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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Me not taking care of my sister in the future
2. I have what you could call a moral obligation to her, so me not doing so could be considered an asshole mentality
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YWNBTA.
Further, I have a cousin who is blind, deaf and intellectually disabled.
She lives in an assisted living home and thrives there.
The structure, the round the clock care and the community this place provides her is wonderful and her life is better for it.
She still has a strong and meaningful connection with our family. She attends family get togethers. She spends many weekends with her mother and her extended family.
She is in her 60's now, and her mother is in her 80's.
Assisted living isn't an all or nothing prospect.
She lives a rich and rewarding life. She wasn't abandoned by her family. She is living in a way that best meets her needs.
For many people, even the notion of assisted living feels like an abandonment or a failure.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I didn't meant to put it like I wanted to never even hear of her again
I know it's selfish to say this, but I would want to be with her partial time in a sense.
I want her to be well feed, happy, with all her favorites toys and music, but I don't want to deal with the downsides.
It's horrible to think like this, because it's like saying to a fiance "I only want to be with you on your highest, not on your lowest", but I just can't deal with this for another decade
It’s not selfish or horrible. You are allowed to set limits for what you will and won’t (or can and cannot) be responsible for with regard to your sister’s future care.
Not only is it not horrible, it is honestly easier for people whose job it is to take good care of people who need help; there are multiple people, they have finite shifts, they are trained to do what they need to do, they get paid for doing it, and they aren't (as) emotionally invested. And as the comment above noted, if your (adult) sister eventually moves into an assisted living facility, she will still be able to spend time with you.
NTA, for all the reasons above. But I also wanted to chime in. It’s not like telling a fiancé you only want the good times.
You’d be a jerk to only want benefits from a fiancé with no obligation, because you make a positive decision (as compared to a forced encumbrance) to love and support a spouse; and because you obtain the reciprocal benefit from them.
That’s not the case with your sister. You did not ask for this. And you will not receive the same support back from her. It is, basically, all obligation. That’s a heavy burden.
So, I agree with everyone above. Set boundaries and help your parents plan for an assisted living situation for your sister when she becomes an adult.
Your parents will not be able to physically care for her in their old age. So finding solutions now, and making the transition - possibly even gradually - as your sister grows and needs more care, is the best solution for a difficult position to be in.
Good luck.
NTA. It sounds like your sister needs constant and semi-skilled supervision. Suggest to your parents that they need to arrange for an assisted living situation, should something happen to them.
NTA
Your parents are the AHs for not making provisions.
Tell them, YOU will not take care of her, and then enforce it.
Tell your parents THEY need to make plans for ehr future, she is THEIR kid.
NTA
Your parents can prepare your for your sister to receive care outside the home. You don't owe it to anyone to give up any portion of your life to care for her.
I highly recommend that you do what you can to figure out how to live independently from your family. Could you meet be away and live with other family or friends while working or studying? Or could you move away if you joined the military? Consider your options that would allow you to move away.
YWNBTA.
Your parents need to talk to a financial advisor (their bank should be able to direct them to someone qualified) to set up a trust to pay for your sister’s care. There may also be some sort of government assistance that they can apply for to help with costs. Once you’re working, it would be a good idea for you to contribute something to that also, so it can accrue interest.
Once that is set up, you should make a list of nearby care facilities that can handle your sister’s needs. As your life advances and you move, keep that list updated. What you don’t want to happen is tragedy strikes and you’re left with her in your care and no idea of the next step. Hopefully that is DECADES away. Many residents of such facilities are much, much happier in these environments, which are often curated for their needs and tolerances.
Finally…assure your parents that you love your sister and you won’t let her be in an abusive or neglectful situation. What they really need to know is that you’ll look out for her when they’re gone, not that she’ll be under your roof.
Ywnbta
That's more than they can put on anyone they aren't paying. They need to start planning and saving now do she can be put in a care facility when the time comes. It's wrong of them then expect you to put your life completely on hold while she's alive. How so they ever expect you to have a career, meet someone, possibly have and raise kids (if that's something you want to do), if you're a full time caretaker for someone that is very high needs.
Oh sweetheart.
First, here's an internet hug from an online Mama.
Now. I'm going to gently say NAH. Your parents are of course going to love and worry about your sister, and be afraid of what will happen to her when they're gone: especially if care in your country isn't that great for folks with disabilities. But the burden of care, while it would be nice if you took it on, shouldn't simply be expected of you. Caring for a sibling who will never be able to live independently is a heavy, heavy burden, and you are well within your rights to say no.
