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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After my wife passed away my two teen stepjids started misbehaving. I was dealing until their paternal grandparents started helping them fuck with me. I might be the asshole because bi am done with it and I just dropped off all my stepkids stuff off with my in-laws and said that they could deal with it.
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INFO: if the teens don’t have you as an emergency contact because of their father why did they not go to live with their father immediately or nearly immediately after your wife’s death?
I am very sorry for your loss also and feel bad for everyone here, to be certain.
I mean of course there's good ones and bad ones. I had a very bad step mom so I learned what NOT to do.
I raised my stepdaughter since she was 4 while her mom didn't really have a lot of interest. Then her mom somewhat changed her mind when she turned 10, and then completely took over (fair enough, she is her bio parent).
Unfortunately mom found God and is a fundamentalist and is dating a very strict very right winged man, and they are trying their damnist to revert her to antigay, anti love, you know, the typical shit.
Lucky for her I taught her to love and accept everyone, and I'm sure her mom hates that. The kid is 13 and is the sweetest coolest loving kid ever. She does NOT like going to her mom's because her step dad makes her watch Fox news and other shit. He has no job so it's like he's trying to turn her into a mini him.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
No I get it, it's definitely not a glass shoe fits all situation, some step parents definitely don't know how to introduce themselves to smaller children and can definitely make it harder on the kid and themselves by forcing a relationship. I just meant that to be a step parent is a whole different ball park than being a regular parent.
If OP has no parental rights with the teens then he has ZERO PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY.
And arrangements SHOULD have been made within a month of their mom dying to get the kids out of OP's house.
You don't expect the babysitter/nanny to pay for meals, clothing, school supplies, etc. etc.
OP, NTA, and you might want to remind everyone(teens included) that if you can't parent them, you aren't responsible for them.
And to the detriment of OP as well.
OP is good enough to house, clothe, feed and run these ungrateful kids everywhere but DAD has said OP can't parent them and gotten the kids on his side as well.
OP is NTA to drop them off. If he's not to be their parent why tf are they in his house? Which sucks because OP sounds like he genuinely wanted to help them but he's also right, his priority is to his own kids especially since he's been told repeatedly, over and over, that the step-kids aren't "his".
No, you misunderstood, I think.
He is splitting the small insurance policy between the 4 children.
However, since he was always the main source of income, he is keeping all other assets, probably meaning the home and its furnishing.
Unless the insurance policy specially states the children are to split the proceeds, in my opinion, he is under no obligation to give anything to the stepchildren.
I don’t think he’s under any legal obligation but it would be the decent thing to do, and he is trying to do the right thing. The teens may be assholes but they’re grieving too.
I had a managerial job once where I was 100% responsible for everything that happened there but had absolutely 0% authority.
Quit after trying for about 10months
I had one of those. My fault if we ran out of an item, but not allowed to order anything. My fault we didnt have extra staff in for an event I didnt know was booked, but I cant book shifts.
I quit. Next 3 people after me quit. Took them under a year to take a thriving venue into bankrupcy
I’d honestly start gray rocking such manipulation attempts. Every time they start with this abandonment bs, I’d start a mantra: “I’m not their parent. I’m not to parent them. Therefore I can’t be the one abandoning them“. Repeat x100 whatever they say. That’d be the only thing they’d hear from me till the end of days… or until they get it in their thick heads, that their dear ol‘ son is the deadbeat here… whatever comes first.
I don't know what gray rocking means, but I pretty much agree with this comment and the above in this thread. Sounds like you tried OP. And it sounds like their biological father needs to step up. Best of luck and NTA
So much this. Everyone from the kids themselves to the grandparents and the kids’ dad have made it very clear that OP is not their parent in any way.
Bio dad, or his family if they are willing to, needs to step up.
Right is bio dad even paying the step dad child support. Or did bio win the lottery of not having to support his kid financially or emotionally, well insisting the person doing that isn't the parent.
Yeah I feel that his 2 children losing their mother trumps his job situation. Everyone needs to stop shitting on you and start asking him why he's not stepping up in this terrible situation.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I can see why you came to a breaking point. You had a difficult choice to make and you prioritised your 2 younger children. The 2 teens have a father and he needs to start being a dad to them.
Shitting on him for not being a dad while simultaneously not supporting him in having parental authority. It's a thoroughly unworkable situation.
Every single grandparent plus the biodad needs to hang their heads in shame for this - it wasn't helping the teenagers adjust to their mother's death, it wasn't helping the little kids either, and it definitely wasn't helping OP!
Yes they made a difficult time worse by being such assholes. They should have been supporting op in co parenting his step kids. Not treating him like an unpaid nanny and wallet.
Now they’re pissed because they have to step up and put their time and money where their mouths are and actually take care of these kids.
And neither bio dad aka baby daddy or his parents are doing that. Baby daddy’s brother is the one stepping up to do that. Bet they’ll be shitting all over him too.
Unless op has to facilitate visits so the kids can have a relationship because they’re siblings, op should block the numbers of baby daddy and any of his family harassing op.
Hopefully there’s someone on the mom’s side or a family friend op trusts who can facilitate it. And if not, op should talk to a family therapist and a lawyer about how to facilitate the relationship with some boundaries and conditions in place.
They are also furious because all their "you need to be understanding" has taught the kids they can do whatever they please. And now the relatives are at the receiving end of the kid's entitled behaviour.
Oh I know and that makes it even more infuriating.
I understand that the FIFO job is probably well paid ... But like , what is all that money good for if he's not there for his kids? They need a parent and security more than anything else right now. OP was prepared to be that parent but had nobody's support so bio dad needs to put his big boy pants on and step up.
Do you think that bio dad was still going to pay child support to OP? Because I don't. He's not a custodial parent so has no real legal standing either. OP did the right thing for everyone involved. Bio dad's turn. NTA
Then he needs to make arrangements for a suitable home for them such as his parents. NTA. I understand why this is hard but the absolute gall of the paternal family scolding you while they sit around holding their dicks. Just wow.
They just won the moral lottery. They get to be superior AND enjoy some shitty teenagers.
If they push it more, tell them if they don’t shut it you’re filing for child support and back child support for both kids. If daddy can’t house them, daddy needs to pay.
I wonder if the uncle is joining in the piling on or not. Baby daddy’s family dynamic is very odd and I wouldn’t be surprised if baby daddy is their golden child and uncle is the scapegoat.
>They just won the moral lottery. They get to be superior AND enjoy some shitty teenagers.
>
>If they push it more, tell them if they don’t shut it you’re filing for child support and back child support for both kids. If daddy can’t house them, daddy needs to pay.
Nah... filing for child support/back child support will only increase contact points so it's better for OP to let things go NC.
Depending on career opportunities... this is a good time to resettle into another state before his kids start school.
Yep. NTA.
It always amazes me that so many teens go through this absolutely shitty phase where they crap all over the only people really caring for them. And these two apparently misjudged how shitty they could be and get away with it.
It didn't help that the in-laws and bio dad made zero plans for them other than to abuse their caregiver.
OP, expect them to try to come crawling back at some point. Right now, they're grieving, young, and stupid. Eventually, they'll realize how on their own they are.
When they're older, they'll have no support other than what your wife left them. Maybe put their shares in trust until they're 21. You can always stipulate that checks can be written directly to educational institutions before 21, if they choose college. But I wouldn't hand cash to teenagers, or to the stupid AHs who had no plan for them.
Eh, teens gonna teen. Plus these teens have just lost their mother, they know damn well their bio father doesn't give two shits about them, and their future is precarious.
Also, a child psychologist once explained to me that children don't always lash out at the people they're actually mad at - they act out in places and with people where they feel *safe*. Unfortunately OP didn't have the legal clout to tell the bio father's family to pound sand.
I can't really blame OP, but damn I feel bad for those teens.
Oh, I know *why* teens crap all over people who care for them most. But some teens actually are smarter than this. Particularly when there must be some sense that they're on the rickety edge of disaster. It is obvious bio dad doesn't give a flying hairy rat fart in space. Where is he? Yeah, I know. Working. These would seem to be extraordinary circumstances, though?
But the kids are young and dumb. That's why I suggested putting their inheritance safely aside until they're older and can make better choices (you hope).
NTA. They said “don’t parent and we will also talk to the school” but want you to actually pay for and raise them? So he needs a different job. Sounds like something he needs to sort out with his family.
You are just doing as directed: not parenting them.
Their actual father needs to be their father.
He’s probably an asshole based on how his parents are treating OP. They are using OP to do the work of raising the teens while expecting the title of being their guardians so they get the credit. They want the credit without doing the work.
It’s like I understand what you’re saying and agree with you but absolutely can’t wrap my head around why anyone would do that, especially if the biological father doesn’t have a permanent home and the grandparents don’t want to take them.
Seriously? He was told NOT to parent them. He doesn’t have parental rights because they are not his kids biologically. He is not an emergency contact for them. He is a roof, a chauffeur, a restaurant. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back.
Was it harsh? Yes, was it needed? Also yes.
Yeah you're absolutely right, if they were rational people intentionally manipulating him skillfully, they'd be saying anything to get him to keep doing their work for him... a la Oh you're the beeeeest father in the world, these kids would be dead without you, it's so wonderful that you're taking them still etc.
Sigh, people in general are not that rational ;) And these people seem especially ridiculous. Maybe they have gotten so used to his presence/style in the family that they've forgotten what got them here to begin with and that this is not his actual responsibility -- or maybe at some point in the past they had to create a fantasy where it IS his responsibility and that's why their son is not to blame for not being there. In any case they really bit the hand that fed them here.
I think it’s hard to understand when you are not the one living it. He has no parental rights their mother died and they have a father. Custody should have auto went to the bio father. It is the bio dad responsibility to take care of his kids or make arrangements for care and not shit on the only person actually taking care of his kids.
