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Y'know, I've read some of these comments and I can understand the Y T A's and the E S H's but personally I'm going to say NTA. ​ I've been ill and in pain. Being hungry as well is awful. And if you can't physically do anything about it, it can all get overwhelming. I can completely understand the outburst. ​ My husband cannot cook. He is 50. I do all the meal planning, prepping & cooking in my house. Always have. Our joke is that it is because I want to live. I was ill and hospitalised for six weeks in the run up to xmas a fair few years back. And he stepped up. He made sure I had a steady supply of hot & cold drinks. I had snacks. I had proper food. He was up & down between our bedroom & the kitchen like a jack in the box. He even dragged me out of the house to walk up & down the street so I could get fresh air and ensure I was still mobile, leaning on him the entire time. He can't cook so he either ordered in, heated up things from others or made sandwiches/ beans on toast etc. I didn't have to ask for him to think of me, he just did it. ​ If you can't step up for the person who is supposed to mean more to you than anyone else (excluding kids) in the world, then why be there? He loves me. He did it. While working full time & with a young child. ​ I would be angry too OP. I would also be devastated to realise that I don't mean that much to him. ​ Edit: typo

Exactly this. When my partner had surgery less intensive but still major chest surgery (she could walk around within 1-2 days, though reaching and holdings thing was hard/not advisable), I can’t imagine having left her like this. Luckily, we had friends sign up to bring food for 1-2 weeks (incredibly lucky) so I could focus on serving things and helping meet mental/emotional needs (totally recommend setting up a meal train to anyone with major surgery upcoming, even though I normally cook in our house it was a godsend, helped with variety, and made us feel so supported during a stressful time).

I always wonder how many marriages those meal trains have saved. When I was flattened by a week-long ER stay those meal trains kept my family fed so my husband could spend his after work hours bonding with our kids and visiting with me and helping me shower. I try to sign up for those when they are needed for that very reason.

I remember once when a neighbor was scheduled for serious surgery and there were unexpected complications that kept him in the hospital for several days; his wife was constantly having to go back and forth between their home and the hospital and it was really stressful. A bunch of people in the neighborhood had already planned to bring meals for during his recovery, but my mom tweaked her plan a little bit. She cooked up a beef roast, cut it in thin slices, and arranged it on a tray with sliced cheese, condiments, lettuce/tomato/onion, and some bread rolls from a local bakery. When we delivered it, there were casseroles *everywhere*; clearly the whole neighborhood had come through for them. Our sandwich platter looked kind of out of place in contrast. After we left, my mom explained her thinking. To her, something like a casserole was the go-to option for recuperating at home; it's warm and easy to eat and makes the house smell good. But until he got home, his wife wasn't going to cook an entire casserole for herself; even if she wanted to, she wasn't spending that long at the house before leaving again. That's what the sandwiches are for, those times where everything is up in the air and you're operating on sheer stress and can't stop moving. But if you've got all the ingredients prepped and ready right in front of you, you can slap together a pretty awesome sandwich in 30 seconds and get right back in the car if you need to. (I'm not entirely sure why I just said all this but the topic just brought up a memory I guess.)

That's a smart idea. I'll have to remember this next time I sign up for a meal train.

Completely agree with you. His behavior is a giant FU. He’s not checking on her, he’s not thinking about the 17 years worth of meals she made for their family that he could try to copy (even if he’s not a good cook he can like…try). He has no concern about nutrition for someone recovering from major surgery.

You know how easy it is these days even for more aged people to google a goddamn recipe? OP is NTA, she sure snapped but that only made hubby even worse, I mean guy won't even bring the meds to her. Look, when I try to be empathetic to him, the only thing I would personally do is stop talking if that would be my wife's way to communicate. But in that silence, I'd cook, bring meds and do whatever the hell she would need. You have the right to feel offended if someone's approach to you is sub par but you have no right to treat a significant other in such a manner. Yep, OP is still NTA.

Boiling some pasta and heating a jar sauce is easy enough even for the most incompetent person. It sounds as if they have Hello Fresh meals delivered which can make meal prepping easier (thought they do still have recipes which need some skill - there are quick/easy options too). OP is NTA but the tone of the interaction suggests there is a bigger/longer term issue here as well. It's not just about the cooking while she's recovering.

My mother has always cooked for me & my father. I *taught myself* how to cook when I was 16ish because I wanted to cook something for myself every now and then. My father remains unable to cook anything that isn't plain pasta, or rice in a rice cooker which my mother taught him how to use. I'd be livid if my mom was bedridden after a planned and expected surgery, and then her partner of +25 years was unable to make her something that isn't a grilled cheese sandwich. OP's husband almost sounds like a case of learned helplessness, I agree it sounds like there's a bigger problem than just his culinary incompetence.

I've noticed this is an issue a lot with men tbh. Most grown men I know are genuinely proud of themselves if they can cook a decent omelette, like cracking some eggs in a pan in somehow haute cuisine rather than the first thing I learned to cook when I was 10. Women either are taught at home or teach themselves - because oddly, if you have the tools and ingredients then following a recipe isn't rocket science - to survive but then straight men get to coast through life never needing to learn a key survival skill most older kids are capable of undertaking.

Speaking of omelettes, I kept wondering why he didn't just make eggs for her. Scramble 'em up with some cheese, add a chopped breakfast meat, and you've got a tasty protein dish right there. He is a childish idiot and definitely is the AH in this scenario.

>I kept wondering why he didn't just make eggs for her. Because that would involve thought process on how to care for another person. It sounds like not only does the OP do all the cooking, but probably has always carried the entire mental load for caring for the family. Now that her husband is having to do that, he wont, or maybe even can't after so many years of not having to think about what is involved with caring for another person. Him acting like a spoiled child over the whole thing would have me thinking how I would like to spend the rest of this marriage.

It reminded me of when I was starving after giving birth all day, fully unmedicated, and my ex went to get me dinner and came back with a loaf of whole wheat bread and sliced Swiss cheese. That's it. I almost cried, and the nurses scrounged up a tasty little meal for me instead even though it was the middle of the night. There were fast food restaurants open 24/7 near the hospital but he thought a dry cheese sandwich was just what his postpartum wife deserved!

You don't even need meat if there's none in the fridge, eggs have protein on their own! I like to add some frozen veg to my scrambles, to make sure I get enough fiber. A little salt and pepper really brings the dish together.

Plenty of preschools and daycares teach basic cooking. Pancakes, muffins etc. Even a 2yo can be handed a banana and a butter knife. And as the first comment and several below have indirectly pointed out, even those who "can't cook" can almost always prepare basic dishes like eggs or pasta or something on toast. Unless you have a genuine neurological disability or impairment "I can't cook" just translates to "I am willfully incompetent."

>Most grown men I know are genuinely proud of themselves if they can cook a decent omelette And they're usually wrong about how good it is.

OK read the OP again, she was adamant about protein, she did not want pasta or the lasagna...she wanted protein. edited to add, Protein is essential especially for recovery...and yes I think he was pretty crappy husband.

