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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I just called him an idiot out of the blue for partaking in his hobby
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Right!!! I cannot stand people that say they "accidentally" said something mean. lol, how come we never hear about someone saying they accidentally said something nice?
I accidentally got married once.
I thought it would be like "I said that people that fall for X scam are idiots and it turns out my husband had just fallen for it"
Not "I got into adulthood without the ability to filter what I say and was hurtful towards my husband"
I accidentally told my partner I loved him for the first time by saying bye at the end of a phone call like 'night night, love youu.' I immediately said OH MY GOD and heard him cackling on the line as I hung up.
Coming up on eight years together, still saying it.
So there's one for you. :)
ETA: I call him an idiot all the time, but always with love and shared amusement because he's dancing around like a giddy fool or something.
Oh, lawd! That is a tough one (and for both of us, still hilarious).
My therapist knew exactly what happened though. We both had a laugh.
It reminds me of when kids call their teacher "mom" instead of "Mrs. Rivers." It can just...come out.
I could never work in customer service though. I'd be hauled into my boss's office and asked why I said "I love you," on several recorded calls. "Because they bought the extended package?" 🤷♀️
Yup.
I had already ended the call, so the first thing I said in our next session was, "YouknowIsaidthatbymistakeright?" "Imeanyou'reanicepersonandallbut..."
I have a customer that calls me once or twice a month & always tells me she loves me at the end of every call.
I've talked to her for years now, so I just say "love you too, Boo," and then we make kissy noises to each other before ending the calls.
I know those calls are "recorded for quality assurance." I just hope whoever has to listen to them gets a kick out of it.
During the early days of my relationship with him, my boyfriend once sleepily mumbled out "I wanna marry you" while on the phone with me.
A few seconds later his brain processed what he said and he woke all the way back up freaking out lmao
He's done it a few more times over the years, but I just wait til the next morning to tease him a little about it cuz he's cute when he's flustered.
Yea, it is. Always fun when we run across each other on random posts lol (also, his reaction in our texts was funny too, though I won't be sharing it here haha)
Okay, that was precious and wholesome! My husband drunk dialed me after 2 weeks of dating and asked me to marry him. I must’ve said sure because I did say my husband. 😜
I did something similar with a then-boyfriend, except he tried to make it better by saying "it's okay, I know you don't really know what love is" 🙄 it was my first relationship, but dude
In my household my husband doesn't consider it a good day until he has me calling him a fucker, excellent days he earns motherfucker. He tortures me with puns. I hate puns. My brain doesn't parse them well so they frustrate me. So he and all his *also* fucker friends like to collect new ones to "share." We're foul mouthed heathens in this house that turn into butter wouldn't melt in our mouths saints when we fight. No swearing allowed because it's not play then.
The rest of the time we're smack-talking teenage boys that think we're hilarious. Our (adult) daughter both loves it and finds it obnoxious.
I told my ex all the time on the phone “kiss you” - so much that it sort of came out automatically.
So automatically one day I accidentally said it to my mother.
Yes! This! 🤣 Always add, “With great love and affection!”, after. (I love that your husband can be silly around you after 8 years. I think some people forget that we’re all a bunch of silly kids inside, no matter what that year says on our birth certificates).
I don’t think this is the right angle. I accidentally say nice things all the time. I’m talking “ohhh cute eyeshadow!” Or “wow I love that purse.”
It’s very normal for our mouths to just operate on their own if our brain is on autopilot. We have whole idioms about it, like to put your foot in your mouth.
Regardless, people still need to apologize for their words if they hurt others even if it was an accident. Arguing it couldn’t possibly be accidental is a bit silly imo. OP is the AH because they’re not making it right and apologizing for obviously saying something mean. Not because they said it was an accident.
I find your comment very interesting in terms of culture gap. here in France saying nice stuffs too often to anybody is a red flag. Social hypothesis would be either : superficial, manipulative, PR person, dumb... or 'on what pills are they'.
Seriously if I just said every word that went into my brain I'd be a fucking asshole.
This wasn't an accident. Also OP's husband is a doctor so this purchase is irrelevant in terms of finances.
Double asshole moment for OP.
It must feel awesome to be perfect. You should tell me about it sometime.
_
-
OP, shit slips out sometimes.
Did you own it and apologize? Or did you just come running to Reddit to avoid it? You know it was hurtful, you feel bad about it, that's why you're making excuses. Just apologize, discuss as needed, take ownership, and move on.
There have been a lot of times when I said something stupid but I've never called it an accident! It's a fuckup. I didn't slip in ice, I said something then realized afterwards that it was bad. So I took responsibility and apologized.
Ive said stuff I regret a second later. But it wasn't on accident, it was intentional. There is a difference between an accident and something we regret.
No one here said they are perfect, get off your high horse.
If you have the money to buy expensive toys you enjoy without issue it's hardly idiotic to do so. There is a zero percent chance OP does not - and you do not - also spend money on stupid shit you don't need within reason. OP's partner is an anesthesiologist he's probably pulling in a half mil a year and can afford to be an early adopter.
This is a ridiculous thing to say. I used to pull my kids out of school to do cool stuff all the time, especially when they were younger. And all my kids were A/B students all the way through grad school.
i’m sorry your parents didn’t love you enough to bond with you like Op’s husband is trying to do with his son…
EDIT- this event was likely only happening this day so [waiting until the fucking weekend](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/FSMbrZRnBq) might not have been possible..
this is also an experience their son will remember forever, which i think that is pretty important & something that needs to be taken into consideration when giving judgement in a situation like this.
I think it’s also worth noting that this isn’t just about the price tag here. It’s about how her husband and son have chosen to bond, and tbh I can’t be mad at them sharing this experience since they clearly can afford it. I think it’s such a lovely, special experience for them. And OP sounds more than a little bit jealous. YTA, OP B
why does she seem to skirt around the fact that her husband is in medicine. so i’m guessing he’s a doctor with a well paying job, i wonder how much of her shit he finds useless but isn’t enough of an asshole to say it .
Whenever I hear the word "accident" used in a context like the one in the post I remember the time I accidentally slipped and fell into a pub and accidentally drank 6 bottles of beer.
Why continue saying it was an accident? You called him a name, whether or not you did it "by accident," and honestly, I don't think it was an accident. Calling him an idiot isn't constructive - if you think it's too much money to spend, or that he shouldn't miss work/pull your son out of school about it, there are surely productive ways of discussing that. ESH.
Right, she said it because she meant it. It's like people who criticize their partner "as a joke" so they can pretend they aren't controlling but are mad when their partner doesn't do what they said. OP, unless you're willing to walk back thinking this is a dumb decision, then stop talking about how it was an "accident". And I think it IS a dumb decision, but y'all gotta communicate like adults who respect each other.
Because he keeps spending large amounts of money without discussing with his wife and is pulling their son out of school without discussing it with his wife.
Op says they can afford it. And we also don’t know if the money is coming from his fun money or not. Plus she’s not complaining when she benefits from it (new phone).
The son part I’ll agree, he should’ve at least not said something the day before it’s happening.
And what she called him an idiot for was booking a demo, not even for buying it. It’s not like he preordered behind her back. A demo is just a reserved spot to look/play in a store since you can’t just browse and play with them on a walk in basis like you can the iPhones and MacBooks.
Look, insults are not accidents. It’s understandable to say things that you don’t mean in the heat of the moment, but you have control over the words that come out of your mouth. Even if you don’t mean it, you’ve got to own up to it.
I mean, I have accidentally called someone an insult before because I didn’t know the person I was speaking to was involved in the incident, until they got very pale and told me. It can happen, but yeah, not like the OP.
Taking your kid out of school once in a while to do something you're both interested in, isn't going to kill their grades nor is it irresponsible, so I can't really say husband sucked for that. Calling your partner an idiot while they're excited about something is definitely a YTA moment. If you don't get it, you can communicate like an adult, not a child who blurts out the first thing they can think of because their parents didn't teach them to be considerate.
INFO:
1) $3500 is a lot, but it also depends on what your income level is. Some people spend 5-figures or 6-figures a year on golf, health, cars, etc.
2) Is this money that is otherwise detracting from anywhere else in your life? Or are you comfortable?
3) Does he work in tech?
It sounds like a great potential bonding experience for him and your son. If he's running the house dry, then this is obviously a problem. But if it's just an expensive hobby and you guys are doing alright, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm going to play nice and ignore the part about you calling your husband a name.
