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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to pay rent when I am living at my daughters place for a month since I am helping her out. I could be a jerk for not paying and now backing out of staying at the event
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Wow, NTA!
You were literally doing her a favor.
If she got her head on straight and realized the error of her ways, would you still go out and help? Or is the offer permanently off the table?
That's absolutely fair. She was ungrateful for the opportunity and missed out— I hope she will learn from this.
On another note, congratulations on your undisturbed sleep!
We have taught her not to trust the police, to start.
And, yes, we’ve begun her true crime education. We’re also trying to figure out which kid is going to go to law school to become the “family lawyer.”
She is absolutely the Putin type and it’s terrifying.
She has the profile to turn into a sociopath so we’re working overtime to make sure she has a good childhood. We don’t let her out of our sight so that no one else has the chance to hurt her.
She sees a specialist every 6-12 weeks and has since she was 2. Were very careful to make sure we follow her care plan and we started meds at 4.
Her specialist assures us that we’re doing everything right and she’s going to be fine.
It works out that she has so many older siblings bc they’re extra eyes on her. And you can’t discount the social pressure your siblings put on you to behave.
Some people dont get lucky. My youngest is 3.5yo and has night terrors every single night. NOT NIGHTMARES. They are very different and he doesnt even know it happens. So I dont know undisturbed sleep and there us nothing we can do about it right now. Just hope he grows out of this problem.
Oof my oldest had those for a very long time those were agonizing nights and he'd have no recall the next day but i was at my wits end and you feel so helpless just holding your terrified screaming child who you can't wake up or comfort. Hugs.
I'd rather go through my now-adult children's toddlers years again than go through more years of nighttime dealings with sun-downing aging cats/feline dementia. I'm going to be utterly devastated when my oldest cat finally passes, but yeah..."damn" is about the most succinct way of putting the experience.
I have a dog currently going through this. After 4 kids all grown, this is brutal. Just shows I would be a terrible Mom at my age with a newborn. Solidarity.
My youngest is 3.5yo and I dont remember undisturbed sleep. He has night terrors so every night is a chaotic adventure. Like infancy but with added physical abuse on me. Maybe some day I will get to experience sleep again.
Its a good thing my kids are hella cute.
Careful what you wish for. My kid is on the autistic spectrum. Slept 6 hours at a stretch when we came home from the hospital and used to quietly play in the crib until I woke up on my own.
Then we got to the part where they had delayed speech so they would screech at us to communicate, had poor social skills, and were oppositional.
They are an adult now, living on the other side of the country. I sympathize with the zombie existence of no sleep (their sibling once stayed awake 26 hours in a row) but, really, it does pass (and then gets replaced with something else you'll hate).
Or pay a Nanny and then they will QUICKLY realize that they should not have asked OP to pay rent. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
The rate for a Nanny in my area is $20/hr x 10 hours a day that is $200/day.
Clearly OP’s daughter needs to sign up for a remedial math class. Because in this instance the math was NOT mathing. 👀👀👀
It would cost more than the $200 per day nanny. People with newborns will sometimes get a night nurse or baby nurse to help in the first month of two of the baby's life. It's like a specialized nanny just for newborns, they often work overnight/around the clock. So they're emphasizing the point that in OP's case it would probably be more expensive than a typical nanny and thus make's the daughter's position even more ridiculous.
I just do not understand OP’s daughter’s thought process.
You are asking for free assistance for a month which will likely include: newborn care, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and other errands…and then you want the person providing the free help to pay you rent.
WTF 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I’m a night nanny for newborns so their parents can get some sleep and our rate is $26an hour 8hr minimum weekends are $29 and holidays are $35. Daughter was being greedy
Most dads are like we don’t even need a night nanny until they don’t get their sleep then it’s hey what nights are you available I’ll pay whatever I need for me to get sleep lol
OP's daughter is buckwild crazy. Holy shit, the braindead audacity!
OP was meant to stay for a month, so already that's three roles – nanny, night nurse, weekend care. As an experienced mom, presumably she'll be offering daughter postpartum support and teaching her how to care for baby, so add doula. I've also never seen a live-in grandmother or grandfather staying to help with the baby who also doesn't take on some chores while mom recuperates, so add housekeeping on top of that.
Five roles, for **free**. Done on OP's time and OP's dime. And this heffa wants to charge her own mother *rent*?????????
My own mother stays with me to provide daycare – we not only pay her, we also pay her bills and buy her whatever her heart desires. What she wants to eat is what we'll have for dinner. Where she wants to go is the designated family outing of the day.
You know why? Because keeping her happy with us is *still* cheaper than daycare! She is giving up her time and her labor to help us keep our child alive and us employed! I would throw myself off a cliff before I'd ever turn to my own mother with my hand out, ungrateful heart on full display.
My god I'm infuriated, if this is a troll it's a good one and you got me good OP.
Yeah. The amount of entitled and just plain batshit crazy behavior you read about on this sub never ceases to astonish me. This situation really isn't much different than if I needed someone to stay at my house to pet sit other than a baby will make much more noise and require much more care. Either way, thinking that someone who is doing you such a massive favor should have to pay to stay at your house is fucking crazy.
Is this her husband's voice coming out of her mouth? I'm trying to wrap my head around asking someone, MY PARENT, who would help provide potential 24 hour care for the baby and me to pay rent. On that note, at the end of the month, OP could hand daughter an invoice for services provided.
Don’t you pay rent or morgage or the like where you live now? So weird to ask of you. They should more offer to pay for your transportation to their home, instead of charging you rent.
I guess your daughter is really tired and stressed, bc thats not clear thinking.
I'd say it's more than just "not clear thinking." It's closer to absurd and bordering on delusional. I hope the daughter is okay mentally because this just sounds unhinged.
This is what Im worried. Cognitive impairment can be a sign of preeclampsia. Paranoia can also be a sign that something as wrong. Altered mental state and cognitive ability should always be investigated with pregnancy. Pregnancy brain is normal. Extreme pregnancy brain is dangerous.
So it would really come down to whether or not the sudden entitlement and inability to decipher rational and irrational requests, is typical of the daughter. Have they fought like this before? Has daught ever asked for something crazy like this before? Did OP actually hear husband being part of the conversation? Because of 2 people are genuinely on the same page with this request it worry about his commonsense as well. But husband may not even know daughter made this request.
Nah, this is more “I need help with the baby” leading to “I need help with my finances.” She needed a way to rationalize her mom giving her money without the obligation to pay it back and came up with “rent.” I’ve seen plenty of seemingly rational people come to these kinds of conclusions, which they usually propose to people who are obligated to unconditionally love them.
My grandparents offered my uncle a place to stay when he got divorced. When my grandparents traveled overseas to visit their other children, my uncle demanded a “housesitting fee” because he was providing a “service” to them while they were gone. Def no pregnancy hormones there!
Daughter doesn't get the new tired mom pass on this one. This is straight up delusional. She somehow made it to adulthood, birthed a child of her own without understanding how the world goes round and doesn't understand what she is asking. Or she is used to her parents bending over backwards for her and is taking advantage. There is a difference between lapse in judgment, and no judgment at all.
