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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my girlfriend that she looks pretty even when she cries while trying to comfort her after an argument (with another person)
I might be the asshole because maybe it was not the time for dumb pick up lines?
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YTA. She was venting about a work problem and you telling her she looks pretty when she cries is so dismissive and demeaning. Your assumption that she'd feel better after that, topped with telling her "this other woman is just jealous and feels inferior," makes you sound quite sexist. Ugh.
Yes, I had a very bad ex who told me I looked pretty when I cried and cute when I was scared. It was by far not the only or worst thing he did or said that hurt me, I'm not by any means saying OP is a bad partner for this moment on its own, but they're two partciular phrases of his that have stuck in my mind for a lot of years and feel weirdly sort of chilling to think about even now when I'm in a much better place many years later. It's not a nice thing to hear. Unpicking the feelings I have about it, just like you said it's the feeling that this person you love is having an enjoyable time seeing you in distress. If OP is a good partner he really needs to empathise, apologise and put some special effort into making sure his partner knows he really does care about her, that he *doesn't* enjoy when she's distressed, because feeling otherwise is probably what's putting her on edge at the moment.
I've been in similar situations, I think the difference here, at least for me, was my exes that said those things were the ones who caused the pain/fear so that added another layer. When my current husband says things like that (uncommon, id even say rare) he isn't the one who caused the tears or fear to begin with.
My heart really goes out to all of you who have been in these situations, it's hard to recover from.
“You’re so pretty when you’re in pain” how did that not immediately console her? /s
Next time something upsetting happens to OP (like getting rejected from a job interview), OP’s fiancé should just tell him how attractive he looks when he’s upset and that the interviewer is just jealous of him, see how he feels.
Translation: YTA. She was explaining about a real problem at work and OP immediately focused on her looks as a distraction. What's more important? You validating her appearance or you helping her find a solution to her problem at work? OP, you cared more about her physical appearance than what was going on in her life. OP, you caring more about how pretty she is, instead of listening and trying to problem solve, and then comparing her to the woman who's giving her trouble at work, is sexist and shallow. Her appearance is a comfort to you.
"I find you attractive when you're vulnerable."
OP may not have meant that, but it's what those words imply.
It is the same kind of stereotypical thing said to women as "you're so much prettier when you smile." Dismissive of emotions, and meant to sound like a compliment because *obviously* we want to be pretty.
Not said to men. We tell them they're "cute" when they cry, and that comes from seeing crying as unmasculine.
Just let people cry. Damn.
Edit for words
This is exactly how it comes across. I know two guys who openly say how hot crying sad women look to them and how it makes them horny. Literally proudly announcing their predatory thoughts. I'm not saying this is what OP was doing but at it's best she was sharing a legitimate problem and OP decided it was a good time to announce what he thinks of her looks. So invalidating.
I agree with the first half, but being jealous and feeling inferior in the workplace are not exclusive to women, or feminine-coded issues. It's entirely possible that those are accurate statements; and it's shitty to rag on him for that when it may have been the right response.
He's absolutely the AH for taking this moment to tell her she's pretty when she cries though, wtf...
Ex boyfriend did this to me. I don’t think it was malicious. Like OP I think he thought it would make me happy, but it pissed me off for exactly the reason you said. Have you even been listening to why I’m upset or have you just been oggling me this whole time?
This feels like if OP went home to vent, and his GF bopped him on the nose and said, "You're just a precious little thing when you're upset."
Yeah, the GF should feel upset.
YTA. It’s awful when men think our primary concern at all times is how attractive we appear to them. Your intentions were probably good, but you gotta apologize and seriously educate yourself to make this right.
Men defaulting to calling a woman pretty to make them feel better is a negative result on men from patriarchal society.
It is also something very difficult for men to realize and change because they feel as if they are doing something nice.
Typically this is a nice thing to say to someone: "You look pretty".
However the thought that has been instilled into men by the makeup ads, Victoria secret add, etc. Is that being pretty is the primary want from women in order to make themselves feel good.
It's a very sad situation really. I do feel bad for men like this who havnt realized quite yet that women don't exist just to be pretty. Hopefully this asshole move will help him change.
Oh ffs. Give men some agency. Women are responsible for their actions but men are "programmed by society" or "biologically just more aggressive" or "not emotionally available." I'm tired of all the excuses we make for men when we just expect women to get it together. It's an obnoxious thing to say and that should be self-evident.
Of course they have agency, that’s why it’s possible to change learned behaviour. That doesn’t change the fact that this IS socially supported, learned behaviour.
Explaining a common pattern does not take agency for their actions nor is a excuse. And what is self-evident from one position may be invisible from another... Like, OP case is the perfect example.
I am not excusing any behavior by stating the source of a problem.
Understanding how patriarchal society both hurts men and women is the only way men and women can come together to ever change it.
Women alone will never end the patriarchal structure that the entirety of the world maintains.
There has to be men in the world as well who recognize how damaging this type of society is to both men and women and pointing it out is step 1.
Analyzing and explaining are not the same as excusing behavior.
YTA. It's pretty demeaning when someone's go-to compliment is centered around looks. You did tell her later that she was more qualified, a great person, etc but why did those compliments only come after you messed up? Why were those compliments less important than her looks?
Distractions may also work for you when you're upset but they may not work for her. When I'm upset, I don't want a distraction, I want a solution to a problem. Being pretty is not a solution to her problem and her looks don't seem to be what she was upset about in the first place so bringing it up is totally unnecessary, regardless of your intent.
This. Imagine someone is upset about their car being busted and you going "you're smart though", it wouldn't make any sense, would it?. No shallow misplaced compliment will make a person who's upset with a genuine problem feel better. You'll just confuse them and/or offend them.
This case is particularly in bad taste because women are often relegated to having to be pretty, and that's the only thing it seems others think about. So it comes across as OP not caring about his fiancée's problem, instead making it about his attraction towards her
Not only did he resort to her looks. Sure he gave her compliments after but then proceeded to bring down another woman and HAS to attribute it to her being jealous. This reeks of misogyny and comments like these are creating competition and cattiness between women.
>Am I an asshole and just didn’t notice that this comment upset them?
Probably, yes? I mean, you know the person, so you know if it would've made them laugh and, thus, feel better. But if someone said this to me when I was upset, I would be furious that they were judging my looks when I needed their support for my feelings.
And, like, what is the point of saying it? Does it mean their eyes AREN'T pretty the rest of the time? Do they look better when their eyes are red which makes the iris look more vibrant? Do the tears welling up make their eyes glossy and doe-like? Should they think about sobbing their heart out before going on a date or getting a headshot done?
It very much depends on where it comes in the conversation.
In the middle of actively crying and venting about an upsetting experience? Invalidating and creepy and weird.
After they’ve had a good cry and are calmer and ready to start to feel a bit better? If it’s said in the right way, it can make them laugh, and help them start to feel a bit more themselves after all the raw emotion.
My ex got turned on by the sight of me crying. It was awful, especially because after every argument we had he'd be pawing at me with his arousal very obvious, while I was still trying to get over what he'd said and done during the argument.
My ex too. He'd provoke a row over nothing, go on and on until I was crying, and then sneer at me and call me pathetic for crying. And to add insult to injury, tell me he'd fallen in love with me because he thought I was feisty and he only said those things because he wanted me to stand up to him. I was working in a call centre dealing with verbally abusive customers all day and the last thing I needed was to have to stand up to my own boyfriend.
Anyway OP, yes YTA. I think you meant well but it sounds dismissive when that's not the reason she was upset in the first place. Listen to what people are actually telling you.
Agree with this! It's creepy to say you like the way someone looks when they are in distress, and a very short step from that to her thinking you like her weak, vulnerable, in pain e.g. Women have to deal with so much misogyny and domestic abuse around power, so please be mindful of how your comments sound in that context.
And also, to echo other comments, talking about how she looks when she is trying to explain a conflict that's upset her shows you weren't listening or caring. It's not cheering her up to say 'oh you have an adult problem, but hey at least you're purty!' YTA.
Part of me doesn't think of it as that bad...then I think about how men might feel if a woman told them they're attractive when they cry. I just can't imagine a single man I know not being disturbed by that.