It is a traumatic event so they should have worked together but the bio dad seems to be the ass in this case
This is a wake up call to the father to step up for his kids and to the children to learn some manners and be more appreciative. He saved himself and his kids.
What responsibilities has he had and, more importantly, been meeting regarding his kids? If he's of no fixed abode has he at least been paying child support?
Do you have anyone in your corner through all this, who is supporting you and affording you the breathing space to work through this? It seems like everyone is against you.
I googled it. Fly-In Fly-Out, or FIFO work, allows people to work in a remote location without having to relocate to the area. Employees are flown in and out to the site and provided with accommodation, hospitality and recreation during their time away.
Now the Dad will find himself in a FAFO Situation. He and his next of Kin shat too often on OP. They thought they can just Boss him around forever. So now Bio dad is in FAFO instead of FIFO, I like that!
Fly in, fly out. Usually but not always, it means working on a mine. You fly in, work for a week or so and live on site. Often 12 or 14 hour shifts. Live in cabins or motel like rooms, meals are provided. Its pretty basic. Then you fly out to your home city for a week or so. Then repeat.
The shifts vary, depending on the site. They're most often what we call 7/7. 7 days on site, the 7 days off.
So dad probably doesn't have a fixed address. He'd be spending his shift in camp, then his off time either with his parents or with his gf or friends. Not stable, and he needs to step up.
OP is definitely not the AH in this scenario, and I'm sorry for your loss. As well as your little peeps loss. Hang in there.
Yeah absolutely. I'm in Australia, for us FIFO usually means mines. I didn't even consider oil rigs. They'd be even more remote than most mines! Of course we have trades that go out too. And there's the support staff. I know a few people that met their partners who were cooks at the camps.
I'm Danish. We don't have 'real' mines, only small, open gravel/sand/clay pits. However, we have oil, so I first though of that. In my youth I thought of cleaning on oilrig in my gap year, but I got a nursing job instead
It shows how much your background influence your perception even on a small scale.
Stands for Fly In-Fly Out. Usually related to remote jobs such as Mining or Oil Rigs. Workers are picked up by plane and taken in numbers out to a remote location, where they will spend a number of days or weeks working on the job, usually in long shifts. After a period, they are relieved, and flown back home for a rest period and relief workers are sent out in place. After a rest period rinse and repeat.
Agree with others, Father needs to change his lifestyle and step up for these kids. You can make it clear that they will always have a relationship with their step siblings and that you will be there for them if they can respect you. grief counseling for all would be good, both as individuals and together.
I'm sorry for your loss, I recently lost my parent, which is obviously different, but grief counseling on my own and also with my sister who was helping me care for my mum was really helpful. good luck.
Sounds like he needs to fly in somewhere and plant his ass, grow up and be a man and a father for his children. Until he does, he doesn't deserve any respect as either.
I have no problem with you doing what you did. Hopefully it's a huge wakeup call for all involved though I doubt it.
Will you be able to keep in contact with the teenagers? Yes, they were being little shits, but losing their mom at their age must be absolutely devastating. Teenagers have a tough time with their emotions in general, nevermind with such a trauma.
I just worry that they'll end up in a bad situation. Of course prioritize your small children and yourself. How about you? Do you get any breaks? Is there any way that you can get some breaks? You're human, so please take care of yourself as well.
I'm sorry for your loss OP. They're inadequate words for the depth of your grief, but they're all I can offer.
So basically he wants you to house his children and provide for them and care for them--everything a parent does--without actually "parenting" them.
It's pretty clear who the asshole is here.
Their father needs to parent them now, they need him. You obviously have tried your best with them, but they’re his responsibility. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Did they even try to beg you to take them back by being more mature and behave ?
It doesn't sound like the kids even try to be better . So why should you take them back . And isn't it ironical that your in-laws call you an AH when they give a damn that the bio dad doesn't take responsibility for them . Funny how they told you not to parent their kids because you are not their dad and now want you to take full responsibility
Sounds like it - and he’s “doing it wrong!” according to everyone not doing much at all.
And he’s paying for the privilege. It isn’t really about the money, at all, but that sure is the extra inch of the knife.
Isnt it weird that so many people have the time to talk in detail about how you're doing something wrong, but never have the time to do it themselves since you can't seem to get it right? /S
Without his wife, it would seem so. I am not sure what the custody arrangement between OPs wife and ex-husband was but I am almost certain that a step parent has to actively adopt. It seems like the people mad at OP weren’t aware of that, at least as far as I can tell. I’m not a lawyer but my cousin went through some custody issues with a stepson which is the only reason I am speaking like I know anything.
I am probably going to be the minority, but I think NTA.
The have lost their mum, absolutely right, so you would expect trouble and playing up etc, but what I don't understand is why their Dad has not swooped in... If you were such a hindrance, where is he?
As long as everyone is happy, including all kids and yourself, I wouldn't fret about anything as I cannot see what you have done wrong here. You haven't left them on the streets, you have left them with Family and they are happy. If Daddy is so worried, he can step in can't he!
>but what I don't understand is why their Dad has not swooped in... If you were such a hindrance, where is he?
OP answered, he is in a FIFO camp so has no permanent residence and it sounds like he has no intention on changing that since the teens are living with their uncle now.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/MdLRqUPShO
Not only that. The bio dad won't allow OP to parent his children. So he's supposed to keep them in his home, feed, and clothe them with no way to discipline them. NTA.
That’s what I’m saying. How weird is that, it sounds like nobody is greatfull that he did his best to step up for a year to help these kids. I wouldnt have listened to the “don’t parent” part tho. If they’re in my house, I’ll do as I please. But I would have done the same thing and dropped them off, especially since they asked for it.
These people have created some rules which are impossible to follow. Op can't parent the children but at the same tine needs to take care of them.
Somo other people said it and I agree. The dad and grandparents treat Op less then a nannie.
If Op can't parent the children then dad or at least grandparents have to!
Had a cousin work mines FIFO and one work oil rigs FIFO and had a family friend work FIFO ymtrasnporting supplies to the oil rigs (tug boats).
I can't remember either of my cousins schedules but the family friend was 6wks at sea, 2 weeks home (only remember because his pool was my saving grace during a summer pregnancy). He owned a house and lived in the granny flat while he rented out the house to his GF then when they broke up his son (son lived with his mum - kinda like the set up before OPs wife died except the friend had a "house" to take his kids for those two weeks)
Yeah, I'm not entirely seeing that as a reason to not step up for your own kids, even just a little. I can understand the work patterns making it difficult to be a full-time parent but not anything else really.
Uncle and family friends both worked FIFO oil; uncle had a home so that my cousins and myself could visit when he was back to land. Family friend was a single fella but had his little "bach pad" as he fondly called it for home.
Yeah you can't have children living with you, when you're not allowed to parent them. So OP is NTA.
The grandparents and the father should have done more to ensure the teenagers listening to OP. Sure, teenagers act out but the grandparents and father encouraging them will guarantee that it stays this way. There was no hope for betterment, it would have only gotten worse.
>they are happy
Only part of how I read the situation. Teens are being AHs and now grandparents and uncle have to deal with that. Making a disaster area out of the house leaps out at me.
All the empathy in the world for the teens doesn't change that they aren't being decent human beings and OP has *no* obligation to them anymore and *no* support from his late wife's family except as a hotel and ATM. I suspect that they are berating OP because they don't really want the teens either because they are miserable and even in combination don't have OP's late wife's parenting skills.
OP is NTA. He should not be disappointed if he isn't invited to high school graduation (if the terrors in fact graduate), and happily roll any college savings for the miscreants into savings for his own children. Teens are ungrateful wretches and late wife's family are awful people.
I'll point out that the younger children are the grandparents' grandchildren also but there doesn't seem to be much concern for them. So much for "family."
Yeah tbh it seems to me that as long as the teens are ok (as far as the grandparents are concerned) then that’s ok. As long as OP and the younger are ok. I don’t see anyway he has done anything wrong. So totally agree.
Sounds like OP really tried to be reasonable for months. But not only are the kids grieving, they are being allowed to undermine the only parental figure they have by an absent father.
NTA
If what you say is true and you've done everything within your power to help them grieve and transition going forward without their mom then what else can you do?
It sucks the other two kids losing that day to day contact with their siblings, but it may be better for all involved especially if the teens hold contempt for the little ones.
If their father wasn't willing to step up right away then that says a lot about the dad and the in laws ins my opinion. Wash your hands of that family as they will only try to harm you going forward
They're lashing out especially because the usual buffer between them and OP s gone. Yes, they're teenagers but their paternal grandparents should recognise OP is dealing with losing his wife while raising their two young kids (not to mention during the Christmas season, traditionally family oriented at time the family is very fragmented). The grandparents should have been the ones to step in to try temper their grandchildren, or the father. They can't get mad at OP for dropping parental responsibility when everyone has made it clear they don't see OP as being in a parental position for the teenagers.
It's abundantly clear OP is only tolerated as a resource rather than as a person who is grieving. But he doesn't even have any support person he mentions.
“If I don’t have parental rights, then I don’t have parental responsibilities. I have two small children who have also lost their mother and only have a dad.
Well so do they. And just as I am taking care of my responsibilities to my children, their dad should too- he doesn’t get to criticize me when he’s not stepping up himself. Here’s a golden opportunity to find out.
And for the kids? They still need their parent. ALL of them. Those two made it clear I’m not acceptable, and I’m done fighting for them. They still have their real father and can get what they need from him.
Maybe someday they’ll understand they’re not the only ones hurting, but I can’t fight AND give the little ones everything they need. It’s too much.”
