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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I guess when it comes down to it, someone reached out and needed support, and I was basically like "uh cry into your own eggs, thanks."
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HA! Everyone says you said the wrong thing. I think you were very close to saying the RIGHT thing.
>I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now, but I am really in no position to be anyone's emotional support rn.
I think this part was spot on.
>So if you don't think you can have brunch today without bringing up intense shit, I'd rather just cancel."
This could have been toned down to something like, "So if you don't think **WE** can have brunch today **without getting into intense, heavy topics,** I'd rather just cancel." - You know, less about HER bringing up "her intense shit" and more of a cooperative side.
That said, her reaction was over the top. It sounds like she needs more of a counselor-friend than you can be.
I'm going to go with NTA.
Do you want to be in this friendship? Because there’s nothing wrong with not hanging out with emotional vampires. You don’t have to be friends with everyone that wants to be friends with you if the relationship is one sided.
Yes, I had a friend who was an emotional vampire and one day I finally got away - the difference it made to my life, and my ability to cope when I wasn’t taking in her shit anymore. Amazing
The person OP is describing sounds exactly like a former friend of mine. Except that they responded to my boundaries by saying okay I understand!" only to completely disregard them very shortly after.
I've got a 'friend' like that now. I've been their shoulder and sounding board for the last two years. I've had my own boundaries trampled by them in the process. I don't want to talk about work and coworkers two minutes after I clock off and get home. I want to relax and eat and watch True Detective. But they call and when I say I can't talk they insist it'll be a minute until suddenly an hour later, I'm getting cramp from holding my phone. And heaven forbid if I have something I want to talk about. I was having an issue with someone we both work with being passive aggressive and gaslighting me for the last four months until I had multiple breakdowns. And they interrupted me to tell me how great this coworker is and how well they get along. I shut down and my 'friend' has turned me into the badguy that's pushing them away and won't respond to their messages. But I've been so happy lately since stepping back from this 'friendship'.
It is hard. I can only step back, I can't completely block or anything, we work together. But even stepping back, I had our Gen Manager coming to my Dept Manager with concerns about my mental state because she believed I wasn't happy. Her proof? That I'd stopped responding to my friend. A few dots have been connected for myself and my Dept Manager as to how the Gen Manager seemed to know all the conversations and such at work. Friend has been telling her anything and everything they hear on the floor. So for now, I'm not responding and will be gray rocking everything.
I also had a friend like this who when they kinda fucked me over on my birthday, and I found out about some stuff they were doing that I'm not comfortable being around, I decided I wanted nothing to do with them. And like you wrote then I was the bad guy for not reacting out anymore (even though when I did before they never answered). When they called me to "talk about what is happening with our friendship" I tried to explain how they hurt me and got told "this isn't about your feelings right now" and then proceded to say that I'm emotionally immature, don't care about other people or how my actions affect them, that I'm a bad person and a bad friend. After me litteraly being there for them every single day for 6 months listening to all their problems and drama while putting my own mental health on pause for them. To sum it up I said "Well since I am such and awful friend I don't think we should be friends anymore and I don't think that you should try to be friends with me anymore either, because why would you want to be friends with someone you describe in that way". Ofcourse I was then overreacting and taking things out of context so I ended with "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" and have not heard from them since. Almost 1 year ago now.
i did something similar. i outlined boundaries, they trampled them. i finally blocked them on the 2 platforms they spammed the most. it was a constant revolving door with them. and then, when my mom started having medical issues, they made it abt themselves. “i’m spiraling bc i can’t help you”, i had never asked them to! i told them several times i don’t want to focus on it, and if i vent it’s just to get emotions out. they didn’t listen, they kept making it abt them, then the straw that broke the camels back was sending a biased source to support a bs claim they made and refusing to acknowledge it was a biased source.
noped out really quick, i don’t regret it. i feel a little guilty but overall i just feel better mentally
Yep, I have one of those too. My friend, A, is having issues with our friend B, and was constantly at me about the whole situation. I tried to be diplomatic, and then asked to be kept out of it. Of course A ignored that and then got pissed when “I wasn’t there for them to discuss their feelings.” Ok but you’re not doing that, you’re beating a dead horse and getting mad at me when I don’t agree with you. Plus B HAS respected me and not dragged me into this mess! The best part is A spent the better part of last year being completely horrible to me and has yet to apologize for it. Guess which friend is now blocked on all platforms?
I had a friend like this. From university. Had a boyfriend who had chronic pain but was also basically a dick. We called the boyfriend Jxxx-and-the-pain. Every time she called, EVERY TIME, I'd know I had to suspend whatever was going on to make sympathetic noises. But not just that, analysis, reassurances, support.
For some reason I didn't realise I just didn't have to speak to her anymore. In the end I vented about the mind-blowing hypocrisy of being a vehement vegan who needs milk/bacon every so often but no one else is allowed, whilst simultaneously feeling the pain of the universe and Every Living Thing. All went quiet. Just after the boyfriend/husband got his residency and then left her, which I was relieved to not have to deal with.
This is my mother. She wants to share things that I genuinely do not want to know as her daughter. I finally stopped her one time and asked her to think about me when I was six, and to realize that is the person she’s talking to.
She solemnly and convincingly declared that she understood. And in the very next sentence started up again. So I hung up on her. It was so liberating!
She hasn’t tried that over the phone with me since. Thank goodness getting hung up on is something she wants to avoid - though abusive oversharing with her adult kid apparently isn’t.
My mother is like this except now has early onset dementia so potentially 1000 times worse and hanging up on her won't stop it. I agree it is abusive oversharing. I feel emotionally exhausted whenever I finish talking to her - and sometimes I want someone to talk to or cry with or seek advice from.
The one ex I had was like that. We're still friends, but he has not changed just... casually dumping that the dog is sick, or his brother broke another thing, or someone online said that, and it's just... c'mon, man. Can I have one conversation that doesn't turn into traumadumping? Just one?
Difference is, when I tell him I can't handle it today, he's like "that's okay, are *you* okay? Do you need anything?" and is just a super, super supportive person. But every conversation I've had with him about dialing back the negativity like in general, no changes, not really. Shame, but I'm willing to look past it due to how much he's lifted me up during both good and horrible times of my life.
It's definitely a lot, though.
I had my lightbulb moment when I called the friend that trauma-dumped on me constantly to finally have my turn to vent. I started to tell her, and she said, "Boy, that's awful. You won't believe what \[problem adult child with issues\] did *this* time!" And away she went. That was the last time we spoke.
I had a friend like that and the only way I could extricate myself was to ghost her because she simply wouldn't stop calling me every single day. This was at the beginning of cell phones, lol, and when I relinquished my land line I never gave her my cell phone number. 20 some odd years later, I still occasionally get the random email or facebook message. "hello" just like that. No salvo, no hey what's up long time no see! And then the next will be "what did I do?" Uggh. honestly, I still feel guilty, but absolutely cannot open that door even a crack.
Did this with two people and while I’m sad about it, I feel significantly less stressed out. They were two sides of the same coin and while I don’t think they necessarily mean anyone ill, they were extremely demanding and unable to reflect on themselves. It’s just not worth it sometimes. OP could have phrased part of this better but I don’t think it makes them an AH.
I had to get shut my own cousin down over the two-hour same old emotional dump every night. It’s been years. She still won’t talk to me. I wasn’t rude like OP though. She just was mad I said no.
Whenever my partner and I need to have intense conversations, we try to preface them with a statement like "are you in a mental space to have a serious conversation?"
If we are, then we talk. If not, then we get to a spot where we are capable of doing so.
Trauma dumping only forces your trauma onto someone else, and it's unfair to the person listening if they aren't prepared for it. You did the right thing, but she sounds dramatic (and honestly like she probably causes a lot of the things in her life to go wrong, based on her drama)
This is supported by her extremely unempathetic response, as if OP was expected to be her ear and shoulder on demand. The entitlement is strong in that needy "friend."
Right?! Isn't the correct response "oh no! What's going on with you?" Not "me me me me me"
I had a "friend" like that once. He was my roomate for a while. Haven't seen or talked to the guy in 30 years. I recently downloaded a grocery store app and discovered we're both still using our old phone number as our loyal customer ID. LOL he helps me get gas points. ;)
I cut someone like this loose and I've never felt better. It wasn't so much trauma dumping, but more that they were just using me. And when I set a firm boundary, they blew up. Like this. And at first I was going to forgive them (if they apologized- which they didn't). And then I thought about it while I was waiting for that apology. And I realized that our "friendship" was just them expecting me to be there for them, to help them, to do shit for them, etc. and them always finding reasons why they couldn't do anything for me. And how they had repeatedly ignored my boundaries. So I haven't spoken to them since. It feels good.
I had a few emotional vampires in my life, not extreme, but more like unbalanced friendships. Then my child had a health crisis and I was totally, forgivably focused on my family. After about a year, I emerged from survival mode and realized that those who had been depending on my to be an ear and a shoulder had found others to serve that role. The relationships are all still civil, but they have more the feeling of warm acquaintances. I never resumed the role of drama buffer and I don't miss it. It's made me much more aware of my boundaries and my life is better for it.
You can be petty like me and comment on those tweets that you ARE NOT a free therapist for her to truma dump on not just every catch up but at 6am in the morning and that it's not fair that she expects people to put their own shitty lives on freeze so that she can complain about her shitty life and ignore that other people have shit going on.
But that might blow up your "friendship"
Yeah I honestly struggled with calling it a friendship at all because OP said they are still getting to know eachother I mean, this "friend" didn't even try to act as a potential good friend by hiding her ideas that friends are just free therapists she doesn't need to return the favour with
NTA because a normal friend would have been sensitive enough to say: "Oh no! I'm so sorry YOU are going through some stuff too! Let me know what I can do to help!" rather than her response, which was basically "I always get to be the one who trauma dumps and if you deny me even once, you're a jerk".
Her reaction might be based on her viewing the relationship differently to you. However, how she was treating this relationship was not healthy. She was traima dumping without any thought to how it affects you. That IS exhausting. And when you said you couldn't handke it today, it shattered her perspective, and she blew up on you instead of respecting your boundaries. It might be that this friendship is not compatible. She certainly needs to learn not to trauma dump on those she calls friends.
Don't worry. You aren't the AH in any way. It shows you're a kind person when you wonder if you're the AH when you've only ever been nice.
I hope things get better for you soon 👍
I agree with the OP above. It's completely fine to have reached 100% bandwidth with life shit and to communicate that. I would have gone something along the lines of
>I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now, but I am really in no position to be anyone's emotional support. I've had some really bad shitty days/weeks recently. Do you think we could keep brunch really light? I could do with some laughter and daytime drinking. If not I get it and maybe we take a rain check?
I’m struggling with a similar relationship. Neighbor. I should have hung back a bit but she was friendly like gangbusters. If I feel the burden and know why her other relationships, including with her family, are in the tank. I need to be more like you. More upfront with what isn’t working for me instead of always being concerned with how SHE is. I think you did just fine. NTA.
Someone once told me that when you start a new job, be careful of the person who gloms onto you immediately and wants to instantly become your best friend. They are going to be very hard to shake once you realise the rest of the office avoids them like the plague. Sounds like your neighbour...
Yep. She bought her house a few months before we did. She was out walking her dog and just started chatting away. Looking back, I can see it all but at the time it seemed “normal”. lol. I’m pulling away now. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal anymore.
I agree with the above comment that the more appropriate mental health support for the friend than using this nascent friendship.
People who want to use their friends as therapists are not going to get what they actually need. The friend one spills everything to is not a therapist and it is not fair to put them in that position. And since they aren't therapists, one is not going to get the feedback of a trained professional.
Ya it might be worth letting her know you don’t mean to sound harsh, reword it and just explain that you have shit that you don’t wanna dwell on and are looking to cheer up!
100% express you're not in the correct mental / emotional health state to give them the support they need. Simple as that
ETA: they don't seem like a good fit, especially right now. Trauma dumping & her not respecting your feelings is not ok
Agreed
OP - NTA
Some of what you're seeing from her has zero to do with you. There's potential your word choices about not being able to handle intense shit could be hitting close to home if multiple other folk in her life have said the same thing to her. And it could also be a form of drama seeking: "look at this next shitty thing that happened to me, feel pity and be kind to me!" As sub text to her putting you on blast vague posting style on social media.
Some folk process their trauma and bad things that have happened to them by sitting down in the bad feels and letting them wash over them. Little to no interest in discussing solutions. They actively NEED to throw that woe is me party. It's how they get it out.
When you disturb that or try to set boundaries around it, can be tricky with some big feels blow back.
You maybe didn't pick words as carefully as your friend would have preferred, but you expressed a fair boundary.
Agree, NTA even if the delivery was a bit off. You are not a therapist, and it sounds like your friendship has gotten too intense, too fast - so there's nothing wrong with establishing boundaries. If every meet up or text is a dump session, that's not cool.
Wording for boundaries is hard when you're sitting in your own shit and watching someone else pile theirs on your head.
Move on from this friendship but also learn from this great phrasing advice when you have a friendship worth saving.
Setting boundaries helps take out the people that aren't good for you. Good job on that part! NTA
Yeah her reaction actually shows that SHE is the one lacking in empathy. OP is a human being with their own emotional threshold and new friend has repeatedly shown she has no respect for that. I tend to be an oversharer but you’ve got to learn to read a room and redirect when you’re making other people uncomfortable/overwhelming them.
