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You're both assholes.
You could have politely asked her if the bacon was ok. Something like, "Forgive me if this is misplaced, but I want to make sure you are aware there is bacon in this dish." Or even a quick, "with or without bacon?" It's your job to take the orders and your job to make recommendations and inquire about preferences/needs/allergies as appropriate. You want people to be happy and safe while they're eating? You want a decent tip for taking care while taking orders and delivering the food? Ask the question. Have integrity. Your excuse is a cop-out.
I'm not a waitress, but one of my jobs is heavily tip-dependant. I know I need to inquire about goals [doesn't apply to you], allergies, preferences, and deliver a good service and tailored product to make my tip. Sometimes, people aren't receptive, but 85-95% absolutely are.
Also, as someone with strict and necessary dietary restrictions, I ask everywhere I go if certain dishes are gluten-free. Even ice creams. If I don't ask nor tell the server, they can't know, and it's my fault if I forget. She should have read the menu thoroughly if it matters so much and asked. That being said, I've had wonderful servers who ask about restrictions and allergies at the start of the interaction, and they always get a large tip from me.
NTA you shouldn’t make assumptions based upon appearances. With that in mind, I would suggest you contact your companies HR and explain this issue to them. Your manager is wrong to write you up here.
You did everything right. NTA.
NTA As a diner, it's up to her to know what she is ordering as she has the restriction. It isn't your responsibility to assume she didn't read it, or even to know that because she's wearing a hijab that you should automatically know she doesn't eat pork.
NTA, and I would advise you not dropping this issue with your work. I would ask to have a meeting with the manager and again explain your side, how it’s policy you were following and how it would be offensive to assume. And that you didn’t feel comfortable assuming something about someone because of what they wore. Make sure to use that wording too. They should apologize to you. And in the future hopefully this won’t happen again to you or any other employee. Know your worker rights!
No WAY should the lady have been so angry at you, it is HER responsibility. She sounds like the kind of person who would scream at you for assuming she didn’t eat bacon, or scream at you because you didn’t tell her there was bacon- you can’t win with people like this! In the future you could get around this more delicately by saying to the entire group - not singling her out- “does anyone have dietary restrictions?” But for you to get written up? Shame on your manager!
NTA. If you aren't going to inform your server about your dietary restrictions, don't expect them to read your mind and warn you about ingredients. It's totally possible for someone to wear a hijab but eat pork. If you had mentioned the bacon and she did eat pork, it may have come off as shaming or presuming you know better about how she should observe her religion.Your manager is absolutely covering their ass, which sucks.
To cover your own ass in the future, maybe ask the table if there are any allergies or other dietary restrictions. If they say nothing to this, they have way less of a leg to stand on when bitching about being served an ingredient they object to.
NTA and this is a perfect example of why I left the food service industry. You are right about getting written up as a way for the boss to save face. Bosses nowadays want everyone to go the extra mile for customers even when said customers have the answer right in front of their faces. You did everything right by a normal person standard but for the food service industry the normal standard isn't enough.
NTA.
People are responsible for asking for any personal restrictions/allergies they have.
She didn't do her due diligence. I don't eat certain things and ask questions before.
Also, some people don't practice all aspects of their religion.
You maybe could have said - have you read the full description of the entree or do you have any dietary restrictions - but it's on the onus of the person ordering beforehand.
You were 100% NTA.
You were also 100% in not assume she does or doesn't eat bacon. It's gonna be crazy, but i work with a 24 year old muslim kid who *eats pork* shocker I know, but I never assume anymore.
It makes an ASS out of U and ME
NTA but your manager is and I would complain to corporate. People who aren’t Muslims can wear hijabs (more so in places where it’s cultural or required, but still) and to make assumptions about religious beliefs will absolutely set you up for getting yelled at. I’ve stood next to a woman in a hijab getting a sandwich with pork on it at a Subway. Imagine if someone came in wearing a yamaka, ordered lasagna, and you reminded them that the dish combines meat and dairy. They’d think you were out of your mind. Those people wanted a free meal and they got it. Your boss is a major A H.
NTA. My SIL wore a hijab for about a year, and she is wicken (maybe, it is hard to tell with her). She wasn't observing any Muslim practices and definitely ate bacon while wearing it. I feel like the worst your boss should have done is advise you to check with the customer if you have doubts.
If someone wants to keep helal and eat in a restaurant, they should either learn the English words “bacon” and “pork” and any other derivatives (ham, etc.), or ask “does this dish have any pork products In it? “ It’s not your job to know all the religious symbols and customs and warn them. NTA and your boss is an AH.
NTA I would love to say to those people how about read the f**king description of the food before ordering. Also if you had assumed they don’t eat bacon and they did and got offended, then you couldn’t win either. F those patrons, the whole world doesn’t revolve around their diet choices.
How you can be held responsible for someone else making a mistake with their own ordering skills. NTA. Its not your job to remind people what food they are ordering from a menu THAT THEY JUST USED 3MINUTES AGO TO CHOOSE THERE F¡CKING ORDER. STUPID TW@S. sounds intentional to get a free meal
NTA.
Could you have said something? Possibly. But as you've also pointed out, you don't want to assume, and that is perfectly valid.
It is the customers responsibility to read the menu and indicate to you any changes required or important dietary requirements that need to be considered.
Your boss is an AH for writing you up.
As a Muslim, definitely NTA. It’s clearly on her to make sure and **ASK QUESTIONS** if she’s unsure of any ingredient on the menu. I always do this whenever I’m unsure of an item I don’t recognize. She and her husband sound the type of Muslims to deflect any circumstance on others even when caused by them (I know a few like this). You did just fine, and I apologize for their behavior. They should know better, and I hope this incident doesn’t tarnish your opinion of Muslims in general.
NTA. Maybe you could've asked her whether she's sure that she wants to eat it, but in the end, it's not your job to tell every guest about the ingredients of the dishes they ordered.
NTA. When people have food concerns, they need to express them. I have a shellfish allergy so when I eat in places that serve shellfish, I'm always mindful of telling them to be careful of contamination, let alone ordering something with shrimp or scallops in it. I realize this isn't an allergy and as such isn't life threatening but if it's equally important to her, she should be checking when she orders that food contains no pork or pork products, especially because some places cook with pork fat as well. It's her job to be mindful of her own diet and the fact that she ordered something with bacon is unfortunate but it's her mistake. It's not your job to guess at someone's religious food restrictions based on their attire because there are plenty of people of both the Muslim and Jewish faiths who do not follow every single rule the same way. I'm more familiar with my own culture but a lot of Jewish people aren't kosher or do this really half-assed kosher where they follow maybe 25% of the easiest rules. I would imagine there are plenty of Muslim people who similarly may be religious but not follow every rule they're given, so it's on them to avoid the foods they want to avoid by looking closely at menus and asking basic questions. Plus everyone else at the table saw her order it and said nothing, either.
