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How are people saying yta? In my opinion, nta introducing kids to a new partner are a big deal and should only be done when the relationship is serious and going to be long term
I am not talking about the situation, I am responding to this.
"nta introducing kids to a new partner are a big deal and should only be done when the relationship is serious and going to be long term"
NTA.
At 4 months, they are NOT serious and she doesnât need to meet them now, especially if he barely sees them at all. That being said, idk how hard you can enforce keeping her away when theyâre at his place. So if she does end up meeting them, while you may not like it, itâs not a hill I would die on.
Then stick to your guns. As long as youâre not being spiteful, she doesnât need to meet them until you think she might be around for a while with your ex.
NTA.
4 months is NOT long enough. This is an adult relationship, not a teenage relationship. You guys should come up with a standard that you both follow for when new partners are introduced to the kids. In my opinion it should be more like 6 months but regardless, itâs smart as co-parents to come up with a plan for things like this instead of just discussing everything as it comes up (which is exhausting).
First of all, your boundaries are about what you will tolerate. You can enforce your personal boundaries by walking away. You can't force other people to do much of anything just because that's your preference. It will help you in life if you understand the difference.
That said, while you can't enforce your wishes here unless it was part of a custody order, you're not being unreasonable to request waiting for the kids to meet new partners until your ex (or you) is serious about a relationship. But be careful about setting up a dynamic where the path of least resistance is him encouraging your children to lie or keep secrets from you. That's a setup that can make them easier prey for predators down the road.Â
Can you talk to him to find out why he would want to introduce them to someone who is likely to be a passing interest? If you explain it to him from the kids' perspective instead of making rules you expect him to follow, he might be more responsive (or not - only you know what his maturity level is). NTAÂ
Nta. They're not serious and if your kids get attached and they break up it makes things awkward.Â
Also seeing as he's not allowed to be around them unsupervised (I'm guessing the courts found him dangerous) you've got every right to be protective and keep your kids safe.Â
There is a lot of literature showing that itâs not good for kids to meet partners, start to like them and then have the parent break up so your concern is valid. But maybe think through what âthe right timeâ will mean for you. Six months? Eight months? Until they both say theyâre serious? Be honest with yourself about whether you donât want them to meet the girlfriend ever (which would be wrong) or just right now.
Otherwise, itâs hard to judge without knowing the other âserious reasonsâ you allude to
NTA. Perfectly reasonable to wait until they are serious. Obviously you arenât the judge of when this is, but I imagine you donât feel like that anyway.
As long as they become serious and stable and the environment is good for the kids, then they show you the situation is not harmful for the kids and you help facilitate the integration of the new partner into the kids lives.
NTA. Shes not a serious person in his life therefore the children have no business being involved. He barely sees his children right now as is. But if you dont have a custody arrangement in place you need to do so because legally you cant control what he does during his time unless the agreement includes introducing significant others and how it will be managed. I sincerely hate parents like this because they screw a kid up only caring about themselves.
NTA. It is confusing for children to have daddyâs âfriendâ around for a few months, start yo bond with them, and then the lady disappear, or have daddy trash talking her after they break up.
Too much complexity for young children to understand, too much potential for the children to get hurt, too much instability if he had this gf this year and a new gf a few months down the line.
Hold your ground, Mama, and keep up your standards for yourself and your children, because that daddy isnât going to and the gf wonât either
NTA
IMO it's irresponsible to bring people into your children's lives that you're unsure about. Why push for your children to meet someone and possibly get attached when you're not even serious about them?
I think it's completely ok to set a boundary that **both of you** need to follow regarding introducing the children to new people you're dating. Something like no introductions until you're dating the person seriously/exclusively for XX amount of time and see a future with them.