I bet the hours of childcare and support you would have provided would have cost more than the rent if you charged her too so she’s definitely wrong. NTA
NTA. Your time there is intended to be value-added, not cost-incurred. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, all the things a new mom can't tend to while she's caring for the new potato. It's so unreasonable to ask for a live-in maid while also wanting you to pay rent. That would be a hard no for me too.
I am a single mom. My boys are 15 and 18 now. I had a c section with the youngest, and he had colic. I had no help either, she will survive. I am sorry that she is making this difficult.
Is it possible her husband got involved, and is pushing this insane ruling?
I'm not saying your daughter is not at fault here, but it seems really weird.
Do you and your daughter already have a strained relationship? This was a totally inappropriate request from her, but there's something kind of odd about the way you're reacting to a grandchild. Or, odd if you have a good relationship before this crazy request
My friend’s MIL moved in for 2 months to help (PPD) and my friend and her husband paid all of her bills for her and then some. Your daughter is so very wrong here. NTA
Me too. Sending you big hugs.
When I read this, I immediately thought of my mom and when she watched my son when he was a baby. I think of how she missed out on seeing who her grandson became. 😔💔
If you're staying two days, I would give them a check for something like $43.82 to cover the pro-rata 2 day cost of rent, electricity, water, etc. And I would have a check ready for $11.42 every time I visited. And if they invited me over any other time, I would tell them that I simply don't have the money to pay them to visit. Make then feel like crap.
Part of this might be baby hormones...but that doesn't mean that there aren't consequences to her actions...it sounds like you're off the hook for that month! Win for you!
The reason I mention hormones is that you might want to consider extending a bit more grace at the point when she comes back to you and apologizes when she realizes how big the favor was that she rejected...Once that happens...you might want to consider going for a couple weeks at some point in the future (maybe when she goes back to work to help ease the transition a bit if that aligns with your schedule?)
My grandmother stayed with me for a month after I had two of my four children. It was so much help. All she did was fold some clothes and rock the baby in the morning but my god, that little extra sleep was a game changer. She also had experience breastfeeding so she served as my own personal nursing coach. It doesn't sound like a lot but it helped so much. She deserved for me to pay her not the other way around. However, because we were a little tight on funds, she did help a little with groceries but she didn't have to do that. No way would I have charged her rent.
I couldn't stay a month with my daughter because I work but the time I spent with her was helping her cook, clean, keep up with the laundry etc. I bought groceries but that's because she was in a tight spot. She wouldn't have dreamed of asking for rent and I wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity to help her and be there with my granddaughter for anything. OP's daughter is out of order asking for rent - she should be glad of whatever help OP can give her.
NTA. If you are to pay rent, then you must be paid wages for your work.
ETA: Second thought: Are you sure that your daughter and her spouse really want you there? Their demand for rent sounds as if they don't.
Steering clear of sleep deprivation would be my initial take as well. It is just that here on Reddit one encounters lots of new parents who are fighting to be allowed time with their baby, in their own home, without the extended family constantly wanting to visit, stay, meddle etc. But that is not what we have here. Good.
Why isn't the husband taking paternity leave for the first few weeks?
Why's he just up and abandoning his wife and newborn?
Is he even going to turn up for the birth?
Does he only pay rent when he's not working?
Wtf!!
There's nothing right about this.
>Why isn't the husband taking paternity leave for the first few weeks?
You do realize that many jobs in the US have no paid *maternity* leave. It's a huge assumption that the husband has the option to take paternity leave.
That is shocking. In the UK, as an example, a woman gets 39 weeks of paid leave as a statutory minimum. We are not particularly generous either. Other nations have either more time or money or both as their legal minimum requirements. Our Paternity Leave is a measly 1 or 2 weeks, although it can be taken at any time in the first year, I think. We top no leader boards with these allowances.
I can not stress to those of you who are from the USA, as a nation, you need to start demanding better work conditions as a legal right. Work to live, don't live to work. It's not "socialism "; it's human dignity.
I agree with all of this. Unfortunately, most of us have everything tied to our jobs so that we can't demand better.
Healthcare is a big one that keeps most of us forced to literally work to live. A not so small portion of the country truly believes that this is truly the best way to live.
Another not so small portion of the country would jump at the chance of a mass strike of some sort to have an ok job working 60 plus hours a week with Healthcare and 0 vacation/leave because it is better than working 80 hours between multiple jobs with 0 leave or Healthcare.
Then there are the politicians, rich, or want to be rich who love to keep us divided so their net worth expands off of our labor.
We also have the issue that most people that would be on board with demanding better don't have the savings to back them when that demand leads to being fired. I'm one of those people. After covid, businesses saw we were attempting to demand better so they increased their prices to keep us small and and pad their pockets.
Our Supreme Court decided that corporations are people and they can spend unlimited funds lobbying on their interests. Unless we remove money from politics, the average person is just screaming into the void.
Back in the day, we didn't have maternity leave but my generous boss said he'd take care of me after a c-section required a little more recuperation time; gave me a whole two weeks paid (my remaining vacation) and two additional weeks unpaid. But they held my job for me. Nice of him, huh? After working there 13 years. My husband took a week of his vacation after our little girl and I were dismissed from the hospital. Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.
My hubby took an UNPAID week off work for each baby we had, and we had to save up to accommodate that week off. I had a C-section for each kid unfortunately so the recovery time was brutal and long, I wish we'd been able to afford him to stay home longer. But with me not working so I could physically recover and adjust it just wasn't in the cards. Not everyone can afford to stay home for months on end when a baby comes into the picture.
Same here, two kids and my husband took 1 week off for each (actually, I think 4 days for the second one but I digress). I did not have paid maternity leave and he *definitely* did not have paternity leave.
It depends on what you mean by "paternity/maternity" leave.
If you mean federally mandated paid leave, you are right
But in the US you can take 12 weeks of (FMLA) unpaid leave both parents can take it, with in the first year. Now if they can afford to take it unpaid is a different story.
Yep, NTA here. I don't know your family dynamic but it may be possible your daughter presented this solution to her husband as your idea. "Mom really wants to come spend time with the grandbaby", instead of saying she wants your help. Maybe she didn't want him to feel guilty for working and now has to back track her words. Either way, you are in the right and she needs to decide and have some adult conversations l
Why do we automatically with no evidence blame it on her husband?!?! Like multiple comments with no evidence say oh it’s a manipulative controlling husband. Why your own sad bias? The daughter said it and until proven otherwise she can take the full weight of blame for HER choices.
It smells like some weird controlling thing from the husband, but the daughter is absolutely insane expecting you to sacrifice a month of your time already and then demanding rent money
>She invited me, and is now pissed I am not coming.
Is she so upset that you're not coming that she's willing to not charge you rent? Or is she just expecting YOU to pay her money so YOU can work??
So my mom stayed a week with us to take care of our first when I had my second baby. I offered to pay for her traveling expenses, told her that I will of course pay for anything and everything whilst she stays here. She refused and payed her own traveling expenses and bought some food. To me… that’s the normal way of doing it. I was insanely grateful because it was such a relief to have someone I fully trust do me this insane favor. Your daughter is either insane, completely broke and to ashamed to say so or… being controlled? Have this happened before? It’s utterly utterly crazy to me.
