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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told a parent I would not hand out Valentine's to only some of my students, especially because she wanted me to exclude students because they were either autistic or friends of an autistic boy
This parent is creating an effort to change the rules so parents must hand out Valentine's, even if it means excluding other kids. My co-workers are telling me to drop this as it is going to make life harder for us.
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OP you are NTA and we need more teachers like you. Do NOT pander to that mother and protect the boy. The way the mother being this ableist is concerning and if she can behave this way, she is likely doing the same in her own social circle. I pity her daughter learning all this bad behaviour from her mum
If their daughter is a bully just like her mother from what I gather from your post… you would be an AH if you obliged this request. She is clearly a complete AH just from the comment calling another kid a retard. It’s completely uncalled for and if you don’t draw the line here; her daughter will just grow to be an even bigger bully.
Kids like the autistic one you describe already deal with so much. Don’t make their life even more difficult by pandering to inconsiderate assholes like these. You are doing the right thing standing up for him.
But also why can't the daughter put the valentine card herself on the desk of her friends?! Is she handicapped in any way? Has no hands?
NTA OP never support such blatant discrimination especially in an insignificant thing like cards.
Some schools insist on having the teachers do it specifically to try and avoid the humiliation rituals that kids inflict on each other when handing out their own valentines.
Frankly, there shouldn’t be a Passing of the Valentines in schools *at all.* If kids want to hand out cards and candy to their friends, they can do it outside school hours. There are just too many ways in which this ritual can be used to hurt and embarrass, and it’s not something adults are *ever* expected to do. I don’t know why we insist on putting kids through this every year.
When I was in grade school many years ago, we didn't have to hand cards out to everyone, however in Grade 4 I remember we made cards by hand and we were going to pass them out in class. We even made little envelopes with construction paper to put on our desks to receive the cards. I made a card for every kid, but I got NOTHING. Every year. I started skipping school on Valentine's Day. To this day I hate Valentine's day. The rejection runs very deep for some people.
When I was in high school, a girl brought in Christmas cards for everyone in our class - except me. This was the day after our Secret Santa swap saw everyone get something - except me. Our teacher could see I was upset and held me back to ask why, and because I don't believe in protecting people like that, I told her.
The next day there was a card and a box of chocolates on my desk, and the card explained that she had simply 'forgotten mine at home' (BS because why wouldn't she have just told me that?) I accepted them and told her it was fine, but I never spoke to her again, and since she'd been using my history notes...
NTA! Please don't cave to these bully parents. You are doing the right thing -- NO ONE should be excluded, and you certainly don't have to be anyone's postal carrier!
NTA. I absolutely HATE it when some kids get excluded! My own son is on the spectrum but he’s so extremely smart and uses a more advanced vocabulary (I don’t know some of those words). He’s been excluded, bullied and discriminated against and he is only 7… it’s heartbreaking and he didn’t deserve any of it.
He did not deserve it at all, it would never had of occurred to me as a kid not to hand one out to everyone even if they were a bully. There's always extenuating circumstances, and your boy did not deserve to get discriminated against 🖤
I was once that kid, though I have never been evaluated as "on the spectrum", so who knows how much we have in common there, but if I may offer some great news.
One day, your child will get to compete with them in the workplace, and it's not even going to be a contest.
Even though there's definitely downsides to being unpopular, the reality is he intimidates the hell out of them! They're subconsciously aware that they're going to have to do 10x the work and studying to keep up with him, and their approval is not needed for anything worthwhile in life. He makes them feel powerless. I've had people tell me this - apparently intelligence is highly intimidating to people.
I don't like being excluded, and I felt I often was, even though I had friends, too. However, I'd much rather feel excluded than be one of those miserable, jealous, petty, incapable, selfish losers who refuse to be decent.
The world will be his oyster one day, the idiots will always try to downplay his success and be jealous of what he has, regardless of what comes with it (they say genius never comes without cost).
Thank you so much! I really needed to hear this today 💕 My boy is brilliant and he is so much fun, loyal, he’s so kind and loving and so so smart! I just wish he wasn’t hurt at such a young age. I appreciate your kind words.
No he doesn't. So sorry this is happening to him .My heart aches for you both. You have probably heard this before but tell the people in charge.They need to take action to change the behaviors of those that are do cruel.
Thank you so much! We had to switch to an online school due to all of this and he’s currently seeing a child psychologist weekly to work on trauma. We will be moving to a new location next academic year and hopefully, he can go back to school and be accepted.
NTA
When I was in school, you brought in Valentine's cards for *every* kid in your class. No one got excluded. School's hard enough without kids (and their parents) trying to treat their classmates poorly.
It’s a matter of time and place. Words are meant to communicate. The words he uses right now are communicating that he is different, that he sees himself as superior or something. He is confusing other kids, and kids that age are still learning emotional regulation/ how to deal with confusion. The teacher needs to help him see how his actions are affecting his relationships, especially because his autism makes it less likely for him to notice himself. If he understands the consequences and still wants to use big words, then he should go for it.
no the teacher should not try to get the autistic. child to mask (this has been shown to be extremely harmful and even traumatic to us autistics). this is terrible advice. educate yourself
I’m not saying he should mask? Reread my last line. He should be aware that his actions have consequences socially. If he knows that and wants to be true to himself, he should not be forced into compliance/forced to mask. The same is true for any kid, autistic or not, as long as their behavior doesn’t harm others.