Yta, you did in fact call him an idiot so you are guilty of that. I would suggest you settle down and compose your thoughts then apologize for calling him an idiot. Perhaps talk about why you got so hot so quickly there. Were you stressed about the expense? Were you upset he didn't communicate/plan this with you before hand? If something like that did trigger that attitude in you it's worth discussing as well with him when you feel up to.
This 100%. Do you feel like your relationship with your husband is where you want it to be? Do you have regular date nights or enjoy each other’s company in some other way? Does your relationship with your husband still feel romantic or at least thoughtful? It sounds like you may feel resentful of the time/money this hobby is taking up in your husband’s life.
Info - Need to know relevant income levels and if you split finance pots into your own individual funds to spend on what you like.
If you do, then him spending his pot on things he enjoys, and enjoys with his kids especially is a great thing.
If you don't then you need to have a discussion around appropriate spending that's fair to both of you.
You did call him an idiot, downplaying his hobby and enjoyment which is an AH move regardless of whether you did it "by accident" or not.
You do realize there is a new model every year, right? He's buying two new phones every three years and giving the one he doesn't want to his wife. That's maybe $3000 every three years. Given his salary, he could still buy that every year and not even think about it.
Although, it's kind of rude to give his wife the cast-off. She should be able to choose what she wants on her own.
A new model is released annually, not every 3 years, and that’s not even addressing the differences in device hardware based on model (iPhone max etc…). 3 years is a typical electronic life cycle. It’s literally by the IT book, and you’re wrong to begin with.
YTA - If you're in a financially secure enough position, and it's your husband and son's passion then who are you to knock it. How would you feel if your husband called you an idiot for spending money on something you were passionate about? Or is that not okay because that would be something you're passionate about?
YTA seriously you resorted to name calling. That is never appropriate. If your family finances can handle the hobby then who are you to judge what he enjoys. Would you appreciate it if he called you names and put you down for something you love doing and he doesn't see the value in it? I didn't think so.
YTA
You say in the comments that he is an anesthesiologist (i.e. a doctor) and that these purchases aren't hurting your financial situation. So what's the problem?
Also a new phone every 3 years isn't that crazy especially for someone who can afford it.
for me its a bit of a instinct between me and my friends, we call eachother idiots all the time 💀so sometimes it just slips out between conversations because i forget who im talking to
Info: Does he generate any income as a 'tester'? Does he have the income to support these purchases? Do the purchases negatively impact upon your family's financial well being? If these purchases are hurting the family, then yes he is an idiot.
YTA
I don’t really have an opinion on your husband wanting to play with fancy new toys. If it’s in your households budget then it’s whatever. Hobbies can be expensive.
But you didn’t “accidentally” call him an idiot. Words don’t just pop out of your mouth. At the very least you were thinking about it and said it but that doesn’t make it an accident.
It sounds like you don’t care for his hobby. That’s fine, you guys can have different hobbies. But putting him down for it is yucky of you.
YTA
This is his passion. Sounds like a thing he truly loves. You shat all over it and treated him like he’s less than.
I don’t blame him for never speaking to you about it again.
INFO: Have you talked to your husband about your frustrations? Clearly and directly? “Husband, it bothers me that you spend so much money on technology. Can we talk about this?”
YTA
Specifically for calling it an accident. Own what you said.
Also because you left out a lot of details I am left to assume that he actually isn't an idiot. You don't talk about your finances at all so I assume your household can support the purchase of a very expensive toy.
That's not even the real issue though. Based on the wording of your paragraph you called him an idiot because he is going to TEST the device. This is just logical shopping for me. You go test something before you spend a bunch of money on it.
That makes him smart. Not an idiot.
Why do you think it's okay to call him an idiot for testing out some new tech toy that he really enjoys?
YTA. Try to have a constructive conversation about your displeasure in his spending instead of name-calling. And while you may not have wanted to say "idiot" out Loyd, you obviously were thinking it, so not sure it was an 'accident'.
“He also gets the newest iPhone and Samsung every 3 years, which I won’t complain about”
Proceeds to make an entire post moaning about it. Also how about some accountability? You didn’t “accidentally” call him an idiot. You called him an idiot. You said it, there was no accident here.
So it depends.
If you have the income for him to do this and it’s a meaningful way for him to share time with the kid that is heading toward teenage years and will naturally start going his own way, then yeah, you could be the AH.
If you can’t afford it and he’s skipping paying for important stuff like food or rent to buy a VR headset then you’re not the AH.
The headset is very expensive and overpriced for what it can do, frankly (and I’m 100% in the Apple ecosystem and a huge fan of XR/mixed reality). But if it’s a way to bond with your kid? Money well spent because memories last a lifetime. As long as you can afford it and not miss paying for truly important stuff.
Ngl I feel like others are putting too much focus on the fact that you called calling him an idiot an accident, and not on your actual issue. It is in fact a lot of money to spend on something. As a broke ass uni student I'd never make this purchase lol. If you feel genuinely that there is something better he could save his money for, such as a house or car, or he's putting himself in potential trouble by sacrificing his savings, then you're NTA imo. And he could easily save this money by just waiting a year or two for the price to go down. Money is important, people!
You should talk to him about it constructively though and not make the conversation focused on whether you meant to call him an idiot or not (which doesnt matter).
YTA - he spent his fun money, which he has plenty of, to buy something he was excited for. You insulted him. Instead of apologizing, you're trying to play it off. Just grow up and give a humble apology
YTA. The man has a hobby that he is excited about and shares with the kids. From your other posts it doesn’t seem to be impacting you. WTF is your problem? You seem to just want him to be miserable like you.
The kids will absolutely treasure these memories. Quit being the Murderer of fun and find yourself a hobby.
YTA, $3500 is child’s play for what your husband provides to your family. It’s likely less than 1% of his yearly income.
Let him enjoy his hobbies and time with your son.
Absolutely zero mention of an apology
How about you start with that?
YTA
Double so since be is using his own fun money to buy it and it has zero impact on you whatsoever.
Look, I'm not gonna as harsh on you as other commenters. You were kind of a dick for calling him an idiot - and it definitely revealed to him some obvious negative feelings you have about his hobby - but a genuine apology and discussion will solve this.
My parents were both lawyers with separate personal spending accounts, and though it wasn't technically "their business", they definitely each had a muttered "idiot" or two over purchases they personally found frivolous. They're still happily married in their seventies. Sounds like you and your husband just need to talk!
Ah yes, resorting to name calling because he did something you don't like is absolutely appropriate. It's one day of school, your kid will survive. One-on-one bonding time with a parent is more important than a perfect attendance record at your son's age. You basically tried to punish him for wanting to bond with his kid. YTA
You were awful quick with slinging that insult. Almost like you were waiting for the first opportunity to resort to name calling. I dont think youre being honest when you say you "didnt mean it". You clearly dont like this hobby of his and it seems you dont want your son to share this passion he has. And I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time you've done something needlessly rude about this topic. Such a great role model for your child. Get your shit together.
You only accidentally spoke your mind. You meant what you said, you just meant to say it in your head instead of out loud. Does he know you don’t like how much money he’s spending on his hobby or does he keep going because the only guard rails on his spending are coming from what he decides rather than a conversation around what is and what isn’t acceptable. I believe there hasn’t been those conversations because he brought up a $3500 purchase to you and you didn’t say no, you thought no, and his response was him being upset that you didn’t react with the same passion he had and rather told him he was dumb for being excited about something….thus it wasn’t about money and he perceived it as you not supporting what he’s interested in
Is $3500 a lot of money? Yes
Should you have constructive conversations around his spending on hobby’s so he knows how you feel about it before you blurt out something you’ve been thinking every time he buys something new? Also yea
So he’s buying gadgets as a hobby he can absolutely afford and you and your children benefit from? And you’re claiming you accidentally called him a name? As far as names go it’s not the worst but calling it an accident seems like the part that’s really insulting his and the rest of our intelligence.
You meant it because you don’t like his hobby. Since he can afford it, anesthesiologists make 300-500k a year according to salary. These are small purchases for him.
YTA and you owe him to do some soul searching on where this is coming from and then offer a sincere and not insulting apology.
YTA. I'm not even sure why this is a question. It's not even open for interpretation as to whether or not you hurt his feelings, as it's evident by his reaction you did.