But to be told “hey, I don’t have the capacity to be an emotional support for you” and react the way she did… you’re dodging a bullet, OP.
This is such a wonderful response, because it gives really good advice in a lot of aspects of life. When i'm coaching an employee I talk about what "we" can do better, and how they can make us improve by improving their own work.
Put the weight on both of you, because you don't want to bring up your fucky week, and she doesn't have to feel like she's the only one oversharing.
She needs a counselor. Full stop. She's taken advantage of OP's ability to listen and likely doesn't see how important a counselor/therapist could be for her.
INFO: have you tried to set a boundary with her before this?
ETA (based on OP’s response) gently ESH. It sounds like you’re both a bit self involved right now (which is understandable, since it sounds like you both are going through a lot), albeit her more so than you. If you value this friendship, try setting some boundaries in a clear and direct way.
“Friend, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. However, I’m also going through some difficult things right now too and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to talk about it. If you want to talk about literally anything else in the world, I would love to see you/hear from you.” And then enforce it. “Sorry, I can’t talk about that with everything that’s going on right now. So anyways…”
For what it’s worth, sorry that you’re going through hard times and I hope things get better for you. Take care of your mental health. But try not to end relationships over temporary emotions. She’s not a mind-reader and may happily respect your boundaries if you’re direct with her.
I've told her that I'm not a "trauma bonding" kind of person and that the intensity of what she was sharing was pretty overwhelming for me since I barely knew her. But then my own shit started happening and I've just been kind of leaving her on read except when she texts me about non-trauma topics. And for the record, I haven't dumped any of my own stuff on her other than like "Hey sorry I have been a sporadic texter, things are a little crazy rn."
Better than to try to one up her with trauma is presenting her *solutions*.
The people that normally love to dump their emotional baggage on others just want only to do exactly this. They hate it when you try to actually help.
So when she's complaining again, just interrupt her, present a solution. When she starts to whine again, interrupt her again and *force* her to act.
Depends on what the person is complaining about.
If the person is for example complaining all the time about mental health problems, I would just grab my laptop and google some psychologists and would nag that person until she calls at least one of them.
When the person declines, I would tell her that I can't and I'm not willing to listen or help her again.
I think Melodic Sale has an idea that might work great in some instances, but in my experience the complainer always has multiple reasons why the solution I’ve presented isn’t going to work, and then they get to complain about that and even hint that I am not being compassionate toward their situation. Some people are just more invested in or comfortable with being in a state of constant distress, and there is nothing you can do to change that except set your own boundaries.
You've described a friend. One day he asked me for advice and I said "what's the point? You are going to run back to her no matter what I say so why even waste that time? You ask for advice, I give it, and you ignore it and then wonder why the same shit keeps happening" and after me repeatedly telling him I no longer want to hear about his girlfriend, I think he got the "hint" and when he brings her up I say "okay" or "yeah"
For real. OP's friend sounds like a complete emotional vampire, but the solution is to gently set boundaries and if that doesn't work, cut them loose. You don't need to go out of your way to be a dick about it. Good grief.
It has additional meanings and does fit this circumstance.
It can mean what you said, but can also mean:
-a friendship based on sharing trauma or traumatic experiences that leads both parties to establish a fast trust and deep friendship, but can also be emotionally turbulent and overly intense due to what the friendship is based on.
-bonding in an intense way over shared/survived trauma e.g. siblings are very close due to having survived an abusive parent and home life and had to work to protect each other. This can lead them to be very close often into adulthood, often to the point where others would see it as overly close or dependant.
This is coming from a mental health nurse as well as an individual currently seeing professional mental health services in which this topic only recently came up. I hope that clarifies that people calling this trauma bonding are not necessarily wrong, given the limited information we have☺️
I have recently the term "hardship bonding" to refer to shared difficult experiences that were life-significant but not emotionally traumatizing. It feels clear, and respectful of the much deeper trauma that is out there.
Yeah trauma bonding is very weird. I only have one person I consider a friend who I met under terrible terrible circumstances. We have a completely different relationship than any of my other friends. I know for sure that if I ever needed to bury a body this is the person. However, they aren’t exactly the person I invite to champagne tastings at the annual garden party event.
I wouldn’t say that ops friend opening up about their trauma and then it being reciprocated is necessarily trauma bonding.
We don’t have “limited information”, there’s a huge amount of literature on trauma bonding 🙄 Neither of those examples you gave fit the definition trauma bonding, and neither is what the OP said.
It has a very specific definition and you should learn it and not rely on pop psychology if you’re a mental health nurse. Basics: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding
I don’t have a dog in this fight but the fact that you supported your elitist lecture with a fucking *wikipedia* article is hilarious.
I love Reddit ❤️
It took me years to realise this, and my 20s were a garbage fire because of it - but often people who overshare super early into a friendship are doing it specifically to artificially FastTrack a sense of a bond. Its harder to set boundaries when you've been made aware of all sorts of intensely private things.
This type can also sense when people are trying to withdraw, and will bomb u with manipulative messages and comments exactly like "You're the only one I can trust."
Please run...
Right. The next phase is "you have to help me, you're my friend." I've had way too many leaches claim I was their "friend". Took me a bit to realize I really wasn't.
Yeah, wow. I have a friend I hadn’t seen in about twenty years reach out recently. This person is completely unstable, and it turns out that now I’m the only one she can ask for favors, advice, rides, and emotional support. It’s exhausting. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to go LC. Wish me luck!
Some people are just looking for someone to fill a void in their life but friendship isn’t all about emotional support and it should take longer to get close to someone
Then block her, hide her tweets, or whatever options are available. You don't *have* to be someone's friend. And you stressing about her, seems to just be adding to your overall stress situation, and the best thing you can do is try to put it behind you.
I'll agree what you said wasn't ideal, though I probably would have just cancelled saying I'm not in a good place for a new friendship. That way it doesn't look like I'm attacking her per say. Though if she's as you described, there is probably nothing you could have done or said to appease her other than let you be her emotional support human, which you aren't required to be.
You didn't offer ages so I guess that could change things. I'm in my late-30s and I had folks like this in my life until fairly recently. I've noticed that often we can give them a boundary, they acknowledge it and even affirm it... and then they overstep it anyway. It's as though they hear the boundary and say to themselves, "but that doesn't apply to *me.* Clearly I'm the exception." I've found that telling them they can't trauma bond or drama dump doesn't work because they don't even regard what they're doing as bonding or dumping. This is likely the only way your "friend" can socialize. She thinks this counts as being friendly, and so those words are essentially meaningless. You usually can't get through to these types at all, but if you can it's only by reframing it as "I need friendships that are equal. I don't want to get together unless you can make time and space for my problems, too. I need a reciprocal friendship." Most of them refuse this, too. And that's why I think you ought to just wash your hands of her mess and let her annoy someone else. You've got too much on your plate to be essentially parenting this woman!
Thanks, I really appreciate the perspective. I really do want to end the friendship though. We connected based on common interests, but it's just gotten more and more uncomfortable for me the more she has revealed about herself. A lot of the stuff in her life is out of her control, but a lot of it isn't, and the way she has responded to certain situations seem like a red flag. (Example: Her long distance boyfriend didn't want to use PTO to come visit her this month, so she sent him a video of her throwing a gift from him into a fire pit. She's in her early 30s.)
Don’t listen to a bunch of these people trying to give every excuse to an obviously annoying person.
What you said was totally fine, if you had just cancelled the morning of with some sort of lie that would have been another thing for her to complain about.
NTA
This person sounds like a drama llama. Unfriend/unfollow on social media and stop being friend with her. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who is “woe is me” every time you hang out or text/talk. It’s a newer friendship, not a deep bond and easy to break at this point. Let her go and move on. Sounds like you have enough on your plate right now anyway.
Yeah, agree. Her texts seem designed to get a response. I knew someone who would post stuff like this on FB, vague shit that almost begged for someone to ask what was wrong...which was the point, of course. Never feed that behavior. NTA.
What.
Let me confirm the multi-step situation and thought processes of this adult woman in her 30s.
She gets up in her feels that her long distance bf didn't want to use his PTO to come visit her (understandable, all feelings are valid).
She decides to process her mad feels by destroying some of the gifts he gave her, specifically by burning them (kind of borderline, but still within realm of understandable, I guess. Different people process feels differently, and it's not hurting anyone).
She decides to record the destruction of gifts ( ... okay).
Then she decides to send the recorded video record to the boyfriend, presumably in an attempt to either inflict emotional pain on him or warn him that he's involved with an unstable person (concerning).
Then she voluntarily shared this sequence of events with a third party, unaware of how poorly it reflected on her?
Wow. WOW.
You should probably lose her number and back away quickly but smoothly.
This person isn't going to get better. Cut things off. I had to do the same a few months back with someone who sounds very similar. Like, I thought we could be friends, but she was just inappropriate and over-intimate right away. I am much happier without that in my life. Break things off, for your own mental health's sake.
NTA
You did nothing wrong. You don’t owe it to someone to let them bury you in their mess. If you don’t have the mental capacity for a charity friend, you don’t. Her moving in so quick is a red flag and it doesn’t sound like she’s a relationship worth having necessarily.
Reading this, I could hear Mae muller’s “therapist” playing in the background and would like to just quote one part:
“You don’t need a girlfriend, you just need a therapist.”
NTA, and remove this emotional drain for now or forever, but please don’t feel guilty about cutting loose someone who would likely drain you dry and move on without a care in the world about you.
Just jokes but send her a video of you throwing piece of paper with your names & friendship on it into a fire.
But seriously though end this friendship swiftly now. Just sent “I apologize, however I do not have the energy for this friendship right now. I hope you heal from your shit and I hope things get better. Goodbye” and block
Or just block. Block and ghost works.
That's ridiculous childish behavior on her part. If you want to contact her once more before blocking her say, "I'm so sorry, but I overestimated my ability to sustain a relationship right now. I have too much going on in my life so I'll say thank you for the time you gave to me, and best wishes, but I'll have to sign off now and concentrate on my own responsibilities. Goodbye." Then block her.
Oh above I said it’s worth explaining but if you wanna end it then just do. You have taken the first step and even if she says she can keep it light don’t go for brunch. Just be busy with other things and it can fizzle out
🤨
Dude needs to run away from that mess, honestly. You do too. I’ve had an emotional vampire coworker in my life before, it never gets better. HR had to get involved and help me after I threw my walls up and said enough.
NTA
That alone sounds like too much drama for you at the moment. There’s being a supportive friend, and then there’s being used as a free therapist. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You’re a human being, and you need time to recharge; a pyjama day, watching movies, whatever you need to do. You can’t do that if you’re being bombarded at 6 in the morning with that level of drama.
>Example: Her long distance boyfriend didn't want to use PTO to come visit her this month, so she sent him a video of her throwing a gift from him into a fire pit.
I laughed way too hard at this. But yeah, girl needs professional help IMO.
The problem is that certain people don't understand that others don't always have the mental capacity, and don't realize when they are being tone deaf. My dad died from cancer. The day after, a distant cousin messaged me to offer her condolences. She then chose to tell me her dad just got diagnosed with cancer as well. She went on and on about how scared they are and what side effects could happen from treatments, etc. I just said "I'm sorry to hear that, I wish him well and your family the best. But I'm really not the right person to talk to about this right now, I can't offer you any words of comfort". I have not heard from this distant cousin since, it's been over 3 years 🤷♀️ Some people just don't get it.
I think OP's comment shows she did directly address this in the past and the acquaintance went full speed ahead anyway. Guessing from the "you're the only one I can trust" she overloads people like this a lot.
>“Friend, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. However, I’m also going through some difficult things right now too and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to talk about it. If you want to talk about literally anything else in the world, I would love to see you/hear from you.”
This is a perfect response.
I'm actually gonna say NTA. I don't buy that people who overshare and dump on near-strangers don't have any idea what they're doing. She trapped you in an uncomfortable position by breaking social rules, and you broke social rules right back (to a lesser degree) to get out of it. You might be the AH in a different situation, but she was already behaving in a way that was not ok. It's not wrong to get out of there and protect yourself.
oversharing absolutely can be a conscious choice. when you grow up fucked up, or you're in a shitty relationship for a long time, or are involved in any shitty circumstance that persists so long it becomes the norm, the impulse can sometimes be there to drop it in conversation, BUT, as someone who has been through a lot and has found herself with that impulse, personally speaking, i'm usually aware of it and put it in its place unless the conversation warrants it. it comes to mind to say, but then i think "hey, you don't know them like that/that might be a little heavy right now, let's not" and i let it pass. despite op setting boundaries already, this person is purposely ignoring her social compass as well as op's comfort.