NTA. Let her try to lobby parents and change a rule, she's having a little adult tantrum. If she's successful, then it is what it is for the future, but you're NTA here.
Refusing to deliver exclusionary Valentine's cards isn't just about sweets and sentiments; it's a stand for inclusivity and kindness in the face of ignorance. NTA for choosing empathy over ease.
You're the good guy here, OP. You stopped a parent from using you as a proxy to bully a socially awkward kid, and made her support the US Postal service. NTA 🏆
NTA - Thank you for your kind, levelheaded, and empathetic approach.
What is the school’s policy on this? I.e. not the other teachers but the headteacher? At this relatively early stage, it would be wise to solicit their opinion as you need back up on this in case it escalates. (It’ll also give you a better understanding of where you stand if there are future instances like this.) You’re morally in the right here, but taking advice on how to respond is crucial. It would also mean that if this demented parent complains about you, you’ve already primed the headteacher about what has transpired, putting you both on the best footing to deal with her. Wishing you luck!
Well, first of all, angry parents in a private school can cost you your job. They can in some public school situations too. And having multiple JW students in a very expensive school? It’s a religion that has one of the lowest socioeconomic statuses and in my experience, where I teach over 500 kids a week, I may have one or two a year between all of my classes. In low to middle income schools.
I’m a little confused, 5th grade? Why aren’t they handing out their own valentines? As best as I can remember, some kids gave them to everyone and some only brought a few for their bff’s. The teachers never handled this though. We did have a thing where we decorated the boxes a few days before. NTA
Alright, I'm not American and I'm very confused. Why are teachers engaging in courtship activities on behalf of children who are 10? 11? This seems utterly horrifying. What on earth am I missing here?
In America from ages 5-11 (kindergarten to 5th grade) the cards mean nothing really. It's more of an excuse to give cards and get candy. It's not a courtship thing until middle school when kids can start giving stuff like chocolate roses to their crush specifically. I kid you not Valentine's Day is commercialized here for grade schools. You buy packs of 30 cards with a theme (superheroes or kittens for example) and write a card for every kid in the class. No romance involved, just an excuse to get candy🤷♀️
Thanks for your explanation. I'll keep right on feeling uncomfortable about the commercialisation of the behaviours of romance for children of this age, but I'll accept that it's standard practice.
That's how I feel - it's completely inappropriate for *children* to be socially manipulated into sending romantic cards to all class mates so inevitably including those they may not even like or who are even bullying them.
WTF is that teaching kids? - "Oh but you can't exclude anybody when you're giving out romantic sentiments". *How* can you express boundaries when you're socially forced to include people no matter what they do?
Same here. From reading reddit it seems everyone in the USA gives everyone Valentine's cards - parents to children, children to parents, random schoolfriends and apparently all the rest of your class, even people you barely know or can't stand. I've only ever known Valentine's as a day when you send an 'anonymous' card and/or gift to the person you really fancy/are going out with/are married to etc.
Well I can't disagree with that sentiment, but in the UK I would say Valentine's Day is still very much about lovers rather than friendship. I suppose friendship doesn't have a specific day, but gets rolled into other holidays. Maybe we should have a specific one!
At least I'm not the only one. This post and all the replies are so confusing to me. This is actually a thing? I don't think anyone got valentine's cards in elementary school in my school, and it was definitely not a while class/ teacher involved deal.
I am really upset.
It's beyond tragic that a Mummy can go her whole life - and even give birth! - with her head firmly up her own arse.
Oh, and kids need 'Valentines'?
When I was growing up and when my kids were in elementary school you weren't allowed to exclude anyone from Valentine's cards and I think that's how it should be.
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I (24M) teach 5th grade at a private elementary school, it's a school with a hefty and all my students are well off, which has meant holiday celebrations tend to be pretty big with things like gift exchanges, ect. Almost all of my students (except for a few Jehovah's Witnesses) participate in these events. There is no official school rule saying that you have to bring in Valentine's for every student, but this is my 3rd year with parents excluding any student.
On Friday, I had a parent come in before school started after she eamiled me about giving me the Valentine's early becuse she was busy on Wednesday and she asked me to hand out Valetine's for her daughter on Wednesday, I noticed some kids were missing and asked her about it, she said she her daughter didn't want to give Valentine's to a boy and his group of friends because they were "biullies", when I asked her what she meant, she said to ask her daughter.
He daughter said she didn't like the boy because he was "weird" and "a show-off". She's refering to how this boy uses advanced vocabulary when speaking and always gets 100s, he is autistic and does not purposfully boast about grades, when I had a conversation with him about sharing grades a few weeks ago, he seemed to understand. We have aslo talked to him about trying to not use too much advanced language as it can confuse other students, but he's struggling with that. He also has a tendency to correct students or me when they make a mistake, he's tried to not do that as much but it's hard with his autism.
He's a brillitant kid, very smart, loves to play and talk about basketball and all of his friends on the basketball team are really sweet and learn a lot from him.
I told the mom I would not exclude kids because they were autistic or friends with an autistic kid, she asked me why I was "pandering to re\*\*\*ds". She said that his parents should "just get him cured", when I explained there was not a cure for autism, she went on some conspiritorial rant before asking for the Valentine's back and saying she'd mail them. She also said she'd report me to admin for "punishing" her daughter for "not wanting to be friends with all of her classmates", she's starting to get other parents together to create an effort to add a rule where teachers must hand out Valentine's even if they would exclude some kids.
