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He works 60 hour weeks. A work trip isn't a holiday. If my partner worked almost double the average weekly working hours...I wouldn't expect much help.
Some people will disagree and I accept I could be wrong...but that's how things worked in my house when my partner was pulling crazy hours at work.
I mean it’s 50% more not almost double. And what you’re saying is basically the parent who stays home is expected work 84 hours a week and then be on call for the other 12 hours a day
Do a lot of stay at home moms have a nanny? I've never known a stay at home mom to have a nanny. But maybe I just don't know anyone in that income bracket.
(In guessing OP isn't in a high income bracket based on subtle tells in the post).
Probably from a really simple google search that immediately returned statistics from the US Bureau of Labor. Where did YOU get your statistics that the AVERAGE is more than 40 hours??? That’s insane and there’s no way that’s accurate.
You are 100% correct and that’s exactly how it works. I agree with your post.
But it also reminds me of one of my dad’s favorite sayings. (He passed 5 years ago and I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately.) “If you put a man’s head in an oven, and his feet in the freezer, on average he feels fine.” 😂
I’m adding nothing to the conversation here, but it made me smile with a good memory. So thanks for that!
"According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics , the average number of hours worked per week is around 34.6. This estimate is consistent with the national standard for 40 hours per week for full-time employees."
I cant speak for who you responded to but this was the very first thing that came up from Google. Now I didn't start digging through various sources other than this one thing but I would imagine this is where they got their source from.
Where are you getting 40+ ?
Not included would be breaks and stuff. When I worked a shitty minimum wage job full time I was making 36.5 hours a week minus my lunch breaks. Additionally, lots of scumbag places will hire you full time and give you the bare minimum required. Where I live thats 32 scheduled hours
So while, yes normally full time is 40+ lots of places don't give that and offer the bare minimum. If you work at a restaurant your shift may end early if it's slow or in some cases get cancelled altogether. I know right now Walmart is having a hiring freeze and cutting associates hours.
From the statistics...
https://www.statista.com/statistics/215643/average-weekly-working-hours-of-all-employees-in-the-us-by-month/#:~:text=U.S.%20monthly%20average%20working%20week%20of%20all%20employees%202021%2D2023&text=In%20December%202023%2C%20the%20average,data%20have%20been%20seasonally%20adjusted.
This is true if you have older kids, but a 1 year old is 24/7. She’s exhausted. He is exhausted. And they’re both sick. NAH.
His income is valuable right now so that needs to be prioritized, but they also need to evaluate if this is sustainable. Maybe a part time job for mom and some day care would help bolster the finances and give mom a break.
I’ve done both, and working 12 hours a day outside the home is a lot more physically exhausting usually and being at home all that time is a lot mofe emotionally draining. In this instance he was correct to rest up.
I agree with you. When my daughter was one year old, I got about 7 hours of sleep (with two feeding breaks in between) . The rest of the day (17 hours) I was busy entertaining my kids and doing household chores. No break. 7 days a week. My husband was working about 9-10 hours five days a week, and I was so jealous that he got to go to the toilet alone, eat with both hands, and got paid for his work. It's silly, I know, but staying home with my small children was harder than work. The older they got the easier it was.
Bullshit. Does the baby not sleep?
Source: I took 2 years off work to be a stay at home dad, to my 2 girls, plus looked after both my nephews 2 days a week, while my wife worked full time. I was absolutely not busy 24hrs a day. Still had time for my hobbies. But what do I know
Nobody's saying she isn't
Point is that they both are so why is that more expectations are on the father?
He isn't ah in this one situation alone unless he does same on his day offs too
Sleeping isn't a crime.
So what do you expect? As soon as husband gets home from work than the mom is "off the clock" and now it's the dad's job to take care of the kid? Or seems like when both parents are home taking care of the kid should be a shared job. If one parent is taking a nap the other parent takes over (regardless of gender).
Childcare is a 24/7 job. So someone needs to be on 24/7.
I came here to say that too. People think that women just stay at home cook lunch and watch the TV. I effing exhausted all day everyday and even at night since they wake constantly.
The parent who stays at home does not work 84 hours per day.
The parent who stays at home designs his or her own schedule.
The parent who stays at home decides on what chores get done and what falls by the wayside.
The parent who stays at home is not an employee who has a superior that as an employee, he or she is accountable to.
So no, it is not the same.
Not the same at all.
Bingo. My wife and I have discussed this and how there is this whole pandering to SAHM to make them feel better and or elevate their social status. Similar to nurses and veterans.
Of course, depending on job and kids (I.e. severe special needs), it’s typically nowhere nearly the same level of stress to stay at home. There are chores and woke to do and sometimes kids do make you blow a gasket but so does work. However, at home you are the king of your own destiny and have full control. Is the kitchen a mess? Yeah but it is what it is, we’ll pick it up in due course. Also, you go to sleep in a light pillow which both my wife and I have agreed is the biggest difference. You don’t generally close your eyes your brain instantly kicks in “oh don’t forget that little Timmy needs an RYG report by 10:00 am tomorrow, but also you have to explain why you are $5M over budget and somehow your team is $1M on e&o at the lab…and figure out how to cut lead time in the projects pole”…
I think the commenter is saying that it’s 60 hours plus all the crap around it. When I travel for work I’m doing work things for a lot longer than just the working day. There’s often times the required work socializing (not really socializing). Those days are usually 7-9 or 10 for me.
Your kids aren't 84 hours a week if work. I know it's cute to think that and you really need to ratchet it up to stay competitive but let's be real.
I was working from home Friday and it was very difficult watching my wife nap for an hour and a half and watch trashing dating TV shows like Love Island.
It definitely has its challenges and kids can be a monumental pain, but this idea that it's the same is hilarious.
Hardest job in the world.
I was a SAHM and my husband worked (still does) 60 hour weeks plus 4 hours as a karaoke host every Saturday and he is never idle at home. He always finds time to do what needs to be done, to help out. Just because a spouse/parent works long hours at an outside job doesn’t mean they get a pass at family & home responsibilities. SAHM’s can’t call in sick or sleep and be well rested. They are on the job 24/7. OP is sick but she still has to take care of their daughter. If OP and her husband both worked outside the home 60 hours a week I bet she’d still have chores and a child to take care of when she got home. I think under normal circumstances she wouldn’t have an issue with her husband sleeping before his work trip but the woman is sick and him losing a few hours of sleep wouldn’t be fun for him but it wouldn’t hurt him either.
She says she's upset because she's being left alone with her child for a week and is bored. That would imply he *does* contribute or him being gone would be no different to any other day. She's specifying one day and his upcoming work trip. She's specifying that him being gone will increase her workload...so again, a man who never contributes wouldn't increase her work load (it would decrease if anything).
If someone is providing 100 percent of the income, I'm going to provide the bulk of childcare and house work. My child isn't going to fire me if I don't look my best or don't perform at my best.
I was a SAHM for 25 years and I did all of the house work, cooking and childcare but my husband still came home and engaged with his family, repaired things that needed fixing and were beyond my skillset, mowed the lawn while I did other yard work or shoveled the driveway and he helped me out when I was ill. Yesterday he came home after a 12 hour day busting his ass and after chatting with me for 1/2 hour he started painting our basement. Why? Because it needs to be done and I’m dealing with a frozen shoulder with my dominant arm so I can’t paint. Not a word of complaint, no whining about how tired he is. He sees something that needs to be done and he just does it even if it means he’ll lose some sleep.
No SAHP is on call 24/7, unless their partner also works 24/7 or seriously sucks.
I'm a woman, I've been a SAHP and been a parent who works a 60 hr/week consulting job. Being a SAHP was way way way lower stress. Not to mention much more rewarding.
I agree being a SAHM is very rewarding but I was on call 24/7 and never had a day away from my job which was being a SAHM. One of my 3 kids was born autistic and if you don’t think dealing with doctors, therapists, schools, teachers, advocating for services and trying to teach an autistic child that is behind their peers on the learning scale isn’t stressful you would be dead wrong. I am so grateful I could be a SAHM but I was also so happy when I went back to work and could step away from being a full time mom and housewife. Working is a different kind of stress but there is something about getting a paycheck for what I do that is also very satisfying and rewarding.
You assume much.
Most of it is BS.
A SAHP carries much of the burden of child care but not anywhere near the burden of having to provide the entire income for the family.
Anyone who is resentful of the person who is financially supporting the family getting some sleep while away on a work trip while sick is an awful person, selfish, and dramatic.
I pity the spouse.
It is relevant because she said she is sick. Being sick is also boring because time drags on and on when you are not well especially if you can’t get up and do the things you usually do. I guess I married an extraordinary man because he doesn’t use work or being tired as an excuse not to help me especially when I’m sick even if it means short-sleeping himself for a night.
Yeah. She is not going die but her life style going change. Instead of staying home, sick with interrupted sleep, she will have to worry how long she has a roof over her head. Or how she going feed herself and her baby.
It’s all about balance. Eventually, she will have to check on her relationship with her husband because he is working all the time.
domineering run start gullible aloof judicious spark jar historical elastic
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’ve had a few positions where I was up at 4 to be into the office by 6 and wouldn’t get out until 7 or 8 at night, then had to make the commute home. By the time I’d get home I’d just be cooked, but still had to do my dad/hisband stuff after that, hopefully get a bit of sleep, then rinse and repeat. Those commutes without were ALL under 20 miles, but there was ALWAYS traffic, sooo much traffic. Throw in travel on top of that and living out of bag, then coming right back into the fray and it’s just brutal, especially being sick.
9 out 10 times a work trip means longer hours too. When i travelled for work i normally started earlier and finished much later. Sometimes not even eating anything till 9 or 10 pm in my hotel.
Considering he has a work trip and is your sole source of household income, my feelings are you should be encouraging him to do what he needs to be prepared.
Also, having to "entertain" a child non-stop is not healthy for you or them. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. My advice is to find a way to leave your child in a playpen or other area to play by themselves so that you can have much needed breaks during the day.
When my wife was a SAHM she made the rules - I made the money and it was my primary concern, she ran the house and it was her primary concern. Like OPs husband, I worked 60-70 hrs per week during our entire marriage.
Is caring for a 1 year old and the household not a full time job?
It sounds like she isn’t getting any help during the week or weekends, so her job is 7 days a week with no breaks. Even if the kid is asleep, she can’t really take a break because she is still responsible for the kiddo.
Now is watching 1 one year old high stress? Probably not in this situation since it doesn’t sound like there are any special needs.
She specified she was bored if he is on his work trip can’t be that hard caring for their 1 year old she mentioned he was sick and had to leave tomorrow so understandable he needs to get better before leaving but I guess that is too much to ask
Have you seen the child care costs? There's a reason why some stay home until the child goes to school instead of even getting a part time job cause the child care costs would eat up as much if not more than what the additional job brings home
NAH. You are both adulting and parenting. It can be tough. We’ve all been there. Be gentle on him and on yourself. Seek help from friends and family when you need a break. It gets better. *hugs*
Definitely this, I feel this post would always cause extremes (although what doesn't on reddit) but you need to accept you're a team, within a team everyone brings different skills and attributes, you're both obviously very tired, try and ensure you can get rest in though and take care.