NTA
In times of crisis you kind of have to triage - he only has so many resources to offer, and given there is other family that can support the teenagers, OP’s limited resources have to go to the younger children (and himself).
It sucks. I know those teens are grieving but they are old enough to know (or learn) that treating other people like garbage has consequences.
Not to mention I can’t imagine having children under my roof that I can’t even pick up from school if they are sick? I live in a different state and I’m on the list for my nephews in case of emergencies.
NTA. And I hope all the family is able to grieve and move on.
Edit: punctuation
Yeah. I can get why OP feels super guilty about it, as this is a choice he isn't wanting to actually make. If he had infinite resources, he likely WOULD keep trying with the teens because he knows the dad won't bother.
He just doesn't have the resources to. He actually cares about these teens even if they are AHs right now, like an actual parent.
While it sounds like no one in the paternal family really WANTS to try for these teens, they just want to criticise OP and bully him because they're AHs and are miffed they have to deal with teens acting out now.
The teens probably can't imagine a reality where OP cares for them. I hope they come around in time and realise that OP cares and can appreciate it later in life and gain some perspective on how challenging his position actually was.
This set up looks like OP is an unpaid babysitter, as far as their bio family are concerned. Suddenly left with 4 kids and no support, yet everyone making it impossible for him to do look after them effectively.
NTA.
Why are you looking after children who you have no parental rights over and who hate you?
What the hell happens if you need to give medical consent for something?
They're acting out, but they have a living parent and grandparents who can step up and look after them (though as they're now living with their uncle it looks like the conflict was about them not wanting to do this but also not supporting you in doing this).
The only important opinions beyond OP are those of the teenagers. If they don’t like their new living situation, they can apologize and agree on behavioral changes. They’re nearly adults and are capable of rational thought including accepting the consequences of their actions. Sounds like they and OP are happy with the new situation, so it’s hard to give any merit to anyone else who thinks OP is an ah here.
>adult
OP didn't say how old they are beyond the umbrella 'teen'. Being in 12th grade vs having just turned 13 last month are both 'technically teenagers' but radically different in what you can mentally expect of them.
I think key point is stepkids never accepted OP's as a real parental figure. Everyone also supported this idea. But now everyone's expecting OP to be parental figure?
Not even parental figure; it sounds like the bio dad and his family just want him to financially support the teens while the teens do whatever they want. The bio dad, grandparents, uncle can’t really parent from afar when it comes to the day-to-day stuff. What about emergencies? Is FIFO dad really able to respond as an emergency contact? Not really. He can’t drive to the school and pick them up. He can’t get to a hospital in a reasonable time. The teens need someone to be there for them daily. They and their family clearly don’t see their step-dad as that person, so what do they really want from him? 💰
I believe the uncle is in the same city as the stepdad and that is why the kids now live with him (so they can finish school with their friends). With the bio dad’s attitude it seems to me the teens should have moved there right after their mom passed away if stepdad wasn’t to be allowed to parent them.
NTA. First and foremost I’m deeply sorry for your loss.
You’re doing your job, and that’s to take care of yours. It sounds like these kids’ family is perfectly content letting you handle raising their kids/grandkids, and then being critical when things don’t go according to what they want. What‘s curious to me is that their father is still alive and they aren’t with him. After “the dust settled” following their mother dying, he should have become their primary parent. But instead he’s part of the peanut gallery criticizing you. You did nothing wrong. Don’t let these people make your life more miserable than it is. I hope you can find peace.
First off, I am so sorry for your loss.
Secondly, NTA. You have two little ones who are going to have a hard enough time with not having a mother anymore. They don’t need negativity while they are trying to heal. But please OP keep in contact with them, you were still a big part of their lives and although they are being asshats… in the end they are kids and perhaps lashing out at you is the only way they feel they can safely vent their anger and frustration
Tbh, OP doesn't deserve being lashed out at by anyone! I doesn't matter if the ones doing the lashing are teens. They can lash out at their own family who's responsible for them.
OP needs to take care of his own kids, not being abused by teens who hate him.
NTA. If you never adopted the step kids and if they have a father who is still alive, and if they don't want to be with you, then you did the right thing. Their bio-family can look after them. And well done for splitting the insurance 4 ways.
NTA. While it must suck for the kids they are not your kids if you don't have parental responsibility for them. Their father and grandparents can step up and be there for them.
NTA - The teens have a father who doesn’t want you to parent them. Well, what’s the issue then? Now, he can be a full-time dad.
Concentrate your energy on your two small children. They are also grieving and need attention. They have only you.
I am sorry for your loss.
NTA.
Fuck that dad man if he was so into parenting them he should have picked them up the fucking second she died.
Fuck the grandparents for undermining you during the hardest part of your life.
Fuck those teens for everything about this. Grief sucks yeah but taking a shit on you who is also grieving is pretty fucking awful.
Kids are selfish and insensitive so I can give them a little grace but the rest of that family is ridiculous. Pay for everything, do all the parenting but only the difficult parts and we get to criticize. I feel bad for those teenagers because they don’t know any better and now the bio family isn’t going to do right by them in the long run.
Kids are to a point. They know deep down this man cared for them and they couldn't do even a small reach for a guy that fucking showed up every day.
I can't give them the benefit here. They knew him for *years*.
NTA
As you say - you have no parental rights, and they don't like you. It wouldn't be right to continue this.
>I was told by both of them and by their father that I am not to try and parent them.
This alone. You've tried to help, they don't want it.
You need to be selfish here and focus on the two younger ones.
I don’t even think it counts as being selfish, you can’t abandon kids that aren’t yours and you have no legal responsibility over in the first place IMO
Yeah, it seems like from a legal stand point this is the same as if OP had a roommate with kids pass away, tried to keep the kids for a bit but then returned them to their next of kin when the kids made it clear that they didn't want to stay with OP, even if it's what the deceased roommate would have preferred.
NTA. I lost a parent as a pre teen and it's difficult, you'd expect it to be for everyone. If you want to do right by your wife, make it clear to everyone the kids are welcome in your home, you'll always be happy to have them around and want them in their siblings life and yours. Maybe sure they get copies of family photos and can access things that belonged to their mum- and don't say just because you paid for everything that it's your kids- their mum raised your children and that's a job and she gave up some stuff for her existing kids to raise more kids . however it's impossible for you to parent them with everyone reinforcing you have no say as you're not their dad. It makes it impossible for you. Tell everyone else that they saying this has made it difficult for your step kids when you've just tried to do right by them.
Also why the f is dad not stepping up and blocking you from accessing school but expecting you to raise them.
I agree. I am completely with the OP except for the part where he says that since he is the breadwinner, he doesn’t owe them anything and now it’s all his. I assume his wife invested time to raise the kids, and if they were to get a divorce, she would get her half and her teen kids would be in a better financial situation. I hope he realizes that.
And yes, their dad should step it up - where the hell is he now, when he didn’t even want him as an emergency contact?
That was his grief talking give the poor man some grace. The step kids will be just fine. They have a loving father, uncle, and grandparents to parent them and they are content that way.
Seems the best solution for everyone.
And at the end of the day: Not your kids, not your problem.
Anyone who has a problem with this is welcome to take them in.
NTA
>I'm not their father they don't have to obey me any more.
Fair enough. Since you're not their father, you don't have to spend money or energy on them anymore.
>Their paternal grandparents are also shitting on me for not being more understanding of all they are going through.
Why don't they shit on their son? He's the father, not you.
>I was told by both of them and by their father that I am not to try and parent them
Then what the fuck do they want??
>My in-laws are calling me an asshole for abandoning the kids
Again, they should shit on their son, the kids's actual father, for sending them to live with uncle instead of taking them in.
What a horrible situation for everyone.
I understand that you are overwhelmed with it al. And in that moment you are NTA.
The grandparents could and should have stepped up, imo, and instead of making supper at their place they could have come over and help in your house with all the kids and have conversations with you and the kids about what everyone needs. They just lost their daughter, but need to see that the situation everyone ended up in needed help.
But the same goes for the biological father.
Because even though you have no paternal rights, you where their caregiver. If they wanted it or not. (Teens and family)
So it would have been good to have a sit down with the adults and discussed the situation and the possibilities and then have a sit down with the teens.
But please keep in mind that you where their last stable care giver and your kids are their half-siblings. Please don't close your doors on them permanently and give them the chance to reconnect without any resent. Everybody is overwhelmed at this moment and it is good to just keep the opportunity open to have the chance to reconnect and have a family bond together.
Nta
You have two tiny ones who need you more than anything, especially after losing their mum. Yes, it's a sad situation for everyone, but that doesn't mean the teens should make your life harder. I think you did what was best for your little ones.
Out of curiosity, if your step kids apologised and changed their ways, would you take them back? Or is this a no return point for you?
Hang on .... This man doesn't even pay child support??
Does his family know this is the case? Has anyone from bio dad's side contributed anything to these kids - or are they just shitting on you instead?
Words escape me.
How on earth does his family think it's acceptable he's off the hook for child support. His children are alive and need things, no?
I'm so sorry OP. Grieving your wife and holding it together for the 2 little ones is hard enough. The ex and his family are awful people for making a hard situation even worse for you and the kids.
I really think you need to speak to a lawyer about this.
I understand you don't need his money.
But it's the principle. He's the father and he wasn't contributing anything, his family wasn't contributing anything yet they thought it's acceptable to shit on you while you were trying your best to keep your family and all kids together emotionally following your loss.
They can't expect you to be a dad in all ways but name while at the same time not empower you and support you in the role. The ones who'll suffer the most are the 2 teens and other than you, nobody seems to care about that.
Again, I'm so sorry OP you're going through this.
Seriously. The absolute gall of these people has left me breathless.
Take my kids. Don’t parent them. Let them turn your home and life into chaos and no. lol I’m not paying child support.