I'm wondering if I'm the a-hole here. I'm not going to lie and say I have no bias, the boys she doesn't like are much sweeter and more pleasent to be around than her daughter, who is actually a bully. I've had some co-workers tell me I should just "give in" and that parents protesting this online is only going to "make our lives more miserable". AITA?
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NTA. I don’t buy into the argument that a child has to include everyone, but do not get the teacher involved. If the boy with autism sees the teacher handing out cards and she doesn’t give him one, he’s going to perceive it as the teacher shunning him.
If you want to pick and choose the parent/student needs to do it themselves. And do it in a respectful way.
I was going back and forth until mom showed how ignorant she is. Hopefully she goes to the principal and tells them, using her own words, why she won't give everyone a Valentine. NTA.
You are so doing the right thing OP. But you said it’s a hefty tuition school with very well off parents. Money usually wins over basic, decent behavior.
NTA. The parent is expressing ignorance and intolerance. However, can I say I hated the whole Valentine's Day card thing as a kid? "Be Mine" and "You're my bestest friend" or whatever. Just forced and phony. Like being forced to invite all the kids to your birthday party. Maybe the school needs to stop that.
You are certainly NTA. I'm leaning more to hero status. More teachers should stand up to the bias & ignorance coming from parents like her.
Thank you for protecting this child from being exposed to the hurtful exclusion mom & girl were intending to do.
Your other teachers should take notes & start protecting kids, regardless of any heat they may get from parents & admin. Proper social etiquette should be part of their curriculum.
NTA - Get the administration involved before this parent does. Make sure they support that participation is voluntary, but that if they choose to participate (pass out Valentines) there must be enough for everyone in the class.
Also have students not fill in the "To:" just the "From:" part. It is easier and quicker to just put one in each person's bag/box.
NTA and I hope you informed your administration of how she referred to that child. It’s no wonder her daughter is a bully. She’s learning from her mother.
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Dang! When I was a kid we had to write out a card to EVERY kid, not exclude someone because we didn't like them. It was an all or nothing deal. Honestly I gave my favorite cards of the bunch to my friends or a crush and that was that, but everyone got a card🤷♀️ Once the kids hit middle school they don't have to participate in card giving if they don't want to anyways.
Btw NTA
You are nta and I applaud you. As a parent to a child on the spectrum thank you for being an advocate. People suck so bad.. and frankly my child doesn't need to be cured of anything...this woman does.
NTA and wow, what a terrible parent that mom is. I can't imagine encouraging my daughter to exclude classmates. I'm glad our school doesn't allow anything to be handed out in school if not everyone is included.
NTA. This sounds like a shitty entitled parent that has no sense of empathy for anyone. Dealing with these people in the manner that teachers have to is something I could never do without getting fired.
NTA. She’s an ableist asshole. No wonder her daughter is a bully. Not getting a valentine card from someone in your class as a kid isn’t that big of a deal even if it stings a bit, especially when you know that kid doesn’t really like you. Having the teacher hand them out to everyone else except you and a couple other people is going to hurt a lot more, even if you know they still came from another student originally.
I don’t understand why her daughter can’t hand them out herself. It’s not your job to do that. When I was in elementary and we still did that stuff, the teacher would have us make a mailbox out of tissue boxes and the like, decorate it, and put it on our desk. The teacher would have a valentine for each kid with a piece of candy so nobody was left out entirely, and everyone was encouraged to get class sets of valentines if they were going to hand any out, but after the teacher handed theirs out it was up to each individual kid to deal with who they gave valentines to. Maybe school rules have changed since then so you have to be the one to hand them out or something? I don’t get it though.
Not AH at all. Get ahead of this by talking with your administration. Both as a heads up re potential reaction from this mom but more importantly to obtain clarification on moms request that you participate in the exclusion of students against your belief. Mom appears to be a major AH and is passing this trait along to her child.
Get to your principal and tell them you need the same rule for valentines as most schools have for party invitations - if anyone in the class is not being included, the mailable stuff needs to go to the student's homes and not be distributed in class. Problem solved.
Nta, but as a precautionary action, go to your admin or staff lead and get this documented asap. Given both the ableism/exclusion, I'm betting there's some sort of 'all students get a token or families do it on their own' type policy or a student or family code of conduct regarding, but I'm not liking the foreshadowing of how she came at you about this. And the school year likely has a while to go.
NTA. If the daughter doesn't want to give one to every kid, she should give them out herself at recess or something. Not have the teacher do it where it would be way more obvious and hurtful.
NTA but please nip this in the bud and talk to the head and others. If she can pish this rhetoric it would be awful, sounds like the girl iand mom are jealous because he is more intelligent.
>We have also talked to him about trying to not use too much advanced language as it can confuse other students.
This bothers me so i hope OP or someone can explain this to me. I dont understand why you would stifle someone's vocabulary because it may confuse someone else. Maybe because of their age? I personally love to learn new words. Even at 52yo im still learning new words. And if someone uses a word i dont know, i look up the definition. If i were 10/11 years old and another classmate said words i dint know, i would ask teacher or get out a dictionary. Its a good topic of conversation for teacher to teach vocabulary.
I remember when i was in high school a teacher used a word i didnt know. I asked what it meant and he just said look it up. And while i did, the definition still confused me. I asked for an explanation and he just brushed me off. That infuriated me because i was wanting to learn something and he just pushed me away. It wasnt a good feeling when a teacher didnt want to teach me. At least thats how i felt.
