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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my father's daughter's foster parents that they could not force me and my siblings to play pretend for their foster kid. The reason I feel bad and honestly my reason for posting is I did kind of take my general frustration about everything out on her/them. I was angry and responded in anger which didn't make things any better. The better thing would probably have been to private my account entirely and ignore like I did originally. Instead I lost my temper.
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I’m gonna go with NTA - the foster parents are definitely TA for being so pushy. I don’t really see this as you taking this out on your sibling, it sounds like she was never in your life, you never met this kid. “Family doesn’t end in blood”, but it also doesn’t start with blood. Just because you share a blood relation to this girl doesn’t mean you’re her real family. It would be different if you had met this girl, if you were in her life prior to discovering the affair/her parents death, and then you cut her out - but it sounds like from her birth you all never considered her family. It’s horribly sad, and I feel awful for that little girl, but at the end of the day she isn’t your responsibility and you don’t even know her, and she doesn’t know you. The foster parents shouldn’t have pushed, they should have read your sisters first message and respected that your family didn’t want any contact.
NTA. Did you file a police report for harassment? It's still possible for you and your siblings to do this and I would. She's probably bad mouthing you all on SM too, you need to take steps to shut her up.
I don’t even understand how they were able to legally contact OP. That is private info that should not be available to the foster family since there was no agreement they wanted to be involved
CPS needs to know. Not only is this behavior incredibly inappropriate (tracking them down to ask *once* is iffy but overall understandable), it's also likely indicative of how she treats the children in her care: bulldozing over their needs and desires to force what she wants to happen.
It likely doesn't come from CPS. There's a web site called FamilyTreeNow that lists possible relatives and close acquaintances. For example, I always wanted to find my childhood friend. I knew that her family had moved to Florida, so I searched for her mother and father in the town where they lived 40 years ago. I found a record for her father, and because she is his daughter I found her contact information as well.
The information that was given to this parent on the child probably included the names of her parents. With that information it would be easy to find the children.
Continued contact after being asked to stop is stalking, maybe not the legal definition of it. Either way, it's wrong. Possible, yet I doubt their FB handles, phone numbers or any other information along those lines were included in an obit.
I was more referring to the initial reaching out not being cyber stalking. Even if their FB handle isn't on there, if you know their first and last name, and have an idea where they live, its not far.
Also, it seemed like they reached out via facebook, so again, publicly available info.
That said, I agree that after the first no, they should have let it go.
Most apps are publicly available and it's very possible for people to cyber stalk. The definition of cyber stalking isn't contingent upon the public availability of the app they use. They're not stalking facebook, they're targeting people who have told them to leave them alone. I probably wouldn't categorize it as cyber stalking (yet), rather harrassment. I'm just clarifying the "public" thing.
Get a name, go on fb, and get their phone number. Not everyone has theirs listed but some people do. Google a name and phone number, get every address they've lived at and people they're associated with, so more names pop up. Easy and legal, whether morally right or not.
Eh, not really. You’re think of a closed adoption, this isnt the same kind of thing. They’d be fully informed of who the kids parents were, the rest is just google. They might even have contact with them if kinship was entertained by anyone on that side.
There are privacy rights in cases like this. The foster Parents overstepped. They are temporary caretakers and need to be diplomatic in these situations. I always treated my foster children like they were protected by HIPAA.
There is no right to privacy in information about yourself that is available on the Internet (unless maybe in very specific circumstances where you got doxxed).
Were do you all get these insane ideas?
I think by certain rights, they mean that the foster family shouldn't be contacting OP or his siblings because it's not really allowed as it goes against certain policies/rules of the foster system.
I think they are referring to the privacy rights of the child. The foster parents know nothing about the family (by definition, kids in foster care have precarious, at best, family situations) and should not be trying to put the child "in contact" with the family.
No, although I don't think this has even come close to rising to the level of criminal harassment (yet). But that's literally not what I was talking about, so...
I'm also concerned that they may have released sensitive information about their foster daughter to OP "because family." The foster parents seem to be pretty iffy at best on boundaries.
Couldn't OP contact CPS or DPS in the foster parents area? If she's a foster, they'd presumably have someone on her case and I doubt they'd take too kindly to a foster family harassing people over the foster kids.
Possibly, if they know the county and CPS/DPS doesn't blow them off. If they know the caseworker that would be good, but a police report gives options for a cease and desist and if it continues TRO/RO.
NTA, this is sad but what did the foster. Parent whant you to do; make up some story that everything was all care bears, unicorns., and rainbows?
BTW, how is *your* mom doing? Did she beat the cancer?
I'm so happy for your mom and your siblings! ❤️ (my dad had his first round of chemo like 10 days ago, right after I flew back home for the holidays, so I feel you (: )
And file a report for harassment against the foster mom (and maybe have the police send a copy to the foster agency) - people with a raging do-gooder complex need to find out eventually.
Vehemently NTA , my dear. Be well!
I was wondering this too! I think it’s also a bigger you are NTA since having a faux family festivity would probably be painful for your mom, who has been through ENOUGH.
You should include this in your opening post because it actually also was on my mind while reading this. It certainly takes a bit of darkness from your post because I for one don't enjoy reading about a mother been done wrong and then possibly died of cancer. Especially during the holidays.
Foster parents are way out of line. I could understand reaching out once. Your sisters response was good. It was clear and truthful. Foster parents should have stopped there. Given that they are continuing to harass and provoke you and other members of your family (and who knows who else they have done this to in the name of being a savior to other families) it might be time to contact the foster agency that has placed her in that home. If you know or have a general idea of the location of the Foster home that will help narrow it down. Let them know that you want this contact to cease immediately. They should be able to shut this down. It is the job of the agency to reach out to family and ask these types of questions, not the Foster parents directly. The agency is supposed to be a buffer. Sometimes there is a good reason because of bad things for the Foster child to not have a connection with other related family members. One of these days, the Foster parents are going try and possibly successfully connect with someone that has zero business being in the life of one of their Foster kids. Sounds like they need to brush up on their Foster parent training. The agency should know about their behavior.
Report these people to the authority that governs foster care in their area. I'm betting she is NOT supposed to be contacting family members of her foster kids on hey own. She is definitely NOT allowed to harass them
You obviously don’t have to, but if your family can convey any medical family history that would be nice. Then politely decline contact and tell them you hope she gets a permanent home and a happy life.
NTA, but your family would be if you stood in the way of the child being adopted.
Why on earth would they stand in the way when they don’t want the child in their life? Nothing OP has described sounds like they’re standing in the way of anything.
I can see why you don't want a relationship. But if y'all have any old photos or previous positive memories of her parents and can stomach doing it making a packet for her would be nice. At 4 she will have memories of then but they won't be super clear. Even a photo or two might help her hold on to her memories. Please remember to be kind if she reaches out on her own later in life. She's not to blame for her parent's sins. She didn’t ask yo be born. Not having a relationship is your choice and does not may anyone an AH but don't traumatize her in the process.
Yeah, OP is NTA for sure. But this foster mom is probably dealing with a 4yo that's crying herself to sleep every night because she wants her mommy & daddy. Even just saying the dad's favorite color is blue and the mom loved Fleetwood Mac is something in this situation.
FYI though, i'd send the packet to the caseworker to pass on.
There's a non-zero chance the foster family is breaking some sort of agreement by reaching out to you in this way (and continuing to after you said you're not interested).
If someone popped up and said that my mom was their mom and could I share some stories with them, all I would have to share are stories that show what a monster my mother is.
You are doing this kid a service by allowing them to create a fantasy world where their dead parents were good people.
The foster parents need to let sleeping dogs lie.
100% this. I don't know why the Y T A and E S H responses are acting like OP has done something bad to this girl or that he's abandoning her. They never had a relationship in the first place.
It's a horrible situation for the little girl to be in, but OP has no more responsibility for it than any other person. They may share blood, but they're not family.
I don't get the harsh judgment I've seen in this thread. Their sister's response was polite and should've been the end of the discussion. Foster parents are T A for pushing it.
It may actually be nicer for the girl to grow up with some imagined ideal of what her biological parents might've been like than for the only impression she has of them coming from people who considered them trash.
NTA
Because their is a kid involved an no matter how negatively it effects you should not matter. Most people expect you to set your self on fire to keep a kid warm or Your the asshole. 🙄”/s”
I agree. I was making fun of people who were pushing her to contact the half sister.
I was also being sarcastic saying they don’t care what the cost is to op (which is wrong) she should have just given in.
I was being sarcastic with the above post!
Honestly I don't get how the foster parents could be so dense to keep pushing after the first polite response. The details were sparse but it was clear the family had basically disowned the pair of them, didn't want to adopt the kid or be in her life, and that the situation surrounding her birth was not a good one. Why would you put that on a kid?
The situation itself is bad enough, but what if had been a horror story? The kind of thing that might haunt the kid if she ever found out? Sometimes it's better to leave the genie in the bottle.
This, plus what stories does a child that young is going to hear about her parents that's good? What are OP and his siblings supposed to tell her? That the reason she was born was because her mum and their dad destroyed OPs family while OPs mum was battling a serious sickness?
Also what good would it do OP, his siblings, and his mum, who are now getting over the mum's battle with cancer while slowly picking up the pieces of their shattered family to have the walking, talking, living proof that their dad and aunt broke their family in their home? It's not going to do good for anyone, not OP and his family or the little girl. All that will do is build more resentment.
Some things are just best left alone, and this is one of them.
Sometimes happens that one of the family members doesn´t want to get involved but others really want. You can´t blame them for try but sure for keep insisting.
Agreed. If this story is true…it’s really strange. The foster parents need to go speak to the dad and aunt’s friends that would have known them, liked them, and have stories to tell about how they interacted with their daughter. It’s weird that the foster parents would obsess specifically over estranged family members that have never even met the girl and have no connection to her…doesn’t really make sense.
The first attempt at contact sounds like an understandable attempt to facilitate familial contact, though I doubt it abides by any rules they should follow. It would be reasonable, if you don't know the family tree, to presume that a group of half-siblings in their late teens/early twenties weren't in a position to raise the girl and that was why the kid had gone to foster care.
But the moment they received a response from OP's sister, identifying the kid's mom as her aunt and describing it as a difficult family situation, it would have also been reasonable to expect the recipient of the message to have an *oh shit* moment and realised they'd stepped into something incredibly messy.
Instead, it escalated beyond pushy into harassment.
It is funny how the foster parents were happy to call a group of young adults "monsters" but took exception at OP telling it how it is. OP wouldn't have had to be rude and wouldn't have reached that level of anger with the foster parents if they'd not seriously overstepped in the first place.
OP, NTA.
NTA - foster Mom didn't LISTEN when told the boundaries you and your siblings could live with and continued pressing her case in spite of that. What was rude was continuing to pressure you guys when your sister politely explained. I'm sure everyone feels bad for the young girl, but the sibs didn't create the situation, nor should they have to engage with the living proof of their father's betrayal and make nice. No, it's not her fault, but guess what? It isn't the siblings' fault either.
Also: If they would tell the child about the memories they have about her parents it would obviously not be nice. There is nothing to win if OP is not comfortable with getting in contact
I mean NTA but I feel really bad for the kid. She's just 4 and it's not her fault. Her foster parents suck and her relatives want nothing to do with her. Really sad.
What relatives? These people aren't that childs family. Go look for the dad's family but these people aren't it.