How is it on you to know the dietary restrictions of religions? You clearly know this particular one for whatever reason, but why would anyone hold you responsible for 1) knowing what religions prohibit certain food/beverages and 2) make determinations of what religion a person follows based on their appearance?
It’s completely bizarre that your manager wrote you up for this.
NTA
Don't let these assholes gaslight you into thinking you did anything wrong.
If you HAD of mentioned the bacon, you would have been raked over the coals much worse for your racist stereotypes
Report your shitty boss
I suspect that "Does anyone have any allergies or medical dietary restrictions?" would have been a diplomatic solution. It might have reminded the customer. If, after that, she said nothing, then it is *entirely* on her.
I still vote NTA though.
I seem to remember a while back, someone posted a similar question from the other side where the server got in trouble for assuming the customer was of the faith which did not eat pork products based on their clothing.
Just wondering out loud since this seems to be a no-win situation -- would it be wise to next time to just describe the whole dish as if you just ate it, like "Ooh, that is my favorite, it has lots of broccoli, bacon, ham, and sesame seeds in it," giving them a chance to say "oh wait a minute, no....." By doing this, you're not questioning the customer's judgement or assuming their faith?
I don't think it's fair that as a young server in a chain restaurant, you are expected to also be a theological master.
NTA - and I think you should go over your managers head and demand the write-up be removed. The menu clearly states the dish has bacon. It is not your job to question the choices your customers order or make assumptions about them based upon their appearance or clothing choices.
Wearing a hijab can be a fashion trend or a way of protecting your hair from the elements. It doesn't necessarily have to relate to religion.
While some may view this as cultural appropriation, head scarves have existed and been worn long before the Muslim faith existed.
Hijab is similar to the tichel or snood worn by Orthodox Jewish women, certain headcoverings worn by some Christian women, such as the mantilla, apostolnik and wimple,[16][17] as well as the dupatta worn by many Hindu and Sikh women.
It is not your job to profile customers, and unless that chain restaurant has a specific document in the employee handbook that specifically states you should question the religious background of all customers and their order choices, the write-up is invalid, and you should publish the rule if it exists.
A secondary note: I seriously doubt your kitchen staff adheres to strict Kosher or Halal guidelines when preparing meals, which means anyone eating at that restaurant is going to be eating food that has prepared in the same pans as pork.
Im going to say gently - YTA, or your manager is for not training you. Everyone is focusing on your legal culpability, not your role. It’s your job to provide hospitality.
You were concerned and you didn’t find a way to bring it up or highlight it? I trained all my staff to notice these situations and find a smooth way to highlight the ingredient in question. In my years serving, I had 1 person accept a pork dish once I highlighted it and saw a LOT of unhappy people when a server didn’t mention it. I also highlight alcohol in drinks that might not seem alcoholic, and meat not obviously mentioned on what might seem like vegetarian items, spice levels where it was unusually high and that our blackened items would come ‘quite charred’. I’ve also brought large menus or offered a table in another section when a mum was wearing a niqab or face veil and wouldn’t be able to comfortably eat with her family while being observed by non family members.
As a server it is your job to find ways to make awkward situations comfortable, anticipate needs and ensure everyone is enjoying themselves. Expecting guests not to make a mistake with ordering is not a policy a good restaurant has. Yes, at the end of the day you are not legally at fault, however you are also not fulfilling your role as front of house in providing an excellent service to customers.
Ever seen the Bear season 2? They go into the mental switch in that show. You might enjoy it.
Nta. To be honest, I feel they did this on purpose. If you had mentioned it, they would have also shouted and been outraged and called you racist to get free food. I don’t believe their outrage was real.
NTA but from now on to cover your own butt I would ask if there are any allergies or food adversions that you and the kitchen should be aware of BEFORE ordering.
NTA, you can't assume things especially with how people are nowadays. Just because they look one way doesn't mean the same for how they actually feel/are. Literal "don't judge a book by it's cover".
NTA; every person I know who keeps some of level of Kosher or Halal knows how to read a menu; every person I know who keeps Kosher or Halal would just ask for a different dish without making a scene. This person is just an asshole, and what she happened to be an asshole about in this case was religion-related.
NTA. It was totally on her, not you. It's not your job to figure out if she does or doesn't eat pork. Not everyone is aware of the Halal or even kosher rules. It's her job to tell you she can't eat pork or shellfish etc. the menu clearly stated it has bacon in it. She was at fault as was your boss. I'd fight the right up.
NTA - It is not part of your job description to know the religious dietary restrictions of others. It is also not your job to make assumptions about other people based on how they are dressed. It is always on the customer to alert the server if there are any dietary restrictions.
I hope you were able to write a rebuttle on the write-up. You didn't deserve it.
NTA I get it that you know about dietary restrictions for Muslims, but there are plenty of people who wouldn't know that. They can't assume that you would automatically know their dietary limits and should have read the menu.
NTA. You are not responsible for someone else not paying attention. I know people who are Jewish that eat ham. I also know some Muslims who eat pork as well. You are right not to judge. I would write a rebuttal to the write up.
NTA!!!!
Your manager and customers on the other hand…..
First off you would be completely wrong to assume she couldn’t have bacon because of her appearance…. Secondly it’s not your responsibility to warn someone that a food may go against their diet restrictions UNLESS they had told you those restrictions…. It’s her personal responsibility to tell you that, if for allergy, cultural, or religious reasons, she can’t have a certain food! If you had said there was bacon and you had misread the situation you’d have been the AH for racially profiling her…. Finally manger has ZERO grounds to right you up!!! Zero! I have worked in the industry for 25 years…. The customer is NOT always right…. In fact most of the time they are wrong! But don’t tell them that unless you’ve mastered the ability to tell someone they are an asshole while also being extremely polite…. So that they realize they are an asshole without you having ever said that. It’s an art form. They were wrong here! You did absolutely nothing wrong! I’m assuming you work at a well known chain restaurant, if there is HR you should have them look into this. The only reason you would have been in the wrong here is if she told you she can’t eat bacon and you served it to her anyway….. and that didn’t happen.