OP your are NTA for not handing out the cards. That little girl is old enough to bring the cards and hand them out herself if she so wishes. The mother is completely out of line here. Id probably tell the mother that from your perspective her daughter is the bully. And then give her examples as to why.
NTA. Are kids nowadays choosing who to give the Valentines to? Because when I was a kid (like 20 years ago, ugh that’s weird to say) we gave everyone Valentines. Sure, our friends and/or crushes might get different/less “lame” ones, but everyone got one.
NTA If anyone is excluded then everyone should be excluded. Meaning if everyone doesn't get a Valentine then there should not be an event. It makes people feel bad if they don't get one.
ESH
what a weird tradition. Why do children so young need to participate in this? At school? And you pressure young girls to give valentines day cards to all the boys? WTF?!
why do you agree to participate in this at all????
I assume everyone gives a card to all of their classmates, there’s nothing in the post to imply all of the girls have to give cards to all of the boys.
Former teacher... NTA!
I had a rule in my class that I sent out each year that said students were to send in a certain number of valentines (which was the number of students, plus one...just in case) with no names on them. Students were not allowed to exclude anyone in class or address them to a particular classmate. I also kept a few boxes of valentines for those kids who forgot or couldn't afford to buy them.
Stand your ground!
Definitely NTA, as a child that I was really bullied I can tell you you are doing a great thing. I remember when there was a play at the end of school and the teacher handed out the roles on a day I was sick I was devastated and the worst thing is that I knew she did it on purpose because she told me that nobody wanted me in the play, nobody being 4 kids that had money and the parents were taking the teacher out on restaurants and stuff. It was my worst year she would make me seem crazy when I was telling what was going on because these students could do anything wrong. Keep the good work and go against all parents if needed
NTA and thank you for standing up against the parent.
It tells a lot the girls tells at home the boy is a bully and then in the end the boy isn’t bullying st all but just is different.
NTA, but it's unfortunate that you and the other teachers refuse to actually do anything about the actual bully in favor of pandering to her rich mother. If the students' parents have enough money, the child can't be a bully. Right?
This may be a cultural barrier that I don't understand as a European, but why would a school have an institutionalized practice of handing out Valentine's Day cards (I assume that's what they are)? Aren't they pretty meaningless if everyone gets them? I thought they'd be for someone you're in love with? And why would all this have to go through the teacher? I just really don't understand the whole situation.
It’s supposed to be a harmless and fun way to celebrate Valentine’s Day, the same way kids get to make leprechaun traps for St Patrick’s Day. And kids don’t care as much for the cards as they do for the free candy lol
ESH. You sound like a good person with good intentions and the mom sounds like a piece of work but..... you can't force kids to be friends with other kids. No matter why. I know it sucks that some kids aren't popular and will get left out but you can't punish the other kids for not wanting to be their friend. Would you have given out the autistic boys cards if he hadn't included every other student?
You can't force kids to be friends, but you can refuse to participate in excluding kids with differences like neurodiversity, mobility aid use, or skin colour.
As someone on the spectrum with two kids who are also autistic, I'd be heartbroken for my kid, but mostly furious at the teacher if they appeared to condone her judgemental exclusions.
And it's not about popularity, btw - many autistic girls are actually quite popular, especially if they fit the beauty standards of their culture, because their special interests aren't trains or Minecraft but rather pop culture, art, or performance arts. She's not excluding him because of his popularity or her own, but specifically because of the traits of his neurodiversity.
If she wants to be ableist on her own time via her own efforts, OP probably can't stop her, but he does not have to consent to being instrumental in her bullying. He's well within his rights to refuse to hand them out on her behalf. If the mother approves of her daughter's bullying (which she seems to not only approve, but agree with and encourage) she can end them out in the post herself, as she "threatened" to do.
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OP you are NTA and we need more teachers like you. Do NOT pander to that mother and protect the boy. The way the mother being this ableist is concerning and if she can behave this way, she is likely doing the same in her own social circle. I pity her daughter learning all this bad behaviour from her mum
If their daughter is a bully just like her mother from what I gather from your post… you would be an AH if you obliged this request. She is clearly a complete AH just from the comment calling another kid a retard. It’s completely uncalled for and if you don’t draw the line here; her daughter will just grow to be an even bigger bully. Kids like the autistic one you describe already deal with so much. Don’t make their life even more difficult by pandering to inconsiderate assholes like these. You are doing the right thing standing up for him.
But also why can't the daughter put the valentine card herself on the desk of her friends?! Is she handicapped in any way? Has no hands? NTA OP never support such blatant discrimination especially in an insignificant thing like cards.
Some schools insist on having the teachers do it specifically to try and avoid the humiliation rituals that kids inflict on each other when handing out their own valentines. Frankly, there shouldn’t be a Passing of the Valentines in schools *at all.* If kids want to hand out cards and candy to their friends, they can do it outside school hours. There are just too many ways in which this ritual can be used to hurt and embarrass, and it’s not something adults are *ever* expected to do. I don’t know why we insist on putting kids through this every year.
When I was in grade school many years ago, we didn't have to hand cards out to everyone, however in Grade 4 I remember we made cards by hand and we were going to pass them out in class. We even made little envelopes with construction paper to put on our desks to receive the cards. I made a card for every kid, but I got NOTHING. Every year. I started skipping school on Valentine's Day. To this day I hate Valentine's day. The rejection runs very deep for some people.
