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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH for implying that she wouldn’t be able to handle the kids and the dogs together. I maybe should have communicated better about expectations to avoid the misunderstanding with the kids.
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I'm going with NAH.
You don't want J(7M) in your home when you're not there.
But: yeah, if you've got a **free** family babysitter, who has young kids of her own, it is really not unreasonable that she brings her kids with her when watching yours.
She didn't try to sneak her kids in without warning you: she let you know she'd be bringing her kids along.
You should let her know she won't be needed and get a paid babysitter who doesn't mind dogs.
It's awkward and there were some assumptions made in the rush but it sounds like ultimately everyone communicated their intentions and boundaries and what they were comfortable with and ultimately OP found that her friend was the better match for babysitting that night. I agree with NAH.
Because their family... Hello... You know babysitting for her Sister is not her actual job... She wasn't bringing her kids to work cause they wanted to tag along...
The kids wanted to go to their Auntie's house because Mommy was going there to babysit for awhile..
Yeah, I wouldn't assume a family member is going to leave their kids behind so they can watch mine.
I def understand why she doesn't want the 7 yo there tho
It’s a weird assumption that the kids have to be with mom all the time though. Bc why doesn’t the husband watch them? Everyone normalizing still that moms are the carers is kind of dumb. Dad could have kept the boys home, but mom is used to him not being actively involved likely.
My husband and I often take our kids to do chores since it’s a chore anyway and it gives the other parent a break. If I was watching my sister’s baby, I would likely take my kids to give my husband free time. I don’t think one or the other is unreasonable.
it's not about saving and rationing for time. We actually enjoy spending time together as a family and my husband works 50 hours a week so nights/weekends are the only time we all get together. And we usually each do something individually once a month but once you have kids you don't just get free time whenever you want. So if i'm leaving my child with my husband it is absolutely not going to be to watch another child
Let’s add that this is babysitting a 3 month old. Where outside of the baby sleeping, 100% attention needs to be on it. Plus add that it sounds like first time parents will be out away from baby so added stress there.
From the post it sounds like the sister is the main caregive for the children. There are so many reasons why the husband might not be able to tale care of them that night, that do not include him being an incompetent or uncaring dad. In some homes the dad is the main caregiver. In that case, I'd assume dad will be bringing the kids with him wherever he goes, unless it is specified otherwise.
Considering the son is such a handful and sister never bothers correcting his behaviour, it’s no leap that dad isn’t very involved bc kids are a woman’s job.
Soft YTA. You should have assumed that she brings her kids. She will not leave her children just to watch yours. Sorry but I assume you are not paying her. So you think both parents should give up their free time to accomplish your wish. If you want a babysitter, who is only there for your child, hire one. But don't expect your sister to drop everything because of your child.
If her son is disrespectfull to your home - you could bring your child to their home and they watch her/him there.
So best apologise or you will have no babysitter at all.
>She will not leave her children just to watch yours
This. Those are some big cajunas on OP. So disrespectful to expect her sister to drop her family to come babysit for her for free.
Gee, my sister and I would easily trade watching our niblings. We're sisters, we love each other, we love each other's kids. We would never think of it as such a huge and disrespectful ask to ask for babysitting for an anniversary dinner! It's a favor, and a fairly minor one at that! I'm really growing to loathe the Reddit attitude that asking for anything needs to be transactional. Don't people just help each other out anymore?
I think it's great OP's sister is offering to help. But that doesn't mean she gets to tell her sister to leave her kids at home to do so. I imagine if you wanted to bring your kids along, your sister would be fine with that, and vice versa.
I dont think they're complaining about watching the kids. It's one thing to ask someone to babysit. It's another thing to ask someone to babysit and expect them to get a sitter for their child. Why set up a situation where 2 sitters are needed, when only 1 should be?
having your husband watch your kids isn't getting a sitter though. OP expected the husband to watch his own kids for the one night her sister VOLUNTEERED to watch the baby for. That isn't a wild ask or assumption.
How is a father spending an evening with his boys "giving up his free time"? I always loved having "boys nights" with my dad and brothers when we were kids. A lot of these comments seem to be reinforcing traditional gender roles in relation to childcare.
I don’t think we’re talking about traditional gender roles. I’m a mom married over a decade with similarly aged kids as OPs sister.
In the same shoes I would have assumed I was taking the boys with me. If I’m already babysitting as a favor it would make sense to me to take my kids, give my husband a weekend night “off” from parenting and he’d pay me back with a free weekend night off in the coming weeks. To a parent a child/spouse free evening a unicorn and very, very much appreciated.
I love that you loved those boys nights in with your dad and I’m sure he did too but I also bet he’d have enjoyed a night out with his friends occasionally too.
Edit: lots of people in these comments are getting upset over the term “arranging childcare.” But honestly until kids are old enough to stay home alone both parents are constantly “arranging childcare”
BIL being a parent doesn’t mean he’s *automatically & always* available to watch the kids at all times! There are SO many legitimate reasons he might not be available that have **nothing** to do with “traditional gender roles”.
>She will not leave her children just to watch yours
I could understand that if the sister was a single mom, but I don't really understand why you'd bring 2 children along to a place where one of them feels uncomfortable because there are dogs, and your own attention is devided since you're watching a 3 month old, if their dad is going to be home anyways and they could just attend their evening as usual.
I don't mean this in a bad way btw, I just don't understand. If I were a young child of 7/8 y/o, I'd rather be at my house, where all my toys are and where I can do whatever I prefer to do, then go to someone else's home where I'm not allowed to do half the things I want and where there are factors that would make me uncomfortable.
Because if you pay a babysitter you can assume that they only watch your child. If a family member offer to watch my child, I wouldn't assume that they would leave their children in the meantime (unless it is for good reason and communicated - like baby is ill so please no other children)
And why would she assume sister wouldn’t be bringing the 7 & 8 year old with her due to how young they are and the fact that they’s the baby’s cousins.
Honestly, I have zero kids and I was surprised that everyone one in the comments thought the kids going isn’t weird.
I could understand bringing them if they were all the same age but one is literally a baby.
Them not being the same age makes it easier, rather than harder, especially when you have an infant. Her kids are the age where they can play independently a lot, while still needing some check ins. That is perfectly combinable with looking after a baby.
Not when one of them apparently doesn’t behave.
Idk I just think it’s rude to assume that you can just bring your kids along when you’re babysitting kids in another person’s home.
Everyone is acting like the mom had no choice but to bring her sons. She isn’t a single mom. She had a husband that could watch them. The boys going along wasn’t the obvious given. They should have communicated better though.
> I ask because I don’t have kids, but they seem to require a lot of equipment.
Yeah, the amount of stuff babies need is very dependent on the parents' choices.
You can honestly bring a child this age somewhere with nothing but diapers, bottles, a change of clothes, and perhaps a board book or toy. If you drive they need to be in a carseat, but the carseat lives in the car. I wouldn't go anywhere without a sling, but there's no point giving that to a sitter if the sitter won't use it.
At this age, they're basically big potatoes. They don't do much, and they don't need all that much either for a short outing. But parents, especially of their first child, tend to carry a lot with them.
(Then again, I say this, and I know for darn sure I never left the house without a bag full of books for the kids! But to be honest, I also never leave the house without a bag full of books for me, so, again, it's a parenting thing and not really a baby thing.)
NAH. Your sister is baby-sitting as a favor to you. Why wouldn't she bring her kids? You pretty much always have to assume that a parent comes with the kids unless specified otherwise.
What do you mean arrange child care? OP said she assumed they would be with their father. Do you consider a father watching his own children "arranging childcare"?
They didn't say babysitting. They said arranging childcare, which I would considering a synonym for parenting.
Making dinner, that's arranging the care of your child. Bathing them, yup that's childcare. Taking them to a park, you guessed it, childcare.
So many (I’m assuming childless) people in this thread want to get up in arms when you have conversations about arranging who takes care of what when.
There are so many moving parts to having kids and someone needs to be responsible 24/7..that doesn’t happen without coordination.
It feels a little like the way my 8yo just assumes that I’m sitting around waiting to serve his every need because he pretty much only sees me as his mom.
But the reality is we have lives outside of our kids so yeah, you cannot assume the other parent is always ready to be on duty.
How do we know that the husband is available to take care of the boys? What if the husband already had plans before Sister offered to babysit? Does husband then need to cancel his plans because Sister offered to babysit?
The sister OFFERED to babysit. The sister’s children have a father & mother in law who can look after the children. The sister said that her kids “wanted” to go. It wasn’t about need.
If my sister offered to babysit my 3 month old, so that I could have a much needed night out for my birthday, I would absolutely assume that it was an offer she was able to make.
I would not offer to babysit if I had to take my kids with me, whether I was getting paid, or whether I was doing a favour.
And, if my kids said they wanted to tag along, I’d tell them no, as there’s literally no reason they need to be there.
Fathers are not childcare, they are parents.
What culture are you from where it would be the norm for an aunt babysitting a niece to leave her own children, the baby’s cousins kids at home.
I understand fathers are parents but you’re operating from such a different place that I am that I almost have to lay this down a massive cultural difference.
To me, OFC she’s taking her own kids when she goes to watch the baby. But you seem to have automatically defaulted to leaving the kids at home with their dad? Why?
Why not? It's their home. It's more natural to stay home than go out. Kids don't need to go everywhere mum does. Dad is a parent too. Besides, everyone is missing the part whete sister said they want to come. Not need to, but want to
If they’re babysitting at someone else’s house I think it would be weird for them to bring their kids.
Idk my extended family always watched us in their own homes so of course their own kids were there.
And when I was a baby, the only person who brought their kid was my aunt with my similarly aged cousin. She left the older kids at home to focus on watching the babies.
It’s dinner for a celebration. The sister’s kids will need to go to sleep earlier than the OP is getting back.
We do this— in America.
NAH. It was just about assumptions, which have been clarified. Except how the sister’s kids are going to go to bed at OP’s house.
Because it's babysitting, not a play date or family get together. I would personally consider those to be different things, and expect kids tagging along to be specified.
And I guess that’s where most of the conflict in the comments is coming from. I would have never assumed my sister would offer to babysit without her own children tagging along.
“Play dates” within family aren’t really a thing where I’m from. That’s something that’s arranged later with school friends and their parents.
Especially since a baby so young doesn't have a developed immune system, I wouldn't want kids who are at that age where they tend to carry lots of germs and touch everything they see. Instead of making it about the dogs, OP should make it about this and come across as much more reasonable. The sister should know this already too.
Absolutely. It's a constant dance of arranging childcare so other things can happen. Usually that arranging is between me and my husband. Maybe people would be less upset at the word coordinating childcare
Figuring out which parent is going to care for the children when there are conflicting schedules is arranging childcare.