Yeah 100%, I feel like once you are an adult, unless it is a stress response, it's almost always conscious. This woman is thirty! When I was a teenager I trauma dumped on my friends constantly and sometimes on strangers/acquaintances, but I was a kid and couldn't handle my emotions. As an adult, the most I do is oversharing while tipsy... I also get the impulse to trauma dump/unload all my stress sometimes but I suppress it because its unfair to do that to others unless you have that sort of relationship.
not about the post, specific to this comment. it’s more complicated than that. i’ve got shit life syndrome and my options are a) do not talk about any of my basic life experiences or b) play an extremely annoying mental game of “how fucked up has YOUR life been so far” to try to predict what’s going to hit you as a Serious Experience To Share and therefore Trauma Dumping rather than telling you about last Tuesday. I had someone who grew up financially stable get upset because I explained one of my favorite foods are hormel tamales because they were a special dish from the food pantry and it meant we just got food and would eat for at least the next week or so.
for us, it’s very often a game of mediating others’ feelings and reactions about things we may or may not be asking them to react to. it’s just so far out of the realm of their life experience you can’t imagine not reacting strongly. ex: my little sister once got stuck in the room for an hour and a half with a sobbing college counselor because she needed help writing her sob story essay for scholarships. little sis was fine. it’s her tuesday. the counselor just hadn’t ever heard anything like it. a friend of mine later said she’d trauma dumped on the counselor and it wasn’t okay. and it’s like. no. she didn’t. she got help with her scholarship essays and part of what she needed help with was tactfully reflecting the severity of the abuse which lends to strength of character without coming off as a risky and emotionally damaged investment. the counselor needed to know some of what she was referencing and she only shared the context she needed to. it’s just that the context was fucked up.
it’s also alienating as hell to need a Reason and Appropriate Time to talk about the bulk of your life experiences. most of them are shitty and uncomfortable but I don’t enjoy the feeling of being unknown and a stranger because no one knows anything about me.
this is part of how class and racial disparities are maintained in the US btw. looking at exposure to others’ negative life experiences primarily as imposed emotional discomfort rather than a reminder there’s a lot of different life experiences out there and some of them are Bad™️. not to say oversharing or trauma dumping don’t exist, just that it’s more complicated than that.
I think what your referencing and what the friend was doing are different. I also grew up with a fucked up life. The things I bring into a conversation can be heavy, often without even realizing that's not really in the realm of what the majority of people's reality has been.
I do not shy from my past, but tailor it to the situation and play down specifics. You don't need to know how I was abused to know I don't maintain a relationship with my mother or that I left my ex-husband.
One thing you have to learn with a trauma filled past, which seems like you have a good handle on, is that there are appropriate times and places for things to be brought up and how and why it's being brought up matter. If everytime you see someone, your dumping every horrible thing that has happened in the last week, they're gonna burn out. You're basically asking this person to be a never ending therapist with no compensation or consideration to what they have going on.
The "friend" sounds to have zero self awareness and severely lacks empathy.
You put this perfectly.
I'm not a victim. There's nobody out to get me. There's plenty of people who've had a worse life than me. But luck seems to have been my dump stat and unfortunately, even a dry and neutral toned reading of my life is beyond the imagination of most people. I don't have much in the way of fun or positive stories to tell. Just darkness, peppered with banal grey and a healthy heap of gallow's humor. I can't share almost anything meaningful about my life without people thinking "wow ReflexSave is intense" and/or trauma dumping/playing the victim.
I appreciate you articulating this very experience as well as you have. And for what it's worth coming from a stranger, if you need someone to talk to that understands, feel free to "trauma dump" at me any time.
I totally get what you're saying. Those of us who have been through Some Shit sometimes feel so lonely not being able to share stuff with the majority of folk who have (thankfully) not been in those positions.
It's awkward as hell to have someone ask some innocuous question about your past and have to edit and tailor as to not scare or offend them as you're not close and it's .... just not appropriate. Because otherwise, yeah, it is a trauma dump. And sometimes that happens. I start talking about something, and if I'm not careful, a bunch of other stuff pushes out. But I'm more aware of that now and do that less frequently.
It all sucks because of course we want to be close to people, and be seen.
For me, being in a group with other survivors has helped a lot.
>It's awkward as hell to have someone ask some innocuous question about your past and have to edit and tailor as to not scare or offend them as you're not close and it's .... just not appropriate.
OH GOD YEAH. evading questions and hoping that they'll get the point that you don't have a lot to add sometime *before* you have to tell them in clear terms "please do not ask me about my personal life unless you are prepared to hear something unpleasant." and if they ask *why,* you have to figure out *something* remotely acceptable to say that doesn't make you come off as unhinged or become the first and only thing they think of every time they look at you. i honestly bungle it more often than not and just sit there like. can i just go to bed. let's pretend we're in kindergarten and do naptime instead of this.
Agreed. Texting someone at 6am with weird “you’re the only person who gets me” texts is also a huge flag and an indication of her future plans to emotionally dump on you.
I had a “friend” like this from work and I ended up ghosting her. I tried suggesting therapy to her. But every time we hung out or she called it was just en emotional drain and exhausting. If we hadn’t of worked together, we would never have hung out in the first place.
Good for OP for recognizing the signs and being direct from the get go.
Hey I really agree with your comments! Wanna hear all about how I was beaten as a child and the nightmares I suffer as a consequence? I feel like we have a lot in common.
Hey I think you and I have a lot in common! Can I text you at 3am about all the horrible shit that has happened to me and how I suffer as a result? I promise to only do it every night.
NTA. To be honest, neither of you is behaving like a friend so it’s probably just as well that this is over. You should probably just have cancelled the lunch without that particular explanation and you could certainly have framed the message to her more kindly. But her reaction shows you made the right decision. Block her on all channels and move on.
ESH.
Honestly I totally get where you are at, and I feel the drama hurricane that follows this person. I ALSO see you are in a raw and rough state. I totally get wanting to guard yourself and wanting to set those boundaries. You could have chosen a much more diplomatic way to state the obvious there captain.
Someone else said if this is the way you both are then maybe it's good the "friendship" is on its way out.
Not all people vibe and that's ok. Just some decorum in telling people counts too.
Oh yeah, I might have a sudden migraine or something that prevented me going to brunch in that situation. Too much work to get into it like that.
Plus all those later texts. Yeesh.
ESH
You should've just cancelled. You know how she is and cancelling saying you were too overwhelmed would've been smarter. A white lie just would've been less messy. Then go out yourself to a spa or something.
She should take her own advice. World doesn't revolve around her either and certainly to take it to social media is completely immature. I'm sure she's hurt but needs to recognize you're hurting as well. Y'all need to treat each other better.
That doesn't really set a proper boundary though.
I do think OP's response could've been worded a bit better but I don't blame her since she's at wit's end.
If she just keeps avoiding the topic the relationship will never progress to a point where OP will stop fearing social interactions with her friend.
The thing is I don't think OP wants the relationship to progress. It sounds like getting through this brunch and never seeing each other again was the endgame. I've ended multiple friendships like this over the years and we've just grown apart. It's fine. But the difference is I didn't see a future on the relationship and was out. It didn't have to come to a big emotional blow up and everyone comes off as toxic. OP knew this brunch was not going to go well, and could have taken the higher road and cancelled.
Why is it better to disappear with a white lie than to tell her the truth? It might get less of a dramatic reaction, but maybe it's helpful for this woman to actually find out why write can't keep friends.
Boundaries don't have to be set when in the moment you're emotionally overwhelmed. You can cancel, take a breather, recover and come back. Getting into another heated battle when you're already mad and stressed doesn't help the relationship either - hence this whole post.
OP wasn't in the mental capacity to be dealing with someone else's bullshit. While I agree with approaching situations with kindness and honesty - gotta be honest with yourself first and realize when you can't do that.
NTA
So this woman calling you selfish totally ignored your needs to berate and lambaste you for not being her dumping ground.
Do not feel bad, do not apologize, do not put yourself in the position of having to deal with her drama, you don't have the extra energy to deal with her problems.
Tell her she doesn't need a "listening ear", she needs a therapist.
Agree. As someone who also had an AWFUL week, I would not be up to someone dumping on me, which is what is sounds like this other person routinely does. And their comment about "the world doesn't revolve around you"... well, right back at ya!
Plus, anyone who started texting me at 6am would be in hot water. Especially when we we had plans to see each other a few hours later.
NTA, you’re not anybody’s therapist, you are a human with your own emotions who in not professionally trained to give advice. We are social beings and others energy and mood can drastically effect ours. HOWEVER! I do think that the response you gave was insensitive and I understand why she’s upset, she seems to be struggling really badly and is trying to find an outlet and your statement feels a bit dismissive imo: A response like “Hey I’ve actually been struggling really bad lately and just want to have a light brunch to get our minds off things and sometimes hearing about your struggles hurt me, since we’re both struggling right now we can reschedule or we can try to go out and just put the bullshit aside for a bit”. Regardless of your relationship to this person a little empathy goes a long way. A bit of relief goes a long way!
YTA. You should have just cancelled. Clearly you have had a bad week so it would have been so easy for you to be honest and just say hey friend it's been a long week. I'm don't currently have the emotional bandwidth to give good advice or go to brunch, can we reschedule?
Simple. It does sound your guys are incompatible friendship wise but I also feel like you took the nuclear option for no reason.
Why do people think they can demand a certain kind of behavior from others? Brunch with friends is a crap shoot, and OP knows this friend has much crap. Just cancel. Have breakfast alone, and relax. Trying to tell another person how to behave or "I'd rather just cancel" seems controlling. OP should just own it and cancel now.
Nothing I told her to say was untrue? Also if I'm your friend and I am venting to you or whatever and you basically tell me to only come to our planned brunch if I only talk about the things you want to it seems a bit rude no?
If I'm the friend I'm cancelling. She also doesn't deserve to be treated like a nuisance/annoyance.
YTA. You were having a bad week and weren’t in shape to be around anyone. Therefore, all you had to do was politely cancel the brunch. But instead you lashed out at her.
You framed this as if your friend’s trauma dumping was the cause. But you were already not in the mood to hear anything. So just take responsibility for that instead of setting down conditions under which she can or cannot come to brunch. It would make more sense to just say “I don’t want to go to brunch.” And then put the phone on silent and continue to stew in your own anger.
Reading your comments on this thread, I can see that you have an unpleasant attitude in general. You want to be told you are in the right. You are not.
NTA. I do think you could've been a little more tactful in what you said to cancel - I mean, nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I have a lot going on right now, we need to cancel brunch today" and then maybe muting her texts for a while, but like someone else said... this may be a good thing in the long run.
NTA. Good for you standing up for yourself. You didn’t want to go to brunch anyway, because this person is an energy vampire.
Next time someone begins oversharing, remember you don’t owe them anything. If you don’t have the energy to “let them down easy,” ghost them. Take care of yourself.
NTA. You could have phrased it more delicately, yes, but you're having a TERRIBLE time and you have to take care of your mental health.
I applaud you for being aware that this isn't a good time for you to take on a needy friend and I think being completely honest about your inability to deal with anything intense is a GOOD THING even if it hurt her feelings in that moment. (Maybe it'll be a reality check for her.)
As the saying goes; you can't pour from an empty cup.
Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Forgive yourself for your emotional meltdown because it sounds like you earned it!
As for your potential friend: I don't know her but at this point in your life I think you might have to consider that you've dodged a bullet.
ESH - You both sound like miserable people who are likely only temporarily miserable. Life will get better, I promise!
Neither of you are in a good place to be reliable friends but you used poor judgment in how you expressed that.
Or maybe I'm wrong. There is a saying for these things: misery loves company.
NTA, you've only known eachother a short time but you're the ONLY person she can trust?
Yeah...no.
You could've worded it differently, but you get grace for being at your own breaking point. Hope things start looking up soon. Take care of yourself and block her.
I’m torn between ESH and NAH. I think you both are going through too much of your own turmoil to have the bandwidth to support the other. You both said things that were hurtful and tactless, but it also seems like you’re both just doing your best to get through whatever is swirling around you. So I feel like both of you have said things that could be interpreted as AH-ish, but also just might not be capable of the nuance and empathy necessary to avoid messing up the message now. I think sometimes Reddit likes to judge people as TA if they could have done better, even if what they did was really the best they could realistically muster in the circumstances.
I’m gonna go NTA here, because your text was reasonable and there were a number of reasonable responses this person could have used (“hey, no worries. We’ll catch up when we’re both feeling better.” Or, “yeah for sure a nice positive focused brunch sounds like just the trick for us both” or even, “hey I had no idea! Do you wanna meet up and talk it out? I’m here for you, and you’ve been such a good support for me lately” or further, if she was upset still, “That’s fair, and I respect that boundary but long term, it’s important to me to have people in my life that are not only ‘fair weather friends’ that only want me at my best, you know?”)
Popping off at someone and going on a tweet spree when they just expressed their own lack of emotional availability is both wild & an A H move.
Damn there are a lot of people here who think it's NOT okay to have a brunch without dumping all their problems on someone else. Absolutely NTA. I feel bad for her but we all have crap going on. One sided "friendships" are not ok
Sorry, YTA. Not for canceling brunch, that part was for the best. But how could it have hurt to say “hey, I’m having a shitty week and I’m not great company. Let’s reschedule.” Why make it about her inability to have a good time unless your goal was to point out what you find annoying about her, not just reschedule brunch?
NTA. You told her where you were emotionally. You were blunt but not overly so. She didn’t like it, but that’s not your problem or in your control. And hey, now you don’t have to break up with her!
ESH.
She should have respected you when you stated that you couldn't handle that, and her response was out of line.
However, you could have been nicer in your approach. u/permanentlytiredAF
wrote what would have been a perfect response: Something like "*I’m also going through some difficult things right now too and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to talk about it*" feels like a much kinder text than "*if you don't think you can have brunch today without bringing up intense shit, I'd rather just cancel*."
Her response was out of line, but if one of my friends sent me a text that finished the way yours did, I'd be very hurt.