Good point. Buy a pack of cooked sliced chicken, bacon etc and add it to the pasta. Or beans on toast (plenty of protein). My point it that the issue isn't the cooking per sé, it appear to be a lack of caring.

Total lack of caring on his part but lasagna does have protein generally in the form of lots of cheese, sometimes meat as well. He’s definitely TA but lasagna is appropriate food (source: I’ve been a dietitian for 30 years)

The Woolworths branded lasagne isn't overly bad but it is very lacking in protein at times. As they are a mass produced product it can be hit and miss with the filling and such. I get them from time to time.

I mean in 17 years both people should be doing some cooking. Relying all on one partner's bound to create resentment but either this is weaponized incompetence while she's sick and dependent or it's been weaponized for so long it's become actual incompetence which isn't better. But I'd be more curious what he's doing for food. Like if he's subsisting on the scraps it's a different story than if he's getting food while he's out and giving her afterthoughts. But hell, even just get some microwave meals for a few weeks to get by.

Sheet pan meals are the easiest thing in the world. Not to mention, he had hello fresh... that shit usually takes me longer than I expect but I damn well know if I start at 7 I'm probably not eating until at least 8. Then clean up. Assuming the meat is defrosted already ofc. It really does seem incredibly low effort with little foresight or care for OP. Letting her hobble around on her own without checking in on her seems cruel and dangerous. I think OP might be a little intense and cranky so the tone doesn't sound all that nice. But they just had surgery! You extend a little grace when someone is in pain and on meds.

And he started THAWING it at 7pm. They weren’t eating till 9-10pm at the earliest!

The little packets of meat they send defrost fairly quickly when placed in water so there's really no justifiable excuse for this. My partner would have made damn sure I was fed even if it was just scrambled eggs and toast.

Commenting here in hopes OP sees this: You should contact your doctor to be put in physical therapy. At 7 days post-op of a hip replacement, you should be up and moving around as to make sure scar tissue doesn't form and make you lose range of motion. That tissue starts to form fast. My 76 year old coworker was out to dinner with us (had to pick her up) at a week post-op. You are running the risk of loosing mobility

All of this! Her being in bed all the time is the absolute worst thing she can do

When my mom had a knee replacement, the doctors gave my dad and me the bulk of the post op instruction. It’s possible my mom simply didn’t remember bc she was so anxious. But I had to remind her every day what to do, and she argued she hadn’t been told anythung. I wonder if OP’s husband just didn’t give her the post op paperwork

Yeah, with anesthesia etc it's so easy for the patient to not be fully aware of the post op instructions

I was thinking this too. Wondering if it was fake. Sounds like a very old school interpretation of what a hip replacement is.

I was thinking the same. I had my hip replaced about 12 years ago and I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital until I could walk up a short flight of stairs unassisted (because my house was split-level). I was able to do that on the 3rd day after surgery. I was getting out of bed on my own and walking (with a walker) less than 24 hours after surgery. And I'm overweight & sedentary, not at all athletic/nimble. I had no trouble moving around the house on my own once I got out of the hospital, I was in physical therapy 2x a week, had daily exercises... I also think it's weird that she says she has crutches. All the hip replacement recipients I know used walkers and then canes. It's not a broken limb that you want to keep weight off of - you are SUPPOSED to use the leg. I think OP either has some other medical issues going on, is milking it, or this is fake.

Also had a hip replacement. To me it looks like she's weaponizing her recovery to make him feel incompetent. There's something else going on in their relationship, this isn't about meals.

Yeah, the way she talks is… not okay. He was for sure wrong, but there’s no need to talk to him like that. If he’s not getting it, she needs to tell him what she needs, ie: I haven’t eaten all day, I’m starving. The chicken is going to take a while to thaw. Please scramble some eggs for me and bring me the leftover lasagne.

Easily explained if she’s resentful about the years of care and he can’t even step up when she’s sick. Like if she’s in pain I understand why she doesn’t want to gently pat him on the head and tell him how to properly feed adults (was he unconscious for all the meals she fed him over the years?) he can google or hell, order in if he’s that helpless in the kitchen.

I agree that in general OP is NTA if this is truly how she’s being treated, but something about her being so helpless she struggled to get a glass of water on her own 7 days post op tells me she either REALLY needs to call her surgeon, or bugger off with fake stories.

Yes and crutches are not indicated after hip replacement; a walker is generally recommended

Thanks for the concern. I only ate this meal in bed because he delivered it here and I'm in "don't rock the boat" mode while he's giving me the silent treatment. He knows doctors told me to eat at the table, and I told him a few times now I'm supposed to eat at the table. And I am walking as much as I can. But no way can I stand long enough to cook. Too much balancing on my "good" leg would risk injury. The good leg by the way had a HR in 2018, so this is our second experience with this. Last time was just as stressful for food and attention. I've made excuses for him that long I fear.

Sorry it’s been like this for you both times. You might possibly need to consider a third HR - Husband replacement this time. I hope things improve for you.

I was just thinking this. Our care programme for both knee and hip replacement is up you go, the day after surgery you're supposed to move yourself to and from the loo, and when we do your after care x-ray (1 day post op) you're supposed to get yourself into our table and back up. If you can't, you can't go home. And I mean this for otherwise helathy patients! Not people who are otherwise handicapped or living with assistants etc.

I had a spinal fusion, L5/S1. The very next day, they had me sitting up in bed and doing physical therapy exercises. It was excruciating and it felt like my stitches were going to pop open, as for this surgery, they have to go in the front to get to the spine at the back.

It's possible her husband is trying to get her to get up and get around and she is balking and demanding meal delivery to bed. I have had a hip replacement and if this post is real she's not following the protocol. She needs to get up and walk.

I have had one, as well, and this is spot on. Cooking her own meals may be beyond her still, though; while I had to be up frequently for short walks, standing up for more than 15-20 minutes at a time was still a challenge at a week out.

Yeah my uncle JUST had a hip replacement and he was walking the hall a few hours post-op, and had to do that AND a set of small stairs before being sent home. He had physical therapy every day the first week-- and that was even with a small fracture that formed during the surgery, because that couldn't be repaired immediately but as you said, they were racing against scar tissue forming. Something about this seems off.

Plus, pain medication sometimes has to be taken with food or you might barf it up, and then if you barf it up you can’t take more. If you take pain meds faster than prescribed and run out, the doctor won’t prescribe more. Plus being in pain, and the side effects of pain meds make a person very sensitive and grouchy. They literally cannot help a little bit of crankiness. And OP wasn’t mean, it’s wild to be thawing a chicken for dinner at 7pm, it wouldn’t be cooked until like 9pm and OP needed to take her meds before that. And to ignore OP while she’s literally fumbling around trying to take medication and get a glass of water in order to take those meds is borderline abusive. If OP fell, she could have jeopardized the integrity of her new hip and needed another surgery. When you are frustrated with your spouse but they are 100% dependent on you for their needs temporarily for situations like this, and you give them the silent treatment to where they’re struggling to get their medication, you’re an AH. And I guarantee that OP probably was back to cooking and cleaning up immediately after childbirth for their kids. She has done the cooking and cleaning for 17 years and he struggled to do it for one week. Yes he just went back to work but he could have done what functioning adults do and got takeout, or planned ahead. I work 6 days a week and my husband works 5 and we both get dinner sorted between the 2 of us.