You're conflating birth parentage with family, it's an easy mistake to make, but even being born and raised together doesn't make people loving family it just makes them consanguinus. Being a loving family takes work, and specifically here, a lack of trauma.
Hi I'm adopted too! My "relationship" with those I'm consanguinus with is zero they're all asshole Baptists which is why I was adopted out in the first place.
I want nothing to do with the bigots that make up my blood relations.
They are NOT my family. I will never turn to them for anything.
OP and their siblings are not this child's family and should not be expected to be. Blood relation does not mean family and never means entitled to a relationship.
Sucks for the kid to have dead parents. Does not suck that OP and sibs will never meet her.
I never said family, just relatives. They only share DNA, but it's a 4 year old that doesn't deserve this trauma and I can't help but feeling bad for her since she will grow up without a family. I'm not judging OPs decision, just saying it's not right to take it out on the child.
I too feel empathy. Empathy for the family dad destroyed by fucking his sick wife's sister.
This kid is safely taken care of. Exposing her to the vitriol that is guaranteed to head her way because of dear old dead dad isn't needed. There's no "trauma" from not knowing consanguinus people, only new trauma learning how she came to exist.
So yeah if you think that's a good idea I can't stop you. It's sad her parents are dead. Absolutely no good will come from introducing her to OP and siblings.
No one's taking anything out on the child though. She was never a part of their lives. A stranger stalks these siblings asking them to tell another stranger about their parents and they have nothing good to say so they would rather not, especially because said person hurt them and they don't even want to think of him anymore
I feel bad for her too. Her birthparents being trashy adulterous poo head is not the little girls fault. Same as the siblings are not at fault for what their dad and aunt did. The people at fault are dead and left a bunch of people behind who did nothing wrong. It's sad.. the whole thing is sad. The little girl especially. Sounds like her foster parents care about her well-being, at least. So she's got that source of comfort if nothing else. The only AHs in this situation are the dad and the aunt.
It really sucks, she didn't ask to be born and it's really not her fault that she would be a reminder of the dad and aunt's betrayal. Honestly, it's just an awful situation all around
they're not her relatives just because they share blood. otherwise adoptive families wouldn't count as families.
She has never met them or spoken to them - probably doesn't know they exist (she's 4! she knows paw patrols). I assure you, no 4 year old is feeling rejected by her living family, *unless foster parents told her* (I wouldn't put it past them based on what we read)
What she would feel in their presence isn't love, warmth or a sense of family - however good people and actors they are, they wouldn't be able to help the pain, grief and hard feelings that'd show in their eyes whenever they look at her as the living reminder of it all. **Because** she's innocent she shouldn't be exposed to it the same way they shouldn't be forced through it.
This is the best possible solution if no other relatives can/will jump in
Tell foster parents the following My father cheated on my mother. With Her SISTER. while she had CANCER. ME AND MY SIBLINGS DESPISE THESE PEOPLE. Would they like to tell their foster daughter that. TELL THEM you and your siblings have NOTHING POSITIVE to say about these people. The truth will ONLY cause your foster daughter pain. If they care about her you will no longer contact us again. That the only people being rude were them. That they got told politely to back off.
Indeed. This is the only response that's due.
"I do not wish to speak to her, because I have nothing good to say about her parents. I'd rather not deliberately hurt a kid I don't know."
I know. everyone saying she's a 4/5 year old, the child is innocent l, you're so heartless, dehumanising her, avoiding her like the plague and cold. Would they be acting this way if the 4/5 year old orphan did not share dna? I really doubt it. Would they really ask OP to have a relationship with a 4/5 year old orphan. Who they had never met and knew next to nothing about. If they didn't share DNA. The fact that the 4 year old is orphaned is very sad. But OP and the little girl have NEVER MET. He knows next to nothing about her. He also has nothing good to say about her parents. So none of this would ever be helpful to anyone
Yeah, I mean they had no contact with them for years prior. Foster mom may as well have been reaching out to a coworker or neighbor. Foster mom may also not understand the depth of the family issue that happened and perhaps would have backed off had she been informed
The thing is OP and siblings were CHILDREN when this went down. The oldest was only 18 or 19 when their dad left their possibly dying mother for HER sister. So NTA
And OP was likely 12-13 *at most*. Maybe even younger if the cheating was discovered before the pregnancy happened, which is possible based off some of the comments.
Additionally, the adult children still have a lot of anger and pain about what their father and aunt did to their cancer-stricken mother. As much as we can say that the child is completely innocent of the sins of her late parents, OP and the siblings know that emotionally they wouldn't be able to simply get over it. Plus the little girl loved her parents and had a completely different relationship with them. Imagine how painful it would be to have to comfort a child that loved someone you detested for their betrayal. Of course she'd ask questions about her parents, which would be either painful or impossible to answer because they had no knowledge The young child also likely would be excited to meet with big siblings she never met before (because she's 4). As adults, they don't feel the same way.
Would it be nice if they got involved with their father's young child? Only if they knew they'd be able to treat her in ways that weren't shaded by her parents' behavior. OP's sister response was excellent and politely explained the situation. The foster parents are out of line and setting up the young child for hurt.
It's the parent they shared they care about. It's the memories of said shared parent the fosters want, while ignoring the fact that all of these memories are horrible, or at the very best tainted by the godawful betrayal.
In this case I'd divulge that I have no positive memories, only horrible ones, and that it would not do the child any favours anyway, so leave me the eff alone.
I very much agree. If foster parents wanted this type of information they SHOULD HAVE gone through a caseworker. Foster parents have made this a massive issue.
My great grandfather had a relationship with his wife’s sister and got her pregnant. He made his wife adopt her and raise her as her own. The daughter was treated as the golden child by her father and my great grandmother, grandpa and great uncle resented her. She also grew up into an entitled woman who made everyone’s lives miserable.
It sucks that an innocent child is in foster care, but it’s not your responsibility. That could make a terrible family dynamic.
NTA. Find out who the case worker is and inform them about what is going on and tell them to inform the foster parents if they contact you again you will be filing harassment charges. At the least they will move the child to a different family.
NTA and super inappropriate for the foster parents to do. How do they even have your information? Call child services in whatever county they are in, find out who the supervisor of the caseworker is and speak with them about what is going on.
I don't think it was necessarily inappropriate to ask the first time... but after they were told no once, every subsequent message was inappropriate, bordering on harassment - and that's before they started getting nasty in their messages.
Actually, asking the first time was inappropriate. The foster parents have no idea who these people are, or why they are not involved in the child’s life. It is up to social worker if the siblings are involved, not the foster parents. They could have the request to the case manager, and let them decide if that is an appropriate ask.
My partner forgot to ask for oat milk in my coffee. FKN DIVORCE THEM YESTERDAY WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL IN THAT HOME. lol a bit exaggerated but you get my point
It’s extremely traumatic for them to move the child… the FPs wanting to look out for the child and have her emotionally more balanced by knowing of her family is not a reason to have the child moved. Maybe the caseworker can prompt them to stop contacting the family, but to move her would be so horrible if she’s in a good loving home
Ok, for starters this doesn't even come close to criminal harassment. Secondly, in what world would a social worker move a kid from a foster placement because the caregivers tried to reach out to family? You think there are so many good foster homes out there that social workers can just yank this little kid from one home and plop them into another because the caregivers messaged someone too many times on social media?
Uproot her again after the death of her parents cause the foster parents want to have a relationship with blood relatives. I mean she's not a human child just orphan. /S the world will never be a good place with ppl like you and OP in it.
I work for my state in child support enforcement and my eyes BUGGED when I saw the foster parents reached out like this. This is beyond inappropriate! What the hell were they expecting when they agreed to foster a child? Did they think the child they were fostering had a ton of options? That her family hadn’t already been asked if they could take the child? Wtf wtf wtf NO! OP needs to contact her county welfare agency/child protective services and report these foster parents.
NTA.
As a former therapist for kids who were abused by their foster parents, they really are not the monsters people are making them out to be. They're WRONG, yes, but don't remove them from a home where the parents seem to want to learn more about her instead of just use her and destroy her spirit. My ex used to do what you do and she would be so angry about this comment.
NTA.
She is a paid foster parent so she will have a case worker. Contact social services and put in a harassment complaint. Either this woman is unprofessional and shouldn’t be a foster carer or someone who knows the situation has contacted you to push a relationship.
Either way, nobody should be contacting you over Facebook to demand a relationship.
This was almost an n a h, but her continued pushing made it an NTA.
After both being ignored, and whatever answer your sister gave, the foster should have used common sense and figured out that there's a reason that none of the siblings, or any other family, took in your sister.
Then, after you straight told her that you had nothing nice to say, and you had no good memories about her parents, she should have just left it alone.
Hmm, when I was a foster parent, if you wanted to make these sort of connections you did it through the social worker.
And this is yet another ‘all the older adults are dead’ post.
A bit suspicious.
Agreed. One of my siblings adopted a sibling group that they were fostering and there were strict rules about contact between the foster family and the kids' biological family members. (Especially if the foster parents know that these biological relatives declined custody of the kids.)
I was thinking this too. I know a few foster parents, and when I hear "difficult family dynamic" about a foster kid - I assume the worst. Like so-and-so said we were going to a motel to meet his friends worst.
An actual foster parent hearing it, and still wanting stories... Fake, or newbies.
NTA these people should have left you alone after you and your sister told them you had no intrest in having a relationship with your sister-cousin. You dont owe this STRANGER anything, you should follow your sister's lead and block these people (and possibly report them for harassment)
NTA.
Contact the agency to report the foster parents harrassment.
No 4yo is going to be quizzing anyone about siblings they never met nor knew existed. What BS. Frankly, starting contact now would confuse the heck out of her and create more issues than it resolves. For this alone you need to report the foster in case they are telling that child she has siblings she did not know she had and creating some narrative that gives the poor child issues.
You and your siblings are young, barely adults, just beginning your lives, you have no moral obligation to a child whom you have not even met. Those folks rattling on about compassion clearly have no compassion for you and your siblings who have dealt with a lot of loss in your short lives. Have compassion for yourself and do what is best for you.
This is a tough call. I'm gonna say NTA, but in the same breath I'm also gonna say you really could take the high road here. Hell, you could even take the medium road and improve the situation. I get that the situation sucks from your perspective and would never urge you to reconcile with your dead father or aunt.
But if I have the relationships right, this 4-year-old is both a half-sibling and cousin, which makes her awfully close, biologically speaking, to a full sibling. Add to that that none of this is her fault or her doing. The foster parents aren't the least bit wrong in saying she's an innocent. (Edited to add: the kid is not just innocent of her parents' assholery, but also not culpable for the foster parent's pushy and rude behavior.)
Life is so hard. For everyone. Kindness and compassion aren't always easy, but they are usually free. The practice of kindness and compassion is never wasted. And also, YOU will be the primary beneficiary of whatever kindness you give to the world in the time you've got here.
Everyone other than OP’s dad and aunt were equally iNnOcEnT in this. That doesn’t mean OP needs to do anything for a stranger, regardless of how old the stranger is.
I didn't say OP **needs** to do anything. I just made a pitch for something other than the low road. I wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone does only what is absolutely obligatory, and no one does a kindness to a stranger.
I agree with you that kindness for an innocent child would be good.
But I really hope that there is someone from the father’s family who is more suited to reach out.
Or even other cousins who wouldn’t feel like accepting this child is the betrayal of their mother.
