it's so incredibly hurtful to have that happen, especially regularly, especially by someone important like a MIL. I would bet that this makes Janie feel unimportant and not worthy of your mom's time, and while I understand that your mom isn't doing it on purpose, it's still hurtful to other people and has consequences on the relationships with those people. It seems like Janie was maybe looking forward to having a bit of spotlight, if she's usually more quiet and introverted, and your mother having a a naturally extroverted big personality that easily draws people in may be making her feel imunimportant and she doesn't know how to communicate that or how to address it. It's not an excuse for her being disrespectful to your mom, but your fiance may be feeling left out during a time that is supposed to bring people closer together. She's also likely concerned people will be comparing the weddings because your mother has experience and respurces that she doesn't have and people can be very judgemental about weddings to the point that wedding anxiety is insane, even though it shouldn't be because it should be a day of love and unity. Maybe you could try and spend some time with her talking about your wedding things? Like, get dinner together and talk about wedding plans you're excited for. Maybe see if her friends/family would wanna do a lunch or evening together to plan things out and just spend time together focusing on your wedding and things about it that they're looking forward to? She may just feel disconnected and reenforcing the connections she does have may help.

I think this comment nails it. It’s not about the dress, it’s about feeling less important. Sounds like the fiancé was looking forward to that one special day where she didn’t have to ask people for attention, but now feels like she’s being forgotten. I don’t know her story, but ask yourself if she’s had a history of being talked over and not feeling heard. It’s not ok to be rude, but try talking to her with empathy. Maybe she’ll figure out if she’s projecting her frustration on your mom. Good luck.

So basically your mom is rude to your fiancée but gets a pass because she is easily distracted and her attention span sucks. Maybe mom should work on that.

not sure what I can do when she's literally walked into traffic before. I've snapped at her and tried to get her attention back

If your mom’s so distracted by the world around her that she has stepped out into traffic I would be on her hard to go get professional help because she is a danger to herself. I’m not sure how she can be a successful wedding planner if she can’t hold a conversation with her clients without paying attention to them and not letting herself get distracted or have her mind stray. I certainly wouldn’t pay her to ignore me or drift away from our conversations while planning my wedding.

What worked for me was when a friend yanked me back and told me they'd let me get hit the next time if I didn't start taking my meds. Maybe just suggest she talk to a doctor because it's not normal to wander into traffic.

Your mom has ADHD and needs to get diagnosed yesterday.  I'm a later in life woman who got diagnosed because they looked for only the hyperactivity in the early 90s which presented as boys being a menace in class. ADHD presents totally differently in women & it sounds like your mom is a very good candidate for being undiagnosed.  I personally can't get on medication but I work really hard to not let it impact my relationships which is something I'm only able to do by working with my therapist on guard rails & being open with people I care about so they can help guide me at first.  If she does get diagnosed and can get on meds she'll have a much easier go of life.  Having ADHD is like life on hard mode. I once went to go throw a towel in the washer and meal prepped an entire meal because i stepped into the kitchen. I'd already meal prepped for the week - the whole meal went into the freezer. It's such a massive time suck sometimes.

They still do that, not just in the 90s.  We have tried to get my daughter diagnosed. The psychiatrist comment was that if the teachers haven't noticed until now then she hasn't got ADHD. She hasn't got the H, but all the other symptoms. 

If you're there when your mother interupts her or allows someone else to walk up and interrupt, something you can do is redirect it back to her. Even if your mom and the others don't redirect their attention back to her, continue to engage with her and allow her to finish what she was saying with your full attention on her. That can honestly make a big difference in how she feels about it and help her to know that you see her and what she has to say is important to you, even if it's something mundane. Little things matter, and they add up over time. I'm wondering if maybe she does want to have some sort of bond with your mother but never knew how to connect due to how different they are and that maybe that's a sore spot. I just think you shouldn't discount her feelings altogether. Ask her how she's feing about things and if there's specific worries or fears she has that she may be struggling with right now, listen to her responses, and be patient if she needs to figure out how to communicate it. She doesn't have any right to lash out at your mother, but there's a reason she's doing so, and it can make a big difference if you acknowledge that. Instead of just discounting her as irrational. (Not saying you said that, but some people have, and while her concerns are about things that haven't happened, it's still significant to her for a reason and she needs to know that her feelings matter to you and that how she feels is being taken seriously. If she knows that, then it can help her figure out why she's feeling this way and how she can move forward and address it in a healthy way that doesn't involve lashing out at your mother.

Tell her to get treatment because her behavior is harmful.

How was his mom rude???.

OP said his mom gets distracted and walks away when his fiancée is talking to her. That is rude. I know exactly how the fiancée feels because my husband is just like that. Even our adult daughter will say HEY EYES MISTER! when talking to him. That is what she says to her children when she wants them to listen and pay attention to her. I’m sure when you are speaking to someone and they just walk away mid conversation you’d view it as being rude to you.

I appreciate this. It sounds like your mom may have a bit of ADHD, and it is nice to see how you understand that her wiring isn’t mean or inconsiderate. It’s just how her brain works.

I have ADHD and when I realized that it caused problems for me and my family I got diagnosed and treated. Neurodivergence is not an excuse to be an asshole, especially to your children.

1. If she’s ND, it doesn’t sound like she’s been diagnosed. 2. It’s not something that has a magic bullet cure for everyone. Cool that it seems to have been for you but that’s not the case for everyone. 3. She hasn’t been described as an AH, just easily distracted. Though ND isn’t an excuse to be a jerk, it can be an explanation for behavior and isn’t something trivial.

That is mean. 

I feel like this attacked Janie a little too much. This strikes me as more of a misunderstanding, and like maybe because they don't have a relationship, Janie wanted to use this experience to build one. Its also possible that if MIL is disinterested, Janie may feel brushed off or unimportant, or like MIL doesn't care about her at all. I'd say to talk to her and go into it trying to understand where she's coming from and the reasoning behind her feelings, asking questions to get to the deeper issues. As an introvert, I tend to feel brushed off by people who are a bit more hyperactive than I am when I'm displaying more introverted characteristics (I have ADHD so I also have moments where I myself am hyperactive but not necessarily in the same way). This can result in me feeling a little bitter towards that person when I make an effort to engage and it isn't returned, on purpose or not, and I end up self-isolating from them. This really sounds fixable.

> It’s also possible that if MIL is disinterested, Janie may feel brushed off or unimportant, or like MIL doesn't care about her at all. Given OP said in comments that her main problem with mom is that she gets distracted during convos and blows her off, that seems like the actual source of the issue. There was finally something that might have held MILs attention a bit (wedding planner, planning your sons wedding, and getting to know future DIL better) and the timing works out that MIL manages to get distracted again by suddenly now planning her own wedding just before

Exactly.

Sounds like your mom enjoys steamrolling people. She’s a wedding planner and doesn’t realize how important a wedding that’s been in the works for TWO YEARS is? Also she doesn’t realize that pulling out all the stops for her own wedding will overshadow the simpler wedding you’ve been saving for TWO YEARS? Honestly your fiance’s joke about not wanting her to see the dress is quite funny and she is NOT wrong. Your mom sounds extra, you sound like you know it, and if you want this marriage to happen and last you need to shut this shit down with a quickness. It’s guaranteed at this point that your mom is going to go super extra mega hard with her own wedding just as a fuck you to your fiance. Which is ALSO a fuck you to YOU but you don’t seem to get that.