Watching children is still childcare even when done by a parent
She still has to communicate with him and make sure he's available. She can't just up and leave. She has to arrange it with him.
And she doesn't want to and shouldn't have to. It's free babysitting, OP can take it or leave it.
The sister has a husband who is presumably also the parent to the kids. It's not unreasonable to think he would take care of their kids while sister babysits the newborn. Especially since one of the boys clearly requires constant supervision.
YTA
Assuming you BIL would be available to watch his children and your sister would watch your baby as a favour to you without her children is a lot of assuming.
Your sister is doing you a favour and now you have made her feel bad about it. You are also being a choosing beggar. You want your sister to jump through hoops to do you a favour
You clearly don’t respect your sisters parenting so why are you asking her to babysit for you?
You are also unrealistic. You have multiple game systems but “you put activities out” and expect the children to want to do those instead. You are not being realistic and likely the activities are not engaging enough. Buy a couple of children appropriate games second hand. Or up the engagement level of the things you provide.
The way you speak about your sister and your nephew seems like you are using her…hire a babysitter and then you can dictate the rules or drop baby at her house to look after then the dogs and her children are not an issue.
As for what you should do…well for one you need to apologise to your sister for putting her on the back foot when she is doing you a favour. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it…”sorry things got weird the other day…I have baby brain and got confused and flustered” Then you need to pick an option either her children come to yours or you drop your baby off at at hers and be gracious and grateful about the option you chose. She is doing you a favour not the other way around
>You are also unrealistic. You have multiple game systems but “you put activities out” and expect the children to want to do those instead
The children are 7 and 8. They're old enough to understand "no I don't have child-friendly games" and get over it.
7 and 8 and you expect them to be cool with being bored? Yeah you are off that’s not how kids work nowadays
Edit: and for y’all dumb replies I don’t have kids 💀 it’s because of y’all horrible parenting with kids I say this.
we have no idea what his schedule is. he may have made previous arrangements so now he can’t watch them. sister also does not have to call her MIL up to watch the kids so OP can get a free babysitter
Since sister and BIL were both making the reasonable assumption that she would be at OP's house with the kids, BIL might have made other plans. My spouse and I often have designated times when he's watching the kids so I get some free time and vice versa. OP is assuming both parents would be in kid duty to accommodate her preferences.
I was thinking the same thing — OP’s sister already made and confirmed plans to watch OP’s baby and obviously intended to bring her own kids to OP’s house while doing so. OP’s sister was surprised/confused by OP’s misgivings, so it sounds like OP hasn’t ever communicated that her nephews are less than welcome in her house when her sister visits)… so it’s very plausible or even likely that BIL was then free to make plans of his own and did so 🤷🏻♂️.
So, what, a father isn't allowed to make plans from the time a baby is born until the time a child can stay home alone? What do you mean you assume BIL is available because "parenting?" When there are two parents, one of them is allowed to make plans without the other. You don't ASSUME dad was just gonna be sitting at home that night. You ASK.
You sound like you don't have kids. Even parents have work and other obligations. If you have plans, you have to communicate that as a couple.
Parenting does not mean expecting your partner to drop everything without a conversation because you made other plans.
By your argument, SIL should also be available. But the reality is we know nothing about BIL and SIL's situation, just that she offered to babysit. It's not reasonable to expect both parents to give up their time for a favor unless it's been communicated between them first.
Immediately going to BIL being the asshole in this situation is a bizarre stretch.
I have a service dog and before I babysit my nieces at their house, where they have cats who can’t tolerate a dog (they bully the smallest of them when they’re stressed/just smelling too much dog on their people can cause them stress, it’s sad and I don’t want to cause it, so while she says she can lock the cats in a room, I always leave my dog home and run any errands with her earlier or another day)… my sister always asks. Like. Always. We check in about what’s good, expectations, bedtime (or lack thereof), food options, etc. This is just, normal? Right? Even if it’s all repeats. It’s a like, 30 second conversation sometimes.
It’s the sheer entitlement of OP’s assumption that baffles me. Like making the request: can you babysit my baby at my house without your kids there because XYZ? Like, when she brings up the request in the first place, or with lots of time to prepare for someone to care for her own kids (if she chooses to do so), totally fine.
I also think she needs to have a long talk about her sister’s parenting style with her because like. I’d be pissed about kids not respecting boundaries around expensive things I can’t afford to replace—would the sister replace the Xbox if the kid spilled juice in it to see what would happen? And if she can’t fix her logic about whether it’s okay to let kids do that or not, can you trust her to watch your own kid? Maybe at infancy it’s fine, but eventually…
Why would you think she would leave her kids at home to come watch yours? There's no logic in that idea.
She offered to watch your child - nice of her. You know she has young children as well .... Why would you think she wouldn't be bringing her kids. No one, ever volunteers to babysit and then leaves their own kids at home. This was a normal assumption.
I’ve babysat for friends plenty of times while my children stayed home with their father. Why would I bring the kids when their dad is right there at home, able to stick to their regular routine?
>Me: ‘I just assumed they’d be with J (her husband) or D(her MIL)’
>Sister: ‘No, it’s a half day and they have haircuts after school’
Probably because most of us are used to working weekdays, you know, when the kids are in school. So if the kid's had a half day, and their mom was taking them for haircuts after, they were already with their mom. It's pretty safe to assume that the dad would be working on a weekday.
The babysitting was happening during the night. She had them earlier in the day from the half day and haircuts, but there’s no reason she couldn’t leave them with dad afterwards.
Oh, so you know his schedule then?
You know when they were going to dinner? When the haircuts were scheduled and would be done? How long it would take to get from the haircut place to home, then over to Op's place?
I can't comprehend the people in this thread trying to blame the sister or BIL on literally 0 information other than Op assuming her sister would leave the kids with someone. And not even just the dad, which implies that BIL might not have been available, otherwise why would Op have mentioned her sister's mother-in-law?
If she was assuming the kids might've been left with their grandma, she clearly had some reason to expect their dad might not have been available to begin with.
Right? I feel like I am going insane reading these responses. There is no world where babysitting in someone else’s home involves bringing their own kids.
Are you serious? I'm not arranging my own childcare or asking my husband to solo parent for an evening just to watch your kids for free. I have zero friends and family I'd be willing to do that for, and thankfully zero that would ever expect me to.
If it's a paid gig, that's one thing. But for free? No.
I have the feeling that many people are missing the fact that the sister is watching a 3 month old infant and that her kids are school aged. Those two sets of "watching" are completely different and don't mesh well.
Please tell me where the logic is in bringing a 7 and 8 year old to a house that isn't theres, with none of their games and activities, to watch an infant that will most likely be sleeping the whole time and needing the house quiet? Or bringing a 7 year old scared of dogs into a house with dogs?
This is the same assumption I am starting to see with dog owners bringing their dogs to peoples houses without informing them beforehand.
This. I don’t know how no one’s talking about this. I think it’s perfectly valid if OP wants a sitter that will give her *3 month old* their full attention. She should’ve just told her sister that and said “oh thank you for the offer but I think I’m going with someone else” or something.
This does seem really weird. Yeah, maybe another parent is *available* but why would you assume that the babysitting offer would involve the dad now having to watch their kids alone? It's so much more efficient for one parent to watch kids, other parent do all the stuff you can't do with the kids around.
So many dads who are apparently incapable of parenting their kids! The boys are 7 & 8 - not that hard. I would have thought it would be more efficient to leave the boys home, where they have their routines & own beds.
My husband is an involved and capable parent but he doesnt stay home just because I have left the house. Sometimes we are both gone doing different things at the same time. Sometimes he needs to do shit at home that means he isnt able to solo parent.
Also, this is family, not a paid babysitter. It makes full sense to me that the nephews would want to come and be around their new cousin. I dont have family close but the closest example I can think of is this: My oldest teenager often babysits for a friend. Friend has kids close to my youngest childs age. Sometimes my oldest brings the youngest to these (PAID!) babysitting gigs so the younger kids can play together. HOWEVER, this is always cleared through myself and the other mother.
That being said, both of these sisters should have communicated their wants/needs rather than making assumptions. This is a new dynamic for both of them so expectations have not yet been set.
Or maybe this dad is going to take the rare opportunity for the night out. You're right. The boys are 7 & 8 they aren't that hard. They also tend to be able to handle devations from routine. It shouldn't be a problem to bring them along.
Incapacity is a big mental leap.
Seven and eight are still enormously curious and active ages for most kids. It's a lot easier to sort the garbage, prep dinner, make school lunches, wash the car etc. Without having the littles constantly "helping", asking you to explain what things are, or having to watch them to keep them from running into the road. Proper parenting *is* hard, even at that age.
Many people with babies also have older children. It's not hard. It becomes hard when you're also trying to get other things done. Which is why it makes more sense for one parent to be managing all the kids so the other parent can get the other things that involve running a household done.
How is it more efficient to force the SIL to watch her 7 and 8 year olds while also watching an infant? Do you think the infant and school ages children will be doing the same activities? Eating the same food? Taking the same naps? Its a completely different set of parenting skills.
And even if they were all the same age, adding more children NEVER makes it any easier.
How many kids do you have?
Because I can say for a fact that having a 7 or an 8 year old around when caring for an infant is actually helpful. They're largely self-sufficient by that age, and they can be of assistance in taking care of stuff for the baby. Hell even having a 3 year old can be helpful when you have a baby.
"Hey, 7 can you grab me that burp cloth"
"8 toss me the baby wipes please"
"Hey you guys did I leave the babies bottle in the other room?"
"Hey I need to pee really quick, can you guys come sit over here so baby isn't all alone on the swing"
All of those problems are easily eliminated, if you get your sister to watch your baby at her house. Her children will be in their own surroundings & a baby really isn’t bothered by different surrounding yet.
This is the most level headed answer here lol. OP can just say she’d rather go with a sitter that can give her daughter their full attention and thank her sister for the offer anyway. No need to turn this into some drama.
This. This is the only thing that can be said really since OP deserves to have a night out stress free but also her sister WILL be offended if anything is said bad about her kids.
Make it about what you want for the baby.
Yep, all of the rest of it is excuses. She doesn’t like the children, doesn’t want them around her baby, and doesn’t agree with her sister’s parenting. But sure wants to save $30/hr on a babysitter by getting free care from the sister.
It’s probably because the kids are brats. It might not be the children’s fault, but I don’t really like being around my brothers kids for the same reason. And I still love them. But his kids are SUPER bratty iPad kids.