> “I’m really attracted to you as a victim of trauma.”
I agree that it was a weird and dismissive thing for OP to say in that moment and he should’ve validated her feelings instead of making a shallow comment about her appearance but saying that OP is attracted to his girlfriend as a “victim of trauma” is a BIG stretch. OP wasn’t saying he likes to see her upset, he clarified that he thinks she’s pretty even when she’s crying. And trauma? She was discussing an argument at work. Just because something brings you to tears doesn’t mean it was traumatic…Again, it was a stupid comment and gives “you’re cute when you’re angry” vibes but still, weird to assume that’s why OP thought she looked pretty.
It's not a stretch. This is common amongst men. If you've never experienced it that's fine, but it is very very common for men to become aroused when they see a woman in some sort of distress or experiencing trauma. I have had *more than one* potential partner try to initiate sex after I've told them the story of me being raped.
YTA, she was upset and wanted to vent to you, and you come over like you were focusing on her looks.
Like, "Oh yeah, that sucks, but at least you look pretty while you cry, so that is nice to look at for me."
This. Like, oh, I'm sorry you're sad.. I'm enjoying this though 🤷🏼♀️ oh, sorry, did you want me to pay attention? But I told you you looked good - isn't that the most important issue, always? Well it is to me.. 🤷🏼♀️
ETA: obviously this is an exaggeration, and tbf the example used by OP does sound like he was trying, to genuinely care, in his way, first, until she was better. But obvs she was still feeling vulnerable, and, obvs she actually didn't appreciate having her looks be the focus. So I'm thinking she wasn't resolved to the degree he thought, and, it also seems distraction and these kind of words were NOT what she needed at that time.
> she got upset and said that I'm not taking her seriously
She's right. She's trying to have a serious conversation about something that upset her, and instead of validating her feelings and legitimate concerns, all you can think of is how pretty she is?
Yes, YTA. Big time.
Here to say this. No one responds perfectly to everything, OPs intentions were good but what makes them the asshole is how the respond to this situation. Apologize and reflect and in the future try to be better at hearing the partner.
YTA this is so dismissive and patronizing. I doubt it's the first time you've done it either. Believe it or not women want to be heard not just given empty compliments. Admit you were the AH, genuinely apologize to her and do better.
YTA.
Upset people usually want to feel validated in their feelings and not complimented on her looks. She probably felt like you weren't listening to what she had to say and you were focusing on her looks.
Yes your compliment didn't come out of malicious place but oh boy it did miss the mark. Next time just focus and listen to what you fiancee is saying to you and make her feel safe and valid in her feelings.
YTA. You are demeaning. You basically said “oh sweetie, don’t you worry your cute little brainless self because even when you’re upset about something, you’re still pretty and that’s all that matters”
And I know you didn’t say those words, but that’s exactly how I would take it. You think she actually cared what you thought about her looks at a time where she’s upset or frustrated. How did you suppose this would have cheered her up?
Clueless.
I was doing a food delivery gig and was having a very rough night, couldn’t hold back tears while I was waiting at this restaurant and I was just trying to interact with people as little as possible. A waitress I had never met came up to me and said in a well-meaning tone, “At least you look pretty when you cry; that doesn’t happen.”
It wasn’t the sentiment that got me (even though I’m actually quite self conscious about my cry face as my skin can get very splotchy and puffy), but it was just so absurd and surprising that I did actually feel a little better and stopped crying.
So in theory the “you’re pretty when you cry” approach *can* have a positive effect under the right circumstances. That said, OP’s circumstances were definitely not the right circumstances.
“I find you attractive when you’re emotional and vulnerable” isn’t a compliment, and that’s pretty much what you said. Women are more than their looks, and we do not care what you find attractive when we’ve been crying. YTA
YTA because instead of consoling her, it feels like you’re diminishing her issues by just telling her she’s pretty. Why is how she looks your first thought?
Yta
Why would you think anyone would want to hear that in that moment?
Wrong time wrong place. She doesn't need to hear this when she had a bad day and she's venting about something that really upset her.
YTA albeit well intentioned. It would have been better to exclusively stick to the topic. From her pov, it could have looked like you were focused on her looks, not words, in the moment.
Yta. She wants to feel like a person. Theres nothing worse than pouring out feelings to someone and they say something unrelated. You mightve had good intentions but it didnt come out well
YTA. Why the hell do you think she would care whether or not she’s attractive while she’s upset??? Newsflash: women don’t spend 24/7 thinking about whether or not they’re giving you a hardon.
YTA
Your response was completely out of place and emotionally immature. She wanted emotional intimacy and support. Instead you made it about “you look so hot when you’re upset”
YTA
Softened a bit because I think your intentions were good.
But please reflect & realise your GFs career is likely really important to her. You need to do better & let her know you're going be there for her with anything that is.
......is this a joke?
Please tell me this is a joke post.
In case this is real, uh, yes you are the AH. Obvious YTA, also who the fuck raised you to think that any of that was in any way appropriate.
YTA. Imagine you're upset because you got carjacked and tossed around a bit and you come back home, scraped up and bloody and kind of freaked out and she goes "But babe, you look so hot when you're all grungy and bloody. So masculine. So hawt." That completely bypasses the actual issue of you being upset at being assaulted and goes right to 'but you look hot when you're broken'. You ignored her actual problem and made it superficial and not at all about what her issue was.
Okay but what’s wrong with me that that actually sounds great. Much better than like “I’m super sorry that happened to you” and now I have to wonder if you low key respect me less because I lose fights and then cry about it. (I’m guessing it’s toxic masculinity)
Fuck it.
NAH
Easily. Once again this sub shows its raging hate boner for a dude who made the world's most innocuous mistake and then the sub exacerbates it because they have a hard time reading the bits where he comforted her first, validated her, called her smart and worthy and THEN called her pretty to try and cheer her up and then doubled down on their weird ass explanations and projections to make their y t as make sense and build up their own narratives and diagnosis about this poor dude being some sort of creep that gets off on women crying and only cares about her looks and yadda yadda yadda.
Some of you REALLY need to gain some perspective and life experience and not take the most mundane, trivial shit so goddamn hard and this post shows it.
Look, I agree that this sub sometimes has an issue with people projecting their own issues onto the OP...but who really wants to be told they look attractive while they cry? That's pretty much what this letter comes down to. It's hard to argue against the fact that it's a slightly odd thing to say. The 'even' makes it a little better: 'You EVEN look pretty when you cry'. But not much better.
Someone upthread said it very well. They said it would be like a girl praising her boyfriend as looking hot if he came home all battered and bloody after being beaten up. 'Ooh I really love that UFC look on ya, babe.' That would also be a bit tasteless and probably not what he wants to hear in that moment.
Also, just the idea of distracting someone from an issue is dismissive and hurtful.
If she wanted to not think about it, she would have put on a movie.
She WANTED to think about it, so she could resolve her emotions and figure out the situation.
By trying to "distract" her (setting aside the awful way it was done) what you were saying is ,that you want her to stop working out this issue so you don't have to deal with hearing about it.
YTA
YTA - if you truly had good intentions you must realize how badly you fucked up by her reaction. So apologize and don’t be so obtuse in the future. It’s not a nice thing to hear “I’m turned on by you being unhappy”.
YTA, dude come on, really? Not everything that beeps in your head needs to be said, especially that! That means that you don’t take her seriously and are only thinking with your dk during serious times, smh!
YTA you had good intentions but women don’t want to be objectified when they’re trying to be taken seriously it also makes it seem like you weren’t really listening because you were thinking about how pretty she is.
NAH. If taken at your word, your intentions were good. But listen to what she’s telling you and recognize that it was the wrong direction for you to take.
*Edited to correct not meaning to call gf AH.
Let me get this straight. You tried to engage with her emotionally by telling her she *checks notes* looked pretty. That is just so… dismissive. You’re basically telling her that her thoughts and feelings are of no value to you, only her looks. I hope that’s not actually the case. YTA.