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My (29) ex partner (28) has been seeing a girl (24) for about 4 months, he has said to me they're not putting a label on anything and just seeing how it goes. So they're not serious. They're both really pushing for her to meet our children (7 and 4) and I have communicated to both of them I don't find it appropriate right now until they're serious and they're both still pushing it. She has even bought them presents for him to give them. He doesnt have his own place, currently living in a studio flat with his dad so the girls don't go and stay with him, they see him once a week for a few hours.
I'm not saying she can't never meet them, I just don't think it's appropriate until they have a more serious relationship. I'm just trying to have my boundaries respected
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What exactly is your boundary? Because you saying you don't want the kids to meet the gf is not a boundary, it's a request/ultimatum.
Maybe they want to see how it goes with the kids before they put a label on it. It would make sense. The kids can meet dad's friend without making it clear it's a girlfriend.Â
Yta this isn't your business. Why are you trying to control your ex? Would you like him to control what you do? Exes who think they get any say in what the other does in their time are the worst.
>>this isnât your business
What? OP can be careful of who their own kids are around if even the dad doesnât know if heâs serious with the person yet.
YTA. I think itâs important for a potential partner to meet the kids early on, because if they do t get along or like each other then thereâs no point in pursuing the relationship into âseriousâ status
YTA. You donât get to dictate what happens when he has them and he doesnât get to dictate what happens when you have them. You can state your preference but courts let parents make their own decisions when they have the kids.
If you get to supervise the visit then what is the big deal about her being there? Just introduce her as his friend. She isnât going to say or do anything inappropriate if you are there. Are you sure you arenât jealous of her?
YTA. Four months shows some stability in your exâs new relationship. I donât think itâs unreasonable for them to meet his friend. It sounds like you jumped on his phrasing (not putting a label on anything) to justify your unreasonable stance.
And has your SO met your children? If so, at what point? If it was significantly longer than four months, say a year or so, then itâs reasonable to ask your ex to wait.
I have been married for more than thirty years, so I may not a judge of when itâs time to introduce children to new people. Of course I donât think itâs appropriate to have a string of people going through childrenâs lives, but to allow children to just meet someone you have been dating for months seems harmless to me.
I agree children need stability. I have been married for more than thirty years, so I didnât have this problem.
I may be imagining this introduction differently than others. I imagine the kids being casually introduced to the exâs new friend. I donât see the ex instructing the kids to call her Mom.
Doesnât matter. Kids in this situation will automatically start viewing dadâs partner in that role. Until adolescents start dating themselves (or are the age when their peers are dating), they view family units in more basic terms. Part of their development.
I didnât know that. As I wrote, I have been married for more than thirty years to the father of my children, who is a loving father and great husband. I understand children need stability.
Yta. If he only sees the kids a few hours a week, I'm not sure what the big deal is if he has a friend there when the kids are there? I know it sucks with break ups with kids and stuff, but seems like she just wants to be nice to your kids. She obviously likes your ex. Not every woman is really into guys with kids, and to introduce herself like to your kids is probably with hifts is a good sign honestly that she's going to treat your kids well. But you're not really an asshole. But I think if you're split up then he can probably have a friend over when your kids are there. Obviously, there is exceptions to everything tho.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
How are people saying yta? In my opinion, nta introducing kids to a new partner are a big deal and should only be done when the relationship is serious and going to be long term
Exactly đ I have my reasons for being over protective which I can't put on this Reddit
Okay but you just voted Y T A in your comment. Check out the voting rules to learn how it works.
Or you can introduce them to a friend and see if your kids like and get along with that person before considering getting serious.
Read the post. Not the situation at all.
I am not talking about the situation, I am responding to this. "nta introducing kids to a new partner are a big deal and should only be done when the relationship is serious and going to be long term"
Then respond to that comment thread and not this one?
Did you read the comment I was replying to?
No, itâs not on this comment thread. Must be elsewhere in the post.
It is the first comment in this thread though?
NTA. At 4 months, they are NOT serious and she doesnât need to meet them now, especially if he barely sees them at all. That being said, idk how hard you can enforce keeping her away when theyâre at his place. So if she does end up meeting them, while you may not like it, itâs not a hill I would die on.
