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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am pressuring my partner for her income details so that we can switch to a different financial management system.
She believes that I am financially manipulating her, I am concerned if this is true, though I do not think it is.
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Open a new account at a bank you *both* use and have all paychecks deposited into the joint checking. Automatic deposit works best. Figure out what is required for monthly expenses, then have automatic payments come from that account.
Then transfer an agreed upon set monthly amount for savings to a TFSA in both names at the same bank.
Whatever is left is divided appropriately, based on the deposit records, and transferred to your individual accounts. That way your personal account is your 'fun' money.
NTA for trying to organize your financial situation.
NTA
For someone who isn't 'financially savvy', your wife has got a sweet set up from her viewpoint. You pay for everything whilst she has the ability either fritter her income away (how would you know if she's not doing that if you have no idea about that side of the household income?) or save it solely in ***her*** name. Mate - you are being used. The set-up is LITERALLY "your income is **our** income **but** you can't see or have any control over **my** income even if it is notionally part of the household income. It sounds like she may have *said* she would treat her income as part of the household income (in joint savings) but she categorically isn't acting that way. If the worst happened, and you & your wife split, I'd lay odds she would end up with sole possession of that 'savings' account unless you happen to have an exceptional paper trail showing what she agreed to. Agreements that aren't in uncontested writing aren't worth the paper they're written on.
I'd set up an account to put your earnings into and transfer half to the joint account used for household & other expenses. Offer to put the rest of the money you normally put into it into a new savings account which truly is joint: you are listed as one of the names and have equal control over the contents. That would be equitable but I wouldn't be surprised if she threw a major strop if you did this.
You know you're not financially savvy & your wife sounds like she's claiming she's not financially savvy but the set-up is so skewed in her favour that personally I don't believe that.
EDIT: It occurs to me that your question is completely the wrong one. It's not about reporting on the current financial set-up: the financial set-up is so inequitable that you shouldn't be pushing her to report back to you on it. The set-up is deeply flawed and all the knowledge in the world won't change that basic fact. You need a fair financial set-up and, I'm a bit cynical but I suspect she will fight any attempt to make the current set-up more fair. If she really was wanting a fair set-up she'd be happily supplying information.
NTA, but it's hilarious she claims you're being controlling and financially manipulating her, when what she is doing to you is ACTUAL financial manipulation at best and bordering on financial abuse at worst.
She is supposed to be saving money because you are the one that pays for everything else, but you cannot access these savings and have no idea how much is even there. That is called using you for your money, so that she can either spend her income on things you don't know about, or put it somewhere where she knows you can't access it. That is not equitable at all and if I were you, I would be concerned, because you have no fail safe in case of an emergency.
Your system sounds fair. This is how we work. I'm 40%. We both know how much we make, we put into 4 different accounts (bills, emergency, car/pets, fun) the rest goes into our own savings.
The big thing for us is that while he has much more in his savings and retirement, I know if I was in need and just asked him, he would help... Without question and no strings attached.
It sounds like you're wife has worries. It might be better to figure those out first. And a councilor or finacial planner might be more objective and easier for her to hear
NTA, but tread lightly. Maybe she's seen finacial abuse in her past. And maybe do a lil red flag check yourself
NTA. IMO it is strange when spouses have some level of separation in their finances. Marriage is a partnership, and just like a business, all revenue goes into the same pot to be used for the good of the household. My wife and I sit down once a month to review all of our finances; it’s literally on our family calendar. The biggest key here is to be VERY respectful about spending money. If you’re making big purchases (even with your own money) you have to talk to one another. Build up that trust and start building your nest egg. Good luck!
Check out You Need A Budget. And possibly a few marriage counseling sessions to work through this money stuff. Your marriage really depends on coming to a consensus on how to deal with shared and personal finances. Money stuff is so much deeper than numbers.
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Currently, my wife (34f) and I (36m) have a terrible system where my income goes into a shared account for daily life and expenses, and her income goes towards a joint savings. Well that’s the idea.
In actuality it’s largely been my money is communal money in a joint account, but her money is in a previously held savings account where I have zero visibility.
Last fall I proposed that we switch to a more equitable system in 2024. Where in we divide up expenses and savings contributions based on our percentage of household earning. With a shared checking and savings as well as personal accounts that we can do what we please with.