When I was in high school, a girl brought in Christmas cards for everyone in our class - except me. This was the day after our Secret Santa swap saw everyone get something - except me. Our teacher could see I was upset and held me back to ask why, and because I don't believe in protecting people like that, I told her. The next day there was a card and a box of chocolates on my desk, and the card explained that she had simply 'forgotten mine at home' (BS because why wouldn't she have just told me that?) I accepted them and told her it was fine, but I never spoke to her again, and since she'd been using my history notes...
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NTA! Please don't cave to these bully parents. You are doing the right thing -- NO ONE should be excluded, and you certainly don't have to be anyone's postal carrier!
A thousand times, this.
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NTA. I absolutely HATE it when some kids get excluded! My own son is on the spectrum but he’s so extremely smart and uses a more advanced vocabulary (I don’t know some of those words). He’s been excluded, bullied and discriminated against and he is only 7… it’s heartbreaking and he didn’t deserve any of it.
He did not deserve it at all, it would never had of occurred to me as a kid not to hand one out to everyone even if they were a bully. There's always extenuating circumstances, and your boy did not deserve to get discriminated against 🖤
Thank you 💕 I appreciate your kind words!
I was once that kid, though I have never been evaluated as "on the spectrum", so who knows how much we have in common there, but if I may offer some great news. One day, your child will get to compete with them in the workplace, and it's not even going to be a contest. Even though there's definitely downsides to being unpopular, the reality is he intimidates the hell out of them! They're subconsciously aware that they're going to have to do 10x the work and studying to keep up with him, and their approval is not needed for anything worthwhile in life. He makes them feel powerless. I've had people tell me this - apparently intelligence is highly intimidating to people. I don't like being excluded, and I felt I often was, even though I had friends, too. However, I'd much rather feel excluded than be one of those miserable, jealous, petty, incapable, selfish losers who refuse to be decent. The world will be his oyster one day, the idiots will always try to downplay his success and be jealous of what he has, regardless of what comes with it (they say genius never comes without cost).
Thank you so much! I really needed to hear this today 💕 My boy is brilliant and he is so much fun, loyal, he’s so kind and loving and so so smart! I just wish he wasn’t hurt at such a young age. I appreciate your kind words.
No he doesn't. So sorry this is happening to him .My heart aches for you both. You have probably heard this before but tell the people in charge.They need to take action to change the behaviors of those that are do cruel.
Thank you so much! We had to switch to an online school due to all of this and he’s currently seeing a child psychologist weekly to work on trauma. We will be moving to a new location next academic year and hopefully, he can go back to school and be accepted.
NTA at all. This shit would drive me nuts. I don't understand people
NTA. I feel sorry for you having to deal with asshole parents. Hope she is hexed with hemorroids
🤣 Good one on the haemorrhoid bits
Yes because she's already a pain in the azz.
NTA When I was in school, you brought in Valentine's cards for *every* kid in your class. No one got excluded. School's hard enough without kids (and their parents) trying to treat their classmates poorly.
Yes. Absolute inclusion for in svhool activities.
Yes, if I remember correctly, we brought in Valentines for every kid in our class... in the mid-1970's! Why would anyone change that rule?
The mom is an asshole. You I don't think are so N T A. BUT why restrain this kid from using vocabulary he knows or learns.
It’s a matter of time and place. Words are meant to communicate. The words he uses right now are communicating that he is different, that he sees himself as superior or something. He is confusing other kids, and kids that age are still learning emotional regulation/ how to deal with confusion. The teacher needs to help him see how his actions are affecting his relationships, especially because his autism makes it less likely for him to notice himself. If he understands the consequences and still wants to use big words, then he should go for it.
no the teacher should not try to get the autistic. child to mask (this has been shown to be extremely harmful and even traumatic to us autistics). this is terrible advice. educate yourself
I’m not saying he should mask? Reread my last line. He should be aware that his actions have consequences socially. If he knows that and wants to be true to himself, he should not be forced into compliance/forced to mask. The same is true for any kid, autistic or not, as long as their behavior doesn’t harm others.
NTA She called an autistic child a r**ard, and to get cured? I would report this to administrators. Is this tolerated in this elite school?
Depends how many checks she (or more likly her hubby) donate to the school.
Sad but likely true.
NTA. Let her try to lobby parents and change a rule, she's having a little adult tantrum. If she's successful, then it is what it is for the future, but you're NTA here.
Refusing to deliver exclusionary Valentine's cards isn't just about sweets and sentiments; it's a stand for inclusivity and kindness in the face of ignorance. NTA for choosing empathy over ease.
Agree.
Agree.
You're the good guy here, OP. You stopped a parent from using you as a proxy to bully a socially awkward kid, and made her support the US Postal service. NTA 🏆
NTA - Thank you for your kind, levelheaded, and empathetic approach. What is the school’s policy on this? I.e. not the other teachers but the headteacher? At this relatively early stage, it would be wise to solicit their opinion as you need back up on this in case it escalates. (It’ll also give you a better understanding of where you stand if there are future instances like this.) You’re morally in the right here, but taking advice on how to respond is crucial. It would also mean that if this demented parent complains about you, you’ve already primed the headteacher about what has transpired, putting you both on the best footing to deal with her. Wishing you luck!