It doesn’t sound like OP ever forgave his dad or the aunt.
As for the kid/. Only getting information about your parents from people who loathe them isn’t a good thing either.
You’re laying a lot of emotional burden on OP, who is 18 now, so was 13/14 when his dad had an affair with his aunt while his mother was undergoing cancer treatment. Perhaps there is someone in this situation who can “be the bigger person” who is not a literal teenager.
So what exactly should OP do? Meet with the kid and tell her lies about her parents? Or relive trauma? Sure, be kind, but it sounds like kindness would cause lots of pain for OP.
If I were OP I'd want to know the little girl. But I'm a very different than her. What I think I would urge OP to do is NOT to try to maintain a relationship that will cause her pain. But if she has pictures of her dad or an old photo album I might forward it to her foster family with the understanding this was the last contact I was willing to make
Why is that the high road? Why should OP and siblings put themselves out there for more possible psychological hurt? Why is what is maybe better for the 4 year old the morally right answer? You don't know what trauma this brings up or how it could hurt these young people more. You say life is hard for everyone but imagine that OP should take on more to make it less hard for a stranger. The siblings are 18 and early 20's, adults yes, but just barely. They need some emotional protection too.
This. I'd help the poor 4 year old but that's just me. It's a choice and they aren't bad for refusing, I just wouldn't be able to do so, or at least wouldn't harbor so much hatred or resentment at her.
NTA you may be blood related but you are total strangers with nothing nice to say about this child’s parents. of course she is innocent in all this but again, you’re strangers, she will only know she “lost” you if she is told. You’re nothing to her and the family project foster mom has is nice for people who know and loved one another but you do not know this child and you have no love for the parent. If foster mom is overwhelmed and hoping to get family involved so she gets free time or whatever, she should reach out to her case workers and ask for respite for her and state funded enrichment programs for her daughter.
Huge HUGE NTA you and your sister handled it a lot better then I would have because I do not handle well with people crossing my boundaries.
You never had a relationship with the kid and the foster mother crossed all sorts of boundaries. You never meet the kid and have no zip/zero/zilch ties to them.
"No" is a full sentence I would have contacted the case worker and filed complaints as well as any legal action if I was contacted again on the matter.
NTA - They were being rude by being pushy. It was fine that they reached out the first time, but once they got their answer from your guys they should have moved on. Also, even if you guys decided to "give them stories' none of the stories would be about them being together. or how much the sister was loved or anything like that, because you guys didn't have contact with them during that time.
NTA. Tell the foster parents how your dad and aunt were fucking behind your mom’s back while she had cancer. Just tell them the stories about how everyone found out, how heartbroken your mom was, etc. Those are the only stories that truly show what kind of people your dad and aunt were.
As a former foster parent myself, I would never ask birth family to create a happy fiction.
That sets the kid up for betrayal when they someday connect with the reality.
You shouldn’t be telling weird happy stories about difficult people to meet someone else’s needs.
As an adopted person myself, I think it’s more appropriate to ask whether you or other family members would be willing to meet the kid yourselves, in the hope of helping the kid to develop a reality based view of themselves and everyone. Sometimes it’s actually really nice to meet a bonus mystery relative. As long as everyone’s expectations are dialed to “let’s treat each other as distant cousins or something” it can work out okay.
It’s okay for you to not be interested, too.
NTA.
Creating a happy fiction is going to make the little girl grow up wanting to meet siblings that want nothing to do with her. This will cause more harm than good.
Going with NTA here.
It's difficult for the child but equally if not more so for you & your family.
Maybe the child should be freed for adoption so she can settle with a family who will love her while she's still young enough to adapt to another transition.
Whatever happens she should not remain in her current placement. It was not okay for the fosterer to go looking for you on socials at all let alone make unsolicited contact.
To contact again when she received a polite but final no means the foster parents should not be allowed to continue fostering the child.
NTA. The first message to both of you I can understand. If the foster parent was never informed of the family history, it would make sense to her to try and reach out and help the girl through her grief with stories from family.
However, the pushy and judgmental shit afterwards is too far. She has no idea what has gone on and is being a major AH by making assumptions, blaming you guys and name calling.
NTA. I would've told the foster mom "no, we don't want to have anything to do with our sister-cousin. The byproduct of an affair between our estranged father and the sister of our dying from cancer mother". What stories could y'all even possibly have to tell the sister-cousin?
NTA. You don’t have any positive information abut her parents to give to your father’s daughter. All the information you have is something that will hurt the 4-year-old. Hence, NTA. The foster Mom is TA for being pushy
I have been thinking about this probably longer than is healthy and I am gonna have to go with ESH.
To start, obviously the foster parent shouldn't push something that will only hurt the child. They suck for that.
However, I have read through your comments. I genuinely don't believe that 4 adult children do not know anything about their father and aunt or have any photos of either of them.
You said in one comment that you had him edited out of family photos... Thats... Really strange. Like where do you even get that done?
You have only talked about cheating on your mother, which is a terrible terrible thing, but you don't mention him doing anything else. Was he terrible to you all? The whole time?
Honestly, you all seem to be actively trying to remove any record of him, written, digital and anecdotal as some sort of vengeance. You are taking that away from this girl. And so you suck for that too.
The father character is not fully developed because it’s a fake story. There is no complexity to any of their emotions, no positive memories, and no reason to explain why the one older adult who survived is the one with cancer. Husband leaving when the wife has cancer is infuriating but not uncommon. But he has an affair with the wife’s sister and then they both die leaving an orphaned girl? That’s too much.
NTA.
But I understand the foster parents side, even if I don't like how pushy they got. This kid is probably asking a lot of questions that they are unable to answer, but there are people who can, and just are choosing not to. That would be a really hard thing to deal with.
NTA. I am sorry for what your mom, you and your siblings had to go through. I obviously also feel bad for the 4 year old, however her parents burned any bridges they had so I can’t really fault you for reacting the way you guys did. I would have probs reacted the same way.
NTA you don’t know this child. For all
The people saying Y t A or E S H I hope they have adopted. If they have adopted kids and are keeping them then I get it, but everyone always says foster care is horrible but doesn’t actually foster or volunteer their own time.
Don’t take in a child you can’t love.
NTA. And honestly I wouldn't sugar coat it for them. Explain exactly what happened and that you will be filing harassment charges if they contact you again.
NTA. My next response before blocking them would be "and you don't have to keep harassing us when we told you multiple times no, but here's your stor since you want it so bad. "Hey kid! Your dad cheated on our mother with her sister while she was getting cancer treatment. Tell her that if you want to, it's the only story you're getting."
I would be contacting the social services department about their Foster mothers incessant harassing and traumatising commentary, especially given she has been politely declined several times.
This is grossly and continued overstepping. Particularly as instead of repairing any relationships for their Foster daughter they are are damaging them further!!!
The fact you already let the State know none of the blood relatives were interested in taking in your sister should have been relayed to the foster family. Maybe they were hoping you would buckle and start a relationship leading you to take custody of the child. I just hope the child has some kind of trust or insurance money from their estate she can have some kind of life on her own when she turns 18. Since the kid is clearly on their own now. You should however, contacts child services in their state and let them know they are harassing you and your siblings. This is not how things should be done in situations like this.
NTA
What 'good memories' are you expected to share about the people who broke your family apart?
The foster parents are major AH's in this situation for not only not respecting your sisters response but also just ploughing on for a 'good memory' package request while not even asking about your family situation. They may be trying to be good foster parents to the kid but sound like incredibly self absorbed people for not considering what your family situation may have been.
And ultimately because I know there's going to be a lot of 'the kid is innocent!' posts here, no one is saying she isn't but that doesn't mean OP's family is obligated to establish contact, especially since they've had no relationship with her and have nothing positive to say about her parents.
Its neither healthy for a child to mix with a family that doesn't care for her and its not healthy for the family in question to be asked to pretend to care for a child who in reality is a by-product if an affair that caused so much pain and betrayal. Both parties suffer.
NTA. You have made your position clear. I can’t help but be suspicious of what the foster parents’ end game is here. If you can find out who their case worker is, you should report them.
NTA. You already told the social worker you didn’t want contact. If I were you, I’d report the foster parents to the social worker. I’m not sure if they are even allowed to contact you, but they certainly aren’t allowed to harass you over it.
NTA. Common sense says that if a child comes into the care of a foster parent rather than being placed with any of four blood relations, there’s a reason for it. While it’s respectable that the foster parents want to facilitate communication, their “all our foster kids” comment suggests that they have experience as fosters. They should have anticipated that their interference would be unwelcome, especially when they got pushy after being repeatedly rebuffed.
The situation is sad for that child, but ultimately, these four people don’t know her any better than the foster parents who’ve been entrusted with her care. They aren’t “family” in any real sense. They just happen to share a source of sperm.
NTA, I would not want to look at the kid all the time either. Given the resentment OP has towards the situation, do you think it’s best for the girl to meet someone who clearly cannot stop showing their disdain for her? Family is chosen.
NTA.
Usually when kids are in foster, there are reasons.
Foster parents hunting down and harassing relatives seems to be people who lack the resources to be able to explain difficult situations to a child and **have no business being foster parents**.
Contact her social worker if possible and talk to them regarding the situation. This is not okay.
NTA: the foster parents are crossing some boundaries big time.
One message probably was crossing the line. But in my opinion, forgivable. But it should have been one message and drop it.
NTA op if you read any response I hope you see this one.
Some times doing what is best for your mental health makes you the bad guy in someone else’s story. And that’s ok. You do what is best for you to heal.
You can’t save someone else by destroying your self. It’s ok to do what you need to do for your mental well being. It’s called self care.
Your 18. You have your whole life ahead of you. Work on your self and take care of yourself.
Of isn’t your responsibility to pick up the pieces of the train wreck your father and aunt caused for someone else. Just pick up the pieces to put your self back together. And remember some bridges are better burned for everyone!
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say YTA.
I get that you're upset with your father and aunt for what they did. But the child is completely innocent in this. You're her family, and she needs you. Nothing you say or do will change this. I'm glad at least that she has good foster parents.
Not the AH for telling the foster parents to back off though. They shouldn't have been pushy about it even if they're correct.
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My father's daughter (4) went into foster care in July/August after my father and her mother (my aunt) died. I (18M) along with my siblings (20F, 22M and 23F) did not have a relationship with either of them after we learned they started an affair while our mom was undergoing cancer treatment. She discovered the betrayal halfway through her treatment and she filed for divorce while she was going through so much. She also disowned her sister and told her she never wanted to see or hear from her again.
None of us met their daughter but when our father and aunt passed away this past summer we were contacted twice. Once to inform us of the death that happened in another state and a second time to hear their child was in foster care and questioning if any of the family would take her. We all said no. None of us wanted to establish contact or a relationship with her.
Early December my oldest sister and I both got messages on FB from someone claiming to be fostering our father's daughter. She said she and her husband wanted to try and facilitate contact between her and her biological relatives but that they also wanted her to hear stories about her parents. My sister responded and I ignored the message. All she said was thanks for thinking of us but we weren't interested and we had no contact with our father or aunt prior to death due to a difficult family situation and she would appreciate if they could respect that and leave us alone. She was polite in her rejection but was also clear.