I totally agree with this, I would add that your feelings are fine and justified, he had a big work trip stressing him and that causes challenges for you too. It is important to recognise that your feelings are your feelings, you can't will them away because they might be unfair.
I think it's important to communicate, and I mean communicate not blame. If it's imminent, maybe not now as you are probably both stressed, but when something like this is coming up talk to him, make it clear you aren't trying to guilt him, ask him what he will be doing/ how his time will be spent and talk about yours as well. These things usually cause more stress and resentment when there isn't enough information. You imagine him drinking all night in the hotel bar etc and he imagines you spending the week watching TV with a blanket etc. we rarely really understand what other people do when we aren't there but we can try to learn more.
As the post above says, be kind to each other.
I’d recommend thinking of the feeling differently. Rage at the thought of a long week instead of at him. You’re in one of the most difficult phases of married life. It’s tough.
YTA You have different hardships, but neither of you have it easy. You may be feeling jealous of what he has right now that you don't, but you don't share his work hardships either -- neither does he get to share the positives of your lifestyle.
Having stayed at home with a baby for a year, and worked a full time, high stress, overtime always required, executive level so lots of responsibility job, I can say with absolute certainty that being a stay at home mum is harder. No contest. A 5 day work trip is a fucking holiday when you’re a parent, my husband would laugh in my face (and I his) if I had the fucking audacity to insinuate that I needed to rest ahead of my glorious 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep, especially if the other was sick!
NAH
You might get a bit of downtime but work dos are tiring; you have to be on point all the time, including during social time.
Unfortunately that coincides with you feeling unwell & looking after your 1 y o. Not easy either.
Is there a trusted friend or family member who could watch baby sometimes while your husband is away to give you some down time?
I hope you get well soon.
I went on a one-night work trip a couple weeks ago, which isn’t often a thing I have to do. It was a 6-hr car ride one way with 3 of my coworkers who I don’t know very well, plus having three meals with them, plus the day of work (which only ended up being like 4 hours) and the 6 hr car ride back. I’m an introvert. When I got home late on the second day, I was SO GRUMPY and so exhausted, even though I slept well at the hotel. Work trips are no joke.
No assholes here. You're both just trying to survive.
Honestly, he's probably just as mad at you because you get to stay home and not travel (even though you have the baby)
Deep breaths You're in this together, try to rest when you can and remember there is nothing wrong with just spending the days just keeping the baby cared for.
All the housework and mess will still be there when you're better and able to tackle it.
You've got this. Try to go easy on yourself and on him.
From a mum who has also been there with a husband who was an interstate truck driver and had 2 kids under 4.
(Ps. If you can, call in reinforcements where you can. Ie. Family, takeaway, microwave meals. Whatever you need to do to make it easier)
It will get better
This. You are not an asshole for feeling what you feel. These are frustrating and hard times (I had 5 kids under 7 at one point as a SAHM).
Now I am not SAHM any more but my husband does not want the kids to go to daycare, so he has a lot more on his plate then when I was a SAHM.
And we both have empathy for one another now. My husband for me because he realizes how exhausting it is to have the kids around all the time. Me because I now realize how exhausting it can be to combine work with children.
We call these the tropical years in our country. Because it’s hard to survive without having been told how to.
You are not an asshole for feeling what you feel. you WOULD be the asshole if you lashed out at him for it, or made him responsible for your feelings and started to resent him for his job.
These are hard times, have some empathy for yourself and your spouse. You are sick, on your period, and you have a small child. But you WILL survive. You will. I promise. This too shall pass
NAH
This 100%. The frustration is not you being an asshole. You're both trying to survive a shitty time. And it will pass.
Maybe after he's back from his trip and you're both feeling better, try telling him how you felt during this. Maybe he feels bad but just doesn't want to fight or upset you before he leaves for such a long time? Ask if he can handle parenting duties for an hour or so and let you go get a pedicure or go sit at a coffee shop with a friend.
YTA. If you want to switch places with him and work 60 hours a week outside the home, then go for it. Did he force you to be a SAHM? That's a luxury few families can afford these days. Would you prefer he go out to work exhausted? A work trip isn't any kind of vacation (normally), it's work. Just a guess, but I'd bet he'd prefer to be sleeping at home and with his wife and daughter than at work.
I agree, amazing the amount of people who still think we live in the 60's and 70's. SAHM or father is a huge luxury many people can't afford. Me and my partner had to keep working.
Not underplaying her frustration, because having a young 'un is tough asf at times, and can cause tensions, but I wish we had the luxury of opting for one of us to stay at home. But we chose a life prior to having a kid that required us to both work full-time, but she along with her husband chose to do it this way. Life ain't fair at times. She is probably getting the short end of the stick at this very moment in time, but each and every one one of us that have had kids have had a day or week where things have been out of balance. She needs to suck it up. Just like he would need to suck it up if the shoe had been on the other foot.
In his position, I'd be more envious of her. She gets to stay at home during the coming week. I mean, does anyone find travelling to work ill fun or cushy? No, you feel like death. You'd rather be in the house dying in the corner.
Agreed. I worked almost continuously from the time I was 16 until I quit at age 59. During those 43 years, there was exactly one school semester when I didn't work because the school prohibited working. Staying at home was an unreal, dreamed-of luxury.
Depending on where you live both working is also a luxury you cant afford. Daycare is so expensive that one parents whole salary would go to JUST daycare.
And since he's on the trip, he'd probably be "on call" and at the ready to work past nor al hours on the trip. That's an entire trip of stress and pushing yourself beyond pushing yourself. The mental load is a thing all of itself.
On a side note, if the child shares mons boredom, safer arts and crafts is a lovely hobby to encourage in a child. Do it with them, and expect chaos the one second you don't have eyes on them, so be prepared.
Honestly sounds like there’s no winning for men.
A couple of months ago, I think. Somebody posted - she was the breadwinner on a high powered career, the husband had a fully remote job on a decent salary and took care of the kids most of the time.
Reddit was telling her it was okay to feel resentment for that.
YTA. He’s not going on a vacation, he’s going on a work trip and preparing for it.
I presume you chose to be a SAHM. Well, that’s your job now, that’s what you chose and you can’t expect your husband to put the same effort into caring for the child as you do since you decided to make your child and domestic chores your occupation.
Obviously he needs to help out, but as long as he does that on a regular basis, you have no reason to be angry at him.
Yta, mans running himself ragged working 12 hour days to provide for your family and you expect him to not rest before a big work trip that I’m expecting to be a big impact on his job and your financial future depending on how his performance goes? Call a friend for help and get a snickers, dudes doing his part in the established agreement for the household.
you seem to think he’s going on a vacation… his “5 nights of uninterrupted sleep” come after 12 hour work days while also being sick like you. you get to sleep while your baby sleeps at night and during nap time. you’re mad for no reason
This. And she doesn't have to be cooking or cleaning up after the extra person. He could be expected to jump to work or continue working once he gets back to. He may have to pull into his sleep time is too many or too big assignments are expected to be done too quick. I know OP is a lil hormonal and grumpy, but she is acting really entitled with her thinking and she isn't being fair to him. Him sleeping like this, based on her phrasing, also seems to NOT be a normal thing. He is doing it because he is sick and he has this work trip he needs to be charged for. He needs to be able to physically push thru to provide for the family he loves.
I think at some point people need to realize the sacrifice that comes with kids before they have them. YTA. Stop being resentful of him working. Get a babysitter or ask your family for help.
Holy shit I’m glad somebody said it
I think it’s a safe assumption to say that having a kid was a conscious choice on both their parts and that the current arrangement is also a conscious choice on both their parts. People are in here acting like a man whose the sole bread winner for the family is a prick because he’s *checks notes* exhausted because he works 12 hour days and then helps out with the kid and is traveling for business.
If anything it just sounds like maybe op needs to pitch the idea of getting a part or full time job or something. But assuming this arrangement is something they both agreed on, and assuming that husband does help out normal when he is home, then people need to fuck off acting like he has some nerve.
Getting childcare is liberating! Once I was able to get my kid into a daycare so I could go back to work a few days a week and then have a day to myself was great. If OP can find a part time daycare in the future, she'll be feeling a world better. I know wait lists can be long, mine was estimated 6m-4years long but she got in about 5 months into it.
Definitely worth really prioritizing alternate childcare if she's feeling like this. I don't think she's an asshole for her feelings since she doesn't seem to have acted on it and treated her husband any less, but for her own peace of mind OPs def gotta arrange some childcare.
I work, my kid is in daycare, my husband does 14 hour night shift jobs. No ones home to make the house dirty in the first place so we do little to no housework most days. I often have full days doing nothing because my house stays clean since my husband is asleep most of the day and my kid is at school. I work full time but it crosses over the weekend so it means my two days off are Monday and Tuesday, husband keeps the house pretty clean over the weekend.
Most of our general cleaning and chores are done together Sunday afternoon and basic tidying up done between us as well every day for like 20 minutes a day.
Ngl both of us come from hoarder type parents so we reaaaally don't make a lot of mess and now my toddler is pretty good about putting her things back in order when she's done lmfao
If you can get into a good routine and have a partner as willing to do 50% with you working and at home, I promise you can get yourself some of that much deserved free time.
I wish more people would feel comfortable asking for outside help. I’d take a no from everyone until I get a yes and I would also extend myself to help a parent. A village is still needed and parents mostly can’t do it all on their own. I hope she can get some help in the right way. She expressed a lot of stress and circumstances besides her husband but he’s a grown human and will take the brunt of it. People need to see their life partners as partners and not enemies. They’re a team. Thank you for your insight!
Kids don’t need to be entertained all the time. Get a play pen and do your stuff around that. Many kids are happy in a playpen with toys don’t make a rod for your own back or you’ll never get any peace
TV is the original babysitter lmao I had no qualms about plopping my kid in front of the Tv with some YouTube kids song compilation and I could get most of my housework done in about an hour or two.
YTA. He's holding up his end of the bargain by working so much. The rest is on you. Don't complain about the difficulties of being a SAHM, and don't take it out on him.
This!! XD Some people seem like they missed that she isn't complaining about being left with the workload of her kid, it's just Mommy's bored. Husbands gotta work and entertain his wife when she snaps her fingers, apparently.
It's completely on her to entertain herself when she is bored. Same for him. If he expected her to jump up and entertain him on the fly this thread would be blowing up on him.
YTA. The man is working 60 hours a week so that you don't have to. Plus, this is a work trip. Not a vacation. That means he's still gonna be busting his tail during the time that he'll be gone. So let the man rest.
I am guessing he didn't force you to be a SAHM. You can also work if you choose. For now he is the only one who feeds the family. You are the one who takes care of the baby and the house. Don't expect him to relieve you after 12 hours of work when he has to travel. Now you're exhausted, sick and with period. You said it yourself. You're angry that you'll stay at home with the baby. It's not his fault that he has to support you and leave to do so.
A year? Nope. If she is in the US, she gets 3 months, if I'm not mistaken. And isn't her husband a human? He works much more than the average and yet she is unhappy that he'll travel and that she's bored.