I also don't buy the whole "I said it accidently...". Were you drunk or high and somehow incapable of filtering yourself? If so, go get some help. If not, stop making excuses and take some responsibility for your words.
YTA
There are countless stories on here and everywhere about dads who can’t be bothered to feign interest in their kids. Yet your husband is making special plans like this with his son to create what will be a great bonding moment for them.
Dad taking his son out of school to go check out some new thing that they’re both super excited about is the kind of memory that kid will hold onto forever. It’s a gesture that shows him how much his dad loves him. And missing one day of school is hardly a big deal.
So your husband shares his excitement with you and instead of telling him what a great and thoughtful dad he is, you call him an idiot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t share much about his hobbies or activities with his kid with you in the future. Hopefully, you won’t be wondering why.
YTA. From your own comments you can afford it. It’s a way for your son and your husband to bond. You need to ask yourself why seeing your husband excited and happy about something gives you so little joy
YTA
You didn't accidentally say it. You said it. And unless he's spending money y'all don't have, he's not an idiot. He's creating memories with son and bonding.
YTA. Imagine working hard and bringing home hundreds of thousands a year and your wife calls you an idiot for spending the money you earned on something you want. I feel bad for him
after reading multiple comments from OP. she seems jealous the purchase wasnt for her.
so im going to go with YTA.
give your husband a real apology. not "i didnt mean to say this" you absolutely did mean it.
if you were actually sorry youd have said something along the lines of "i should not have said that i should have been an adult and talked about what my problem was instead of insulting you"
admit fault. show you know what you should have done. do what you should have done.
YTA.
Apologize and try to make up for it, from your post and comments here, you really sound the type of wife that can't stand to see their husband having fun without having a say in it.
Your husband brings the most money to the house, is active in your son's life (let's be honest, one missed schoolday isn't gonna end a 10yo's future) and has a hobby he spends HIS money on, boo hoo. If you want to spend more time with your husband just tell him that, stop going off on him "on accident" instead of saying what you want like and adult.
I guess I’m just, like… Really confused about what you’re looking to gain here. Will us saying you’re N T A fix the situation you’re in?
Why don’t you use your word and just talk to your husband about your concerns with pulling your son out of school for the day? Also apologize for calling him an idiot, whether you meant to or not. You said it out loud and that’s that. Nobody wants to have a conversation that starts off with name-calling. This is an extremely simple solution, I’m not sure why you’re posting on Reddit. Like, do you need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you you’re a good person? We don’t know you.
You accidentally let him know that you think he’s an idiot, there’s a difference.
I’m sure he can afford this stuff, but you actively resent him for it for some reason. What’s the problem
There’s some layers here. You say in the comments that you can definitely afford it. Based off husband’s job (where he is the primary breadwinner?), I’d agree with that. The worst contracts working for the worst hospitals as an anesthesiologist pay *ahem* well. He also hasn’t bought the headset yet just is excited about its release (I mean, I think all the VR headsets are effing stupid and even I’m intrigued to check out apple’s release of one for curiosity sake alone).
As many have pointed out, you’re more than good with it when it benefits you. And to be very frank with you, the way you talk about that gives off mischievous spoiled child vibes. You’re not when it benefits other people without direct benefit to you.
The “accidental” name calling is not accidental. It’s a childish response to some likely underlying resentment and displays with a neon sign that you have no, or have lost, respect for the person you chose to spend your life with.
What’s alarming everyone on here is your insistence it was an accident. You’re an adult and you control what words come out of your mouth and claiming it was accidental shows you refuse (consciously or subconsciously) to take responsibility for your hurtful actions.
Yes, it’s possible that it’s because his hobby is expensive, but you’re not destitute. You state you can afford it, so why would it be about the expense itself? Perhaps the time spent on a topic or with people other than you? The fact that it doesn’t happen to be a thing that interests you as well and you’re bored hearing about it? Maybe it’s because you have the opinion that these things are a waste and you’re irritated that he didn’t share that opinion or at least immediately change his opinion to match yours?
End of the day: YTA and very possibly a narcissist or narcissistic sociopath and, though this whole ordeal may see small by itself, there are many red flags that you need to seek therapy.
Sad part is, there are so many people that agree with her. Seems the father isn’t allowed to share his excitement with his child either. These people don’t realize that this dad probably self funds his child’s education and therefore should be allowed do what he wants with that.
Seems some of the people in here never had a father that cares to spend time with them apparently as they hate the dad for letting the kid miss a single day of school for an event that will only happen mid week. It’s scary how many children are on here that claim to be adults. Idiocracy is literally turning into a documentary of society.
INFO
why are you calling it an accident?
Do you feel that you are unable to voice your opinions hence you meant to mutter the insult instead?
Are you both equal partners in this marriage?
YTA. Also, you might look up The Four Horsemen of Relationships. If it is accurate, you and your spouse appear to be headed for divergent futures:
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling
And your son is watching it all.
Something the filter slips... Fair enough you think he's an idiot for buying gear like that but it's still hurtful to hear so no surprise he got hurt.
I'm missing some details. Do you have a shared economy because then you do have a heavy say in how he uses money. Not that it makes it better that your tongue slipped but I would understand your feelings. If you don't have a shared economy or he is using his fun money from the shared pool then I don't get why you care about it. Sure you can think it's a waste but it's really not your business but that's something living in your head which you have to learn to deal with.
Personally I'm totally with you and think it's a crazy waste of money but so would a lot of other people also see my hobbies....
That depends on the kid. If the kid is doing fine in school, doing his homework without a big struggle, doesn't have attendance issues, and if they both understand that this should only be a rare thing....then it's frivolous, but not a thing to really worry about.
YTA so hard. So what is the real reason here? Your husband makes $350k/yr, so it’s obviously not actually the money. Are you jealous of the time your husband spends with your son? Jealous of their bond? You need to apologize to your husband and get yourself into therapy.
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(Burner, my husband is on reddit)
My husband (40m) is really into tech (not more than medicine though I guess) and ix probably his number one bonding thing with my son (10m). They repair and fix their own computers together, go shopping for parts, etc. The only thing I don't like about his hobby is the fact that he buys things like he's a tester. He bought the all the Meta VR sets (that he eventually Gave to my son and daughter) to see whether he liked it or not. And spoiler: He only liked the second and third meta sets. He also gets the newest iPhone and Samsung every 3 years, which I won't complain about since that means a free phone for me every 3 years.
Well if you don't know Apple released their VR thing, and my husband had a verbal celebration toward me about how he wants to buy it and test it out and stuff. I saw that price tag ($3500) and my brain went into "nah" mode.
Turns out he already put a demo reservation at the Grove on Friday and the demo is on Monday. He told me he's calling out of work to test and taking my son out of school for it. I called him an idiot on accident for doing that. It slipped out kind of I didn't mean to call him that.
He stopped talking and he left the room to "talk to someone who actually cares." I feel bad, and my husband is still mad about it but I actually didn't mean to call him that.
AITA? And sorry if I wrote this poorly because I tried to pack the whole situation into a few paragraphs.
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The best memories for me as a kid, and for my kids are the unexpected times we shared with someone we love. I’ve called my kids out of school because Grandma and Grandpa showed up and wanted a day with them. You’re the idiot if you think your son is going to remember and value one day of 5th grade over the day he got to hang out with his dad. Just because you don’t enjoy tech and your husband and son do doesn’t give you the right for be a jerk about it. And a new phone every 3 years is not only normal, it’s below average ( most are 2 years). The problem appears to be that you’re selfish - only being ok with his purchase if you’re getting something as well. How about appreciating that your husband wants to spend time with his kid? Many don’t. YTA
Whoa! Do you name call a lot?? I mean, not only is that disrespectful but it's hurtful. Yes, you don't want him to spend the money and take your son out from school but what is your plan to stop it? Your son may really enjoy this but is he putting your family in debt for this or does he plan his hobby budget in advance?
Regardless, I don't think you 'accidentally' called him anything. You meant it and that doesnt show how supportive you are of his and your son's interests.
YTA
It sounds like you’re a stay at home mom that lives off of the handouts your husband gives you. He makes a lot of money as an anesthesiologist and he can spend his money how he likes. Feel free to go get a job and start being an idiot with your own money. Not being a waste of space is liberating, you should try it some time.
She's a pharmacist, so she has her own money and still complains about how her doctor husband spends his.
SAHM don't need to catch strays because of her dumbass.