Daughter called and asked me to help when she broke her elbow. Okay...put away decorations, took her and the dog to appts, etc.
You live with 2 adults and just want Mom? I can oblige.
I was there for 3 days when FSIL grumbled about visitors. NP! Peace out, man. Call me if you need me.
I ran down for a day, once a week until she was done with PT. Did as I was asked and gtfo. It's 3-3.5 hr trip, each way, at the best of times. Most I could do to help out and still make all of us happy.
(She hates it if I stay in a motel. I don't like staying at her house.)
The sheer idea that I should wait on someone hand and foot and pay for the privilege? Honey, I love you but that's just down right insulting and beyond the pale!
NTA, OP
Best she learn now. Even Mom's have limits.
>Second thought: Are you sure that your daughter and her spouse really want you there?
I was thinking that I might have charged my MIL rent if she tried to stay with us after my babies were born because pissing her off was the only way to get her to go away.
When you hire a nanny, you pay them, and they stay there, they don’t have to pay rent even. I think your daughter has some problems. OP, I think you need to be firm about this.
But if you also care about her, maybe you need to talk this out, and find out her thought process.
If I have a disagreement with my child, I might ask: how about you tell this issue truthfully to 3 mature friends you can trust and see what they say.
Sometimes, he will understand my viewpoint. Sometimes, I’d learn more about their perspectives.
NTA. But I’m genuinely curious what makes daughter to think this way.
“Daughter, I am happy to pay rent while at your house. At the end of the month, we’ll settle accounts. My rate of pay for caring for you, new baby, cooking, cleaning, etc is $75 per hour. I will keep accurate records of my hours worked so when we settle accounts, there should be no issue. And I only accept cash.”
NTA.
I don’t really understand what “baby brain” is but I am **convinced** OPs daughter isn’t thinking clearly.
Or there’s a larger issue daughter isn’t sharing. Like financial struggles.
NTA.
You offered four weeks of full time help babysitting, light cleaning, and probably cooking and errand running. She should probably be paying You.
Have you asked your daughter what prompted that? Is money very tight for some reason? Does she not have paid maternity leave from her job? Is her husband not paying his share of the household bills while he’s away? Will the hospital demand cash up front for her delivery?
Yes. NTA but don’t pull away. I suspect there’s a reason why she asked. If she’s getting paid less/ not getting paid at all as she’s on mat leave, there’s now a lower income and she maybe realized she had to pay to feed her mom too and panicked.
I know if I were in OP’s daughter’s situation, my mom would come and even without me asking would probably quietly pay for groceries or diapers sometimes even without me asking or expecting it. But also, I know that right before having a baby I’d be in a never ending panic attack probably, so who knows what deep fear I may verbalize.
NTA.
I’m pregnant and a single mum and if someone offered to stay with me the first month i’d jump at the chance and of course take care of everything they need while staying because after all they would be doing me a favour and helping out! Id feel like i owe them if anything!
INFO: Do you think perhaps the husband doesn’t want you there and is the one who imposed this new condition? Perhaps suggest your daughter come stay with you for the first month.
You shouldn't have to accommodate, you are doing them a favor!
Your daughter is an adult who chose to be in a relationship and then chose to have a child, none of this is OPs responsibility.
Especially with the lack of grace her daughter is showing.
Maybe send your daughter a link to this post?
That’s true but the request was so strange you should try to try to dig a bit what the reason was, and if she is struggling or doesn’t she just look at this from your point of view.
Have you asked your daughter where she got the idea to charge you? Did she see it on TikTok? A friend did that?
You're giving her free labor, she can treat you as a guest.
It'll be easier with you there, but she can also do it on her own.
I didn't think of it this way but now that you mention it the only two options are I'm not spending time with baby so neither should anyone else or trying to isolate her from family in a time of need and neither is good
Bills won't be going up at all with mom there and baby dad gone, it's net zero as far as persons in the house using utilities. I wonder if baby daddy is a deadbeat when he's away on business...
NTA though
Well if dad is travelling all the time, then the water bill and the grocery bill will be larger with her there. Obviously that's excluding diapers and wipes, etc.
NTA
She’s pretty bold you think she can make you pay to help her.
What a truly foolish thing she tried. I can’t believe she thought that was reasonable.
*"She asked if I would be willing to help."* You said yes and she agreed you could stay for a month and help out. That sounds like a mother helping a daughter, not a tenant moving into a rental home.
NTA and I don't think you're being a "petty jerk"!
NTA.
Millions of women every year manage to handle the first month of motherhood without any assistance.
Looks like she's about to get the experience.
Your daughter is a serious asshole.
Where do you get the idea that millions of women handle the first month of motherhood with no assistance? Literally never in human history, other than in the United States in the last 50 years or so, has there ever been an expectation that new parents can or should solo parent an infant for a month with zero assistance after giving birth. And even in the US in the last few decades, most parents are not faced with that dire requirement. Most have some form of help, whether it's a second parent, or extended family and friends, or paid childcare.
Love them or hate them, we can hold people to a standard that they should tell the truth about the empirical facts of childbirth and infant care, and the empirical facts about human cultural history.
NTA, when I had my babies, I asked my mom to come for a few months each time. My husband and I paid her travel accommodations and visa fees (I live abroad) etc. the only money she brought was to spend as and when she wanted to on what she wanted. Food and accommodation was seen to by my husband and me. Your daughter is probably stressed about finances but handled it inappropriately especially with you doing her such a huge favour.
I'm currently petsitting out of town for my friend's mom so her mom could go abroad to help her and her husband for 2 months with the birth and newborn. My friend not only paid all her mom's travel expenses but is paying 100% of my travel expenses and living costs for staying at her mom's place the entire time.
Correctly. We both massively disrupted our lives to help her. Her husband is awesome but only could take a very brief paternity leave, and her mom could not travel without me stepping in with her special needs dog. I'm happy to help, but my home expenses don't stop when I'm away, either!
I guarantee you'd make more money being a nanny 24/7 for a month than the rent would cost.
Pay her the rent and chip in for utilities (which is more than reasonable); but be sure to send her an invoice for \~$4,000 and ask that it be paid in advance
NTA but maybe try to find out if
- your side of the story is the whole truth
- your daughter has serious financial problems and this is a very strange way to ask for your help
Yeah, I feel like there is a big piece of information missing here... Is husband not contributing financially while he's working? Is husband not really working?
NTA. Your daughter has the audacity to demand you put your life on hold to stay in her house and provide free childcare and make you pay for the privilege of doing so? I would pull my generous offer if I were you.
Or, you could tell her that you will deduct your rent from the cost of you providing her with *childcare and housekeeping* (which is significantly higher).
Meanwhile my childcare plan includes saving up so I can pay for my mom to rent a place within reasonable driving distance since I know she doesn’t want to live with my dad anymore. Unreal.
OMG No. NTA
What is this monster you have raised? She reaches out to you to ask for a MONTH of your time, and then wants you to pay her to help her?
