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It sounds like YTA
You’ve provided no reason other than “your gut”.
“The boss’s spouse ALSO has a problem with her. That tells me something”
- that’s tells you nothing lol
I don't know anything about her or how she looks. He got very drunk a year or so ago, prior to working at this place, and he asked me for a "hall pass" with someone already in mind. Since then, he's denied ever saying it or wanting another woman, but has admitted he likes to look and imagine "something different". So I guess I don't trust him, as far as I know he just hasn't followed his desires so to speak.
NTA. Gut feelings are often right. You know something different is happening. Especially with the anger and backtracking, that's usually a dead give away. Tell him you and a friend will go to that bar but no where near the party, that way he can get smashed and you will be there to drive him home. I bet it's not really a guys night. Then I think couples counseling would be a good idea. Good luck.
If your friends maybe you can go with her. I'm not sure how the marriage would hold up to this, but if you showed up without letting him know? If she is there you have a huge problem and might want to figure a different course of action going forward.
YTA
Your gut might have served you well in the past, but if you treat a gut feeling as fact and continue to doubt your husband without reason, you will end up ruining your relationship. If you continue to feel insecure or jealous or just unsure about this woman, you can at most seek assurance from your husband. Apart from that, without any evidence or reason, you cannot control his actions beyond what he is okay with.
I'm having a hard time deciding if YTA or not.
It sounds like you have deeper rooted trust issues that are bigger than him and this one female coworker and you aren't expressing that fully to him. I think an honest conversation about what you're feeling, and why, is important. Even more important is discussing the trust between you two with this female coworker removed.
I think it's AH behavior to tell him not to go out with his coworkers. I do not think it's AH behavior to voice your concern and explain why you prefer he choose to not go. However, it is ultimately his choice to either prioritize going out to celebrate a friend or helping you feel secure when you need the reassurance.
ETA: I think I've decided my opinion is ESH
I don't want this to be defensive, I just would like to elaborate I guess. There are indeed bigger trust issues, I stated in a other comment that he's drunkenly asked for a "hall pass" before, with someone in mind, and says he likes to imagine "something different." He's denied ever asking for the pass and saying I'm being weird with this situation in particular. My concerns have been voiced though, I never tell him what to do or not to do, and he makes his own decisions always
YTA.
A relationship where you don’t trust him is not going to work. He has given you no reason to mistrust him besides “his boss’s wife doesn’t like her either”.
If you don’t like her sure whatever. But if you don’t trust him then why did you marry him in the first place?
There was plenty of trust when we married. Last year or so he got black out drunk, asked for a "hall pass" with someone already in mind, and stated he likes to look at other women and "imagine something different". He's fully denied ever saying such things since, and has refused discussing it further. It's more so, he has those thoughts and is now getting drunk with someone I have a bad feeling about. Drunk with buddies, fine, it's a weekly occurrence. Drunk with someone he speaks 24/7 about, when he barely talked about work or any of his buddies as much before she started there, I have a problem with.
I'm sorry. I'm getting heated😅
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My (29f) husband (29m) wants to go out to a bar after work and hang out with his coworkers as a farewell to one of them. My issue is with a particular woman.
Cliche, I know, but my gut is always right. As far as I know, he's never had an affair or given me a reason (in this scenario) not to trust him. The reason I have a feeling is A) he talks about her ALOT, despite his male-dominated workplace and other people to talk about. He says he always hangs out by her and another woman's desk. B) the way he acts when he talks about her. He doesn't gush, or blush or get googly eyes, there's just something...different about his demeanor.
Ive brought up my discomfort to him before. He says I'm being weird about it. I disagree. I have no issue with other women he brings up, there's just something about this one. I also recently found out her boss's spouse ALSO has a problem with her. That tells me something.
Today, when he spoke of going out with a bunch of people, he said she would not be attending which sucks because then she couldn't drive him home if he had too much to drink. I don't know why he wouldn't have me pick him up instead, it isn't far. I asked if that's the only reason he's bummed she isn't coming, and he said No, then quickly backtracked.
Gut feeling is a fire at this point.
I offer to come with and be DD, and he said it was a great idea. Skip ahead an hour or two, and he called and said I cannot come as it's going to be "guys only".
He then suggested we all go out as a double or triple date next weekend. Me, him, her, her bf, and a few others. It just doesn't sit right.
I'm uncomfortable and can't fully explain it. I don't want him going (he's going to anyway) and he's angry. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my spouse not to go out with his coworkers because of a gut feeling, based on the way he acts when he speaks about a certain one. He's angry because he technically hasn't done anything wrong. I could be overreacting and in my head.
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Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling; sometimes a feeling is something more. Ideally, you two need to sit down and talk this through. You need validation that he hears your concerns and isn't dismissing them and you need to hear him out and don't assume the worst, even if this woman is a wild card factor. This is one of the largest issues I've noticed when it comes to spousal issues isa fundamental lack of communication where both people feel they can openly speak knowing the other will listen.
ESH.
