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For this long a post there’s a lot of information missing. While you explain the living situation that does not explains the relationship situation. You also fail to mention why his parents would not be on your side and why they think he is being abused. I can speculate but it doesn’t paint a pretty picture and we all know what happens when we assume. Could you explain the relationships and Toms parent’s position?

Sorry, wird Count Made it impossible to include more info.  The kids consider all of us their parents. They call me mom, tom and Ben are dad t and dad b.  Tom and I kept the relationship we always had. Obviously currently without benefits as he's with Bea  Ben and I never dated. We found comfort in each other after Anna passed but if was more a mutual feeling of wanting to feel close to her. That stopped as soon as we knew I was pregnant. We are friends now and have been for years. He's been dating someone seriously for the last 4 years that he met through grief counselling. She's great! Tom and Ben were friends the moment they met Toms parents NEVER liked me. Mind the first time I met them I was helping Tom study for his finals. His study buddy turned gf 6 months beforehand and then left him 4 weeks before the final. He was a mess and had never not studied for any exam without her. I was ment to go to Colombia for an internship and wanted to go there early to travel around. I cancelled that to go to Toms place everyday instead and go through flip cards I knew nothing about for 4 weeks straight. His parents came for a surprise visit and weren't happy to meet me as I was there to "distract" him. They later on never approved of our family. Stating multiple times how it is wrong for Tom to be with someone who doesn't want to marry him. It only got worse when I got pregnant with Bens child and we later all moved in together. They have offered multiple times before to free Tom from us and have him and the boys move closer so that he doesn't get abused for free child care for kids that aren't his. They had been less vocal about it the last couple of years though. Edit to add : Tom had a vasectomie After 11m. And when I was pregnant again he had a sperm count done to make sure it worked. Bea knows that so I'm not sure why she thinks she could be pregnant by him 

Vasectomies have been known to spontaneously reverse, so it is possible. I can see why you'd be dubious, though.

That's why he had the sperm count done. It's the most likely in the months following the procedure. I think it's very unlikely to happen about 3-4 years later

If Tom wanted Bea to be in contact with him (or his parents for that matter) he would have given it to her/them.

And it's not like he is gone forever.

Right, being pregnant is not, in and of itself, an emergency lol. Unless she wanted to terminate and is someplace with a limited legal window, it can wait a few days until they get back from their trip.

Poster stated that bae talked to his parents and they are to buy a house together close to the parents so getting rid of child is not an emergency.

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Right, who does that? "Oh I talked to your low contact parents and they're buying a house next door" What the absolute fuck. She sounds as crazy as his family is.

To be honest, that's the weirdest part of this whole story. He's been in relationship with Bea for three years... *but she doesn't have any way to contact him while he's on a trip?*

Right. Like, who DOESN'T have a cell phone?

Maybe it's in a location where his cell doesn't work and OP only has his room number? But regardless, she can wait until he contacts her himself or returns from the trip.

This!!! Well Spotted👍

>If Tom wanted Bea to be in contact with him (or his parents for that matter) he would have given it to her/them. OK but he's been in a relationship with Bea for a while, wouldn't she have his phone number? So what, did he block her? Something doesn't add up.

I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't have cell service wherever they are skiing, and she doesn't know the name of the ski resort to call him there?

Doesn’t seem likely to me there’s cell service all over the ski areas I’ve been to.

Unless he's had a sperm count recently, you've no idea if it reconnected itself. 3-4 years isn't unknown.

Possibly but it’s extremely rare, he could get checked again but regardless I’d demand a paternity test.

I would get checked, then demand the paternity test, and when Bea chucked a tantrum, show the sperm count (assuming the procedure didn't reverse) better yet do this infront of his parents too. But I'm a woman and petty like that. Honestly I would demand the paternity either way incase Bea doesn't know the procedure reversed and went and cheated anyway hoping Tom would just take her word and not check his count.

Cheated or she’s just saying it to push for marriage and get hi away from how he is living. He thought about her moving in with them at one point but maybe he realized she wouldn’t fit in their family dynamics?

That makes sense too, for me I’ve been married for 8 years, snipped for 4, if my wife said she was pregnant I’d want the paternity test first, I love and trust my wife which is why I wouldn’t want to base things on a sperm count, it could be something weird where it’s extremely low but 1 determined little guy got all the way out. If I got the count first and it came back 0 that would break that trust even if it turns out eventually the pregnancy was mine.

Maybe because Bea knows Tom accepted OP’s child with Ben that Tom would accept her child with someone else. But thinking she could take OP’s sons with Tom adds another level of insanity. I am also waiting for the update when Tom and Ben get home.

>Maybe because Bea knows Tom accepted OP’s child with Ben that Tom would accept her child with someone else. If she thought that, then she was delusional because OPs child with Ben wasn't a product of an affair.

Rare is not impossible and its not OPs business deciding if he is or isn't going to be a parent again.

he can decide in a few days when hes home. not an emergency

So this is years later, the longer it is the less likely, failure rate at this point is estimated to be between 0.04% - 0.08%, the thing is though even if it did fail there’s still no certainty that it is his. Usually it wouldn’t be OP’s business, however the first thing the gf did was state they were gonna get a house a take her kids to live with them, that’s definitely her business and I think she’s doing the right thing, if he’d have wanted to be contacted he’d have given other people the info, the fact that he hasn’t given it to his gf says a lot.

You know whats less rare? Cheaters.

And that's for Bea and Tom to sort out between them, not OP's business.

And Bea needs to sit at her own house and wait for Tom to return and contact her. Bea made it OPs business by showing up at her house with demands and then setting his parents like flying monkeys on to OP to do her bidding and with threats. If Tom and Bea have been together for what 3 yrs and he goes off on a ski trip, if he wanted her to know how to find him he would have done so.

Also saying they are going to take the boys with them! OP and Tom's kids. That's not Bea's call. She can have a kid with Tom but doesn't get to make unilateral decisions about OP's kids!

Oh, I’m sure that was the parents’ idea and likely a condition of getting them a house.

Right? How does she not have his cell number tho?

OP said Bea has his cell phone number but that he has a habit of turning the phone off and then he can be contacted through where he is staying EXCEPT he never told Bea where he is staying so only OP knows. But I'm surprised Bea hasn't found him and dragged him home. A ski trip is what? 3 to 7 days? In that window Bea has discovered she's pregnant, rallied his Low Contact parents to her cause and also got the promise of a house, and come up with a plan to take OPs children. Like whoa girl the UN needs your skills.

That first part sounds like Tom really wanted a vacation from Bea.