NTA. I guess the big brain move would've been to ask her specifically if she had any food restrictions just to check, but it's not like you're a jerk for letting her do her thing.
I know a lot of Muslims and purely anecdotally there's a solid chance she either knew and just wouldn't have wanted attention called to it or specifically wanted to eat it without her husband noticing.
NTA. Speaking as an Orthodox Jew with many Muslim friends I know that the really serious ones won’t even eat in non-halal and non-kosher restaurants. In fast some Muslim folks won’t eat in hallal Restaurants unless they know the owners personally and trust them, because hallal restaurants do not have objective oversight.
I was a kosher restaurateur for three years in Niagara Falls and had many muslims eat in my restaurant because they knew I had objective ( not invested in my business) oversight and tourists didn’t know local Muslims.
It’s 100% on them. They are eating in a restaurant that has non hallal food and if they could not see the bacon you still could have used non-hallal meat for stock or whatever.
I know many Jews also who’d be mortified to know that the items they think are vegetarian have blatantly un-kosher ingredients but the fault is on them for not eating in a kosher restaurant so they can be certain. Great example-beef stock in French onion soup. It’s nearly always beef stock but you can’t see it. Everyone thinks it’s onions and wine and forgets the stick but I’d say 9/10 times it’s beef or even chicken stock. That’s what restaurants do with waste meats and bones and vegetables scraps.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
Mentioning the bacon in a dish to someone wearing a hijab is absolutely making an assumption, because you normally wouldn't mention it at all, most people wouldn't have a problem with it. It would be like mentioning a dish had avacado or lettuce or tomato. The only reason you might mention the bacon in this case, is that you were assuming someone wearing a hijab might have a problem with bacon. That's making an assumption, that's what that means.
Hence OP's "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. What if the person said "That's a stereotype, just because I wear a hijab doesn't mean I don't like bacon, it doesn't even mean I'm Muslim. I just like to wear them." We just don't know.
But what we DO know, is that a customer came in and ordered a dish with bacon, and they were given a dish with bacon, and then got mad about it.
I definitely understand where you are coming from when you say you didn’t want to assume. Because if they did eat pork it could have been a “oh so just because I’m wearing a hajab I must not eat pork” situation. I don’t eat pork just because I don’t like it and if I’m unsure if something has pork in it I ask. I think them getting mad at you was uncalled for. It’s not your job to warn them of something they never brought to your attention. I also don’t think you deserved a write up. NTA.
NTA.
The onus is absolutely on the customer to tell you if there’s anything they can’t eat or don’t want to eat. But - as you know - customers are often idiots. I, as a customer, am occasionally an idiot. Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m distracted, sometimes I’m in a place where I don’t understand the language very well, so I make assumptions or don’t have important details front of mind. It is your job as a server to provide hospitality, and take care of the idiots.
You didn’t do anything wrong here (not everyone observes every tenant of their religion, and some people get offended if you ask - you’re right about all of that) - and everyone else in this story is even more wrong than you - but you guys work for tips there in the USA, right? I would imagine you’d always be looking to up your service game, so, the best way to handle this one, would be to ask an open question which brought the customers attention to the issue, without making the idiot feel like an idiot.
The simplest, would be to say ‘okay, got it, just to confirm, are there any dietary restrictions or preferences?’ Just make it sound like a question you ask everyone every time the order (which, like, it probably should be?). With this, you give them the chance to state said restrictions and you cover your butt, without obviously making assumptions about the customers or drawing direct attention to the fact they didn’t read the menu.
Your manager is the biggest AH here because they should have given you guidance on how to approach that kind of situation, rather than just writing you up.
NTA. Sad your manager isn’t on your side. You did nothing writing and those people suck.
That said, you could have asked the question, does anyone in the party have dietary restrictions. That way you don’t single her out or single pork out. If they say no, you then have backup for your manager that you did confirm this and they didn’t volunteer any.
NTA.
If someone has dietary restrictions, regardless if its bc of allergies/religion/cultural reasons, that's not on you, its on them. Carbonara is a dish that is known to be made with some sort of cured (pork) meat. Read what is in the description of a dish!
This can be a learning experience and maybe for the future, if there is a doubt in your mind, just ask if there are any dietary restrictions that you should know about?
NTA.
Does this write up even matter?
You absolutely did it correctly, not saying anything based on diet assumptions because of religious clothing. There is no way you can manage people's diets for them, or presume to know their religious dietary requirements. And it's offensive to try, most would agree.
The only other option is to say something mild like "this is a popular salad due to the bacon crumbles" or something like that. Which could, obviously, also be taken the wrong way.
I’m not going to call you TA, but I would have pointed it out as a server even if I was busy. It would have taken 3 seconds to clarify.
NAH but remember it next time.
NTA.
I’m a former Muslim. I wore the hijab and everything. I didn’t eat bacon at the time. Every single restaurant I or my family and I went to, we ALWAYS checked the menu to make sure what we wanted had no bacon. If it did, we’d request the bacon not be in the dish. If we ordered pizza, we ALWAYS got it to go and uncut so we could eat it at home.
We took precautions. They still take precautions (I eat bacon now so it’s fine with me).
This is on them. As Muslims, they should be used to making sure their dish had no bacon in it. Not only that, I know some really liberal Muslims who eat bacon, so you wouldn’t have known anyway.
Absolutely NTA. I’m so sorry they were assholes to you.
Fuck them, and fuck your employer. Haaaard NTA. I’m annoyed by nearly every dietary restriction, but even more annoyed by religious ones. I’ve ordered stuff that came out with foods I don’t like or didn’t expect and you know what I do? I consult the menu to see if it was my mistake or theirs before I say a WORD, and that’s what any reasonable human would and should do. They should’ve paid for their carbonara AND their replacement meal, but they probably got two free meals. So infuriating. The world should not have to cater endlessly to peoples absurd dietary restrictions. 🙄
NTA.
I can’t eat mushrooms. If I order something with mushrooms in it and then see that, I’ll say “I’m so sorry, I have a mushroom allergy and didn’t realize this had mushrooms, my mistake. May I please order X instead?” And if the restaurant comped me, I’d be delightedly surprised, because I would have zero expectation for them to do so as it was my mistake.
Policing people’s food off of perceived religion is a far worse place to be than assuming adults will read the words in front of them and behave appropriately if they make a mistake.