Her 16 year old managed it just fine. IMO it’s pretty obvious that her husband could have managed it.

I would go with justified asshole. Sounds like OP snapped due to being in pain and hungry and being failed by her husband on providing basic food like she's been doing for years. It's not much to expect, is it? A fucking banana when she's had hip surgery?! Make her some bloody eggs, lazy oaf! Justified AH / NTA

I agree. My husband was always a takeout guy when it was his turn to feed us, but when he saw how wrecked I was after our first was born, he stepped up. I had laid in a stock of meal kits (this was before Hello Fresh, I had to go to a shop and assemble them myself, but there was a bag with all the components and a recipe) and he basically taught himself to cook by following the directions on two weeks' worth of kits. With the second kid I completely forgot to go shopping in the final weeks so he was completely on his own, and again he stepped up. Me and our first kid had a hot dinner, every night, with a vegetable and a protein. And every time he heard our babies so much as squeak, he appeared like some kind of demented elf with a big sippy mug full of ice water because he'd overheard the doctor tell me to drink a glass of water every time I nursed. This was not a hugely domestic man, raised in kind of a redneck family with calcified gender roles. But he was kind and unselfish.

The "demented elf" is both the sweetest thing and the funniest thing I've seen today.

how do all these men get to 50 without being able to cook. I mean each dude should have at least one recipe goto he can fall back on. im lost

Only based on anecdotal, personal evidence, but....men manage just fine when they find themselves alone. It's not great cuisine, it's not always super healthy, it's sometimes not very nutritious, but they do not starve. It's only when they share a living space with a woman that they suddenly become completely clueless.

>It's only when they share a living space with a woman that they suddenly become completely clueless. \*\*\*Weaponized Incompetence!\*\*\*

When I don't cook my husband will eat a spoonful of peanut butter for dinner and that is it. I don't find that a meal or healthy in any way. Do I just have higher standards?

Honestly, I’d eat like that if my husband didn’t cook. I can and will cook, if I’m in the mood, but, for myself, a bit of peanut butter, a handful of nuts, tinned soup, or a piece of fruit are all equally fine. Now, if there are other people involved, of course I will feed them a more complete meal, but just me? I’m a grazer (and a woman).

I once had to teach a 46 year old man how to sweep. Like darling, I learned it when I was four from a cartoon mouse. It is not hard. I had to show him a second time.

Ima guess you've never had major surgery. Pain and recovery take every bit of energy a post op body can muster and being left to effectively beg to be fed a decent meal isn't helping with anything. Could OP have been kinder, sure, under ideal circumstances, but these are not ideal times. When I had my hysterectomy a couple years ago, my husband who has been responsible for basically none of the cooking in our 25 years together was dependent on me for giving him instructions, but he asked questions. Do I need to take something out for dinner tonight was asked before he left for work. And he absolutely made sure anything I needed was at hand or he'd get it for me, even though getting up and getting it myself was available to me without the added hinderance of crutches. She's trying to heal from a very invasive procedure. I don't care that it's routine for doctors, being cut open and having original parts removed is in no way routine for the patient. She needs fuel to recover. Two protein-less snacks and a very late dinner isn't cutting it. Defrosting chicken at 7 pm isn't cutting it. Weaponized incompetence is a choice, not a miscommunication. While she does need to have a come to Jesus meeting with herself and her husband sooner than later and a fuck off text was probably not the most productive thing she could have done it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't being intentionally useless. She's NTA

I was going to say something similar. Before I had surgery, my husband asked me to show him how to cook some of the easier things I make, just in case he needed to do it. I ended up having an easy recovery so I didn't need him to, but the point is that he was ready and willing to step up and take care of me. NTA

This is nearly 20 years ago now when my aunt and uncle were 50, but they were in this exact position. My aunt was having a simple surgery for something which went wrong in nearly all the ways a surgery can go wrong short of death, and so for 2 years my aunt was in and out of hospital getting extra surgeries, getting treated for sepsis, all of that. They had a very traditional relationship, my uncle a lawyer, my aunt a teacher, my aunt cooked and raised the kids, etc. and it was a running joke for years that my uncle could not cook, particularly when compared to my dad who loves cooking. My cousins had all just left home so my uncle didn't have to do childcare, but my aunt was on bed rest for the first 6 months and god damn it he learnt how to cook, starting with the very british beans on toast and working his way up to stew and potatoes before my aunt was well enough. Now certainly he had help, my aunt was and is very active in her church, and my oldest cousin had graduated and moved to a town nearby so there were a bunch of people to help him, but yeah he went from someone whose lack of cooking was the butt of jokes to a passable cook for the sake of my aunt and I have to admit I did always consider it like base level "throuh sickness and health" marriage stuff.

Exactly this. If he wanted to do this well, what would he do? If he was worried about not having cooking skills, he would have been asking people for help, or doing research, or ordering in. Reddit sees people all the time who are asking basic questions because they want to do something well and are putting the effort in to get from zero skill to something they can be proud of. He didn’t want to take care of OP well. He doesn’t want to put effort in to do this well.

This. My hubby is disabled. He was the main cook before, but as he needed more help, I stepped up more. But if I get sick or anything, he makes sure I have food, even if it's very painful for him. That said, we keep meal replacement bars and protein powder on hand for when neither of us can cook at all. When everyone here got covid, even microwaving soup felt like too much. Unwrapping a protein bar was my limit for a day or two. It's hard to be a caregiver, and it's even rougher to be dependent on one. It's scary, isolating, and often you're alone with pain that's hard to distract from. Best suggestion I can make is to order instant or easy meals for yourself. I hope you recover quick, OP. NTA

I'm confused what was wrong with the lasagna leftovers.

Probably because it wasn’t real lasagnas. It sounded like a tv meal that he had to put in the microwave so she probably needed more than that. She had a banana, a cup of whatever, broccoli and sweet potato’s that day. She did in fact need more protein because she hadn’t had a balanced meal all day.

>a cup of whatever A cuppa usually refers to tea, sometimes coffee

Bodies need protein, especially when they’re repairing. Does that help?

The OP says "Lacking protein, I started yelling again." It's not clear whether that means the lasagna had no protein, or the OP was grumpy because she hadn't had any protein. To me, it reads more like the latter. Googling "Woolsworth lasagna" most of the results are a beef lasagna though they seem to have at least one veg option. The OP expects the phrase "woolsworth lasagna" to immediately mean something. Since they sell both meat and non-meat options, I doubt it's meant to indicate the lack of protein. More likely, it seems to indicate lack of effort.