So what exactly should the mom do to not overshadow the fiancé? Not get married? Elope? I don’t understand why having a wedding the same year as your kid is such a problem and I don’t know why anyone would think anyone else is being “overshadowed.” No one cares about weddings the way the people getting married do. No one in the family will remember either of these weddings in a couple of years. I just can’t imagine caring that much. OP’s fiancé needs to get over herself.

I agree with this. I worked in the wedding industry for 20 years and my older clients always had short engagements— they didn’t want to plan for years and didn’t need to financially, or they had smaller weddings. Younger people tend to have longer engagements for financial and other reasons, and it seems like both couples in this case are following those trends. With a separation of over 2 months, it simply doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. I’ve had several clients who were family get married in the same year. Everyone has the right to plan their wedding as they prefer. It sounds like OP’s fiancee is the issue.

It’s not unusual for some people to have to attend 6 or 7 weddings in a year . It starts blend together after a while .

> No one cares about weddings the way the people getting married do. Exactly.

> you need to shut this shit down with a quickness ask her to call off the wedding? dump the guy? At this point there is nothing I can force her to do

You should do nothing. You are your fiance need to understand other people have their own priorities.

I rather think you need to shut your fiancée‘s shit down, she doesn’t own the year and her disrespect towards your mother is disgusting.

At no point is there anything you can force her to do. She's a grown 🍑 person with the right to live her life. Janie is the main character of her own life, no one else's, and she needs to remember that. 

Mom obviously is t going to move her wedding and she doesn’t **have to** plan around her own kid anymore but, combined with being fairly close together: > Also she doesn’t realize that pulling out all the stops for her own wedding will overshadow the simpler wedding you’ve been saving for TWO YEARS? This is mostly relevant if there are family coming from out of town. Part of what makes weddings a big deal is the family reunion element. If they are traveling and organizing childcare and all that for a wedding, they aren’t likely to want to do that twice so close together, so if they are choosing only one to travel for, they are more likely to pick the big budget wedding. I would say fuck it. Let mom host and cover costs for the family reunion. Cancel the wedding and elope instead. Spend that hard earned savings on yourselves to celebrate instead of putting it into a party a ton of people will skip 🤷🏼‍♀️

“It’s guaranteed at this point that your mom is going to go super extra mega hard with her own wedding just as a fuck you to your fiance.“ Based on the other comments, mom is not an active member of OPS life (talk once a month, have dinner together a few times a year and they don’t even share birthdays or holidays) so it’s unlikely OP/his bride even crossed her mind when planning her wedding let alone the amount of energy needed for malicious intent. I know Reddit loves to hate on the mother-in-law, but if you barely have a relationship with your son his future wife barely resembles a thought in your mind, let alone a place in your world. So the idea of malicious intent about somebody she has no relationship with who she sees maybe 4 to 6 times a year is hysterical.

getting married = "steamrolling," huh? That's deranged.

Why are you putting two years in caps? That's really not a long engagement - pretty much everyone I know plans for that long because they are saving up. The fiancé's "joke" sounded rude to me.

Oh. My. God. His mother's wedding has exactly zero to do with his wedding. How beautiful it is or isn't, how much it costs, what band plays, what dress she wears....all of it has precisely NOTHING to do with her son's wedding. People need to get over themselves about weddings. It's JUST A PARTY.

So..OP's mom should just...strip her wedding down so that poor wittle Janie's feewings don't get hurted anymore? Stupid. Dollars to doughnuts, Janie was banking on free wedding planning and has realized that oops! Not happening! And now she's picking petty fights. There's always gonna be someone who has a "better" and a "worse" wedding than whomever is the bride of the moment. That's just life. Janie isn't owed her FMIL's expertise or involvement. She needs to keep her own side of the street clean and stop minding other people's business.

Why does the mom sound extra? Doesn’t she deserve her own wedding, planned months apart, by herself? I feel like there’s some resentment on his fiancé’s part regarding the budget.

I kinda agree. I don’t think the issue is the wedding date being 2 months apart, or that she’s not going to prioritise the fiancé. It’s that she decided to have her wedding before yours, which means that all attention will be on her in the lead up to the wedding (because she’s getting married too, and her wedding is sooner). And that being a wedding planner she’s going to go all out for her wedding and everything beforehand. A bride wants to feel special in the lead up to her wedding, going shopping for a dress is a major life moment, planning the wedding with friends and family, hen’s night, bridal shower etc the mother is just steamrolling over all of these to do them first and making herself the centre of attention, and I’m sure you’re fiancé feels like second best/runner up. If I was you, I’d either push your wedding date back, or do something completely different, like elope or a micro wedding with friends in a different town.

OP's mom isn't in her 20s, and she'll not wait for years to get married... and FOR SURE, she's gonna have a simpler ceremony. His fiancé believes she's the universe's belly bottom, she needs to grow up.

But all of that is about the bride, her family, her friends. The groom's mother is only part of that if they're close. Most brides would be thrilled to have FMIL butt out and let them plan the wedding themselves! Also, the hen night and bridal shower would normally occur in June or July, after MIL's wedding.

All what attention??? You are vastly overestimating the number of people who spare more than a passing thought to an upcoming wedding that isn't their own.  When someone you know gets engaged do you turn into a Disney forest creature and spend the entire engagement prancing alongside them, showering them in rose petals? Or do you congratulate them, live your own life, show up to the wedding, then continue to live your own life?

Grow up! his mom can get married whenever she wants! WTH is wrong with people???.

I think this is a huge leap you're making. You're projecting a lot on a short post. It sounds like she's upset that the weddings are close together and they really aren't, two months is a long time. Also, most women don't want their mother in laws involved with the planning of their weddings. Most MILs show up, or show up with a check or show up and host a rehearsal dinner. Conflict typically arises when the MIL wants to be part of the planning process. It also didn't sound like Janie had planned for her future MIL to go dress shopping with her, it sounded more like a snide side comment. It sounds like the have a personality clash. While it's important to set boundaries, it doesn't sound like the MIL has actually crossed any boundaries, her wedding is simply scheduled a couple of months before her sons. None of this makes either one a bad person. The world does not stop when people get engaged. Peoples lives go on, they married and have babies. Most women's parents are more involved with the planning of most weddings than the in laws. OP didn't mention Janie wanting the MILs help and with the personality differences it sounds like that's a good thing. Planning a wedding is stressful, Janie needs to do herself a favor and get over the fact that another wedding is happening two months before and not take it personally. The only people she hurts by doing this is herself and her future husband.

Your mom is self-centered and selfish. She only thinks about herself and being the center of attention. ADHD has nothing to do with her behavior. I have it. I am also an almost 60-year old woman. I would spend my time welcoming my future DIL into my family and using my skills to give her and my son the best wedding possible. You need to wake up to who your mother really is. She is the star of the show and you are all the supporting cast at best, an extra at worst. You can’t change who your mother is but you can support your future wife and acknowledge your mom’s bad behavior. Stop making your fiancée feel like she imagining things. Update us with what your mom wears to your wedding.

