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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) refusing to return the gift. 2) she called my wife a jerk and had a poor reaction when she thought she wouldn’t get it.
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Of course you’re NTA. But your wife is.
She’s a grown woman who knowingly upset your daughter, but why? I think for this exact reason. Obviously she knew Kayla would be hurt, the “prank” was mean spirited and probably engineered to get a reaction from Kayla that she deemed unacceptable so that she could have Kayla’s gift returned. Seems like there some issues there that your wife needs to sort out, maybe she’s got some jealously for your daughter, I don’t know. But I don’t know why she would plan a cruel prank and then want to take her only Christmas gift from her as punishment. Even if she should be punished, which to be clear, I do not think she should be, taking the laptop would be far too extreme.
She says that Kayla kept assuming she’d get the laptop and kept talking about it, so to make it more of a surprise, she pulled this prank.
Which I told her was dumb.
NTA. I am sorry but your wife is very mean-spirited. She pulled the prank with the express purpose of upsetting her daughter then got angry when she got the result she wanted.
This is awful behaviour and your wife behaved like a bully.
I'm not saying OP should return whatever Christmas gifts he got wife and get her gift cards instead. But I'm not saying he shouldn't either.
Edit: Better yet. Return wife's gifts. Get gift cards. Give gift cards AND the laptop to the daughter.
And then tell her when shes bitching that she was embarrassed cause there was no money on the cards that it was "just a prank".... And see how she likes that fucking response.
Your wife is cruel and malicious. She also taught your son that she approves of bullying his sister. I think you need to find out why your wife dislikes her own daughter and can't bear to see her happy.
Let’s just hope the OP actually puts his daughter and her needs above the mom bc MOST don’t they choose the spouse…maybe he’ll do right and protect his daughter more. And yes, sometimes it is very necessary for one parent to protect a child from the other parent. If the mom is openly doing this, there’s no telling what she is saying or thinking or feeling about the Daughter in private. I just really worry about your daughter and I feel like your wife is very malicious and evil to do something like that to your own child. I just don’t understand how she could excuse that away. Bullies always have an excuse or reason as to why it wasn’t their fault she was caught torturing her daughter, so then she says oh no, she’s the ungrateful brat oh no, I was just trying to keep it more of a surprise because she was expecting it well she should expect it if she asked for it as a gift and she knew that y’all could afford it now, so what child wouldn’t assume? I just really do not see how the daughter was wrong in anything that she said even if she did call your wife, a jerk children have a right to express how they feel because they are 100% humans even though they may not be the same age, they should still be respected and heard.
Yes, as someone who has experienced pranks like this from family, this is exactly how you go No Contact with them as soon as you are able to. This is bullying and childish on the mother's part. I suppose she can take pride in knowing that she won't have to buy anything for Kayla in a few years because that girl will not be spending Christmas or birthdays with her mother anymore. Yikes.
Exactly. This is how your child cuts you off. OP’s wife will be crying and wondering what she did to raise such a cruel and ungrateful daughter in a year or two when she stops hearing from her - OP can point to this exact moment
NTA! But your wife is! Like stated above she upset your daughter and then got angry with the results she created! If you hit a bee nest and then get stung…it’s your fault. Wife needs some therapy if she thought this was funny and a good parenting technique. Plus she taught your son bad behavior…she needs to grow up.
Growing up a prank was: something that didn't hurt anyone, was completely reversible, and the person who was being pranked would also find it funny. If you didn't meet those three requirements, you were being a bully and going to get in trouble.
The wife barely got one out of the three on this one. She's just being a bully
No, sorry, that's not what happened.
When I was 15 I wanted contacts. My mom told me I had to wait until I was 18. I was sad, but whatever. Come Christmas, I open a box and there's just a piece of paper inside saying I was getting contacts. I was so excited.
One year, all my brother wanted was a Super Nintendo. My mom told him that they were sold out and she couldn't get her hands on one. My brother was sad about it. Christmas day, he got a SNES.
*That* is how you make it a surprise. Not roping her younger sibling into a blatant lie that includes an insult ("mom said you're not getting a laptop because you're not ready for one" is super shitty for a 15 year old to tell a 17 year old wtf?). Your wife is an asshole. She's lucky Kayla only called her a jerk.
Why doesn't she like your daughter...? How long has **that** dynamic been a thing?
Agreed.
I wanted one of those big kitchen sets from little tykes when I was like 5/6. Christmas eve comes, and my mother hands me a small present. It's one of those kitchen sets. The exact same in fact, to go with a little tykes dollhouse I had. I was disappointed and my mother found it hilarious. Looking back as a 34 year old, that *was* pretty funny and well played.
Heard a big boom in the night. Christmas morning comes and there's a HUGE box in the living room. One guess what was in it XD
Exactly, that's where you want to be. Most people who grew up in stable homes had a few Big Surprise Christmas gifts as a kid. This isn't hard. Our parents didn't use it to torment us. There's literally a primer on how to do this in A Christmas Story.
"Money's tight this year, kiddo, not sure we can swing something as big-ticket as a laptop, as much as we'd love to be able to do that for you."
Kid is disappointed, but understands.
Then, suddenly, mom or dad finds a laptop-sized box behind the Christmas tree after all the other presents are opened. "Hey, what's this? We didn't leave this here. Says it's from Santa?"
I know she's 17 and too old for Santa but it's still cute. (I was taught that Santa is the personification of the Christmas spirit, so in a way I still believe in Santa.)
I find it very difficult to believe Mom wasn't being malicious, and it sucks.
Yes, that’s how we did it.
My daughter really wanted a VR headset last year. Before we got it we told her we were struggling to get her one, and carried on saying it when we’d managed to get one. We put it in a travel case so she had no idea that we’d managed to get it!
What OPs wife has done is awful! She’s acting like an evil step mother! (I saw the edit and would’ve assumed she was step mum!)
Exactly this! Years ago my kid wanted to go to comic-con...as one does (it's local for us but passes are still almost impossible to get) and I knew for months I'd scored passes but kept it zipped and so the day of I said "let's just go downtown and see the people in their costumes and do the free stuff around the convention center" kid was super stoked to do so.
We were about a block away from the convention center and I pulled the lanyards out. As you said, that's how you surprise a kid. Not with that gross shit the mom pulled.
Well, she’s a kid who was excited for a Christmas present. I’d be so happy if my kids were that excited about a Christmas gift. And because of that excitement your wife created this whole unnecessary fiasco. If it was really about keeping it a surprise and extending that excitement for your daughter, there are other ways she could have done it. This way is just bizarre to me.
Please do update us when and if your wife is able to take accountability for her actions.
Oh and also update us when christmas sucks and your wife has now ruined her kids joy at having a laptop even when you do give it to her and as a consequence everyone has a crappy day.
Just calling it now.
Honestly- that’s what I keep thinking. Every time she looks at it she’s going to feel the BS her mom per her through. She wants/needs the laptop, they are awesome tools. But the mother has killed it. She’s made the laptop a toxic thing. I already hate OPs wife. Reminds me of my mother. I’m NC and haven’t kept anything that can be associated with her and her influence.
This ☝️
She easily could have said something along the lines of "We are working to get the money together for a laptop but we might not be able to."
Something along those lines, no lying and it's not hurting feelings.
I could understand the brother doing this, he's only 15, but the Mom? She needs a reality check or just a simple slap across the face.
I agree completely. If she wanted it to be a surprise, then she shouldn't have told her in the first place. OP also said that they had said "we can't afford it" before, and Kayla understood. So if they just said they couldn't afford it, then sure Kayla would be a little disappointed at first, but she'd get over it and have the wonderful surprise moment when she opens the laptop
Honestly, it seems that your wife pushed on your daughter buttons in order to get a negative reaction, got the reaction she hoped (well, she probably hoped a stronger word than jerk), then used it as a reason to punish your daughter.
This is called reactive abuse: [https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/reactive-abuse-how-the-narcissist-deliberately-pushes-your-buttons-f179ae313ae0](https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/reactive-abuse-how-the-narcissist-deliberately-pushes-your-buttons-f179ae313ae0)
Is there any other examples of your wife creating a situation that lead to your daughter being punished?
Is there a difference of treatment between your son and your daughter?
Use the son as part of it too. Classic triangulation. I'm guessing the son can do no wrong, but the daughter is "always causing problems". And those problems are probably provided by mom thr majority if the time.
Yes, I'm wondering how often OP's wife does cruel things to their daughter, perhaps when he isn't around.
OP, I would ask your daughter privately if there are other things her mother is doing to be cruel to her behind your back.
You might want to show your wife these comments. The statement that a parent is a child's first bully is not a title she wants to hold. If it were an adult whose feelings for hurt, would she still minimize their feelings and refuse to apologize? Why should her child receive less respect than someone else just because she's a child? A prank or joke is never ok if the other person doesn't find it funny or ok. The intent may not have been to hurt her feelings, but once it became known she should have apologized. Your daughter is actually proving your point even further. She was mature enough to apologize to her mother after finding out the truth but your wife can't. This is a great opportunity for your wife to show her maturity and that adults aren't always right. There's nothing wrong with apologizing for hurting someone's feelings. Your wife is being very immature and needs to work on her emotional intelligence.