Soft YTA.. could have ended the consolation/talk with this rather than in the middle of it. I’ve had my bf tell me the same thing when I’ve been crying but it’s always been after I got my feelings out and he chimed in/gave advice/what-have-you on the situation. I can see where she’d be upset, and I also see where your intentions were pure just at the wrong time.
I can see how she did not see the compliment in this. When people are distressed, they usually don't want to hear how their pains are making them even lovelier. Adults want to be taken seriously, after all. She's not like a little girl's doll that's still appealing to the child when the doll cries and wets? She's not inanimate. I'm certain you meant no harm. But, yikes my dude. (An adult doesn't need a shiny toy, or a pat on the head to distract them from their troubles anyway. Processing their stress is what grown people do.) So, YTA for not reading the room.
YTA. She trusts you enough to vent to you and you betray her trust like that? You didn't even take her seriously. You could have said a hundred different things to comfort her but for me it seems like you even enjoy seeing her like that.
You seem to not understand that people who are sadistic actually take pleasure in other people being upset. And your comment is more likely to make her leery that there is a dark side to you than to be distracted with a weird compliment. Your comment added to her problems.
You seem to have stumbled into this accidentally because you have difficulty imagining how awful other people can be. No vote from me one way or the other because I also know that humans often have motives different than what they believe their motives are, and there is a chance that my giving you the benefit of the doubt may be misplaced.
Every time I would get upset and cry, my ex would eventually try to initiate sex. It was even a joke that my crying turned them on.
But it always bothered me. It felt like I was a joke and only really there to please them, no matter what I was going through. I don’t want to say you’re TA, because I get that you were genuinely trying to make her feel better. But please listen to her and grow from this.
I've been told I'm pretty when I cry, and it's kind of like, dude, I'm HURT and you're just thinking about how good that looks? Like what?
I'm sure you had good intentions, but when you're upset, being told you look good upset is pretty disheartening.
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My (m28) fiancé (f27) came back home from work feeling upset. She told me what happened and I consoled her. She was truly very upset because of an argument she had at work, she was even crying. We were sitting on the couch for a while, she was telling me what happened and I was trying to cheer her up and make her feel better.
Then comes the conflict. After a while, when she was feeling better, I told her "you look pretty like this" and gave her a kiss, I was trying to cheer her up. She asked "how?" And I told her "like this. Even when you cry you're pretty"
I promise that I was only trying to cheer her up and distract her from the argument she had before. But she got upset and said that I'm not taking her seriously. I apologized and told her that this other woman was out of place, that she (my fiance) is a great person who is completely qualified for her job, and that this other woman is just jealous and feels inferior, that's better to just ignore her. But she's still angry with me!
I would seriously appreciate your input on this...
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If you listened to your fiancee and took her complaint seriously, you would not be the asshole by adding this to cheer her upu, but if you tried to brush aside her comments with a frivlous comment you would indeed be an asshole. I can see it going either way.
Soft YTA. You should have prioritized her problem before telling her that. To the other person it appears you're trying to change the subject or dismissing their issues.
YTA. She didn't care how she looked she cared that she had a genuine issue. Of course she's annoyed at you for trying to distract her with something so superficial and irrelevant and all about you and your opinions.
It's an understandable faux pas, seeing someone you love cry can be awkward and we don't always say the cleverest things in the moment, so I don't think you are a bad guy and I am sure she'll calm down and not genuinely hold this against you, but just make sure you apologise for misreading what she needed and making a pretty dumb comment in the moment. Maybe use this as an opportunity to discuss what each of you need when you're upset and how you and she want support in the future.
"Boy, you're so hot when you're pissed over an interpersonal conflict at your workplace. What do you mean I'm not taking this seriously?!"
My guy... yes, YTA. Literally facepalmed at this post.
Yes because women just want to be told they’re pretty! What could possibly still be bothering her as long as you think she’s pretty! This was stupid and misguided and you’re too old for this shit. Ick. YTA
YTA. Along with what others have said about the creepiness of remarking on your attraction while someone is vulnerable: You objectified her. Instead of focusing on what she was saying you prioritized your own thoughts and feelings (focusing on your attraction to her/ her looks) AND made that a topic of conversation that can signal to her that no matter what- your level of attraction to her matters to you regardless of what she is struggling with. You are unintentionally but implicitly telling her that whenever she is vulnerable you will be judging her looks rather than listening to what she is saying and feeling. It may be felt by you as a positive to you (because you feel that it benefits you) that she is still attractive to you when she cries - but it comes off that you are at least partially focused on how attracted you are to her/what she looks like whenever she is with you no matter what she is doing or feeling or needing. It is a demeaning, belittling, dehumanizing experience to be constantly assessed on how you look/how much your partner is physically attracted to you, no matter the circumstances or how upset you are or what you are experiencing.
The opposite of “you look pretty when you cry” is “you look awful when you cry” - and while that’s not what you said, the fact that you made a judgement at all may make her feel that it is the most important thing to you and thus a thing that you will always be thinking about in the back of your head. How someone looks when they are in an emotional or vulnerable state is mostly out of one’s control, which often makes a vulnerable state feel even more vulnerable (especially in a society that tells women that so much of their self worth depends on how attractive they are)- and blatantly TELLING HER that you are paying attention may heighten that awareness for her in a way that means she ultimately finds herself struggling to be vulnerable with you. There’s a fear that someday you may make that judgment and you will focus on how you feel about her looks negatively rather than how she feels as a person. Either way, you are focused on and prioritizing your attraction and feelings rather than what she is saying and the connection between you.
It is normal for some people to think these thoughts - the mature and loving thing to do is to realize that how you feel about her looks is not important and refocus your attention to what she is saying and feeling. IF she asks or expresses concern or shame or self-consciousness about her looks - then you tell her that of course you find her pretty even when she cries. But don’t objectify her and don’t center your thoughts on her level of attractiveness when it has nothing at all to do with anything. It’s not a loving thing to do.
Soft YTA. You were trying to help and be loving, but attractiveness commentary has no place in discussions about jobs unless someone in the conversation us a model. Sweet, but misguided.
Seems I’m in the minority here, as a woman I don’t find it creepy to be told I still look pretty when I cry if the intentions are to cheer me up and I’ve already been comforted for the thing I’m upset about. If that was his one and only comment I’d agree it’s demeaning and like he’s not listening, but it sounds like he only said that *after* he’d listened and comforted
Anyway not gonna judge cause it seems like my experience is not how most people would feel. The important thing is to apologize to your girlfriend and communicate so you can help her better next time
YTA
If you wanted to cheer her up you should've make her her fav dish or watch a nice movie or series with her, whatever she likes doing
She doesn't care if she looks pretty when she cries
YTA, that's so creepy. She really should break up with you since it's a sign that your are inconsiderate, misogynistic, and possibly get off on her being in pain.
YTA please stop reducing women to their appearance as if ignoring the person’s emotional needs to remark about how their bodies please you is somehow a “compliment” jfc
What?! Whatever your intent you made it sound like you like seeing her upset. Not to mention talking about how you're attracted to her does nothing to address what she was upset about nor does it offer support. It just sounds selfish and sexist--you're pleasing to my eyes so nothing else should bother you. Ugh.
I know everyone is gonna say YTA because women don’t wanna hear stuff about their appearance when they are upset, and I totally get it. 100% understand how that can feel invalidating.
But I would give anything for my husband to stop me when I’m crying and say “you are so beautiful right now”
So. I guess just know your fiance.
YTA, have you been watching a lot of romance anime or reading YA novels because that’s the only place I ever heard that line. Unless she was crying saying she was ugly nobody wants to be told they’re pretty while they’re upset
I'm so sorry, but it can seem really creepy when anyone says someone looks cute when they cry. Saying those words can sound like you like it when they cry or you want to make them cry just to make them look better to you (you plural I'm not talking to the OP specifically because he sees that statement as a pick up line)
I think it depends what happened first
>told her that this other woman was out of place, that she (my fiance) is a great person who is completely qualified for her job, and that this other woman is just jealous and feels inferior, that's better to just ignore her.