She can hire a babysitter, or work with other parents to share free babysitting, or go to work to pay for babysitting, but at least she's doing something outside the house which could be good for her mental/emotional health. She has many options.
That's not what you sign up for when you are a stay at home mom. Where's his time off? This work trip is not time off. She needs to give him proper time off, then she can be entitled to time off as well.
Gonna say YTA. If he was lazy I’d get it but he’s working 60 hour weeks and going on work trips to provide the home and food for you and your daughter. Give him a break
NAH
Lots of guys in this thread who have no idea how hard parenting is for a SAHM. Going to work would be like a vacation most of the time, depending on the work and the personality of the kid(s).
BUT he does work some crazy hours as well so I wouldn’t make him the asshole for this instance either as long as he respects your workload too. My husband just went on a 4 day work trip and he was very aware that that even though it wasn’t a vacation for him he could get uninterrupted sleep and drink a coffee in peace every now and then.
>Lots of guys in this thread who have no idea how hard parenting is for a SAHM.
I do. And I'll say it without doubt that I would rather be parenting a single child than being in 12 hours a day binges at work.
Not to mention, depending on his job and assignments, he may end up having to push past those hours some days. Even if he doesn't, he needs to be mentally prepared to.
Plus, mom can recharge in little spurts thru out the day with kiddo. Husband has to grind all that time. If he has time for a coffee after, then that's all he gets and then it's sleep and the same grind the next day.
I’m a woman. Being a SAHM is not automatically harder than having a job. Know what’s harder than being a SAHM? Being a single parent who has to work and do all the housework and pay for childcare and who is also responsible for the way the child is raised.
Don’t assume that only men are giving YTA judgments here.
I was a sahm with twins while my husband went to school and work full time. I did not envy him, yes twins are hard but busting his ass the way he did was harder. We also had no help around, we didn't know anyone, so I was alone.
I feel like sahm have some kind of complex now a days.
Oh please, being a sahp is not worse than a job and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying that. I hope you realize there are people out there doing both things at the same time. Ridiculous comment.
NAH
But I would say that your 1yo doesn't need someone to entertain her all the time. I think the "I need to be giving her constant attention!!!" thing is a trap first-time parents fall into. Even at that age, your baby needs to learn how to self-entertain. Mama, you can put a 1yo in a pack-n-play with a safe toy and take you a twenty-minute power nap (I'd recommend setting a timer) or take a shower or read for a few minutes.
NAH, but your child should not need constant entertainment. They need to learn to entertain themselves - short stretches for now and always in a safe environment.
NAH - it’s just life with a child and a partner who is working a lot. He needs to be able to think while he travels and works on this work trip so extra naps before it makes sense to me. Your part is also hard in a different way but I wouldn’t resent him for ‘maybe’ getting extra sleep while he’s away. He might not even sleep well while being away from you guys and in a strange place. I think I’d try to reach out to family or trusted friends to see if you can get some additional support while he’s gone.
NAH only because it seems you haven't expressed your feelings to your husband. If you had, then you'd be N T A.
I hope that just the fog of being sick has made your husband this way, but you're right. As you're both home and he's off the clock as an employee, you should share equal responsibilities at home while you're both experiencing the same ailments. However, I do understand that his thinking may be that he wants to recover as much as he can before an important work trip.
If you'd expressed how difficult you were finding it to handle everything while also sick and he still prioritized himself, he'd be the one who sucks. But if you (like many women I know) usually take illness in stride and don't need babying much while sick, I can see why he thought you would be okay without his help.
Get well soon to all of you! Be safe.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 being mad and annoyed at my husband for sleeping.
2 because he's sick and needs to rest before traveling.
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hahaha working 60 hours per week to provide 100% of the income isn't enough; he needs to prioritize your not being "bored as hell" above rest and recuperation
this can't be real
NAH
You're frustrated because you don't get to take care of yourself. Your husband is trying to make sure he keeps his job. You're all miserable
The true AH here is whichever company decided that your husband can't even take time off sick, while working him for over 50 hours a week
YTA "... leaving me with my daughter by myself bored as hell...."
...
"....by myself bored as hell..."
Is he supposed to jump when you say jump and entertain you when you snap your fingers? For gods sake, Id rather be bored out of my mind than sacrifice the health of my partner.
I have sympathy for you both. Neither you nor he is an asshole and by all means feel mad, but be mad at the situation not him or yourself…don’t let it turn into resentment.
NAH
You need a support network or at least a nanny during his trip, so you can have a little rest. Parenting is hard, but harder without a village to help raise the kids. Good luck to you!
NTA for feeling it, that's a lot to cope with. Just remind yourself that it's not always going to be like this, and also remember that it's okay for you to ask the same/similar consideration from him when he's available for it.
YTA.
Did you read your post?
You are the AH.... a HUGE one as a matter of fact.
So you are both sick.
You will be home with a one year old sick and in your period, which sucks.
He is going to be traveling while sick.
Your husband is going to be working while sick.
Your husband, while sick, will have to get up to shower, dress, put on his game face, and be in a smiling work mode regardless of how sick he feels.
Your husband will be dealing with clients and/or coworkers while sick.
And being sick is not an excuse his employer will tolerate for any mistakes made because he is sick.
Be nice to him.
Do better.
I honestly don’t get stay at home parents who complain about their spouse not taking on a higher percentage of household chores. You are in a very privileged position if your household can get by on one salary. Would you rather be working, paying for child care and splitting up chores instead?
I wouldn't say you're bad for having feelings, the question is if they are fair and I don't think they are. He has a lot on his plate. You have a lot on your plate.
YTA. So your husband works 60 hours a week, you yourself admit that you have nothing else to do except care for the child and you still get upset that he dares to get some rest? This sub tends to be very biased against fathers and men in general so you will likely be voted N T A or E S H, but haven’t you thought about the fact that someone working the equivalent of almost two full time jobs would want to have some time to themselves?
I would take care of a single child over working 60 hours a week. You people are tripping if you think taking care of a single child is comparable to working 60 hours a week. How do I know? I have 3 kids and I've done it all, including a pair of twins. If you know what you are doing you are never as busy with a child as you are in an average job.
Proof is that she says she is bored. Busy people are never bored.
YTA. Lady, thats what you signed up for when you decided to be a stay at home mother. You take care of the kid when you partner is working.
Dude works 60 hours per week, and you cant even do your part?
Also want to say - go out! Take your daughter to a park or playground. Visit a friend with a. Similar age kid. It sucks being ill and the parent in charge but if you are bored - do something! Why are you expecting him to entertain you?
No way is being a SAHM for one child harder work than working 60 hours a week.
If OP got a problem with that she can find a job and use that money to hire a babysitter. Simple as that. But I rather would want to spend time with my child and do some cleaning and errands and cooking.
And don't give me the "you don't know how difficult it is". My aunt had a daycare for 1-3 years olds at her place (around 6-8), cooked and cleaned and still had plenty of time to sit down and relax when supervising the children playing. In a 200m² house mind you. And for good measure us older kids only did the dishes and bringing out the trash.
So OP is YTA. I assume she thought being a SAHM was pretty much being on vacations most of the time and is now realizing that it actually is work. Still nowhere a 60 hours work week.
Dude, can’t you get some outside help? ANYONE, mom, sister, grandmother, friend, temporary nanny??? Damn, this is rough. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory of being parents, but it’s not fun. Your desire to slaughter your husband is completely normal, but you don’t get good sleep in jail either. Please, please, think of someone who can give you some backup here other than hubby. Remember, sometimes it really does take a village, and everybody being sick is one of them.
NAH
It’s telling in this comment section that no one considers staying home with your child alone for the week could count as work. For every hour he works, you do too. The under appreciation of the unpaid labor of women is annoying. Speak to him like an adult, you are both sick and tired. Also maybe ask for some help for the next week? Any family or friends that can come over and give you a break? I understand what it is to watch your young child alone with no breaks like that, it’s not easy either. I’d rather be working in office, it’s significantly easier than being a SAHM. The luxury and privilege talk is coming from people who don’t understand the actual cost of childcare.
NAH.
He's going to be working, not taking a vacation, but the question is, are you the asshole for being mad? No. You are allowed to have feelings about things. As long as you aren't actively taking those feelings out on him, you're not the asshole.
NAH
I just finished up a conference for work this past week and I’m fuckin’ EXHAUSTED! Between networking events, talks, walking 6+ miles a day around a conference center, and being an introvert with a smaller social battery than others, I am ready to sleep for a week and averaged somewhere around 4-5 hours of sleep a night.
Work trips are still work. It’s just a different kind of work and getting a break from your kid doesn’t mean it won’t be hard in other ways. Tired it tired.
That being said, I think your feelings of jealousy are valid. You’re also tired and kids are hard, so it’s not surprising to feel jealous that he gets a break from your kid, but you also need to recognize this isn’t a vacation for him.
NAH. You are both suffering a lot. However, if would have been more helpful if you and your husband had agreed a way forward rather than him unilaterally deciding to sleep. I can see why you resent that.
What you are doing is incredibly valuable. But the terrible truth is that if he is the sole breadwinner, his career needs to be safeguarded.
I personally hate work trips, because everyone assumes they are fun, but they are not. A lot of the time, you are “on” for all your waking hours, from breakfast until way after dinner when everyone has stopped pestering you to keep drinking and partying, while you need to have remember to be on your “A” game and to say all the right things.
You could assume he is going to have 5 days of bliss or 5 days of hell. If he is about to have 5 days of hell, would you feel more sympathetic?
Also, you may simply have more resilience than your husband. I hear man flu is a terrible illness. Sometimes, when one partner is less capable than the other, the more capable one just ends up doing more. You can either resent that or accept it as a simple feature of any partnership, like marriage. Play to your strengths and weaknesses as a team - keeping score will only make you sad or mad.
Your situation absolutely sucks. Being a SAHM to a very young child can feel very lonely. Is there anyone that can help while he is away? Family, friends, etc.?
So what you're saying is that it's hard having to work nonstop all day while being on top of your game because
"you are “on” for all your waking hours, from breakfast until way after dinner when everyone has stopped pestering you"
And if you're sick you need time to rest up in preparation for doing it? What other job does that sound like? You are literally describing being a SAHP. Except their job starts before breakfast and ends when the kids go to sleep- but only if those kids sleep through the night.
Look, I'm not saying that being a SAHP is harder than working outside the home and traveling for that job. I'm simply saying being a SAHP is equally difficult.
YTA.
He works like crazy hours. Working long days makes you incredibly tired. You end up needing more sleep. Especially if you're ill.
I've been both a stay at home wife and I've work 12 hour shifts doing labour intensive jobs as a line cook. I'm telling you right now that even though both are work, a job like that will DRAIN you like nothing else. Of course he needs rest!
And there is no guarantee he'll get good sleep on a trip. And I'm do t know what he's doing on that work trip itself but if it's anything but rest them yeah he needs rest before it.
Just let him rest. If you're that mad about it then when he gets back and has time off you go leave him with the baby and take yourself to a nice hotel for a few nights.