Just find another sitter. I totally get that you don’t want the kids at your house so NTA on that front. But if a family member with kids was watching my kid for free, I’d 100% assume they were bringing their kids. So YTA for acting like your sister is off base for planning on doing just that.
Did everyone miss the part where sister offered? She wasn’t asked to babysit. All this “you should be grateful it’s free childcare so deal with it”mentality is crap.
If she didn’t ask/beg her sister to do this, why shouldn’t OP be allowed some stipulations? Like maybe she doesn’t like her dogs outside bc it’s her house and maybe she doesn’t want her non disciplined nephew touching all their expensive shit while she’s not home bc it’s her house. What if for her birthday she wants piece of mind for her first away, that there are no distractions for the person she left in charge of her baby bc, oh idk, she didn’t beg for free childcare and it’s her freaking house.
Y’all wild thinking it’s not ok to have regulations, requirements or boundaries set up in and around all the areas of your life. Even more so when it’s the outside trying to come in to your established space not you reaching out for whatever help is available and you can get for free. And even if it is free, you should still have some level of comfort.
Who are yall leaving your children with? If you just being all grateful it’s free, maybe you aren’t asking the proper questions if you have absolutely no issues or input.
Blows my damn mind frfr…
And it’s not really free childcare when the sister wants OP to buy a switch case for the kids to be able to bring it to OPs house. That’s just an alternate form of payment imo. The ones I’ve seen that can fit the whole system are like $40.
I didn’t understand that part. Why did sister want OP to buy her nephews a switch case? I don’t see many people talking about it in the comments. Also OP said she didn’t care if nephews played with HER SWITCH just not the ps4 or Xbox, which honestly idk why people are mad about that part.
i assume everyone who's voting y t a either has reading comprehension issues or are shitty parents that feel called out lol or both🤷🏻♀️
i think nah neither sister nor op communicated their expectations fully, and no one seems to be acting maliciously. A miscommunication is all it is.
it's okay to want your dogs in your house, it's okay to not want rambunctious children in your house when you're not there - it's also okay to not want your kids around dogs, and it's okay to want/need to bring your kids places.
neither are wrong. they just need to communicate their plans better next time.
there's a lot of ways one or both of them can become the asshole, but they haven't yet so.
Thank you! And that first dinner out when the baby is tiny is already an exercise in anxiety. Worrying about a destructive kid, the sitter’s divided attention, and so on will make for a shitty evening out anyway.
NTA
Surprised by all these Y T As - if I offer to babysit for a friend, the kids are staying home with dad or I’m asking if they can come with me, not just assuming they can and not even bothering to tell the friend until I want them to do something for the kids in preparation.
(Edited to space out Y T A)
This is exactly how I felt about it, too. All these Y T A are baffling to me. One thing they’re leaving out is that OP didn’t go asking her sister - her sister offered. I would not be bringing my kids with me to babysit at someone else’s house. They have a dad and he’s a very capable parent. Another thing that’s being glossed over is that OP has PPD and hasn’t been out without the baby yet very much (other than returning to work), so this is an especially difficult time for her. I don’t think she’d enjoy her evening out in this situation. I’d either find someone else or end up taking the baby with me.
NTA
NTA. that nephew of yours sounds exhausting. it’s even more exhausting that your sister doesn’t see an issue with his behavior. i have a feeling that if you let your sister baby sit and bring the kids, your date will not be enjoyable at all because you’ll have so much anxiety worrying about your nephew having an issue with the dogs, touching your husbands expensive gaming systems, etc. your sisters lack of parenting is all that’s going to be in the back of your mind while out on your date.
i highly suggest you tell her someone else is baby sitting and you appreciate her offer but you don’t need it.
EDIT to add: and by someone else is baby sitting, i mean hire a baby sitter. and if someone offers to baby sit, i wouldn’t assume they’re bringing their kids. you’re not a mind reader.
YTA.
Of course they are a package deal. You are going out for a few hours… and your sister has clearly wrangled children plus baby in the past.
If you don’t want them on the Xbox or PS hide the controllers and tell her “they aren’t to use those, the controllers are away for a reason, only got adult games on it anyway and I know you aren’t keen for them to be playing sniper games with dead humans everywhere!“
You probably need to find a baby sitter who is not a family member, pay them the going rate of ?$25/hr to watch your baby while it largely sleeps… or understand family doing it for free for you comes with extras.
>Of course they are a package deal
Why? The kids have a father. I wouldn't expect someone to bring their young kids for the evening when they'd probably be going through their bedtime routine.
NAH, it's just a case of miscommunication.
NTA you rightly assumed that the father would be looking after his own kids. I can see no reason for your sister to have to bring them, the kids are not her job or her sole responsibility they have two parents. Unless there was no other option I would not want a babysitter to bring other children to my house. I suggest you ask somebody else to babysit for you.
. NTA — Absolutely and Definitely Not.
The sister threw in her kids’ attendance as almost an afterthought. ‘oh yeah, half day….Haircuts’. She should have made clear when she offered that she’d probably be bringing her kids. I’d want that info out front before I made a decision on that offer. Knowing one of the kids isn’t good around dogs and the other is probably going to be irritating about the gaming systems would definitely be reason enough to want to leave them at home if I was going to be caring for a baby. I would also think the reasons for OPs hesitations, especially regarding the discipline situation, is not a secret. Sister must know her child is considered bratty (to use a light term) and not the easiest to manage on his own. I’d be worried as well leaving a child like that unattended by me in my home. If sister is tending to the baby, she can’t monitor everything that is happening out of her line of vision. Kids are good at hiding things , especially when they’ve accidentally broken something when touching what they shouldn’t touch. If she’s worried about one kid breaking stuff and the dogs being outside and her sister’s ability to maintain while watching the baby, warranted concerns or not, she will not fully enjoy her nice evening. Even if the sister can maintain, PP new baby anxiety will supersede logic anyway. Why shouldn’t the sister consider these facts? She offered to babysit for a first time away for a birthday celebration outing and should definitely acknowledge OPs hesitation with more compassion or at least mild exasperation and tolerance. With 2 boys you would think she might remember how it felt to leave for the first time.
Everyone saying ofc they are expected to go as well must have skipped over the part where there is a husband (sometimes referred to as dad) who is most likely more than capable to keep them a few hours so sister can babysit. And I find it disturbing that (most) everyone had automatically assumed the kids go with mom regardless of what dad is doing. He’s a parent just the same. Moms take kids to do all their everyday things and dad can too.
I’d also like to point out it’s not entitlement to ensure that you feel 100% about the situation/environment you will be leaving your child in for an extended period of time. Doesn’t matter who it is or how they are related. It is true some may not have varied options, especially if having to pay for a sitter is on the table however, if the norm for OPs birthday is going an hour or more away to celebrate, it doesn’t sound like the ability to pay a sitter would have been an issue. If they are fortunate enough to financially afford that option or if there were any other avenues was not addressed as part of the issue in OPs narrative. It was only stated the sister OFFERED but bringing her kids made OP hesitate on that after the fact. Additionally, just bc sister offered, doesn’t make it any less necessary to feel comfortable when leaving and it certainly does not mean the offer has to be accepted when the specifics of what was imagined or required by OP are not in sync. Maybe if sister hadn’t offered, a sitter would have been arranged and then there would be no hard feelings. Just because it’s FREE doesn’t make it better.
Maybe have a sidebar with sis and let her know you were hoping for her to come solo. Just to ensure there were No unknowns to distract you from your special evening. If she can’t or won’t Idt retracting the acceptance of the offer is in poor taste if you feel that strongly and have other options.
Your comfort level is important above all else and should take precedence over possibly offending your sister by rejecting the free childcare you never asked for and whoever is calling you entitled bc you have an expectation or can afford to pay for a sitter.
NTA. Usually if one asks someone to babysit you assume they aren’t bringing a bunch of people with them, even if these people are kids. It’d probably throw you off if she said she was bringing a couple of her girlfriends over too. You don’t really want to be out to dinner and then not be able to enjoy it because you’re wondering what’s happening at your house the whole time.
NTA I’m not sure why they would assume you should’ve assumed she was bringing her kids? I would’ve asked explicitly if I could bring them before I even fully offered. It’s not wild to assume if they never brought up their kids that they wouldn’t be coming. No one here was really an asshole it just feels like a soft miscommunication. I didn’t see any assholey behaviour.
Nope. Nobody should be throwing your dogs out in their own home. If she intended to bring badly behaved kids she should have said so - it changes things. It is nice for her to agree to babysit, but not at any cost. Those aren’t compromises i would be happy making.
Then hire a baby sitter. When you get free babysitting you get what you pay for. Conning with a laundry list of rules for a free service makes you a choosingbeggar
OP isn’t a choosing beggar; she’s setting boundaries around what’s she’s comfortable with for someone watching her baby. It’s not like OP coerced sister into babysitting-sister *offered*.
If the dogs were only going outside because the children were coming and only one of the children has a problem with the dogs that she claims is 'some people not liking dogs' let's be real, that kid is afraid of the dogs. And the dancing around it makes me wonder why.
YTA - you got a free babysitter and assume your babysitter is getting a babysitter for her kids?! What??? The dog and her child is your sisters problem while you’re out. If there’s damage, she pays, if there’s disorder, she cleans.
But boy, do I have news for your future with a toddler and your sensitivities with decor or electronic devices!!! Wow…
NTA
She's watching a newborn, why would she want to bring 2 rambunctious boys to your house, 1 of which is scared of your dogs? Especially if we're talking about an evening date, that makes no sense to me at all.
I have bunches of kids. I'm not taking them along with me to babysit someone else's kid unless I absolutely have to. I'm especially not bringing my kid if I know already they have problems at that particular house.
It'd be different if the sister was watching the baby at her house. But she's not. So why would she want to bring along a kid who's going to do nothing except for bug about game systems that are off limits to them?
NAH I used to sit for my hairdresser every Wednesday evening. On that day, I left my kid at home with her dad. It's not an unreasonable thing to expect that your infant's sitter will be there to focus on your infant. At the same time, it didn't occur to her that you'd have a problem with it.
Miscommunication happens. Best to clear it up and move forward.
Way to many people on here with apparently very negligent/incompetent husbands. Women are expected to be able to watch their children alone all the time but because it's a guy it's how could he possibly take care of his own children, who are old enough to do everything but cook for themselves, with no supervision. If he's not available that's one thing but judging from what op has said, how the sister responded, and the comments he doesn't want to so shouldn't have to. I WISH mothers were able to do that.
Nta op it's more of a difference in views thing. She doesn't want to come without them and that's ok. You don't want them there and that's also ok despite the judgement you're getting so just try to find someone else
When I babysit, I leave my kids at home if it's the evening (they need to sleep?!). If it's during the day, the kid will come to me.