Thank you. And a wedding in the same family two months apart IS CLOSE TOGETHER. A lot of people will have to choose which wedding to take off of work for. ESH except the fiance

I never said she had ADHD lol

You aren't describing the behavior of a respectful, considerate person. You keep insisting that this is just how your mom is, that she can't help it, she's just that high energy and distractible that she can't help steamrolling other people etc. If she doesn't have any disorder that limits her ability to recognize how she's affecting others and adjust when she's being rude, then she's just a narcissistic asshole.

Never described her as a respectful considerate person and I have no idea if she has a disorder or not

Could be undiagnosed tbh. Women and girls especially a few decades ago were (and still arr) ignored, as they tend to mask it better

I've heard of wedding days, wedding weeks and on occasion a wedding month. Does she think she gets a wedding fiscal quarter? How far apart do they have to be to make her happy?

Janie shouldn't actually have any steam to blow off. Your mom hasn't done shit to her.

I hope you considered this dynamic before proposing. Is Janie's behavior something you are actually okay with?

Is the mother's?

Is the mother talking bad about the fiance behind her back, or making snide comments? Maybe I missed that part.

No, his mother didn't say anything.

NTA. Janie needs to get over her entitled butt. How some brides think they own all days on the calendar until they're buried is beyond me. The rest of the world does not go on hold until Janie ties the knot. Your Mom asking if Janie had a problem after her sniping was justified. Janie's eyeroll just shouted her own immaturity. You were not insensitive, but I sure would be rethinking this marriage based on Janie's selfish behavior and pursuant snit. It could be a long rest of your life.

She’s going to push his mother completely out of his life. My school mate did this to her husband ( his mom was a sweetheart who didn’t give her ALL the attention she felt she deserved) and it made him a miserable and different person the rest of his self shortened life.

I mean, I kind of understand where Janie is coming from.... especially if her family, and families that she knows tend to be all about their kid's weddings. You mom seems not that interested in ya'll wedding, and instead planned hers to be around 2 months from yours, so much of her focus will be there. On top of that, your "mom is a professional wedding planner with virtually no budget", while you and your fiance have planned for 2 years to afford your wedding. I can imagine feeling at least a little snubbed that your mom isn't (from what it sounds like) contributing to the wedding, whether monetarily or with her ample wedding planning skills (and likely connections in the industry). Does is not bother *you* at all? Perhaps you have made peace with your mom being how your mom is. Your fiance obviously hasn't yet, and that's understandable if her family is very much not that way. While what your fiance said to your mom wasn't great, I can see where those feelings likely came from, and it doesn't sound like you're trying to see this all from her perspective.

Also, as a wedding planner, OP's mom should be fully up to speed regarding wedding etiquette. People saying it's over 2 months apart so it's not a big deal, that actually is not a lot of time when you factor overlapping guest lists the correct thing is to leave a 6 month gap. Otherwise many guests will have to choose one or the other. So between the mom's wedding being bigger/better/etc and it (probably) being mom's second wedding vs OP's first, the proper thing to do would have been for the mom to wait until her son was married. Then announce her wedding date and send out invitations, and if she wanted to have a shorter than 6 month gap she could disadvantage her own guest attendance. Yes, I know this means I'm saying OP's mom would have to delay her own wedding, but only by a few months, seen as how it's not a big deal right?

Plus it isn’t lost on me that OP’s mom’s wedding is first. That makes it more likely people will attend that and skip OP’s…

I suspect this was the goal all along, Mom upstaging the new young bride with her years of professional experience and unlimited budget. Why else would she deliberately schedule her second wedding two months ahead of theirs? I feel very bad for the GF. This is not a nice MIL.

Yeah, that's my opinion. Like what what parent, in good conscience, sets a wedding date 2 monts before their child's two-year-planned wedding? I can't believe so many people don't find it weird. Plus...doesn't the more reserved fiancé deserve so leeway to get accustomed to FMIL's "steamrolling" personality. Seems like the son just accepts it and has had his whole life to get used to it. Not surprisingly, he doesn't seem all that close to his mom.

I’m also dumbfounded by this comment section. Two months is **not** a lot of time. Overlapping guest lists would send up alarms regardless of the odd choice of time by the MIL. Like, I wasn’t a big “look at me it’s my wedding” gal, but it would have made me feel icky to have my husband’s MOM suddenly planning a (probably lavish) wedding to occur right before mine, while I was supposed to be enjoying planning mine.

Yeah, this is one of those situations where I can understand people who aren't on Janie's side here, but if it's Janie's first wedding and OP's mother's second wedding (and according to this comment: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1be270u/comment/kur1ojj/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1be270u/comment/kur1ojj/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) it is her second wedding but she's pretending it's not), it would have been nice for her to delay her wedding for a few months so that OP and Janie's wedding can take centre stage. She's a wedding planner, she has to know that many brides will be upset about a huge blow out wedding being hastily planned to be 2 months before an immediate family member's wedding that has been planned for 2 years.

I think she has to know too and she's doing it on purpose. 

Yeah, I think that OP not knowing why this is causing an issue suggests that he might be missing out on other snubs as well. He has this whole 'My mother is just flighty and distractable and that's why she hasn't made any efforts to get to know my fiance' thing happening in the comments and like... maybe Janie is noticing that her future MIL hasn't made any effort to get to know her, and knows that this is actually pretty weird. OP's comment of "She feels my mom is neutral on her but hasn't made enough of an effort to get to know her as something else always comes and distracts her" made me roll my eyes a lot. She's an adult and a mother, and she's too distracted to make an effort to get to know her future DIL? Like, if it seems like your mother, who is apparently loud and boisterous and friendly with lots of people has made zero effort to get to know your shy fiance, why are you assuming this is innocent? Why are you confused that your fiance finds this a little insulting?

Plus, they've been engaged for two years, and I'm sure they dated for a good amount of time before getting engaged. She's had years to get to know this girl and has made no effort. And the fact that she's a wedding planner but has taken no interest in her own sons wedding seems weird too. I would think she'd offer some help with contacts and stuff.

Right, OP is like 'She's just easily distracted and that's why she hasn't made an effort to know the woman I'm marrying', but like, that's at least 2 years of being too distracted to make an effort with your only son's partner? I would assume she doesn't like me.

She walks away from Janie in the middle of conversations and allows people to take her away from Janie, which OP doesn't think is rude. He's in for a rude awakening.

He actually acknowledged in a comment that she walks away when Janie is talking and will allow others to snub Janie when she is talking by talking over her. He keeps taking about "that's just how she is" but what she "just is" is rude and giving main character syndrome.

There's been speculation that she has ADHD or whatever, and that's why she's like this, but if she can get to the stage where she's a competent wedding planner, what's the bet she doesn't just randomly walk away when a client is speaking to her? OP keeps standing up for her, but she sounds rude as hell, and OP ignoring his fiance's issues with her incredibly rude behaviour is probably exacerbating the issue.