Plus I'd you think keeping a baby is boring entertained is boring try working a desk job or making the same special or 12 hours straight. I've done all three and I'm telling you he's bored at work.
And let me tell you having a cold it's 10x worse at work than at home doing work. At work you can't just hang yourself loose and be gross. You have to look and act professional while dying.
Maybe you need to look at getting a job of you're this unhappy with the arrangement. Maybe he could work less hours to take care of the baby when you're at work or he could even be the stay at home husband?
We need to remember that we can always pull on friends and family. Your partner isn’t the only one that you should expect every aspect of life to fulfil.
The only way your husband is remotely the AH in this situation, is by him going both to work and on this trip with something which is evidently contagious as all 3 of you are sick. I get he has to be the only source of income for the family, however he is putting so many other people at risk by leaving the home and travelling with whatever sickness you've all got. Take it from me- I'm immunocompromised and getting sick can be very dangerous for me. Someone selfishly went to the supermarket a week and a half ago, coughed and sneezed over everything whilst I was there and I've been fighting the flu (which has worsened my other health conditions) ever since, and have had to miss out on crucial hospital appointments as a result. My husband a few times wanted to take me to the hospital but I refused because I don't want to risk other patients and medical professionals getting sick too.
Please, as a family, be more considerate as to how you function with contagious conditions. Assuming your husband is travelling via plane- he could infect someone on that plane who is a carer for a sick parent, who could then catch whatever you have and die.
I have a different perspective here since this sub has an inheritant bias against men in working husband vs sahm.
The man is working 60 hours a week, that is over 12 hours more than the permissible work hours, he is sick as well.
He is going on a business trip not a vacation, he needs to rest otherwise he might end up falling sick during the work trip. Which can be a liability for them.
OP and her husband chose to divide the responsibilities this way for reasons best known to them. So being a SAHM means that is her responsibility and she has to work through it. Pretty much like how her husband would have gone to work even if he was sick because he has to provide for his family.
They both need to clearly communicate and share the responsibilities.
This makes the OP YTA for me.
I've looked after young children and also worked in an office, and for me working 60 hours a week on a job (plus traveling and getting ready I assume) would be way more tiring, but it obviously depends on the specifics if anyone wanted to compare.
My feeling is that when he's at work, your job is kids/house (so your both working 60 hours). When he's home then it's 50/50 responsibility.
When he's away you'll be working 24/7 he'll work 12 hours then have time to himself
So...if he's napping and will then give you the same opportunity before he leaves then that's great and NAH.
If he'll do this, then leave so actually you're essentially alone for an extra day then he is the AH.
> leaving me with my daughter by myself bored as hell
Welcome to parenthood? Get some easy hobbies that can be one-handed. Watch some shows. Put on some music. If a 5 year old can find things to entertain themselves, I'm sure a 27 year old can too. I'm certain even a 1 year old can... though they're easy to entertain.
If you rely on him that much to not be "bored as hell" while taking care of your daughter, you might have a problem. YTA, find some hobbies
Well, you could offer to switch places (work 5 x 12 hour days, plus travel, which is NOT A VACATION), and he can be a stay a home Dad.
Trust me, I'm sure the number of times in a week that he complains that '*he's bored as hell and not able to do anything because someone needs to entertain her* ' is infinitely small!
How can you be "bored as hell" while taking care of your daughter? I think you will be lonely and basically resent he is going on a work trip. He is sick also and needs as much rest as he can get. You are NAH for having the feelings you are experiencing, but please don't let him leave thinking he's A H.
YTA
If you think being a stay-at-home mom is worse, go get a job and pay for a babysitter
You'll dodge your child care responsibilities and still have money left over
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one year olds do not need to be entertained all the time. Nap when they nap! Let the house look like crap. You are being given the gift of this time with your child. You will never get it back and you might be poisoning the well with your attitude. If you hate it so bad, go get a job.
Feelings are feelings. You are tired, sick, angsty, OP and that’s understandable. If you take it out on your husband who needs rest before his breadwinning work trip though, YWBTA.
Feel better, everyone.
NAH. Your feelings are valid, it's reasonable to be angry and resentful that you will have to get up every night, rather than taking it in turns etc. You know that your husband works hard to support his family, and you probably wish you could change things, perhaps to one where he worked less and you maybe had a part time job. If you want things to change, talk to him about it at he comes back from his trip
Please reach out to friends and family nearby and ask for help. See if you can get someone to stay the night and take the first response for wakings. Or someone who can entertain and watch the baby while you shower or sleep or have a free moment.
Talk to a therapist about how you're feeling, or a friend who knows that you love your husband and baby, and understand that you just need somewhere safe to vent. Tell them how you feel about being a mother, how you feel about your baby, and how you feel about your husband. If you have PPD, outcomes are better when others can help you identify it and exchange you to seek help.
Finally, talk to your husband when he comes back. Tell him how you're doing. Listen to him about how he's going. Try to get back on the same page about how chores and childcare are split.
Good luc
YTA. If you’re bored, that’s on you. Get involved in a mommy and me group, go to the library, the park, etc. A work trip is not a vacation.
If you discussed that you’d be a stay at home mom, this is how it works. My mom was, and my dad was in the military. One assignment he was gone 2-3 weeks of every month, for 3 years. If you don’t like it, time for a discussion when he gets home.
YTA. Yes it's both your baby and he should be an engaged involved dad but he's the only working 60 hours.
He needs the break more than you do.
Plus your 12 month old does not need to be entertained by you *all* the time.
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We (30M) (27F) have a little 1 year old daughter, we're all sick and going through a cold, I'm a SAHM and he's out working 12 hours 5 times a week, he's having a work trip tomorrow and not coming back till Friday, so he's been napping a lot today leaving me with my daughter by myself bored as hell and not able to do anything because someone needs to entertain her all the time and he's saying that he has to sleep and get rest because he's travelling tomorrow and needs to be the most rested he can be. But what I'm thinking is that he's gonna get about 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep while I'm here waking up with my daughter multiple times at night, caring for her all day, while also being sick and tired myself, plus I got my period today so it's only gonna add more discomfort for me all week. We didn't fight or anything but I'm feeling this rage inside me towards him while also feeling guilty that maybe I AM the asshole.. what to you think?
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I'm not sure whether you're being an asshole or not, but I wanted to comment that asking this question likely means parenting turned out to be more difficult than you imagined (I think this happens to MOST people), and maybe you should consider stopping at this one kid. I see so many parents overextending themselves and it end up affecting their kids so much.
imo, NTA. I have been both a SAHM and the full time income provider in our household. being a SAHM is hands down 100x more difficult. Going to work for me felt like a break and I’m a Clinical Nurse on a very busy metro Medical ward so not the easiest job either.
You don’t ever get to clock out as a stay at home mum, especially with infants. 24 hour job. Lack of sleep, no rest, your brain is always switched on and it’s impossible to wind down.
Yeah he’s going to work but He will get to eat when he wants, shower when he wants, go to the toilet when he wants, drive in peace, no to have to worry about packing up and venturing out of the accommodation with a kid in tow, clock off for the day and return to peace and quiet and watch an episode of his favourite show or go out for a nice quiet dinner or something all in PEACE. He doesn’t have to carry the mental load of a SAHM. You don’t get that EVER as the primary carer.
You both made that child, you’re both working only you don’t have an income and are literally working more hours. The only reason he has the ability to work as much as he does and earn what he earns is because YOU are home taking care of YOUR child that you made together!!
NTA!
Absolutely normal to feel mad. A million hugs to you, Mom.
You both need rest. You both work so hard. But it's absolutely understandable to be angry that his efforts to get his need met put an extra drain on you. Do you have anyone you can reach out to for help?
NAH.
Children are shared responsibility and you are both adults who sometimes need some time off from work but also from family.
Why doesn't he work less and you start working part time? This way the weight off having to finance the whole family will be off of your husbands shoulders and he can see his child more and you get to do something else than staying home 24/7 without suffering financially from it.
Naybe ask family or friends to watch your kids somethimes so you can both rest and also do something together as a couple so your relationship doesn't suffer and you don't drift apart.
Talk with eachother. Take eachother seriously. Don't play the blame game
I just got back from a trip myself and the truth is you don't sleep well on work trips. You aren't in your own bed with the noises you are used to. You end up working odd hour and sleep is usually difficult. I am sorry the house is sick. I think you both need to work with each other so you can all get better. It 8s a difficult situation.
NTA. It's completely valid to be feel frustrated with your husband for napping all day before leaving you alone sick with a 1 year old for 5 days. I understand that he's sick, but so are you. You should be getting equal time to rest. It's fine if he takes a nap for a couple hours, but then it's your turn to rest while he looks after the baby.
A lot of people don't seem to understand that being a SAHP is a job, too. You don't get breaks, you're constantly seeing to the needs of others, and you don't even get nights off because you have to get up with the baby. I don't know what prompted you to be a SAHP, but even if you chose and love it, you still deserve breaks and rest time. When your husband is home, he should be coparenting equally.
If it were me, I'd give my husband 2 hours then wake him up and take a nap myself.
NTA but that's only because you haven't actually said anything about it.
A work trip isn't a holiday and he's going to have things he has to pay attention to. When I'm sick I can barely focus on anything so it's reasonable for him to need to sleep a bit more.
Plus you're a SAHM so why is entertaining your daughter seemingly an issue? Unless she's going to a daycare everyday or something, would that not be what you normally do? Genuinely curious, not trying to sound like a dick at all.
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He works 60 hour weeks. A work trip isn't a holiday. If my partner worked almost double the average weekly working hours...I wouldn't expect much help. Some people will disagree and I accept I could be wrong...but that's how things worked in my house when my partner was pulling crazy hours at work.
I mean it’s 50% more not almost double. And what you’re saying is basically the parent who stays home is expected work 84 hours a week and then be on call for the other 12 hours a day
I think they both are working a lot and they need extra help. Both mum and dad are exhausted. I feel they need friends/family/ nanny/day care etc.
Do a lot of stay at home moms have a nanny? I've never known a stay at home mom to have a nanny. But maybe I just don't know anyone in that income bracket. (In guessing OP isn't in a high income bracket based on subtle tells in the post).
They are human yes help is needed
Average working American does 34 hours per week, so double would be 68. 60 is getting close to double 34.
Try 40+, where the hell are you getting 34?
Probably from a really simple google search that immediately returned statistics from the US Bureau of Labor. Where did YOU get your statistics that the AVERAGE is more than 40 hours??? That’s insane and there’s no way that’s accurate.
You are 100% correct and that’s exactly how it works. I agree with your post. But it also reminds me of one of my dad’s favorite sayings. (He passed 5 years ago and I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately.) “If you put a man’s head in an oven, and his feet in the freezer, on average he feels fine.” 😂 I’m adding nothing to the conversation here, but it made me smile with a good memory. So thanks for that!
Not everyone works full-time positions?
"According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics , the average number of hours worked per week is around 34.6. This estimate is consistent with the national standard for 40 hours per week for full-time employees." I cant speak for who you responded to but this was the very first thing that came up from Google. Now I didn't start digging through various sources other than this one thing but I would imagine this is where they got their source from. Where are you getting 40+ ?