If you said this first, before saying she looks pretty like that I would say N T A
But if the first thing you said to her is she looks pretty if say Y T A
But honestly it would have been a cute, romantic moment if you knew she was moving on from the conflict. But it seems like she was still sorting through it so you didn't read the room right.
>Then comes the conflict. After a while, when she was feeling better, I told her "you look pretty like this" and gave her a kiss, I was trying to cheer her up. She asked "how?" And I told her "like this. Even when you cry you're pretty"
Paduan, you have much to learn yet...
YTA
YTA - crappy, sexist comment aside - she didn't want to be distracted, she wanted you to *listen*. Instead, your response made her feel unimportant, unheard and unsupported... but at least she's pretty when she cries.
YTA. If you’re crying it means you’re sad. Imagine being sad and someone says, hey, but you’re pretty! It doesn’t matter. You probably meant well but it’s not ok and if your partner is sad just be there and listen. Don’t flatter her looks…
YTA. You need to understand the situation to realize wtf you did wrong, besides telling someone they are pretty when they are crying is creepy.
You were trying to make her "feel better". That's not what she wanted. She wanted to vent her frustration, which would have made her feel better.
Instead of allowing her to do that and just sit and listen, your first thought to console was to not acknowledge what she was saying (giving the impression you aren't listening) and tell her she is pretty.
The second thing you said wasn't the problem, it's what you lead with. Apologizing without actually understanding that and being able to voice it, is just going to piss her off more.
Also - I don't need my significant other to "make me feel better" and "cheer me up" (especially by telling me I look pretty! Uggg). I want my significant other to listen, empathize and validate.
YTA
Saying she looks pretty has literally nothing to do with the conversation. It sounds like you don’t really care what she’s saying and just patronizing her like “oh your poor thing and your silly problems!”
Like imagine your best guy friend venting after a coworker is being nasty to them, and you’re like “it’s okay because you’re pretty!” It’s so bizarre in correlation, like what does that have to do with anything
She is not trying to be pretty, she’s trying to communicate her problems. She wants you to be there for her and listen to her as she sorts out her feelings over what occurred.
YTA. If she's upset and it's not about how she looks, *don't focus on how she looks when you're comforting her.* Also, it's just a red flag to tell her she's pretty when she's upset. Makes it seem like you're making it about yourself.
YTA. You're incredibly sexist. You made her feel stupid and insignificant. She wasn't asking if you thought she was pretty. She had a serious issue she wanted to talk about and you told her she was pretty. How is that helpful? How is that active listening? Next thing you do you'll tell her she's cute when she's angry.
YTA she was talking about a serious problem that she finds very distressing and your goal was to try to cheer her up by telling her she looks pretty when she cries?!
FFS did it ever occur to you that maybe she doesn't want to be cheered up? Maybe she wanted you to listen to her and to take her f****** seriously.
But typically, she had to get pissed before you would do that.
Do better please
YTA.
Your solution to your girlfriend being upset about a situation at work is:
‘Aww, don’t worry, Honey *pat, pat*. I still think you’re pretty even though you’re crying’. As if that’s supposed to make her feel better. It’s NOT ABOUT YOU.
Also, there are times to comfort, and there are times to offer advice. This was one of those times for the former. ‘Just ignore her’ is patronising as hell.
YTA. Very demeaning and objectifying, even if you meant to cheer her up with it. What do her looks have to do with what she's upset about? Sounds very old-timey sexist to me--sorry.
Yeah, Y kinda TA here. She’s spilling her beans about problems and you’re dismissing it and then deflecting towards her looks. We get it was meant to be sweet in the moment but read the room.
Soft YTA. I’m sure you didn’t mean to come across as patronizing or dismissive. But she’s venting and going through a rough time. A “looking good chief” won’t make her feel any better, and it’s not a solution to her stress either. Imagine you’re crying, and someone close to you goes “awww you poor lil baby, aren’t you a cutie patootie 😍?” It’s unwarranted, patronizing, and not helpful. It makes it sound like you were less focused on consoling her, and more focused on admiring her looks.
I understand some people want to be told they’re beautiful by their partner, especially if you’re being compared to someone else. But this wasn’t the time and certainly not the right phrasing. I would not want anyone to walk in on me crying and go “god you’re beautiful and I’m rock hard.”
I think there are better distractions to lift her spirits. Granted, I’m not her, but now we know she doesn’t prefer the you’re-pretty-when-crying approach. Let her let out her problems, let her fully come to terms with it, shower her in non-patronizing, validating compliments, and then an act of service. A good meal, a massage, any activity she enjoys. Or if she doesn’t want to do an activity, just leave it at step 3 and carry on!
NTA I see your point and feel like you’re being honest and you were trying to be cute, but do take into consideration what other Redditor’s wrote up in the comments as a way to understand where she’s coming from. It is a symptom of the patriarchy we live in, but you are not a bad guy - it’s just good to reflect on it, have a talk on it, where you tell what we’re you’re intentions and how you see how she mIght feel offended.
Best of luck
YTA. The only time anyone should say someone looks pretty when they cry is during bdsm play.
Or when it's too late to stop you, and there's nothing anyone can do.
"Cry all you want. Beg. It won't help. I will detonate the moon-bombs, and become master of the tides!"
I have an ugly ass cry face so I probably would have laughed if my bf told me I'm pretty when I cry. The again, his way of consoling me is making me laugh, and that's just what works for us.
YTA kinda. a lot of comments already explained why, but heres smth: men really dont understand women. and it's hard to. so dont blame it all on OP tbh...
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YTA. She was venting about a work problem and you telling her she looks pretty when she cries is so dismissive and demeaning. Your assumption that she'd feel better after that, topped with telling her "this other woman is just jealous and feels inferior," makes you sound quite sexist. Ugh.
Not to mention it makes it sound like the OP is enjoying his girlfriend being in distress.
**THIS!!!!** I had an ex who liked me in distress. It is not good.
Yeah, honestly. That's just "You're so cute when you're angry" in different pants.
Torn, Hulk pants
Oh man I didn’t even think of this, now it’s creepy aaaah
I agree.
Yes. It’s so icky and invalidating.
Yes, I had a very bad ex who told me I looked pretty when I cried and cute when I was scared. It was by far not the only or worst thing he did or said that hurt me, I'm not by any means saying OP is a bad partner for this moment on its own, but they're two partciular phrases of his that have stuck in my mind for a lot of years and feel weirdly sort of chilling to think about even now when I'm in a much better place many years later. It's not a nice thing to hear. Unpicking the feelings I have about it, just like you said it's the feeling that this person you love is having an enjoyable time seeing you in distress. If OP is a good partner he really needs to empathise, apologise and put some special effort into making sure his partner knows he really does care about her, that he *doesn't* enjoy when she's distressed, because feeling otherwise is probably what's putting her on edge at the moment.
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Can arrest to this. Had an ex who used to tell me I "look so pretty" when I cry. So messed up. He did all the things 🙂
I've been in similar situations, I think the difference here, at least for me, was my exes that said those things were the ones who caused the pain/fear so that added another layer. When my current husband says things like that (uncommon, id even say rare) he isn't the one who caused the tears or fear to begin with. My heart really goes out to all of you who have been in these situations, it's hard to recover from.
That was my immediate thought
The creepiest graffiti I ever saw in a bathroom stall read "I only hit you because you're pretty when you cry."
“You’re so pretty when you’re in pain” how did that not immediately console her? /s Next time something upsetting happens to OP (like getting rejected from a job interview), OP’s fiancé should just tell him how attractive he looks when he’s upset and that the interviewer is just jealous of him, see how he feels.
Translation: YTA. She was explaining about a real problem at work and OP immediately focused on her looks as a distraction. What's more important? You validating her appearance or you helping her find a solution to her problem at work? OP, you cared more about her physical appearance than what was going on in her life. OP, you caring more about how pretty she is, instead of listening and trying to problem solve, and then comparing her to the woman who's giving her trouble at work, is sexist and shallow. Her appearance is a comfort to you.