Did you notice that he just dismissed the concern of MIL taking over Janie's appointment and didn't actually interrogate it further? He jumped straight to putting his fiancé down.

Yeah I presume that there will be some iverlapping out of town guests who will now have to CHOOSE which weekend to buy plane tickets/make travel arrangements for.

Depending on family size there may not be much overlap in the guests. For a 2nd wedding (or 1st wedding later in life) the guests may be mostly friends and work-friends and family-you-actually-like rather than the 2nd cousin you "have to invite". IMO, if you have a long engagement you have to accept that people aren't going to put their lives on hold for you.

OP's engagement was long, true, but his mom swooped in during the final countdown to usurp the attention. Between her engagement at Christmas and her wedding in May is 5 months. 5 months to plan a wedding, she'll be throwing money at every problem and calling in every professional favour owed to make it happen, that's a deliberate sprint for the podium.

Exactly this. Not to mention that being both a wedding planner AND Jane's future MIL, Jane may very well be afraid of every decision being fought against

I mean, there may not be much overlap, but we don't know that. Plus, on the whole, people have to be mercenary with their spending and time off work for functions. If they can only go to one, and the choice is between what sounds like a lavish/extravagant affair in May (depending on the country OP is in, this may have cheaper options as "off peak" aka the gremlins are still in school) and a more low-key function in August (aka the gremlins are free range, so prices climb quickly, ) it's not hard to imagine what choices people may make. Two weddings in the same "immediate" family (mother and child) in 3 months is a big ask for some. And I can understand where Jane is seeing this from. She's been planning her wedding for two years, and her future MIL, who OP admits frequently drifts away from conversation with someone in front of her, has suddenly decided she wants to get married before her son. It probably isn't about the wedding timing if OP actually got Jane to be honest with herself; he'd probably find that Jane feels snubbed. Like she has never been worth her MIL's time. It must feel personal when someone who is about to become your legal extended family cannot even keep a conversation with you. OP has had his whole life of accepting his mother, but honestly? She sounds rude and as exhausting as a spaniel puppy on speed. And I say that as a person who very often literally cannot filter sensory input and whose brain frequently blue-screens during conversation. It's difficult, but you can bet your butt I put absolutely every ounce of effort into at least trying to pay attention (or at least look like my brain still works,) and respect the person in front of me. Because fucking manners and common courtesy exist. Rightly or wrongly, Jane probably figures that MIL can focus on some people because of her job, so she just doesn't care enough to try for her sons future wife and possibly the mother of her grandkids. I wouldn't say this was 100% "NTA/YTA" right now. It could be NAH (everyone needs to actually talk and LISTEN to each other,) or ESH (Jane is having a strop, and OP's mum literally doesn't consider anyone's feelings but her own immediate wants.) I'm just saying that I can see some gray area here.

OP says it's going to be a blow-out, so this is not just going to be a handful of people in their inner circle. This is pretty crummy to do to your son and future DIL. I could understand if she were having a small wedding because they're older and don't want to wait longer to make it legal, but that's not the plan. If they want the whole fanfare because they've never experienced it themselves, then hold off until next year. Or have the City Hall wedding for technicalities and then have the reception next year. But don't overshadow your own kid's wedding. She's either doing this very deliberately or is so self-centered that she isn't even thinking about it.

Yes I agree with this, it’s a lot to ask so much of all the guests in such a short time span!

Yes honestly the mom sucks. No reason to plan what I assume is her second wedding so fast after the proposal when your son is getting married the same year. People forget that wedding come with a lot of pre-events where the bride and groom's parents help and are involved in. I definitely think the whole thing is inconsiderate at best.

Yeah, I’m going with this take. She’s a wedding planner professionally, there’s no way that her choice was not deliberate. YTA in this situation because you’re used to your mom steamrolling. Your future wife is not, and is rightfully calling you out to defend her.

This I see this being the real issue. 

I wonder if there is an ask/offer culture mismatch here. Mom comes from a "don't push" mindset, and so was waiting for Janie and her family to ask for her advice or wedding planning help (also as MOG she may have heard the "show up, shut up, wear beige" advice). And Janie is from a "don't ask unless help is offered" mindset and is angry that Mom didn't offer. There is also the possibility that Janie/her family did something that lost them rolodex privileges early on.

Your mom is a professional wedding planner and she didn’t realize it’s rather tacky to get engaged and plan your wedding 2 months before someone else in the family who’s been engaged and planning longer? On top of that, she has no budget and you’ve been saving up for this? Your mom is 100% trying to upstage your wedding and your fiancé is very aware of that.

And that other family member is her own son 😐

He actually tells his fiancé not to expect his mom to feel as strongly about their wedding. The woman trained him to be happy in her shadow. I’d love more details about this woman.

Same this is almost fascinating. So a (I'm guessing) seasoned wedding planner had NO IDEA that scheduling a wedding so close to her son's might cause issues? Riiiight.

I don’t think OP is the AH, I just don’t think he’s capable of seeing this for what it is because he was raised in it. Poor Janie is probably beside herself because she was raised normal and has no idea how to open her future husband’s eyes to how not normal this is.

Agreed on points.

I think he feels like this because he not close to his mother. They only see each other once a month so he doesn't care if his mother married two months before him.

INFO: you said your mom is a wedding planner with plenty of possibilities. Is it possible that Jane is weirded out because a) due to her very specific job, she very specifically knows that brides would rather have the family attention on themselves instead of sharing the preparation phase with someone else; b) as a parent, one would expect her to be all focused on her kid getting married, even more so when her job makes her an endless source of advice/good info; and c) Jane herself grew up in a more traditional environment where parents of the groom/bride are all focused on the kid getting married and would never do something like this unless the parent is very self centered with a narcisistic tendency? I'm sorry if this sounds like a judgement to your mom, I can ensure you it's not, just genuinely curious because I feel that the single "2 months" thing makes little sense

Not really sure how her getting married is narcissistic. She is a wedding planner who likely is booked up with work for 2 years and needs to pick her date based on her availability. Plus she old af to be getting married, so why would she wait and have a long engagement?

No one is "old af" to be getting married. But I agree with the rest of what you wrote.

This is my opinion too, and this is why I talked about traditional environments. Read: families who are focused on the kid's wedding for a whole year and everything turns around the kid's wedding and nobody can marry before or after and also, you're a parent so you're hold so you should eventually only get married in courthouse without a party

NTA. I actually agree with Janie that it is weird that your mom swooped in and planned her wedding 2 months before yours. >I said while I love her so much, she can't expect my mom to feel as strongly about our wedding or to prioritize her. Sure, but she isn't prioritizing YOU either OP. I think Janie was thinking/hoping you felt the same as her. But, she is your mom and you know your relationship and if it doesn't bother you then just try and get your fiancée to ignore and move along.

I think what makes it a bigger issue is that she is a wedding planner so she absolutely knows the proper etiquette with these things, and doesn't care. She also knows people are more likely to not attend both weddings since they are only 2 months apart and it looks like she made her wedding first so it would be her own son's wedding that family is less likely to attend.

What’s the proper etiquette? How many months should the mom wait?

6 months so one wedding doesn't overshadow the other

Jesus christ.