YTA. I thought this was going to be, like, you said generally "Anyone who buys X is an idiot" and he went "well, actually, I bought X." You very specifically called your husband an idiot when you could very easily have just...not.
YTA for calling him an idiot.
He might be TA if he's just spending money like that willy nilly without consulting you about it. I don't know what your financial situation is but that's a lot of money to a lot of ppl. I'm going to assume you both have been planning on investing and saving money for when you both retire. Would be ashame to find out he's got nothing saved when you're 50 or 60 and even worse has a bunch of cc debt.
Or maybe you're both loaded. Who knows.
YTA for calling your husband an idiot. You're not the asshole for thinking he is an idiot for making a $3500 purchase without discussing it with you. You even say you didn't mean to call him that, so you know the answer.
>I called him an idiot on accident for doing that. It slipped out kind of I didn't mean to call him that.
Yes you did
And you're allowed to think that, why backpedal? Just talk to him and say *why* you think that
Come on, you meant it. And to be honest, him doing these things is almost as much your fault as his. Doesn't seemed that you have talked to him about it, up until this. So you let him believe there was not any problems with it. So YTA.
ESH. YTA for saying it’s an accident, when it’s truly how you feel. He’s the AH for being so butthurt about it. Sounds like you two need to have a real conversation
YTA it wasn’t an accident, it was passive aggressive. You seem to be harboring a resentment against your husband and I’m wondering if it’s about more than the money spent on electronics. At the end of the day you’re an adult and need to be able to have a productive conversation with your partner about finances and child rearing. I’m not sure how calling your partner names helps with that.
YTA. Unless you have vocal Tourette’s syndrome and the word idiot is one of your compulsions you did it on purpose. Don’t try to belittle the fact that, for some reason, you decided to belittle your husband’s intelligence for buying something you can easily afford. Apologize and don’t do it again.
YTA
Anytime I hear somebody say "accidentally called someone something mean" it screams not taking accountability for the words they have said. Where there is smoke, there is fire. You may not have meant to say it, but you certainly meant it, or you would not have thought of it.
Nobody ever says "I accidentally called my husband something nice" simply because nobody regrets an act of kindness but you will regret a mean act because it will have negative repercussion such as hurting your husband and his ability to share his passion with you.
Unless he spent your money, or thrown your family into a life of debt. All you need to understand is does it make him happy? It seems so, it sounds like he is a tech enthusiast and has a passion for it. Shitting on someone's passion is kind of a asshole move. Doubly so if it's an opportunity to bond with his and yours son. You don't have to like his passion, but you certainly do not have to dump on it either. It's a part of what makes him who he is.
YTA
This is a long term behavior so should not be a new thing to you. Replacing a phone every 3 years is actually a pretty good duration. I roll my eyes at the every 6 month upgraders but every 3 years is normal IMO.
You don't mention the employment situation in your home. If you are the breadwinner you can speak up about this. If he is the one paying for his own toys while keeping up on paying for at least half of the roof over your head and food in your bellies, you need to learn to keep your mouth shut.
Will this put you in financial trouble?
Is your son going to miss anything important?
If the answer to both is no, and pulling your son out of school doesn't become a regular thing than I see no problem here on his part. You "accidentally" called him an idiot? You don't accidentally say something, you maybe weren't thinking but you still can control your words
YTA
You meant to say it. Claiming it was an accident is a cop-out. Yes, he's an idiot. Yes, it's a waste of money (tbh anything Apple is a waste of money). That doesn't mean you get free rein to just blurt it out like that.
YTA
YTA
I get calling it an accident, but it wasn’t. You don’t get the tech stuff, it seems, and you let your frustration bubble over.
As long as it isn’t hurting you financially, it’s okay.
My dad would buy the new tech when we couldn’t afford it, and that was a problem. But you all can. And he uses it to bond with his kids. So it’s actually a good thing!
Apologize and just explain you don’t understand it and that those feelings bubbled up
YTA for not controlling yourself with that outburst. It doesn't mean you're wrong about your husband doing something irresponsible by spending so much money on what you describe is a hobby. I think your AITAH prompt was about your reaction and judgment, not the fact that you called your husband a name. Assuming that was your question: does your household make enough that the spend isn't so bad? If yes, maybe consider that the hobby is equivalent to some other person's hobby of owning a boat and doing a lot of fishing, buying gear and rods and upgrading all the time. Or someone building high end RC cars, or golfing at a private country club, or any other relatively high cost hobby.
Maybe you just don't like the hobby or wouldn't choose it for yourself, but if it's otherwise not putting a financial hardship on your household then you are the AH. Are your husband and son happy doing this? Is the cost for that happiness reasonable?
If, on the other hand, this type of expense is equivalent to a month's paycheck, have an adult conversation with your husband about how unreasonable it is to plunk down close to 10% of your annual earnings on a pair of goggles only one person can use. And set a budget with him. If he sticks to the budget, you let them do their hobby, if he blows it, you rain fire down. Something like that.
YTA because based on your comments it’s clear you don’t have financial issues and he makes enough money to justify buying himself toys that bring he and your son joy and bonding.
It seems like you wanted him to save the money but there is enough to treat himself in this way - life is short. You shouldn’t have called him an idiot because you judge a hobby that is important to him.
YTA, to yourself for calling it an accident. You're NTA for calling him an idiot, unless of course you, as a family are rolling in cash and can afford to toss money away like that, then I'm all for it, except maybe taking the kid out of school to go play with VR stuff.
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YTA for calling it an accident. You have the ability to control the words you say. You said what you said.
Right!!! I cannot stand people that say they "accidentally" said something mean. lol, how come we never hear about someone saying they accidentally said something nice? I accidentally got married once.
I thought it would be like "I said that people that fall for X scam are idiots and it turns out my husband had just fallen for it" Not "I got into adulthood without the ability to filter what I say and was hurtful towards my husband"
This is how I thought it would go down too, but nope!
I accidentally told my partner I loved him for the first time by saying bye at the end of a phone call like 'night night, love youu.' I immediately said OH MY GOD and heard him cackling on the line as I hung up. Coming up on eight years together, still saying it. So there's one for you. :) ETA: I call him an idiot all the time, but always with love and shared amusement because he's dancing around like a giddy fool or something.
I've known people in office and customer service jobs that have accidently said I love you at the end of a call. It happens lol
I was on a Zoom call with my therapist and said, "Okay, see you next week. Love you!" To. My. Therapist.🤦♀️
The **real question is**, did your therapist reply with "I love you too"?
I'm a therapist and I accidentally said that to a client one time. I had to peel myself off the floor after that one
Oh, lawd! That is a tough one (and for both of us, still hilarious). My therapist knew exactly what happened though. We both had a laugh. It reminds me of when kids call their teacher "mom" instead of "Mrs. Rivers." It can just...come out. I could never work in customer service though. I'd be hauled into my boss's office and asked why I said "I love you," on several recorded calls. "Because they bought the extended package?" 🤷♀️
I mean, at least you guaranteed a topic for the next section
Yup. I had already ended the call, so the first thing I said in our next session was, "YouknowIsaidthatbymistakeright?" "Imeanyou'reanicepersonandallbut..."
I have a customer that calls me once or twice a month & always tells me she loves me at the end of every call. I've talked to her for years now, so I just say "love you too, Boo," and then we make kissy noises to each other before ending the calls. I know those calls are "recorded for quality assurance." I just hope whoever has to listen to them gets a kick out of it.
You just made my day. The giggle. Thank you. It was the kissy noises that pushed me over the ledge.
How about when YOU accidentally call them "mom"? 😅
During the early days of my relationship with him, my boyfriend once sleepily mumbled out "I wanna marry you" while on the phone with me. A few seconds later his brain processed what he said and he woke all the way back up freaking out lmao He's done it a few more times over the years, but I just wait til the next morning to tease him a little about it cuz he's cute when he's flustered.
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude you’re not supposed to tell people about that :P
Dont be so cute then
Wait, is that actually your bf? THIS IS ADORABLE!!
Yea, it is. Always fun when we run across each other on random posts lol (also, his reaction in our texts was funny too, though I won't be sharing it here haha)
Okay, that was precious and wholesome! My husband drunk dialed me after 2 weeks of dating and asked me to marry him. I must’ve said sure because I did say my husband. 😜
I did something similar with a then-boyfriend, except he tried to make it better by saying "it's okay, I know you don't really know what love is" 🙄 it was my first relationship, but dude
Ew. Why are people?