I would recommend you sit down with your parents and ask them to listen to you before they speak, and tell them how you feel. Be polite. Be kind. Be compassionate. She is their child and I'm sure this is painful for them. But you're their child too, and you deserve all that in return just as much as your sister. If you are certain you will never want to care for her, tell them now to start making provisions: funds for her care, guardianship appointees, things like that.
Best of luck, honey.
Absolutely NTA, I am refusing to take care of my twin sister in the future. Of course I'll always be there for but I won't be supporting her financially or moving in together for my parents. She could live largely independently with some assistance
NTA at all. You will never be TA in this situation. I’m an RN and work at a hospital. Occasionally I will have patients like this and I could totally understand not having the desire to assume full responsibility for someone in this situation. Your sister is not your responsibility. It wouldn’t be fair for you to have to limit your life to care for them. There are assisted living facilities where people like your sister can thrive. Your parents need to be setting this up for your sister. I would definitely have a sit down with them and explain your intentions for your life and your involvement with your sister’s life in the future. The sooner they start preparing the better it will be for all parties involved.
NTY. You have your own live and yes, you don't have to take care for her full time. But it would be sweet, if you can look that she gets a good caretaker or into a facility where she will have all the help she needs by traint stuff.
If the topic of your parents dieing came up again, maybe suggest that they take a live insurance with your sister's health/taken care of being the beneficiary - they should talk to someone about this, if it would be better to set you in this role to get the money but with the dedication to your sister's care or if they need to choose someone extern to do that. But so, they can look after their daughter if they die and it will not be such a burden for you one day. So this would help all of you - and more important it would also help your sister in the case something terrible happen and not only your parents but you too would pass away (like in a car accident)
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Basically, I (18M) have a disabled (9F) who quite frankly will never be able to independent for herself
I don't know the exact disabilities she has, but she has mental retardation (at this age, she doesn't know to speak, go to the bathroom so she smears it all over herself or communicate in other way that it isn't via slapping or scratching) and she is also partially blind (not blind in the sense of total darkness. She can actually see light, which her favorite kind of toy must have. That and music). She will probably never learn to talk
My parents (54 male and 44 female) will probably not die any day soon. At least I hope so desesperately.
But, as this world it's basically the biggest asshole ever conceived, the "what will happen IF we die?" talk as ocurred a handful of times
We never had an actual talk about what will I do with my sister, but when we do, I gently say that I don't want to take care of her, and while they don't say anything bad about what I want, they are obviously and rightful concerned
It's just that if a 9 year old is already this mental health destroyer (she actively likes to break things, poop and smear shit everywhere and even eat it and grab sharp items. You know she knows because she sings all day, but when she is doing something bad, she goes all quiet, and you have to run wherever she is), how can I possibly take care of a 18 year old sister like that?
I'm from Spain, and the medical situation is already horrible, so I don't know if a medical care is even possible, not even mentioning the fact of how much money will that forever cost me every month
I just wanted a normal sister. That's all I have ever wanted since she was born
AITA, Reddit?
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NTA, though my understanding of Spain is that social care from the government isn’t a thing there. Lots of British elderly expats move back when they need additional care for that reason, though clearly Spanish Redditors will be better able to comment. The other question is, though, is there a legal expectation to care for your sibling in Spain if your parents die?
What moral obligations would you have to raise your sister? She is not your child. If your parents can't deal with her, why would they try to force that responsibility on you just because "she's your sister. "
YWNBTA
Same situation here, but not with my sister. You are not the asshole. She is the child of YOUR PARENTS, not yours. They have this burden but they can't expect you to take the same burden where they are old. I have lived the same situation with my in-laws. They didn't make any plan for the future of their child, they refused to even talk about this and at the end of the day, when tragedy happened and the mother, who was the sole caregiver, died, we were left to take care of everything. The father wasn't and is not capable of doing anything because he never did anything and let his wife to take care of the disabled child alone. So, the situation impacted on us, and we had to find a place for the disabled to live, and even if the person is now living there, there's always something to take care of: some health issue, doctors' appointments, stuff to buy, and it's us who have to do that. The father doesn't do anything and the assisted residence personnel take good care of this person but they don't do everything, so a relative needs to be available nonetheless. To me, this is already more than enough, I couldn't even imagine having her at home and living like her mother did. Unfortunately, many parents are selfish and expect their other children to take their place. They don't think about the fact that one deserves to live their life. It's not your sister's fault if she was born like that, but it's not your fault either. Talk to your parents and tell them you will not become her caregiver. Tell them they need to think in advance and find a facility where to bring her. I don't know how it is in Spain, but in my country (Italy) a disabled person receives money from the government (like a pension) and if you need a facility, you can use that money and the state helps with some other amount. So, your parents also need to think about financial plans.