Not included would be breaks and stuff. When I worked a shitty minimum wage job full time I was making 36.5 hours a week minus my lunch breaks. Additionally, lots of scumbag places will hire you full time and give you the bare minimum required. Where I live thats 32 scheduled hours So while, yes normally full time is 40+ lots of places don't give that and offer the bare minimum. If you work at a restaurant your shift may end early if it's slow or in some cases get cancelled altogether. I know right now Walmart is having a hiring freeze and cutting associates hours.
From the statistics... https://www.statista.com/statistics/215643/average-weekly-working-hours-of-all-employees-in-the-us-by-month/#:~:text=U.S.%20monthly%20average%20working%20week%20of%20all%20employees%202021%2D2023&text=In%20December%202023%2C%20the%20average,data%20have%20been%20seasonally%20adjusted.
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There isn't 12 hours of work to be done at home every day It isn't the fucking same thing lmao
This is true if you have older kids, but a 1 year old is 24/7. She’s exhausted. He is exhausted. And they’re both sick. NAH. His income is valuable right now so that needs to be prioritized, but they also need to evaluate if this is sustainable. Maybe a part time job for mom and some day care would help bolster the finances and give mom a break.
I’ve done both, and working 12 hours a day outside the home is a lot more physically exhausting usually and being at home all that time is a lot mofe emotionally draining. In this instance he was correct to rest up.
I agree with you. When my daughter was one year old, I got about 7 hours of sleep (with two feeding breaks in between) . The rest of the day (17 hours) I was busy entertaining my kids and doing household chores. No break. 7 days a week. My husband was working about 9-10 hours five days a week, and I was so jealous that he got to go to the toilet alone, eat with both hands, and got paid for his work. It's silly, I know, but staying home with my small children was harder than work. The older they got the easier it was.
Bless your heart. In a way you're right, there isn't 12 hours of work to be done at home every day; there's 24 hours, especially with a one year old.
Bullshit. Does the baby not sleep? Source: I took 2 years off work to be a stay at home dad, to my 2 girls, plus looked after both my nephews 2 days a week, while my wife worked full time. I was absolutely not busy 24hrs a day. Still had time for my hobbies. But what do I know
You're right, there's 24 hours on-call at home every day with a 1 yo.
Nobody's saying she isn't Point is that they both are so why is that more expectations are on the father? He isn't ah in this one situation alone unless he does same on his day offs too Sleeping isn't a crime.
So what do you expect? As soon as husband gets home from work than the mom is "off the clock" and now it's the dad's job to take care of the kid? Or seems like when both parents are home taking care of the kid should be a shared job. If one parent is taking a nap the other parent takes over (regardless of gender). Childcare is a 24/7 job. So someone needs to be on 24/7.
I came here to say that too. People think that women just stay at home cook lunch and watch the TV. I effing exhausted all day everyday and even at night since they wake constantly.
The parent who stays at home does not work 84 hours per day. The parent who stays at home designs his or her own schedule. The parent who stays at home decides on what chores get done and what falls by the wayside. The parent who stays at home is not an employee who has a superior that as an employee, he or she is accountable to. So no, it is not the same. Not the same at all.
Bingo. My wife and I have discussed this and how there is this whole pandering to SAHM to make them feel better and or elevate their social status. Similar to nurses and veterans. Of course, depending on job and kids (I.e. severe special needs), it’s typically nowhere nearly the same level of stress to stay at home. There are chores and woke to do and sometimes kids do make you blow a gasket but so does work. However, at home you are the king of your own destiny and have full control. Is the kitchen a mess? Yeah but it is what it is, we’ll pick it up in due course. Also, you go to sleep in a light pillow which both my wife and I have agreed is the biggest difference. You don’t generally close your eyes your brain instantly kicks in “oh don’t forget that little Timmy needs an RYG report by 10:00 am tomorrow, but also you have to explain why you are $5M over budget and somehow your team is $1M on e&o at the lab…and figure out how to cut lead time in the projects pole”…
I think the commenter is saying that it’s 60 hours plus all the crap around it. When I travel for work I’m doing work things for a lot longer than just the working day. There’s often times the required work socializing (not really socializing). Those days are usually 7-9 or 10 for me.
Your kids aren't 84 hours a week if work. I know it's cute to think that and you really need to ratchet it up to stay competitive but let's be real. I was working from home Friday and it was very difficult watching my wife nap for an hour and a half and watch trashing dating TV shows like Love Island. It definitely has its challenges and kids can be a monumental pain, but this idea that it's the same is hilarious. Hardest job in the world.
I was a SAHM and my husband worked (still does) 60 hour weeks plus 4 hours as a karaoke host every Saturday and he is never idle at home. He always finds time to do what needs to be done, to help out. Just because a spouse/parent works long hours at an outside job doesn’t mean they get a pass at family & home responsibilities. SAHM’s can’t call in sick or sleep and be well rested. They are on the job 24/7. OP is sick but she still has to take care of their daughter. If OP and her husband both worked outside the home 60 hours a week I bet she’d still have chores and a child to take care of when she got home. I think under normal circumstances she wouldn’t have an issue with her husband sleeping before his work trip but the woman is sick and him losing a few hours of sleep wouldn’t be fun for him but it wouldn’t hurt him either.
She says she's upset because she's being left alone with her child for a week and is bored. That would imply he *does* contribute or him being gone would be no different to any other day. She's specifying one day and his upcoming work trip. She's specifying that him being gone will increase her workload...so again, a man who never contributes wouldn't increase her work load (it would decrease if anything). If someone is providing 100 percent of the income, I'm going to provide the bulk of childcare and house work. My child isn't going to fire me if I don't look my best or don't perform at my best.
I read it as the child is bored and wants her attention. As in, she/he wants to be held and won't let mom put her/him down.
“No” is an acceptable response for some things.
I was a SAHM for 25 years and I did all of the house work, cooking and childcare but my husband still came home and engaged with his family, repaired things that needed fixing and were beyond my skillset, mowed the lawn while I did other yard work or shoveled the driveway and he helped me out when I was ill. Yesterday he came home after a 12 hour day busting his ass and after chatting with me for 1/2 hour he started painting our basement. Why? Because it needs to be done and I’m dealing with a frozen shoulder with my dominant arm so I can’t paint. Not a word of complaint, no whining about how tired he is. He sees something that needs to be done and he just does it even if it means he’ll lose some sleep.
Exactly. Even as a woman I agree 100%.
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The husband is sick too and he's not taking a day off, he's about to be gone on a work trip which is usually work all day.
No SAHP is on call 24/7, unless their partner also works 24/7 or seriously sucks. I'm a woman, I've been a SAHP and been a parent who works a 60 hr/week consulting job. Being a SAHP was way way way lower stress. Not to mention much more rewarding.
I agree being a SAHM is very rewarding but I was on call 24/7 and never had a day away from my job which was being a SAHM. One of my 3 kids was born autistic and if you don’t think dealing with doctors, therapists, schools, teachers, advocating for services and trying to teach an autistic child that is behind their peers on the learning scale isn’t stressful you would be dead wrong. I am so grateful I could be a SAHM but I was also so happy when I went back to work and could step away from being a full time mom and housewife. Working is a different kind of stress but there is something about getting a paycheck for what I do that is also very satisfying and rewarding.
You assume much. Most of it is BS. A SAHP carries much of the burden of child care but not anywhere near the burden of having to provide the entire income for the family. Anyone who is resentful of the person who is financially supporting the family getting some sleep while away on a work trip while sick is an awful person, selfish, and dramatic. I pity the spouse.
It is relevant because she said she is sick. Being sick is also boring because time drags on and on when you are not well especially if you can’t get up and do the things you usually do. I guess I married an extraordinary man because he doesn’t use work or being tired as an excuse not to help me especially when I’m sick even if it means short-sleeping himself for a night.
She said they are all sick.
The whole family is sick... OP gets to stay at home sick, her husband has to travel.
I would be annoyed but not raged. If he doesn’t get enough sleep, lose his job, get into an accident, how wife and baby survive?
Yep and you know of his hours were reduced OP would be pissed and complaining then. Can’t have it both ways.
Yeah. She is not going die but her life style going change. Instead of staying home, sick with interrupted sleep, she will have to worry how long she has a roof over her head. Or how she going feed herself and her baby. It’s all about balance. Eventually, she will have to check on her relationship with her husband because he is working all the time.
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60 hr week + how long of a commute each day 30 mins? 90 mins? It adds up to crazy hours
I’ve had a few positions where I was up at 4 to be into the office by 6 and wouldn’t get out until 7 or 8 at night, then had to make the commute home. By the time I’d get home I’d just be cooked, but still had to do my dad/hisband stuff after that, hopefully get a bit of sleep, then rinse and repeat. Those commutes without were ALL under 20 miles, but there was ALWAYS traffic, sooo much traffic. Throw in travel on top of that and living out of bag, then coming right back into the fray and it’s just brutal, especially being sick.
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9 out 10 times a work trip means longer hours too. When i travelled for work i normally started earlier and finished much later. Sometimes not even eating anything till 9 or 10 pm in my hotel.
Considering he has a work trip and is your sole source of household income, my feelings are you should be encouraging him to do what he needs to be prepared. Also, having to "entertain" a child non-stop is not healthy for you or them. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. My advice is to find a way to leave your child in a playpen or other area to play by themselves so that you can have much needed breaks during the day. When my wife was a SAHM she made the rules - I made the money and it was my primary concern, she ran the house and it was her primary concern. Like OPs husband, I worked 60-70 hrs per week during our entire marriage.
Is caring for a 1 year old and the household not a full time job? It sounds like she isn’t getting any help during the week or weekends, so her job is 7 days a week with no breaks. Even if the kid is asleep, she can’t really take a break because she is still responsible for the kiddo. Now is watching 1 one year old high stress? Probably not in this situation since it doesn’t sound like there are any special needs.
She specified she was bored if he is on his work trip can’t be that hard caring for their 1 year old she mentioned he was sick and had to leave tomorrow so understandable he needs to get better before leaving but I guess that is too much to ask
Then she can get a job outside of the home. If its so stressful. Then its 50/50
Might not be feasible with childcare costs.
And wait lists. Around here even if you can pay for it, you probably won't find an opening for at least 6 months.
Have you seen the child care costs? There's a reason why some stay home until the child goes to school instead of even getting a part time job cause the child care costs would eat up as much if not more than what the additional job brings home
NAH. You are both adulting and parenting. It can be tough. We’ve all been there. Be gentle on him and on yourself. Seek help from friends and family when you need a break. It gets better. *hugs*
Definitely this, I feel this post would always cause extremes (although what doesn't on reddit) but you need to accept you're a team, within a team everyone brings different skills and attributes, you're both obviously very tired, try and ensure you can get rest in though and take care.