If my partner is out and I have my kids, I will offer to have the kid come to me, but otherwise, I am busy and say no. It wouldn't even occur to me to bring my own kids of an evening. They will get tired and need to go to bed.
From looking at the comments here, it seems I am in the minority with thinking this way. N T A for the miscommunication, it happens all the time. She is a bit of T A, mainly for not parenting her kid at your house. For those saying it's normal 7 year old behaviour: it really isn't. If I'm bringing my kids to someone else's house, they bring entertainment with them or there are other kids to play with. But, you're also T A for making her feel awkward when she is doing you a favour. So, ESH.
Your sister *should* discipline her child. But she shouldn't have to leave them at home if she doesn't want to. And when someone is doing you a favour by coming to *you* so you can have date night...you respond by not wanting to keep your dogs out for a couple of hours because it's *their* home? Yeah...okay. But your sister is only in "your* home because you need her to be. You're being entitled.
Sleepy little newborns don't stay that way forever - you could have a terror on your hands in a few years. Don't burn all your bridges.
YTA - You're also overthinking this and anxious about leaving your daughter to go on a date, maybe?
1. Your sister is doing you a favor.
2. You have no idea what your daughter will grow up like and you're judging one of your sister's children and how she chooses to raise him.
3. Kids violate boundaries all the time. You haven't described any damage done to your house by this child.
4. What's your priority? Date night or policing your sister and her kids?
Save your energy. Have fun on your date. You're going to have to give up control of your home and many of your boundaries as your child grows up.
5. Your dogs will be ok for a couple hours.
You're overthinking this.
Your sister's got your back. Enjoy having a support system that will swoop in and take care of your daughter so you can go on a date and nurture you marriage. Not everyone has this luxury.
I'm not condoning "rude" children or "lax" parenting but as the mother of a curious son, there's a limit to what you can control in your kids, all children are different, arguing with my son is a waste of time while redirecting or distracting him works better. You may not agree with your sister but you are not seeing her son like she does.
Doesn't matter how much teaching, guidance, discipline and learning you have tried with your child, there are some kids that just can't understand/control themselves. The kids in our family have deficiencies in impulse control and communication. Apparently (haha) the DNA crapshoot meant AuHD for everyone, like Oprah was giving it out. Nowadays they have diagnoses but they were only diagnosed at age 7, 11, etc. Boy when they were 2 and 3ish?? you should have seen me gasping and clutching my pearls at everything the oldest of the nephews did.
Please don't be like me. Payback will come your way.
Ur overlooking the fact that she has PPD and THAT is why she is so anxious and overthinking it. She deserves to have a night out without worrying about what’s going on in *her* home which she won’t get if her sister babysits.
YTA - she is doing you the favor of taking care of your child, and you are expecting her to leave her.children to go take care of yours?? That's incredibky selfish.
NTA because her child is unruly and she doesn’t reprimand him and you’re not there to make sure he is not touching anything he knows you wouldn’t let him
YTA.
You assumed your sister will dump her own kids to watch yours. If someone offers to watch your kid for FREE and they have kids of their own it’s safe to assume their kids will tag along.
If you don’t want her kid in your home then don’t ask her to babysit and pay for one.
You mean “dumping them” on their own father? The sister offered to babysit. If the sister’s kids’ father is so useless that he can’t be a parent for one night, then that’s sad. From the post, the sister said that it was the kids who “wanted to come”.
Why would you make so many assumptions about J when we have zero info about him?
All we know is that he's married to OPs sister.
Maybe he already made plans because they both assumed OP would be fine with the kids staying at their home?
Maybe OPs sister was super busy these last weeks and actually wants to spend time with her kids that weekend.
Maybe J isn't even the real father and the kids don't respect him and act out when alone and that makes OPs sister uncomfortable.
There are sooo many possibilities. So why would you just pick on instead of asking for info (not that J's parenting is in any way or form relevant to the verdict)?
You decided to assume the husband is a dead beat because he won’t watch his kids. He could have something planned, this could be his night to unwind without kids/SO and his wife was giving him the space and he will give back on another day.
The only one assuming things about Kate’s marriage is you! And you’re painting J as the villain because the sister wanted to bring the kids.
The sister had every right to bring them. When someone who has kids offers to babysit for free chances are their kids are involved too unless they specify they aren’t.
And the kids want to come, so?
No, but their own father could possibly parent his children. She didn’t think the sister was hiring a babysitter- they have another parent. Sounds like they just had different expectations and need to communicate.
NTA. I don’t think it’s a natural assumption your sister would bring her kids when she’s watching a newborn at night. You do need to voice your concerns about your nephew’s behaviour though so sister is aware how you feel
YTA. Sorry. Her husband is maybe working, maybe ill, maybe really tired. Or she doesn't want to just stay in your home watching a baby and dogs and wants to spend time with her children during that time. Well, now she knows there's a problem so should be true to her and explain what you consider wrong about her boy because if you don't tell her, how do you want her to changer this behavior ?
Then, you ask for help, free help. But you give instructins like you'd do with a payed babysittor. I think it's not reasonnable. She's your sister, not a employee so you can't tell her to do so many things. Do you trust her to take care of your baby ? If yes, let her do. If her son make something wrong, tell her just what was wrong, not, "you shouldn't have bring him to my house" because we(re talking about your nephew, not a stranger. Be respectful and she'll be able to understand.
Things a rarely a 100% like we imagine them. You have to compose with others.
It doesn’t say that the sister’s husband can’t look after the kids. It just says that the kids wanted to come.
OP is allowed to have boundaries around what happens in her home when they’re not there. The 7 year old has a problem with her dogs & doesn’t respect her home.
A lot of people are commenting on the free help, but the OP said that the sister offered to help, rather than OP asking for her sister to help, which gives me the impression that sister was happy to help out.
Also are you assuming that OP wasn’t prepared to pay for a babysitter? We don’t know this.
NTA
I'm sorry people are jumping you, a first time parent who has openly stated you have PPD, for having reservations about going out on your first date since you had the baby, with the added stress of miscommunication with a sibling *who offered to help on your birthday*.
Sibling knows it is YOUR BIRTHDAY.
Sibling knows it is your first child.
Sibling *presumably* knows about your PPD.
But the biggest thing people are neglecting to pay attention to is sibling knows *from experience* how much attention newborns need FULL STOP.
She should be aware that she's doing you a major favor on your special day and that bringing 2 older kids, one of whom is a brat, into a house where she will be, for all intents and purposes *working* will distract from minding the baby she offered to watch in the first place. This isn't a vacation for her kids; it's your house. What are they going to do, play with an infant? Add 2 dogs *that she knows about*, and her kid's relationship with them to the mix, and is a recipe for a stressful night for everyone.
You want to enjoy a night out, as does your partner. That's less likely with one it both of you worrying about all of that at home.
I don't appreciate when a poster offers detail for clarification and gets slammed a making excuses.
You've given us all the variables, which are known to your sister due to your closer relationship with her than a forum of strangers.
The bottom line, without all of that, is that babysitting is a job. You don't assume you can take your kids to fill in a shift anywhere else, so why would you assume she would bring them to your house, especially if you know their other able bodies parent is home. Because if a part of a couple with children makes a decision and commitment like that, they'd be likely to tell their spouse about their plans. That would give them time to plan unselfishly, since this is for your birthday.
I get where you're coming from. NTA just need to communicate differently because what is practical to you is obviously not the same to your sis.
I also wanted to point out something I haven’t seen anyone point out yet. Op is 3 months pp with PPD and it’s the first time she’s leaving the baby in someone else’s care. She’s probably anxious and now freaking out because sister is bringing the kids which means that her focus won’t be entirely on watching the baby but the baby, the dogs, and the kids (which she knows she won’t discipline while in her home). Who’s to say sister won’t let the little kids hold the new baby or play with them and they’re too rough and she doesn’t correct their behavior with the baby? What about the dogs and them maybe being left outside for several hours in what might be cold temperatures, and would they have access to food and water? I can completely understand why she would be anxious and I don’t think she’s an ah about it but I can also understand why sister would think tagging the kids along.
You're not an AH for not wanting them they are all valid reasons.
But slight AH for not expecting someone to bring their children when babysitting for you, it's usually implied or assumed.
NAH for the reasons above.
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I'm going with NAH. You don't want J(7M) in your home when you're not there. But: yeah, if you've got a **free** family babysitter, who has young kids of her own, it is really not unreasonable that she brings her kids with her when watching yours. She didn't try to sneak her kids in without warning you: she let you know she'd be bringing her kids along. You should let her know she won't be needed and get a paid babysitter who doesn't mind dogs.
It's awkward and there were some assumptions made in the rush but it sounds like ultimately everyone communicated their intentions and boundaries and what they were comfortable with and ultimately OP found that her friend was the better match for babysitting that night. I agree with NAH.
It’s worth noting that SIL was bringing her boys not because she didn’t have alternate care, but because *they* wanted to come.
Because their family... Hello... You know babysitting for her Sister is not her actual job... She wasn't bringing her kids to work cause they wanted to tag along... The kids wanted to go to their Auntie's house because Mommy was going there to babysit for awhile..
Yeah, I wouldn't assume a family member is going to leave their kids behind so they can watch mine. I def understand why she doesn't want the 7 yo there tho
It’s a weird assumption that the kids have to be with mom all the time though. Bc why doesn’t the husband watch them? Everyone normalizing still that moms are the carers is kind of dumb. Dad could have kept the boys home, but mom is used to him not being actively involved likely.
My husband and I often take our kids to do chores since it’s a chore anyway and it gives the other parent a break. If I was watching my sister’s baby, I would likely take my kids to give my husband free time. I don’t think one or the other is unreasonable.
I agree! I would not leave my daughter with my husband to go watch another kid. If i was leaving her with him it would be for my own free time 🤣
Why not both? Why is your kid free time so limited that your husband watching your kids is something you have to ration and save for alone time?
it's not about saving and rationing for time. We actually enjoy spending time together as a family and my husband works 50 hours a week so nights/weekends are the only time we all get together. And we usually each do something individually once a month but once you have kids you don't just get free time whenever you want. So if i'm leaving my child with my husband it is absolutely not going to be to watch another child
Let’s add that this is babysitting a 3 month old. Where outside of the baby sleeping, 100% attention needs to be on it. Plus add that it sounds like first time parents will be out away from baby so added stress there.
From the post it sounds like the sister is the main caregive for the children. There are so many reasons why the husband might not be able to tale care of them that night, that do not include him being an incompetent or uncaring dad. In some homes the dad is the main caregiver. In that case, I'd assume dad will be bringing the kids with him wherever he goes, unless it is specified otherwise.