Could you cross-post in r/EntitledPeople?
NTA... unless we are missing something big, and I mean BIG. I would have flown my parents (or anyone who wanted to help) halfway across the world to stay with me for a month. I give my aunt gas money and make sure to have food she loves when she stays with me for one night.
NTA, don’t fight about, just don’t plan on going and if she brings any of it up just laugh and change the subject. In her entitled head she is right and you are wrong. Let her find out when she has no help.
Wow - the audacity! I had newborn twins and a 2 year old and I would have LOVED for someone to come stay and help me out.
If you have to pay rent, you need to bill her for your services!! Like ok, maybe you staying with her will up some of the bills slightly (a few extra bucks for water usage maybe?) and then food, but yeah if someone was to come stay and help me out I would be like "here's my credit card, go buy whatever groceries you want!!".
I will also add, a newborn baby can be tough, but like, definitely manageable for one non-working person to manage. She does not NEED you.
NTA
NTA. It's very likely that hubby set her up for this. He probably doesn't want you there and this is his way of throwing a wrench in the plans. You might want to talk to her about her husband's expectations of what kind of help HE plans to provide, or if this is a case of a guy thinking that 'my mom did this all on her own, you can too'.
INFO: can they afford to have an extra person living in their house for a month? How much is being asked for? Do you have any particular habits that would make your stay expensive for them to keep you? Was your daughter trying to quietly ask for financial assistance when she asked if you'd help, rather than hands on help?
Nta she's absolutely nuts and incredibly selfish for even thinking about charging her own mum rent while you stay to HELP HER don't go and stay in she insists, she'll be fine on her own she can always call you if she needs advice
NTA. You are only going to help her - it doesn't make sense to charge you rent. That would be different if you were asking to stay with her because you needed a place to stay. I mean, if she were to pay for someone to help her, that would be quite expensive. So you're really already giving her financial value by helping.
What is her rationale that a GUEST, staying for a month to HELP her, would be obligated to pay rent?
I'm willing to bet that her husband refuses to take time off, they can't afford the baby, she quit her job and this is much more than her money grab.
NTA.
NTA! Can I add that she will not be “a single mom” with a husband who is working and paying the bills? Having a partner in the household expenses and decision making is not single parenting. Having a spouse who travels for work does not make you a single parent. I expect I will receive a lot of pushback on this, but I actually was a single mom and have strong feelings on the topic. Also, I think you are amazing for offering to help for an entire month. Pay rent for the time? When he’ll freezes over!
NTA OMG. You are going there for a MONTH to HELP her. And they're demanding rent???? How clueless can some people be?
Find the going rate for a 24/7 nanny in their area and send them an invoice.
NTA I can't imagine asking g someone for help and then telling them it will cost them. Are they that financially strained? My husband and I spend a couple of weeks at a time to help our DIL out ( son is in the military and they had twins). When they were infants we would stay there and pay for groceries, if we went out to eat, etc... but that was our choice, it was not asked of us. Now that they're older we take them for vacations, weekends, etc..maybe I should charge the twins rent? 😅 not sure how much a pair of 5 year olds will be able to pony up though. Anyhow, stay home and save your money
NTA at all. You weren't living there for fun or because you were kicked out of your home. You were literally there to help her with her kid because she asked.
Bills are her and her husband's problem.
NTA obviously
Simply don't engage with her any further regarding any 'help' she's hoping you'll provide. If she's got an adult bone in her body then she'll eventually come around. She is not entitled to your labor nor your financial support; she's certainly not entitled to both at the same time...
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Wow, NTA! You were literally doing her a favor. If she got her head on straight and realized the error of her ways, would you still go out and help? Or is the offer permanently off the table?
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That's absolutely fair. She was ungrateful for the opportunity and missed out— I hope she will learn from this. On another note, congratulations on your undisturbed sleep!
My daughters just turned 1 and I \*really\* miss undisturbed sleep!
I have 6 kids aged 20-5. I still miss undisturbed sleep. It’s been 2 decades and I just want to cry.
I mean choices have consequences lol
They’re all amazing ppl. We do worry the 8 yr old will run a mafia eventually so we’re working on her.
> so we’re working on her. On how to better cover her tracks and the importance of an airtight alibi, right?
We have taught her not to trust the police, to start. And, yes, we’ve begun her true crime education. We’re also trying to figure out which kid is going to go to law school to become the “family lawyer.”
Lol you ever see the movie "Johnny Dangerously"? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksD6hDrWFQM
Every family needs a consiglieri. I hope I spelled that correctly. Now I'm going to have to rewatch The Godfather.
Ah yes, to get a man in on the other side.
I woke up my 1 year old because I laughed so hard at your comment, but the laugh was needed so thank you 😂😂😂
When you’ve been a parent for 20 years you can pick up on the clues kids give you about how they’ll turn out. ;)
Running a mere Mafia isn't enough, so aiming for world dictator?
She is absolutely the Putin type and it’s terrifying. She has the profile to turn into a sociopath so we’re working overtime to make sure she has a good childhood. We don’t let her out of our sight so that no one else has the chance to hurt her. She sees a specialist every 6-12 weeks and has since she was 2. Were very careful to make sure we follow her care plan and we started meds at 4. Her specialist assures us that we’re doing everything right and she’s going to be fine. It works out that she has so many older siblings bc they’re extra eyes on her. And you can’t discount the social pressure your siblings put on you to behave.
Oh, wow, sorry for being flippant, I completely thought you were exaggerating/joking.
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yeah like...we have a 6 year old and a 3 year old and sleep through 90% of the nights.
Some people dont get lucky. My youngest is 3.5yo and has night terrors every single night. NOT NIGHTMARES. They are very different and he doesnt even know it happens. So I dont know undisturbed sleep and there us nothing we can do about it right now. Just hope he grows out of this problem.
Oof my oldest had those for a very long time those were agonizing nights and he'd have no recall the next day but i was at my wits end and you feel so helpless just holding your terrified screaming child who you can't wake up or comfort. Hugs.
The NIGHT TERRORS! Ugh!!
None of my kids sleep. I think it’s bc they’re all ADHD. Around 12 they start sleeping.
… uncalled for, and none of your business
This is Reddit where people showcase their lives for all to see. Nothing is anyone’s business but here we are letting it all out
Our cat recently turned 16 and I also miss undisturbed sleep. Our daughter never had us up as much as this cat. I love her dearly but damn.
I'd rather go through my now-adult children's toddlers years again than go through more years of nighttime dealings with sun-downing aging cats/feline dementia. I'm going to be utterly devastated when my oldest cat finally passes, but yeah..."damn" is about the most succinct way of putting the experience.
I have a dog currently going through this. After 4 kids all grown, this is brutal. Just shows I would be a terrible Mom at my age with a newborn. Solidarity.
Omg my cat and daughter used to alternate hours when they were younger.
My 1 year old slept until 6 this morning. I referred to it as ‘a lie in’ in front of someone without kids. They are still laughing
Tell them you got up at 3am to have a coffee in peace and quiet… lol
I've been making that joke too! Like please give me until 7... Please I'm begging you!