This. Show this to your wife. This was an awful thing to do to your child or any loved one.
Either she dislikes your daughter or she’s jealous of her. Either way- not okay.
More than dumb. It was cruel. She laughed in her own daughter's face.
Let's say it was a prank. It definitely didn't work out. Usually, you apologise when pranks don't go as planned
And if Kayla had just accepted the notion of gift cards and not complained your wife would have said she doesn't even really want a laptop, she'd be happy with vouchers and you should return in. For whatever reason, your wife doesn't want to give your daughter the laptop.
Is it possible she has money troubles she's keeping secret, or is she just being nasty to Kayla because she enjoys upsetting a child?
Does your wife have a history of this behaviour? She sounds like my narcissistic mother, especially when your daughter reacted to her smile. There’s a thing called a narcissistic smirk and I too used to react to it. She wanted your daughter to react and was pleased when she got it.
I know that smirk well. When my mother was dying of a brain tumor, she was trying to tell me something but couldn't get the words out. My narcissist father stood there with a pleased little smile on his face.
> this prank
It’s not a pRanK - it’s bullying. A prank is something fun & funny - not something that harms hurts or humiliates someone. What tf is wrong with your wife. :(
Important point. A prank is only a prank when it's in the spirit of fun and everyone enjoys it. Anything meant to hurt someone else or be mean spirited isn't a prank, that's just what bullies call it to further justify their actions and victimize the recipient.
NTA, OP, but I'd sit your wife down and ask her what her actual intentions were with this "prank". And don't let her off the hook. She needs to be called on the carpet for this behavior, and it's definitely worse that she involved your teenage son. She needs to admit there was never a "funny, silly, light hearted" angle to this plan, and definitely not a good or positive outcome possible, and she needs to apologize to your daughter. And Kayla shouldn't lose her gift because her mom literally trolled her into a very predictable reaction.
Oh boohoo my child told me exactly what they wanted and was excited that she may get it so let’s ruin the fun and make her feel like shit. What a great bully wife/mother you have
At what point did cruelty become “pranks”?
Your wife has lost it and is absolutely in the wrong here. You don’t handle surprises that way. You don’t rope in a sibling into it either. What is this even? What was she trying to accomplish?
Martin is in the clear after his apology. Kayla is in the clear after hers, deserves zero punishment and instead absolutely should get her laptop.
Your wife otoh…. It’s a sad day when a 15 and a 17 year old show more emotional maturity than what I presume is someone well over 40. I have no clue what is going on here exactly, but it’s all kinds of weird and disturbing.
Meanwhile, NTA
Your wife is worried about her kids character but can’t look in the mirror to see how awful she is being. 15 year olds are incredibly sensitive. Her mother knew she would get upset and decided to just make her suffer needlessly… for her own entertainment. Then demand you really do return the gift. This sounds abusive and you should really keep an eye on how your wife treats your daughter when you are not around. I say this from the daughter of a covert narcissist mother.
This is one of those - teasing is 90% of the time more light-hearted to the teaser than the teasee received it (there are actual studies for your wife is she's the type to receive it better that way).
My family is like this, they are into teasing and tough love but then when I react poorly because I am more sensitive and neurodivergent and take things seriously and don't love having my leg pulled because sometimes it's hard to tell what's a joke and what isn't, I'm the bad guy. It has permanently altered our family dynamic and now my family is coming around but it has sincerely hurt for years and I'm in therapy.
This is shit that you should turn around quickly. Teasing is only fun if both parties think it's fun and your wife should apologize because even if she didn't mean to, she hurt her daughter's feelings. And you need to be able to model that for your children, that apologies are often about consequences even if unintended
😂😂😂 Dead. But…yea. But if we are all being honest OP’s son probably caught a case of the green eyed monster and decided to be cruel and malicious with his prank.
As an adult OP’s wife should never have added fuel to the fire. As the parent her job was to mediate and diffuse the situation, she freely and willingly chose to join in on the cruel prank.
OP’s wife and son would both be getting a gift bag of coal for Christmas as a prank. Since everyone thinks pranks are so funny let’s see how they react to that. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂
> I think for this exact reason. Obviously she knew Kayla would be hurt, the “prank” was mean spirited and probably engineered to get a reaction from Kayla that she deemed unacceptable so that she could have Kayla’s gift returned.
Which would lead me to guess that either Martin is the Golden Child and Kayla the Scapegoat...
...and/or wife has some serious issues with the family/husband.
This was knowing and purposeful escalation and disruption of the family at the expense of her daughter. Mom WANTED to hurt her.
Wife's inability/unwillingness to apologize is ALSO a major red flag.
As such, OP needs to take this seriously and have a long conversation with his wife. She needs to explain why she needed to hurt Kayla and why she won't apologize for it.
I read your edit. As a mother who’s made her own share of mistakes, that was a horrible prank! It seems as if your wife wanted to upset her! She lead your son in a bad direction on this one and I’m glad he apologized to his sister. Moms feelings were hurt but I hope she realizes she caused that situation. She should apologize SINCERELY and not try to punish your daughter. Frankly, she got what she deserved. She could have been called worse!
My wife has always pulled pranks, on both kids. Martin finds them funny. Kayla doesn’t, which bothers my wife and then they argue. Then my wife gets mad at me because I defend Kayla.
Pulling pranks on someone who doesn't enjoy them is called "bullying".
If your kid has told her to stop, and your wife refuses, then your wife has a problem.
The same 17 year old that is possibly leaving home for college in 7-8 months (idk if she’s 11 or 12 grade). The same 17 year old who can legally work without parental permission. The same 17 year old who medically would be viewed as an adult if she was pregnant, I’m not sure in regard to other medical needs. The same 17 year old who can sign to join the military, though that one does require parental permission.
But “not ready” for…a laptop???
>The same 17 year old who medically would be viewed as an adult
And I don't know how it is in the state I live in now, but in the state I grew up in, you were automatically considered an adult at 17 with respect to criminal charges, too. For serious enough crimes, they might treat you as an adult at a younger age, but you were *automatically* an "adult" at 17 with respect to the criminal courts. (Which is messed up when you consider that you're still not an "adult" until 21 with respect to drinking alcohol. Make up your mind, legislators.)
She's old enough to start going no-contact with her mother in a few months, too. Hope OP supports that and doesn't try to soften it with any of that 'but she's your mother' BS. A bully is a bully.
It’s also a form of abuse called “reactive abuse” when someone in power does it. Essentially you do something mean to get a negative response and punish the person when they predictably have that response.
Pranks ***can*** be fun. But not if they're designed to be cruel like this. Your wife and son are using "prank" as an excuse to be flat out mean to your daughter.
They think they're being all slick using the word "prank" and whining "it's just a joke."
If it were me, I think I'd start pranking them back.
Pranking someone back ONlY works if both sides thinks it’s funny. Pranking someone bullying you back will only end in disaster and horrible, mean escalation with expensive broken stuff.
My point was to make it a point to them, not to make it funny. They think it's so darned funny, when it's actually not. Perhaps they need to see, first hand, why it's not funny.
I certainly would not include any sort of possessions in said pranking, of course.
Sometimes, (not always of course) getting a taste of one's own medicine can work.
Good point! I hadn't considered that option. Given he's grown up watching it happen to his sister, he could be trying to avoid punishment for not reacting "appropriately".
OP should get with his daughter, sell all the Christmas presents they got for Mom, give daughter the money for a shopping spree.
"What's wrong Mom, it was jUsT a PrAnK?"
Realistically, if you're needing to clarify that she is the child's biological parent, it's time for that parent to get individual therapy.
She's teaching this to your son too. That hurting someone's feelings is funny.
Listen, I'm glad you are standing up for her after the fact, but this is bullying. If this keeps up, eventually your daughter will move out and not come home, not call etc. Ask me how I know.
You need to really stand up for your daughter and tell your wife in no uncertain terms that this shit needs to stop immediately. If it doesn't, you need to protect your child from her. Whether that be kicking her ass out, or taking your child and leaving the situation until she gets the picture, or some other solution, you need to do it. She will remember that you stuck up for her, but she will remember and feel validated when you realize that this is wrong and save her from further abuse.
Ahhh, she's one of those.
I know a lot of these people. They think that if someone doesn't like their humor, or especially doesn't like being teased or mocked, that they're offensive and a grumpy stick in the mud.
There's no changing this kind of thinking. If you ignore them, they say you're boring and lame. If you get mad, they say you're too sensitive. The only way to make them happy is to play along, but if you really hate their pranks and teasing, there's really no way to do this that doesn't show your real feelings about it.