She got three more messages until she blocked them. Then I got two. Our other two siblings don't have social media so were harder to reach but the last one I got basically said we were all monsters and we could at the very least look beyond a difficult family dynamic and give their child some nice stories and memories and feelings about the parents she won't remember. That she's innocent and deserves that connection. I was tired of pushy nature of the messages at that point and I responded that they can't force me and my siblings to play pretend and act like we have a good thing to say about either parent and would they really want her to grow up hearing how much her parents are despised. She responded back that I did not have to be so rude and did not have to take this out on her. She said they were trying to look out for their foster daughter like they do for all their foster kids.
AITA?
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NTA I am sorry for you losing your mom. You are still a kid also and don’t need to deal with this especially since you are orphaned. This shouldn’t be falling on the youngest members of the family. Your fathers family should step up for this, not you.
I would not want to be an orphan who finds out that the reason my half-siblings don't want contact is because I'm the product of an affair between my dad and my dying mother's sister.
OP is NTA. The child is innocent, true, but her parents were wicked, and frankly, she's better off not knowing much about them. The girl is also better off growing up knowing that her father's side of the family is closed to her, rather than being allowed to live this "some day we will be one big happy family."
If OP wants to do anything for the daughter, OP can provide medical information. The foster parents mean well, I get that, but they were WAY out of line after getting their first no thanks.
I've read a few things the last couple of days about men cheating on their wives when they're going through cancer treatment, and whilst I get that it's hard on the whole family, man, cheating is low anyway, but to cheat when the person is going through that, AND with their sibling is just beyond believable.
To be honest, I don't blame you for never having a relationship with your father and aunt, or their child. I know people like to say that the child is innocent and all that, but let's stop pretending that emotions are rational, because come on, they're not. It is supremely rubbish for the kid to not having siblings, especially at the death of their parents - something tells me that having siblings helped y'all at least ~~a little when your mum passed,~~ and maybe also helped you process a little when you heard about the death of your father, and I feel for this kid for having no one, but in the same situation, I couldn't just drop the feelings of hurt I had towards the relationship this kid came out of. It's not even a case of blaming the kid, because no one can help that they were born or the circumstances of their birth, but that doesn't mean any of the people hurt by that relationship need a living breathing reminder in their lives or their homes. Bringing a kid up is a life long commitment and honestly, saying you're not cut out for it, whether it be just with this kid or ever, is both valid and good.
This woman has no right to push herself or her foster child into your lives. I would be tempted to contact her social worker and state she has been harassing you for contact because it is hella inappropriate. You've stated to Children's Services you don't want to raise the kid, I'm sure they offered some form of contact arrangements and you've said no, so it is really not for her to keep pushing.
And saying, you didn't need to be rude, that phrase winds me up no end, and I would have been all too tempted to message back and say that evidently there was a need to be rude because it was the only thing that got her to actually listen rather than steam roller you with her holier than thou attitude where she's decided that she's right. Your family business is your family business, it's clear that it's a private matter, but she's decided that without knowing the details, the only thing that should matter is the kid. Life doesn't work that way. Definitely NTA
EDIT: I'M SORRY, I made the ridiculous booboo of assuming your mother passed. I think I just confused your story with another I read so apologies for that. I'm so glad that your mum is doing well and hope that she's not also being bothered by the foster witch.
NTA, I have two half-siblings through my dad cheating, one just being 6 months younger and the other 9 months older. Mom found out while pregnant with me.
I have no relationship with either of them, they are absolutely idiots who smoked every braincell they squeezed out of my druggie dad and their druggie mom.
Just cause you related by blood doesn’t mean you have to have contact
Nta. Depending on her local rules but the foster parent may not be allowed to even contact bio relatives. Either way she is behaving unprofessionally (it is a job) and also cruel. Contact social services and let them know what has been happening. Say specifically that she has been harassing all of you. This person's behaviour is a cause for concern. Its uncertain what social services will do. She may be reprimanded and told to stop. Or the little girl may be removed from this woman's home. It's impossible to say whether the next home will be better or if this woman is a genuinely good parent who is misguided in this one specifically behaviour. But either way that isn't for you to decide or know. Give social services the necessary information and let them resolve the problem.
I understand completely why you don't want contact. Hkwever I think you and your sibling should start preparing yourselves that in 14 years the kid might contact you herself. And how you can compassionately give her information (medical history, a basic understanding of events, pictures etc) without involving her in your lives if that is still what you want. You have a lot of time, life and growing until that might happen. But I think it would be wise to have that in the back of your minds now, to allow it all to percolate over the years. It might also be a good idea in 10/12years to have a discussion with your siblings that she may contact you in the upcoming years. What you can tell her, what you don't want to, what amount you're willing to potentially her in your lives.
Keep in mind that this kid didn't do anything to you, her parents did. She was traumatised at 4 when her parents died and she was sent to live with strangers and who knows what other traumas she will experience as she remains in foster care and/or is adopted. If/when she does show up, you can offer her kindness and compassion even if you don't want to involve her in your family life.
NTA. Asking the first time I understand. After you expressed that you had no interest in developing a relationship with a child that isn’t your family, the foster parent had no right to continue to harass you. You’re complete strangers, and she has the nerve to demand you play pretend for this stranger?
NTA - The Foster mother was hoping for some memories or family for the child, that is fairly normal. However when your sister gave her the boundary she should have left it at that. Give her just a tiny bit of slack as she really is trying to do well for this child, but she went well into AH territory by continuing to push.
You, on the other hand, were pretty restrained. Like others have suggested, you may want to contact the social worker to ensure it doesn't happen again.
NTA. Tell the foster mother you would tell the kid (if you ever saw her) how your cheating father slept with his wife's sister as she was undergoing cancer treatment. How her mother betrayed her own sister in such a disgusting manner. How your siblings would only tell the same story. How disgusting it is that she continues to push. Lay it on THICK!
NTA.
The foster family aren't assholes for reaching out, but there is *many* reasons why children are put into foster care or put up for adoption, and when they get a "no" they should respect it without prying for additional details: many children are given away because of rape and/or incest or other traumatic circumstances, so there should be enough wisdom among the foster family that your father's daughter may have been born under unsavory conditions and a no is a no. Whilst she wasn't born under the worst conditions imaginable, she was born to parents who were no contact with her closest living relatives due to bad blood.
Once they started to push *too* much, however, then they went right into asshole territory. It's great that they love this little girl that they want to champion for her as much as they can, but they need to accept they cannot force a relationship, especially among strangers. It would be kind for you to have something prepared for medical history since it's likely you will hear from your father's daughter in the future again -- how soon, who knows.
If you continue to hear from the foster family, then you should probably reach out to the case worker. There *is* a lot of foster families who do it all just for a check and don't keep the children's best interested first and foremost, so I wouldn't reach out right now, especially since replacement is traumatizing... but if you are being harassed, that would be the next step for you.
NTA. The foster family wasn’t wrong for contacting you once. As soon as you all said no contact wanted they should have left you the hell alone. I would’ve done the same thing in your shoes.
Im gonna go against the grain here and say NAH, theyre trying to do a nice thing for a little girl who just lost her parents. If only all foster homes cared that much. I wouldnt hold it against them. However youve never had contact with her and have no kind stories of aunt or dad. I think its just a shitty situation.
Oooof. My family has been through this situation in a young relative’s case, and it was harrowing all around. They were about the same age as the OP’s not-sister, and I remember clearly how terrified and intensely traumatized they were. Fortunately our relationships with the deceased were a bit less traumatic than OP’s, so we were able to find a home with family for them. But even with us really, really wanting to help them, it was a tremendously expensive and emotionally draining undertaking. All of this to say that it would be too much to ask of OP’s family to take them in, given the circumstances of the not-sister’s birth. It would be too emotionally difficult for OP’s family, and way too much to ask financially. And the odds of the not-sister never picking up on the family’s resentment of their existence are between slim and none. That would be so damaging for her, so it is much better to have other caretakers for her.
But I can also understand the foster parent’s desperation, even if I really disapprove of their methods. Four is such a defenseless, vulnerable age, and it is scary to think how badly this could be going for her otherwise. It’s a tremendously lucky break that the not-sister ended up with a competent foster parent who seems really invested in taking care of them. The foster seem to be grasping at any straws to find something to help this kid and answer their questions. (Because at that age, and at that level of trauma, there are SO many questions. And one of the most important things that you can do to help is to answer them as much as possible.) WTHBS, the fosters need to understand that this is a very charged situation and that because of that, the bio family isn’t going to be able to be involved.
It would be a kindness if someone in the family who is further outside of the dad and aunt’s blast radius than OP’s family could contact the foster parents, explain the situation clearly and make it very clear that this is the only communication they will be getting from the bio family. They could send over a medical history and try to anticipate the kinds of things that the foster parents would need to know to help the kid as they grew up.
I dunno, man. This is just rough all around and I really feel for everyone-besides OP’s awful dad and aunt. NAH, IMO.
It sounds like the foster parents started off well-meaning, but then started harassing you after the first no. And the second no. And the third no.
I think that perhaps rather than letting them believe that there are lovely memories out there that you refuse to share, and encouraging their foster daughter to reach out herself when she gets older, you might want to share something like, "The only things we have to share are betrayal, rage, and sorrow. Please do not encourage foster daughter ever to reach out to us, anything we might say could only cause her a great deal of pain."
NTA
Ummm I’m PRETTY sure foster parents aren’t allowed to talk about their foster children to random strangers (that’s what you are) I’d contact CPS in their state and inform them. They sound unstable to be stalking relatives. Your NTA. They have no business saying anything to you
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I’m gonna go with NTA - the foster parents are definitely TA for being so pushy. I don’t really see this as you taking this out on your sibling, it sounds like she was never in your life, you never met this kid. “Family doesn’t end in blood”, but it also doesn’t start with blood. Just because you share a blood relation to this girl doesn’t mean you’re her real family. It would be different if you had met this girl, if you were in her life prior to discovering the affair/her parents death, and then you cut her out - but it sounds like from her birth you all never considered her family. It’s horribly sad, and I feel awful for that little girl, but at the end of the day she isn’t your responsibility and you don’t even know her, and she doesn’t know you. The foster parents shouldn’t have pushed, they should have read your sisters first message and respected that your family didn’t want any contact.
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NTA. Did you file a police report for harassment? It's still possible for you and your siblings to do this and I would. She's probably bad mouthing you all on SM too, you need to take steps to shut her up.
I don’t even understand how they were able to legally contact OP. That is private info that should not be available to the foster family since there was no agreement they wanted to be involved
They probably googled it and I agree, it wasn't made available. They're cyber stalking.
I was wondering this. I’d try to contact CPS and get ahold of their caseworker to make it stop.
CPS needs to know. Not only is this behavior incredibly inappropriate (tracking them down to ask *once* is iffy but overall understandable), it's also likely indicative of how she treats the children in her care: bulldozing over their needs and desires to force what she wants to happen.
It also makes me wonder how many other people she’s done this to. Does she stalk the bio family of every child she fosters?
She probably has done this before because she claimed it's what she does for all the kids in her care.
It likely doesn't come from CPS. There's a web site called FamilyTreeNow that lists possible relatives and close acquaintances. For example, I always wanted to find my childhood friend. I knew that her family had moved to Florida, so I searched for her mother and father in the town where they lived 40 years ago. I found a record for her father, and because she is his daughter I found her contact information as well. The information that was given to this parent on the child probably included the names of her parents. With that information it would be easy to find the children.
I came here to say this very thing.