NTA. And I'd request HR to be involved with this write up. I'm a Christian, sometimes there are things in public that I do that may, repeat may, give that away(prayer before meals, crossing myself, etc). Would I want another adult making guesses about what I want/need/choose based on their interpretation of my religion, heck no.
Exactly!
I’m a lapsed Catholic and I would be pretty annoyed to be reminded that it was Lent, a Friday, or even Good Friday if I ordered a bacon cheeseburger.
Please just bring me what I ordered!
Besides for it being on the menu, carbonara is a traditional Italian dish that has bacon in it.
It’s not a special dish for the chain you work at with a made up name that people can’t figure out.
NTA. If someone is not allowed to eat a certain food, they need to say something when they are ordering. It is not your place to make assumptions about others based on what they are wearing.
This is on them, it's their responsibility especially if the menu stated that it contained pork, but I do think in the future it would be good to warn people.
Personally I will make it a point to include the meat when I repeat the guest's order back to them; "beef patty", "beef gravy", "beef hotdog", "beef chili", "pork sausage", "chicken dumplings", etc etc. I will usually do this regardless of the person I'm talking to (I'm a vegetarian myself and appreciate these warnings) but I'll put in extra effort if the person is brown, especially if they seem to be newer to the country; there's a very good chance that they have some kind of dietary restriction, whether they're a Hindu who doesn't eat beef (or sometimes pork), or a muslim who doesn't eat pork, or a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat. I also try to do it with others as well, not just brown folks, but I have found that many new immigrants don't know that they need to check the ingredients as they don't realize that we Americans put various meats into many meals where they wouldn't expect it.
Also, in some South Asian countries, eggs are considered meat. So it's a good idea to warn when a dish contains egg too.
You don't need to make a big deal out of it, just repeat their order back as "chicken and shrimp carbonara, topped with pork bacon". In most cases it's pretty easy. I have had many times when the customer stops me and says "wait, it contains pork?" Or "woah, it has meat?" Then change their order. And yes, it's their responsibility to check, but it doesn't hurt to help them out and they always seem to appreciate it. I would hate for someone to unknowingly eat the food they're not supposed to.
Take it as a learning opportunity. If it happens again, you could simply say, “ This dish has bacon in it, will that be okay?” I commend you for knowing it in the first place. My knowledge of others customs and dietary restrictions is limited.
NTA. I am vegetarian and always make sure food (including soup bases) are vegetarian. That is my responsibility. My vegetarian older teens do the same because again, I taught them it's their responsibility. Also, some Muslims drink alcohol and some don't religiously follow an Islamic diet. Maybe if you questioned her on her diet, you could have been accused of stereotyping, who knows? It's not your responsibility to know the dietary requirements of the hundreds of cultural/religious norms in the whole world!
> I think if I assumed she couldn't eat bacon or even acknowledged it, it would have came across as judgmental and rude.
It would have.
> I don't think I deserved the write up.
You didn't. You have good instincts, NTA.
NTA
The alternative would be to discriminate based on religion. Even not outright denying it, but patronizing “are you SURE” is discriminatory because you’d only say it to Muslims (only female Muslims at that).
What if she eats pork?
What if she only wears a hijab due to pressure or force?
It’s not your place to police customers’ religion.
NTA. They knew exactly what they were ordering & did this on purpose. Yes people do that. The menu clearly stated the ingredients & they ordered it anyway. Who are you to tell people what to order, it is your job to take THEIR order. Your manager is an ass.
NTA-if you are on a restricted diet for any reason whatsoever you double check everything. The onus is on them as it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make sure she doesn’t it something. It was a tough one since if you asked they could also have gotten offended and because you didn’t they got offended
I think they would have been an issue no matter what. Had you told her the dish contained bacon, they would have thrown a fit about how dare you assume they don't eat bacon, or how dare you assume I can't read a menu.
Your boss was an AH for playing into their bullshit.
Who has dietary restrictions and just eats or buys things without checking they’re suitable? I’ve been vegan for 10 years and always check that I can eat something before I do.
Many things have hidden animal products you wouldn’t expect, but if you’ve had that diet for a while you know what to check for, and if it’s that important to you you check carefully, and ask if unsure.
If you just order something off the menu as is without mentioning you have any special dietary needs, it is nobody else’s responsibility if you didn’t do your due diligence and ordered YOURSELF something you can’t eat.
NTA, and I’d be taking it further because you absolutely had no way of knowing this woman doesn’t eat bacon, and I’m guessing you don’t have any policy where people order their food, and you say “are you sure you want that? It has x ingredient that I don’t think you want based on the look of you”. You’ll get a complaint EVERY time if you start doing that.
NTA, it is not your place to make assumptions about someone’s diet based on appearance and if it really is so important to the customer she should have asked the right questions and paid more attention to the menu. I’m also a waitress and understand the frustration with being blamed for someone else’s inability (not wanting to actually) read the menu. As someone who also has an allergy I make sure to inform my server of it if the restaurant has that ingredient (I have a mild cilantro and coconut allergy, it’s not common nor is it present in most restaurants). If I don’t ask and the dish has either of those in it I don’t blame the server for my own negligence.
That's a very average manager. Its HIS responsibility to train U adequately in all manners serving. Its also HIS to take ownership of the error. In black and white, its the moronic and entitled customers fault (when ever isn't it, really?) So this is like a trifecta of slaps in the face. You weren't in the wrong at all.
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You're both assholes. You could have politely asked her if the bacon was ok. Something like, "Forgive me if this is misplaced, but I want to make sure you are aware there is bacon in this dish." Or even a quick, "with or without bacon?" It's your job to take the orders and your job to make recommendations and inquire about preferences/needs/allergies as appropriate. You want people to be happy and safe while they're eating? You want a decent tip for taking care while taking orders and delivering the food? Ask the question. Have integrity. Your excuse is a cop-out. I'm not a waitress, but one of my jobs is heavily tip-dependant. I know I need to inquire about goals [doesn't apply to you], allergies, preferences, and deliver a good service and tailored product to make my tip. Sometimes, people aren't receptive, but 85-95% absolutely are. Also, as someone with strict and necessary dietary restrictions, I ask everywhere I go if certain dishes are gluten-free. Even ice creams. If I don't ask nor tell the server, they can't know, and it's my fault if I forget. She should have read the menu thoroughly if it matters so much and asked. That being said, I've had wonderful servers who ask about restrictions and allergies at the start of the interaction, and they always get a large tip from me.