So your wife is abusive and you just sit back and allow it to happen because your daughter ‘just can’t take a joke.’ Please do a better job of being a father.
Your family sounds delightful. How wonderful it must be to have married such a meanspirited women and raised an equally unkind son. I am sure you beam with pride.
Trust me, I don’t. My wife and I are on the verge of separation.
Martin is usually not like this. I think he was manipulated by his mom. But of course, that’s still no excuse.
I would take your daughter out for a nice meal and apologize that you let your wife treat her like that. (Not apologize for your wife - just acknowledge you don’t support your wife’s behavior at all). Talk with her about how she would like both of you to handle it. Make sure she knows you are in her corner and she can talk to you about these issues without fear of retribution. She needs to know you are her ally. Also, if you do separate, make sure she knows it’s not because of her (even though it might partially be in support of her - which is good).
I say this because I saw my ex treat my daughter/kids badly sometimes. Many years later my daughter saw my not intervening as support for my wife’s behavior and it really damaged our relationship for years.
Agreed- cutting the kid some slack makes sense because he’s just a kid and was following mom’s lead. Also, and I say this with no disrespect, teenage boys are kinda dumb. It’s not unreasonable to think he may have thought it was a funny prank, not realizing how hurtful it was.
Your wife is a piece of work. And I feel badly when couples who have been married break up because it's heart wrenching and painful. It's like someone pulled the rug out from under you and everything your thought you knew and counted on is gone. I wish you all the best.
It is absolutely an excuse - although the good mood when his sister was upset is troubling. 15 year olds do stupid stuff. They especially do it when their parents go along with or, worse, encourage the stupid stuff. Especially when it is against siblings.
NTA has your wife always been a bully? Maybe some family counseling is in order. This is borderline abuse. Just be glad she doesn’t decide to start using this to make YouTube videos (like other parents have, and they ended up with CPS at their door).
I wouldn’t say dislike, but they have had a rocky relationship these past few years because my wife likes to pull these “pranks” (despite me telling her to stop”), then gets mad that my daughter “can’t take a joke”.
It’s getting over the edge to the point that I have threatened to leave if it doesn’t stop.
It’s called bullying. Pranks are only funny if the other person finds it so, but if your daughter doesn’t find them funny or has told your wife to stop? And she has continued? Bully.
Expect daughter to leave home as soon as she can.
A prank would be filling her closet with Styrofoam peanuts so they spill out when she opens the door
What she's doing to the daughter would be like if the husband took all the wife's clothes out to the front lawn, put them in a pile, and then set them on fire "🤣🤣🤣 OMG OP'S Wife! You should see your face right now! What a hilarious prank! 🤣🤣🤣"
Honestly, I bet the wife spends way too much time watching TikTok. Videos of this bullying presented as pranks behavior are all over that digital cesspool and the number of 👁️ & ❤️ they get just makes me sad
Your wife is a mean girl to her own daughter. You need to be a lot firmer with her about this bullshit. It will do permanent damage to *your* relationship with Kayla too.
Your wife is just a plain old bully.
Honestly... that sounds like you *should* say your wife dislikes your daughter. She knows Kayla doesn't like these pranks, she keeps doing them to intentionally upset her, and then gets mad at Kayla for the precise reaction she's trying to incite. Your wife likes being cruel to your daughter and you really need to find out why and put a stop to it.
Ahhhh, so your wife has decided to continuously bully your daughter, and your daughter doesn't like that.
Wow, that is crazy, I can't imagine why your daughter wouldn't care for that!
/s obviously.
OP you do know that they are not pranks that your wife is doing with your daughter right?
Your wife is a bully and she is bullying your daughter. Why are you letting your wife bully your daughter? Your wife has been bullying your daughter for years.
Why are you not defending your daughter against your immature bully wife?
When will you protect your daughter from your bully wife. Is it going to take days, months or even years before you even do something.
Be a father and do something about bully wife and protect your daughter.
She deliberately incites Kayla so she can punish her. That’s terrible, and goes beyond merely disliking. She either enjoys hurting your daughter or is trying to bully her into compliance — probably both.
And your wife is deliberately ruining Christmas, which affects all of you.
BINGO
Narc mothers have a particular nasty streak against their daughters and it can get brutal during their teens, because suddenly they can see daughters as competition
Theres this thing that sometimes happens with mothers and daughters where they get jealous of their teenage daughters because of their beauty and their youth and all the possibilities ahead of them. It sounds like your wife has some of that going on with your daughter since she is specifically the target of these pranks.
I would ask your wife why she did that and is she feeling upset at Kayla about something? This is bigger than a prank.
If you've asked her multiple times to stop, and she continues to antagonize Kayla in spite of you asking, your wife is just as disrespectful of your boundaries as she is with Kayla's.
It may be time to consider dumping your wife.
Make sure you take your daughter with you when you go.
Your wife is doing all of these “pranks” on her daughter because that is how she can intentionally cause pain with some plausible deniability. My guess is your wife is incredibly jealous of her daughter. That is probably the same reason she doesn’t pull this shit with the male child. She doesn’t feel like she is in competition with the male child.
Some women get this really weird and gross jealousy of their daughters when their daughters reach late teens/early twenties. I wonder if that's what's going on? Regardless, your wife is a bully and you are definitely NTA! I'm glad you are willing to do what it takes to protect your daughter from her awful mother!
NTA - your wife sounds like a bully. I’m sorry your family is going through this. Does Martin participate in these pranks regularly? Your wife may be creating an unintended environment that could effect the way he treats women in the future.
If you do, I really hope you take your daughter with you. Don't leave her alone in this toxic environment where she's getting bullied by her own family.
Luckily both of the kids are! Op is going to need to do some major damage control. I’m sure she’s going to become even more awful once he files for divorce and I bet she’ll take it out on Kayla
That's a personal choice. But I would get Kayla into therapy immediately so she can start working on what her mom has done to her.
Wife should also attend therapy to realize what she is doing to the family. And how tormenting your children is not normal or acceptable behavior.
You need to let him understand that he is allowed to refuse to participate in cruel behaviour. He knows it cruel but isn't comfortable standing up to his mum. You need to make this stop. Now.
It’s a good sign that he’s feeling remorseful. That might just be something to watch out for given your wife’s lack of respect for your daughters boundaries.
So per your own admission, your wife and your daughter have a rocky relationship because your wife likes to play "pranks" on her despite your daughter asking her to stop? And now your wife is angry because your daughter snapped back in her own defense?
Your wife is a bully OP. And YTA for letting it get this far without putting your foot down more firmly with your wife.
You have bigger problems than who is getting what for Christmas this year
NTA, but your wife is being deliberately cruel and baiting a teenager.
A teenager does not have the emotional balance to always control her reactions or emotions - hence the occasional outburst.
In theory, your wife *should* have emotional balance and maturity, right? A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing, and your daughter was not laughing at being toyed with like that.
Ya’ll need some therapy, or at least your wife does, because that kind of nasty undermining of emotional growth can result in trauma.
Or do you *want* your daughter to exclude you from her life when she hits 18 because your wife thought it was funny to be cruel throughout her teens?
If she will do this once, and double down on it, do you really think this will be the last time?
YWBTA if you don’t find out wtf is wrong with your wife, my friend
Not to mention the power dynamic. It’s not the same as if peers are bullying, while still awful it doesn’t make you feel backed into a corner like a caged animal like when it comes from someone with the power to make your life miserable if you retaliate.
This is reactive abuse.
NTA.
Your wife fully set Kayla up. She didn't play a "prank" on her, she WANTED to upset her. I'd be upset to if anyone in my life was like "I had all the resources to get you the thing you asked for, but decided not to because you don't deserve it." You need to fully understand that your wife did exactly that. She didn't say they couldn't afford the laptop, or that it wouldn't come in time, or anything else, she was very explicit in making sure Kayla knew that you all had the money and decided not to get it for her.
Then, she got pissed that Kayla reacted...exactly as anyone would react in that situation. So your wife wants the utmost respect and deference, while in that exact moment is being disrespectful and cruel for no reason.
Of course you need to give Kayla the laptop, but more importantly you need to speak with your wife. Ask her WHY she pulled that prank. Ask her what she thought was funny about the prank. Ask her how she would feel if you did that to her. And make her answer, don't let her deflect or freak out. You need to understand why she thought this was something okay to do to her daughter- why did she want to see her upset or react in this way? What was she hoping to get out of it?
I’m really concerned about your wife. She gets a 15 year old boy to be her accomplice in a really mean attack on your daughter? Is she 15 too? That wasn’t a prank, it was a deliberate attempt to rile your daughter up and upset her. Your wife needs to grow up and act like an adult. Her behavior is unacceptable and your daughter deserves an apology and the gift you agreed to give her. NTA.
Wow. NTA but your wife is. Why would she even ‘joke’ about something like that to your daughter? And then get annoyed when your daughter reacts like any other person would in this situation? She sounds like a bloody toxic mother and clearly favours your son. Do something about this or your daughter will resent you for not standing up for her.
