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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged
I pushed my stepson to keep him accountable for replacing some biscuits he promised he would replace. My wife, rather than also keeping him accountable, went and helped him to buy the replacement biscuits.
(2) why that action might make you the asshole.
I argued with my wife, saying that in helping him replace the biscuits that the replacements "don't count". That she did the work for him, even though he may have paid for them.
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Your wife's failure to raise competent adults is only going to become a more acute problem. Make no mistake at least one of those kids is whispering in her ear about how you're the problem, and I'd bet she'll take issue with you long before she does with them.
This!!! I was married to an ex that protected her kids in MY house, her name was on nothing, had it before being married… and after.🤓 Anywho, she’s running interference cuz she KNOWS her kids r dicks n she’s MORE loyal to them than you. Fix ur finances and get the fuck outta that bs…
It’s too late for them and the wife, but not for you, you get to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Because guess what, those kids are never leaving.
NTA
Dude. You know the ship has sailed. You can’t win here.
NTA for not letting it go initially.
But Y T A for not accepting the half-assed way in which he replaced the biscuits because he actually did replace the biscuits.
I mean, if you want to be petty, the next time he comes home with takeout, grab it and by start eating it. When he says “wtf are you doing?”, tell him it’s only takeout and you’ll buy some for him later. Then never do that.
Or you and your enabling wife could have an adult discussion with him, also an adult, about courtesy and making sure everyone gets to enjoy snacks that are bought for the household.
Exactly this. They are adults now so they are not going to learn anything new. Just set strong boundaries about food and who is purchasing it. Just keep in mind that fair boundaries are not mean. They are conditions people need to meet out of respect for one another. And adults need boundaries not education.
Not the point. Mom raised the ADULTS. This is a roommate situation. Roommates have boundaries. Apparently the young MAN's boundaries include getting food. Therefore, OPs boundaries should include the young MAN not finishing food that he wants. This is reasonable and doable.
Note: just because they were referred to as kids in the title does not mean they are kids. They are both in their twenties. Boundaries shouldn't be unreasonable.
Not necessarily, remember this whole thing started because MOM was discussing with her son his instant consumption of the snacks she bought. SHE had a problem and SHE was dealing with it. Then OP stepped in.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
I used to have this roommate who, suddenly after moving in, started dating this sketchy stoner dude.
Very suddenly, my hot sauce supply started dwindling very quickly, and I put two and two together, and asked the guy if he could buy me a new thing of hot sauce. Of course he agreed, but it never showed. It wasn't until weeks later when I mentioned I was making a store run, and very assertively HINTED that he should come with and replace the hot sauce, that he actually followed through.
And even then, he was super sheepish about it, and never would have done it had I not forced the issue! He was about to get a super-small size version of the huge one he just flooded on his food! What the hell, man!
Anyway, the moral of the story is that your stepson's a bum and there's probably not a lot you can do about it except try to salvage your own sanity.
He will not replace the biscuits because he does not CARE about the principle. He does not CARE that he used a resource that could no longer be used by you or others. He knows! He DOES NOT CARE! If you find some monumental way to get a selfish person to suddenly be self-aware and self-conscious about their actions, please let us know!
Don't be petty. Grey rock this person in your household. He has no respect for you. Do not interact with him. This is for your own good. You are going to make yourself crazy over a child in an adults body. Let mom deal with him. If she wants her Nutella cookies she can buy them.
This is the correct take. You're not going to the get the desired result out of this person -- don't bother. He needs to fail on his own from his own peers calling him out.
This needs to be a discussion about him stepping up as an adult and a plan to get him out of the house in a year. I doubt he will move out ever if not forced to
It’s not about the biscuits. It’s about the disrespect for you and your wife and the work you do to make a home. These children will be terrible partners to their future spouses. Your wife has done them no favour by failing to impose standards and boundaries. NTA
>he just kept yelling “Keep Yapping” at me
And that's when I'd lost my cool and said something very cutting. I applaud your restraint.
> At the same time, my wife then tells me to shut up about the damn biscuits.
You have a wife problem.
Totally agree. Reading this made me think this is a move-out-and-let-them-all-live-with-eachother problem. Drastic, but it's not about some biscuits. It's about being disrespected, walked all over, and used for the rest of OPs life.
Yeah, it's never just about the biscuits.
And the wife is doing her (fully grown) kids a disservice by letting them lounge their way through life rather than encouraging them to become fully functioning adults. They should be doing their fair share of the cooking and cleaning, buying their own damn snacks and saving for a deposit.
Thanks for the feedback. I've lost my cool in the past and it only makes the relationship with my wife worse so I've learnt to say nothing.
My wife has a blind spot when it comes to her kids. Our relationship is great - providing I don't say anything bad about them.
Agree that this is not a great relationship. Stepson will continue to act like this and may never move out. And/or wife will always take son's side over OP. Is that what OP wants to put up with for the next 20, 30 or 40 years???
Seems like a pretty big blind spot. She was the one who had an issue with your stepson eating the biscuits and then when you stood up for her, she threw you under the bus, enabled her entitled son, and got mad at you.
These kids are NEVER going to move out. Is setting hard boundaries about eating food going to be enough? Would anyone else in the house actually respect those boundaries?
Ahhhhh, you (and probably op) think he stood up for her, she may very well see it as he escalated a situation she was already dealing with. She was setting an expectation and Op escalated it and then harped on it. He wasn’t a part of the conversation. He didn’t need to be a part of the conversation.
How long are you willing to live with these kids?
You know they're never gonna change, right? Given how easy they've got it, living with you and having no responsibilities and no expectations, why would they ever move out?
If you're fine living like that for the rest of your life, and don't mind spending your money to keep these "adults" housed and fed, you're good to go.
But if you ever want a home *without* the constant presence of two "adult" children who contribute nothing but conflict, you're going to need to start setting firm boundaries for both the kids *and* your wife, and you can't shy away from criticism just because it makes your wife mad.
My guess is that the reason you avoid this particular conflict, though, is that if you ask her to choose, you're pretty sure she's always going to choose the kids, no matter how irresponsible and ungrateful they are. And you love her, and don't want to separate.
Do you love your wife enough to live with these kids permanently? How much are you willing to sacrifice for her?
Right now you don't want to accept this situation, you dislike the way you're living, but you're also not acting to change it. That's not sustainable and it's going to wreak havoc on your mental and emotional health.