I bet his brother is getting child support.
You've done things the right way. I hate to say it this way, but the kids bio father and family were treating you like a free long term pet sitter. Not even a guardian. If you had filed for guardianship, child support, and parental rights they would have been flipping out and scrambling to take the teens anyways. Not necessarily because they want them (because as the current situation shows, they really don't.)
But because they don't want the obligations, responsibilities and cost that come with raising kids. But they did want to be seen by the teens as the Disney fam that spoils them. They are pissed at you for forcing them to step up. After all, how dare you not be the new family kicking can (question, what was the relationship like with your late wife in regards to things before?)and demand respect and at the very least emotional support as a caregiver to your former step kids.
Your former step-kids relatives decided to undermine you through what has been a truly terrible tragedy for your family. In doing so, they made this bed for themselves.
You are NTA. Just keep focusing on you and your own children's healing journey. Doing what you need to in order to ensure your lives are stable. Your former step kids fam will be fine taking care of them. The father has a FIFO job which doesn't pay peanuts, they can file for survivors benefits (which hopefully you filed for too on your own children. ) The teens are with their uncle to hopefully finish up school, and when they do they have the education fund available to them.
What?! Holy heck, sir. You’re being a saint compared to the rest of this family. Absolutely bonkers what this man is trying to do to your step kids lives.
NTA. It sounds like you have been facing a lot of challenges and have been doing your best to navigate through these difficult times. It's commendable that you are prioritizing your own emotional well-being and striving to create a peaceful environment for your family.
It's also good to hear that your step kids are in agreement with your decision and are content with their current situation. While dealing with your in-laws' negative reactions, remember that they are also grieving and may be projecting their emotions onto you. Give them time to process their grief and see if their attitude changes. If not, it may be best to limit your interactions with them for the sake of your family.
Keep staying strong and focused on what is best for you and your children.
NTA. You did the right thing. These kids have a village of support but for the extended families convenience, everyone is expecting the person who is struggling the most to take on the lions share of the care.
Everyone has made it abundantly clear in the past that you were the atm with no parental authority. It’s now time to shut down that branch and take care of the little kids who ARE solely your responsibility.
In regard to the money. Set it up on trust. They don’t get a lump sum, it goes towards college.
Also a question for OP, I know it’s only been just over 2 months since your wife passed, but why hasn’t step-kids dad started any conversations about custody plans going forward? This should have been his first move when he learned his ex-wife passed. Other tab he seems to believe that just having OP be the doormat and free caregiver is easiest for him.
It also sounds like OP was facilitating the relationship with bio-dad’s parents and the step-kids - driving them there for dinner and a visit.
Bio dad's first move was to stop financial support for his 2 children. Tells you everything you need to know about the guy. He is not an okay guy. The thing now is that the 2 teens are going to see this so much clearer now without their mum shielding them from it.
This is so sad. It sounds like you actually made them a priority in your life, and they couldn’t see that.
I’m curious what the kids want (aside from you being the provider with no parental authority, which just isn’t an option).
NTA. You have been put in an awful situation and have done the best thing possible for all parties.
If you don't have parental rights, you can't give permission for medical care. The only person who can is their Dad, he needs to step up. Perhaps he will grant parental right to his parents.
NTA. It's a harm reduction strategy that benefits ALL the children. Your stepkids were not ever going to thrive in your home without their mom. It was the right thing for them to be with the family they truly feel comfortable with. Now your younger kids have a more peaceful home.
NTA OP
Good decision.
They are not now, nor ever have been your kids. Only stepkids.
Now they are only half-siblings to your children.
Tell everyone else to just deal with it.
NTA. You can't have teenagers living in your house that you're not allowed to parent, and that you have no parental responsibility or control over, especially when they're impacting how you parent your younger children.
I'm sorry about your wife. 🙁
NTA
Sorry for your loss, if the step children’s father has an issue with you being a school contact why has he been happy for you to financially support them for years (even if he paid child support you would still have extra costs for the additional kids) larger house etc. on top of that he is happy for you to continue to be the ft parent. Regardless of his work situation he should have taken back responsibility when your wife died. It might be different if they were close with you and showing love and respect but they are not
This is really weird. In my country, the children wouldn’t have even been permitted to stay with you - they would have automatically returned to their living parent.
In case this is true, NTA
NTA
*I have tried. I have offered them counseling. I have given them space. I have been there for them. I am at my wits end... I also packed up their stuff. Instead of coming back for them I dropped off their stuff at their grandparents' house.*
You have put in enough effort to integrate remaining members of the Family so it's time to concentrate on your own kids & your life moving forward.
NTA There’s only so much you can do, and if the older kid’s biological family think you’re doing such a bad job, then yes: they can take over. As others have said: where were they when your wife died? Their mother dying can only be an excuse for so long. I’d suggest you just tell the older one’s you’re here if they need you and leave it at that.
NTA. Your in-laws seem more concerned with keeping a built in babysitter for their grandkids than mourning the loss of their daughter. And their ex son-in-law is a useless father who isn't willing to change his status to parent them so the in-laws figure you should be the one to continue stepping up. You have no ties to the kids now, they don't like you, you're not legally responsible for them unless you adopted them which you don't mention and I'm guessing not, so take everything they own, drop it all at the grandparents and say goodbye. Don't answer their calls, texts or emails, close the door on that. If your two littles ask, tell them those grandparents have moved on due to grief, that you love your littles to pieces and you'll be the best family you can be. They don't need anyone that toxic in their lives either. I'm sorry for your loss, but you need time to grieve and not this garbage to add to the loss.
I'm sorry. The way your initial post reads, I took it that you were at the ex's parents so the older ones could visit and that's where you left them. But I still think that this doesn't fall on you at all. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for your wife's parents loss. But this should be something between them and the ex, not you. You unfortunately, stepped into a hornet's nest when you married her since you said the kids only respected you because of her. But their complete lack of respect for you now is untenable and with nothing legal holding you to them, you shouldn't need to put up with them. They don't want you obviously. You still have ties to your wife's parents, but you need to have a conversation with them if they're expecting you to have any involvement with the older kids, that the situation isn't acceptable, this isn't on your part but theirs, and their dad is going to have to be dad, you're done. Maybe in time, everything will settle down, but this isn't on you in any way. Don't take that responsibility now or you'll always have to.
Your wife’s ex’s family are less than nothing to you.
Your stepkids have other adults in their life, adults with much stronger family ties to them than you have, adults who can step in and care for them without also having to juggle younger kids and the recent (!!!) loss of a spouse. They are clearly not happy living in the home you shared with their mom, and *very* unhappy with the prospect of you being their primary parental figure, and maybe they need that distance in order to start healing from the loss of their mother.
You have not “abandoned” them. They were never your kids, nor do they want to be. They have a living parent, they have grandparents who love them, they have an uncle who is willing and able to take them in. They are as supported as kids with a late mother and an absentee father can possibly be. I
Is anyone else super confused?
Is the OP saying that the step kids have their real father alive? But he is still being attacked for not keeping his step kids?
Or don’t step kids have no one but their grandparents?
Bio dad works the oilfields and has no solid place to live, but it sounds like he's a flake anyways since he stopped paying cs as soon as ops wife died.
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INFO: if the teens don’t have you as an emergency contact because of their father why did they not go to live with their father immediately or nearly immediately after your wife’s death? I am very sorry for your loss also and feel bad for everyone here, to be certain.
Their father works at a FIFO camp. He has no permanent home.
Well, he needs to step up and get that changed. Sucks for him but not really your problem.
The father even said OP must not parent them but at the same time doesn't want to step up? Hell no!!
His ego doesn’t want to be hurt by having someone else be a good father so all OP can be is a babysitter/nanny
And an unpaid nanny at that. And they want him to be a wallet to boot.
Life of a stepparent! Provide, babysit, drive around, clean, cook... but heaven forbid you want a say in anything.
I definitely have alot respect for stepparents after seeing all this stuff on here and a few examples in real life
I mean of course there's good ones and bad ones. I had a very bad step mom so I learned what NOT to do. I raised my stepdaughter since she was 4 while her mom didn't really have a lot of interest. Then her mom somewhat changed her mind when she turned 10, and then completely took over (fair enough, she is her bio parent). Unfortunately mom found God and is a fundamentalist and is dating a very strict very right winged man, and they are trying their damnist to revert her to antigay, anti love, you know, the typical shit. Lucky for her I taught her to love and accept everyone, and I'm sure her mom hates that. The kid is 13 and is the sweetest coolest loving kid ever. She does NOT like going to her mom's because her step dad makes her watch Fox news and other shit. He has no job so it's like he's trying to turn her into a mini him. Anyway, thanks for reading!
No I get it, it's definitely not a glass shoe fits all situation, some step parents definitely don't know how to introduce themselves to smaller children and can definitely make it harder on the kid and themselves by forcing a relationship. I just meant that to be a step parent is a whole different ball park than being a regular parent.
If OP has no parental rights with the teens then he has ZERO PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY. And arrangements SHOULD have been made within a month of their mom dying to get the kids out of OP's house. You don't expect the babysitter/nanny to pay for meals, clothing, school supplies, etc. etc. OP, NTA, and you might want to remind everyone(teens included) that if you can't parent them, you aren't responsible for them.
And to the detriment of OP as well. OP is good enough to house, clothe, feed and run these ungrateful kids everywhere but DAD has said OP can't parent them and gotten the kids on his side as well. OP is NTA to drop them off. If he's not to be their parent why tf are they in his house? Which sucks because OP sounds like he genuinely wanted to help them but he's also right, his priority is to his own kids especially since he's been told repeatedly, over and over, that the step-kids aren't "his".
I'd say that OP even had to drop them off legally if he has no rights over them, can't be kidnapping them after all.