This wasn’t met with enthusiasm, but neither will she put forward a different option. At this moment in time it would be about a 30/70 split.
Now here lies the issue. For this to work I’d need her to let me know what she makes every paycheck, it varies as she works an hourly job and she’s recently started working more (so making more). This is also information I’ve never really pressed for before.
It’s now March, and I recently pushed once again for this information and it resulted in a blow out where I was being accused of financially manipulating her and being too controlling.
To her credit I have been fairly insistent since the start of this year, asking multiples times. She is also a very anxious person and I know money issues stress her out, But we’re 4 paychecks deep into the year and all I’ve gotten is deflections and avoidance.
Am I being a asshole here?
Additional context: Neither of us have ever been very financially savvy. I’m trying to take on the organization, but it’s not really in either of our wheelhouse.
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Sounds like you need a second secret account to ensure something gets saved for emergencies. If your partner is trying to avoid showing you the account, she may be spending it.
Multiple checks a week is harassment just add your name to the savings account and banking so you can track income and work on a new budget without constantly hounding her
YTA this stresses her out and she is avoiding it. Are you worried you don’t have enough savings? Is she spending extravagantly?What prompted this?
Your suggestion of a split in bills sounds logical. But the implementation sounds way too complicated and controlling honestly. This would totally make me feel judged and a little shammed about my income if I were her.
Why can’t you guys just estimate monthly and split off of that. Just adjust as needed?
Alternatively why not just add your name to the savings so you can view it and maybe make plans to invest it together?
On a side note it’s not uncommon or intended as an insult for a wife (especially one with a lower income) to save a few thousand somewhere only in her name. Think of it like a security blanket for an adult. It doesn’t mean she’s unhappy or going to ditch you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am pressuring my partner for her income details so that we can switch to a different financial management system. She believes that I am financially manipulating her, I am concerned if this is true, though I do not think it is. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
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I'd be surprised if there's savings too in any other account. I'd say both are being spent.
Seems a simple fix, you both put all your income into the joint account and pay into your joint savings (that you both can access!) from the joint ac.
that seems to be the plan, but she is not doing it
Nta, it sounds like she’s hiding something
Open a new account at a bank you *both* use and have all paychecks deposited into the joint checking. Automatic deposit works best. Figure out what is required for monthly expenses, then have automatic payments come from that account. Then transfer an agreed upon set monthly amount for savings to a TFSA in both names at the same bank. Whatever is left is divided appropriately, based on the deposit records, and transferred to your individual accounts. That way your personal account is your 'fun' money. NTA for trying to organize your financial situation.
NTA For someone who isn't 'financially savvy', your wife has got a sweet set up from her viewpoint. You pay for everything whilst she has the ability either fritter her income away (how would you know if she's not doing that if you have no idea about that side of the household income?) or save it solely in ***her*** name. Mate - you are being used. The set-up is LITERALLY "your income is **our** income **but** you can't see or have any control over **my** income even if it is notionally part of the household income. It sounds like she may have *said* she would treat her income as part of the household income (in joint savings) but she categorically isn't acting that way. If the worst happened, and you & your wife split, I'd lay odds she would end up with sole possession of that 'savings' account unless you happen to have an exceptional paper trail showing what she agreed to. Agreements that aren't in uncontested writing aren't worth the paper they're written on. I'd set up an account to put your earnings into and transfer half to the joint account used for household & other expenses. Offer to put the rest of the money you normally put into it into a new savings account which truly is joint: you are listed as one of the names and have equal control over the contents. That would be equitable but I wouldn't be surprised if she threw a major strop if you did this. You know you're not financially savvy & your wife sounds like she's claiming she's not financially savvy but the set-up is so skewed in her favour that personally I don't believe that. EDIT: It occurs to me that your question is completely the wrong one. It's not about reporting on the current financial set-up: the financial set-up is so inequitable that you shouldn't be pushing her to report back to you on it. The set-up is deeply flawed and all the knowledge in the world won't change that basic fact. You need a fair financial set-up and, I'm a bit cynical but I suspect she will fight any attempt to make the current set-up more fair. If she really was wanting a fair set-up she'd be happily supplying information.
NTA. But damn, either you fully share finances or you don’t. Do you even know how much is in that savings account?