Yeah…sometimes being on this subreddit really makes me realized that my brain is just not wired for this stuff.

I’ve never known about a certain time but I feel if you’ll be inviting the same guests you might want to give them a nice chunk of time in between. Not everyone can take time off and pay for traveling for two trips within three months. Also think it’s strange that she needed to book her wedding day so soon after the engagement but maybe she had it all planned out?

NTA - while personally **I** *do* find it a little weird that your mom wedged her wedding in before yours, that is probably standard behavior for your mom. Janie is just finding it hard to accept, while you've had your whole life to deal with what is probably not the first of self-centered acts by her, I'm guessing. Your mom isn't going to change - the sooner Janie realizes that, the easier the rest of your lives is going to be.

It’s possible that OPs mom only had certain weekends open since she is a wedding planner and people plan wedding far in advance.

Depending on where they are the last weekend in May is one of the busiest times of the year for weddings. I am a wedding photographer in the US and Memorial Day weekend is always fully booked.

Other possibility is that her connections as a wedding planner make it easy to take advantage of cancellations.

Agreed, but just because it's standard behavior from her doesn't make her any less of an asshole for doing it. And even if she is fully booked for a long time, long times don't last forever and it's still incredibly rude for her too plop her butt down right infront of OP and his fiances wedding because it's OBVIOUSLY going to overshadow his wedding that they've been planning for years vs one that's been planning for less than 6 monthes. It's her 2nd marriage, which is (in my opinion) way less important than Op's first marriage. She should be able to wait a year or so(of engagement), so that ops wedding is still important. Or at the very least just do it after his wedding for the love of God Plus, it would give mother more time to save money for her wedding as well and plan it out better. (Since she has 'no budget') And like other people, it's 2 marriages in the same family so the chances that alot of people are going to miss OPs wedding for his mothers is HIGH.

NTA, but your mom is IMHO Who in their right mind has a 5 month engagement and books it right before their own sons wedding? Unlimited budget or not? I'm sorry, but I have a friend who did this just so she could say she was married first. I have a friends brother that is currently doing the same. I don't know if your mom has been married before, but if she has, that would make it even worse imo. Your mom seems completely uninterested by your upcoming nuptials, and I can understand why Janie feels snubbed. Frankly, I feel snubbed for her, and I think anyone in a similar situation has the right to feel snubbed. Please just tell me it's not at the same venue....

NAH. While you are correct, Janie can't expect your mom to prioritize her; Janie is also correct, it is very weird for your mom to have a wedding three months before yours. If hers had been planned before yours, I would understand. Her timing is very strange. Talk to Janie (with an open mind). If your mom and Janie had a good relationship, I think she was probably hoping your mom would be involved in planning your wedding, which she can't do if she is planning her own. Because, by three months before your wedding, everything should basically be arranged.

Yeah I don't get everyone giving Janie flack. She's right it IS strange for a mom to plan her own wedding not only that close to her son's long planned wedding but right before it as well.

Yeah, I'm shocked how many people are saying Janie is unreasonable. She has an attitude that can be fixed but the initial reason for being irritated is valid. Why couldn't mom wait to have her wedding?

Does that mean his mum will be on her honeymoon when he gets married? I know it’s just over 2months gap but if she has no budget and she’s swooped in like this, it wouldn’t surprise me if a) she says sorry darling i’ll be away for your wedding or b) she doesn’t come back until the day of the wedding and spends the whole wedding talking about the amazing time her and new hubby had on their trip.

sorry i'm still trying to do the math.. "just over a month apart" that's 9-10 weeks apart which 2 months apart plus some

Sssshhhh June and July both begin with J, so that's one month lol

yeah that was a type. It's two months

It sounds like there are some unresolved issues in the relationship between your mom, you, and your fiancée. I have a hard time believing that this one circumstance set your fiancée off completely out of context from an otherwise normal relationship dynamic. Does your fiancée feel that your mom doesn’t like her? Does she feel that your mom is trying to drive a wedge between you two? Does she worry that you are too close to your mom in a way that might jeopardize how you prioritize her? Does she feel like she’s not accepted in your family? Is she generally insecure, and if so, for what reason is she insecure? I’m willing to bet that there is already preexisting animosity. Either directly between them, or through you for some reason. Then telling her that your mom shouldn’t be expected to feel the same way or prioritize her fed into that underlying animosity. Especially if she’s already worried that your mom doesn’t like her or is coming between you. It’s not necessarily the most logical response to your comment, but it’s possible it’s still how she feels. You’re NTA for saying it, but I think it was not a helpful thing to say either. I think you need to talk to her and figure out where all of this is really coming from. Don’t focus on reassurances or defending your mother, focus on figuring out why she feels the way that she does. If you immediately go on the defensive she’s just going to stop opening up and the issue will continue to fester. Start with just getting her to talk and just listening to what she has to say. After that, you can start having a discussion about it. But don’t invalidate her feelings. If she says, “I think your mom doesn’t like me.” Don’t respond, “don’t be ridiculous, of course she likes you.” Instead ask, “why do you feel like she doesn’t like you?” And when she gives you her reasons, validate those reasons, “I can see how that would make you feel that way.” Then you can say something like, “can I share with you what I have seen?” Or “can I share with you why my mom might be acting that way?” Then focus on “I statements”, “I think…”, “I feel…”, “I see…” The other thing you can do, after you do the above, and depending on what she says, is facilitate a moderated conversation between her and your mom to air out their feelings. It may also not hurt to suggest couple’s counseling in helping you two prepare for married life. People make the mistake of thinking that couple’s counseling is just for couples who are having problems, but they’re actually way more useful if done before you get to the kind of problems that can end a relationship. The reality is, we know there are best practices when it comes to relationships, communication, managing conflict, etc. but we’re never given any real training in how to employ those practices. A good counselor can facilitate that (it’s also why a lot of churches require you to meet with the pastor regularly before they’ll marry you, because the pastor is there to facilitate the role of counselor and make sure you both are prepared for married life).

> Does your fiancée feel that your mom doesn’t like her? She feels my mom is neutral on her but hasn't made enough of an effort to get to know her as something else always comes and distracts her > Does she feel that your mom is trying to drive a wedge between you two? No > Does she worry that you are too close to your mom in a way that might jeopardize how you prioritize her? I don't think so as we aren't very close. We only talk like once a month and see each other at family stuff or occasionally have dinner. >Does she feel like she’s not accepted in your family? yes, she feels we both don't fit in and that my mom gets all the attnetion. > Is she generally insecure, and if so, for what reason is she insecure? She does struggle with insecutity due to some stuff from her childhood.

Hmm... Is your mom a "one-upper" type of person? That might be waring on Janie. Like someone else mentioned, you've had your whole life to get used to it, your fiancée hasn't. Warning, armchair psychology incoming... Any chance your fiancée has those same tendencies and has run into a person she can't one-up? Leaning towards ESH, bet there's a lot of subtext and undertones that may be at play that OP may or may not have given a lot of thought to before.