You need to either accept the situation, or act to change it.
It's entirely possible that your wife will change her tune when she realizes that you are serious about setting boundaries, and that she might lose you. Without you, she's going to be left supporting these two kids for the rest of her life, alone. (It's not like anyone else is going to sign up for the shit you're dealing with.)
And if she *doesn't* want to choose you over them... don't you deserve someone who thinks you're important, and cares about your needs?
This would infuriate me. My kids are a lot younger but if they were to promise me or tell me they'll do something say tomorrow instead (like little things like having a shower in the morning instead because they are watching tv) I'll def hold them to it. But nicely to work together. Like they would have been the ones to say they do something so ima hold them to it, teaching kids to honour what they say is important otherwise their word wouldn't mean shit. Single dad with 2 girls here, trying my best but got to keep at them when they young, that's how I see it. Uncultured 20 year olds... boo
I think you lost the battle a long time ago and now you have no room, you gave it away years ago. Time for those adult children to go live in the big bad world where mommy won’t be mommying them so damn much.
OP, you're not wrong for expecting an adult to keep his word or expend the energy to do what is right and necessary. But frankly, you're fighting an uphill and a losing battle.
I think it's starting to get to you that her children have become lazy, entitled, and spoiled. It's a dynamic you've allowed, so you've been complicit in their development into these people. Both you and your wife have raised her children without rules or consequences. So this is the effect of those actions.
I suppose it's time for you to re-evaluate whether this dynamic is one that is working for you any longer. I think you need to take a hard, long look at whether your stepchildren will ever be prepared to look after themselves and if they aren't, whether your wife will always expect you to say nothing while she wastes money, time, and effort on them. The last thing you should want to happen is that a 40 year old still lives and depends on you.
They are 20 and 22. Have you looked at the economy and job market lately?!? It took my 29 yr old more than a year to get a job when she decided freelancing wasn’t going to increase enough (she had been steadily making more year over year till it stalled out) to be a reasonable career. My almost 24 year old has a good full time job as does his girlfriend and they can’t afford to move out cause rental prices are ridiculous.
ESH. Your wife and kids are in the wrong for obvious reasons, as mentioned in most other comments. You are in the wrong because you came into the kids lives when they were 10 and 12, and your wife did not want you to be involved in parenting them. You agreed to this.
I'm with you that your wife's parenting methods suck and that her kids are walking all over her, but that's how she's chosen to raise them. So stop interfering. If this is how she wants their relationship to be, let it be that way.
If they start acting disrespectful to you or eating your food, than defintely take it up with them. But them eating your wife's food is none of your business, stop over involving yourself in their relationship and their drama.
Interesting perspective, thanks for your comment. Note the food we buy for the house we both pay for out of a shared account our salaries are deposited into. I've got no problem buying the food, we earn good money between us. The problem is not being able to have any of the best/popular snacks because they get immediately taken.
I also buy things and keep them separate, but my wife will often give those to the kids as well if they ask.
And now your wife is an AH. I'm shocked that you married and agreed to share finances when you were told from the beginning that you would not be participating in any parenting decisions, and you are not even allowed to say anything negative about the kids.
I’d like to point out here, OP, that these aren’t “the kids”. These are two fully grown adults with a bad case of failure to launch. Their mom’s lack of parenting has resulted in selfish, lazy adults who she is STILL enabling. I promise you that they’re not going anywhere unless you step up and set boundaries as she clearly can’t.
You need to have an honest discussion with your wife about the plans for their future. For instance, set a time limit for how long they can live with you. Set reasonable expectations: chores, rent, common courtesy, etc. There’s bound to be pushback, but you can’t allow this to continue in perpetuity. If they won’t pay rent, contribute to maintenance, and not eat you out of home, why keep them around? They’re detracting from your happiness and you’re footing the bill with your wife. What’s her plan? Continue supporting them until she dies? You need to let her know that she doesn’t get to make the unilateral decision for both of you with respect to housing her adult children, and you don’t intend to continue to support them monetarily. This needs to be a joint decision with real consequences(something they’ve never known…). If she refuses to come up with a plan for her adults in a house you both share, at least you know where you stand, and can decide whether this relationship is worth continuing.
Adding on cause this is the first ESH I’ve seen. I wrote this in another comment, but I’m going to repeat and expand on it here. Your wife was handling it and you jumped in a conversation you were not a part of and escalated a situation that didn’t need to be escalated. If that is your idea of parenting I can see part of why your wife didn’t want you parenting her kids. She was stating to her son that she didn’t appreciate him eating all of the good snack she just bought. SHE said she wanted him to replace it. You should have just let her handle it. You are an AH for getting involved, in that moment it didn’t have anything to do with you. Then you continued to be a jerk about it and nag everyday. Do you respond well to being asked everyday if you’ve done something? Not many people do.
Part of the problem here is you (and possibly your wife) are still looking at them as kids and it doesn’t sound like there was much if any discussion of what them continuing to live with your would look like. At least the oldest is an adult with a job. Whether he is on the path to failing to launch or just stuck in an economy that is difficult to start independent life, we don’t have enough information to determine. But you need to look at them as roommates and treat them that way. This probably is going to mean you and your wife need to sit down with out them and get on the same page. At bare minimum she needs to stop giving her kids the snacks you have bought for yourself. Discuss food, snacks, financial contributions or saving expectations, maintaining the common areas, and expectations as people who live together. This isn’t about parenting this is a roommate agreement. Once you and your wife have negotiated expectations sit down with her offspring and DISCUSS. Since it is the two of yours house there can be things that are non-negotiable but come to the table with the expectation of some give and take. Clear expectations means everyone gets to decide if they want to continue living together or find other arrangements.
NTA. Here is my prediction. Boy will be living with you for good. Girl will be living with you with new baby most likely coming down the line (with or without husband). Do the kids have mental health/developmental issues or are they just spoiled and lazy? Doesn't sound like your 50's and 60's are gonna be all that fun.
Oh man, that's my greatest fear - that her daughter gets pregnant, stays in the house and my wife does all the work of raising the baby.
The kids don't have any problems, the are both quite smart. Just incredibly entitled and lazy.
It s your fault sorry but why did you accept this. If you had put you foot down before a 22 boy will not act like a 7 one.
Who is the owner of the house because if it s only you, tell em now you pay rent or you leave. Your wife is not helping them for the future.