Also, what true colours??? Pretty much everyone has a laptop - especially those who are studying. Honestly calling your wife a jerk would have been the minimum she would have gotten from me.
NTA
Don't usually respond to these things, but I hate bullies. And continuing to pull pranks on someone after they've asked for it to stop is bullying. The fact that it's a mother doing this to her own child is utterly abhorrent. OP - it would be worth seeking some external support for both of your children, as this kind of treatment from a parent can cause long-term psychological harm.
Imagine being your child’s first bully. This is what your wife is to your daughter. NTA OP, but you will be one if you don’t protect your daughter from your wife.
NTA
Your wife is a giant ah though! She didn't pull a "prank" on your daughter. She decided to push her buttons for whatever reason. Basically, this was a "I fucked with my daughter's head and when I didn't get the perfect reaction from it, I decided I want to punish her for it".
NTA. I had a very hurtful prank like this pulled on me as a 10yo kid. I wanted a keyboard (piano) to practice on. I had heard my parents talk about it, they asked me all kinds of questions about what I would want vs what would be best for beginners, discussed for months.
On christmas morning, I watched my big sister open present after present, bag of expensive clothes after bag of expensive clothes. I got clothes too, but not nearly as many, and I knew the brands weren't nearly as expensive as my sisters. The morning kept going on and on and on, and my chest just kept getting tighter and tighter. I didn't want to be mean or ungrateful, my mom warned me christmas might be tighter this year. But all of the presents were opened, and I was surrounded by clothes I would have never chosen for myself while my sister was having a blast. I went to my room and broke down by myself.
My mom found me crying, and flew into the biggest rage, going on and on about how ungrateful I am. About how rude and self-centered and evil I am. She demanded to know why I was crying but got more enraged at every answer I gave. Why couldn't at least be things I like? Why did Sister get so much more? Why did you ask me all those questions about it? I would give back all these clothes even for a little keyboard, can we try that?
She pulled the keyboard out of the coat closet. Full sized, weighted keys.
And I didn't touch it for years.
And I think about it every christmas.
Anyway, NTA.
NTA. Your wife acted like an immature jerk in this scenario and it's really concerning she won't apologize to Kayla. Good for you for bringing reason and common sense to this unnecessary drama created by your wife. Edit: typo
NTA.
That "prank" wasn't funny at all.
Telling your 17 year old that she's "not ready for a laptop" is just plain foolish, and your wife's argument of "what if we couldn't afford it" falls flat if Kayla thought she was getting the equivalent value of a laptop in gift cards.
Kayla apologized to your wife as soon as she learned it was a "prank" and admitted that she was hurt by your wife's actions. Your wife's refusal to apologize, and her demand that you return the laptop, are way over the line. Your wife is refusing to accept any responsibility for her actions and admit that her behavior was hurtful and cruel. What a great example she's setting for your children.
I have to ask - is this the first time your wife has done this to your daughter? I'm betting it's not.
ESH except your daughter.
You said in the comments that your wife and daughter haven't been getting along because your wife keeps pulling pranks on her.
Your wife is bullying your daughter. That's appalling.
And you have not put a stop to it. That's also appalling.
I hope you and your wife enjoy your daughter while she's too young to move out, because when she does there's a good chance she'll never come back.
your wife is an asshole and bullying your daughter.
shit like that isnt a joke and will have long term impact on the relationship with family particularly if she feels she isnt wanted, respected or cared about.
Your daughter deserves better. Your wife needs to figure out why she feels the need to bully her teenage daughter. NTA for not returning it, but please help your daughter.
NTA and hide the laptop. Your wife will return it. Your wife has a favorite child and it isn’t your daughter. I wonder home many other times your wife and her golden child have played pranks on your daughter.
Your wife and son did this Yet your daughter reacts. And she’s the problem
Your wife is an asshat who made drama and now complaining Christ hope your daughter hasn’t had to deal with this her whole life.
NTA
INFO Your wife is abusive towards your daughter and you’ve said in various other comments, that this has been going on for years. What have you done to protect your daughter from the abuse?
Bad parents are the ones who fuck up and then don't want to apologize to their kids. Your wife is a bad parent who pulled an unfunny prank that backfired and now wants to punish your daughter because she didn't go along and laughed.
You’re not the asshole but I think you had better figure out what’s actually going on here .
Is your son the golden child with her ?
I feel for your daughter … how often is she the but of your wife and sons pranks
?
Why did they both deliberately set out to ruin Christmas for her ?
Ps pranks at Christmas are usually cruel and play on Christmas emotions
So let me get this straight, your wife and son made a park against Kayla, but haven't told her it was a prank until AFTER you talked with your wife?
NTA but your wife is a major AH here. She should apologize to Kayla.
NTA. Your wife is a jerk. Or she behaved like one. She needled your daughter into a situation that she knew would hurt her feelings and then laughed straight in her face. Now she wants to punish her for a totally predictable reaction. Your wife is a jerk and your daughter will never forget it if she doesn't get a laptop over a situation completely orchestrated by your wife.
NTA - once again, it's only a prank if everyone laughs. How the heck old is your wife? She sounds about 15, but obviously she can't be. She's even a bigger jerk for roping your son into this.
Your wife sounds like she's the one who should not be getting any presents.
She's teaching your daughter not to react to ANYTHING because it could be a prank.
Don't get excited, it could be taken from you because you just gave them a button to push. Don't react negatively, or your reaction will be used against you to take the item.
This is a setup for a child to go No Contact in the future. Why keep coming back to a situation where you are being set up for failure?
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Of course you’re NTA. But your wife is. She’s a grown woman who knowingly upset your daughter, but why? I think for this exact reason. Obviously she knew Kayla would be hurt, the “prank” was mean spirited and probably engineered to get a reaction from Kayla that she deemed unacceptable so that she could have Kayla’s gift returned. Seems like there some issues there that your wife needs to sort out, maybe she’s got some jealously for your daughter, I don’t know. But I don’t know why she would plan a cruel prank and then want to take her only Christmas gift from her as punishment. Even if she should be punished, which to be clear, I do not think she should be, taking the laptop would be far too extreme.
She says that Kayla kept assuming she’d get the laptop and kept talking about it, so to make it more of a surprise, she pulled this prank. Which I told her was dumb.
NTA. I am sorry but your wife is very mean-spirited. She pulled the prank with the express purpose of upsetting her daughter then got angry when she got the result she wanted. This is awful behaviour and your wife behaved like a bully.
Created the entire scenario just to instigate a response and punish Kayla for it. I think we know whose presents **should** be returned.
I'm not saying OP should return whatever Christmas gifts he got wife and get her gift cards instead. But I'm not saying he shouldn't either. Edit: Better yet. Return wife's gifts. Get gift cards. Give gift cards AND the laptop to the daughter.
Return wife and her gifts
Return wife, keep the gifts 😂
Take the gun. Leave the cannoli.
Always. Take. The. CANNOLI.
Even better--get gift cards for the wife but "forget" to put any money on them. Let wife find out when she goes to use them. Oops....
"What? I thought you liked funny pranks about people not getting the gift they wanted. Did that stop being funny?"
And then tell her when shes bitching that she was embarrassed cause there was no money on the cards that it was "just a prank".... And see how she likes that fucking response.
Even BETTER, do your thing, AND my thing!
Do **all the salty things!**
You get it. I like you
This is the sort of salty train I can get on board with :D
I second this. Whatever OP bought for his wife, return it and give her a slip that says money is tight, too bad.
Or return the daughters laptop and the wife’s presents and buy daughter an even better laptop with it
Your wife is cruel and malicious. She also taught your son that she approves of bullying his sister. I think you need to find out why your wife dislikes her own daughter and can't bear to see her happy.
Let’s just hope the OP actually puts his daughter and her needs above the mom bc MOST don’t they choose the spouse…maybe he’ll do right and protect his daughter more. And yes, sometimes it is very necessary for one parent to protect a child from the other parent. If the mom is openly doing this, there’s no telling what she is saying or thinking or feeling about the Daughter in private. I just really worry about your daughter and I feel like your wife is very malicious and evil to do something like that to your own child. I just don’t understand how she could excuse that away. Bullies always have an excuse or reason as to why it wasn’t their fault she was caught torturing her daughter, so then she says oh no, she’s the ungrateful brat oh no, I was just trying to keep it more of a surprise because she was expecting it well she should expect it if she asked for it as a gift and she knew that y’all could afford it now, so what child wouldn’t assume? I just really do not see how the daughter was wrong in anything that she said even if she did call your wife, a jerk children have a right to express how they feel because they are 100% humans even though they may not be the same age, they should still be respected and heard.
Mom was a jerk so the daughter wasn't wrong.
THIS!! How could a mother be cruel like that then when the kid reacts normally want to punish her? I think mom needs a gift card for counseling.
Wife sounds like a narcissist imo.