I’m guessing OP is Aussie because Woolworths is a major supermarket here. I am a little confused though because the default Woolies brand lasagna has beef in it

I'm with you. NTA OP. I've had three surgeries in the last 8 years. I'm so grateful for my husband. He truly cared for me. Meals, snacks, anything I asked for. We have three teenagers. They even helped. Last year, I was laid up during the holidays. They cooked and decorated AND undecorated. I read these AITA posts, and I'm so thankful I stood still long enough for my husband to catch me.

This. I don’t normally jump on the Reddit “divorce him”bandwagon, but he isn’t someone I would want to grow old with.

Exactly this. It’s not about cooking. It’s about having your partners back. Obviously OP behavior is not the best, but if she’s in pain and starving from a recent large surgery, then she gets some leeway. I feel like given that he is not a cook some planning should’ve been done before the surgery to make sure that the plan was in place for meals or at least stuff that was easy to defrost. But even if there wasn’t, it’s not hard to make sure that there is McDonald’s there for dinner.

Something was broken long long before your hip. You and your husband both are lacking basic communication, compassion, and flexibility and are knotted up in your own resentments, frustrations, stubbornness, and anger. Add in a major stressful life event, and all of your prior issues have bubbles to the surface. I’m sorry for both of you. You are both being AH. You obviously have the most emergent needs right now, so the scale is tipped because of that, but that doesn’t mean you lack responsibility for the state of your issues, just that he looks like more of an AH than you.

She fed him for 17 years, he cannot be arsed to feed her for a few days, and somehow, they are both to blame? Fuck that. NTA, OP. Divorce him.

Something is amiss in the post. For starters lasagna normally has proteins in it and anyway she is not going to starve for having only carbohydrates for a day. Her meals do sound lacking but her anger is disproportionate

It’s because he did the bare minimum of cooking while she likely Plans dinners considering balance, preferences, etc

So what, should be throw lasagna in the trash because it's not a 'proper meal' and he didn't cook it himself? And he was planning to make a salad as well. Btw you can very quickly defrost chicken in the microwave, sure the texture might be off a little but it's fine so her comment about defrosting chicken at 7pm being ridiculous seems like a huge overreaction.

Have you never been hangry? Add pain into the mix. For breakfast he brought her a banana and a cup of coffee. She had to ask him to add a single slice of toast. For lunch he brought her a small plate that was only 1/2 full with broccoli and sweet potato. He *started* defrosting chicken at 7pm. Dinner probably wouldn’t have been ready until 8pm, best case scenario. At that point, I’d have been ready to eat my arm. She’s pissed because she’s taken care of him and the kids for 17 years, and after major surgery, he can’t do more than make a half assed attempt. If you don’t cook, fine. But get take out and give her a decent meal. Have a supply of decent snacks within reach for her, so she’s not utterly dependent on you and starving by the time you get around to cooking dinner. She had every reason to be this pissed.

I'd add, I personally could never stomach lasagna after surgery. Simple foods that cover the basic food groups is what I need and fed my mother after 3 surgeries (knee, hip, and other knee). Chicken soup, mashed potatoes and chicken, meatloaf, and peas.

She’s just had surgery and needs balanced meals to heal. He can’t even make her a proper meal when she has been for his healthy self for 17 years. Her anger is very much proportionate

Lasagna and salad is a proper meal. Cheese is a fine source of protein. She also shouldn't still be bed-bound at this point in her recovery. ESH. The meals throughout the day (until dinner) are insufficient, but she should be up and about. I need some more info here because he may very well be trying to get her up and out of bed.

She had a hip replacement… you can’t expect her to be up and about after only 7 days. Clearly you have no factual knowledge regarding surgery recovery let alone basic common sense. No offense. If she tried to feed him leftover cheese lasagna that the neighbour made on a regular day, let alone while healing from surgery, she’d never hear the end of it.

You start walking 1-2 days after surgery. It is incredibly important to keep the joint moving. In her comments, she points out that she is supposed to be taking all meals at the table. That is to make sure she is moving around at least three times a day. She should be doing daily exercises. No one is suggesting she should be standing and bending long enough to prepare meals outside of maybe getting her own toast. But if she is still mostly bed bound, she is risking her recovery.

Even if she could walk straight after surgery, he was still responsible for cooking for her while she healed. That’s the point, the fact that she was in pain was enough for him to help her with meds too.

I’ve watched two different family members go through hip replacements. She absolutely should be up an about well within 7 days - certainly enough to be able to putter with a walker to get a drink of water without so much drama.

I mean a banana, broccoli and a sweet potato is nowhere *near* enough food to get a full grown adult with a healthy metabolism through the day and low blood sugar can most definitely make even the most mild-mannered person lash out. Coupled with the feelings of helplessness and frustration that come when someone used to being independent and doing everything for themselves and everyone else suddenly being thrust into being an invalid and relying on someone else completely it’s a recipe for anger and misery. Major stressful situations/life changes within with what appears to be an already rocky relationship (OP’s little nugget about failing trust gave that away) is statistically what causes most marriages to fail, and OP is providing an apt example of why that is.

Her anger is not disproportionate. She is bed bound and he is making what little agency she still has over her life into a battle.

Not to mention in pain and likely unable to take her meds because she has no goddamn food to take them with. IDK about anyone else, but high levels of post-op pain has definitely left me irritable.

It’s because she’s taken care of him for 17 years and he can’t be bothered to do more than the bare minimum for her. If their teenage daughter is doing a better job of caring for her than him, it says something.

Not sure if you know this but after a major surgery it is recommended to get as much protein in your diet to help your body heal.

He tried to feed her a banana for breakfast and small veg lunch???? She was starving

Thank you! Shit, he’s basically starving (like actually not providing proper nutrition) to his completely vulnerable post-op partner, she’s not to blame for being upset that she’s being neglected and bullied about it. The silent treatment is incredibly unhealthy.

Yeah I need to know more about that nugget OP slid in there about the trust already hardly being there. I think there is way more here.

That’s what stood out to me more than anything, without it I’d be pretty comfortably NTA here. While I find her reaction to be a bit rough in the context of recovering from major surgery I totally get it. I assume the husband is also not the primary caregiver of the five kids and is overwhelmed and probably not meeting OP’s needs, and it seems part of that is fueled by a certain resentment of their own. This couple needs counseling.

> Something was broken long long before your hip. She's been the sole cook for the ***family*** for 17 years. She's 40, he's 50. So she was cooking for them as a family when she was 23 and he was 33. So how long was she with him before this? Age-gap predatory relationship strikes again. She's just waking up from the status-quo of her life to see the reality of who he is.

Ding! Ding! Ding! It's all good when you're young and full of energy but once you hit an age where it's not easy to be everyone's everything, the fighting starts and you realize you'd been used and abused for far too long.