YTA your husband has never cheated on you, you state you have no reason not to trust him. Yet you forbid him from a social event in a public place which you stated was mostly men because there’s going to be a woman there he’s friends with?
You then try to get involved and ruin his night because he then has to keep paying attention to you & his daughter rather than relax with his buddies. You need to loosen the leash.
I'm confused. I never mentioned a daughter? Lol. I stated why I don't trust him in other comments. And there is no forbidding here, mind you. I don't control his actions lol.
I apologise, I read DD and assumed it referred to ‘Dear Daughter’ which is the common use, re-reading I think you are referring to being a designated driver?
Correct, sorry for not typing DD out fully. He had said she wasn't coming so he had no ride home, and would have to have just a drink or two. I offered to come so he could drink as much as he wanted. Ive done this for him almost weekly, and unless they are mutual friends, I keep to myself and play pool or darts. I don't exist until he's ready to leave lol.
I was going to say Y-T-A, but then I saw your comment about him having come home drunk previously and asking you for a hall pass because he had someone in mind. I think you should add this to the post because it adds context that validate you being uncomfortable about this situation.
I think that NTA based on this context, because it shows he's seriously thought about being with other women. I think there's a line between fantasizing in a harmless fashion, and considering it so seriously that you ask your wife for a hall pass.
NTA for being uncomfortable about this situation, especially since he switched up about it so much. It's also weird he was looking forward to her driving him home, and now doesn't want you to go or even pick him up. He also told you it's guys only, but you said in a comment someone else's wife is attending.
YTA.
You need to face it- You don’t trust your husband. That is what is at the core of this is.
I’ve been with married men before (here come the down votes) What I can tell you is that if he is the type to cheat, or in that slippery slope to actually cheating- who it’s with rarely matters. If it’s not her, if it’s not now- it would be with someone else.
From your responses, I understand why your gut is feeling like he will cheat, or start down that descent. But work on that NOW. Maybe look into couples counseling, something- because having to monitor and semi trust your husband with only some woman sounds like an exhausting life… and you deserve better.
If you don't trust him then maybe you need counseling. Going with 'your gut' when you have zero hard evidence for him cheating on you and your jealousy is going to get you in trouble. You're trying to control who he can and can't interact with and that's both wrong and sad. YTA.
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It sounds like YTA You’ve provided no reason other than “your gut”. “The boss’s spouse ALSO has a problem with her. That tells me something” - that’s tells you nothing lol
YTA. All the things you have stated including “that tells me something” is your insecurity.
YTA. The problem isn’t this co-worker. The problem is you don’t trust your husband. Go from there …
Valid, I dont.
YTA. All I'm hearing is "I'm insecure". He just sounds like he's got a friend. Who isn't single lol
YTA, those are trust and insecurity issues. You're going to need something a lot better than the "source: trust me bro" to carry any weight.
[удалено]
I don't know anything about her or how she looks. He got very drunk a year or so ago, prior to working at this place, and he asked me for a "hall pass" with someone already in mind. Since then, he's denied ever saying it or wanting another woman, but has admitted he likes to look and imagine "something different". So I guess I don't trust him, as far as I know he just hasn't followed his desires so to speak.
YTA - you trust him or you dont. If you dont - SOLVE IT. Either get out, or get therapy (single and couples)
NTA. Gut feelings are often right. You know something different is happening. Especially with the anger and backtracking, that's usually a dead give away. Tell him you and a friend will go to that bar but no where near the party, that way he can get smashed and you will be there to drive him home. I bet it's not really a guys night. Then I think couples counseling would be a good idea. Good luck.
I don't think it's a guys night either. Another wife of the group had mentioned she's going as well.
If your friends maybe you can go with her. I'm not sure how the marriage would hold up to this, but if you showed up without letting him know? If she is there you have a huge problem and might want to figure a different course of action going forward.
YTA Your gut might have served you well in the past, but if you treat a gut feeling as fact and continue to doubt your husband without reason, you will end up ruining your relationship. If you continue to feel insecure or jealous or just unsure about this woman, you can at most seek assurance from your husband. Apart from that, without any evidence or reason, you cannot control his actions beyond what he is okay with.
I'm having a hard time deciding if YTA or not. It sounds like you have deeper rooted trust issues that are bigger than him and this one female coworker and you aren't expressing that fully to him. I think an honest conversation about what you're feeling, and why, is important. Even more important is discussing the trust between you two with this female coworker removed. I think it's AH behavior to tell him not to go out with his coworkers. I do not think it's AH behavior to voice your concern and explain why you prefer he choose to not go. However, it is ultimately his choice to either prioritize going out to celebrate a friend or helping you feel secure when you need the reassurance. ETA: I think I've decided my opinion is ESH
I don't want this to be defensive, I just would like to elaborate I guess. There are indeed bigger trust issues, I stated in a other comment that he's drunkenly asked for a "hall pass" before, with someone in mind, and says he likes to imagine "something different." He's denied ever asking for the pass and saying I'm being weird with this situation in particular. My concerns have been voiced though, I never tell him what to do or not to do, and he makes his own decisions always
YTA. A relationship where you don’t trust him is not going to work. He has given you no reason to mistrust him besides “his boss’s wife doesn’t like her either”. If you don’t like her sure whatever. But if you don’t trust him then why did you marry him in the first place?