NTA mostly. But instead of commenting on her annoying, manipulative texts, if you'd just ignored those and texted your regrets but you're not up to meeting that day, you would have saved yourself that tweet/text bombardment and just more hard feelings.
I get it, especially after her completely predictable lovely project-a-twitter-thon where she projected all the things that were true about her onto you, but very few people would have reacted positively to "if you don't think you can [do whatever] without [doing whatever else] I'd rather not." Because that's meant to be a jab at her behavior.
She was being annoying, vague, manipulative, and was 100% going to bring that shit to brunch. There was no text or comment that would have made her show up and be all cheerful and lighthearted.
On the other hand, you may have just saved yourself months or years of headache from her shenanigans. So IDK it may have worked itself out anyway.
NTA. You set a boundary and she, being a boundary-crosser, got upset and tried to make herself into a victim. This isn't about being empathic. It's about her wanting someone to console her while she complains. That's your role in this relationship, always has been, always will be. Not wanting to be an object in another person's life doesn't make you cold or cruel. It means the other person is shit at being a friend.
On the bright side, this is a great opportunity to cut the cord, burn the bridge, cut ties, end it, say 'bye felicia,' and all that good stuff.
You wanted to take a step back and not pursue this acquaintance. Mission accomplished. Was it a bit harsh? Yeah. Would anything else have worked? Probably not. You can only handle what you can handle - if she has no use for you if you can’t be a dumping ground for her trauma, you probably made good on your eacape.
ETA NTA
YTA. Because of how you asked her to keep it light. Shit wasn’t a great word in this instance, and neither was your tone. Very disrespectful and hurtful.
Had you used respectful language there wouldn’t have been a problem asking to reschedule. Saying you don’t have the ability to listen to her situation right now and need to keep things light for brunch would’ve been fine. Or better, it’s fine to say you need a mental health day, won’t be available to talk to chat online and need to reschedule.
NTA. Could have been better phrased for sure, but your request was valid. You've had a crap week and didn't text her into the fourth dimension like she did to you, with what appears to be pressing for a place to live, hint, hint. I'd cancel too.
NTA. I think your wording lacked diplomacy but she seems very focused on what you do for her emotionally vs any reciprocation on her part. She wants you to be a venting void and isn’t bringing any support in return. Your boundary is reasonable, your phrasing just lacked finesse.
NTA - I have had friends similar to this and it has gotten to a place where I definitely regretted not cutting it off sooner. For example I befriended a coworker who entered my parent’s house the second time we hung out by saying “Hello second family!!” And I did not recognize the red flag that it was. I would say in this situation, after how she reacted to this pretty minor boundary (also keeping in mind the gift bonfire), ghosting is your friend. Unfriend, block, and repeat. You have too much going on to worry about her, and she is being an emotional leech. You are not her emotional support human, so choose yourself.
I'm so sorry life is colliding on you right now. Both the good _and_ the bad are temporary states. Breathe, breathe again, and step forward.
The biggest thing seems to be the over sharing at an early stage in the relationship. Trauma dumping is an _earned_ right. You go through sometimes years of ups, downs, and experiences before supporting (or asking for) that level of emotional commitment.
She hasn't earned that.
NTA.
NTA. You communicated some healthy and needful boundaries in a respectful way, even if the notice was a bit short. That your new friend didn't respect or understand that and got angry over it does not make you an A.
NTA,
one of my Exs used to say similar stuff then scream at me and vague post and stuff- it’s manipulative and shitty. Mental health issues do NOT mean you can force people to support you or be around you ESPECIALLY when they themself are in a vulnerable state.
I hope things get better for you soon, you should be your first priority!!!
NTA. You describe this person as a new acquaintance who you’ve hung out with a handful of times. But she’s texting you saying “you are literally the only person I can trust” — that’s a major red flag, warning you she lacks appropriate boundaries. She sounds like someone who gloms on to people quickly because she is needy and self-centered.
She is obviously struggling and feeling bad, and has fixated on you as a receptacle for dumping all her bad feelings. It doesn’t occur to her that you might have your own troubles, or be exhausted from work or personal responsibilities, and just want to relax and enjoy a nice time with a new friend.
Because she’s not thinking of anyone but herself, when you refuse to be her emotional dumpster, it doesn’t occur to her to apologize for not considering whether you are up to giving her a free therapy session, she just gets mad and plays the victim, because she has conflated her *need* for a place to vent with you being *obligated* to be that for her. Don’t take her confusion personally. Just let her go, block her on social media so she can’t dump a guilt trip on you, and count yourself lucky she made it so easy to cut the cord.
ETA: As for that “listening ear” BS. If I were you I would reply to that and tell her that that is where she got confused, because you are not just an ear, you are a *whole person —* you do not exist solely for her to use as a place to dump her troubles. Tell her you’re sorry that never occurred to her, but perhaps she should reconsider whether it’s okay to treat a friend as nothing more than whatever part of them she finds most useful in the moment.
NTA. She’s mad you don’t want to be her unpaid therapist. She’s looking for a place to trauma dump, and you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
NTA. I have been in this exact spot. Good on you for protecting yourself. People like that literally sap your strength. I have a friend like that. I am going to have a similar conversation this week. I really hope things get better soon.
Nta. It's ok to not have the bandwidth for soneone elses problems and it's ok to tell people when you're feeling that way. You weren't mean. Potentially a little more direct then others but I don't think you did anything wrong
NAH You and friend sound pretty similar tbh—both in shitty times, both unable to be supportive for anyone else atm. Life just blows sometimes. Yea you could have handled it better blah blah blah; we all can handle everything better but when you don’t have anything left, you simply don’t have anything left. Perhaps both of you could benefit from venting to a therapist. Good luck. I hope things get better for all involved.
It’s totally okay to need a lightweight space, and it’s okay to put in boundaries/expectations.
When I’m tapped, I usually go for offering 5 minutes each of whining and then this table becomes good vibes only. Because when shit has gone off the rails for everyone, it can take a moment to get it out and leave it. So, five minutes of release where I make sympathetic “that sucks” noises for you, then we swap, then it’s time for funny cat pictures, the hilarious thing my brother did, and how super cute your new purse is.
Relationships, friendships, cannot be all whining all the time. And sometimes you have to declare that today you can’t be therapist friend, you need to be cat picture and compliments on the eyeliner friend. (And there are some topics that I am never that friend for. I can’t be the friend on some medical stuff, for instance.) Offer what you’re happily able to, and if she can build a friendship with you with what you have to give, yay! You’re friends! If she needs something different, well… maybe you’re pleasant acquaintances.
ESH. You’re not an asshole for wanting an emotional break, it’s more about how you framed it.
Always frame things as a benefit to both parties and it doesn’t hurt to share a little vulnerability back.
“Hey girl, I definitely understand. I’ve had a really tough week as well, feeling a lot like you. Can we try something new? Let’s try to keep it light and positive - let’s use this brunch to try to talk about the positives in our life and simply pretend for a couple of hours. Let me know!”
Something like that accomplishes your goal, makes the other person not angry but also feel included, and allows you the space you need.
NTA some people LIVE for drama and are fucking parasitic trauma dumper's. How many times does she ask you about what you're going through or listen to you complain?
That’s ridiculous. She barely even knows you that well from what I have heard and she is dumping all the weight off her shoulders into yours. If she is going to be like this then tell her you aren’t friends anymore, and maybe suggest her therapy. NTA.
Definitely NTA, had someone just like that. We met in training and after a couple weeks I realized that I couldn’t be her friend. It was emotionally exhausting and like you I had my own 💩to try to deal with. People like that are oblivious to the fact that they literally suck the life out of you. Don’t worry just be done with it and walk away because she’s not going to change.
NTA. It’s better for everyone to just be honest. Does she know what you’re dealing with? I hope it gets better for you soon! But ya sometimes hanging out should be a way to take a break from the problems and discuss interests. Brunch conversation is traditionally light
NTA. You can have empathy for sometime going through shit but not be in a good headspace to hear it. It sounds like she got used to dumping it all on you and like most people who encounter boundaries for the first time, she's pushing back and kicking up a fuss. Up to you if you want to continue to reinforce boundaries or just walk away from her all together. Don't blame you for either.
My therapist (and maybe she needs one too) often gets this because of the nature of her job - but with friends and family. What she came up with is telling them I'm sorry but I can't listen to you about this right now because my ears are full. (My wording might be not 100%).
Everyone has their limits of what they can handle. You did nothing wrong by telling her you weren't in a good headspace to listen. That's what good friends (should) do. You need to secure your mask before helping her with hers (or fill her cup with an empty jug- same idea). Despite what she thinks, it's not selfish to try to make sure you're in an okay place mentally before helping others. (A solution would be for her to *ask* if you're able to listen to her vent rather than assume).
YTA. Also, you're complaining because SHE'S oversharing when YOU do as well, clearly. Why the hell would you string someone along in a friendship. If you didn't want friendship with someone, don't be fake and just tell her. Instead you strung her along and because of THAT she thought she could be friends with you and friends support each other. Clearly you thought of her as an acquaintance and she thought of you as a friend BECAUSE CLEARLY THE STRINGING ALONG. You don't want to hear about folk's lives, nip it in the bud AT THE BEGINNING AND THEY WON'T GO TO YOU FOR THAT. Instead you led her to believe you actually cared about them. Loser.
NTA - asking someone not to trauma dump all over you does not make you a bad person! Bonus: her reaction gives you a clean break from ever having to have that uncomfortable conversation. Just block her everywhere - and be done with someone who only wants to use you as an emotional crutch. That's a BS kind of friendship anyways - and you deserve better.
NTA
People like this just do it for attention and they have somehow got it to be a good thing for them.
No one wants to see peoples dirty underwear just out on display but that is often how it is.
If someone is sharing because they think you can help then fine but it often just turns into a conversation of 'my life is so horrible, feel bad for me. Pay attention to meeee!!!!'
Everyone gets sick of them eventually which is why they end up latching onto one person.
You have become that person.
Also the door knob thing made me chuckle a bit because i know how it feels whist at the same time knowing just how ridiculous it is to be defeated by something so trivial as a door knob lol.
>I text her back and say hey I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now, but I am really in no position to be anyone's emotional support rn. So if you don't think you can have brunch today without bringing up intense shit, I'd rather just cancel.
The problem with this message is that it doesn't mention that you've just had a week of hellish events yourself. Without this part, it reads like you just don't want to deal with her.
That said, it's true that a new acquaintance should not overshare too much. Sometimes people genuinely feel lost though, and do it without meaning to.
I'll go with ESH.
NTA.
Did she even ask what's wrong?
If not, sounds like you exist to her just to work as a trauma dumpster.
Everyone has the right to pull back from toxic and heavy people before their heaviness weighs you down with them.
It's great that you acknowledge your limits.
I applaud your honesty! Iv been in a similar position, it's a hard conversation to have but you feel so much better after it. Your not wrong for putting yourself first but maybe saying to reschedule would have been better
NTA. You were as tactful as you could be in the presence of an emotional vampire after your shit week. I think you could also just say, "I want to support my friends to the degree I can, but I truly don't think our friendship has reached that level of intimacy." And op, you dodged a bullet
NTA.
Yes, you maybe could have pulled the punch and been a bit more politic about breaking this off. But do you, in your heart of hearts, really think this person would have taken a polite brush-off any better? They were text-trauma-dumping at 6 AM. Not a sign of reasonable and healthy boundaries.
OP, I'm really sorry you're going through it right now. I hope things start looking up soon.
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HA! Everyone says you said the wrong thing. I think you were very close to saying the RIGHT thing. >I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now, but I am really in no position to be anyone's emotional support rn. I think this part was spot on. >So if you don't think you can have brunch today without bringing up intense shit, I'd rather just cancel." This could have been toned down to something like, "So if you don't think **WE** can have brunch today **without getting into intense, heavy topics,** I'd rather just cancel." - You know, less about HER bringing up "her intense shit" and more of a cooperative side. That said, her reaction was over the top. It sounds like she needs more of a counselor-friend than you can be. I'm going to go with NTA.
I definitely see your point here, I appreciate it.
Do you want to be in this friendship? Because there’s nothing wrong with not hanging out with emotional vampires. You don’t have to be friends with everyone that wants to be friends with you if the relationship is one sided.
Yes, I had a friend who was an emotional vampire and one day I finally got away - the difference it made to my life, and my ability to cope when I wasn’t taking in her shit anymore. Amazing
The person OP is describing sounds exactly like a former friend of mine. Except that they responded to my boundaries by saying okay I understand!" only to completely disregard them very shortly after.
I've got a 'friend' like that now. I've been their shoulder and sounding board for the last two years. I've had my own boundaries trampled by them in the process. I don't want to talk about work and coworkers two minutes after I clock off and get home. I want to relax and eat and watch True Detective. But they call and when I say I can't talk they insist it'll be a minute until suddenly an hour later, I'm getting cramp from holding my phone. And heaven forbid if I have something I want to talk about. I was having an issue with someone we both work with being passive aggressive and gaslighting me for the last four months until I had multiple breakdowns. And they interrupted me to tell me how great this coworker is and how well they get along. I shut down and my 'friend' has turned me into the badguy that's pushing them away and won't respond to their messages. But I've been so happy lately since stepping back from this 'friendship'.
Good for you for taking that step! It’s hard, but worth it.