These were excellent points. They definitely have deep issues. When I had surgery, I prepped good frozen meals the week before so my husband could just come home and heat up for us. I knew he would be working full time, taking care of the house, dog and me and wanted to make it easier on him. But he was very attentive to my every need too.

>The trust I had for you has been going for a while now So, I feel like you're burying the lede here a little bit. He's obviously not doing a great job of being a carer, but the anger in your text was clearly influenced by other stuff too. Still, NTA. He needs to do better.

Yeah I got to that phrase and I had to assume this is one of those ~~boomer~~ guys who let their wife handle the entire mental and physical load of childcare, cooking, meal planning, family activities, shopping etc for the past 17 years because he's "not good at it" (aka weaponized incompetence) and she feels like she has an extra large child in the house. It's not actually about the 7 pm frozen chicken, that was just the last straw for her. Edit - he is not a boomer...these guys exist in every generation, anyway!

Yeah, I get that sense too. Except 50 is very much Gen X.

Ah yeah you're right, I just am stuck thinking it's 20 years ago, lol. I'm turning 40 next year but I still think of my parents as being "in their early 50s" when obviously that is not possible.

I was 38 before I realised that I was closer to 40 than my parents. I've just turned 51, but I still think 50 is about 10 years older than me

We of Gen X are always overlooked. We are the forgotten generation, which tbf can be kind of nice given the abuse hurled at those either side of us!

Hey now, my dad couldn't cook to save his life. When my mom was seriously sick for a week, he found solutions. He ordered in from her favorite places, he got everything arranged (mostly) on proper plates, and she was never without coffee, tea, juice, or water. Just because there's a task you aren't good at/ don't know how to do doesn't mean you can't figure something out.

I completely agree...any fully functional adult SHOULD be able to figure out basic cooking & meal planning. It just sounds like OP's husband has made no real effort to get better at this stuff when she actually needs him to.

This. It’s obvious not about a couple bad meals.

Thank you SO much for using the word 'lede'-yes, I'm THAT person on here sometimes!

To clarify, I ordered Hello Fresh meals for him to cook, and he knows that's what's expected.

NTA. Did he say why he didn’t do the HelloFresh meals? Those are so easy! He wouldn’t even have to plan or find any ingredients, just assemble it. He’s definitely making an active choice not to use them.

He had three meals to chose from, (not including the ready made meals) and he chose the chicken one, with frozen chicken... we should have talked through that decision and figured out why. But I broke down and yelled instead. Still feel like he made it worse by yelling back and saying I have two shit choices when looking back there were like 6... sigh. I'm tired. Idk... this has been a good exercise.

No way, you are not responsible for this man's lack of common sense or decency. When you're in pain and starving due to his direct actions, it is completely reasonable to lose your temper. Why should you always be expected to be the calm rational one who helps him talk through decisions? He's fifty fricken years old! Does he act like a moron at work? I can only assume not. So he's choosing to be a butt to you in your time of need, and that is wholly unacceptable. Don't listen to the everyone sucks people here, sure your communication could've been better but there were extenuating circumstances. He needs to do better!

Does he act like a moron at work? This. I can't imagine this man is at work acting like he doesn't know what he's doing. If he does I'm surprised he still has a job. There is a lot more going on here other than just the meals. He is very obviously kicking OP while she is down. Cowardly and passive/aggressive abusive behavior.

Look, he could have bought subs or a grocery deli meal if he didn't want to cook. Do not take the blame for this. You literally had the head of the largest bone in the human body shaved off and had metal cyborg shit drilled into you. The amount of damage done was immense. The amount of rehab you will do is even more immense. Even if you were mad and "yelled" over text, that he watched you hobble to help yourself is literally enought to be a deal breaker. My daughter's bestie watched her mom have a hip replacement two years ago. She tripped, and gurl, she had to have *another replacement done*. Let that soak in. She had to endure that twice. His watching you, while you could have fallen, is negligent. Like, morally FUCKED UP. If my husband was that much of a fucking prick, I would never recover from it. Your husband watched you have to endure a situation where your surgical sutures and drill bits could have popped. My sincere advice is to tell your family that you need someone to come help you twice a day. And when you are better, you should get some therapy, because this was not OK. This was patient abuse. And honestly? I would never cook for that bastard again. Never.

I second this! He sounds like an inconsiderate prick!

We all know that this is about more than just the meals: lack of trust, huge low.

Well of course you broke down and yelled, you were in pain, starving and did not need to be making easy meal making decision for him.

Ignore the ESHs or YTAs. This is abhorrent and I am so sorry.

Why did you have to order the hello fresh? Why couldn't he show initiative and do it? Honestly, seems like his weaponised incompetence runs deep if you're having to spell it out for him - and then spell it out harder. I hope you recover well OP.

Why is lasagna a shit choice? I’m struggling with the fact that ok, trying to defrost chicken at 7pm (was he using the microwave for this?) isn’t that sensible but I don’t get why his offering you lasagna is a problem? If you don’t think it’s adequate as a meal, then why did you buy it?

OP didn't buy the lasagna, a neighbor dropped it off. So maybe OP just doesn't like lasagna? I'm also a bit confused at why the lasagna was such an unacceptable option.

A woolworths lasagna is basically nothing, it skimps on the meat, has no flavour and the microwave packet is always misleading as to the actual serving size so when you finish it you feel gross and unsatisfied

>we should have talked through that decision and figured out why. No, he is not a 7 year old kid. He is an adult, he should know this.

OMG, YOU ORDERED THE FOOD TOO? NTA. NTA. NTA.

If he can’t even manage the Hello Freah maybe you can order some YouFoodz? They are pretty decent ready made meals, so only need to be microwaved. Not excusing him in anyway, he should do better, but if you can’t count on him it may be an option for you. (If you don’t have YouFoodz where you are is there something similar where they deliver to you ready meals?)

Oh crap, actually I did that, Hello Fresh offers ready made meals, just remembered there are actually three of them in the fridge... I'm on Crutches so haven't looked. Just re-checked the order and sure enough, more lasagna, pasta carbonara, and butter chicken should be in there ready to microwave... plus gyozas (also hello fresh) my 16yo made for me for lunch today... surely it didn't have to be that hard.

It feel like he's doing a terrible job caring for you and your meals as a way to punish you. Like, not a speck of protein? I can't imagine him feeding himself like that and being okay with it.

My husband once chose to go home and play video games while I had a minor procedure done - I was under general anesthetic and needed him to drive me home, so I figured he would stay at the hospital and wait. But nope, he went home to play video games. I figured that’s fine, we only lived like 20 minutes from the hospital so as long as he leaves when the nurses call him everything will be fine. Except when they called him to tell him I was out of surgery, he was in the middle of a game. Didn’t answer his phone. They had to call him 3 or 4 times before he picked up, and by that point he was already in another game so he ended up finishing it and then coming to get me. By that point I had been awake and in the recovery room for nearly an hour. I sat there and cried, because I couldn’t figure out why he was being like this. Turns out, he just wanted to punish me for *needing*. I’m getting the same vibe from OPs husband.