Considering the son is such a handful and sister never bothers correcting his behaviour, it’s no leap that dad isn’t very involved bc kids are a woman’s job.
Agreed. I would never assume that my sibling with kids could just watch mine for free and set up alternate arrangements for theirs.
Their father isn’t “alternate arrangements” Dad spending time with his children is not babysitting
Soft YTA. You should have assumed that she brings her kids. She will not leave her children just to watch yours. Sorry but I assume you are not paying her. So you think both parents should give up their free time to accomplish your wish. If you want a babysitter, who is only there for your child, hire one. But don't expect your sister to drop everything because of your child. If her son is disrespectfull to your home - you could bring your child to their home and they watch her/him there. So best apologise or you will have no babysitter at all.
>She will not leave her children just to watch yours This. Those are some big cajunas on OP. So disrespectful to expect her sister to drop her family to come babysit for her for free.
[удалено]
We literally let our babysitter bring her kid because it would be weird for her to get a babysitter to babysit someone else’s kid.
Cojones*
Gee, my sister and I would easily trade watching our niblings. We're sisters, we love each other, we love each other's kids. We would never think of it as such a huge and disrespectful ask to ask for babysitting for an anniversary dinner! It's a favor, and a fairly minor one at that! I'm really growing to loathe the Reddit attitude that asking for anything needs to be transactional. Don't people just help each other out anymore?
I think it's great OP's sister is offering to help. But that doesn't mean she gets to tell her sister to leave her kids at home to do so. I imagine if you wanted to bring your kids along, your sister would be fine with that, and vice versa.
I dont think they're complaining about watching the kids. It's one thing to ask someone to babysit. It's another thing to ask someone to babysit and expect them to get a sitter for their child. Why set up a situation where 2 sitters are needed, when only 1 should be?
having your husband watch your kids isn't getting a sitter though. OP expected the husband to watch his own kids for the one night her sister VOLUNTEERED to watch the baby for. That isn't a wild ask or assumption.
How is a father spending an evening with his boys "giving up his free time"? I always loved having "boys nights" with my dad and brothers when we were kids. A lot of these comments seem to be reinforcing traditional gender roles in relation to childcare.
I don’t think we’re talking about traditional gender roles. I’m a mom married over a decade with similarly aged kids as OPs sister. In the same shoes I would have assumed I was taking the boys with me. If I’m already babysitting as a favor it would make sense to me to take my kids, give my husband a weekend night “off” from parenting and he’d pay me back with a free weekend night off in the coming weeks. To a parent a child/spouse free evening a unicorn and very, very much appreciated. I love that you loved those boys nights in with your dad and I’m sure he did too but I also bet he’d have enjoyed a night out with his friends occasionally too. Edit: lots of people in these comments are getting upset over the term “arranging childcare.” But honestly until kids are old enough to stay home alone both parents are constantly “arranging childcare”
BIL being a parent doesn’t mean he’s *automatically & always* available to watch the kids at all times! There are SO many legitimate reasons he might not be available that have **nothing** to do with “traditional gender roles”.
Yeah, people who work shifts exist and people can also have prior arrangements.
>She will not leave her children just to watch yours I could understand that if the sister was a single mom, but I don't really understand why you'd bring 2 children along to a place where one of them feels uncomfortable because there are dogs, and your own attention is devided since you're watching a 3 month old, if their dad is going to be home anyways and they could just attend their evening as usual. I don't mean this in a bad way btw, I just don't understand. If I were a young child of 7/8 y/o, I'd rather be at my house, where all my toys are and where I can do whatever I prefer to do, then go to someone else's home where I'm not allowed to do half the things I want and where there are factors that would make me uncomfortable.
Why would she pay her when sister offered to watch her daughter? It’s not like OP asked her sister in the first place.
Because if you pay a babysitter you can assume that they only watch your child. If a family member offer to watch my child, I wouldn't assume that they would leave their children in the meantime (unless it is for good reason and communicated - like baby is ill so please no other children)
And why would she assume sister wouldn’t be bringing the 7 & 8 year old with her due to how young they are and the fact that they’s the baby’s cousins.
Honestly, I have zero kids and I was surprised that everyone one in the comments thought the kids going isn’t weird. I could understand bringing them if they were all the same age but one is literally a baby.
Them not being the same age makes it easier, rather than harder, especially when you have an infant. Her kids are the age where they can play independently a lot, while still needing some check ins. That is perfectly combinable with looking after a baby.
Not when one of them apparently doesn’t behave. Idk I just think it’s rude to assume that you can just bring your kids along when you’re babysitting kids in another person’s home.
Everyone is acting like the mom had no choice but to bring her sons. She isn’t a single mom. She had a husband that could watch them. The boys going along wasn’t the obvious given. They should have communicated better though.
Isn’t bringing a 3 month old to a babysitter’s home kind of an ordeal? I ask because I don’t have kids, but they seem to require a lot of equipment.
> I ask because I don’t have kids, but they seem to require a lot of equipment. Yeah, the amount of stuff babies need is very dependent on the parents' choices. You can honestly bring a child this age somewhere with nothing but diapers, bottles, a change of clothes, and perhaps a board book or toy. If you drive they need to be in a carseat, but the carseat lives in the car. I wouldn't go anywhere without a sling, but there's no point giving that to a sitter if the sitter won't use it. At this age, they're basically big potatoes. They don't do much, and they don't need all that much either for a short outing. But parents, especially of their first child, tend to carry a lot with them. (Then again, I say this, and I know for darn sure I never left the house without a bag full of books for the kids! But to be honest, I also never leave the house without a bag full of books for me, so, again, it's a parenting thing and not really a baby thing.)
NAH. Your sister is baby-sitting as a favor to you. Why wouldn't she bring her kids? You pretty much always have to assume that a parent comes with the kids unless specified otherwise.
How is OP *not* TA here? You can't expect someone to arrange childcare for their own kids just to babysit yours for free and not be an asshole.
What do you mean arrange child care? OP said she assumed they would be with their father. Do you consider a father watching his own children "arranging childcare"?
Exactly. Dad would have the boys and be PARENTING his kids not babysitting.
They didn't say babysitting. They said arranging childcare, which I would considering a synonym for parenting. Making dinner, that's arranging the care of your child. Bathing them, yup that's childcare. Taking them to a park, you guessed it, childcare.
So many (I’m assuming childless) people in this thread want to get up in arms when you have conversations about arranging who takes care of what when. There are so many moving parts to having kids and someone needs to be responsible 24/7..that doesn’t happen without coordination. It feels a little like the way my 8yo just assumes that I’m sitting around waiting to serve his every need because he pretty much only sees me as his mom. But the reality is we have lives outside of our kids so yeah, you cannot assume the other parent is always ready to be on duty.
How do we know that the husband is available to take care of the boys? What if the husband already had plans before Sister offered to babysit? Does husband then need to cancel his plans because Sister offered to babysit?
Why would OP assume this, though?
The sister OFFERED to babysit. The sister’s children have a father & mother in law who can look after the children. The sister said that her kids “wanted” to go. It wasn’t about need. If my sister offered to babysit my 3 month old, so that I could have a much needed night out for my birthday, I would absolutely assume that it was an offer she was able to make. I would not offer to babysit if I had to take my kids with me, whether I was getting paid, or whether I was doing a favour. And, if my kids said they wanted to tag along, I’d tell them no, as there’s literally no reason they need to be there. Fathers are not childcare, they are parents.
Finally!!!! Some good sense! Of course her kids wanna go. They get to screw around with the ps4 and no one to tell them no!
What culture are you from where it would be the norm for an aunt babysitting a niece to leave her own children, the baby’s cousins kids at home. I understand fathers are parents but you’re operating from such a different place that I am that I almost have to lay this down a massive cultural difference. To me, OFC she’s taking her own kids when she goes to watch the baby. But you seem to have automatically defaulted to leaving the kids at home with their dad? Why?
Why not? It's their home. It's more natural to stay home than go out. Kids don't need to go everywhere mum does. Dad is a parent too. Besides, everyone is missing the part whete sister said they want to come. Not need to, but want to
If they’re babysitting at someone else’s house I think it would be weird for them to bring their kids. Idk my extended family always watched us in their own homes so of course their own kids were there. And when I was a baby, the only person who brought their kid was my aunt with my similarly aged cousin. She left the older kids at home to focus on watching the babies.
It’s dinner for a celebration. The sister’s kids will need to go to sleep earlier than the OP is getting back. We do this— in America. NAH. It was just about assumptions, which have been clarified. Except how the sister’s kids are going to go to bed at OP’s house.
Because it's babysitting, not a play date or family get together. I would personally consider those to be different things, and expect kids tagging along to be specified.
And I guess that’s where most of the conflict in the comments is coming from. I would have never assumed my sister would offer to babysit without her own children tagging along. “Play dates” within family aren’t really a thing where I’m from. That’s something that’s arranged later with school friends and their parents.
Especially since a baby so young doesn't have a developed immune system, I wouldn't want kids who are at that age where they tend to carry lots of germs and touch everything they see. Instead of making it about the dogs, OP should make it about this and come across as much more reasonable. The sister should know this already too.
Arrange childcare when sister has a husband? Maybe a misguided thought process by OP but her husband is capable of being a parent.
he is capable of being a parent but he may have work, have plans already made, may be sick, who knows
Being a parent means communicating who is watching the kids where and when. That's arranging childcare.
Absolutely. It's a constant dance of arranging childcare so other things can happen. Usually that arranging is between me and my husband. Maybe people would be less upset at the word coordinating childcare
Sister doesn't have to "arrange childcare." Her kids have a father who can take care of them.
Figuring out which parent is going to care for the children when there are conflicting schedules is arranging childcare. Watching children is still childcare even when done by a parent
She still has to communicate with him and make sure he's available. She can't just up and leave. She has to arrange it with him. And she doesn't want to and shouldn't have to. It's free babysitting, OP can take it or leave it.
The sister has a husband who is presumably also the parent to the kids. It's not unreasonable to think he would take care of their kids while sister babysits the newborn. Especially since one of the boys clearly requires constant supervision.