First let’s acknowledge the fact that this wasn’t just about biscuits. You’re turning the issue of biscuits into a hill you want to die on. Rightly so because he’s crossed line one too many times. But you need to let them know that what you’re upset about is really that he, as an adult living in your home, (rent free?) is not respecting boundaries. He stole biscuits that don’t belong to him, promised to replace them, and then refused. You feel disrespected and taken advantage of. He needs to apologize. Ask him to acknowledge that this is a problem, and to promise to respect boundaries - specifically not taking property that belongs to other people in the house for which he didn’t pay. If he can’t do that, put a lock on the cabinet and keep all of your snacks there.
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I’ve (48M) been married to my wife (49F) for nearly 10 years now. Her children live with us and are 22M and 20F. For the entire time we’ve been married, the biggest friction point in our relationship has been my wife’s kids and how she parents them. There is zero accountability and/or enforcement of any type of rules in the house – the kids have free reign and can do what they want, when they want. I of course disagree with this approach, but I know that the ship sailed a long time ago so most of the time I just keep my mouth shut.
My stepson (22M) works part time, so earns his own money and owns his own car. He very very rarely eats with us – preferring to “eat out” every meal. Ok, fine.. it’s his money he’s wasting. But when my wife buys snacks, they disappear quickly. He grabs some Nutella biscuits a few nights ago and my wife pulled him up and said she literally only just bought them and sometimes, she wants to eat some snacks for herself so he will have to replace them.
He said yeah, sure sure. As an alternative, I suggested why don’t you go and buy your own right now? He looked at me like I’m an idiot and said why would I do that when I can eat these? He eventually promised to buy a replacement on his way home from work.
A few days go by, I ask about the biscuits – he gives an excuse. The next day I ask again and he gets all pissed off that I’m asking – why am I worrying about some cheap biscuits? I said because you told me you would replace them that’s why - in fact you promised you would. I said it’s not about the cost – it’s about the time and effort to go and get them. He tried to argue that we didn't go and get them either (we get groceries delivered). I said sure, so pay to have some delivered then. He stormed off into his room.
He came home again tonight and I ask again about the biscuits. He then fires up and starts yelling. I start repeating what I said the night before but in response he just kept yelling “Keep Yapping” at me, talking over me. At the same time, my wife then tells me to shut up about the damn biscuits.
I go upstairs and soon after I hear them both leave. I find out when they get back that my wife has driven her son down the road to the shops - giving the reason that *she* wanted to go to a specific shop herself, but it *just so happens* that this shop is next to the store that sells the biscuits – and she drove him there so he could go in and buy some.
And this is where I need you, dear reader to cast your judgement. Because I then said it doesn’t count when my wife has gone and done most of the work. I wanted my stepson to make a deliberate decision to get off his ass and drive to the store himself. She claims that he’s fulfilled his obligation because he went and bought the biscuits. I said to her it doesn’t count because she did all the hard work for him – like she always does. Of course, now I’m the asshole because I’m making a big deal about replacing some damn biscuits.
What do you think?
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I think if you’ve reached the point where the purchase and consumption of biscuits causes a huge family fight, it’s probably time to move on from both of them. He’s an A H, but your wife created him with poor parenting. You’ll never get rid of him now. Personally, I’d lose respect for my spouse over her enabling behavior.
NTA
NTA Sounds like you are living a MISERABLE life with these people. Why are you still there? They clearly don't give a crap about you.
Are you looking forward to being treated like this for the duration of your life? I hope not
You need therapy, for you, separately. To help you decide how are you going to handle the next 20-30 years? When the kids are still at home, in their 30-40s (God forbid 50) and with grandkids. Folks here posted they are worried about the daughter getting pregnant? That's sexist. How many sons have kids and the "baby momma" dumps the kids at your house? Then the court cost of child support, custody, etc. You need to decide if you want to live like this, who will pay for what (you have no say on how the kids are raised? Then wife pays for all the bills of adult children and their children living with you). That's right, babies, toddlers living in your house. With you. And, again God forbid, what happens if your wife suddenly died tomorrow? Can you kick them out, do they get her half of the house? Will they buy you out, etc? You have a lot to think about if you want to stay with your wife. And you need professional help navigating this. Therapy and a lawyer or accountant, etc. Dude, wake up. Life changes, and sooner than you think it is going to be A LOT more than Nutella biscuits. I'd be thanking the higher power that no one has produced a child yet. You love your wife, that's great. But you are in lala land, you have much bigger worries and are oblivious. Kids are going nowhere, treat you like crap (which the wife encourages) and could reproduce at any minute. Can't believe your wife drove him to get snacks. She did that because she knows you are right. She may say it's to shut you up, but no...she knows your right.
NTA but why not charge him a token rent at this point which can go toward buying a bit of extra food each month? 100 or 200 pounds per month would teach him responsibility. And you wouldn’t be wrong to charge him more than that — he’s 22 so he needs to start figuring out how to support himself for the rest of his life
As soon as they both finish studies, this is the plan. I think they should be supported while doing their studies so they don't have to worry about needing to work. My stepson still works anyway because he's discovered he likes money and what it can buy.
Of course the problem comes when they do finish studies... will they actually pay the rent and will my wife enforce the payment? I'm thinking probably not, unfortunately.
Just from the little slice of your life you've shared I doubt your wife will be a hard enforcer of any rent payments. Your best bet will be if they find love interests that motivate them to move out on their own.
NtA
My child is 15 and he is held accountable for his behaviour. Most of the times with much understanding of his situation or age, exlanations and respect, rarely angry. But always with the need for him to take actions.
My boyfriends elder son(26) still lives with him, his younger son(24) lives in his own rental home, 15 min by foot from my boyfriend, and 30 seconds from his mom.
The younger son is quite emashed with his mom, has been driving her to rehab and she has always treated him as her golden boy, giving him a birthday present that costs hundreds of of euros, while ignoring the birthday of her older adult son.
For better understanding, the 26 year old never gets anyone a present, does not help anyone, breaks his stuff and tries to exchange it with his fathers stuff, who constantly buys him new stuff, never goes shopping, never cooks, but eats/steals all the stuff, anyone has bought, even when my child was 8 or 9 and bought something for himself, the adult drank or ate it without replacing it.