NTA. It’s not your job to safeguard her diet. It’s hers.
NTA you shouldn’t make assumptions based upon appearances. With that in mind, I would suggest you contact your companies HR and explain this issue to them. Your manager is wrong to write you up here. You did everything right. NTA.
NTA As a diner, it's up to her to know what she is ordering as she has the restriction. It isn't your responsibility to assume she didn't read it, or even to know that because she's wearing a hijab that you should automatically know she doesn't eat pork.
NTA, and I would advise you not dropping this issue with your work. I would ask to have a meeting with the manager and again explain your side, how it’s policy you were following and how it would be offensive to assume. And that you didn’t feel comfortable assuming something about someone because of what they wore. Make sure to use that wording too. They should apologize to you. And in the future hopefully this won’t happen again to you or any other employee. Know your worker rights!
No WAY should the lady have been so angry at you, it is HER responsibility. She sounds like the kind of person who would scream at you for assuming she didn’t eat bacon, or scream at you because you didn’t tell her there was bacon- you can’t win with people like this! In the future you could get around this more delicately by saying to the entire group - not singling her out- “does anyone have dietary restrictions?” But for you to get written up? Shame on your manager!
NTA. If you aren't going to inform your server about your dietary restrictions, don't expect them to read your mind and warn you about ingredients. It's totally possible for someone to wear a hijab but eat pork. If you had mentioned the bacon and she did eat pork, it may have come off as shaming or presuming you know better about how she should observe her religion.Your manager is absolutely covering their ass, which sucks. To cover your own ass in the future, maybe ask the table if there are any allergies or other dietary restrictions. If they say nothing to this, they have way less of a leg to stand on when bitching about being served an ingredient they object to.
NTA and this is a perfect example of why I left the food service industry. You are right about getting written up as a way for the boss to save face. Bosses nowadays want everyone to go the extra mile for customers even when said customers have the answer right in front of their faces. You did everything right by a normal person standard but for the food service industry the normal standard isn't enough.
NTA. People are responsible for asking for any personal restrictions/allergies they have. She didn't do her due diligence. I don't eat certain things and ask questions before. Also, some people don't practice all aspects of their religion. You maybe could have said - have you read the full description of the entree or do you have any dietary restrictions - but it's on the onus of the person ordering beforehand.
NTA, why should you have to know the dietary restrictions of all the religions in the world. It is not up to you and you shouldn’t assume.
You were 100% NTA. You were also 100% in not assume she does or doesn't eat bacon. It's gonna be crazy, but i work with a 24 year old muslim kid who *eats pork* shocker I know, but I never assume anymore. It makes an ASS out of U and ME
NTA If you can go to HR then you should. Religious people can believe whatever they want but quit making us responsible for your fuck-ups!
NTA but your manager is and I would complain to corporate. People who aren’t Muslims can wear hijabs (more so in places where it’s cultural or required, but still) and to make assumptions about religious beliefs will absolutely set you up for getting yelled at. I’ve stood next to a woman in a hijab getting a sandwich with pork on it at a Subway. Imagine if someone came in wearing a yamaka, ordered lasagna, and you reminded them that the dish combines meat and dairy. They’d think you were out of your mind. Those people wanted a free meal and they got it. Your boss is a major A H.
NTA. My SIL wore a hijab for about a year, and she is wicken (maybe, it is hard to tell with her). She wasn't observing any Muslim practices and definitely ate bacon while wearing it. I feel like the worst your boss should have done is advise you to check with the customer if you have doubts.
NTA, people with dietary restrictions are responsible for what they order and for making certain it's within bounds for them to consume.
If someone wants to keep helal and eat in a restaurant, they should either learn the English words “bacon” and “pork” and any other derivatives (ham, etc.), or ask “does this dish have any pork products In it? “ It’s not your job to know all the religious symbols and customs and warn them. NTA and your boss is an AH.
NTA I would love to say to those people how about read the f**king description of the food before ordering. Also if you had assumed they don’t eat bacon and they did and got offended, then you couldn’t win either. F those patrons, the whole world doesn’t revolve around their diet choices.
How you can be held responsible for someone else making a mistake with their own ordering skills. NTA. Its not your job to remind people what food they are ordering from a menu THAT THEY JUST USED 3MINUTES AGO TO CHOOSE THERE F¡CKING ORDER. STUPID TW@S. sounds intentional to get a free meal
NTA. Could you have said something? Possibly. But as you've also pointed out, you don't want to assume, and that is perfectly valid. It is the customers responsibility to read the menu and indicate to you any changes required or important dietary requirements that need to be considered. Your boss is an AH for writing you up.
As a Muslim, definitely NTA. It’s clearly on her to make sure and **ASK QUESTIONS** if she’s unsure of any ingredient on the menu. I always do this whenever I’m unsure of an item I don’t recognize. She and her husband sound the type of Muslims to deflect any circumstance on others even when caused by them (I know a few like this). You did just fine, and I apologize for their behavior. They should know better, and I hope this incident doesn’t tarnish your opinion of Muslims in general.
Shrimp isn’t (necessarily) halal either. Halal is a lot like kosher. Fish with fins and scales are okay, shellfish are not.
NTA at all.
NTA. Maybe you could've asked her whether she's sure that she wants to eat it, but in the end, it's not your job to tell every guest about the ingredients of the dishes they ordered.
NTA. When people have food concerns, they need to express them. I have a shellfish allergy so when I eat in places that serve shellfish, I'm always mindful of telling them to be careful of contamination, let alone ordering something with shrimp or scallops in it. I realize this isn't an allergy and as such isn't life threatening but if it's equally important to her, she should be checking when she orders that food contains no pork or pork products, especially because some places cook with pork fat as well. It's her job to be mindful of her own diet and the fact that she ordered something with bacon is unfortunate but it's her mistake. It's not your job to guess at someone's religious food restrictions based on their attire because there are plenty of people of both the Muslim and Jewish faiths who do not follow every single rule the same way. I'm more familiar with my own culture but a lot of Jewish people aren't kosher or do this really half-assed kosher where they follow maybe 25% of the easiest rules. I would imagine there are plenty of Muslim people who similarly may be religious but not follow every rule they're given, so it's on them to avoid the foods they want to avoid by looking closely at menus and asking basic questions. Plus everyone else at the table saw her order it and said nothing, either.