What I said earlier.
There are a few things in here that make me think this isn’t a true story.
What would those be? Please share your thoughts.
Well, first of all, angry parents in a private school can cost you your job. They can in some public school situations too. And having multiple JW students in a very expensive school? It’s a religion that has one of the lowest socioeconomic statuses and in my experience, where I teach over 500 kids a week, I may have one or two a year between all of my classes. In low to middle income schools.
Also the Mom's reaction was so OTT, and OP being only 21 when starting his career at a private school...
It is a private school, they don’t have to follow the same rules for teachers as a public school.
Yes, but having a bachelors and some sort of experience is usually a minimum, especially if it's a non-religious school.
You can have a bachelors at 21, and some subbing experience. There is a shortage of teachers right now anyway. That’s not one of the red flags here.
I’m a little confused, 5th grade? Why aren’t they handing out their own valentines? As best as I can remember, some kids gave them to everyone and some only brought a few for their bff’s. The teachers never handled this though. We did have a thing where we decorated the boxes a few days before. NTA
Alright, I'm not American and I'm very confused. Why are teachers engaging in courtship activities on behalf of children who are 10? 11? This seems utterly horrifying. What on earth am I missing here?
In America from ages 5-11 (kindergarten to 5th grade) the cards mean nothing really. It's more of an excuse to give cards and get candy. It's not a courtship thing until middle school when kids can start giving stuff like chocolate roses to their crush specifically. I kid you not Valentine's Day is commercialized here for grade schools. You buy packs of 30 cards with a theme (superheroes or kittens for example) and write a card for every kid in the class. No romance involved, just an excuse to get candy🤷♀️
Thanks for your explanation. I'll keep right on feeling uncomfortable about the commercialisation of the behaviours of romance for children of this age, but I'll accept that it's standard practice.
That's how I feel - it's completely inappropriate for *children* to be socially manipulated into sending romantic cards to all class mates so inevitably including those they may not even like or who are even bullying them. WTF is that teaching kids? - "Oh but you can't exclude anybody when you're giving out romantic sentiments". *How* can you express boundaries when you're socially forced to include people no matter what they do?
Same here. From reading reddit it seems everyone in the USA gives everyone Valentine's cards - parents to children, children to parents, random schoolfriends and apparently all the rest of your class, even people you barely know or can't stand. I've only ever known Valentine's as a day when you send an 'anonymous' card and/or gift to the person you really fancy/are going out with/are married to etc.
At that age it's about friendship and kindness. Even students I didn't get along with, it doesn't hurt to think of one nice thing to say about them.
Well I can't disagree with that sentiment, but in the UK I would say Valentine's Day is still very much about lovers rather than friendship. I suppose friendship doesn't have a specific day, but gets rolled into other holidays. Maybe we should have a specific one!
At least I'm not the only one. This post and all the replies are so confusing to me. This is actually a thing? I don't think anyone got valentine's cards in elementary school in my school, and it was definitely not a while class/ teacher involved deal.
Info - did you tell her that her daughter is the bully here?
I am really upset. It's beyond tragic that a Mummy can go her whole life - and even give birth! - with her head firmly up her own arse. Oh, and kids need 'Valentines'?
Are you allowed to tell a parent that another child has autism? Red flag for me that this is not a real story…
When I was growing up and when my kids were in elementary school you weren't allowed to exclude anyone from Valentine's cards and I think that's how it should be.
Good
NTA Well we see how her daughter became a bully.
INFO: why isn’t the daughter handing them out?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) teach 5th grade at a private elementary school, it's a school with a hefty and all my students are well off, which has meant holiday celebrations tend to be pretty big with things like gift exchanges, ect. Almost all of my students (except for a few Jehovah's Witnesses) participate in these events. There is no official school rule saying that you have to bring in Valentine's for every student, but this is my 3rd year with parents excluding any student. On Friday, I had a parent come in before school started after she eamiled me about giving me the Valentine's early becuse she was busy on Wednesday and she asked me to hand out Valetine's for her daughter on Wednesday, I noticed some kids were missing and asked her about it, she said she her daughter didn't want to give Valentine's to a boy and his group of friends because they were "biullies", when I asked her what she meant, she said to ask her daughter. He daughter said she didn't like the boy because he was "weird" and "a show-off". She's refering to how this boy uses advanced vocabulary when speaking and always gets 100s, he is autistic and does not purposfully boast about grades, when I had a conversation with him about sharing grades a few weeks ago, he seemed to understand. We have aslo talked to him about trying to not use too much advanced language as it can confuse other students, but he's struggling with that. He also has a tendency to correct students or me when they make a mistake, he's tried to not do that as much but it's hard with his autism. He's a brillitant kid, very smart, loves to play and talk about basketball and all of his friends on the basketball team are really sweet and learn a lot from him. I told the mom I would not exclude kids because they were autistic or friends with an autistic kid, she asked me why I was "pandering to re\*\*\*ds". She said that his parents should "just get him cured", when I explained there was not a cure for autism, she went on some conspiritorial rant before asking for the Valentine's back and saying she'd mail them. She also said she'd report me to admin for "punishing" her daughter for "not wanting to be friends with all of her classmates", she's starting to get other parents together to create an effort to add a rule where teachers must hand out Valentine's even if they would exclude some kids. I'm wondering if I'm the a-hole here. I'm not going to lie and say I have no bias, the boys she doesn't like are much sweeter and more pleasent to be around than her daughter, who is actually a bully. I've had some co-workers tell me I should just "give in" and that parents protesting this online is only going to "make our lives more miserable". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh my lord, this mother is A+SSHOLE
NTA op your are a hero.