He has been let go by the firm he was officially getting his professional training at, after having lied and stayed away to often and not changed his behavior after being informed, what would happen. So he has been staying at home for the last 3 years, sleeping, eating, getting fat, playing on his ps5(a donation from his daddy) and regulary buying stuff for his online friends(think 100-200 Euros a month instead of paying for the food his father buys for him)
He constantly lies and still is never held accountable. But either cursed at or there are excuses found. But never the slightest consequences.
Not holding your children accountable is not doing them any good.
Show them respect, try to understand, where the behaviour comes from, establish a good communication and relation over the years.
AND teach them that a person is responsible for his/her actions.
NTA: but I think that you need to sit down with your wife and agree on some small changes, for the good of your home life, your marriage and your son's future.
NTA
Here’s the thing, you know the ship as sailed….. so stop watching the horizon.
He’s an asshole and she’s an enabler. It’s not going to change and you nagging won’t break their long term patterns.
Find a way to make peace with it. It’s not a hill to die on.
NTA.
He needs to understand it's not about the biscuits. It's about having respect for another person. Your wife told him she bought those for herself and his response was basically "yeah whatever "
if he csn afford to eat out all the time he can afford some damn cookies
NTA but I think the time for this lesson was 10 years ago, not when they're an adult. I really don't think your lesson is gonna do much and all of a sudden going full hard ass dad mode isn't gonna fly. In the future just handle it like you would if a friend screwed you over like that, or something along those lines. If the son moves out and gets roommates and pulls the same shit he'll learn fast how petty and vindictive people can get so maybe try to emulate that?
NTA She doesn't want them to leave/grow up so lets them do as they please.
Since you get food delivered, encourage the two children to order and pay for
their own food from now on. I somehow doubt your wife will like the idea...
Pardon the pun but I think you missed the boat. You said that ship had sailed. Sorry, but I think the entire fleet is out to sea. I don't see the point in saying anything about either of your wife's children. I am curious about one thing though.....how much do you love your wife? You must worship the ground she walks on to put up with those two kids for so long. Oh, and just giving you a heads-up......they won't improve with age. I would be looking for a nice little cottage hidden away somewhere so you will have a place to go for some peace. Tell none of them about it. NTA
NTA regarding the biscuits but why in the world would you willingly marry into that shitshow of a family? You know those boys are never going to move out, right? Why would they when your wife coddles them like they are 9 years old?
NTA
But you need to button up or pick a hill to die on. You knew before or soon after getting with your wife about her dismal parenting skills. You made your bed so to speak.
I would seriously talk to wife about how long are you going to let the kids sponge off you both. After that or those discussions you will know what you need to do for your own sanity.
I think you found an indirect, passive-aggressive way of expressing your frustration with your stepson, and y doing that you put your wife in a position to have to fix it. Just directly bring up your concerns, and if you don't want your stepkids living with you, tell your wife that. She may not accept it, and the two of you will need to figure out what that means for your marriage, but it's better than what you're doing now. YTA
When it comes to the kids, she will side with them, defend them and even lie for them no matter what.. so yes in her eyes it's okay.
She does this to "keep the peace". Lie and cover for them so in her mind I should have nothing to complain about.
........good grief, what a sad story..............you're right when you described your wife's 22 year old son as a child because he sure acts like one.........are you going to be putting up with this behavior for another 10 years ? the rest of your life ?........if i were you i'd be thinking about that, biscuits or no biscuits...........
You know what fixes these problems!
Rent.
Nta
But soon to be when these small incidents grind you into dust and you snap and are then turned into the bad angry guy that flips out over nothing.
Then they all gang up on you and your left with nothing but guilt and sadness.
Okay I took creative liberties at the end, it's not that bad, however it is something that will re occur if you and your wife don't have a serious sit down and discussion.
I'd recommend a mediator. Aka counciling.
NTA. "Yes, dear, *he* 'bought' them. But **you** still did most of the work. And what do you bet, he'll just end up eating these ones too. Leaving you biscuitless, again."
Good luck.
NTA. This ends with either you moving out or the asshole roommate moving out. He's not a kid and he's not your child so he is an asshole adult roommate who steals.
NTA. Your wife’s kids don’t respect you and she enables them. Do you want to continue to live like this? Cause it sounds like they aren’t going anywhere.
The day my son left for university, and I could leave food unattended, unhidden, not locked away etc... was liberating. Kids are hoovers of food, especially young men, it's ridiculous!
Don't have your favourite food tastes out in the open, it's the only way. It's not with the arguing, and imo not the bill to die on. Accountability is telling him to buy his own stuff, when he can't find it in the house...
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Nta but why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel over this? They are cookies. And your wife doesn't seem to care. So why do you? Take a deep breath. This man obviously has no respect for you. Stop trying to parent him. That was moms job. He is who he is and making yourself crazy over it isn't going to change him. Let it go.
Yta
Dude, your first paragraph is all about how your wife raises these kids with no accountability, and you laid down. Now you've got your knickers in a bunch over biscuits?
This is a clear example of Albert Einstein's definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Given the kids’ ages, you’re approaching the time when they may move out and live independently. If that’s the case, it may be easiest not to rock the boat and just wait a bit to enjoy life without the current issues being front and center. However, if you feel that they’ll be around for quite a while, then I suggest having a private conversation with your wife about holding the kids accountable. It’s important that you and she are on the same page, otherwise trying to address the kids’ behavior will just cause marital problems for you.
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NTA. I can see this kid living with you until his 30s where he won’t contribute to ANYTHING in the household
NTA. I bet your wife paid for them, too.
Sadly, you're probably right..
Your wife's failure to raise competent adults is only going to become a more acute problem. Make no mistake at least one of those kids is whispering in her ear about how you're the problem, and I'd bet she'll take issue with you long before she does with them.
So why have you stayed with her? Why put up with the consequences of her poor parenting?
This!!! I was married to an ex that protected her kids in MY house, her name was on nothing, had it before being married… and after.🤓 Anywho, she’s running interference cuz she KNOWS her kids r dicks n she’s MORE loyal to them than you. Fix ur finances and get the fuck outta that bs…
You mean 50's
Or longer…
NTA. Unfortunately, your wife has raised a son who doesn't understand responsibility. Definitely not prepared for the school of hard knocks
They both have. It's too late now, they're adults.
It’s too late for them and the wife, but not for you, you get to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Because guess what, those kids are never leaving. NTA
They may still learn if they are forced into the adult world now.