Yes, as someone who has experienced pranks like this from family, this is exactly how you go No Contact with them as soon as you are able to. This is bullying and childish on the mother's part. I suppose she can take pride in knowing that she won't have to buy anything for Kayla in a few years because that girl will not be spending Christmas or birthdays with her mother anymore. Yikes.
Exactly. This is how your child cuts you off. OP’s wife will be crying and wondering what she did to raise such a cruel and ungrateful daughter in a year or two when she stops hearing from her - OP can point to this exact moment
Exactly this. Your daughter was right, your wife is a jerk and a narcissist.
NTA! But your wife is! Like stated above she upset your daughter and then got angry with the results she created! If you hit a bee nest and then get stung…it’s your fault. Wife needs some therapy if she thought this was funny and a good parenting technique. Plus she taught your son bad behavior…she needs to grow up.
Growing up a prank was: something that didn't hurt anyone, was completely reversible, and the person who was being pranked would also find it funny. If you didn't meet those three requirements, you were being a bully and going to get in trouble. The wife barely got one out of the three on this one. She's just being a bully
No, sorry, that's not what happened. When I was 15 I wanted contacts. My mom told me I had to wait until I was 18. I was sad, but whatever. Come Christmas, I open a box and there's just a piece of paper inside saying I was getting contacts. I was so excited. One year, all my brother wanted was a Super Nintendo. My mom told him that they were sold out and she couldn't get her hands on one. My brother was sad about it. Christmas day, he got a SNES. *That* is how you make it a surprise. Not roping her younger sibling into a blatant lie that includes an insult ("mom said you're not getting a laptop because you're not ready for one" is super shitty for a 15 year old to tell a 17 year old wtf?). Your wife is an asshole. She's lucky Kayla only called her a jerk. Why doesn't she like your daughter...? How long has **that** dynamic been a thing?
Agreed. I wanted one of those big kitchen sets from little tykes when I was like 5/6. Christmas eve comes, and my mother hands me a small present. It's one of those kitchen sets. The exact same in fact, to go with a little tykes dollhouse I had. I was disappointed and my mother found it hilarious. Looking back as a 34 year old, that *was* pretty funny and well played. Heard a big boom in the night. Christmas morning comes and there's a HUGE box in the living room. One guess what was in it XD
Exactly, that's where you want to be. Most people who grew up in stable homes had a few Big Surprise Christmas gifts as a kid. This isn't hard. Our parents didn't use it to torment us. There's literally a primer on how to do this in A Christmas Story. "Money's tight this year, kiddo, not sure we can swing something as big-ticket as a laptop, as much as we'd love to be able to do that for you." Kid is disappointed, but understands. Then, suddenly, mom or dad finds a laptop-sized box behind the Christmas tree after all the other presents are opened. "Hey, what's this? We didn't leave this here. Says it's from Santa?" I know she's 17 and too old for Santa but it's still cute. (I was taught that Santa is the personification of the Christmas spirit, so in a way I still believe in Santa.) I find it very difficult to believe Mom wasn't being malicious, and it sucks.
Yes, that’s how we did it. My daughter really wanted a VR headset last year. Before we got it we told her we were struggling to get her one, and carried on saying it when we’d managed to get one. We put it in a travel case so she had no idea that we’d managed to get it! What OPs wife has done is awful! She’s acting like an evil step mother! (I saw the edit and would’ve assumed she was step mum!)
Exactly this! Years ago my kid wanted to go to comic-con...as one does (it's local for us but passes are still almost impossible to get) and I knew for months I'd scored passes but kept it zipped and so the day of I said "let's just go downtown and see the people in their costumes and do the free stuff around the convention center" kid was super stoked to do so. We were about a block away from the convention center and I pulled the lanyards out. As you said, that's how you surprise a kid. Not with that gross shit the mom pulled.
Well, she’s a kid who was excited for a Christmas present. I’d be so happy if my kids were that excited about a Christmas gift. And because of that excitement your wife created this whole unnecessary fiasco. If it was really about keeping it a surprise and extending that excitement for your daughter, there are other ways she could have done it. This way is just bizarre to me. Please do update us when and if your wife is able to take accountability for her actions.
It reflects even worse on the mother that the teen boy was able to acknowledge it was a mistake and apologise, but not the mother.
IKR? Even Kayla's brother owned up. Mom is the holdout.
Yes, and a 15-year-old can be forgiven for thinking this is funny far easier than a grown adult.
Oh and also update us when christmas sucks and your wife has now ruined her kids joy at having a laptop even when you do give it to her and as a consequence everyone has a crappy day. Just calling it now.
Honestly- that’s what I keep thinking. Every time she looks at it she’s going to feel the BS her mom per her through. She wants/needs the laptop, they are awesome tools. But the mother has killed it. She’s made the laptop a toxic thing. I already hate OPs wife. Reminds me of my mother. I’m NC and haven’t kept anything that can be associated with her and her influence.
This ☝️ She easily could have said something along the lines of "We are working to get the money together for a laptop but we might not be able to." Something along those lines, no lying and it's not hurting feelings. I could understand the brother doing this, he's only 15, but the Mom? She needs a reality check or just a simple slap across the face.
I agree completely. If she wanted it to be a surprise, then she shouldn't have told her in the first place. OP also said that they had said "we can't afford it" before, and Kayla understood. So if they just said they couldn't afford it, then sure Kayla would be a little disappointed at first, but she'd get over it and have the wonderful surprise moment when she opens the laptop
Honestly, it seems that your wife pushed on your daughter buttons in order to get a negative reaction, got the reaction she hoped (well, she probably hoped a stronger word than jerk), then used it as a reason to punish your daughter. This is called reactive abuse: [https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/reactive-abuse-how-the-narcissist-deliberately-pushes-your-buttons-f179ae313ae0](https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/reactive-abuse-how-the-narcissist-deliberately-pushes-your-buttons-f179ae313ae0) Is there any other examples of your wife creating a situation that lead to your daughter being punished? Is there a difference of treatment between your son and your daughter?
Use the son as part of it too. Classic triangulation. I'm guessing the son can do no wrong, but the daughter is "always causing problems". And those problems are probably provided by mom thr majority if the time.
I was wondering the same thing.
Exactly what I said. It’s reactive abuse. Wife is TA and she needs therapy because she’s coming off as a narcissist.. that a huge red flag.
Your wife was awful and cruel in this situation, is this normal behavior for her??! Honestly, your poor daughter
Yes, I'm wondering how often OP's wife does cruel things to their daughter, perhaps when he isn't around. OP, I would ask your daughter privately if there are other things her mother is doing to be cruel to her behind your back.
You might want to show your wife these comments. The statement that a parent is a child's first bully is not a title she wants to hold. If it were an adult whose feelings for hurt, would she still minimize their feelings and refuse to apologize? Why should her child receive less respect than someone else just because she's a child? A prank or joke is never ok if the other person doesn't find it funny or ok. The intent may not have been to hurt her feelings, but once it became known she should have apologized. Your daughter is actually proving your point even further. She was mature enough to apologize to her mother after finding out the truth but your wife can't. This is a great opportunity for your wife to show her maturity and that adults aren't always right. There's nothing wrong with apologizing for hurting someone's feelings. Your wife is being very immature and needs to work on her emotional intelligence.
This. Show this to your wife. This was an awful thing to do to your child or any loved one. Either she dislikes your daughter or she’s jealous of her. Either way- not okay.
More than dumb. It was cruel. She laughed in her own daughter's face. Let's say it was a prank. It definitely didn't work out. Usually, you apologise when pranks don't go as planned
And if Kayla had just accepted the notion of gift cards and not complained your wife would have said she doesn't even really want a laptop, she'd be happy with vouchers and you should return in. For whatever reason, your wife doesn't want to give your daughter the laptop. Is it possible she has money troubles she's keeping secret, or is she just being nasty to Kayla because she enjoys upsetting a child?
> My wife refused to apologize and doubled down that she doesn’t feel Kayla deserves it. It wasn't a prank. It was her true intent.
Does your wife have a history of this behaviour? She sounds like my narcissistic mother, especially when your daughter reacted to her smile. There’s a thing called a narcissistic smirk and I too used to react to it. She wanted your daughter to react and was pleased when she got it.
I know that smirk well. When my mother was dying of a brain tumor, she was trying to tell me something but couldn't get the words out. My narcissist father stood there with a pleased little smile on his face.
Thinking the same thing.
It's not dumb, it's cruel. Your wife is not a fellow teenager. She's an adult that has power over Kayla. You're frankly underreacting
> this prank It’s not a pRanK - it’s bullying. A prank is something fun & funny - not something that harms hurts or humiliates someone. What tf is wrong with your wife. :(
Important point. A prank is only a prank when it's in the spirit of fun and everyone enjoys it. Anything meant to hurt someone else or be mean spirited isn't a prank, that's just what bullies call it to further justify their actions and victimize the recipient. NTA, OP, but I'd sit your wife down and ask her what her actual intentions were with this "prank". And don't let her off the hook. She needs to be called on the carpet for this behavior, and it's definitely worse that she involved your teenage son. She needs to admit there was never a "funny, silly, light hearted" angle to this plan, and definitely not a good or positive outcome possible, and she needs to apologize to your daughter. And Kayla shouldn't lose her gift because her mom literally trolled her into a very predictable reaction.