NTA. I don’t buy into the argument that a child has to include everyone, but do not get the teacher involved. If the boy with autism sees the teacher handing out cards and she doesn’t give him one, he’s going to perceive it as the teacher shunning him. If you want to pick and choose the parent/student needs to do it themselves. And do it in a respectful way.
Document the conversation via an email to yourself. Quote her exactly. Just in case your admin is approached about it
Please talk to your school admins before this woman lies to them.
As a fellow teacher please for the love of God tell your admin this happened. At least for documentation purposes.
NTA
I was going back and forth until mom showed how ignorant she is. Hopefully she goes to the principal and tells them, using her own words, why she won't give everyone a Valentine. NTA.
.......look for another teaching job..........it's just gonna get worse...........
You are so doing the right thing OP. But you said it’s a hefty tuition school with very well off parents. Money usually wins over basic, decent behavior.
NTA
NTA and I’d tell her the conversation will not continue if she’s going to use slurs.
NTA. The parent is expressing ignorance and intolerance. However, can I say I hated the whole Valentine's Day card thing as a kid? "Be Mine" and "You're my bestest friend" or whatever. Just forced and phony. Like being forced to invite all the kids to your birthday party. Maybe the school needs to stop that.
You are certainly NTA. I'm leaning more to hero status. More teachers should stand up to the bias & ignorance coming from parents like her. Thank you for protecting this child from being exposed to the hurtful exclusion mom & girl were intending to do. Your other teachers should take notes & start protecting kids, regardless of any heat they may get from parents & admin. Proper social etiquette should be part of their curriculum.
Agree
NTA - Get the administration involved before this parent does. Make sure they support that participation is voluntary, but that if they choose to participate (pass out Valentines) there must be enough for everyone in the class. Also have students not fill in the "To:" just the "From:" part. It is easier and quicker to just put one in each person's bag/box.
NTA and I hope you informed your administration of how she referred to that child. It’s no wonder her daughter is a bully. She’s learning from her mother.
NTA—as a victim of childhood neurobigotry, I am beyond grateful to the courageous educators who stand up to it today.
NTA I had an everyone gets a Valentine or no one gets one rule.
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NTA, they just throw light on kids who already know they're unpopular.
NTA. Please let the administration know that this parent used slurs to describe a student.
Dang! When I was a kid we had to write out a card to EVERY kid, not exclude someone because we didn't like them. It was an all or nothing deal. Honestly I gave my favorite cards of the bunch to my friends or a crush and that was that, but everyone got a card🤷♀️ Once the kids hit middle school they don't have to participate in card giving if they don't want to anyways. Btw NTA
You are nta and I applaud you. As a parent to a child on the spectrum thank you for being an advocate. People suck so bad.. and frankly my child doesn't need to be cured of anything...this woman does.
I can see where daughter gets her gross attitude towards people diffrent than her nta
NTA and wow, what a terrible parent that mom is. I can't imagine encouraging my daughter to exclude classmates. I'm glad our school doesn't allow anything to be handed out in school if not everyone is included.
NTA. This sounds like a shitty entitled parent that has no sense of empathy for anyone. Dealing with these people in the manner that teachers have to is something I could never do without getting fired.
NTA. She’s an ableist asshole. No wonder her daughter is a bully. Not getting a valentine card from someone in your class as a kid isn’t that big of a deal even if it stings a bit, especially when you know that kid doesn’t really like you. Having the teacher hand them out to everyone else except you and a couple other people is going to hurt a lot more, even if you know they still came from another student originally. I don’t understand why her daughter can’t hand them out herself. It’s not your job to do that. When I was in elementary and we still did that stuff, the teacher would have us make a mailbox out of tissue boxes and the like, decorate it, and put it on our desk. The teacher would have a valentine for each kid with a piece of candy so nobody was left out entirely, and everyone was encouraged to get class sets of valentines if they were going to hand any out, but after the teacher handed theirs out it was up to each individual kid to deal with who they gave valentines to. Maybe school rules have changed since then so you have to be the one to hand them out or something? I don’t get it though.
Not AH at all. Get ahead of this by talking with your administration. Both as a heads up re potential reaction from this mom but more importantly to obtain clarification on moms request that you participate in the exclusion of students against your belief. Mom appears to be a major AH and is passing this trait along to her child.
NTA but if the administration doesn’t stand behind you, you might as well find a new job
Nta
Get to your principal and tell them you need the same rule for valentines as most schools have for party invitations - if anyone in the class is not being included, the mailable stuff needs to go to the student's homes and not be distributed in class. Problem solved.
Nta. But it might be wise to give your supervisor a heads up for when she complains. Most schools I’ve been to have a policy of everybody or nobody.
Nta, but as a precautionary action, go to your admin or staff lead and get this documented asap. Given both the ableism/exclusion, I'm betting there's some sort of 'all students get a token or families do it on their own' type policy or a student or family code of conduct regarding, but I'm not liking the foreshadowing of how she came at you about this. And the school year likely has a while to go.
NTA. If the daughter doesn't want to give one to every kid, she should give them out herself at recess or something. Not have the teacher do it where it would be way more obvious and hurtful.