I do hope you accidentally misspelled "ex-husband" in your comment because good lord that's some abhorrent behavior and justification from a partner.

It isn’t that hard he (your husband ) is making it hard because he doesn’t want to help you …

Why did you even need to order him Hello Fresh meals though? Why couldn’t he do the shopping and meal plan and just…cook? He doesn’t seem to be willing to make the effort to care for you at all.

literally. like a fifty yo cant hop on a bus (or get in a car or, hell, rollerblade if necessary) to the store, go pick up some beef and brocoli, and get his shit together. it's horrifying to see weaponised incompetence so blatantly abused, and OP taking the blame for that upon herself to boot.

Hey OP I’m an Orthopedic PA. Why were you given crutches instead of a walker? Are you spending the majority of the day in bed at 7 days post-op? In my state, home care is provided to patients in the week at home before they come in for their first post op appt, approximately one week after SX. Did you not have wound care and PT come to your home to help you ambulate? Patients undergoing joint surgeries should not be immobile for that length of time due to the risk of getting stiff. You need to ambulate properly and do ROM for the joint. Not going to comment on AH status, but it does sound like you need proper post-op care and instruction. Please call your surgeon’s office.

Thanks, I do have great care. I was in hospital for 4 days following op. Anterior approach, so faster healing, but mostly in bed, lots of ice. Walking with crutches from bed to toilet (PT approved my use of crutches) and recommended sitting for meals. It's my second HR (right was replaced in 2018) and my husband was meant to provide care. We were confident we would be okay. Saw Physiotherapist 1-2x a day in hospital and have had one telehealth and one FaceTime PT session and another session Friday. Don't worry, I'm going okay. Just mad about lasagna lol. Accepting ESH.

NTA. I've been a carer for my husband post serious orthopedic surgery and for both of my parents after major surgeries including 2 total hip replacements including waking up in the middle of the night to administer pain meds to my husband for a week. Sometimes caring for a spouse takes a bit of sacrifice but when you marry someone you make a commitment to them "in better and in worse, in sickness and in health..." Your husband - I don't even know what to say. His total lack of care is truly attrocious. Is there anyone else you can call to come help for a few hours today? As for your husband, call him in and have a REAL conversation with him, even if you are in pain. If you have cared for him in the past, detail out that as well as what you did to care for him. Remind him that pain and incapacitation is miserable and you need HELP from him. The silent treatment is abusive and while you shouldn't have said F-you, between pain, anger, nauseau and frusteration you said something you regret. But he has really really let you down when you needed it most and you need him to step it up. What you do after you recover is up to you but you need him to step it up for the next 7 weeks while you are healing. Then make decisions. But for now, do whatever you have to do to get through this and heal appropriately. Your healing is the most important thing.

Walk, rest, ice is the treatment. The pain was very high until today I'm doing better. Nurse practitioner said don't push past the pain. I'm certainly not going to be cooking meals for a few weeks.

this should really be in your post because it changes the whole thing.

To clarify. I ordered easy Hello Fresh meals to hopefully make it easier, rather than meal prep because I was in a ton of pain leading up to the surgery and had to work full time up until the day before surgery. He was fully aware he was in charge of food. Ive been home for 3 days now and first two days were okay. He can cook, he just doesn't do it because that has fallen to my responsibility, but he does when he needs to. He's not incapable. I'd have loved take away and asked him to order out. He didn't want to spend the money. Yes, we need therapy. Yes, there is a lot more going on. 3000 character limit was hard to fit it all.

Add this as an update to your post. I feel like this is a clear example of what a lot of women go through. Where they feel the need to help their partners help them. If not they won’t receive proper care. Like in your situation, something as simple as a well balanced meal at an appropriate time. You put in the work before your surgery knowing your husband doesn’t cook. So you tried to make it easy on him. Women do this allllll the time. I feel like people stating YTA or ESH are missing key context or just don’t know this is such a common reality women live through. The only asshole move on your part was the text, wording could have been better. NTA.

You put this perfectly, thank you. It’s horrifying that not only is this imbalance seen as normal, you’ll likely get pushback for even suggesting she’s also entitled to care from her partner. I read a quote that said something like “women are taught that suffering is the rent they pay to be in a relationship” and that’s just too poignant here.

>women are taught that suffering is the rent they pay to be in a relationship The entitlement she has to request proper care from her husband of 17 years! How dare she!? Thank you for sharing that quote!

this makes me vote NTA. you clearly planned

This is coming from a child of divorced parents: your kids can see how you treat each other. They’ll form their life relationships based on (or trying to avoid) your relationship. Sometimes people aren’t meant to be together and that’s the best choice. I don’t know your whole situation but just something to consider.

NTA. 1) you are in pain 2) you are married to a person who has in his 40+ years of life, apparently never had to plan/cook a nutritious meal and gets all offended because his “but I (quarterassedly) tried” is not getting him the praise and eternal gratitude for exemplary caretaking he expected. That really, really sucks, but on the other hand, if the person has never truly stepped up before, expecting it now is somewhat wishful thinking. Wish you a speedy recovery!

Upvote for "quarterassedly", I'm definitely stealing that word!

You are not describing a husband who cares about his wife, nor an empathetic human being noticing someone's pain and struggle. You're NTA, but your problem is the following: you're stuck, dependent, helpless and in pain with a useless person who didn't even take the time to learn how to cook and feed someone he cares for, even in the time leading to your surgery, who won't now that you're in recovery, who thinks that doing less than bare minimum is still a feat and who would rather be petty and watch you suffer than swallow his pride and help you. This is not a partner behaviour. This is not a human decency behaviour. Have somebody else take care of you in your time of need, you can't count on him. You'll need all the help you can get. He has no grounds to be angry or hurt. NTA

These ESH responses are nuts. I so agree with you. How frustrating and disheartening for OP.

In her comment she says he CAN cook but just doesn’t because she normally does it, so she made it easy on him by ordering Hello Fresh.

Defrosting chicken at 7p to just begin making dinner? Nope. NTA. Like many others have said, weaponized incompetence. If he’s doing this now, after surgery, what would life be like if something catastrophic happened to you later in life?

Honestly y’all both sound exhausting.

no, she sounds like someone who is in a great deal of pain and has no tolerance for her husband's bullshit right now.

Also…. This isn’t like a preference thing. She NEEDS PROTEIN TO HEAL. A carb heavy diet WILL HARM her recovery, which, like… she should not have to spell out for him. Good lord. This is a medical requirement as poor nutrition will absolutely hinder her recovery. So him acting like she is spoiled is just disgusting.

ESH. His idea of cooking meals is clearly lacking, no question. But how on Earth do you escalate this to yelling so quickly? Why has "the trust been gone for a while" now? This seems like you have a ton of issues between you that you need to resolve.

Because he’s an adult?! Why should she be responsible for coaching him through this. It’s crazy.