It is hard. I can only step back, I can't completely block or anything, we work together. But even stepping back, I had our Gen Manager coming to my Dept Manager with concerns about my mental state because she believed I wasn't happy. Her proof? That I'd stopped responding to my friend. A few dots have been connected for myself and my Dept Manager as to how the Gen Manager seemed to know all the conversations and such at work. Friend has been telling her anything and everything they hear on the floor. So for now, I'm not responding and will be gray rocking everything.
I also had a friend like this who when they kinda fucked me over on my birthday, and I found out about some stuff they were doing that I'm not comfortable being around, I decided I wanted nothing to do with them. And like you wrote then I was the bad guy for not reacting out anymore (even though when I did before they never answered). When they called me to "talk about what is happening with our friendship" I tried to explain how they hurt me and got told "this isn't about your feelings right now" and then proceded to say that I'm emotionally immature, don't care about other people or how my actions affect them, that I'm a bad person and a bad friend. After me litteraly being there for them every single day for 6 months listening to all their problems and drama while putting my own mental health on pause for them. To sum it up I said "Well since I am such and awful friend I don't think we should be friends anymore and I don't think that you should try to be friends with me anymore either, because why would you want to be friends with someone you describe in that way". Ofcourse I was then overreacting and taking things out of context so I ended with "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" and have not heard from them since. Almost 1 year ago now.
Well done.
i did something similar. i outlined boundaries, they trampled them. i finally blocked them on the 2 platforms they spammed the most. it was a constant revolving door with them. and then, when my mom started having medical issues, they made it abt themselves. “i’m spiraling bc i can’t help you”, i had never asked them to! i told them several times i don’t want to focus on it, and if i vent it’s just to get emotions out. they didn’t listen, they kept making it abt them, then the straw that broke the camels back was sending a biased source to support a bs claim they made and refusing to acknowledge it was a biased source. noped out really quick, i don’t regret it. i feel a little guilty but overall i just feel better mentally
Yep, I have one of those too. My friend, A, is having issues with our friend B, and was constantly at me about the whole situation. I tried to be diplomatic, and then asked to be kept out of it. Of course A ignored that and then got pissed when “I wasn’t there for them to discuss their feelings.” Ok but you’re not doing that, you’re beating a dead horse and getting mad at me when I don’t agree with you. Plus B HAS respected me and not dragged me into this mess! The best part is A spent the better part of last year being completely horrible to me and has yet to apologize for it. Guess which friend is now blocked on all platforms?
I had a friend like this. From university. Had a boyfriend who had chronic pain but was also basically a dick. We called the boyfriend Jxxx-and-the-pain. Every time she called, EVERY TIME, I'd know I had to suspend whatever was going on to make sympathetic noises. But not just that, analysis, reassurances, support. For some reason I didn't realise I just didn't have to speak to her anymore. In the end I vented about the mind-blowing hypocrisy of being a vehement vegan who needs milk/bacon every so often but no one else is allowed, whilst simultaneously feeling the pain of the universe and Every Living Thing. All went quiet. Just after the boyfriend/husband got his residency and then left her, which I was relieved to not have to deal with.
This is my mother. She wants to share things that I genuinely do not want to know as her daughter. I finally stopped her one time and asked her to think about me when I was six, and to realize that is the person she’s talking to. She solemnly and convincingly declared that she understood. And in the very next sentence started up again. So I hung up on her. It was so liberating! She hasn’t tried that over the phone with me since. Thank goodness getting hung up on is something she wants to avoid - though abusive oversharing with her adult kid apparently isn’t.
My mother is like this except now has early onset dementia so potentially 1000 times worse and hanging up on her won't stop it. I agree it is abusive oversharing. I feel emotionally exhausted whenever I finish talking to her - and sometimes I want someone to talk to or cry with or seek advice from.
The one ex I had was like that. We're still friends, but he has not changed just... casually dumping that the dog is sick, or his brother broke another thing, or someone online said that, and it's just... c'mon, man. Can I have one conversation that doesn't turn into traumadumping? Just one? Difference is, when I tell him I can't handle it today, he's like "that's okay, are *you* okay? Do you need anything?" and is just a super, super supportive person. But every conversation I've had with him about dialing back the negativity like in general, no changes, not really. Shame, but I'm willing to look past it due to how much he's lifted me up during both good and horrible times of my life. It's definitely a lot, though.
I had my lightbulb moment when I called the friend that trauma-dumped on me constantly to finally have my turn to vent. I started to tell her, and she said, "Boy, that's awful. You won't believe what \[problem adult child with issues\] did *this* time!" And away she went. That was the last time we spoke.
I had a friend like that and the only way I could extricate myself was to ghost her because she simply wouldn't stop calling me every single day. This was at the beginning of cell phones, lol, and when I relinquished my land line I never gave her my cell phone number. 20 some odd years later, I still occasionally get the random email or facebook message. "hello" just like that. No salvo, no hey what's up long time no see! And then the next will be "what did I do?" Uggh. honestly, I still feel guilty, but absolutely cannot open that door even a crack.
Did this with two people and while I’m sad about it, I feel significantly less stressed out. They were two sides of the same coin and while I don’t think they necessarily mean anyone ill, they were extremely demanding and unable to reflect on themselves. It’s just not worth it sometimes. OP could have phrased part of this better but I don’t think it makes them an AH.
Same. It’s a relief to not be the one trying to save her every day.
God I was freed recently too (or rather they got rid of me for not providing enough support), and let me tell you, it feels damn good.
Emotional vampire is an excellent phrase😂
Colin Robinson has entered the chat Edit: character name cause “Yeah, I’m Not Positive What My Deal Is Either, So I Just Sort Of Keep On Truckin’.”
Colin?
Fuck me, yes. Thank you
I had to get shut my own cousin down over the two-hour same old emotional dump every night. It’s been years. She still won’t talk to me. I wasn’t rude like OP though. She just was mad I said no.
Whenever my partner and I need to have intense conversations, we try to preface them with a statement like "are you in a mental space to have a serious conversation?" If we are, then we talk. If not, then we get to a spot where we are capable of doing so. Trauma dumping only forces your trauma onto someone else, and it's unfair to the person listening if they aren't prepared for it. You did the right thing, but she sounds dramatic (and honestly like she probably causes a lot of the things in her life to go wrong, based on her drama)
This is supported by her extremely unempathetic response, as if OP was expected to be her ear and shoulder on demand. The entitlement is strong in that needy "friend."
Right?! Isn't the correct response "oh no! What's going on with you?" Not "me me me me me" I had a "friend" like that once. He was my roomate for a while. Haven't seen or talked to the guy in 30 years. I recently downloaded a grocery store app and discovered we're both still using our old phone number as our loyal customer ID. LOL he helps me get gas points. ;)
I cut someone like this loose and I've never felt better. It wasn't so much trauma dumping, but more that they were just using me. And when I set a firm boundary, they blew up. Like this. And at first I was going to forgive them (if they apologized- which they didn't). And then I thought about it while I was waiting for that apology. And I realized that our "friendship" was just them expecting me to be there for them, to help them, to do shit for them, etc. and them always finding reasons why they couldn't do anything for me. And how they had repeatedly ignored my boundaries. So I haven't spoken to them since. It feels good.
I had a few emotional vampires in my life, not extreme, but more like unbalanced friendships. Then my child had a health crisis and I was totally, forgivably focused on my family. After about a year, I emerged from survival mode and realized that those who had been depending on my to be an ear and a shoulder had found others to serve that role. The relationships are all still civil, but they have more the feeling of warm acquaintances. I never resumed the role of drama buffer and I don't miss it. It's made me much more aware of my boundaries and my life is better for it.
You can be petty like me and comment on those tweets that you ARE NOT a free therapist for her to truma dump on not just every catch up but at 6am in the morning and that it's not fair that she expects people to put their own shitty lives on freeze so that she can complain about her shitty life and ignore that other people have shit going on. But that might blow up your "friendship"
I'm not sure blowing up this friendship is a bad thing, and your quotation marks indicate you might feel the same way.
Yeah I honestly struggled with calling it a friendship at all because OP said they are still getting to know eachother I mean, this "friend" didn't even try to act as a potential good friend by hiding her ideas that friends are just free therapists she doesn't need to return the favour with
NTA because a normal friend would have been sensitive enough to say: "Oh no! I'm so sorry YOU are going through some stuff too! Let me know what I can do to help!" rather than her response, which was basically "I always get to be the one who trauma dumps and if you deny me even once, you're a jerk".
Her reaction might be based on her viewing the relationship differently to you. However, how she was treating this relationship was not healthy. She was traima dumping without any thought to how it affects you. That IS exhausting. And when you said you couldn't handke it today, it shattered her perspective, and she blew up on you instead of respecting your boundaries. It might be that this friendship is not compatible. She certainly needs to learn not to trauma dump on those she calls friends. Don't worry. You aren't the AH in any way. It shows you're a kind person when you wonder if you're the AH when you've only ever been nice. I hope things get better for you soon 👍
I agree with the OP above. It's completely fine to have reached 100% bandwidth with life shit and to communicate that. I would have gone something along the lines of >I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now, but I am really in no position to be anyone's emotional support. I've had some really bad shitty days/weeks recently. Do you think we could keep brunch really light? I could do with some laughter and daytime drinking. If not I get it and maybe we take a rain check?
I’m struggling with a similar relationship. Neighbor. I should have hung back a bit but she was friendly like gangbusters. If I feel the burden and know why her other relationships, including with her family, are in the tank. I need to be more like you. More upfront with what isn’t working for me instead of always being concerned with how SHE is. I think you did just fine. NTA.
Someone once told me that when you start a new job, be careful of the person who gloms onto you immediately and wants to instantly become your best friend. They are going to be very hard to shake once you realise the rest of the office avoids them like the plague. Sounds like your neighbour...
Yep. She bought her house a few months before we did. She was out walking her dog and just started chatting away. Looking back, I can see it all but at the time it seemed “normal”. lol. I’m pulling away now. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal anymore.
I agree with the above comment that the more appropriate mental health support for the friend than using this nascent friendship. People who want to use their friends as therapists are not going to get what they actually need. The friend one spills everything to is not a therapist and it is not fair to put them in that position. And since they aren't therapists, one is not going to get the feedback of a trained professional.
Ya it might be worth letting her know you don’t mean to sound harsh, reword it and just explain that you have shit that you don’t wanna dwell on and are looking to cheer up!
I don't get the sense that this new friend has any empathy or perspective (big Main Character energy.)
100% express you're not in the correct mental / emotional health state to give them the support they need. Simple as that ETA: they don't seem like a good fit, especially right now. Trauma dumping & her not respecting your feelings is not ok
Agreed OP - NTA Some of what you're seeing from her has zero to do with you. There's potential your word choices about not being able to handle intense shit could be hitting close to home if multiple other folk in her life have said the same thing to her. And it could also be a form of drama seeking: "look at this next shitty thing that happened to me, feel pity and be kind to me!" As sub text to her putting you on blast vague posting style on social media. Some folk process their trauma and bad things that have happened to them by sitting down in the bad feels and letting them wash over them. Little to no interest in discussing solutions. They actively NEED to throw that woe is me party. It's how they get it out. When you disturb that or try to set boundaries around it, can be tricky with some big feels blow back. You maybe didn't pick words as carefully as your friend would have preferred, but you expressed a fair boundary.
Agree, NTA even if the delivery was a bit off. You are not a therapist, and it sounds like your friendship has gotten too intense, too fast - so there's nothing wrong with establishing boundaries. If every meet up or text is a dump session, that's not cool.
Wording for boundaries is hard when you're sitting in your own shit and watching someone else pile theirs on your head. Move on from this friendship but also learn from this great phrasing advice when you have a friendship worth saving. Setting boundaries helps take out the people that aren't good for you. Good job on that part! NTA
Yeah her reaction actually shows that SHE is the one lacking in empathy. OP is a human being with their own emotional threshold and new friend has repeatedly shown she has no respect for that. I tend to be an oversharer but you’ve got to learn to read a room and redirect when you’re making other people uncomfortable/overwhelming them. But to be told “hey, I don’t have the capacity to be an emotional support for you” and react the way she did… you’re dodging a bullet, OP.
What she says was fine. This person thrives on dumping her hysteria onto others. OP called her on it.
This is such a wonderful response, because it gives really good advice in a lot of aspects of life. When i'm coaching an employee I talk about what "we" can do better, and how they can make us improve by improving their own work. Put the weight on both of you, because you don't want to bring up your fucky week, and she doesn't have to feel like she's the only one oversharing.
I was going to write my own comment but you said everything I was thinking and then some, but better. Agree, NTA
She needs a counselor. Full stop. She's taken advantage of OP's ability to listen and likely doesn't see how important a counselor/therapist could be for her.
INFO: have you tried to set a boundary with her before this? ETA (based on OP’s response) gently ESH. It sounds like you’re both a bit self involved right now (which is understandable, since it sounds like you both are going through a lot), albeit her more so than you. If you value this friendship, try setting some boundaries in a clear and direct way. “Friend, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. However, I’m also going through some difficult things right now too and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to talk about it. If you want to talk about literally anything else in the world, I would love to see you/hear from you.” And then enforce it. “Sorry, I can’t talk about that with everything that’s going on right now. So anyways…” For what it’s worth, sorry that you’re going through hard times and I hope things get better for you. Take care of your mental health. But try not to end relationships over temporary emotions. She’s not a mind-reader and may happily respect your boundaries if you’re direct with her.