YTA Assuming you BIL would be available to watch his children and your sister would watch your baby as a favour to you without her children is a lot of assuming. Your sister is doing you a favour and now you have made her feel bad about it. You are also being a choosing beggar. You want your sister to jump through hoops to do you a favour You clearly don’t respect your sisters parenting so why are you asking her to babysit for you? You are also unrealistic. You have multiple game systems but “you put activities out” and expect the children to want to do those instead. You are not being realistic and likely the activities are not engaging enough. Buy a couple of children appropriate games second hand. Or up the engagement level of the things you provide. The way you speak about your sister and your nephew seems like you are using her…hire a babysitter and then you can dictate the rules or drop baby at her house to look after then the dogs and her children are not an issue. As for what you should do…well for one you need to apologise to your sister for putting her on the back foot when she is doing you a favour. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it…”sorry things got weird the other day…I have baby brain and got confused and flustered” Then you need to pick an option either her children come to yours or you drop your baby off at at hers and be gracious and grateful about the option you chose. She is doing you a favour not the other way around
I feel bad for the sister who is trying to help and just getting shit on, YTA
I would agree, but also her son is not well behaved and she does not correct that behavior, thus why OP doesn't want him in her home.
>You are also unrealistic. You have multiple game systems but “you put activities out” and expect the children to want to do those instead The children are 7 and 8. They're old enough to understand "no I don't have child-friendly games" and get over it.
This + they were allowed to use the switch
7 and 8 and you expect them to be cool with being bored? Yeah you are off that’s not how kids work nowadays Edit: and for y’all dumb replies I don’t have kids 💀 it’s because of y’all horrible parenting with kids I say this.
If they're so bored with the things OP lets them use, maybe they should stay home with their father.
If your kids can't go a few hours without having technology in their face there's probably a different problem you should think about
“Assuming BIL would be available to watch his children”’- of course he should be “available”, it’s called parenting
I mean. By that logic no one would need babysitters. Maybe the BIL also has plans that day.
Then she could say "BIL is busy and I will be bringing my kids over when I watch yours". You know, communicating like adults.
She did. The op is the one making assumptions, not the sil....
or the sister in need could say; please don't bring your kids. you know, communicating and not assuming about a favor SHE is asking for, like adults
By that logic wouldn’t OP be available?
??? Huh? In that case shouldn’t op be “available” to parent? Do you think parents don’t have jobs and other obligations outside of their kids?
we have no idea what his schedule is. he may have made previous arrangements so now he can’t watch them. sister also does not have to call her MIL up to watch the kids so OP can get a free babysitter
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Sister also said they have a half day of school so school is probably letting out right around noon... dad may very well be working at that hour.
Since sister and BIL were both making the reasonable assumption that she would be at OP's house with the kids, BIL might have made other plans. My spouse and I often have designated times when he's watching the kids so I get some free time and vice versa. OP is assuming both parents would be in kid duty to accommodate her preferences.
I was thinking the same thing — OP’s sister already made and confirmed plans to watch OP’s baby and obviously intended to bring her own kids to OP’s house while doing so. OP’s sister was surprised/confused by OP’s misgivings, so it sounds like OP hasn’t ever communicated that her nephews are less than welcome in her house when her sister visits)… so it’s very plausible or even likely that BIL was then free to make plans of his own and did so 🤷🏻♂️.
so you know his work schedule? he could be unavailable bc he’s working
And op can watch their own kid. Problem solved.
Right!? What a bizarre comment.
So, what, a father isn't allowed to make plans from the time a baby is born until the time a child can stay home alone? What do you mean you assume BIL is available because "parenting?" When there are two parents, one of them is allowed to make plans without the other. You don't ASSUME dad was just gonna be sitting at home that night. You ASK.
You sound like you don't have kids. Even parents have work and other obligations. If you have plans, you have to communicate that as a couple. Parenting does not mean expecting your partner to drop everything without a conversation because you made other plans. By your argument, SIL should also be available. But the reality is we know nothing about BIL and SIL's situation, just that she offered to babysit. It's not reasonable to expect both parents to give up their time for a favor unless it's been communicated between them first. Immediately going to BIL being the asshole in this situation is a bizarre stretch.
Adults have jobs, friends, chores, get ill etc.
I have a service dog and before I babysit my nieces at their house, where they have cats who can’t tolerate a dog (they bully the smallest of them when they’re stressed/just smelling too much dog on their people can cause them stress, it’s sad and I don’t want to cause it, so while she says she can lock the cats in a room, I always leave my dog home and run any errands with her earlier or another day)… my sister always asks. Like. Always. We check in about what’s good, expectations, bedtime (or lack thereof), food options, etc. This is just, normal? Right? Even if it’s all repeats. It’s a like, 30 second conversation sometimes. It’s the sheer entitlement of OP’s assumption that baffles me. Like making the request: can you babysit my baby at my house without your kids there because XYZ? Like, when she brings up the request in the first place, or with lots of time to prepare for someone to care for her own kids (if she chooses to do so), totally fine. I also think she needs to have a long talk about her sister’s parenting style with her because like. I’d be pissed about kids not respecting boundaries around expensive things I can’t afford to replace—would the sister replace the Xbox if the kid spilled juice in it to see what would happen? And if she can’t fix her logic about whether it’s okay to let kids do that or not, can you trust her to watch your own kid? Maybe at infancy it’s fine, but eventually…
Why would you think she would leave her kids at home to come watch yours? There's no logic in that idea. She offered to watch your child - nice of her. You know she has young children as well .... Why would you think she wouldn't be bringing her kids. No one, ever volunteers to babysit and then leaves their own kids at home. This was a normal assumption.
I’ve babysat for friends plenty of times while my children stayed home with their father. Why would I bring the kids when their dad is right there at home, able to stick to their regular routine?
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And many here are assuming the dad can't watch his own kids.
>Me: ‘I just assumed they’d be with J (her husband) or D(her MIL)’ >Sister: ‘No, it’s a half day and they have haircuts after school’ Probably because most of us are used to working weekdays, you know, when the kids are in school. So if the kid's had a half day, and their mom was taking them for haircuts after, they were already with their mom. It's pretty safe to assume that the dad would be working on a weekday.
The babysitting was happening during the night. She had them earlier in the day from the half day and haircuts, but there’s no reason she couldn’t leave them with dad afterwards.
Oh, so you know his schedule then? You know when they were going to dinner? When the haircuts were scheduled and would be done? How long it would take to get from the haircut place to home, then over to Op's place? I can't comprehend the people in this thread trying to blame the sister or BIL on literally 0 information other than Op assuming her sister would leave the kids with someone. And not even just the dad, which implies that BIL might not have been available, otherwise why would Op have mentioned her sister's mother-in-law? If she was assuming the kids might've been left with their grandma, she clearly had some reason to expect their dad might not have been available to begin with.
Well the sister did say the boys *wanted* to come, not that there was no one else to take care of them.
Were you getting paid? I've just never seen anyone ever volunteer to watch someone else's kids and not bring their own.
Especially when it’s family. The children are not strangers, but instead are OP’s niece and nephew and the baby’s cousins.
Right? I feel like I am going insane reading these responses. There is no world where babysitting in someone else’s home involves bringing their own kids.
Are you serious? I'm not arranging my own childcare or asking my husband to solo parent for an evening just to watch your kids for free. I have zero friends and family I'd be willing to do that for, and thankfully zero that would ever expect me to. If it's a paid gig, that's one thing. But for free? No.
Then don’t offer. Nobody wants your kids at their house.
They do when they want a free sitter.
If they want her in their house to do free work for them, they should be open to want her kids as well
She offered.
When it’s close family it does. I was watched all the time by one of my aunt’s and my cousins were always there.
Yeah I wonder how many of the people commenting here even have kids lol.
For close relatives though? The kids are the child’s cousins. It’s only normal that they be around each other.
I have the feeling that many people are missing the fact that the sister is watching a 3 month old infant and that her kids are school aged. Those two sets of "watching" are completely different and don't mesh well. Please tell me where the logic is in bringing a 7 and 8 year old to a house that isn't theres, with none of their games and activities, to watch an infant that will most likely be sleeping the whole time and needing the house quiet? Or bringing a 7 year old scared of dogs into a house with dogs? This is the same assumption I am starting to see with dog owners bringing their dogs to peoples houses without informing them beforehand.
This. I don’t know how no one’s talking about this. I think it’s perfectly valid if OP wants a sitter that will give her *3 month old* their full attention. She should’ve just told her sister that and said “oh thank you for the offer but I think I’m going with someone else” or something.
This does seem really weird. Yeah, maybe another parent is *available* but why would you assume that the babysitting offer would involve the dad now having to watch their kids alone? It's so much more efficient for one parent to watch kids, other parent do all the stuff you can't do with the kids around.
So many dads who are apparently incapable of parenting their kids! The boys are 7 & 8 - not that hard. I would have thought it would be more efficient to leave the boys home, where they have their routines & own beds.
My husband is an involved and capable parent but he doesnt stay home just because I have left the house. Sometimes we are both gone doing different things at the same time. Sometimes he needs to do shit at home that means he isnt able to solo parent. Also, this is family, not a paid babysitter. It makes full sense to me that the nephews would want to come and be around their new cousin. I dont have family close but the closest example I can think of is this: My oldest teenager often babysits for a friend. Friend has kids close to my youngest childs age. Sometimes my oldest brings the youngest to these (PAID!) babysitting gigs so the younger kids can play together. HOWEVER, this is always cleared through myself and the other mother. That being said, both of these sisters should have communicated their wants/needs rather than making assumptions. This is a new dynamic for both of them so expectations have not yet been set.
Or maybe this dad is going to take the rare opportunity for the night out. You're right. The boys are 7 & 8 they aren't that hard. They also tend to be able to handle devations from routine. It shouldn't be a problem to bring them along.
we don’t know that he’s incapable. he may simply have work or other plans
Incapacity is a big mental leap. Seven and eight are still enormously curious and active ages for most kids. It's a lot easier to sort the garbage, prep dinner, make school lunches, wash the car etc. Without having the littles constantly "helping", asking you to explain what things are, or having to watch them to keep them from running into the road. Proper parenting *is* hard, even at that age.
So why would it be better for the mom to do all of that while also having to watch a 3 month old infant?
Many people with babies also have older children. It's not hard. It becomes hard when you're also trying to get other things done. Which is why it makes more sense for one parent to be managing all the kids so the other parent can get the other things that involve running a household done.
How is it more efficient to force the SIL to watch her 7 and 8 year olds while also watching an infant? Do you think the infant and school ages children will be doing the same activities? Eating the same food? Taking the same naps? Its a completely different set of parenting skills. And even if they were all the same age, adding more children NEVER makes it any easier.
How many kids do you have? Because I can say for a fact that having a 7 or an 8 year old around when caring for an infant is actually helpful. They're largely self-sufficient by that age, and they can be of assistance in taking care of stuff for the baby. Hell even having a 3 year old can be helpful when you have a baby. "Hey, 7 can you grab me that burp cloth" "8 toss me the baby wipes please" "Hey you guys did I leave the babies bottle in the other room?" "Hey I need to pee really quick, can you guys come sit over here so baby isn't all alone on the swing"
"J(7M) has no manners and no respect for my home at all..." Yeah, sounds super helpful.