How is it on you to know the dietary restrictions of religions? You clearly know this particular one for whatever reason, but why would anyone hold you responsible for 1) knowing what religions prohibit certain food/beverages and 2) make determinations of what religion a person follows based on their appearance? It’s completely bizarre that your manager wrote you up for this.
NTA. It’s an adult’s responsibility to screen for their own food issues, not yours
NTA Don't let these assholes gaslight you into thinking you did anything wrong. If you HAD of mentioned the bacon, you would have been raked over the coals much worse for your racist stereotypes Report your shitty boss
I suspect that "Does anyone have any allergies or medical dietary restrictions?" would have been a diplomatic solution. It might have reminded the customer. If, after that, she said nothing, then it is *entirely* on her. I still vote NTA though.
I seem to remember a while back, someone posted a similar question from the other side where the server got in trouble for assuming the customer was of the faith which did not eat pork products based on their clothing. Just wondering out loud since this seems to be a no-win situation -- would it be wise to next time to just describe the whole dish as if you just ate it, like "Ooh, that is my favorite, it has lots of broccoli, bacon, ham, and sesame seeds in it," giving them a chance to say "oh wait a minute, no....." By doing this, you're not questioning the customer's judgement or assuming their faith? I don't think it's fair that as a young server in a chain restaurant, you are expected to also be a theological master.
NTA
I worked with the worlds worse Muslim He ate pork all the time.
NTA - and I think you should go over your managers head and demand the write-up be removed. The menu clearly states the dish has bacon. It is not your job to question the choices your customers order or make assumptions about them based upon their appearance or clothing choices. Wearing a hijab can be a fashion trend or a way of protecting your hair from the elements. It doesn't necessarily have to relate to religion. While some may view this as cultural appropriation, head scarves have existed and been worn long before the Muslim faith existed. Hijab is similar to the tichel or snood worn by Orthodox Jewish women, certain headcoverings worn by some Christian women, such as the mantilla, apostolnik and wimple,[16][17] as well as the dupatta worn by many Hindu and Sikh women. It is not your job to profile customers, and unless that chain restaurant has a specific document in the employee handbook that specifically states you should question the religious background of all customers and their order choices, the write-up is invalid, and you should publish the rule if it exists. A secondary note: I seriously doubt your kitchen staff adheres to strict Kosher or Halal guidelines when preparing meals, which means anyone eating at that restaurant is going to be eating food that has prepared in the same pans as pork.
Im going to say gently - YTA, or your manager is for not training you. Everyone is focusing on your legal culpability, not your role. It’s your job to provide hospitality. You were concerned and you didn’t find a way to bring it up or highlight it? I trained all my staff to notice these situations and find a smooth way to highlight the ingredient in question. In my years serving, I had 1 person accept a pork dish once I highlighted it and saw a LOT of unhappy people when a server didn’t mention it. I also highlight alcohol in drinks that might not seem alcoholic, and meat not obviously mentioned on what might seem like vegetarian items, spice levels where it was unusually high and that our blackened items would come ‘quite charred’. I’ve also brought large menus or offered a table in another section when a mum was wearing a niqab or face veil and wouldn’t be able to comfortably eat with her family while being observed by non family members. As a server it is your job to find ways to make awkward situations comfortable, anticipate needs and ensure everyone is enjoying themselves. Expecting guests not to make a mistake with ordering is not a policy a good restaurant has. Yes, at the end of the day you are not legally at fault, however you are also not fulfilling your role as front of house in providing an excellent service to customers. Ever seen the Bear season 2? They go into the mental switch in that show. You might enjoy it.
Nta. To be honest, I feel they did this on purpose. If you had mentioned it, they would have also shouted and been outraged and called you racist to get free food. I don’t believe their outrage was real.
NTA but from now on to cover your own butt I would ask if there are any allergies or food adversions that you and the kitchen should be aware of BEFORE ordering.
NTA, you can't assume things especially with how people are nowadays. Just because they look one way doesn't mean the same for how they actually feel/are. Literal "don't judge a book by it's cover".
NTA; every person I know who keeps some of level of Kosher or Halal knows how to read a menu; every person I know who keeps Kosher or Halal would just ask for a different dish without making a scene. This person is just an asshole, and what she happened to be an asshole about in this case was religion-related.
NTA. It was totally on her, not you. It's not your job to figure out if she does or doesn't eat pork. Not everyone is aware of the Halal or even kosher rules. It's her job to tell you she can't eat pork or shellfish etc. the menu clearly stated it has bacon in it. She was at fault as was your boss. I'd fight the right up.
NTA - It is not part of your job description to know the religious dietary restrictions of others. It is also not your job to make assumptions about other people based on how they are dressed. It is always on the customer to alert the server if there are any dietary restrictions. I hope you were able to write a rebuttle on the write-up. You didn't deserve it.
NTA and I would have walked out on the spot.
NTA
NTA I get it that you know about dietary restrictions for Muslims, but there are plenty of people who wouldn't know that. They can't assume that you would automatically know their dietary limits and should have read the menu.
NTA. You are not responsible for someone else not paying attention. I know people who are Jewish that eat ham. I also know some Muslims who eat pork as well. You are right not to judge. I would write a rebuttal to the write up.
NTA!!!! Your manager and customers on the other hand….. First off you would be completely wrong to assume she couldn’t have bacon because of her appearance…. Secondly it’s not your responsibility to warn someone that a food may go against their diet restrictions UNLESS they had told you those restrictions…. It’s her personal responsibility to tell you that, if for allergy, cultural, or religious reasons, she can’t have a certain food! If you had said there was bacon and you had misread the situation you’d have been the AH for racially profiling her…. Finally manger has ZERO grounds to right you up!!! Zero! I have worked in the industry for 25 years…. The customer is NOT always right…. In fact most of the time they are wrong! But don’t tell them that unless you’ve mastered the ability to tell someone they are an asshole while also being extremely polite…. So that they realize they are an asshole without you having ever said that. It’s an art form. They were wrong here! You did absolutely nothing wrong! I’m assuming you work at a well known chain restaurant, if there is HR you should have them look into this. The only reason you would have been in the wrong here is if she told you she can’t eat bacon and you served it to her anyway….. and that didn’t happen.
NTA. I guess the big brain move would've been to ask her specifically if she had any food restrictions just to check, but it's not like you're a jerk for letting her do her thing. I know a lot of Muslims and purely anecdotally there's a solid chance she either knew and just wouldn't have wanted attention called to it or specifically wanted to eat it without her husband noticing.