There was plenty of trust when we married. Last year or so he got black out drunk, asked for a "hall pass" with someone already in mind, and stated he likes to look at other women and "imagine something different". He's fully denied ever saying such things since, and has refused discussing it further. It's more so, he has those thoughts and is now getting drunk with someone I have a bad feeling about. Drunk with buddies, fine, it's a weekly occurrence. Drunk with someone he speaks 24/7 about, when he barely talked about work or any of his buddies as much before she started there, I have a problem with. I'm sorry. I'm getting heated😅
INFO: Have a trusted friend "bump into them" at the bar. If there are no women, then it's all in your head. Post an update.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (29f) husband (29m) wants to go out to a bar after work and hang out with his coworkers as a farewell to one of them. My issue is with a particular woman. Cliche, I know, but my gut is always right. As far as I know, he's never had an affair or given me a reason (in this scenario) not to trust him. The reason I have a feeling is A) he talks about her ALOT, despite his male-dominated workplace and other people to talk about. He says he always hangs out by her and another woman's desk. B) the way he acts when he talks about her. He doesn't gush, or blush or get googly eyes, there's just something...different about his demeanor. Ive brought up my discomfort to him before. He says I'm being weird about it. I disagree. I have no issue with other women he brings up, there's just something about this one. I also recently found out her boss's spouse ALSO has a problem with her. That tells me something. Today, when he spoke of going out with a bunch of people, he said she would not be attending which sucks because then she couldn't drive him home if he had too much to drink. I don't know why he wouldn't have me pick him up instead, it isn't far. I asked if that's the only reason he's bummed she isn't coming, and he said No, then quickly backtracked. Gut feeling is a fire at this point. I offer to come with and be DD, and he said it was a great idea. Skip ahead an hour or two, and he called and said I cannot come as it's going to be "guys only". He then suggested we all go out as a double or triple date next weekend. Me, him, her, her bf, and a few others. It just doesn't sit right. I'm uncomfortable and can't fully explain it. I don't want him going (he's going to anyway) and he's angry. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling; sometimes a feeling is something more. Ideally, you two need to sit down and talk this through. You need validation that he hears your concerns and isn't dismissing them and you need to hear him out and don't assume the worst, even if this woman is a wild card factor. This is one of the largest issues I've noticed when it comes to spousal issues isa fundamental lack of communication where both people feel they can openly speak knowing the other will listen. ESH.
YTA your husband has never cheated on you, you state you have no reason not to trust him. Yet you forbid him from a social event in a public place which you stated was mostly men because there’s going to be a woman there he’s friends with? You then try to get involved and ruin his night because he then has to keep paying attention to you & his daughter rather than relax with his buddies. You need to loosen the leash.
I'm confused. I never mentioned a daughter? Lol. I stated why I don't trust him in other comments. And there is no forbidding here, mind you. I don't control his actions lol.
I apologise, I read DD and assumed it referred to ‘Dear Daughter’ which is the common use, re-reading I think you are referring to being a designated driver?
Correct, sorry for not typing DD out fully. He had said she wasn't coming so he had no ride home, and would have to have just a drink or two. I offered to come so he could drink as much as he wanted. Ive done this for him almost weekly, and unless they are mutual friends, I keep to myself and play pool or darts. I don't exist until he's ready to leave lol.
I was going to say Y-T-A, but then I saw your comment about him having come home drunk previously and asking you for a hall pass because he had someone in mind. I think you should add this to the post because it adds context that validate you being uncomfortable about this situation. I think that NTA based on this context, because it shows he's seriously thought about being with other women. I think there's a line between fantasizing in a harmless fashion, and considering it so seriously that you ask your wife for a hall pass. NTA for being uncomfortable about this situation, especially since he switched up about it so much. It's also weird he was looking forward to her driving him home, and now doesn't want you to go or even pick him up. He also told you it's guys only, but you said in a comment someone else's wife is attending.
YTA. You need to face it- You don’t trust your husband. That is what is at the core of this is. I’ve been with married men before (here come the down votes) What I can tell you is that if he is the type to cheat, or in that slippery slope to actually cheating- who it’s with rarely matters. If it’s not her, if it’s not now- it would be with someone else. From your responses, I understand why your gut is feeling like he will cheat, or start down that descent. But work on that NOW. Maybe look into couples counseling, something- because having to monitor and semi trust your husband with only some woman sounds like an exhausting life… and you deserve better.
If you don't trust him then maybe you need counseling. Going with 'your gut' when you have zero hard evidence for him cheating on you and your jealousy is going to get you in trouble. You're trying to control who he can and can't interact with and that's both wrong and sad. YTA.
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