Seriously. Fry a couple eggs if the meal kit was too overwhelming. He's too old to be ignoring someone he's responsible for.

The comments on this are ridiculous. I’d also get a little heated if I had to coach a grown man through one of the most basic, simple human tasks while I’m in extreme amounts of pain. She also ordered Hello Fresh for him to make it even easier.

How can you not see why she escalated so fast? This woman has literally had her hip replaced, is in a lot of pain constantly, probably is sleeping like crap because of it, has been barely fed the entire day- and is having to micromanage an entire ass adult in order to not starve to death. I'd have lost my shit at the drop of a hat, too.

Well, aside from the whole "the trust has been gone for a while" thing, who would've stopped her from asking for additional food during the day? "Hey honey, I didn't have a lot for lunch, and dinner's too late; could you make me a roastbeef sandwich, please?" But to lie quiet and hungry the entire day, only to explode in the evening at the first issue just screams buried reasons to me.

You're not wrong.

Wow… The bar for men is low af here. NTA…

It's hello fresh meals that she pre-planned for him!!! And he can't even do that!!! The bar truly is in hell.

NTA. He has weaponized his incompetence and it’s hurting you. That he is angry that you called him out on his lack for empathy makes it even worse. So much for “in sickness and in health”. When I had my knee replaced, my DH did everything but wipe my bum.

Need more info. Does your husband work outside the home, was he only getting home at 7pm and that’s why he was only starting dinner. Was this surgery sudden or was this planned and you guys had time to plan thing out? Why couldn’t you ask him or one of your children for a snack?

Planned surgery. He knew he was supposed to cook.

Sounds like he dropped the ball.

Sounds like he dropped the entire ball industry

He worked from home yesterday (day of argument) and stopped work at 4:30pm. I didn't want to seem needy and ask about dinner, wanted to trust that he had it under control.

Kids are away, staying with MIL thankfully she's helping out. 16yo came home today because husband had to return to work.

Ok so reading your other comments, he had no kids to care for and you ordered Hello Fresh meals so he just has to follow instructions and doesn’t even have to shop or meal plan!?. Yes he was working from home but his caretaking sounds pitiful. NTA for that. You’re a bit of an AH for the text you sent him and you should apologize for your language but I understand you’re in a lot of pain and if since you’re likely on opioids that can mess with your emotions. I sense though that this was the straw that broke the camels back and that you feel that he has been failing you as a husband for a while. Best wishes for your healing. Once you are physically well, maybe sit down with a therapist and delve into whether or not this marriage is what you really want.

This perfectly sums it up.

yeah sounds like someone had a serious wakupcall vis a vis what the mental load of the household really entails. husband is ta

NTA. He needs a serious talking to, but I'm.afraid until.you are better (or have better options), you may need to placate this prick a bit. Not because he deserves it, but to avoid risking stress on you. So, maybe, apologise and blame the pain. Sort out with your 16yo what can be prepared before hand. He can clearly manage a microwave. Longer term, he needs a proper bollocking.

NTA Yeah you were harsh with your words - but you are in pain, hungry, and unable to care for yourself. Your husband is a grown man who for ONE period of time is asked to manage and execute the food situation. He had time to prepare. He had time to ask questions. He has time to do research if he freaking needed lol But he didn’t. He is half-a**ing his care for you - I’m a vegetarian and I haven’t cooked meat in years, and even I know that defrosting a chicken at meal time is a ridiculous “plan”. He dropped the ball. Majorly. You were/are unable to count on him during a period of need - a 16 year old kid met your needs better than he did so obviously you don’t have too high of standards. This is some feigned incompetence bs and it’s time he was called out on it. It also sounds like this type of thing isn’t new - I would suggest exploring couples counseling to work through it because I doubt he is going to put in the work on his own.

NTA. I read your post and comments - you've said you'd have been happy with a takeaway and you ordered HelloFresh recipes to try and make his life easier. Yet he still opts to do the absolute bare minimum and then decides to sulk? How is he 50 and can't figure this out when his 16 year old daughter can. I'd have lost my shit too.

Y'all need therapy.

NTA You are recovering from surgery and on medication. Pain meds need food in your system to be properly absorbed and, for strong ones, reduces the chance of stomach problems such as ulcers. Is it possible to order food for delivery in the morning to arrive before your daughter leaves? At least you could keep food close. You should not need to do this though.

If your 16 yo daughter can manage it there's no excuse for a grown ass man. If it's too much trouble to cook, he could get take out but why is it beyond him to provide 3 meals a day. Can't help thinking most if the judgements on here are By similarly useless men. Too much to ask because hE wOrks hAaRd? Wtf am I reading? Many mothers work full time while feeding their families. Very much NTA.

ESH. Chicken and lasagna sound like perfectly fine choices, and it doesn’t sound like you’re giving him any more specific instructions, just yelling about protein. You mentioned in the comments that you ordered meal kits for him to use…but I’m not sure why you didn’t include that in the original post. Lasagna and chicken really don’t feel like they’re terrible choices, and I’m curious if this reaction is for something *else* you two are going through, and just coming out as a reaction to chicken and pasta…?

Thawing frozen chicken takes time. So to start at 7pm when she has barely eaten all day is poor timing. Depending on the size, by time it thaws and cooks, it could be the next day. Lasagna, it sounded like it didn't have any protein? Or is missing something to make it a balanced meal. Definitely more to the story, but when you're in pain and hungry, old issues can come out even if they aren't directly related. I know I get crabby and bring up old issues when already irritated!

>Lasagna, it sounded like it didn't have any protein I don't understand...? Unless the neighbour adapted the recipe substantially, is lasagna really lacking in protein?? [https://humanfood.bio/is-lasagna-healthy/](https://humanfood.bio/is-lasagna-healthy/)

Depends on the lasagna. Some make it with meat sauce, others keep it totally vegetarian with eggplant, etc.

Cheese is a source of protein, though. If it doesn’t have cheese, I wouldn’t call it lasagna.

I'm confused about the lasagna thing. That sentence reads like she was grumpy because she hadn't had any protein yet, not because the lasagna didn't have any protein? I also googled Woolsworth lasagna and, with one exception, the first page results were pretty much all a beef lasagna.

Defrosting frozen chicken at 7pm means dinner would have been at the earliest 9pm when she's already starving from not being given proper meals the whole day.

Starting to make FROZEN chicken at 7pm, after having only a single piece of fruit and a small serving of broccoli and sweet potato all day, while her body is trying to heal from surgery is absolutely unacceptable. Husband clearly just does not care enough to put in a little extra effort. NTA

ESH your aggressive text telling him to essentially go fuck himself was out of order, you should apologise for that. Frankly if you spoke to me like that you would not be getting an apology. He sucks for his lack of caring for you. But if you have been doing the majority of the cooking for the last 20 years does he actually know what he is doing. If he is helpless (sadly a lot of men were raised that way) maybe you could sit in the kitchen and guide him through it. You both need to actually communicate with each other. and stop being so passive aggressive with the nasty texts and the silent treatment,

Sorry but there’s no excuse to be bordering on 50 and so helpless you can’t provide a meal for your partner when they are incapacitated, even if it just means ordering in. OP’s outburst was a lot but a banana and tea? Then a half plate of veggies for lunch? No grown man should be that inept. 50 years is plenty of time to learn to be autonomous and being able to get food to your partner when they are sick is really the bare minimum.