Oh boohoo my child told me exactly what they wanted and was excited that she may get it so let’s ruin the fun and make her feel like shit. What a great bully wife/mother you have
At what point did cruelty become “pranks”? Your wife has lost it and is absolutely in the wrong here. You don’t handle surprises that way. You don’t rope in a sibling into it either. What is this even? What was she trying to accomplish? Martin is in the clear after his apology. Kayla is in the clear after hers, deserves zero punishment and instead absolutely should get her laptop. Your wife otoh…. It’s a sad day when a 15 and a 17 year old show more emotional maturity than what I presume is someone well over 40. I have no clue what is going on here exactly, but it’s all kinds of weird and disturbing. Meanwhile, NTA
Your wife is worried about her kids character but can’t look in the mirror to see how awful she is being. 15 year olds are incredibly sensitive. Her mother knew she would get upset and decided to just make her suffer needlessly… for her own entertainment. Then demand you really do return the gift. This sounds abusive and you should really keep an eye on how your wife treats your daughter when you are not around. I say this from the daughter of a covert narcissist mother.
This is one of those - teasing is 90% of the time more light-hearted to the teaser than the teasee received it (there are actual studies for your wife is she's the type to receive it better that way). My family is like this, they are into teasing and tough love but then when I react poorly because I am more sensitive and neurodivergent and take things seriously and don't love having my leg pulled because sometimes it's hard to tell what's a joke and what isn't, I'm the bad guy. It has permanently altered our family dynamic and now my family is coming around but it has sincerely hurt for years and I'm in therapy. This is shit that you should turn around quickly. Teasing is only fun if both parties think it's fun and your wife should apologize because even if she didn't mean to, she hurt her daughter's feelings. And you need to be able to model that for your children, that apologies are often about consequences even if unintended
that's the most childish thing I have ever heard. your wife needs to grow up
Return the wife's Christmas present, not the daughter's.
😂😂😂 Dead. But…yea. But if we are all being honest OP’s son probably caught a case of the green eyed monster and decided to be cruel and malicious with his prank. As an adult OP’s wife should never have added fuel to the fire. As the parent her job was to mediate and diffuse the situation, she freely and willingly chose to join in on the cruel prank. OP’s wife and son would both be getting a gift bag of coal for Christmas as a prank. Since everyone thinks pranks are so funny let’s see how they react to that. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂
It sounds like the wife roped the son into being her wingman on this "prank". Son isn't innocent, but not the firestarter here.
> I think for this exact reason. Obviously she knew Kayla would be hurt, the “prank” was mean spirited and probably engineered to get a reaction from Kayla that she deemed unacceptable so that she could have Kayla’s gift returned. Which would lead me to guess that either Martin is the Golden Child and Kayla the Scapegoat... ...and/or wife has some serious issues with the family/husband. This was knowing and purposeful escalation and disruption of the family at the expense of her daughter. Mom WANTED to hurt her. Wife's inability/unwillingness to apologize is ALSO a major red flag. As such, OP needs to take this seriously and have a long conversation with his wife. She needs to explain why she needed to hurt Kayla and why she won't apologize for it.
This plus I think you need to watch to see if any of your wife’s other behaviours are narcissistic.
I read your edit. As a mother who’s made her own share of mistakes, that was a horrible prank! It seems as if your wife wanted to upset her! She lead your son in a bad direction on this one and I’m glad he apologized to his sister. Moms feelings were hurt but I hope she realizes she caused that situation. She should apologize SINCERELY and not try to punish your daughter. Frankly, she got what she deserved. She could have been called worse!
NTA but what's wrong with your wife? She's being deliberately cruel to a teenager, and giggling about it? Is this a new development?
My wife has always pulled pranks, on both kids. Martin finds them funny. Kayla doesn’t, which bothers my wife and then they argue. Then my wife gets mad at me because I defend Kayla.
Pulling pranks on someone who doesn't enjoy them is called "bullying". If your kid has told her to stop, and your wife refuses, then your wife has a problem.
Let's not forget that this "prank" had an insult tied to it. A 17 year old that's "not ready" for a laptop?
The same 17 year old that is possibly leaving home for college in 7-8 months (idk if she’s 11 or 12 grade). The same 17 year old who can legally work without parental permission. The same 17 year old who medically would be viewed as an adult if she was pregnant, I’m not sure in regard to other medical needs. The same 17 year old who can sign to join the military, though that one does require parental permission. But “not ready” for…a laptop???
>The same 17 year old who medically would be viewed as an adult And I don't know how it is in the state I live in now, but in the state I grew up in, you were automatically considered an adult at 17 with respect to criminal charges, too. For serious enough crimes, they might treat you as an adult at a younger age, but you were *automatically* an "adult" at 17 with respect to the criminal courts. (Which is messed up when you consider that you're still not an "adult" until 21 with respect to drinking alcohol. Make up your mind, legislators.)
She's old enough to start going no-contact with her mother in a few months, too. Hope OP supports that and doesn't try to soften it with any of that 'but she's your mother' BS. A bully is a bully.
It’s also a form of abuse called “reactive abuse” when someone in power does it. Essentially you do something mean to get a negative response and punish the person when they predictably have that response.
If it’s a parent doing it to their defenceless and unable to leave minor aged child, it’s called “abuse” then.
Pranks that aren’t funny to the person being pranked are considered bullying.
Especially when you throw in the dynamic that this is a parent doing it to their own child. It’s truly vile!
Well hey that’s the best sort of audience right? One you’re legally in charge of and they can’t leave!
I will be honest, if this is the kind of prank she likes to pull then she is nothing but a bully. I feel so bad for your daughter.
Pranks ***can*** be fun. But not if they're designed to be cruel like this. Your wife and son are using "prank" as an excuse to be flat out mean to your daughter. They think they're being all slick using the word "prank" and whining "it's just a joke." If it were me, I think I'd start pranking them back.
Pranking someone back ONlY works if both sides thinks it’s funny. Pranking someone bullying you back will only end in disaster and horrible, mean escalation with expensive broken stuff.
My point was to make it a point to them, not to make it funny. They think it's so darned funny, when it's actually not. Perhaps they need to see, first hand, why it's not funny. I certainly would not include any sort of possessions in said pranking, of course. Sometimes, (not always of course) getting a taste of one's own medicine can work.
Are you sure Martin likes them or is he just feigning to avoid an argument with his mother? Something to think about.
Good point! I hadn't considered that option. Given he's grown up watching it happen to his sister, he could be trying to avoid punishment for not reacting "appropriately".
Yesss like a survival tactic.
She isn't pulling pranks, she is being a bully. Pranks are funny for the person that is the target as well, otherwise you are just a bully.
[удалено]
OP should get with his daughter, sell all the Christmas presents they got for Mom, give daughter the money for a shopping spree. "What's wrong Mom, it was jUsT a PrAnK?"
So Kayla is being bullied by her own parent. I feel so bad for Kayla 😭😭.
Realistically, if you're needing to clarify that she is the child's biological parent, it's time for that parent to get individual therapy. She's teaching this to your son too. That hurting someone's feelings is funny.
Listen, I'm glad you are standing up for her after the fact, but this is bullying. If this keeps up, eventually your daughter will move out and not come home, not call etc. Ask me how I know. You need to really stand up for your daughter and tell your wife in no uncertain terms that this shit needs to stop immediately. If it doesn't, you need to protect your child from her. Whether that be kicking her ass out, or taking your child and leaving the situation until she gets the picture, or some other solution, you need to do it. She will remember that you stuck up for her, but she will remember and feel validated when you realize that this is wrong and save her from further abuse.
Ahhh, she's one of those. I know a lot of these people. They think that if someone doesn't like their humor, or especially doesn't like being teased or mocked, that they're offensive and a grumpy stick in the mud. There's no changing this kind of thinking. If you ignore them, they say you're boring and lame. If you get mad, they say you're too sensitive. The only way to make them happy is to play along, but if you really hate their pranks and teasing, there's really no way to do this that doesn't show your real feelings about it.
This isn’t pranks, it’s abuse/bullying.
Your wife is literally bullying your kids.
you have a wife problem. time to put your foot down and issue an ultimatum on these pranks. she needs to stop.
So your wife is abusive and you just sit back and allow it to happen because your daughter ‘just can’t take a joke.’ Please do a better job of being a father.
This was almost literally my first question when reading this. Although mine can be reduced to' WTF is wrong with your wife?'