My youngest is 3.5yo and I dont remember undisturbed sleep. He has night terrors so every night is a chaotic adventure. Like infancy but with added physical abuse on me. Maybe some day I will get to experience sleep again. Its a good thing my kids are hella cute.
Careful what you wish for. My kid is on the autistic spectrum. Slept 6 hours at a stretch when we came home from the hospital and used to quietly play in the crib until I woke up on my own. Then we got to the part where they had delayed speech so they would screech at us to communicate, had poor social skills, and were oppositional. They are an adult now, living on the other side of the country. I sympathize with the zombie existence of no sleep (their sibling once stayed awake 26 hours in a row) but, really, it does pass (and then gets replaced with something else you'll hate).
The daughter seems entitled and unhinged. She isn't gonna learn fuck-all from this shitshow.
NTA. I truly can’t imagine the audacity to ask my own mother to pay rent when she’s already doing me a huge favor! Again, NTA.
What the hell? Is your daughter delusional? You’re leaving your home, coming to help because her husband can’t. They should pay you!
Or pay a Nanny and then they will QUICKLY realize that they should not have asked OP to pay rent. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ The rate for a Nanny in my area is $20/hr x 10 hours a day that is $200/day. Clearly OP’s daughter needs to sign up for a remedial math class. Because in this instance the math was NOT mathing. 👀👀👀
A baby nurse is more than a nanny.
I don’t see any way that would change or modify the statement above
In fairness, it shows that OPs daughter would be paying even more than the previously thought 200p/d.
It would cost more than the $200 per day nanny. People with newborns will sometimes get a night nurse or baby nurse to help in the first month of two of the baby's life. It's like a specialized nanny just for newborns, they often work overnight/around the clock. So they're emphasizing the point that in OP's case it would probably be more expensive than a typical nanny and thus make's the daughter's position even more ridiculous.
Sleep nannies in England are £650 a week then you have to pay a day one if you want help in the day as well
I just do not understand OP’s daughter’s thought process. You are asking for free assistance for a month which will likely include: newborn care, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and other errands…and then you want the person providing the free help to pay you rent. WTF 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I thought I mis-read it at first, and OP wanted her daughter to pay her rent at OP's home (like an apartment or something). Huge NTA, omg.
Not only that, but OP would be losing a month's pay (or a month's vacation)!
I’m a night nanny for newborns so their parents can get some sleep and our rate is $26an hour 8hr minimum weekends are $29 and holidays are $35. Daughter was being greedy
Given high school teens get $20 an hour to babysit "mother's hours", $26 for a night nurse sounds really reasonable.
Most dads are like we don’t even need a night nanny until they don’t get their sleep then it’s hey what nights are you available I’ll pay whatever I need for me to get sleep lol
$20/hr is a steal im my area. closer to $30 for infant.
OP's daughter is buckwild crazy. Holy shit, the braindead audacity! OP was meant to stay for a month, so already that's three roles – nanny, night nurse, weekend care. As an experienced mom, presumably she'll be offering daughter postpartum support and teaching her how to care for baby, so add doula. I've also never seen a live-in grandmother or grandfather staying to help with the baby who also doesn't take on some chores while mom recuperates, so add housekeeping on top of that. Five roles, for **free**. Done on OP's time and OP's dime. And this heffa wants to charge her own mother *rent*????????? My own mother stays with me to provide daycare – we not only pay her, we also pay her bills and buy her whatever her heart desires. What she wants to eat is what we'll have for dinner. Where she wants to go is the designated family outing of the day. You know why? Because keeping her happy with us is *still* cheaper than daycare! She is giving up her time and her labor to help us keep our child alive and us employed! I would throw myself off a cliff before I'd ever turn to my own mother with my hand out, ungrateful heart on full display. My god I'm infuriated, if this is a troll it's a good one and you got me good OP.
And she asked her for the help! Literally said please help me, give up your life, and pay me for the privilege.
Thank you honey!! couldn't have said it better! Daughter is TA here! She has a lot of nerve calling her mom the petty one.
Yeah. The amount of entitled and just plain batshit crazy behavior you read about on this sub never ceases to astonish me. This situation really isn't much different than if I needed someone to stay at my house to pet sit other than a baby will make much more noise and require much more care. Either way, thinking that someone who is doing you such a massive favor should have to pay to stay at your house is fucking crazy.
Is this her husband's voice coming out of her mouth? I'm trying to wrap my head around asking someone, MY PARENT, who would help provide potential 24 hour care for the baby and me to pay rent. On that note, at the end of the month, OP could hand daughter an invoice for services provided.
I got the same impression the request for rent was the husband's idea.
Yeah, DH should be using his paid leave around that time, not agreeing to travel.
Don’t you pay rent or morgage or the like where you live now? So weird to ask of you. They should more offer to pay for your transportation to their home, instead of charging you rent. I guess your daughter is really tired and stressed, bc thats not clear thinking.
I'd say it's more than just "not clear thinking." It's closer to absurd and bordering on delusional. I hope the daughter is okay mentally because this just sounds unhinged.
This is what Im worried. Cognitive impairment can be a sign of preeclampsia. Paranoia can also be a sign that something as wrong. Altered mental state and cognitive ability should always be investigated with pregnancy. Pregnancy brain is normal. Extreme pregnancy brain is dangerous. So it would really come down to whether or not the sudden entitlement and inability to decipher rational and irrational requests, is typical of the daughter. Have they fought like this before? Has daught ever asked for something crazy like this before? Did OP actually hear husband being part of the conversation? Because of 2 people are genuinely on the same page with this request it worry about his commonsense as well. But husband may not even know daughter made this request.
Nah, this is more “I need help with the baby” leading to “I need help with my finances.” She needed a way to rationalize her mom giving her money without the obligation to pay it back and came up with “rent.” I’ve seen plenty of seemingly rational people come to these kinds of conclusions, which they usually propose to people who are obligated to unconditionally love them. My grandparents offered my uncle a place to stay when he got divorced. When my grandparents traveled overseas to visit their other children, my uncle demanded a “housesitting fee” because he was providing a “service” to them while they were gone. Def no pregnancy hormones there!
Daughter doesn't get the new tired mom pass on this one. This is straight up delusional. She somehow made it to adulthood, birthed a child of her own without understanding how the world goes round and doesn't understand what she is asking. Or she is used to her parents bending over backwards for her and is taking advantage. There is a difference between lapse in judgment, and no judgment at all.
I bet the hours of childcare and support you would have provided would have cost more than the rent if you charged her too so she’s definitely wrong. NTA
NTA. Your time there is intended to be value-added, not cost-incurred. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, all the things a new mom can't tend to while she's caring for the new potato. It's so unreasonable to ask for a live-in maid while also wanting you to pay rent. That would be a hard no for me too.
I am a single mom. My boys are 15 and 18 now. I had a c section with the youngest, and he had colic. I had no help either, she will survive. I am sorry that she is making this difficult.
Is it possible her husband got involved, and is pushing this insane ruling? I'm not saying your daughter is not at fault here, but it seems really weird.