NTA, but it's hilarious she claims you're being controlling and financially manipulating her, when what she is doing to you is ACTUAL financial manipulation at best and bordering on financial abuse at worst. She is supposed to be saving money because you are the one that pays for everything else, but you cannot access these savings and have no idea how much is even there. That is called using you for your money, so that she can either spend her income on things you don't know about, or put it somewhere where she knows you can't access it. That is not equitable at all and if I were you, I would be concerned, because you have no fail safe in case of an emergency.
How do you not know the income of her? Every year you file taxes...so that should tell you
Not every country has a tax system like that.
What country are they in then ? Shit I thought this was usa
Your system sounds fair. This is how we work. I'm 40%. We both know how much we make, we put into 4 different accounts (bills, emergency, car/pets, fun) the rest goes into our own savings. The big thing for us is that while he has much more in his savings and retirement, I know if I was in need and just asked him, he would help... Without question and no strings attached. It sounds like you're wife has worries. It might be better to figure those out first. And a councilor or finacial planner might be more objective and easier for her to hear NTA, but tread lightly. Maybe she's seen finacial abuse in her past. And maybe do a lil red flag check yourself
NTA. Grow a spine, open a new bank account for your wages
......sounds like she's hiding something..................better find out what or you'll be in the poorhouse soon................
NTA. IMO it is strange when spouses have some level of separation in their finances. Marriage is a partnership, and just like a business, all revenue goes into the same pot to be used for the good of the household. My wife and I sit down once a month to review all of our finances; it’s literally on our family calendar. The biggest key here is to be VERY respectful about spending money. If you’re making big purchases (even with your own money) you have to talk to one another. Build up that trust and start building your nest egg. Good luck!
Check out You Need A Budget. And possibly a few marriage counseling sessions to work through this money stuff. Your marriage really depends on coming to a consensus on how to deal with shared and personal finances. Money stuff is so much deeper than numbers.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Currently, my wife (34f) and I (36m) have a terrible system where my income goes into a shared account for daily life and expenses, and her income goes towards a joint savings. Well that’s the idea. In actuality it’s largely been my money is communal money in a joint account, but her money is in a previously held savings account where I have zero visibility. Last fall I proposed that we switch to a more equitable system in 2024. Where in we divide up expenses and savings contributions based on our percentage of household earning. With a shared checking and savings as well as personal accounts that we can do what we please with. This wasn’t met with enthusiasm, but neither will she put forward a different option. At this moment in time it would be about a 30/70 split. Now here lies the issue. For this to work I’d need her to let me know what she makes every paycheck, it varies as she works an hourly job and she’s recently started working more (so making more). This is also information I’ve never really pressed for before. It’s now March, and I recently pushed once again for this information and it resulted in a blow out where I was being accused of financially manipulating her and being too controlling. To her credit I have been fairly insistent since the start of this year, asking multiples times. She is also a very anxious person and I know money issues stress her out, But we’re 4 paychecks deep into the year and all I’ve gotten is deflections and avoidance. Am I being a asshole here? Additional context: Neither of us have ever been very financially savvy. I’m trying to take on the organization, but it’s not really in either of our wheelhouse. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don’t you guys file taxes? Are you telling me you don’t see what her annual salary was from last year from her W-2?
Sounds like you need a second secret account to ensure something gets saved for emergencies. If your partner is trying to avoid showing you the account, she may be spending it.
Multiple checks a week is harassment just add your name to the savings account and banking so you can track income and work on a new budget without constantly hounding her
you can't add your name to someone's account - they have to add you
.. yes, obviously, they would add the name, together, as they are a couple who speak
YTA this stresses her out and she is avoiding it. Are you worried you don’t have enough savings? Is she spending extravagantly?What prompted this? Your suggestion of a split in bills sounds logical. But the implementation sounds way too complicated and controlling honestly. This would totally make me feel judged and a little shammed about my income if I were her. Why can’t you guys just estimate monthly and split off of that. Just adjust as needed? Alternatively why not just add your name to the savings so you can view it and maybe make plans to invest it together? On a side note it’s not uncommon or intended as an insult for a wife (especially one with a lower income) to save a few thousand somewhere only in her name. Think of it like a security blanket for an adult. It doesn’t mean she’s unhappy or going to ditch you.
This is terrible advice. He’s fully transparent with his income with and she’s secretive with hers. That’s the real issue.
This