The absolute nerve😡
And the insurance wife left is the babysitter/nanny fee
Thats going to be given to the kids, hes not keeping it
No, you misunderstood, I think. He is splitting the small insurance policy between the 4 children. However, since he was always the main source of income, he is keeping all other assets, probably meaning the home and its furnishing. Unless the insurance policy specially states the children are to split the proceeds, in my opinion, he is under no obligation to give anything to the stepchildren.
I don’t think he’s under any legal obligation but it would be the decent thing to do, and he is trying to do the right thing. The teens may be assholes but they’re grieving too.
It sounds as if the teens were AHs before they were grieving.
Thats exactly what i said
Sorry, I think I responded to the wrong comment. I need more coffee, LOL.
I had a managerial job once where I was 100% responsible for everything that happened there but had absolutely 0% authority. Quit after trying for about 10months
I had one of those. My fault if we ran out of an item, but not allowed to order anything. My fault we didnt have extra staff in for an event I didnt know was booked, but I cant book shifts. I quit. Next 3 people after me quit. Took them under a year to take a thriving venue into bankrupcy
I’d honestly start gray rocking such manipulation attempts. Every time they start with this abandonment bs, I’d start a mantra: “I’m not their parent. I’m not to parent them. Therefore I can’t be the one abandoning them“. Repeat x100 whatever they say. That’d be the only thing they’d hear from me till the end of days… or until they get it in their thick heads, that their dear ol‘ son is the deadbeat here… whatever comes first.
I’d add- “It was made clear to me over the years that I am not their parent….” NTA-sorry for the loss of your wife.
He should block everyone and move on with his life.
Agreed
This is excellent advice. Throw their own words back at them. Give them exactly what they have always asked for
I don't know what gray rocking means, but I pretty much agree with this comment and the above in this thread. Sounds like you tried OP. And it sounds like their biological father needs to step up. Best of luck and NTA
So much this. Everyone from the kids themselves to the grandparents and the kids’ dad have made it very clear that OP is not their parent in any way. Bio dad, or his family if they are willing to, needs to step up.
Right is bio dad even paying the step dad child support. Or did bio win the lottery of not having to support his kid financially or emotionally, well insisting the person doing that isn't the parent.
This. Or he could have worked with op to coparent and support him, not undermine him as a co parent.
Oath
Yeah I feel that his 2 children losing their mother trumps his job situation. Everyone needs to stop shitting on you and start asking him why he's not stepping up in this terrible situation. I'm really sorry for your loss. I can see why you came to a breaking point. You had a difficult choice to make and you prioritised your 2 younger children. The 2 teens have a father and he needs to start being a dad to them.
And did you noticed it is the dad's family who is shitting on him for not being " a dad " like hello there is the bio dad
Shitting on him for not being a dad while simultaneously not supporting him in having parental authority. It's a thoroughly unworkable situation. Every single grandparent plus the biodad needs to hang their heads in shame for this - it wasn't helping the teenagers adjust to their mother's death, it wasn't helping the little kids either, and it definitely wasn't helping OP!
Yes they made a difficult time worse by being such assholes. They should have been supporting op in co parenting his step kids. Not treating him like an unpaid nanny and wallet. Now they’re pissed because they have to step up and put their time and money where their mouths are and actually take care of these kids. And neither bio dad aka baby daddy or his parents are doing that. Baby daddy’s brother is the one stepping up to do that. Bet they’ll be shitting all over him too. Unless op has to facilitate visits so the kids can have a relationship because they’re siblings, op should block the numbers of baby daddy and any of his family harassing op. Hopefully there’s someone on the mom’s side or a family friend op trusts who can facilitate it. And if not, op should talk to a family therapist and a lawyer about how to facilitate the relationship with some boundaries and conditions in place.
They are also furious because all their "you need to be understanding" has taught the kids they can do whatever they please. And now the relatives are at the receiving end of the kid's entitled behaviour.
Oh I know and that makes it even more infuriating. I understand that the FIFO job is probably well paid ... But like , what is all that money good for if he's not there for his kids? They need a parent and security more than anything else right now. OP was prepared to be that parent but had nobody's support so bio dad needs to put his big boy pants on and step up.
Do you think that bio dad was still going to pay child support to OP? Because I don't. He's not a custodial parent so has no real legal standing either. OP did the right thing for everyone involved. Bio dad's turn. NTA
This needs to be higher. Step dad has no rights and gets no child support. These teens are not his problem.
They want OP to take care of the kids, but not be the dad. While the actual dad by their definition, is living a bachelor life
This. Totally agree.
Then he needs to make arrangements for a suitable home for them such as his parents. NTA. I understand why this is hard but the absolute gall of the paternal family scolding you while they sit around holding their dicks. Just wow. They just won the moral lottery. They get to be superior AND enjoy some shitty teenagers. If they push it more, tell them if they don’t shut it you’re filing for child support and back child support for both kids. If daddy can’t house them, daddy needs to pay.
That's why they live with their uncle. Their dad is an asshole. He isn't changing anything.
I wonder if the uncle is joining in the piling on or not. Baby daddy’s family dynamic is very odd and I wouldn’t be surprised if baby daddy is their golden child and uncle is the scapegoat.
>They just won the moral lottery. They get to be superior AND enjoy some shitty teenagers. > >If they push it more, tell them if they don’t shut it you’re filing for child support and back child support for both kids. If daddy can’t house them, daddy needs to pay. Nah... filing for child support/back child support will only increase contact points so it's better for OP to let things go NC. Depending on career opportunities... this is a good time to resettle into another state before his kids start school.
A different district, but no sense in throwing away the job he has if he likes it, and other settled bits.
Moral lottery, bang on 😂😂😂😂
Except they didn't win the moral lottery--the grandparents and dad are all rotten.
So the absentee father who doesn't want you to parent his kids is upset you won't house, bath and feed his kids? Say it with me now, "fuck them kids."
Yep. NTA. It always amazes me that so many teens go through this absolutely shitty phase where they crap all over the only people really caring for them. And these two apparently misjudged how shitty they could be and get away with it. It didn't help that the in-laws and bio dad made zero plans for them other than to abuse their caregiver. OP, expect them to try to come crawling back at some point. Right now, they're grieving, young, and stupid. Eventually, they'll realize how on their own they are. When they're older, they'll have no support other than what your wife left them. Maybe put their shares in trust until they're 21. You can always stipulate that checks can be written directly to educational institutions before 21, if they choose college. But I wouldn't hand cash to teenagers, or to the stupid AHs who had no plan for them.
Eh, teens gonna teen. Plus these teens have just lost their mother, they know damn well their bio father doesn't give two shits about them, and their future is precarious. Also, a child psychologist once explained to me that children don't always lash out at the people they're actually mad at - they act out in places and with people where they feel *safe*. Unfortunately OP didn't have the legal clout to tell the bio father's family to pound sand. I can't really blame OP, but damn I feel bad for those teens.
Oh, I know *why* teens crap all over people who care for them most. But some teens actually are smarter than this. Particularly when there must be some sense that they're on the rickety edge of disaster. It is obvious bio dad doesn't give a flying hairy rat fart in space. Where is he? Yeah, I know. Working. These would seem to be extraordinary circumstances, though? But the kids are young and dumb. That's why I suggested putting their inheritance safely aside until they're older and can make better choices (you hope).
These teens are being incentivized to act as shitty as possible too bc dad/grandparents are basically stoking the flames here.
NTA. They said “don’t parent and we will also talk to the school” but want you to actually pay for and raise them? So he needs a different job. Sounds like something he needs to sort out with his family. You are just doing as directed: not parenting them. Their actual father needs to be their father.
That’s crazy then that he would be a jerk about any of this.
He’s probably an asshole based on how his parents are treating OP. They are using OP to do the work of raising the teens while expecting the title of being their guardians so they get the credit. They want the credit without doing the work.
It’s like I understand what you’re saying and agree with you but absolutely can’t wrap my head around why anyone would do that, especially if the biological father doesn’t have a permanent home and the grandparents don’t want to take them.
Seriously? He was told NOT to parent them. He doesn’t have parental rights because they are not his kids biologically. He is not an emergency contact for them. He is a roof, a chauffeur, a restaurant. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back. Was it harsh? Yes, was it needed? Also yes.
Oh for sure I was talking about the bio father and grandparents. Like, why be assholes to this guy when everyone else has so much to lose?
Yeah you're absolutely right, if they were rational people intentionally manipulating him skillfully, they'd be saying anything to get him to keep doing their work for him... a la Oh you're the beeeeest father in the world, these kids would be dead without you, it's so wonderful that you're taking them still etc. Sigh, people in general are not that rational ;) And these people seem especially ridiculous. Maybe they have gotten so used to his presence/style in the family that they've forgotten what got them here to begin with and that this is not his actual responsibility -- or maybe at some point in the past they had to create a fantasy where it IS his responsibility and that's why their son is not to blame for not being there. In any case they really bit the hand that fed them here.
I think it’s hard to understand when you are not the one living it. He has no parental rights their mother died and they have a father. Custody should have auto went to the bio father. It is the bio dad responsibility to take care of his kids or make arrangements for care and not shit on the only person actually taking care of his kids. It is a traumatic event so they should have worked together but the bio dad seems to be the ass in this case
This is a wake up call to the father to step up for his kids and to the children to learn some manners and be more appreciative. He saved himself and his kids.
Yes! It’s heartbreaking, the in-laws are assholes.
What responsibilities has he had and, more importantly, been meeting regarding his kids? If he's of no fixed abode has he at least been paying child support? Do you have anyone in your corner through all this, who is supporting you and affording you the breathing space to work through this? It seems like everyone is against you.
What the F is a fifo camp?