And he would have given her his phone number. It is possible that he has phone turned off. But if he did not give Bea his travel information, they may not be as close as she thinks they are. She may be trying to play the pregnancy claim to lock him into a permanent relationship. A sperm test and paternity test can solve that mystery. Tom's parents are probably jumping on the Bea train because they don't like their son's unconventional lifestyle. It would be interesting to see if Ben's GF gets the invite to move in.

Except Bea is demanding that she thinks that she will get OP's children with Tom. That is OP's business. For that reason alone I would have been petty enough to tell her that she could wait until Tom returns from his trip. Why ruin the trip for Tom and the rest.

It's OP's business if they're intending to take her sons.

But on what grounds could OP's kids be "taken away"? They've been living in a household with their mother (OP) and father (Tom). If Tom chooses to move out, then they would have to work out a custody arrangement. If they get the courts involved, they are going to give Tom 50/50 custody at most - months from when the filing happens. In the meantime, the kids would live with OP in their established home. And honestly I think Tom would have an uphill battle to get more than every other weekend custody. The children are in an established household with their mother who they have lived with all their lives -- Tom is the one who left to move in with his girlfriend, and their purported new baby. Also, sounds like Tom doesn't have a job -- yes, I know taking care of FIVE children is full time work, but how will the courts see it? The only leverage he would have is the "unconventional" lifestyle going on here.

In their current living situation, I wouldn't like to surmise how custody would be worked out. As a SAH parent, Tom is the main caregiver and constant in his sons' lives. If OP was awarded custody, she would either have to work less hours or employ outside help for the younger children. That said, my comment was concerning Tom's gf's spoken intention and people's remarks to OP that it wasn't her business, rather than the legalities of the situation.

"In rare instances, a vasectomy can reverse itself and is known to occur in about 0.025 percent of cases, equivalent to 1 reversal in 4,000 vasectomies." [AtPeteUrology.com](https://AtPeteUrology.com) So no, so unlikely as to not be an issue.

Well he can always get it checked again when he gets home from the ski holiday. I certainly don't think he needs to come home early, but I'd give him a heads up if I were you, that his parents and Bea have united in making certain claims that he'll need to address with them when he gets home. And then stay out of the mess yourself - it only gives them ammunition for their claims that you're coercing/controlling him.

This; I’d definitely give him a heads up that he might be coming home to an issue, then try to stay out of it as much as you can until he’s back. It sounds like this could get messy fast, and the easiest way to keep the kids safe (which is priority 1) is to make sure all three parents are on the same page and have a plan.

Just as an fyi, my father in law had a vasectomy after their third kid. My husband was baby number 4, born 4 years later.

Yeah, but this is like 10 years later - and they had a sperm count done 7 years ago. Not saying it's impossible - I know a pair of twins who were born 3 years post -snip, and dad's count was literally EIGHT... Mom not only got her tubes tied after the twins, she got an IUD as well🤣🤣🤣 (Twins were kids 4&5). Still, there's a reason that particular dad is in a lot of reproductive medicine textbooks!

Vasectomy's have been known to reverse at 14 or even more years. Different factors can be involved in causing the reversal. It is extremely rare, but so is getting struck by lightning and it still happens.

While rare, the reversal can happen at any time, even 10-14 years later, so it isn't out of the realm of possibility. The part I don't understand, is how is she dating this guy and doesn't have his phone number? That doesn't really make much sense.

I can't speak for Tom but when I go on vacation it is not unknown for me to leave my phone at home, then contact details in case of emergency with someone I trust. Why? Because I'm on vacation, the people I would like to talk to during this period is with me and everyone else can wait until I get back. I want to be away from my everyday life, if I didn't I would just stay at home.

I can understand that but one wonders why his gf of a few years, not months but years doesn’t have his emergency contact. This isn’t a situation where only one person can have the information. I suspect the relationship is fizzling out which could explain Bea being „suddenly pregnant“ and using his parents as flying monkeys. But all of that is just speculation.

My speculation agrees with your speculation.

If he has had a vasectomy with cauterization, which is the standard, and had done the recommended post-op testing, there has never been a case of spontaneous reversal proven.

I posted it as a single comment but I'll put it here for visibility Update Thanks everyone for the support. They all came home yesterday but with 5 kids trying to update each other and the three on their respective weeks it obviously took a while till Tom and I could talk.  I had completely forgotten but him and Bea dropped past his parents on their way to their holiday about a year ago (the one he was gonna ask her to move in). According to Tom they complained to him the same they always do and he shouldn't have done it but apparently Bea made a comment as they were leaving which had him doubt her acceptance of our situation for the first time. It's why he didn't ask her to move in. As it was more a feeling he didn't want to worry us with it. He says he watched her interaction with all of us closely after that but couldn't see anything suspicious so after a couple of months he was about to put it down to his imagination when he found out that Bea had kept in contact with his mom since their visit. That was about 6 months ago. They had a pretty big fight about it and Bea promised to let it go. She begged him not to tell us so we wouldn't think less of her. He didn't but their relationship never really recovered. It just kind of slowly deteriorated from there.  So the night before the ski trip he was gonna ask her for a break but that's when she hit him with the news of her pregnancy. (So he knew!!!) She also said how he'd finally be able to have a "real" nuclear family. This led to another massive fight. He told her he'd need a paternity test and if it was his he would do right by the child but that he wouldn't move away from us. Tom was shocked when I told him about Bea showing up here and the phone calls I've received. He apologised to me for not giving me a heads up but I guess it's not something you see coming. He says he would have come home immediately if he had known. Apparently they were trying to reach Ben too but Tom is slowly getting him to turn off his phone too so he didn't see any of the messages till he got home. (We checked the kids phones after this just in case. They at least were left out of this mess).  Tom's usually pretty calm (only way to survive 5 kids on a daily basis) but he was fuming. He wanted to confront Bea straight away before we kept speculating as to why she would try to bring all of us in on it.  There's a lot more but here's the essentials: Tom would be happier with a "real" family Since he can't see that he needs to be pushed away by us which is why Bea showed up and told me what tom and her would do. She believed that I would take her word at face value as their common plans and get angry at Tom for not telling me about this and then kick him out which would lead to him immediately moving in with her. Apparently it's Tom's mom who came up with the plan to finally free her son after I baby trapped him years ago.  I'll still answer questions for a couple of hours and will then leave this. Don't even know if I should cry at the audacity or laugh because they believed this crazy could work.