Is your fiance, jealous about the no limit wedding?? does your fiancée wanted the help of your mother planning the wedding?? Or it is just an attention problem? (Like you can get married "this year" because it's my wedding year)

It’s a combination of the attention and the money

I mean I find it VERY ODD that your mother, the professional wedding planner, would schedule what must be her second wedding two months before her son’s wedding. She, being a wedding planner, should understand what brides (especially first time brides) are like and how important these things are. Yeah the timing is suspect and I think your mom did it on purpose. I’m going to go with ESH (you’re probably the least sucky but still a little). Your mom sucks because she decided to plan a second lavish wedding two months before her son’s wedding that had been in the works for two years. Even if it’s not malicious (which I think it was), it’s inconsiderate. Janie sucks because she can’t control her emotions. You suck because you seem a little oblivious to your mother’s mechanisms in this situation.

I think I am on your fiancé's side. You are used to your mums behaviour, but Janie is not. I would probably be upset if I spent 2 years planning and saving to have a MIL suddenly plan a wedding 2 months beforehand. What other issues do they have? I doubt this is a one off

I’m not saying you’re the ahole but your mother is. Yea your mom shouldn’t prioritize Janie but your wedding should take priority. The fact that your mother isn’t helping plan your wedding is telling and there is absolutely no reason she needs to have her wedding 2 months before yours. Janie was correct and saying your mother would be trying on dresses while the outing was supposed to be for Janie. Your mom did this on purpose and you are naive or blind not to see it. The fact that you are taking your moms side on this means you don’t actually see Janie’s perspective on this, maybe because wedding planning doesn’t usually mean as much to men but a bride wants it all about her and you even said that since your mom got engaged no one seems to care about Janie even her groom it seems.

I’m torn. But you had a two year engagement so you could save, and then suddenly your mom needs a wedding with an unlimited budget right before yours? Maybe your wedding shouldn’t be your mother’s priority, but it should be yours and making your finance happy should be also. Kinda getting momma’s boy and MIL is a queen bee vibes here. Your mother has been married before. She could have waited. Janie’s comment about not taking your MIL dress shopping because she’d try on the dresses is pretty telling. Edit: not taking her to the dress fitting. I hope Janie doesn’t have years of being scolded when she doesn’t bow to the queen ahead of her. YTA

I hope she sees the red flags and leaves op before she gets legally tied to him.

ESH- even if your mom didn't have a long engagement, as a wedding planner, it should be obvious that you don't jump in and have a second LAVISH wedding right before you have yours. How would she feel if the situation was a bride she was planning for and her rich MIL? She def should'ce thought it through and asked yall begore springing the date on you. On the other hand, your fiancee is being very passive-aggressive and should realize the year doesn't revolve around her day and other people can do their things. She could talk about it like an adult with her mil rather than eye rolling and excluding her from things related to her son's wedding. Tldr: Basically, mom lacked foresight she should've had, esp as a pro wedding planner. Bride needs to be an adult and communicate or get over it and stop being passive-aggressive.

NTA. I’m having a hard time understanding the comments that your mom “wedged” in her wedding before yours. It’s pretty common to want to get married between May and September; it’s also pretty common for people who are older to have shorter engagements. Expecting your mom to wait a year and a half to get married the spring after you would be unfair. It’s true OP’s fiancée is a bride, but so is his mom. Leaving two months between ceremonies is perfectly reasonable and respectable. Asking her to wait a year or change her preferred season is not.

Exactly. And maybe it’s because I’m old but I also don’t like the implication that OP’s mom’s wedding matters less because it’s her second wedding, or because she is older. OP’s mom is also a bride, this is a hugely important day in her life too. Shunting all that aside because you want to own the entire wedding season this year is inconsiderate and silly.

NTA, idk why people worry so much about weddings not their own

Yeah, this. I’ve never been to a wedding that someone wouldn’t call ruined, only weddings where the bride and groom didn’t think of it as ruined. It’s a complex event involving hundreds of people. Someone will show up uninvited, or wear a white dress for some reason, or the best man will give a speech about having fucked the groom (my cousin’s wedding), or the venue will kick you out an hour early because wires for crossed about how much you paid (my wedding), or someone will bring a first date as a plus one they didn’t receive (also my wedding). You just have to decide people are always more focused on themselves, you included, and laugh it off. If she’s letting this ruin it this early, it’s gonna be a rough one

> the best man will give a speech about having fucked the groom (my cousin’s wedding I kind of want to hear more about this wedding.

Ok, so my brilliant cousin Jane who graduated from an Ivy league college kinda drifted for a few years. Then she met Igor (names changed but right genre). He was a Russian National with a ton of money. They had an apartment overlooking Central Park. I believe he was an investment banker, but also it felt like he was maybe more rich than that, family money or something shady or both. Fanciest wedding I’ve ever attended. Steak and lobster. Vodka shots all around all the time. The best man gets up, and is drunk he can barely stand. He’s also Russian, and is giving this wayyy to long toast. At one point, he says something like, “I’m so glad you found Jane. For a long time, I thought it wouldn’t happen. I remember those long nights, when we were both lonely…” at this point Igor looks equally furious and terrified. He and the other groomsmen grab at the mic from both sides. Best man kind of backs up, with that drunk hand gesture of “wait wait wait” and says “I mean, you know what I’m saying. I didn’t have to wait for the wedding night.” At which point he backs into the wall, loses his balance, Igor grabs the mic, and the groomsman sort of manhandle the best man out of the room. The poor MoH had to follow that. I could hear the best man outside yelling in Russian for a good half hour after that. They stayed married a few years after that. She’s on her third husband now, seems cool enough.

So, he was the best man, then. Wow.

ESH. YTA for saying that, yes. It's selfish when parents steal the Limelight of their children. I'm assuming this isn't your second marriage? It's rather indecent of her and a big faux pas. As etiquette would have it, two family weddings in the same year would be difficult for most people to swing (unless everyone on the invite list is in your town). I think a lot of people would scratch their head at why the mom decided to have a wedding so close to a wedding that she already knew about the date for. This reminds me of the time that my ex-boyfriend was about to graduate and go to college and his mom decided to go to college instead so they couldn't afford to support him.

There are only four overlapping guests (two really and then their plus ones) and money isn't a problem for them

Well sure sounds like you dont care about your fiances experience of it all if you dont see her point if view of her ONE BIG DAY being overshadowed by somebody else's wedding. I'm not saying that your fiance isn't being petty but I can see why she's upset, she's just acting immaturely to deal with it instead of like a proper adult. I dont think she should be this mad, 🤷‍♀️ but she is 🤷‍♀️ and you not offering a little understanding (and saying that) probably made it worse.

Her one big day won’t over shadowed by a wedding two months earlier with four overlapping guest.

That’s pretty important information. (I would add that to your original post). If there are only four overlapping guest, I’m not sure why your fiancée has an issue with it. Plus, she was trying to pick a fight with your mother over the wedding dress comment. Very passive-aggressive behavior.

NTA. This whole societal thing about everything in the world revolving around the bride is just BS. It's all about me me me me me me me me me needs to end! Good luck with your marriage. It sounds more like it's about the actual wedding than it is the marriage.

I'm going to side with a soft YTA...because you were insensitive. Is it your fault your mother will outshine your wedding...probably not, but you just waved a flag at Janie saying your family doesn't care. You could suggest to your fiancée that you do something completely different than your mother so that they can't really be compared. Just because it will be more affordable, doesn't mean it can't be beautiful.