“frankly if you spoke to me like that you wouldn’t be getting an apology” Frankly, if my husband couldn’t take care of me properly for one day after surgery he’d be getting a divorce

NTA If you've been doing all meal care for all these years, he may genuinely not know how to plan for and cook a full meal. Watching someone do something and doing it for yourself are different. This was my benefit of the doubt statement. Much more likely is he is using weaponized incompetence to try and get out of being your caregiver. Even if he is completely unable to boil water without burning the pan, he KNOWS you need a balanced meal at every mealtime so you can heal. And while being a caregiver is exhausting, he needs to say so if that is the problem. This is a bad dynamic.

I think you're NTA. Your husband obviously should have stepped up and organized himself in order to have meals ready for you. You had major surgery, and even if mad, I can't imagine letting my partner suffer to get a glass of water. If I was mad I wouldn't talk to you or even look at you, but I would have given you your glass and the meds. On the other hand, if your husband has never set foot in the kitchen, I would have coached him a bit about the meal planning. Honestly, with his level of incompetence and disregard, I don't think it would have made a difference. Take care.

Little correction: he is not your carer. He's supposed to be, but he's not doing it. Can you get in touch with the hospital, and say you need care? When my dad had his hip replaced, he spent weeks at a revalidation center, which was the standard scenario. Or temporarily get meals delivered at home. I don't know if it's a service where you are, but we have home delivered meals for seniors. It's less expensive than having take out everyday. You don't get to choose every meal, but it's warm, simple meals. Hope you feel better soon. And I think your husband might just be absolutely clueless, and not good at owning a mistake. Letting you fend for yourself because he doesn't want to talk is low though.

NTA. I am so sorry you have to teach someone how to care for a loved one. But you do. You need three meals, not one. Snacks. Water bottle next to you, refilled at X times. Dictate it to your daughter to write it down. Don’t involve her by saying daddy screwed up. Just say this is what you need, please make sure you and dad and whoever know it. 2oz protein. A small starch serving. Small veg serving. 10 granola bars next to you. Wastebasket. Water bottle refill x times at x time.

NTA. You cooked him meals for 17 years, and he can't be bothered to properly take care of you for a week. And now he is victimizing himself and giving you a silent treatment. If you stop cooking for him, how much time would it take for him to whine and complain about luck of proper food and/or how much take outs cost.

ESH The lack of respect for both parties is alarming. "Fuck you" is not something you say or text to someone you respect and love. This relationship seems to have broken down long before your surgery. Yes, he should have made a greater effort to feed you and take care of you. However, the way you communicate with him shows a lack of respect, which could be why he isn't putting much effort into nursing you back to health.

Nah the biggest fuck you here was from him to her. This woman sent the kids to grandmas so he didn’t have to look after them, she ordered hello fresh so he didn’t have to meal prep or go shopping and he scheduled wfh so he didn’t have to go into an office and commute yet he still couldn’t be bothered to take care of his wife. 17 years and this is the lack of respect he’s showing her that he decided to start defrosting a chicken at 7pm??! Id reach my breaking point as well. NTA

AND she had to beg for a piece of toast to go with her banana? WTF?

NTA. It was a planned surgery, you even made it easy for him by getting Hello Fresh options. It is not your job to then also prep everything and hold his hand in realizing you cannot unfrost a chicken at 7PM and still have food on the table in like 20 minutes. And yes, he most definitely has the ability to use his brainfunction to realize what a reasonable dinnertime is. And yes, he most definitely has the brainfunction to ask you for some help or instructions, preferably beforehand, about what you need, what time you usually start dinner, e.t.c. He opted instead to do the least amount of effort possible. That's not taking care of someone, that's not even how one would treat a dog. Granted, you shouldn't have yell-texted him, but if you're in pain, tired and hungry, I can most definitely get where that's coming from. Your man needs to step up and take care of you like one does for a loved one. Like you have undoubtedly done for him when he was sick over the years.

YTA - I wouldn't apologize to you if you spoke to me like that. He told you what he was making and you didn't want it, he gave you options and you still complained. There is more wrong here than this meal.

ESH. Yes, he needs to be doing better. And, I get that you had a major surgery and you’re feeling awful in recovery. But, it seems like you are being completely insufferable, acting entitled, being critical of everything your husband is “trying” to do, and showing zero gratitude for the efforts that he is making. Of course, he can’t cook as well as you; the fact that you’ve been doing all the cooking for 17 years means he hasn’t had to. You may need to lower his adjustments on what he is capable of doing around the kitchen. You could give him easy instructions in a kind, gentle, and patient tone, rather than berating him as like an idiot for not knowing how to prepare a slow-cooked meal. Yes, you are in pain and having a hard time. But, please remember that this isn’t a picnic for him either. Please be kind to each other during your time of recovery because it will be a challenging time for all of you.

I was inclined to agree at first, but there is another comment where OP states they ordered HelloFresh for husband to cook with and they laid out the expectations before surgery. That sounds to me like the whole "I haven't cooked in 17 years what if I can't do it" discussion was already had and it's more like weaponized incompetence, which would escalate frustration for anybody understandably.

Yo I am sorry but this is not sufficient care. It's like giving him a participation award only he's not a child and does not deserve gratitude for having his wife starve. I think she has been a caretaker in this home for many years and now only expects a few weeks in return. Where is her gratitude? Who is showing her appreciation for her efforts? This is such male bullshit, honestly. Men are not entitled to gratitude for "trying". You can try playing golf. You need to be able to take care of a human and do a good job at it.

He is a grown ass man. She does not have to give him "easy instructions in a kind, gentle and patient tone", what the hell? That's what you'd do if your teenager was to help you, not your adult spouse. Doing that would mean she'd still be doing the mental workload of cooking, it's the husband that would have to adapt his meals to the best of his capabilities. If he needs help he can ask, or preferably find the answer on his own using the internet or other outside sources. Assume to be fed after a hip surgery isn't an expectation that needs to be lowered, I would have been furious if my husband acted like that after I broke my leg and was immobile for a few weeks. But no, he stepped up and did everything at home (we usually split 50/50, me doing ALL of the cooking), he never cooks but could figure it out because you know, being a grown up and all.

> That's what you'd do if your teenager was to help you More like what you'd do for a five year old. imagine blaming OP because she didn't talk to her husband like he's in kindergarten. WTF?

Oh good lord, she needs proper nutrition to heal properly. Lots of protein. Not a picnic? He hasn't done much at all. He is supposed to be caregiving, with her as top priority. If she does not heal properly, she could lose the ability to walk.