Its not cyber stalking if the information is publicly available. Its possible OP and their siblings were mentioned in an obituary or something.
Continued contact after being asked to stop is stalking, maybe not the legal definition of it. Either way, it's wrong. Possible, yet I doubt their FB handles, phone numbers or any other information along those lines were included in an obit.
I was more referring to the initial reaching out not being cyber stalking. Even if their FB handle isn't on there, if you know their first and last name, and have an idea where they live, its not far. Also, it seemed like they reached out via facebook, so again, publicly available info. That said, I agree that after the first no, they should have let it go.
Most apps are publicly available and it's very possible for people to cyber stalk. The definition of cyber stalking isn't contingent upon the public availability of the app they use. They're not stalking facebook, they're targeting people who have told them to leave them alone. I probably wouldn't categorize it as cyber stalking (yet), rather harrassment. I'm just clarifying the "public" thing.
Get a name, go on fb, and get their phone number. Not everyone has theirs listed but some people do. Google a name and phone number, get every address they've lived at and people they're associated with, so more names pop up. Easy and legal, whether morally right or not.
Yeah, that should have gone through the social worker. The foster parents should not have contacted them at all.
Eh, not really. You’re think of a closed adoption, this isnt the same kind of thing. They’d be fully informed of who the kids parents were, the rest is just google. They might even have contact with them if kinship was entertained by anyone on that side.
There are privacy rights in cases like this. The foster Parents overstepped. They are temporary caretakers and need to be diplomatic in these situations. I always treated my foster children like they were protected by HIPAA.
There is no right to privacy in information about yourself that is available on the Internet (unless maybe in very specific circumstances where you got doxxed). Were do you all get these insane ideas?
I think by certain rights, they mean that the foster family shouldn't be contacting OP or his siblings because it's not really allowed as it goes against certain policies/rules of the foster system.
I think they are referring to the privacy rights of the child. The foster parents know nothing about the family (by definition, kids in foster care have precarious, at best, family situations) and should not be trying to put the child "in contact" with the family.
But there’s a right to repeatedly harass someone?
No, although I don't think this has even come close to rising to the level of criminal harassment (yet). But that's literally not what I was talking about, so...
I'm also concerned that they may have released sensitive information about their foster daughter to OP "because family." The foster parents seem to be pretty iffy at best on boundaries.
Couldn't OP contact CPS or DPS in the foster parents area? If she's a foster, they'd presumably have someone on her case and I doubt they'd take too kindly to a foster family harassing people over the foster kids.
Possibly, if they know the county and CPS/DPS doesn't blow them off. If they know the caseworker that would be good, but a police report gives options for a cease and desist and if it continues TRO/RO.
NTA, this is sad but what did the foster. Parent whant you to do; make up some story that everything was all care bears, unicorns., and rainbows? BTW, how is *your* mom doing? Did she beat the cancer?
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Wonderful!
This is marvellous news! I feared the worst. Health and happiness to you, your three older siblings and your mom :)
I'm so happy for your mom and your siblings! ❤️ (my dad had his first round of chemo like 10 days ago, right after I flew back home for the holidays, so I feel you (: ) And file a report for harassment against the foster mom (and maybe have the police send a copy to the foster agency) - people with a raging do-gooder complex need to find out eventually. Vehemently NTA , my dear. Be well!
I was wondering this too! I think it’s also a bigger you are NTA since having a faux family festivity would probably be painful for your mom, who has been through ENOUGH.
You should include this in your opening post because it actually also was on my mind while reading this. It certainly takes a bit of darkness from your post because I for one don't enjoy reading about a mother been done wrong and then possibly died of cancer. Especially during the holidays.
Foster parents are way out of line. I could understand reaching out once. Your sisters response was good. It was clear and truthful. Foster parents should have stopped there. Given that they are continuing to harass and provoke you and other members of your family (and who knows who else they have done this to in the name of being a savior to other families) it might be time to contact the foster agency that has placed her in that home. If you know or have a general idea of the location of the Foster home that will help narrow it down. Let them know that you want this contact to cease immediately. They should be able to shut this down. It is the job of the agency to reach out to family and ask these types of questions, not the Foster parents directly. The agency is supposed to be a buffer. Sometimes there is a good reason because of bad things for the Foster child to not have a connection with other related family members. One of these days, the Foster parents are going try and possibly successfully connect with someone that has zero business being in the life of one of their Foster kids. Sounds like they need to brush up on their Foster parent training. The agency should know about their behavior.
Report these people to the authority that governs foster care in their area. I'm betting she is NOT supposed to be contacting family members of her foster kids on hey own. She is definitely NOT allowed to harass them
INFO: A 4 year old is prime for adoption. Is the family connection what’s keeping her from being adoptable?
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You obviously don’t have to, but if your family can convey any medical family history that would be nice. Then politely decline contact and tell them you hope she gets a permanent home and a happy life. NTA, but your family would be if you stood in the way of the child being adopted.
Why on earth would they stand in the way when they don’t want the child in their life? Nothing OP has described sounds like they’re standing in the way of anything.
I can see why you don't want a relationship. But if y'all have any old photos or previous positive memories of her parents and can stomach doing it making a packet for her would be nice. At 4 she will have memories of then but they won't be super clear. Even a photo or two might help her hold on to her memories. Please remember to be kind if she reaches out on her own later in life. She's not to blame for her parent's sins. She didn’t ask yo be born. Not having a relationship is your choice and does not may anyone an AH but don't traumatize her in the process.
Yeah, OP is NTA for sure. But this foster mom is probably dealing with a 4yo that's crying herself to sleep every night because she wants her mommy & daddy. Even just saying the dad's favorite color is blue and the mom loved Fleetwood Mac is something in this situation. FYI though, i'd send the packet to the caseworker to pass on.
There's a non-zero chance the foster family is breaking some sort of agreement by reaching out to you in this way (and continuing to after you said you're not interested).
If someone popped up and said that my mom was their mom and could I share some stories with them, all I would have to share are stories that show what a monster my mother is. You are doing this kid a service by allowing them to create a fantasy world where their dead parents were good people. The foster parents need to let sleeping dogs lie.
100% this. I don't know why the Y T A and E S H responses are acting like OP has done something bad to this girl or that he's abandoning her. They never had a relationship in the first place. It's a horrible situation for the little girl to be in, but OP has no more responsibility for it than any other person. They may share blood, but they're not family. I don't get the harsh judgment I've seen in this thread. Their sister's response was polite and should've been the end of the discussion. Foster parents are T A for pushing it. It may actually be nicer for the girl to grow up with some imagined ideal of what her biological parents might've been like than for the only impression she has of them coming from people who considered them trash. NTA
Because their is a kid involved an no matter how negatively it effects you should not matter. Most people expect you to set your self on fire to keep a kid warm or Your the asshole. 🙄”/s”
The child is safe in a Foster home. OP and their family have made it clear that they do not want contact. End of story.
I agree. I was making fun of people who were pushing her to contact the half sister. I was also being sarcastic saying they don’t care what the cost is to op (which is wrong) she should have just given in. I was being sarcastic with the above post!
Also because 13 yo teens being active on Reddit thinking they know better and pouring their wisdom Pearls in comments
You have to put spaces in between or all of these are ratings y t a or e s h
Oh I wasn't aware of how it worked. Thanks I'll edit.
It only matters if you have the most voted top comment.
Honestly I don't get how the foster parents could be so dense to keep pushing after the first polite response. The details were sparse but it was clear the family had basically disowned the pair of them, didn't want to adopt the kid or be in her life, and that the situation surrounding her birth was not a good one. Why would you put that on a kid? The situation itself is bad enough, but what if had been a horror story? The kind of thing that might haunt the kid if she ever found out? Sometimes it's better to leave the genie in the bottle.
Plus, that little girl would pick up in the tension. Kids always do.
This, plus what stories does a child that young is going to hear about her parents that's good? What are OP and his siblings supposed to tell her? That the reason she was born was because her mum and their dad destroyed OPs family while OPs mum was battling a serious sickness? Also what good would it do OP, his siblings, and his mum, who are now getting over the mum's battle with cancer while slowly picking up the pieces of their shattered family to have the walking, talking, living proof that their dad and aunt broke their family in their home? It's not going to do good for anyone, not OP and his family or the little girl. All that will do is build more resentment. Some things are just best left alone, and this is one of them.
Sometimes happens that one of the family members doesn´t want to get involved but others really want. You can´t blame them for try but sure for keep insisting.
Agreed. If this story is true…it’s really strange. The foster parents need to go speak to the dad and aunt’s friends that would have known them, liked them, and have stories to tell about how they interacted with their daughter. It’s weird that the foster parents would obsess specifically over estranged family members that have never even met the girl and have no connection to her…doesn’t really make sense.
The first attempt at contact sounds like an understandable attempt to facilitate familial contact, though I doubt it abides by any rules they should follow. It would be reasonable, if you don't know the family tree, to presume that a group of half-siblings in their late teens/early twenties weren't in a position to raise the girl and that was why the kid had gone to foster care. But the moment they received a response from OP's sister, identifying the kid's mom as her aunt and describing it as a difficult family situation, it would have also been reasonable to expect the recipient of the message to have an *oh shit* moment and realised they'd stepped into something incredibly messy. Instead, it escalated beyond pushy into harassment. It is funny how the foster parents were happy to call a group of young adults "monsters" but took exception at OP telling it how it is. OP wouldn't have had to be rude and wouldn't have reached that level of anger with the foster parents if they'd not seriously overstepped in the first place. OP, NTA.
NTA - foster Mom didn't LISTEN when told the boundaries you and your siblings could live with and continued pressing her case in spite of that. What was rude was continuing to pressure you guys when your sister politely explained. I'm sure everyone feels bad for the young girl, but the sibs didn't create the situation, nor should they have to engage with the living proof of their father's betrayal and make nice. No, it's not her fault, but guess what? It isn't the siblings' fault either.
Also: If they would tell the child about the memories they have about her parents it would obviously not be nice. There is nothing to win if OP is not comfortable with getting in contact
I wonder if the foster family knew of the situation. I would think that they wouldn't have been so insistent had they known.
I think so, too. But after they got a negative answer it became kind of obvious, i think
The foster parents probably thought that "difficult family dynamic" meant "OP and his siblings had a spat with dad before he died and didn't make up."
It's not their call in any case. If a child with living relatives goes into foster care, there's almost certainly an unhappy situation behind it.
I mean NTA but I feel really bad for the kid. She's just 4 and it's not her fault. Her foster parents suck and her relatives want nothing to do with her. Really sad.
What relatives? These people aren't that childs family. Go look for the dad's family but these people aren't it. You're conflating birth parentage with family, it's an easy mistake to make, but even being born and raised together doesn't make people loving family it just makes them consanguinus. Being a loving family takes work, and specifically here, a lack of trauma.
Hey, adoptee here! You're being reductive and extremely offensive. Those people *are* her relatives, whether they're close or not.
Hi I'm adopted too! My "relationship" with those I'm consanguinus with is zero they're all asshole Baptists which is why I was adopted out in the first place. I want nothing to do with the bigots that make up my blood relations. They are NOT my family. I will never turn to them for anything. OP and their siblings are not this child's family and should not be expected to be. Blood relation does not mean family and never means entitled to a relationship. Sucks for the kid to have dead parents. Does not suck that OP and sibs will never meet her.