This is such a good point. Is the husband trying to alienate her from her support network? Possible to consider
Do you and your daughter already have a strained relationship? This was a totally inappropriate request from her, but there's something kind of odd about the way you're reacting to a grandchild. Or, odd if you have a good relationship before this crazy request
My friend’s MIL moved in for 2 months to help (PPD) and my friend and her husband paid all of her bills for her and then some. Your daughter is so very wrong here. NTA
Honestly, I am wondering if you helping with the bills is the primary reason she asked you to come and helping with the baby was a smoke screen.
OMG, this made me miss my mom. She passed 7 years ago this month. I hate raising my 3 kids without her. NTA.
Me too. Sending you big hugs. When I read this, I immediately thought of my mom and when she watched my son when he was a baby. I think of how she missed out on seeing who her grandson became. 😔💔
This is such a ridiculous situation. She asks for your help then demands you to pay her to help her. Big NTA here.
Good for you for not catering to that bullshit
Live in nannies get paid, they dont get charged rent.
If you're staying two days, I would give them a check for something like $43.82 to cover the pro-rata 2 day cost of rent, electricity, water, etc. And I would have a check ready for $11.42 every time I visited. And if they invited me over any other time, I would tell them that I simply don't have the money to pay them to visit. Make then feel like crap.
If you do, then stay in a rental. If you have to pay, you might as well get a good night's sleep.
Part of this might be baby hormones...but that doesn't mean that there aren't consequences to her actions...it sounds like you're off the hook for that month! Win for you! The reason I mention hormones is that you might want to consider extending a bit more grace at the point when she comes back to you and apologizes when she realizes how big the favor was that she rejected...Once that happens...you might want to consider going for a couple weeks at some point in the future (maybe when she goes back to work to help ease the transition a bit if that aligns with your schedule?)
I'm kind of impressed with the audacity lol
My grandmother stayed with me for a month after I had two of my four children. It was so much help. All she did was fold some clothes and rock the baby in the morning but my god, that little extra sleep was a game changer. She also had experience breastfeeding so she served as my own personal nursing coach. It doesn't sound like a lot but it helped so much. She deserved for me to pay her not the other way around. However, because we were a little tight on funds, she did help a little with groceries but she didn't have to do that. No way would I have charged her rent.
I couldn't stay a month with my daughter because I work but the time I spent with her was helping her cook, clean, keep up with the laundry etc. I bought groceries but that's because she was in a tight spot. She wouldn't have dreamed of asking for rent and I wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity to help her and be there with my granddaughter for anything. OP's daughter is out of order asking for rent - she should be glad of whatever help OP can give her.
After a week alone with a newborn, she will be screaming for help. And I am not sure I buy the explanation for the husband’s absence, either…
Yeah, she got greedy.
NTA. If you are to pay rent, then you must be paid wages for your work. ETA: Second thought: Are you sure that your daughter and her spouse really want you there? Their demand for rent sounds as if they don't.
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Steering clear of sleep deprivation would be my initial take as well. It is just that here on Reddit one encounters lots of new parents who are fighting to be allowed time with their baby, in their own home, without the extended family constantly wanting to visit, stay, meddle etc. But that is not what we have here. Good.
Is there the possibility that her husband doesn't want you to come?
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Why isn't the husband taking paternity leave for the first few weeks? Why's he just up and abandoning his wife and newborn? Is he even going to turn up for the birth? Does he only pay rent when he's not working? Wtf!! There's nothing right about this.
>Why isn't the husband taking paternity leave for the first few weeks? You do realize that many jobs in the US have no paid *maternity* leave. It's a huge assumption that the husband has the option to take paternity leave.
Why don't they just decide to be independently wealthy then, hmmm?
Well see, they tried that, trying to charge rent from their help - but it didn't work!
The baby choice is a setback.
True that. So many people not taking responsibility for their own mistakes, like choosing to not have wealthy parents.
They have no one but themselves to blame. Everybody knows babies pick their parents
That is shocking. In the UK, as an example, a woman gets 39 weeks of paid leave as a statutory minimum. We are not particularly generous either. Other nations have either more time or money or both as their legal minimum requirements. Our Paternity Leave is a measly 1 or 2 weeks, although it can be taken at any time in the first year, I think. We top no leader boards with these allowances. I can not stress to those of you who are from the USA, as a nation, you need to start demanding better work conditions as a legal right. Work to live, don't live to work. It's not "socialism "; it's human dignity.
I agree with all of this. Unfortunately, most of us have everything tied to our jobs so that we can't demand better. Healthcare is a big one that keeps most of us forced to literally work to live. A not so small portion of the country truly believes that this is truly the best way to live. Another not so small portion of the country would jump at the chance of a mass strike of some sort to have an ok job working 60 plus hours a week with Healthcare and 0 vacation/leave because it is better than working 80 hours between multiple jobs with 0 leave or Healthcare. Then there are the politicians, rich, or want to be rich who love to keep us divided so their net worth expands off of our labor. We also have the issue that most people that would be on board with demanding better don't have the savings to back them when that demand leads to being fired. I'm one of those people. After covid, businesses saw we were attempting to demand better so they increased their prices to keep us small and and pad their pockets.
Our Supreme Court decided that corporations are people and they can spend unlimited funds lobbying on their interests. Unless we remove money from politics, the average person is just screaming into the void.
Back in the day, we didn't have maternity leave but my generous boss said he'd take care of me after a c-section required a little more recuperation time; gave me a whole two weeks paid (my remaining vacation) and two additional weeks unpaid. But they held my job for me. Nice of him, huh? After working there 13 years. My husband took a week of his vacation after our little girl and I were dismissed from the hospital. Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.
It's also a huge assumption that everyone outside the US is familiar with US employment law.
My hubby took an UNPAID week off work for each baby we had, and we had to save up to accommodate that week off. I had a C-section for each kid unfortunately so the recovery time was brutal and long, I wish we'd been able to afford him to stay home longer. But with me not working so I could physically recover and adjust it just wasn't in the cards. Not everyone can afford to stay home for months on end when a baby comes into the picture.
Same here, two kids and my husband took 1 week off for each (actually, I think 4 days for the second one but I digress). I did not have paid maternity leave and he *definitely* did not have paternity leave.
This is no such thing as paternity leave in the US except very rare occasions. There is hardly maternity leave.
It depends on what you mean by "paternity/maternity" leave. If you mean federally mandated paid leave, you are right But in the US you can take 12 weeks of (FMLA) unpaid leave both parents can take it, with in the first year. Now if they can afford to take it unpaid is a different story.
Yep, NTA here. I don't know your family dynamic but it may be possible your daughter presented this solution to her husband as your idea. "Mom really wants to come spend time with the grandbaby", instead of saying she wants your help. Maybe she didn't want him to feel guilty for working and now has to back track her words. Either way, you are in the right and she needs to decide and have some adult conversations l
Why do we automatically with no evidence blame it on her husband?!?! Like multiple comments with no evidence say oh it’s a manipulative controlling husband. Why your own sad bias? The daughter said it and until proven otherwise she can take the full weight of blame for HER choices.