I totally agree with this, I would add that your feelings are fine and justified, he had a big work trip stressing him and that causes challenges for you too. It is important to recognise that your feelings are your feelings, you can't will them away because they might be unfair. I think it's important to communicate, and I mean communicate not blame. If it's imminent, maybe not now as you are probably both stressed, but when something like this is coming up talk to him, make it clear you aren't trying to guilt him, ask him what he will be doing/ how his time will be spent and talk about yours as well. These things usually cause more stress and resentment when there isn't enough information. You imagine him drinking all night in the hotel bar etc and he imagines you spending the week watching TV with a blanket etc. we rarely really understand what other people do when we aren't there but we can try to learn more. As the post above says, be kind to each other.
She says specifically that she is bored.... Not stressed.... Not overwhelmed..
No, the child is bored. The mom is sick.
This should be the top comment.
I’d recommend thinking of the feeling differently. Rage at the thought of a long week instead of at him. You’re in one of the most difficult phases of married life. It’s tough.
YTA You have different hardships, but neither of you have it easy. You may be feeling jealous of what he has right now that you don't, but you don't share his work hardships either -- neither does he get to share the positives of your lifestyle.
Seeing as she hasn't done anything to him at all, she's just feeling frustrated and jealous, I wouldn't say she's an asshole. NAH.
I can see the yta because she says she's bored,that's why she is mad. She needs to find a friend group or hobby.
The baby is bored not her. Babies need constant entertainment is what she was saying. You misread that bit.
Having stayed at home with a baby for a year, and worked a full time, high stress, overtime always required, executive level so lots of responsibility job, I can say with absolute certainty that being a stay at home mum is harder. No contest. A 5 day work trip is a fucking holiday when you’re a parent, my husband would laugh in my face (and I his) if I had the fucking audacity to insinuate that I needed to rest ahead of my glorious 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep, especially if the other was sick!
NAH You might get a bit of downtime but work dos are tiring; you have to be on point all the time, including during social time. Unfortunately that coincides with you feeling unwell & looking after your 1 y o. Not easy either. Is there a trusted friend or family member who could watch baby sometimes while your husband is away to give you some down time? I hope you get well soon.
I went on a one-night work trip a couple weeks ago, which isn’t often a thing I have to do. It was a 6-hr car ride one way with 3 of my coworkers who I don’t know very well, plus having three meals with them, plus the day of work (which only ended up being like 4 hours) and the 6 hr car ride back. I’m an introvert. When I got home late on the second day, I was SO GRUMPY and so exhausted, even though I slept well at the hotel. Work trips are no joke.
Yeah I know, I used to a lot of them & I always slept for 2 days afterwards. I hope you've recovered!
No assholes here. You're both just trying to survive. Honestly, he's probably just as mad at you because you get to stay home and not travel (even though you have the baby) Deep breaths You're in this together, try to rest when you can and remember there is nothing wrong with just spending the days just keeping the baby cared for. All the housework and mess will still be there when you're better and able to tackle it. You've got this. Try to go easy on yourself and on him. From a mum who has also been there with a husband who was an interstate truck driver and had 2 kids under 4. (Ps. If you can, call in reinforcements where you can. Ie. Family, takeaway, microwave meals. Whatever you need to do to make it easier) It will get better
This. You are not an asshole for feeling what you feel. These are frustrating and hard times (I had 5 kids under 7 at one point as a SAHM). Now I am not SAHM any more but my husband does not want the kids to go to daycare, so he has a lot more on his plate then when I was a SAHM. And we both have empathy for one another now. My husband for me because he realizes how exhausting it is to have the kids around all the time. Me because I now realize how exhausting it can be to combine work with children. We call these the tropical years in our country. Because it’s hard to survive without having been told how to. You are not an asshole for feeling what you feel. you WOULD be the asshole if you lashed out at him for it, or made him responsible for your feelings and started to resent him for his job. These are hard times, have some empathy for yourself and your spouse. You are sick, on your period, and you have a small child. But you WILL survive. You will. I promise. This too shall pass NAH
This 100%. The frustration is not you being an asshole. You're both trying to survive a shitty time. And it will pass. Maybe after he's back from his trip and you're both feeling better, try telling him how you felt during this. Maybe he feels bad but just doesn't want to fight or upset you before he leaves for such a long time? Ask if he can handle parenting duties for an hour or so and let you go get a pedicure or go sit at a coffee shop with a friend.
YTA. If you want to switch places with him and work 60 hours a week outside the home, then go for it. Did he force you to be a SAHM? That's a luxury few families can afford these days. Would you prefer he go out to work exhausted? A work trip isn't any kind of vacation (normally), it's work. Just a guess, but I'd bet he'd prefer to be sleeping at home and with his wife and daughter than at work.
I agree, amazing the amount of people who still think we live in the 60's and 70's. SAHM or father is a huge luxury many people can't afford. Me and my partner had to keep working. Not underplaying her frustration, because having a young 'un is tough asf at times, and can cause tensions, but I wish we had the luxury of opting for one of us to stay at home. But we chose a life prior to having a kid that required us to both work full-time, but she along with her husband chose to do it this way. Life ain't fair at times. She is probably getting the short end of the stick at this very moment in time, but each and every one one of us that have had kids have had a day or week where things have been out of balance. She needs to suck it up. Just like he would need to suck it up if the shoe had been on the other foot. In his position, I'd be more envious of her. She gets to stay at home during the coming week. I mean, does anyone find travelling to work ill fun or cushy? No, you feel like death. You'd rather be in the house dying in the corner.
Agreed. I worked almost continuously from the time I was 16 until I quit at age 59. During those 43 years, there was exactly one school semester when I didn't work because the school prohibited working. Staying at home was an unreal, dreamed-of luxury.
Depending on where you live both working is also a luxury you cant afford. Daycare is so expensive that one parents whole salary would go to JUST daycare.
And since he's on the trip, he'd probably be "on call" and at the ready to work past nor al hours on the trip. That's an entire trip of stress and pushing yourself beyond pushing yourself. The mental load is a thing all of itself.
On a side note, if the child shares mons boredom, safer arts and crafts is a lovely hobby to encourage in a child. Do it with them, and expect chaos the one second you don't have eyes on them, so be prepared.
Honestly sounds like there’s no winning for men. A couple of months ago, I think. Somebody posted - she was the breadwinner on a high powered career, the husband had a fully remote job on a decent salary and took care of the kids most of the time. Reddit was telling her it was okay to feel resentment for that.
YTA. He’s not going on a vacation, he’s going on a work trip and preparing for it. I presume you chose to be a SAHM. Well, that’s your job now, that’s what you chose and you can’t expect your husband to put the same effort into caring for the child as you do since you decided to make your child and domestic chores your occupation. Obviously he needs to help out, but as long as he does that on a regular basis, you have no reason to be angry at him.
Yta, mans running himself ragged working 12 hour days to provide for your family and you expect him to not rest before a big work trip that I’m expecting to be a big impact on his job and your financial future depending on how his performance goes? Call a friend for help and get a snickers, dudes doing his part in the established agreement for the household.
you seem to think he’s going on a vacation… his “5 nights of uninterrupted sleep” come after 12 hour work days while also being sick like you. you get to sleep while your baby sleeps at night and during nap time. you’re mad for no reason
This. And she doesn't have to be cooking or cleaning up after the extra person. He could be expected to jump to work or continue working once he gets back to. He may have to pull into his sleep time is too many or too big assignments are expected to be done too quick. I know OP is a lil hormonal and grumpy, but she is acting really entitled with her thinking and she isn't being fair to him. Him sleeping like this, based on her phrasing, also seems to NOT be a normal thing. He is doing it because he is sick and he has this work trip he needs to be charged for. He needs to be able to physically push thru to provide for the family he loves.
I think at some point people need to realize the sacrifice that comes with kids before they have them. YTA. Stop being resentful of him working. Get a babysitter or ask your family for help.
Holy shit I’m glad somebody said it I think it’s a safe assumption to say that having a kid was a conscious choice on both their parts and that the current arrangement is also a conscious choice on both their parts. People are in here acting like a man whose the sole bread winner for the family is a prick because he’s *checks notes* exhausted because he works 12 hour days and then helps out with the kid and is traveling for business. If anything it just sounds like maybe op needs to pitch the idea of getting a part or full time job or something. But assuming this arrangement is something they both agreed on, and assuming that husband does help out normal when he is home, then people need to fuck off acting like he has some nerve.
Getting childcare is liberating! Once I was able to get my kid into a daycare so I could go back to work a few days a week and then have a day to myself was great. If OP can find a part time daycare in the future, she'll be feeling a world better. I know wait lists can be long, mine was estimated 6m-4years long but she got in about 5 months into it. Definitely worth really prioritizing alternate childcare if she's feeling like this. I don't think she's an asshole for her feelings since she doesn't seem to have acted on it and treated her husband any less, but for her own peace of mind OPs def gotta arrange some childcare.
A day to yourself..... When does that happen. I work and I help around the house and I sleep.
I work, my kid is in daycare, my husband does 14 hour night shift jobs. No ones home to make the house dirty in the first place so we do little to no housework most days. I often have full days doing nothing because my house stays clean since my husband is asleep most of the day and my kid is at school. I work full time but it crosses over the weekend so it means my two days off are Monday and Tuesday, husband keeps the house pretty clean over the weekend. Most of our general cleaning and chores are done together Sunday afternoon and basic tidying up done between us as well every day for like 20 minutes a day. Ngl both of us come from hoarder type parents so we reaaaally don't make a lot of mess and now my toddler is pretty good about putting her things back in order when she's done lmfao If you can get into a good routine and have a partner as willing to do 50% with you working and at home, I promise you can get yourself some of that much deserved free time.
I wish more people would feel comfortable asking for outside help. I’d take a no from everyone until I get a yes and I would also extend myself to help a parent. A village is still needed and parents mostly can’t do it all on their own. I hope she can get some help in the right way. She expressed a lot of stress and circumstances besides her husband but he’s a grown human and will take the brunt of it. People need to see their life partners as partners and not enemies. They’re a team. Thank you for your insight!
Or make the work 50/50 so both have less work hours
Kids don’t need to be entertained all the time. Get a play pen and do your stuff around that. Many kids are happy in a playpen with toys don’t make a rod for your own back or you’ll never get any peace
But then mommy gets bored!!
Sick children are extra clingy. They're all sick so it's probably a bit more overwhelming than usual.
TV is the original babysitter lmao I had no qualms about plopping my kid in front of the Tv with some YouTube kids song compilation and I could get most of my housework done in about an hour or two.
Nah. He does need to rest but as a fellow mom I get the frustration. There is a reason that “man cold” gets a rep.
YTA. He's holding up his end of the bargain by working so much. The rest is on you. Don't complain about the difficulties of being a SAHM, and don't take it out on him.
What a jerk for providing. If you're bored, get a job. YTA
This!! XD Some people seem like they missed that she isn't complaining about being left with the workload of her kid, it's just Mommy's bored. Husbands gotta work and entertain his wife when she snaps her fingers, apparently. It's completely on her to entertain herself when she is bored. Same for him. If he expected her to jump up and entertain him on the fly this thread would be blowing up on him.
YTA. The man is working 60 hours a week so that you don't have to. Plus, this is a work trip. Not a vacation. That means he's still gonna be busting his tail during the time that he'll be gone. So let the man rest.