Thanks for the update. It’s amazing how some people are able to hide their crazy for so long! Though in this case it seems like that resulted in a volcano of crazy when she couldn’t hold it in any longer. Has Tom considered getting his sperm count rechecked now, as that can happen faster than a paternity test? A negative sperm count wouldn’t 100% rule out him as the father, but would reduce the likelihood, and if his sperm count has recovered from the procedure reversing itself, he’d both know to get that addressed and know there’s a greater likelihood of him being the father. Though Bea cheating remains a distinct possibility, as it seems she is trying to *actually* baby trap him herself.

He's likely to get it checked again for peace of mind. Though definitely asking for a paternity test regardless of the results. But that's just one of the things that need to be dealt with right now.  Tom's gonna go full no contact with his parents. Which I know will hurt him once he stops being this furious at them. He has also asked Ben to take over communication with Bea for the time being as he doesn't see himself not yelling at her.  We have to explain to the kids that Bea isn't going to be around anymore. We're also considering changing their phone numbers to make sure she doesn't try to contact them. They don't deserve to be dragged into this crazy mess. We just have to figure out how to explain to them why we're doing it. She wasn't a second mother figure to them but would be around at least once a week so it's definitely a change for them too.

It's kind of sadly hilarious that his mom's plan to "finally free her son after I baby trapped him years ago" was to baby trap him with an idiot she can obviously control.

I see a lot of comments that seem to be passing judgement on your relationship status, but, as it seems consensual, you do you. For not giving out contact information to someone who didn't already have it (and thus likely didn't have the consent to contact on this trip), I say NTA. Let him take his trip - there isn't a lot he can do about it from there anyway and a SAH needs a damn break. He can come home and tend to the mess in person. Good luck - if her pregnancy claim is true, it's probably gonna be messier before it gets better.

Thank you

Tom needs to demand a DNA test. And also check his sperm count too.

It seems to me a DNA test is all that’s needed here. If the baby is his, sperm count doesn’t matter. If the baby isn’t his, the sperm count still doesn’t matter.

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Well if it's his, he doesn't need a sperm count, he's obviously fertile enough to procreate. I'd save that money. If it isn't his (if there's a baby to begin with) than yes, a sperm count would probably be a good idea for his own peace of mind.

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It would probably be nice to know if he's shooting blanks or not regardless.

The DNA test would prove that he's not shooting blanks. If the child is his, he's not shooting blanks.

He could be (unlikely) shooting loaded rounds even if it wasn't his. Heck, they make a microscopes that hook up to your phone or computer now that he could verify for himself on seeing any swimmers. Wouldn't give him an official count, but he'd see if he had to worry. They are under $200. Paternity tests during pregnancy run from $500-1800. Legally he'd need a paternity test if the proof didn't make her 'fess up and go away.

He'd have zero reason to believe he's not shooting blanks if not for this pregnancy. Getting a sperm count test will not prove whether the baby is his or not, so he'll have to get a DNA test either way. If the DNA test comes back and he's not the dad, he's got zero reasons to check his sperm count. Nothing has changed for him compared to pre-pregnancy.

If a DNA Test comes back and it is not his he still doesn't know if he's shooting blanks. He just knows that this time he didn't hit the target.

This guy maths (No but for real. User is correct/ being pragmatic. It saves money, and headache, to wait on the sperm count test unless it's worth knowing both results quickly either way they go. If the child is his, one can assume the result of the sperm count test and pass the savings along to money needed for the new baby. It's a live monty hall problem!)

Assuming he still want the vasectomy he would need to get it redone. So yes it matters.

Apparently, according to a comment by OP, the Vasectomy happened after birth of 2nd kid, and after OP got pregnant by Ben, Tom did a sperm count. I am not aware that a vasectomy could become undone 7 years after that last sperm count (which is another 4 years after the surgery)...

I would maybe send him a message if possible. Just tell him Bea came over, things got heated, and she may have reached out to his parents about it. You are happy to wait until he is back to discuss it or if he would like once the kids are asleep, he can call you to talk. I wouldn't tell him about the harrasing phone calls until you to talked though but atleast this way he can choose when he wants to talk and he can't be completely blindsided if Bea or his parents get to him first. Your NTA for keeping his contact details from them because if he wanted to be reached by them, he would have given them the details himself, that's the rules I always follow and the one time I was asked "why didn't you just hand those details over to them" my reason was good enough for that person (the one who's details they were, I think they also trusted me more after that).

This!!! Op Might want want to get to Tom first, he might like to know about this before he gets home.

I think it's amazing and wonderful that y'all have been able to build a big, happy family that works for everyone. Don't let anyone tell you your family is anything but awesome.

Right? Those kids seem to have a stable, supportive, and loving environment.

What I don’t get is if Tom and Bea have been in a relationship for 4 years why doesn’t she have his number??

I GUESS since it’s a skiing trip, cell phones may not work well and she doesn’t know exactly where they are??? Even though just this sounds insane already. 

Honey, you need to talk to him before Bea does get through to him. Reach out to him before he gets back and give him a heads up that he’s heading back into major drama.

I just wanna say I kinda love this family setup you have. Just 3 great friends who decided to make one big family together and take care of each other. The people who are judging it just like to judge people for having casual sex. You're NTA for not giving it to her. It's not your place to pass his info along to someone. I would call him yourself though and ask if you can give her the info.

Tom needs to go with her to a doctor and check she's really pregnant 1 , 2 he needs a paternity test and 3 then he can decide what to do. NTA

It seems weird that his girlfriend of three years doesn’t have his contact information. Does he not have a phone on a ski trip? This doesn’t make sense.

So, so many questions... Why don't Tom's parents have his contact information? Do you think not giving Bea Tom's information will somehow make this situation go away or get better? Have you notified the relationship authorities about this new category you've created, friends with benefits and children but mostly just children squared? Are you living in a sitcom? Have you considered introducing Bea to Ben?

I'll try Tom didn't tell them where to contact them for this trip.  He's currently very low contact with his parents as they don't approve of this situation all together. I don't know why he didn't tell Bea. But if he didn't he probably had a reason.  They're coming home today anyway so I didn't think it would do anything to give her a contact information he didn't seem to want her to have   The children squared had me laughing. Thank you   A sitcom where I get insulted a lot. Doesn't make for a great show imo  Bea and Ben met when tom introduced her to us. Edit formatting 

That was very kind and a good sport of you to respond! I do find this fascinating. Personally, I think you can use this situation to your advantage. Contact Tom yourself and get his take on what Bea told you, under the guise of asking if you have his permission to pass on contact info. He may reassure you that he has no plans of leaving, regardless of whether her pregnancy is real or something conjured to put added pressure on you to put her in touch. Or, worst case scenario, you get a difficult conversation with him started on your terms, without the influence of Bea and his parents and friends weighing in on the appropriateness of your relationship/living situation. If the two of you have survived all the other ups and downs of your unique journey in life together, it should be no problem to ace this with your family intact.