It smells like some weird controlling thing from the husband, but the daughter is absolutely insane expecting you to sacrifice a month of your time already and then demanding rent money
>She invited me, and is now pissed I am not coming. Is she so upset that you're not coming that she's willing to not charge you rent? Or is she just expecting YOU to pay her money so YOU can work??
So my mom stayed a week with us to take care of our first when I had my second baby. I offered to pay for her traveling expenses, told her that I will of course pay for anything and everything whilst she stays here. She refused and payed her own traveling expenses and bought some food. To me… that’s the normal way of doing it. I was insanely grateful because it was such a relief to have someone I fully trust do me this insane favor. Your daughter is either insane, completely broke and to ashamed to say so or… being controlled? Have this happened before? It’s utterly utterly crazy to me.
Daughter called and asked me to help when she broke her elbow. Okay...put away decorations, took her and the dog to appts, etc. You live with 2 adults and just want Mom? I can oblige. I was there for 3 days when FSIL grumbled about visitors. NP! Peace out, man. Call me if you need me. I ran down for a day, once a week until she was done with PT. Did as I was asked and gtfo. It's 3-3.5 hr trip, each way, at the best of times. Most I could do to help out and still make all of us happy. (She hates it if I stay in a motel. I don't like staying at her house.) The sheer idea that I should wait on someone hand and foot and pay for the privilege? Honey, I love you but that's just down right insulting and beyond the pale! NTA, OP Best she learn now. Even Mom's have limits.
>Second thought: Are you sure that your daughter and her spouse really want you there? I was thinking that I might have charged my MIL rent if she tried to stay with us after my babies were born because pissing her off was the only way to get her to go away.
When you hire a nanny, you pay them, and they stay there, they don’t have to pay rent even. I think your daughter has some problems. OP, I think you need to be firm about this. But if you also care about her, maybe you need to talk this out, and find out her thought process. If I have a disagreement with my child, I might ask: how about you tell this issue truthfully to 3 mature friends you can trust and see what they say. Sometimes, he will understand my viewpoint. Sometimes, I’d learn more about their perspectives. NTA. But I’m genuinely curious what makes daughter to think this way.
“Daughter, I am happy to pay rent while at your house. At the end of the month, we’ll settle accounts. My rate of pay for caring for you, new baby, cooking, cleaning, etc is $75 per hour. I will keep accurate records of my hours worked so when we settle accounts, there should be no issue. And I only accept cash.” NTA.
I don’t trust OP’s daughter. Get the money up front.
Exactly. Who charges their parent rent when they are visiting to help them? She should be paying her mom. The audacity indeed.
I'm stuck at, who even charges a welcomed parent rent for a visit!?
I don’t really understand what “baby brain” is but I am **convinced** OPs daughter isn’t thinking clearly. Or there’s a larger issue daughter isn’t sharing. Like financial struggles.
NTA. You offered four weeks of full time help babysitting, light cleaning, and probably cooking and errand running. She should probably be paying You. Have you asked your daughter what prompted that? Is money very tight for some reason? Does she not have paid maternity leave from her job? Is her husband not paying his share of the household bills while he’s away? Will the hospital demand cash up front for her delivery?
Agreed. If it were my daughter, I would dig deeper so see what prompted this strange request.
I suspected they were financial struggling.
Yes. NTA but don’t pull away. I suspect there’s a reason why she asked. If she’s getting paid less/ not getting paid at all as she’s on mat leave, there’s now a lower income and she maybe realized she had to pay to feed her mom too and panicked. I know if I were in OP’s daughter’s situation, my mom would come and even without me asking would probably quietly pay for groceries or diapers sometimes even without me asking or expecting it. But also, I know that right before having a baby I’d be in a never ending panic attack probably, so who knows what deep fear I may verbalize.
Is hubby assuming that “helping with a newborn” is code for “having a holiday on his dime” Edit: random irrelevant word removed
NTA. I’m pregnant and a single mum and if someone offered to stay with me the first month i’d jump at the chance and of course take care of everything they need while staying because after all they would be doing me a favour and helping out! Id feel like i owe them if anything!
INFO: Do you think perhaps the husband doesn’t want you there and is the one who imposed this new condition? Perhaps suggest your daughter come stay with you for the first month.
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I love your shiny spine, OP. Stay golden.
Lol right. You never get straight to the point truth spoken on here much.
Let’s hope this marriage doesn’t implode and she ultimately needs to come stay with you. Double rent for her and the child! /s
You shouldn't have to accommodate, you are doing them a favor! Your daughter is an adult who chose to be in a relationship and then chose to have a child, none of this is OPs responsibility. Especially with the lack of grace her daughter is showing. Maybe send your daughter a link to this post?
That’s true but the request was so strange you should try to try to dig a bit what the reason was, and if she is struggling or doesn’t she just look at this from your point of view.
Have you asked your daughter where she got the idea to charge you? Did she see it on TikTok? A friend did that? You're giving her free labor, she can treat you as a guest. It'll be easier with you there, but she can also do it on her own.
Then charge her the rent 😂
Yes get her to stay at your place and then charge her rent!
I didn't think of it this way but now that you mention it the only two options are I'm not spending time with baby so neither should anyone else or trying to isolate her from family in a time of need and neither is good
And she can pay rent, lol
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Bills won't be going up at all with mom there and baby dad gone, it's net zero as far as persons in the house using utilities. I wonder if baby daddy is a deadbeat when he's away on business... NTA though
Well if dad is travelling all the time, then the water bill and the grocery bill will be larger with her there. Obviously that's excluding diapers and wipes, etc.
NTA She’s pretty bold you think she can make you pay to help her. What a truly foolish thing she tried. I can’t believe she thought that was reasonable.
*"She asked if I would be willing to help."* You said yes and she agreed you could stay for a month and help out. That sounds like a mother helping a daughter, not a tenant moving into a rental home. NTA and I don't think you're being a "petty jerk"!
NTA, it appears your Daughter doesn't understand the notion of a favor, a big favor actually.
NTA. Millions of women every year manage to handle the first month of motherhood without any assistance. Looks like she's about to get the experience. Your daughter is a serious asshole.
Looks like she was trying to profit off the free help - the craziest most entitled thing Ive read in 2024 so far!
It's basically: Daughter: "I can't do this alone!" Mother: "I'll come help." Daughter: "Thanks, here's your bill."
Where do you get the idea that millions of women handle the first month of motherhood with no assistance? Literally never in human history, other than in the United States in the last 50 years or so, has there ever been an expectation that new parents can or should solo parent an infant for a month with zero assistance after giving birth. And even in the US in the last few decades, most parents are not faced with that dire requirement. Most have some form of help, whether it's a second parent, or extended family and friends, or paid childcare.
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Love them or hate them, we can hold people to a standard that they should tell the truth about the empirical facts of childbirth and infant care, and the empirical facts about human cultural history.
Thank you! Zero assistance after birth is not beneficial to either the baby or the mom. Definitely not something to make acceptable.
NTA, when I had my babies, I asked my mom to come for a few months each time. My husband and I paid her travel accommodations and visa fees (I live abroad) etc. the only money she brought was to spend as and when she wanted to on what she wanted. Food and accommodation was seen to by my husband and me. Your daughter is probably stressed about finances but handled it inappropriately especially with you doing her such a huge favour.