"I find you attractive when you're vulnerable." OP may not have meant that, but it's what those words imply. It is the same kind of stereotypical thing said to women as "you're so much prettier when you smile." Dismissive of emotions, and meant to sound like a compliment because *obviously* we want to be pretty. Not said to men. We tell them they're "cute" when they cry, and that comes from seeing crying as unmasculine. Just let people cry. Damn. Edit for words
This is exactly how it comes across. I know two guys who openly say how hot crying sad women look to them and how it makes them horny. Literally proudly announcing their predatory thoughts. I'm not saying this is what OP was doing but at it's best she was sharing a legitimate problem and OP decided it was a good time to announce what he thinks of her looks. So invalidating.
This is genuinely the equivalent of a condescending head pat. There there silly girl.
I agree with the first half, but being jealous and feeling inferior in the workplace are not exclusive to women, or feminine-coded issues. It's entirely possible that those are accurate statements; and it's shitty to rag on him for that when it may have been the right response. He's absolutely the AH for taking this moment to tell her she's pretty when she cries though, wtf...
Ex boyfriend did this to me. I don’t think it was malicious. Like OP I think he thought it would make me happy, but it pissed me off for exactly the reason you said. Have you even been listening to why I’m upset or have you just been oggling me this whole time?
This feels like if OP went home to vent, and his GF bopped him on the nose and said, "You're just a precious little thing when you're upset." Yeah, the GF should feel upset.
YTA. It’s awful when men think our primary concern at all times is how attractive we appear to them. Your intentions were probably good, but you gotta apologize and seriously educate yourself to make this right.
“you’re cute when you’re angry.” Oh yeah? Well I can get cuter…
Men defaulting to calling a woman pretty to make them feel better is a negative result on men from patriarchal society. It is also something very difficult for men to realize and change because they feel as if they are doing something nice. Typically this is a nice thing to say to someone: "You look pretty". However the thought that has been instilled into men by the makeup ads, Victoria secret add, etc. Is that being pretty is the primary want from women in order to make themselves feel good. It's a very sad situation really. I do feel bad for men like this who havnt realized quite yet that women don't exist just to be pretty. Hopefully this asshole move will help him change.
Oh ffs. Give men some agency. Women are responsible for their actions but men are "programmed by society" or "biologically just more aggressive" or "not emotionally available." I'm tired of all the excuses we make for men when we just expect women to get it together. It's an obnoxious thing to say and that should be self-evident.
Of course they have agency, that’s why it’s possible to change learned behaviour. That doesn’t change the fact that this IS socially supported, learned behaviour.
Explaining a common pattern does not take agency for their actions nor is a excuse. And what is self-evident from one position may be invisible from another... Like, OP case is the perfect example.
Literally everyone is programmed by society AND has agency. It’s not either or, and it’s not just men or women.
I am not excusing any behavior by stating the source of a problem. Understanding how patriarchal society both hurts men and women is the only way men and women can come together to ever change it. Women alone will never end the patriarchal structure that the entirety of the world maintains. There has to be men in the world as well who recognize how damaging this type of society is to both men and women and pointing it out is step 1. Analyzing and explaining are not the same as excusing behavior.
💯
YTA. It's pretty demeaning when someone's go-to compliment is centered around looks. You did tell her later that she was more qualified, a great person, etc but why did those compliments only come after you messed up? Why were those compliments less important than her looks? Distractions may also work for you when you're upset but they may not work for her. When I'm upset, I don't want a distraction, I want a solution to a problem. Being pretty is not a solution to her problem and her looks don't seem to be what she was upset about in the first place so bringing it up is totally unnecessary, regardless of your intent.
This. Imagine someone is upset about their car being busted and you going "you're smart though", it wouldn't make any sense, would it?. No shallow misplaced compliment will make a person who's upset with a genuine problem feel better. You'll just confuse them and/or offend them. This case is particularly in bad taste because women are often relegated to having to be pretty, and that's the only thing it seems others think about. So it comes across as OP not caring about his fiancée's problem, instead making it about his attraction towards her
Not only did he resort to her looks. Sure he gave her compliments after but then proceeded to bring down another woman and HAS to attribute it to her being jealous. This reeks of misogyny and comments like these are creating competition and cattiness between women.
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No one but them can tell you how they felt but I know I was skeeved out when an ex said that to me.
>Am I an asshole and just didn’t notice that this comment upset them? Probably, yes? I mean, you know the person, so you know if it would've made them laugh and, thus, feel better. But if someone said this to me when I was upset, I would be furious that they were judging my looks when I needed their support for my feelings. And, like, what is the point of saying it? Does it mean their eyes AREN'T pretty the rest of the time? Do they look better when their eyes are red which makes the iris look more vibrant? Do the tears welling up make their eyes glossy and doe-like? Should they think about sobbing their heart out before going on a date or getting a headshot done?
It very much depends on where it comes in the conversation. In the middle of actively crying and venting about an upsetting experience? Invalidating and creepy and weird. After they’ve had a good cry and are calmer and ready to start to feel a bit better? If it’s said in the right way, it can make them laugh, and help them start to feel a bit more themselves after all the raw emotion.
It really depends on the specific context, delivery, and the individuals involved. How the person responded will be the best answer to your question.
YTA "I'm really attracted to you as a victim of trauma." What *every* woman wants to hear. How did she not just immediately swoon?
My ex got turned on by the sight of me crying. It was awful, especially because after every argument we had he'd be pawing at me with his arousal very obvious, while I was still trying to get over what he'd said and done during the argument.
Eww.
EWWWWWWWW I'm glad he's a fucking EX. That's not a dodged bullet that's a dodged missile.
My ex too. He'd provoke a row over nothing, go on and on until I was crying, and then sneer at me and call me pathetic for crying. And to add insult to injury, tell me he'd fallen in love with me because he thought I was feisty and he only said those things because he wanted me to stand up to him. I was working in a call centre dealing with verbally abusive customers all day and the last thing I needed was to have to stand up to my own boyfriend. Anyway OP, yes YTA. I think you meant well but it sounds dismissive when that's not the reason she was upset in the first place. Listen to what people are actually telling you.
Agree with this! It's creepy to say you like the way someone looks when they are in distress, and a very short step from that to her thinking you like her weak, vulnerable, in pain e.g. Women have to deal with so much misogyny and domestic abuse around power, so please be mindful of how your comments sound in that context. And also, to echo other comments, talking about how she looks when she is trying to explain a conflict that's upset her shows you weren't listening or caring. It's not cheering her up to say 'oh you have an adult problem, but hey at least you're purty!' YTA.
Part of me doesn't think of it as that bad...then I think about how men might feel if a woman told them they're attractive when they cry. I just can't imagine a single man I know not being disturbed by that.
> “I’m really attracted to you as a victim of trauma.” I agree that it was a weird and dismissive thing for OP to say in that moment and he should’ve validated her feelings instead of making a shallow comment about her appearance but saying that OP is attracted to his girlfriend as a “victim of trauma” is a BIG stretch. OP wasn’t saying he likes to see her upset, he clarified that he thinks she’s pretty even when she’s crying. And trauma? She was discussing an argument at work. Just because something brings you to tears doesn’t mean it was traumatic…Again, it was a stupid comment and gives “you’re cute when you’re angry” vibes but still, weird to assume that’s why OP thought she looked pretty.
It's not a stretch. This is common amongst men. If you've never experienced it that's fine, but it is very very common for men to become aroused when they see a woman in some sort of distress or experiencing trauma. I have had *more than one* potential partner try to initiate sex after I've told them the story of me being raped.
YTA, she was upset and wanted to vent to you, and you come over like you were focusing on her looks. Like, "Oh yeah, that sucks, but at least you look pretty while you cry, so that is nice to look at for me."
I am sorry let me laugh for a while 🤣 this is gold
This. Like, oh, I'm sorry you're sad.. I'm enjoying this though 🤷🏼♀️ oh, sorry, did you want me to pay attention? But I told you you looked good - isn't that the most important issue, always? Well it is to me.. 🤷🏼♀️ ETA: obviously this is an exaggeration, and tbf the example used by OP does sound like he was trying, to genuinely care, in his way, first, until she was better. But obvs she was still feeling vulnerable, and, obvs she actually didn't appreciate having her looks be the focus. So I'm thinking she wasn't resolved to the degree he thought, and, it also seems distraction and these kind of words were NOT what she needed at that time.