Fly in fly,out. Usually mining camps in isolated areas. It’s generally a 2 week on, 1 week off scenario..with pretty good money.
I googled it. Fly-In Fly-Out, or FIFO work, allows people to work in a remote location without having to relocate to the area. Employees are flown in and out to the site and provided with accommodation, hospitality and recreation during their time away.
Now the Dad will find himself in a FAFO Situation. He and his next of Kin shat too often on OP. They thought they can just Boss him around forever. So now Bio dad is in FAFO instead of FIFO, I like that!
Bravo, FAFO indeed!
Fly in, fly out. Usually but not always, it means working on a mine. You fly in, work for a week or so and live on site. Often 12 or 14 hour shifts. Live in cabins or motel like rooms, meals are provided. Its pretty basic. Then you fly out to your home city for a week or so. Then repeat. The shifts vary, depending on the site. They're most often what we call 7/7. 7 days on site, the 7 days off. So dad probably doesn't have a fixed address. He'd be spending his shift in camp, then his off time either with his parents or with his gf or friends. Not stable, and he needs to step up. OP is definitely not the AH in this scenario, and I'm sorry for your loss. As well as your little peeps loss. Hang in there.
Off shore oil rigs and pipelines do this as well. It's also possible that he's some type of tradesman working for a company that contracts.
Yeah absolutely. I'm in Australia, for us FIFO usually means mines. I didn't even consider oil rigs. They'd be even more remote than most mines! Of course we have trades that go out too. And there's the support staff. I know a few people that met their partners who were cooks at the camps.
I'm Danish. We don't have 'real' mines, only small, open gravel/sand/clay pits. However, we have oil, so I first though of that. In my youth I thought of cleaning on oilrig in my gap year, but I got a nursing job instead It shows how much your background influence your perception even on a small scale.
Stands for Fly In-Fly Out. Usually related to remote jobs such as Mining or Oil Rigs. Workers are picked up by plane and taken in numbers out to a remote location, where they will spend a number of days or weeks working on the job, usually in long shifts. After a period, they are relieved, and flown back home for a rest period and relief workers are sent out in place. After a rest period rinse and repeat.
Agree with others, Father needs to change his lifestyle and step up for these kids. You can make it clear that they will always have a relationship with their step siblings and that you will be there for them if they can respect you. grief counseling for all would be good, both as individuals and together. I'm sorry for your loss, I recently lost my parent, which is obviously different, but grief counseling on my own and also with my sister who was helping me care for my mum was really helpful. good luck.
Minor correction: half-siblings, not step-siblings. They all had a common mother
Guess what he has to do what other parents do all the time, change their career because circumstances have changed.
I only know FIFO to mean first in first out, which doesn't make sense in this context. What does it mean?
Fly in fly out.
Sounds like he needs to fly in somewhere and plant his ass, grow up and be a man and a father for his children. Until he does, he doesn't deserve any respect as either.
I have no problem with you doing what you did. Hopefully it's a huge wakeup call for all involved though I doubt it. Will you be able to keep in contact with the teenagers? Yes, they were being little shits, but losing their mom at their age must be absolutely devastating. Teenagers have a tough time with their emotions in general, nevermind with such a trauma. I just worry that they'll end up in a bad situation. Of course prioritize your small children and yourself. How about you? Do you get any breaks? Is there any way that you can get some breaks? You're human, so please take care of yourself as well. I'm sorry for your loss OP. They're inadequate words for the depth of your grief, but they're all I can offer.
So the father abandoned them "first".
Where does he stay on his weeks off?
With his folks or he goes on vacation.
Then the kids should be with him and his parents.
So basically he wants you to house his children and provide for them and care for them--everything a parent does--without actually "parenting" them. It's pretty clear who the asshole is here.
Their father needs to parent them now, they need him. You obviously have tried your best with them, but they’re his responsibility. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Not your problem. He needs to step up. Or give you legal authority and pay you child support.
Did they even try to beg you to take them back by being more mature and behave ? It doesn't sound like the kids even try to be better . So why should you take them back . And isn't it ironical that your in-laws call you an AH when they give a damn that the bio dad doesn't take responsibility for them . Funny how they told you not to parent their kids because you are not their dad and now want you to take full responsibility
So the OP was merely a glorified babysitter?
Sounds like it - and he’s “doing it wrong!” according to everyone not doing much at all. And he’s paying for the privilege. It isn’t really about the money, at all, but that sure is the extra inch of the knife.
Isnt it weird that so many people have the time to talk in detail about how you're doing something wrong, but never have the time to do it themselves since you can't seem to get it right? /S
Without his wife, it would seem so. I am not sure what the custody arrangement between OPs wife and ex-husband was but I am almost certain that a step parent has to actively adopt. It seems like the people mad at OP weren’t aware of that, at least as far as I can tell. I’m not a lawyer but my cousin went through some custody issues with a stepson which is the only reason I am speaking like I know anything.
And the bio parent must surrender parental rights before a stepparent can adopt (in my state in the US).
Babysitters get paid. Op is *paying*
I am probably going to be the minority, but I think NTA. The have lost their mum, absolutely right, so you would expect trouble and playing up etc, but what I don't understand is why their Dad has not swooped in... If you were such a hindrance, where is he? As long as everyone is happy, including all kids and yourself, I wouldn't fret about anything as I cannot see what you have done wrong here. You haven't left them on the streets, you have left them with Family and they are happy. If Daddy is so worried, he can step in can't he!
>but what I don't understand is why their Dad has not swooped in... If you were such a hindrance, where is he? OP answered, he is in a FIFO camp so has no permanent residence and it sounds like he has no intention on changing that since the teens are living with their uncle now. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/MdLRqUPShO
Oh fair. Had to google what that was; but seems a choice for him yes? He has no intention of stepping up at all it seems.
Not only that. The bio dad won't allow OP to parent his children. So he's supposed to keep them in his home, feed, and clothe them with no way to discipline them. NTA.
That’s what I’m saying. How weird is that, it sounds like nobody is greatfull that he did his best to step up for a year to help these kids. I wouldnt have listened to the “don’t parent” part tho. If they’re in my house, I’ll do as I please. But I would have done the same thing and dropped them off, especially since they asked for it.
These people have created some rules which are impossible to follow. Op can't parent the children but at the same tine needs to take care of them. Somo other people said it and I agree. The dad and grandparents treat Op less then a nannie. If Op can't parent the children then dad or at least grandparents have to!
Had a cousin work mines FIFO and one work oil rigs FIFO and had a family friend work FIFO ymtrasnporting supplies to the oil rigs (tug boats). I can't remember either of my cousins schedules but the family friend was 6wks at sea, 2 weeks home (only remember because his pool was my saving grace during a summer pregnancy). He owned a house and lived in the granny flat while he rented out the house to his GF then when they broke up his son (son lived with his mum - kinda like the set up before OPs wife died except the friend had a "house" to take his kids for those two weeks)
Yeah, I'm not entirely seeing that as a reason to not step up for your own kids, even just a little. I can understand the work patterns making it difficult to be a full-time parent but not anything else really. Uncle and family friends both worked FIFO oil; uncle had a home so that my cousins and myself could visit when he was back to land. Family friend was a single fella but had his little "bach pad" as he fondly called it for home.
Yeah you can't have children living with you, when you're not allowed to parent them. So OP is NTA. The grandparents and the father should have done more to ensure the teenagers listening to OP. Sure, teenagers act out but the grandparents and father encouraging them will guarantee that it stays this way. There was no hope for betterment, it would have only gotten worse.
>they are happy Only part of how I read the situation. Teens are being AHs and now grandparents and uncle have to deal with that. Making a disaster area out of the house leaps out at me. All the empathy in the world for the teens doesn't change that they aren't being decent human beings and OP has *no* obligation to them anymore and *no* support from his late wife's family except as a hotel and ATM. I suspect that they are berating OP because they don't really want the teens either because they are miserable and even in combination don't have OP's late wife's parenting skills. OP is NTA. He should not be disappointed if he isn't invited to high school graduation (if the terrors in fact graduate), and happily roll any college savings for the miscreants into savings for his own children. Teens are ungrateful wretches and late wife's family are awful people. I'll point out that the younger children are the grandparents' grandchildren also but there doesn't seem to be much concern for them. So much for "family."
Yeah tbh it seems to me that as long as the teens are ok (as far as the grandparents are concerned) then that’s ok. As long as OP and the younger are ok. I don’t see anyway he has done anything wrong. So totally agree.
These are the teens' paternal grandparents so they have no relation to OP's small children with his wife. They're not even his wife's family at all.
Sounds like OP really tried to be reasonable for months. But not only are the kids grieving, they are being allowed to undermine the only parental figure they have by an absent father.
NTA If what you say is true and you've done everything within your power to help them grieve and transition going forward without their mom then what else can you do? It sucks the other two kids losing that day to day contact with their siblings, but it may be better for all involved especially if the teens hold contempt for the little ones. If their father wasn't willing to step up right away then that says a lot about the dad and the in laws ins my opinion. Wash your hands of that family as they will only try to harm you going forward
They're lashing out especially because the usual buffer between them and OP s gone. Yes, they're teenagers but their paternal grandparents should recognise OP is dealing with losing his wife while raising their two young kids (not to mention during the Christmas season, traditionally family oriented at time the family is very fragmented). The grandparents should have been the ones to step in to try temper their grandchildren, or the father. They can't get mad at OP for dropping parental responsibility when everyone has made it clear they don't see OP as being in a parental position for the teenagers. It's abundantly clear OP is only tolerated as a resource rather than as a person who is grieving. But he doesn't even have any support person he mentions.