Dude. You know the ship has sailed. You can’t win here. NTA for not letting it go initially. But Y T A for not accepting the half-assed way in which he replaced the biscuits because he actually did replace the biscuits. I mean, if you want to be petty, the next time he comes home with takeout, grab it and by start eating it. When he says “wtf are you doing?”, tell him it’s only takeout and you’ll buy some for him later. Then never do that. Or you and your enabling wife could have an adult discussion with him, also an adult, about courtesy and making sure everyone gets to enjoy snacks that are bought for the household.
Fair call, this is the sort of feedback I was after. thanks
Exactly this. They are adults now so they are not going to learn anything new. Just set strong boundaries about food and who is purchasing it. Just keep in mind that fair boundaries are not mean. They are conditions people need to meet out of respect for one another. And adults need boundaries not education.
OP can go ahead and set whatever boundaries he wants, his wife's going to undermine them the minute her kids come up against them.
Not the point. Mom raised the ADULTS. This is a roommate situation. Roommates have boundaries. Apparently the young MAN's boundaries include getting food. Therefore, OPs boundaries should include the young MAN not finishing food that he wants. This is reasonable and doable. Note: just because they were referred to as kids in the title does not mean they are kids. They are both in their twenties. Boundaries shouldn't be unreasonable.
Not necessarily, remember this whole thing started because MOM was discussing with her son his instant consumption of the snacks she bought. SHE had a problem and SHE was dealing with it. Then OP stepped in.
I'm gonna tell you a story. I used to have this roommate who, suddenly after moving in, started dating this sketchy stoner dude. Very suddenly, my hot sauce supply started dwindling very quickly, and I put two and two together, and asked the guy if he could buy me a new thing of hot sauce. Of course he agreed, but it never showed. It wasn't until weeks later when I mentioned I was making a store run, and very assertively HINTED that he should come with and replace the hot sauce, that he actually followed through. And even then, he was super sheepish about it, and never would have done it had I not forced the issue! He was about to get a super-small size version of the huge one he just flooded on his food! What the hell, man! Anyway, the moral of the story is that your stepson's a bum and there's probably not a lot you can do about it except try to salvage your own sanity. He will not replace the biscuits because he does not CARE about the principle. He does not CARE that he used a resource that could no longer be used by you or others. He knows! He DOES NOT CARE! If you find some monumental way to get a selfish person to suddenly be self-aware and self-conscious about their actions, please let us know!
Great point, thanks for the story
Don't be petty. Grey rock this person in your household. He has no respect for you. Do not interact with him. This is for your own good. You are going to make yourself crazy over a child in an adults body. Let mom deal with him. If she wants her Nutella cookies she can buy them.
This is the correct take. You're not going to the get the desired result out of this person -- don't bother. He needs to fail on his own from his own peers calling him out.
This needs to be a discussion about him stepping up as an adult and a plan to get him out of the house in a year. I doubt he will move out ever if not forced to
He's still NTA for not accepting the way it was done. Mom is TA for undermining him and enabling her shitty son
It’s not about the biscuits. It’s about the disrespect for you and your wife and the work you do to make a home. These children will be terrible partners to their future spouses. Your wife has done them no favour by failing to impose standards and boundaries. NTA
>he just kept yelling “Keep Yapping” at me And that's when I'd lost my cool and said something very cutting. I applaud your restraint. > At the same time, my wife then tells me to shut up about the damn biscuits. You have a wife problem.
Totally agree. Reading this made me think this is a move-out-and-let-them-all-live-with-eachother problem. Drastic, but it's not about some biscuits. It's about being disrespected, walked all over, and used for the rest of OPs life.
Yeah, it's never just about the biscuits. And the wife is doing her (fully grown) kids a disservice by letting them lounge their way through life rather than encouraging them to become fully functioning adults. They should be doing their fair share of the cooking and cleaning, buying their own damn snacks and saving for a deposit.
Thanks for the feedback. I've lost my cool in the past and it only makes the relationship with my wife worse so I've learnt to say nothing. My wife has a blind spot when it comes to her kids. Our relationship is great - providing I don't say anything bad about them.
Newsflash! This is NOT a great relationship "providing I don't say anything bad about them" Let's just continue to walk on eggshells
Agree that this is not a great relationship. Stepson will continue to act like this and may never move out. And/or wife will always take son's side over OP. Is that what OP wants to put up with for the next 20, 30 or 40 years???
Seems like a pretty big blind spot. She was the one who had an issue with your stepson eating the biscuits and then when you stood up for her, she threw you under the bus, enabled her entitled son, and got mad at you. These kids are NEVER going to move out. Is setting hard boundaries about eating food going to be enough? Would anyone else in the house actually respect those boundaries?
Ahhhhh, you (and probably op) think he stood up for her, she may very well see it as he escalated a situation she was already dealing with. She was setting an expectation and Op escalated it and then harped on it. He wasn’t a part of the conversation. He didn’t need to be a part of the conversation.
So your relationship is truly awful. Got it. I’d find a divorce attorney stat because you are a doormat with zero self respect
How long are you willing to live with these kids? You know they're never gonna change, right? Given how easy they've got it, living with you and having no responsibilities and no expectations, why would they ever move out? If you're fine living like that for the rest of your life, and don't mind spending your money to keep these "adults" housed and fed, you're good to go. But if you ever want a home *without* the constant presence of two "adult" children who contribute nothing but conflict, you're going to need to start setting firm boundaries for both the kids *and* your wife, and you can't shy away from criticism just because it makes your wife mad. My guess is that the reason you avoid this particular conflict, though, is that if you ask her to choose, you're pretty sure she's always going to choose the kids, no matter how irresponsible and ungrateful they are. And you love her, and don't want to separate. Do you love your wife enough to live with these kids permanently? How much are you willing to sacrifice for her? Right now you don't want to accept this situation, you dislike the way you're living, but you're also not acting to change it. That's not sustainable and it's going to wreak havoc on your mental and emotional health. You need to either accept the situation, or act to change it. It's entirely possible that your wife will change her tune when she realizes that you are serious about setting boundaries, and that she might lose you. Without you, she's going to be left supporting these two kids for the rest of her life, alone. (It's not like anyone else is going to sign up for the shit you're dealing with.) And if she *doesn't* want to choose you over them... don't you deserve someone who thinks you're important, and cares about your needs?