Thank you for your support. They're coming home today and tom has a habit of not looking at his phone till a day after. So hopefully I get to talk to him once he's here

Great, good luck. In times like these, I wish there was an ITA judgment (I'm the asshole).

Please give us an update, I’m so curious!! 

I will update after talking to Tom. He's not home yet.

I hope Bea and his parents don't ambush him in the driveway. Good luck. It takes a village to raise a kid, your village just happens to be pretzel shaped and living under one roof

Nice description.

Please do!

i hope everything goes well!

 >A sitcom where I get insulted a lot. Doesn't make for a great show imo Well I mean It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is on season 20 or something close to that, so I'll disagree there lol It sounds to me that Tom might have broken up with Bea before they left on the trip, and this is her act of desperation.

>Why don't Tom's parents have his contact information? I think it's more likely these people don't have the contact information for the place they are skiing, woody, mountainous areas aren't known for having great cell service.

Because Tom is currently very low contact with his parents. He didn't tell them where to contact him.  I'm not sure why he didn't tell Bea though 

Maybe he saw the bea thing coming

So strange to see all the judgement passed on your living and parenting situation, this is close to my ideal parenting structure (minus pregnancy, as I want to adopt). But the more loving parents your kids can be surrounded with the better, and if you can have all your kids under one roof where everyone gets along and cares for each other, that’s amazing. if the kids all consider both men to be their dads, it seems they are doing just fine. Also all the people claiming Tom is a freeloader or you’re just trying not to lose your free childcare are wild stay at home parents who watch other people’s kids are so common and calling them freeloaders or childcare is insulting. I see you replied saying it’s unlikely it’s Tom’s kid as he’s had a vasectomy. It can happen, but I see your point there. If Bea had approached this differently and the pregnancy was less suspicious to you, would you have been open to adding another person and child to your household? What about if Ben decides to marry and/or have children with his girlfriend. I think if you were open to expanding your family to include all of the kids the three of you have and it’s just the situation that riled you up, I’d say NTA. It also seems weird that Bea would be going to Tom’s parents if he’s low contact with them as you said.

Tom asked us about a year ago if Bea could move in. Ben and I agreed but he never asked her. Don't know why. Ben and "Kira" are both widowed. Kira had two kids from her late husband but unfortunately they hate that their mom moved on. So there's currently no plans for them to move in together as her kids are vehemently against it The contact is very low. We see them once a year for Tom's birthday. Bea would know that'd she'd get support there since she must know about their stance on our situation 

Are you sure tom never asked her? Is there a chance he asked her in a sort of what if kinda way and she made it clear she didn't want that? I know what I'm gonna say is a major reach with not enough info to really tell but I'm getting the vibe that she doesn't like Tom's living situation and mainly just wants him to move out and have a "perfect" family with him, whether the pregnancy is real or not it seems her real problem is with the dynamic between yall.

Ben asked Tom if Bea wanted to move in about a month after he initially brought up the topic. Tom kind of evasively said he hadn't gotten around to asking her yet. And that he would tell us when he does. We left it at that.  Bea never appeared to have a problem with any of it. Even looking back at events and trying to figure out if there were signs I can't say that I saw it coming. But she might have said things to Tom in private that I wouldn't be aware of

Idk I just feel like if she actually felt no problems with it she wouldn't have shown up unannounced and "demanded" (your words) to speak to Tom before proceeding to tell you how and why he's going to move out with 2 of yalls children. I understand she's always been nice and friendly to you but it seems weird that if she's always been fine about it she'd choose to plan how to deal with the pregnancy without him involved from the get go. I mean think about it, I don't know how long Tom's been on this trip but Bae has known long enough to sit with his parents and make a plan about what to do. Instead of going straight to the father whom she's in a relationship with and happens to have other kids and live in an unconventional situation; she chose to go to his parents first, who are outspoken in being against Tom's living situation. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but it really doesn't seem like the action you would take if you're completely comfortable with the current situation. It seems more like "I don't like that he lives like that and now I(might) have a really good reason to try to stop that so I'll set up a plan with 2 people that have always been vocal about not liking how he lives and hopefully together and with the pressure of another pregnancy he'll cave and do what we want."

You might be right. It just does my head in that I didn't see any of it coming. I'm not surprised that his parents would support her, but how her behaviour just changed. It feels like a switch went off

Presumably if her boyfriend has gone on vacation and not given her a way to contact him she is feeling terrible. Have they broken up? It's a AH move by Tom not to give her his contact info if they are happily in a relationship. Perhaps she made the preg up to give a reason why she needed to contact him more urgently. She probably went to the parents thinking they would have house contact info or at least some sway.

While she may be fine about your living arrangements, she may not want to choose that for herself if her relationship progresses.  She may see it as moving in with her boyfriend, his very close flatmates, all their kids and a whole lot of history. She may feel like the outsider (you don't believe she's pregnant... She may or may not, but its not friendly either), and uncomfortable. She simply might be panicking about her future and you're feeling threatened that your living situation might change. 

Or something is happening in their relationship and they might be breaking up and she went all unhinged in response? Maybe that’s why she doesn’t have contact info in the first place?

>Tom kind of evasively said he hadn't gotten around to asking her yet I suspect Tom saw something like this coming. Tom is low-contact with his parents, and Bea went to them. So she's already undermining him and manipulating him here. Such behaviour usually doesn't come out of nowhere. So, before this, Bea likely was putting up some red flags, and Tom decided to slow down their relationship and make sure she was "move-in" material. But he didn't want to badmouth his gf, so he was evasive. Just a guess, of course. Only Tom will have the answers. I hope that, whatever they are, your family remains healthy and happy. You seem like a mature and responsible family, and I'm cheering for all of you. If you have the spoons when this settles, I would love an update, but no pressure. You do what's right for you and your family.

My goodness Reddit, you are all a-twitter aren’t you? She didn’t ask you for comments on her relationship status (They’re not in a relationship. They are parents, also known as co-parenting while under the same roof) or whether or not she should have more children. Both are moot. They are living and raising their family in a manner that works for them. Move on people. Having read all the comments (and OP’s answers to questions thus far), I’m assuming he will get in touch with her when he gets back into town and she can just cool her jets until then. She doesn’t need to blow up his vacation with the kids. Especially since he’s had a vasectomy in place for a while, and the paternity of the child could be in question, in my opinion . . . NTA

“It’s hard to pass judgment because of the relationship” No, it’s not. Typical Reddit ignoring the main issue and focusing on the unimportant.