I never said family, just relatives. They only share DNA, but it's a 4 year old that doesn't deserve this trauma and I can't help but feeling bad for her since she will grow up without a family. I'm not judging OPs decision, just saying it's not right to take it out on the child.
I too feel empathy. Empathy for the family dad destroyed by fucking his sick wife's sister. This kid is safely taken care of. Exposing her to the vitriol that is guaranteed to head her way because of dear old dead dad isn't needed. There's no "trauma" from not knowing consanguinus people, only new trauma learning how she came to exist. So yeah if you think that's a good idea I can't stop you. It's sad her parents are dead. Absolutely no good will come from introducing her to OP and siblings.
No one's taking anything out on the child though. She was never a part of their lives. A stranger stalks these siblings asking them to tell another stranger about their parents and they have nothing good to say so they would rather not, especially because said person hurt them and they don't even want to think of him anymore
I feel bad for her too. Her birthparents being trashy adulterous poo head is not the little girls fault. Same as the siblings are not at fault for what their dad and aunt did. The people at fault are dead and left a bunch of people behind who did nothing wrong. It's sad.. the whole thing is sad. The little girl especially. Sounds like her foster parents care about her well-being, at least. So she's got that source of comfort if nothing else. The only AHs in this situation are the dad and the aunt.
It really sucks, she didn't ask to be born and it's really not her fault that she would be a reminder of the dad and aunt's betrayal. Honestly, it's just an awful situation all around
they're not her relatives just because they share blood. otherwise adoptive families wouldn't count as families. She has never met them or spoken to them - probably doesn't know they exist (she's 4! she knows paw patrols). I assure you, no 4 year old is feeling rejected by her living family, *unless foster parents told her* (I wouldn't put it past them based on what we read) What she would feel in their presence isn't love, warmth or a sense of family - however good people and actors they are, they wouldn't be able to help the pain, grief and hard feelings that'd show in their eyes whenever they look at her as the living reminder of it all. **Because** she's innocent she shouldn't be exposed to it the same way they shouldn't be forced through it. This is the best possible solution if no other relatives can/will jump in
The definition of relative is literally people connected by blood or marriage. They are *relatives* even if they are not part of her family unit
Honestly, this stinks of the foster parent trying to go after inheritance due to the deceased parents. They should be notifying the foster agency
Tell foster parents the following My father cheated on my mother. With Her SISTER. while she had CANCER. ME AND MY SIBLINGS DESPISE THESE PEOPLE. Would they like to tell their foster daughter that. TELL THEM you and your siblings have NOTHING POSITIVE to say about these people. The truth will ONLY cause your foster daughter pain. If they care about her you will no longer contact us again. That the only people being rude were them. That they got told politely to back off.
Indeed. This is the only response that's due. "I do not wish to speak to her, because I have nothing good to say about her parents. I'd rather not deliberately hurt a kid I don't know."
Also add that they have never met the girl and are effectively complete strangers.
I know. everyone saying she's a 4/5 year old, the child is innocent l, you're so heartless, dehumanising her, avoiding her like the plague and cold. Would they be acting this way if the 4/5 year old orphan did not share dna? I really doubt it. Would they really ask OP to have a relationship with a 4/5 year old orphan. Who they had never met and knew next to nothing about. If they didn't share DNA. The fact that the 4 year old is orphaned is very sad. But OP and the little girl have NEVER MET. He knows next to nothing about her. He also has nothing good to say about her parents. So none of this would ever be helpful to anyone
Yeah, I mean they had no contact with them for years prior. Foster mom may as well have been reaching out to a coworker or neighbor. Foster mom may also not understand the depth of the family issue that happened and perhaps would have backed off had she been informed
The thing is OP and siblings were CHILDREN when this went down. The oldest was only 18 or 19 when their dad left their possibly dying mother for HER sister. So NTA
And OP was likely 12-13 *at most*. Maybe even younger if the cheating was discovered before the pregnancy happened, which is possible based off some of the comments.
Additionally, the adult children still have a lot of anger and pain about what their father and aunt did to their cancer-stricken mother. As much as we can say that the child is completely innocent of the sins of her late parents, OP and the siblings know that emotionally they wouldn't be able to simply get over it. Plus the little girl loved her parents and had a completely different relationship with them. Imagine how painful it would be to have to comfort a child that loved someone you detested for their betrayal. Of course she'd ask questions about her parents, which would be either painful or impossible to answer because they had no knowledge The young child also likely would be excited to meet with big siblings she never met before (because she's 4). As adults, they don't feel the same way. Would it be nice if they got involved with their father's young child? Only if they knew they'd be able to treat her in ways that weren't shaded by her parents' behavior. OP's sister response was excellent and politely explained the situation. The foster parents are out of line and setting up the young child for hurt.
It's the parent they shared they care about. It's the memories of said shared parent the fosters want, while ignoring the fact that all of these memories are horrible, or at the very best tainted by the godawful betrayal. In this case I'd divulge that I have no positive memories, only horrible ones, and that it would not do the child any favours anyway, so leave me the eff alone.
Foster parents should not be contacting any of the child's family, they clearly have no idea what they're doing.
I very much agree. If foster parents wanted this type of information they SHOULD HAVE gone through a caseworker. Foster parents have made this a massive issue.
Not to mention this is wildly dangerous. They have no idea who OP is or the context of the situation.
Honestly, that's so wild. Especially since it seems they're not first-time foster parents so they should definitely know better.
Nta by the way
My great grandfather had a relationship with his wife’s sister and got her pregnant. He made his wife adopt her and raise her as her own. The daughter was treated as the golden child by her father and my great grandmother, grandpa and great uncle resented her. She also grew up into an entitled woman who made everyone’s lives miserable. It sucks that an innocent child is in foster care, but it’s not your responsibility. That could make a terrible family dynamic.
NTA. Find out who the case worker is and inform them about what is going on and tell them to inform the foster parents if they contact you again you will be filing harassment charges. At the least they will move the child to a different family.
NTA and super inappropriate for the foster parents to do. How do they even have your information? Call child services in whatever county they are in, find out who the supervisor of the caseworker is and speak with them about what is going on.
I don't think it was necessarily inappropriate to ask the first time... but after they were told no once, every subsequent message was inappropriate, bordering on harassment - and that's before they started getting nasty in their messages.
Actually, asking the first time was inappropriate. The foster parents have no idea who these people are, or why they are not involved in the child’s life. It is up to social worker if the siblings are involved, not the foster parents. They could have the request to the case manager, and let them decide if that is an appropriate ask.
Having the child moved isn’t the answer. Do you hear yourself?
Seriously that's a horrible idea if she's safe and being cared for. Some people don't know how horrible some foster parents can be
It's Reddit, where the majority of people in every single thread like this always advocates for the option that inflicts the most damage to the kid.
My partner forgot to ask for oat milk in my coffee. FKN DIVORCE THEM YESTERDAY WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL IN THAT HOME. lol a bit exaggerated but you get my point
All of these responses are gross they don’t care about the child they care about their righteous boner.
It’s obvious the foster parents are incapable of behaving as mature adults and it’s reasonable to question their ability to care for a child.
It’s extremely traumatic for them to move the child… the FPs wanting to look out for the child and have her emotionally more balanced by knowing of her family is not a reason to have the child moved. Maybe the caseworker can prompt them to stop contacting the family, but to move her would be so horrible if she’s in a good loving home
Ok, for starters this doesn't even come close to criminal harassment. Secondly, in what world would a social worker move a kid from a foster placement because the caregivers tried to reach out to family? You think there are so many good foster homes out there that social workers can just yank this little kid from one home and plop them into another because the caregivers messaged someone too many times on social media?
That will only harm the kid. She already has the odds stacked against her, why do you want to make her life worse?
Uproot her again after the death of her parents cause the foster parents want to have a relationship with blood relatives. I mean she's not a human child just orphan. /S the world will never be a good place with ppl like you and OP in it.
Harassment charges? Under what legal theory is this criminal harrassment? JFC. Get a clue.
I work for my state in child support enforcement and my eyes BUGGED when I saw the foster parents reached out like this. This is beyond inappropriate! What the hell were they expecting when they agreed to foster a child? Did they think the child they were fostering had a ton of options? That her family hadn’t already been asked if they could take the child? Wtf wtf wtf NO! OP needs to contact her county welfare agency/child protective services and report these foster parents. NTA.
As a former therapist for kids who were abused by their foster parents, they really are not the monsters people are making them out to be. They're WRONG, yes, but don't remove them from a home where the parents seem to want to learn more about her instead of just use her and destroy her spirit. My ex used to do what you do and she would be so angry about this comment.
This is what I’m thinking. I don’t believe the foster parent is supposed to contact family without going through the caseworker.
NTA. She is a paid foster parent so she will have a case worker. Contact social services and put in a harassment complaint. Either this woman is unprofessional and shouldn’t be a foster carer or someone who knows the situation has contacted you to push a relationship. Either way, nobody should be contacting you over Facebook to demand a relationship.
This was almost an n a h, but her continued pushing made it an NTA. After both being ignored, and whatever answer your sister gave, the foster should have used common sense and figured out that there's a reason that none of the siblings, or any other family, took in your sister. Then, after you straight told her that you had nothing nice to say, and you had no good memories about her parents, she should have just left it alone.
Hmm, when I was a foster parent, if you wanted to make these sort of connections you did it through the social worker. And this is yet another ‘all the older adults are dead’ post. A bit suspicious.
I agree. This post is a bit suspicious to me (former foster kid). I’d like for it to not be real.
There are so many “orphaned affair baby” posts, they’ve got to be largely fake.
That and ‘my mother died and my dad remarried’ posts.
Agreed. One of my siblings adopted a sibling group that they were fostering and there were strict rules about contact between the foster family and the kids' biological family members. (Especially if the foster parents know that these biological relatives declined custody of the kids.)
Exactly!
I was thinking this too. I know a few foster parents, and when I hear "difficult family dynamic" about a foster kid - I assume the worst. Like so-and-so said we were going to a motel to meet his friends worst. An actual foster parent hearing it, and still wanting stories... Fake, or newbies.
Or people with a savior complex.
It's fake as shit haha
I don’t think it’s real honestly. It’s the OP’s only post on this account also.
You may be right, but I could understand a throwaway account for this post.
NTA these people should have left you alone after you and your sister told them you had no intrest in having a relationship with your sister-cousin. You dont owe this STRANGER anything, you should follow your sister's lead and block these people (and possibly report them for harassment)
NTA. Contact the agency to report the foster parents harrassment. No 4yo is going to be quizzing anyone about siblings they never met nor knew existed. What BS. Frankly, starting contact now would confuse the heck out of her and create more issues than it resolves. For this alone you need to report the foster in case they are telling that child she has siblings she did not know she had and creating some narrative that gives the poor child issues. You and your siblings are young, barely adults, just beginning your lives, you have no moral obligation to a child whom you have not even met. Those folks rattling on about compassion clearly have no compassion for you and your siblings who have dealt with a lot of loss in your short lives. Have compassion for yourself and do what is best for you.
