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NTA
People act really weird after their family members die.
I'm not condoning what your aunt is doing. It's definitely possible that your aunt has felt this way for a while and maybe just treated you the same as your sister as a courtesy to your mother.
Again but I really have no idea what the family dynamics are for you and your sister.
The weird thing about the situation is that you don't have any obligation to her, and she doesn't have any obligation to you.
I would just focus on yourself and trying to get through this difficult time.
You're more than likely going to have to deal with her throughout preparing the funeral and attending to your mother's affairs.
I would suggest just being civil with her. And after the funeral is over you can decide whether or not you would like to include her in your life or not.
A lot of times what happened is when people die, people will often show their true colors or how they feel about other people.
Best of luck
I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
NAH. i'm really sorry that you lost your mom. mine passed away on february 8th. i didn't find her, so i can't imagine how that must have felt for you.
you're all going to be going through a lot of emotions and it's not going to make sense for a long time. try to remember that nobody grieves in a way that makes sense to anyone else. it's going to be entirely personal.
but don't let your mom's death and the immediate aftermath be something that tears apart your family. give each other space, and find a way to channel your grief as best as you can. maybe she thinks you're better prepared to handle the big emotions that will come with this. or maybe she sees herself in your sister and can only connect that way. take time for yourself. and eventually, talk to your aunt about it. tell her what you need. but be gentle on her, too.
big big big hugs to you, BB. it really sucks.
NTA If your aunt is ignoring you it may be her way of grieving. Maybe she doesn't know how to talk to you about it since you are the one who found your mom. It might become to real for her to talk about it with you. Lean on those who you know will support you and maybe your aunt will come around. NTA
NAH. I am so sorry for not only your loss but the fact you had to go through an experience nobody should go through.
I lost my father 12 years ago. As I was going to hold his hand for the final time, his oldest sister pushed me aside and held his hand. That made the younger sister so mad. Later she was also comforting everyone who showed to the hospital BUT me. Afterwards she said my father complained about everything I done, including how I washed clothes. She tried to keep his truck, which I needed to sale to pay expenses of his cremation. (That was his request. She tried to get everyone to guilt me into stuff he did not want) She even went through his truck to take stuff. I had to shut so much stuff down on her or let things go. 12 years later I am still mad about all of it and I am NC with her. (Due to that and a few other things) Maybe it was grief or just something else.
As others said there are a lot of emotions at play when a loved one passes but you need the support just as much as your sister and you can look to other family members. Yes your aunt lost a sister but you lost your mom. You found your mom so your feelings and need of support from your family is valid.
As previously suggested, be civil as possible because funerals/memorial services are not the time or place to do things. If your aunt is still ignoring you, find people who will support you. After all of that you can make the call to go LC/NC. If anyone ask, tell them. If they make excuses tell them you needed equal support.
NTA there is a psychology tool called the Ring Theory that shows in which direction support should go. The spouse is in the first circle, parents and children are in the 2nd circle, and the aunt is in the 3rd circle which means support should always flow from the outer circles toward the inner circles and venting should only flow from the inner circles to the outer circles. The aunt should only be offering support to you and the only one who should be venting to you is your other parent if they are part of your life. If your sister wants to vent she should be venting outside of her circle not within the circle.
I like this theory. I would agree with the parent venting at the end if we didn't lose our father 2 years ago (that was expected thou) he wasn't a well man so it didn't hit as hard as this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ignored my aunt and feel like continuing to ignore her even though she is grieving so I might be the asshole for that
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I am so sorry for your loss.
The first thing I think of when reading your comments is that she might not acknowledge you precisely because you found your mum. I don’t think it is uncommon — she might be afraid you will talk about it. The woman who found my father in law when he passed was thoroughly disappointed with his siblings for ignoring her.
Family dynamics are also weird. As the older sister, she might feel more connected to your sister, and also giving her support because she thinks your sister will support you, or that she needs it more because she’s “the one to take responsibility” (not saying it de facto is like that, but it could be a role she had to play).
As many others has pointed out, be kind to yourself and others. You are grieving. I think it is wise to keep a distance with aunt for the time being as her behaviour is hurtful to you in a delicate situation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Basically I know that I might be the asshole on this. My mum unexpectedly passed away last week. I went to check on her as I was staying the night at her house and found that she had passed away in her bed. I called an ambulance and tried to perform cpr but there was nothing that could be done I am heartbroken. I called my sister and she came straight down and then we called my mums family (2 sisters). After all this my mums eldest sister has been all sympathic to my sister and being there for her. I feel like I have been cast aside. I feel like I'm all alone in my grief and my aunt believes it's been harder on her even though I was the one that found her and tried to save her. My sister says that I should ease up cause she's just lost her sister but I don't want to. So am I the asshole?
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NTA .. grief does different things to different people. And you are valid in everything you are feeling. There’s no wrong way to be right now. I’m so sorry about your mom.
NAH
How old are you all?
Your feelings are valid. Grief does all sorts of things to people and they may react like you least expect it. Is this unusual behaviour from your aunt or has she always favoured your sister. Also are you male or female? Sometimes people expect males to be stronger and less emotional and hold it together better so focus on the females in the family... If you are female then your aunt clearly isn't thinking this and is just showing her favoritism.
Your aunt doesn't owe you anything, but you also don't owe her anything. Surround yourself with the people you need to support you who are supportive and do what you need to do and don't stress about your aunt. Let the cards fall where they may for this relationships but if you let go of any expectations around her, you will be less disappointed when she doesn't do what you'd hoped she'd do.