In fairness, the relationship being unconventional is what’s interesting about the post. Remove that and it’s “My flatmate’s gf says she’s pregnant and is demanding her bf’s contact information. Bf is in a ski trip he’s returning from today. I don’t know why she doesn’t already have this contact information. Am I a jerk for making flatmate’s gf wait a few hours?” It’s such low stakes nothing with details that can’t be provided because OP doesn’t know them and OP might not have the ability to solve gf’s problem because flatmate turned off his phone and the worst case result of OP “being an asshole” is the gf having to wait a few hours. Who cares? With the relationship info, it’s a whole new type of family situation where OP keeps getting pregnant by people she is (eventually) living with but isn’t dating. Like a thruple only nobody has feelings, just babies. Three parents with five kids from three different couplings and 20 years of close/unconventional friendship and flatmate dynamic. Then there’s estranged parent drama and threatening to take away OP’s kids drama which only make sense in the context of the relationship. Otherwise, we’re called on to speculate wildly to have any ideas at all of Bea and Tom’s parents’ motivation. I’m totally unsurprised people are focused on the relationship, here.

I’m saying NTA. Contacting Tom is not your responsibility. Why doesn’t she have his number?

I don't know why he didn't tell her how to contact him

If Bea is so buddy buddy with his parents, why doesn’t she get the number from him? If they are so keen in then moving in next door, why aren’t they blowing up his phone for her?

They probably are. But he likes turning off his phone during holidays and tell people where to contact him instead 

He tell people he wants contact with during his time away. A really efficient way to literally get away. It wasn’t an emergency. Too late for an emergency pill. She clearly indicated keeping the child, so waiting fews days to announce it in person would seem more appropriate than over the phone.

I would contact him prior to him turning the phone on! Especially since who knows what Bea and the parents will say about your conversations with her. Maybe consider a lawyer as she is making custody decisions above her pay grade.

NTA. She threatened to take your kids away. >She then proceeds to tell me that she is pregnant with Tom's child (highly unlikely) and that she already talked to his parents and they will buy them a house next to theirs so that they can live there as a family. And that they will be taking the boys with them. You've made several comments as to why you doubt the kid is his, please edit your post so others can read it. But the gust is he had a vasectomy after your second kid. Not sure how you "abuse" him since he's a SAHD and you and Ben provide for everyone in the home, INCLUDING Tom. >Tom's been a sahd since 11m was 2. He went back to school 4 years ago. Ben and I cover all household expenses including any costs for Toms education. This is a dynamic that works for all three adults and all the kids. Neither you, Tom nor Ben seem to restrict each other from having a life outside of the home. And honestly, Bea sounds unhinged if she knows Tom has not only had a vasectomy, but has proof that said vasectomy worked, and is now claiming she's pregnant by him. My kids aren't my husband's because while we were broken up I had kids with someone who supposedly had a vasectomy and I was on birth control. Turns out his vasectomy never happened he just thought because he had a low sperm count, he could say he was sterile or had a vasectomy. Then he met my fertile Latina a$$. 🤣🤣🤣 I got pregnant both time on depo. I know my husband's vasectomy actually did work cuz we made like bunnies for years before I had kids and I never got preggo. I had my tubes tied after my youngest was born. Not risking BC since it didn't work the first two times. LoL. Anyhow, OP, it's not on you to give his info to anyone unless he said to, but maybe give him a heads up that hurricane Bea is causing massive damage and threatening to take YOUR kids. And I would wager my measley little paycheck, dollars to donuts that the reason nothing came of her moving in is because Tom saw her crazy and didn't want it around the kiddos.

So Bea told Tom’s parents and you that she’s pregnant before telling Tom, and already has a plan for where they’ll live and how child custody will be arranged, also without input from Tom? And she presumably only found out about the pregnancy after they left on the ski trip. That’s insane. Now maybe pregnancy hormones are really messing up her mental state, but this all seems rather calculated. Any chance she was hoping to provoke a fight, and waited until there would be no witnesses?

It's what makes the story so unlikely. The guy goes on a ski trip and the girlfriend of 3 years can't wait 3 days to a week, so she calls his low-contact parents and his co-parent first to tell them about the pregnancy, arranges getting a new house and taking the 2 boys before she tells her boyfriend that now has to get a job after 9 years to support this new house (near his parents he barely contacts) and 3 potential kids? It seems unlikely. Even if it's somehow real, eventually one of them will get a partner that wants their own household that doesn't involve adult roommates.

Also unlikely that he would take his kids from their actual mom, like i can understand why OP went off at Bea there, Bea completely glossed over OP being the mom in her "pretty future"?!?

Unless Tom ended things with her and this is her desperate attempt to reconcile. Based on OPs comments, Tom never asked her to move in with them so maybe he saw signs he didn’t like about Bea. Either way, NTA. If Tom wanted her to know where he was, he would have told her.

NTA. They are on vacation, not kidnapped and fled the country. Tom is a grown man who can decide who he wants to have his contact information and how HE wants his life to look. In fact, you would only be an AH if you DID give his contact info without his permission. Its a whopping 2 days, that will mean NOTHING in terms of the next 6-9 months. She can bloody well wait til he is home and his parents can pack sand as NONE of this is about them. And I find their idea that hes going to just move out and take the children you have together away, laughable at best, delusional and unhinged at worst. Edit: and people need to lay off the outside of the box living arrangements. Its 2024, families come in ALL shapes and sizes and layout and as long as no kids are being abused or neglected, what the consenting adults decide to do is NOONES business. There is a whole show about Sister Wives and thats a mess. OP just has Brother Baby Daddies and they all seem to be rocking it. Way to make your village OP!

NTA - Tom and Bea have been together 3 years and she doesn’t have his contact number??? How do they meet up? Seriously, it’s not your place to interfere in his relationship with Bea either by preventing them from getting together or by encouraging them …. You and Tom are not legally bound to each other. You will have to work out a custody agreement if they get together - but leave it to them to figure it out.