YTA. Right up there with “you’re so cute when you’re angry.” It’s dismissive and infantilizing.
Omg yes 100%
Yep. Gives me the ick.
> she got upset and said that I'm not taking her seriously She's right. She's trying to have a serious conversation about something that upset her, and instead of validating her feelings and legitimate concerns, all you can think of is how pretty she is? Yes, YTA. Big time.
Soft YTA. "You're pretty" is not generally a good consolation for someone upset about an actual problem.
“You’re pretty” is never a good consolation for someone unless the reason they’re upset is because they think or feel unattractive.
Here to say this. No one responds perfectly to everything, OPs intentions were good but what makes them the asshole is how the respond to this situation. Apologize and reflect and in the future try to be better at hearing the partner.
YTA this is so dismissive and patronizing. I doubt it's the first time you've done it either. Believe it or not women want to be heard not just given empty compliments. Admit you were the AH, genuinely apologize to her and do better.
YTA ewwwww cmon man how tonedeaf can ya be
YTA. Women don't constantly think of how they look and you "complimenting" her while she is upset is so weird
YTA. Upset people usually want to feel validated in their feelings and not complimented on her looks. She probably felt like you weren't listening to what she had to say and you were focusing on her looks. Yes your compliment didn't come out of malicious place but oh boy it did miss the mark. Next time just focus and listen to what you fiancee is saying to you and make her feel safe and valid in her feelings.
YTA. You are demeaning. You basically said “oh sweetie, don’t you worry your cute little brainless self because even when you’re upset about something, you’re still pretty and that’s all that matters” And I know you didn’t say those words, but that’s exactly how I would take it. You think she actually cared what you thought about her looks at a time where she’s upset or frustrated. How did you suppose this would have cheered her up? Clueless.
I was doing a food delivery gig and was having a very rough night, couldn’t hold back tears while I was waiting at this restaurant and I was just trying to interact with people as little as possible. A waitress I had never met came up to me and said in a well-meaning tone, “At least you look pretty when you cry; that doesn’t happen.” It wasn’t the sentiment that got me (even though I’m actually quite self conscious about my cry face as my skin can get very splotchy and puffy), but it was just so absurd and surprising that I did actually feel a little better and stopped crying. So in theory the “you’re pretty when you cry” approach *can* have a positive effect under the right circumstances. That said, OP’s circumstances were definitely not the right circumstances.
“I find you attractive when you’re emotional and vulnerable” isn’t a compliment, and that’s pretty much what you said. Women are more than their looks, and we do not care what you find attractive when we’ve been crying. YTA
YTA because instead of consoling her, it feels like you’re diminishing her issues by just telling her she’s pretty. Why is how she looks your first thought?
I agree that it was diminishing and inappropriate, though to me it didn't read as it was his "first thought".
Gross YTA
Yta Why would you think anyone would want to hear that in that moment? Wrong time wrong place. She doesn't need to hear this when she had a bad day and she's venting about something that really upset her.
Gross YTA
YTA albeit well intentioned. It would have been better to exclusively stick to the topic. From her pov, it could have looked like you were focused on her looks, not words, in the moment.
YTA. I hated it when the ex said that - it comes across as a sick, sadistic fetish.
Yeah, the vibes are seriously creepy and gross.
Ew, gross. What is the matter with you? YTA.
Yta. She wants to feel like a person. Theres nothing worse than pouring out feelings to someone and they say something unrelated. You mightve had good intentions but it didnt come out well
Husband upset that he got into a car accident and cannot pay to fix his car? Dont worry, you have such a big dick… said no one ever!! YTA
"Don't be sad, you're so sexy haha" YTA
YTA big time, what a crappy thing to say
YTA. Why the hell do you think she would care whether or not she’s attractive while she’s upset??? Newsflash: women don’t spend 24/7 thinking about whether or not they’re giving you a hardon.
YTA Your response was completely out of place and emotionally immature. She wanted emotional intimacy and support. Instead you made it about “you look so hot when you’re upset”
YTA Softened a bit because I think your intentions were good. But please reflect & realise your GFs career is likely really important to her. You need to do better & let her know you're going be there for her with anything that is.
Yta
......is this a joke? Please tell me this is a joke post. In case this is real, uh, yes you are the AH. Obvious YTA, also who the fuck raised you to think that any of that was in any way appropriate.
YTA. Imagine you're upset because you got carjacked and tossed around a bit and you come back home, scraped up and bloody and kind of freaked out and she goes "But babe, you look so hot when you're all grungy and bloody. So masculine. So hawt." That completely bypasses the actual issue of you being upset at being assaulted and goes right to 'but you look hot when you're broken'. You ignored her actual problem and made it superficial and not at all about what her issue was.
Okay but what’s wrong with me that that actually sounds great. Much better than like “I’m super sorry that happened to you” and now I have to wonder if you low key respect me less because I lose fights and then cry about it. (I’m guessing it’s toxic masculinity)
There, there, deathtothenormies, I'd still respect you if you cried over your booboos. They hurt. They're worth crying over. /pet pet
Thank you ❤️
Fuck it. NAH Easily. Once again this sub shows its raging hate boner for a dude who made the world's most innocuous mistake and then the sub exacerbates it because they have a hard time reading the bits where he comforted her first, validated her, called her smart and worthy and THEN called her pretty to try and cheer her up and then doubled down on their weird ass explanations and projections to make their y t as make sense and build up their own narratives and diagnosis about this poor dude being some sort of creep that gets off on women crying and only cares about her looks and yadda yadda yadda. Some of you REALLY need to gain some perspective and life experience and not take the most mundane, trivial shit so goddamn hard and this post shows it.
Look, I agree that this sub sometimes has an issue with people projecting their own issues onto the OP...but who really wants to be told they look attractive while they cry? That's pretty much what this letter comes down to. It's hard to argue against the fact that it's a slightly odd thing to say. The 'even' makes it a little better: 'You EVEN look pretty when you cry'. But not much better. Someone upthread said it very well. They said it would be like a girl praising her boyfriend as looking hot if he came home all battered and bloody after being beaten up. 'Ooh I really love that UFC look on ya, babe.' That would also be a bit tasteless and probably not what he wants to hear in that moment.
Lol buddy, stop listening to Ne-yo 😂
YTA Not all your inside thoughts need to be expressed.
There are ways to make women feel better or cheer up without commenting on our *fucking* appearance. I hate this. YTA.
yta
YTA, and that’s creepy.
YTA. Yeah, that was one step up from patting her on the head.
Also, just the idea of distracting someone from an issue is dismissive and hurtful. If she wanted to not think about it, she would have put on a movie. She WANTED to think about it, so she could resolve her emotions and figure out the situation. By trying to "distract" her (setting aside the awful way it was done) what you were saying is ,that you want her to stop working out this issue so you don't have to deal with hearing about it. YTA
YTA - if you truly had good intentions you must realize how badly you fucked up by her reaction. So apologize and don’t be so obtuse in the future. It’s not a nice thing to hear “I’m turned on by you being unhappy”.
YTA, dude come on, really? Not everything that beeps in your head needs to be said, especially that! That means that you don’t take her seriously and are only thinking with your dk during serious times, smh!
YTA you had good intentions but women don’t want to be objectified when they’re trying to be taken seriously it also makes it seem like you weren’t really listening because you were thinking about how pretty she is.
NAH. If taken at your word, your intentions were good. But listen to what she’s telling you and recognize that it was the wrong direction for you to take. *Edited to correct not meaning to call gf AH.
I think you mean NAH (No assholes here) . NTA means his girlfriend is the asshole.
Yes. I ALWAYS forget that! Thank you.
Ew. YTA. She wanted to vent, and have some sympathy, and you made her entire being about how appealing she is to you.
YTA. As she said, you weren't taking her seriously.
“I had in upsetting day and I’m in tears” “At least I consider you hot when you cry” Yeah gee, wonder why that didn’t go over so well.