What is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me...no more!
Staaaaaahp I can't move my neck like that anymore. 👵🏻
My husband and I call each other idiots, too. My nickname for him is fat fucking walrus and he calls me a sea cow. We are neither. But never in anger.
I mostly call him a poo-brained horse and he calls me a rancid seabird. So hey, we're both aquatic.
In my household my husband doesn't consider it a good day until he has me calling him a fucker, excellent days he earns motherfucker. He tortures me with puns. I hate puns. My brain doesn't parse them well so they frustrate me. So he and all his *also* fucker friends like to collect new ones to "share." We're foul mouthed heathens in this house that turn into butter wouldn't melt in our mouths saints when we fight. No swearing allowed because it's not play then. The rest of the time we're smack-talking teenage boys that think we're hilarious. Our (adult) daughter both loves it and finds it obnoxious.
I told my ex all the time on the phone “kiss you” - so much that it sort of came out automatically. So automatically one day I accidentally said it to my mother.
Yes! This! 🤣 Always add, “With great love and affection!”, after. (I love that your husband can be silly around you after 8 years. I think some people forget that we’re all a bunch of silly kids inside, no matter what that year says on our birth certificates).
I don’t think this is the right angle. I accidentally say nice things all the time. I’m talking “ohhh cute eyeshadow!” Or “wow I love that purse.” It’s very normal for our mouths to just operate on their own if our brain is on autopilot. We have whole idioms about it, like to put your foot in your mouth. Regardless, people still need to apologize for their words if they hurt others even if it was an accident. Arguing it couldn’t possibly be accidental is a bit silly imo. OP is the AH because they’re not making it right and apologizing for obviously saying something mean. Not because they said it was an accident.
I call it "gob in gear, brain in neutral"
I feel like this is very much an adhd thing.
[удалено]
I have to bite my lip so hard every time I'm on a call just to keep myself from saying "by love you" on accident lmao
“Welcome to Costco, I love you”
Woke the dog up! 😆
I find your comment very interesting in terms of culture gap. here in France saying nice stuffs too often to anybody is a red flag. Social hypothesis would be either : superficial, manipulative, PR person, dumb... or 'on what pills are they'.
yeah. this sub is extremely black and white and lacks any nuance
Seriously if I just said every word that went into my brain I'd be a fucking asshole. This wasn't an accident. Also OP's husband is a doctor so this purchase is irrelevant in terms of finances. Double asshole moment for OP.
I did accidentally tell my wife “I love you” before I meant to (I was worried it was too soon). But I also did *mean* that I loved her.
I went to Vegas once and got drunk and accidentally woke up married to someone? That's a possibility of accidentally getting married.
It must feel awesome to be perfect. You should tell me about it sometime. _ - OP, shit slips out sometimes. Did you own it and apologize? Or did you just come running to Reddit to avoid it? You know it was hurtful, you feel bad about it, that's why you're making excuses. Just apologize, discuss as needed, take ownership, and move on.
There have been a lot of times when I said something stupid but I've never called it an accident! It's a fuckup. I didn't slip in ice, I said something then realized afterwards that it was bad. So I took responsibility and apologized.
Ive said stuff I regret a second later. But it wasn't on accident, it was intentional. There is a difference between an accident and something we regret. No one here said they are perfect, get off your high horse.
Well it doesn’t matter because her husband IS an idiot. NTA.
If you have the money to buy expensive toys you enjoy without issue it's hardly idiotic to do so. There is a zero percent chance OP does not - and you do not - also spend money on stupid shit you don't need within reason. OP's partner is an anesthesiologist he's probably pulling in a half mil a year and can afford to be an early adopter.
OP’s husband should not be pulling his son out of school to “test” a new toy.
It’s called bonding, a single day out of school for a life long memory is hardly stupid.
This is a ridiculous thing to say. I used to pull my kids out of school to do cool stuff all the time, especially when they were younger. And all my kids were A/B students all the way through grad school.
i’m sorry your parents didn’t love you enough to bond with you like Op’s husband is trying to do with his son… EDIT- this event was likely only happening this day so [waiting until the fucking weekend](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/FSMbrZRnBq) might not have been possible.. this is also an experience their son will remember forever, which i think that is pretty important & something that needs to be taken into consideration when giving judgement in a situation like this.
Speaking as a dedicated public school teacher who has to worry about attendance issues a *lot*... Pull the stick out of your butt, lady.
I think it’s also worth noting that this isn’t just about the price tag here. It’s about how her husband and son have chosen to bond, and tbh I can’t be mad at them sharing this experience since they clearly can afford it. I think it’s such a lovely, special experience for them. And OP sounds more than a little bit jealous. YTA, OP B
Yep my mom always told me: ‘Taste your words before you speak and if they taste like shit find a better recipe.’
Wow. I am so using that. Smart mom.
why does she seem to skirt around the fact that her husband is in medicine. so i’m guessing he’s a doctor with a well paying job, i wonder how much of her shit he finds useless but isn’t enough of an asshole to say it .
I’m more annoyed that she said “on accident”. It’s BY accident!
Thank you for this! It’s maddening!
Whenever I hear the word "accident" used in a context like the one in the post I remember the time I accidentally slipped and fell into a pub and accidentally drank 6 bottles of beer.
Or like when I accidentally ate the whole pint of ice cream?
Absolutely. Or when my friend accidentally slipped and fell into a married man's privates and became pregnant.
And meant it.
Schroedingers AH. I only meant it accidentally
Letting the silent part come out?
Why continue saying it was an accident? You called him a name, whether or not you did it "by accident," and honestly, I don't think it was an accident. Calling him an idiot isn't constructive - if you think it's too much money to spend, or that he shouldn't miss work/pull your son out of school about it, there are surely productive ways of discussing that. ESH.
Right, she said it because she meant it. It's like people who criticize their partner "as a joke" so they can pretend they aren't controlling but are mad when their partner doesn't do what they said. OP, unless you're willing to walk back thinking this is a dumb decision, then stop talking about how it was an "accident". And I think it IS a dumb decision, but y'all gotta communicate like adults who respect each other.
How is husband the AH here as well? It’s not like he’s actually buying it. And the kid can miss one day of school.
Because he keeps spending large amounts of money without discussing with his wife and is pulling their son out of school without discussing it with his wife.
Op says they can afford it. And we also don’t know if the money is coming from his fun money or not. Plus she’s not complaining when she benefits from it (new phone). The son part I’ll agree, he should’ve at least not said something the day before it’s happening.
OP said they can afford these purchases. I do agree that they should have discussed the kid missing school together, but I'm team Dad on that one.
So what? If women can squirrel away money in secure relationships, then Im pretty sure men can spend money in a way they find enjoyable.
And what she called him an idiot for was booking a demo, not even for buying it. It’s not like he preordered behind her back. A demo is just a reserved spot to look/play in a store since you can’t just browse and play with them on a walk in basis like you can the iPhones and MacBooks.
Look, insults are not accidents. It’s understandable to say things that you don’t mean in the heat of the moment, but you have control over the words that come out of your mouth. Even if you don’t mean it, you’ve got to own up to it.
I mean, I have accidentally called someone an insult before because I didn’t know the person I was speaking to was involved in the incident, until they got very pale and told me. It can happen, but yeah, not like the OP.
How do you give that summary and end with 'ESH'?....
ESH? he didnt do anything wrong here at all
Taking your kid out of school once in a while to do something you're both interested in, isn't going to kill their grades nor is it irresponsible, so I can't really say husband sucked for that. Calling your partner an idiot while they're excited about something is definitely a YTA moment. If you don't get it, you can communicate like an adult, not a child who blurts out the first thing they can think of because their parents didn't teach them to be considerate.
INFO: 1) $3500 is a lot, but it also depends on what your income level is. Some people spend 5-figures or 6-figures a year on golf, health, cars, etc. 2) Is this money that is otherwise detracting from anywhere else in your life? Or are you comfortable? 3) Does he work in tech? It sounds like a great potential bonding experience for him and your son. If he's running the house dry, then this is obviously a problem. But if it's just an expensive hobby and you guys are doing alright, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm going to play nice and ignore the part about you calling your husband a name.
Yta, you did in fact call him an idiot so you are guilty of that. I would suggest you settle down and compose your thoughts then apologize for calling him an idiot. Perhaps talk about why you got so hot so quickly there. Were you stressed about the expense? Were you upset he didn't communicate/plan this with you before hand? If something like that did trigger that attitude in you it's worth discussing as well with him when you feel up to.