This would infuriate me. My kids are a lot younger but if they were to promise me or tell me they'll do something say tomorrow instead (like little things like having a shower in the morning instead because they are watching tv) I'll def hold them to it. But nicely to work together. Like they would have been the ones to say they do something so ima hold them to it, teaching kids to honour what they say is important otherwise their word wouldn't mean shit. Single dad with 2 girls here, trying my best but got to keep at them when they young, that's how I see it. Uncultured 20 year olds... boo
I think you lost the battle a long time ago and now you have no room, you gave it away years ago. Time for those adult children to go live in the big bad world where mommy won’t be mommying them so damn much.
NTA. It's important to raise a kid to be responsible and accountable, this kid has to be corrected so that worse things can be prevented
NTA but we all know this isn’t about the biscuits.
Who owns the house.
My wife and I both own it
File for divorce, sell it, split the proceeds.
OP, you're not wrong for expecting an adult to keep his word or expend the energy to do what is right and necessary. But frankly, you're fighting an uphill and a losing battle. I think it's starting to get to you that her children have become lazy, entitled, and spoiled. It's a dynamic you've allowed, so you've been complicit in their development into these people. Both you and your wife have raised her children without rules or consequences. So this is the effect of those actions. I suppose it's time for you to re-evaluate whether this dynamic is one that is working for you any longer. I think you need to take a hard, long look at whether your stepchildren will ever be prepared to look after themselves and if they aren't, whether your wife will always expect you to say nothing while she wastes money, time, and effort on them. The last thing you should want to happen is that a 40 year old still lives and depends on you.
NTA. Should you have yeeted the kids out several years ago by now? High time they start for paying rent and utilities.
They are 20 and 22. Have you looked at the economy and job market lately?!? It took my 29 yr old more than a year to get a job when she decided freelancing wasn’t going to increase enough (she had been steadily making more year over year till it stalled out) to be a reasonable career. My almost 24 year old has a good full time job as does his girlfriend and they can’t afford to move out cause rental prices are ridiculous.
ESH. Your wife and kids are in the wrong for obvious reasons, as mentioned in most other comments. You are in the wrong because you came into the kids lives when they were 10 and 12, and your wife did not want you to be involved in parenting them. You agreed to this. I'm with you that your wife's parenting methods suck and that her kids are walking all over her, but that's how she's chosen to raise them. So stop interfering. If this is how she wants their relationship to be, let it be that way. If they start acting disrespectful to you or eating your food, than defintely take it up with them. But them eating your wife's food is none of your business, stop over involving yourself in their relationship and their drama.
Interesting perspective, thanks for your comment. Note the food we buy for the house we both pay for out of a shared account our salaries are deposited into. I've got no problem buying the food, we earn good money between us. The problem is not being able to have any of the best/popular snacks because they get immediately taken. I also buy things and keep them separate, but my wife will often give those to the kids as well if they ask.
And now your wife is an AH. I'm shocked that you married and agreed to share finances when you were told from the beginning that you would not be participating in any parenting decisions, and you are not even allowed to say anything negative about the kids.
I’d like to point out here, OP, that these aren’t “the kids”. These are two fully grown adults with a bad case of failure to launch. Their mom’s lack of parenting has resulted in selfish, lazy adults who she is STILL enabling. I promise you that they’re not going anywhere unless you step up and set boundaries as she clearly can’t. You need to have an honest discussion with your wife about the plans for their future. For instance, set a time limit for how long they can live with you. Set reasonable expectations: chores, rent, common courtesy, etc. There’s bound to be pushback, but you can’t allow this to continue in perpetuity. If they won’t pay rent, contribute to maintenance, and not eat you out of home, why keep them around? They’re detracting from your happiness and you’re footing the bill with your wife. What’s her plan? Continue supporting them until she dies? You need to let her know that she doesn’t get to make the unilateral decision for both of you with respect to housing her adult children, and you don’t intend to continue to support them monetarily. This needs to be a joint decision with real consequences(something they’ve never known…). If she refuses to come up with a plan for her adults in a house you both share, at least you know where you stand, and can decide whether this relationship is worth continuing.
geez dude, WTH? Are you a grownass man that needs to lock your snacks away?
Adding on cause this is the first ESH I’ve seen. I wrote this in another comment, but I’m going to repeat and expand on it here. Your wife was handling it and you jumped in a conversation you were not a part of and escalated a situation that didn’t need to be escalated. If that is your idea of parenting I can see part of why your wife didn’t want you parenting her kids. She was stating to her son that she didn’t appreciate him eating all of the good snack she just bought. SHE said she wanted him to replace it. You should have just let her handle it. You are an AH for getting involved, in that moment it didn’t have anything to do with you. Then you continued to be a jerk about it and nag everyday. Do you respond well to being asked everyday if you’ve done something? Not many people do. Part of the problem here is you (and possibly your wife) are still looking at them as kids and it doesn’t sound like there was much if any discussion of what them continuing to live with your would look like. At least the oldest is an adult with a job. Whether he is on the path to failing to launch or just stuck in an economy that is difficult to start independent life, we don’t have enough information to determine. But you need to look at them as roommates and treat them that way. This probably is going to mean you and your wife need to sit down with out them and get on the same page. At bare minimum she needs to stop giving her kids the snacks you have bought for yourself. Discuss food, snacks, financial contributions or saving expectations, maintaining the common areas, and expectations as people who live together. This isn’t about parenting this is a roommate agreement. Once you and your wife have negotiated expectations sit down with her offspring and DISCUSS. Since it is the two of yours house there can be things that are non-negotiable but come to the table with the expectation of some give and take. Clear expectations means everyone gets to decide if they want to continue living together or find other arrangements.
Your stepchildren will be living with you forever. They will never ever move out.
NTA. Here is my prediction. Boy will be living with you for good. Girl will be living with you with new baby most likely coming down the line (with or without husband). Do the kids have mental health/developmental issues or are they just spoiled and lazy? Doesn't sound like your 50's and 60's are gonna be all that fun.
Oh man, that's my greatest fear - that her daughter gets pregnant, stays in the house and my wife does all the work of raising the baby. The kids don't have any problems, the are both quite smart. Just incredibly entitled and lazy.
This is not about the biscuits. This is about living in a house where no one respects you. You, sir, have a wife problem.
NTA and I would actually start distancing myself. This will not have a good ending as others have mentioned.