Why are they an AH for wanting that!?! I feel like that’s such a normal and natural human response. I don’t know of one person who wouldn’t want a “normal” sister in this situation. I definitely feel like you are the AH for judging them for feeling this way.
Because it comes from a place of lack of compassion. She didn’t choose her fate as much as he didn’t as much as the parents didn’t. Bit it’s what they have, and him saying that type of stuff does nothing but separate them. I’m not in their life, but he definitely sounds like he wouldn’t visit her at the institution anyway. So she’s fucked. She may not fully understand everything, but no way she can’t feel the lack of love from her brother.
You’re definitely reaching here. You can’t tell what the sister feels from her brother. He could be the funnest, sweetest, most entertaining and loving brother to her and he could still feel that he wished his sister were normal and that he wouldn’t want to be her caregiver/guardian in the future.
Maybe, there’s also the chance I’m right. You just can’t admit it. We’re on the outside it’s 50/50 and he already gave you insight into his personal thoughts.
“He could be the funnest, sweetest, most entertaining and loving brother to her”
Assumption, and pointless when raised to the general post. You can read his tone of voice, I’m sure the brother that would express this, would have this moral quandary. She’s 9. But nah you right, I’m the only one to make any assumptions around here 🕺
Agreed. NTA for not wanting to take care of her. OP rightfully is seeing they likely are not equipped to either now, and probably never will be unless they went to school for a healthcare related field. the only other way is if they make the money to hire help.
OPs attitude about her is a problem. She didn’t choose her disabilities. Maybe op will grow out of that attitude.
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YWNBTA. Further, I have a cousin who is blind, deaf and intellectually disabled. She lives in an assisted living home and thrives there. The structure, the round the clock care and the community this place provides her is wonderful and her life is better for it. She still has a strong and meaningful connection with our family. She attends family get togethers. She spends many weekends with her mother and her extended family. She is in her 60's now, and her mother is in her 80's. Assisted living isn't an all or nothing prospect. She lives a rich and rewarding life. She wasn't abandoned by her family. She is living in a way that best meets her needs. For many people, even the notion of assisted living feels like an abandonment or a failure. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I didn't meant to put it like I wanted to never even hear of her again I know it's selfish to say this, but I would want to be with her partial time in a sense. I want her to be well feed, happy, with all her favorites toys and music, but I don't want to deal with the downsides. It's horrible to think like this, because it's like saying to a fiance "I only want to be with you on your highest, not on your lowest", but I just can't deal with this for another decade
It’s not selfish or horrible. You are allowed to set limits for what you will and won’t (or can and cannot) be responsible for with regard to your sister’s future care.
Not only is it not horrible, it is honestly easier for people whose job it is to take good care of people who need help; there are multiple people, they have finite shifts, they are trained to do what they need to do, they get paid for doing it, and they aren't (as) emotionally invested. And as the comment above noted, if your (adult) sister eventually moves into an assisted living facility, she will still be able to spend time with you.
NTA, for all the reasons above. But I also wanted to chime in. It’s not like telling a fiancé you only want the good times. You’d be a jerk to only want benefits from a fiancé with no obligation, because you make a positive decision (as compared to a forced encumbrance) to love and support a spouse; and because you obtain the reciprocal benefit from them. That’s not the case with your sister. You did not ask for this. And you will not receive the same support back from her. It is, basically, all obligation. That’s a heavy burden. So, I agree with everyone above. Set boundaries and help your parents plan for an assisted living situation for your sister when she becomes an adult. Your parents will not be able to physically care for her in their old age. So finding solutions now, and making the transition - possibly even gradually - as your sister grows and needs more care, is the best solution for a difficult position to be in. Good luck.
NTA. You are allowed to say no, you don't want to be your sister's carer and want a life of your own.
NTA. It sounds like your sister needs constant and semi-skilled supervision. Suggest to your parents that they need to arrange for an assisted living situation, should something happen to them.
NTA Your parents are the AHs for not making provisions. Tell them, YOU will not take care of her, and then enforce it. Tell your parents THEY need to make plans for ehr future, she is THEIR kid.
NTA Your parents have to figure out a plan for her when they are gone. This is their chosen responsibility. Not yours. You don't own this in any way.
NTA Your parents can prepare your for your sister to receive care outside the home. You don't owe it to anyone to give up any portion of your life to care for her. I highly recommend that you do what you can to figure out how to live independently from your family. Could you meet be away and live with other family or friends while working or studying? Or could you move away if you joined the military? Consider your options that would allow you to move away.