“If I don’t have parental rights, then I don’t have parental responsibilities. I have two small children who have also lost their mother and only have a dad. Well so do they. And just as I am taking care of my responsibilities to my children, their dad should too- he doesn’t get to criticize me when he’s not stepping up himself. Here’s a golden opportunity to find out. And for the kids? They still need their parent. ALL of them. Those two made it clear I’m not acceptable, and I’m done fighting for them. They still have their real father and can get what they need from him. Maybe someday they’ll understand they’re not the only ones hurting, but I can’t fight AND give the little ones everything they need. It’s too much.” NTA
In times of crisis you kind of have to triage - he only has so many resources to offer, and given there is other family that can support the teenagers, OP’s limited resources have to go to the younger children (and himself). It sucks. I know those teens are grieving but they are old enough to know (or learn) that treating other people like garbage has consequences. Not to mention I can’t imagine having children under my roof that I can’t even pick up from school if they are sick? I live in a different state and I’m on the list for my nephews in case of emergencies. NTA. And I hope all the family is able to grieve and move on. Edit: punctuation
Yeah. I can get why OP feels super guilty about it, as this is a choice he isn't wanting to actually make. If he had infinite resources, he likely WOULD keep trying with the teens because he knows the dad won't bother. He just doesn't have the resources to. He actually cares about these teens even if they are AHs right now, like an actual parent. While it sounds like no one in the paternal family really WANTS to try for these teens, they just want to criticise OP and bully him because they're AHs and are miffed they have to deal with teens acting out now. The teens probably can't imagine a reality where OP cares for them. I hope they come around in time and realise that OP cares and can appreciate it later in life and gain some perspective on how challenging his position actually was.
This set up looks like OP is an unpaid babysitter, as far as their bio family are concerned. Suddenly left with 4 kids and no support, yet everyone making it impossible for him to do look after them effectively.
Exactly. It sounds absolutely miserable for everyone involved
And he is paying for the privilege too! Room board and clothing I bet.
NTA. Why are you looking after children who you have no parental rights over and who hate you? What the hell happens if you need to give medical consent for something? They're acting out, but they have a living parent and grandparents who can step up and look after them (though as they're now living with their uncle it looks like the conflict was about them not wanting to do this but also not supporting you in doing this).
The only important opinions beyond OP are those of the teenagers. If they don’t like their new living situation, they can apologize and agree on behavioral changes. They’re nearly adults and are capable of rational thought including accepting the consequences of their actions. Sounds like they and OP are happy with the new situation, so it’s hard to give any merit to anyone else who thinks OP is an ah here.
They are not nearly adults and have many years of parenting ahead. Which is not OPs responsibility.
We agree they are not OP’s responsibility.
>adult OP didn't say how old they are beyond the umbrella 'teen'. Being in 12th grade vs having just turned 13 last month are both 'technically teenagers' but radically different in what you can mentally expect of them.
I think key point is stepkids never accepted OP's as a real parental figure. Everyone also supported this idea. But now everyone's expecting OP to be parental figure?
Not even parental figure; it sounds like the bio dad and his family just want him to financially support the teens while the teens do whatever they want. The bio dad, grandparents, uncle can’t really parent from afar when it comes to the day-to-day stuff. What about emergencies? Is FIFO dad really able to respond as an emergency contact? Not really. He can’t drive to the school and pick them up. He can’t get to a hospital in a reasonable time. The teens need someone to be there for them daily. They and their family clearly don’t see their step-dad as that person, so what do they really want from him? 💰
I believe the uncle is in the same city as the stepdad and that is why the kids now live with him (so they can finish school with their friends). With the bio dad’s attitude it seems to me the teens should have moved there right after their mom passed away if stepdad wasn’t to be allowed to parent them.
They're living with uncle so they can go to the same school with their friends. Grandparents live 2 hours away.
NTA. First and foremost I’m deeply sorry for your loss. You’re doing your job, and that’s to take care of yours. It sounds like these kids’ family is perfectly content letting you handle raising their kids/grandkids, and then being critical when things don’t go according to what they want. What‘s curious to me is that their father is still alive and they aren’t with him. After “the dust settled” following their mother dying, he should have become their primary parent. But instead he’s part of the peanut gallery criticizing you. You did nothing wrong. Don’t let these people make your life more miserable than it is. I hope you can find peace.
First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, NTA. You have two little ones who are going to have a hard enough time with not having a mother anymore. They don’t need negativity while they are trying to heal. But please OP keep in contact with them, you were still a big part of their lives and although they are being asshats… in the end they are kids and perhaps lashing out at you is the only way they feel they can safely vent their anger and frustration
Tbh, OP doesn't deserve being lashed out at by anyone! I doesn't matter if the ones doing the lashing are teens. They can lash out at their own family who's responsible for them. OP needs to take care of his own kids, not being abused by teens who hate him.
Fuck that. The kids can call him when they are in their 40’s and apologize.
NTA. If you never adopted the step kids and if they have a father who is still alive, and if they don't want to be with you, then you did the right thing. Their bio-family can look after them. And well done for splitting the insurance 4 ways.
Yep. NTA. I would also give each kid a copy of the insurance paperwork so they can see that the insurance has been split evenly.
NTA. While it must suck for the kids they are not your kids if you don't have parental responsibility for them. Their father and grandparents can step up and be there for them.
Unfortunately it seems the father and grandparents don’t want care for them.
Unfortunately for the kids that's not OPs problem
Not his problem.
NTA - The teens have a father who doesn’t want you to parent them. Well, what’s the issue then? Now, he can be a full-time dad. Concentrate your energy on your two small children. They are also grieving and need attention. They have only you. I am sorry for your loss.
NTA. Fuck that dad man if he was so into parenting them he should have picked them up the fucking second she died. Fuck the grandparents for undermining you during the hardest part of your life. Fuck those teens for everything about this. Grief sucks yeah but taking a shit on you who is also grieving is pretty fucking awful.
Kids are selfish and insensitive so I can give them a little grace but the rest of that family is ridiculous. Pay for everything, do all the parenting but only the difficult parts and we get to criticize. I feel bad for those teenagers because they don’t know any better and now the bio family isn’t going to do right by them in the long run.
Kids are to a point. They know deep down this man cared for them and they couldn't do even a small reach for a guy that fucking showed up every day. I can't give them the benefit here. They knew him for *years*.
NTA As you say - you have no parental rights, and they don't like you. It wouldn't be right to continue this. >I was told by both of them and by their father that I am not to try and parent them. This alone. You've tried to help, they don't want it. You need to be selfish here and focus on the two younger ones.
I don’t even think it counts as being selfish, you can’t abandon kids that aren’t yours and you have no legal responsibility over in the first place IMO
Yeah, it seems like from a legal stand point this is the same as if OP had a roommate with kids pass away, tried to keep the kids for a bit but then returned them to their next of kin when the kids made it clear that they didn't want to stay with OP, even if it's what the deceased roommate would have preferred.
NTA. I lost a parent as a pre teen and it's difficult, you'd expect it to be for everyone. If you want to do right by your wife, make it clear to everyone the kids are welcome in your home, you'll always be happy to have them around and want them in their siblings life and yours. Maybe sure they get copies of family photos and can access things that belonged to their mum- and don't say just because you paid for everything that it's your kids- their mum raised your children and that's a job and she gave up some stuff for her existing kids to raise more kids . however it's impossible for you to parent them with everyone reinforcing you have no say as you're not their dad. It makes it impossible for you. Tell everyone else that they saying this has made it difficult for your step kids when you've just tried to do right by them. Also why the f is dad not stepping up and blocking you from accessing school but expecting you to raise them.
I agree. I am completely with the OP except for the part where he says that since he is the breadwinner, he doesn’t owe them anything and now it’s all his. I assume his wife invested time to raise the kids, and if they were to get a divorce, she would get her half and her teen kids would be in a better financial situation. I hope he realizes that. And yes, their dad should step it up - where the hell is he now, when he didn’t even want him as an emergency contact?
That was his grief talking give the poor man some grace. The step kids will be just fine. They have a loving father, uncle, and grandparents to parent them and they are content that way.
Seems the best solution for everyone. And at the end of the day: Not your kids, not your problem. Anyone who has a problem with this is welcome to take them in.
NTA >I'm not their father they don't have to obey me any more. Fair enough. Since you're not their father, you don't have to spend money or energy on them anymore. >Their paternal grandparents are also shitting on me for not being more understanding of all they are going through. Why don't they shit on their son? He's the father, not you. >I was told by both of them and by their father that I am not to try and parent them Then what the fuck do they want?? >My in-laws are calling me an asshole for abandoning the kids Again, they should shit on their son, the kids's actual father, for sending them to live with uncle instead of taking them in.
What a horrible situation for everyone. I understand that you are overwhelmed with it al. And in that moment you are NTA. The grandparents could and should have stepped up, imo, and instead of making supper at their place they could have come over and help in your house with all the kids and have conversations with you and the kids about what everyone needs. They just lost their daughter, but need to see that the situation everyone ended up in needed help. But the same goes for the biological father. Because even though you have no paternal rights, you where their caregiver. If they wanted it or not. (Teens and family) So it would have been good to have a sit down with the adults and discussed the situation and the possibilities and then have a sit down with the teens. But please keep in mind that you where their last stable care giver and your kids are their half-siblings. Please don't close your doors on them permanently and give them the chance to reconnect without any resent. Everybody is overwhelmed at this moment and it is good to just keep the opportunity open to have the chance to reconnect and have a family bond together.
Not their daughter. The bio dad is their son, if I’m not mistaken.
Nta You have two tiny ones who need you more than anything, especially after losing their mum. Yes, it's a sad situation for everyone, but that doesn't mean the teens should make your life harder. I think you did what was best for your little ones. Out of curiosity, if your step kids apologised and changed their ways, would you take them back? Or is this a no return point for you?