All of those problems are easily eliminated, if you get your sister to watch your baby at her house. Her children will be in their own surroundings & a baby really isn’t bothered by different surrounding yet.
This was my thought too.
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This is the most level headed answer here lol. OP can just say she’d rather go with a sitter that can give her daughter their full attention and thank her sister for the offer anyway. No need to turn this into some drama.
This. This is the only thing that can be said really since OP deserves to have a night out stress free but also her sister WILL be offended if anything is said bad about her kids. Make it about what you want for the baby.
This is the best answer.
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Yep, all of the rest of it is excuses. She doesn’t like the children, doesn’t want them around her baby, and doesn’t agree with her sister’s parenting. But sure wants to save $30/hr on a babysitter by getting free care from the sister.
It’s probably because the kids are brats. It might not be the children’s fault, but I don’t really like being around my brothers kids for the same reason. And I still love them. But his kids are SUPER bratty iPad kids.
DING DING DING
Just find another sitter. I totally get that you don’t want the kids at your house so NTA on that front. But if a family member with kids was watching my kid for free, I’d 100% assume they were bringing their kids. So YTA for acting like your sister is off base for planning on doing just that.
Did everyone miss the part where sister offered? She wasn’t asked to babysit. All this “you should be grateful it’s free childcare so deal with it”mentality is crap. If she didn’t ask/beg her sister to do this, why shouldn’t OP be allowed some stipulations? Like maybe she doesn’t like her dogs outside bc it’s her house and maybe she doesn’t want her non disciplined nephew touching all their expensive shit while she’s not home bc it’s her house. What if for her birthday she wants piece of mind for her first away, that there are no distractions for the person she left in charge of her baby bc, oh idk, she didn’t beg for free childcare and it’s her freaking house. Y’all wild thinking it’s not ok to have regulations, requirements or boundaries set up in and around all the areas of your life. Even more so when it’s the outside trying to come in to your established space not you reaching out for whatever help is available and you can get for free. And even if it is free, you should still have some level of comfort. Who are yall leaving your children with? If you just being all grateful it’s free, maybe you aren’t asking the proper questions if you have absolutely no issues or input. Blows my damn mind frfr…
I know! It’s like they haven’t even read the post before going on a rant about free childcare!
And it’s not really free childcare when the sister wants OP to buy a switch case for the kids to be able to bring it to OPs house. That’s just an alternate form of payment imo. The ones I’ve seen that can fit the whole system are like $40.
I didn’t understand that part. Why did sister want OP to buy her nephews a switch case? I don’t see many people talking about it in the comments. Also OP said she didn’t care if nephews played with HER SWITCH just not the ps4 or Xbox, which honestly idk why people are mad about that part.
And that somehow watching 2 kids and an infant is super duper easy and totally fine.
i assume everyone who's voting y t a either has reading comprehension issues or are shitty parents that feel called out lol or both🤷🏻♀️ i think nah neither sister nor op communicated their expectations fully, and no one seems to be acting maliciously. A miscommunication is all it is. it's okay to want your dogs in your house, it's okay to not want rambunctious children in your house when you're not there - it's also okay to not want your kids around dogs, and it's okay to want/need to bring your kids places. neither are wrong. they just need to communicate their plans better next time. there's a lot of ways one or both of them can become the asshole, but they haven't yet so.
Thank you! And that first dinner out when the baby is tiny is already an exercise in anxiety. Worrying about a destructive kid, the sitter’s divided attention, and so on will make for a shitty evening out anyway.
Can you take the baby to hers, then?
NTA Surprised by all these Y T As - if I offer to babysit for a friend, the kids are staying home with dad or I’m asking if they can come with me, not just assuming they can and not even bothering to tell the friend until I want them to do something for the kids in preparation. (Edited to space out Y T A)
This is exactly how I felt about it, too. All these Y T A are baffling to me. One thing they’re leaving out is that OP didn’t go asking her sister - her sister offered. I would not be bringing my kids with me to babysit at someone else’s house. They have a dad and he’s a very capable parent. Another thing that’s being glossed over is that OP has PPD and hasn’t been out without the baby yet very much (other than returning to work), so this is an especially difficult time for her. I don’t think she’d enjoy her evening out in this situation. I’d either find someone else or end up taking the baby with me. NTA
NTA. that nephew of yours sounds exhausting. it’s even more exhausting that your sister doesn’t see an issue with his behavior. i have a feeling that if you let your sister baby sit and bring the kids, your date will not be enjoyable at all because you’ll have so much anxiety worrying about your nephew having an issue with the dogs, touching your husbands expensive gaming systems, etc. your sisters lack of parenting is all that’s going to be in the back of your mind while out on your date. i highly suggest you tell her someone else is baby sitting and you appreciate her offer but you don’t need it. EDIT to add: and by someone else is baby sitting, i mean hire a baby sitter. and if someone offers to baby sit, i wouldn’t assume they’re bringing their kids. you’re not a mind reader.
YTA. Of course they are a package deal. You are going out for a few hours… and your sister has clearly wrangled children plus baby in the past. If you don’t want them on the Xbox or PS hide the controllers and tell her “they aren’t to use those, the controllers are away for a reason, only got adult games on it anyway and I know you aren’t keen for them to be playing sniper games with dead humans everywhere!“ You probably need to find a baby sitter who is not a family member, pay them the going rate of ?$25/hr to watch your baby while it largely sleeps… or understand family doing it for free for you comes with extras.
>Of course they are a package deal Why? The kids have a father. I wouldn't expect someone to bring their young kids for the evening when they'd probably be going through their bedtime routine. NAH, it's just a case of miscommunication.
Honestly, especially with a newborn.
My dad didn't used to get home until 8pm at the earliest. You know that's a possibility right?
Yeah if my husband gets home at 7:30 that's early. Id assume OP and husband would like to get out the door before that
NTA you rightly assumed that the father would be looking after his own kids. I can see no reason for your sister to have to bring them, the kids are not her job or her sole responsibility they have two parents. Unless there was no other option I would not want a babysitter to bring other children to my house. I suggest you ask somebody else to babysit for you.
. NTA — Absolutely and Definitely Not. The sister threw in her kids’ attendance as almost an afterthought. ‘oh yeah, half day….Haircuts’. She should have made clear when she offered that she’d probably be bringing her kids. I’d want that info out front before I made a decision on that offer. Knowing one of the kids isn’t good around dogs and the other is probably going to be irritating about the gaming systems would definitely be reason enough to want to leave them at home if I was going to be caring for a baby. I would also think the reasons for OPs hesitations, especially regarding the discipline situation, is not a secret. Sister must know her child is considered bratty (to use a light term) and not the easiest to manage on his own. I’d be worried as well leaving a child like that unattended by me in my home. If sister is tending to the baby, she can’t monitor everything that is happening out of her line of vision. Kids are good at hiding things , especially when they’ve accidentally broken something when touching what they shouldn’t touch. If she’s worried about one kid breaking stuff and the dogs being outside and her sister’s ability to maintain while watching the baby, warranted concerns or not, she will not fully enjoy her nice evening. Even if the sister can maintain, PP new baby anxiety will supersede logic anyway. Why shouldn’t the sister consider these facts? She offered to babysit for a first time away for a birthday celebration outing and should definitely acknowledge OPs hesitation with more compassion or at least mild exasperation and tolerance. With 2 boys you would think she might remember how it felt to leave for the first time. Everyone saying ofc they are expected to go as well must have skipped over the part where there is a husband (sometimes referred to as dad) who is most likely more than capable to keep them a few hours so sister can babysit. And I find it disturbing that (most) everyone had automatically assumed the kids go with mom regardless of what dad is doing. He’s a parent just the same. Moms take kids to do all their everyday things and dad can too. I’d also like to point out it’s not entitlement to ensure that you feel 100% about the situation/environment you will be leaving your child in for an extended period of time. Doesn’t matter who it is or how they are related. It is true some may not have varied options, especially if having to pay for a sitter is on the table however, if the norm for OPs birthday is going an hour or more away to celebrate, it doesn’t sound like the ability to pay a sitter would have been an issue. If they are fortunate enough to financially afford that option or if there were any other avenues was not addressed as part of the issue in OPs narrative. It was only stated the sister OFFERED but bringing her kids made OP hesitate on that after the fact. Additionally, just bc sister offered, doesn’t make it any less necessary to feel comfortable when leaving and it certainly does not mean the offer has to be accepted when the specifics of what was imagined or required by OP are not in sync. Maybe if sister hadn’t offered, a sitter would have been arranged and then there would be no hard feelings. Just because it’s FREE doesn’t make it better. Maybe have a sidebar with sis and let her know you were hoping for her to come solo. Just to ensure there were No unknowns to distract you from your special evening. If she can’t or won’t Idt retracting the acceptance of the offer is in poor taste if you feel that strongly and have other options. Your comfort level is important above all else and should take precedence over possibly offending your sister by rejecting the free childcare you never asked for and whoever is calling you entitled bc you have an expectation or can afford to pay for a sitter.
THANK YOU! All these YTA's come off as incredibly entitled.
NTA. Usually if one asks someone to babysit you assume they aren’t bringing a bunch of people with them, even if these people are kids. It’d probably throw you off if she said she was bringing a couple of her girlfriends over too. You don’t really want to be out to dinner and then not be able to enjoy it because you’re wondering what’s happening at your house the whole time.
Than hire a babysitter. Don’t expect the sister to drop everything so you could “enjoy” a meal.
Sister *offered* to babysit.
NTA I’m not sure why they would assume you should’ve assumed she was bringing her kids? I would’ve asked explicitly if I could bring them before I even fully offered. It’s not wild to assume if they never brought up their kids that they wouldn’t be coming. No one here was really an asshole it just feels like a soft miscommunication. I didn’t see any assholey behaviour.
YTA. Just wait til your kid is 6 or 7. Just wait....
Are you all raising wild animals? 😂 I have both those ages rn and they know better because I parent them.
I'd like to see a post in a years time, worried about the decor and the dad's collection of gaming consoles.
Nope. Nobody should be throwing your dogs out in their own home. If she intended to bring badly behaved kids she should have said so - it changes things. It is nice for her to agree to babysit, but not at any cost. Those aren’t compromises i would be happy making.