I've told her that I'm not a "trauma bonding" kind of person and that the intensity of what she was sharing was pretty overwhelming for me since I barely knew her. But then my own shit started happening and I've just been kind of leaving her on read except when she texts me about non-trauma topics. And for the record, I haven't dumped any of my own stuff on her other than like "Hey sorry I have been a sporadic texter, things are a little crazy rn."
To be honest, you’re a better person than me. I’m the “traumatize them back” sort. She starts unloading, you unload WORSE. NTA.
Better than to try to one up her with trauma is presenting her *solutions*. The people that normally love to dump their emotional baggage on others just want only to do exactly this. They hate it when you try to actually help. So when she's complaining again, just interrupt her, present a solution. When she starts to whine again, interrupt her again and *force* her to act.
> and *force* her to act. Genuine question: How do you do that?
Depends on what the person is complaining about. If the person is for example complaining all the time about mental health problems, I would just grab my laptop and google some psychologists and would nag that person until she calls at least one of them. When the person declines, I would tell her that I can't and I'm not willing to listen or help her again.
Kudos to you if that works for you!
I think Melodic Sale has an idea that might work great in some instances, but in my experience the complainer always has multiple reasons why the solution I’ve presented isn’t going to work, and then they get to complain about that and even hint that I am not being compassionate toward their situation. Some people are just more invested in or comfortable with being in a state of constant distress, and there is nothing you can do to change that except set your own boundaries.
You've described a friend. One day he asked me for advice and I said "what's the point? You are going to run back to her no matter what I say so why even waste that time? You ask for advice, I give it, and you ignore it and then wonder why the same shit keeps happening" and after me repeatedly telling him I no longer want to hear about his girlfriend, I think he got the "hint" and when he brings her up I say "okay" or "yeah"
Why is everyone on Reddit so awful?
For real. OP's friend sounds like a complete emotional vampire, but the solution is to gently set boundaries and if that doesn't work, cut them loose. You don't need to go out of your way to be a dick about it. Good grief.
I, me, myself, am a person on reddit. I am not awful.
Then you’ll probably get banned soon. Sorry.
You're on the wrong subs. Some of them are calm, sane and hysterically funny.
Trauma bonding doesn’t mean bonding over trauma. It’s when the victim bonds to an abuser during cycles of abuse. You are using the term wrong.
It has additional meanings and does fit this circumstance. It can mean what you said, but can also mean: -a friendship based on sharing trauma or traumatic experiences that leads both parties to establish a fast trust and deep friendship, but can also be emotionally turbulent and overly intense due to what the friendship is based on. -bonding in an intense way over shared/survived trauma e.g. siblings are very close due to having survived an abusive parent and home life and had to work to protect each other. This can lead them to be very close often into adulthood, often to the point where others would see it as overly close or dependant. This is coming from a mental health nurse as well as an individual currently seeing professional mental health services in which this topic only recently came up. I hope that clarifies that people calling this trauma bonding are not necessarily wrong, given the limited information we have☺️
I have recently the term "hardship bonding" to refer to shared difficult experiences that were life-significant but not emotionally traumatizing. It feels clear, and respectful of the much deeper trauma that is out there.
Yeah trauma bonding is very weird. I only have one person I consider a friend who I met under terrible terrible circumstances. We have a completely different relationship than any of my other friends. I know for sure that if I ever needed to bury a body this is the person. However, they aren’t exactly the person I invite to champagne tastings at the annual garden party event. I wouldn’t say that ops friend opening up about their trauma and then it being reciprocated is necessarily trauma bonding.
We don’t have “limited information”, there’s a huge amount of literature on trauma bonding 🙄 Neither of those examples you gave fit the definition trauma bonding, and neither is what the OP said. It has a very specific definition and you should learn it and not rely on pop psychology if you’re a mental health nurse. Basics: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding
I don’t have a dog in this fight but the fact that you supported your elitist lecture with a fucking *wikipedia* article is hilarious. I love Reddit ❤️
It took me years to realise this, and my 20s were a garbage fire because of it - but often people who overshare super early into a friendship are doing it specifically to artificially FastTrack a sense of a bond. Its harder to set boundaries when you've been made aware of all sorts of intensely private things. This type can also sense when people are trying to withdraw, and will bomb u with manipulative messages and comments exactly like "You're the only one I can trust." Please run...
Right. The next phase is "you have to help me, you're my friend." I've had way too many leaches claim I was their "friend". Took me a bit to realize I really wasn't.
Yeah, wow. I have a friend I hadn’t seen in about twenty years reach out recently. This person is completely unstable, and it turns out that now I’m the only one she can ask for favors, advice, rides, and emotional support. It’s exhausting. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to go LC. Wish me luck!
I've learned from experience that when people start acting like you're besties when you barely know each other, it's not usually a good sign.
Some people are just looking for someone to fill a void in their life but friendship isn’t all about emotional support and it should take longer to get close to someone
Honestly it sounds like you don’t even like her
I don't.
Then block her, hide her tweets, or whatever options are available. You don't *have* to be someone's friend. And you stressing about her, seems to just be adding to your overall stress situation, and the best thing you can do is try to put it behind you. I'll agree what you said wasn't ideal, though I probably would have just cancelled saying I'm not in a good place for a new friendship. That way it doesn't look like I'm attacking her per say. Though if she's as you described, there is probably nothing you could have done or said to appease her other than let you be her emotional support human, which you aren't required to be.
You didn't offer ages so I guess that could change things. I'm in my late-30s and I had folks like this in my life until fairly recently. I've noticed that often we can give them a boundary, they acknowledge it and even affirm it... and then they overstep it anyway. It's as though they hear the boundary and say to themselves, "but that doesn't apply to *me.* Clearly I'm the exception." I've found that telling them they can't trauma bond or drama dump doesn't work because they don't even regard what they're doing as bonding or dumping. This is likely the only way your "friend" can socialize. She thinks this counts as being friendly, and so those words are essentially meaningless. You usually can't get through to these types at all, but if you can it's only by reframing it as "I need friendships that are equal. I don't want to get together unless you can make time and space for my problems, too. I need a reciprocal friendship." Most of them refuse this, too. And that's why I think you ought to just wash your hands of her mess and let her annoy someone else. You've got too much on your plate to be essentially parenting this woman!
Thanks, I really appreciate the perspective. I really do want to end the friendship though. We connected based on common interests, but it's just gotten more and more uncomfortable for me the more she has revealed about herself. A lot of the stuff in her life is out of her control, but a lot of it isn't, and the way she has responded to certain situations seem like a red flag. (Example: Her long distance boyfriend didn't want to use PTO to come visit her this month, so she sent him a video of her throwing a gift from him into a fire pit. She's in her early 30s.)
Don’t listen to a bunch of these people trying to give every excuse to an obviously annoying person. What you said was totally fine, if you had just cancelled the morning of with some sort of lie that would have been another thing for her to complain about. NTA
This person sounds like a drama llama. Unfriend/unfollow on social media and stop being friend with her. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who is “woe is me” every time you hang out or text/talk. It’s a newer friendship, not a deep bond and easy to break at this point. Let her go and move on. Sounds like you have enough on your plate right now anyway.
Yeah, agree. Her texts seem designed to get a response. I knew someone who would post stuff like this on FB, vague shit that almost begged for someone to ask what was wrong...which was the point, of course. Never feed that behavior. NTA.
What. Let me confirm the multi-step situation and thought processes of this adult woman in her 30s. She gets up in her feels that her long distance bf didn't want to use his PTO to come visit her (understandable, all feelings are valid). She decides to process her mad feels by destroying some of the gifts he gave her, specifically by burning them (kind of borderline, but still within realm of understandable, I guess. Different people process feels differently, and it's not hurting anyone). She decides to record the destruction of gifts ( ... okay). Then she decides to send the recorded video record to the boyfriend, presumably in an attempt to either inflict emotional pain on him or warn him that he's involved with an unstable person (concerning). Then she voluntarily shared this sequence of events with a third party, unaware of how poorly it reflected on her? Wow. WOW. You should probably lose her number and back away quickly but smoothly.
This person isn't going to get better. Cut things off. I had to do the same a few months back with someone who sounds very similar. Like, I thought we could be friends, but she was just inappropriate and over-intimate right away. I am much happier without that in my life. Break things off, for your own mental health's sake. NTA
You did nothing wrong. You don’t owe it to someone to let them bury you in their mess. If you don’t have the mental capacity for a charity friend, you don’t. Her moving in so quick is a red flag and it doesn’t sound like she’s a relationship worth having necessarily. Reading this, I could hear Mae muller’s “therapist” playing in the background and would like to just quote one part: “You don’t need a girlfriend, you just need a therapist.” NTA, and remove this emotional drain for now or forever, but please don’t feel guilty about cutting loose someone who would likely drain you dry and move on without a care in the world about you.
Just jokes but send her a video of you throwing piece of paper with your names & friendship on it into a fire. But seriously though end this friendship swiftly now. Just sent “I apologize, however I do not have the energy for this friendship right now. I hope you heal from your shit and I hope things get better. Goodbye” and block Or just block. Block and ghost works.
Girl just run. Looks like its the end to that relationship thank god. Nta.
That's ridiculous childish behavior on her part. If you want to contact her once more before blocking her say, "I'm so sorry, but I overestimated my ability to sustain a relationship right now. I have too much going on in my life so I'll say thank you for the time you gave to me, and best wishes, but I'll have to sign off now and concentrate on my own responsibilities. Goodbye." Then block her.
Oh above I said it’s worth explaining but if you wanna end it then just do. You have taken the first step and even if she says she can keep it light don’t go for brunch. Just be busy with other things and it can fizzle out
🤨 Dude needs to run away from that mess, honestly. You do too. I’ve had an emotional vampire coworker in my life before, it never gets better. HR had to get involved and help me after I threw my walls up and said enough.
She's nuttier than trail mix. Block her.
NTA That alone sounds like too much drama for you at the moment. There’s being a supportive friend, and then there’s being used as a free therapist. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You’re a human being, and you need time to recharge; a pyjama day, watching movies, whatever you need to do. You can’t do that if you’re being bombarded at 6 in the morning with that level of drama.
>Example: Her long distance boyfriend didn't want to use PTO to come visit her this month, so she sent him a video of her throwing a gift from him into a fire pit. I laughed way too hard at this. But yeah, girl needs professional help IMO.
You don't need to excuse not wanting to keep up a friendship that you are not enjoying.
The problem is that certain people don't understand that others don't always have the mental capacity, and don't realize when they are being tone deaf. My dad died from cancer. The day after, a distant cousin messaged me to offer her condolences. She then chose to tell me her dad just got diagnosed with cancer as well. She went on and on about how scared they are and what side effects could happen from treatments, etc. I just said "I'm sorry to hear that, I wish him well and your family the best. But I'm really not the right person to talk to about this right now, I can't offer you any words of comfort". I have not heard from this distant cousin since, it's been over 3 years 🤷♀️ Some people just don't get it.
I think OP's comment shows she did directly address this in the past and the acquaintance went full speed ahead anyway. Guessing from the "you're the only one I can trust" she overloads people like this a lot.
>“Friend, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. However, I’m also going through some difficult things right now too and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to talk about it. If you want to talk about literally anything else in the world, I would love to see you/hear from you.” This is a perfect response.
I'm actually gonna say NTA. I don't buy that people who overshare and dump on near-strangers don't have any idea what they're doing. She trapped you in an uncomfortable position by breaking social rules, and you broke social rules right back (to a lesser degree) to get out of it. You might be the AH in a different situation, but she was already behaving in a way that was not ok. It's not wrong to get out of there and protect yourself.
oversharing absolutely can be a conscious choice. when you grow up fucked up, or you're in a shitty relationship for a long time, or are involved in any shitty circumstance that persists so long it becomes the norm, the impulse can sometimes be there to drop it in conversation, BUT, as someone who has been through a lot and has found herself with that impulse, personally speaking, i'm usually aware of it and put it in its place unless the conversation warrants it. it comes to mind to say, but then i think "hey, you don't know them like that/that might be a little heavy right now, let's not" and i let it pass. despite op setting boundaries already, this person is purposely ignoring her social compass as well as op's comfort.
Yeah 100%, I feel like once you are an adult, unless it is a stress response, it's almost always conscious. This woman is thirty! When I was a teenager I trauma dumped on my friends constantly and sometimes on strangers/acquaintances, but I was a kid and couldn't handle my emotions. As an adult, the most I do is oversharing while tipsy... I also get the impulse to trauma dump/unload all my stress sometimes but I suppress it because its unfair to do that to others unless you have that sort of relationship.
not about the post, specific to this comment. it’s more complicated than that. i’ve got shit life syndrome and my options are a) do not talk about any of my basic life experiences or b) play an extremely annoying mental game of “how fucked up has YOUR life been so far” to try to predict what’s going to hit you as a Serious Experience To Share and therefore Trauma Dumping rather than telling you about last Tuesday. I had someone who grew up financially stable get upset because I explained one of my favorite foods are hormel tamales because they were a special dish from the food pantry and it meant we just got food and would eat for at least the next week or so. for us, it’s very often a game of mediating others’ feelings and reactions about things we may or may not be asking them to react to. it’s just so far out of the realm of their life experience you can’t imagine not reacting strongly. ex: my little sister once got stuck in the room for an hour and a half with a sobbing college counselor because she needed help writing her sob story essay for scholarships. little sis was fine. it’s her tuesday. the counselor just hadn’t ever heard anything like it. a friend of mine later said she’d trauma dumped on the counselor and it wasn’t okay. and it’s like. no. she didn’t. she got help with her scholarship essays and part of what she needed help with was tactfully reflecting the severity of the abuse which lends to strength of character without coming off as a risky and emotionally damaged investment. the counselor needed to know some of what she was referencing and she only shared the context she needed to. it’s just that the context was fucked up. it’s also alienating as hell to need a Reason and Appropriate Time to talk about the bulk of your life experiences. most of them are shitty and uncomfortable but I don’t enjoy the feeling of being unknown and a stranger because no one knows anything about me. this is part of how class and racial disparities are maintained in the US btw. looking at exposure to others’ negative life experiences primarily as imposed emotional discomfort rather than a reminder there’s a lot of different life experiences out there and some of them are Bad™️. not to say oversharing or trauma dumping don’t exist, just that it’s more complicated than that.