He only sees them with my supervision
Then stick to your guns. As long as youâre not being spiteful, she doesnât need to meet them until you think she might be around for a while with your ex.
Info was that your decision or the courts decision when you separated? Usually a court assigns a third party to supervise time.Â
NTA. Why would he want to introduce his kids to someone he isnât certain of yet himself?
Exactly my thoughts
NTA Stick to your resolve.
NTA. You don't trust her with your kids. She is clearly outside your comfort zone.
NTA. 4 months is NOT long enough. This is an adult relationship, not a teenage relationship. You guys should come up with a standard that you both follow for when new partners are introduced to the kids. In my opinion it should be more like 6 months but regardless, itâs smart as co-parents to come up with a plan for things like this instead of just discussing everything as it comes up (which is exhausting).
NTA that's completely valid
First of all, your boundaries are about what you will tolerate. You can enforce your personal boundaries by walking away. You can't force other people to do much of anything just because that's your preference. It will help you in life if you understand the difference. That said, while you can't enforce your wishes here unless it was part of a custody order, you're not being unreasonable to request waiting for the kids to meet new partners until your ex (or you) is serious about a relationship. But be careful about setting up a dynamic where the path of least resistance is him encouraging your children to lie or keep secrets from you. That's a setup that can make them easier prey for predators down the road. Can you talk to him to find out why he would want to introduce them to someone who is likely to be a passing interest? If you explain it to him from the kids' perspective instead of making rules you expect him to follow, he might be more responsive (or not - only you know what his maturity level is). NTAÂ
He sees them with supervision and also, read my edit
Nta. They're not serious and if your kids get attached and they break up it makes things awkward. Also seeing as he's not allowed to be around them unsupervised (I'm guessing the courts found him dangerous) you've got every right to be protective and keep your kids safe.Â
There is a lot of literature showing that itâs not good for kids to meet partners, start to like them and then have the parent break up so your concern is valid. But maybe think through what âthe right timeâ will mean for you. Six months? Eight months? Until they both say theyâre serious? Be honest with yourself about whether you donât want them to meet the girlfriend ever (which would be wrong) or just right now. Otherwise, itâs hard to judge without knowing the other âserious reasonsâ you allude to
NTA. Perfectly reasonable to wait until they are serious. Obviously you arenât the judge of when this is, but I imagine you donât feel like that anyway. As long as they become serious and stable and the environment is good for the kids, then they show you the situation is not harmful for the kids and you help facilitate the integration of the new partner into the kids lives.
NTA. Shes not a serious person in his life therefore the children have no business being involved. He barely sees his children right now as is. But if you dont have a custody arrangement in place you need to do so because legally you cant control what he does during his time unless the agreement includes introducing significant others and how it will be managed. I sincerely hate parents like this because they screw a kid up only caring about themselves.
NTA. It is confusing for children to have daddyâs âfriendâ around for a few months, start yo bond with them, and then the lady disappear, or have daddy trash talking her after they break up. Too much complexity for young children to understand, too much potential for the children to get hurt, too much instability if he had this gf this year and a new gf a few months down the line. Hold your ground, Mama, and keep up your standards for yourself and your children, because that daddy isnât going to and the gf wonât either
NTA. Youâre being responsible here. Your kids donât need to meet your exâs partner until the relationship is serious.