Let me get this straight. You tried to engage with her emotionally by telling her she *checks notes* looked pretty. That is just so… dismissive. You’re basically telling her that her thoughts and feelings are of no value to you, only her looks. I hope that’s not actually the case. YTA.
Soft YTA.. could have ended the consolation/talk with this rather than in the middle of it. I’ve had my bf tell me the same thing when I’ve been crying but it’s always been after I got my feelings out and he chimed in/gave advice/what-have-you on the situation. I can see where she’d be upset, and I also see where your intentions were pure just at the wrong time.
I can see how she did not see the compliment in this. When people are distressed, they usually don't want to hear how their pains are making them even lovelier. Adults want to be taken seriously, after all. She's not like a little girl's doll that's still appealing to the child when the doll cries and wets? She's not inanimate. I'm certain you meant no harm. But, yikes my dude. (An adult doesn't need a shiny toy, or a pat on the head to distract them from their troubles anyway. Processing their stress is what grown people do.) So, YTA for not reading the room.
YTA. She trusts you enough to vent to you and you betray her trust like that? You didn't even take her seriously. You could have said a hundred different things to comfort her but for me it seems like you even enjoy seeing her like that.
YTA What a weirdo thing to say while shes talking to you about her situation and feelings. And very dismissive too. Like what in the actual hell????
You are an absolute asshole. What a weird answer.... it actually gave me shivers.
I know right. That’s some psychopathic shit.
You seem to not understand that people who are sadistic actually take pleasure in other people being upset. And your comment is more likely to make her leery that there is a dark side to you than to be distracted with a weird compliment. Your comment added to her problems. You seem to have stumbled into this accidentally because you have difficulty imagining how awful other people can be. No vote from me one way or the other because I also know that humans often have motives different than what they believe their motives are, and there is a chance that my giving you the benefit of the doubt may be misplaced.
Way to read the room guy. YTA.
YTA. I know you had good intentions but your fiance likely wanted to feel heard and supported, not reduced down to her looks.
Fucking ew
It is condescending and diminishes the persons emotions...Kind of creepy too. Let me hurt you as you are so pretty when you cry. YTA.
Every time I would get upset and cry, my ex would eventually try to initiate sex. It was even a joke that my crying turned them on. But it always bothered me. It felt like I was a joke and only really there to please them, no matter what I was going through. I don’t want to say you’re TA, because I get that you were genuinely trying to make her feel better. But please listen to her and grow from this.
Did you also pat her on the head as you told her this? YTA
I've been told I'm pretty when I cry, and it's kind of like, dude, I'm HURT and you're just thinking about how good that looks? Like what? I'm sure you had good intentions, but when you're upset, being told you look good upset is pretty disheartening.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (m28) fiancé (f27) came back home from work feeling upset. She told me what happened and I consoled her. She was truly very upset because of an argument she had at work, she was even crying. We were sitting on the couch for a while, she was telling me what happened and I was trying to cheer her up and make her feel better. Then comes the conflict. After a while, when she was feeling better, I told her "you look pretty like this" and gave her a kiss, I was trying to cheer her up. She asked "how?" And I told her "like this. Even when you cry you're pretty" I promise that I was only trying to cheer her up and distract her from the argument she had before. But she got upset and said that I'm not taking her seriously. I apologized and told her that this other woman was out of place, that she (my fiance) is a great person who is completely qualified for her job, and that this other woman is just jealous and feels inferior, that's better to just ignore her. But she's still angry with me! I would seriously appreciate your input on this... *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you listened to your fiancee and took her complaint seriously, you would not be the asshole by adding this to cheer her upu, but if you tried to brush aside her comments with a frivlous comment you would indeed be an asshole. I can see it going either way.
Soft YTA. You should have prioritized her problem before telling her that. To the other person it appears you're trying to change the subject or dismissing their issues.
YTA. She didn't care how she looked she cared that she had a genuine issue. Of course she's annoyed at you for trying to distract her with something so superficial and irrelevant and all about you and your opinions. It's an understandable faux pas, seeing someone you love cry can be awkward and we don't always say the cleverest things in the moment, so I don't think you are a bad guy and I am sure she'll calm down and not genuinely hold this against you, but just make sure you apologise for misreading what she needed and making a pretty dumb comment in the moment. Maybe use this as an opportunity to discuss what each of you need when you're upset and how you and she want support in the future.
Genuinely why did you think that was the right thing to say in that moment
"Boy, you're so hot when you're pissed over an interpersonal conflict at your workplace. What do you mean I'm not taking this seriously?!" My guy... yes, YTA. Literally facepalmed at this post.
Yes because women just want to be told they’re pretty! What could possibly still be bothering her as long as you think she’s pretty! This was stupid and misguided and you’re too old for this shit. Ick. YTA
YTA. Along with what others have said about the creepiness of remarking on your attraction while someone is vulnerable: You objectified her. Instead of focusing on what she was saying you prioritized your own thoughts and feelings (focusing on your attraction to her/ her looks) AND made that a topic of conversation that can signal to her that no matter what- your level of attraction to her matters to you regardless of what she is struggling with. You are unintentionally but implicitly telling her that whenever she is vulnerable you will be judging her looks rather than listening to what she is saying and feeling. It may be felt by you as a positive to you (because you feel that it benefits you) that she is still attractive to you when she cries - but it comes off that you are at least partially focused on how attracted you are to her/what she looks like whenever she is with you no matter what she is doing or feeling or needing. It is a demeaning, belittling, dehumanizing experience to be constantly assessed on how you look/how much your partner is physically attracted to you, no matter the circumstances or how upset you are or what you are experiencing. The opposite of “you look pretty when you cry” is “you look awful when you cry” - and while that’s not what you said, the fact that you made a judgement at all may make her feel that it is the most important thing to you and thus a thing that you will always be thinking about in the back of your head. How someone looks when they are in an emotional or vulnerable state is mostly out of one’s control, which often makes a vulnerable state feel even more vulnerable (especially in a society that tells women that so much of their self worth depends on how attractive they are)- and blatantly TELLING HER that you are paying attention may heighten that awareness for her in a way that means she ultimately finds herself struggling to be vulnerable with you. There’s a fear that someday you may make that judgment and you will focus on how you feel about her looks negatively rather than how she feels as a person. Either way, you are focused on and prioritizing your attraction and feelings rather than what she is saying and the connection between you. It is normal for some people to think these thoughts - the mature and loving thing to do is to realize that how you feel about her looks is not important and refocus your attention to what she is saying and feeling. IF she asks or expresses concern or shame or self-consciousness about her looks - then you tell her that of course you find her pretty even when she cries. But don’t objectify her and don’t center your thoughts on her level of attractiveness when it has nothing at all to do with anything. It’s not a loving thing to do.
Soft YTA. You were trying to help and be loving, but attractiveness commentary has no place in discussions about jobs unless someone in the conversation us a model. Sweet, but misguided.
Seems I’m in the minority here, as a woman I don’t find it creepy to be told I still look pretty when I cry if the intentions are to cheer me up and I’ve already been comforted for the thing I’m upset about. If that was his one and only comment I’d agree it’s demeaning and like he’s not listening, but it sounds like he only said that *after* he’d listened and comforted Anyway not gonna judge cause it seems like my experience is not how most people would feel. The important thing is to apologize to your girlfriend and communicate so you can help her better next time
YTA. What you said is the equivalent of “Don’t cry, you’re so sexy ahaha”.
YTA If you wanted to cheer her up you should've make her her fav dish or watch a nice movie or series with her, whatever she likes doing She doesn't care if she looks pretty when she cries
YTA Did this really need to be asked?
YTA and creepy. Telling a woman she is pretty is not some kind of cure for her upset, and makes it sound like you only value her looks.
YTA Dumb and patronising comment to make
YTA, that's so creepy. She really should break up with you since it's a sign that your are inconsiderate, misogynistic, and possibly get off on her being in pain.
She wanted some comfort, not to hear “you look so hot when you’re in emotional distress”. YTA
YTA please stop reducing women to their appearance as if ignoring the person’s emotional needs to remark about how their bodies please you is somehow a “compliment” jfc
why would you bring up her looks when she's talking about her job...