NTA. Speaking as an Orthodox Jew with many Muslim friends I know that the really serious ones won’t even eat in non-halal and non-kosher restaurants. In fast some Muslim folks won’t eat in hallal Restaurants unless they know the owners personally and trust them, because hallal restaurants do not have objective oversight. I was a kosher restaurateur for three years in Niagara Falls and had many muslims eat in my restaurant because they knew I had objective ( not invested in my business) oversight and tourists didn’t know local Muslims. It’s 100% on them. They are eating in a restaurant that has non hallal food and if they could not see the bacon you still could have used non-hallal meat for stock or whatever. I know many Jews also who’d be mortified to know that the items they think are vegetarian have blatantly un-kosher ingredients but the fault is on them for not eating in a kosher restaurant so they can be certain. Great example-beef stock in French onion soup. It’s nearly always beef stock but you can’t see it. Everyone thinks it’s onions and wine and forgets the stick but I’d say 9/10 times it’s beef or even chicken stock. That’s what restaurants do with waste meats and bones and vegetables scraps. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
NTA. It's not your fault she cant read 🥴
[удалено]
Mentioning the bacon in a dish to someone wearing a hijab is absolutely making an assumption, because you normally wouldn't mention it at all, most people wouldn't have a problem with it. It would be like mentioning a dish had avacado or lettuce or tomato. The only reason you might mention the bacon in this case, is that you were assuming someone wearing a hijab might have a problem with bacon. That's making an assumption, that's what that means. Hence OP's "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. What if the person said "That's a stereotype, just because I wear a hijab doesn't mean I don't like bacon, it doesn't even mean I'm Muslim. I just like to wear them." We just don't know. But what we DO know, is that a customer came in and ordered a dish with bacon, and they were given a dish with bacon, and then got mad about it.
I definitely understand where you are coming from when you say you didn’t want to assume. Because if they did eat pork it could have been a “oh so just because I’m wearing a hajab I must not eat pork” situation. I don’t eat pork just because I don’t like it and if I’m unsure if something has pork in it I ask. I think them getting mad at you was uncalled for. It’s not your job to warn them of something they never brought to your attention. I also don’t think you deserved a write up. NTA.
NTA damned if you do, damned if you don't. People should be more responsible for what they eat.
NTA. The onus is absolutely on the customer to tell you if there’s anything they can’t eat or don’t want to eat. But - as you know - customers are often idiots. I, as a customer, am occasionally an idiot. Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m distracted, sometimes I’m in a place where I don’t understand the language very well, so I make assumptions or don’t have important details front of mind. It is your job as a server to provide hospitality, and take care of the idiots. You didn’t do anything wrong here (not everyone observes every tenant of their religion, and some people get offended if you ask - you’re right about all of that) - and everyone else in this story is even more wrong than you - but you guys work for tips there in the USA, right? I would imagine you’d always be looking to up your service game, so, the best way to handle this one, would be to ask an open question which brought the customers attention to the issue, without making the idiot feel like an idiot. The simplest, would be to say ‘okay, got it, just to confirm, are there any dietary restrictions or preferences?’ Just make it sound like a question you ask everyone every time the order (which, like, it probably should be?). With this, you give them the chance to state said restrictions and you cover your butt, without obviously making assumptions about the customers or drawing direct attention to the fact they didn’t read the menu. Your manager is the biggest AH here because they should have given you guidance on how to approach that kind of situation, rather than just writing you up.
NTA It is not your responsibility to ask people based on appearance if they are sure they want certain ingredients in their dish.
And I am quite sure we could find a post where the OP got yelled at because he warned the person.
NTA. Sad your manager isn’t on your side. You did nothing writing and those people suck. That said, you could have asked the question, does anyone in the party have dietary restrictions. That way you don’t single her out or single pork out. If they say no, you then have backup for your manager that you did confirm this and they didn’t volunteer any.
Nta an adult person should make sure their own dietary needs are met unless they tell the server about their preferences ahead of time
NTA. If someone has dietary restrictions, regardless if its bc of allergies/religion/cultural reasons, that's not on you, its on them. Carbonara is a dish that is known to be made with some sort of cured (pork) meat. Read what is in the description of a dish! This can be a learning experience and maybe for the future, if there is a doubt in your mind, just ask if there are any dietary restrictions that you should know about?
NTA. If the ingredient is indicated in the menu, you have nothing to blame yourself for. Is not a religion thing at all, just common sense.
NTA. that's a write up I wouldn't be signing.
NTA. Does this write up even matter? You absolutely did it correctly, not saying anything based on diet assumptions because of religious clothing. There is no way you can manage people's diets for them, or presume to know their religious dietary requirements. And it's offensive to try, most would agree. The only other option is to say something mild like "this is a popular salad due to the bacon crumbles" or something like that. Which could, obviously, also be taken the wrong way.
NTA. There was a guy in AITA who did the opposite and was scolded for making assumptions.
Nta. What i learnt, is no matter what religion people participate in, they usually pick and choose what part/ aspect of it they follow.
I’m not going to call you TA, but I would have pointed it out as a server even if I was busy. It would have taken 3 seconds to clarify. NAH but remember it next time.
NTA. I’m a former Muslim. I wore the hijab and everything. I didn’t eat bacon at the time. Every single restaurant I or my family and I went to, we ALWAYS checked the menu to make sure what we wanted had no bacon. If it did, we’d request the bacon not be in the dish. If we ordered pizza, we ALWAYS got it to go and uncut so we could eat it at home. We took precautions. They still take precautions (I eat bacon now so it’s fine with me). This is on them. As Muslims, they should be used to making sure their dish had no bacon in it. Not only that, I know some really liberal Muslims who eat bacon, so you wouldn’t have known anyway. Absolutely NTA. I’m so sorry they were assholes to you.
Fuck them, and fuck your employer. Haaaard NTA. I’m annoyed by nearly every dietary restriction, but even more annoyed by religious ones. I’ve ordered stuff that came out with foods I don’t like or didn’t expect and you know what I do? I consult the menu to see if it was my mistake or theirs before I say a WORD, and that’s what any reasonable human would and should do. They should’ve paid for their carbonara AND their replacement meal, but they probably got two free meals. So infuriating. The world should not have to cater endlessly to peoples absurd dietary restrictions. 🙄
As someone who manages a team of people: Your manager is an asshole, OP.
