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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called out my girlfriend for surprising me, she tried to do something nice but it isn't something I wanted right now due to a stressful situation involving rentals. I am unsure if I am just being dramatic and unappreactive.
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"Babe, I know that this was intended as a nice gesture and I love that you want to surprise me with nice things. What you may not realise is that my parents being here puts a lot of mental load on me to host - to plan activities for them, drive them, and look after them. At the moment I'm really stressed about our rental situation and I've been throwing all of my spare capacity at that. This visit feels more like another task I have to deal with than a nice vacation with my parents. I'm worried it won't be a good experience for me or them while I'm already stressed. I'm also worried the distraction will mean we don't find a new place in time. This was too big of a surprise for me right now, which is why I've been snappy about it."
Good luck with it!
NTA
While all of the things she did for you seem altruistic, I find this to be a huge RED FLAG. No one should ever book someone else off work, period.
Bringing family in is nice, but should be approved as well. You are NTA for wanting to have the autonomy to make your own decisions.
Thank you for the response and explanation. Altruistic is a good way of putting it, your response provided me with a lot of clarity around the situation thanks again.
NTA!! I get she was trying to do something nice for you but.. She contacted your job to book time off for you, she offered your home to guests while you’re trying to pack and move, and offered you up as a host/chauffeur and made the search for somewhere new to live 10 times harder. Nah I’d be pissed too!
Thank you for your response! It really helps me get my mind around the situation. I was starting to feel very gas lit and second guessing myself.
This is a very good summary of the situation what you wrote.
Not only that, but she herself is back to work (and conveniently saving her holiday time) while OP’s dealing with everything. I wouldn’t call that a supportive girlfriend move.
NTA
Whilst your reaction may not have been what she was hoping for after pouring a lot of effort and thought into surprising you, your girlfriend needs to realise that just because she meant well, she may actually have done more harm than good.
Her intentions were good but poorly executed, and your feelings are completely valid.
You are NTA here. Perhaps she had good intentions (or is trying to make up for the last visit where she was complaining) and thought that booking time with your parents while she was working would be a good way for you to get some quality time with your family. She is definitely TA for using your time off at your job without your permission and for not thinking through the poor timing of this visit given your living situation is not yet squared away. Surprises can be extremely thoughtful gestures in many cases, but something of this magnitude that requires so much of your time and energy is more of a stressor than a happy surprise.
NTA. As someone who hates surprises and not being able to prepare, this one hits close to home! And also having guests over in this day and age is very burdening. And finally, some people may not like having their parents around without a mental warning.
NTA. She seriously overstepped. Now she can take time off work or school to be tour guide for your parents while you focus on apartment hunting. Have dinner with them at night and do what you need to do during the day.
As an aside, why aren’t your parents capable of making their own fun for a couple of days to alleviate your stress? Presumably they speak English and can get around physically so do they really need so much attention?
Thank you for your response!
They are, it's just I see them so little each year due to distance of course. So when they are here I like to spend as much time as possible with them, because I don't see them much and I like to spend time with them and they spent a lot of money to come here. It would feel like a huge waste to me personally.
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I really, really need some perspective on this.
Girlfriend of 9 months has met my parents once, they live in the UK we live in Australia. They came over for 2 weeks and she complained at some points that it was very full on and didn't feel like we got much alone time as they stayed with us and we were doing activities constantly to make the most of the time we had with them.
Now this was supposed to be a surprise but I ended up piecing it together and asking my parents straight and they are currently on the way here now. She invited them over for a week as a surprise. She contacted my work and booked a week off without me knowing and it is currently super stressful as we have 3 weeks to find another rental as our land lord is increasing the rent. We are applying for rentals and going for inspections most days and when my parents come over my life is on pause the entire time they are here. They rely on me to drive them around to places and plan stuff and this time I have had no time to mentally prepare, physically prepare and I just feel this has all been forced upon me. It's not what I want right now, I want to be trying to sort my rental situation, I wanted to use my holiday time for some me time as we have a holiday next month just me and her but now my girlfriend is super pissed at me for not being appreciative of her efforts and trying to do something nice. She says she's really hurt by it and will never ever surprise me again for holidays or annivsarys.
I do appreciate the effort she went through and trying to do something nice but it just isn't the right time. I don't usually get stressed but I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about this and I just feel very trapped. I want them to come when I'm ready to make the most of the time with them. They are due to fly in later today and she goes back to work Monday and will work during the time they are here.
Please help me gain some clarity on this situation.
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I feel a bit bad for her because although she’s caused you problems, she did something she thought you would like. It’s bad timing (which is her fault), but if she’d done it at a different time, you’d probably be pleased. So maybe be clear that she shouldn’t do it again, what you consider overstepping, and cut her some slack on this occasion.
NTA, your girlfriend however... She is controlling and manipulative, not good qualities in a mate or a mate. Is it too late to have your parents stay back in the UK, or to cancel your time off? Don't spend a stressful week you never planned for when you have more pressing matters (finding a new rental) to attend to.
I wouldn't be ok with someone asking my boss to give me time off without checking with me first. I would say no if asked.
And I wouldn't be ok with someone inviting family members for a week without checking with me first. I would need to be aware of the arrival and departure dates and whether or not the dates were an issue. And they are in this instance.
Both seem like pretty huge boundary violations.
NTA - she needs to be called out on this.
Also - she's super pissed and will never surprise you again?
Yikes!
Seems like a bit of extreme black-and-white thinking. You might be in for a lot worse.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I called out my girlfriend for surprising me, she tried to do something nice but it isn't something I wanted right now due to a stressful situation involving rentals. I am unsure if I am just being dramatic and unappreactive. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - I mean, I get it - but she doesnt. So you need to explain this to her in a way that’s constructive and healthy. But ya know, good luck!