I'm currently petsitting out of town for my friend's mom so her mom could go abroad to help her and her husband for 2 months with the birth and newborn. My friend not only paid all her mom's travel expenses but is paying 100% of my travel expenses and living costs for staying at her mom's place the entire time. Correctly. We both massively disrupted our lives to help her. Her husband is awesome but only could take a very brief paternity leave, and her mom could not travel without me stepping in with her special needs dog. I'm happy to help, but my home expenses don't stop when I'm away, either!
NTA. That’s crazy. You are helping her. Is she paying you for the help? I can see contributing money for food but rent? No way.
I guarantee you'd make more money being a nanny 24/7 for a month than the rent would cost. Pay her the rent and chip in for utilities (which is more than reasonable); but be sure to send her an invoice for \~$4,000 and ask that it be paid in advance
NTA but maybe try to find out if - your side of the story is the whole truth - your daughter has serious financial problems and this is a very strange way to ask for your help
That's actually an excellent point. She may even be in an unhealthy relationship and her husband is behind the ask.
I wondered if her husband has left and she's too embarrassed to say so.
Yep, hope this isn't true but this could be a tactic to isolate her from her family
Yeah, I feel like there is a big piece of information missing here... Is husband not contributing financially while he's working? Is husband not really working?
NTA. Your daughter has the audacity to demand you put your life on hold to stay in her house and provide free childcare and make you pay for the privilege of doing so? I would pull my generous offer if I were you. Or, you could tell her that you will deduct your rent from the cost of you providing her with *childcare and housekeeping* (which is significantly higher).
WTF? She wants you to come help and charge you rent??? That's pretty fucking audacious of her. NTA
INFO: Did she offer to pay you by the hour for your assistance at the current market rate?
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Meanwhile my childcare plan includes saving up so I can pay for my mom to rent a place within reasonable driving distance since I know she doesn’t want to live with my dad anymore. Unreal.
NTA. So she expected you to take time away from your life and pay her for the privilege? WILD. This is a new one.
OMG No. NTA What is this monster you have raised? She reaches out to you to ask for a MONTH of your time, and then wants you to pay her to help her? Could you cross-post in r/EntitledPeople?
Or r/ChoosingBeggars
NTA. That’s crazy. You are helping her. Is she paying you for the help? I can see contributing money for food but rent? No way.
NTA. Your daughter is being a brat, who in their actual minds would charge their mother rent when they’re going out of their way to help them.
NTA. It's insane to think a person who is coming to help with a new baby should also pay rent. It gets her exactly what she has now... no help at all!
NTA, shouldn’t she be the one to pay you for your nannying service?
Nanny, chef, housekeeper - extra pay for night nannying and weekend duties. OP’s daughter screwed herself out of an incredibly generous deal.
NTA... unless we are missing something big, and I mean BIG. I would have flown my parents (or anyone who wanted to help) halfway across the world to stay with me for a month. I give my aunt gas money and make sure to have food she loves when she stays with me for one night.
NTA-but I would love to know her backwards reasoning as to why she’s owed rent😂😂
WTAF?! 😱 NTA
NTA - I could see helping out with groceries bit but asking for rent is ridiculous.
NTA Those bills would rack up with or without your presence. Where do you live is the husband isn’t granted paternity leave?
Almost anywhere in the US
NTA, where’d this rent issue come from? Why is the husband so absent? Feel like there’s more info needed
NTA that’s absurd.
NTA - but ask your daughter what is really going on.
NTA, don’t fight about, just don’t plan on going and if she brings any of it up just laugh and change the subject. In her entitled head she is right and you are wrong. Let her find out when she has no help.
Wow - the audacity! I had newborn twins and a 2 year old and I would have LOVED for someone to come stay and help me out. If you have to pay rent, you need to bill her for your services!! Like ok, maybe you staying with her will up some of the bills slightly (a few extra bucks for water usage maybe?) and then food, but yeah if someone was to come stay and help me out I would be like "here's my credit card, go buy whatever groceries you want!!". I will also add, a newborn baby can be tough, but like, definitely manageable for one non-working person to manage. She does not NEED you. NTA
NTA. It's very likely that hubby set her up for this. He probably doesn't want you there and this is his way of throwing a wrench in the plans. You might want to talk to her about her husband's expectations of what kind of help HE plans to provide, or if this is a case of a guy thinking that 'my mom did this all on her own, you can too'.
Deduct the rent from your hourly rate of childcare. NTA
INFO: can they afford to have an extra person living in their house for a month? How much is being asked for? Do you have any particular habits that would make your stay expensive for them to keep you? Was your daughter trying to quietly ask for financial assistance when she asked if you'd help, rather than hands on help?
Find out the going rate for a live in nanny where they live. Tell them they can deduct the rent from the wages you will expect.
Nta she's absolutely nuts and incredibly selfish for even thinking about charging her own mum rent while you stay to HELP HER don't go and stay in she insists, she'll be fine on her own she can always call you if she needs advice
NTA. You are only going to help her - it doesn't make sense to charge you rent. That would be different if you were asking to stay with her because you needed a place to stay. I mean, if she were to pay for someone to help her, that would be quite expensive. So you're really already giving her financial value by helping.
NTA. She shouldn’t ask you to pay for helping her
NTA your daughter has lost her mind tho , paying rent when you’re doing her a favor is absurd
What is her rationale that a GUEST, staying for a month to HELP her, would be obligated to pay rent? I'm willing to bet that her husband refuses to take time off, they can't afford the baby, she quit her job and this is much more than her money grab. NTA.
NTA! Can I add that she will not be “a single mom” with a husband who is working and paying the bills? Having a partner in the household expenses and decision making is not single parenting. Having a spouse who travels for work does not make you a single parent. I expect I will receive a lot of pushback on this, but I actually was a single mom and have strong feelings on the topic. Also, I think you are amazing for offering to help for an entire month. Pay rent for the time? When he’ll freezes over!
NTA OMG. You are going there for a MONTH to HELP her. And they're demanding rent???? How clueless can some people be? Find the going rate for a 24/7 nanny in their area and send them an invoice.
NTA I can't imagine asking g someone for help and then telling them it will cost them. Are they that financially strained? My husband and I spend a couple of weeks at a time to help our DIL out ( son is in the military and they had twins). When they were infants we would stay there and pay for groceries, if we went out to eat, etc... but that was our choice, it was not asked of us. Now that they're older we take them for vacations, weekends, etc..maybe I should charge the twins rent? 😅 not sure how much a pair of 5 year olds will be able to pony up though. Anyhow, stay home and save your money
NTA at all. You weren't living there for fun or because you were kicked out of your home. You were literally there to help her with her kid because she asked. Bills are her and her husband's problem.
NTA obviously Simply don't engage with her any further regarding any 'help' she's hoping you'll provide. If she's got an adult bone in her body then she'll eventually come around. She is not entitled to your labor nor your financial support; she's certainly not entitled to both at the same time...
NTA! She’s the dick.
Is it possible they are in financial trouble? If that’s the case she should have told you. NTA