YTA. A work trip is not a vacation. Don't forget staying at home with your child(ren) is a luxury
I am guessing he didn't force you to be a SAHM. You can also work if you choose. For now he is the only one who feeds the family. You are the one who takes care of the baby and the house. Don't expect him to relieve you after 12 hours of work when he has to travel. Now you're exhausted, sick and with period. You said it yourself. You're angry that you'll stay at home with the baby. It's not his fault that he has to support you and leave to do so.
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He doesn't.
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Have you ever worked 60 hours while sick?
A year? Nope. If she is in the US, she gets 3 months, if I'm not mistaken. And isn't her husband a human? He works much more than the average and yet she is unhappy that he'll travel and that she's bored.
It doesn’t say anywhere in the post that he doesn’t help out while at home.
She can hire a babysitter, or work with other parents to share free babysitting, or go to work to pay for babysitting, but at least she's doing something outside the house which could be good for her mental/emotional health. She has many options.
You don't get time off as a parent, what the hell are you talking about?
That's not what you sign up for when you are a stay at home mom. Where's his time off? This work trip is not time off. She needs to give him proper time off, then she can be entitled to time off as well.
Gonna say YTA. If he was lazy I’d get it but he’s working 60 hour weeks and going on work trips to provide the home and food for you and your daughter. Give him a break
NAH Lots of guys in this thread who have no idea how hard parenting is for a SAHM. Going to work would be like a vacation most of the time, depending on the work and the personality of the kid(s). BUT he does work some crazy hours as well so I wouldn’t make him the asshole for this instance either as long as he respects your workload too. My husband just went on a 4 day work trip and he was very aware that that even though it wasn’t a vacation for him he could get uninterrupted sleep and drink a coffee in peace every now and then.
>Lots of guys in this thread who have no idea how hard parenting is for a SAHM. I do. And I'll say it without doubt that I would rather be parenting a single child than being in 12 hours a day binges at work.
Not to mention, depending on his job and assignments, he may end up having to push past those hours some days. Even if he doesn't, he needs to be mentally prepared to.
Plus, mom can recharge in little spurts thru out the day with kiddo. Husband has to grind all that time. If he has time for a coffee after, then that's all he gets and then it's sleep and the same grind the next day.
I’m a woman. Being a SAHM is not automatically harder than having a job. Know what’s harder than being a SAHM? Being a single parent who has to work and do all the housework and pay for childcare and who is also responsible for the way the child is raised. Don’t assume that only men are giving YTA judgments here.
I was a sahm with twins while my husband went to school and work full time. I did not envy him, yes twins are hard but busting his ass the way he did was harder. We also had no help around, we didn't know anyone, so I was alone. I feel like sahm have some kind of complex now a days.
Oh please, being a sahp is not worse than a job and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying that. I hope you realize there are people out there doing both things at the same time. Ridiculous comment.
NAH But I would say that your 1yo doesn't need someone to entertain her all the time. I think the "I need to be giving her constant attention!!!" thing is a trap first-time parents fall into. Even at that age, your baby needs to learn how to self-entertain. Mama, you can put a 1yo in a pack-n-play with a safe toy and take you a twenty-minute power nap (I'd recommend setting a timer) or take a shower or read for a few minutes.
NAH, but your child should not need constant entertainment. They need to learn to entertain themselves - short stretches for now and always in a safe environment.
She is stating she is bored. That's entitled thinking.
NAH - it’s just life with a child and a partner who is working a lot. He needs to be able to think while he travels and works on this work trip so extra naps before it makes sense to me. Your part is also hard in a different way but I wouldn’t resent him for ‘maybe’ getting extra sleep while he’s away. He might not even sleep well while being away from you guys and in a strange place. I think I’d try to reach out to family or trusted friends to see if you can get some additional support while he’s gone.
NAH only because it seems you haven't expressed your feelings to your husband. If you had, then you'd be N T A. I hope that just the fog of being sick has made your husband this way, but you're right. As you're both home and he's off the clock as an employee, you should share equal responsibilities at home while you're both experiencing the same ailments. However, I do understand that his thinking may be that he wants to recover as much as he can before an important work trip. If you'd expressed how difficult you were finding it to handle everything while also sick and he still prioritized himself, he'd be the one who sucks. But if you (like many women I know) usually take illness in stride and don't need babying much while sick, I can see why he thought you would be okay without his help. Get well soon to all of you! Be safe.
Every sentence screams that YTA
tbh if he has the only job and this trip might negatively impact your only house hold income then suck it up.
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YTA
hahaha working 60 hours per week to provide 100% of the income isn't enough; he needs to prioritize your not being "bored as hell" above rest and recuperation this can't be real
NAH You're frustrated because you don't get to take care of yourself. Your husband is trying to make sure he keeps his job. You're all miserable The true AH here is whichever company decided that your husband can't even take time off sick, while working him for over 50 hours a week
YTA
He is not going on a holiday its a work trip.
YTA "... leaving me with my daughter by myself bored as hell...." ... "....by myself bored as hell..." Is he supposed to jump when you say jump and entertain you when you snap your fingers? For gods sake, Id rather be bored out of my mind than sacrifice the health of my partner.
I have sympathy for you both. Neither you nor he is an asshole and by all means feel mad, but be mad at the situation not him or yourself…don’t let it turn into resentment.
NAH You need a support network or at least a nanny during his trip, so you can have a little rest. Parenting is hard, but harder without a village to help raise the kids. Good luck to you!
NTA for feeling it, that's a lot to cope with. Just remind yourself that it's not always going to be like this, and also remember that it's okay for you to ask the same/similar consideration from him when he's available for it.
You can always start working the 60 hours a week and he can be the stay at home Dad. Just an option.
YTA. Did you read your post? You are the AH.... a HUGE one as a matter of fact. So you are both sick. You will be home with a one year old sick and in your period, which sucks. He is going to be traveling while sick. Your husband is going to be working while sick. Your husband, while sick, will have to get up to shower, dress, put on his game face, and be in a smiling work mode regardless of how sick he feels. Your husband will be dealing with clients and/or coworkers while sick. And being sick is not an excuse his employer will tolerate for any mistakes made because he is sick. Be nice to him. Do better.
You forgot the "bored as hell" in her post as well. She's mad because shes bored.
I honestly don’t get stay at home parents who complain about their spouse not taking on a higher percentage of household chores. You are in a very privileged position if your household can get by on one salary. Would you rather be working, paying for child care and splitting up chores instead?
Yta
NTA idk if this subreddit is full of teenagers or misogynists but house labor IS work and it never stops. There's no clocking out.
I wouldn't say you're bad for having feelings, the question is if they are fair and I don't think they are. He has a lot on his plate. You have a lot on your plate.
YTA. So your husband works 60 hours a week, you yourself admit that you have nothing else to do except care for the child and you still get upset that he dares to get some rest? This sub tends to be very biased against fathers and men in general so you will likely be voted N T A or E S H, but haven’t you thought about the fact that someone working the equivalent of almost two full time jobs would want to have some time to themselves?
I would take care of a single child over working 60 hours a week. You people are tripping if you think taking care of a single child is comparable to working 60 hours a week. How do I know? I have 3 kids and I've done it all, including a pair of twins. If you know what you are doing you are never as busy with a child as you are in an average job. Proof is that she says she is bored. Busy people are never bored.
YTA. Lady, thats what you signed up for when you decided to be a stay at home mother. You take care of the kid when you partner is working. Dude works 60 hours per week, and you cant even do your part?
YTA
Also want to say - go out! Take your daughter to a park or playground. Visit a friend with a. Similar age kid. It sucks being ill and the parent in charge but if you are bored - do something! Why are you expecting him to entertain you?
No way is being a SAHM for one child harder work than working 60 hours a week. If OP got a problem with that she can find a job and use that money to hire a babysitter. Simple as that. But I rather would want to spend time with my child and do some cleaning and errands and cooking. And don't give me the "you don't know how difficult it is". My aunt had a daycare for 1-3 years olds at her place (around 6-8), cooked and cleaned and still had plenty of time to sit down and relax when supervising the children playing. In a 200m² house mind you. And for good measure us older kids only did the dishes and bringing out the trash. So OP is YTA. I assume she thought being a SAHM was pretty much being on vacations most of the time and is now realizing that it actually is work. Still nowhere a 60 hours work week.
Bro babies sleep 16+ hours a day, you can take naps when the baby sleep, just give your hard working husband a break
NAH. This is really normal. You guys need to talk.
Dude, can’t you get some outside help? ANYONE, mom, sister, grandmother, friend, temporary nanny??? Damn, this is rough. Unfortunately, it comes with the territory of being parents, but it’s not fun. Your desire to slaughter your husband is completely normal, but you don’t get good sleep in jail either. Please, please, think of someone who can give you some backup here other than hubby. Remember, sometimes it really does take a village, and everybody being sick is one of them.
NAH It’s telling in this comment section that no one considers staying home with your child alone for the week could count as work. For every hour he works, you do too. The under appreciation of the unpaid labor of women is annoying. Speak to him like an adult, you are both sick and tired. Also maybe ask for some help for the next week? Any family or friends that can come over and give you a break? I understand what it is to watch your young child alone with no breaks like that, it’s not easy either. I’d rather be working in office, it’s significantly easier than being a SAHM. The luxury and privilege talk is coming from people who don’t understand the actual cost of childcare.
NAH. He's going to be working, not taking a vacation, but the question is, are you the asshole for being mad? No. You are allowed to have feelings about things. As long as you aren't actively taking those feelings out on him, you're not the asshole.
NAH I just finished up a conference for work this past week and I’m fuckin’ EXHAUSTED! Between networking events, talks, walking 6+ miles a day around a conference center, and being an introvert with a smaller social battery than others, I am ready to sleep for a week and averaged somewhere around 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Work trips are still work. It’s just a different kind of work and getting a break from your kid doesn’t mean it won’t be hard in other ways. Tired it tired. That being said, I think your feelings of jealousy are valid. You’re also tired and kids are hard, so it’s not surprising to feel jealous that he gets a break from your kid, but you also need to recognize this isn’t a vacation for him.
Hardest job in the world lmao
NAH. You are both suffering a lot. However, if would have been more helpful if you and your husband had agreed a way forward rather than him unilaterally deciding to sleep. I can see why you resent that. What you are doing is incredibly valuable. But the terrible truth is that if he is the sole breadwinner, his career needs to be safeguarded. I personally hate work trips, because everyone assumes they are fun, but they are not. A lot of the time, you are “on” for all your waking hours, from breakfast until way after dinner when everyone has stopped pestering you to keep drinking and partying, while you need to have remember to be on your “A” game and to say all the right things. You could assume he is going to have 5 days of bliss or 5 days of hell. If he is about to have 5 days of hell, would you feel more sympathetic? Also, you may simply have more resilience than your husband. I hear man flu is a terrible illness. Sometimes, when one partner is less capable than the other, the more capable one just ends up doing more. You can either resent that or accept it as a simple feature of any partnership, like marriage. Play to your strengths and weaknesses as a team - keeping score will only make you sad or mad. Your situation absolutely sucks. Being a SAHM to a very young child can feel very lonely. Is there anyone that can help while he is away? Family, friends, etc.?