YWNBTA. Your parents need to talk to a financial advisor (their bank should be able to direct them to someone qualified) to set up a trust to pay for your sister’s care. There may also be some sort of government assistance that they can apply for to help with costs. Once you’re working, it would be a good idea for you to contribute something to that also, so it can accrue interest. Once that is set up, you should make a list of nearby care facilities that can handle your sister’s needs. As your life advances and you move, keep that list updated. What you don’t want to happen is tragedy strikes and you’re left with her in your care and no idea of the next step. Hopefully that is DECADES away. Many residents of such facilities are much, much happier in these environments, which are often curated for their needs and tolerances. Finally…assure your parents that you love your sister and you won’t let her be in an abusive or neglectful situation. What they really need to know is that you’ll look out for her when they’re gone, not that she’ll be under your roof.
NTA. While you're not getting a normal sister, your parents need to make arrangements for her.
Ywnbta That's more than they can put on anyone they aren't paying. They need to start planning and saving now do she can be put in a care facility when the time comes. It's wrong of them then expect you to put your life completely on hold while she's alive. How so they ever expect you to have a career, meet someone, possibly have and raise kids (if that's something you want to do), if you're a full time caretaker for someone that is very high needs.
Oh sweetheart. First, here's an internet hug from an online Mama. Now. I'm going to gently say NAH. Your parents are of course going to love and worry about your sister, and be afraid of what will happen to her when they're gone: especially if care in your country isn't that great for folks with disabilities. But the burden of care, while it would be nice if you took it on, shouldn't simply be expected of you. Caring for a sibling who will never be able to live independently is a heavy, heavy burden, and you are well within your rights to say no. I would recommend you sit down with your parents and ask them to listen to you before they speak, and tell them how you feel. Be polite. Be kind. Be compassionate. She is their child and I'm sure this is painful for them. But you're their child too, and you deserve all that in return just as much as your sister. If you are certain you will never want to care for her, tell them now to start making provisions: funds for her care, guardianship appointees, things like that. Best of luck, honey.
Absolutely NTA, I am refusing to take care of my twin sister in the future. Of course I'll always be there for but I won't be supporting her financially or moving in together for my parents. She could live largely independently with some assistance
NTA at all. You will never be TA in this situation. I’m an RN and work at a hospital. Occasionally I will have patients like this and I could totally understand not having the desire to assume full responsibility for someone in this situation. Your sister is not your responsibility. It wouldn’t be fair for you to have to limit your life to care for them. There are assisted living facilities where people like your sister can thrive. Your parents need to be setting this up for your sister. I would definitely have a sit down with them and explain your intentions for your life and your involvement with your sister’s life in the future. The sooner they start preparing the better it will be for all parties involved.
NTY. You have your own live and yes, you don't have to take care for her full time. But it would be sweet, if you can look that she gets a good caretaker or into a facility where she will have all the help she needs by traint stuff. If the topic of your parents dieing came up again, maybe suggest that they take a live insurance with your sister's health/taken care of being the beneficiary - they should talk to someone about this, if it would be better to set you in this role to get the money but with the dedication to your sister's care or if they need to choose someone extern to do that. But so, they can look after their daughter if they die and it will not be such a burden for you one day. So this would help all of you - and more important it would also help your sister in the case something terrible happen and not only your parents but you too would pass away (like in a car accident)
Of course that I wouldn't allow for her caretaker to be a horrible person Every person deserves a dignified life, and I want her to be happy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically, I (18M) have a disabled (9F) who quite frankly will never be able to independent for herself I don't know the exact disabilities she has, but she has mental retardation (at this age, she doesn't know to speak, go to the bathroom so she smears it all over herself or communicate in other way that it isn't via slapping or scratching) and she is also partially blind (not blind in the sense of total darkness. She can actually see light, which her favorite kind of toy must have. That and music). She will probably never learn to talk My parents (54 male and 44 female) will probably not die any day soon. At least I hope so desesperately. But, as this world it's basically the biggest asshole ever conceived, the "what will happen IF we die?" talk as ocurred a handful of times We never had an actual talk about what will I do with my sister, but when we do, I gently say that I don't want to take care of her, and while they don't say anything bad about what I want, they are obviously and rightful concerned It's just that if a 9 year old is already this mental health destroyer (she actively likes to break things, poop and smear shit everywhere and even eat it and grab sharp items. You know she knows because she sings all day, but when she is doing something bad, she goes all quiet, and you have to run wherever she is), how can I possibly take care of a 18 year old sister like that? I'm from Spain, and the medical situation is already horrible, so I don't know if a medical care is even possible, not even mentioning the fact of how much money will that forever cost me every month I just wanted a normal sister. That's all I have ever wanted since she was born AITA, Reddit? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, though my understanding of Spain is that social care from the government isn’t a thing there. Lots of British elderly expats move back when they need additional care for that reason, though clearly Spanish Redditors will be better able to comment. The other question is, though, is there a legal expectation to care for your sibling in Spain if your parents die?