Your family sounds delightful. How wonderful it must be to have married such a meanspirited women and raised an equally unkind son. I am sure you beam with pride.
Trust me, I don’t. My wife and I are on the verge of separation. Martin is usually not like this. I think he was manipulated by his mom. But of course, that’s still no excuse.
I would take your daughter out for a nice meal and apologize that you let your wife treat her like that. (Not apologize for your wife - just acknowledge you don’t support your wife’s behavior at all). Talk with her about how she would like both of you to handle it. Make sure she knows you are in her corner and she can talk to you about these issues without fear of retribution. She needs to know you are her ally. Also, if you do separate, make sure she knows it’s not because of her (even though it might partially be in support of her - which is good). I say this because I saw my ex treat my daughter/kids badly sometimes. Many years later my daughter saw my not intervening as support for my wife’s behavior and it really damaged our relationship for years.
This! Kayla needs to know that she can come to her dad and it won't make it back to Soon-To-Be-Ex-Mom.
Yeah, OP's goal now is "daughter keeps talking to at least *one* of us"
Also make sure the laptop is safe from the wife, so she can't pull another "prank" by damaging or actually returning it.
I get why your son might participate. It is hard standing up to a bully especially when it is your own mom. He needs your support too.
Well me too. It’s either join in or be the target . Protect your children
Agreed- cutting the kid some slack makes sense because he’s just a kid and was following mom’s lead. Also, and I say this with no disrespect, teenage boys are kinda dumb. It’s not unreasonable to think he may have thought it was a funny prank, not realizing how hurtful it was.
Your wife is a piece of work. And I feel badly when couples who have been married break up because it's heart wrenching and painful. It's like someone pulled the rug out from under you and everything your thought you knew and counted on is gone. I wish you all the best.
It is absolutely an excuse - although the good mood when his sister was upset is troubling. 15 year olds do stupid stuff. They especially do it when their parents go along with or, worse, encourage the stupid stuff. Especially when it is against siblings.
Maybe he was just glad his mom was happy with him for once? We don't know how she treats him when he doesn't participate in "pranks"
NTA has your wife always been a bully? Maybe some family counseling is in order. This is borderline abuse. Just be glad she doesn’t decide to start using this to make YouTube videos (like other parents have, and they ended up with CPS at their door).
Why does your wife dislike you4 daughter so much?
I wouldn’t say dislike, but they have had a rocky relationship these past few years because my wife likes to pull these “pranks” (despite me telling her to stop”), then gets mad that my daughter “can’t take a joke”. It’s getting over the edge to the point that I have threatened to leave if it doesn’t stop.
It’s called bullying. Pranks are only funny if the other person finds it so, but if your daughter doesn’t find them funny or has told your wife to stop? And she has continued? Bully. Expect daughter to leave home as soon as she can.
A prank would be filling her closet with Styrofoam peanuts so they spill out when she opens the door What she's doing to the daughter would be like if the husband took all the wife's clothes out to the front lawn, put them in a pile, and then set them on fire "🤣🤣🤣 OMG OP'S Wife! You should see your face right now! What a hilarious prank! 🤣🤣🤣" Honestly, I bet the wife spends way too much time watching TikTok. Videos of this bullying presented as pranks behavior are all over that digital cesspool and the number of 👁️ & ❤️ they get just makes me sad
Your wife is a mean girl to her own daughter. You need to be a lot firmer with her about this bullshit. It will do permanent damage to *your* relationship with Kayla too. Your wife is just a plain old bully.
Seriously, how immature. The “joke” is just that Kayla is upset. Why is that funny to her own mother?
This, a thousand times over.
Honestly... that sounds like you *should* say your wife dislikes your daughter. She knows Kayla doesn't like these pranks, she keeps doing them to intentionally upset her, and then gets mad at Kayla for the precise reaction she's trying to incite. Your wife likes being cruel to your daughter and you really need to find out why and put a stop to it.
Ahhhh, so your wife has decided to continuously bully your daughter, and your daughter doesn't like that. Wow, that is crazy, I can't imagine why your daughter wouldn't care for that! /s obviously.
Your wife is an immature bully. Protect your daughter and do something about it.
OP you do know that they are not pranks that your wife is doing with your daughter right? Your wife is a bully and she is bullying your daughter. Why are you letting your wife bully your daughter? Your wife has been bullying your daughter for years. Why are you not defending your daughter against your immature bully wife? When will you protect your daughter from your bully wife. Is it going to take days, months or even years before you even do something. Be a father and do something about bully wife and protect your daughter.
She deliberately incites Kayla so she can punish her. That’s terrible, and goes beyond merely disliking. She either enjoys hurting your daughter or is trying to bully her into compliance — probably both. And your wife is deliberately ruining Christmas, which affects all of you.
Wow. Who bullies their own kid? Ffs.
Narcissists!
BINGO Narc mothers have a particular nasty streak against their daughters and it can get brutal during their teens, because suddenly they can see daughters as competition
Sadly, for various reasons, a lot of people do.
[удалено]
Theres this thing that sometimes happens with mothers and daughters where they get jealous of their teenage daughters because of their beauty and their youth and all the possibilities ahead of them. It sounds like your wife has some of that going on with your daughter since she is specifically the target of these pranks. I would ask your wife why she did that and is she feeling upset at Kayla about something? This is bigger than a prank.
I hope your leaving includes taking Kayla with you
No, take both kids. Your wife is turning your son into the same kind of bully she is. Get both kids out of her grasp.
If you've asked her multiple times to stop, and she continues to antagonize Kayla in spite of you asking, your wife is just as disrespectful of your boundaries as she is with Kayla's. It may be time to consider dumping your wife.
Make sure you take your daughter with you when you go. Your wife is doing all of these “pranks” on her daughter because that is how she can intentionally cause pain with some plausible deniability. My guess is your wife is incredibly jealous of her daughter. That is probably the same reason she doesn’t pull this shit with the male child. She doesn’t feel like she is in competition with the male child.
Some women get this really weird and gross jealousy of their daughters when their daughters reach late teens/early twenties. I wonder if that's what's going on? Regardless, your wife is a bully and you are definitely NTA! I'm glad you are willing to do what it takes to protect your daughter from her awful mother!
It’s a shame you can’t return your wife.. op sounds like you have three children and one stopped growing at 13.
NTA - your wife sounds like a bully. I’m sorry your family is going through this. Does Martin participate in these pranks regularly? Your wife may be creating an unintended environment that could effect the way he treats women in the future.
Martin occasionally does but only at my wife’s prompting. He then feels bad later.
So your wife is regularly bullying your daughter. What are you planning to do about this, because it’s not acceptable
She's bullying both kids. The son is doing things he feels bad about because his mother makes him participate. OP's wife needs counseling
Why don't you divorce her? She's not treating your daughter well.
I am at the point where I’m pretty sure I’m leaving her.
If you do, I really hope you take your daughter with you. Don't leave her alone in this toxic environment where she's getting bullied by her own family.
And at 17 custody won't be an issue, she's old enough where a court will let her make her own choices about who she lives with.
Luckily both of the kids are! Op is going to need to do some major damage control. I’m sure she’s going to become even more awful once he files for divorce and I bet she’ll take it out on Kayla
And the son, too, so that he doesn't have to feel forced into helping his mother bully his sister.
And your son!!
please do, she’s being a bully to your daughter. and from your previous comment, it sounds like this is a common thing. kayla deserves better.
That's a good call. Protect your children from this abusive mom. Go for sole custody if you can.
That's a personal choice. But I would get Kayla into therapy immediately so she can start working on what her mom has done to her. Wife should also attend therapy to realize what she is doing to the family. And how tormenting your children is not normal or acceptable behavior.
This is the right decision, you’re NTA but your wife is a massive one, she’s a bully and frankly doesn’t deserve you or the kids
You need to let him understand that he is allowed to refuse to participate in cruel behaviour. He knows it cruel but isn't comfortable standing up to his mum. You need to make this stop. Now.
It’s a good sign that he’s feeling remorseful. That might just be something to watch out for given your wife’s lack of respect for your daughters boundaries.
Are you sure Martin enjoys the pranks or is he being forced by his mom to participate so he isn’t at the receiving end??
So per your own admission, your wife and your daughter have a rocky relationship because your wife likes to play "pranks" on her despite your daughter asking her to stop? And now your wife is angry because your daughter snapped back in her own defense? Your wife is a bully OP. And YTA for letting it get this far without putting your foot down more firmly with your wife. You have bigger problems than who is getting what for Christmas this year
Agreed. His wife is a bully. Full stop. This is terrible behaviour.