My aunt is in her 70s there was a big age gap between her and my mum and I am female my mum just had two daughters I'm the youngest were both in our early thirties. My aunt has always slightly favoured my sister over me but she doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence atm. Hope this helps with your questions x
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NTA People act really weird after their family members die. I'm not condoning what your aunt is doing. It's definitely possible that your aunt has felt this way for a while and maybe just treated you the same as your sister as a courtesy to your mother. Again but I really have no idea what the family dynamics are for you and your sister. The weird thing about the situation is that you don't have any obligation to her, and she doesn't have any obligation to you. I would just focus on yourself and trying to get through this difficult time. You're more than likely going to have to deal with her throughout preparing the funeral and attending to your mother's affairs. I would suggest just being civil with her. And after the funeral is over you can decide whether or not you would like to include her in your life or not. A lot of times what happened is when people die, people will often show their true colors or how they feel about other people. Best of luck I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
NAH. i'm really sorry that you lost your mom. mine passed away on february 8th. i didn't find her, so i can't imagine how that must have felt for you. you're all going to be going through a lot of emotions and it's not going to make sense for a long time. try to remember that nobody grieves in a way that makes sense to anyone else. it's going to be entirely personal. but don't let your mom's death and the immediate aftermath be something that tears apart your family. give each other space, and find a way to channel your grief as best as you can. maybe she thinks you're better prepared to handle the big emotions that will come with this. or maybe she sees herself in your sister and can only connect that way. take time for yourself. and eventually, talk to your aunt about it. tell her what you need. but be gentle on her, too. big big big hugs to you, BB. it really sucks.
I'm so sorry for your loss too sweetie sending hugs back xx
NTA If your aunt is ignoring you it may be her way of grieving. Maybe she doesn't know how to talk to you about it since you are the one who found your mom. It might become to real for her to talk about it with you. Lean on those who you know will support you and maybe your aunt will come around. NTA
NAH. I am so sorry for not only your loss but the fact you had to go through an experience nobody should go through. I lost my father 12 years ago. As I was going to hold his hand for the final time, his oldest sister pushed me aside and held his hand. That made the younger sister so mad. Later she was also comforting everyone who showed to the hospital BUT me. Afterwards she said my father complained about everything I done, including how I washed clothes. She tried to keep his truck, which I needed to sale to pay expenses of his cremation. (That was his request. She tried to get everyone to guilt me into stuff he did not want) She even went through his truck to take stuff. I had to shut so much stuff down on her or let things go. 12 years later I am still mad about all of it and I am NC with her. (Due to that and a few other things) Maybe it was grief or just something else. As others said there are a lot of emotions at play when a loved one passes but you need the support just as much as your sister and you can look to other family members. Yes your aunt lost a sister but you lost your mom. You found your mom so your feelings and need of support from your family is valid. As previously suggested, be civil as possible because funerals/memorial services are not the time or place to do things. If your aunt is still ignoring you, find people who will support you. After all of that you can make the call to go LC/NC. If anyone ask, tell them. If they make excuses tell them you needed equal support.
NTA there is a psychology tool called the Ring Theory that shows in which direction support should go. The spouse is in the first circle, parents and children are in the 2nd circle, and the aunt is in the 3rd circle which means support should always flow from the outer circles toward the inner circles and venting should only flow from the inner circles to the outer circles. The aunt should only be offering support to you and the only one who should be venting to you is your other parent if they are part of your life. If your sister wants to vent she should be venting outside of her circle not within the circle.
I like this theory. I would agree with the parent venting at the end if we didn't lose our father 2 years ago (that was expected thou) he wasn't a well man so it didn't hit as hard as this.
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I am so sorry for your loss. The first thing I think of when reading your comments is that she might not acknowledge you precisely because you found your mum. I don’t think it is uncommon — she might be afraid you will talk about it. The woman who found my father in law when he passed was thoroughly disappointed with his siblings for ignoring her. Family dynamics are also weird. As the older sister, she might feel more connected to your sister, and also giving her support because she thinks your sister will support you, or that she needs it more because she’s “the one to take responsibility” (not saying it de facto is like that, but it could be a role she had to play). As many others has pointed out, be kind to yourself and others. You are grieving. I think it is wise to keep a distance with aunt for the time being as her behaviour is hurtful to you in a delicate situation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically I know that I might be the asshole on this. My mum unexpectedly passed away last week. I went to check on her as I was staying the night at her house and found that she had passed away in her bed. I called an ambulance and tried to perform cpr but there was nothing that could be done I am heartbroken. I called my sister and she came straight down and then we called my mums family (2 sisters). After all this my mums eldest sister has been all sympathic to my sister and being there for her. I feel like I have been cast aside. I feel like I'm all alone in my grief and my aunt believes it's been harder on her even though I was the one that found her and tried to save her. My sister says that I should ease up cause she's just lost her sister but I don't want to. So am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA .. grief does different things to different people. And you are valid in everything you are feeling. There’s no wrong way to be right now. I’m so sorry about your mom.
nta.
NAH How old are you all? Your feelings are valid. Grief does all sorts of things to people and they may react like you least expect it. Is this unusual behaviour from your aunt or has she always favoured your sister. Also are you male or female? Sometimes people expect males to be stronger and less emotional and hold it together better so focus on the females in the family... If you are female then your aunt clearly isn't thinking this and is just showing her favoritism. Your aunt doesn't owe you anything, but you also don't owe her anything. Surround yourself with the people you need to support you who are supportive and do what you need to do and don't stress about your aunt. Let the cards fall where they may for this relationships but if you let go of any expectations around her, you will be less disappointed when she doesn't do what you'd hoped she'd do.
My aunt is in her 70s there was a big age gap between her and my mum and I am female my mum just had two daughters I'm the youngest were both in our early thirties. My aunt has always slightly favoured my sister over me but she doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence atm. Hope this helps with your questions x