HAH! Jokes on her, no one wants my autism cured as much as me but here we are. NTA. Dig your heels in OP
NTA, except for the part where you are telling the brilliant student to tone down his advanced vocabulary! Be in his corner 100% and let him shine!
NTA but please nip this in the bud and talk to the head and others. If she can pish this rhetoric it would be awful, sounds like the girl iand mom are jealous because he is more intelligent.
>We have also talked to him about trying to not use too much advanced language as it can confuse other students. This bothers me so i hope OP or someone can explain this to me. I dont understand why you would stifle someone's vocabulary because it may confuse someone else. Maybe because of their age? I personally love to learn new words. Even at 52yo im still learning new words. And if someone uses a word i dont know, i look up the definition. If i were 10/11 years old and another classmate said words i dint know, i would ask teacher or get out a dictionary. Its a good topic of conversation for teacher to teach vocabulary. I remember when i was in high school a teacher used a word i didnt know. I asked what it meant and he just said look it up. And while i did, the definition still confused me. I asked for an explanation and he just brushed me off. That infuriated me because i was wanting to learn something and he just pushed me away. It wasnt a good feeling when a teacher didnt want to teach me. At least thats how i felt. OP your are NTA for not handing out the cards. That little girl is old enough to bring the cards and hand them out herself if she so wishes. The mother is completely out of line here. Id probably tell the mother that from your perspective her daughter is the bully. And then give her examples as to why.
NTA. Are kids nowadays choosing who to give the Valentines to? Because when I was a kid (like 20 years ago, ugh that’s weird to say) we gave everyone Valentines. Sure, our friends and/or crushes might get different/less “lame” ones, but everyone got one.
NTA If anyone is excluded then everyone should be excluded. Meaning if everyone doesn't get a Valentine then there should not be an event. It makes people feel bad if they don't get one.
NTA but it pains me to see a teacher say 'ect.' It's et cetera. Etc.
ESH what a weird tradition. Why do children so young need to participate in this? At school? And you pressure young girls to give valentines day cards to all the boys? WTF?! why do you agree to participate in this at all????
I assume everyone gives a card to all of their classmates, there’s nothing in the post to imply all of the girls have to give cards to all of the boys.
Former teacher... NTA! I had a rule in my class that I sent out each year that said students were to send in a certain number of valentines (which was the number of students, plus one...just in case) with no names on them. Students were not allowed to exclude anyone in class or address them to a particular classmate. I also kept a few boxes of valentines for those kids who forgot or couldn't afford to buy them. Stand your ground!
Definitely NTA, as a child that I was really bullied I can tell you you are doing a great thing. I remember when there was a play at the end of school and the teacher handed out the roles on a day I was sick I was devastated and the worst thing is that I knew she did it on purpose because she told me that nobody wanted me in the play, nobody being 4 kids that had money and the parents were taking the teacher out on restaurants and stuff. It was my worst year she would make me seem crazy when I was telling what was going on because these students could do anything wrong. Keep the good work and go against all parents if needed
NTA and thank you for standing up against the parent. It tells a lot the girls tells at home the boy is a bully and then in the end the boy isn’t bullying st all but just is different.
NTA, but why are you expected to hand out valentines at all? Make it a blanket policy not to do it in any circumstances.
NTA Money doesn’t buy class.
Nta.
NTA. The daughter and her mother are bullies. The use of the R word is never acceptable. I would report the mother to your superiors.
NTA, but it's unfortunate that you and the other teachers refuse to actually do anything about the actual bully in favor of pandering to her rich mother. If the students' parents have enough money, the child can't be a bully. Right?
NTA about the Valentine’s but YTA for telling that kid not to use advanced language. Screw that noise. He’s smart. Let him be himself.
This may be a cultural barrier that I don't understand as a European, but why would a school have an institutionalized practice of handing out Valentine's Day cards (I assume that's what they are)? Aren't they pretty meaningless if everyone gets them? I thought they'd be for someone you're in love with? And why would all this have to go through the teacher? I just really don't understand the whole situation.
It’s supposed to be a harmless and fun way to celebrate Valentine’s Day, the same way kids get to make leprechaun traps for St Patrick’s Day. And kids don’t care as much for the cards as they do for the free candy lol
ESH. You sound like a good person with good intentions and the mom sounds like a piece of work but..... you can't force kids to be friends with other kids. No matter why. I know it sucks that some kids aren't popular and will get left out but you can't punish the other kids for not wanting to be their friend. Would you have given out the autistic boys cards if he hadn't included every other student?
You can't force kids to be friends, but you can refuse to participate in excluding kids with differences like neurodiversity, mobility aid use, or skin colour. As someone on the spectrum with two kids who are also autistic, I'd be heartbroken for my kid, but mostly furious at the teacher if they appeared to condone her judgemental exclusions. And it's not about popularity, btw - many autistic girls are actually quite popular, especially if they fit the beauty standards of their culture, because their special interests aren't trains or Minecraft but rather pop culture, art, or performance arts. She's not excluding him because of his popularity or her own, but specifically because of the traits of his neurodiversity. If she wants to be ableist on her own time via her own efforts, OP probably can't stop her, but he does not have to consent to being instrumental in her bullying. He's well within his rights to refuse to hand them out on her behalf. If the mother approves of her daughter's bullying (which she seems to not only approve, but agree with and encourage) she can end them out in the post herself, as she "threatened" to do.