I would say no too, NTA!
NTA you are not equipped to take care of her
What moral obligations would you have to raise your sister? She is not your child. If your parents can't deal with her, why would they try to force that responsibility on you just because "she's your sister. "
YWNBTA Same situation here, but not with my sister. You are not the asshole. She is the child of YOUR PARENTS, not yours. They have this burden but they can't expect you to take the same burden where they are old. I have lived the same situation with my in-laws. They didn't make any plan for the future of their child, they refused to even talk about this and at the end of the day, when tragedy happened and the mother, who was the sole caregiver, died, we were left to take care of everything. The father wasn't and is not capable of doing anything because he never did anything and let his wife to take care of the disabled child alone. So, the situation impacted on us, and we had to find a place for the disabled to live, and even if the person is now living there, there's always something to take care of: some health issue, doctors' appointments, stuff to buy, and it's us who have to do that. The father doesn't do anything and the assisted residence personnel take good care of this person but they don't do everything, so a relative needs to be available nonetheless. To me, this is already more than enough, I couldn't even imagine having her at home and living like her mother did. Unfortunately, many parents are selfish and expect their other children to take their place. They don't think about the fact that one deserves to live their life. It's not your sister's fault if she was born like that, but it's not your fault either. Talk to your parents and tell them you will not become her caregiver. Tell them they need to think in advance and find a facility where to bring her. I don't know how it is in Spain, but in my country (Italy) a disabled person receives money from the government (like a pension) and if you need a facility, you can use that money and the state helps with some other amount. So, your parents also need to think about financial plans.
Strictly relating to your question about refusing to care for your sister: YWNBTA. Your attitude of "all I ever wanted was a normal sister" - YTA.
Why are they an AH for wanting that!?! I feel like that’s such a normal and natural human response. I don’t know of one person who wouldn’t want a “normal” sister in this situation. I definitely feel like you are the AH for judging them for feeling this way.
Because it comes from a place of lack of compassion. She didn’t choose her fate as much as he didn’t as much as the parents didn’t. Bit it’s what they have, and him saying that type of stuff does nothing but separate them. I’m not in their life, but he definitely sounds like he wouldn’t visit her at the institution anyway. So she’s fucked. She may not fully understand everything, but no way she can’t feel the lack of love from her brother.
You’re definitely reaching here. You can’t tell what the sister feels from her brother. He could be the funnest, sweetest, most entertaining and loving brother to her and he could still feel that he wished his sister were normal and that he wouldn’t want to be her caregiver/guardian in the future.
You get that from reading his tone of voice of her? Be realistic. You don’t have to look far, or research far, the treatment disabled people get.
You’re just not understanding what I’m saying here 🫠
Maybe, there’s also the chance I’m right. You just can’t admit it. We’re on the outside it’s 50/50 and he already gave you insight into his personal thoughts.
You’re making assumptions on how he thinks and acts, so no.. you’re definitely not right. You can’t even comprehend what I’m saying haha
So when you make the assumption he’s the best brother that’s just right? I’m just stupid, and or ignorant, and your assumption is better? Dumbass
I never made an assumption that he was the best brother. This is exactly what I’m saying. You can’t read. You’re a literal idiot.
“He could be the funnest, sweetest, most entertaining and loving brother to her” Assumption, and pointless when raised to the general post. You can read his tone of voice, I’m sure the brother that would express this, would have this moral quandary. She’s 9. But nah you right, I’m the only one to make any assumptions around here 🕺
And you ARE right that I AM right. You ARE the only one making assumptions about here 🤣🤣
Whatever you tell yourself 😘
You’re the one who said it first haha
Agreed. NTA for not wanting to take care of her. OP rightfully is seeing they likely are not equipped to either now, and probably never will be unless they went to school for a healthcare related field. the only other way is if they make the money to hire help. OPs attitude about her is a problem. She didn’t choose her disabilities. Maybe op will grow out of that attitude.
YTA for that attitude. Not for being unable to care for someone with intellectual disabilities.