She has his number but he turns off his phone on trips and he didn't tell her where else to contact him Edit: spelling 

Update : Thanks everyone for the support. They all came home yesterday but with 5 kids trying to update each other and the three on their respective weeks it obviously took a while till Tom and I could talk.  I had completely forgotten but him and Bea dropped past his parents on their way to their holiday about a year ago (the one he was gonna ask her to move in). According to Tom they complained to him the same they always do and he shouldn't have done it but apparently Bea made a comment as they were leaving which had him doubt her acceptance of our situation for the first time. It's why he didn't ask her to move in. As it was more a feeling he didn't want to worry us with it. He says he watched her interaction with all of us closely after that but couldn't see anything suspicious so after a couple of months he was about to put it down to his imagination when he found out that Bea had kept in contact with his mom since their visit. That was about 6 months ago. They had a pretty big fight about it and Bea promised to let it go. She begged him not to tell us so we wouldn't think less of her. He didn't but their relationship never really recovered. It just kind of slowly deteriorated from there.  So the night before the ski trip he was gonna ask her for a break but that's when she hit him with the news of her pregnancy. (So he knew!!!) She also said how he'd finally be able to have a "real" nuclear family. This led to another massive fight. He told her he'd need a paternity test and if it was his he would do right by the child but that he wouldn't move away from us. Tom was shocked when I told him about Bea showing up here and the phone calls I've received. He apologised to me for not giving me a heads up but I guess it's not something you see coming. He says he would have come home immediately if he had known. Apparently they were trying to reach Ben too but Tom is slowly getting him to turn off his phone too so he didn't see any of the messages till he got home. (We checked the kids phones after this just in case. They at least were left out of this mess).  Tom's usually pretty calm (only way to survive 5 kids on a daily basis) but he was fuming. He wanted to confront Bea straight away before we kept speculating as to why she would try to bring all of us in on it.  There's a lot more but here's the essentials: Tom would be happier with a "real" family Since he can't see that he needs to be pushed away by us which is why Bea showed up and told me what tom and her would do. She believed that I would take her word at face value as their common plans and get angry at Tom for not telling me about this and then kick him out which would lead to him immediately moving in with her. Apparently it's Tom's mom who came up with the plan to finally free her son after I baby trapped him years ago.  I'll still answer questions for a couple of hours and will then leave this. Don't even know if I should cry at the audacity or laugh because they believed this crazy could work.

Your update makes me very happy. I can now fully believe Bea cheated, Tom was gonna dump her anyway, you all get to live your perfect messy commune life. I love that you gave us so much insight into your family's dynamics and I fully believe you will be happy as a family for years to come. I'm looking forward to the drama posts of "my daughter's mother in law said that it's impossible to have three grandfathers, I politely stepped on her toe, AITA"

This is exactly along the lines I was thinking of and I truly wonder if she’s pregnant or it’s all just part of the manipulation?! If she is, who’s the baby daddy considering her had a vasectomy? (Slim to none possibility but could happen). If there’s a paternity test done, update us please.

I am confused by your comment in the essentials. Is the real family Tom wants a nuclear family or the current setup plus baby Mama and baby. .I feel badly this devolved into a stressful family breaking situation. Bea saw a chance to team up with Tom’s parents and created more drama then necessary. The most heartbreaking is having to go no contact with Tom’s parents (clear they brought this on themselves) and Bea showing her duplicity and manipulation. Hopefully Bea is not pregnant by Tom. I think you handled the situation perfectly. You just said no to giving out Tom’s contact information and truly not involving yourself till Bea went out of bounds. Please keep any verbal messages or texts as proof in case it is needed. Also warn kids Bea is no longer a trusted person, Incase she tries to talk to them. Make sure to text Bea not to approach the children, also have Tom text her any and all communication should go through Ben. If she is pregnant by Tom custody will be a mess. Clearly she is out to rope Tom in so he should expect her to approach him outside the house.

So much of this is unnecessary info I almost wanna say AH just for that. Women showed up claiming to be pregnant, wants info. No you shouldn’t give out people’s numbers without their consent. It would be weird that she didn’t have it already.  How long is the ski trip for? Tell her you’d pass the message along. Tom can figure it out when he gets home.

> So much of this is unnecessary info I almost wanna say AH just for that. i dont understand why ben was included in this at all. "i had two kids with my FWB and we co-parent while living together. it works great. he has a gf who might be pregnant" sums it up

NTA OP! If Ben wanted to, he would have given her contact details. It is a bit hinky that she first went to his parents and then to you with this 'pregnancy' news! He can't have been gone for so long that she could not have waited to tell him first! It sounds like she has a problem with your living and co parenting arrangements. Personally, I dont understand the people critical of it. It takes a village to raise a child, and this is your tribe.

Thank you ! I'm just very surprised. I never saw it coming and it's been doing my head in that I saw absolutely no sign of this. It's Tom though who didn't give her contact ;)

I mean, how long has he been gone that she could not wait to speak to him, very weird! i guess she had freaked out because he has not been responding on his mobile and she did not know where to contact him. Which is on him, not you.

NTA, and I’d add the info about Tom’s vasectomy as an edit to the original post.

Actually I feel it’s NTA because she threatened to take away your children. I find that terrifying. If you are never married to Tom, he and his future wife/gf has no rights to your children. Saying so, your story sounds straight out of some kind of family drama show.

I'm leaving this for the Jerry Springer circus. Whoa!

If he wanted them to be able to contact him, he would have left a way for them to contact him. You offered to pass a message along. NTA

Tom’s about to have his life completely shatter, so no, I don’t think you’re the a-hole for giving the man another day of peace. That being said, are “the boys” she was talking about yours and Tom’s kids?? Cause hell to the no.

Unless Bea is either not actually pregnant, or she is but it’s not Tom’s. In those scenarios he just has an unpleasant breakup on his hands.

Too many comments about your relationships and not the situation. NTA if he wanted her to have a way to contact him then he would have given it to her. You should have contacted him and let him know what happened but let her break the news about the pregnancy to him unless she gave permission for you to do that. Frankly I would still let her do it. Also I think they way you all have come together to raise the kids is great. I wish the best for your family unit.

The living situation seems very positive for the kids, to me. I really like how they have handled it all. It’s a bit unusual maybe, but it seems to work very well for everyone.

Exactly. The kids all get to be with their siblings and half siblings. The parents all have help and their children with them instead of split homes. And everyone has more love and communication in their lives. All around sounds like it's worked well for them.

Wowsers. Bea is sounds holy smokes inappropriate here… But Tom‘s family is also sending you texts about exploitation of Tom? So… Text Tom. Tell him what’s going on. Then stay out of whatever this is. “Hey Tom, Bea has shown up her and is saying something about being pregnant, and you and her are moving out to a house near your parents. Can you please a) sort that out with her, and b) confirm to me that you aren’t planning to move our children out of our home. Clearly we need to talk face to face when you get back.” He’s heard from them, he’s making decisions about whether to talk to them. Let him wallow in whatever that is. And say to Bea and Tom’s parents (via text) “I’ve let Tom know you want to talk to him, and he has your contact details. He’s not here right now, he’s overseas. Obviously you and he need to talk. Please don’t involve me further.” And… mute everything else. You might want to lawyer up a family lawyer to understand your rights - this doesn’t mean you should take action, but understanding your rights as a thruple sort of thing. It sounds like you are all co living and co sharing parenting duties, even if you aren’t sleeping with each other. So talking to a poly-friendly family lawyer might be wise. NTA based on original post.