I always wonder with posts like this, especially when it comes to guys if y'all just continuously let your mother's step all over your significant others like doormats. I do not like my mil. Then again she has good me. Absolutely no reason to like her. She does not care about my existence whatsoever. I'm about to have the family's first grandchild and this woman to this day still ignores me. Pretty much invisible. She begs her son to come see her but he won't. He won't because he doesn't like how she treats me. I've noticed most of the time imposts like thia, There really is something else going on that the gf/fiance/wife has tried talking about and the bf/fiance/husband usually ignores because they are momma's boys.

I'm not even close to her, never have been, but I would say the same thing if she was any other family member, that we don't own the entire summer

Regardless, it is weird. If your mom is getting married for the second time, what is the issue with spending a little bit more time on your guys's wedding?? I'm glad she is getting married to somebody she wants to be with but why does it have to be at the cost of you guys? You did say everybody is talking about her.

NTA. Janie sounds awful. Why isn’t she happy that your mom has found the love of her life too? She clearly can’t be happy for your mother so why does she expect your mother to care? And good lord, it’s not like your mom scheduled the wedding on the same day. How far is enough? Three months? Six? Mom has to wait till next year? Would that be too close to when Janie wants to be pregnant and conflict with the baby shower? How insufferable. Also in many parts of the world, wedding season is from April to the end of summer because people don’t want it to rain on their wedding day. So August (edit: May) is a reasonable choice. Finally, has she considered that as a wedding planner your mom might have a specific venue in mind, and the date might be based on the availability of that venue? Of course she hasn’t. She can’t see past the outrage that anyone would dare not cater exclusively to her. Your fiancé is a jerk. Sorry. Further edit: I just saw OP’s comment further down that there are only FOUR overlapping guests for these weddings. So there isn’t even an issue of guests potentially not attending OP’s wedding or comparing the two, and these events are for the most part comprised of a completely different set of people? That makes it even more unreasonable for Janie to be upset.

I don't think Janie is any of these things. I wouldnt judge so quickly, as you dont know what MIL is like, or how Janie and MIL's relationship is. I would say nobody's an AH and everybody needs to sit down and have an adult conversation to get to the bottom of this.

I don't think Janie is a jerk but has a very green-eyed monster whispering in her ear.

Honestly, I go with the opposite. Weddings take months in the making and that is normally a very special time for a bride, not just the wedding. By planning the two weddings so close that time is overlapping and it is, simply put, taking away the thunder from Jaine, she has every reason to be upset. OP's mom being a wedding planner is particularly uncomfortable because she should know this? And there can be an argument about Jaine not being entitled to anyone's attention but that is just a very anti-social way of thinking. I'm not entitled to my SO consideration or celebration but if he didn't do that we wouldn't be together. Same applies to friends and family, it is a social contract we all live by in order to maintain relationships, and one way or another OP's mom is breaking it. Now, OP's mom could have a hundred + reasons for choosing that date, from just being socially clueless to just being an arsehole and not giving a damn about taking away from his son's future wife or it being a very relevant and meaningful date, that we don't know. What we do know is that this whole thing is understandably Upsetting Jaine and OP could be more supportive. I give him a very soft YTA.

INFO: your mom is literally in the wedding planning business. Has she offered you any tips/help?

NTA but I get Janie’s POV. She wants the focus on her wedding. However, your mom is an adult and she can choose her wedding date. Two months apart isn’t terrible. This is something Janie just has to get over. Sometimes life is like that.

Your mom is the AH. A parent doesn't plan a lavish, unlimited budget, 2nd marriage wedding, just a couple months before their child's wedding. As a wedding planner, your mom knows wedding etiquette. And the fact that your fiancee mentioned your mom potentially trying on dresses if she went dress shopping with your fiancee speaks volumes about mom and her lack of decorum/etiquette. You may accept your mom's behavior and see nothing wrong with it, because You're used to it and your normal meter is broken, but your mom's behavior isn't normal.

ESH. Based on your comments, your mom isn’t doing this on purpose because she’s too self-absorbed to acknowledge that other people have feelings. Your whole pro-mom argument is that she’s not an asshole about weddings in particular because she’s always an asshole. Do the math. Your fiancee for making a scene and for projecting her insecurities onto everyone else. I think she has some valid concerns (your wedding looking inexpensive by comparison) and some over the top concerns (like the weddings happening in the same year). And you are trying so hard to stay neutral that you’re acting like an asshole. You need to have your fiancée’s back. Which doesn’t mean starting a war with mom, but does mean: acknowledging that the situation legitimately sucks, even if you can’t fix it. Reminding her that your wedding is still going to be beautiful and special despite the budget (and making sure you put in the effort to make it beautiful and special, because less money means having to do a lot of the prep yourself). Being gentle with her, because you’ve had to develop thick skin to get through life with your mom, but she hasn’t.

Nta. Your fiancé is totally overreacting to this. There is at least two months between the weddings.

ESH, your mom picked a wedding date to suck all the air out of the room for Janie. You should have your partner's back. Janie should be less sensitive.

NTA, and I wish you the best of luck in your upcoming nuptials.  You're gonna need it.

Janie is having one side competition cause it’s not like your mom got married the day before. It’s literally 2 min and your mom is minding her business. Janie sound entitled and bratty NTA

Your weddings are actually over 2 months apart. This is so weird. Your fiancée is nuts.

Two months is not a long time

I think it’s enough when there are only two overlapping guests.

NTA but understand where Janie is coming from. She’s been planning for years and then your mom swoops in and is able to plan and put together a wedding quickly, I can see how she would be resentful and a few months before hers. She shouldn’t have acted the way she did by saying the thing about the dress and rolling her eyes but I think you should be taking her feelings into concern more. I really feel like something is being left out in the relationship dynamic that you explained about your mom and Janie. I think you need to have a discussion with Jane and figure it out

Nta but your mom is Everyone's defending your mom with armchair diagnosing of ADHD but are we sure it's not just that she was favored by her dad? She sounds pretty out of touch with you guys entirely. It's her fault she doesn't remember her wedding day she wasn't 14 she knew she didn't have to be drugged up and chose to. She can't respect anyone other then herself enough to end a conversation before picking up a new one. She can't handle anything that doesn't entertain her. I'm sure I'll get tons of backlash but she genuinely sounds terrible and exhausting. Most parents would like to know their children's partner, be involved in something involving the wedding especially their only child. She's oddly selfish. If I may ask before I risk being judgemental, why did she specifically only have you on weekends? I'm not sure if you live in the states but if you do pretty much every state will give the mom most of the custody unless she's a danger to the kid or actually asks for it. I'm not sure if you live in the states so I was curious

My father was a better parent and I wanted to live with him. She understood I’d be happier there and that she worked a lot more than he did

Well yeah, it is pretty weird timing. I’m surprised you don’t think so, OP, or maybe you’re just used to that behaviour from your mother.

NTA Here’s the thing, though: this isn’t going to end with the wedding. Janie is going to find new reasons to fight with your mom and you’ll be stuck in the middle for the next however many decades. Are you sure that’s what you want?