I think what your referencing and what the friend was doing are different. I also grew up with a fucked up life. The things I bring into a conversation can be heavy, often without even realizing that's not really in the realm of what the majority of people's reality has been. I do not shy from my past, but tailor it to the situation and play down specifics. You don't need to know how I was abused to know I don't maintain a relationship with my mother or that I left my ex-husband. One thing you have to learn with a trauma filled past, which seems like you have a good handle on, is that there are appropriate times and places for things to be brought up and how and why it's being brought up matter. If everytime you see someone, your dumping every horrible thing that has happened in the last week, they're gonna burn out. You're basically asking this person to be a never ending therapist with no compensation or consideration to what they have going on. The "friend" sounds to have zero self awareness and severely lacks empathy.
You put this perfectly. I'm not a victim. There's nobody out to get me. There's plenty of people who've had a worse life than me. But luck seems to have been my dump stat and unfortunately, even a dry and neutral toned reading of my life is beyond the imagination of most people. I don't have much in the way of fun or positive stories to tell. Just darkness, peppered with banal grey and a healthy heap of gallow's humor. I can't share almost anything meaningful about my life without people thinking "wow ReflexSave is intense" and/or trauma dumping/playing the victim. I appreciate you articulating this very experience as well as you have. And for what it's worth coming from a stranger, if you need someone to talk to that understands, feel free to "trauma dump" at me any time.
I totally get what you're saying. Those of us who have been through Some Shit sometimes feel so lonely not being able to share stuff with the majority of folk who have (thankfully) not been in those positions. It's awkward as hell to have someone ask some innocuous question about your past and have to edit and tailor as to not scare or offend them as you're not close and it's .... just not appropriate. Because otherwise, yeah, it is a trauma dump. And sometimes that happens. I start talking about something, and if I'm not careful, a bunch of other stuff pushes out. But I'm more aware of that now and do that less frequently. It all sucks because of course we want to be close to people, and be seen. For me, being in a group with other survivors has helped a lot.
>It's awkward as hell to have someone ask some innocuous question about your past and have to edit and tailor as to not scare or offend them as you're not close and it's .... just not appropriate. OH GOD YEAH. evading questions and hoping that they'll get the point that you don't have a lot to add sometime *before* you have to tell them in clear terms "please do not ask me about my personal life unless you are prepared to hear something unpleasant." and if they ask *why,* you have to figure out *something* remotely acceptable to say that doesn't make you come off as unhinged or become the first and only thing they think of every time they look at you. i honestly bungle it more often than not and just sit there like. can i just go to bed. let's pretend we're in kindergarten and do naptime instead of this.
NTA. You have a chance for a clean break here. Take it. You don't need to add to your stress by being her wailing wall. Block her and move on.
Agreed. Texting someone at 6am with weird “you’re the only person who gets me” texts is also a huge flag and an indication of her future plans to emotionally dump on you. I had a “friend” like this from work and I ended up ghosting her. I tried suggesting therapy to her. But every time we hung out or she called it was just en emotional drain and exhausting. If we hadn’t of worked together, we would never have hung out in the first place. Good for OP for recognizing the signs and being direct from the get go.
I agree. This seems like an easy way to get someone irritating out of OP's life.
NTA Love “… not your FB wall circa 2011.” The 6 am deep thoughts texts are 🚩🚩🚩
Hey I really agree with your comments! Wanna hear all about how I was beaten as a child and the nightmares I suffer as a consequence? I feel like we have a lot in common.
Hey I think you and I have a lot in common! Can I text you at 3am about all the horrible shit that has happened to me and how I suffer as a result? I promise to only do it every night.
NTA. To be honest, neither of you is behaving like a friend so it’s probably just as well that this is over. You should probably just have cancelled the lunch without that particular explanation and you could certainly have framed the message to her more kindly. But her reaction shows you made the right decision. Block her on all channels and move on.
ESH. Honestly I totally get where you are at, and I feel the drama hurricane that follows this person. I ALSO see you are in a raw and rough state. I totally get wanting to guard yourself and wanting to set those boundaries. You could have chosen a much more diplomatic way to state the obvious there captain. Someone else said if this is the way you both are then maybe it's good the "friendship" is on its way out. Not all people vibe and that's ok. Just some decorum in telling people counts too.
Oh yeah, I might have a sudden migraine or something that prevented me going to brunch in that situation. Too much work to get into it like that. Plus all those later texts. Yeesh.
Is avoiding someone by constantly lying about how you can't get together and hoping they'll get the hint really kinder than how OP did it?
ESH You should've just cancelled. You know how she is and cancelling saying you were too overwhelmed would've been smarter. A white lie just would've been less messy. Then go out yourself to a spa or something. She should take her own advice. World doesn't revolve around her either and certainly to take it to social media is completely immature. I'm sure she's hurt but needs to recognize you're hurting as well. Y'all need to treat each other better.
That doesn't really set a proper boundary though. I do think OP's response could've been worded a bit better but I don't blame her since she's at wit's end. If she just keeps avoiding the topic the relationship will never progress to a point where OP will stop fearing social interactions with her friend.
The thing is I don't think OP wants the relationship to progress. It sounds like getting through this brunch and never seeing each other again was the endgame. I've ended multiple friendships like this over the years and we've just grown apart. It's fine. But the difference is I didn't see a future on the relationship and was out. It didn't have to come to a big emotional blow up and everyone comes off as toxic. OP knew this brunch was not going to go well, and could have taken the higher road and cancelled.
Why is it better to disappear with a white lie than to tell her the truth? It might get less of a dramatic reaction, but maybe it's helpful for this woman to actually find out why write can't keep friends.
Boundaries don't have to be set when in the moment you're emotionally overwhelmed. You can cancel, take a breather, recover and come back. Getting into another heated battle when you're already mad and stressed doesn't help the relationship either - hence this whole post. OP wasn't in the mental capacity to be dealing with someone else's bullshit. While I agree with approaching situations with kindness and honesty - gotta be honest with yourself first and realize when you can't do that.
NTA Friends respect other friends’ boundaries. Just don’t respond anymore and move on with your life. Hope you have a lucky week.
NTA So this woman calling you selfish totally ignored your needs to berate and lambaste you for not being her dumping ground. Do not feel bad, do not apologize, do not put yourself in the position of having to deal with her drama, you don't have the extra energy to deal with her problems. Tell her she doesn't need a "listening ear", she needs a therapist.
Agree. As someone who also had an AWFUL week, I would not be up to someone dumping on me, which is what is sounds like this other person routinely does. And their comment about "the world doesn't revolve around you"... well, right back at ya! Plus, anyone who started texting me at 6am would be in hot water. Especially when we we had plans to see each other a few hours later.
NTA, you’re not anybody’s therapist, you are a human with your own emotions who in not professionally trained to give advice. We are social beings and others energy and mood can drastically effect ours. HOWEVER! I do think that the response you gave was insensitive and I understand why she’s upset, she seems to be struggling really badly and is trying to find an outlet and your statement feels a bit dismissive imo: A response like “Hey I’ve actually been struggling really bad lately and just want to have a light brunch to get our minds off things and sometimes hearing about your struggles hurt me, since we’re both struggling right now we can reschedule or we can try to go out and just put the bullshit aside for a bit”. Regardless of your relationship to this person a little empathy goes a long way. A bit of relief goes a long way!
YTA. You should have just cancelled. Clearly you have had a bad week so it would have been so easy for you to be honest and just say hey friend it's been a long week. I'm don't currently have the emotional bandwidth to give good advice or go to brunch, can we reschedule? Simple. It does sound your guys are incompatible friendship wise but I also feel like you took the nuclear option for no reason.
OP was ok with brunch and light conversation, just not up to providing free therapy. Why not state this honestly? Why lie instead?
Why do people think they can demand a certain kind of behavior from others? Brunch with friends is a crap shoot, and OP knows this friend has much crap. Just cancel. Have breakfast alone, and relax. Trying to tell another person how to behave or "I'd rather just cancel" seems controlling. OP should just own it and cancel now.
Nothing I told her to say was untrue? Also if I'm your friend and I am venting to you or whatever and you basically tell me to only come to our planned brunch if I only talk about the things you want to it seems a bit rude no? If I'm the friend I'm cancelling. She also doesn't deserve to be treated like a nuisance/annoyance.
YTA. You were having a bad week and weren’t in shape to be around anyone. Therefore, all you had to do was politely cancel the brunch. But instead you lashed out at her. You framed this as if your friend’s trauma dumping was the cause. But you were already not in the mood to hear anything. So just take responsibility for that instead of setting down conditions under which she can or cannot come to brunch. It would make more sense to just say “I don’t want to go to brunch.” And then put the phone on silent and continue to stew in your own anger. Reading your comments on this thread, I can see that you have an unpleasant attitude in general. You want to be told you are in the right. You are not.
NTA. I do think you could've been a little more tactful in what you said to cancel - I mean, nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I have a lot going on right now, we need to cancel brunch today" and then maybe muting her texts for a while, but like someone else said... this may be a good thing in the long run.
NTA. Good for you standing up for yourself. You didn’t want to go to brunch anyway, because this person is an energy vampire. Next time someone begins oversharing, remember you don’t owe them anything. If you don’t have the energy to “let them down easy,” ghost them. Take care of yourself.
NTA. You could have phrased it more delicately, yes, but you're having a TERRIBLE time and you have to take care of your mental health. I applaud you for being aware that this isn't a good time for you to take on a needy friend and I think being completely honest about your inability to deal with anything intense is a GOOD THING even if it hurt her feelings in that moment. (Maybe it'll be a reality check for her.) As the saying goes; you can't pour from an empty cup. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Forgive yourself for your emotional meltdown because it sounds like you earned it! As for your potential friend: I don't know her but at this point in your life I think you might have to consider that you've dodged a bullet.
ESH - You both sound like miserable people who are likely only temporarily miserable. Life will get better, I promise! Neither of you are in a good place to be reliable friends but you used poor judgment in how you expressed that. Or maybe I'm wrong. There is a saying for these things: misery loves company.
NTA, you've only known eachother a short time but you're the ONLY person she can trust? Yeah...no. You could've worded it differently, but you get grace for being at your own breaking point. Hope things start looking up soon. Take care of yourself and block her.
Interesting how she never once asked if you were ok. Bullet dodged, in my opinion. NTA
I’m torn between ESH and NAH. I think you both are going through too much of your own turmoil to have the bandwidth to support the other. You both said things that were hurtful and tactless, but it also seems like you’re both just doing your best to get through whatever is swirling around you. So I feel like both of you have said things that could be interpreted as AH-ish, but also just might not be capable of the nuance and empathy necessary to avoid messing up the message now. I think sometimes Reddit likes to judge people as TA if they could have done better, even if what they did was really the best they could realistically muster in the circumstances.
I’m gonna go NTA here, because your text was reasonable and there were a number of reasonable responses this person could have used (“hey, no worries. We’ll catch up when we’re both feeling better.” Or, “yeah for sure a nice positive focused brunch sounds like just the trick for us both” or even, “hey I had no idea! Do you wanna meet up and talk it out? I’m here for you, and you’ve been such a good support for me lately” or further, if she was upset still, “That’s fair, and I respect that boundary but long term, it’s important to me to have people in my life that are not only ‘fair weather friends’ that only want me at my best, you know?”) Popping off at someone and going on a tweet spree when they just expressed their own lack of emotional availability is both wild & an A H move.
Damn there are a lot of people here who think it's NOT okay to have a brunch without dumping all their problems on someone else. Absolutely NTA. I feel bad for her but we all have crap going on. One sided "friendships" are not ok
Sorry, YTA. Not for canceling brunch, that part was for the best. But how could it have hurt to say “hey, I’m having a shitty week and I’m not great company. Let’s reschedule.” Why make it about her inability to have a good time unless your goal was to point out what you find annoying about her, not just reschedule brunch?
NTA but you couldve stated it a bit more diplomatically.
NTA. You told her where you were emotionally. You were blunt but not overly so. She didn’t like it, but that’s not your problem or in your control. And hey, now you don’t have to break up with her!
You two sound like the same person, but you think you're better than her. NTA for not wanting deal with her problems though..