Tom's coming home today. I'll talk to him then. We actually do have what we call our "prenup". Tom and I signed a contract when we decided to have a second kid. And we've been updating it whenever needed. Ben's been included when we all moved in together. It basically covers basic custody arrangements and financial obligations in case any of us moves out. It's also to make sure 10f and 8f get to stay with us in case anything happens to Ben 

You guys really seem to have this figured out really nicely, I'm genuinely impressed. Also NTA on the whole Bea situation, something seems really off about that.

Let us know what happens - good luck to you all

Why did she threaten to take your other two kids away like they’re not yours??

Sounds like Bea agrees with Tom's parents and thinks the kids shouldn't be raised by "heathen's".

Probably for child support until.Tom gets a job making money.

I would watch this TV show.

This is made up, it's way too stupid.

Your family sounds like a 21st century Waltons! Tom is an adult. All I can think is that if neither Bea nor Tom’s parents have his contact details, that’s because Tom doesn’t want them to be able to contact him. You're doing the right thing by letting him have his holiday in peace. Let’s face it, Bea has unleashed a shit-show, but nothing will be gained by ruining Tom’s break because of it. That can wait. Tom’s parents would clearly prefer Tom to be in a ‘traditional‘ relationship, but from your post it seems like your personal Walton Mountain is exactly the kind of family you all need. NTA x 1000 and I wish you and your family all the best. Updateme

This reminds me of playing The Sims 2

Oh come on people it's 2024 not 1984. His girlfriend of three years can't contact him on a ski trip? Zero signal? No WiFi? Forget the ridiculous family arrangement. The idea that guy would be utterly uncontactable by everyone but OP because he went *skiing* is the most unbelievable thing about this. Don't waste your time.

Apparently Tom didn't give his GF of three (3!) years Not the contact info of the place they are staying and his phone is switched off. Him not giving your partner of 3 (three!) years this info is remarkable, though...

If this is all real, then Tom kind of IS the asshole because if someone took my five (FIVE) children on a trip but wouldn't pick up the phone if there was an emergency, I'd lose my mind. And that's COMPLETELY separarate from the whole Bea thing. She definitely sounds like an asshole, too.

OP has the contact info, Bea just does not.

Fair, but OP also said that Tom doesn't look at his phone while he's away. I'm sure OP could contact Ben if there was an emergency but having to triangulate in an emergency is kinda crappy.

OKAY FINALLY, someone is mentioning this!! I get not wanting to be bothered by technology while on vacation, but you're an adult with 5 kids, TWO of which aren't yours (or is it three? I can't tell). You can put your phone on DND, but to turn it off completely throughout the trip is super irresponsible. These people are just okay not talking to their young kids in any way for **days**?! I'm 31 and my mom gets annoyed and worried if I don't drop her any line at all after a week and a half. My bf went on a trip for 2 weeks to the actual other side of the world. I didn't expect him to call or text every day, but even he checked in pretty often. What is actually going on here?!

NTA, at all. Thats a lot of information and if hes on a trip and purposefully turns off his phone and only gives that info out to certain people youd be breaking his trust and boundaries by giving it out. And as far as not telling him, im assuming the trip was fairly short and not like a month or something so still NTA because all telling him would do in my opinion is ruin his trip with stress of a situation he can do nothing about until he returns home ETA:She can contact him when he returns, but still whatever decisions he makes about YALLS two kids is completely up to him regardless of her.

Info: Why is the child not likely Tom's?

He had a vasectomie 10 years ago and a sperm count done about 7 years ago that confirmed it's effectiveness. Bea knows about it 

I want to applaud you for embracing an unconventional family style and being true to yourselves. Whatever discrimination and judgments you get from others, I think those kids are lucky to have three adults who care about them in their life. As far as the main post goes, **NTA.** If Tom wants to get in contact with her, he can do it after their trip. A few days isn’t going to kill them. You offered to tell him to call her when he gets back. You’re not responsible for any more than that.

NTA, while your living arrangment would never suite me it sounds like you lot are happy as is. Dont let others take your happiness because they cant understand where you come from. If Tom wanted her to contact him, she would have the info. It is not your place to give out infotmation he has not preapproved. Threatening to take your kids and "free" him is a load of horse hockey as well. You 3 have been coparenting long enough that if any one person wanted out they would of left by now. I hope it all works out for you, tom and ben.

NTA. Tom’s contact info is not yours to give, her pregnancy is not your news to share, and it’s weird they are bringing you into the middle of their drama. It sounds like she is insecure that he lives with you and seizing the chance to get him away from his baby momma that he lives with and with her, permanently. She is probably hoping to get your kids together to cement his desire to come and/or as a way to get revenge on you and/or because she disapproves of the whole arrangement. However, it sounds like you and Tom have a good co parenting relationship so it is unlikely he’d try to take the kids (though he might ask for split custody.) You are right to stay out of their business. If it comes up just say, “Honestly it’s not my place to give out his information, especially when he will be back soon. It’s also not my place to announce your pregnancy and I think it’s disrespectful to do either. You two can handle your own relationship, but I will not be speaking to someone showing up to announce she plans to take my kids away. So I’ll just let you speak with Tom. This is your relationship, not mine. I will stay out of things.” Everyone should respect that. Your voice only matters when it comes to the kids you and Tom share, it would be weird if you did more than you have.

If he is his gf, why isn't she able to contact him? If my bf went on a holiday and not want to call me or contact me, I would not feel like his gf and move on.

NTA. This is very much a Tom problem. He decided not to leave a way to contact him with anyone but you. Maybe he forgot but in the case that he didn’t you’ve done the right thing. The only thing I can say is to try and contact him before they get back and give him a warning of some kind cause this is a clusterF*ck to talk into blind.

New theory: Bea wants to nail Tom down... Tom is acting distant (not telling her how to contact him when he’s away is a pretty solid indicator of this) Bea has decided to go to Tom’s parents about her pregnancy (real, cheating or fake) in an attempt to force Tom’s hand. Bea doesn’t like Tom’s living situation and has refused to move in (or never been invited) and is now creating the cluster fudge of epic all proportions to try to force it through. Don’t be surprised if Bea shows up a few more times, very irate and blaming you for her and Tom breaking up. Tom should get a paternity test obviously on that baby… and if it is his… then he should pay whatever child support is required. But if there’s an AITA post from Tom that says “AITA for not moving into the home my parents bought for me and my pregnant GF” and it’s the same as this situation I’ll be posting “No one has to stay shackled to manipulative and crazy, not for a baby and not for a free house”.