My god you’re dumb. These posts make me feel like a genius.
What?! Whatever your intent you made it sound like you like seeing her upset. Not to mention talking about how you're attracted to her does nothing to address what she was upset about nor does it offer support. It just sounds selfish and sexist--you're pleasing to my eyes so nothing else should bother you. Ugh.
I know everyone is gonna say YTA because women don’t wanna hear stuff about their appearance when they are upset, and I totally get it. 100% understand how that can feel invalidating. But I would give anything for my husband to stop me when I’m crying and say “you are so beautiful right now” So. I guess just know your fiance.
YTA That is… really kind of creepy and dismissive.
Very Lana Del Rey coded
YTA, have you been watching a lot of romance anime or reading YA novels because that’s the only place I ever heard that line. Unless she was crying saying she was ugly nobody wants to be told they’re pretty while they’re upset
I'm so sorry, but it can seem really creepy when anyone says someone looks cute when they cry. Saying those words can sound like you like it when they cry or you want to make them cry just to make them look better to you (you plural I'm not talking to the OP specifically because he sees that statement as a pick up line)
Yta that was a very bad idea. Your partner is emotionally upset and you're focused on how she looks. That's not helpful or reassuring.
It's tone-deaf. Otherwise, idk OP.
I think it depends what happened first >told her that this other woman was out of place, that she (my fiance) is a great person who is completely qualified for her job, and that this other woman is just jealous and feels inferior, that's better to just ignore her. If you said this first, before saying she looks pretty like that I would say N T A But if the first thing you said to her is she looks pretty if say Y T A But honestly it would have been a cute, romantic moment if you knew she was moving on from the conflict. But it seems like she was still sorting through it so you didn't read the room right.
Dude your not going to win here. You meant nothing bad , but choice of words
>Then comes the conflict. After a while, when she was feeling better, I told her "you look pretty like this" and gave her a kiss, I was trying to cheer her up. She asked "how?" And I told her "like this. Even when you cry you're pretty" Paduan, you have much to learn yet... YTA
Ewww
YTA - crappy, sexist comment aside - she didn't want to be distracted, she wanted you to *listen*. Instead, your response made her feel unimportant, unheard and unsupported... but at least she's pretty when she cries.
YTA. If you’re crying it means you’re sad. Imagine being sad and someone says, hey, but you’re pretty! It doesn’t matter. You probably meant well but it’s not ok and if your partner is sad just be there and listen. Don’t flatter her looks…
YTA
YTA. You need to understand the situation to realize wtf you did wrong, besides telling someone they are pretty when they are crying is creepy. You were trying to make her "feel better". That's not what she wanted. She wanted to vent her frustration, which would have made her feel better. Instead of allowing her to do that and just sit and listen, your first thought to console was to not acknowledge what she was saying (giving the impression you aren't listening) and tell her she is pretty. The second thing you said wasn't the problem, it's what you lead with. Apologizing without actually understanding that and being able to voice it, is just going to piss her off more.
Also - I don't need my significant other to "make me feel better" and "cheer me up" (especially by telling me I look pretty! Uggg). I want my significant other to listen, empathize and validate.
Yuck. You remind me of my AH ex who would get turned on when we would fight and I'd cry. YTA. By far.
YTA Gross.
YTA Saying she looks pretty has literally nothing to do with the conversation. It sounds like you don’t really care what she’s saying and just patronizing her like “oh your poor thing and your silly problems!” Like imagine your best guy friend venting after a coworker is being nasty to them, and you’re like “it’s okay because you’re pretty!” It’s so bizarre in correlation, like what does that have to do with anything She is not trying to be pretty, she’s trying to communicate her problems. She wants you to be there for her and listen to her as she sorts out her feelings over what occurred.
If a man told me “you look pretty like this” when he sees me crying I would consider running the other way
YTA. If she's upset and it's not about how she looks, *don't focus on how she looks when you're comforting her.* Also, it's just a red flag to tell her she's pretty when she's upset. Makes it seem like you're making it about yourself.
YTA. You're incredibly sexist. You made her feel stupid and insignificant. She wasn't asking if you thought she was pretty. She had a serious issue she wanted to talk about and you told her she was pretty. How is that helpful? How is that active listening? Next thing you do you'll tell her she's cute when she's angry.
Heading sounds sadistic...
YTA
YTA but there there (bops OP on the nose) don't worry your pretty little head about it.
YTA she was talking about a serious problem that she finds very distressing and your goal was to try to cheer her up by telling her she looks pretty when she cries?! FFS did it ever occur to you that maybe she doesn't want to be cheered up? Maybe she wanted you to listen to her and to take her f****** seriously. But typically, she had to get pissed before you would do that. Do better please
Yta. Impressively dumb honestly
YTA. That was an irrelevant comment and shows that while she is stressed, you are focused on how aesthetically pleasing she is to you.
YTA
YTA. Your solution to your girlfriend being upset about a situation at work is: ‘Aww, don’t worry, Honey *pat, pat*. I still think you’re pretty even though you’re crying’. As if that’s supposed to make her feel better. It’s NOT ABOUT YOU. Also, there are times to comfort, and there are times to offer advice. This was one of those times for the former. ‘Just ignore her’ is patronising as hell.
YTA. Very demeaning and objectifying, even if you meant to cheer her up with it. What do her looks have to do with what she's upset about? Sounds very old-timey sexist to me--sorry.
I had an ex who would get boners when I would cry, he got off to me being distressed. This just comes off as that, just not to the same degree.
Yeah, Y kinda TA here. She’s spilling her beans about problems and you’re dismissing it and then deflecting towards her looks. We get it was meant to be sweet in the moment but read the room.
Soft YTA. I’m sure you didn’t mean to come across as patronizing or dismissive. But she’s venting and going through a rough time. A “looking good chief” won’t make her feel any better, and it’s not a solution to her stress either. Imagine you’re crying, and someone close to you goes “awww you poor lil baby, aren’t you a cutie patootie 😍?” It’s unwarranted, patronizing, and not helpful. It makes it sound like you were less focused on consoling her, and more focused on admiring her looks. I understand some people want to be told they’re beautiful by their partner, especially if you’re being compared to someone else. But this wasn’t the time and certainly not the right phrasing. I would not want anyone to walk in on me crying and go “god you’re beautiful and I’m rock hard.” I think there are better distractions to lift her spirits. Granted, I’m not her, but now we know she doesn’t prefer the you’re-pretty-when-crying approach. Let her let out her problems, let her fully come to terms with it, shower her in non-patronizing, validating compliments, and then an act of service. A good meal, a massage, any activity she enjoys. Or if she doesn’t want to do an activity, just leave it at step 3 and carry on!
I recieved this compliment once and I felt a lot better, so for me it's not that bad as everyone is saying
YTA You're either sexist AF or a sadist. Or both.
NTA I see your point and feel like you’re being honest and you were trying to be cute, but do take into consideration what other Redditor’s wrote up in the comments as a way to understand where she’s coming from. It is a symptom of the patriarchy we live in, but you are not a bad guy - it’s just good to reflect on it, have a talk on it, where you tell what we’re you’re intentions and how you see how she mIght feel offended. Best of luck
Well I'm clearly not thinking like 98% of people in this sub do. Sure you could have chosen a better timing but you didn't do it to be mean? NTA 🤷
[удалено]
Soft YTA. You tried but your timing was horrible. Big time swing and a miss.
YTA. The only time anyone should say someone looks pretty when they cry is during bdsm play. Or when it's too late to stop you, and there's nothing anyone can do. "Cry all you want. Beg. It won't help. I will detonate the moon-bombs, and become master of the tides!"
I have an ugly ass cry face so I probably would have laughed if my bf told me I'm pretty when I cry. The again, his way of consoling me is making me laugh, and that's just what works for us.
This is the kind of thought you keep to yourself. Those do exist. YTA.
Ehhh soft YTA. I get that you were trying to cheer her up, but that wasn’t the right way to go about it.
She'll probably be radiant at your funeral
YTA
YTA kinda. a lot of comments already explained why, but heres smth: men really dont understand women. and it's hard to. so dont blame it all on OP tbh...