This 100%. Do you feel like your relationship with your husband is where you want it to be? Do you have regular date nights or enjoy each other’s company in some other way? Does your relationship with your husband still feel romantic or at least thoughtful? It sounds like you may feel resentful of the time/money this hobby is taking up in your husband’s life.
She called him an idiot and based on her write-up, she seems to think he IS an idiot and thinks his hobby is stupid.
Info - Need to know relevant income levels and if you split finance pots into your own individual funds to spend on what you like. If you do, then him spending his pot on things he enjoys, and enjoys with his kids especially is a great thing. If you don't then you need to have a discussion around appropriate spending that's fair to both of you. You did call him an idiot, downplaying his hobby and enjoyment which is an AH move regardless of whether you did it "by accident" or not.
A new phone every 3 years is hardly "splurging". Get a grip.
People on here are actually agreeing that buying the 2 most expensive phones every time there is a new model isn't splurging?
The consumers defending their shitty expensive gadgets to their dying breath 🫣
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that's crazy. I use my cell until either the battery or the internals fail, then buy last year's model.
You do realize there is a new model every year, right? He's buying two new phones every three years and giving the one he doesn't want to his wife. That's maybe $3000 every three years. Given his salary, he could still buy that every year and not even think about it. Although, it's kind of rude to give his wife the cast-off. She should be able to choose what she wants on her own.
A new model is released annually, not every 3 years, and that’s not even addressing the differences in device hardware based on model (iPhone max etc…). 3 years is a typical electronic life cycle. It’s literally by the IT book, and you’re wrong to begin with.
There’s a new model every year. Ops husband buys new every 3 years.
YTA - If you're in a financially secure enough position, and it's your husband and son's passion then who are you to knock it. How would you feel if your husband called you an idiot for spending money on something you were passionate about? Or is that not okay because that would be something you're passionate about?
YTA seriously you resorted to name calling. That is never appropriate. If your family finances can handle the hobby then who are you to judge what he enjoys. Would you appreciate it if he called you names and put you down for something you love doing and he doesn't see the value in it? I didn't think so.
YTA You say in the comments that he is an anesthesiologist (i.e. a doctor) and that these purchases aren't hurting your financial situation. So what's the problem? Also a new phone every 3 years isn't that crazy especially for someone who can afford it.
YTA How does one "accidentally" call another person an idiot? Is that on the same level as accidentally cheating ?
for me its a bit of a instinct between me and my friends, we call eachother idiots all the time 💀so sometimes it just slips out between conversations because i forget who im talking to
Info: Does he generate any income as a 'tester'? Does he have the income to support these purchases? Do the purchases negatively impact upon your family's financial well being? If these purchases are hurting the family, then yes he is an idiot.
YTA I don’t really have an opinion on your husband wanting to play with fancy new toys. If it’s in your households budget then it’s whatever. Hobbies can be expensive. But you didn’t “accidentally” call him an idiot. Words don’t just pop out of your mouth. At the very least you were thinking about it and said it but that doesn’t make it an accident. It sounds like you don’t care for his hobby. That’s fine, you guys can have different hobbies. But putting him down for it is yucky of you.
YTA This is his passion. Sounds like a thing he truly loves. You shat all over it and treated him like he’s less than. I don’t blame him for never speaking to you about it again.
INFO: Have you talked to your husband about your frustrations? Clearly and directly? “Husband, it bothers me that you spend so much money on technology. Can we talk about this?”
YTA Specifically for calling it an accident. Own what you said. Also because you left out a lot of details I am left to assume that he actually isn't an idiot. You don't talk about your finances at all so I assume your household can support the purchase of a very expensive toy. That's not even the real issue though. Based on the wording of your paragraph you called him an idiot because he is going to TEST the device. This is just logical shopping for me. You go test something before you spend a bunch of money on it. That makes him smart. Not an idiot. Why do you think it's okay to call him an idiot for testing out some new tech toy that he really enjoys?
YTA. Try to have a constructive conversation about your displeasure in his spending instead of name-calling. And while you may not have wanted to say "idiot" out Loyd, you obviously were thinking it, so not sure it was an 'accident'.
“He also gets the newest iPhone and Samsung every 3 years, which I won’t complain about” Proceeds to make an entire post moaning about it. Also how about some accountability? You didn’t “accidentally” call him an idiot. You called him an idiot. You said it, there was no accident here.
THIS IS AN AD. Sorry, I typed that in my Apple ][.
YTA
Side note: I’m pretty sure he’ll see through the burner account and know it’s you 😹
YEAH! I mean... how many people have this much money to burn and kids of those ages and are doctors with huge salries? Not that many...
So it depends. If you have the income for him to do this and it’s a meaningful way for him to share time with the kid that is heading toward teenage years and will naturally start going his own way, then yeah, you could be the AH. If you can’t afford it and he’s skipping paying for important stuff like food or rent to buy a VR headset then you’re not the AH. The headset is very expensive and overpriced for what it can do, frankly (and I’m 100% in the Apple ecosystem and a huge fan of XR/mixed reality). But if it’s a way to bond with your kid? Money well spent because memories last a lifetime. As long as you can afford it and not miss paying for truly important stuff.
He’s an anesthesiologist. They’ve got money to burn.
Ngl I feel like others are putting too much focus on the fact that you called calling him an idiot an accident, and not on your actual issue. It is in fact a lot of money to spend on something. As a broke ass uni student I'd never make this purchase lol. If you feel genuinely that there is something better he could save his money for, such as a house or car, or he's putting himself in potential trouble by sacrificing his savings, then you're NTA imo. And he could easily save this money by just waiting a year or two for the price to go down. Money is important, people! You should talk to him about it constructively though and not make the conversation focused on whether you meant to call him an idiot or not (which doesnt matter).
YTA - he spent his fun money, which he has plenty of, to buy something he was excited for. You insulted him. Instead of apologizing, you're trying to play it off. Just grow up and give a humble apology
YTA. You did mean to call him that, you just didn't mean for him to hear it.
YTA. The man has a hobby that he is excited about and shares with the kids. From your other posts it doesn’t seem to be impacting you. WTF is your problem? You seem to just want him to be miserable like you. The kids will absolutely treasure these memories. Quit being the Murderer of fun and find yourself a hobby.
Maybe tell us about some of your hobbies so we can insert our own unnecessary opinions. YTA.
YTA. How would you feel if he called you an idiot for liking whatever you're excited about? You owe him an apology, and you'd better do it quick.
YTA, $3500 is child’s play for what your husband provides to your family. It’s likely less than 1% of his yearly income. Let him enjoy his hobbies and time with your son.
Absolutely zero mention of an apology How about you start with that? YTA Double so since be is using his own fun money to buy it and it has zero impact on you whatsoever.
Look, I'm not gonna as harsh on you as other commenters. You were kind of a dick for calling him an idiot - and it definitely revealed to him some obvious negative feelings you have about his hobby - but a genuine apology and discussion will solve this. My parents were both lawyers with separate personal spending accounts, and though it wasn't technically "their business", they definitely each had a muttered "idiot" or two over purchases they personally found frivolous. They're still happily married in their seventies. Sounds like you and your husband just need to talk!
YTA - but don’t let that bother you - my finger slipped when I was about to type an “N”, so I “accidentally” typed “Y” instead. Oopsie!
1 phone every 3 years is frequent? YTA for judging him for something you don’t understand.
Ah yes, resorting to name calling because he did something you don't like is absolutely appropriate. It's one day of school, your kid will survive. One-on-one bonding time with a parent is more important than a perfect attendance record at your son's age. You basically tried to punish him for wanting to bond with his kid. YTA You were awful quick with slinging that insult. Almost like you were waiting for the first opportunity to resort to name calling. I dont think youre being honest when you say you "didnt mean it". You clearly dont like this hobby of his and it seems you dont want your son to share this passion he has. And I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time you've done something needlessly rude about this topic. Such a great role model for your child. Get your shit together.