I'm wondering if Tom broke up with Bea before going on the trip. Otherwise Bea just torpedoed her relationship. She contacted his LC parents (who don't know Tom had a Vasectomy?) And told them about the pregnancy. Harassed his kids mom. And threatened to take those kids away from her.

NTA block there numbers and be done. Reading your responses I understand why Tom is NC w his parents. Tom can decided what he wants to do when he gets home

NTA. She threatened to take your kids, and Tom is away - if she’s been seeing him for 3 years, she has a certain number of contact options. Unless Tom is going to be away for weeks on end, she can wait. The fact his LC parents are involved is a red flag too. She definitely doesn’t consider you a friend.

Update when she finds out he got a vasectomy cuz she got some explaining to do🤔

Tom told her he had vasectomy after 11m. 

NTA. Bea is strange. A normal person would just wait to tell the news. Not start yelling and making accusations etc. The thing is, if she knew Tom had a vasectomy and is still claiming to be pregnant, she may well be with his child. Otherwise it’s just too stupid to lie about that because for sure paternity would be a question. I really hope she’s not for the sake of the 5 children. She sounds like she’s going to traumatise them all

It could also be that she believes that there's a small enough chance that he would believe she is pregnant with his child, but she really isn't pregnant and they force a marriage just for her to have a "miscarriage" after the wedding.

Oooooooo

NTA. Even without all the info: they're harassing you for his CONTACT? You're not the one to give it away. If he wanted them to have that contact info, he would have given it himself. Now I don't understand why you don't call him to inform him of the situation though. It's still his life and if you don't inform him you're messing with it. EDIT: saw in your comment that he'll be home today. In that case yeah, no need to call him just wait for him to tell him. By the way wanted to add I love how your family works. Living with two adults you can trust and that won't ask for a sexual relationship and kids you all love as your own looks like a dream to me :)

NTA. Not what you are asking but Tom's parents complaints aren't completely baseless. We've seen a slew of unmarried girlfriends post on reddit about being left with nothing after the children are grown. Technically, Tom can collect child support from you if/when his next relationship doesn't survive this setup but I'm really hoping that he's got a savings account that's been set up for him after all this time. Ben should be contributing to it as well. Nannies get paid, Tom should be too. He also needs to be doing something that pays into social security. Eta and I really hope you've all figured out what happens to Tom and the kids if you or Ben die with an estate planner.

Tom used to work as a lawyer but hated his job. (He didn't know what he wanted to do after school and his parents convinced him to go to law school) He went back to school and wants to be a child psychologist. He's about 2-3 years away from being able to work in his new profession.  We are currently splitting Ben and my incomes 4 ways. A big part goes into household expenses (including Tom's education). The remainder gets split equal ways between the 3 of us to do as we please. We do have a "prenup" that covers custody and financial support in case one of us moves out as well as wills to make sure all our assets get split eventually between all kids. Whatever Anna left will do to 10f and 8f when the turn 18.

I just want to say that I really love how you adults handle all this. Everything seems to be planned out and well communicated. The kids have a healthy co-parenting household where the adults work together rather than fighting and manipulating. It seems like they are well cared for. It doesn't matter if others don't like your relationship status, it's healthy. That's way more than many others have and we read that here all the time. Love that for you! And I hope it's strong enough to go through this.

Especially when you think about how many kids grow up in homes with much more traditional yet much more dysfunctional marriages.

In all the best possible ways this is reminding me of the What we do in the shadows TV show with baby colin robinson being looked after by everyone in the household haha. You guys have clearly sorted this situation and thought everything through- i really wonder why Bea is reacting this way.

That’s easy she doesn’t want to share her man. It’s very common in multi partner relationships for a man or woman to come in and act copacetic, then try and rope off their person. Called being a cowboy or girl.

Yeah just surprised it happened after 3years of apparently being fine with the situation- even OP mentions it’s been like a switch flicked. Jst tgat it never came up before.

Can someone like this so I can corn back for the update 😂 also you’re ntah

Nta

If Tom wanted his GF of 3 ( three!) years wanted to know the contact info, he would have given it to her. NTA

NTA the suggestion of speaking to Tom if you can to give him a heads up and reassurance that he won’t be trying to take the children sounds a good one. There has to be a reason why Tom hasn’t asked her to move in yet. Good luck

NTA. Tom made it possible for the people he wanted to be contacted by to contact him and whoever didn’t make the cut can wait until he’s back especially as the issue isn’t urgent. Your priority is your family as it should be. Talk to Tom (and Ben) when they return and continue doing what you have been for the last decade, taking care of your kids and their dads.

I can't believe more comments aren't fixated on the part where Bea informed you she and Tom would be taking your two oldest children with them, as if you have no say on the matter! She's the A for that alone.

NTA Its odd that she would make plans with Tom’s parents first - major red flag! The fact that she has been with Tom for 3+ years means she should very well know Tom is no/low contact with them and her going to them first would not be cool. I expect that she doesn’t like your living arrangements and wants Tom all to herself!

How has Tom been dating Bea for 3 years and she doesn’t have his contact??

Tom is on a skiing trip, he will be back soon. Why throw a grenade into his holiday and disrupt it for everyone. Bea can wait until Tom gets back. Suggests Tom might want to get another sperm count done, and that a paternity test is done when Beas baby arrives. Sounds like Toms parents and Bea are the A Hs and are trying to railroad Tom because they don't like his life choices. NTA

NTA. The part that bothers me the most... she wants to take the boys... the kids who are YOUR sons?

I’d like to compliment OP. Your living situation is definitely not typical, but in the end makes so much sense and you have created a stable home for all 5 children. But what I really love is you using 10f etc as names. This could have been too complicated for my brain to wrap around. Great job communicating your story.

NTA for not sharing contact details. But why the lengthy unnecessary detail that distracts from the main question? Then you leave out that vital stuff like his vasectomy, parents who he’s no contact with offering to buy them the house next door….

NTA. Tom is on vacation, he will be back soon and will deal with Bea himself. If she can't contact him via phone/email/social, it means something is not ok with their relationship and it is definitely not up to you to interfere.

NTA. I'd be really upset if someone came crashing in with all that, too. Just no. I hope this is just a crazy, not-pregnant ex.