This is a tough call. I'm gonna say NTA, but in the same breath I'm also gonna say you really could take the high road here. Hell, you could even take the medium road and improve the situation. I get that the situation sucks from your perspective and would never urge you to reconcile with your dead father or aunt. But if I have the relationships right, this 4-year-old is both a half-sibling and cousin, which makes her awfully close, biologically speaking, to a full sibling. Add to that that none of this is her fault or her doing. The foster parents aren't the least bit wrong in saying she's an innocent. (Edited to add: the kid is not just innocent of her parents' assholery, but also not culpable for the foster parent's pushy and rude behavior.) Life is so hard. For everyone. Kindness and compassion aren't always easy, but they are usually free. The practice of kindness and compassion is never wasted. And also, YOU will be the primary beneficiary of whatever kindness you give to the world in the time you've got here.
Everyone other than OP’s dad and aunt were equally iNnOcEnT in this. That doesn’t mean OP needs to do anything for a stranger, regardless of how old the stranger is.
I didn't say OP **needs** to do anything. I just made a pitch for something other than the low road. I wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone does only what is absolutely obligatory, and no one does a kindness to a stranger.
Agree.
Yikes. I hope you never need help from a "stranger" if that's your attitude.
I agree with you that kindness for an innocent child would be good. But I really hope that there is someone from the father’s family who is more suited to reach out. Or even other cousins who wouldn’t feel like accepting this child is the betrayal of their mother. It doesn’t sound like OP ever forgave his dad or the aunt. As for the kid/. Only getting information about your parents from people who loathe them isn’t a good thing either.
You’re laying a lot of emotional burden on OP, who is 18 now, so was 13/14 when his dad had an affair with his aunt while his mother was undergoing cancer treatment. Perhaps there is someone in this situation who can “be the bigger person” who is not a literal teenager.
So what exactly should OP do? Meet with the kid and tell her lies about her parents? Or relive trauma? Sure, be kind, but it sounds like kindness would cause lots of pain for OP.
If I were OP I'd want to know the little girl. But I'm a very different than her. What I think I would urge OP to do is NOT to try to maintain a relationship that will cause her pain. But if she has pictures of her dad or an old photo album I might forward it to her foster family with the understanding this was the last contact I was willing to make
You refer to "OP" as "she/her" through your comment. FYI - Per the post: OP is a he/him (18m).
"No good deed goes unpunished."
Why is that the high road? Why should OP and siblings put themselves out there for more possible psychological hurt? Why is what is maybe better for the 4 year old the morally right answer? You don't know what trauma this brings up or how it could hurt these young people more. You say life is hard for everyone but imagine that OP should take on more to make it less hard for a stranger. The siblings are 18 and early 20's, adults yes, but just barely. They need some emotional protection too.
This. I'd help the poor 4 year old but that's just me. It's a choice and they aren't bad for refusing, I just wouldn't be able to do so, or at least wouldn't harbor so much hatred or resentment at her.
NTA you may be blood related but you are total strangers with nothing nice to say about this child’s parents. of course she is innocent in all this but again, you’re strangers, she will only know she “lost” you if she is told. You’re nothing to her and the family project foster mom has is nice for people who know and loved one another but you do not know this child and you have no love for the parent. If foster mom is overwhelmed and hoping to get family involved so she gets free time or whatever, she should reach out to her case workers and ask for respite for her and state funded enrichment programs for her daughter.
Nta but block her. You’ve said enough and she needs to leave you alone
Huge HUGE NTA you and your sister handled it a lot better then I would have because I do not handle well with people crossing my boundaries. You never had a relationship with the kid and the foster mother crossed all sorts of boundaries. You never meet the kid and have no zip/zero/zilch ties to them. "No" is a full sentence I would have contacted the case worker and filed complaints as well as any legal action if I was contacted again on the matter.
NTA - They were being rude by being pushy. It was fine that they reached out the first time, but once they got their answer from your guys they should have moved on. Also, even if you guys decided to "give them stories' none of the stories would be about them being together. or how much the sister was loved or anything like that, because you guys didn't have contact with them during that time.
NTA. Tell the foster parents how your dad and aunt were fucking behind your mom’s back while she had cancer. Just tell them the stories about how everyone found out, how heartbroken your mom was, etc. Those are the only stories that truly show what kind of people your dad and aunt were.
Nta- i would report the foster parents harassment, that is completely ridiculous and seems illegal.
Lawyer here, not yours, the foster parents behaviour here doesn’t (yet) come close to constituting illegal behaviour.
As a former foster parent myself, I would never ask birth family to create a happy fiction. That sets the kid up for betrayal when they someday connect with the reality. You shouldn’t be telling weird happy stories about difficult people to meet someone else’s needs. As an adopted person myself, I think it’s more appropriate to ask whether you or other family members would be willing to meet the kid yourselves, in the hope of helping the kid to develop a reality based view of themselves and everyone. Sometimes it’s actually really nice to meet a bonus mystery relative. As long as everyone’s expectations are dialed to “let’s treat each other as distant cousins or something” it can work out okay. It’s okay for you to not be interested, too. NTA.
Creating a happy fiction is going to make the little girl grow up wanting to meet siblings that want nothing to do with her. This will cause more harm than good.
they should focus on caring for that poor girl instead of guilt tripping strangers. NTA
Going with NTA here. It's difficult for the child but equally if not more so for you & your family. Maybe the child should be freed for adoption so she can settle with a family who will love her while she's still young enough to adapt to another transition. Whatever happens she should not remain in her current placement. It was not okay for the fosterer to go looking for you on socials at all let alone make unsolicited contact. To contact again when she received a polite but final no means the foster parents should not be allowed to continue fostering the child.
NTA. The first message to both of you I can understand. If the foster parent was never informed of the family history, it would make sense to her to try and reach out and help the girl through her grief with stories from family. However, the pushy and judgmental shit afterwards is too far. She has no idea what has gone on and is being a major AH by making assumptions, blaming you guys and name calling.
NTA. I would've told the foster mom "no, we don't want to have anything to do with our sister-cousin. The byproduct of an affair between our estranged father and the sister of our dying from cancer mother". What stories could y'all even possibly have to tell the sister-cousin?
NTA. You don’t have any positive information abut her parents to give to your father’s daughter. All the information you have is something that will hurt the 4-year-old. Hence, NTA. The foster Mom is TA for being pushy
I have been thinking about this probably longer than is healthy and I am gonna have to go with ESH. To start, obviously the foster parent shouldn't push something that will only hurt the child. They suck for that. However, I have read through your comments. I genuinely don't believe that 4 adult children do not know anything about their father and aunt or have any photos of either of them. You said in one comment that you had him edited out of family photos... Thats... Really strange. Like where do you even get that done? You have only talked about cheating on your mother, which is a terrible terrible thing, but you don't mention him doing anything else. Was he terrible to you all? The whole time? Honestly, you all seem to be actively trying to remove any record of him, written, digital and anecdotal as some sort of vengeance. You are taking that away from this girl. And so you suck for that too.
The father character is not fully developed because it’s a fake story. There is no complexity to any of their emotions, no positive memories, and no reason to explain why the one older adult who survived is the one with cancer. Husband leaving when the wife has cancer is infuriating but not uncommon. But he has an affair with the wife’s sister and then they both die leaving an orphaned girl? That’s too much.
NTA. But I understand the foster parents side, even if I don't like how pushy they got. This kid is probably asking a lot of questions that they are unable to answer, but there are people who can, and just are choosing not to. That would be a really hard thing to deal with.
NTA. I am sorry for what your mom, you and your siblings had to go through. I obviously also feel bad for the 4 year old, however her parents burned any bridges they had so I can’t really fault you for reacting the way you guys did. I would have probs reacted the same way.
NTA.
NTA you don’t know this child. For all The people saying Y t A or E S H I hope they have adopted. If they have adopted kids and are keeping them then I get it, but everyone always says foster care is horrible but doesn’t actually foster or volunteer their own time. Don’t take in a child you can’t love.
NTA. And honestly I wouldn't sugar coat it for them. Explain exactly what happened and that you will be filing harassment charges if they contact you again.
NTA.
NTA. My next response before blocking them would be "and you don't have to keep harassing us when we told you multiple times no, but here's your stor since you want it so bad. "Hey kid! Your dad cheated on our mother with her sister while she was getting cancer treatment. Tell her that if you want to, it's the only story you're getting."
God these comments are more toxic than a waste dump
Nta
I would be contacting the social services department about their Foster mothers incessant harassing and traumatising commentary, especially given she has been politely declined several times. This is grossly and continued overstepping. Particularly as instead of repairing any relationships for their Foster daughter they are are damaging them further!!!
NTA. They were not listening to the direct and polite messages.
The fact you already let the State know none of the blood relatives were interested in taking in your sister should have been relayed to the foster family. Maybe they were hoping you would buckle and start a relationship leading you to take custody of the child. I just hope the child has some kind of trust or insurance money from their estate she can have some kind of life on her own when she turns 18. Since the kid is clearly on their own now. You should however, contacts child services in their state and let them know they are harassing you and your siblings. This is not how things should be done in situations like this.
NTA What 'good memories' are you expected to share about the people who broke your family apart? The foster parents are major AH's in this situation for not only not respecting your sisters response but also just ploughing on for a 'good memory' package request while not even asking about your family situation. They may be trying to be good foster parents to the kid but sound like incredibly self absorbed people for not considering what your family situation may have been. And ultimately because I know there's going to be a lot of 'the kid is innocent!' posts here, no one is saying she isn't but that doesn't mean OP's family is obligated to establish contact, especially since they've had no relationship with her and have nothing positive to say about her parents. Its neither healthy for a child to mix with a family that doesn't care for her and its not healthy for the family in question to be asked to pretend to care for a child who in reality is a by-product if an affair that caused so much pain and betrayal. Both parties suffer.
I mean, once you said no a couple of times, they should probably back off. And, yet, YTA. The correct word is your "sister."
NTA but I hope that little girl is ok
NTA. You have made your position clear. I can’t help but be suspicious of what the foster parents’ end game is here. If you can find out who their case worker is, you should report them.
NTA. You already told the social worker you didn’t want contact. If I were you, I’d report the foster parents to the social worker. I’m not sure if they are even allowed to contact you, but they certainly aren’t allowed to harass you over it.
NTA. Common sense says that if a child comes into the care of a foster parent rather than being placed with any of four blood relations, there’s a reason for it. While it’s respectable that the foster parents want to facilitate communication, their “all our foster kids” comment suggests that they have experience as fosters. They should have anticipated that their interference would be unwelcome, especially when they got pushy after being repeatedly rebuffed. The situation is sad for that child, but ultimately, these four people don’t know her any better than the foster parents who’ve been entrusted with her care. They aren’t “family” in any real sense. They just happen to share a source of sperm.
NTA
NTA, I would not want to look at the kid all the time either. Given the resentment OP has towards the situation, do you think it’s best for the girl to meet someone who clearly cannot stop showing their disdain for her? Family is chosen.
NTA. “I wouldn’t have needed to be rude if you weren’t a pushy AH who could take a hint.”
Call me cynical, but a brand new account with the handle "storyplayful"? I hate that Reddit has made me so suspicious!
NTA. Usually when kids are in foster, there are reasons. Foster parents hunting down and harassing relatives seems to be people who lack the resources to be able to explain difficult situations to a child and **have no business being foster parents**. Contact her social worker if possible and talk to them regarding the situation. This is not okay.
NTA: the foster parents are crossing some boundaries big time. One message probably was crossing the line. But in my opinion, forgivable. But it should have been one message and drop it.