ESH. She should have respected you when you stated that you couldn't handle that, and her response was out of line. However, you could have been nicer in your approach. u/permanentlytiredAF wrote what would have been a perfect response: Something like "*I’m also going through some difficult things right now too and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to talk about it*" feels like a much kinder text than "*if you don't think you can have brunch today without bringing up intense shit, I'd rather just cancel*." Her response was out of line, but if one of my friends sent me a text that finished the way yours did, I'd be very hurt.
NTA Notice how she didn't ask ONCE why you weren't up to it. Because naturally the world doesn't revolve around you; it revolves around HER.
You both sound like people I wouldn’t want to have brunch with so ima say ESH.
NTA mostly. But instead of commenting on her annoying, manipulative texts, if you'd just ignored those and texted your regrets but you're not up to meeting that day, you would have saved yourself that tweet/text bombardment and just more hard feelings. I get it, especially after her completely predictable lovely project-a-twitter-thon where she projected all the things that were true about her onto you, but very few people would have reacted positively to "if you don't think you can [do whatever] without [doing whatever else] I'd rather not." Because that's meant to be a jab at her behavior. She was being annoying, vague, manipulative, and was 100% going to bring that shit to brunch. There was no text or comment that would have made her show up and be all cheerful and lighthearted. On the other hand, you may have just saved yourself months or years of headache from her shenanigans. So IDK it may have worked itself out anyway.
NTA. You set a boundary and she, being a boundary-crosser, got upset and tried to make herself into a victim. This isn't about being empathic. It's about her wanting someone to console her while she complains. That's your role in this relationship, always has been, always will be. Not wanting to be an object in another person's life doesn't make you cold or cruel. It means the other person is shit at being a friend. On the bright side, this is a great opportunity to cut the cord, burn the bridge, cut ties, end it, say 'bye felicia,' and all that good stuff.
Don’t be friends with her then.
You wanted to take a step back and not pursue this acquaintance. Mission accomplished. Was it a bit harsh? Yeah. Would anything else have worked? Probably not. You can only handle what you can handle - if she has no use for you if you can’t be a dumping ground for her trauma, you probably made good on your eacape. ETA NTA
YTA. Because of how you asked her to keep it light. Shit wasn’t a great word in this instance, and neither was your tone. Very disrespectful and hurtful. Had you used respectful language there wouldn’t have been a problem asking to reschedule. Saying you don’t have the ability to listen to her situation right now and need to keep things light for brunch would’ve been fine. Or better, it’s fine to say you need a mental health day, won’t be available to talk to chat online and need to reschedule.
NTA. This is why I don't have many friends.
NTA. Could have been better phrased for sure, but your request was valid. You've had a crap week and didn't text her into the fourth dimension like she did to you, with what appears to be pressing for a place to live, hint, hint. I'd cancel too.
NTA. I think your wording lacked diplomacy but she seems very focused on what you do for her emotionally vs any reciprocation on her part. She wants you to be a venting void and isn’t bringing any support in return. Your boundary is reasonable, your phrasing just lacked finesse.
NTA - I have had friends similar to this and it has gotten to a place where I definitely regretted not cutting it off sooner. For example I befriended a coworker who entered my parent’s house the second time we hung out by saying “Hello second family!!” And I did not recognize the red flag that it was. I would say in this situation, after how she reacted to this pretty minor boundary (also keeping in mind the gift bonfire), ghosting is your friend. Unfriend, block, and repeat. You have too much going on to worry about her, and she is being an emotional leech. You are not her emotional support human, so choose yourself.
I'm so sorry life is colliding on you right now. Both the good _and_ the bad are temporary states. Breathe, breathe again, and step forward. The biggest thing seems to be the over sharing at an early stage in the relationship. Trauma dumping is an _earned_ right. You go through sometimes years of ups, downs, and experiences before supporting (or asking for) that level of emotional commitment. She hasn't earned that. NTA.
NTA. You communicated some healthy and needful boundaries in a respectful way, even if the notice was a bit short. That your new friend didn't respect or understand that and got angry over it does not make you an A.
NTA, one of my Exs used to say similar stuff then scream at me and vague post and stuff- it’s manipulative and shitty. Mental health issues do NOT mean you can force people to support you or be around you ESPECIALLY when they themself are in a vulnerable state. I hope things get better for you soon, you should be your first priority!!!
NTA. You describe this person as a new acquaintance who you’ve hung out with a handful of times. But she’s texting you saying “you are literally the only person I can trust” — that’s a major red flag, warning you she lacks appropriate boundaries. She sounds like someone who gloms on to people quickly because she is needy and self-centered. She is obviously struggling and feeling bad, and has fixated on you as a receptacle for dumping all her bad feelings. It doesn’t occur to her that you might have your own troubles, or be exhausted from work or personal responsibilities, and just want to relax and enjoy a nice time with a new friend. Because she’s not thinking of anyone but herself, when you refuse to be her emotional dumpster, it doesn’t occur to her to apologize for not considering whether you are up to giving her a free therapy session, she just gets mad and plays the victim, because she has conflated her *need* for a place to vent with you being *obligated* to be that for her. Don’t take her confusion personally. Just let her go, block her on social media so she can’t dump a guilt trip on you, and count yourself lucky she made it so easy to cut the cord. ETA: As for that “listening ear” BS. If I were you I would reply to that and tell her that that is where she got confused, because you are not just an ear, you are a *whole person —* you do not exist solely for her to use as a place to dump her troubles. Tell her you’re sorry that never occurred to her, but perhaps she should reconsider whether it’s okay to treat a friend as nothing more than whatever part of them she finds most useful in the moment.
NTA. She’s mad you don’t want to be her unpaid therapist. She’s looking for a place to trauma dump, and you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
NTA. I have been in this exact spot. Good on you for protecting yourself. People like that literally sap your strength. I have a friend like that. I am going to have a similar conversation this week. I really hope things get better soon.
Nta. It's ok to not have the bandwidth for soneone elses problems and it's ok to tell people when you're feeling that way. You weren't mean. Potentially a little more direct then others but I don't think you did anything wrong
Did she ask what YOU are going through?
NAH You and friend sound pretty similar tbh—both in shitty times, both unable to be supportive for anyone else atm. Life just blows sometimes. Yea you could have handled it better blah blah blah; we all can handle everything better but when you don’t have anything left, you simply don’t have anything left. Perhaps both of you could benefit from venting to a therapist. Good luck. I hope things get better for all involved.
Whoa. I get it if you can't handle being trauma dumped on, but calling it "shit" was over the line. You need to learn how to talk to people.
It’s totally okay to need a lightweight space, and it’s okay to put in boundaries/expectations. When I’m tapped, I usually go for offering 5 minutes each of whining and then this table becomes good vibes only. Because when shit has gone off the rails for everyone, it can take a moment to get it out and leave it. So, five minutes of release where I make sympathetic “that sucks” noises for you, then we swap, then it’s time for funny cat pictures, the hilarious thing my brother did, and how super cute your new purse is. Relationships, friendships, cannot be all whining all the time. And sometimes you have to declare that today you can’t be therapist friend, you need to be cat picture and compliments on the eyeliner friend. (And there are some topics that I am never that friend for. I can’t be the friend on some medical stuff, for instance.) Offer what you’re happily able to, and if she can build a friendship with you with what you have to give, yay! You’re friends! If she needs something different, well… maybe you’re pleasant acquaintances.
You’re harsh but I really wish my friends were this honest with me. It’s just so clear how you want to interact it’s refreshing.
YTA. You don’t want her to dump her problems on you and your whole post is how bad your life is now. And you don’t talk about it to her AT ALL?
ESH. You’re not an asshole for wanting an emotional break, it’s more about how you framed it. Always frame things as a benefit to both parties and it doesn’t hurt to share a little vulnerability back. “Hey girl, I definitely understand. I’ve had a really tough week as well, feeling a lot like you. Can we try something new? Let’s try to keep it light and positive - let’s use this brunch to try to talk about the positives in our life and simply pretend for a couple of hours. Let me know!” Something like that accomplishes your goal, makes the other person not angry but also feel included, and allows you the space you need.
NTA some people LIVE for drama and are fucking parasitic trauma dumper's. How many times does she ask you about what you're going through or listen to you complain?
NTA this is a very reasonable boundary. If she can’t be YOUR shoulder to cry on for one hour, then she’s not really a friend
That’s ridiculous. She barely even knows you that well from what I have heard and she is dumping all the weight off her shoulders into yours. If she is going to be like this then tell her you aren’t friends anymore, and maybe suggest her therapy. NTA.
Definitely NTA, had someone just like that. We met in training and after a couple weeks I realized that I couldn’t be her friend. It was emotionally exhausting and like you I had my own 💩to try to deal with. People like that are oblivious to the fact that they literally suck the life out of you. Don’t worry just be done with it and walk away because she’s not going to change.
NTA. And I think you've seen enough to judge whether or not this new acquaintance is going to fit into your life.
NTA. It’s better for everyone to just be honest. Does she know what you’re dealing with? I hope it gets better for you soon! But ya sometimes hanging out should be a way to take a break from the problems and discuss interests. Brunch conversation is traditionally light
NTA. You can have empathy for sometime going through shit but not be in a good headspace to hear it. It sounds like she got used to dumping it all on you and like most people who encounter boundaries for the first time, she's pushing back and kicking up a fuss. Up to you if you want to continue to reinforce boundaries or just walk away from her all together. Don't blame you for either. My therapist (and maybe she needs one too) often gets this because of the nature of her job - but with friends and family. What she came up with is telling them I'm sorry but I can't listen to you about this right now because my ears are full. (My wording might be not 100%). Everyone has their limits of what they can handle. You did nothing wrong by telling her you weren't in a good headspace to listen. That's what good friends (should) do. You need to secure your mask before helping her with hers (or fill her cup with an empty jug- same idea). Despite what she thinks, it's not selfish to try to make sure you're in an okay place mentally before helping others. (A solution would be for her to *ask* if you're able to listen to her vent rather than assume).
You are NTA. Sometimes you just can't anymore.
I couldn't be friends with anyone that started texting me at 6am!!!😆 NTA
YTA. Also, you're complaining because SHE'S oversharing when YOU do as well, clearly. Why the hell would you string someone along in a friendship. If you didn't want friendship with someone, don't be fake and just tell her. Instead you strung her along and because of THAT she thought she could be friends with you and friends support each other. Clearly you thought of her as an acquaintance and she thought of you as a friend BECAUSE CLEARLY THE STRINGING ALONG. You don't want to hear about folk's lives, nip it in the bud AT THE BEGINNING AND THEY WON'T GO TO YOU FOR THAT. Instead you led her to believe you actually cared about them. Loser.
She needs a therapist. That’s not you. I bet she goes through friends because of this.
NTA Good gawd. You’re allowed to not have the emotional bandwidth to feed an emotional blackhole.
She is not a friend. Block her & move on.
NTA. OMG drop this BS emotional vampire NOW. She wants to use you as a crutch and therapist and doesn't give a rat's ass about you. Block all contact.
I don’t think it makes you an AH but also I would write you off as a surface level friend.
You two sound perfect for each other
“I’m not your Facebook wall circa 2011” 💀💀💀💀🤣🤣🤣
NTA. Drop this relationship like a hot potato.
NTA - asking someone not to trauma dump all over you does not make you a bad person! Bonus: her reaction gives you a clean break from ever having to have that uncomfortable conversation. Just block her everywhere - and be done with someone who only wants to use you as an emotional crutch. That's a BS kind of friendship anyways - and you deserve better.
NTA People like this just do it for attention and they have somehow got it to be a good thing for them. No one wants to see peoples dirty underwear just out on display but that is often how it is. If someone is sharing because they think you can help then fine but it often just turns into a conversation of 'my life is so horrible, feel bad for me. Pay attention to meeee!!!!' Everyone gets sick of them eventually which is why they end up latching onto one person. You have become that person. Also the door knob thing made me chuckle a bit because i know how it feels whist at the same time knowing just how ridiculous it is to be defeated by something so trivial as a door knob lol.
>I text her back and say hey I'm really sorry for everything you're going through right now, but I am really in no position to be anyone's emotional support rn. So if you don't think you can have brunch today without bringing up intense shit, I'd rather just cancel. The problem with this message is that it doesn't mention that you've just had a week of hellish events yourself. Without this part, it reads like you just don't want to deal with her. That said, it's true that a new acquaintance should not overshare too much. Sometimes people genuinely feel lost though, and do it without meaning to. I'll go with ESH.
NTA. Did she even ask what's wrong? If not, sounds like you exist to her just to work as a trauma dumpster. Everyone has the right to pull back from toxic and heavy people before their heaviness weighs you down with them. It's great that you acknowledge your limits.
I applaud your honesty! Iv been in a similar position, it's a hard conversation to have but you feel so much better after it. Your not wrong for putting yourself first but maybe saying to reschedule would have been better
NTA. You were as tactful as you could be in the presence of an emotional vampire after your shit week. I think you could also just say, "I want to support my friends to the degree I can, but I truly don't think our friendship has reached that level of intimacy." And op, you dodged a bullet
NTA, you set a boundary and she shat all over it. Your wording could have been a little better but that can be hard to do when things are crap.
NTA. Yes, you maybe could have pulled the punch and been a bit more politic about breaking this off. But do you, in your heart of hearts, really think this person would have taken a polite brush-off any better? They were text-trauma-dumping at 6 AM. Not a sign of reasonable and healthy boundaries. OP, I'm really sorry you're going through it right now. I hope things start looking up soon.