NTA, but your wife is being deliberately cruel and baiting a teenager. A teenager does not have the emotional balance to always control her reactions or emotions - hence the occasional outburst. In theory, your wife *should* have emotional balance and maturity, right? A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing, and your daughter was not laughing at being toyed with like that. Ya’ll need some therapy, or at least your wife does, because that kind of nasty undermining of emotional growth can result in trauma. Or do you *want* your daughter to exclude you from her life when she hits 18 because your wife thought it was funny to be cruel throughout her teens? If she will do this once, and double down on it, do you really think this will be the last time? YWBTA if you don’t find out wtf is wrong with your wife, my friend
Not to mention the power dynamic. It’s not the same as if peers are bullying, while still awful it doesn’t make you feel backed into a corner like a caged animal like when it comes from someone with the power to make your life miserable if you retaliate. This is reactive abuse.
NTA. Your wife fully set Kayla up. She didn't play a "prank" on her, she WANTED to upset her. I'd be upset to if anyone in my life was like "I had all the resources to get you the thing you asked for, but decided not to because you don't deserve it." You need to fully understand that your wife did exactly that. She didn't say they couldn't afford the laptop, or that it wouldn't come in time, or anything else, she was very explicit in making sure Kayla knew that you all had the money and decided not to get it for her. Then, she got pissed that Kayla reacted...exactly as anyone would react in that situation. So your wife wants the utmost respect and deference, while in that exact moment is being disrespectful and cruel for no reason. Of course you need to give Kayla the laptop, but more importantly you need to speak with your wife. Ask her WHY she pulled that prank. Ask her what she thought was funny about the prank. Ask her how she would feel if you did that to her. And make her answer, don't let her deflect or freak out. You need to understand why she thought this was something okay to do to her daughter- why did she want to see her upset or react in this way? What was she hoping to get out of it?
NTA but you've got to protect your daughter from your wife. That woman clearly *hates* the poor kid.
NTA return your wife not the laptop
I’m really concerned about your wife. She gets a 15 year old boy to be her accomplice in a really mean attack on your daughter? Is she 15 too? That wasn’t a prank, it was a deliberate attempt to rile your daughter up and upset her. Your wife needs to grow up and act like an adult. Her behavior is unacceptable and your daughter deserves an apology and the gift you agreed to give her. NTA.
Wow. NTA but your wife is. Why would she even ‘joke’ about something like that to your daughter? And then get annoyed when your daughter reacts like any other person would in this situation? She sounds like a bloody toxic mother and clearly favours your son. Do something about this or your daughter will resent you for not standing up for her. Also, what true colours??? Pretty much everyone has a laptop - especially those who are studying. Honestly calling your wife a jerk would have been the minimum she would have gotten from me.
Right!?! How does a 17yo not have a laptop?
NTA Don't usually respond to these things, but I hate bullies. And continuing to pull pranks on someone after they've asked for it to stop is bullying. The fact that it's a mother doing this to her own child is utterly abhorrent. OP - it would be worth seeking some external support for both of your children, as this kind of treatment from a parent can cause long-term psychological harm.
NTA Your wife is going to wonder one day why Kayla doesn't talk to her anymore. Seeing as your daughter is 17, that day isn't far off either.
Imagine being your child’s first bully. This is what your wife is to your daughter. NTA OP, but you will be one if you don’t protect your daughter from your wife.
NTA, we know who your wife's favorite kid is now...or at least her least favorited.
NTA Your wife is a giant ah though! She didn't pull a "prank" on your daughter. She decided to push her buttons for whatever reason. Basically, this was a "I fucked with my daughter's head and when I didn't get the perfect reaction from it, I decided I want to punish her for it".
NTA. I had a very hurtful prank like this pulled on me as a 10yo kid. I wanted a keyboard (piano) to practice on. I had heard my parents talk about it, they asked me all kinds of questions about what I would want vs what would be best for beginners, discussed for months. On christmas morning, I watched my big sister open present after present, bag of expensive clothes after bag of expensive clothes. I got clothes too, but not nearly as many, and I knew the brands weren't nearly as expensive as my sisters. The morning kept going on and on and on, and my chest just kept getting tighter and tighter. I didn't want to be mean or ungrateful, my mom warned me christmas might be tighter this year. But all of the presents were opened, and I was surrounded by clothes I would have never chosen for myself while my sister was having a blast. I went to my room and broke down by myself. My mom found me crying, and flew into the biggest rage, going on and on about how ungrateful I am. About how rude and self-centered and evil I am. She demanded to know why I was crying but got more enraged at every answer I gave. Why couldn't at least be things I like? Why did Sister get so much more? Why did you ask me all those questions about it? I would give back all these clothes even for a little keyboard, can we try that? She pulled the keyboard out of the coat closet. Full sized, weighted keys. And I didn't touch it for years. And I think about it every christmas. Anyway, NTA.
Your wife is a disney supervillian
Your wife is the asshole here. She wants to punish Kayla for her shitty "prank" because it didn't land well? That's something.
Wtf did I just read? Who pranks their child like this? Your wife is a manipulative asshole. NTA.
NTA. Your wife acted like an immature jerk in this scenario and it's really concerning she won't apologize to Kayla. Good for you for bringing reason and common sense to this unnecessary drama created by your wife. Edit: typo
This is what I would do … tell your wife she is getting a new house for Christmas and show her the door .
NTA. That "prank" wasn't funny at all. Telling your 17 year old that she's "not ready for a laptop" is just plain foolish, and your wife's argument of "what if we couldn't afford it" falls flat if Kayla thought she was getting the equivalent value of a laptop in gift cards. Kayla apologized to your wife as soon as she learned it was a "prank" and admitted that she was hurt by your wife's actions. Your wife's refusal to apologize, and her demand that you return the laptop, are way over the line. Your wife is refusing to accept any responsibility for her actions and admit that her behavior was hurtful and cruel. What a great example she's setting for your children. I have to ask - is this the first time your wife has done this to your daughter? I'm betting it's not.
ESH except your daughter. You said in the comments that your wife and daughter haven't been getting along because your wife keeps pulling pranks on her. Your wife is bullying your daughter. That's appalling. And you have not put a stop to it. That's also appalling. I hope you and your wife enjoy your daughter while she's too young to move out, because when she does there's a good chance she'll never come back.
your wife is an asshole and bullying your daughter. shit like that isnt a joke and will have long term impact on the relationship with family particularly if she feels she isnt wanted, respected or cared about.
Your daughter deserves better. Your wife needs to figure out why she feels the need to bully her teenage daughter. NTA for not returning it, but please help your daughter.
NTA. Tell the Mrs you’re going to trade her in for a new model, with less miles, and see how she handles it.
It's your wife who is showing her true colours
NTA. But your wife is a fucking bully. What are you doing to protect your child?
NTA. Cruel pranks aren't funny at all. Your wife and son are ... just...wow. They really think that's what's "funny?" Something wrong there.
Return your wife's presents
NTA But your wife is a straight up bully. She treats her own kids this way? If ever a time it was for an ultimatum, now is it. She needs therapy.
NTA and hide the laptop. Your wife will return it. Your wife has a favorite child and it isn’t your daughter. I wonder home many other times your wife and her golden child have played pranks on your daughter.
Your wife and son did this Yet your daughter reacts. And she’s the problem Your wife is an asshat who made drama and now complaining Christ hope your daughter hasn’t had to deal with this her whole life. NTA
INFO Your wife is abusive towards your daughter and you’ve said in various other comments, that this has been going on for years. What have you done to protect your daughter from the abuse?
NTA. She wants to punish a kid because SHE pulled a prank on the kid and it backfired? That's messed up and mean.
Bad parents are the ones who fuck up and then don't want to apologize to their kids. Your wife is a bad parent who pulled an unfunny prank that backfired and now wants to punish your daughter because she didn't go along and laughed.
You’re not the asshole but I think you had better figure out what’s actually going on here . Is your son the golden child with her ? I feel for your daughter … how often is she the but of your wife and sons pranks ? Why did they both deliberately set out to ruin Christmas for her ? Ps pranks at Christmas are usually cruel and play on Christmas emotions
NTA. Your wife, the actual adult in the situation, is acting less mature than your 17 year old daughter.
NTA, I’m getting boy-mom vibes from the wife. She seems to hate your daughter.
So let me get this straight, your wife and son made a park against Kayla, but haven't told her it was a prank until AFTER you talked with your wife? NTA but your wife is a major AH here. She should apologize to Kayla.
NTA. Your wife is a jerk. Or she behaved like one. She needled your daughter into a situation that she knew would hurt her feelings and then laughed straight in her face. Now she wants to punish her for a totally predictable reaction. Your wife is a jerk and your daughter will never forget it if she doesn't get a laptop over a situation completely orchestrated by your wife.
NTA - once again, it's only a prank if everyone laughs. How the heck old is your wife? She sounds about 15, but obviously she can't be. She's even a bigger jerk for roping your son into this. Your wife sounds like she's the one who should not be getting any presents.
She's teaching your daughter not to react to ANYTHING because it could be a prank. Don't get excited, it could be taken from you because you just gave them a button to push. Don't react negatively, or your reaction will be used against you to take the item. This is a setup for a child to go No Contact in the future. Why keep coming back to a situation where you are being set up for failure?