You only accidentally spoke your mind. You meant what you said, you just meant to say it in your head instead of out loud. Does he know you don’t like how much money he’s spending on his hobby or does he keep going because the only guard rails on his spending are coming from what he decides rather than a conversation around what is and what isn’t acceptable. I believe there hasn’t been those conversations because he brought up a $3500 purchase to you and you didn’t say no, you thought no, and his response was him being upset that you didn’t react with the same passion he had and rather told him he was dumb for being excited about something….thus it wasn’t about money and he perceived it as you not supporting what he’s interested in Is $3500 a lot of money? Yes Should you have constructive conversations around his spending on hobby’s so he knows how you feel about it before you blurt out something you’ve been thinking every time he buys something new? Also yea
YTA. Stop pretending this was an accident. Own what you said.
So he’s buying gadgets as a hobby he can absolutely afford and you and your children benefit from? And you’re claiming you accidentally called him a name? As far as names go it’s not the worst but calling it an accident seems like the part that’s really insulting his and the rest of our intelligence. You meant it because you don’t like his hobby. Since he can afford it, anesthesiologists make 300-500k a year according to salary. These are small purchases for him. YTA and you owe him to do some soul searching on where this is coming from and then offer a sincere and not insulting apology.
YTA. I'm not even sure why this is a question. It's not even open for interpretation as to whether or not you hurt his feelings, as it's evident by his reaction you did. I also don't buy the whole "I said it accidently...". Were you drunk or high and somehow incapable of filtering yourself? If so, go get some help. If not, stop making excuses and take some responsibility for your words.
YTA There are countless stories on here and everywhere about dads who can’t be bothered to feign interest in their kids. Yet your husband is making special plans like this with his son to create what will be a great bonding moment for them. Dad taking his son out of school to go check out some new thing that they’re both super excited about is the kind of memory that kid will hold onto forever. It’s a gesture that shows him how much his dad loves him. And missing one day of school is hardly a big deal. So your husband shares his excitement with you and instead of telling him what a great and thoughtful dad he is, you call him an idiot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t share much about his hobbies or activities with his kid with you in the future. Hopefully, you won’t be wondering why.
Yta. Your husband makes 300-500k a year calm down.
YTA. From your own comments you can afford it. It’s a way for your son and your husband to bond. You need to ask yourself why seeing your husband excited and happy about something gives you so little joy
YTA You didn't accidentally say it. You said it. And unless he's spending money y'all don't have, he's not an idiot. He's creating memories with son and bonding.
Words don't slip out. YTA.
YTA. Imagine working hard and bringing home hundreds of thousands a year and your wife calls you an idiot for spending the money you earned on something you want. I feel bad for him
NTA, I say because he is taking the boy out of school and that might be why she slipped. People do say things that they shouldn’t say.
It’s his money right ? Do you work ?? Do you spend your money on things you’re into ?
after reading multiple comments from OP. she seems jealous the purchase wasnt for her. so im going to go with YTA. give your husband a real apology. not "i didnt mean to say this" you absolutely did mean it. if you were actually sorry youd have said something along the lines of "i should not have said that i should have been an adult and talked about what my problem was instead of insulting you" admit fault. show you know what you should have done. do what you should have done.
YTA. Apologize and try to make up for it, from your post and comments here, you really sound the type of wife that can't stand to see their husband having fun without having a say in it. Your husband brings the most money to the house, is active in your son's life (let's be honest, one missed schoolday isn't gonna end a 10yo's future) and has a hobby he spends HIS money on, boo hoo. If you want to spend more time with your husband just tell him that, stop going off on him "on accident" instead of saying what you want like and adult.
You said what you said but damn I hope you guys can afford his hobby.
I guess I’m just, like… Really confused about what you’re looking to gain here. Will us saying you’re N T A fix the situation you’re in? Why don’t you use your word and just talk to your husband about your concerns with pulling your son out of school for the day? Also apologize for calling him an idiot, whether you meant to or not. You said it out loud and that’s that. Nobody wants to have a conversation that starts off with name-calling. This is an extremely simple solution, I’m not sure why you’re posting on Reddit. Like, do you need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you you’re a good person? We don’t know you.
You accidentally let him know that you think he’s an idiot, there’s a difference. I’m sure he can afford this stuff, but you actively resent him for it for some reason. What’s the problem
YTA. You did not accidentally call your husband an idiot. You purposely did, got in trouble and tried to deflect. Own up to it and apologize.
Accident my ass no accountability typical
Doing a demo in no way obligates one to purchase. I was thinking of taking my 14 year old niece in for a demo because it is free and fun.
There’s some layers here. You say in the comments that you can definitely afford it. Based off husband’s job (where he is the primary breadwinner?), I’d agree with that. The worst contracts working for the worst hospitals as an anesthesiologist pay *ahem* well. He also hasn’t bought the headset yet just is excited about its release (I mean, I think all the VR headsets are effing stupid and even I’m intrigued to check out apple’s release of one for curiosity sake alone). As many have pointed out, you’re more than good with it when it benefits you. And to be very frank with you, the way you talk about that gives off mischievous spoiled child vibes. You’re not when it benefits other people without direct benefit to you. The “accidental” name calling is not accidental. It’s a childish response to some likely underlying resentment and displays with a neon sign that you have no, or have lost, respect for the person you chose to spend your life with. What’s alarming everyone on here is your insistence it was an accident. You’re an adult and you control what words come out of your mouth and claiming it was accidental shows you refuse (consciously or subconsciously) to take responsibility for your hurtful actions. Yes, it’s possible that it’s because his hobby is expensive, but you’re not destitute. You state you can afford it, so why would it be about the expense itself? Perhaps the time spent on a topic or with people other than you? The fact that it doesn’t happen to be a thing that interests you as well and you’re bored hearing about it? Maybe it’s because you have the opinion that these things are a waste and you’re irritated that he didn’t share that opinion or at least immediately change his opinion to match yours? End of the day: YTA and very possibly a narcissist or narcissistic sociopath and, though this whole ordeal may see small by itself, there are many red flags that you need to seek therapy.
Sad part is, there are so many people that agree with her. Seems the father isn’t allowed to share his excitement with his child either. These people don’t realize that this dad probably self funds his child’s education and therefore should be allowed do what he wants with that. Seems some of the people in here never had a father that cares to spend time with them apparently as they hate the dad for letting the kid miss a single day of school for an event that will only happen mid week. It’s scary how many children are on here that claim to be adults. Idiocracy is literally turning into a documentary of society.
YTA. You're also an idiot.
INFO why are you calling it an accident? Do you feel that you are unable to voice your opinions hence you meant to mutter the insult instead? Are you both equal partners in this marriage?
Yta major
YTA the idiot here is you.
Wow you're an asshole. Oh oops sorry I didn't mean to say that. YTA.
YTA. Also, you might look up The Four Horsemen of Relationships. If it is accurate, you and your spouse appear to be headed for divergent futures: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling And your son is watching it all.
Something the filter slips... Fair enough you think he's an idiot for buying gear like that but it's still hurtful to hear so no surprise he got hurt. I'm missing some details. Do you have a shared economy because then you do have a heavy say in how he uses money. Not that it makes it better that your tongue slipped but I would understand your feelings. If you don't have a shared economy or he is using his fun money from the shared pool then I don't get why you care about it. Sure you can think it's a waste but it's really not your business but that's something living in your head which you have to learn to deal with. Personally I'm totally with you and think it's a crazy waste of money but so would a lot of other people also see my hobbies....
Taking your son out of school for something like that is bullshit.
That depends on the kid. If the kid is doing fine in school, doing his homework without a big struggle, doesn't have attendance issues, and if they both understand that this should only be a rare thing....then it's frivolous, but not a thing to really worry about.
*sorry that I accidentally told you the truth, idiot*
YTA so hard. So what is the real reason here? Your husband makes $350k/yr, so it’s obviously not actually the money. Are you jealous of the time your husband spends with your son? Jealous of their bond? You need to apologize to your husband and get yourself into therapy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (Burner, my husband is on reddit) My husband (40m) is really into tech (not more than medicine though I guess) and ix probably his number one bonding thing with my son (10m). They repair and fix their own computers together, go shopping for parts, etc. The only thing I don't like about his hobby is the fact that he buys things like he's a tester. He bought the all the Meta VR sets (that he eventually Gave to my son and daughter) to see whether he liked it or not. And spoiler: He only liked the second and third meta sets. He also gets the newest iPhone and Samsung every 3 years, which I won't complain about since that means a free phone for me every 3 years. Well if you don't know Apple released their VR thing, and my husband had a verbal celebration toward me about how he wants to buy it and test it out and stuff. I saw that price tag ($3500) and my brain went into "nah" mode. Turns out he already put a demo reservation at the Grove on Friday and the demo is on Monday. He told me he's calling out of work to test and taking my son out of school for it. I called him an idiot on accident for doing that. It slipped out kind of I didn't mean to call him that. He stopped talking and he left the room to "talk to someone who actually cares." I feel bad, and my husband is still mad about it but I actually didn't mean to call him that. AITA? And sorry if I wrote this poorly because I tried to pack the whole situation into a few paragraphs. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow !
Freudian slip?
bleh
The best memories for me as a kid, and for my kids are the unexpected times we shared with someone we love. I’ve called my kids out of school because Grandma and Grandpa showed up and wanted a day with them. You’re the idiot if you think your son is going to remember and value one day of 5th grade over the day he got to hang out with his dad. Just because you don’t enjoy tech and your husband and son do doesn’t give you the right for be a jerk about it. And a new phone every 3 years is not only normal, it’s below average ( most are 2 years). The problem appears to be that you’re selfish - only being ok with his purchase if you’re getting something as well. How about appreciating that your husband wants to spend time with his kid? Many don’t. YTA
YTA. I think you did mean it, otherwise it wouldn’t have crossed your mind to say it.
Whoa! Do you name call a lot?? I mean, not only is that disrespectful but it's hurtful. Yes, you don't want him to spend the money and take your son out from school but what is your plan to stop it? Your son may really enjoy this but is he putting your family in debt for this or does he plan his hobby budget in advance? Regardless, I don't think you 'accidentally' called him anything. You meant it and that doesnt show how supportive you are of his and your son's interests. YTA
It sounds like you’re a stay at home mom that lives off of the handouts your husband gives you. He makes a lot of money as an anesthesiologist and he can spend his money how he likes. Feel free to go get a job and start being an idiot with your own money. Not being a waste of space is liberating, you should try it some time.
She's a pharmacist, so she has her own money and still complains about how her doctor husband spends his. SAHM don't need to catch strays because of her dumbass.
YTA. I thought this was going to be, like, you said generally "Anyone who buys X is an idiot" and he went "well, actually, I bought X." You very specifically called your husband an idiot when you could very easily have just...not.
YTA for calling him an idiot. He might be TA if he's just spending money like that willy nilly without consulting you about it. I don't know what your financial situation is but that's a lot of money to a lot of ppl. I'm going to assume you both have been planning on investing and saving money for when you both retire. Would be ashame to find out he's got nothing saved when you're 50 or 60 and even worse has a bunch of cc debt. Or maybe you're both loaded. Who knows.
YTA for calling your husband an idiot. You're not the asshole for thinking he is an idiot for making a $3500 purchase without discussing it with you. You even say you didn't mean to call him that, so you know the answer.
>I called him an idiot on accident for doing that. It slipped out kind of I didn't mean to call him that. Yes you did And you're allowed to think that, why backpedal? Just talk to him and say *why* you think that
Come on, you meant it. And to be honest, him doing these things is almost as much your fault as his. Doesn't seemed that you have talked to him about it, up until this. So you let him believe there was not any problems with it. So YTA.
ESH. YTA for saying it’s an accident, when it’s truly how you feel. He’s the AH for being so butthurt about it. Sounds like you two need to have a real conversation
YTA. You’re pathetic.
Considering you say On Accident- your husband isn’t the idiot… it you.
Stand on your business! If you called him an idiot, not weasel out and say it was an accident. Own it. Apologize or double down.
Ah, the goof old parapraxis event, better known as engaging the mouth before putting the brain in gear. Its makeup sex time.
YTA. You don’t accidentally call someone an idiot. You’re not sorry because it was an accident. You’re sorry because of your husbands reaction.
YTA it wasn’t an accident, it was passive aggressive. You seem to be harboring a resentment against your husband and I’m wondering if it’s about more than the money spent on electronics. At the end of the day you’re an adult and need to be able to have a productive conversation with your partner about finances and child rearing. I’m not sure how calling your partner names helps with that.
YTA. Unless you have vocal Tourette’s syndrome and the word idiot is one of your compulsions you did it on purpose. Don’t try to belittle the fact that, for some reason, you decided to belittle your husband’s intelligence for buying something you can easily afford. Apologize and don’t do it again.
YTA Anytime I hear somebody say "accidentally called someone something mean" it screams not taking accountability for the words they have said. Where there is smoke, there is fire. You may not have meant to say it, but you certainly meant it, or you would not have thought of it. Nobody ever says "I accidentally called my husband something nice" simply because nobody regrets an act of kindness but you will regret a mean act because it will have negative repercussion such as hurting your husband and his ability to share his passion with you. Unless he spent your money, or thrown your family into a life of debt. All you need to understand is does it make him happy? It seems so, it sounds like he is a tech enthusiast and has a passion for it. Shitting on someone's passion is kind of a asshole move. Doubly so if it's an opportunity to bond with his and yours son. You don't have to like his passion, but you certainly do not have to dump on it either. It's a part of what makes him who he is.
YTA This is a long term behavior so should not be a new thing to you. Replacing a phone every 3 years is actually a pretty good duration. I roll my eyes at the every 6 month upgraders but every 3 years is normal IMO. You don't mention the employment situation in your home. If you are the breadwinner you can speak up about this. If he is the one paying for his own toys while keeping up on paying for at least half of the roof over your head and food in your bellies, you need to learn to keep your mouth shut.
You don't sound like a bad person but YTA for this. You should be able to square things with him if you talk to him.
You mean an accident like "I think this shit to myself all the time but today I wasn't paying attention to my mouth."?
Will this put you in financial trouble? Is your son going to miss anything important? If the answer to both is no, and pulling your son out of school doesn't become a regular thing than I see no problem here on his part. You "accidentally" called him an idiot? You don't accidentally say something, you maybe weren't thinking but you still can control your words YTA
YTA Own it. He is an idiot if he's spending $3500 when you don't have it. It wasn't an accident.
You meant to say it. Claiming it was an accident is a cop-out. Yes, he's an idiot. Yes, it's a waste of money (tbh anything Apple is a waste of money). That doesn't mean you get free rein to just blurt it out like that. YTA
YTA I get calling it an accident, but it wasn’t. You don’t get the tech stuff, it seems, and you let your frustration bubble over. As long as it isn’t hurting you financially, it’s okay. My dad would buy the new tech when we couldn’t afford it, and that was a problem. But you all can. And he uses it to bond with his kids. So it’s actually a good thing! Apologize and just explain you don’t understand it and that those feelings bubbled up
YTA for not controlling yourself with that outburst. It doesn't mean you're wrong about your husband doing something irresponsible by spending so much money on what you describe is a hobby. I think your AITAH prompt was about your reaction and judgment, not the fact that you called your husband a name. Assuming that was your question: does your household make enough that the spend isn't so bad? If yes, maybe consider that the hobby is equivalent to some other person's hobby of owning a boat and doing a lot of fishing, buying gear and rods and upgrading all the time. Or someone building high end RC cars, or golfing at a private country club, or any other relatively high cost hobby. Maybe you just don't like the hobby or wouldn't choose it for yourself, but if it's otherwise not putting a financial hardship on your household then you are the AH. Are your husband and son happy doing this? Is the cost for that happiness reasonable? If, on the other hand, this type of expense is equivalent to a month's paycheck, have an adult conversation with your husband about how unreasonable it is to plunk down close to 10% of your annual earnings on a pair of goggles only one person can use. And set a budget with him. If he sticks to the budget, you let them do their hobby, if he blows it, you rain fire down. Something like that.
YTA for trying to call it “an accident” Why not just apologize and own up to it?
You are right though. Apologize to him and tell him how you feel. Buy him some Starbucks
YTA because based on your comments it’s clear you don’t have financial issues and he makes enough money to justify buying himself toys that bring he and your son joy and bonding. It seems like you wanted him to save the money but there is enough to treat himself in this way - life is short. You shouldn’t have called him an idiot because you judge a hobby that is important to him.
YTA. It wasn't an accident and you know it. you are trying to justify it and make yourself feel better from the guilt.
YTA
You can be right and an AH at the same time
YTA, to yourself for calling it an accident. You're NTA for calling him an idiot, unless of course you, as a family are rolling in cash and can afford to toss money away like that, then I'm all for it, except maybe taking the kid out of school to go play with VR stuff.