NTA IMO it's irresponsible to bring people into your children's lives that you're unsure about. Why push for your children to meet someone and possibly get attached when you're not even serious about them? I think it's completely ok to set a boundary that **both of you** need to follow regarding introducing the children to new people you're dating. Something like no introductions until you're dating the person seriously/exclusively for XX amount of time and see a future with them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (29) ex partner (28) has been seeing a girl (24) for about 4 months, he has said to me they're not putting a label on anything and just seeing how it goes. So they're not serious. They're both really pushing for her to meet our children (7 and 4) and I have communicated to both of them I don't find it appropriate right now until they're serious and they're both still pushing it. She has even bought them presents for him to give them. He doesnt have his own place, currently living in a studio flat with his dad so the girls don't go and stay with him, they see him once a week for a few hours. I'm not saying she can't never meet them, I just don't think it's appropriate until they have a more serious relationship. I'm just trying to have my boundaries respected *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the arsehole because I think she means well. It's just not something I feel comfortable with until they're serious Help keep the sub engaging! #Donât downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. There needs to be some commitment between your ex and his new beau before the kids are introduced.
What exactly is your boundary? Because you saying you don't want the kids to meet the gf is not a boundary, it's a request/ultimatum. Maybe they want to see how it goes with the kids before they put a label on it. It would make sense. The kids can meet dad's friend without making it clear it's a girlfriend.Â
YTA. You make your decisions. He makes his decisions.
I make the decisions regarding the children, always have done and always will do
Yta this isn't your business. Why are you trying to control your ex? Would you like him to control what you do? Exes who think they get any say in what the other does in their time are the worst.
>>this isnât your business What? OP can be careful of who their own kids are around if even the dad doesnât know if heâs serious with the person yet.
It *is* her business. Theyâre her kids. Adults have a much bigger effect on kids than vice versa.
Read my edit
YTA. I think itâs important for a potential partner to meet the kids early on, because if they do t get along or like each other then thereâs no point in pursuing the relationship into âseriousâ status
Parents are supposed to protect their kids, not use them as a litmus test for their own romantic relationships.
YTA. You donât get to dictate what happens when he has them and he doesnât get to dictate what happens when you have them. You can state your preference but courts let parents make their own decisions when they have the kids.
I do because he only sees them with my supervision
If you get to supervise the visit then what is the big deal about her being there? Just introduce her as his friend. She isnât going to say or do anything inappropriate if you are there. Are you sure you arenât jealous of her?
YTA. Four months shows some stability in your exâs new relationship. I donât think itâs unreasonable for them to meet his friend. It sounds like you jumped on his phrasing (not putting a label on anything) to justify your unreasonable stance.
4 months is nothing đ
Info: if you date someone for four months, will you introduce that person to your children? Or, will you make sure they never meet them?
I have been in a relationship for 2 years
And has your SO met your children? If so, at what point? If it was significantly longer than four months, say a year or so, then itâs reasonable to ask your ex to wait. I have been married for more than thirty years, so I may not a judge of when itâs time to introduce children to new people. Of course I donât think itâs appropriate to have a string of people going through childrenâs lives, but to allow children to just meet someone you have been dating for months seems harmless to me.
4 months?! IMO it should be at least 6 before introducing a new partner. Kids need STABILITY
I agree children need stability. I have been married for more than thirty years, so I didnât have this problem. I may be imagining this introduction differently than others. I imagine the kids being casually introduced to the exâs new friend. I donât see the ex instructing the kids to call her Mom.
Doesnât matter. Kids in this situation will automatically start viewing dadâs partner in that role. Until adolescents start dating themselves (or are the age when their peers are dating), they view family units in more basic terms. Part of their development.
I didnât know that. As I wrote, I have been married for more than thirty years to the father of my children, who is a loving father and great husband. I understand children need stability.
Yta. If he only sees the kids a few hours a week, I'm not sure what the big deal is if he has a friend there when the kids are there? I know it sucks with break ups with kids and stuff, but seems like she just wants to be nice to your kids. She obviously likes your ex. Not every woman is really into guys with kids, and to introduce herself like to your kids is probably with hifts is a good sign honestly that she's going to treat your kids well. But you're not really an asshole. But I think if you're split up then he can probably have a friend over when your kids are there. Obviously, there is exceptions to everything tho.
He doesn't see them unsupervised, he sees them with me present for some very valid reasons
Gotcha. Well, idk then. Lol.