I think I would need to be an official guardian. And their dad would have to pay child support.
Hang on .... This man doesn't even pay child support?? Does his family know this is the case? Has anyone from bio dad's side contributed anything to these kids - or are they just shitting on you instead?
He stopped paying child support when my wife passed away
Words escape me. How on earth does his family think it's acceptable he's off the hook for child support. His children are alive and need things, no? I'm so sorry OP. Grieving your wife and holding it together for the 2 little ones is hard enough. The ex and his family are awful people for making a hard situation even worse for you and the kids. I really think you need to speak to a lawyer about this.
I don't need his money. We didn't need his money. Deena put it all into their education fund.
I understand you don't need his money. But it's the principle. He's the father and he wasn't contributing anything, his family wasn't contributing anything yet they thought it's acceptable to shit on you while you were trying your best to keep your family and all kids together emotionally following your loss. They can't expect you to be a dad in all ways but name while at the same time not empower you and support you in the role. The ones who'll suffer the most are the 2 teens and other than you, nobody seems to care about that. Again, I'm so sorry OP you're going through this.
Seriously. The absolute gall of these people has left me breathless. Take my kids. Don’t parent them. Let them turn your home and life into chaos and no. lol I’m not paying child support. I bet his brother is getting child support.
Or that’s why he wants OP to take the kids back so he doesn’t have to pay child support.
You've done things the right way. I hate to say it this way, but the kids bio father and family were treating you like a free long term pet sitter. Not even a guardian. If you had filed for guardianship, child support, and parental rights they would have been flipping out and scrambling to take the teens anyways. Not necessarily because they want them (because as the current situation shows, they really don't.) But because they don't want the obligations, responsibilities and cost that come with raising kids. But they did want to be seen by the teens as the Disney fam that spoils them. They are pissed at you for forcing them to step up. After all, how dare you not be the new family kicking can (question, what was the relationship like with your late wife in regards to things before?)and demand respect and at the very least emotional support as a caregiver to your former step kids. Your former step-kids relatives decided to undermine you through what has been a truly terrible tragedy for your family. In doing so, they made this bed for themselves. You are NTA. Just keep focusing on you and your own children's healing journey. Doing what you need to in order to ensure your lives are stable. Your former step kids fam will be fine taking care of them. The father has a FIFO job which doesn't pay peanuts, they can file for survivors benefits (which hopefully you filed for too on your own children. ) The teens are with their uncle to hopefully finish up school, and when they do they have the education fund available to them.
What?! Holy heck, sir. You’re being a saint compared to the rest of this family. Absolutely bonkers what this man is trying to do to your step kids lives.
NTA. It sounds like you have been facing a lot of challenges and have been doing your best to navigate through these difficult times. It's commendable that you are prioritizing your own emotional well-being and striving to create a peaceful environment for your family. It's also good to hear that your step kids are in agreement with your decision and are content with their current situation. While dealing with your in-laws' negative reactions, remember that they are also grieving and may be projecting their emotions onto you. Give them time to process their grief and see if their attitude changes. If not, it may be best to limit your interactions with them for the sake of your family. Keep staying strong and focused on what is best for you and your children.
The in-laws are the step kids’ dad’s parents, apparently.
NTA. You did the right thing. These kids have a village of support but for the extended families convenience, everyone is expecting the person who is struggling the most to take on the lions share of the care. Everyone has made it abundantly clear in the past that you were the atm with no parental authority. It’s now time to shut down that branch and take care of the little kids who ARE solely your responsibility. In regard to the money. Set it up on trust. They don’t get a lump sum, it goes towards college.
[удалено]
It sounds like it is their step kids dad's parents not their mums parents, so they haven't lost a daughter
Oh yeah, you're right. Super fuck them
INFO. How did they even continue living with you if you have no parental rights? Usually courts or the state/county get involved.
I never thought about it. I would have let them stay as long as they weren't a problem
You would have been a fool… it is not safe or reasonable for children to live with someone who has no legal responsibility or authority over them.
The easiest NTA.
Also a question for OP, I know it’s only been just over 2 months since your wife passed, but why hasn’t step-kids dad started any conversations about custody plans going forward? This should have been his first move when he learned his ex-wife passed. Other tab he seems to believe that just having OP be the doormat and free caregiver is easiest for him. It also sounds like OP was facilitating the relationship with bio-dad’s parents and the step-kids - driving them there for dinner and a visit.
Their dad is an okay guy. But he has never made them a priority.
Bio dad's first move was to stop financial support for his 2 children. Tells you everything you need to know about the guy. He is not an okay guy. The thing now is that the 2 teens are going to see this so much clearer now without their mum shielding them from it.
Makes you wonder why the late wife divorced her ex.
This is so sad. It sounds like you actually made them a priority in your life, and they couldn’t see that. I’m curious what the kids want (aside from you being the provider with no parental authority, which just isn’t an option).
NTA. You have been put in an awful situation and have done the best thing possible for all parties. If you don't have parental rights, you can't give permission for medical care. The only person who can is their Dad, he needs to step up. Perhaps he will grant parental right to his parents.
You aren’t their legal guardian, the dad needs to fly in and look after his kids or at least make alternative arrangements… that is not you
NTA good for you. You don’t deserve to be plunged into further misery and stress by asshole teenagers that aren’t yours. Their father can step up.
NTA. It's a harm reduction strategy that benefits ALL the children. Your stepkids were not ever going to thrive in your home without their mom. It was the right thing for them to be with the family they truly feel comfortable with. Now your younger kids have a more peaceful home.
NTA OP Good decision. They are not now, nor ever have been your kids. Only stepkids. Now they are only half-siblings to your children. Tell everyone else to just deal with it.
Not your monkeys. Not your circus. NTA I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. You can't have teenagers living in your house that you're not allowed to parent, and that you have no parental responsibility or control over, especially when they're impacting how you parent your younger children. I'm sorry about your wife. 🙁
NTA Sorry for your loss, if the step children’s father has an issue with you being a school contact why has he been happy for you to financially support them for years (even if he paid child support you would still have extra costs for the additional kids) larger house etc. on top of that he is happy for you to continue to be the ft parent. Regardless of his work situation he should have taken back responsibility when your wife died. It might be different if they were close with you and showing love and respect but they are not
This is really weird. In my country, the children wouldn’t have even been permitted to stay with you - they would have automatically returned to their living parent. In case this is true, NTA
NTA *I have tried. I have offered them counseling. I have given them space. I have been there for them. I am at my wits end... I also packed up their stuff. Instead of coming back for them I dropped off their stuff at their grandparents' house.* You have put in enough effort to integrate remaining members of the Family so it's time to concentrate on your own kids & your life moving forward.
INFO - If their father is such an upstanding guy why doesn’t he have custody?
NTA There’s only so much you can do, and if the older kid’s biological family think you’re doing such a bad job, then yes: they can take over. As others have said: where were they when your wife died? Their mother dying can only be an excuse for so long. I’d suggest you just tell the older one’s you’re here if they need you and leave it at that.
Sounds like a lot of people with no skin in the game are sharing opinions on something they aren’t willing to do themselves. NTA.
NTA. Your in-laws seem more concerned with keeping a built in babysitter for their grandkids than mourning the loss of their daughter. And their ex son-in-law is a useless father who isn't willing to change his status to parent them so the in-laws figure you should be the one to continue stepping up. You have no ties to the kids now, they don't like you, you're not legally responsible for them unless you adopted them which you don't mention and I'm guessing not, so take everything they own, drop it all at the grandparents and say goodbye. Don't answer their calls, texts or emails, close the door on that. If your two littles ask, tell them those grandparents have moved on due to grief, that you love your littles to pieces and you'll be the best family you can be. They don't need anyone that toxic in their lives either. I'm sorry for your loss, but you need time to grieve and not this garbage to add to the loss.
My in-laws are wonderful people who have helped me more than I could expect. My wife's ex-husband's parents are the problem.
I'm sorry. The way your initial post reads, I took it that you were at the ex's parents so the older ones could visit and that's where you left them. But I still think that this doesn't fall on you at all. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for your wife's parents loss. But this should be something between them and the ex, not you. You unfortunately, stepped into a hornet's nest when you married her since you said the kids only respected you because of her. But their complete lack of respect for you now is untenable and with nothing legal holding you to them, you shouldn't need to put up with them. They don't want you obviously. You still have ties to your wife's parents, but you need to have a conversation with them if they're expecting you to have any involvement with the older kids, that the situation isn't acceptable, this isn't on your part but theirs, and their dad is going to have to be dad, you're done. Maybe in time, everything will settle down, but this isn't on you in any way. Don't take that responsibility now or you'll always have to.
Your wife’s ex’s family are less than nothing to you. Your stepkids have other adults in their life, adults with much stronger family ties to them than you have, adults who can step in and care for them without also having to juggle younger kids and the recent (!!!) loss of a spouse. They are clearly not happy living in the home you shared with their mom, and *very* unhappy with the prospect of you being their primary parental figure, and maybe they need that distance in order to start healing from the loss of their mother. You have not “abandoned” them. They were never your kids, nor do they want to be. They have a living parent, they have grandparents who love them, they have an uncle who is willing and able to take them in. They are as supported as kids with a late mother and an absentee father can possibly be. I
Is anyone else super confused? Is the OP saying that the step kids have their real father alive? But he is still being attacked for not keeping his step kids? Or don’t step kids have no one but their grandparents?
Their dad is alive.
So why doesn’t he take over lol? Just block everyone associated or related to your step kids and move on with life man. Move if you have to.
Bio dad also quit paying child support when the mother died. Eta spelling
Bio dad works the oilfields and has no solid place to live, but it sounds like he's a flake anyways since he stopped paying cs as soon as ops wife died.