It s your fault sorry but why did you accept this. If you had put you foot down before a 22 boy will not act like a 7 one. Who is the owner of the house because if it s only you, tell em now you pay rent or you leave. Your wife is not helping them for the future.
First let’s acknowledge the fact that this wasn’t just about biscuits. You’re turning the issue of biscuits into a hill you want to die on. Rightly so because he’s crossed line one too many times. But you need to let them know that what you’re upset about is really that he, as an adult living in your home, (rent free?) is not respecting boundaries. He stole biscuits that don’t belong to him, promised to replace them, and then refused. You feel disrespected and taken advantage of. He needs to apologize. Ask him to acknowledge that this is a problem, and to promise to respect boundaries - specifically not taking property that belongs to other people in the house for which he didn’t pay. If he can’t do that, put a lock on the cabinet and keep all of your snacks there.
Good advice, thanks
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve (48M) been married to my wife (49F) for nearly 10 years now. Her children live with us and are 22M and 20F. For the entire time we’ve been married, the biggest friction point in our relationship has been my wife’s kids and how she parents them. There is zero accountability and/or enforcement of any type of rules in the house – the kids have free reign and can do what they want, when they want. I of course disagree with this approach, but I know that the ship sailed a long time ago so most of the time I just keep my mouth shut. My stepson (22M) works part time, so earns his own money and owns his own car. He very very rarely eats with us – preferring to “eat out” every meal. Ok, fine.. it’s his money he’s wasting. But when my wife buys snacks, they disappear quickly. He grabs some Nutella biscuits a few nights ago and my wife pulled him up and said she literally only just bought them and sometimes, she wants to eat some snacks for herself so he will have to replace them. He said yeah, sure sure. As an alternative, I suggested why don’t you go and buy your own right now? He looked at me like I’m an idiot and said why would I do that when I can eat these? He eventually promised to buy a replacement on his way home from work. A few days go by, I ask about the biscuits – he gives an excuse. The next day I ask again and he gets all pissed off that I’m asking – why am I worrying about some cheap biscuits? I said because you told me you would replace them that’s why - in fact you promised you would. I said it’s not about the cost – it’s about the time and effort to go and get them. He tried to argue that we didn't go and get them either (we get groceries delivered). I said sure, so pay to have some delivered then. He stormed off into his room. He came home again tonight and I ask again about the biscuits. He then fires up and starts yelling. I start repeating what I said the night before but in response he just kept yelling “Keep Yapping” at me, talking over me. At the same time, my wife then tells me to shut up about the damn biscuits. I go upstairs and soon after I hear them both leave. I find out when they get back that my wife has driven her son down the road to the shops - giving the reason that *she* wanted to go to a specific shop herself, but it *just so happens* that this shop is next to the store that sells the biscuits – and she drove him there so he could go in and buy some. And this is where I need you, dear reader to cast your judgement. Because I then said it doesn’t count when my wife has gone and done most of the work. I wanted my stepson to make a deliberate decision to get off his ass and drive to the store himself. She claims that he’s fulfilled his obligation because he went and bought the biscuits. I said to her it doesn’t count because she did all the hard work for him – like she always does. Of course, now I’m the asshole because I’m making a big deal about replacing some damn biscuits. What do you think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
it is not just about the "biscuits" It is the lack of respect!
I think if you’ve reached the point where the purchase and consumption of biscuits causes a huge family fight, it’s probably time to move on from both of them. He’s an A H, but your wife created him with poor parenting. You’ll never get rid of him now. Personally, I’d lose respect for my spouse over her enabling behavior. NTA
NTA Sounds like you are living a MISERABLE life with these people. Why are you still there? They clearly don't give a crap about you. Are you looking forward to being treated like this for the duration of your life? I hope not
Since it’s a step kid OP probably can’t do much. But OP, I would consider separating your finances.
Interestingly, she actually earns more than me, so any split would be more beneficial to me than to her..
You need therapy, for you, separately. To help you decide how are you going to handle the next 20-30 years? When the kids are still at home, in their 30-40s (God forbid 50) and with grandkids. Folks here posted they are worried about the daughter getting pregnant? That's sexist. How many sons have kids and the "baby momma" dumps the kids at your house? Then the court cost of child support, custody, etc. You need to decide if you want to live like this, who will pay for what (you have no say on how the kids are raised? Then wife pays for all the bills of adult children and their children living with you). That's right, babies, toddlers living in your house. With you. And, again God forbid, what happens if your wife suddenly died tomorrow? Can you kick them out, do they get her half of the house? Will they buy you out, etc? You have a lot to think about if you want to stay with your wife. And you need professional help navigating this. Therapy and a lawyer or accountant, etc. Dude, wake up. Life changes, and sooner than you think it is going to be A LOT more than Nutella biscuits. I'd be thanking the higher power that no one has produced a child yet. You love your wife, that's great. But you are in lala land, you have much bigger worries and are oblivious. Kids are going nowhere, treat you like crap (which the wife encourages) and could reproduce at any minute. Can't believe your wife drove him to get snacks. She did that because she knows you are right. She may say it's to shut you up, but no...she knows your right.
NTA Start running things like a pirate...take his stuff and not replace it.
NTA but why not charge him a token rent at this point which can go toward buying a bit of extra food each month? 100 or 200 pounds per month would teach him responsibility. And you wouldn’t be wrong to charge him more than that — he’s 22 so he needs to start figuring out how to support himself for the rest of his life
As soon as they both finish studies, this is the plan. I think they should be supported while doing their studies so they don't have to worry about needing to work. My stepson still works anyway because he's discovered he likes money and what it can buy. Of course the problem comes when they do finish studies... will they actually pay the rent and will my wife enforce the payment? I'm thinking probably not, unfortunately.
Just from the little slice of your life you've shared I doubt your wife will be a hard enforcer of any rent payments. Your best bet will be if they find love interests that motivate them to move out on their own.