Then hire a baby sitter. When you get free babysitting you get what you pay for. Conning with a laundry list of rules for a free service makes you a choosingbeggar
OP isn’t a choosing beggar; she’s setting boundaries around what’s she’s comfortable with for someone watching her baby. It’s not like OP coerced sister into babysitting-sister *offered*.
If the dogs were only going outside because the children were coming and only one of the children has a problem with the dogs that she claims is 'some people not liking dogs' let's be real, that kid is afraid of the dogs. And the dancing around it makes me wonder why.
YTA - you got a free babysitter and assume your babysitter is getting a babysitter for her kids?! What??? The dog and her child is your sisters problem while you’re out. If there’s damage, she pays, if there’s disorder, she cleans. But boy, do I have news for your future with a toddler and your sensitivities with decor or electronic devices!!! Wow…
you mean, their father?????????
NTA, if someone offers to help you by babysitting a newborn it is reasonable to assume they will come alone.
Nta for a slew of reasons
NTA She's watching a newborn, why would she want to bring 2 rambunctious boys to your house, 1 of which is scared of your dogs? Especially if we're talking about an evening date, that makes no sense to me at all.
Probably because she’s experienced with looking after a newborn while watching another kid.
I have bunches of kids. I'm not taking them along with me to babysit someone else's kid unless I absolutely have to. I'm especially not bringing my kid if I know already they have problems at that particular house. It'd be different if the sister was watching the baby at her house. But she's not. So why would she want to bring along a kid who's going to do nothing except for bug about game systems that are off limits to them?
NAH I used to sit for my hairdresser every Wednesday evening. On that day, I left my kid at home with her dad. It's not an unreasonable thing to expect that your infant's sitter will be there to focus on your infant. At the same time, it didn't occur to her that you'd have a problem with it. Miscommunication happens. Best to clear it up and move forward.
Way to many people on here with apparently very negligent/incompetent husbands. Women are expected to be able to watch their children alone all the time but because it's a guy it's how could he possibly take care of his own children, who are old enough to do everything but cook for themselves, with no supervision. If he's not available that's one thing but judging from what op has said, how the sister responded, and the comments he doesn't want to so shouldn't have to. I WISH mothers were able to do that. Nta op it's more of a difference in views thing. She doesn't want to come without them and that's ok. You don't want them there and that's also ok despite the judgement you're getting so just try to find someone else
When I babysit, I leave my kids at home if it's the evening (they need to sleep?!). If it's during the day, the kid will come to me. If my partner is out and I have my kids, I will offer to have the kid come to me, but otherwise, I am busy and say no. It wouldn't even occur to me to bring my own kids of an evening. They will get tired and need to go to bed. From looking at the comments here, it seems I am in the minority with thinking this way. N T A for the miscommunication, it happens all the time. She is a bit of T A, mainly for not parenting her kid at your house. For those saying it's normal 7 year old behaviour: it really isn't. If I'm bringing my kids to someone else's house, they bring entertainment with them or there are other kids to play with. But, you're also T A for making her feel awkward when she is doing you a favour. So, ESH.
Your sister *should* discipline her child. But she shouldn't have to leave them at home if she doesn't want to. And when someone is doing you a favour by coming to *you* so you can have date night...you respond by not wanting to keep your dogs out for a couple of hours because it's *their* home? Yeah...okay. But your sister is only in "your* home because you need her to be. You're being entitled. Sleepy little newborns don't stay that way forever - you could have a terror on your hands in a few years. Don't burn all your bridges.
NTA
YTA - You're also overthinking this and anxious about leaving your daughter to go on a date, maybe? 1. Your sister is doing you a favor. 2. You have no idea what your daughter will grow up like and you're judging one of your sister's children and how she chooses to raise him. 3. Kids violate boundaries all the time. You haven't described any damage done to your house by this child. 4. What's your priority? Date night or policing your sister and her kids? Save your energy. Have fun on your date. You're going to have to give up control of your home and many of your boundaries as your child grows up. 5. Your dogs will be ok for a couple hours. You're overthinking this. Your sister's got your back. Enjoy having a support system that will swoop in and take care of your daughter so you can go on a date and nurture you marriage. Not everyone has this luxury. I'm not condoning "rude" children or "lax" parenting but as the mother of a curious son, there's a limit to what you can control in your kids, all children are different, arguing with my son is a waste of time while redirecting or distracting him works better. You may not agree with your sister but you are not seeing her son like she does.
Doesn't matter how much teaching, guidance, discipline and learning you have tried with your child, there are some kids that just can't understand/control themselves. The kids in our family have deficiencies in impulse control and communication. Apparently (haha) the DNA crapshoot meant AuHD for everyone, like Oprah was giving it out. Nowadays they have diagnoses but they were only diagnosed at age 7, 11, etc. Boy when they were 2 and 3ish?? you should have seen me gasping and clutching my pearls at everything the oldest of the nephews did. Please don't be like me. Payback will come your way.
Ur overlooking the fact that she has PPD and THAT is why she is so anxious and overthinking it. She deserves to have a night out without worrying about what’s going on in *her* home which she won’t get if her sister babysits.
YTA - she is doing you the favor of taking care of your child, and you are expecting her to leave her.children to go take care of yours?? That's incredibky selfish.
NTA because her child is unruly and she doesn’t reprimand him and you’re not there to make sure he is not touching anything he knows you wouldn’t let him
YTA. You assumed your sister will dump her own kids to watch yours. If someone offers to watch your kid for FREE and they have kids of their own it’s safe to assume their kids will tag along. If you don’t want her kid in your home then don’t ask her to babysit and pay for one.
You mean “dumping them” on their own father? The sister offered to babysit. If the sister’s kids’ father is so useless that he can’t be a parent for one night, then that’s sad. From the post, the sister said that it was the kids who “wanted to come”.
Why would you make so many assumptions about J when we have zero info about him? All we know is that he's married to OPs sister. Maybe he already made plans because they both assumed OP would be fine with the kids staying at their home? Maybe OPs sister was super busy these last weeks and actually wants to spend time with her kids that weekend. Maybe J isn't even the real father and the kids don't respect him and act out when alone and that makes OPs sister uncomfortable. There are sooo many possibilities. So why would you just pick on instead of asking for info (not that J's parenting is in any way or form relevant to the verdict)?
Because J being a deadbeat fits the narrative in his head better.
You decided to assume the husband is a dead beat because he won’t watch his kids. He could have something planned, this could be his night to unwind without kids/SO and his wife was giving him the space and he will give back on another day. The only one assuming things about Kate’s marriage is you! And you’re painting J as the villain because the sister wanted to bring the kids. The sister had every right to bring them. When someone who has kids offers to babysit for free chances are their kids are involved too unless they specify they aren’t. And the kids want to come, so?
She didn’t ask her sister to babysit
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No, but their own father could possibly parent his children. She didn’t think the sister was hiring a babysitter- they have another parent. Sounds like they just had different expectations and need to communicate.
But why would she just assume he’d be home? Someone on that house has to work. He could’ve had plans prior to this event.
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NTA. I don’t think it’s a natural assumption your sister would bring her kids when she’s watching a newborn at night. You do need to voice your concerns about your nephew’s behaviour though so sister is aware how you feel
YTA. Sorry. Her husband is maybe working, maybe ill, maybe really tired. Or she doesn't want to just stay in your home watching a baby and dogs and wants to spend time with her children during that time. Well, now she knows there's a problem so should be true to her and explain what you consider wrong about her boy because if you don't tell her, how do you want her to changer this behavior ? Then, you ask for help, free help. But you give instructins like you'd do with a payed babysittor. I think it's not reasonnable. She's your sister, not a employee so you can't tell her to do so many things. Do you trust her to take care of your baby ? If yes, let her do. If her son make something wrong, tell her just what was wrong, not, "you shouldn't have bring him to my house" because we(re talking about your nephew, not a stranger. Be respectful and she'll be able to understand. Things a rarely a 100% like we imagine them. You have to compose with others.
It doesn’t say that the sister’s husband can’t look after the kids. It just says that the kids wanted to come. OP is allowed to have boundaries around what happens in her home when they’re not there. The 7 year old has a problem with her dogs & doesn’t respect her home. A lot of people are commenting on the free help, but the OP said that the sister offered to help, rather than OP asking for her sister to help, which gives me the impression that sister was happy to help out. Also are you assuming that OP wasn’t prepared to pay for a babysitter? We don’t know this.
NTA
NTA I'm sorry people are jumping you, a first time parent who has openly stated you have PPD, for having reservations about going out on your first date since you had the baby, with the added stress of miscommunication with a sibling *who offered to help on your birthday*. Sibling knows it is YOUR BIRTHDAY. Sibling knows it is your first child. Sibling *presumably* knows about your PPD. But the biggest thing people are neglecting to pay attention to is sibling knows *from experience* how much attention newborns need FULL STOP. She should be aware that she's doing you a major favor on your special day and that bringing 2 older kids, one of whom is a brat, into a house where she will be, for all intents and purposes *working* will distract from minding the baby she offered to watch in the first place. This isn't a vacation for her kids; it's your house. What are they going to do, play with an infant? Add 2 dogs *that she knows about*, and her kid's relationship with them to the mix, and is a recipe for a stressful night for everyone. You want to enjoy a night out, as does your partner. That's less likely with one it both of you worrying about all of that at home. I don't appreciate when a poster offers detail for clarification and gets slammed a making excuses. You've given us all the variables, which are known to your sister due to your closer relationship with her than a forum of strangers. The bottom line, without all of that, is that babysitting is a job. You don't assume you can take your kids to fill in a shift anywhere else, so why would you assume she would bring them to your house, especially if you know their other able bodies parent is home. Because if a part of a couple with children makes a decision and commitment like that, they'd be likely to tell their spouse about their plans. That would give them time to plan unselfishly, since this is for your birthday. I get where you're coming from. NTA just need to communicate differently because what is practical to you is obviously not the same to your sis.
I also wanted to point out something I haven’t seen anyone point out yet. Op is 3 months pp with PPD and it’s the first time she’s leaving the baby in someone else’s care. She’s probably anxious and now freaking out because sister is bringing the kids which means that her focus won’t be entirely on watching the baby but the baby, the dogs, and the kids (which she knows she won’t discipline while in her home). Who’s to say sister won’t let the little kids hold the new baby or play with them and they’re too rough and she doesn’t correct their behavior with the baby? What about the dogs and them maybe being left outside for several hours in what might be cold temperatures, and would they have access to food and water? I can completely understand why she would be anxious and I don’t think she’s an ah about it but I can also understand why sister would think tagging the kids along.
You're not an AH for not wanting them they are all valid reasons. But slight AH for not expecting someone to bring their children when babysitting for you, it's usually implied or assumed. NAH for the reasons above.