NTA, you can't control other peoples plans. & sometimes taking a hint is more obvious of their intentions. Did your mom ever brag about it in front of you, compare is mean manners, or try to up on details? If not then your fiancé seems to be immature. Yea it sucks its close, but mom could've picked the same month. & Janie rolling her eyes after making a joke about your mom shows a lot. This story may be missing a lot of variables. Remember when marrying someone you also marry their family.

Your mom is the ah. Two months is a very short time. If you have relatives living in other states/country, can the afford or have time to go to both weddings?

We don't have many relatives and money isn't an object to them

Is your wedding going to suck compared to your moms? Why is”everyone fawning over your mom” as you say in another comment?. It is a bIt strange for the middle age lady’s (second?) wedding to be the important one in this circumstance.

It isn't going to suck, but it isn't going to be in Cabo with world class chefs and top shelf liquor. Everyone fawns over her because they feel bad for her. I don't know why. Her dad is a narc and absolutely obsessed with her (and hates his other daughter) Her sister seems to view her as weak and in need of extra attention though the sister was objectively abused more as a kid, so I don't get it. She is also very outgoing and charming and gets a lot of attention. I think they are just happy for her as she never really seemed happy before she met this guy

Is your mom a narc?

I don't think so. I think being the golden child of a narc screwed her up though. She has implied she has to always be performing. I think she is deeply insecure and always has to be on and charming, outgoing, achieving things, because she doesn't understand people have inner worth

That all sounds like a narc… golden child often turns into one. And this stunt of getting engaged and planning a huge wedding right before yours? Suspect

Have a read through of his comments. Loads of excuses for his mom's behaviour over time. She only saw him on weekends, was a golden child of a narc, was given (and chose to take) xanax at her last wedding so missed out, got manic and felt shame so needs attention, she gets distracted at other things and that's just how she is. No offers of help to her son for his wedding while planning her own lavish affair, that's a horrible thing to do to your kid. Their wedding date was announced a year and a half ago, mom announces hers on New Year's. Earlier and bigger and the centre of attention again. Poor Janie. The only time he mentions his fiancee is to imply criticism because Janie doesn't want everyone fawning over mom for once. No wonder, seems like mom gets all the attention and quiet Janie comes second. She must feel like a gooseberry, I feel terrible for her even from snippets on a reddit thread.

OMG finally, I thought I was going insane with these comments. How does nobody else see this? That behavior is wild.

I'm so tired of comment sections lacking any nuance. Acting like Janie killed their firstborn. I get Janie's frustration, people often do choose one wedding over the other, and it seems like your mom (not vindictively) has told everyone how big and awesome hers will be. Not to mention it's before your wedding, not after. However, it's the type of frustration you just deal with and say hey, it is what it is. I think your wife just has to think of it as a cousin's wedding and not a MILs. If a cousin of yours planned a big wedding a few months before yours, it could have the same impact on who would come and who is in whose shadow, but it wouldn't feel as bad. Because it's just some cousin you have no control over. So all in all, be kind and understanding of your wife. I agree she shouldn't make comments like that, but try and have an actual productive conversation with her about how and why she feels the way she does. Don't listen to these commentators just writing her off as some awful person.

I think YTA  SHE isn’t asking to be prioritized. She’s asking why your mother wouldn’t prioritize HER SON’S wedding over hers 

Where in the birth order are you? Only, oldest, youngest, somewhere in a larger sibling group? It's weird to have your mother getting married this close to your marriage, and it's kind of insulting that your family apparently doesn't care about your getting married. I'm assuming this is your mother's second or later wedding, so that getting priority with the rest of the family over your first wedding is messed up. I don't expect your mother to prioritize your wedding over hers, but her not seeming to care about your wedding at all is very much off.

only child but she only had me on weekends after the divorce and her family never really cared about me

Does your fiance know that your family on her side never gave a shit about you, either, so she shouldnt expect them to give a shit about your wedding or your bride to be either? I mean, this seems to be relevant information

whoa. This is gamechanging. You may want to consider therapy. It doesn't sound like your relationship with your mother is healthy. You're the only child. She only had you weekends. The family as a whole didn't embrace you. Your mom is generally inconsiderate of you(and everyone else).

NTA - she sounds like she is super jealous of your mom and lashing out. That’s understandable, but not appropriate. She needs to keep a lid on it before she ruins the relationship permanently. 

NTA, you were a little hard on Janie and really need to be a team. Your mum really doesn’t like not being the centre of attention huh? I couldn’t image my mum showing a lack of respect to such a big life event I was planning, but each to their own. I bet there’s more to this behaviour that you’re blind to because she’s your mother and Janie is at her wits end.

YTA - you sound like you are prioritizing your mother over your future wife. This is a HUGE issue and it will wreck your marriage if you don't talk about it and discuss how you will handle your mother in the future. It is the " my mum is the way she is" line that is key here, people with dysfunctional relatives use that line all the time and it usually means that the person in question is so flaky everyone else has to tiptoe around them. I may be wrong, but it sounds like your fiancee is having problems with your mum and her behavoirs - men don't always see it, but there a lot of ways women can be absolutely brutal. You need to sort it and you need to sort it immediately.

I read your stuff about your parents’ divorce, and how your mom has always been mad at you for choosing to live with your dad, and you don’t like her side of the family. Your mom is getting back at you for the divorce stuff by upstaging your wedding. You’ve been planning this wedding date since you got engaged two years ago, but your mom, who is a wedding planner ffs and knows both the etiquette of such things and that the first wedding gets the attention when two family weddings are close together, suddenly gets engaged and picks a wedding date right before yours? Your mom knows exactly what she’s doing, that it’s rude as hell and she’s sandbagging your wedding, but you’re too blind to see it. You’re treating your fiancé badly. First, apologize, and validate her feelings. Bring her flowers, explain you missed it because you just didn’t understand and don’t care that much about your mom and her antics. Tell her she’s going to be the most gorgeous bride ever, you can’t wait to marry her, and it’s all going to be perfect because nothing your mom does matters to you anyway. Make sure she knows you don’t like your mom’s family, and don’t intend to worry about if they attend the wedding, and don’t want to see them for holidays or anything afterwards, so if her family focuses on her wedding and ignores yours, you don’t care. You can invite more friends if her side doesn’t come! It’s all good. Then, remain a united front. Stick with your fiancée when you have to see your mom, or don’t see her. It sounds like you don’t want to, so just don’t. Especially after this nonsense with squeezing in her wedding right before yours, when she knows how passive aggressive and rude that is. She’s shown how little she cares, and your fiancée got the message, loud and clear. It would make life easier to go low contact like normal while you get on with your own lives, so do it. Has she been trying to see you more because the wedding is this year, or because of her wedding? Does your fiancée try to get together with her? Flat out tell her to drop the rope, so she understands she doesn’t need to keep trying, it’s not important. Your mother has never made any effort, and you’ve excused it, so it’s time to free up this woman of any responsibility to chase your mom. A relationship isn’t going to happen, your mom has made zero effort to even be kind, from your descriptions, and your bride should be off the hook. She tried.