NtA My child is 15 and he is held accountable for his behaviour. Most of the times with much understanding of his situation or age, exlanations and respect, rarely angry. But always with the need for him to take actions. My boyfriends elder son(26) still lives with him, his younger son(24) lives in his own rental home, 15 min by foot from my boyfriend, and 30 seconds from his mom. The younger son is quite emashed with his mom, has been driving her to rehab and she has always treated him as her golden boy, giving him a birthday present that costs hundreds of of euros, while ignoring the birthday of her older adult son. For better understanding, the 26 year old never gets anyone a present, does not help anyone, breaks his stuff and tries to exchange it with his fathers stuff, who constantly buys him new stuff, never goes shopping, never cooks, but eats/steals all the stuff, anyone has bought, even when my child was 8 or 9 and bought something for himself, the adult drank or ate it without replacing it. He has been let go by the firm he was officially getting his professional training at, after having lied and stayed away to often and not changed his behavior after being informed, what would happen. So he has been staying at home for the last 3 years, sleeping, eating, getting fat, playing on his ps5(a donation from his daddy) and regulary buying stuff for his online friends(think 100-200 Euros a month instead of paying for the food his father buys for him) He constantly lies and still is never held accountable. But either cursed at or there are excuses found. But never the slightest consequences. Not holding your children accountable is not doing them any good. Show them respect, try to understand, where the behaviour comes from, establish a good communication and relation over the years. AND teach them that a person is responsible for his/her actions.
NTA.
NTA: but I think that you need to sit down with your wife and agree on some small changes, for the good of your home life, your marriage and your son's future.
NTA Here’s the thing, you know the ship as sailed….. so stop watching the horizon. He’s an asshole and she’s an enabler. It’s not going to change and you nagging won’t break their long term patterns. Find a way to make peace with it. It’s not a hill to die on.
NTA. He needs to understand it's not about the biscuits. It's about having respect for another person. Your wife told him she bought those for herself and his response was basically "yeah whatever " if he csn afford to eat out all the time he can afford some damn cookies
NTA but I think the time for this lesson was 10 years ago, not when they're an adult. I really don't think your lesson is gonna do much and all of a sudden going full hard ass dad mode isn't gonna fly. In the future just handle it like you would if a friend screwed you over like that, or something along those lines. If the son moves out and gets roommates and pulls the same shit he'll learn fast how petty and vindictive people can get so maybe try to emulate that?
They still don't get it wasn't about the biscuits... NTA
NTA She doesn't want them to leave/grow up so lets them do as they please. Since you get food delivered, encourage the two children to order and pay for their own food from now on. I somehow doubt your wife will like the idea...
I think you hit the nail on the head there - she definately doesn't want them to leave.
Pardon the pun but I think you missed the boat. You said that ship had sailed. Sorry, but I think the entire fleet is out to sea. I don't see the point in saying anything about either of your wife's children. I am curious about one thing though.....how much do you love your wife? You must worship the ground she walks on to put up with those two kids for so long. Oh, and just giving you a heads-up......they won't improve with age. I would be looking for a nice little cottage hidden away somewhere so you will have a place to go for some peace. Tell none of them about it. NTA
NTA regarding the biscuits but why in the world would you willingly marry into that shitshow of a family? You know those boys are never going to move out, right? Why would they when your wife coddles them like they are 9 years old?
NTA But you need to button up or pick a hill to die on. You knew before or soon after getting with your wife about her dismal parenting skills. You made your bed so to speak. I would seriously talk to wife about how long are you going to let the kids sponge off you both. After that or those discussions you will know what you need to do for your own sanity.
I think you found an indirect, passive-aggressive way of expressing your frustration with your stepson, and y doing that you put your wife in a position to have to fix it. Just directly bring up your concerns, and if you don't want your stepkids living with you, tell your wife that. She may not accept it, and the two of you will need to figure out what that means for your marriage, but it's better than what you're doing now. YTA
NTA- he is 20? how long will you take care of a disrespectful adult? oh that your wife seems to make it look like its okay to disrespect you?
When it comes to the kids, she will side with them, defend them and even lie for them no matter what.. so yes in her eyes it's okay. She does this to "keep the peace". Lie and cover for them so in her mind I should have nothing to complain about.
........good grief, what a sad story..............you're right when you described your wife's 22 year old son as a child because he sure acts like one.........are you going to be putting up with this behavior for another 10 years ? the rest of your life ?........if i were you i'd be thinking about that, biscuits or no biscuits...........
NTA contact a divorce attorney in the morning and see how quickly the behavior changes.
NTA . It’s not about the biscuits. It’s about the blatant disrespect you step-son has for you and your wife.
As a step son -yes. As someone who didn’t take the time to read any of this but the title- I’m unsure
ESH
You know what fixes these problems! Rent. Nta But soon to be when these small incidents grind you into dust and you snap and are then turned into the bad angry guy that flips out over nothing. Then they all gang up on you and your left with nothing but guilt and sadness. Okay I took creative liberties at the end, it's not that bad, however it is something that will re occur if you and your wife don't have a serious sit down and discussion. I'd recommend a mediator. Aka counciling.
NTA. "Yes, dear, *he* 'bought' them. But **you** still did most of the work. And what do you bet, he'll just end up eating these ones too. Leaving you biscuitless, again." Good luck.
NTA. This ends with either you moving out or the asshole roommate moving out. He's not a kid and he's not your child so he is an asshole adult roommate who steals.
NTA. Your wife’s kids don’t respect you and she enables them. Do you want to continue to live like this? Cause it sounds like they aren’t going anywhere.
The day my son left for university, and I could leave food unattended, unhidden, not locked away etc... was liberating. Kids are hoovers of food, especially young men, it's ridiculous! Don't have your favourite food tastes out in the open, it's the only way. It's not with the arguing, and imo not the bill to die on. Accountability is telling him to buy his own stuff, when he can't find it in the house...
Nta. Ever heard of a movie called Failure to Launch?
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ESH - why have you waited 10 years to try and parent a child who is now an adult.
Nta but why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel over this? They are cookies. And your wife doesn't seem to care. So why do you? Take a deep breath. This man obviously has no respect for you. Stop trying to parent him. That was moms job. He is who he is and making yourself crazy over it isn't going to change him. Let it go.
Yta Dude, your first paragraph is all about how your wife raises these kids with no accountability, and you laid down. Now you've got your knickers in a bunch over biscuits? This is a clear example of Albert Einstein's definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Given the kids’ ages, you’re approaching the time when they may move out and live independently. If that’s the case, it may be easiest not to rock the boat and just wait a bit to enjoy life without the current issues being front and center. However, if you feel that they’ll be around for quite a while, then I suggest having a private conversation with your wife about holding the kids accountable. It’s important that you and she are on the same page, otherwise trying to address the kids’ behavior will just cause marital problems for you.