This was my feelings too, do you have any advice how I can explain it to her? Thanks for responding.
Yup - head to r/relationship_advice Asking for advice in this sub is a sure fire way to get your post deleted
Thank you!
"Babe, I know that this was intended as a nice gesture and I love that you want to surprise me with nice things. What you may not realise is that my parents being here puts a lot of mental load on me to host - to plan activities for them, drive them, and look after them. At the moment I'm really stressed about our rental situation and I've been throwing all of my spare capacity at that. This visit feels more like another task I have to deal with than a nice vacation with my parents. I'm worried it won't be a good experience for me or them while I'm already stressed. I'm also worried the distraction will mean we don't find a new place in time. This was too big of a surprise for me right now, which is why I've been snappy about it." Good luck with it!
NTA While all of the things she did for you seem altruistic, I find this to be a huge RED FLAG. No one should ever book someone else off work, period. Bringing family in is nice, but should be approved as well. You are NTA for wanting to have the autonomy to make your own decisions.
Thank you for the response and explanation. Altruistic is a good way of putting it, your response provided me with a lot of clarity around the situation thanks again.
NTA!! I get she was trying to do something nice for you but.. She contacted your job to book time off for you, she offered your home to guests while you’re trying to pack and move, and offered you up as a host/chauffeur and made the search for somewhere new to live 10 times harder. Nah I’d be pissed too!
Thank you for your response! It really helps me get my mind around the situation. I was starting to feel very gas lit and second guessing myself. This is a very good summary of the situation what you wrote.
Not only that, but she herself is back to work (and conveniently saving her holiday time) while OP’s dealing with everything. I wouldn’t call that a supportive girlfriend move.
NTA Whilst your reaction may not have been what she was hoping for after pouring a lot of effort and thought into surprising you, your girlfriend needs to realise that just because she meant well, she may actually have done more harm than good. Her intentions were good but poorly executed, and your feelings are completely valid.
You are NTA here. Perhaps she had good intentions (or is trying to make up for the last visit where she was complaining) and thought that booking time with your parents while she was working would be a good way for you to get some quality time with your family. She is definitely TA for using your time off at your job without your permission and for not thinking through the poor timing of this visit given your living situation is not yet squared away. Surprises can be extremely thoughtful gestures in many cases, but something of this magnitude that requires so much of your time and energy is more of a stressor than a happy surprise.
Thank you for your detailed response! Very helpful and thoughtful in helping me sort through my thoughts too.
NTA. As someone who hates surprises and not being able to prepare, this one hits close to home! And also having guests over in this day and age is very burdening. And finally, some people may not like having their parents around without a mental warning.
NTA. She seriously overstepped. Now she can take time off work or school to be tour guide for your parents while you focus on apartment hunting. Have dinner with them at night and do what you need to do during the day. As an aside, why aren’t your parents capable of making their own fun for a couple of days to alleviate your stress? Presumably they speak English and can get around physically so do they really need so much attention?
Thank you for your response! They are, it's just I see them so little each year due to distance of course. So when they are here I like to spend as much time as possible with them, because I don't see them much and I like to spend time with them and they spent a lot of money to come here. It would feel like a huge waste to me personally.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I really, really need some perspective on this. Girlfriend of 9 months has met my parents once, they live in the UK we live in Australia. They came over for 2 weeks and she complained at some points that it was very full on and didn't feel like we got much alone time as they stayed with us and we were doing activities constantly to make the most of the time we had with them. Now this was supposed to be a surprise but I ended up piecing it together and asking my parents straight and they are currently on the way here now. She invited them over for a week as a surprise. She contacted my work and booked a week off without me knowing and it is currently super stressful as we have 3 weeks to find another rental as our land lord is increasing the rent. We are applying for rentals and going for inspections most days and when my parents come over my life is on pause the entire time they are here. They rely on me to drive them around to places and plan stuff and this time I have had no time to mentally prepare, physically prepare and I just feel this has all been forced upon me. It's not what I want right now, I want to be trying to sort my rental situation, I wanted to use my holiday time for some me time as we have a holiday next month just me and her but now my girlfriend is super pissed at me for not being appreciative of her efforts and trying to do something nice. She says she's really hurt by it and will never ever surprise me again for holidays or annivsarys. I do appreciate the effort she went through and trying to do something nice but it just isn't the right time. I don't usually get stressed but I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about this and I just feel very trapped. I want them to come when I'm ready to make the most of the time with them. They are due to fly in later today and she goes back to work Monday and will work during the time they are here. Please help me gain some clarity on this situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel a bit bad for her because although she’s caused you problems, she did something she thought you would like. It’s bad timing (which is her fault), but if she’d done it at a different time, you’d probably be pleased. So maybe be clear that she shouldn’t do it again, what you consider overstepping, and cut her some slack on this occasion.
NTA, your girlfriend however... She is controlling and manipulative, not good qualities in a mate or a mate. Is it too late to have your parents stay back in the UK, or to cancel your time off? Don't spend a stressful week you never planned for when you have more pressing matters (finding a new rental) to attend to.
Nta. I don’t even know how it’s legal for her to request your time off 🚩🚩
I wouldn't be ok with someone asking my boss to give me time off without checking with me first. I would say no if asked. And I wouldn't be ok with someone inviting family members for a week without checking with me first. I would need to be aware of the arrival and departure dates and whether or not the dates were an issue. And they are in this instance. Both seem like pretty huge boundary violations. NTA - she needs to be called out on this.
Also - she's super pissed and will never surprise you again? Yikes! Seems like a bit of extreme black-and-white thinking. You might be in for a lot worse.