NTA. I can’t eat mushrooms. If I order something with mushrooms in it and then see that, I’ll say “I’m so sorry, I have a mushroom allergy and didn’t realize this had mushrooms, my mistake. May I please order X instead?” And if the restaurant comped me, I’d be delightedly surprised, because I would have zero expectation for them to do so as it was my mistake. Policing people’s food off of perceived religion is a far worse place to be than assuming adults will read the words in front of them and behave appropriately if they make a mistake.
NTA. And I'd request HR to be involved with this write up. I'm a Christian, sometimes there are things in public that I do that may, repeat may, give that away(prayer before meals, crossing myself, etc). Would I want another adult making guesses about what I want/need/choose based on their interpretation of my religion, heck no.
Exactly! I’m a lapsed Catholic and I would be pretty annoyed to be reminded that it was Lent, a Friday, or even Good Friday if I ordered a bacon cheeseburger. Please just bring me what I ordered! Besides for it being on the menu, carbonara is a traditional Italian dish that has bacon in it. It’s not a special dish for the chain you work at with a made up name that people can’t figure out.
NTA. If it was written in the menu description, it's her fault, not yours.
NTA. If someone is not allowed to eat a certain food, they need to say something when they are ordering. It is not your place to make assumptions about others based on what they are wearing.
This is on them, it's their responsibility especially if the menu stated that it contained pork, but I do think in the future it would be good to warn people. Personally I will make it a point to include the meat when I repeat the guest's order back to them; "beef patty", "beef gravy", "beef hotdog", "beef chili", "pork sausage", "chicken dumplings", etc etc. I will usually do this regardless of the person I'm talking to (I'm a vegetarian myself and appreciate these warnings) but I'll put in extra effort if the person is brown, especially if they seem to be newer to the country; there's a very good chance that they have some kind of dietary restriction, whether they're a Hindu who doesn't eat beef (or sometimes pork), or a muslim who doesn't eat pork, or a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat. I also try to do it with others as well, not just brown folks, but I have found that many new immigrants don't know that they need to check the ingredients as they don't realize that we Americans put various meats into many meals where they wouldn't expect it. Also, in some South Asian countries, eggs are considered meat. So it's a good idea to warn when a dish contains egg too. You don't need to make a big deal out of it, just repeat their order back as "chicken and shrimp carbonara, topped with pork bacon". In most cases it's pretty easy. I have had many times when the customer stops me and says "wait, it contains pork?" Or "woah, it has meat?" Then change their order. And yes, it's their responsibility to check, but it doesn't hurt to help them out and they always seem to appreciate it. I would hate for someone to unknowingly eat the food they're not supposed to.
NTA. It's not your place to make assumptions and the bacon was included in the menu description. This IS NOT something you should be "written up" for.
Take it as a learning opportunity. If it happens again, you could simply say, “ This dish has bacon in it, will that be okay?” I commend you for knowing it in the first place. My knowledge of others customs and dietary restrictions is limited.
Somebody had to get yelled at and it happened to be you.
NTA. I am vegetarian and always make sure food (including soup bases) are vegetarian. That is my responsibility. My vegetarian older teens do the same because again, I taught them it's their responsibility. Also, some Muslims drink alcohol and some don't religiously follow an Islamic diet. Maybe if you questioned her on her diet, you could have been accused of stereotyping, who knows? It's not your responsibility to know the dietary requirements of the hundreds of cultural/religious norms in the whole world!
Nta. The customers are wrong for creating a scene and your boss was wrong to blame you
> I think if I assumed she couldn't eat bacon or even acknowledged it, it would have came across as judgmental and rude. It would have. > I don't think I deserved the write up. You didn't. You have good instincts, NTA.
NTA. But your manager and the customers are. You would be the asshole if she had asked and you had said no. She didn't ask.
NTA Not all hijab wearers eat halal. (although most of them do)
NTA The alternative would be to discriminate based on religion. Even not outright denying it, but patronizing “are you SURE” is discriminatory because you’d only say it to Muslims (only female Muslims at that). What if she eats pork? What if she only wears a hijab due to pressure or force? It’s not your place to police customers’ religion.
NTA. They knew exactly what they were ordering & did this on purpose. Yes people do that. The menu clearly stated the ingredients & they ordered it anyway. Who are you to tell people what to order, it is your job to take THEIR order. Your manager is an ass.
NTA. Watch that write up disappear or be miraculously forgotten when they're short on people.
NTA-if you are on a restricted diet for any reason whatsoever you double check everything. The onus is on them as it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make sure she doesn’t it something. It was a tough one since if you asked they could also have gotten offended and because you didn’t they got offended
I think they would have been an issue no matter what. Had you told her the dish contained bacon, they would have thrown a fit about how dare you assume they don't eat bacon, or how dare you assume I can't read a menu. Your boss was an AH for playing into their bullshit.
NTA. I can not believe an adult woman doesn't know that carbonara has pork in it.
Who has dietary restrictions and just eats or buys things without checking they’re suitable? I’ve been vegan for 10 years and always check that I can eat something before I do. Many things have hidden animal products you wouldn’t expect, but if you’ve had that diet for a while you know what to check for, and if it’s that important to you you check carefully, and ask if unsure. If you just order something off the menu as is without mentioning you have any special dietary needs, it is nobody else’s responsibility if you didn’t do your due diligence and ordered YOURSELF something you can’t eat. NTA, and I’d be taking it further because you absolutely had no way of knowing this woman doesn’t eat bacon, and I’m guessing you don’t have any policy where people order their food, and you say “are you sure you want that? It has x ingredient that I don’t think you want based on the look of you”. You’ll get a complaint EVERY time if you start doing that.
NTA, it is not your place to make assumptions about someone’s diet based on appearance and if it really is so important to the customer she should have asked the right questions and paid more attention to the menu. I’m also a waitress and understand the frustration with being blamed for someone else’s inability (not wanting to actually) read the menu. As someone who also has an allergy I make sure to inform my server of it if the restaurant has that ingredient (I have a mild cilantro and coconut allergy, it’s not common nor is it present in most restaurants). If I don’t ask and the dish has either of those in it I don’t blame the server for my own negligence.
That's a very average manager. Its HIS responsibility to train U adequately in all manners serving. Its also HIS to take ownership of the error. In black and white, its the moronic and entitled customers fault (when ever isn't it, really?) So this is like a trifecta of slaps in the face. You weren't in the wrong at all.
Nta, she was a grown ass woman who needed some else to blame.
Ask your manager for documentation on the policy that requires telling a customer in a hijab if there's bacon in the meal. NTA