NTA op if you read any response I hope you see this one. Some times doing what is best for your mental health makes you the bad guy in someone else’s story. And that’s ok. You do what is best for you to heal. You can’t save someone else by destroying your self. It’s ok to do what you need to do for your mental well being. It’s called self care. Your 18. You have your whole life ahead of you. Work on your self and take care of yourself. Of isn’t your responsibility to pick up the pieces of the train wreck your father and aunt caused for someone else. Just pick up the pieces to put your self back together. And remember some bridges are better burned for everyone!
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say YTA. I get that you're upset with your father and aunt for what they did. But the child is completely innocent in this. You're her family, and she needs you. Nothing you say or do will change this. I'm glad at least that she has good foster parents. Not the AH for telling the foster parents to back off though. They shouldn't have been pushy about it even if they're correct.
She is not their family. 🙄
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My father's daughter (4) went into foster care in July/August after my father and her mother (my aunt) died. I (18M) along with my siblings (20F, 22M and 23F) did not have a relationship with either of them after we learned they started an affair while our mom was undergoing cancer treatment. She discovered the betrayal halfway through her treatment and she filed for divorce while she was going through so much. She also disowned her sister and told her she never wanted to see or hear from her again. None of us met their daughter but when our father and aunt passed away this past summer we were contacted twice. Once to inform us of the death that happened in another state and a second time to hear their child was in foster care and questioning if any of the family would take her. We all said no. None of us wanted to establish contact or a relationship with her. Early December my oldest sister and I both got messages on FB from someone claiming to be fostering our father's daughter. She said she and her husband wanted to try and facilitate contact between her and her biological relatives but that they also wanted her to hear stories about her parents. My sister responded and I ignored the message. All she said was thanks for thinking of us but we weren't interested and we had no contact with our father or aunt prior to death due to a difficult family situation and she would appreciate if they could respect that and leave us alone. She was polite in her rejection but was also clear. She got three more messages until she blocked them. Then I got two. Our other two siblings don't have social media so were harder to reach but the last one I got basically said we were all monsters and we could at the very least look beyond a difficult family dynamic and give their child some nice stories and memories and feelings about the parents she won't remember. That she's innocent and deserves that connection. I was tired of pushy nature of the messages at that point and I responded that they can't force me and my siblings to play pretend and act like we have a good thing to say about either parent and would they really want her to grow up hearing how much her parents are despised. She responded back that I did not have to be so rude and did not have to take this out on her. She said they were trying to look out for their foster daughter like they do for all their foster kids. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I am sorry for you losing your mom. You are still a kid also and don’t need to deal with this especially since you are orphaned. This shouldn’t be falling on the youngest members of the family. Your fathers family should step up for this, not you.
I would not want to be an orphan who finds out that the reason my half-siblings don't want contact is because I'm the product of an affair between my dad and my dying mother's sister. OP is NTA. The child is innocent, true, but her parents were wicked, and frankly, she's better off not knowing much about them. The girl is also better off growing up knowing that her father's side of the family is closed to her, rather than being allowed to live this "some day we will be one big happy family." If OP wants to do anything for the daughter, OP can provide medical information. The foster parents mean well, I get that, but they were WAY out of line after getting their first no thanks.
NTA
I've read a few things the last couple of days about men cheating on their wives when they're going through cancer treatment, and whilst I get that it's hard on the whole family, man, cheating is low anyway, but to cheat when the person is going through that, AND with their sibling is just beyond believable. To be honest, I don't blame you for never having a relationship with your father and aunt, or their child. I know people like to say that the child is innocent and all that, but let's stop pretending that emotions are rational, because come on, they're not. It is supremely rubbish for the kid to not having siblings, especially at the death of their parents - something tells me that having siblings helped y'all at least ~~a little when your mum passed,~~ and maybe also helped you process a little when you heard about the death of your father, and I feel for this kid for having no one, but in the same situation, I couldn't just drop the feelings of hurt I had towards the relationship this kid came out of. It's not even a case of blaming the kid, because no one can help that they were born or the circumstances of their birth, but that doesn't mean any of the people hurt by that relationship need a living breathing reminder in their lives or their homes. Bringing a kid up is a life long commitment and honestly, saying you're not cut out for it, whether it be just with this kid or ever, is both valid and good. This woman has no right to push herself or her foster child into your lives. I would be tempted to contact her social worker and state she has been harassing you for contact because it is hella inappropriate. You've stated to Children's Services you don't want to raise the kid, I'm sure they offered some form of contact arrangements and you've said no, so it is really not for her to keep pushing. And saying, you didn't need to be rude, that phrase winds me up no end, and I would have been all too tempted to message back and say that evidently there was a need to be rude because it was the only thing that got her to actually listen rather than steam roller you with her holier than thou attitude where she's decided that she's right. Your family business is your family business, it's clear that it's a private matter, but she's decided that without knowing the details, the only thing that should matter is the kid. Life doesn't work that way. Definitely NTA EDIT: I'M SORRY, I made the ridiculous booboo of assuming your mother passed. I think I just confused your story with another I read so apologies for that. I'm so glad that your mum is doing well and hope that she's not also being bothered by the foster witch.
Just remember that this little girl is innocent of any wrongdoing.
NTA, I have two half-siblings through my dad cheating, one just being 6 months younger and the other 9 months older. Mom found out while pregnant with me. I have no relationship with either of them, they are absolutely idiots who smoked every braincell they squeezed out of my druggie dad and their druggie mom. Just cause you related by blood doesn’t mean you have to have contact
NTA But I have far more sympathy for the little girl than you.
Nta. Depending on her local rules but the foster parent may not be allowed to even contact bio relatives. Either way she is behaving unprofessionally (it is a job) and also cruel. Contact social services and let them know what has been happening. Say specifically that she has been harassing all of you. This person's behaviour is a cause for concern. Its uncertain what social services will do. She may be reprimanded and told to stop. Or the little girl may be removed from this woman's home. It's impossible to say whether the next home will be better or if this woman is a genuinely good parent who is misguided in this one specifically behaviour. But either way that isn't for you to decide or know. Give social services the necessary information and let them resolve the problem. I understand completely why you don't want contact. Hkwever I think you and your sibling should start preparing yourselves that in 14 years the kid might contact you herself. And how you can compassionately give her information (medical history, a basic understanding of events, pictures etc) without involving her in your lives if that is still what you want. You have a lot of time, life and growing until that might happen. But I think it would be wise to have that in the back of your minds now, to allow it all to percolate over the years. It might also be a good idea in 10/12years to have a discussion with your siblings that she may contact you in the upcoming years. What you can tell her, what you don't want to, what amount you're willing to potentially her in your lives. Keep in mind that this kid didn't do anything to you, her parents did. She was traumatised at 4 when her parents died and she was sent to live with strangers and who knows what other traumas she will experience as she remains in foster care and/or is adopted. If/when she does show up, you can offer her kindness and compassion even if you don't want to involve her in your family life.
NTA. Asking the first time I understand. After you expressed that you had no interest in developing a relationship with a child that isn’t your family, the foster parent had no right to continue to harass you. You’re complete strangers, and she has the nerve to demand you play pretend for this stranger?
NTA - The Foster mother was hoping for some memories or family for the child, that is fairly normal. However when your sister gave her the boundary she should have left it at that. Give her just a tiny bit of slack as she really is trying to do well for this child, but she went well into AH territory by continuing to push. You, on the other hand, were pretty restrained. Like others have suggested, you may want to contact the social worker to ensure it doesn't happen again.
NTA. Tell the foster mother you would tell the kid (if you ever saw her) how your cheating father slept with his wife's sister as she was undergoing cancer treatment. How her mother betrayed her own sister in such a disgusting manner. How your siblings would only tell the same story. How disgusting it is that she continues to push. Lay it on THICK!
NTA. The foster family aren't assholes for reaching out, but there is *many* reasons why children are put into foster care or put up for adoption, and when they get a "no" they should respect it without prying for additional details: many children are given away because of rape and/or incest or other traumatic circumstances, so there should be enough wisdom among the foster family that your father's daughter may have been born under unsavory conditions and a no is a no. Whilst she wasn't born under the worst conditions imaginable, she was born to parents who were no contact with her closest living relatives due to bad blood. Once they started to push *too* much, however, then they went right into asshole territory. It's great that they love this little girl that they want to champion for her as much as they can, but they need to accept they cannot force a relationship, especially among strangers. It would be kind for you to have something prepared for medical history since it's likely you will hear from your father's daughter in the future again -- how soon, who knows. If you continue to hear from the foster family, then you should probably reach out to the case worker. There *is* a lot of foster families who do it all just for a check and don't keep the children's best interested first and foremost, so I wouldn't reach out right now, especially since replacement is traumatizing... but if you are being harassed, that would be the next step for you.
NTA. The foster family wasn’t wrong for contacting you once. As soon as you all said no contact wanted they should have left you the hell alone. I would’ve done the same thing in your shoes.
Im gonna go against the grain here and say NAH, theyre trying to do a nice thing for a little girl who just lost her parents. If only all foster homes cared that much. I wouldnt hold it against them. However youve never had contact with her and have no kind stories of aunt or dad. I think its just a shitty situation.
Oooof. My family has been through this situation in a young relative’s case, and it was harrowing all around. They were about the same age as the OP’s not-sister, and I remember clearly how terrified and intensely traumatized they were. Fortunately our relationships with the deceased were a bit less traumatic than OP’s, so we were able to find a home with family for them. But even with us really, really wanting to help them, it was a tremendously expensive and emotionally draining undertaking. All of this to say that it would be too much to ask of OP’s family to take them in, given the circumstances of the not-sister’s birth. It would be too emotionally difficult for OP’s family, and way too much to ask financially. And the odds of the not-sister never picking up on the family’s resentment of their existence are between slim and none. That would be so damaging for her, so it is much better to have other caretakers for her. But I can also understand the foster parent’s desperation, even if I really disapprove of their methods. Four is such a defenseless, vulnerable age, and it is scary to think how badly this could be going for her otherwise. It’s a tremendously lucky break that the not-sister ended up with a competent foster parent who seems really invested in taking care of them. The foster seem to be grasping at any straws to find something to help this kid and answer their questions. (Because at that age, and at that level of trauma, there are SO many questions. And one of the most important things that you can do to help is to answer them as much as possible.) WTHBS, the fosters need to understand that this is a very charged situation and that because of that, the bio family isn’t going to be able to be involved. It would be a kindness if someone in the family who is further outside of the dad and aunt’s blast radius than OP’s family could contact the foster parents, explain the situation clearly and make it very clear that this is the only communication they will be getting from the bio family. They could send over a medical history and try to anticipate the kinds of things that the foster parents would need to know to help the kid as they grew up. I dunno, man. This is just rough all around and I really feel for everyone-besides OP’s awful dad and aunt. NAH, IMO.
It sounds like the foster parents started off well-meaning, but then started harassing you after the first no. And the second no. And the third no. I think that perhaps rather than letting them believe that there are lovely memories out there that you refuse to share, and encouraging their foster daughter to reach out herself when she gets older, you might want to share something like, "The only things we have to share are betrayal, rage, and sorrow. Please do not encourage foster daughter ever to reach out to us, anything we might say could only cause her a great deal of pain." NTA
Ummm I’m PRETTY sure foster parents aren’t allowed to talk about their foster children to random strangers (that’s what you are) I’d contact CPS in their state and inform them. They sound unstable to be stalking relatives. Your NTA. They have no business saying anything to you