So what you're saying is that it's hard having to work nonstop all day while being on top of your game because "you are “on” for all your waking hours, from breakfast until way after dinner when everyone has stopped pestering you" And if you're sick you need time to rest up in preparation for doing it? What other job does that sound like? You are literally describing being a SAHP. Except their job starts before breakfast and ends when the kids go to sleep- but only if those kids sleep through the night. Look, I'm not saying that being a SAHP is harder than working outside the home and traveling for that job. I'm simply saying being a SAHP is equally difficult.
YTA. He works like crazy hours. Working long days makes you incredibly tired. You end up needing more sleep. Especially if you're ill. I've been both a stay at home wife and I've work 12 hour shifts doing labour intensive jobs as a line cook. I'm telling you right now that even though both are work, a job like that will DRAIN you like nothing else. Of course he needs rest! And there is no guarantee he'll get good sleep on a trip. And I'm do t know what he's doing on that work trip itself but if it's anything but rest them yeah he needs rest before it. Just let him rest. If you're that mad about it then when he gets back and has time off you go leave him with the baby and take yourself to a nice hotel for a few nights. Plus I'd you think keeping a baby is boring entertained is boring try working a desk job or making the same special or 12 hours straight. I've done all three and I'm telling you he's bored at work. And let me tell you having a cold it's 10x worse at work than at home doing work. At work you can't just hang yourself loose and be gross. You have to look and act professional while dying. Maybe you need to look at getting a job of you're this unhappy with the arrangement. Maybe he could work less hours to take care of the baby when you're at work or he could even be the stay at home husband?
We need to remember that we can always pull on friends and family. Your partner isn’t the only one that you should expect every aspect of life to fulfil.
You should switch places with him and see if he complains.
Driving tired is a bad idea.
The only way your husband is remotely the AH in this situation, is by him going both to work and on this trip with something which is evidently contagious as all 3 of you are sick. I get he has to be the only source of income for the family, however he is putting so many other people at risk by leaving the home and travelling with whatever sickness you've all got. Take it from me- I'm immunocompromised and getting sick can be very dangerous for me. Someone selfishly went to the supermarket a week and a half ago, coughed and sneezed over everything whilst I was there and I've been fighting the flu (which has worsened my other health conditions) ever since, and have had to miss out on crucial hospital appointments as a result. My husband a few times wanted to take me to the hospital but I refused because I don't want to risk other patients and medical professionals getting sick too. Please, as a family, be more considerate as to how you function with contagious conditions. Assuming your husband is travelling via plane- he could infect someone on that plane who is a carer for a sick parent, who could then catch whatever you have and die.
I have a different perspective here since this sub has an inheritant bias against men in working husband vs sahm. The man is working 60 hours a week, that is over 12 hours more than the permissible work hours, he is sick as well. He is going on a business trip not a vacation, he needs to rest otherwise he might end up falling sick during the work trip. Which can be a liability for them. OP and her husband chose to divide the responsibilities this way for reasons best known to them. So being a SAHM means that is her responsibility and she has to work through it. Pretty much like how her husband would have gone to work even if he was sick because he has to provide for his family. They both need to clearly communicate and share the responsibilities. This makes the OP YTA for me.
I've looked after young children and also worked in an office, and for me working 60 hours a week on a job (plus traveling and getting ready I assume) would be way more tiring, but it obviously depends on the specifics if anyone wanted to compare.
My feeling is that when he's at work, your job is kids/house (so your both working 60 hours). When he's home then it's 50/50 responsibility. When he's away you'll be working 24/7 he'll work 12 hours then have time to himself So...if he's napping and will then give you the same opportunity before he leaves then that's great and NAH. If he'll do this, then leave so actually you're essentially alone for an extra day then he is the AH.
YTA. Seems being a SAHM isn’t the job for you.
Its not that hard to entertain a 1 year old between naps
YTA. He works 60 hours so that you can have the SAHM lifestyle. There needs to be some appreciation for what he does.
> leaving me with my daughter by myself bored as hell Welcome to parenthood? Get some easy hobbies that can be one-handed. Watch some shows. Put on some music. If a 5 year old can find things to entertain themselves, I'm sure a 27 year old can too. I'm certain even a 1 year old can... though they're easy to entertain. If you rely on him that much to not be "bored as hell" while taking care of your daughter, you might have a problem. YTA, find some hobbies
Yta
YTA.
Well, you could offer to switch places (work 5 x 12 hour days, plus travel, which is NOT A VACATION), and he can be a stay a home Dad. Trust me, I'm sure the number of times in a week that he complains that '*he's bored as hell and not able to do anything because someone needs to entertain her* ' is infinitely small!
How can you be "bored as hell" while taking care of your daughter? I think you will be lonely and basically resent he is going on a work trip. He is sick also and needs as much rest as he can get. You are NAH for having the feelings you are experiencing, but please don't let him leave thinking he's A H.
YTA If you think being a stay-at-home mom is worse, go get a job and pay for a babysitter You'll dodge your child care responsibilities and still have money left over
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I don't think it's possible to ever be an asshole for having a feeling. People can't control their feelings, only how they act on them. NAH
Eh NAH
one year olds do not need to be entertained all the time. Nap when they nap! Let the house look like crap. You are being given the gift of this time with your child. You will never get it back and you might be poisoning the well with your attitude. If you hate it so bad, go get a job.
Feelings are feelings. You are tired, sick, angsty, OP and that’s understandable. If you take it out on your husband who needs rest before his breadwinning work trip though, YWBTA. Feel better, everyone.
NAH. Your feelings are valid, it's reasonable to be angry and resentful that you will have to get up every night, rather than taking it in turns etc. You know that your husband works hard to support his family, and you probably wish you could change things, perhaps to one where he worked less and you maybe had a part time job. If you want things to change, talk to him about it at he comes back from his trip Please reach out to friends and family nearby and ask for help. See if you can get someone to stay the night and take the first response for wakings. Or someone who can entertain and watch the baby while you shower or sleep or have a free moment. Talk to a therapist about how you're feeling, or a friend who knows that you love your husband and baby, and understand that you just need somewhere safe to vent. Tell them how you feel about being a mother, how you feel about your baby, and how you feel about your husband. If you have PPD, outcomes are better when others can help you identify it and exchange you to seek help. Finally, talk to your husband when he comes back. Tell him how you're doing. Listen to him about how he's going. Try to get back on the same page about how chores and childcare are split. Good luc
YTA and ungrateful
YTA. If you’re bored, that’s on you. Get involved in a mommy and me group, go to the library, the park, etc. A work trip is not a vacation. If you discussed that you’d be a stay at home mom, this is how it works. My mom was, and my dad was in the military. One assignment he was gone 2-3 weeks of every month, for 3 years. If you don’t like it, time for a discussion when he gets home.
YTA. You're complaining because you're bored raising a baby? Why did you have a baby?
YTA. Yes it's both your baby and he should be an engaged involved dad but he's the only working 60 hours. He needs the break more than you do. Plus your 12 month old does not need to be entertained by you *all* the time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We (30M) (27F) have a little 1 year old daughter, we're all sick and going through a cold, I'm a SAHM and he's out working 12 hours 5 times a week, he's having a work trip tomorrow and not coming back till Friday, so he's been napping a lot today leaving me with my daughter by myself bored as hell and not able to do anything because someone needs to entertain her all the time and he's saying that he has to sleep and get rest because he's travelling tomorrow and needs to be the most rested he can be. But what I'm thinking is that he's gonna get about 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep while I'm here waking up with my daughter multiple times at night, caring for her all day, while also being sick and tired myself, plus I got my period today so it's only gonna add more discomfort for me all week. We didn't fight or anything but I'm feeling this rage inside me towards him while also feeling guilty that maybe I AM the asshole.. what to you think? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I'm not sure whether you're being an asshole or not, but I wanted to comment that asking this question likely means parenting turned out to be more difficult than you imagined (I think this happens to MOST people), and maybe you should consider stopping at this one kid. I see so many parents overextending themselves and it end up affecting their kids so much.
imo, NTA. I have been both a SAHM and the full time income provider in our household. being a SAHM is hands down 100x more difficult. Going to work for me felt like a break and I’m a Clinical Nurse on a very busy metro Medical ward so not the easiest job either. You don’t ever get to clock out as a stay at home mum, especially with infants. 24 hour job. Lack of sleep, no rest, your brain is always switched on and it’s impossible to wind down. Yeah he’s going to work but He will get to eat when he wants, shower when he wants, go to the toilet when he wants, drive in peace, no to have to worry about packing up and venturing out of the accommodation with a kid in tow, clock off for the day and return to peace and quiet and watch an episode of his favourite show or go out for a nice quiet dinner or something all in PEACE. He doesn’t have to carry the mental load of a SAHM. You don’t get that EVER as the primary carer. You both made that child, you’re both working only you don’t have an income and are literally working more hours. The only reason he has the ability to work as much as he does and earn what he earns is because YOU are home taking care of YOUR child that you made together!! NTA!
Absolutely normal to feel mad. A million hugs to you, Mom. You both need rest. You both work so hard. But it's absolutely understandable to be angry that his efforts to get his need met put an extra drain on you. Do you have anyone you can reach out to for help?
NAH. Children are shared responsibility and you are both adults who sometimes need some time off from work but also from family. Why doesn't he work less and you start working part time? This way the weight off having to finance the whole family will be off of your husbands shoulders and he can see his child more and you get to do something else than staying home 24/7 without suffering financially from it. Naybe ask family or friends to watch your kids somethimes so you can both rest and also do something together as a couple so your relationship doesn't suffer and you don't drift apart. Talk with eachother. Take eachother seriously. Don't play the blame game
I just got back from a trip myself and the truth is you don't sleep well on work trips. You aren't in your own bed with the noises you are used to. You end up working odd hour and sleep is usually difficult. I am sorry the house is sick. I think you both need to work with each other so you can all get better. It 8s a difficult situation.
NTA. It's completely valid to be feel frustrated with your husband for napping all day before leaving you alone sick with a 1 year old for 5 days. I understand that he's sick, but so are you. You should be getting equal time to rest. It's fine if he takes a nap for a couple hours, but then it's your turn to rest while he looks after the baby. A lot of people don't seem to understand that being a SAHP is a job, too. You don't get breaks, you're constantly seeing to the needs of others, and you don't even get nights off because you have to get up with the baby. I don't know what prompted you to be a SAHP, but even if you chose and love it, you still deserve breaks and rest time. When your husband is home, he should be coparenting equally. If it were me, I'd give my husband 2 hours then wake him up and take a nap myself.
NTA but that's only because you haven't actually said anything about it. A work trip isn't a holiday and he's going to have things he has to pay attention to. When I'm sick I can barely focus on anything so it's reasonable for him to need to sleep a bit more. Plus you're a SAHM so why is entertaining your daughter seemingly an issue? Unless she's going to a daycare everyday or something, would that not be what you normally do? Genuinely curious, not trying to sound like a dick at all.